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Can you make a video on the parasocial phenomenon? I’d love to get your opinion on it and what to do to detach if you feel like you’re crossing that line
I swear 😩 My crush said they liked me too and we saw each other for a short time then they said they wanted to be friends...out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming. And over text. That hurt even more. Currently, they asked for space...even though they suggested friendship -_- I really don't understand them. I thought they were different. I guess I dodged the proverbial bullet. I do commend them for communicating that with me but upset that they had been thinking about it for a while and then just randomly dropping that on me. Pain 😩
I used to have that feeling as well. But don't worry too much. Just be rational: _Why do I have a crush on this girl?_ *Because my mind conceives her physique as beautiful and appealing to the senses, and therefore naturally and instinctively wants to possess it.* Rationality trumps irrationality.
@Person of Interest rationality usually only trumps irrationality if you're looking at it in a logical standpoint. Emotions are not usually logical. I may only be speaking to myself here but I cannot just use logic to stop how I feel towards someone, especially if they are already a close friend to me. A lot of the problems that come with being obsessive with a crush can still occur even when you're conscious of the unhealthy effects that come with being obsessive. Perhaps it worked for you because you have a stronger sense of mental fortitude and control your emotions with a greater ease that I can.
Have you heard the parable about a man who searched the world to find the woman of his dreams? In short he journeyed all over the globe to finally find the woman of his dreams and when he explains this to her, she responds, “but you’re not the man of mine”. Crushes can be quite the conundrum.
This is quite interesting. If you find yourself constantly preoccupied with crush in mind, it could stem from a lack of intimacy in your life. This could also be a result of a fear of emotional closeness and vulnerability with others. If you fall into this category. Having a crush and daydreaming about a crush is sort of your minds way of meeting a need for intimacy without the nitty gritties.
YES OMG THIS WAS THE REASON MY OLD RELATIONSHIP WAS RUINED- WE WOULD TEXT ALL THE TIME BUT SHE WOULD IGNORE ME IRL- I WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM AND I KNEW THAT WHAT WAS GOING ON WASNT RIGHT BUT TO ME IT WAS TOO LATE. I have learned my lesson now 😌
@@pigoman6566 i've struggled with the same every time i've had a crush, but recently my dad gave me some advice on this that made me rethink. He said that you will notice pretty quickly at the first meeting if there could be anything between you. It isn't really about what you say, but the energy that is there. You notice pretty quickly if the person seems interested/weirded out/bored etc. Think about it yourself, if the person you had a crush on came up to you, would you care about what she said to you? Probably you would just be happy that she came up to talk to you, even if she was a little awkward/nervous etc. right? Because you like her. Now if someone that you don't like came up to you and acted the same way, maybe you would instead find them weird. So I think that's actually a great way to see if someone is also interested in you. If you talk to her and you notice that she seems interested in you as well, despite what you have to say or if you're behaving a little awkward. If someone has a crush on you they won't care about that stuff as much usually. I hope this makes sense, but yeah the best way to know how someone feels about you is to just talk to them (: (even if it's scary, but at least them you will know)
as much as i want to say that that isn’t true for me, because i like person i am, i think there’s truth to this. i like how confident he is, how he doesn’t really have many people that dislike him, etc, etc
I SWEAR, just today i dreamt about him. it's terrifying tho, i developed a crush on him when i was like 4-5 and don't even think about him, ig my mind was trying to remind me that i'm still not over him 💀
Can't really do much via internet but what helped me last nov/dec was: being mindful that I am prone to periods of low mood, especially around exams and the colder months; remembering moments where it was easier being happy to remind myself that I can and I'm allowed to enjoy the small things in life, it was just harder in that moment; that inside me there's a vital core, and even if things around get murky my core is still there hidden, getting hungry, thirsty, tired and cold. When things got hard I at least could find joy and pride in taking care of it. To be honest keeping these things in mind didn't always help me, sometimes it was simply too much. b But I still think they are important, and I'm sharing them with you as much as I am reminding them to myself. Hope this helps anyone reading this.
every time i have been involved in a crush, it's been unrequited. i've been on both sides and honestly they both suck. either you have to turn someone down and thus hurt their feelings (terrible experience if you already are friends/generally have a good view of them), or you're the one who has to deal with all the self-inflicted repercussions of a fantasy you made up in your own mind. there's no winning :')
Same here, man. Hopefully you find your soulmate and I wish you the best, but I think I've lost some hope for myself in terms of relationships. I wish you well, so don't give up.
@@getjinxed101 thank you, i appreciate the well wishes and i'm sorry to hear you're losing hope. it's not easy out here for sure-i got rejected again a few days ago lol-but try not to give up, your person could very well be out there somewhere and you just haven't found each other yet. as long as you're alive you've still got time, so keep up the hope yeah? i wish you the best too 🤝
Turning people down is so tense, and asking someone out is even more tense. They're truly moments that completely change everything, and sometimes those changes add to the heartbreak. It really really sucks.
I love the reframing of a crush as something that you feel is lacking in yourself. Self care and improvement go so far. The right person will add what you never knew you needed instead of filling a void
I had a crush on a girl for years, we were good friends, but our friendship consisted merely of chatting online. I know it's cringy but I used to daydream about her. And since I was at the lowest point of my life at the time, she became my motivation to get out of it. And at some point she started to show interest in me, so, when I realized that she was flirting and that she was probably into me it felt as if the doors of heaven had opened as if all my illusions and dreams could finally come true. But quickly I had the shocking realization that my feelings were in fact not true love, but a desire to feel validated by that person I had over-idealized in my head for years. This made me feel terribly guilty as if I was betraying her for not being able to love her fully. However, I took the courage to ask her out, and we had a few dates. "Oh, she's a real person after all, she's not a product of my imagination" That's what I thought every time I saw her. And then, after getting to know her in a real, physical, context I can say that I fell in love with her as she truly is. But things were not going well, we were both very uncomfortable with each other's presence (not at all times, but more on a subconscious level), and neither of us had the courage to assert the problem and discuss it directly. So, as I realized that I was losing her, I started to feel extremely anxious and disoriented. I was under so much stress that all of my insecurities that I was so desperately trying to hide, shouted in my face. At this point, it felt like all my fears were coming true. I told her how I was feeling and then she simply rejected me lol XD. In the end, she was into me, but she didn't have the same level of commitment that I had, and I completely understand the reasons why. Accepting the fact that all was lost was probably one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. And although it hurt me to the core of my soul, I felt a relief that I had never felt before, now I can finally be at peace with myself like all of my problems and my traumas are gone. 10/10 experience, would never do it again, but I learned tons of things about myself that otherwise, I would have ignored forever. Looking back I can see all of my mistakes, so I know can solve my future (or at least I hope so). Would I date that girl again? Yes, I know that I could completely fall in love with her again, but I think that I could also fall in love with other people. And she has probably lost all respect for me so I know I have no chance. Edit: Ok so, after all this time I realized that I was feeling desperate to date her because months ago she had shared posts on Facebook about suicide. I never asked her directly about it because I was too scared to talk to her about such a sensitive topic, but many times I tried to speak about it with her without success. I fell into the trap of "wanting to save her life", but in the process, I stopped treating her like a woman and I started to behave more like a therapist, and I caused a lot of trouble and confusion to her. She was trying to open my heart and I was trying to open a pandora's box. That's the reason why we were so uncomfortable at times, and why her rejection was at the same time so crushing and so relieving. So, three months after she rejected me, I ran into her at the cinema by chance, and in a rush of adrenaline and raw courage I spoke to her. At first, she was mad at me because of how I made her feel (I had never seen her so angry before), and I apologized. Then I asked her about those Facebook posts and she was like "why didn't you ask me before? Those were simply memes", and to be honest after hearing those words I felt a huge relief. Then, we kept talking and I asked her if it was over, but she didn't give me closure. So, once again I don't know how to feel about her. I'm happy that she's alright (that's all that matters to me right now), and I think it would be extremely disrespectful of me to keep pursuing a relationship. So, for now, I think it is wiser to let time dictate our fate.
@@bandav_lohengrin I realized that our personalities are way too similar. We are both the kind of person to put the needs of others first, and when we were together we both were trying to read each other's mind which was way to exhausting because neither of us wanted to take the lead role.
Dude, I think you just saved me. I've had (hopefully in past tense) a massive crush on one of my best friends for a while now. It has gotten really bad lately and I had a breakdown just yesterday. And then I watch your video, and recognize that I've been feeling exactly the way you described. When you said that the person being crushed on often times suffers more than the person having the crush, my heart sank. I would never want to hurt her, and I didn't realize that maybe I was. I did indeed experience massive personal growth thanks to her, and that is exactly why I owe it to her to let her go. Thank you so much for this wake up call, I sorely needed it.
We’re all different points in our lives. I’ve dated people different ages and everyone has gone through different things. Goes about life differently, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. But it’s like that. Just have to move forward and onto the next chapters.
I've been in the same situation! I used to (hopefully in past tense lol) have a ginormous crush on one of my best friends. Due to certain reasons we couldn't talk anymore and that really drove me crazy.. i think there was a point when I nearly wrote him a letter saying "I'm never letting go of you" but soon afterwards I realised that is honestly a terrifying thing to say lol. Especially considering how we hadn't talked in about a month 💀so i came to my dang senses and tore up that letter for good. And like you've said, i also have had a ton of personal growth thanks to him, so i really owe it to him to let go. Although there are still some days when I ache for our friendship and it's sad I can never have that again.. keeping his comfort zone in mind. The best thing to do is nothing at all.
Hey so I want Sisyphus to know that he probably was a large chunk of pulling me out of being in a almost depression like state, the smooth jazz with the philosophy is just so nice to hear keep up the work
Sisyphus has done exactly this. He gets it. He understands how boring things are. The way he speaks has so much personality but has no lack of content. Every video he posts makes me excited. A few months ago, I was severely underweight due to depression, living in my unfurnished apartment, crying in my bed endlessly. Today, I woke up and made some cereal, skateboarded to class, listened to music, and smiled a ton. I’m applying to adopt a kitten ATM, and I’m back to pursuing my degree.
You just can't let a crush linger. The longer you wait to make a move, the worse it gets. Unless of course they have an SO, which in that case probably better to just stay away once you catch feelings
Life is better without some kind of feeling that another person's attention or affection will "save you" somehow. Life is also better without idolizing "heroes". Finding some inspiration is fine. Having an idol can become toxic.
In my current situation, it’s a workplace crush. Over the past 4 months she caused me to get out of my shell, overcome my social anxiety, become better at managing my life, etc,. She literally is making me a better man. Yet at the same time i feel like it’s the “right person at the wrong time” situation. I can’t seem to get over her yet I feel like im not quite ready to pursue anything yet. I’m not the man I want to be yet, I still have to focus on my career, still so much to do. Most of all im worried that if I don’t do anything now, I might lose the chance of something potentially great. It’s a mental battle between love and logic. It’s frustrating to be in love…
Maybe you could simply tell her the things that you appreciate about her. Tell her that you are glad you met her because her influence has made you a better person. That might be an interesting conversation!
Hey man I'm no expert in this, but here's what I think: You said you are not yet the man you want to be, so I assume you want to first become the best version of yourself, and then start a relationship with her. It's good to have these self improvement goals, but it's about the journey and not the destination. I believe love is about sharing your life and goals with someone. If this woman already had such a positive effect in your life, then I don't see why you shouldn't try to start a relationship with her, to go on this journey together. You may never even reach this goal of the "best verion of self", but it will be a lot easier (and more fun) with someone you love at your side. Just my two cents, hope it helps. Good luck
I have a similar issue with a crush at work. I have no idea what my boss will say now that I tried to pursue this person. Even though she has irrefutably made me a better person... it's turned into harassment through a text I sent her after she set a boundary sweetly. My next course of action is to assess what my needs are, which needs aren't being met, find a new job, etc. She is not my solution. Now I need to give her space. I hurt her by breaking her boundary. I hurt my workspace for my actions. I'm going to own up to it. In the end of this chapter in my life, I can conclude she made me feel safe because I never had felt safe quite like she made me feel... That's kind of why it spawned in the first place. That's why my own personal growth started. Because I wanted that safety and gentleness in my own life, which I am happy to report I have achieved. Plus my doctor said plainly: "You need to meet people outside on your own. That way you won't fall in love at work."
Crushes are the best. They motivate you to work on yourself they drive you to be better and become a better person. You just have to respect that the other person is an actual person and not an object of your fantasy. Be nice to them without needing their love back towards you. Appreciate the qualities that make you crush over them. Don't let your feelings explode out on them. Max you can do is check if they would be interested in hanging out or moving the relationship to a more romantic step. But never tell them you love them or that you want to spend your life with them. Be respectful of their individuality.
@@atroposV honestly, i agree. opinion changed as ive texted sum ppl more. i still think you have to be careful not to overdo it when texting with crushes tho
Am I the only person who's never actually had any negative feelings during a crush? I've never felt depressed, obsessed, or anything like that - never had a strong feeling of longing - just being attracted to them and very happy that they were in my life regardless of whether they felt the same.
perhaps because you don’t expect things: you see your crush(es) as they are, no fantasies or what-ifs. that is something others don’t have, not even myself
In high school my crush sat right next to me but I was absolutely terrified of her and was afraid to even look at her. I look back on it now and worry I haven't changed much since then. In any case, it takes a lot of courage to talk to someone you see as absolute perfection.
It was the other way around for me, he had a crush on me, but I didn't, although he has tried many times to make it obvious he liked me, and I'd be nice and friendly, I feel like if you had tried talking to her then maybe you mightve been friends, or rejected, but at least you tried
@@Gatozparty Makes sense, it's always the guys the have a crush in average-pretty girls in high school, lol! I also agree that he should have done anything. But tbh, If they were same class, I wouldn't do anything as well.
Limerence! So that was the word I was looking for to explain my spontaneous, years-long obsession with my first crush! Thanks sisyphus! You described all the feelings I was having and the roller coaster of emotions I was being pestered by, all in just 12min 55 sec.
don't let yourself get tripped up by the pitfalls of unrequited love. don't let it discourage you either. if you truly made an effort and did the best you could to connect with your crush, and nothing's currently happening like you thought it would, give yrself some distance from the situation. rejection is life's method of redirection. either now's the wrong time and you two make it work later on, or you find someone even better. either way, nothing in life that is as important as love should be forced. love is meant to fall into place naturally. don't rush yrself, live in the moment and find grace and love in the moment you're in now :) (this is me reminding myself as much as it is reminding you all lol. peace+luv)
@@KennyAMT tbh imo i think it’s less about fate being predestined as it is life having its own weird balance in a way. like you make yr own choices of course but they are informed by certain things that happen around you, and to me it all makes some sort of cosmic sense bc it’s based on human nature. i think both can exist tbh. life is full of complexes and paradoxes. but i could be wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
a month ago a friend of mine confessed to me and it honestly made me upset. he was the only one in my class that i actually had a lot in common with and i was glad i had someone to talk to about things no one in my class knows much about. basically, his confession shattered that comfort i had. as a girl, it's really hard to keep platonic relationships with guys and im just sick and tired of romantic emotions. i don't want to keep hurting people and ruining valued friendships. this video at least made me feel acknowledged and the amount of guilt that burdens you when rejecting someone, so thank you.
@@yourbroskijack I'm not just moving forward, my guy. Im insane, and this is where it shows. I told her that i liked her a long ago, even while knowing she would reject me, my goal while telling that being to move on. Spoiler alert - I wasn't able to. But we still remained very close friends. So y'know what i did? The day before yesterday. I went up to her, and said, "Look, y'know, I have liked you for a long time. YOU tell me how should I approach you."
@@soumickdas9674 I don THINK YOU INSANE in any way BRAH you loved someone wanted to closure and went for it when you LOVE LOVE someone it just don’t go away with ONE word love is love is very powerful but all wounds heal with TIME and I also don’t think why YOUU think it is insane to ask Her How should I APPROCH YOUUU
Funny, recently I got over a wild crush I had on this Colombian girl who was incredible at dancing. I’m really grateful I was self aware enough to realise “hey, this is a really good excuse to ride this wave productively and start learning Spanish and dancing so that either I can impress her or come out of it alone but with 2 new abilities!” Turns out I just really like dancing and have fallen in love with Spanish because it’s a lovely language - she just happened to awaken those repressed desires🤷♂️
Something like that is happening to me, as an Hispanic person this Dutch guy is making me wanna improve my Dutch + I’m getting even more interested into math. He’s admirable
you do so good at making me think, this isnt a video about seeking an answer so problems, but a guide to figuring them out myself, and im very thankful, helping me alot, all your videos. thank you
I loved how you equal having a crush on someone to seeing that they have or provide something that we feel is missing in our lives. When I'm involved in anything romantic with someone what I appreciate most is the love and tenderness they show towards me, and I start to idealize the person because of that.
I am curious about #incel types who don't connect with this video in a useful/significant way: why not? What seems untrue or irrelevant about the content to you, which then enables keeping your incel frame of reference?
I ruined so many friendships by obsessing over crushes and disappearing when I got rejected. I'll always be sorry for my unhealthy relationship dynamics back then. Its hard to not build a fantasy in my head tho
That's fine. If you didn't felt the need to be in their friendship, then it was probably not that important to begin with. Don't worry, it's fine! Learn from your mistakes and move on!
I get where you're coming from, but I'll say this: You don't owe people your friendship. It's perfectly okay to take a step back from people who don't reciprocate romantic feelings, it's probably the mentally healthy thing to do in most cases. Better to do that than lying to their face about your feelings for them.
I can totally relate to that feeling. I set up a business meet-up with someone I’d previously met at a dance event. The connection was easy and natural, and we even hugged at the end. A few days later, I messaged to see where things stood... but got no response.
fuck. it's true. limerence can ruin lives. i remember that one time i thought i was in love with someone only to realize that it has started to become an obsession. it can only mean that i wasn't ready, or emotionally developed enough, for it to be a healthy feeling.
As someone who has ADD, I often become hyper fixated on hobbies or topics. Only recently did I realize that this is also what is happening when I develop a crush. This “limerence” is what I experience almost every time, because I cannot stop my thoughts from running wild. Eventually, I get over my crush, and it’s all fine. But for a week, a month, or even more sometimes I’m just in agony…
FRRRRRR i also have ADD and this couldn't be more accurate. usually for me it will be abt ~6 months, give or take, but i will be OBSESSSEDDDDD. like it gets soo bad, but then all of a sudden, within a week, ill be completely over them and view them as any other person. like make it make sense
Ikr, my dad said to me few weeks ago (the context is too long but its kinda funny) that sometimes when nothing goes right, it could be a sign to fight for your objective and try harder, so dont give up because of your friends, just tank it and try, the worst that could happen is they dont like her which is fine. I have the same problem and i know my friends think that my crush isnt that pretty so its kinda akward to admit to them, but you gotta do it!
I have been suffering from limerence for a little over 8 months. I had no way to describe how I felt until I saw this video. I am just so shocked at how much I relate to everything said, after watching this multiple times I feel kind of free - I feel like my obsession is slowly fading. Thank you so incredibly much, I have felt stuck for so long. Sadly the qualities I were seeking in my LO aren't things I have the ability to control. Safety, Respect, Bond, Comfort, Love, Relatability. Afterall, I'm only a minor so I can't just leave home.
4:30 "it (the crush) usually goes beyond the sexual, they compliment my lack at an ontological level" - I recommend watch and study the film Decision to Leave by Park Chan-wook, it explores this in a beautiful and symbolic way. 7:50 "There are few culture scripts to follow when it comes the person who’s being crushed on … who is object of love and simply cannot reciprocate is incredibly uncomfortable and awkward situation to be in" - I recommend watch the film 500 Days of Summer by Marc Webb, it explores this idea and shows her side of the story. 10:26 "Towards Authenticity" - I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, this helped to find meaning in life and being myself in the face of suffering
@@zucc4764 Yea, story is told from Tom’s perspective but upon 2nd watch, I can’t help but notice Summer’s feelings. I sympathize with Tom because of his romanticism and I can see why her cynicism brings a lot of backlash from viewers. The film is not only about his infatuation or her cynicism but ask the question - "are we compatible?" We can agree to disagree and I am simply pointing out Sisyphus’s words - sometimes the pursued suffer more because she/he can’t reciprocate those unrealistic expectations. This reminds me Ernest Becker in his book Denial of Death once said "..he fixed his urge to cosmic heroism onto another person in the form of a love object."
@@sean721888 You mentioned something about compatibility. Do core values play a role on that too? How do you perceive love? What does loving someone mean for you? Thanks for the first movie recommendation btw ^^
Right when we needed you, uh? So basically. Long story short, a year and some time ago I met this girl at university, she already had a boyfriend, so our friendship just developed completely freely from any type of romantic pressure. But then they broke up, and at a certain point I just kind of noticed that I kept smiling while talking and chatting with her. So. You know. It developed into something else And there are a lot of problems: first of all, I don’t want to ‘ruin’ the friendship. So, what I’ve been trying to do was dropping really subtle and small hints of my fucking love to her, but she seems to dodge everything lmao. I see nothing in her behavior that signals a reciprocated feeling. Secondly, I don’t even know if this is true love or not. Just to put things in perspective, I’m a pretty lonely guy. Never had a relationship and whatnot. So I don’t know if I’m in love with this person because I like her, or just because my brain is playing a stupid trick on me and is trying to fall in love with the first person that gives him attention. Because I swear, I don’t even know what I like about her personality, I just know that there’s that type of chemistry between us, but I can’t really pinpoint what I love about her, except for the silly experiences we’ve had together. I don’t know man, love is so fucking stupid and irrational, what the fuck
I'd say you've already "ruined" your friendship. Even though my ego wouldn't allow me to confess things to others when they aren't showing feelings. I think you should just not regret what you're doing. Hopefully you don't wake up 3 years later going "damn I should've told her"
This is exactly how I ruined my relationship with my friend. We both were in different relationships when we first met so there was also no pressure and we both had those relationships end. After a year of being single I asked her out and she told me that she is not comfortable with it. It was not supposed to be a big deal but just as the video said, I feel like she felt bad after my confession and will not talk to me anymore. To this day, I’ve been contemplating the ethics of having a crush since I feel like I did a morally wrong thing with asking her out. But c’est la vie.
If you're not sure what exactly it is that you like about them, it could be that you just want to be closer to them - you have a need for closer interpersonal relationships and a crush is one way for your brain to address this (Also, on the note of crushes ruining friendships: in high school most of my friends had unreciprocated crushes on each other at some point, and that didn't end any of our friendships. Sure, there's usually a period of awkwardness after the feelings are made known. But it's okay eventually! The crush subsides and you're still friends. I can understand how most people see it as the end, but my encounters with this situation contradicted that idea)
Sisyphus, I just like to say thank you for showing me what I have been feeling for the past half of a year. I've been stuck on the same dumb person for many months that wasn't available from the start. It led me down a dark path that only recently have been getting out of and your video is helping me reach that goal of becoming better. I thought that no one else had felt the way I could have before this video. I done worrying about her, thank you.
I think it's funny how we talk so much about breaking up with an clearly "toxic" person ,but not about stopping to have a crush on someone like that.Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that you cannot change people who are unwilling to do so. I think it would be really helpful if there was more depiction of people having crushes on people who don't always treat them well and trying to stop that feeling than falling for them and "fixing" them in media. Edit: Sometimes people can have crushes on people that give them a bad feeling because of some bad or mixed signals they give off.From my experience ,these people with the so called “toxic” crushes are not usually taken seriously by their friends and family members and the most common piece of advice for them is to somehow “stop” liking them.However ,it can be as difficult to admit that you have such a crush and want to get over them/know why you developed those feelings as admitting that you are a pathological liar or something...I feel like “Toxic” people are often being so dehumanised due to their unpredictable and damaging behaviour that any act of empathy towards them is considered equivalent of aiding and abetting to their “crimes”.On that context , people with those crushes can be confused/ashamed about their feelings and even deny their obsession by mistaking it with empathy and curiosity about a so called “bad” person.My initial point was that it is not very easy to escape such a “harmful”/forbidden because of your previous morals obsession, even harder if there is any kind of reaction from the other.Actually when moving from the “toxic crush” to the “toxic relationship” phase you start to learn your lesson the hard way. Anyways,sorry for the long comment.Because I’m speaking from experience the best things to do when dealing with such feelings is to : 1 Ask yourself(write it down for bonus points) why are you feeling this way on the first place.Try to make your answers as uncensored as possible.Maybe your crush has a trait that you would like to have ,or their behaviour is similar to someone else you really wanted their attention in the past (like parents, exe lovers and friends). 2 Tell a trustworthy person,trying to express your feelings in the most analytical way possible(not just for example “I fell for the bad guy”).You could also try therapy (I highly recommend this) for an expert’s opinion. 3 Act around him like you are taken.So,don’t overanalyse their behaviour ,avoid initiating conversations etc. 4 Always remember your worth isn’t measured by a random person’s opinion,let alone someone who has clearly some psychological issues .
That's a weird takeaway. What situation are you imagining here? Like someone leading a person on to get something out of them? In my experience that is extremely rare. If you are crushing on a garbage person, they will treat you like garbage because that's how they treat everyone. How exactly is it anyone else's fault but your own for allowing someone to treat you like crap when you have no relationship to start with?
Absolutely. I fell for a close friend who was initially fine but later turned toxic. In retrospect the toxicity was inevitable. He was clearly damaged goods, the red flags were so obvious but I was propelled I think both by a selfless want to see him become the better person I thought he could be and a selfish desire for him to become who I wanted him to be. Wish I could've learned not to invest so much in unworthy people as this is a pattern I'm beginning to repeat 😔
@@skeetsmcgrew3282 I don't think that's what they are getting at. I see the point to be a separation from the Crush and the person you have a crush on. wanting the person you have a crush on to live up to what your Crush intails is dangerous
That's kind of fair. The first person I ever really truly loved in that way definitely became toxic and harmful towards me, sometimes on purpose. I did have to learn the hard way that it's not ok and not something I can just ignore until it gets better nor something that really will change, and I wouldn't be suprised if others had to learn that as well. It's a valuable lesson though, it teaches you what you truly think you deserve and brings out the worst in you. You can't really help the fall though, because if I could I never would've. I would've backed out the second I noticed the red flags, but it was too late for me by then lol
i think this is the first time in all my life ive ever actually been in love, but it feels so healthy to me. no obsessiveness, no anger, no doubt, no rough feelings, none of that. i really like this feeling. i like the butterflies and the way my heart beats fast and when my face gets red. i like the warmth being in love gives me. and i think its because ive found someone i actually WANT to be in love with. someone who likes me for who i am and i love them for who they are. i never really thought i'd feel it ever. but i like it. i really like it. i love how my face gets warm when i get complimented by them and how i trip over my words. i love when i flirt and they get embarrassed. i love them. sisyphus makes another banger video just when i needed it... he's like a mind reader or something. update: looks like i have a boyfriend now :) update update: im horribly sad to say we have broken up today. tomorrow would’ve been our 6 month anniversary. i’m extremely heartbroken, but i suppose that’s just how it is sometimes. thank you all for the kind replies, they were awesome to read. thank you all. :) THIRD EDIT??: we still like each other. that much is obvious! we’re sorta just on the fence about dating i think but the flirting is fun !!!! it’s cute
That was actually how I felt the first time I fall in "love". It makes sense cause you are pure and innocent about this topic. Glad it worked out for you!
My experience of this shaped my younger teenage years. I was obsessive about someone from the age of 12 til about 16 and the lack of control I felt around it had my mental health down the drain. I was a kid not being taken seriously; I really didn't even want to feel this way anymore, but my thoughts were entirely intrusive. I was enamoured by this crush I had developed in my head. As I got into therapy it became pretty clear they were 1. Someone I wish I was. Healthy, social, adored, attractive. 2. A new distraction to keep me from having to feel real feelings. 3. An unhealthy reliance in my brain that no matter how shit my life was, I always had them to escape to. Which is so ironic, because majority of the time it was my number one source of stress and depression. 4. A manifestation of a child who was never taught boundaries, how to handle rejection, or what healthy coping mechanisms looked like. I used to feel so much guilt and embarrassment for how those years played out. It's pretty crazy how someone's delusions can shift someone else's entire reality. I go through life a decade later, aware of my brain's habit to use crushes as an escape and search inwards when they start to approach being "attractive tools to help self actualise". So incredible to hear this perspective and nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for the video 🥹
wow, im actually going through this rn as a 14 year old and honestly never told a soul bc im embarrassed since I've never had close relationships or experienced much affection so it feels weird and idk how to express it. ur points actually make a ton of sense and seem to fit what im experiencing, this was helpful and useful, thanks :)
This video made me sad but it was great. I don’t like pursuing because it has always ended in more emotional pain than I was in before. I’ve never understood those who would ask ppl out before having a crush on them. For me, if I go through with asking someone out its because I have thought abt it hundreds of times and I am certain that I want to be with them. I usually am logical and have control over my emotions but when I like someone, I slowly start to lose that control and I always can tell it’s happening. My heart always wants to give it a try and risk the pain for potential happiness, but my brain never wants to risk it and is always trying to rationalize why it’s not worth pursuing, my brain uses humility, low confidence, and other tactics to try and control my actions but my heart has it’s own tactics it likes to use. It’s like a game of tug-of-war between my heart and my brain, and I’m just a prisoner of that war.
watching this feels like i set my morning alarm to my crush yelling "just give up". but thank you for supporting me in not giving up a great friendship for a crush that doesnt like me back. lets hope this doesnt backfire.
Woah, wait where did he say that? That is not the takeaway I got at all. If anything he suggested the exact opposite. If someone in your life is hurting you with unrequited love, you need to back off and work on yourself, since nobody can choose who they have feelings for
Well, think about how you'll feel when (cause it will happen for sure) your crush with someone else. Try to imagine it in your head and if it doesn't bother you, then it will not backfire.
As someone whos somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (I'm not completely aromantic as I've still fallen in love, it's just a lot harder for me and it feels different than how its portrayed in the mainstream), I always felt incredibly pressure and weirded out by other people experiencing fleeting crushes. I've had people develop crushes towards me, and while I only ever realized their feelings after they had simmered away, I hated how guilty it made me feel for accidentally leading them on in some way or another without even noticing it. I just found the whole idea of crushes generally nonsensical, especially the lengths I would see people go to "conquer" someone who didn't express any interest towards them, and I just couldn't get why people wouldn't just stop once they noticed the other person's disinterest. People saw love as more of a game, where if they managed to score up enough points, their crush would like them back. It all felt too rational, and so it was easy for me to fake crushes just so I wouldn't feel left out for not experiencing them. I don't really know where I was really going with this, but I just felt compelled to share my own experience in regards to this topic, considering how differently I seem to approach romance and sexuality. Human beings are complicated, and love is even more complicated than any human can understand.
It's nice to see comments that brings up the aromantic spec into the conversation. I recently realized that I'm also on this spectrum. I've struggled for so long trying to differentiate platonic, romantic, and sexual feelings but only ever really acknowledging the platonic and sexual ones, thinking that something is wrong with me, but then i realized that's just how I am. A lot of the times I'd associate the "spark" of being sexualy attracted to someone as me having a crush on them, but when i realized that I don't know if i want to actually date them it made me realize my aromanticism even more. I had fallen in love a couple times, which i honestly don't even know if they were truly 'love' or not that i felt, but often times I'd feel guilty for not being able to romantically love them as much as they do me. Since it's almost like a fluctuation for me, sometimes it's there sometimes it's hardly there. And since it's hard for people around me to understand the concept of not being able or barely able to feel romantic feelings, most of the times people would undermine the fact that I'm aromantic and will just go for it, got their heart broken, and I'll feel a little bad for not being able to reciprocate. It's a very emotionally draining cycle. Recently I started developing a little feeling for one of my classmates, and I'm still having a hard time lol. I'm not sure how to deal with this intangible jumbled mess, I don't know for sure as to what exactly am i feeling and I don't want to drag them into this either.
It's nice to see someone on the aromantic spectrum sharing their perspective. As someone who's also on somewhere on that spectrum the only innate feeling I "feel" for someone is an aesthetic attraction. It's mostly when I'm out in public, I see "attractive" people so often I wonder if there's anything more. It could be just tunnel vision n I'm drawn to that person for extended period of time but other than that I don't see myself in an actual relationship. It's cool to think about (like movie clichés) but idk feelings are confusing lol
i really appreciate this comment. not in the spectrum but- my first and current crush is aro. ever since i started developing feelings for them, i've been looking into aromanticism. i have a p bad history with depression and 'choosing' my emotions by canceling them out with logical reasoning (including faking crushes) because of my inability to feel emotions at all, hence, i'm really surprised with myself and how strong my attraction is for said person but i think why i feel this way is exactly bc of the sudden transition i had to go through of feeling nothing to the point where i had to pretend, to feeling so much that sometimes i have no control over it. if i wanted to, i could've gotten over this crush sooner, but the fear of never being able to feel like this again stopped me. it's not until recently that my feelings have lessened that i'm finally in the right mind to think and i'm starting to realize that maybe i can apply my experience to understand aromanticism a bit better and get over this crush. i kept justifying my emotions by telling myself that i deserve this or it would harm nobody when in fact, it's probably harming me and the other person. asking them out, confessing, or getting them to reciprocate was never in the question even before i knew they were aro but i've probably been so obvious i can only imagine how they feel. uncomfortable? guilty? i'll never know but, i don't wanna risk it. i guess i really needed this video. i should probably start finding the perfect balance between my feelings and being rational. i just don't know if there's a balance at all, or for me at least. i forgot what i was going for too but this was a good vent lol
I really appreciate you bringing this up. I'm also on the aromantic spectrum and really resonate and relate to your experiences. I've also had people crush on me before and when they confessed, I never knew how to react. I too felt like I had unintentionally led them on and I always felt guilty that I would have to reject them and so, I always left them with an unclear answer and eventually, their feelings would fade, and I never really knew if I had liked them, but at the same time, if I did, I probably would've known. I never understood those fleeting crushes either because when you're into someone, wouldn't you want to be with them for the long-term? Lots of people do tend to view relationships as a fling, and I honestly hate it because it shows how much commitment those people lack.
Dangggggg I really needed to watch this. I’ve recently been developing a crush on someone I barely know but it was making me feel very sad because I didn’t feel good enough and I realize now that I really like their qualities and need to grow myself to where I want to be.
every sisyphus video makes me rethink my life, but this one, this one hit me so hard. after having experienced this exact feeling and emotional instability 3 weeks prior, i wish i had this video then to tell me what is happening. this video literally has opened my eyes so much i cant even start to show how thankful i am.. as i watched this video i was literally replaying everything that went on in my mind over the past month and every single thing added up. i learned now about limerence. thankyou
I read this as: "Falling in love is the concentrated singularity of one's patheticness, meant to be overcome with the goal of self-actualization." Which I find is a one-dimensional view. Love has inherent worth, no matter what underlying psychological mechanisms it is accompanied, or maybe even caused by. The feeling itself is worth feeling, worth holding, and worth suffering for. If you or anyone is in pursuit of preventing suffering first and foremost, that is an acceptable, perhaps even noble way to live. But it is not the only way. In my opinion, loving someone unconditionally without forcing uncomfort onto them, and accepting everything that that stance entails for one's self, is one of the most honorable forms of existence. I'd rather be hopelessly optimistic than optimistically hopeless.
Then you read it wrong. I can see how this video might mislead some people into thinking that limerence and falling in love are one in the same. First off, love isn't even a well determined concept in psychology. I don't think there are any scientific measures to what true love is and I don't believe we'll find any. It's much easier to find what type of attachment can lead to a personal failing. Limerence is about obsession and desire characterized by the lack as said in the video. How about you, what is this "love" that you speak of? The way you're speaking about it, it sounds pretty far from limerence so I don't see how this video is one-dimensional. It speaks about what it speaks of, it's not to generalize all experiences of love as how you summed the video up.
@@canti7951 Okay, maybe it's me being inattentive, but I don't see a clear cut distinction between "limmerence" and "being in love". It seems to me as though limmerence is equated to falling in love in general, because the video is titled "so you have a crush" and it begins with Zizek's description of falling in love. Then it proceeds to seemlessly transition into limmerence, without clearly making distinctions between limmerence and what was talked about earlier. Maybe I'm wrong, I have only watched the video once.
I agree with that... To a certain extent. The concept of unconditional devotion to another can be equally reductive; there is the other extreme of the recipient being unappreciative of one's devotion entirely. While you likely weren't referring to self-sacrifice, let alone romanticizing that within a toxic relationship, the line should be drawn there as well. My takeaway was instead that it is okay to feel attraction towards someone, but that it shouldn't be twisted into overly high expectations that would be mutually detrimental if the recipient didn't feel the same way.
@@adhoclavaman I agree with you, if the person you have affection for does not appreciate your affection, and you still find yourself infatuated, then one must ask oneself some questions. But if there is some appreciative reciprication, even if it is not necessarily in the form of an eventual romantic relationship, it can still be a unique, valuable and satisfying journey.
@@inkarnator7717 I don't think you can call something "falling in love" if the other person doesn't agree that you are in a relationship at all. Maybe because it doesn't feel good to admit that a hard crush is sort of inherently pathetic. There is a certain emotional intimacy that is only obtainable through a mutually romantic relationship. If you develop "love" from afar, without their consent or knowledge, that constitutes limerance. Think of it this way: sex is consensual, r@pe is not, both are essentially the same act.
At 12:21, that little paragraph brought a subconscious pattern i have been mindlessly practicing into the foreground. I never thought of my crushes as holy beings, and i found myself, almost immediately, dissecting these feelings and ideals i have about said crush. I have come to the conclusion that there's a lot of work that needs to be done by myself, and that was the hardest part of the whole process of liking someone. I knew i never had the strength, nor the will to improve on myself and satisfy whatever it is that has been repressed. I ended up not doing anything at all, and fell into a pattern of dull routines. And for my whole life, i have only had two crushes ever and never did i even try to approach the person on both occasions. I knew that their affection wouldn't be enough, and i convinced myself of that to a point where i didn't even like the topic of love and thought it was naive. This continues till this day. And it is a double-edged sword; you need to have some control over your infatuation without depriving yourself from it. You need the healthy balance. And as much as i hate the statement that i am about to say, it's nonetheless true: only you can truly help you, that is if you put in the effort and work. I didn't do any of that, and instead, i just fell into a deeper hole of isolation and all that good stuff. I am, however, patient. I always have been. I think this whole essay i wrote is half venting, and the other half is me trying to point out the other side of the coin which is depriving yourself from it despite the desire you have to experience it.
Woah. That is eerily similar to my situation. Had the same 2 crushes but never asked them out, dissecting the feelings and ideals i had about them almost immediately almost like falling into a never ending rabbit hole. Falling into isolation and pattern of dull routines. Man does it feel like hell doesn’t it? I’ve been patient with my situation for the past three years. I finally feel like I’m getting out of this rot. Its hard very hard to stay still and think as you fall behind due to the nature of entropy, on the other hand if you think in a specific manner/pattern you probably will rewire and hardcode the brain to think that way. Deadlocked. Ohh well, as long as we preserve we’ll arrive there one day. Wishing you the best. ❤
@@shlurpittyshlorpdip9862 Wow, i feel validated lmao. It's hard indeed, but just like you got used to being alone, you can get used to being with others. I am happy you're doing better with yourself, stranger, and i wish you the best too. 💞
As an ace/aro person, I think this explanation was really useful! I’ve always had a hard time empathizing with those with a crush, and whenever someone tried to explain it, their answer tended to be very ambiguous and hard to follow. On the other hand, this video was very well explained and didn’t seem overly abstract. I honestly really liked the way you explained it, it was very intriguing!
My bestie is also aroace, she finds that difficult too, even when several guys confessed her love she couldn't feel the same at all. She discovered her orientation recently and in our group of friends we support her!
@@FlamerElBossoGangsteritoChito that's nice to hear! :) online, I get the feeling that very few people know or want to know about aromantic people, so I'm glad you and your friends were so casual and understanding about it. It's not like aro folks can change anything about their brains so it's always such a shame when I see them met with mockery because others think they are just dumb or something.
I needed this right now. Got rejected about a week ago, and was made to, as you so eloquently put it "reevaluate my life and the world around me". thank you!
Wow. I had to watch this in parts because it definitely dumped a load of realization on me. I’ve suffered some trauma as a kid, but I never really knew just how much it really affected me in the present. I really only thought it manifested itself in my anger issues, violent tendencies, occasional intrusive thoughts, and moodiness, but this video really showed me that trauma kind of affects your entire fucking being… I’ve always been an extremely obsessive person too. I always wondered why I’d become obsessed with these girls to the point that it was all I thought about, to the point of extreme mood swings and self harm and anxiety, even if I didn’t want to admit that all of those were caused by my strange infatuation with the person. Which I mean, it’s not; it’s me - well, that was something I always knew. What I didn’t realize was that it’s not me; it’s my trauma. I’m slowly starting to pick apart the pieces of my childhood development and how that impacts everything I am and everything I do. Last year was definitely the worst of it, but this year has been a lot better. I’m actually starting to love myself I think. I’m beginning to feel more comfortable. I actually have a crush on someone right now, and they like me back. I’ve been really confused and apprehensive about it, but I think this video convinced me to pursue it. They’re not perfect; they only check off half of my checkboxes, yet I still really like them. I’m trying to figure out what it is about them that allures me, what they mean in my life, because I never would’ve expected to like them like this. I guess I just I’m just not used to having a healthy infatuation with someone.
The Last quote struck me... All in all, whatever you do in life, whatever you fail at doing, you really need to face your problems and ask them, ask yourself , and solve them, little by little, you will find the answer, with some patience throughout the process... Limerence or crushing on someone is one of them, you realize you overexagerate your desired vision or version of them in your head, even while you're with them, everything you can make an excuse out of it, it really takes to stop there and ask yourself until you find the optimal answer, is to be ethical and honest with yourself, and with others, you will find the real you at the end.
I have gotten over a crush in the past - it was some of the most difficult times I've had, but after it all I know I came out a more mature person. Now it's happening again, and somehow from the moment I realized it, I had made up my mind that I'll just push through this one as well, and just relax until the next one hits me. I've always been shut off and kept to myself, maybe these intense crushes are a way of my subconscious telling me that something needs to be let out. What a well-timed video. Thanks, and good luck to everyone lmao
This came at the perfect time. I recently confessed to a girl I've liked for 4 years and had trouble getting over the rejection. Although i tried sleeping around, no contact, keeping myself busy, and following "self-love" advice from a couple of friends , the thoughts of her and the rejection would still linger and hit at the most random times (even when I was with other people). This really helps rationalize everything and helps me cope better. Thanks man
Blimey, I feel more terrified and scared of hearing these psychological phenomena and relating them in some way than any other horror movies I've watched for the past 15 years.
Real right? In adulthood I just don't care about horror movies any more because real life itself is so scary and emotionally overwhelming (while being fascinating and beautiful at the same time).
This video showed up at the right time. Such a good video, I was so surprised that there was a word explaining how I feel sometimes, "Limerence". I never got to the point of stalking and I think I can get over them(crushes) quickly but in the middle of the process, even if it's fast, I do feel very anxious all the time, and get some mood swings when I'm starting to talk and meet with them. It's been easier and easier managing these feelings over some time, but in the beginning I always felt sick to my stomach because of the anxiety. Great video and it made me feel alot better knowing I'm not the only one(this is obvious but still) going through these situations! Loved the chill music too! Keep it up!
I once had a crush a day before travelling somewhere. I barely knew them but I couldn't stop thinking about them. After two weeks, I came back and saw that person again. I felt pretty disappointed by the fact that they were a pretty normal person and not who I had imagined them to be. After a while, I started to feel bad when I realised that of course they weren't gonna be who I had expected them to be. Just a story that I thought was worth sharing.
Interesting video, as always. I think that the only crush worth pursuing absolutely is that of the love of life itself. If you manage to fuel it, it'll never betray you. For as long you live 🤗
This video really helped me feel good about the way I deal with things. Typically I will wait one month after I start developing these feelings to make sure It is how I feel and take the month as an opportunity to have fun with them as friends before I decide to confess (It would be weird to get a confession from a stranger so I just try to be a good friend). During the confession I try to make it as chill as possible for them, simply explaining what things I admire the most about them and trying to repeatedly reinforce the Idea that if they don't feel the same way they can say it plain and simple because I'm good with rejection. I do everything in my power to make it easy for them to feel as comfortable as can be If they don't like me back. Everyone in my life has told me that I should pursue more because its more romantic, but for now I think I want to hold back and learn from my experiences first before diving in to deep.
This video has to be one of the most profound and introspective pieces of media I have ever consumed. It truly helped me get the "push" I needed to move on, and that last line on the most ethical way to approach your self growth is key. I have always tried to look at things in a rational, logical way, and that is just the thing I needed to blow away the mist clouding my judgement.
This video literally came out as I needed it to and it made me understand things about myself I didn't know or refused to face. Thank you Sisyphus for your oddly well timed video
After finishing the video, I am very grateful for the advice and I will try not to be obsessed and have high expectations of them being able to reciprocate my feelings. 😁
@@npc4416 Was just gonna reply that lmao, usually you don't just go through a list and be like "yeah maybe might have a crush on this guy" it just happens, might be the first time you see em, it might develop over the course of a week. But the thing that sucks is that you never choose em.
@@kingdewb6692 yeah I often had some kind of decision-making involved when it came to developing crushes, but I'm prolly just a lil bit lovequeer and neuroqueer lol
There nothing wrong with having a crush. The problem is in letting those dreams fester in inaction. It’s only when you get rejected or let go yet still romantically hold on to them after months, or even years, that it becomes unhealthy.
I was once the "crush" of a classmate. Being a new kid at a school that started the year off with virtual classes, I decided to lay low until the time comes for me to socialize. Yet I had been invited to several virtual and in-person activities with my new classmates, although in each event one person consistently attended and tried to talk to me. We didn't have much in common, and my attraction to men is less compared to other genders. I didn't really understand what he was trying to do until my new friends from said class asked me about him and if I liked him. I was scared, were they just my friends because they wanted me to be with this guy? If I said no would I be alone again? I left it open ended because I was an insecure recent teen, and it's a regret I hold still. Thus his persistence made me uncomfortable in the entire sense of the word. Not only would they (the friend group) purposefully invite me to events and cancel for us two to be alone, but locked us in a room once. He confessed, scared again, I left it open ended. Finally, at a birthday party, he asked if I could give him a chance. Saying that he has changed for the good since he met me, that he left his "bad boy" life, that he loves himself since I gave him advice, etc. I remember he even spoke to my mom and sister about me (which got me in trouble), I got really pissed off at that point and told him that I was not interested. I could've said it in a nicer way but I just wanted to be left alone. From there, the class considered me rude and a heartbreaker because I rejected him. I'll admit that I hurt him due to my immaturity in handling conflict but resorting to lengths that he committed made me resent him. I don't talk to much of that friend group nowadays but I'm happy that I'm not a crush anymore.
Since I fell for my first crush 2 years ago, ive never seen any other girl interesting, only her. I didnt know why because I knew she is not that perfect, till I saw this video, and now i understand it. When I met her (in one of my lowest points of my life), after some months of talking, I felt in love, i confessed and got "soft" rejected, she wasnt very clear, cause she was maybe trying to not hurt me, but by doing that made keeping my hope still alive. After that we stopped talking for like a year and still in that time I couldnt move on. So, a year passed by, we started talking again and the feeling of "Limerence" kicked in, (or never left me), cause i was, again, with my acts UNCONSCIOUSLY trying to convince that im the one for her, and thats like.. having the neediness of being reciprocated in love. Literally the definition of Limerence. Watching this video made my eyes open up that I wasnt really in love with her, I was just obsessed. I hope that now I can move on finally, im maybe telling this feeling this to her, she will get mad, but its the truth... and I like being honest.
The airport terminal thing really hits home. One of the most memorable crushes I've ever had was on this drop-dead gorgeous TSA security officer at LAX back in 2014. I still dream of her.
Developing a crush on someone in ways is a clear indication that the person needs to have a better relationship with themselves and their social peers. The question, however, still remains: Is the person supposed to approach their crush with a romantic incentive or not?
I would say approach, but only once and within a few days of meeting the person at most. If they reject you, even softly (ie, I want to get to know you better) then take that as complete rejection. If you then have the ability to move on from romantic desire, then you can attempt to be friends if you want. I know my highschool crush (my first and only real crush to date) used that exact line on me, which I think she meant to softly say no but actually was leading me on. If the crush agrees, then you can try to see their actual character in a romantic relationship and whether you truly like them or just the fantasy you had of them in your head. If you find out you don't really like them you need to immediately break it off, followed by a period of retrospection exploring why you were attracted to them in the first place (though I would reccomend this regardless it's most important here). If you do both actually like eachother that's great, the only thing you need to do is really avoid toxic dependency.
Thank you for explaining the difference between crush and limerence. Crush is okay so long as you can still move on in life with whomever else you may develop a crush for and/or if your crush moves on in life. But, also important that if you gain your target's desires, you don't have expecations that they match the idea you made of them... Thanks for all that.
The first time I really had a crush on somebody I went through almost all these motions of being obsessed, being rejected, being more obsessed because it was sugarcoated, and finally growing from it. I look back at the experience and cringe, although it was an important experience for me to go through. Yes, it brought me to some of the darkest points of my life, pits that I’m still working on clawing myself up and out of, but it also made me realize who I am. I’d rather be me and depressed than be nobody and not feel anything. Now, these feelings I felt for that girl are returning for another girl I’ve just met. There’s again an excitement and some sort of joy, but now I’m also just worried that I’m going to do the same things over and get it all wrong again. But I think now that I can admit to myself that I was a stalker and a manipulator, and now that I’ve recognized through therapy that a huge source of my feelings is my turbulent childhood, I can do it right this time. I can respect boundaries now that I know I’ve broken them before, respect her now that I know people are more than just objects of desire, respect myself now that I know that I ought to be the most important thing in my own life.
I don't think Limerence is limited to having a crush. I'm friends with a couple and in the past i got the suggestion that they wanted to have an intimate experience with me. I was single, so I loved that idea, and cherished the idea of being special in the eyes of another, even when i had no romantic feeling towards either the girl or the guy. When they ended up doing it with someone else, i felt incredibly rejected and realized i had deep personal issues with rejection and feelings of loneliness and inferiority. Turned out the couple, especially the guy, was afraid i would develop feelings for him. In this sense, they feared of becoming an Limerence Object. It was a big disillusioning for me and i very much try to grow from this experience, to become more mature and face the deeper needs i apparently miss in my life.
Sooo.... They were correct? You probably would have developed feelings? Interesting that you felt rejected for something that was entirely true. They were rejecting you precisely because you weren't a good match for meaningless sex
@@skeetsmcgrew3282 No, they were not correct. I felt rejected as a friend, not as a potential lover. I came to the conclusion I needed more than meaningless sex, even though any engagement with that couple would not give me what i wanted. The interesting part was indeed that I was aware of this and understood it. I guess I was hoping that even though it would have meant nothing sexually or romantically that it would still give me intense satisfaction and meaning in life, as the Sisyphus describes in the video.
This video was pretty helpful at explaining at least the last 7 - 8 months of my life. An obsession with a girl who felt shy but authentic. A little like me at the time I suppose. At the time I wasn't even sure I liked her but after a few chats with her I thought it would be worth the shot so I asked her for her number in an attempt to get to know her better and there she told me she had a boyfriend. I didn't want to make her upset and having faced worst rejections before, I wished her well with a smile on my face and left. Yeah I was heartbroken for about a week until I next saw her and I don't know what I saw in her eyes but she seemed happy to see me. My fear of rejection and I suppose my pride kept me distant and prevented me from talking to her but I was confused. To me it seemed like she wanted to be around me, waiting for me to talk to her. Prior to even getting to this point I had already decided that if she did turn me down, that I'd do the mature thing at least strive for her friendship. However after seeing her expression and somehow convincing myself that this was a test I still had a shot if I tried and gave it some more time, I began working on myself. Mentally and physically, I just wanted to be better, for her more than myself. I sucked up my pride and kept talking to her after that even if I was a little shaky at times. Lost weight (60 pounds down from 200), worked out, took better care of my skin, attempted different clothing styles, focused more on my personal interests as well as some of hers. After a few months she warmed up to me a bit. All of this helped my self-esteem and made me more open and confident when talking to her and others. Only remaining problem is that she's a college student and me? Well I'm a 21 year old college drop out only living for the weekend. So I had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. That's kind of when it hit me, I was just realizing everything I wanted to do, everything I desire to be. She didn't ask to help me in the way she did. Although I still do appreciate her for that, and I know she has seen the effort I have put into trying to win her affection. But in the end I know I can't force her, and I can't make her leave her boyfriend for a guy she's still not sure about. Funny thing is I after all these months of talking to her I still can't remember a significant feature on her face aside from her eyes, smile, bangs and glasses. I can really only remember the details from her life shes let me in on, such as her family, hobbies, preferences, work and school. I was never physically attracted to her, only to how she made me feel. Calm, happy and with a sense of purpose and direction, a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. I know I have to give her space at this point, we both need it. Especially if I want to at least maintain this "friendship" I forced. I know I'm young an time is on my side, so part of me only hopes that some distance down the road it can work out.
I’ve actually just finished production on a short film on this very topic. I became head over heels for a shy and really smart girl a grade above me in high school. She is still the most beautiful person I have personally ever seen in my life, seemingly perfect for me. And since my junior and senior year of high school was interrupted by covid, I couldn’t naturally avert my rejection from her towards other new pretty faces, I had to stay cooped at home and mull it all over. Well she became more perfect as time went on, and things got so obsessive I almost fell head over heels into a dark depression. I was able to see what was coming fortunately and emotionally redirect myself, but it was one of, if not the hardest point in my life getting over this fascination. I vowed to never get myself into such a mess of a mindset again; like you said, through adopting agency. I was so naive, insecure, and lacking of agency then, that the effect it had on me might very well forever leave some psychological scars. I almost don’t want to say that, as I just won’t let it breach my mental fortitude in such a way. But still to this day those old emotions linger in short intervals. Like vultures on a dead carcass, I shew them away, they come back after some time and pick at me again. Don’t let it happen to you kids! Get rejected, move your gaze elsewhere, put it behind you immediately. Only if they come crawling back to you should you give them your attention.
I've never even thought that "The Crush" was a well researched research topic before watching this video. I wish I had known about this last year. Last year could've been perfect for me if it weren't for the feeling of a crush. Cutting ties with them could've gone more smoothly if I had just thought rationally. I wouldn't have needed to leave them with a sense of guilt. I don't know what they're doing or thinking right now, hopefully just minding their own life and their own problems. I'm aware that they've been suffering enough and I feel guilty for adding more to that. But time has moved months since then and I've moved passed it as well. The longer I think back on it, the more I dwell on a time I can't change. I'll just go back to work instead.
In my case, I feel like my crush added more motivation in me, despite I knew for a fact that our relationship wouldn't go anywhere beyond that. I only realize this after changing workplace, where I become more preserved around others because sometimes it feels like "who am I even trying to impress anyway?"
Get 25% off Blinkist premium and enjoy 2 memberships for the price of 1! Start your 7-day free trial by clicking here or scanning the QR Code: www.blinkist.com/sisyphus
ok
Yo Sisyphus word on the block you been simping for Pokimane what's up with that
DUDE. Your voice is sick in a pacifying way, post more or any philosphy topics, maybe break down how a myth or story made you feel
In my humble opinion, you should TOTALLY GIVE exurb1a a watch, he is a FOUNTAIN of inspiration for me and if not atleast mildly entertaining things
Can you make a video on the parasocial phenomenon? I’d love to get your opinion on it and what to do to detach if you feel like you’re crossing that line
having crushes really sucks. it's basically not even my choice, it's my subconscious weirdo feelings. i feel vulnerable
I swear 😩 My crush said they liked me too and we saw each other for a short time then they said they wanted to be friends...out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming. And over text. That hurt even more. Currently, they asked for space...even though they suggested friendship -_- I really don't understand them. I thought they were different. I guess I dodged the proverbial bullet. I do commend them for communicating that with me but upset that they had been thinking about it for a while and then just randomly dropping that on me. Pain 😩
I used to have that feeling as well. But don't worry too much. Just be rational:
_Why do I have a crush on this girl?_
*Because my mind conceives her physique as beautiful and appealing to the senses, and therefore naturally and instinctively wants to possess it.*
Rationality trumps irrationality.
@@Epsilon-18I mean, that's kinda empty. What's the next step after asking that question?
@Person of Interest rationality usually only trumps irrationality if you're looking at it in a logical standpoint.
Emotions are not usually logical. I may only be speaking to myself here but I cannot just use logic to stop how I feel towards someone, especially if they are already a close friend to me. A lot of the problems that come with being obsessive with a crush can still occur even when you're conscious of the unhealthy effects that come with being obsessive. Perhaps it worked for you because you have a stronger sense of mental fortitude and control your emotions with a greater ease that I can.
Fr
Have you heard the parable about a man who searched the world to find the woman of his dreams? In short he journeyed all over the globe to finally find the woman of his dreams and when he explains this to her, she responds, “but you’re not the man of mine”.
Crushes can be quite the conundrum.
wow.
💀
guy like me would end it right then right there
And then he killed her
@@wigglypfff that took a dramatic turn quickly 🤣
This is quite interesting. If you find yourself constantly preoccupied with crush in mind, it could stem from a lack of intimacy in your life. This could also be a result of a fear of emotional closeness and vulnerability with others. If you fall into this category. Having a crush and daydreaming about a crush is sort of your minds way of meeting a need for intimacy without the nitty gritties.
I feel attacked. 😢
Why must you hurt me this way
mapanaket ah 😭
Damn...
Or you truly think that you are unattractive?
tip to talk to crushes: DON'T talk to them through text all the time. It's better to talk to them physically so you can connect with them more.
Mfs be like “go talk to her” I can’t bro she makes me nervous 💯💯💯
@@pigoman6566frfr they scare me
YES OMG THIS WAS THE REASON MY OLD RELATIONSHIP WAS RUINED- WE WOULD TEXT ALL THE TIME BUT SHE WOULD IGNORE ME IRL- I WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM AND I KNEW THAT WHAT WAS GOING ON WASNT RIGHT BUT TO ME IT WAS TOO LATE. I have learned my lesson now 😌
@@pigoman6566 i've struggled with the same every time i've had a crush, but recently my dad gave me some advice on this that made me rethink. He said that you will notice pretty quickly at the first meeting if there could be anything between you. It isn't really about what you say, but the energy that is there. You notice pretty quickly if the person seems interested/weirded out/bored etc. Think about it yourself, if the person you had a crush on came up to you, would you care about what she said to you? Probably you would just be happy that she came up to talk to you, even if she was a little awkward/nervous etc. right? Because you like her. Now if someone that you don't like came up to you and acted the same way, maybe you would instead find them weird. So I think that's actually a great way to see if someone is also interested in you. If you talk to her and you notice that she seems interested in you as well, despite what you have to say or if you're behaving a little awkward. If someone has a crush on you they won't care about that stuff as much usually.
I hope this makes sense, but yeah the best way to know how someone feels about you is to just talk to them (: (even if it's scary, but at least them you will know)
Okay but what topic do i start the conversation with? Its so terrifying and probably they will only ignore me or something
It seems as though the ones we crush on have traits that we may desire within ourselves. Realizing this feels nice
bro i js thought abt my crush rn and he literally has all the traits i want wtf 😭😭
That makes more sense actually… I was thinking about this so it’s nice to see it get confirmed
Ohhh, no wonder i saw a translation that i thought meant "crush" but the translation wrote "admiration"
as much as i want to say that that isn’t true for me, because i like person i am, i think there’s truth to this. i like how confident he is, how he doesn’t really have many people that dislike him, etc, etc
Yeppppppppp
It is funny how our crushes prosper in our dreams.
yeah somewhat
I SWEAR, just today i dreamt about him. it's terrifying tho, i developed a crush on him when i was like 4-5 and don't even think about him, ig my mind was trying to remind me that i'm still not over him 💀
God it's so annoying, she lives in my dreams rent free and I want her out
@@rylerenoblas8057 I literally dreamed of her for weeks continously 😁
yeah i dreamt of him recently
it was so nice
It is quite scary how well timed these videos are.
Edit: Why am I getting so many likes for stating the obvious? Is what I said really that original?
Damn straight
@@stratosphere2323 i've noticed that too
ifkr, a girl proposed to me on new years and now i find myself here binging through all the love videos Sisyphus has lmao. and now THIS
dude i’m sitting next to my classroom crush wish me luck
we're all in similar algorithms
ITS DIFFICULT IMAGINING SISYPHUS HAPPY THESE DAYS BRO HELP
lol u ok
lmao mood but also you good?
Meditate a little on that maybe?
It finally clicked what that phrase meant. It's genuinely hard to imagine him happy
Can't really do much via internet but what helped me last nov/dec was: being mindful that I am prone to periods of low mood, especially around exams and the colder months; remembering moments where it was easier being happy to remind myself that I can and I'm allowed to enjoy the small things in life, it was just harder in that moment; that inside me there's a vital core, and even if things around get murky my core is still there hidden, getting hungry, thirsty, tired and cold. When things got hard I at least could find joy and pride in taking care of it.
To be honest keeping these things in mind didn't always help me, sometimes it was simply too much. b
But I still think they are important, and I'm sharing them with you as much as I am reminding them to myself.
Hope this helps anyone reading this.
every time i have been involved in a crush, it's been unrequited. i've been on both sides and honestly they both suck. either you have to turn someone down and thus hurt their feelings (terrible experience if you already are friends/generally have a good view of them), or you're the one who has to deal with all the self-inflicted repercussions of a fantasy you made up in your own mind. there's no winning :')
Same here, man. Hopefully you find your soulmate and I wish you the best, but I think I've lost some hope for myself in terms of relationships. I wish you well, so don't give up.
@@getjinxed101 thank you, i appreciate the well wishes and i'm sorry to hear you're losing hope. it's not easy out here for sure-i got rejected again a few days ago lol-but try not to give up, your person could very well be out there somewhere and you just haven't found each other yet. as long as you're alive you've still got time, so keep up the hope yeah? i wish you the best too 🤝
@@WaterAirandZinc Thank you. Yeah, I'll keep trying to hold onto my hopes.
@@getjinxed101 man u will find happines,i sincerly wish u happy times
Turning people down is so tense, and asking someone out is even more tense. They're truly moments that completely change everything, and sometimes those changes add to the heartbreak. It really really sucks.
I love the reframing of a crush as something that you feel is lacking in yourself. Self care and improvement go so far. The right person will add what you never knew you needed instead of filling a void
@@officiallyjk420 I prefer to reframe it as a passing illness
I had a crush on a girl for years, we were good friends, but our friendship consisted merely of chatting online. I know it's cringy but I used to daydream about her. And since I was at the lowest point of my life at the time, she became my motivation to get out of it.
And at some point she started to show interest in me, so, when I realized that she was flirting and that she was probably into me it felt as if the doors of heaven had opened as if all my illusions and dreams could finally come true.
But quickly I had the shocking realization that my feelings were in fact not true love, but a desire to feel validated by that person I had over-idealized in my head for years. This made me feel terribly guilty as if I was betraying her for not being able to love her fully.
However, I took the courage to ask her out, and we had a few dates. "Oh, she's a real person after all, she's not a product of my imagination" That's what I thought every time I saw her. And then, after getting to know her in a real, physical, context I can say that I fell in love with her as she truly is.
But things were not going well, we were both very uncomfortable with each other's presence (not at all times, but more on a subconscious level), and neither of us had the courage to assert the problem and discuss it directly.
So, as I realized that I was losing her, I started to feel extremely anxious and disoriented. I was under so much stress that all of my insecurities that I was so desperately trying to hide, shouted in my face. At this point, it felt like all my fears were coming true.
I told her how I was feeling and then she simply rejected me lol XD. In the end, she was into me, but she didn't have the same level of commitment that I had, and I completely understand the reasons why.
Accepting the fact that all was lost was probably one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. And although it hurt me to the core of my soul, I felt a relief that I had never felt before, now I can finally be at peace with myself like all of my problems and my traumas are gone.
10/10 experience, would never do it again, but I learned tons of things about myself that otherwise, I would have ignored forever. Looking back I can see all of my mistakes, so I know can solve my future (or at least I hope so).
Would I date that girl again? Yes, I know that I could completely fall in love with her again, but I think that I could also fall in love with other people. And she has probably lost all respect for me so I know I have no chance.
Edit:
Ok so, after all this time I realized that I was feeling desperate to date her because months ago she had shared posts on Facebook about suicide. I never asked her directly about it because I was too scared to talk to her about such a sensitive topic, but many times I tried to speak about it with her without success.
I fell into the trap of "wanting to save her life", but in the process, I stopped treating her like a woman and I started to behave more like a therapist, and I caused a lot of trouble and confusion to her. She was trying to open my heart and I was trying to open a pandora's box. That's the reason why we were so uncomfortable at times, and why her rejection was at the same time so crushing and so relieving.
So, three months after she rejected me, I ran into her at the cinema by chance, and in a rush of adrenaline and raw courage I spoke to her. At first, she was mad at me because of how I made her feel (I had never seen her so angry before), and I apologized. Then I asked her about those Facebook posts and she was like "why didn't you ask me before? Those were simply memes", and to be honest after hearing those words I felt a huge relief. Then, we kept talking and I asked her if it was over, but she didn't give me closure.
So, once again I don't know how to feel about her. I'm happy that she's alright (that's all that matters to me right now), and I think it would be extremely disrespectful of me to keep pursuing a relationship. So, for now, I think it is wiser to let time dictate our fate.
Hope you're doing better now dog :^)
@@Akira-ue2jw much better, thanks
Wow this is very interesting, could you elaborate on the feeling uncomfortable with each other part?
@@bandav_lohengrin I realized that our personalities are way too similar. We are both the kind of person to put the needs of others first, and when we were together we both were trying to read each other's mind which was way to exhausting because neither of us wanted to take the lead role.
U write a lot...
Dude, I think you just saved me.
I've had (hopefully in past tense) a massive crush on one of my best friends for a while now. It has gotten really bad lately and I had a breakdown just yesterday. And then I watch your video, and recognize that I've been feeling exactly the way you described. When you said that the person being crushed on often times suffers more than the person having the crush, my heart sank. I would never want to hurt her, and I didn't realize that maybe I was.
I did indeed experience massive personal growth thanks to her, and that is exactly why I owe it to her to let her go.
Thank you so much for this wake up call, I sorely needed it.
We’re all different points in our lives. I’ve dated people different ages and everyone has gone through different things. Goes about life differently, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. But it’s like that. Just have to move forward and onto the next chapters.
Hey, that's character development mate! Well done, we're proud of you ❤️
I got to do the same
You seem like a very good and genuine person. :)
I've been in the same situation! I used to (hopefully in past tense lol) have a ginormous crush on one of my best friends. Due to certain reasons we couldn't talk anymore and that really drove me crazy.. i think there was a point when I nearly wrote him a letter saying "I'm never letting go of you" but soon afterwards I realised that is honestly a terrifying thing to say lol. Especially considering how we hadn't talked in about a month 💀so i came to my dang senses and tore up that letter for good. And like you've said, i also have had a ton of personal growth thanks to him, so i really owe it to him to let go. Although there are still some days when I ache for our friendship and it's sad I can never have that again.. keeping his comfort zone in mind. The best thing to do is nothing at all.
Hey so I want Sisyphus to know that he probably was a large chunk of pulling me out of being in a almost depression like state, the smooth jazz with the philosophy is just so nice to hear keep up the work
Although I can't really say his videos has the same effect on me, I still love his videos :)
Sisyphus has done exactly this. He gets it. He understands how boring things are. The way he speaks has so much personality but has no lack of content. Every video he posts makes me excited. A few months ago, I was severely underweight due to depression, living in my unfurnished apartment, crying in my bed endlessly. Today, I woke up and made some cereal, skateboarded to class, listened to music, and smiled a ton. I’m applying to adopt a kitten ATM, and I’m back to pursuing my degree.
Remember to always keep your head held high. This too shall pass. So here’s to brighter days. 🍻💯💯💙
@@superspartanman4480 That's the kind of thing a Spartan does. Keep fighting, have a great 2023 :)
Thank god you're no longer in an almost depression like state
"live is pretty boring without a crush" relatable
I’m just so tired. I don’t have crushes anymore. I don’t care who it is I just want to feel loved.
:(
keep going man, you never know
@@rockym.g.3827 🤨 What the monk doing
how's your life now
You got to love yourself for now boss, idk if I’m late to this or nah
How r things now?
Life kinda better without a crush, you don’t have to expect rejection
That's a sure way to never experience success.
You just can't let a crush linger. The longer you wait to make a move, the worse it gets. Unless of course they have an SO, which in that case probably better to just stay away once you catch feelings
Life is better without some kind of feeling that another person's attention or affection will "save you" somehow.
Life is also better without idolizing "heroes". Finding some inspiration is fine. Having an idol can become toxic.
@@bruno_kunda In reference to a crush, wouldn’t “success” just be reciprocated feelings?
@@joao3547 bro i literally cannot have crushes its immpossible for me its weird. i dont feel sad anyway tho
In my current situation, it’s a workplace crush. Over the past 4 months she caused me to get out of my shell, overcome my social anxiety, become better at managing my life, etc,. She literally is making me a better man. Yet at the same time i feel like it’s the “right person at the wrong time” situation. I can’t seem to get over her yet I feel like im not quite ready to pursue anything yet. I’m not the man I want to be yet, I still have to focus on my career, still so much to do. Most of all im worried that if I don’t do anything now, I might lose the chance of something potentially great. It’s a mental battle between love and logic. It’s frustrating to be in love…
F it! You won't be young forever. Confusion / ambiguity will never go away. It's OK. Thank me in 3 decades :)
Maybe you could simply tell her the things that you appreciate about her. Tell her that you are glad you met her because her influence has made you a better person. That might be an interesting conversation!
Hey man I'm no expert in this, but here's what I think:
You said you are not yet the man you want to be, so I assume you want to first become the best version of yourself, and then start a relationship with her.
It's good to have these self improvement goals, but it's about the journey and not the destination. I believe love is about sharing your life and goals with someone. If this woman already had such a positive effect in your life, then I don't see why you shouldn't try to start a relationship with her, to go on this journey together.
You may never even reach this goal of the "best verion of self", but it will be a lot easier (and more fun) with someone you love at your side.
Just my two cents, hope it helps.
Good luck
Work on yourself you'll be better off.
I have a similar issue with a crush at work. I have no idea what my boss will say now that I tried to pursue this person. Even though she has irrefutably made me a better person... it's turned into harassment through a text I sent her after she set a boundary sweetly.
My next course of action is to assess what my needs are, which needs aren't being met, find a new job, etc. She is not my solution.
Now I need to give her space. I hurt her by breaking her boundary. I hurt my workspace for my actions. I'm going to own up to it.
In the end of this chapter in my life, I can conclude she made me feel safe because I never had felt safe quite like she made me feel... That's kind of why it spawned in the first place. That's why my own personal growth started. Because I wanted that safety and gentleness in my own life, which I am happy to report I have achieved.
Plus my doctor said plainly: "You need to meet people outside on your own. That way you won't fall in love at work."
“Life is pretty boring without a crush”
Damn sis, you’re really gonna start this one of with a kick to the balls?
sis? it's clearly a guy
Crushes are the best. They motivate you to work on yourself they drive you to be better and become a better person. You just have to respect that the other person is an actual person and not an object of your fantasy. Be nice to them without needing their love back towards you. Appreciate the qualities that make you crush over them. Don't let your feelings explode out on them. Max you can do is check if they would be interested in hanging out or moving the relationship to a more romantic step. But never tell them you love them or that you want to spend your life with them. Be respectful of their individuality.
Remember yall, texting is for setting up time to see each other. It is nigh impossible to foster conversation and reciprocal feelings over text.
thats a bit hard to reciprocate bro
?
@@Psychalgia that’s not true at all, lots of people fall in love with someone they met online and and build a relationship
me n bro can hold conversations over text mad easily if there's no time to call or we in a busy place. you just gotta care about the person
@@atroposV honestly, i agree. opinion changed as ive texted sum ppl more. i still think you have to be careful not to overdo it when texting with crushes tho
Am I the only person who's never actually had any negative feelings during a crush? I've never felt depressed, obsessed, or anything like that - never had a strong feeling of longing - just being attracted to them and very happy that they were in my life regardless of whether they felt the same.
This is probably how crushes ideally should be
This sounds pretty healthy tbh, I’m genuinely happy for you
perhaps because you don’t expect things: you see your crush(es) as they are, no fantasies or what-ifs. that is something others don’t have, not even myself
Huh. Curious, how old are you and what's the longest you ever crushed on someone?
Me too. Very rarely has it been negative, and when it was, it was minor.
In high school my crush sat right next to me but I was absolutely terrified of her and was afraid to even look at her. I look back on it now and worry I haven't changed much since then. In any case, it takes a lot of courage to talk to someone you see as absolute perfection.
It was the other way around for me, he had a crush on me, but I didn't, although he has tried many times to make it obvious he liked me, and I'd be nice and friendly, I feel like if you had tried talking to her then maybe you mightve been friends, or rejected, but at least you tried
@@Gatozparty Makes sense, it's always the guys the have a crush in average-pretty girls in high school, lol! I also agree that he should have done anything. But tbh, If they were same class, I wouldn't do anything as well.
and makes me think that she's also a simple human when someone trashtalks her
That's so relatable 😭
Why so truee
Im convinced these videos are released just as I need them
ikr the timing is amazing
SAME wtff
having a crush on someone when you are young could be very important because it make us realize that we are truly deserve to be loved by someone 😇
Not really
Or quite the opposite depending on the outcome
hahaha, good one
Limerence! So that was the word I was looking for to explain my spontaneous, years-long obsession with my first crush! Thanks sisyphus! You described all the feelings I was having and the roller coaster of emotions I was being pestered by, all in just 12min 55 sec.
don't let yourself get tripped up by the pitfalls of unrequited love. don't let it discourage you either. if you truly made an effort and did the best you could to connect with your crush, and nothing's currently happening like you thought it would, give yrself some distance from the situation. rejection is life's method of redirection. either now's the wrong time and you two make it work later on, or you find someone even better. either way, nothing in life that is as important as love should be forced. love is meant to fall into place naturally. don't rush yrself, live in the moment and find grace and love in the moment you're in now :)
(this is me reminding myself as much as it is reminding you all lol. peace+luv)
thank you for sharing these words(: wishing you the best
When you say that life has it's own methods, you make sound life as if it would already have our destiny written.
@@KennyAMT tbh imo i think it’s less about fate being predestined as it is life having its own weird balance in a way. like you make yr own choices of course but they are informed by certain things that happen around you, and to me it all makes some sort of cosmic sense bc it’s based on human nature. i think both can exist tbh. life is full of complexes and paradoxes. but i could be wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
thank u
a month ago a friend of mine confessed to me and it honestly made me upset. he was the only one in my class that i actually had a lot in common with and i was glad i had someone to talk to about things no one in my class knows much about. basically, his confession shattered that comfort i had. as a girl, it's really hard to keep platonic relationships with guys and im just sick and tired of romantic emotions. i don't want to keep hurting people and ruining valued friendships. this video at least made me feel acknowledged and the amount of guilt that burdens you when rejecting someone, so thank you.
Lol I had the same but I was on the other side. And it also was a month ago
Actually, it's possible to maintain a good relationship, if both you and him are in the right state of mind
Source: happened with me
@@soumickdas9674 I aggree YOU must just keep moving foward
@@yourbroskijack I'm not just moving forward, my guy. Im insane, and this is where it shows.
I told her that i liked her a long ago, even while knowing she would reject me, my goal while telling that being to move on. Spoiler alert - I wasn't able to.
But we still remained very close friends.
So y'know what i did? The day before yesterday.
I went up to her, and said, "Look, y'know, I have liked you for a long time. YOU tell me how should I approach you."
@@soumickdas9674 I don THINK YOU INSANE in any way BRAH you loved someone wanted to closure and went for it when you LOVE LOVE someone it just don’t go away with ONE word love is love is very powerful but all wounds heal with TIME and I also don’t think why YOUU think it is insane to ask Her How should I APPROCH YOUUU
Funny, recently I got over a wild crush I had on this Colombian girl who was incredible at dancing. I’m really grateful I was self aware enough to realise “hey, this is a really good excuse to ride this wave productively and start learning Spanish and dancing so that either I can impress her or come out of it alone but with 2 new abilities!”
Turns out I just really like dancing and have fallen in love with Spanish because it’s a lovely language - she just happened to awaken those repressed desires🤷♂️
I try to use my crushes to learn skills/information as well, I'm like might as well grow as a person and get something out of the experience
Something like that is happening to me, as an Hispanic person this Dutch guy is making me wanna improve my Dutch + I’m getting even more interested into math. He’s admirable
Me with Japanese and my crush who is Japanese
its like that one meme of the dude who started baking bread to impress his crush but then actually found out he really loves baking
Did you get her?
you do so good at making me think, this isnt a video about seeking an answer so problems, but a guide to figuring them out myself, and im very thankful, helping me alot, all your videos.
thank you
Felt absolutely riddled with anxieties when my girlfriend was still just a crush. But when it works out it makes you unstoppable😎
I loved how you equal having a crush on someone to seeing that they have or provide something that we feel is missing in our lives. When I'm involved in anything romantic with someone what I appreciate most is the love and tenderness they show towards me, and I start to idealize the person because of that.
instructions unclear i am now serving 8 life sentences.
I am curious about #incel types who don't connect with this video in a useful/significant way: why not? What seems untrue or irrelevant about the content to you, which then enables keeping your incel frame of reference?
probably a joke
@@Pseudothink bro has never heard of a joke
@@Pseudothink i am curious why you wont #goaway
@@Pseudothink stfu
I ruined so many friendships by obsessing over crushes and disappearing when I got rejected. I'll always be sorry for my unhealthy relationship dynamics back then. Its hard to not build a fantasy in my head tho
That's fine. If you didn't felt the need to be in their friendship, then it was probably not that important to begin with. Don't worry, it's fine! Learn from your mistakes and move on!
Exactly
I get where you're coming from, but I'll say this: You don't owe people your friendship. It's perfectly okay to take a step back from people who don't reciprocate romantic feelings, it's probably the mentally healthy thing to do in most cases. Better to do that than lying to their face about your feelings for them.
BROOOOOOS AFTER 4 YEARS OF WAITING IM FINALLY DATING MY CRUSH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
YESSSS🔥🔥🔥
nice, i wish too...
how's it going
King!
Lucky...
I can totally relate to that feeling. I set up a business meet-up with someone I’d previously met at a dance event. The connection was easy and natural, and we even hugged at the end. A few days later, I messaged to see where things stood... but got no response.
fuck. it's true. limerence can ruin lives. i remember that one time i thought i was in love with someone only to realize that it has started to become an obsession. it can only mean that i wasn't ready, or emotionally developed enough, for it to be a healthy feeling.
Ngl, this comment may of saved me bro, preciate it 🙏
@@MinerBenny what happened?
As someone who has ADD, I often become hyper fixated on hobbies or topics. Only recently did I realize that this is also what is happening when I develop a crush. This “limerence” is what I experience almost every time, because I cannot stop my thoughts from running wild. Eventually, I get over my crush, and it’s all fine. But for a week, a month, or even more sometimes I’m just in agony…
@@BillSams-gj8ey who are you to tell me what I do and don’t feel and experience?
@@BillSams-gj8ey They literally do
Currently going through this 😢
This is happening to me right now, but with my best friend :/. It really sucks but please tell me if you know anyways to get over someone 🥲🥲
FRRRRRR i also have ADD and this couldn't be more accurate. usually for me it will be abt ~6 months, give or take, but i will be OBSESSSEDDDDD. like it gets soo bad, but then all of a sudden, within a week, ill be completely over them and view them as any other person. like make it make sense
I just dealt with admitting to my friends I have a crush then this pops up. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something
Ikr, my dad said to me few weeks ago (the context is too long but its kinda funny) that sometimes when nothing goes right, it could be a sign to fight for your objective and try harder, so dont give up because of your friends, just tank it and try, the worst that could happen is they dont like her which is fine. I have the same problem and i know my friends think that my crush isnt that pretty so its kinda akward to admit to them, but you gotta do it!
Yeah fr
or google spying on us idk lol
I have been suffering from limerence for a little over 8 months. I had no way to describe how I felt until I saw this video. I am just so shocked at how much I relate to everything said, after watching this multiple times I feel kind of free - I feel like my obsession is slowly fading. Thank you so incredibly much, I have felt stuck for so long. Sadly the qualities I were seeking in my LO aren't things I have the ability to control. Safety, Respect, Bond, Comfort, Love, Relatability. Afterall, I'm only a minor so I can't just leave home.
"Life is boring without a crush."
As an aromantic I find that this statement does not alleviate my perpetual boredom.
how fortunate you are
Because it's not supposed to?
4:30 "it (the crush) usually goes beyond the sexual, they compliment my lack at an ontological level" - I recommend watch and study the film Decision to Leave by Park Chan-wook, it explores this in a beautiful and symbolic way.
7:50 "There are few culture scripts to follow when it comes the person who’s being crushed on … who is object of love and simply cannot reciprocate is incredibly uncomfortable and awkward situation to be in" - I recommend watch the film 500 Days of Summer by Marc Webb, it explores this idea and shows her side of the story.
10:26 "Towards Authenticity" - I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, this helped to find meaning in life and being myself in the face of suffering
loved Decision to Leave!
@@Sisyphus55
"你説愛我的瞬間，你的愛就結束；你的愛結束瞬間，我的愛就開始了"
The symbolic nature between mountain and sea, the color contrast between the actors, such beautiful film
500 days of summer is simply the exploration of infatuation from the guy's perspective, not Summer's
@@zucc4764 Yea, story is told from Tom’s perspective but upon 2nd watch, I can’t help but notice Summer’s feelings. I sympathize with Tom because of his romanticism and I can see why her cynicism brings a lot of backlash from viewers. The film is not only about his infatuation or her cynicism but ask the question - "are we compatible?"
We can agree to disagree and I am simply pointing out Sisyphus’s words - sometimes the pursued suffer more because she/he can’t reciprocate those unrealistic expectations.
This reminds me Ernest Becker in his book Denial of Death once said
"..he fixed his urge to cosmic heroism onto another person in the form of a love object."
@@sean721888 You mentioned something about compatibility. Do core values play a role on that too? How do you perceive love? What does loving someone mean for you? Thanks for the first movie recommendation btw ^^
Right when we needed you, uh?
So basically. Long story short, a year and some time ago I met this girl at university, she already had a boyfriend, so our friendship just developed completely freely from any type of romantic pressure. But then they broke up, and at a certain point I just kind of noticed that I kept smiling while talking and chatting with her. So. You know. It developed into something else
And there are a lot of problems: first of all, I don’t want to ‘ruin’ the friendship. So, what I’ve been trying to do was dropping really subtle and small hints of my fucking love to her, but she seems to dodge everything lmao. I see nothing in her behavior that signals a reciprocated feeling.
Secondly, I don’t even know if this is true love or not. Just to put things in perspective, I’m a pretty lonely guy. Never had a relationship and whatnot. So I don’t know if I’m in love with this person because I like her, or just because my brain is playing a stupid trick on me and is trying to fall in love with the first person that gives him attention.
Because I swear, I don’t even know what I like about her personality, I just know that there’s that type of chemistry between us, but I can’t really pinpoint what I love about her, except for the silly experiences we’ve had together.
I don’t know man, love is so fucking stupid and irrational, what the fuck
painfully relatable
Can't have a single unique experience.
I'd say you've already "ruined" your friendship.
Even though my ego wouldn't allow me to confess things to others when they aren't showing feelings. I think you should just not regret what you're doing. Hopefully you don't wake up 3 years later going "damn I should've told her"
This is exactly how I ruined my relationship with my friend. We both were in different relationships when we first met so there was also no pressure and we both had those relationships end. After a year of being single I asked her out and she told me that she is not comfortable with it. It was not supposed to be a big deal but just as the video said, I feel like she felt bad after my confession and will not talk to me anymore. To this day, I’ve been contemplating the ethics of having a crush since I feel like I did a morally wrong thing with asking her out. But c’est la vie.
If you're not sure what exactly it is that you like about them, it could be that you just want to be closer to them - you have a need for closer interpersonal relationships and a crush is one way for your brain to address this
(Also, on the note of crushes ruining friendships: in high school most of my friends had unreciprocated crushes on each other at some point, and that didn't end any of our friendships. Sure, there's usually a period of awkwardness after the feelings are made known. But it's okay eventually! The crush subsides and you're still friends. I can understand how most people see it as the end, but my encounters with this situation contradicted that idea)
Profoundly insightful as always
Thanks for making these
did not expect to find you here lol
only 1 reply on a verified channel? that’s weird
No shot! I haven't seen Tanner in years!
I’ve never had a crush and doubt I ever will, but this is insightful to see how other people experience these things.
why do u thunk you’ll never have a crush
@@franciemitchell588 aro?
Lucky, wish I had what u had
Sisyphus, I just like to say thank you for showing me what I have been feeling for the past half of a year. I've been stuck on the same dumb person for many months that wasn't available from the start. It led me down a dark path that only recently have been getting out of and your video is helping me reach that goal of becoming better. I thought that no one else had felt the way I could have before this video. I done worrying about her, thank you.
I think it's funny how we talk so much about breaking up with an clearly "toxic" person ,but not about stopping to have a crush on someone like that.Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that you cannot change people who are unwilling to do so. I think it would be really helpful if there was more depiction of people having crushes on people who don't always treat them well and trying to stop that feeling than falling for them and "fixing" them in media.
Edit:
Sometimes people can have crushes on people that give them a bad feeling because of some bad or mixed signals they give off.From my experience ,these people with the so called “toxic” crushes are not usually taken seriously by their friends and family members and the most common piece of advice for them is to somehow “stop” liking them.However ,it can be as difficult to admit that you have such a crush and want to get over them/know why you developed those feelings as admitting that you are a pathological liar or something...I feel like “Toxic” people are often being so dehumanised due to their unpredictable and damaging behaviour that any act of empathy towards them is considered equivalent of aiding and abetting to their “crimes”.On that context , people with those crushes can be confused/ashamed about their feelings and even deny their obsession by mistaking it with empathy and curiosity about a so called “bad” person.My initial point was that it is not very easy to escape such a “harmful”/forbidden because of your previous morals obsession, even harder if there is any kind of reaction from the other.Actually when moving from the “toxic crush” to the “toxic relationship” phase you start to learn your lesson the hard way.
Anyways,sorry for the long comment.Because I’m speaking from experience the best things to do when dealing with such feelings is to :
1 Ask yourself(write it down for bonus points) why are you feeling this way on the first place.Try to make your answers as uncensored as possible.Maybe your crush has a trait that you would like to have ,or their behaviour is similar to someone else you really wanted their attention in the past (like parents, exe lovers and friends).
2 Tell a trustworthy person,trying to express your feelings in the most analytical way possible(not just for example “I fell for the bad guy”).You could also try therapy (I highly recommend this) for an expert’s opinion.
3 Act around him like you are taken.So,don’t overanalyse their behaviour ,avoid initiating conversations etc.
4 Always remember your worth isn’t measured by a random person’s opinion,let alone someone who has clearly some psychological issues .
That's a weird takeaway. What situation are you imagining here? Like someone leading a person on to get something out of them? In my experience that is extremely rare. If you are crushing on a garbage person, they will treat you like garbage because that's how they treat everyone. How exactly is it anyone else's fault but your own for allowing someone to treat you like crap when you have no relationship to start with?
Absolutely. I fell for a close friend who was initially fine but later turned toxic. In retrospect the toxicity was inevitable. He was clearly damaged goods, the red flags were so obvious but I was propelled I think both by a selfless want to see him become the better person I thought he could be and a selfish desire for him to become who I wanted him to be. Wish I could've learned not to invest so much in unworthy people as this is a pattern I'm beginning to repeat 😔
@@skeetsmcgrew3282 I don't think that's what they are getting at. I see the point to be a separation from the Crush and the person you have a crush on. wanting the person you have a crush on to live up to what your Crush intails is dangerous
Me rn
That's kind of fair. The first person I ever really truly loved in that way definitely became toxic and harmful towards me, sometimes on purpose. I did have to learn the hard way that it's not ok and not something I can just ignore until it gets better nor something that really will change, and I wouldn't be suprised if others had to learn that as well. It's a valuable lesson though, it teaches you what you truly think you deserve and brings out the worst in you. You can't really help the fall though, because if I could I never would've. I would've backed out the second I noticed the red flags, but it was too late for me by then lol
i think this is the first time in all my life ive ever actually been in love, but it feels so healthy to me. no obsessiveness, no anger, no doubt, no rough feelings, none of that. i really like this feeling. i like the butterflies and the way my heart beats fast and when my face gets red. i like the warmth being in love gives me. and i think its because ive found someone i actually WANT to be in love with. someone who likes me for who i am and i love them for who they are. i never really thought i'd feel it ever. but i like it. i really like it. i love how my face gets warm when i get complimented by them and how i trip over my words. i love when i flirt and they get embarrassed. i love them. sisyphus makes another banger video just when i needed it... he's like a mind reader or something.
update: looks like i have a boyfriend now :)
update update: im horribly sad to say we have broken up today. tomorrow would’ve been our 6 month anniversary. i’m extremely heartbroken, but i suppose that’s just how it is sometimes. thank you all for the kind replies, they were awesome to read. thank you all. :)
THIRD EDIT??: we still like each other. that much is obvious! we’re sorta just on the fence about dating i think but the flirting is fun !!!! it’s cute
Not much from an internet stranger but, happy for you. 😊
@@burp9609 thank you so much! i absolutely appreciate it! means a whole lot you took some time out of your day to reply kindly!! thank you again! :)
That was actually how I felt the first time I fall in "love". It makes sense cause you are pure and innocent about this topic. Glad it worked out for you!
@@godnyx117 thank you so much!!! :D
absolute W
My experience of this shaped my younger teenage years. I was obsessive about someone from the age of 12 til about 16 and the lack of control I felt around it had my mental health down the drain. I was a kid not being taken seriously; I really didn't even want to feel this way anymore, but my thoughts were entirely intrusive. I was enamoured by this crush I had developed in my head.
As I got into therapy it became pretty clear they were 1. Someone I wish I was. Healthy, social, adored, attractive. 2. A new distraction to keep me from having to feel real feelings. 3. An unhealthy reliance in my brain that no matter how shit my life was, I always had them to escape to. Which is so ironic, because majority of the time it was my number one source of stress and depression. 4. A manifestation of a child who was never taught boundaries, how to handle rejection, or what healthy coping mechanisms looked like.
I used to feel so much guilt and embarrassment for how those years played out. It's pretty crazy how someone's delusions can shift someone else's entire reality. I go through life a decade later, aware of my brain's habit to use crushes as an escape and search inwards when they start to approach being "attractive tools to help self actualise". So incredible to hear this perspective and nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for the video 🥹
real.
wow, im actually going through this rn as a 14 year old and honestly never told a soul bc im embarrassed since I've never had close relationships or experienced much affection so it feels weird and idk how to express it. ur points actually make a ton of sense and seem to fit what im experiencing, this was helpful and useful, thanks :)
This video made me sad but it was great. I don’t like pursuing because it has always ended in more emotional pain than I was in before. I’ve never understood those who would ask ppl out before having a crush on them. For me, if I go through with asking someone out its because I have thought abt it hundreds of times and I am certain that I want to be with them.
I usually am logical and have control over my emotions but when I like someone, I slowly start to lose that control and I always can tell it’s happening. My heart always wants to give it a try and risk the pain for potential happiness, but my brain never wants to risk it and is always trying to rationalize why it’s not worth pursuing, my brain uses humility, low confidence, and other tactics to try and control my actions but my heart has it’s own tactics it likes to use. It’s like a game of tug-of-war between my heart and my brain, and I’m just a prisoner of that war.
the truism in this video is crazy. I have self-control, for me crush is like a motivation for me to work out.
watching this feels like i set my morning alarm to my crush yelling "just give up". but thank you for supporting me in not giving up a great friendship for a crush that doesnt like me back. lets hope this doesnt backfire.
Woah, wait where did he say that? That is not the takeaway I got at all. If anything he suggested the exact opposite. If someone in your life is hurting you with unrequited love, you need to back off and work on yourself, since nobody can choose who they have feelings for
Well, think about how you'll feel when (cause it will happen for sure) your crush with someone else. Try to imagine it in your head and if it doesn't bother you, then it will not backfire.
I'm convinced that I'm being stalked with how well timed these uploads are
No kidding
As someone whos somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (I'm not completely aromantic as I've still fallen in love, it's just a lot harder for me and it feels different than how its portrayed in the mainstream), I always felt incredibly pressure and weirded out by other people experiencing fleeting crushes.
I've had people develop crushes towards me, and while I only ever realized their feelings after they had simmered away, I hated how guilty it made me feel for accidentally leading them on in some way or another without even noticing it.
I just found the whole idea of crushes generally nonsensical, especially the lengths I would see people go to "conquer" someone who didn't express any interest towards them, and I just couldn't get why people wouldn't just stop once they noticed the other person's disinterest. People saw love as more of a game, where if they managed to score up enough points, their crush would like them back. It all felt too rational, and so it was easy for me to fake crushes just so I wouldn't feel left out for not experiencing them.
I don't really know where I was really going with this, but I just felt compelled to share my own experience in regards to this topic, considering how differently I seem to approach romance and sexuality. Human beings are complicated, and love is even more complicated than any human can understand.
It's nice to see comments that brings up the aromantic spec into the conversation. I recently realized that I'm also on this spectrum. I've struggled for so long trying to differentiate platonic, romantic, and sexual feelings but only ever really acknowledging the platonic and sexual ones, thinking that something is wrong with me, but then i realized that's just how I am. A lot of the times I'd associate the "spark" of being sexualy attracted to someone as me having a crush on them, but when i realized that I don't know if i want to actually date them it made me realize my aromanticism even more. I had fallen in love a couple times, which i honestly don't even know if they were truly 'love' or not that i felt, but often times I'd feel guilty for not being able to romantically love them as much as they do me. Since it's almost like a fluctuation for me, sometimes it's there sometimes it's hardly there. And since it's hard for people around me to understand the concept of not being able or barely able to feel romantic feelings, most of the times people would undermine the fact that I'm aromantic and will just go for it, got their heart broken, and I'll feel a little bad for not being able to reciprocate. It's a very emotionally draining cycle. Recently I started developing a little feeling for one of my classmates, and I'm still having a hard time lol. I'm not sure how to deal with this intangible jumbled mess, I don't know for sure as to what exactly am i feeling and I don't want to drag them into this either.
It's nice to see someone on the aromantic spectrum sharing their perspective. As someone who's also on somewhere on that spectrum the only innate feeling I "feel" for someone is an aesthetic attraction. It's mostly when I'm out in public, I see "attractive" people so often I wonder if there's anything more. It could be just tunnel vision n I'm drawn to that person for extended period of time but other than that I don't see myself in an actual relationship. It's cool to think about (like movie clichés) but idk feelings are confusing lol
i really appreciate this comment. not in the spectrum but- my first and current crush is aro. ever since i started developing feelings for them, i've been looking into aromanticism. i have a p bad history with depression and 'choosing' my emotions by canceling them out with logical reasoning (including faking crushes) because of my inability to feel emotions at all, hence, i'm really surprised with myself and how strong my attraction is for said person but i think why i feel this way is exactly bc of the sudden transition i had to go through of feeling nothing to the point where i had to pretend, to feeling so much that sometimes i have no control over it. if i wanted to, i could've gotten over this crush sooner, but the fear of never being able to feel like this again stopped me. it's not until recently that my feelings have lessened that i'm finally in the right mind to think and i'm starting to realize that maybe i can apply my experience to understand aromanticism a bit better and get over this crush. i kept justifying my emotions by telling myself that i deserve this or it would harm nobody when in fact, it's probably harming me and the other person. asking them out, confessing, or getting them to reciprocate was never in the question even before i knew they were aro but i've probably been so obvious i can only imagine how they feel. uncomfortable? guilty? i'll never know but, i don't wanna risk it. i guess i really needed this video. i should probably start finding the perfect balance between my feelings and being rational. i just don't know if there's a balance at all, or for me at least. i forgot what i was going for too but this was a good vent lol
I really appreciate you bringing this up. I'm also on the aromantic spectrum and really resonate and relate to your experiences. I've also had people crush on me before and when they confessed, I never knew how to react. I too felt like I had unintentionally led them on and I always felt guilty that I would have to reject them and so, I always left them with an unclear answer and eventually, their feelings would fade, and I never really knew if I had liked them, but at the same time, if I did, I probably would've known.
I never understood those fleeting crushes either because when you're into someone, wouldn't you want to be with them for the long-term? Lots of people do tend to view relationships as a fling, and I honestly hate it because it shows how much commitment those people lack.
im stupid. whats aromantic?
Dangggggg I really needed to watch this. I’ve recently been developing a crush on someone I barely know but it was making me feel very sad because I didn’t feel good enough and I realize now that I really like their qualities and need to grow myself to where I want to be.
crushes suck a lot though. I feel like no one can ever confess to it, causing stress and just strait up obsession
every sisyphus video makes me rethink my life, but this one, this one hit me so hard.
after having experienced this exact feeling and emotional instability 3 weeks prior, i wish i had this video then to tell me what is happening. this video literally has opened my eyes so much i cant even start to show how thankful i am.. as i watched this video i was literally replaying everything that went on in my mind over the past month and every single thing added up.
i learned now about limerence. thankyou
I read this as: "Falling in love is the concentrated singularity of one's patheticness, meant to be overcome with the goal of self-actualization." Which I find is a one-dimensional view. Love has inherent worth, no matter what underlying psychological mechanisms it is accompanied, or maybe even caused by. The feeling itself is worth feeling, worth holding, and worth suffering for. If you or anyone is in pursuit of preventing suffering first and foremost, that is an acceptable, perhaps even noble way to live. But it is not the only way. In my opinion, loving someone unconditionally without forcing uncomfort onto them, and accepting everything that that stance entails for one's self, is one of the most honorable forms of existence. I'd rather be hopelessly optimistic than optimistically hopeless.
Then you read it wrong. I can see how this video might mislead some people into thinking that limerence and falling in love are one in the same. First off, love isn't even a well determined concept in psychology. I don't think there are any scientific measures to what true love is and I don't believe we'll find any. It's much easier to find what type of attachment can lead to a personal failing. Limerence is about obsession and desire characterized by the lack as said in the video. How about you, what is this "love" that you speak of? The way you're speaking about it, it sounds pretty far from limerence so I don't see how this video is one-dimensional. It speaks about what it speaks of, it's not to generalize all experiences of love as how you summed the video up.
@@canti7951 Okay, maybe it's me being inattentive, but I don't see a clear cut distinction between "limmerence" and "being in love". It seems to me as though limmerence is equated to falling in love in general, because the video is titled "so you have a crush" and it begins with Zizek's description of falling in love. Then it proceeds to seemlessly transition into limmerence, without clearly making distinctions between limmerence and what was talked about earlier. Maybe I'm wrong, I have only watched the video once.
I agree with that... To a certain extent. The concept of unconditional devotion to another can be equally reductive; there is the other extreme of the recipient being unappreciative of one's devotion entirely. While you likely weren't referring to self-sacrifice, let alone romanticizing that within a toxic relationship, the line should be drawn there as well. My takeaway was instead that it is okay to feel attraction towards someone, but that it shouldn't be twisted into overly high expectations that would be mutually detrimental if the recipient didn't feel the same way.
@@adhoclavaman I agree with you, if the person you have affection for does not appreciate your affection, and you still find yourself infatuated, then one must ask oneself some questions. But if there is some appreciative reciprication, even if it is not necessarily in the form of an eventual romantic relationship, it can still be a unique, valuable and satisfying journey.
@@inkarnator7717 I don't think you can call something "falling in love" if the other person doesn't agree that you are in a relationship at all. Maybe because it doesn't feel good to admit that a hard crush is sort of inherently pathetic. There is a certain emotional intimacy that is only obtainable through a mutually romantic relationship. If you develop "love" from afar, without their consent or knowledge, that constitutes limerance. Think of it this way: sex is consensual, r@pe is not, both are essentially the same act.
At 12:21, that little paragraph brought a subconscious pattern i have been mindlessly practicing into the foreground. I never thought of my crushes as holy beings, and i found myself, almost immediately, dissecting these feelings and ideals i have about said crush. I have come to the conclusion that there's a lot of work that needs to be done by myself, and that was the hardest part of the whole process of liking someone. I knew i never had the strength, nor the will to improve on myself and satisfy whatever it is that has been repressed. I ended up not doing anything at all, and fell into a pattern of dull routines. And for my whole life, i have only had two crushes ever and never did i even try to approach the person on both occasions. I knew that their affection wouldn't be enough, and i convinced myself of that to a point where i didn't even like the topic of love and thought it was naive. This continues till this day.
And it is a double-edged sword; you need to have some control over your infatuation without depriving yourself from it. You need the healthy balance. And as much as i hate the statement that i am about to say, it's nonetheless true: only you can truly help you, that is if you put in the effort and work.
I didn't do any of that, and instead, i just fell into a deeper hole of isolation and all that good stuff.
I am, however, patient. I always have been.
I think this whole essay i wrote is half venting, and the other half is me trying to point out the other side of the coin which is depriving yourself from it despite the desire you have to experience it.
Woah. That is eerily similar to my situation. Had the same 2 crushes but never asked them out, dissecting the feelings and ideals i had about them almost immediately almost like falling into a never ending rabbit hole. Falling into isolation and pattern of dull routines. Man does it feel like hell doesn’t it?
I’ve been patient with my situation for the past three years. I finally feel like I’m getting out of this rot. Its hard very hard to stay still and think as you fall behind due to the nature of entropy, on the other hand if you think in a specific manner/pattern you probably will rewire and hardcode the brain to think that way. Deadlocked.
Ohh well, as long as we preserve we’ll arrive there one day.
Wishing you the best. ❤
@@shlurpittyshlorpdip9862
Wow, i feel validated lmao.
It's hard indeed, but just like you got used to being alone, you can get used to being with others. I am happy you're doing better with yourself, stranger, and i wish you the best too. 💞
For me, having a crush is a Disaster
As an ace/aro person, I think this explanation was really useful! I’ve always had a hard time empathizing with those with a crush, and whenever someone tried to explain it, their answer tended to be very ambiguous and hard to follow. On the other hand, this video was very well explained and didn’t seem overly abstract. I honestly really liked the way you explained it, it was very intriguing!
My bestie is also aroace, she finds that difficult too, even when several guys confessed her love she couldn't feel the same at all. She discovered her orientation recently and in our group of friends we support her!
@@FlamerElBossoGangsteritoChito that's nice to hear! :) online, I get the feeling that very few people know or want to know about aromantic people, so I'm glad you and your friends were so casual and understanding about it.
It's not like aro folks can change anything about their brains so it's always such a shame when I see them met with mockery because others think they are just dumb or something.
Same here. I can't believe that this is how allo ppl are really living. 🤣
watching this feels so crazy to me
You wouldn’t want crushes. Be happy with your ace or aro sexuality. I wish I could be more like you.
I needed this right now. Got rejected about a week ago, and was made to, as you so eloquently put it "reevaluate my life and the world around me". thank you!
I had to watch the video twice because I got too caught up in the incredibly pretty guitar rendition of Fly Me to the Moon lol
Wow.
I had to watch this in parts because it definitely dumped a load of realization on me.
I’ve suffered some trauma as a kid, but I never really knew just how much it really affected me in the present. I really only thought it manifested itself in my anger issues, violent tendencies, occasional intrusive thoughts, and moodiness, but this video really showed me that trauma kind of affects your entire fucking being…
I’ve always been an extremely obsessive person too. I always wondered why I’d become obsessed with these girls to the point that it was all I thought about, to the point of extreme mood swings and self harm and anxiety, even if I didn’t want to admit that all of those were caused by my strange infatuation with the person. Which I mean, it’s not; it’s me - well, that was something I always knew. What I didn’t realize was that it’s not me; it’s my trauma.
I’m slowly starting to pick apart the pieces of my childhood development and how that impacts everything I am and everything I do.
Last year was definitely the worst of it, but this year has been a lot better. I’m actually starting to love myself I think. I’m beginning to feel more comfortable. I actually have a crush on someone right now, and they like me back. I’ve been really confused and apprehensive about it, but I think this video convinced me to pursue it. They’re not perfect; they only check off half of my checkboxes, yet I still really like them. I’m trying to figure out what it is about them that allures me, what they mean in my life, because I never would’ve expected to like them like this. I guess I just I’m just not used to having a healthy infatuation with someone.
The Last quote struck me... All in all, whatever you do in life, whatever you fail at doing, you really need to face your problems and ask them, ask yourself , and solve them, little by little, you will find the answer, with some patience throughout the process... Limerence or crushing on someone is one of them, you realize you overexagerate your desired vision or version of them in your head, even while you're with them, everything you can make an excuse out of it, it really takes to stop there and ask yourself until you find the optimal answer, is to be ethical and honest with yourself, and with others, you will find the real you at the end.
thank you, these videos are helping me understand myself a lot better than any CBT session has.
I have gotten over a crush in the past - it was some of the most difficult times I've had, but after it all I know I came out a more mature person. Now it's happening again, and somehow from the moment I realized it, I had made up my mind that I'll just push through this one as well, and just relax until the next one hits me.
I've always been shut off and kept to myself, maybe these intense crushes are a way of my subconscious telling me that something needs to be let out.
What a well-timed video. Thanks, and good luck to everyone lmao
I believe in your random stranger! Stay strong, you can do it!
This came at the perfect time. I recently confessed to a girl I've liked for 4 years and had trouble getting over the rejection. Although i tried sleeping around, no contact, keeping myself busy, and following "self-love" advice from a couple of friends , the thoughts of her and the rejection would still linger and hit at the most random times (even when I was with other people). This really helps rationalize everything and helps me cope better. Thanks man
I hope you'll feel better soon my guy:)
Blimey, I feel more terrified and scared of hearing these psychological phenomena and relating them in some way than any other horror movies I've watched for the past 15 years.
Real right? In adulthood I just don't care about horror movies any more because real life itself is so scary and emotionally overwhelming (while being fascinating and beautiful at the same time).
3:01 i actually had to stop the video here because when i paused this and really took it in i started crying and had to process the profundity of this
This video showed up at the right time. Such a good video, I was so surprised that there was a word explaining how I feel sometimes, "Limerence". I never got to the point of stalking and I think I can get over them(crushes) quickly but in the middle of the process, even if it's fast, I do feel very anxious all the time, and get some mood swings when I'm starting to talk and meet with them. It's been easier and easier managing these feelings over some time, but in the beginning I always felt sick to my stomach because of the anxiety. Great video and it made me feel alot better knowing I'm not the only one(this is obvious but still) going through these situations! Loved the chill music too! Keep it up!
I once had a crush a day before travelling somewhere. I barely knew them but I couldn't stop thinking about them. After two weeks, I came back and saw that person again. I felt pretty disappointed by the fact that they were a pretty normal person and not who I had imagined them to be. After a while, I started to feel bad when I realised that of course they weren't gonna be who I had expected them to be.
Just a story that I thought was worth sharing.
How did you get over it?
@@taylorpreston8502 feeling guilty made me motivated to stop having a crush on that person, but if I'm being honest it slowly dissipated with time.
Interesting video, as always. I think that the only crush worth pursuing absolutely is that of the love of life itself. If you manage to fuel it, it'll never betray you. For as long you live 🤗
Your timing of videos with what’s happening in my life seem to perfect
@Jonathan Kuminga I got a crush on your mom
This video really helped me feel good about the way I deal with things. Typically I will wait one month after I start developing these feelings to make sure It is how I feel and take the month as an opportunity to have fun with them as friends before I decide to confess (It would be weird to get a confession from a stranger so I just try to be a good friend). During the confession I try to make it as chill as possible for them, simply explaining what things I admire the most about them and trying to repeatedly reinforce the Idea that if they don't feel the same way they can say it plain and simple because I'm good with rejection. I do everything in my power to make it easy for them to feel as comfortable as can be If they don't like me back. Everyone in my life has told me that I should pursue more because its more romantic, but for now I think I want to hold back and learn from my experiences first before diving in to deep.
This video has to be one of the most profound and introspective pieces of media I have ever consumed. It truly helped me get the "push" I needed to move on, and that last line on the most ethical way to approach your self growth is key. I have always tried to look at things in a rational, logical way, and that is just the thing I needed to blow away the mist clouding my judgement.
This video literally came out as I needed it to and it made me understand things about myself I didn't know or refused to face. Thank you Sisyphus for your oddly well timed video
Not even a minute in and your writing is already superb.
I was just thinking about which person I should have a crush on in my class while I was lying down on my bed so this video was perfect timing.
After finishing the video, I am very grateful for the advice and I will try not to be obsessed and have high expectations of them being able to reciprocate my feelings. 😁
you cant choose it
@@npc4416 Was just gonna reply that lmao, usually you don't just go through a list and be like "yeah maybe might have a crush on this guy" it just happens, might be the first time you see em, it might develop over the course of a week. But the thing that sucks is that you never choose em.
I remember going over lists of people in order to pick a crush
Turns out I was just aromantic
What a whiplash that was
@@kingdewb6692 yeah I often had some kind of decision-making involved when it came to developing crushes, but I'm prolly just a lil bit lovequeer and neuroqueer lol
Literally going through unrequited love and couldn’t find help anywhere and this popped up thank you!!!
There nothing wrong with having a crush. The problem is in letting those dreams fester in inaction. It’s only when you get rejected or let go yet still romantically hold on to them after months, or even years, that it becomes unhealthy.
I have never had a crush, and I wouldn't say my life or other aromantic people's life being boring
"sometimes these crushes extend beyond all rationality"
0:20 747 my beloved
Avgeek gang rise up!
I was once the "crush" of a classmate. Being a new kid at a school that started the year off with virtual classes, I decided to lay low until the time comes for me to socialize. Yet I had been invited to several virtual and in-person activities with my new classmates, although in each event one person consistently attended and tried to talk to me. We didn't have much in common, and my attraction to men is less compared to other genders. I didn't really understand what he was trying to do until my new friends from said class asked me about him and if I liked him. I was scared, were they just my friends because they wanted me to be with this guy? If I said no would I be alone again? I left it open ended because I was an insecure recent teen, and it's a regret I hold still. Thus his persistence made me uncomfortable in the entire sense of the word. Not only would they (the friend group) purposefully invite me to events and cancel for us two to be alone, but locked us in a room once. He confessed, scared again, I left it open ended.
Finally, at a birthday party, he asked if I could give him a chance. Saying that he has changed for the good since he met me, that he left his "bad boy" life, that he loves himself since I gave him advice, etc. I remember he even spoke to my mom and sister about me (which got me in trouble), I got really pissed off at that point and told him that I was not interested. I could've said it in a nicer way but I just wanted to be left alone. From there, the class considered me rude and a heartbreaker because I rejected him. I'll admit that I hurt him due to my immaturity in handling conflict but resorting to lengths that he committed made me resent him. I don't talk to much of that friend group nowadays but I'm happy that I'm not a crush anymore.
Watching this at a crucial moment of my life, thank you so much for this video and everything you do on this channel. Love from Ireland 🇮🇪❤️
Since I fell for my first crush 2 years ago, ive never seen any other girl interesting, only her. I didnt know why because I knew she is not that perfect, till I saw this video, and now i understand it.
When I met her (in one of my lowest points of my life), after some months of talking, I felt in love, i confessed and got "soft" rejected, she wasnt very clear, cause she was maybe trying to not hurt me, but by doing that made keeping my hope still alive.
After that we stopped talking for like a year and still in that time I couldnt move on. So, a year passed by, we started talking again and the feeling of "Limerence" kicked in, (or never left me), cause i was, again, with my acts UNCONSCIOUSLY trying to convince that im the one for her, and thats like.. having the neediness of being reciprocated in love. Literally the definition of Limerence.
Watching this video made my eyes open up that I wasnt really in love with her, I was just obsessed. I hope that now I can move on finally, im maybe telling this feeling this to her, she will get mad, but its the truth... and I like being honest.
i heard the music at 0:57 and thought i had Dankpods playing in another tab
The airport terminal thing really hits home. One of the most memorable crushes I've ever had was on this drop-dead gorgeous TSA security officer at LAX back in 2014. I still dream of her.
Developing a crush on someone in ways is a clear indication that the person needs to have a better relationship with themselves and their social peers. The question, however, still remains: Is the person supposed to approach their crush with a romantic incentive or not?
I would say approach, but only once and within a few days of meeting the person at most. If they reject you, even softly (ie, I want to get to know you better) then take that as complete rejection. If you then have the ability to move on from romantic desire, then you can attempt to be friends if you want. I know my highschool crush (my first and only real crush to date) used that exact line on me, which I think she meant to softly say no but actually was leading me on. If the crush agrees, then you can try to see their actual character in a romantic relationship and whether you truly like them or just the fantasy you had of them in your head. If you find out you don't really like them you need to immediately break it off, followed by a period of retrospection exploring why you were attracted to them in the first place (though I would reccomend this regardless it's most important here). If you do both actually like eachother that's great, the only thing you need to do is really avoid toxic dependency.
Thank you for explaining the difference between crush and limerence. Crush is okay so long as you can still move on in life with whomever else you may develop a crush for and/or if your crush moves on in life. But, also important that if you gain your target's desires, you don't have expecations that they match the idea you made of them... Thanks for all that.
As someone with deep attachment issues and falling into “crush” scenarios (mostly awkward even tho I’m attractive), I needed to hear this.
The first time I really had a crush on somebody I went through almost all these motions of being obsessed, being rejected, being more obsessed because it was sugarcoated, and finally growing from it. I look back at the experience and cringe, although it was an important experience for me to go through. Yes, it brought me to some of the darkest points of my life, pits that I’m still working on clawing myself up and out of, but it also made me realize who I am. I’d rather be me and depressed than be nobody and not feel anything.
Now, these feelings I felt for that girl are returning for another girl I’ve just met. There’s again an excitement and some sort of joy, but now I’m also just worried that I’m going to do the same things over and get it all wrong again. But I think now that I can admit to myself that I was a stalker and a manipulator, and now that I’ve recognized through therapy that a huge source of my feelings is my turbulent childhood, I can do it right this time. I can respect boundaries now that I know I’ve broken them before, respect her now that I know people are more than just objects of desire, respect myself now that I know that I ought to be the most important thing in my own life.
I don't think Limerence is limited to having a crush. I'm friends with a couple and in the past i got the suggestion that they wanted to have an intimate experience with me. I was single, so I loved that idea, and cherished the idea of being special in the eyes of another, even when i had no romantic feeling towards either the girl or the guy. When they ended up doing it with someone else, i felt incredibly rejected and realized i had deep personal issues with rejection and feelings of loneliness and inferiority.
Turned out the couple, especially the guy, was afraid i would develop feelings for him. In this sense, they feared of becoming an Limerence Object. It was a big disillusioning for me and i very much try to grow from this experience, to become more mature and face the deeper needs i apparently miss in my life.
Sooo.... They were correct? You probably would have developed feelings? Interesting that you felt rejected for something that was entirely true. They were rejecting you precisely because you weren't a good match for meaningless sex
@@skeetsmcgrew3282 I think our friend here has already recognized this
@@skeetsmcgrew3282 No, they were not correct. I felt rejected as a friend, not as a potential lover. I came to the conclusion I needed more than meaningless sex, even though any engagement with that couple would not give me what i wanted. The interesting part was indeed that I was aware of this and understood it. I guess I was hoping that even though it would have meant nothing sexually or romantically that it would still give me intense satisfaction and meaning in life, as the Sisyphus describes in the video.
@@Counterfearable I assure you it would not have made you feel fulfilled. Just confused.
@@skeetsmcgrew3282 Yes, I know. It was said in the video, also.
This video was pretty helpful at explaining at least the last 7 - 8 months of my life. An obsession with a girl who felt shy but authentic. A little like me at the time I suppose.
At the time I wasn't even sure I liked her but after a few chats with her I thought it would be worth the shot so I asked her for her number in an attempt to get to know her better and there she told me she had a boyfriend. I didn't want to make her upset and having faced worst rejections before, I wished her well with a smile on my face and left.
Yeah I was heartbroken for about a week until I next saw her and I don't know what I saw in her eyes but she seemed happy to see me. My fear of rejection and I suppose my pride kept me distant and prevented me from talking to her but I was confused. To me it seemed like she wanted to be around me, waiting for me to talk to her. Prior to even getting to this point I had already decided that if she did turn me down, that I'd do the mature thing at least strive for her friendship.
However after seeing her expression and somehow convincing myself that this was a test I still had a shot if I tried and gave it some more time, I began working on myself. Mentally and physically, I just wanted to be better, for her more than myself. I sucked up my pride and kept talking to her after that even if I was a little shaky at times. Lost weight (60 pounds down from 200), worked out, took better care of my skin, attempted different clothing styles, focused more on my personal interests as well as some of hers. After a few months she warmed up to me a bit.
All of this helped my self-esteem and made me more open and confident when talking to her and others. Only remaining problem is that she's a college student and me? Well I'm a 21 year old college drop out only living for the weekend. So I had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
That's kind of when it hit me, I was just realizing everything I wanted to do, everything I desire to be. She didn't ask to help me in the way she did. Although I still do appreciate her for that, and I know she has seen the effort I have put into trying to win her affection. But in the end I know I can't force her, and I can't make her leave her boyfriend for a guy she's still not sure about.
Funny thing is I after all these months of talking to her I still can't remember a significant feature on her face aside from her eyes, smile, bangs and glasses. I can really only remember the details from her life shes let me in on, such as her family, hobbies, preferences, work and school. I was never physically attracted to her, only to how she made me feel. Calm, happy and with a sense of purpose and direction, a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time.
I know I have to give her space at this point, we both need it. Especially if I want to at least maintain this "friendship" I forced. I know I'm young an time is on my side, so part of me only hopes that some distance down the road it can work out.
Yeah, I still don't know what to do next time it happens.
It's bad when they don't respond, but it's worse when they do.
I’ve actually just finished production on a short film on this very topic. I became head over heels for a shy and really smart girl a grade above me in high school. She is still the most beautiful person I have personally ever seen in my life, seemingly perfect for me. And since my junior and senior year of high school was interrupted by covid, I couldn’t naturally avert my rejection from her towards other new pretty faces, I had to stay cooped at home and mull it all over. Well she became more perfect as time went on, and things got so obsessive I almost fell head over heels into a dark depression. I was able to see what was coming fortunately and emotionally redirect myself, but it was one of, if not the hardest point in my life getting over this fascination. I vowed to never get myself into such a mess of a mindset again; like you said, through adopting agency. I was so naive, insecure, and lacking of agency then, that the effect it had on me might very well forever leave some psychological scars. I almost don’t want to say that, as I just won’t let it breach my mental fortitude in such a way. But still to this day those old emotions linger in short intervals. Like vultures on a dead carcass, I shew them away, they come back after some time and pick at me again. Don’t let it happen to you kids! Get rejected, move your gaze elsewhere, put it behind you immediately. Only if they come crawling back to you should you give them your attention.
this came out at the perfect time.
I've never even thought that "The Crush" was a well researched research topic before watching this video. I wish I had known about this last year. Last year could've been perfect for me if it weren't for the feeling of a crush. Cutting ties with them could've gone more smoothly if I had just thought rationally. I wouldn't have needed to leave them with a sense of guilt. I don't know what they're doing or thinking right now, hopefully just minding their own life and their own problems. I'm aware that they've been suffering enough and I feel guilty for adding more to that. But time has moved months since then and I've moved passed it as well. The longer I think back on it, the more I dwell on a time I can't change. I'll just go back to work instead.
My guy you just shed a light in a (not so) dark and difficult moment in my life, thank you so much 💖
In my case, I feel like my crush added more motivation in me, despite I knew for a fact that our relationship wouldn't go anywhere beyond that. I only realize this after changing workplace, where I become more preserved around others because sometimes it feels like "who am I even trying to impress anyway?"