How to Communicate With Angry or Aggressive Kids
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- Опубліковано 23 кві 2014
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Welcome! I'm Lori, and I founded Teach Through Love because I'm passionate about helping adults resolve daily conflicts and nurture children's development by using conscious communication.
Parents, teachers, and caregivers are the most influential people in a child's life. My Conscious Parenting Courses and Communication Cards have helped thousands of parents and professionals break free of reactive patterns and unconscious beliefs about "discipline" that keep them stuck in negative cycles with kids.
I want to help adults increase cooperation and connection by communicating in ways that help kids feel heard and capable of change. We can help them reach their full potential and learn to solve conflicts and collaborate with others when we shift how we respond to their needs and feelings.
Lori Petro I TEACH through Love
Author / Educator / Child Advocate
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These principles could not be more true. At the time children are acting out...that's the time the NEED us. As a child met with discipline when I was short tempered, I had (and have) a hard time self regulation. We ALL will be mentally and emotionally healthier if we felt loved, valued and accepted...remembering that most behaviors are mainly and directly connected to how we relate to each other.
Thankyou for your message. What my tool is that when I get overwhelmed . I walk away just for 5 min and than I go back to the situation and handle it the best way I know and praying helps to to do the right thing and say the right thing.
I admire your videos. I have a very aggressive 7 year old child who is prone to aggressive outbursts, particularly in the evenings. He will find reasons to get angry no matter how much I try to meet his needs to try to prevent them. It’s usually because I haven’t played a particular game with him, e.g play cricket with him outdoors when it’s been raining all evening and I have so much else I need to be doing. I have two younger daughters, a 4 year old and 2 year old. My biggest obstacle to managing his anger is having two other daughters who I need to attend to. I’m usually putting them to bed when he has his outbursts and he disrupts this, grabbing their blankets, doing whatever he can do to grab my attention. I try to calm him by holding his hand as I find him suddenly grabbing hold of my clothes tight, I guess this is his way of communicating that he needs me beside him. However, my reaction is not always as calm as I’m midway putting the girls to sleep and we end up bouncing off each other and both having angry outbursts.
I told my daughter every day that I loved her more than anything else.
It sounds like you lost her somehow... Are you okay?
Ho are you doing?
Love it!! Shared it!! and I have a hard time with my face and body language.. just watching this I can see from an outside prospective how it escalates from face, to body, to tone and the explosion.. Awe how I wish i could just remove my old ways and replace these new ones like broken car parts.. but I realize it takes time.. I thank you so very much!!
I love that you give out all the example situations and sentences we can say. A lot of time I get deer in the headlight when actual situation rises. Thank you!
To really undertand how the nervous system plays a role in our children and our own responses is extremely helpful. Thanks a lot, your videos help me a lot with my journey as a mother. Blessings
I have a 9 year old that is unbelievably aggressive and defiant. Not afraid to look us in the eye and say "NO! "I don't have to. I don't have to listen to you. I'm not doing it.". He's the biggest one in his class and I fear that he may be developing some bullying tendencies as well. He's witnessed his mother bully and disrespect me for years, so I guess it's natural to think that it's acceptable behavior. I finally left her and filed for divorce, so now our son is even harder to deal with. Now his go to is "you left. I don't have to listen to you. I'm acting this way because you left". At my wits end on how to deal with this. Spanking never worked, we've grounded him but he would just repeat shortly after. Strongest willed child I've ever seen. Ugh, parenting can be so hard.
Hello! I love what you said. I am strangling with expressing myself because I grow up in a culture that said you do what i said. There is no desiccation between the child and adult. You do what they said or you get time out.
Good info. We all know this but we need reminders
Thank you for this
Great video! Thank you!
I am doing a project in my masters Human Development and Family Science class and the subject is aggressive behavior. I will use your video in this class as a reinforcement of the research we are reading about in our textbook. It was so fun to see your daughter at the end! She is quite the personality. I can see how she would motivate you to advocate for children! What a great purpose in life ~ I can't think of anything more important :-)! Thank you for offering your insight and creative and fun parenting style to other parents!
I have learned so much through your videos! I am so thankful for your tips!
I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for distilling all of this information in such a CLEAR and precise way. You are awesome!
Thank you thank you so much!! I appreciate your advice that I know works!! Love is the way!! ❤️💗🌎
First of all; You must make your children feel safe by doing:
1-Physically Lower yourself to theirlevel while talking
2-Soften and relax your face
3-Use a neutral tone of voice
Then
4- Notice Progress Not Perfection.
5- Acknowledge What they did right Not What they did Wrong!
6- Appreciate often their every positive behavior to Make them feel Accepted and Worthy!
Thank you so much xo
I LOVE your messages. Thanks so much
This is really helpful
Love the video!! I will share with all the parents I know :)
I’m using this to parent my inner child thank you
Great! Thank you.
You're welcome. Thank you so much for watching!
Sadly my toddler nephew is not allowed to cry because they claim they don't want him to "become a crybaby". Since he represses the crying, I believe that is why it transfers into aggression.
Edit: Also, I've babysat him and when he does things he thinks might get him in trouble, he goes and hides behind the sofa or underneath the table. It breaks my heart.
This is so sad,I would babysit as much as I could and create a safe space 💖
I am so thankful for your practical videos which give me the how to to implement what I have been studying and learning through other venues on a search to help our family with our difficult issues. We were not perfect parents with out oldest children, but with younger, adopted children and their behaviors that were more difficult than we had ever dealt with before, over the course of time we got more and more punitive. My being from a yelling upbringing (that I long ago committed not to copy), once I started to give in to that reaction it became the norm and is now a pattern. We have been backing off the punitive parenting and your videos have been just what is needed! Thank you and God bless you and your family!
I try to take away his privilege(tv) however it escalates the problem
Are there any signs to differentiate “normal” toddlerhood aggression and a behaviour disorder or ASD?
Also, when a child is hurting another child, I have heard of two strategies:
1- focus on the child who has been hurt as oppose to giving the attention to the child who hit
2 - give the child who hit warmth and comfort to lower the emotional response and help them cope with the violent breakdown
I am a solo teacher in a classroom of two year olds. It is difficult to have my attention everywhere and deal with these outbreaks that happen quite often throughout the day.
Thank you!
Beautiful video. Thanx again for your insight
Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for watching!
Thank you! This is helpful. But what do you do when the child (not a toddler) is actually hitting you in the moment?!
Wondering the same ..
Well what I do is tell them we don't hit people in this house. Hitting hurts people and solves nothing. Eveybody deserves to feel safe. I grab gently but firmly the the hands to keep from hitting me and say hands belong to your self even when you got big emotions. Then I try to calm him down by identifying the emotion reflect empathy like I see your angry or afraid or what ever the emotion is..lable it for him and say that is hard or sad.. .. Then show him this is how we calm ourselves down and release it.or express it in a healthy way .then we can think and solve the problem.
What's been helping my difficult 4 year old is saying I won't let you hit me ( or his little sisters name) and remove myself, or myself and his sister. If he comes and joins us calmly after that I just treat him as if it never happened.
❤You are a prophet.
Hello I like your video's alot. They are helping me many times. I would like to ask you something. Is it normal that my almost 4 yrs old boy is always angry (is it only an attitude to get attention?). He has a lot of emotions I'm noticing. The main reason is because he would like to spend more time with his dad who works 12 hrs a day and he doesn't see him a lot...even in w.e. my husband has always things to do and sports. Or otherwise when he can't get what he wants he becomes angry. Or is it something characteristic for this age? thank you!
Thanx for the lovely video.
me n my wife are struggling with one specific issue which we really need help with. Our 5 and a half daughter starts hitting us when she gets upset for something. The reason can be anything like - her friend not coming to school / she not getting a chocolate at the store, etc. Once she starts hitting, she starts to get really violent. Its a cycle she get stuck into we feel. We tried holding her hands in a kind of a tight hug, so as not to let her hit us, but that gets her into even more violent. We really get upset and recently i hit her back with loud scolding in the hope to get her out of this craziness. Which makes me feel really bad and does not help much. I can see that she is stressed because of something, but I really feel helpless as to how to stop this behavior, specifically how can we stop it without hitting/ scolding her. At times distracting her helps, but nowadays thats not effective at all. Once I've let her hit me without me responding by hitting, but seems like she goes on hitting / biting me. Sometimes I feel like she craves for the reaction (of me hitting her) from me.Not sure what to do in such a case. Thanx so much!
What a horrible comment. Please do not listen to this comment nor label a child who is aggressive 'autistic'. This happens a lot to children and it's uncontrollable for them since they don't have the skills to contain themselves. ONE: Do not HIT your daughter or even lay a hand on her aggressively if you want to see them model patience and groundedness. You, yourself, need to be grounded even when frustrated and angry. She might be picking up these violent actions from television, peers, family members, etc. but if you hit her, then it teaches her that's it's okay to hit when feeling strong emotions. You can hold her and tell her 'we don't use our bodies like that when we feel that way- anger, sadness, frustration, etc.. label her feelings, and ask her would you like to draw instead? Or give her a bottle where she shakes and it has glitter and water in it and she can watch it float down as a way to calm herself. Be CREATIVE. Remember, she is watching and witnessing everything. She is a sponge and absorbing how to treat people. Make sure you yourself is a good example of how you want her to behave/act/react. You've got this.
Also give her LOTS & LOTS OF positive attention! She might just need some one on one time and she doesn't know how to react because you might be giving her negative attention and not enough positive attention.
I find the most difficult when my child with ass is having hard time and obviously being angry about it for a very long time, and i dont always anderstand why he is feeling upset and how to help. Because living in constant depressive state is emotionaly hard for him and everyone around.
You are stunningly beautiful and smart thanks for the advice
Lori that is a really nice and inspiring video you have here. The non-verbal part is so much more important and it reflects our own history as parents and the way we were reared as children. In times of crisis and aggression, it bubbles up straight through and becomes the "automatic behavior" towards our own child. One question for you: what do you recommend we do if - at the moment of crisis, our child shouts at us to "go away, leave my room"? In my experience, if we leave we break contact; if we stay we violate their space and often they simply walk away themselves and go to another room. Any ideas?
We are dealing with this same issue with my 15 yeast old son, who tells us to get it out of his room. This morning I went into his room to talk with him and he was in the middle of something. He tells me to get out. So I turned around and walked out. Then I went to the living room and watched this video. He came out and looked at me with a somber face and went back to his room. There he came out again and I asked is there anything I can do for you. Then he told me he needed a ride to school because he wasn't feeling very good.
I was thinking I feel like for me I needed to respect his room and not just walk in. That I ask if I could talk with him, Ahmed wait for his response. He must likely tell me never is a good time, but i think over time as he sees that i'm not a threat anymore he hopefully will soften.
Hi would u still use these techniques of the toddler is throwing things and hitting/punching harming the adult?
Hi. Great video thank you for those advices. What advice can you give me about my teenager he is 15 . I'm a single mother and sometimes it gets more harder. He just started his first year of high school and I want to advice him about how to be more organize with his homework and future projects. ....
Paula Vasquez
you should have introduced that to him as a toddler, its very hard at the age of 15 to expect and demand...
Paula Vasquez These techniques are not effective for teens. I am a step mom to a really angry and depressed 14 yr old boy. His dad and mom and bringing him to a psychiatrist. At this point in life, professional help is necessary. If you have raised your child with a strong base in religion, you may be able to obtain help from a religious counselor (priest, rabbi, minister). Good luck!
thank you for your great videos! We are new parents with a 14 month old who has started hitting us in the face or throwing himself to the ground if he doesn't get his way....we are trying the new methods and realize he is very young, but really want to help him not be so angry. How do we help him understand when he has no verbal ways to tell us why he is so mad?
all this may be way worse at school - where no one will be employing these techniques, what to do about that?
This is really powerful. Amazing tips. Thank you so much for this video
And how to communicate with angry and agressive parents?
I have anger issues
Me, too. 😒😔🙁
On the comment for getting dressed, could you also say something like, "Oh, good job getting dressed! Here, let me help you get the rest of the way ready by tying your shoes and maybe next time you'll be able to do these too!"
Sometimes I try to respond to my son (age 2) but he refuses to listen going into a meltdown. Should I just ignore home till he calms down. The worst ones are at the grocery store when I put him in the cart because he won't stay with me and tries to run away.
What about when you have a 4 year old who was addicted to UA-cam and you took UA-cam away which was their distraction from jealousy of a newer sibling (10 months old). Now he isn’t speaking to me at all after trying to speak with him about emotions and try to figure out how exactly he was feeling. I know I made him mad but he’s possibly displaying signs of depression now because he lost interest in most his toys for a few days and he was just not talking but now he is just angry. I see it on his face when I try to speak with him. This is pretty distressing to me because my son and I have always been so close and he has always been so great. Now I feel so discouraged and I know I messed up somewhere. I let him watch more UA-cam because of covid we had to move back into my parents home and it is crowded and he doesn’t have a bunch of space to just play and do what he wants and it was cold out. So I let him get away with it. Now he hates me probably for taking it I guess? Or maybe something I said hurt his feelings? I don’t know because he won’t even really talk. Normally he is always “momma, momma, momma!” And following me everywhere but he isn’t anymore.
Watch Supernanny.
Ok, I have 3 kids and a stressful life, what do I do when all my kids are acting this way and how do I manage all my kids, when instigating and fighting?
Set aside all your work and distraction and sit, and spend ten minutes with them just smiling make them feel as they matter and they do not have to act up for your attention it works for me. It is not easy for me to summarize how much i want to say in this two lines. Remember ...love and compassion is the key.
Thank you for such a lovely video. I want to teach my kindergartener to control his aggression on kids of his age. He gets violent when he is angry. I want to use some miracle words to tame him. Can you share a video on that ?
thank you for watching. I have a playlist for aggressive children here on the channel!
This.
What do you do when your 2 year old son is hitting you and biting you - its difficult to stay calm when its painful
my experience with my 2yr old is that if they burst out in tears, yelling, uncontrolled behavior. It means that they are trying to deal with a very strong emotion(for whatever reason. Maybe their toy fell and caused the child to feel frustration and/or sadness. Children do not come with controlled-regulated emotions. YOU as the parent or caretaker are the TEACHER. WE have to teach them how to regulate and deescalate their emotions when they get too big and overwhelming for the child. Right now their problems are small. We have to pay attention to our children and teach them. Everything and every time is a learning experience for them. Let's teach our children positive and healthy ways to teach and show our children how to learn self control, how to recognize the strong emotion, how to deescalate, bring down/or shrink away the (strong emotion monster). Children learn from everything and anything. Who is teaching our Children? Might it be the t.v? Cartoons? Movies? Orher Children? Is the person or object, teaching our children something that is positive throughout the entire engagement with our child(ren)? If not, then are we redirecting not wanted behavior and guiding to a more positive behavior? Lets Pay close attention to what is going in our childrens minds and hearts through their eyes and ears. Are they watching cartoon that give bad attitude, bossy, putting others down, being arrogant, to be whining, to say and do negative things when something doesn't go their way? What is it that our children are learning? What are WE doing to teach our Children positive skills that are going to be vital for them to know and be successful as an emotionally stable, more fulfilled, happy adult. Or are we going to let nonsense and garbage teach our Children? We are polluting our children and future generations. We have to pay more attention and be more involved in our children's life teachings. If not, then they may never learn to have self control with overwhelming emotions or feelings. Such as anger, sadness, their energy level, they will have trouble interpreting their emotions/feelings and deescalating strong emotions/feelings. There is so much more lol but finally, what works for me when my 2yr old gets to a point where they are struggling with an overwhelming negative strong emotion where they are causing harm uncontrollably, is by taking a deep breath and me breathing much calmly, trying as hard as possible to be calm and remain calm while i hug and hold my child to prevent more harm. I tell myself and my child softly aloud "it's ok, it's ok, I'm here to help you, it's ok, I know it doesn't feel good but that's why I'm here, to help you, I love you remember, I will always love you. I'll help you ok, it's ok, everything is ok." Ask yourself "what is it that i would want someone to do when im having an emotional breakdown? Would i want someone to react in a hostile manner? How would i then react? Or would i want someone to leave me alone when im loosing control of my emotions and i do not know how to make it better or feel better? Wouldnt i feel worst, more alone, abandoned, maybe even become cold to other peoples emotions as well? Or how would it make me feel better if someone came over and made me feel as if I wasn't alone with this overwhelming emotion monster, that someone was there with me to help me and that everything was going to be ok, that your parent is there with you every step of the way until you feel reassured and encouraged with the support of your parent(s)". Overwhelming negative feeling will begin to go away and when they are calm, make sure to talk about the problem and what they can do to prevent another blow out lol of coarse, they are just beginning to learn new, good, positive habits and maybe even getting rid of old not very good habits. Thus, it might take some time. Be consistent(in a loving way) and always keep finding more info and other ways to better us as parents, individual, living soul, humankind. Like I tell my eldest son "Never give up in bettering yourself, try and try and try again, do not give up on yourself, any improvement is better than no improvement but you gotta keep trying, because if not; our body's might grow and age BUT our minds will stay the same with no real positive growth and development." Please us parents let's put more focus and become more knowledgeable in bettering our selves from within to become a better person from deep within us and to become better parents. This whole "parenting" is actually more about US(parents, caretakers,) than the children. Many blessings to all and I hope we all get inspired to all be better from within. 💖 much love and peace to all.
then you have already allowed your 2 yr old to become the authority of the house; they must learn quickly and EVERY time that the unacceptable behavior will get them no reward. Only you can be the boss of the house; a 2 y.o. is not equipped to be the head of the household. Learn to say NO and make it stick. Biting is 100% unaceptable. Hand them a towel and tell them they can bite that, nothing else. If they become even more destructive it is time for isolation. Dr Phil describes how they stripped the bedroom of their child when young and only allowed the twin mattress. Period. They then could earn back their room and toys by behaving in an acceptable manner. And they did not back down. Children are smarter than we give them credit for learning consequences of their actions. But if there are never any corrections or inconsistent discipline, they learn they can get by with anything, and escalate the bad behavior.
Nanny 911 sounds like what you need right now! See the videos of this program and learn how to manage the little monster in your life. Good luck!
Swimmin Wit Da Fishies monster, did you just call her child a monster!? Wooow, how helpful you are
soorashree telang hi x my 3 year old is at this stage also but it’s them telling us something. I now come down to him and ask him to use his words to tell me what’s the matter and what’s wrong. Keep your eye on your child and you’ll know what they’ve been upto and be able to help them form it into words. Use a song song voice it also helps to calm you down xx if he cant formulate the words I ask my eldest to translate xx play more with him/her, become closer to your child and it will stop. It’s hard but pls remember that it’s a phase n stage that they are going through. Buy parenting books, learn n understand their stages n how to cope with them ok and when they do it give them a hug n kiss straight away and tell them that this is not what we do and that they’ve hurt you. I went so far as pretended to cry 😢 and they didn’t like it but if you are a shouter as I see to be, I got to understanding that they are little ppl whom we need to relate to and that we need to get to their level to understand them, they won’t ever understand us but we must and have to learn to understand them. They’re not monsters but set your boundaries and limitations. I took him outta nursery and I now home school and it’s all stopped form your relationship with each of your children x
What do u do if all of these things don’t work & the child continues to be violent?
How can I let my baby 1 year old to stop hitting me..I cant help it because the children sorrounds us are like that..i just want to control the behavior of my baby..hope you can help me..thanks and God bless
Mi
What if kid start kicking to parent?
When teen-agers use profanity and raise their voice in front of the whole class
My friend Cory once told the substitute bus driver to "Shut her F-ing mouth" and after a bus aide pointed out how rude that was, he replied, "I don't care".
You have the same last name as me and I’ve never meet someone like that
I've only met a few. :)
I am an angry kid because I'm the youngest of 5 and instead of spoiling me my parents are the hardest on me and my older siblings have bullied and cucked me my whole life so I became really aggressive toward all my family
Dang:/ sorry. that sounds miserable
Your life sounds just like Lincoln's life in The Loud House (P.S. I HATE THAT SHOW!!!!)
Send him to us....levi deicho will take care of him
The wife stopped yelling at me after 14 years because I stopped smiling at her 4 months ago.
I keep a serious face. I don't start any conversations because she wants to yell.
I tell her:"I won't answer that particular question," when I know that she'll start yelling about my answer/topic.
I take my son outside & he pours water on my head & I cool down.
I start mopping when the wife is bothering me or my son.
I eat my dinner outside in the backyard.
I was in shock when she brought me an extra tortilla to the backyard this morning.
(She doesn't yell when I'm outside)
She yells because I don't work. I don't work because she's a narcissist & doesn't sit down to listen about money, the bible, or 9 years ago when she wouldn't let me participate in the naming of my son.
She gives orders & walks away.
The Jehovah's Witnesses have helped me these 4 months that I started studying with them.
The Power of Concentration by Atkinson helped me be poised.
----
This video is helping me, a hen-pecked husband.
Now I act like a 100 year old man.
Daniel Caron Why are you wasting your life this way? Being a co-dependent empath gets you nowhere and it's sad. Please check out the UA-cam videos by the Little Shaman. She provides excellent guidance to help you extricate yourself from an abusive relationship. Good luck!!
I advise you to leave the marriage, get a lawyer, get a therapist, and heal. She is abusive and you and your child are suffering. If not for yourself, do it for your son.
Daniel Caron that is all very reasonable especially when dealing with a narc, I have one as well it is traumatic at best! But I must ask, after reading your comments are you a robot???
Daniel Caron are you sure you're not a robot?
I'm so sorry you are going through that. You are responding to her in exactly the right way. It might help to read up on emotional abuse, or toxic relationships if you decide to stay.
Also, I do not care if my husband calls me "the wife" I am his wife. I like that. That's all I'm going to say about that.
I just stay away from my angry daughter & angry wife.
I learned: "See progress, not perfection.