I almost ended up sabotaging one of the most beautiful gifts life gave to me because of my own trauma. Im so glad I was able to confront my fears. I’ve never been happier. my healthy relationship with my wonderful partner has been such a blessing. I’ve never experienced such deep love, devotion, partnership, and interdependence with someone who is truly authentic and genuine. Life was always scary until I decided it was not going to be my story anymore.
Ameen to that. You took your power back and your partners is sooo blessed that you had the discernment to do that! Quiet a few people get so defensive about the process even if they start on the journey to heal they end up letting the trauma shape shift into a different perspective like, “I’m healing and moving forward so YOU need to understand who and what you have and value it!” Opposed to just honoring the relationship themselves and showing up with the expectations they have of other people!
After the date is over if you like the person with CPTSD(or anyone), please let them know the date went well in a text or voicemail while they're driving home. Mine.. Phew. She got sick so. But wow that was rough. Anxiety heart issue after the date, it was a pretty intense date that I think we made weird because we turned each other on a lot. I think not doing it as well when you're that close can feel like rejection for a man even on a first date. I had to let mine know that the date went well for me first & I was crying while I texted it. I think she's all in physically with me but I have not been a very funny or interesting person in person outside of being thoughtful & nice. On text I think I've done okay. A few calls I think I did, but the calls lately I get choked up because I never want to say what pops into my head. Happened on the first date too everything that popped up in my head was stuff I didn't want to say. I'm going to try and prepare for the second date though so maybe it won't be as bad. I'm hoping it still gets physical because that's going to feel like rejection if it doesn't. Were going out on Saturday, she's the woman of my dreams which unfortunately makes it one of the most difficult people I have ever dated. Easier to feel like you're screwing up constantly & get intoxicated by their awesomeness.
I didn't write the letter, but this LITERALLY happened to me and another person (who also suffered trauma) and we both immediately got in our heads with a "too good to be true" and "waiting for the shoe to drop" feeling. It's so interesting this came out on the exact day he said he felt overwhelmed after having an amazing SIX hour conversation and wonderful in person visit. I also am the "too much" person. If you don't mind, I could really use that hug ❤
Not alone at all. And I've done the sleepovers but no sex a month in with someone I knew I had no functional future with. Boundaries but then also not. It's lonely out here in trauma space. These micro complex relational decisions are not easy. Take it day by day.
I fell for someone who felt like this. It didn't matter how much I tried to tell her that I really cared about her after months of dating, she just couldn't accept being happy and ended up sabotaging the relationship in a particularly cruel way. In the space of a week we went from "you're the greatest thing to ever happen to me" to every excuse in the boo for why we couldn't be together and when she made the switch in her mind, she acted like I never existed. I never fully recovered from that.
This is called splitting. Some personalities show splitting in a matter of hours. Sam Vaknin on UA-cam says that he has seen it in a remarkable way in couples therapy, where a woman emotionally ended the relationship and a few minutes later was flirting with another person. What helps recovery is to put a huge image of an iceberg in your mind and tell yourself what an amazing gift it was that you dodged an ocean of nightmare. You only got to see the tip of the iceberg. Please trust me on this.
....I'm sorry for that experience, but I find it to be a common occurrence, in this day and time .... Because people have overcomplicsted so much about relationships ... it's just kinda mind boggling to me, as I'm older and I believe that the Internet, Social Media and Online dating have ruined the Dating / Relationship Climate . I have experienced the " Self Sabatoger " with a man that " claimed to love me " and the same thing... we have a history together, it's not like I am a total stranger..... but the " Excuse Machine " kicked in and same thing... every excuse that seemed like it " would be bought " . As far as the time frame she referenced, with the guy... " 4 to 5 years " to find out if I'm the person. .. " thier person "...No. I'm not wasting that kind of time , which doesn't mean that I want to run off with them within 2 months time. ... but 8 months to a year or a bit longer is a good gauge of knowing if you are SERIOUS about a person.
The same thing happened to me, met this man, and it was grand and we were very suited for each other , we did fall in love and did some exciting things and were suited as sapiosexuals, and never ever in his or my life, such an experience and next day, I was so happy and on porch in fresh air and feeling mighty good and he came out and was sweet and we kissed and then within less than 5 minutes he went from Dr. Jekly to Mr. Hyde ! It was so fff up and he went to his laptop , sat down and I was dismissed, so told him do not ff this up, you will never have another chance , but no he would not respond, so got in my Suv and drove away, and he came out smiling as if nothing had happened , but when he tried to contact me , told him , I do not have time to try to civilized another feral male! I had learned if someone does that , then the only conclusion is that I was love bombed by a narcissistic soul-less vampire ! And sometimes I think on him and wonder why would you have fff something so fine and just take a shit on it, my mother was like that , so knew who he was and that it was useless to try as they cannot love anyone and it is all about their ego and they love no one ever but will take your energy , call them energy vampires ! So like you , never recovered. Damn it hurt!
:(..... I don't understand how people can say they love you, want family with you and live together.. Then turn around and ghost... Why on earth would anyone do such things.
I understand exactly what the letter writer is saying, and feel for her. The minute someone shows any interest in me whatsoever, I panic and run away. The anxiety is too much.
Omg. She is saying EVERYTHING i feel. The anxiety … and the anxiety of having anxiety ….and the anxiety of emitting bad energy. It’s. THEEEE WORSTTT. it’s overwhelming and scary. I feel for you Rachel. ❤
Something that's helped me change my mindset around dating is reminding myself that I don't know this person. It kinda creates a soft cushion mentally so I can enjoy their company while reminding myself that there's still so much I don't know about them and they could be crazy lol it also helps if I can laugh at myself a little too ❤
I hate these confused emotions we get when we've got serious trust issues. It's so exhausting. I'm so tired of pushing people away when things are going well because I can't stand waiting for the traumatic and/or abandonment shoe to drop. Or going too fast and then not being able to gauge genuine interest. Going slow but not too slow... or backwards! Whew.
When I first started dating my boyfriend or 6 months I had to leave his house during dinner because I had this overwhelming depression and urge to cry, for no reason… I felt like I was mourning the end of the relationship before it even began. Or something like that. I’m on the avoidant side of attachment trauma so I don’t get that emotional high, desperate feeling… I just feel anxious and uncertain and always find it hard to commit. I overthink if the other person is right for me or if I just want to be alone. Being in a relationship is just anxious because I feel safest and most at peace when I’m truly truly alone. I always say I want to run off into the mountains and just live amongst the river and the trees. To me that symbolizes true inner peace. But I know now that is mostly my attachment trauma talking.
The thing about initial dates and getting to know someone is that it is low stakes. They don’t know you, you don’t know them. You are both determining if you are compatible. If they leave, of course it is disappointing. But I know I had a habit of thinking of all the things we could be, instead of what actually was happening. Once I started dating with the intention of getting to know and bond instead of just picking a person I liked and trying to make it work, it is easier to know when someone is projecting things on you and vice versa. Like, if someone goes on one date with you and says they love you, that’s sus. Cause they can’t possibly know that. Easier said than done, but dating goes a lot better when you can stay in your body and really listen to what is happening. So if someone comes up and says, “I’m not looking for a relationship.” You can say, “okay, no thanks.” (Or whatever your response truly would be)
I had this realisation today. I would have never been with any of my exes if I knew the things I know today. I wouldn't even be attracted to them. This realision is extremely empowering. It tells me there's a reason I haven't met my person yet. You're helping so many people❤
How amazing is this! I have such a clearer idea of my needs and healthy behaviour now that I am totally with you! I still need to double check with myself when I am attracted to someone and step back and evaluate but I feel I am getting there also. Well done 👍
I’m an anxiously preoccupied attached male and recently walked away from a fearfully avoidant attached female. She was like an absolute drug to me. When she did that hot cold push pull stuff it wrecked me. That abandonment melange is absolutely real. I was triggered and lit up like a Christmas tree. My whole world fell apart but knew I had to walk away and close the door forever. Changed jobs, city, number, shut off social media and just walked away. Limerance and attachment trauma is very real !
That took some strength to walk away. Good for you! "I was triggered and lit up like a Christmas tree" -- that sounds like a chemical reaction in the brain. What options does a person have when that's happening, other than disengaging and withdrawing? When you can't trust your brain, I suppose you have to call on your will.
@@sophiareed8266 it definitely is a chemical reaction as a result of abandonment melange. The shot of adrenaline leads to the primal panic then floods of cortisol lead to the heavy depression and longing. You wait for them to validate you so you can get that drug of oxytocin. She would tell me no one ever treated her so well and everyone has abandoned her. Because I was so kind and loving and committed she had to reject it. It’s terrifying to an avoidant. She would rather long and chase a guy that would treat her like garbage because someone like that is safe. They would never commit so the engulfment wound never gets activated. I would really only hear from her at the end when I started pulling away because that’s typical of fearful avoidance. It’s the come here go away thing. Then I seen her dating profile and it crushed me. It was the most painful thing I’d ever seen or felt in my life. I’m grieving horribly now but it’s also from my childhood. Limerance, melange, and abandonment wounds are very real. You need a lot of mindfulness and self compassion to get through it.
I wish I would’ve found this channel 5 years ago! It would’ve saved me from YEARS of heartache from rushing into relationships that were no good for me! Just glad I’m here now and that I finally have the words to describe what is happening with me! All thanks to the childhood fairy 🧚! ✨
For me, even thinking too much about having romantic relationship causes me to have days long pain spells. For now, I have decided not to push myself into dating because of that, even if my heart wants it. I just don't trust myself not to ruin the relationship and cause harm to me and others.
“You can wait until the music arises out of the piano.” ( Instead making the cat walk through the keyboard bc you’re impatient.) As a pianist, I sure won’t forget this message, thank you!
My last relationship began 23 years ago and ended three years ago. I only recognised my deep attachment wound after we split up when I reflected on how we first met. He literally swept me off my feet and told me he loved me a week after meeting. It was intoxicating to be wanted so much, but none of it was real, not at the beginning nor 20 years on. That’s the hardest thing to reconcile with now. But trauma attracted trauma.
I've experienced the exact same thing within my 20 year relationship. None of it was real from the beginning and I ended up with a very skilled Narc. However I know I attracted this person to me was the perfect prey due the low insecure place I was in my life at that time and we both trauma-bonded. I had attachment and self-worth issues.
@@sunnidayz856 Sunni, I’ve wondered if my ex is a narcissist, but I’m always hesitant to place a label on anyone else. However, the love bombing and the way he discarded me like a piece of trash are characteristics of narcissistic behaviour, from what I’ve read. I believe my ex was attracted to me because I had a good career, a good job, and a small inheritance. I was also hungry for love and had gigantic self-esteem issues. It sounds like we went through similar things, and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Are you still in the relationship? ❤️
@@designchik I'm currently separated as we speak and filing for divorce once the one year separation is done in June. I'm so ready to move on and receive the rest of my blessings that were blocked because of my ties to him.
@@sunnidayz856 I’m so happy to hear that you’re not together anymore. I thought I would never make it without him when he dumped me for another woman, and I didn’t think it was possible for a heart to hurt so much. But three years on, I’m so happy he ended it because I would never have had the courage to do it. I haven’t met anyone else, and I’m not sure I want to. But when I open my apartment door at night and am greeted by my dog and cat, I’m happy he is no longer in my life. I wish the same for you. ❤️☺️
New relationship?! Hell, I don't even get that far. I begin the process of pushing ppl away once I see things are going in the direction of a relationship. Step one is always being focused on the small things about them I don't like. It can be minor things like the way they laugh or them asking me a question when I'm watching something. Now, let that person give me mixed messages and not show up when I need them. I'm all into them. I seem to lean heavily into limerence. I know why, that has always been the dynamic in my relationship with my mother. Who only had kids because of society and not because she wanted kids, she lived her life like I didn't exist.
Reminded me how I developed limerance for a girl at work, then she started noticing I'm into her and showed some initiative. Next day she said hello to me and I got so overwhelmed that couldn't make even a slight noise in return and of course she thought I made it on purpose because what normal person would have a problem with saying hello? This really sent me spiralling and since then my self sabotage has been only getting worse until I lost any hope of getting together with her and embarrassed myself to the point it was almost unbearable to show up at work.
~I think maybe from watching you & another dating expert guy, i have finally, after 50 years of relationships, learned to appreciate qualities like, being supportive, being caring & attentive, not pushing sex, being helpful, noticing & liking things about me, instead of only wanting hotness!~Im dating a guy now with those qualities & i really see the value in it in a new way!~
For me it's beyond dating. I have determined I will never date again. I dread the thought of the anxiety it creates. But this also applies to me with other relationships, like catching up with an old friend. I over share, then beat myself up and assume the worst. I'm too much. My trauma therapist and I have discussed it and it's because of a lifetime of gaslighting. I've seen the same reaction from most of my friends who also have lived through trauma. We always feel like we have to explain, over-explain, to undo the lies that have been spread about us. Always on the defense. That's a hard thing to work through, but I think so much of what we feel is caught up in the sympathetic nervous system being in overdrive. I worked on that and used a device at a physical therapy clinic that taught it to calm down and let the parasympathetic nervous system do its job: allow me to rest and recover. I said I will never date again, at least I don't see that in the future. But I also didn't believe it was possible for the healing I've received, so far. So I'm learning to not set a limit on what's possible.
Yes, I spent a few years after a horrific life changing trauma oversharing like crazy. Through my healing, I asked myself over and over again, what could a listener really say or do, what did I actually need?? Eventually I took ownership of me, myself and started to really dig into everything that I had not been brave enough to look at. It has been a long journey, but I do not lay my complex journey on just anybody. The thing I remind myself is, the story and person that I was last month, or last week is a little different as I am growing and healing. But it was OK that I was an open sore, for so long. That was my journey.
@@marierose6792 thank you. Great information. In my healing I'm starting to be more aware of what comes out of my mouth. Yes, I still overshare, but I'm feeling that I don't have to have the last word. I don't always have to correct the record. I never thought that would be possible. But again, I give most of the credit to repairing my nervous system. I have used so many modalities for over three years. It took all of them, because no single modality is responsible for all the changes. It has just been amazing. Setting boundaries? That was like some pie-in-the-sky notion. I had no clue how that went. But now, I immediately feel this halting sensation. Like oh no. Stop it. You're not allowed to do this to me. I don't panic, I don't get anxious. It's something that rubs me the wrong way. That has been an exciting thing.
@@OnlyTheBest345 Boundaries??? Oh my goodness!!! I am so automatically agreeable... it is totally actually false at times. I made some new friends that have modelled for me a completely different approach. They were councillors in their careers. They will say NO quite readily but more importantly they say, "Let me think about it". The anxiety is very high when faced with disappointing people. Saying no as a child was not even a thing. Stay strong.
Thanks so much … sounds like the person I was interested in about dates being “too much expectations”… If you wouldn’t mind, what would be the best way if there’s any to try to reconnect with someone like you after being pushed away? I have faith in the person and am willing to wait. Is there anything I could do to help through that fear of “dates” or general closeness anxiety? Any idea how long it might take to wait? Months? Years?
There was someone who was genuinely lovely and interested in me, but I was so triggered and dysregulated at the time that I just could not form good relationships. He’s since moved on and I feel so regretful, I feel like there will never be anyone else so kind, stable, actually real. Instead I usually attract people who are abusive or who are also traumatised like me, and it makes the relationship difficult to navigate. I also feel unlovable
This is exactly what happened to me a few months ago with a guy I had a crush on. We moved too fast, and I ended up sabotaging the connection because I couldn’t take it anymore. I literally felt like I was going insane. I’ll be using the tips from this video in the future. Thank you.
The thought that makes waiting like that so very painful is "What if they're just afraid? What if they're waiting for me to give another signal?" Because I am always anxious around that sort of thing, and I've shied away from following a signal more than once myself, believing to have overinterpreted them.
oh my goodness, i have been waiting for years to see someone talk about this, I thought i was insane but this woman seems to be experiencing the exact same issue i have!! I'm literally crying
I disagree that him not calling when he says he will is him “taking it slow.” If he wasn’t ready to talk on the phone that day he should have said something or made an excuse (something Anna regularly greenlights for “us” to do). Not following through on a commitment is called being flakey 🤷🏻♀️
I feel for her. Same for me. Had two crappy narcissistic parents and my mom abandoned me. Once someone shows too much affection towards me all my red flags go up and I sabotage at all costs. But yet I don’t like someone who doesn’t show me enough attention. What is the happy medium?? I also don’t want to be smothered with affection because it ends up creeping me out. If I feel my sense of independence being stifled, I shut down. Childhood trauma is a b!%#*.
I always freak out BIG time when I start getting close to someone while dating, especially after about three months when the initial excitement wears off. Usually, I'd just call it quits and convince myself that "this isn't the one," and then I'd start nitpicking at every little flaw they had, making it sound like I was totally justified. Now I'm 29, still single, and haven't had any real long-term relationships. So, guess what? I'm finally taking the plunge and starting therapy soon.
This explains how I ended up pregnant twice by men I did not love or barely knew. This is great information to heal but you are forced to really look at yourself
Thank You, I needed this material. I am struggling very much with anxiety in my new relationship. It causes me to sabotage my own happiness because I am so scared of being hurt again.
Great advice, Anna. But he's most likely not calling her because she did not sleep with him. When you sleepover with a man he expects certain things so he probably feels teased, thinks she does this with everybody or maybe he didn't care for her and he's seeing somebody else. If you've already fooled around then there is really no "going to lunch" or taking it slow. He probably had a nice time and thinks that she did also but I think when he gets around to calling her it will be only for one thing .🤷🏻♀️
My ex and i broke up over this. I was getting triggered and recently discovered i have sexual trauma. He is a wonderful, amazing man, but i feel that im not apt for him until i confront my past but im glad that this video is here to reassure me im not the only one who feels this way too.
great video, thanks. I'm a catastrophiser, and anything really good that happens soon collapses into the abandonment melange. Had a very insecure background. Now, aged 63 I'm challenging my own need to sabotage good things. I've meet some kind, self-aware women and instead of running away, i'm taking my own little kid's (me) hand and reassuring him that good things are allowable, if I give them a chance to happen. The risk is that is might not work out, but not giving it a chance only leads to one outcome. Wish I'd got here earlier, but it's never too late, though have to be prepared to face the grief of what might have been.
Omg this is me 100%. I can’t even have a hookup without running on fight or flight afterwards and then depression for a week, even when it was a good experience, dating is even worse
I usually just take about 2-3 days to internally recover from social experiences and recharge, due to being an introvert (except lifelong people, like sibs) without necessarily being trauma triggered....but it does get to me
I have cptsd and ive never felt MORE heard and understood than right here right now , this is a video i really needed. I feel so alone all the time, with or without relationships😢 thank you so much
Iv dated a guy for a while now and its been great so far, BUT Iv gotten so afraid if him leaving (unfounded fear) and all kinds of crazy. Thank you so much for this video Anna this was just what I needed ❤
Anna, thank you again. Your videos are REALLY hitting home now that I am a daily practice (x2/day) user. Wow. I feel like I can hear more of what you are sharing now. I have been a fan for years and have had one course and plan for more. Since I have been watching for years, I can say, you have never looked better, happier, or more confident (delivering with strength) of what you are giving us. Thanks so much. Your progress and growth gives me happiness and hope for myself. Your talk on good and evil was deep, brave, and on point for me. I hope everyone can gain from it. It must be said. Every question I have about behavior and healing seems to match a video you have. Imagine that! Thanks again.
This is not a criticism. She shouldn’t have had a sleepover (even though it wasn’t sexual) with a new person. She went too fast for herself and it triggered an anxiety attack and mood collapse that we can all relate to. The mental suffering she experienced was just awful. I've experienced that! I am speaking from my own experience of doing this same thing she described with a new relationship.
While I think that could help, I don’t think it is a rule. She had talked to him and gotten to know him for a while before the sleep over. I think when you have severe relationship anxiety, that will come whenever there is a big new step. You can look in retrospect and think, “I probably rushed that,” but it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed or you are. You can only do what you can.
@@mintyhippo8125 You have a good point Minty Hippo but I believe that her anxiety and mood collapse and the ensuing extreme mental suffering could have been avoided or at least mitigated if she had waited and gotten to know him better in person before having a sleepover. She was pushing herself and her mental health too hard. This is my opinion based on my experience.
Wow You're very good Anna. Because I've been in a relationship for 2 years and broken up with her 8 times and left Toronto in February 2024. Back I'm Ottawa area. Living with my son. And my girlfriend really loves me Anna. I' grew up wanting to live with my friends because theur mothers were nice and kind hearted. So I was really envious of my friends.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart - someone who articulates beautifully what I have been struggling with for too many years. So much wisdom, safety and healing here. Thank you ❤
Rarely do I comment but this video was just what I needed. Thank you so much for all that you do, you are literally changing lives with your words, knowledge and experience ❤
I needed this a few weeks ago before deciding to go to another city to visit a guy that is openly not available for a relationship and actively friend with benefits-zoned me. Took the disappointment to help burst the bubble and snap out of it, but intimacy is certainly a slippery slope for people like us. It really feels like the end of the world when it doesn't work, even when intellectually you're primed for it... Anna, your videos have opened my eyes. Thank you so much!
I found your channel a week ago by chance. Life changing. Thanks. Something you said in this video was a lightbulb moment, sometimes we’ll do anything to not have to go through the pain again. I identified with this but from the perspective of not wanting to risk connecting in the first place, opting instead to remain alone
Saturday morning a lady gave me a hug and I bolted. Trying to build the courage to go knock on her door and attempt to have a conversation with her. Very tender lady.
The panic has to do, for me, is the one sided question, "What if they do not LIKE me???" and not pay any attention to its flip question, " What if I do not LIKE them"????? You do not know that yet. I have met many new friends in the last 6 years and having gotten to know them better and more fully, I smile when I think back to what the impression of them was in the beginning. I always put folks on a pedestal and have an optimistic love fest, of sorts. I have not discarded them, but my first impressions were a little skewed. Falling for someone actually hurts, which explains the terms, "Falling or hit by lightening or in some cultures a little death etc.
You 'hit the spot' as always with your 'relational' wisdoms of 'emotional availability' vs ' fantasy projecting'...thank you for your Service, stay Blessed 🙏🌹
I have had these reactiions in numerous situations at the beginning of intimate relationships and Rachel's experience mirrors what I have gone through. it's a horrible experience. Thank you for explaining what I went through. It's a revelation and extremely helpful.
This is my first comment.. I’ve followed you for 4 years and to start with it your wisdom made my head spin! It was all too much for my mind and heart to handle.. now I’m hearing and am able to absorb, relate and nod when listening to your wisdom. 🎉 this video has resonated with me, your words really landed! I’m on a sabbatical from dating and two years into it.. I’m learning to like myself and to live more easily with myself which is a relief! When I do start dating again I will do your course on dating first and take it slowly… a cup at a time, to see if this person is a good fit, not a crap fit for me! My abandonment wound and attachment wound is very raw, painful and is easily disturbed when I’m not on my side and not taking the time out to help me understand better why I act, behave and respond the way I do (have done) with romantic and non romantic partners in the past. I have started using your daily practice and it does work! I intend to do it daily.. and I will continue to follow you Anna - with gratitude, many many thanks for all you do ❤️
Anna, I got mad about a potential man just telling me he did not like being called "bro". For me, bro is an endearment. I was relaxed and we were laughing and it just came out. I feel I could be irrational, for being hurt, yet I am pissed. There are a few other things I see that put me off also. It is not what he said that was so bad, it is ok to say how you feel, it is how he said it. Red flags went off and I was mad and sad because I knew immediately this will not work. Not now at least. I was quite taken by him. However, he is moving really fast. I can't do this. Thanks as always for helping me see things clearly.❣
I keep thinking I want a relationship but every time I start to get anyone interested in me or they start to get interested in me I should say I immediately start backing away
I just love you so much, Anna, you are a true savior and I feel like I'm healing just by watching you. I send you huge hugs and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these videos. They save me every single time I'm drowning in myself and bad times. Keep being this amazing Lighthouse for many of us that are in complete darkness.
Oh wow do I relate to this… the question she asked about whether this was her intuition or cptsd is a question I asked myself many times while I attempted to have a relationship too soon after my marriage ended… sheesh 😒 haha it’s terrible the yo-yoing. I need to become emotionally grounded and should take your course. I’ve been celibate and not dating since. So grateful for your channel and this valuable information. It’s so tough to navigate these things… I need to get your membership! Love and shalom crappy childhood fairy and family. 💕✨🕊️🌈
I found if i dont let them touch me. (No fooling around) that helps. Touching too soon is pushing something that truly knowing someone doesnt replace. Weird thinking. But it helps not give too much too soon
Thankyou for writing this letter..you have most probably saved me from a tonne of pain 🤍🙏 And Anna..the gratitude I feel for you is difficult to put into words. 🙏🙌🤍 Taking notes and sitting on my throne 😌✌️
I do not mistreat a man, nor do I have any of these issues, however, I do have extreme anxiety when I first start dating someone. So much so I usually start loosing weight unintentionally...
This can be done… I sat on my hands and had therapy on the side during dating. (I did slip up a couple of times, over anxious but explained and did not not push away, rather leaned in and yes it was very difficult and vulnerable ) we made it to 1 year three months… in relationship. The anxiety all the way through was real but I was not going to let it defeat me. As long as this person showed up for me the more I trusted it and a new pattern was being made. Unfortunately the relationship didn’t last and we broke up 5 weeks ago. (He had ended it twice prior) and I told him should it happen again I would not be back due to my healing and wanting to take it seriously. (They are on there own healing path too) I should have probably left the second time… but I understand we are all healing and there were no other red flags… we both had attachment stuff. I have come away with some more knowledge now… and learning to be super compassionate with myself. I believe it can be healed… in time and in corrective relationships ❤ Thank you xxxx
Hi Anna. I just had an amazing date with someone last night. Toward the end I started getting overwhelmed. I feel this way today.... The abandonment melange! Thank you so much for this video. It is what I needed to hear.
I want to celebrate that i felt i experience abandonment melange every time i have connected with someone. I don't have friends never had. That's why some part of me is in need and searching... I celebrate feeling this intense mixture of emotions because i have been really disconnected to my emotions. And now I'm emotionally aware? Capable to notice and feel it 🥳 i can Detangle the fear, the anger and the grief. The deep longing for connection type of grief in the here and now and the resonating grief for what never happened in my life due to circumstances. Connection. With not someone where i feel the need to twist me into a pretzel to prevent further demages. Thank you for this video Anna. And thank you Rachel for reaching out and finding words that resonate with me and so many others. That's a thing too. My mouth goes numb and i can't even find words in my head to write down because some part of me creates a numbing mist thats evaporating through my whole beeing if i even come near a once traumatic experience. You shall not pass! and i drown my reaction is to kind of freeze? Shut down?, I'm stunned by the overwhelm that takes over my body. I'm grateful for every person who writes that beautifully collected over her or his experiences. You give words to those who aren't enabled to do so by theyr own. That's so beautiful. 🙏
I had a huge realization the other day. I like(?) this guy who lives in the apartment building I live in but he always hurts my feelings and pisses me off. So I'm asking myself why would you like someone that hurts your feelings...I don't!! I really am proud of myself because I saw him for who he was. 😊
This was a very helpful video from both perspectives, Rachel and the guy she wrote about. I have an abandonment wound too. I’ve been confronted by it recently and it’s tricky to navigate. However, I’ve heard the “go slow,” “the nervous system likes slow” so many times from people I look up to that have healed (much further along) and I thinks it’s true. Take it slow.
Love your channel ❤ Can you make a video on how to make up when both have trauma wounds and were triggered? So crazy, out of proportion lashing outs. Should we explain about trauma wounds in apologising or keep it simple?
Wow, right now that is sooo helpful. A guy I know from work actively searched or asked for my address and then put a cute postcard in my letter box with his phone number on it. First I got really anxious because I'm so afraid of my relationship patterns and I don't want to be hurt again. Then I was flattered. I asked myself whether I should write or ignore him but I want to learn to embrace life and not hide anymore. I know it is a huge chunk I will have to chew on and maybe it turns out to be the same old stuff but I really want to learn how to act and see things differently. So thank you so much for your advice. It is appreciated so much.❤ ❤❤
Thank you for sharing! You can keep centered thru this adventure with the free Daily Practice. And if you want to go deeper, you can check out Anna's Dating & Relationships course. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Dating Course: bit.ly/CCF-Dating Julie@TeamFairy
Oh my goodness… I’ve watched ALL of your videos and needless to say, I relate! This one however, someone broke through on a whole other level. All of this lands completely, vividly, clearly. Wow Anna, thank you so much!!
grateful today for you and Pete Walker. All the years I did not know this word, even with ACOA meetings. So relatable. Still experiencing it, just aware now its happening.
Thank god I found you!!!!! This is soooooo meeeeeeeee! 😢😢😢😢😢 gosh I have so many wounds that I am learning about right now. I recently let my anxious attachment draw me back to a narcissistic ex and now he’s gone again and I am just beside myself. I feel like I am back at square 1. And I wonder can I ever date again will someone love me will I be healed. This was an eye opener to always slow down before getting with someone. I love the “sitting on my throne theory” 😅 that’s how I will approach any relationship friends or romantic. How may I help you? And what are you here for? Show me 😂
I almost ended up sabotaging one of the most beautiful gifts life gave to me because of my own trauma. Im so glad I was able to confront my fears. I’ve never been happier. my healthy relationship with my wonderful partner has been such a blessing. I’ve never experienced such deep love, devotion, partnership, and interdependence with someone who is truly authentic and genuine.
Life was always scary until I decided it was not going to be my story anymore.
So good that you got there. Well done.
Any tips for your partner or a partner of a CPTSD?
Yes yes yes!!! Same here and yes it is wonderful!!!!!! So happy for you!
Ameen to that. You took your power back and your partners is sooo blessed that you had the discernment to do that! Quiet a few people get so defensive about the process even if they start on the journey to heal they end up letting the trauma shape shift into a different perspective like, “I’m healing and moving forward so YOU need to understand who and what you have and value it!” Opposed to just honoring the relationship themselves and showing up with the expectations they have of other people!
After the date is over if you like the person with CPTSD(or anyone), please let them know the date went well in a text or voicemail while they're driving home. Mine.. Phew. She got sick so. But wow that was rough. Anxiety heart issue after the date, it was a pretty intense date that I think we made weird because we turned each other on a lot. I think not doing it as well when you're that close can feel like rejection for a man even on a first date. I had to let mine know that the date went well for me first & I was crying while I texted it. I think she's all in physically with me but I have not been a very funny or interesting person in person outside of being thoughtful & nice. On text I think I've done okay. A few calls I think I did, but the calls lately I get choked up because I never want to say what pops into my head. Happened on the first date too everything that popped up in my head was stuff I didn't want to say. I'm going to try and prepare for the second date though so maybe it won't be as bad. I'm hoping it still gets physical because that's going to feel like rejection if it doesn't. Were going out on Saturday, she's the woman of my dreams which unfortunately makes it one of the most difficult people I have ever dated. Easier to feel like you're screwing up constantly & get intoxicated by their awesomeness.
I just want to give a hug to the person who wrote this letter. You are not alone ❤️
You're really not 😕
I didn't write the letter, but this LITERALLY happened to me and another person (who also suffered trauma) and we both immediately got in our heads with a "too good to be true" and "waiting for the shoe to drop" feeling. It's so interesting this came out on the exact day he said he felt overwhelmed after having an amazing SIX hour conversation and wonderful in person visit. I also am the "too much" person.
If you don't mind, I could really use that hug ❤
@@jenniferlee1410 ❤
@@lucidneptune thank you 💜
Not alone at all. And I've done the sleepovers but no sex a month in with someone I knew I had no functional future with. Boundaries but then also not. It's lonely out here in trauma space. These micro complex relational decisions are not easy. Take it day by day.
I fell for someone who felt like this. It didn't matter how much I tried to tell her that I really cared about her after months of dating, she just couldn't accept being happy and ended up sabotaging the relationship in a particularly cruel way. In the space of a week we went from "you're the greatest thing to ever happen to me" to every excuse in the boo for why we couldn't be together and when she made the switch in her mind, she acted like I never existed. I never fully recovered from that.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I can see myself doing that and that's why I will stay single. Relationships are too difficult to handle.
This is called splitting. Some personalities show splitting in a matter of hours. Sam Vaknin on UA-cam says that he has seen it in a remarkable way in couples therapy, where a woman emotionally ended the relationship and a few minutes later was flirting with another person. What helps recovery is to put a huge image of an iceberg in your mind and tell yourself what an amazing gift it was that you dodged an ocean of nightmare. You only got to see the tip of the iceberg. Please trust me on this.
....I'm sorry for that experience, but I find it to be a common occurrence, in this day and time .... Because people have overcomplicsted so much about relationships ... it's just kinda mind boggling to me, as I'm older and I believe that the Internet, Social Media and Online dating have ruined the Dating / Relationship Climate . I have experienced the " Self Sabatoger " with a man that " claimed to love me " and the same thing... we have a history together, it's not like I am a total stranger..... but the " Excuse Machine " kicked in and same thing... every excuse that seemed like it " would be bought " .
As far as the time frame she referenced, with the guy... " 4 to 5 years " to find out if I'm the person. .. " thier person "...No.
I'm not wasting that kind of time , which doesn't mean that I want to run off with them within 2 months time. ... but 8 months to a year or a bit longer is a good gauge of knowing if you are SERIOUS about a person.
The same thing happened to me, met this man, and it was grand and we were very suited for each other , we did fall in love and did some exciting things and were suited as sapiosexuals, and never ever in his or my life, such an experience and next day, I was so happy and on porch in fresh air and feeling mighty good and he came out and was sweet and we kissed and then within less than 5 minutes he went from Dr. Jekly to Mr. Hyde ! It was so fff up and he went to his laptop , sat down and I was dismissed, so told him do not ff this up, you will never have another chance , but no he would not respond, so got in my Suv and drove away, and he came out smiling as if nothing had happened , but when he tried to contact me , told him , I do not have time to try to civilized another feral male! I had learned if someone does that , then the only conclusion is that I was love bombed by a narcissistic soul-less vampire ! And sometimes I think on him and wonder why would you have fff something so fine and just take a shit on it, my mother was like that , so knew who he was and that it was useless to try as they cannot love anyone and it is all about their ego and they love no one ever but will take your energy , call them energy vampires ! So like you , never recovered. Damn it hurt!
:(..... I don't understand how people can say they love you, want family with you and live together.. Then turn around and ghost... Why on earth would anyone do such things.
I understand exactly what the letter writer is saying, and feel for her. The minute someone shows any interest in me whatsoever, I panic and run away. The anxiety is too much.
Maybe the daily practice will help because we all have fears but with CPTSD, they feel like the end of the world.
Same. How do we fix this?
I sooooo totally feel you.
Omg. She is saying EVERYTHING i feel. The anxiety … and the anxiety of having anxiety ….and the anxiety of emitting bad energy. It’s. THEEEE WORSTTT. it’s overwhelming and scary. I feel for you Rachel. ❤
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Something that's helped me change my mindset around dating is reminding myself that I don't know this person. It kinda creates a soft cushion mentally so I can enjoy their company while reminding myself that there's still so much I don't know about them and they could be crazy lol it also helps if I can laugh at myself a little too ❤
Thank you...I also just started that too now.
I hate these confused emotions we get when we've got serious trust issues. It's so exhausting. I'm so tired of pushing people away when things are going well because I can't stand waiting for the traumatic and/or abandonment shoe to drop. Or going too fast and then not being able to gauge genuine interest.
Going slow but not too slow... or backwards! Whew.
I'm literally sitting in a restaurant waiting for my date to show up for our first date. 😂 the youtube algorithm gives 0 Fs
When I first started dating my boyfriend or 6 months I had to leave his house during dinner because I had this overwhelming depression and urge to cry, for no reason… I felt like I was mourning the end of the relationship before it even began. Or something like that. I’m on the avoidant side of attachment trauma so I don’t get that emotional high, desperate feeling… I just feel anxious and uncertain and always find it hard to commit. I overthink if the other person is right for me or if I just want to be alone. Being in a relationship is just anxious because I feel safest and most at peace when I’m truly truly alone. I always say I want to run off into the mountains and just live amongst the river and the trees. To me that symbolizes true inner peace. But I know now that is mostly my attachment trauma talking.
The thing about initial dates and getting to know someone is that it is low stakes. They don’t know you, you don’t know them. You are both determining if you are compatible. If they leave, of course it is disappointing. But I know I had a habit of thinking of all the things we could be, instead of what actually was happening.
Once I started dating with the intention of getting to know and bond instead of just picking a person I liked and trying to make it work, it is easier to know when someone is projecting things on you and vice versa.
Like, if someone goes on one date with you and says they love you, that’s sus. Cause they can’t possibly know that.
Easier said than done, but dating goes a lot better when you can stay in your body and really listen to what is happening. So if someone comes up and says, “I’m not looking for a relationship.” You can say, “okay, no thanks.” (Or whatever your response truly would be)
100% me
Wise words
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I had this realisation today. I would have never been with any of my exes if I knew the things I know today. I wouldn't even be attracted to them. This realision is extremely empowering. It tells me there's a reason I haven't met my person yet.
You're helping so many people❤
I'm so glad! Thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
How amazing is this! I have such a clearer idea of my needs and healthy behaviour now that I am totally with you! I still need to double check with myself when I am attracted to someone and step back and evaluate but I feel I am getting there also. Well done 👍
I’m an anxiously preoccupied attached male and recently walked away from a fearfully avoidant attached female. She was like an absolute drug to me. When she did that hot cold push pull stuff it wrecked me. That abandonment melange is absolutely real. I was triggered and lit up like a Christmas tree. My whole world fell apart but knew I had to walk away and close the door forever. Changed jobs, city, number, shut off social media and just walked away. Limerance and attachment trauma is very real !
Yo this lol
That took some strength to walk away. Good for you! "I was triggered and lit up like a Christmas tree" -- that sounds like a chemical reaction in the brain. What options does a person have when that's happening, other than disengaging and withdrawing? When you can't trust your brain, I suppose you have to call on your will.
@@sophiareed8266 it definitely is a chemical reaction as a result of abandonment melange. The shot of adrenaline leads to the primal panic then floods of cortisol lead to the heavy depression and longing. You wait for them to validate you so you can get that drug of oxytocin. She would tell me no one ever treated her so well and everyone has abandoned her. Because I was so kind and loving and committed she had to reject it. It’s terrifying to an avoidant. She would rather long and chase a guy that would treat her like garbage because someone like that is safe. They would never commit so the engulfment wound never gets activated. I would really only hear from her at the end when I started pulling away because that’s typical of fearful avoidance. It’s the come here go away thing. Then I seen her dating profile and it crushed me. It was the most painful thing I’d ever seen or felt in my life. I’m grieving horribly now but it’s also from my childhood. Limerance, melange, and abandonment wounds are very real. You need a lot of mindfulness and self compassion to get through it.
I wish I would’ve found this channel 5 years ago! It would’ve saved me from YEARS of heartache from rushing into relationships that were no good for me! Just glad I’m here now and that I finally have the words to describe what is happening with me! All thanks to the childhood fairy 🧚! ✨
For me, even thinking too much about having romantic relationship causes me to have days long pain spells.
For now, I have decided not to push myself into dating because of that, even if my heart wants it.
I just don't trust myself not to ruin the relationship and cause harm to me and others.
Fuck, who are you, my mirror
“You can wait until the music arises out of the piano.” ( Instead making the cat walk through the keyboard bc you’re impatient.)
As a pianist, I sure won’t forget this message, thank you!
My last relationship began 23 years ago and ended three years ago. I only recognised my deep attachment wound after we split up when I reflected on how we first met. He literally swept me off my feet and told me he loved me a week after meeting. It was intoxicating to be wanted so much, but none of it was real, not at the beginning nor 20 years on. That’s the hardest thing to reconcile with now. But trauma attracted trauma.
I've experienced the exact same thing within my 20 year relationship. None of it was real from the beginning and I ended up with a very skilled Narc. However I know I attracted this person to me was the perfect prey due the low insecure place I was in my life at that time and we both trauma-bonded. I had attachment and self-worth issues.
@@sunnidayz856 Sunni, I’ve wondered if my ex is a narcissist, but I’m always hesitant to place a label on anyone else. However, the love bombing and the way he discarded me like a piece of trash are characteristics of narcissistic behaviour, from what I’ve read. I believe my ex was attracted to me because I had a good career, a good job, and a small inheritance. I was also hungry for love and had gigantic self-esteem issues. It sounds like we went through similar things, and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Are you still in the relationship? ❤️
@@designchik I'm currently separated as we speak and filing for divorce once the one year separation is done in June. I'm so ready to move on and receive the rest of my blessings that were blocked because of my ties to him.
@@sunnidayz856 I’m so happy to hear that you’re not together anymore. I thought I would never make it without him when he dumped me for another woman, and I didn’t think it was possible for a heart to hurt so much. But three years on, I’m so happy he ended it because I would never have had the courage to do it. I haven’t met anyone else, and I’m not sure I want to. But when I open my apartment door at night and am greeted by my dog and cat, I’m happy he is no longer in my life. I wish the same for you. ❤️☺️
New relationship?! Hell, I don't even get that far. I begin the process of pushing ppl away once I see things are going in the direction of a relationship. Step one is always being focused on the small things about them I don't like. It can be minor things like the way they laugh or them asking me a question when I'm watching something. Now, let that person give me mixed messages and not show up when I need them. I'm all into them. I seem to lean heavily into limerence. I know why, that has always been the dynamic in my relationship with my mother. Who only had kids because of society and not because she wanted kids, she lived her life like I didn't exist.
I resonate w so much of this
Reminded me how I developed limerance for a girl at work, then she started noticing I'm into her and showed some initiative. Next day she said hello to me and I got so overwhelmed that couldn't make even a slight noise in return and of course she thought I made it on purpose because what normal person would have a problem with saying hello? This really sent me spiralling and since then my self sabotage has been only getting worse until I lost any hope of getting together with her and embarrassed myself to the point it was almost unbearable to show up at work.
~I think maybe from watching you & another dating expert guy, i have finally, after 50 years of relationships, learned to appreciate qualities like, being supportive, being caring & attentive, not pushing sex, being helpful, noticing & liking things about me, instead of only wanting hotness!~Im dating a guy now with those qualities & i really see the value in it in a new way!~
This really hits home I am married and divorced 😅(in my mind) before the first date 😂❤🎉
For me it's beyond dating. I have determined I will never date again. I dread the thought of the anxiety it creates.
But this also applies to me with other relationships, like catching up with an old friend. I over share, then beat myself up and assume the worst. I'm too much.
My trauma therapist and I have discussed it and it's because of a lifetime of gaslighting. I've seen the same reaction from most of my friends who also have lived through trauma. We always feel like we have to explain, over-explain, to undo the lies that have been spread about us. Always on the defense. That's a hard thing to work through, but I think so much of what we feel is caught up in the sympathetic nervous system being in overdrive.
I worked on that and used a device at a physical therapy clinic that taught it to calm down and let the parasympathetic nervous system do its job: allow me to rest and recover.
I said I will never date again, at least I don't see that in the future. But I also didn't believe it was possible for the healing I've received, so far. So I'm learning to not set a limit on what's possible.
Yes, I spent a few years after a horrific life changing trauma oversharing like crazy. Through my healing, I asked myself over and over again, what could a listener really say or do, what did I actually need?? Eventually I took ownership of me, myself and started to really dig into everything that I had not been brave enough to look at. It has been a long journey, but I do not lay my complex journey on just anybody. The thing I remind myself is, the story and person that I was last month, or last week is a little different as I am growing and healing. But it was OK that I was an open sore, for so long. That was my journey.
@@marierose6792 thank you. Great information.
In my healing I'm starting to be more aware of what comes out of my mouth. Yes, I still overshare, but I'm feeling that I don't have to have the last word. I don't always have to correct the record. I never thought that would be possible. But again, I give most of the credit to repairing my nervous system. I have used so many modalities for over three years. It took all of them, because no single modality is responsible for all the changes. It has just been amazing.
Setting boundaries? That was like some pie-in-the-sky notion. I had no clue how that went. But now, I immediately feel this halting sensation. Like oh no. Stop it. You're not allowed to do this to me. I don't panic, I don't get anxious. It's something that rubs me the wrong way. That has been an exciting thing.
@@OnlyTheBest345 Boundaries??? Oh my goodness!!! I am so automatically agreeable... it is totally actually false at times. I made some new friends that have modelled for me a completely different approach. They were councillors in their careers. They will say NO quite readily but more importantly they say, "Let me think about it". The anxiety is very high when faced with disappointing people. Saying no as a child was not even a thing. Stay strong.
Thanks so much … sounds like the person I was interested in about dates being “too much expectations”…
If you wouldn’t mind, what would be the best way if there’s any to try to reconnect with someone like you after being pushed away? I have faith in the person and am willing to wait. Is there anything I could do to help through that fear of “dates” or general closeness anxiety? Any idea how long it might take to wait? Months? Years?
There was someone who was genuinely lovely and interested in me, but I was so triggered and dysregulated at the time that I just could not form good relationships. He’s since moved on and I feel so regretful, I feel like there will never be anyone else so kind, stable, actually real. Instead I usually attract people who are abusive or who are also traumatised like me, and it makes the relationship difficult to navigate. I also feel unlovable
swear
This is exactly what happened to me a few months ago with a guy I had a crush on. We moved too fast, and I ended up sabotaging the connection because I couldn’t take it anymore. I literally felt like I was going insane. I’ll be using the tips from this video in the future. Thank you.
You might find Anna's free quiz on dating to get some tips. bit.ly/Dating-Quiz Jack@TeamFairy
The thought that makes waiting like that so very painful is "What if they're just afraid? What if they're waiting for me to give another signal?"
Because I am always anxious around that sort of thing, and I've shied away from following a signal more than once myself, believing to have overinterpreted them.
oh my goodness, i have been waiting for years to see someone talk about this, I thought i was insane but this woman seems to be experiencing the exact same issue i have!! I'm literally crying
I disagree that him not calling when he says he will is him “taking it slow.” If he wasn’t ready to talk on the phone that day he should have said something or made an excuse (something Anna regularly greenlights for “us” to do). Not following through on a commitment is called being flakey 🤷🏻♀️
I feel for her. Same for me. Had two crappy narcissistic parents and my mom abandoned me. Once someone shows too much affection towards me all my red flags go up and I sabotage at all costs. But yet I don’t like someone who doesn’t show me enough attention. What is the happy medium?? I also don’t want to be smothered with affection because it ends up creeping me out. If I feel my sense of independence being stifled, I shut down. Childhood trauma is a b!%#*.
This practice changed my world :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I always freak out BIG time when I start getting close to someone while dating, especially after about three months when the initial excitement wears off. Usually, I'd just call it quits and convince myself that "this isn't the one," and then I'd start nitpicking at every little flaw they had, making it sound like I was totally justified. Now I'm 29, still single, and haven't had any real long-term relationships. So, guess what? I'm finally taking the plunge and starting therapy soon.
This explains how I ended up pregnant twice by men I did not love or barely knew. This is great information to heal but you are forced to really look at yourself
Thank You, I needed this material. I am struggling very much with anxiety in my new relationship. It causes me to sabotage my own happiness because I am so scared of being hurt again.
I have little to no motivation to do things for myself but for others I find it easy
Anxious attachment. Triggered by a possible avoidant type.
Great advice, Anna.
But he's most likely not calling her because she did not sleep with him. When you sleepover with a man he expects certain things so he probably feels teased, thinks she does this with everybody or maybe he didn't care for her and he's seeing somebody else.
If you've already fooled around then there is really no "going to lunch" or taking it slow. He probably had a nice time and thinks that she did also but I think when he gets around to calling her it will be only for one thing .🤷🏻♀️
My ex and i broke up over this. I was getting triggered and recently discovered i have sexual trauma. He is a wonderful, amazing man, but i feel that im not apt for him until i confront my past but im glad that this video is here to reassure me im not the only one who feels this way too.
great video, thanks. I'm a catastrophiser, and anything really good that happens soon collapses into the abandonment melange. Had a very insecure background. Now, aged 63 I'm challenging my own need to sabotage good things. I've meet some kind, self-aware women and instead of running away, i'm taking my own little kid's (me) hand and reassuring him that good things are allowable, if I give them a chance to happen. The risk is that is might not work out, but not giving it a chance only leads to one outcome. Wish I'd got here earlier, but it's never too late, though have to be prepared to face the grief of what might have been.
Omg this is me 100%. I can’t even have a hookup without running on fight or flight afterwards and then depression for a week, even when it was a good experience, dating is even worse
I usually just take about 2-3 days to internally recover from social experiences and recharge, due to being an introvert (except lifelong people, like sibs) without necessarily being trauma triggered....but it does get to me
I have cptsd and ive never felt MORE heard and understood than right here right now , this is a video i really needed. I feel so alone all the time, with or without relationships😢 thank you so much
We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Iv dated a guy for a while now and its been great so far, BUT Iv gotten so afraid if him leaving (unfounded fear) and all kinds of crazy. Thank you so much for this video Anna this was just what I needed ❤
Update: it ended with me leaving him because he wasent the right guy for me.
Thank you again Anna !
you saved me from allot of hearth acke❤
Yes go at a healthy pace and get to know them well.
This is my tripping stone - sitting on my hands and stop being over proactive...
Wow! I have so done this and then months later been sorry I've lived in a fantasy about him.
Anna, thank you again. Your videos are REALLY hitting home now that I am a daily practice (x2/day) user. Wow. I feel like I can hear more of what you are sharing now. I have been a fan for years and have had one course and plan for more. Since I have been watching for years, I can say, you have never looked better, happier, or more confident (delivering with strength) of what you are giving us. Thanks so much. Your progress and growth gives me happiness and hope for myself. Your talk on good and evil was deep, brave, and on point for me. I hope everyone can gain from it. It must be said. Every question I have about behavior and healing seems to match a video you have. Imagine that! Thanks again.
I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'm sure Anna will want to read this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sitting on your throne “You may approach” 👑 I love this!
Thank you Fairy - I have just left a toxic situation making an excuse about a headache - avoided a big fight for the first time in my life....
That feeling is soooo strong. It’s ruining shit for me. Well it has. Trying to get a control on it.
This is not a criticism. She shouldn’t have had a sleepover (even though it wasn’t sexual) with a new person. She went too fast for herself and it triggered an anxiety attack and mood collapse that we can all relate to. The mental suffering she experienced was just awful. I've experienced that! I am speaking from my own experience of doing this same thing she described with a new relationship.
While I think that could help, I don’t think it is a rule. She had talked to him and gotten to know him for a while before the sleep over.
I think when you have severe relationship anxiety, that will come whenever there is a big new step. You can look in retrospect and think, “I probably rushed that,” but it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed or you are.
You can only do what you can.
@@mintyhippo8125 You have a good point Minty Hippo but I believe that her anxiety and mood collapse and the ensuing extreme mental suffering could have been avoided or at least mitigated if she had waited and gotten to know him better in person before having a sleepover. She was pushing herself and her mental health too hard. This is my opinion based on my experience.
Wow
You're very good Anna.
Because I've been in a relationship for 2 years and broken up with her 8 times and left Toronto in February 2024.
Back I'm Ottawa area.
Living with my son.
And my girlfriend really loves me Anna.
I' grew up wanting to live with my friends because theur mothers were nice and kind hearted.
So I was really envious of my friends.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart - someone who articulates beautifully what I have been struggling with for too many years. So much wisdom, safety and healing here. Thank you ❤
Rarely do I comment but this video was just what I needed. Thank you so much for all that you do, you are literally changing lives with your words, knowledge and experience ❤
Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure Anna will want to read this, I'll make sure she sees it :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When I see any sign of a man playing with me over text messages I stop talking to him. I hate being played and ignored
I needed this a few weeks ago before deciding to go to another city to visit a guy that is openly not available for a relationship and actively friend with benefits-zoned me. Took the disappointment to help burst the bubble and snap out of it, but intimacy is certainly a slippery slope for people like us. It really feels like the end of the world when it doesn't work, even when intellectually you're primed for it... Anna, your videos have opened my eyes. Thank you so much!
This describes EVERY romantic relationship in my lifetime. Infinite thanks to The Fairy for helping me figure out. ♥
I found your channel a week ago by chance. Life changing. Thanks.
Something you said in this video was a lightbulb moment, sometimes we’ll do anything to not have to go through the pain again.
I identified with this but from the perspective of not wanting to risk connecting in the first place, opting instead to remain alone
I think your comment was a lightbulb moment. Never felt the comment more
You and Jerry Wise are ringing my bells this morning. Thanks so much!
I too listen to Jerry and Anna and just these two! :-)
Saturday morning a lady gave me a hug and I bolted. Trying to build the courage to go knock on her door and attempt to have a conversation with her. Very tender lady.
The panic has to do, for me, is the one sided question, "What if they do not LIKE me???" and not pay any attention to its flip question, " What if I do not LIKE them"????? You do not know that yet. I have met many new friends in the last 6 years and having gotten to know them better and more fully, I smile when I think back to what the impression of them was in the beginning. I always put folks on a pedestal and have an optimistic love fest, of sorts. I have not discarded them, but my first impressions were a little skewed. Falling for someone actually hurts, which explains the terms, "Falling or hit by lightening or in some cultures a little death etc.
I have gone through this with every person. You are not alone.
You 'hit the spot' as always with your 'relational' wisdoms of 'emotional availability' vs ' fantasy projecting'...thank you for your Service, stay Blessed 🙏🌹
I have had these reactiions in numerous situations at the beginning of intimate relationships and Rachel's experience mirrors what I have gone through. it's a horrible experience. Thank you for explaining what I went through. It's a revelation and extremely helpful.
I often ask myself is this intuition or trauma. I needed to hear this. Thank you
This is my first comment.. I’ve followed you for 4 years and to start with it your wisdom made my head spin! It was all too much for my mind and heart to handle.. now I’m hearing and am able to absorb, relate and nod when listening to your wisdom. 🎉 this video has resonated with me, your words really landed! I’m on a sabbatical from dating and two years into it.. I’m learning to like myself and to live more easily with myself which is a relief! When I do start dating again I will do your course on dating first and take it slowly… a cup at a time, to see if this person is a good fit, not a crap fit for me! My abandonment wound and attachment wound is very raw, painful and is easily disturbed when I’m not on my side and not taking the time out to help me understand better why I act, behave and respond the way I do (have done) with romantic and non romantic partners in the past. I have started using your daily practice and it does work! I intend to do it daily.. and I will continue to follow you Anna - with gratitude, many many thanks for all you do ❤️
I would say this anxiety also comes a lot from dating apps as well!!
Anna, I got mad about a potential man just telling me he did not like being called "bro". For me, bro is an endearment. I was relaxed and we were laughing and it just came out. I feel I could be irrational, for being hurt, yet I am pissed. There are a few other things I see that put me off also. It is not what he said that was so bad, it is ok to say how you feel, it is how he said it. Red flags went off and I was mad and sad because I knew immediately this will not work. Not now at least. I was quite taken by him. However, he is moving really fast. I can't do this. Thanks as always for helping me see things clearly.❣
I keep thinking I want a relationship but every time I start to get anyone interested in me or they start to get interested in me I should say I immediately start backing away
Romantic partner? I'm the partner I need... 😂 the very idea of figuring out relationships is just too much. 😅
I just love you so much, Anna, you are a true savior and I feel like I'm healing just by watching you. I send you huge hugs and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these videos. They save me every single time I'm drowning in myself and bad times. Keep being this amazing Lighthouse for many of us that are in complete darkness.
I have a question ...
Why isn't this valuable imfo taught in junior high schools ! ! !
Oh wow do I relate to this… the question she asked about whether this was her intuition or cptsd is a question I asked myself many times while I attempted to have a relationship too soon after my marriage ended… sheesh 😒 haha it’s terrible the yo-yoing. I need to become emotionally grounded and should take your course. I’ve been celibate and not dating since. So grateful for your channel and this valuable information. It’s so tough to navigate these things… I need to get your membership! Love and shalom crappy childhood fairy and family. 💕✨🕊️🌈
I hope you join us, the membership is lovely! bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
So incredibly relatable. This is how I feel and have felt in the past as well.
You are in the right place. Hope you will find help here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I wish I had known about your videos whilst I was dating. At almost 60 years old I've decided to give up the dating game.
I found if i dont let them touch me. (No fooling around) that helps.
Touching too soon is pushing something that truly knowing someone doesnt replace.
Weird thinking. But it helps not give too much too soon
Thankyou for writing this letter..you have most probably saved me from a tonne of pain 🤍🙏 And Anna..the gratitude I feel for you is difficult to put into words. 🙏🙌🤍 Taking notes and sitting on my throne 😌✌️
I do not mistreat a man, nor do I have any of these issues, however, I do have extreme anxiety when I first start dating someone. So much so I usually start loosing weight unintentionally...
Everything she said is what im currently going through 🤯 even the part about what if its my intuition warning me
الله it’s so soothing listening to her and feeling so understood
This can be done… I sat on my hands and had therapy on the side during dating. (I did slip up a couple of times, over anxious but explained and did not not push away, rather leaned in and yes it was very difficult and vulnerable ) we made it to 1 year three months… in relationship. The anxiety all the way through was real but I was not going to let it defeat me. As long as this person showed up for me the more I trusted it and a new pattern was being made. Unfortunately the relationship didn’t last and we broke up 5 weeks ago. (He had ended it twice prior) and I told him should it happen again I would not be back due to my healing and wanting to take it seriously. (They are on there own healing path too) I should have probably left the second time… but I understand we are all healing and there were no other red flags… we both had attachment stuff.
I have come away with some more knowledge now… and learning to be super compassionate with myself.
I believe it can be healed… in time and in corrective relationships ❤
Thank you xxxx
Hi Anna. I just had an amazing date with someone last night. Toward the end I started getting overwhelmed. I feel this way today.... The abandonment melange! Thank you so much for this video. It is what I needed to hear.
This letter seems like a situationship not a date. At no point did the guy actually ask her out. She planned a getaway and he arrived.
I want to celebrate that i felt i experience abandonment melange every time i have connected with someone. I don't have friends never had. That's why some part of me is in need and searching...
I celebrate feeling this intense mixture of emotions because i have been really disconnected to my emotions. And now I'm emotionally aware? Capable to notice and feel it 🥳 i can Detangle the fear, the anger and the grief. The deep longing for connection type of grief in the here and now and the resonating grief for what never happened in my life due to circumstances. Connection. With not someone where i feel the need to twist me into a pretzel to prevent further demages.
Thank you for this video Anna. And thank you Rachel for reaching out and finding words that resonate with me and so many others. That's a thing too. My mouth goes numb and i can't even find words in my head to write down because some part of me creates a numbing mist thats evaporating through my whole beeing if i even come near a once traumatic experience. You shall not pass! and i drown my reaction is to kind of freeze? Shut down?, I'm stunned by the overwhelm that takes over my body.
I'm grateful for every person who writes that beautifully collected over her or his experiences. You give words to those who aren't enabled to do so by theyr own. That's so beautiful. 🙏
I had a huge realization the other day. I like(?) this guy who lives in the apartment building I live in but he always hurts my feelings and pisses me off. So I'm asking myself why would you like someone that hurts your feelings...I don't!! I really am proud of myself because I saw him for who he was. 😊
Omg. I SO related to this video!
I’m so grateful for this person because this happens to me all the time !!!
This is the most helpful and informative channel on UA-cam and the internet. Thank God for you Crappy Childhood Fairy! 🧚♂️
Wow, thank you!
This was a very helpful video from both perspectives, Rachel and the guy she wrote about. I have an abandonment wound too. I’ve been confronted by it recently and it’s tricky to navigate. However, I’ve heard the “go slow,” “the nervous system likes slow” so many times from people I look up to that have healed (much further along) and I thinks it’s true. Take it slow.
Omgggg I had this melange yesterday!!!
I’m dating someone n I just spiral 😮😮😮
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
You are so good I click LIKE button before I even hear what you have to say
Omggg this came in at such a timely moment!! 😭😭😭 thank you!!
These are really helpful in making us feel normal after having had some rough patches along the way. Thank you, Anna.
Thankyou for this one Anna 💓
Thank you so much Anna. I've been in a relationship for 7.5 months now and for me and my bf our trauma wounds flare up easily
Love your channel ❤
Can you make a video on how to make up when both have trauma wounds and were triggered? So crazy, out of proportion lashing outs.
Should we explain about trauma wounds in apologising or keep it simple?
Wow, right now that is sooo helpful. A guy I know from work actively searched or asked for my address and then put a cute postcard in my letter box with his phone number on it. First I got really anxious because I'm so afraid of my relationship patterns and I don't want to be hurt again. Then I was flattered. I asked myself whether I should write or ignore him but I want to learn to embrace life and not hide anymore. I know it is a huge chunk I will have to chew on and maybe it turns out to be the same old stuff but I really want to learn how to act and see things differently. So thank you so much for your advice. It is appreciated so much.❤ ❤❤
Thank you for sharing!
You can keep centered thru this adventure with the free Daily Practice. And if you want to go deeper, you can check out Anna's Dating & Relationships course.
bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Dating Course: bit.ly/CCF-Dating
Julie@TeamFairy
Thank you for this! Very helpful as i start to date ‘slowly’…
This is the video I needed. Thank you! ❤
Oh my goodness… I’ve watched ALL of your videos and needless to say, I relate! This one however, someone broke through on a whole other level. All of this lands completely, vividly, clearly. Wow Anna, thank you so much!!
This is a beautiful shirt, it really compliments you very well.
grateful today for you and Pete Walker. All the years I did not know this word, even with ACOA meetings. So relatable. Still experiencing it, just aware now its happening.
Thank god I found you!!!!! This is soooooo meeeeeeeee! 😢😢😢😢😢 gosh I have so many wounds that I am learning about right now. I recently let my anxious attachment draw me back to a narcissistic ex and now he’s gone again and I am just beside myself. I feel like I am back at square 1. And I wonder can I ever date again will someone love me will I be healed. This was an eye opener to always slow down before getting with someone.
I love the “sitting on my throne theory” 😅 that’s how I will approach any relationship friends or romantic. How may I help you? And what are you here for? Show me 😂
This is the video I’ve been needing ❤️❤️
I'm so glad! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you, as always, for your amazing work. So grateful for you. x