In my experience, the charming FA wants to do the chasing, subconsciously, so most people will unwittingly 'spoil' the FA. Except the DA. The DA lets the FA chase.
This is so true for the FA! She has broken up with me 5 times in the last 8 months and we have been together for 4 years. Every time life gets to heavy for her or she feels trapped because it’s time to take out relationship to the next level she discards me and after a few weeks comes back. Please make a video on the time from about the make up breakup cycle and time frame.
I feel you. My last gf did the same thing. I was amazing to her, validated her feelings, cared deeply for her. But she used flaw finding to push me away eventually. She’s looking for the ‘perfect partner’ that unfortunately doesn’t exist
@@Luis913BarroetaThey idealize their partners in the beginning. It never lasts, eventually the partner becomes human. Some situations last longer than others, oddly, since chaotic and abusive situations may be less triggering because it's familiar. The initial idealization feels like they're looking for someone perfect but what's happening is they are ignoring the fact that this external person isn't just an object or an extension of their self.
It's a roller coaster with an FA. I have been on and off with my boyfriend for 3 years. He pulls away when things get too serious. If he has a challenge, I walk through it with him as a couple. If I have a challenge, I walk through it on my own. You can give an FA 20 years of your life, and they will still want to take things slow. A huge fear of commitment is their problem!
@@ropesofpearls9758 It's not just a fear of commitment, it's also the fear of abandonment. And that's how you end up with the intensely hot/cold back and forth. None of these things can be solved by the other person. These videos are incredibly useful in understanding things but I find that a lot of these videos are all designed to be optimistic. And Thais has mentioned this but it isn't as often as someone may realize, doing the right things doesn't guarantee that the relationship is going to work. Taking all of this advice and perfectly executing the suggestions to create a safe space for the other person and providing them with everything that you're supposed to so that they can regulate and heal isn't a guarantee that it will happen at all. The only guarantee is that win or lose you have a clear conscience that you did what you could.
11:43am if you ask me fearful and Dismissive Avoidance are just alike, they are very confused people, and trying give them everything they want in a relationship will constantly have you in another world outside yourself. No Thanks no more I gave it my all to these type.
I think it's true your point which is is why they are underneath the umbrella term insecure attachment. Anxious attachments are also draining in their way as well. People are broken which is why everyone is here. It sounds like u are operating from a wounded place trust me I know what its like. Use these tools to help heal and make informed decisions
The exact same things can be said about anxious types. Constantly needing reassurance and finding every little thing missing from every interaction will also have you outside of yourself
they seem pretty different to me. FA has these trust issues and hypervigilence, vs DA being hyper-independent and emotionally blocked. (Broad generalizations, but you get it I hope.) I find the FAs confusing, personally.
we blocked each other today.. its been months of back and forth, with me getting blamed for literally anything that ruffles his feathers. he discarded and blocked me start of may, then came back in june, a totally shut down person. he used to be the sweetest loving guy.. when he came back it has been almost impossible to get any loving energy from him. when he does, there is some sort of issue, then i'm pushed out again. its been three months of this , but no real commitment from him to come back together. This unfortunately feels very final, as he'd only just started talking to me again after nearly three weeks of ignoring me.. Its so hard to watch someone you care about so much, almost enjoy sabotaging any attempts at closeness.. brutal being on the receiving end.
Here's where it becomes difficult for the FA. Alexithymia seems to be pretty common. And without this ability to recognize and describe emotions, it's hard to define your own needs and wants. I find this is why it's so frustrating for the FA and myself. I get generic answers or "I don't know" and expected to decipher it and that never works.
FA or DA, life is too short and valuable to waste on them. Save you mental health and peace and run away form these kind of people, and grow and develope yourself. Ne need to put yourself through mental warzone.
I’m going through this hell right now, It’s long distance and he promised to visit me this month, but suddenly he said he won’t be able to for months and didn’t seem upset about it AND then ignored me for a few hours. So i’ve been spiraling ever since, he’s the first guy i’ve met who is not avoidant so i have grown so attached to him and his consistancy and i feel vulnerable and that i’m inlove with him. But after he said he couldn’t come i’ve been grieving and have tons of anxiety and i’m thinking i was stupid for thinking that he liked me and no i’m not able to call him sweet things anymore and i’m trying to fall out of love which is hard because i do love him. But this pain is too much, i don’t think he ever plan to visit me again. I don’t agree we FA’s are like DA’s because they don’t feel this pain and distrust, lucky them.
I would like you to upload videos with more everyday examples that happen more often in a relationship with an AF. More specific cases, comments or actions that we do at a dinner or at the movies or at a meal with family members. For example my ex-partner broke up with me "because I feel that you want to treat me like a silly little girl who doesn't know anything and you want to control me" I mean cases like this, from everyday life. But as always, great video!!! Thanks Thais!
Can’t tell if the FA I like likes me or not. They invited me to hang out with their other friend and automatically told me they were avoidant. They share some stuff about their childhood and asked me questions about my attachment style and what’s my type of person I would date. So I assumed she was interested if she was asking about my love life and sharing hers. We made a lot of intense eye contact and I felt like she liked me but after that hangout she stopped watching my insta stories(they would watch them all the time) but when I texted her they responded in like an hour and said yes let’s hang out again but they’re really busy with family right now so not anytime soon. I try to keep the conversation going but they didn’t respond. So I’m in that mindset that I should let her text me first now. It’s been a week since we last talked. Can’t tell if the reason they are not reaching out is because they’re busy and a FA or they’re just not interested in me anymore. Because they would be consistently keeping contact right? If they’re interested
So when we look at behaviours like monkey branching, would this happen for the same reasons? A disregulation within self so to regulate, find a new source?
This is very helpful. But my FA partner says I'm too sensitive, that I'm the one who needs to change when he's critical. How do I know if he's right? I was strongly AP and am much more secure now, but who's right?
Hi Thais thanks for your videos. I am going into the 4 week of a breakup while in no contact with a girl who checks all boxes for FA.. we were together for 2.5 years.. is it likely that she will come back?
@@cecilang9721 I was quite anxious and she deactivated and blocked me for a week, we met one last time to get my stuff back but it was all friendly.. she reached out twice over trivial stuff
@@cecilang9721 She was even in a family reunion with me then she went silent, some days later I asked her why and she deactivated.. blocked me for a week.. we talked again and it was all friendly.. we met for me to get my stuff back and it was ok too, I didn't beg or anything.. went straight to no contact and she reached out twice over stuff that I was not needed to solve, trivial stuff.
I have been in a relationship with two different fearful avoidants and they never came back. One main reason is towards the end of the relationship I snapped back together and began setting healthy boundaries. These boundaries aren't comfortable for an insecure attachment. They likely realize that if they were to return these boundaries would continue to exist, so why come back?
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@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you.
"Feelings are feedback, and they're actually there to guide you to those answers, not just to make you feel bad for no reason."
I’m definitely gonna have to put some work in. You just described me
In my experience, the charming FA wants to do the chasing, subconsciously, so most people will unwittingly 'spoil' the FA.
Except the DA. The DA lets the FA chase.
This is so true for the FA! She has broken up with me 5 times in the last 8 months and we have been together for 4 years. Every time life gets to heavy for her or she feels trapped because it’s time to take out relationship to the next level she discards me and after a few weeks comes back. Please make a video on the time from about the make up breakup cycle and time frame.
I feel you. My last gf did the same thing. I was amazing to her, validated her feelings, cared deeply for her. But she used flaw finding to push me away eventually. She’s looking for the ‘perfect partner’ that unfortunately doesn’t exist
@@Luis913Barroeta she has done that to me as well… every imperfection pointed out and used
@@Luis913BarroetaThey idealize their partners in the beginning. It never lasts, eventually the partner becomes human.
Some situations last longer than others, oddly, since chaotic and abusive situations may be less triggering because it's familiar.
The initial idealization feels like they're looking for someone perfect but what's happening is they are ignoring the fact that this external person isn't just an object or an extension of their self.
It's a roller coaster with an FA. I have been on and off with my boyfriend for 3 years. He pulls away when things get too serious. If he has a challenge, I walk through it with him as a couple. If I have a challenge, I walk through it on my own.
You can give an FA 20 years of your life, and they will still want to take things slow. A huge fear of commitment is their problem!
@@ropesofpearls9758 It's not just a fear of commitment, it's also the fear of abandonment. And that's how you end up with the intensely hot/cold back and forth.
None of these things can be solved by the other person.
These videos are incredibly useful in understanding things but I find that a lot of these videos are all designed to be optimistic. And Thais has mentioned this but it isn't as often as someone may realize, doing the right things doesn't guarantee that the relationship is going to work. Taking all of this advice and perfectly executing the suggestions to create a safe space for the other person and providing them with everything that you're supposed to so that they can regulate and heal isn't a guarantee that it will happen at all.
The only guarantee is that win or lose you have a clear conscience that you did what you could.
11:43am if you ask me fearful and Dismissive Avoidance are just alike, they are very confused people, and trying give them everything they want in a relationship will constantly have you in another world outside yourself. No Thanks no more I gave it my all to these type.
I'm an FA and the more I learn about myself and DAs the more I realize what we have in common
I think it's true your point which is is why they are underneath the umbrella term insecure attachment. Anxious attachments are also draining in their way as well. People are broken which is why everyone is here. It sounds like u are operating from a wounded place trust me I know what its like. Use these tools to help heal and make informed decisions
The exact same things can be said about anxious types. Constantly needing reassurance and finding every little thing missing from every interaction will also have you outside of yourself
@@T4llyV3roo I couldn't agree more
they seem pretty different to me. FA has these trust issues and hypervigilence, vs DA being hyper-independent and emotionally blocked. (Broad generalizations, but you get it I hope.)
I find the FAs confusing, personally.
we blocked each other today.. its been months of back and forth, with me getting blamed for literally anything that ruffles his feathers. he discarded and blocked me start of may, then came back in june, a totally shut down person. he used to be the sweetest loving guy.. when he came back it has been almost impossible to get any loving energy from him. when he does, there is some sort of issue, then i'm pushed out again. its been three months of this , but no real commitment from him to come back together. This unfortunately feels very final, as he'd only just started talking to me again after nearly three weeks of ignoring me.. Its so hard to watch someone you care about so much, almost enjoy sabotaging any attempts at closeness.. brutal being on the receiving end.
Here's where it becomes difficult for the FA.
Alexithymia seems to be pretty common. And without this ability to recognize and describe emotions, it's hard to define your own needs and wants. I find this is why it's so frustrating for the FA and myself. I get generic answers or "I don't know" and expected to decipher it and that never works.
This is the only answer I ever get any time I ask anything. It is insanely frustrating.
FA or DA, life is too short and valuable to waste on them. Save you mental health and peace and run away form these kind of people, and grow and develope yourself. Ne need to put yourself through mental warzone.
Interesting... The random outbursts all make sense now.
I’m going through this hell right now, It’s long distance and he promised to visit me this month, but suddenly he said he won’t be able to for months and didn’t seem upset about it AND then ignored me for a few hours. So i’ve been spiraling ever since, he’s the first guy i’ve met who is not avoidant so i have grown so attached to him and his consistancy and i feel vulnerable and that i’m inlove with him. But after he said he couldn’t come i’ve been grieving and have tons of anxiety and i’m thinking i was stupid for thinking that he liked me and no i’m not able to call him sweet things anymore and i’m trying to fall out of love which is hard because i do love him. But this pain is too much, i don’t think he ever plan to visit me again. I don’t agree we FA’s are like DA’s because they don’t feel this pain and distrust, lucky them.
I would like you to upload videos with more everyday examples that happen more often in a relationship with an AF. More specific cases, comments or actions that we do at a dinner or at the movies or at a meal with family members. For example my ex-partner broke up with me "because I feel that you want to treat me like a silly little girl who doesn't know anything and you want to control me" I mean cases like this, from everyday life. But as always, great video!!! Thanks Thais!
This video is so helpful
Thanks.
I just want to know where all the people who aren’t this, are?
Can’t tell if the FA I like likes me or not. They invited me to hang out with their other friend and automatically told me they were avoidant. They share some stuff about their childhood and asked me questions about my attachment style and what’s my type of person I would date. So I assumed she was interested if she was asking about my love life and sharing hers. We made a lot of intense eye contact and I felt like she liked me but after that hangout she stopped watching my insta stories(they would watch them all the time) but when I texted her they responded in like an hour and said yes let’s hang out again but they’re really busy with family right now so not anytime soon. I try to keep the conversation going but they didn’t respond. So I’m in that mindset that I should let her text me first now. It’s been a week since we last talked. Can’t tell if the reason they are not reaching out is because they’re busy and a FA or they’re just not interested in me anymore. Because they would be consistently keeping contact right? If they’re interested
Geez this describes me to a T.
Do you absolutely have to have childhood trauma to be a fearful avoidant?
I’ve heard that you can become an avoidant later on in adult life
So when we look at behaviours like monkey branching, would this happen for the same reasons?
A disregulation within self so to regulate, find a new source?
This is very helpful. But my FA partner says I'm too sensitive, that I'm the one who needs to change when he's critical. How do I know if he's right? I was strongly AP and am much more secure now, but who's right?
Maybe it is less about being right or wrong but finding a way to live together and communicate. And accepting each other.
Hi Thais thanks for your videos. I am going into the 4 week of a breakup while in no contact with a girl who checks all boxes for FA.. we were together for 2.5 years.. is it likely that she will come back?
Describe the exact circumstances please that directly led up to the disruption.
@@cecilang9721 I was quite anxious and she deactivated and blocked me for a week, we met one last time to get my stuff back but it was all friendly.. she reached out twice over trivial stuff
@@cecilang9721 She was even in a family reunion with me then she went silent, some days later I asked her why and she deactivated.. blocked me for a week.. we talked again and it was all friendly.. we met for me to get my stuff back and it was ok too, I didn't beg or anything.. went straight to no contact and she reached out twice over stuff that I was not needed to solve, trivial stuff.
I have been in a relationship with two different fearful avoidants and they never came back.
One main reason is towards the end of the relationship I snapped back together and began setting healthy boundaries.
These boundaries aren't comfortable for an insecure attachment. They likely realize that if they were to return these boundaries would continue to exist, so why come back?
@@remydrh yeah idk, I said that if she changes her mind she should contact me