When Should You Have A Baby? || Mayim Bialik
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- Опубліковано 11 кві 2018
- Hey, it’s Mayim, and today we’re talking about a super important incredibly stressful thing: when to have kids. Deciding when to start a family, especially if you’re a working woman, can be so difficult. Is there a “right” time? Are you having trouble deciding when to start a family? Share your experiences in the comments and check out how I decided and if I think I did it “right”!
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You may know me as Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory, or from Blossom, but hopefully, these videos allow you to get to know me better as Mayim, too! Subscribe to my channel for video updates. I upload new videos every Thursday!
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About Mayim Bialik:
You might know me as Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory or from Blossom but there are so many other parts of me that you might not be aware of! I’m trained as a neuroscientist, I'm a passionate activist, an observant Jew, a perfectly imperfect mother, and I'm a complicated human being like many of you. This is the place where I wear all of those hats - and none of them have a flower on them! ;)
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Here in Norway, women get a year off. They can chose when to start this year, maybe halfway through their pregnancy or right before birth. It’s their decision. And I love that.
Martin Straume same as Canada and we get paid some money too
In germany too, a very women friendly law
if I had the money I would move to another country like Canada. Norway or Switzerland. The U.S. its not as supportive
hell0h0bbit Yeah, they get full job payment while their on their pregnancy leave.
here in Italy we have 5 months, 2 before birth and 3 after, then you have to go to work and left your 3 months baby to grandparents or kindergarten.. The consequence of my wife's pregnancy was obvious, they didn't confirm the period-contract and she became unempolyed. This is happen quite often in my country.. that's the ANGRY part I suppose
MOD: only the mother have the 5 months, I, as a father, enjoied 3 DAYS, yes, only 3 days, born day included..
MOD 2: in conclusion my wife's salary for that 5 months was the 80% of the regular salary, the law said that.
I had my only child 2 months after I turned 41, so I will speak to being an older mom. My husband and I were well aware of the increased risk of issues for baby and myself, and we chose to accept them and were prepared to love and care for a baby regardless of any health or developmental issues. I had an early miscarriage at 40 and was pregnant again 3 months later. We educated ourselves to learn that many times, the "doubled risk for ____ condition after age 40" meant a 1% chance increased to a 2% chance, which gave us a better perspective. Also, I was definitely monitored more closely due to my Advanced Maternal Age, but women need to be aware that that "invasive testing" is voluntary. We opted for the standard prenatal blood draw, and then ultrasounds and non-invasive fetal heart monitoring only after that. My doctors supported that choice, and if yours doesn't, find a new one! My daughter is 100% healthy, as it happens. "Old eggs" hatched a pretty awesome chickie!
Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel at ease with my plan which is to try to get pregnant after my grad school at 36. It’s really hard being a woman sometimes, but it’s also nice to have support from one another.
@@blackcici thank you! I'm in similar boat and age. Being kinda having anxiety about the age and baby topic when my girl friends and I would chat about it... It's almost not fair that plenty of my guy friends in grad school can have a full family with kids, while it's very rare to be a female grad student with kids...
I dont think women can be "too old" to have kids when their bodies still allows them to naturally get pregnant, mother nature knows best 😊
Pretty much exact same situation. Was about 2 weeks past my 41st Birthday when I gave birth. Two misses but not due to age (MTHFR homozygous). Testing doesn’t have to be invasive.....they can now preform NIPT and a nuchal scan and you can find out chromosomal risk from them and if you are at high risk, then you can choose (or not) to have invasive tests performed. And like you, baby 100% healthy and almost 9 months now.
I had my first baby at 34 and second at 36. I definitely feel like I am probably more tired than I would be in my 20s running around after young children but it is nice knowing I don't have to worry about money like I would have in my 20s. Pros and cons to both. 🤔
The "con" to having babies in your mid 30s isn't just a con. In some cases, it can be dangerous. After the age of 30 or so, women become much less fertile and their eggs less viable. Meaning that by having kids later in life, they are more likely to be born with issues that could have been avoided.
@@mars7612 True it is a well known fact that after 35 you become "advanced maternal age" but they watch the baby's development very very closely. I had a beautiful healthy baby girl at 36. Interesting fact: More babies with down syndrome are born to women in their 20s than women in their 30s even though it is a higher risk to women in their 30s.
@@michellelowe6224 My mom had me at 35 and was healthy.
100%
I had my kids at 21, 23, & 25 . Energy was great. enjoyed them so much. Financially it was tough but we managed. I hated saying no im sorry we dont have money ALL the time. But I also think it taught them to be conscious of how much things cost and to not be wasteful.
My mom gave birth when she was 21 and 36. I know. I'd say older just for her because she could do what she wanted with me and not worry
Sometimes I wish I lived in another century, when you would get married and have kids young. I feel like to much is expected of me as a woman. Be perfect, pretty and humble. But also work your butt off and pretend that everything is fine when it's not. Be the main provider and caretaker of a child -but also don't expect to earn good money or have any time to spend with your kids
I agree. Where are you from if I may ask?
15anne, honey, if you think having kids younger than about 30 is preferable, then are still a child to have a lot of growing up to do. Stop lamenting the fact that you need to find a purpose for your life and go find that purpose.
I agree with the fact that nowadays as a woman you "have to have it all". Career+children+marriage. At least back then you could focus all the energy on your children and the housekeeping, now it's expected you do that on top of having a good paying job. Results: children spending more time with babysitters/grandparents than you, messy house, hating the workplace, not having time for your spouse.
I'm not saying it's like this for everyone! Some women are great at multitasking. But personally, when I asked my mom if she was proud of being a "working mom" she said the amount of stress through her 30's and 40's wasn't worth it. I wish women could choose between children and a career without being judged (if they don't feel like doing both, again many moms do love their jobs and can balance their lives well).
Exactly👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sofia Pinna you can thank the women’s rights movement. But in a perfect world we should be able to choose, however circumstances don’t always allow that, many women would love to stay home with their kids but don’t have the luxury to do so.
As a family lawyer dealing with parenting disputes, the decision to have children, is THE single most important decision you will make as an adult, and here's why:
Relationships and marriages can be dissolved with the filing of documents. Property matters between you and your spouse can be finalized permanently, by either consent or contest.
However, your children are forever, and if you do your job right as a parent, they will outlive you, so being a parent once you have decided to have children, it is your paramount responsibility to look after them. Once you have children your priorities are split 3 ways, yourself, your spouse and your children. I think 3 priorities should merge into 1, as in 1 family, and that can only be done by properly thinking through the decision to start a family. I am incensed by the absolute destruction that parties can do to one another when they lose sight of those priorities, in the course of a family law dispute.
Great video Dr B. I know its focused on women, but more men should watch it as well .
I'm always flabbergasted by people who are careless with birth control and put very little thought into the massive responsibility that is having children.
This is the best comment on this thread!
I had a friend recently say to me "You're lucky you don't have to do shared custody of your kids!" It got me thinking.. I'm not LUCKY.. I very carefully chose who to marry and who to have children with and WORK HARD on that marriage. I'm proud of that hard work and careful decision making, not lucky it fell in my lap.
MrAragon131 Me too. It's such an enormous responsibility and it seems like many people forget that.
Cass my cousin was 15 when she became pregnant. I often berated her for getting pregnant so young and she would say she was just 'unlucky'. She admits she wasn't using any birth control. Luck had NOTHING to do with it.
Cass in these comments a woman keeps telling my idea that children can impact your life shows me how "naive and inexperienced" I am. "Raising children just isn't that hard." BULLSHIT
Here in Austria, Europe, you have to leave 6 weeks before giving birth and stay at home for 3 month after birth. It is illegal, if you go to work during this time and also illegal to do home office. Your boss cannot fire you during you pregnancy and has to give you the opportunity to come back to your job even after three years. From your date of birth you can stay at home up to three years.
but it is very little anyway. In Romania you get 2 years paid maternity leave. In the Czech Republic, I heard it is 4 years. If you ask me, all mothers should stay at home until their kids start school, at least. There is nothing that can replace a mother.
it's up to 3 years in Hungary too but it depends on how many children you have, like my fiance is the youngest of 3 and his mom could stay at home until he was 6 and started school, and even tho it's paid you get a specific percentage of your salary monthly.
Agreed! And here in Austria mothers and fathers both have great options for paid maternity and paternity leave and total job security. Sometimes I wonder why I only had one child with all the support we get here:-)
Speaking for myself, I know the value that dads have in their childrens lives aswell.. And my son stayed home with me for a full 2 years. And my man for a full 2 and a half years. then i've stayed home part time. (my son is 5 years old now)
However my point is that i learned so much when my man was home alone with our child that i feel like if the father is in the picture it' very necessary that your child gets to bond with both parents even at a young age. It makes your child depend equally on both of you, making not everything the moms responsibility, mom can you do that or this or whatever...it's just as easy to ask dad.
Woleey moleey! Lol it's like 26 weeks here in nz...I hav3nt had kids yet but damn! Hahaha lucky much! 😊😊
I thought I was going to be a working mum. I thought I was going to work right up till the birth and go back to work 2 months after. My son was born 3 months premature and we spent 6 months in hospital this ate into my time off and I ended up having to go back to work two months before he was sent home. I have now collectively worked 5 months, 2 whilst in hospital and 3 at home and I have decided. You know what it’s not for me. I’m too tired to give 100% to my job, o can’t give 100% to my baby and I’m barely give 10% to my partner. I’m proud to say I want to be a stay at home mum. I have years left to work, right now I need to be with my baby. X
I did not feel ready until 30.I did stay home with my four children and loved it. I don't regret it. I finished my education when my youngest were in third grade and found a career I love
I'm 36 and pregnant with #3, which will be my third baby in 4 years. I made sure I finished college, quit smoking, and had a house before my husband and I ever thought about trying. I wanted kids for a long time, but wanted to make sure I was emotionally, physically, and financially ready.
sometimes it is hard to be all of those before having kids. I wish I could of had another after my daughter. My mom had me and my sister only a year apart then three years later my brother and another 3 years for my youngest. :-)
Wise
Yes it’s fine, but you should’ve given the time to every baby, not having them all at once... I breast fed my babies until they were two or three years old and it was such a special time between us...
Amen. I’m 20 and your experience is literally my goal when it comes to having a child. I want to be in a stable, healthy relationship and be financially sufficient. I want my own home and my own car before I bring a child into this world, for I wish to provide for my child without being scared.
kherise I was breastfed 3 months and my younger sister by 2 and a half years wasn’t breastfed even a month. Some women just can’t do it for whatever reason. And personally I’m of the belief that having close age gaps between siblings is much better. My dad and uncle have a 25 year age gap but that’s an extreme example, yet my cousins have a 7 year age gap and the younger one suffers a lot because he’s brother stopped paying attention to him once he entered puberty. Me and my sis are exactly 2 and a half years apart and we’ve always been best friends. Yes, we fight, a lot, but we understand each other like nobody else ever will.
I never felt called to motherhood. So I have no kids, by choice.
Tracie Holladay me too. But we are what most women would say..... Freaks, you know, because if you are a woman you must have and want children. Otherwise you are mental. Not normal, a bad person.
happybrasato no not at all! It's each individual choice. We women respect other women's choice
geeky geek you do. Trust me, a lot don't at all
It is awesome you had a choice ☺ I reckon many women before us didn't. I became disabled and reluctantly chose to have only our daughter... However I rejoice that I was able to have her and that I was able to choose to have no more. I suspect there are many women now who done mmt have a choice
I made the decision even as a child that I always wanted to adopt ☺️
I was 23 and unmarried when my son was born. He was the most scary, beautiful, wonderful, happiest, complicated surprise imaginable! He is now almost 23 and about to graduate from Ohio State with a degree in Computer Science Engineering and he has been the absolute best gift I could have ever been given in this life! His “sperm donor” has never laid eyes on him; he was gone before I even knew I was pregnant. But my son is loved and adored by many and I think he and I did alright. He is my love, my life, my son!
Abbei Abs ughhh
You’re son is lucky to have a mother like you!
Always so sad to hear about someone having kids in their early twenties. Yeah, they love their kids, cool. But if they'd waited they would have had a different kid. And don't they miss that kid? No. Because it never existed. Which is what should have happened to whatever kid you had in your early twenties. Sorry just logic.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 what's your problem though? 😅
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 Why is it sad? my kids had the best childhood with both loving parents with them who had lots of energy to always be present.
I was 20 when I had my baby. Supposedly, that would be an ideal time physically. However, I didn’t get a formal education and therefore work options were severely limited. Pregnancy also destroyed my body and, when I became pregnant a second time, I sustained a back injury so severe (due to the stretching and weakening of connective tissues in my lower back from my first pregnancy) that I miscarried and was rendered permanently disabled. Then education and work became impossible and led to extreme financial strain.
No, pregnancy’s not easy on the body - especially when one doesn’t have a "birthing body" in the first place. Raising a child is also incredibly difficult mentally and emotionally - for the rest of your life. I was a good mom. As good as I could be. I was described as "too perfect" by my - now adult - daughter ... just months before she cut me out of her life.
Being a mother is not the next step. It’s not for everyone and it most certainly is NOT a requirement for a woman to qualify as a woman. If you make the choice not to have children, enjoy your health, education, better job opportunities, extra cash, social life...life in general. I support you and think you’re doing the right thing!
Why didn't you get your formal education FIRST then choose to get pregnant. Seems like that would have created work options for you.
MrAragon131 - I was told by a physician that I would be unable to conceive. That’s the very thing that ended my previous relationship. Unplanned/surprise pregnancies happen all of the time though - even if a doctor says it can’t. The fact remains that pregnancy would have been horrible for my body even if I’d been able to wait until a more opportune time.
Trust me, if I had access to a "reset button", I’d do everything differently.
Jamie Brower oh man I’m sorry your daughter cut you out, I hope things get better for you❤️
well I hope you sued that doctor or at least filed a complaint.
Yes I too feel sorry that your daughter cut you out of her life. I have a son who faults me for whatever went wrong. He cut me out of his life n later on, his dad as well (we were divorced when he was a toddler) No matter what our faults, this hurts the 💙 on a very deep level. I had my son at 22/23. I am not highly educated n worklife was hard....even though I did return to school for medical secretarial n later on (40) my high school diploma, just bcz. I have struggled on a low income my entite life. Very challenging. I would advise all young women today, to put education first n many do!!!!
I had all my babies in my 20's I'm now 48 all my children are adults and all working,and I also now work and run my own part time buisness
I was 27 or 28. N pregnant had my kid age 35
Steph, cool. What's your point?
Legal Fiction Natural Fact That having kids young worked out for her :)
Legal Fiction Natural Fact why so rude
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 nothing, she is just sharing her story so back off.
Where is the question: "Is this guy a man who I want to spend my life with?" or "Would he be a good father for my baby?"? Biology is not everything...
Is it ethical to have children in a world with so many basic problems unsolved?
@@kotare86 I always wanted to have children, but in recent years I have become very disheartened because of the environmental crisis. seriously considering for the first time, to maybe not have children if they`re just gonna suffer in a global appocaliplse scenario. I asked my husband if he ever has doubts about children for this reason, and he said no, even in an appocalypse he would still want children. his reasoning being that they addressed this issue in The Walking Dead, and if they can have kids in a zombie appocalipse, there`s always hope XD can`t argue with that, lol
@@momosaku16 lol, yes it seems some people would reproduce no matter what the situation. I sometimes wonder how or why people in North Korean labour camps have kids, given that the whole family are guilty of the crimes of an ancestor, so their kids are basically born as criminals. Maybe that was too of an extreme example, but some people do seem to find it unbearable to not reproduce :)
@@kotare86 I think I get your point, but your example isn`t very good, because the NK labout camps are in a completely different dimention. An escapee wrote a book about this, but basically a lot of kids in there get born because of rape, and if I remember correctly, they also make random inmates get married and have families, so they don`t create any emotional attachments to each other or the kids. and obviously they don`t have birth control, so it`s not like they choose to have kids. the whole conversation here is presuming the woman has access to birthcontrol or abortion
@@kotare86 having a baby isn't just a biological thing though! some people have a strong desire in their hearts to have children, so who are we to tell them not to follow their heart just because of environmental factors?
I had my baby at 31. It felt like the perfect age. Physically I had an ideal pregnancy and birth, and financially I could afford to have a baby. But I miss work. A lot. I'm self-employed and it's hard to run my business with a baby at home, and childcare is difficult to find and very expensive. When I work a lot, my business thrives but I miss my baby. When I spend all my hours with her and not working, I compromise our financial security. It's a tough balance, but it gets easier every month that goes by. I live in Canada though, so I had free healthcare plus I receive a few hundred dollars per month from the government (every family gets this!). I can't imagine living in the USA. I wouldn't have been able to afford my prenatal care and I'd be really financially strained trying to raise a child with high childcare costs.
I would not want to make an baby if we aren't financially stable to raise them..so no getting kids young is not always an option. But I'm thinking on starting the same age as you
What do you do for a living
@@a_star7233 15years..why you even thinking about the right age🙊🤪
Rebel agreed!!!
My husband and I did what we thought we were “suppose” to do. We received our educations, then got married and are building our careers. Now, we find ourselves in our mid 30s, in a hard emotional place, as we are suffering from infertility. Your video has really has helped us see another perspective. Thank you for making it, And if you have any advice, theories, or information regarding infertility I would love to hear it! Thank you again!
I had my first at 19, my second at 30 and now having my 3rd at 45. People ask me if I'm crazy and I can't understand it, if it's my choice and it feels right to me why should it matter?
Nikki Riddle i
Nikki Riddle go girl !!!!
I salute you... stand in your light. My great granny had her 11th child at 53. When she died, he was 51. Your life is your own and so is your body. Don't worry about people who do not own a stake in your life.
amen
Interesting! How did the impact on your body differ each time? Did you have more energy to care for the first than the last?
I don't want children, I don't feel the need to have any, I don't feel like I could cope mentally, I like my calm and my own time. If you have children you're stuck for life. I want to travel, I want to go out and eat in nice restaurants... My mom got very sick when she was pregnant with me, she had blood poisoning, she developed diabetes, and I was born "dead" pretty much. I'm now 30, and I've been in an amazing relationship for 8 years, and I don't want it to change :) Not all women are meant to be mothers, and I'm one of them (and not ashamed about it). People say you're selfish if you don't have children but I think it's worse if you have them but don't really want any.
Its been 2 years...is it still same?
@@snehagaur3463 Yes haha. Nothing has changed in 2 years. (Funny to see such an old comment)
Well I too have reached at age of 33...I don't really want kids right away but my age is at such level that I have to make a conscious decision about it
I’ just got pregnant, I am 33 years old and people ask me why now, in the middle of pandemic, but they don’t know That I have being trying to get pregnant over a year.
I cannot wait time, I am not getting younger and my husbdand neither, he is 42 years old. And when God decided to send me this baby, was the right moment, and this Moment was during the pandemic. I was not able to know that if I wait an other year, until this virus desapear, I could get pregnant so easy. I pray for this baby... So... thanks God. By the way, hear in Mexico, the maternity license is just for 3 months. Not fair.
Good luck girl
I've decided that my 20's are for me. I'll seriously think about kids in my 30's. That's what works for me mentally, physically and financially. Thanks for the video ☺
This really speaks to me on a few different levels. I am a 31 years old career woman, have been married for a year and a half, and really (really) want a family. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married, but haven't been successful so far. I'm so heartbroken, but at the same time I feel so guilty for also feeling sort of relieved because pregnancy absolutely terrifies me to no end (what is it going to do to my body? to me? to my relationships? to my personal time/space? to my freedom? to my career? etc. etc. etc.). It has been an excruciating process so far, and every month I get my period I get sad and cry and feel relieved and guilty and all sorts of things that should not be mixing all together. What the hell is wrong with me? Is my confused state of mind contributing to me not getting pregnant? I'm experiencing so many insecurities, I really don't know how I should feel about the whole thing anymore.
Stéphanie, I would suggest maybe you and your husband should go to a fertility clinic to get some testing done. Usually, Drs say to try a year naturally and then seek medical testing if nothing happens by then. I believe it's 6 months if over 35. See what your results say and then decide what you both want to do.
My husband and I have been through it and getting our results and having time to think things over seriously gave us our clear answer. At one point, when having a hard time conceiving, I wasn't too sure if I wanted to or should become a mother anymore (self-doubt). These feelings and fears come and go. But I do suggest you both get tested. I hope this won't be your case (I would never wish infertility on anyone).
I wish you the best of luck.
There's nothing wrong with you. The calling for motherhood is a natural thing to feel when you have it and the relief of not having a child yet is understandable, however if this comment helps... I have a girlfriend that was in the same situation, the moment she relaxed about the situation she got pregnant, all those worries may not make your body feel that is safe to have a child, and that's just a natural response.
Stephanie, I've heard before, I don't remember from what source. Conceiving babies you need to be relaxed. If you really want children then work on relaxing. Both you and your husband. Having babies is a natural process. Almighty God designed women to have children.
Both me and my sister got pregnant in a long holiday abroad, over 2 weeks very far from home
Stéphanie Lajoie are you pregnant now? Making babies is difficult, I’m 36 and have been trying for 5 months but no luck yet 😭😭😭
Being financially stable when having children is super important and was barely touched on at all.
Absolutely!
Common sense
@@thelastactionn3gro430 you say that like the average American has common sense.
@@jillyedge 😂😂
Yes, absolutely, thats what I was looking for when I found this video. Moms opinions on how much it costs or how “financially stable” you should be before having kids. I feel like I’m going nuts because I want kids so bad but I probably can’t afford it right now, which crushes me:/
Had my baby at 22, as I wanted to build a family around me with my partner. I'm finishing my undergraduate biology degree with the help of my partner, childcare and the amazing thing that is the Norwegian government (one year paid maternity leave and monthly financial help for five years after) Its hard being a student and a mom but I count my blessings every day!!
I’m 25 and just got my PhD, but have never been in a relationship. Feel like I’m married to science. This video hit home.
My choice was that once i turned 35 if i didn't have children then that was it. So no children for me. And im ok with that.
I love a woman who knows how to make a decision! 😆
heidi coyle 44 over here! I'VE never been married and therefore never had the chance to consider having children. No regrets 🙋👍
Omg, me the opposite: I want to have children only after 35. I am 30 and I still wanna do many things without a little bun to care. I think in these 5 years I need to do my homework. Then I wanna have at least 3 kids if not 4 or 5. Some by birth and some adopted. Each womannis a world.
I LOVE this. I'm currently 32 and weve been discussing it. While I'd be overjoyed to have a kid now, I honestly feel like I'll be even more stable and ready to settle when I'm 34 or 35. I NEVER wanted to have kids before 31, we never talked about it. I can't imagine having a kid in your 20's. Way too young.
I am 38 and now i know it: no children for me. And that's fine too :)
I really wish that equal paid maturity and paternity was world wide.
Vicky Mc I LOVE the Freudian slip
I had 5 kids between the ages of 23 and 33. I carried the insurance for my family during the first 2 pregnancies. And then worked from home for the next 3. So the most time that I ever had off was 6 unpayed weeks. I love my kids and I wouldn't change anything but it was very hard both physically and mentally for me. Thing need to change here in America.
Why should any employer have to pay for your sexual choices?! This makes absolutely no sense!!!
I got married when I was 24 and i am working now. I tell my husband all the time that I want to be a stay at home mom
We don't always get to choose to have children when we're young. We don't all find ourselves in steady long-term relationships in our 20s. Sometimes we're not emotionally ready to be in a steady relationship. Sometimes we don't meet the 'right' person until later. I married at 30. We waited a year before trying to get pregnant so that we could settle into married life. It took 7 months to get pregnant with my twins, whom I lost in the second trimester. It took another 7 months to become pregnant with my eldest child, so I ended up being 33 when I become a mother. I had my fourth child at 39. (I wanted between 3 and 5 children and gave myself a cut-off of age 40... because I had had such a late start.) And I did not have any extra testing done due to my 'advanced maternal age' because I chose to have a midwife oversee my prenatal and postpartum care. I was able to opt out those tests.
And I will say this: Each pregnancy was harder and harder on my body. I'm sure that my age did play a role in this. (I also had some pre-existing joint and back issues, which only worsened during pregnancy.)
I do not know. I just keep wondering if now is a good time. But In only have one boy and he is everything to me. I even do mistakes at work when he is away. I can tell that even if I am not there every second, I still from the main support for him.
Thank you for your story
Sounds like it all worked out for you. I believe that was what Mayim was getting at, everyone is different.
singwisevocals this gives me hope. Thank you ❤️
I made the choice to not have children and sometimes I still feel bad about it. It seems so ingrained that we’re supposed to be mothers. I live in the suburbs with my long-term partner and I feel like I’m still the odd woman out. Some people are still asking me if I have kids or want them. I find it hard to say I never felt the calling for motherhood and perhaps it was because I had parents who weren’t suited for parenthood. Also, I’m definitely past my prime fertile years. It’s now become more comfortable and I’ve accepted this choice mostly, but society puts pressure on women to reproduce when it’s just not suitable for everyone.
April Baum If kids weren't for you, you shouldn't feel bad. You aren't less of a woman or a bad person or selfish for choosing not to have children. If you are happy with your life that is what matters.
I hate that it's so expected of women. If you're unsure of having kids, then don't have kids. You made the right choice for yourself and that's all that matters.
My “baby” just turned 39 today. When I had him at 29, I was considered a higher risk pregnancy because of my age as a first time mother. I had tried a few years before with no luck. Then had no insurance. But, if we’d waited til we felt we could afford a child, we’d probably never have had him. He was kind of oops, so it was taken out of the decision making process. We decided for me to stay home as long as we were able to afford for me to. We didn’t always have the best and newest of everything, but we had food, shelter, clothing and lots of love. Our bills were all paid and I got to be a part of my son’s life every day. And I got to volunteer and be a part of his school life on a regular basis. That was more precious than expensive clothes, jewelry, or cars.
Marguerite Peaden w
Marguerite Peaden that’s so sweet!
I did the same thing, Marguerite. Only I did it four times. Like you I don't regret a second of the time I spent doing it. Yeh we had bupkis in the way of "stuff" but luckily the women in my circle all felt as I did about motherhood so we didn't ask too many pointy questions about "wardrobes" or our kids' summer play clothes, lol!. That was a long time ago...I'm 74 and had my oldest at 20. They were and still are the greatest achievement of my life and are my best friends to this day.
Marguerite, 29 is not Advanced age. LMFAO. That killed me. I am now dead.
Caroline, you need to work on having actual achievements instead of heaping that on your kids.
Wanted to be in a stable, healthy relationship. Had to do work on myself to get my life that way. Finally starting at age 40 and baby is due later this year at 41 yo. I’m happy I waited and the development is going well so far. :)
By the time you read this your baby is born. Congratulations❤
There is another option like child free life. Not every human can be a good parent.
And the planet can do with less people in it for a bit.
Childfree are the kind of people who would make better parents. Ironically.
Not every person wants to be a parent
Or wants to be.
Not every "good" parent wants to be a parent, a decision you can never change:(
This video helped normalize the feelings I am going through right now as I'm approaching 28 this summer. I'm seven weeks pregnant and there was a small voice in the background that said "Maybe I should have waited..." Reassurance in myself has killed that voice and your content will help keep it that way. Thank you!
Katie Elizabeth Nelson also 7 weeks!
Congrats!
I was 38 when I had my first and I had a healthy happy pregnancy. I also had a healthy Home birth. So don’t knock “older moms”
she's not knocking them! she's just scientifically explaining that there is a higher risk.
I’m a surgical resident in Canada and I LOVED hearing your thoughts on this topic. Thanks for posting :)
I'm a woman in my early 30 with no interest on having children. I don't agree or share a lot of what you say but I admire the kindness and understanding in which you advance your arguments.
I think a lot about financial and emotional fitness as well as physical. Can I financially support a child or am I willing to make cuts elsewhere in order to do so? Do I have the emotional strength, patience to raise a child? I only speak for myself but I think the root of me not wanting children stems from me acknowledging that I may not be in the right place emotionally to do so. My personality and emotional health, despite being biologically predisposed, makes me unable to care for young properly.
In Romania you have 2 years paid after you gave birth and few months also paid before giving birth.
But this means a lot of time for your career, a lot of opportunities missed and not a chance to be promoted.
Levender benjomiros 6 weeks unpaid and half the time when u come back they fire u anyway for daring to get pregnant go USA!
Enjoy it!! But like a good Romanian, you complain wtf! Be grateful!
Nikki Mieszala No kiddo, all that for undertaking the various risks associated with gestation/childbirth and then providing 24/7 care to the next generation of hopefully productive members of society. If you don’t think that’s an important task, I’d invite you to look at what people become when their parents didn’t provide them with a decent standard of care in early childhood - it ain’t pretty.
Nikki Mieszala I said kiddo because frankly it’s hard to imagine anyone else being quite so gleefully asinine. Nobody’s saying reproduction makes anyone “special” or somehow miraculous - the maternity period allotted is not provided on the basis of “specialness”, but on the basis that the government in question believes that having a mother/parent fully present for the first couple of years is of significant benefit to children, and therefore ultimately to the benefit to society more generally. Which is obvious enough that you’re clearly cognisant of it yourself, which makes your original comment all the more obviously about getting your own rather quaint kicks for talking about hot loads in cunts rather than, you know, attachment theory and the importance of consistency of caregiving in early years.
Nikki Mieszala I agree that more people should adopt, but it’s absurd to imply that people should stop reproducing altogether - if the population of a nation slips below replacement rate (2 children per couple or thereabouts) it’s an absolute catastrophe. An ageing population with no workers to care for them, to work and keep the economy and general infrastructure going, etc etc. It’s happening in Japan right now and it’s economically and socially devastating. In Denmark things are going the same way and it’s got to a level of destructiveness that the government are having to actively incentivise having babies by giving couples who do so a free holiday.
That children rattling around the care system need adopting and that babies need to be born are not mutually exclusive concepts - far from it, in fact. They’re both entirely true.
The world *is* overpopulated in places, but broadly speaking, not in the West - quite the opposite. We’re certainly over-consuming as a species, but that’s a bit of a separate issue.
I just love your open minded approach on any subject your discuss and the way you make your points. I could listen to you for hours.
I am thinking about having kids and this is by far the best advice I have ever gotten. Thank you!
The background, your thumbnails and your topics are on point!!! you've been killing youtube lately!! ❤
This is very sweet, thank you!
Mayim Bialik You're welcome but we should be thanking you for doing these videos! ❤
The question is also whether or not someone will have children at all.
This video assumes all women want children.
I don't think this video assumes all women want children... the topic is when to have a child, so it's assuming if you're watching it, you're a woman who is thinking about having children (not that all women do).
I LOVE how raw you are in all your videos. You are AWESOME!
I’m currently in the stage of choosing what’s right for me and hearing your thoughts on this was helpful. Thanks, Mayim~
Sometimes even if you want kids when you're young, you just aren't ready. I really take my privilege of being able to decide when I become a mother seriously because for so long women did not have this privilege. I also want to make sure I'm emotionally and mentally sound. I don't want to be a broken parent creating/raising broken children.
Society and selfish family members (like, family who want grandkids, for example) complicate matters extremely.
And true, nobody's boss should ever have any say about someone's childbirth decisions. That is an extreme overreach and should be legislated against.
What a strong topic, I'm happy that you chose to talk about this! We need a whole year for maternity and paternity leave in the U.S. for sure!
Love how educational your videos are!
Something I have been thinking about recently! Also, I love you and your videos, you helped inspire me to become vegan ❤️
Amie Dahl good for you!!!
We are trying to have a baby - fingers crossed! I’m 32 and a lawyer - the idea of giving up work is scary.
Rebecca Ramsden Good luck
thank you for a very honest conversation about babies/ children
I wished your video continued on and on... I'm a 30 years old Ph.D. student who is about deciding to have a baby or not but I struggle a lot when thinking about dis-advantages that it could have for my future professional life. Thanks Mayim for picking these important subjects and make a video for us xx
I'm 25 now, but still don't have babies, boyfriend and husband. Only me. 😂😂
Yup
Same
That's awesome. I have 3 kids and I love them. And I have a friend who hates kids and doesn't want any and we both think we're awesome. {You can tell I'm a mom from this post}
I Made the choise not to have children for now, because of my medical situation. I didn’t want my child to be handicapt because his/her mother wanted a kid “no matter what”.
I think people (not just mothers) should think more about when and why they want to have children. Good video!!
Manouk Adriaans-Verkerk That’s something my best friend and I have talked about a lot. Can she justify having kids knowing she could pass on a genetic illness? It’s a hard decision but adoption is an option luckily if she chose to be a mother
I worry that my heart hurting from not being a mum is from a completely jealous and selfish place.
I worry I too would pass on genetic mutations that would make life difficult for any children I could carry. (Some of my mutations are cool though -one blue eye, one green, for example...but being teased when tint wasn’t easy...! Now it’s a cool thing, but who knows what people will decide tomorrow!)
I’m now part of Glasgow Disability Alliance and have friends with all sorts of abilities and talents... it’s making me reevaluate things.
Lily A. : for me foster care is a serieus option. Even now, my doctors all assured me I could try, I serieusly thing of not taking the risk. But it is my decision, not my family, not my work, only me and my husband can make that choise.
I feel strangely strong by knowing I am not the only One with this difficult choise.
Manouk Adriaans-Verkerk I would almost certainly not be allowed to foster/adopt: I’d love to. I have so much love in my heart. But the powers-that-be make it so hard ...
I say this... I’ve never actually looked into it. But, today I am homeless (through no fault of my own.) I’m not in a good mental space to look into things, I would see them and twist everything into negatives.
Adoption is another thing, my mother wanted kids of her own! But she got me and my brother! She’s blessed, I don’t remember how old she was, but I know that she loves us! She tells us, also by telling us life lessons too. I just wanna say thank you ☺️ for the advice too!!!! You’re an inspiration to all
Passing this along to my daughter who is expecting her first child in 2 months and is going through the same issues you are talking about in your video. Such good and comforting advice, thanks Mayim!!
Thank you for talking about this. I'm 24 and currently thinking about children, but financially I don't think I'm ready for that mile stone. My husband and I both work, I know I would like to be home with my children until they reach toddler ages, but as it stands now I can't stop working or else we lose financial stability. It is very frustrating and heart breaking thinking about the scenarios over and over..
I'm 26, married and I feel a lot of pressure to have kids now. But I'm not ready and scared. Only now I feel like I know what to do with my life and career. I tried defferent jobs, went through a depression and now I just want to enjoy life and do things I like. I want kids, but I also want them to have a happy mother with no regrets...
I love this. It is hard to make those decisions, parenting can be messy and there is no perfect answer. I love how you validated at home moms without judging working moms. I've been both, and both situations have their own challenges.
Hi Mayim!
Just wanted to leave a comment saying how much I love these videos! They're really so profound and have taught me so much!
Bailey.
you're like a supergirl Mayim.i don't know how you can do all this.Thanks for this video.
Also a choice: no children at all! It works out just great for many of us.
Exactly. I see many unemployed people, healthcare systems under strain, even food banks are a thing in the West, pollution etc....so I often wonder that if our system can't cope with the amount of people here right now, why not introduce less people to the world and give them a better quality of life. Quality over quantity.
Love this video! Wish there had been more discussion like this 10 and 20 years ago instead of just always hearing that I should wait all that time
Thank you for sharing your stories. Hearing you taking about women's issues openly is encouraging. We have many challenges in common, and yet each family has its unique issues. Knowing the fact many people are working hard to overcome challenges in life make me feel that I am not alone. Your optimism can influence a lot of people.
My baby is just about to be 7 months old. My regnanncy was unplanned. I wondered about this question myself. I believe that it's the best time for me to have my baby I finished my graduate's degree two years ago and now I work from home. :) I'm so happy because your experience is so relatable for me. Thank you for sharing. In Colombia we say 'el tiempo de Dios es perfecto' as in 'God's timing is perfect' and it has worked for me. I love being a mom and for some people I'm a failure... I'm probably the happiest failure I have ever known
Thank you for sharing, Ana Maria. Congratulations on your family and degree.
Unplanned? If you're having sex then you're planning a possible baby, really?!
You can adopt too 😀
Adpot cost money
That does not always work out either!
@@andreafoxx7722 i think that if you can't support those costs, should you really have kids? Can you support them?
This is super helpful! I appreciate how honest you are. Thanks for taking the time to make this video.
Mayim, I've had 4 healthy, naturally conceived babies SINCE my 40th birthday...including twins. I was a fashion designer, education & career came first. I have 6, my 1st at 33. My mom had me at 45. I "am" an old soul since the egg I was conceived from would be 91 years old this year.
My mother had me at 38 and was climbing ropes in the gymnasium at eight months pregnant. She was a PE teacher and physically very fit. So to a certain extent I agree with you but I also think that a baby will come to you if and when it's the right time for you. Most mother's I don't think regret having kids later or earlier. The universe will give you what you need when you need it. I totally believe this so I don't think there can be any wrong time for anyone. It's the universe that gets to decide not us. Xxxx
Same! My mum had me when she was 38 and worked right up until she went into labour.
Glad I'm not the only one and welcome to the club. xxx
Thank you Alexis- I'm 37 and currently pregnant with my first. Life doesn't always go the way we plan it and a lot of us struggle. Life happens when it happens; I can't agree with you more!
Beautiful words 🙏🏻♥️
Thank you ...that is what I believe
I think I've been years trying to decide if and when and all the things that will change, and everything that comes with this. Come on Mayim, did you read my mind struggling on that topic? I'm about to be 37 and still don't know what todo, if to do it, or not. *sighs again* What I have really clear is that ANYBODY can make me decide, I will decide myself with my partner, that's the only thing I'm 100% sure about. Even working at home, a lot of things crossed my mind about if it's the right time, or not, and what to do later. Difficult decision in my life.*sighs for the 1000 time*
I am 35 and will soon start trying for a baby ,but I am in no rush despite this talk of over 35 high risk...it’s in God s hand and His will will always be done.thanks Mayim! Assalamualeikum,Shalom ,Peace:):)
I am 25 and currently 13 weeks pregnant. I was so worried that work was not going to understand, but everyone there was extremely happy and supportive. The only thing that sucks is I'm due in early October. I know i won't loose my job, but the holiday season is really important for my work ( work retail). I just know I will need to go back before my 8 weeks are up. My job isn't making me go back, but my mind and loyalty to this position is. I will say having a supportive work place has made this pregnancy so much easier, and I am grateful for it.
One of the topics I recently thought a lot about. *sighs*
I'm so lucky to live in Sweden and not having to worry about this. Here you get a year paid maternity leave. The dads have some time off too (I don't remember how long) and I believe we can devide most of that year off between the parents as they wish. Why don't all countries have this!
I'm thinking about these kind of things more and more now since I'm turning 24 and getting close to my ideal time in life to have kids. My plan is to have kids when I have graduated university and worked for some time at least, so within 2-3 years.
Linnea Ja när det kommer till att skaffa barn verkar ju Sverige vara väldigt bra ändå! Man tar bara för givet att man får vara hemma minst ett år när man får barn🙈 Men så är det ju inte alls överallt😔
I live in Sweden too :)
Thank you so much Mayim, I know I'm 16, but I constantly worry about balancing my career with my domestic ambitions.
A video suggestion: women who choose not to have children. My sister in law has been diagnosed with MS. A disease she knows well because her mom has it too. She doesn't want to have a baby and not be able to care for him, run with him, etc. Although it's a very sensible decision, many friends and relatives don't understand it and question it constantly. It's her decision. And one that was hard to make, she had to mourn the life she imagined. If some people can't understand her situation, how would they understand a healthy woman who doesn't want to have children? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Kind regards from Germany
Regarding MS. Has she looked into the important role of vitamin D? If not she should look up Dr. Coimbra and his protocol. He has done tremendously helpful things for MS patients with high doses of vitamin D. There is a german FB group for people doing this protocol.
Not to mention many of those same people questioning her decision will also look at a stressed out mom in the parking lot of a grocery store screaming at her toddler who is darting in front of cars while trying to get her baby to stop crying and say "You know, some people just shouldn't have kids." Yeah, some people shouldn't have kids, and if someone makes the decision that they are one of those people who shouldn't have kids, you shouldn't harass them and tell them they don't know how to make this decision for themselves!
Hi! It has been proven that a plant-based diet can improve and even cure MS. She might want to read about it and then consider being a mom :) Good luck and blessings!
Not really appropriate for her to discuss since she has children.
One of my biggest concerns when considering having children was the fact that a genetic disorder, with a 50% chance of passing it on, is prominent in my families lineage. I have three kids now and none of them have it. The point to my rambling is that, this was a deciding factor I had to consider that wasnt mentioned in your video.
As for the paid maternity we have 1 year and, many are trying hard to push for more because 1 year doesnt feel long enough. Then there is the debate of can we afford the time off even with paid mat leave there isnt always enough income coming in(up here it's only 60% of your take home pay) and the need to go back to work to provide for our family. Life has many curves and factors in it. Even the best laid plans can have road blocks and forks.
Great vid, Mayim! I was just thinking about this a few days ago. I married young and had babies all through my 20's and now I'm about to turn 30 and I'm thinking I could physically, emotionally and financially have one more then be done. I have LOVED spending my most prime baby-makin' years doing just that! 😊
I applaud your decision. You are so open & Honest. You are so Awesome.
I chose not to have children, although I love them, and agree with what you said about it being your choice. Not your boss, mother, just you and your partner. 👍🏻❤️
I'm 31 and I'm ready, for nine months my partner and I were trying for a baby. Seven weeks ago I finally got that much wanted positive pregnancy test and for those weeks we've been excitedly preparing. I experienced all the normal signs of pregnancy and had some terrible morning sickness and some vomiting (which everyone told me was completely normal). I had my meetings with the midwife and blood tests and everything was normal. Two days ago we had our 12 week scan and sadly we found out we didn't have a baby. Instead I had had a Molar pregnancy. Completely random, no one can tell us why it happened and it will probably not happen again. Yesterday I had the cells that have been growing and duplicating in my womb removed and all my pregnancy symptoms have vanished. We're devastated but we understand it could be worse, a lot worse. The kicker is I won't be able to start trying again for a year on doctors orders or I run the risk of developing cancer and it not being diagnosed due to the pregnancy. I feel like my clock is ticking and time is running out. My point is.. we can have our plans but they don't always work out.
Sam Walker oh, that's sad. Sorry for this. I had 3 miscarriages at 33 and gave up trying, then at 40 wanted to try again and it was not happning! Hope you can work it out. I know what thinking you're 4 months pregnant and then you're not is like. Awful!
Use the year to build you health ,good luck
Thanks guys. Sadly I’ve been told I do have cancer as a result and will be starting chemo shortly. Oh isn’t life funny :(
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this!~!~ There's a lot of new innovation in the field, I think you can certainly hope for the best. Life is downright mean sometimes....but we almost always overcome. Take care!
I am so sorry to hear this story - my mom is a vicar (priest) and sees many sad things like this. She sees many recoveries also. I hope you will be okay and I am sure you will find the right path for you also. Don't give up hope xx
I'm in my 30s and planning. Since I'm on meds that can affect the fetus, my priorities also include my condition, meds, physical health to ensure I'm fit and a healthy environment is built that doesn't attack the new life that will grow in my uterus. Up until now, I didn't really want to have a child yet because I've been busy studying, working, moving from one country to another. Adjusting to these itself have been overwhelming for me that I didn't want to bring another life into the world which I cannot support financially and emotionally. I love watching your videos as they are so informative and validating. Plus I'm a mental health professional wanting to be a neuroscientist, so you're my role model! 💜
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! I needed to see this today.
This video didn't mention the possibility that maybe you SHOULDN"T or don't have to have children at all as a woman. Shouldn't that be a consideration as well? Maybe you should NEVER have children! It's sometimes a hefty decision for the women who choose not to & is made all the worse when it seems to not even be a consideration in our society. I'm 36 & clear with my intentions to not have children & still get asked on a regular basis when I'm having kids. It feels almost cultish in its dogma.
@Rytas Saltas shut up, she can do whatever she wants. It's 21st century already, the world has enough people to not go extinct.
Women who don’t want kids probably would search for a video like this though...not everything is a personal attack geez
This video is made for an audience for people who will have kids at some point. She isn’t forcing you to have kids. People get so mad about the dumbest things.
23, If my body is literally ready for babies then why is my mind still functioning like a teenager?
Thank you for this video, this is a decision as a business owner I struggle with between my head and my heart ❤️
Thank you for the video. This topic is always in my head.
Would have liked more emphasis on the fact that choosing to not have children ever is also a valid (and selfless) decision in our over populated world. Too many people have children because they feel they should, rather than because they’ve thought it through and made an informed decision that parenthood is for them.
the sad thing is that people who should not be having any more kids continue to do so, while the less ignorant choose not to, because the world is overpopulated. But overpopulation is not caused by women who have 2,3 kids, it's caused by women who have 8 or more.
Overpopulation isn't real
I wish more people didn't put their own option onto to you when i say i hve chose not to have children that "ill change my mind, its the best decision you'll make, wait til you meet the right partner " ect ect and its a bit frustrating at times
We should support each other no matter the choice...
I loved the honest and positive talk :) We need it so much.
I watched several videos back to back and now it makes sense why you look familiar, you are Blossom, whoa.😂
Love the honesty in these by the way and the subject of this particular video is what is on my mind all the time🤯.
Thank you!
This helped me realize the alternatives of child care /pregnancy I can have. Great video mayim! ❤️❤️
Never. There, I answered the question.
Love this, thank you so much Mayim!
This is such an important topic! Thanks so much for the video!
My main concern thinking about having children is that it would change me as a person too much and I would become one of those annoying people who only care about their children and nothing else, and that I'd lose the sense of who I was before.
"when is it most convenient for my boss for me to have a baby?"
🤣 Funny but true. I'm gonna start asking my boss now lol
Mayim, I really appreciate this video. You present this topic in a sensitive yet straight forward fashion. I think that it will help any young person who watches it
This video has help me with my struggle with my disier to become a mom. Thank you.
There's not a right time...regardless of scientific facts, career, love life, etc....
That’s the truth.