What is it like to date an INTJ?! An INTJs take on dating, romance and flirting
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- Опубліковано 27 лип 2024
- Michael talks about the dating life of INTJs.
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#INTJ #16types #mbti #16personalities
INTJ here. The biggest problem with dating, flirting and similar romantic stuff is that we are typically very suspicious of people and their intensions. It takes a very long time for us to start trusting someone. We never keep all of our eggs in a same basket either.
On a personal note, I have never been romantically involved with someone. I have been told often that I am not "emotionally available" and "too blunt". The biggest problem of opening my heart to someone is that I do not want to be backstabbed, because my emotional side of brain is not very highly developed and I would be grief-stricken for eternity. It is a defense mechanism, and explains my pessimistic side of mind very well.
I've always pictured myself as an open book that no one wants to read.
Most people are like most people, that means: most people love to watch movies but relatively few people like to read books; even worse is that INTJs aren't light novels for a fun time, they're akin to dictionaries, thessauri, encyclopedias or textbooks of some discipline.
One has to ask or look for something; one doesn't start a reading a dictionary from A to Z just because, a purpose is needed. A movie on the other hand, one just watches and everything is shown, no work required. INTJ's: they are not fun, but fulfilling (hopefully) when understood.
I’m too open I want to close my book 😂but I don’t know how
I'm INTJ and I'm 49. The two times I asked someone out, it took two years to ask the woman out with mutual friends saying she was interested. As my Mom would say, who is also INTJ, "Trevor, you wouldn't know if a woman was interested in you if she clubbed you over the head." In terms of flirting, I had to go with that it's going to be dorky and hopefully cute for the woman of my interest. And if it's a match, well, some women find dorky flirting cute. By the way, I hate when someone tells me to ask someone out based on just looks. I want to know more about them than they just look beautiful.
Your Mom's hilarious.
We missed Michael❣️ And the INTJ panels.
“That INTJ face”
ENFP: ooh you mean that “come and hug me” face!!!
You don’t seem cold at all!! You look real :3
Yeah, as an ENFP, I find this whole mood like catnip. I want to go into their secret lair or Batcave where they're brooding and plotting, and attach googly eyes on everything to get a rise out of them, and then completely switch and launch into a philosophical discussion on criminal reform to hear their thoughts.
And we love you for it!
- female INTJ
As a female intj in all my past relationship I took the first steps... I have a quiet intuitive view on who could be my partner and I'll give effort to it when I think that's my person.
Flirting is not that hard if it's the right person right vibe. You can totally flirt with someone with Ni-Te if that's someone who values them. Someone is super quiet in a party but when you talk to them they have the most interesting ideas and a good plan isn't it attractive? Se-Fi wise, I could have a good few seconds being "esfp" once in a while. I've been pushing it hard cuz being an artist needs that.
Where do y'all hang out at?
- ENTP
The surest sign that an INTJ trusts you is they will start to share their treasure with you. If you start to receive gifts, small or large, that's a sure sign an INTJ trusts and probably likes you as a result. That's no small feat.
My wife would concur with this. When we were dating, I first tried to tell her how I felt by giving her one of my Gameboy Advance systems and several games some of which we could play together.
🤦♀️ I’m a cynical 66 yr old female INTJ. I just assumed all guys wanted to get laid so never took the flirting seriously. Best way to woo me is to be honest, intelligent and sincere. I was too timid and spent most of my Life alone.
I'm an INFJ that married an INTJ after meeting online and having a long distance relationship. It just felt really familiar and comforting around him, he didn't need to outright "flirt" with me 😅 tbh the concept of flirting is equivalent to small talk, isn't it? A way to open the door to better conversations. We didn't really need that I suppose.
So if he makes effort to talk to me(he is intj) it means he is flirting/interested? Im an infj female
Middle-aged INTJ here. I would totally agree with everything Michael said except for one thing. Regarding emotional expression, it is easy for me when I want to do it. I think the key is that I do it when I’m ready and that could be just an hour after an upsetting interaction or it could be never. And it is never immediate because I must have some time to process my feelings (it’s a bit like being in shock). But if I initiate the emotional expression, then it feels good and I want someone there to share it and listen. But that doesn’t happen often because typically I don’t need to share my emotions. I also don’t relate to picking an external character to help express my feelings. I just express them directly as needed.
My advice for anyone dating an INTJ is to be totally fine with us not sharing often and trust that if we do share, then it’s special that we chose you. Lastly, don’t push us to share. PLEASE, we will do so if we want to and if pushed it just feels horrible. It’s okay to ask us how we feel once (maybe twice if we really seem to need it); but don’t harass us about it. Speaking for myself, that feels very disrespectful and might make me angry. My feelings are private and I’ll share them on my terms, not yours.
Ok I also disagree with Michael about the flirting. I will do so with my eyes and smile. It’s subtle but if I’m feeling confident around someone I’m attracted to, then I’ll tease them a little too. But it’s definitely not really obvious and most of the time I’m going to be in my own world so won’t even be thinking about flirting, just like Michael said. But get me in those rare moments and I’m a great (subtle and sexy) flirt. When you are comfortable with your emotions, it’s very natural to flirt, not awkward, when you’re both feeling it. Maybe it’s a guy thing to do the formulaic, pickup stuff. I do not and would never do that. Ugh! If it’s not natural, authentic and easy, then I’m simply not going to bother. If that’s required then it ain’t happening. I’d much rather just be alone until the right person comes along. I only flirt when it’s natural, almost subconscious, not forced or over the top like many women. That’s annoying to me to see women acting so ridiculous. 😂 The whole world doesn’t need to see you flirt, just your intended target.
And it’s true that I probably won’t initiate simply because I’m busy with my world plans and the thought to even see you, much less flirt has not crossed my mind. So the other person usually initiates. But if I want someone, I will initiate. I have initiated a few times and that went well, in one case it turned into a relationship.
Hmm interesting..a lot of what you said seems to correlate with the avoidant-anxious attachment styles. The only difference between that and a securely attached person I suppose would be in the communication.
@@rpaafourever7908 But, to INTJ's, much of the filler conversation is non-sensical and overly exhausting, thus avoided. Facts are mostly what matters.....I am INTJ.
I love Joyce's consistent wet hair looks 💁🏻♀️💃🏻😍!!!!
Can totally relate to the part about abstracting myself from the story and using some other example or character to illustrate my own situation
Same, I am an open book, if people come to me ask questions. I think in contrary INTJ are very good to read others.
I validate, "flirting" go really bad. I let you imagine 2 INTJ trying flirting : we ended up just try to talk. We switched between awkward silence and straightforward. The conversation is all/deep or nothing.
If an INTJ accept a date or try flirt/talk, the other person is very lucky.
Flirt ? What is that ? I never did that, I don't do this.
I always perceived flirt as something fake, and that people play with others. And I hate that.
The flirting functions (Se Fe ?) are our worst functions XD. We are very different and function differently from most of people.
From my part, I assure you I feel very deeply, intensely, and truly.
I find INTJ actually lonely for conversation, so its somewhat of a misnomer (which isnt the most accurate word for what I mean, but it will all be okay)
My mbti is INTJ. I noticed "NF" TYPE women show interest by wanting to know more about me & encourage the "emotions" thing. I do have a sense of humor.. you'll see it if I like you, in general, as a human .
I struggle with emotions in general. Reading them and expressing them. Not only am I an INTJ, but I'm also autistic.
I like how Michael said that it helps to approach emotions in an abstract way. Like talking about characters in a story and using them as analogs for ourselves and others. An example I can think of is Arwen and Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings stories.
We INTJs are like Aragorn in that we think that we can't make time for a relationship until we've finished whatever quest we think we are on whether that is graduating from college, getting our career going, or finally learning to accept ourselves as we are, or some other thing that we are absorbed with. Aragorn couldn't marry Arwen until he had done all he could to help defeat Sauron and could become king of Gondor.
Also, I think Arwen symbolizes how we, or at least I, feel about a potential romantic interest, romance itself, and women in general to some degree. Arwen is an elf in the stories. Elves are semi-immortal, exotic, mysterious people with strange, but attractive behavior, customs and appearance. They are almost above the station or out of the league of mortal humans, even an above average guy like Aragorn who is very cultured and wise by human standards.
I've heard that we INTJs and/or neurodivergents are mysterious and exotic to others, especially when we have our shields up and aren't letting our true emotions show. When we're in Vulcan mode like Spock. In the J.J. Abrams version of Star Trek, Uhura is fascinated by Spock and tries to get through to him romanticly.
I just thought as I was typing that last paragraph that this is actually something like the sort of conversations my wife (who I met on a blind date over the phone) and I get into sometimes. It's a lot like what it's like to date a strong introvert. We'd rather talk about fantasy or science fiction, or other hobbies, or even our jobs than to talk about our own emotions.
I'm very good at studying almost everything minutely when I'm focused on the here and now and not daydreaming, but human emotions are a blind spot. I just don't understand them. I can see and hear how other people are expressing themselves, but I usually misinterpret what they are conveying. I took an emotional intelligence test a while back that was part of a test for autism and I flunked it. Got very few questions right. I often flunk interactions with my wife and acquaintances too. Takes all of my concentration and energy to even try to pass such tests.
Luckily, my wife and friends understand that I'm different and don't expect me to conform to societal norms.
Bring on the female INTJssssssss :D
Question isn’t if i’d date an intj.
Question is would an intj date me.
- entp
why wouldn’t one be interested? i personally love entps. - intj
ENTP is a probable type. ENTPs are generally pretty cool, but if there's one area that you may get into hot water with us is when ENTPs don't have a good moral grounding, and absolutely *everything* is up for debate. So if we see you siding with someone amoral just for the heck of it, as if it's of no consequence, then you'll get into trouble with us.
I think yes, INTJ ENTP we are the same just the energy of functions change. ENTP is one of my favorite type.
As a younger INTJ when I liked someone I would walk up to attractive women when I was interested in them and bluntly ask them for a date without ever speaking or seeing them before… a lot of rejection lol! My wife was into it though she’s a ISFP and I got her number lol. I didn’t try to have a girlfriend till after I was 21… but growing up I had many girls inform me that they loved or liked me lol! But I just was like ok thanks and moved on with my life… rofl. Yes relationships are messy and hard but I’m growing and I’ve learned a lot over the years… iv been married 5 years so far 👍🏻
Haaaa that's so funny...dating one right now and that whole "contemplating thinking look" hands on thr head 😂😂😂 lol
My "INTJ look" is the stroking of the chin, even since I was a kid. From about nine or ten years old, a friend of mine who would be sitting on the other side of the room would do the action back to me in joking imitation -- though I always took it as a compliment.
I should note that for anyone dating INTJs, although most people are likely to get that stoic detached thing, if we're head over heels you're going to see some very icky stuff. We have big internal emotions driven by very archetypal themes: the knight, the hero, the boy adventurer, etc. Our Fi is strong but somewhat immature, lacking nuance and refinement. Our feelings may be enormous but quite black and white.
Haha I love the idea of using an imaginary scenario to play out how you might be feeling. I use a similar strategy for problem solving sometimes…I imagine having a conversation about the issue with someone I know well and the response I think they would have often solves the problem. I guess it might be using Ni to substitute for other functions.
Also, I do the same pose! I thought it might relate to trying to literally block out some sensory information in order to concentrate better 🤷♀️
I suggest INTJs look into studying body language (Charisma Matrix, Bombards Body Language, etc.). I imagine it would help grow the Se Inferior pretty well.
INTJs are actually very good at reading people's body language (almost psychic). INTJs just don't know how to react to people. People seem to confuse this as not being able to read people.
It’s Michael!!!! Go Michael go!!!! INTJs do hide their feelings but it’s sort of like the most trustworthy thing to know that they keep things beyond real. That’s been my experience with all of the INTJs and honestly INFJs do that with me too. I have a lot of those in my life and my hubs is an amazing INFJ. I think that there’s enough space there too for the needed freedom of ENFPs and the respect of privacy and boundaries of the INXJs. It takes a long long long time for all of these types to develop trust and anything close to a long term relationship. Brad always says that our first encounters were surprisingly deep and somehow also fun. It was just ridiculously easy to get along which isn’t something that happens often. Also, I was drawn to Brad because he was not flirting with me, that’s actually a turn off. I preferred the slow build of trust with fun times. We took three years to date, seven years to marry and twelve years to have kids. Slow makes fast fast makes slow. I don’t know my INTJ friend said it took someone challenging and supportive enough and his wife is perfection so hahaha. Relationships aren’t for everyone too. Thanks for sharing Michael, helped with the novel more 🙌🏼.
You are right about everything but I’ll add a caveat. Only if there is a mutual willingness to grow and want a healthy relationship. MBTI is only a tiny part of the puzzle. Not many like to hear it but after the initial shine wears off one has to face real life, which requires solid communication and ability to connect emotionally among other things. Otherwise, one is simply betting on potential in the long term. Not a good idea imo.
@@rpaafourever7908 so so so true: I just found out my hubs was an INFJ like last month or something. It’s been twenty years of knowing each other and agree all MBTI can really tell you is at best the chances of your lifestyles or goals maybe matching up better but in the end all love is a choice and real real real work not on the internet. I’m really glad that I didn’t grow up in all of this it’s nice in hindsight to be like oh wow that makes sense and that’s why I change so much and crave growth and inspiration but really… it’s alllllll about the willingness to grow yourself with or without Mbti and then the partners or friends or whatever relationships that you can work on come your way. A lot of it is actually luck and taking risks but most of it is work, hard work and being ok with life not always being shiny and the best things in life take time, work, blood, sweat, tears and aren’t an easy fix. That’s real. Great answer!!! I don’t know about being right about honestly anything that’s not my MO in NF land we just hope we grow and go with that feeling but wait and see. I just know a lot of introverts in general and well people I know people. They amaze me and challenge, bore, excite, hurt, cause wonder and disappoint me like nothing else. Worth it, it’s rough but life is worth it.
Mystery hmmmmmm maybe I guess when we are younger they sort of seem that way, all introverts are like that like still waters that hold Lord knows what beneath them. Could be a mermaid, or could be a shark who knows? But, I think as an ENFP I sort of experience INTJs in any context as like I’m a cat and they are a rubric’s cube cat toy and at first you’re like these things have nothing in common why are they even in the same room. Then the rubric’s cube like reflects some light but still stays dead silent and still. So, yeah we start to play with it, or stare at it for hours like thinking wtf are you? They seem so simple, yet we know there’s a trick and so much symmetry inside so then we start batting it around and the rubric’s cube stays sharp and pointy and impossible to solve without opposable thumbs and we keep getting our damn nails cut on it’s edges and crevices and they keep slipping out of our cat claws and seem even more impossible to solve as we go through adulthood. But mostly, this never happens or if it does we get get exhausted until we leave them the f alone on the other side of the room both of us enjoying the quite and the shiny durst particles and the sunlight. Then as we mature or like get out of adolescence it’s more like we respect the shiny sharp object as something meant to challenge the humans as they pass by and we respect the bizarre shiny sharp puzzle that we will never understand. Then one day, when we have had enough catnip in our system, we accidentally bump into the cube and it falls to the ground turning into the last slot of it’s puzzle and we stare epically down at the bizarre painful shiny object of death match mind games and see that it was all a primary color simple question the whole time anyway. So, hahaha. Now INFJ’s are like magical swirling goldfish ponds that allow us to fish for hours staring into their swirling whirlpools but they come with a warm towel that we can wrap into and eventually make us into the best damn fishers in all of our galaxies and they feel just as bored and misunderstood as we do. But somehow ground and mellow us out and their iqs are normally gasp higher than the sharp tiny rubric’s cubes and their eq’s are endless so our soulmates really but that damn cube still has us confused so lifelong friends hahaha. So yeah, did that um make sense?
@@getreadywithmemamma6973 Kind of. As long as it makes sense to you that’s what matters!
@@rpaafourever7908 hahahahaha 😂 masculine left brain and feminine right brain seems to be the connection too in an intuitive sense but that means that they are like polar opposites but this means they have major blind spots too. So, it can be a nice friendship or relationship but there’s frustration and dropping the ball a lot there too. The INFJ can read the ENFP better and synchronize but the INTJ can challenge ENFPs for sure. It depends what each individual needs in life, the other J types can really help the INTJ accomplish their goals. I needed this to develop my novel character it’s a hard one to write on for motives and reactions that would be realistic so much appreciated. I think the INTJ would make sense with a lot of types but they strategize so much they might talk themselves out of many of them and that makes sense.
ENFP love thinking and batting thoughts around (like ENTP) which makes it so interesting to talk to 💝 INTJ or an INFJ 💝; #brainfood we hunger for ... and good friendships suffices it well enough. Agree with the other comments - nice to see Michael ag🧠in - Been checking the channel for uploads.🤔 As always, so nice to see Joyce's lovely face! 😊
We ESFPs are your nightmare INTJs. If you think ENFPs talk a lot then you never met an ESFP. We talk more about sensing things than ideas or concepts unless we tap into our INTJ subconscious but there are more sensing things to talk about than ideas and concepts so that is how an ESFP can talk more than an ENFP and can drive an INTJ crazy because of that. For instance, ESFPs want to know everything about you from your favorite color to your favorite music to your favorite actor to your favorite movie to your favorite song and your favorite singer or band and your favorite candy and your favorite ice cream flavor and your favorite places to go.
I could get obsessed with conspiracy theories when I am in my INTJ subconscious.
I agree with this young man wholeheartedly.
i had so many laughs out of sheer embarrassment, it's just so true
So interesting to learn more about INTJ! When I worked in the Catholic Churches, many of the priests were hardcore INTJ's!
If you ever need a male ESfJ for a panel, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm as typical as it gets for the ESFJ prototype, I'm also Enneagram 2 wing 3!
I'm completely binge watching your channel! 🤟🤟🤟
Hey @AstroBoyRicardo! I would love to have you on. Feel free to email me at joycemeng22@gmail.com and we can connect from there! :)
@@JoyceMeng22 Will do!
Omg yes 😍
ENFP here married to an INTJ:) After our first date, he called me to ask when he could see me again before he even drove away. 🥰 The rest is history, and we are so happy!
yes, we like to have control of our alone time... i agree. extroverts have more success interacting with us initially, but then feel like we never call. lets face it, we don't, but its not personal. we just don't like phone calls in general. ummm having a schedule with us is probably the easiest way to maintain an ongoing relationship with us, like a once a week or once a fortnight activity that we both enjoy, preferably that doesn't involve talking. eg. rock climbing, listening to a band, movie, or a common project that we both like working on. at some point you may want us to live with you, which may be ok if we get to have our own room, and also time to ourselves. if we don't get to have our own bedroom (which would be ideal), then a second option would be to have a workroom, garage, office space with a living area so we can relax and recharge in quiet.
To initiate dating is like singing in a strange land.
Just wondering what is considered as flirting officially? What’s the goal in doing this? For me it’s like small talk applied to romance. Can someone explain to me?
I think for me, ENTP types might be interesting as some of them like to tease and are not easily offended. I’m usually just teasing the person I’m interested in, acting like I don’t care about them at first (should stop doing that though) but I will still be asking questions, and it can actually be fun if they can handle my sarcasm and dark humour til the end.
Well, I guess it's about seduction. You want that person to notice you cause you're actually interested in them, so you want them to be interested in you too. Getting to know each other and to try to make some fire to spark from there.
I totally agree with what Michael stated about flirting not being one of our strong points. I had a really hard time talking to women
in the past. Being determined to change this, I started to train myself in cold approaches in a progressive overload kind of manner, similar to what one would do in the gym.
It was definitely a huge success, I improved a lot while doing it, I was able to approach a beautiful girl without being socially awkward or cringe and I attained much better social skills compared to what I had. I couldn't imagine a bigger fear before than approaching a stranger, especially an attractive lady and talk to her.
This was definitely the best Se improvement I have ever experienced in my life, sometimes I felt like when you enter a cheat code and you achieve god mode in video games.
Are INTJs still an open book if you ask them about their past experiences? I heard they get triggered on that topic -- due to their lack of Si.
Depends quite heavily on the INTJ. I can say that I have no desire to discuss certain past experiences. I suspect most INTJs don't want to discuss past experiences about emotional topics. Most everything else is fair game.
I don’t even remember most of them
Is attachment more about the enneagram? I’m Intj but I’m a 4w5 and my attachment style is probably all of the bad ones. 🙌
Nope it’s mainly about your early childhood experiences with your primary caregivers
What* is it like [...]
Hard Pass - enfp
😁
off topic but you're so pretty dbhdbf
Rbf doesn't help either.
On the initial encounter? NOT the INTJ. This takes days, if not weeks, of preparation to do.
I’m going to die alone aren’t I?
Cool! Thanks! I'm currently dealing with an ENTJ and I can tell he went through this thing we have using all thinking, which makes me feel like he has no feelings for me. Wonder if doesn't or if he does but similar to what Michael said about using all Thinking to pursue🤔
Entj definately would persue. Its what they love to do; you would know 110%, if it were so, imho.
@@ENFPerspectives I mean yeah he pursued me and now we live together but I STILL can't "feel" that he likes me...maybe once a week he slightly emotes lol.
And excuse typos and missed words in my post. I have been working tirelessly this week.
If an INTJ likes you they will initially be kinda mean to you
This dude is not secure and stotering to much to be a mature Intj. Whit time if we want to date we can play bad guy or study how to please a woman in any way. That’s the real INTJ way. It’s a matter of goal this dude is just not yet confident.
Hey don't put Michael down like that! As an ENFP i find him hott af and perfect as he is 😤
😂
INTJs are absolutely lovely people, gracious kind and honest. They are super bright of course but if they are healthy it’s their empathy that ultimately shines more than their intelligence. Which is why it’s a shame that most of them seem to have a dismissive avoidant attachment style and usually resistant to change (of the deep sort), which makes them not so suitable for romantic relationships in particular until they heal and mature. This isn’t common though, and if you find an INTJ like that you’ve hit the jackpot. Until then, the only types that’ll be interested in them would be insecurely attached themselves (anxious ones who like the ‘mystery’ or crazy ones who like their intelligence but can’t connect meaningfully)
On a separate note, there is an unspoken taboo theory, that personality itself is a byproduct of trauma, not just based on current lifetime but on your karmic baggage/unconscious impressions per the eastern religions/philosophy. This usually manifests as inter generational family trauma and the genetic make up.
I don't buy the trauma for personally type because I see it in children. Neurobiology, for sure.
@@ENFPerspectives Your neurobiology itself is borne out of trauma :) It’s not just about what your primary caregivers did to you. Personality is borne out of nature and nurture. But that itself is decided based on your karma, past life impressions, what you are here to learn etc. It’s not ‘you’. We get attached to these tags because it gives us an ‘identity’ and a feeling of control. It’s up to us to decide what to do with it. There is nothing permanent in our psyche, just the level of resistance varies.
Science can only comment on observable facts. It cannot prove concepts such as unconscious impressions from previous lifetimes, link between those and gene expression, the root of Inter generational trauma, collective trauma, soul, karma etc. Things are looked at a little differently in eastern philosophies/civilisation.