*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's similar to mine, and how learning this stuff led to me closing that specific chapter of my life. In a way it gave me answers to questions I thought would never find answers to. PS I get the impression that you like to be concise in your videos, perhaps to be respectful of peoples time (I know I do that) but if I can speak for us all, given that we're all hear to hear what you have to share. Please elaborate however much you need if you feel inclined to. You really have great things to share!
I still struggle with accepting that it was emotional abuse.I always saw myself as a strong independent person I never thought I would let someone take advantage of me like that for so many years.
MJ L Same here. It's hard to wrap one's head around though best to not even try because we certainly will go crazy. I look at it as we love hard and got slammed by others that envy that. The emotional abuse, as subtle as it begins, is real. One day at a time.
Mine says he's so in love and wants me back, is hopeful for us, offers to help me with anything.... love bombing. Its all fake but he might believe his own BS. Hes just not capable of adult love, compassion or change.
NoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContact (The 1st months are hell...after a year you'll be mad at yourself for not doing it years earlier. You'll be reborn, and that is no exxageration).
@ You Can’t Leave This Empty. They know, he’s a liar. My ex could remember that I didn’t wipe the dogs paws when I let him in during the middle of the discard argument but she couldn’t remember a thing about the the argument. Selective memory? I don’t think so, just another manipulation and lie.
@@scottp2462 if it is shameful and negative; especially a flaw of them, it never happened because it was all your fault. I had done that to them a few times as a retaliatory measure and it felt disgusting. I felt I was less than nothing in their eyes no matter what i tried to do or explain why.
Great insight! Some coins dropped after I read your comment. Thanks for that! I think this very specific issue deserves a video. Maybe, after all, we are only looking for a rational closure that will never come? “I don’t love you anymore” seems to be better than nothing. But that is only for real people who actually know what love is.
IKR, It’s a continuum that keeps going on and on and on It’s a love/hate push pull relationship that is on again off again forever until one of you keep that door closed and nailed shut 💪🏼
RshackTravels 7 months and I’ve made it over the hump. No closure from her. I don’t need it anymore. I don’t need an apology. Living well is the best way to to get over it. It’s not an instant fix, but it’s well worth it. My narc has backed her self into a comer because of her blind stubbornness, and lack of self awareness. It’s a beautiful thing to watch from a distance. I think she has finally realised she’s screwed. She wanted to meet me for coffee to talk about our options regarding the house. I told her I don’t want coffee, I have no need to talk to her face to face. I also told her she has no options with the house. I’m paying her out and keeping the house. She tried to screw me and it didn’t work. Now she expects me to help her financially. She only wanted to see me so she could manipulate and pull at my heart strings. These people have no shame, not guilt, they are emotionless. It’s astonishing. I just need to weather the storm of shit flinging I’m going to get from her and her family and friends for not giving her everything she wants. I’m ready to take it on alone. I don’t need approval from anyone anymore. I take care of me and my kids. That’s it. I’m getting stronger and more confident in myself through this. This is exactly what I needed. Bring it on!!
And they will push for friendship. DON'T DO IT.... Narcs never never own anything. They will never admit anything because they are right and you are wrong. End of story. Seek peace in yourself. Think of them like a 3 year old.
zenzabar's Space Hit that nail on the head! They always want to be friends. I’m told it’s because if you’re friends you’re also prospective supply again in the future.
if they act like a 3 years old treat them like they are a actor you watching on tv not someone you can talk with face to face something i learned/expriced for myself a bit of shyicgoly goes a long way for you to be happy/true to yourself and know how to deal with this narc personilty disoder if they ask you a qussion when still normail just yes i heard you if they are acting strang without be voilce just yelling at you for no good reasons/gaslighting just say to them im sorry you feel this way will talk later when come down and try to remove yourself before they blow up/get voilce if they trying to punish you for something narc did by you giving slience treatment give them what they wnt and use slient treatment by block them on facebook real phone numbers narcs home adderss don't bother with just go no conett it will closer if they try to hared to hover you stalking you by using their friends block them at ever turn by geting police on you side like some like personily restraton oder so you don't have hear from them
The closure provided by my narc was silence, as if I never really existed. She just left one day saying “I love you. Talk to you tomorrow” and never talked to me again. No explanations. Nothing. I spent the last 4 months trying to understand it. Tried to talk to her. No answer. Nothing. The closure I created for myself is the actual closure we all need to understand: I was dealing for 4 years with a sick person. And although I am not completely over it yet, every day it gets better. Narcs are the devil in disguise. Period.
Just understanding more about narcissism has helped to bring the closure needed and move on. Things will never fully make sense and I can accept that. I think it will always be sad but I have hope for the future. Thank you
Janis Gaines I totally agree that learning about narcissism is enough for closure, along with healing work. I wouldn't trust a narcissistic person to give genuine closure anyway! I managed to stop all contact with my last highly narcissistic "partner" a long time ago and have no interest in seeing him again; however, I'm still having trouble with my family members, especially my daughter, who was raised by adoptive parents. ❤
That is EXACTLY it! They may not intentionally hurt you with their actions, they just don't care if they do. Over and over and over again. Same scenarios, different people.
I spent 20 years trying to fix “it” I didn’t even know what it was. She destroyed our kid’s childhood with her drinking and blaming and abusive narc behaviour. She is constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself. It’s the most bizarre thing to go through with these people. All conversations lead back to blaming me. It’s hard not to be angry. I’m getting there. No contact. They thrive on the drama. Starve them of what they need.
So true sounds like my boyfriends ex they love it ur so right thanks u have actually given me the closure I neeed the women one are worse in that way she is victim Marty and mine is still 17. Emotionally and he's like 35
Same here. Right after a luxury two week trip to Europe he took me on where he asked if I wanted to spend my life with him and it seemed like we would marry, we went to dinner and had a nice night with plans for next weekend and trips planned. He called the next day enraged and said it was over bc he felt disrespected (made up out of nothing) and never talked to me again other than a few curt texts. It’s been two weeks. These videos have been very validating and helpful but pain is real
Thank You For Sharing I Wasted 6 Years Of My Life Chasing The Narcissists Wanting This Persons Acceptance. I Have Never Received This Only Getting More Abuse And The Silent Treatment This Person Has Been Punishing Me On And Off For Over 6 Yrs There Abuse Never Stops It Only Gets Worse.
Too true, everytime they manipulate us back to them the less they respect us. We just don't know it yet. So, gives them more reasons to do worse and worse. Them finding satisfaction of duping us... until they find no more fun from that. Then a snub of anything you ever did for them and then treated with cold indifference while they groom another to get that thrill of the chase and idolization they crave but know never lasts. Crying and trying for something we thought was there. They're not searching for stability and comfort but that constant excitement. Then we are left a shell of our former selves. Them treating us like we never existed. Them hoping they stripped of anything useful and left joyless. Hoping we take ourselves out of the equation to either prove their stories of how damaged we were or so they don't ever have to be reminded of the inconvenience.
take responilty for your own behaviour by staing no connett if your withor arund them just prented you are watching a actor on tv and just act booard around if the y blame shitft something they did if they feel shame act crazy yelling at you for no good reason just calm yourself down act like don't understand what they saying to you reverse it on them by say sorry you feel like this we will talk latter when you come down and try to remove yourself before they become voilce narc lost the their fake personilty
Wow, this video has really opened my eyes, it clicked, it made sense out of my scrambled brain. I have been through countless break ups with this person. The first 6 months were great, the next year and a half one wild roller coaster ride with her. And yes I accept my share of the blame, I'm not perfect and I know it. Any communication though is completely one sided and all about her. I've been very open about my faults and mistakes but it never seemed to matter, she would always turn it back to her by changing the focus. I never felt heard. I believe I was doing my on hoovering so to speak, I was starting to think that I was the narcissist. I was always going back, trying to make it right. I now think that what was happening is that I've been trying to find closure. Closure from her, but instead get love bombed, then gaslighted, then discarded. Then the whole cycle repeats it self. Three days in a row now I have watch this video and things in my head have gotten clearer each time, it now makes so much sense. Thank you so much.
Recognizing *your former narc will continue being a narc after you're gone, never again ruminating about them,* AND *developing new friends and hobbies* gives you the closure you'll never get from *them* 😋😁😅🙌🏾
Closure for me was finding out that he was a covert narcissist. I knew that something with him was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I stumbled upon one of your videos ❤️
14 year “relationship” ended because he didn’t get his way one day over a year prior🙄 Absolutely insane! His discard was actually the best gift he ever gave me👍🏽
@@vesnalukic9877 what can I say..... I was the forever optimist thinking the good guy would one day return as he would show me glimmers of that person intermittently. My kids kept me strong and in the end.....peace and contentment. 😘❤️
So many people waste years of their life, trying to get closure. It's NOT possible to get closure from a narcissist. When the relationship ends you will not get a closure from a narcissist. You will have to find it for yourself. 3 reasons why it's impossible: 1. The relationship itself and its sudden end is completely ILLOGICAL in itself. When it ends they seem to have become much COLDER than before. Since you can't wrap your head around it, you hope they will come to their senses and come back. Also, having been in this narcissistic dynamic, knowing the phases (loving, devaluing, discarding, hoovering), you almost expect them to come back. Even if you're ready to end it, expecting them to come back will make it hard. 2. You are expecting them to take RESPONSIBILITY/BE ACCOUNTABLE (admit they lied, cheated, never loved you, don't know what love is at all and stop the GASLIGHTING). Accountability would give you the closure and help you move on. But they are unable to do it and will avoid it at all costs. 3. CLOSURE is your ability to reconcile what happened in the relationship, so that it makes some sense. You can not get it from them because they don't operate from the same logic that we do. You never were able to talk some sense into them. When they were gaslighting you, you wanted them to understand logic, but they didn't. You will be doubting yourself a lot, Usually these relationships end for something very TRIVIAL. (E.g. after being 2 years in a relationship they suddenly start to like/idolize a different color of hair. They might devalue/discard/break up for that reason). You will not believe them because nobody sane who loves somebody will break up over that. When you don't get closure, there is an OPEN LOOP, which gives them a chance to work their way back in again. What you need to do is to really label it as ABUSE. (Emotional abuse). When somebody hurts you in the same way, repeatedly, they are doing it on purpose. They might not plan to hurt you, but they are proceeding with their actions KNOWING they will hurt you. (There is some intention behind it) How will closure look like? Differently for different people, despite the experiences with a narc are all very similar. What might help? - knowing about the TRAUMA BOND (reading about it). She read an article that talked about what the other person DOES, to talking how it AFFECTS the person who is in an emotionally abusive relationship (your sense of self worth plummets, you have very little self esteem left, you feel embarrassed for being in this relationship at this point, your sense of self worth gets tied to the abuser). It is quite normal to feel like this after being trough all this. It gives you a permission to stop beating yourself up.
Give me a break! I ghosted 2 cheaters and didn’t give them closure, so that makes me a toxic narcissist? I’m faithful in all my relationships. I was cheated on twice. Upon confirmation of being cheated on both times I completely disappeared without a trace (one a 2 year relationship, the other was 3 years). I don’t know if either of them knew that a discovered they were cheating. Well, the one that I was with for 3 years, her other boyfriend confronted me with evidence, so maybe he told her. I took the route of ghosting them, walking away clean, forgiving them, while holding no grudge towards them or seeking revenge. I quickly concluded- if someone is cheating on me, do you think they’re going care about me whining, complaining, my anger, my pain or frustration? Of course NOT. They concluded our relationship when they decided to cheat. So having a conversation with them is meaningless unless you get some kind of thrill out of making them apologize, look or feel bad for betraying you (my opinion). I think it’s weak to ask them for an explanation or apology with the false sense that it’s going to change or undue what happened. One of the most mentally toughest feats you’d do - ending a relationship with a cheater while providing no closure on both sides. I’m gone and looking for now way back in.
I believe that what holds us captive is the codependent need for validation. I am growing out of the codependent need for acceptance. I’m in the process of divorcing my husband and it’s because I have accepted me for me! I’m not totally there yet, but I’m down the road of healing and self actualization. Now I understand that my happiness and wholeness is not “dependent” on another person! All those times when he came at me with nastiness of blame, judgement, and ridicule for just being who I am - he resented me because he couldn’t control me and his efforts for me to conform to his dictates! That struck a chord of those feelings that I’m not enough....I’m not worthy, I must be defective. These beliefs were all ready in place that were formed from my childhood pain of feeling unloved and not accepted. Now I know that there was no “secure attachment” in my early years! So all the fiery darts he threw at me with the goal in mind to feel superior over me, collided with my rejection/codependent paradigm, I ended up arguing with him to try and convince him that I truly am acceptable! But who cares? Lol! I was trying to turn a pig into a prince!? I don’t care anymore....I don’t have anything to “prove.” Through all this pain, a light came on of self revelation/realization that I am enough....I’m not what he says, I’m not what I was lead to believe growing up with parents that through their dysfunction, created me to have a false identity of shame. The one good thing about this relationship failure is it opened a prison door to my freedom! My false beliefs had put me in a prison that I was living in! I am 68 now, and oh how I regret not having this enlightenment about myself 50 years ago! So believe in yourself - you are not what “they” say about you! You are enough dear ones!
@ Nancy Clark Your response is so helpful to me. Explains everything. I struggle with what exactly “codependency” is. I know I’m codependent because I accepted the abuse from the narcissist. All the while I was trying to prove to him my value. Thank you so much for enlightening me to what I need to work on to heal. 😘
Omg to number 1..jesus christ...it feels like you're waiting for soemthing despite deciding yourself you're done because the way they end it is almost like a "until next time"....holy crap...I thought something was wrong with me for expecting something but then I realized I've actually been programmed to feel this way.
I asked my emotionally abusive boyfriend if he had a diagnosis, in the middle of him leaving for no apparent reason. He very proudly told me he was diagnosed "extreme narcissist". After he left I looked up the term, and within hours of doing the research I had my closure. EDUCATION makes all the difference. NO CONTACT is the best means of protection we have, as far as I can see. He actually tried to hoover me by leaving me a message that we needed to meet so that I could have closure. HA HA. Thanks for doing this, Cristina. This is a much needed topic, obviously the "closure trap" had worked for this guy before.
It's been 9 months since I was ghosted. 7 months since the Hoover I am 90% healed. There are times I miss the Narc I went no contact and stayed no contact I outed the Narc during the hoover And rejected the hoover I don't think I will be hooverd again
Its my 2nd day no contacting him. I miss him sometimes but i know i must stay strong. We hv been together for 6 months then he started avoiding me since he got a new job.
The only closure we’ll ever get from a narc is coming to terms with reality, reconciling with the fact of who they are, and seeing their true nature. To quote HG Tudor: Once you know, you go! The discard is a blessing in disguise.
Well spoken Christina. It is sooooooo recognizable this topic. My covert narcissist ex partner also didn't close the relationship as 'normale, mature people' do with me. And if there was some sort of closure that happened in my relationship it was done by social media. If course narcissists and especially the covert ones are cowards. They are so afraid when it comes to confrontation, especially in this sort of situation. My ex is an immature, insecure, damaged, frustrated and angry person. She has not taken any responsibilities for her behavior, lies and flaws during this relationship. Actually I believe she hasn't taken any responsibilities during her whole life. I feel sorry for her two young children. They are the real victims. Her argument to end our relationship was that we are not made for eachother. That could be possible of course, but as I recognized from all sorts of situations I had to deal with my ex who lied, made things up, I saw through her flaws. Simple, I knew and saw in the end who she really is. And that is of course what she did not like. Can you imagine, living your life next to a fake personality. It is all a façade. I told her to take responsibility, grow up and take care of her own life and of her childrens'. She is also a colleague of mine but I don't see her anymore at work due to all sorts of reasons. For me it was a very hard learning school. I also had to work on my innerself, get things sorted out, also from the past. One thing will never go away and that is the scarf on my soul and heart. I had a relationship for eight months with my covert narcissist ex partner, but I have dealt with things that would never happen in such a way in a normaI, mature relationship based on trust, respect and unconditional love. The last two months felt like years. I forgave her for what she did to me but I will never forget.
“Nobody sees anybody truly but all through the flaws of their own egos. That is the way we all see ...each other in life. Vanity, fear, desire, competition-- all such distortions within our own egos-- condition our vision of those in relation to us. Add to those distortions to our own egos the corresponding distortions in the egos of others, and you see how cloudy the glass must become through which we look at each other. That's how it is in all living relationships except when there is that rare case of two people who love intensely enough to burn through all those layers of opacity and see each other's naked hearts.” ―Tennessee Williams.
They always argued, "you don't even fight for relationship..." this was usually after massive boundary stomping and me being like wtf. First time I can't really remember... but they were suspicious of any behavior and were very accusatory. I didn't like it, they didn't trust me and originally i had boundary or stipulation of if one or the other don't trust each other there isn't a relationship. Not cold, not malevolent; just factual. Honestly, after this final discard(over a year ago) still remains factual. Me allowing myself to remain in the relationship for multitudes of reasons and excuses made me diverge fom nuggets of knowledge i have since gained back. However, their philosophies now monopolized my every waking thought, but then told "my feelings" and "my reasoning" and me accepting their perception as my own was the last wtf. I know my feelings i know my intentions....I live at what level I want to share with others, and if you can't see I have been very honest and very open about everything with them because I think they are special.... and that called a lie even...
The way to get closure in any relationship is never to expect the other person to take any responsibility. One just has to accept what is, then move on. As Dalai Lama said....'be like the leaf in the forest, stop shaking when the wind has passed'. Relationships are like wind, they come out of nowhere and they end. And as we cannot control wind, we cannot control others in a relationship. All we can do is deal with our own feelings and that is all we can control.
so true about an issue being cut and dry and me trying over and over and over trying to get him to see it. I would resort to examples, articles, etc. It would take me an hour to finally get out of him. "hmmmm, I think I see', but then an hour later say he doesn't agree. I wanted to rip my hair out. I cannot believe I have wasted 7 yrs of my life. How the hell did a smart girl like me get so fooled????? He will be served divorce papers in a few days.
Omg. My experience is so similar to yours. It’s just a crazy making tactic that they use- and boy, does it work. But I always remember, it’s never my job to teach a grown ass man how to communicate and now we know for sure they’ll never change. You definitely deserve better! And proud of you for having the courage to serve him those well deserved papers!
My wife the neglectful narcissist abused myself and my six children. I didnt know what emotional abuse is. Your video is unparalleled to others. I'm in a pivotal moment in my life but now I realize what emotional neglect and abuse is.
This is spot on! She has walked the walk....excellent points. Cut your losses and move on, the narc will completely destroy you! Thanks for having the courage to share your story and educate us Narc Warriors. Peace.
You hit the nail on the head, everything seemed fine, no arguing nothing and then I said something he didn’t like and he blew up and he was gone and awake. It was just so traumatizing. I hadn’t seen it coming.
My XN wanted closure from ME 3 months after I said it’s over. To me it was obvious why it ended, but of course he didn’t take any responsibility for his actions so he was probably very confused about why I left. I didn’t need closure from HIM at all. I was a terrible relationship and I got out. He’s tried to Hoover even up to a month ago... and it’s been over a year since we split. I’ve never, ever looked at his social media, driven by his house or looked him up EVER! I couldn’t block him from mailing me letters but I don’t open them and I throw them away. He’s an evil man. It was only going to get worse. My recovery has been the hardest of any relationship and I still feel the effects but I know in time this too shall pass. Thank you for helping us all get clarity. I still watch utube clips on this subject, especially when I start having good memories it straightens me out quickly 😊
I am currently trying to get closure from a relationship with what I now know to be a narsissist...we where solid for eight months of "I love you" "I don't know what I'd do without you" ...i.e bombing and I noticed the signs that things where just not right in so many of the things you've talked about...like the sickness thing is bang on the button..anyway I kept ignoring my better judgement until one day I popped around to surprise her in the morning with breakfast and she went bat shit crazy..not in her control for once..in fact the only time...needless to say a week later after a seemingly one sided conversation..i.e me talking to the wall... trying to divulge my emotions and figure out what she was feeling...she said I was being way too much and tossed me to the curb like I was a biscuit (inanimate) the relationship was great untill then..but only cos she always had the final say on what day we'd meet up...so I'd say, I'd love to see you tomorrow...and she without fail would always pick another day...then have the check to accuse me of never making any effort...it's a bit complicated cos she lives with family so that was always the excuse...so and so said not tomorrow but Wednesday, but never once would she offer to come to my place instead despite me showing her love and saying I wanted to see her..now it's like the eight months together doesn't exist in her mind...like she turned me of like a light switch ..funny really...anyways iv watched a good number of your videos and I hate to say she ticks every box...I keep trying to txt her and have her explain how she can turn off what she said was love like that..and be so cold...iv tried nearly every tactic to try and find closure even pleaded with her to attempt to get her to shed some light on why she's acting like this, over what is basically, me bringing her breakfast in bed and doing something nice...I have to say I have been at breaking point for almost three weeks now..haven't seen her but she txts whenever she feels like it..then I reply just to be ignored for three to five hours...only to get a one word answer if I'm lucky... and God help me if I try and get any sence out of her...that could be a two day incognito or more...she knows she's hurting me but couldn't give a flying **** basically...so I just cried listening to this video and wanted to say thank you for inadvertently helping me and literally saving me from dispare...you have no idea how much I needed to discover your series and hear your wisdom...thank you doesn't even come close...bless you
They will forever gaslight you into thinking the relationship didn't work out because you weren't good enough. This keeps the victims forever hooked and vulnerable for future Hoover's. No closure is done deliberately so that you never get over them, hoping they come back. In the meantime they are either going back to their wife/gf or their mistress.
I recently learned that nobody owes us closure and I gotta say it was freeing for me. Now i gotta just work on healing myself and moving on. This video is basically a reminder to me about my mother
OMG this is so great!!! My ex was like this!!!! And I keep waiting for the day that she will call me and apologize.... and then get my closure.... but I know now that it’s healthier to label it for what it really is “she’s a narcissist” and I was “emotionally abused”...
After 2 years of dismissing her actions and trying to make it work I've been stuck with this need for closure. And I feel like I got mine. But the way I handled it has me questioning if she truly was one. Or is it me. After going through so much of "you're just saying the same things in a different way I don't want to hear anything that isn't new" I just wanted to work out the problems as a team. she took that as was me going to therapy to work on "my" issues. And when she told me she wanted to go with me and work on it together. She would never be available even though the appointment was scheduled in advance to be planned for. I got blamed for never taking her. She left me a few days after my birthday. Witholding herself. Telling me about issues below that couldn't have been from me. We didn't do anything for months. And I was just happy to have my person. I didn't need or want these things. But when it was expected. There was always an excuse. I struggle now with my self doubt and self worth. When I started finding my path I made the mistake of trying to settle the bad blood and just be friends. But was criticized heavily for my new beliefs and way of looking at life. She clipped my wings the moment I started taking off. And here I am shamefully reanalyzing myself wondering if I'll ever be able to fly again. Even though it's safer in my hole in the ground. I hope I'll be able to risk taking flight with nobody grounding me again. I love myself now... I just wish I didn't feel like there really is nothing good or special about me. Even though countless people tell me how much I'm admired for my hard work and sensitive/caring nature. All the problems I was going to therapy for turned out just to be who I was. I tried to change every part of my being. I lost myself. Hated being told I was sick. I found out everything thanks to blogs research and these videos. I just can't see myself in a positive light anymore. Am I really that person who was really only thinking about himself. Or was it something doomed to fail wether I committed to action or inaction. I just want to be okay. The confidence in myself was stolen by her. Now I really don't know if I deserve anything worthwhile. Failure is the only thing in my life that derails me. Did I really even try my hardest? Was I only worth her love in the beginning? And if I'm not now. Will I be for anyone in the future? I just don't know sometimes.
I don't expect closure from a narcissistic person at all and most prefer to keep the door open anyway, so they can use their appliances again in the future. ❤
Your videos are so informative and helpful! I went through that "maybe it will somehow make sense" phase. Trying to keep in touch, at least move to being friends like two adults. Never in my life have I felt more like a fish out of water, confused, embarassed and simply sad, not aware what I am going through. Now it actually does make sense.
I couldn’t make sense of the relationship or the discards. SMH we couldn’t get along in it and couldn’t get along ending it either, lol. The relationship wasn’t logical and neither is the ending. Narcissist is a continuum wherever you’re together or apart. It just goes on and on unless you put your foot down ✋ and keep that door shut 🛑
Your channel is truly a blessing. The last year was rough. But channels like yours and a few others, really helped me. Thank you so much. I'm through the grief process. And forgiveness for me, was the final step. I'm still going to watch your videos, and recommend them to others to continue doing what worked for me, as I continue on my journey in life in a positive way. Just wanted to say thanks. 💪💚✞
I has a hard time admitting emotional abuse even though a counselor told me I was being abused almost 19 years prior. I just didn't think she got it... I wish I would've ran from him! It wasn't until I was out of the relationship for a while, after therapy, education and a lot of reflection did I realize the extent of abuse. I was not only abused by him but his family as well. They often, even now, blame others for their own shortcomings, failures, bad behaviors and issues. They appear nice and normal at first. They often draw you in with charm, kindness, toy with your sympathy. Then you start to hear how they talk about others and treat others, how they get people and entities to serve them (and they are very entitled always justify their actions in some needy way even though they are very well off), etc. I wouldn't put it past the dad to trip some homeless single mother of five to get free handouts at church. I hated being around them, they made fun of disabled people, overweight people, poor people, people of various races - behind their back, of course. I am so blessed to be away from that sick circus. It took me a while to go to church because they were church going people and because of how they treated people, it made me question faith.
My ex said that she never really cared about me, but insisted that she wasn't using me because I was one of the people closest to her. When I said that doesn't make any sense and that she was obviously lying, she got angry at me and double downed on it, insisting that just because she was sleeping with me and didn't care about me, doesn't mean she was using me as a placeholder and that there was something wrong with me for thinking it does. What was most troubling for me after was how many mutual acquaintances and even therapists did not acknowledge her actions as form of abuse, and suggested it was just a "disappointment" or a "misunderstanding", which made it even worse.
You're right, they like to leave the door open so they can come back for a use at any time. Ambiguous. Open to interpretation. They focus carefully on their written words so they can go back and point at them and go see, I said it there.
Gosh this is so so helpful. And I felt like you did after watching your videos! “Wow there a name for that! That’s exactly what I’ve even through!” Thank you so so much.
You game me closure miss. Thank you very much. I have been searching for long on this and now I believe i was on the recieving end of this narcisstic abuse. I was expecting closure. Today I came to know all of this and now I know that all was not my fault. I will try to comply what you have been telling us in this video. Maybe i will heal too in this. Very much thanks to you. You are doing good Job. Keep it up.
I feel sick. Been through 3 rounds of this I should have listened to you the last time. I couldn't work out if she has a personality disorder or covert narcissist or what. I still don't know but your message is calming.
My Ex, on Dec 20th2020 called to argue with me, i refused to argue, I warned her if she continued i would hang up on her. She then said something i can not recall but also said “Im done” and then hung up on me. Its now 1/4/21’ and i messaged her basically trying to figure things out and no response. She was very narcissistic and also undisciplined. She still lived at home at the age of 25, and her father paid basically for everything. I wouldnt be surprised if he was the one who shelled out the $$ for the boob job she just got in September. But yea.... thank you for these videos. I wasnt even looking for your channel and then i seen one video of yours and am now hooked. Thank you, God bless your heart for bringing clarity to my clouded mind due to this ex of mine. I really thought she was different from all the others. Oh well.
You started by saying "it doesn't matter if the narcissist is your husband, your wife, your sibling, your cousin, your friend... " and like all the videos I've watched on this topic, no one ever says "your CHILD". My son and his ex have abused me by gas-lighting/scapegoating me for years. I didn't even know, all I knew was I was always hurt and confused. One day I had an awakening, and I read a description of scapegoating/gas-lighting and like you I had that AHA moment! I tried last year to have a talk to bring some closure as I want to heal myself and also our relationship from past issues. He ended up storming out in a rage after only about ten minutes, and we'd barely got started! It was over nothing as you say. We haven't talked since. He ignored my birthday and Mother's Day, he usually only calls, no flowers or cards... but total silence. It's his birthday tomorrow, normally I wouldn't sink to his level but I'm thinking of ignoring him too! I've tried for years to make our relationship better, now I'm done. Him and his ex have brainwashed my teenage granddaughter which hurts the most, I'm alone except for them, they're all the family I have, but I'm not willing to be hurt any more. Boundaries are now in place. Going to watch some of your other videos, thank you! ♥
Your channel is really helpful. I'm glad I've found it. Especially because you don't have any other materials that you promote because that s*** fckn raises my nerves.
@@ridemnt It's against their nature to admit a flaw or that they are in the wrong. No one likes to be wrong, but a narcissist won't even entertain that possibility.
I moved into a four bedroom home and been setting stuff up. Hope you’ve been well! I’m going to binge Common Ego this weekend for sure! You’re on point with all your videos To all those reading I advise you do the same. Even last years ones! It’s like reading a book. You’ll be able to apply this knowledge -presented by the lovely Christina- more and more effectively No doubt
Closure feels impossible when “coparenting.” I find it hard to move on when he continues to lie to me about things, because it takes me back to all of the lies he told when we were together. One way or another, he gets under my skin and seeing him with the new supply is a constant source of agony. Naturally, she is the love of his life and he is falling all over what an amazing person she is. I wish I could remove myself from that narrative, but it feels like he does things to passive aggressively remind me that he’s in my life forever, and she’s everything he needed to make him into the man I wanted him to be.
Have you seen my videos on the new supply? In my more recent video, I talk about how it's a trap to make you feel exactly the way you're describing. It's much more difficult to get closure when you have to still deal with them, but it's possible ❤🙏
The new supply isn’t the love of his life. She’s some unwitting person that’s going to be his next victim. He’s probably used all the same tired lines on her as he did you. He’s not worth your time, energy or love. The same fate is in for the new woman unless she knows what’s she’s dealing with. I’ve been discarded three times by the same woman for a shiny new toy and none of those shiny new toys worked out. I know this because after each failed romance she has I get hoovered and she flat out tells me what happened. Of course those wonderful amazing new guys she met turned out to be horrible people according to her. Practice going gray rock and take solace in knowing you’ve been there, done that and don’t want any part of him.
When I call my sister out on her rudeness and lies, she tells me I am being emotionally abusive to her, just by pointing out her own actions!! I am making her 'feel bad about herself' so I am abusive. I guess lying to me and being rude to me wouldn't make ME feel bad......that doesn't count!!!
My sister does precisely the same thing! If you call her out on ANYTHING she'll start crying and say you've hurt her feels. I've come to realize a genuine relationship with her is impossible...only the most superficial. She is a very toxic individual.
This makes so much sense and helps so much. I think I’m staying because I’m waiting for closure. Just a side thought, every time I see dislikes on videos like this I just have to assume a narc saw the video and had to dislike it. Lol
Closure is a personal choice the individual must come to terms with to finally get off the emotional see saw. To stop zig zagging and finally move forward, onwards and upwards
After 8 years since the breakup, I finally initiated the conversation myself today to get the closure, because I’m leaving the country we both live in. It was a waste of time. I was sad, 8 years on, this person cannot still be nice towards me and give me peace of mind. Friendship however is what is demanded, and as I always did, I declined the offer. I’m sad and I’m also glad my side of the street is at least clean. Now in bed, thinking and somehow sad, I stumbled upon this video, makes me feel very good to get some insight my heartache. THANK YOU ❤️ 💔 🙏
Intermittent positive reinforcement aka Trauma bond is fascinating bc such contempt...Neurotransmitters + #Narcissist = Never ending Narcissistic Nightmare
Yes 7 yrs worth. An kept letting them bk knowing everytime the hurt jus gts more, worse and deeper. . . I had a truma bond 🥺 An nw that's all the closer I found I needed a break free. Stay strong 💛💚🩵💜
I’m glad I’m healing everything you say is true I don’t feel anything for my ex narc it doesn’t feel like what it use to be but I feel better not getting out the relationship.
Been here before so I reached out to her to ask what she wants to do with the last of her stuff (has been over several times to grab it but leaves bits). I’m being proactive this time as I know she’ll be back. She Did it the week after we broke up and I stayed strong on it and instead got guilt tripped. Since messaging her several days ago she’s not even read it. She’d rather wait until I’m almost gone to come back and breadcrumb.
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Hey you got a "thumbsdown" I think my ex was here LOL
🙋🏾♀️Hi Christina it's so good to see you I hope all is well with you 💜🤗
😶Oh yes I struggled with it for quite a while... this is extremely Validating for me Christina this Powerful Thanks Soooooo Much 💜💜💜
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's similar to mine, and how learning this stuff led to me closing that specific chapter of my life. In a way it gave me answers to questions I thought would never find answers to.
PS I get the impression that you like to be concise in your videos, perhaps to be respectful of peoples time (I know I do that) but if I can speak for us all, given that we're all hear to hear what you have to share. Please elaborate however much you need if you feel inclined to. You really have great things to share!
Their actions speak loudly that they never loved you...
I still struggle with accepting that it was emotional abuse.I always saw myself as a strong independent person I never thought I would let someone take advantage of me like that for so many years.
MJ L Same here. It's hard to wrap one's head around though best to not even try because we certainly will go crazy. I look at it as we love hard and got slammed by others that envy that. The emotional abuse, as subtle as it begins, is real.
One day at a time.
I so feel what you are saying .
I feel the same
They feel nothing. You might grieve, feel heartbroken etc but don’t expect them to feel anything. They’ll tell you they feel nothing, too.
This is exactly what is happening to me
It really hurts because I truly loved him and I don't understand how he can just be fine. It really stung.
Mine says he's so in love and wants me back, is hopeful for us, offers to help me with anything.... love bombing. Its all fake but he might believe his own BS. Hes just not capable of adult love, compassion or change.
@@rlm9898 I'm so glad you can see that and it would be a total waste of your time to take him back, which you know anyway. ❤
Closure is when you’ve sussed them out, the misery is their issue. Live well and take the experience as a lesson learnt.
NoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContactNoContact (The 1st months are hell...after a year you'll be mad at yourself for not doing it years earlier. You'll be reborn, and that is no exxageration).
This belongs on a t-shirt 😉
I think closure is the reason I ever went back to the narc. I was hoping for some answers. Spoiler alert: never got em!
I can relate 😔❤
@ You Can’t Leave This Empty. They know, he’s a liar. My ex could remember that I didn’t wipe the dogs paws when I let him in during the middle of the discard argument but she couldn’t remember a thing about the the argument. Selective memory? I don’t think so, just another manipulation and lie.
@@scottp2462 if it is shameful and negative; especially a flaw of them, it never happened because it was all your fault. I had done that to them a few times as a retaliatory measure and it felt disgusting. I felt I was less than nothing in their eyes no matter what i tried to do or explain why.
Great insight! Some coins dropped after I read your comment. Thanks for that! I think this very specific issue deserves a video. Maybe, after all, we are only looking for a rational closure that will never come? “I don’t love you anymore” seems to be better than nothing. But that is only for real people who actually know what love is.
*suprisedpikachuface*
That has been the hardest part of our struggles with a narcissist. It hurts to not have resolution. It has really been a struggle for 3 years.
IKR,
It’s a continuum that keeps going on and on and on
It’s a love/hate push pull relationship that is on again
off again forever until one of you keep that door closed and nailed shut 💪🏼
RshackTravels 7 months and I’ve made it over the hump. No closure from her. I don’t need it anymore. I don’t need an apology. Living well is the best way to to get over it. It’s not an instant fix, but it’s well worth it. My narc has backed her self into a comer because of her blind stubbornness, and lack of self awareness. It’s a beautiful thing to watch from a distance. I think she has finally realised she’s screwed. She wanted to meet me for coffee to talk about our options regarding the house. I told her I don’t want coffee, I have no need to talk to her face to face. I also told her she has no options with the house. I’m paying her out and keeping the house. She tried to screw me and it didn’t work. Now she expects me to help her financially. She only wanted to see me so she could manipulate and pull at my heart strings. These people have no shame, not guilt, they are emotionless. It’s astonishing. I just need to weather the storm of shit flinging I’m going to get from her and her family and friends for not giving her everything she wants. I’m ready to take it on alone. I don’t need approval from anyone anymore. I take care of me and my kids. That’s it. I’m getting stronger and more confident in myself through this. This is exactly what I needed. Bring it on!!
Get out of this TOXIC relationship. Losers feel good only when you're miserable because there Miserable.
Yea and they dont care smh
And they will push for friendship. DON'T DO IT.... Narcs never never own anything. They will never admit anything because they are right and you are wrong. End of story. Seek peace in yourself. Think of them like a 3 year old.
zenzabar's Space Hit that nail on the head! They always want to be friends. I’m told it’s because if you’re friends you’re also prospective supply again in the future.
if they act like a 3 years old treat them like they are a actor you watching on tv
not someone you can talk with face to face
something i learned/expriced for myself
a bit of shyicgoly goes a long way for you to be happy/true to yourself and know how to deal with this narc personilty disoder
if they ask you a qussion when still normail just yes i heard you
if they are acting strang without be voilce just yelling at you for no good reasons/gaslighting
just say to them im sorry you feel this way will talk later when come down
and try to remove yourself before they blow up/get voilce
if they trying to punish you for something narc did by you giving slience treatment
give them what they wnt and use slient treatment by block them on facebook
real phone numbers narcs home adderss don't bother with just go no conett
it will closer
if they try to hared to hover you stalking you by using their friends block them at ever turn by geting police on you side like some like personily restraton oder so you don't have hear from them
Scott P well and being friends is giving them supply. they want there cake and to eat it to😒 don’t give it to them
I really hope they do so they can get a big F U 🙂
❤️
The closure provided by my narc was silence, as if I never really existed. She just left one day saying “I love you. Talk to you tomorrow” and never talked to me again. No explanations. Nothing. I spent the last 4 months trying to understand it. Tried to talk to her. No answer. Nothing. The closure I created for myself is the actual closure we all need to understand: I was dealing for 4 years with a sick person. And although I am not completely over it yet, every day it gets better. Narcs are the devil in disguise. Period.
Just had the same exact thing happen to me. Its like she died.
@@-thefalcon- And she died, but you are still alive. Take good care of yourself. 🍻
that got me the most, right up to the day before it was all baby I love yous, and the next day, gone, as cool as blowing out a match.
Thank vou! :)
Like same thing happened to me. She said she will meet me. Will hang out together. That time never came. Closure from my side
Just understanding more about narcissism has helped to bring the closure needed and move on. Things will never fully make sense and I can accept that. I think it will always be sad but I have hope for the future. Thank you
Hang in there.
Yes has helped me to
Janis Gaines I totally agree that learning about narcissism is enough for closure, along with healing work. I wouldn't trust a narcissistic person to give genuine closure anyway!
I managed to stop all contact with my last highly narcissistic "partner" a long time ago and have no interest in seeing him again; however, I'm still having trouble with my family members, especially my daughter, who was raised by adoptive parents. ❤
That is EXACTLY it! They may not intentionally hurt you with their actions, they just don't care if they do. Over and over and over again. Same scenarios, different people.
I spent 20 years trying to fix “it” I didn’t even know what it was. She destroyed our kid’s childhood with her drinking and blaming and abusive narc behaviour. She is constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself. It’s the most bizarre thing to go through with these people. All conversations lead back to blaming me. It’s hard not to be angry. I’m getting there. No contact. They thrive on the drama. Starve them of what they need.
So true sounds like my boyfriends ex they love it ur so right thanks u have actually given me the closure I neeed the women one are worse in that way she is victim Marty and mine is still 17. Emotionally and he's like 35
There cowards. They no its there fault...so they will never admit it.
This video hits home in the exact way my relationship ended... over something so trivial that I was in shock.
Same!!!
Same here. Right after a luxury two week trip to Europe he took me on where he asked if I wanted to spend my life with him and it seemed like we would marry, we went to dinner and had a nice night with plans for next weekend and trips planned. He called the next day enraged and said it was over bc he felt disrespected (made up out of nothing) and never talked to me again other than a few curt texts. It’s been two weeks. These videos have been very validating and helpful but pain is real
True!! I like the statement that the "Closure needs to come from within (me)".
And thank goodness it does or we'd all be stuck ❤🙏
Very! True
Yes!! It's over. It hurts. But move on!!
@@crystalanamericaninsicily how? The willingness is there but its been 9 month and feel stuck. I dont want to feel this way anymore. I dont to heal
@@Ladyluck888 Then STOP! It's over. One Man didn't appreciate or Value you. Someone else will. Move forward and stop looking back!
Thank You For Sharing
I Wasted 6 Years Of My Life
Chasing The Narcissists Wanting This Persons
Acceptance. I Have Never Received This Only Getting
More Abuse And The Silent Treatment
This Person Has Been Punishing Me On And Off For
Over 6 Yrs There Abuse Never
Stops It Only Gets Worse.
Too true, everytime they manipulate us back to them the less they respect us. We just don't know it yet. So, gives them more reasons to do worse and worse. Them finding satisfaction of duping us... until they find no more fun from that. Then a snub of anything you ever did for them and then treated with cold indifference while they groom another to get that thrill of the chase and idolization they crave but know never lasts. Crying and trying for something we thought was there. They're not searching for stability and comfort but that constant excitement. Then we are left a shell of our former selves. Them treating us like we never existed. Them hoping they stripped of anything useful and left joyless. Hoping we take ourselves out of the equation to either prove their stories of how damaged we were or so they don't ever have to be reminded of the inconvenience.
Always double standards for a narcissist, they blame and shame, never accepting responsibility.
True 🙏❤
take responilty for your own behaviour by staing no connett
if your withor arund them just prented you are watching a actor on tv and just act booard around if the y blame shitft something they did
if they feel shame act crazy yelling at you for no good reason
just calm yourself down act like don't understand what they saying to you
reverse it on them by say sorry you feel like this we will talk latter when you come down
and try to remove yourself before they become voilce narc lost the their fake personilty
Don't waste your time with TOXIC people.
Wow, this video has really opened my eyes, it clicked, it made sense out of my scrambled brain.
I have been through countless break ups with this person. The first 6 months were great, the next year and a half one wild roller coaster ride with her. And yes I accept my share of the blame, I'm not perfect and I know it. Any communication though is completely one sided and all about her. I've been very open about my faults and mistakes but it never seemed to matter, she would always turn it back to her by changing the focus. I never felt heard.
I believe I was doing my on hoovering so to speak, I was starting to think that I was the narcissist. I was always going back, trying to make it right.
I now think that what was happening is that I've been trying to find closure. Closure from her, but instead get love bombed, then gaslighted, then discarded. Then the whole cycle repeats it self.
Three days in a row now I have watch this video and things in my head have gotten clearer each time, it now makes so much sense.
Thank you so much.
i totally relate to it, even the time period mentioned...i hope it gete better for you and for me and for everyone who's going through the same trauma
Recognizing *your former narc will continue being a narc after you're gone, never again ruminating about them,* AND *developing new friends and hobbies* gives you the closure you'll never get from *them* 😋😁😅🙌🏾
Closure for me was finding out that he was a covert narcissist. I knew that something with him was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I stumbled upon one of your videos ❤️
I know you wrote this years ago but I stumbled across it. I knew something was OFF but couldn't figure it out. They become worse as time goes on.
"They seem almost to become much colder than they've ever been before." I'm going through this right now😭😭
14 year “relationship” ended because he didn’t get his way one day over a year prior🙄 Absolutely insane! His discard was actually the best gift he ever gave me👍🏽
I'm sorry but 14 years ??? How did you manage? I almost killed myself after 2.
17 yr marriage and 2 kids. It almost killed me.
@@vesnalukic9877 what can I say..... I was the forever optimist thinking the good guy would one day return as he would show me glimmers of that person intermittently. My kids kept me strong and in the end.....peace and contentment. 😘❤️
@@garimaheath but it didn’t!!! Now you get to enjoy your life!!!❤️❤️
So many people waste years of their life, trying to get closure. It's NOT possible to get closure from a narcissist.
When the relationship ends you will not get a closure from a narcissist. You will have to find it for yourself.
3 reasons why it's impossible:
1. The relationship itself and its sudden end is completely ILLOGICAL in itself. When it ends they seem to have become much COLDER than before. Since you can't wrap your head around it, you hope they will come to their senses and come back. Also, having been in this narcissistic dynamic, knowing the phases (loving, devaluing, discarding, hoovering), you almost expect them to come back. Even if you're ready to end it, expecting them to come back will make it hard.
2. You are expecting them to take RESPONSIBILITY/BE ACCOUNTABLE (admit they lied, cheated, never loved you, don't know what love is at all and stop the GASLIGHTING). Accountability would give you the closure and help you move on. But they are unable to do it and will avoid it at all costs.
3. CLOSURE is your ability to reconcile what happened in the relationship, so that it makes some sense.
You can not get it from them because they don't operate from the same logic that we do. You never were able to talk some sense into them. When they were gaslighting you, you wanted them to understand logic, but they didn't.
You will be doubting yourself a lot,
Usually these relationships end for something very TRIVIAL. (E.g. after being 2 years in a relationship they suddenly start to like/idolize a different color of hair. They might devalue/discard/break up for that reason). You will not believe them because nobody sane who loves somebody will break up over that.
When you don't get closure, there is an OPEN LOOP, which gives them a chance to work their way back in again.
What you need to do is to really label it as ABUSE. (Emotional abuse). When somebody hurts you in the same way, repeatedly, they are doing it on purpose. They might not plan to hurt you, but they are proceeding with their actions KNOWING they will hurt you. (There is some intention behind it)
How will closure look like?
Differently for different people, despite the experiences with a narc are all very similar.
What might help?
- knowing about the TRAUMA BOND (reading about it). She read an article that talked about what the other person DOES, to talking how it AFFECTS the person who is in an emotionally abusive relationship (your sense of self worth plummets, you have very little self esteem left, you feel embarrassed for being in this relationship at this point, your sense of self worth gets tied to the abuser). It is quite normal to feel like this after being trough all this. It gives you a permission to stop beating yourself up.
Give me a break! I ghosted 2 cheaters and didn’t give them closure, so that makes me a toxic narcissist? I’m faithful in all my relationships. I was cheated on twice. Upon confirmation of being cheated on both times I completely disappeared without a trace (one a 2 year relationship, the other was 3 years). I don’t know if either of them knew that a discovered they were cheating. Well, the one that I was with for 3 years, her other boyfriend confronted me with evidence, so maybe he told her. I took the route of ghosting them, walking away clean, forgiving them, while holding no grudge towards them or seeking revenge. I quickly concluded- if someone is cheating on me, do you think they’re going care about me whining, complaining, my anger, my pain or frustration? Of course NOT. They concluded our relationship when they decided to cheat. So having a conversation with them is meaningless unless you get some kind of thrill out of making them apologize, look or feel bad for betraying you (my opinion). I think it’s weak to ask them for an explanation or apology with the false sense that it’s going to change or undue what happened. One of the most mentally toughest feats you’d do - ending a relationship with a cheater while providing no closure on both sides. I’m gone and looking for now way back in.
I believe that what holds us captive is the codependent need for validation. I am growing out of the codependent need for acceptance. I’m in the process of divorcing my husband and it’s because I have accepted me for me! I’m not totally there yet, but I’m down the road of healing and self actualization. Now I understand that my happiness and wholeness is not “dependent” on another person! All those times when he came at me with nastiness of blame, judgement, and ridicule for just being who I am - he resented me because he couldn’t control me and his efforts for me to conform to his dictates! That struck a chord of those feelings that I’m not enough....I’m not worthy, I must be defective. These beliefs were all ready in place that were formed from my childhood pain of feeling unloved and not accepted. Now I know that there was no “secure attachment” in my early years! So all the fiery darts he threw at me with the goal in mind to feel superior over me, collided with my rejection/codependent paradigm, I ended up arguing with him to try and convince him that I truly am acceptable! But who cares? Lol! I was trying to turn a pig into a prince!? I don’t care anymore....I don’t have anything to “prove.” Through all this pain, a light came on of self revelation/realization that I am enough....I’m not what he says, I’m not what I was lead to believe growing up with parents that through their dysfunction, created me to have a false identity of shame. The one good thing about this relationship failure is it opened a prison door to my freedom! My false beliefs had put me in a prison that I was living in! I am 68 now, and oh how I regret not having this enlightenment about myself 50 years ago! So believe in yourself - you are not what “they” say about you! You are enough dear ones!
@ Nancy Clark Your response is so helpful to me. Explains everything. I struggle with what exactly “codependency” is. I know I’m codependent because I accepted the abuse from the narcissist. All the while I was trying to prove to him my value. Thank you so much for enlightening me to what I need to work on to heal. 😘
Omg to number 1..jesus christ...it feels like you're waiting for soemthing despite deciding yourself you're done because the way they end it is almost like a "until next time"....holy crap...I thought something was wrong with me for expecting something but then I realized I've actually been programmed to feel this way.
When I'm feeling like I'm getting closure, then I relapse and I lose it. It's so frustrating and exhausting
I asked my emotionally abusive boyfriend if he had a diagnosis, in the middle of him leaving for no apparent reason. He very proudly told me he was diagnosed "extreme narcissist". After he left I looked up the term, and within hours of doing the research I had my closure. EDUCATION makes all the difference. NO CONTACT is the best means of protection we have, as far as I can see. He actually tried to hoover me by leaving me a message that we needed to meet so that I could have closure. HA HA. Thanks for doing this, Cristina. This is a much needed topic, obviously the "closure trap" had worked for this guy before.
The narcissist suddenly discarded me not long after he made up false accusations and admitted he did. I was so disturbed I asked if he had a diagnosis
Oh oh oh oh OH!!!!! (Jumping up and down pointing) EXACTLY like Christina said!!!! The best internet video explanation I’ve ever heard! Thank you
It's been 9 months since I was ghosted. 7 months since the Hoover
I am 90% healed. There are times I miss the Narc
I went no contact and stayed no contact
I outed the Narc during the hoover
And rejected the hoover
I don't think I will be hooverd again
Its my 2nd day no contacting him. I miss him sometimes but i know i must stay strong. We hv been together for 6 months then he started avoiding me since he got a new job.
As bad as he treated me I’m still struggling to let go and get the closure. I’m very codependent. I’m not sure how to heal that.
The only closure we’ll ever get from a narc is coming to terms with reality, reconciling with the fact of who they are, and seeing their true nature. To quote HG Tudor: Once you know, you go!
The discard is a blessing in disguise.
Well spoken Christina. It is sooooooo recognizable this topic.
My covert narcissist ex partner also didn't close the relationship as 'normale, mature people' do with me.
And if there was some sort of closure that happened in my relationship it was done by social media.
If course narcissists and especially the covert ones are cowards. They are so afraid when it comes to confrontation, especially in this sort of situation. My ex is an immature, insecure, damaged, frustrated and angry person. She has not taken any responsibilities for her behavior, lies and flaws during this relationship. Actually I believe she hasn't taken any responsibilities during her whole life. I feel sorry for her two young children. They are the real victims.
Her argument to end our relationship was that we are not made for eachother. That could be possible of course, but as I recognized from all sorts of situations I had to deal with my ex who lied, made things up, I saw through her flaws. Simple, I knew and saw in the end who she really is. And that is of course what she did not like. Can you imagine, living your life next to a fake personality. It is all a façade.
I told her to take responsibility, grow up and take care of her own life and of her childrens'.
She is also a colleague of mine but I don't see her anymore at work due to all sorts of reasons.
For me it was a very hard learning school. I also had to work on my innerself, get things sorted out, also from the past.
One thing will never go away and that is the scarf on my soul and heart. I had a relationship for eight months with my covert narcissist ex partner, but I have dealt with things that would never happen in such a way in a normaI, mature relationship based on trust, respect and unconditional love. The last two months felt like years. I forgave her for what she did to me but I will never forget.
“Nobody sees anybody truly but all through the flaws of their own egos. That is the way we all see ...each other in life. Vanity, fear, desire, competition-- all such distortions within our own egos-- condition our vision of those in relation to us. Add to those distortions to our own egos the corresponding distortions in the egos of others, and you see how cloudy the glass must become through which we look at each other. That's how it is in all living relationships except when there is that rare case of two people who love intensely enough to burn through all those layers of opacity and see each other's naked hearts.” ―Tennessee Williams.
They always argued, "you don't even fight for relationship..." this was usually after massive boundary stomping and me being like wtf. First time I can't really remember... but they were suspicious of any behavior and were very accusatory. I didn't like it, they didn't trust me and originally i had boundary or stipulation of if one or the other don't trust each other there isn't a relationship. Not cold, not malevolent; just factual. Honestly, after this final discard(over a year ago) still remains factual. Me allowing myself to remain in the relationship for multitudes of reasons and excuses made me diverge fom nuggets of knowledge i have since gained back. However, their philosophies now monopolized my every waking thought, but then told "my feelings" and "my reasoning" and me accepting their perception as my own was the last wtf. I know my feelings i know my intentions....I live at what level I want to share with others, and if you can't see I have been very honest and very open about everything with them because I think they are special.... and that called a lie even...
J K - new term, boundary stomping, I will add that to my collection. 👊🏻
@@dotdashdotdash it goes along with: why did the narcissist cross the road?
--they thought it was a boundary.
The way to get closure in any relationship is never to expect the other person to take any responsibility. One just has to accept what is, then move on. As Dalai Lama said....'be like the leaf in the forest, stop shaking when the wind has passed'. Relationships are like wind, they come out of nowhere and they end. And as we cannot control wind, we cannot control others in a relationship. All we can do is deal with our own feelings and that is all we can control.
Thank you. On point.
Closure for us is walking away or living our own lives while being forced to live with a narcissist due to economic reasons.
so true about an issue being cut and dry and me trying over and over and over trying to get him to see it. I would resort to examples, articles, etc. It would take me an hour to finally get out of him. "hmmmm, I think I see', but then an hour later say he doesn't agree. I wanted to rip my hair out. I cannot believe I have wasted 7 yrs of my life. How the hell did a smart girl like me get so fooled????? He will be served divorce papers in a few days.
Omg. My experience is so similar to yours. It’s just a crazy making tactic that they use- and boy, does it work. But I always remember, it’s never my job to teach a grown ass man how to communicate and now we know for sure they’ll never change. You definitely deserve better! And proud of you for having the courage to serve him those well deserved papers!
My wife the neglectful narcissist abused myself and my six children. I didnt know what emotional abuse is. Your video is unparalleled to others. I'm in a pivotal moment in my life but now I realize what emotional neglect and abuse is.
This is spot on! She has walked the walk....excellent points. Cut your losses and move on, the narc will completely destroy you! Thanks for having the courage to share your story and educate us Narc Warriors. Peace.
You saved my life, literally. God bless you ❤
You hit the nail on the head, everything seemed fine, no arguing nothing and then I said something he didn’t like and he blew up and he was gone and awake. It was just so traumatizing. I hadn’t seen it coming.
6:53 amazing thank you for the help "CLOSURE ISN'T SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE GIVES YOU, IT IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO COME TO ON YOUR OWN"
My XN wanted closure from ME 3 months after I said it’s over. To me it was obvious why it ended, but of course he didn’t take any responsibility for his actions so he was probably very confused about why I left.
I didn’t need closure from HIM at all. I was a terrible relationship and I got out. He’s tried to Hoover even up to a month ago... and it’s been over a year since we split. I’ve never, ever looked at his social media, driven by his house or looked him up EVER! I couldn’t block him from mailing me letters but I don’t open them and I throw them away. He’s an evil man. It was only going to get worse. My recovery has been the hardest of any relationship and I still feel the effects but I know in time this too shall pass. Thank you for helping us all get clarity. I still watch utube clips on this subject, especially when I start having good memories it straightens me out quickly 😊
I am currently trying to get closure from a relationship with what I now know to be a narsissist...we where solid for eight months of "I love you" "I don't know what I'd do without you" ...i.e bombing and I noticed the signs that things where just not right in so many of the things you've talked about...like the sickness thing is bang on the button..anyway I kept ignoring my better judgement until one day I popped around to surprise her in the morning with breakfast and she went bat shit crazy..not in her control for once..in fact the only time...needless to say a week later after a seemingly one sided conversation..i.e me talking to the wall... trying to divulge my emotions and figure out what she was feeling...she said I was being way too much and tossed me to the curb like I was a biscuit (inanimate) the relationship was great untill then..but only cos she always had the final say on what day we'd meet up...so I'd say, I'd love to see you tomorrow...and she without fail would always pick another day...then have the check to accuse me of never making any effort...it's a bit complicated cos she lives with family so that was always the excuse...so and so said not tomorrow but Wednesday, but never once would she offer to come to my place instead despite me showing her love and saying I wanted to see her..now it's like the eight months together doesn't exist in her mind...like she turned me of like a light switch ..funny really...anyways iv watched a good number of your videos and I hate to say she ticks every box...I keep trying to txt her and have her explain how she can turn off what she said was love like that..and be so cold...iv tried nearly every tactic to try and find closure even pleaded with her to attempt to get her to shed some light on why she's acting like this, over what is basically, me bringing her breakfast in bed and doing something nice...I have to say I have been at breaking point for almost three weeks now..haven't seen her but she txts whenever she feels like it..then I reply just to be ignored for three to five hours...only to get a one word answer if I'm lucky... and God help me if I try and get any sence out of her...that could be a two day incognito or more...she knows she's hurting me but couldn't give a flying **** basically...so I just cried listening to this video and wanted to say thank you for inadvertently helping me and literally saving me from dispare...you have no idea how much I needed to discover your series and hear your wisdom...thank you doesn't even come close...bless you
They will forever gaslight you into thinking the relationship didn't work out because you weren't good enough. This keeps the victims forever hooked and vulnerable for future Hoover's. No closure is done deliberately so that you never get over them, hoping they come back.
In the meantime they are either going back to their wife/gf or their mistress.
Wouldn’t have my closure without you! God bless
I recently learned that nobody owes us closure and I gotta say it was freeing for me. Now i gotta just work on healing myself and moving on.
This video is basically a reminder to me about my mother
OMG this is so great!!! My ex was like this!!!! And I keep waiting for the day that she will call me and apologize.... and then get my closure.... but I know now that it’s healthier to label it for what it really is “she’s a narcissist” and I was “emotionally abused”...
This was soooooo spot on. EVERYTHING she said.
After 2 years of dismissing her actions and trying to make it work I've been stuck with this need for closure. And I feel like I got mine. But the way I handled it has me questioning if she truly was one. Or is it me. After going through so much of "you're just saying the same things in a different way I don't want to hear anything that isn't new" I just wanted to work out the problems as a team. she took that as was me going to therapy to work on "my" issues. And when she told me she wanted to go with me and work on it together. She would never be available even though the appointment was scheduled in advance to be planned for. I got blamed for never taking her. She left me a few days after my birthday. Witholding herself. Telling me about issues below that couldn't have been from me. We didn't do anything for months. And I was just happy to have my person. I didn't need or want these things. But when it was expected. There was always an excuse. I struggle now with my self doubt and self worth. When I started finding my path I made the mistake of trying to settle the bad blood and just be friends. But was criticized heavily for my new beliefs and way of looking at life. She clipped my wings the moment I started taking off. And here I am shamefully reanalyzing myself wondering if I'll ever be able to fly again. Even though it's safer in my hole in the ground. I hope I'll be able to risk taking flight with nobody grounding me again. I love myself now... I just wish I didn't feel like there really is nothing good or special about me. Even though countless people tell me how much I'm admired for my hard work and sensitive/caring nature. All the problems I was going to therapy for turned out just to be who I was. I tried to change every part of my being. I lost myself. Hated being told I was sick. I found out everything thanks to blogs research and these videos. I just can't see myself in a positive light anymore. Am I really that person who was really only thinking about himself. Or was it something doomed to fail wether I committed to action or inaction. I just want to be okay. The confidence in myself was stolen by her. Now I really don't know if I deserve anything worthwhile. Failure is the only thing in my life that derails me. Did I really even try my hardest? Was I only worth her love in the beginning? And if I'm not now. Will I be for anyone in the future? I just don't know sometimes.
I don't expect closure from a narcissistic person at all and most prefer to keep the door open anyway, so they can use their appliances again in the future. ❤
3 years of this with the same guy. This video sums him up perfectly….this was great
The only closure you're going to get is to discard them like a piece of trash first good luck best wishes
Yup.
Grateful to have stumbled upon your channel..Its really been helping me..opening my eyes and striving to heal. Much Love
Your videos are so informative and helpful! I went through that "maybe it will somehow make sense" phase. Trying to keep in touch, at least move to being friends like two adults. Never in my life have I felt more like a fish out of water, confused, embarassed and simply sad, not aware what I am going through. Now it actually does make sense.
You’re glowing!!! Yes this comment was necessary
Thank you for my virtual therapy session and you're always opening my eyes. God bless
I couldn’t make sense of the relationship or the discards. SMH we couldn’t get along in
it and couldn’t get along
ending it either, lol.
The relationship wasn’t logical and neither is the ending. Narcissist is a continuum wherever you’re together or apart. It just goes on and on unless you put your foot down ✋ and keep that door shut 🛑
-Also really glad you said that their repeatedly doing things they know will hurt you. I also thought his hurtful actions were unintentional.
Your channel is truly a blessing. The last year was rough. But channels like yours and a few others, really helped me. Thank you so much. I'm through the grief process. And forgiveness for me, was the final step. I'm still going to watch your videos, and recommend them to others to continue doing what worked for me, as I continue on my journey in life in a positive way. Just wanted to say thanks. 💪💚✞
I has a hard time admitting emotional abuse even though a counselor told me I was being abused almost 19 years prior. I just didn't think she got it... I wish I would've ran from him! It wasn't until I was out of the relationship for a while, after therapy, education and a lot of reflection did I realize the extent of abuse. I was not only abused by him but his family as well. They often, even now, blame others for their own shortcomings, failures, bad behaviors and issues. They appear nice and normal at first. They often draw you in with charm, kindness, toy with your sympathy. Then you start to hear how they talk about others and treat others, how they get people and entities to serve them (and they are very entitled always justify their actions in some needy way even though they are very well off), etc. I wouldn't put it past the dad to trip some homeless single mother of five to get free handouts at church. I hated being around them, they made fun of disabled people, overweight people, poor people, people of various races - behind their back, of course. I am so blessed to be away from that sick circus. It took me a while to go to church because they were church going people and because of how they treated people, it made me question faith.
Unbelievable!!!! you are 100% in my head and speaking to my heart-- I thought I was crazy. THANK YOU 🙏🏽
Dont tell them how you feel neither. They dont care.
It is so disappointing and frustrating. I still can not believe my husband does not really care about me.
No and they will feel good when you have hurt. Dont give them that pleasure.
Thank you so much for this video. I have a friend who really need a to hear this message right now. I am going to send this to her. 🖤
Absolutely and I mean absolutely everything !!! in this video was what I experienced to a T.
My ex said that she never really cared about me, but insisted that she wasn't using me because I was one of the people closest to her. When I said that doesn't make any sense and that she was obviously lying, she got angry at me and double downed on it, insisting that just because she was sleeping with me and didn't care about me, doesn't mean she was using me as a placeholder and that there was something wrong with me for thinking it does. What was most troubling for me after was how many mutual acquaintances and even therapists did not acknowledge her actions as form of abuse, and suggested it was just a "disappointment" or a "misunderstanding", which made it even worse.
You're right, they like to leave the door open so they can come back for a use at any time. Ambiguous. Open to interpretation. They focus carefully on their written words so they can go back and point at them and go see, I said it there.
Gosh this is so so helpful. And I felt like you did after watching your videos! “Wow there a name for that! That’s exactly what I’ve even through!” Thank you so so much.
Your example is spot on. Very similar trivial thing happened that was so outlandish I had a hard time believing it. Crazy’
You game me closure miss. Thank you very much. I have been searching for long on this and now I believe i was on the recieving end of this narcisstic abuse. I was expecting closure. Today I came to know all of this and now I know that all was not my fault. I will try to comply what you have been telling us in this video. Maybe i will heal too in this. Very much thanks to you. You are doing good Job. Keep it up.
Good luck to you and thanks for the help that you have given to me.
100% right there's no life in a narc
Yes. Repeated lying and betrayal IS ABUSE. Let's get that into our heads!
I hope to have a better life !
I hope that for you too! ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo Namaste (thank you in itilan) !
Excellent video. Clear and empathetic, with deep insights about these kind of situations. Thanks for your work : )
I am going through every single thing you said in the beginning of this video!!!
I feel sick. Been through 3 rounds of this I should have listened to you the last time. I couldn't work out if she has a personality disorder or covert narcissist or what. I still don't know but your message is calming.
My Ex, on Dec 20th2020 called to argue with me, i refused to argue, I warned her if she continued i would hang up on her. She then said something i can not recall but also said “Im done” and then hung up on me. Its now 1/4/21’ and i messaged her basically trying to figure things out and no response. She was very narcissistic and also undisciplined. She still lived at home at the age of 25, and her father paid basically for everything. I wouldnt be surprised if he was the one who shelled out the $$ for the boob job she just got in September. But yea.... thank you for these videos. I wasnt even looking for your channel and then i seen one video of yours and am now hooked. Thank you, God bless your heart for bringing clarity to my clouded mind due to this ex of mine. I really thought she was different from all the others. Oh well.
You started by saying "it doesn't matter if the narcissist is your husband, your wife, your sibling, your cousin, your friend... " and like all the videos I've watched on this topic, no one ever says "your CHILD". My son and his ex have abused me by gas-lighting/scapegoating me for years. I didn't even know, all I knew was I was always hurt and confused. One day I had an awakening, and I read a description of scapegoating/gas-lighting and like you I had that AHA moment! I tried last year to have a talk to bring some closure as I want to heal myself and also our relationship from past issues. He ended up storming out in a rage after only about ten minutes, and we'd barely got started! It was over nothing as you say. We haven't talked since. He ignored my birthday and Mother's Day, he usually only calls, no flowers or cards... but total silence. It's his birthday tomorrow, normally I wouldn't sink to his level but I'm thinking of ignoring him too! I've tried for years to make our relationship better, now I'm done. Him and his ex have brainwashed my teenage granddaughter which hurts the most, I'm alone except for them, they're all the family I have, but I'm not willing to be hurt any more. Boundaries are now in place. Going to watch some of your other videos, thank you! ♥
Your channel is really helpful. I'm glad I've found it. Especially because you don't have any other materials that you promote because that s*** fckn raises my nerves.
How can someone that will never admit they are in the wrong give you closure 😐?...
Exactly. She would flat out tell me she was never wrong
@@ridemnt It's against their nature to admit a flaw or that they are in the wrong. No one likes to be wrong, but a narcissist won't even entertain that possibility.
@Eternity With Christ Hopefully the insanity will be identified soon before serious damage is done..
Very good explanation. Explains a lot about her behaviour and my difficulty in getting over her which I couldn't understand..
I moved into a four bedroom home and been setting stuff up. Hope you’ve been well! I’m going to binge Common Ego this weekend for sure! You’re on point with all your videos
To all those reading I advise you do the same. Even last years ones! It’s like reading a book. You’ll be able to apply this knowledge -presented by the lovely Christina- more and more effectively
No doubt
Hey, welcome back! ❤
Common Ego Yes ma’am 🙏🏽
Closure feels impossible when “coparenting.” I find it hard to move on when he continues to lie to me about things, because it takes me back to all of the lies he told when we were together. One way or another, he gets under my skin and seeing him with the new supply is a constant source of agony. Naturally, she is the love of his life and he is falling all over what an amazing person she is. I wish I could remove myself from that narrative, but it feels like he does things to passive aggressively remind me that he’s in my life forever, and she’s everything he needed to make him into the man I wanted him to be.
Have you seen my videos on the new supply? In my more recent video, I talk about how it's a trap to make you feel exactly the way you're describing.
It's much more difficult to get closure when you have to still deal with them, but it's possible ❤🙏
I’ve seen one of them, but not sure it was the most recent. I’ll check it out. Thanks, Christina!
🙏❤
The new supply isn’t the love of his life. She’s some unwitting person that’s going to be his next victim. He’s probably used all the same tired lines on her as he did you. He’s not worth your time, energy or love. The same fate is in for the new woman unless she knows what’s she’s dealing with. I’ve been discarded three times by the same woman for a shiny new toy and none of those shiny new toys worked out. I know this because after each failed romance she has I get hoovered and she flat out tells me what happened. Of course those wonderful amazing new guys she met turned out to be horrible people according to her. Practice going gray rock and take solace in knowing you’ve been there, done that and don’t want any part of him.
You can't leave this empty I am so sorry to hear that. All we can do is stay away as best we can. You deserve better.
When I call my sister out on her rudeness and lies, she tells me I am being emotionally abusive to her, just by pointing out her own actions!! I am making her 'feel bad about herself' so I am abusive. I guess lying to me and being rude to me wouldn't make ME feel bad......that doesn't count!!!
My sister does precisely the same thing! If you call her out on ANYTHING she'll start crying and say you've hurt her feels. I've come to realize a genuine relationship with her is impossible...only the most superficial. She is a very toxic individual.
So many questions but no answer. True ! No Closure.
Sad .
This makes so much sense and helps so much. I think I’m staying because I’m waiting for closure.
Just a side thought, every time I see dislikes on videos like this I just have to assume a narc saw the video and had to dislike it. Lol
Thank you!
Colder than been before! * This.
Such a mesmerizing video from such a beautiful soul! 💙 Can you please share the article? 🙏
Closure is a personal choice the individual must come to terms with to finally get off the emotional see saw. To stop zig zagging and finally move forward, onwards and upwards
Very good words, 🍒
After 8 years since the breakup, I finally initiated the conversation myself today to get the closure, because I’m leaving the country we both live in.
It was a waste of time. I was sad, 8 years on, this person cannot still be nice towards me and give me peace of mind. Friendship however is what is demanded, and as I always did, I declined the offer. I’m sad and I’m also glad my side of the street is at least clean.
Now in bed, thinking and somehow sad, I stumbled upon this video, makes me feel very good to get some insight my heartache. THANK YOU ❤️ 💔 🙏
LOL...so glad you said that about their new, idealized persons hair color! So true! And so illogical!🤔
Intermittent positive reinforcement aka Trauma bond is fascinating bc such contempt...Neurotransmitters + #Narcissist = Never ending Narcissistic Nightmare
They can actually discard you with out leaving you.😳
Yes 7 yrs worth.
An kept letting them bk knowing everytime the hurt jus gts more, worse and deeper. . .
I had a truma bond 🥺
An nw that's all the closer I found I needed a break free.
Stay strong 💛💚🩵💜
I like you ! An amazing topic being discussed. Valid video. Great discussion. Thank you.
I’m glad I’m healing everything you say is true I don’t feel anything for my ex narc it doesn’t feel like what it use to be but I feel better not getting out the relationship.
Been here before so I reached out to her to ask what she wants to do with the last of her stuff (has been over several times to grab it but leaves bits). I’m being proactive this time as I know she’ll be back. She Did it the week after we broke up and I stayed strong on it and instead got guilt tripped.
Since messaging her several days ago she’s not even read it. She’d rather wait until I’m almost gone to come back and breadcrumb.
Exactly.