Is Your Parent a Narcissist? - Terri Cole
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
- If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you’ve likely experienced some behaviors that would seem totally crazy or even unbelievable to other people.
You know first hand what it feels like to have your needs go unmet when you were a child. To feel invisible. To have to care for instead of being taken care of. To never be loved the way you needed to be loved.
To a real narcissist, they are the center of all worlds. Not their family, not their spouse, and sadly, not their children.
Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most incredibly painful experiences there is. Dealing with this through your developmental years and into adulthood can leave a lasting impact on…
- your self-esteem and self-worth,
- how you understand and manage your emotions,
- how you value your own needs and desires,
- the quality of all of your relationships (and, honestly, your life!)
It can also be extremely isolating, because there’s a lot of societal pressure to have a great relationship with your parents and to respect them no matter what, right?
Unfortunately, this is a topic that I get asked about a lot, and you know that I am dedicated to sharing anything and everything I can to raise awareness around mental health, to lessen suffering and to help you better understand yourself…so that you can heal.
In this week’s episode, I pull back the curtain on narcissism and give you 20 real-life behaviors, signs and signals your parent might exhibit if they are a narcissist. Because you deserve to be seen.
Grab the guide for this episode here:
www.terricole.com/is-your-par...
Sounds True Understanding Narcissism Summit: www.soundstrue.com/products/u...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction from Terri
3:20 - 1: Narcissists are boundary bullies
3:41 - 2: They use codependency to control you
5:20 - 3: The love of a narcissistic parent is conditional
5:53 - 4: It's always about them
7:00 - 5: They are vengeful
7:30 - 6: They want attention
8:00 - 7: They are massive guilt-trippers
8:58 - 8: Narcissistic parents are competitive with you
12:25 - 9: They take credit for your accomplishments
13:26 - 10: They are thin-skinned
14:03 - 11: They are terrible listeners
15:00 - 12: They can be rude or critical
15:25 - 13: They are controlling
15:47 - 16: Narcissistic family systems are unfair
16:56 - 14: They gaslight you
18:15 - 15: They parentify you
18:49 - 17: They project
20:06 - 18: They do not have the capacity for empathy
22:01 - 19: They're always right
23:07 - 20: They are invested in outward appearances
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
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RESOURCES:
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
No No Narc: I created this course to teach you the strategies I’ve used for more than 2 decades in my psychotherapy practice to help women break free of dysfunctional patterns and learn how to prioritize themselves. www.terricole.com/nnn-special...
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
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#terricoleshow #narcissism #narcissisticfamily - Розваги
My mother is a textbook narcissist, and I knew this even years before everyone on the internet started saying every jerk they knew is a narcissist. I remember being 12 years old looking up symptoms of diagnosis on the internet because her behavior was so toxic I just needed answers. She matched the symptoms of a sociopath, so I thought thats what she was, but no, she is actually a narcissist. Growing up with a mother like that was awful, you can literally feel the lack of love, like a huge void.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Give yourself space and set those boundaries so you can focus on your health.
Me too,it was a HELL and I was scapegoat too ..
You are right, being basically mean or jerky is NOT narcissism! I did an entire presentation on this online for my Psychology degree, talking about how we need to stop overusing the term, because those raised by one or two of these knows very well the severity of the disorder, which is not merely narcissistic traits that many parents have. It goes above and beyond that.
Sociopaths can actually have NPD as comorbidity🤗
I am the same. From when I was 3 year old my mother told neighbors she did not want me, I have to try very hard to please he, being her maid waiting on her, she said to my face, your eyes not big enough, your nose bridge is low, your face is too wide, when I was only 7 year old the home nanny was gone, I was spent most of my time with nanny not her, she began to gave me silent treatment, I bring water to her, asked if she needed anything I can do for her , she wouldn’t even look at me , I kneeled to her if I did anything wrong I will change please talk to me… she gave a little child weeks stone wall silent treatment even did not want look at me. I have been punished did not even know why. she tells lies when I was 8 I noticed , and she lying all her life, throwing temper tantrum to me, treats me like a maid ordered me do all the chores… now, I am 69, I realized my mother is a covert narcissist.
being an empath and having two narcissist parents is literally the biggest blessing and curse of my life, its not me its them and i cant heal them.
Well said!
My Mother does every single thing in this list. Took me 39 years to recognize that she was a narcissist. I will say she always pretended to have super empathy so she always had me confused on that. I’m just realizing recently that it is all one big act. They are master manipulators. So even if your parent pretends to be empathetic they could be faking. That’s where a lot of people get confused on them. Prayers to all going though this!
My mom is very covert as well. Their "empathy" is phony and manipulative for some other goal. She doesn't have relationships, she has transactions. Always projects her own flaws, issues, and behaviors onto other people, and always something "wrong" with everybody else. She'll manipulatively lie or bait as a pretext to act up, then claim it's because she's "concerned."
They thrive off gossip, drama, and the pain of other people, so you can’t share any personal information with them because it'll be smugly used against you. They’re completely untrustworthy.
Narcs are emotionally reactive but shame others for their emotions, so can't show even minor annoyance or anything with them. They expect you to tolerate treatment that they would be deeply offended by. Any information, emotions, reactions, any little thing will be used against you.
No accountability, no ability to self-reflect, no understanding of how their toxic behavior affects others. They will not change.
Me too just realizing my mother's disorder at 39 and I'm not surprised if I'm all screwed up 😅
This video is so timely. I can relate to the $20 dollar bill example. My narc mother would always say: “Did you take, or do you have my this or that?” But, she would always ask ME before looking for it herself to see if the “missing” item was still in its proper place (book on the bookshelf, etc). I would always have to deny that I took, borrowed or used it. And, she always said it in such an accusatory fashion. The irony is that every time, she either misplaced it herself, or it was right where it was supposed to be. They want to blame you for taking something before they even looked to see if it was missing! They always think the worst and they always want to blame shift.
Yes. I know that all too well. I'm sorry that you went through that. I pray your strength in the Lord in the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ of NAZARETH. The name above ALL names. AMEN.
The other day my mother was raging at me-for the umpteenth time - and I was devastated, again, 38 years if age. And I was so sad that I looked for videos to cheer me up and I came across your channel and it felt so good to hear you say that nothing is wrong with me but with her way of treating me: big thank- you!
It actually does have something to do with you and it's your lack of boundaries with her. Something we never learned growing up with controlling narc parents.
The accuracy of this video makes me extremely uncomfortable. It’s effected me so much. Learning to create boundaries.
I see you. Take your time and be sure to be taking care of yourself.
Same here. I had to almost stop watching the entire video because it hurts so bad to finally find out why someone was so terrible to me all these years.
@@ganzo86 It felt great for some of us over 10 years ago to finally have a name for this! Even as children, my sibling knew something was wrong.
omg "the child within us wants them to be different." Yes, so much yes. So many times I start to get reeled back in because I just want her to be different.
Than you, Terri. I am 58, and I am no contact with my mother. Every single criteria you mentioned, is 100% accurate in my narc case with my mother. I hope this video will help others. This is such an extremely painful thing for a child to endure, and the pain extends into adulthood, for sure.
Thank you for sharing April. I'm sending you strength.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM I appreciate that, Terri🙏
Angie J I feel your pain...they love to scream, I know. Just stay strong. Remember this one true thing, “To thine own self be true”. I take that as sometimes you have to choose yourself instead....I send you peace, and healing thoughts🙏
"Golden Child...this role is not free..." First time hearing this, and it is spot on! Your work is greatly appreciated, thank you Terri 👍
Both of my parents are. My Mom is overt (but can turn covert when needed) My Dad is way more covert. I discovered all of this during the summertime of this year. I also realized that everyone that I was dealing with is toxic. It's been tough but I've been set free and I'm really living for me.
My Mom is also overt and Dad was covert and would you believe I have 2N adut children, yes I am living for me now! just took a trip over Thanksgiving, first peaceful holiday, it is about time, freedom!
I had the same revelation this summer! Though I don't think my dad is a narc. An alcoholic, yes, but not a narc. It's mind blowing realizing all this and then seeing how many people in your life are toxic, as you said! Even people I upheld as my "best friends" turned out to be toxic and self-serving. It's like as soon as I started getting healthy and putting up boundaries, they started disappearing from my life.
I'm witnessing you and I'm glad you're moving forward towards freedom and health.
Damn, the moment you said "they're competitive with you, I broke down in tears." Def my experience.
All so very true and spot on. Thank you for putting this out. Our world desperately needs more awareness about this problem.
Lol YES. Parents competing with their own kids is just. so. WEIRD!
Yes, I agree, weird, and I might add so very SAD.
You're welcome! I agree, it's important to be having conversations about this topic so that we can find clarity about our relationships and make conscious choices.
Oh my gosh this is so my mom. She did the birthday gift thing last week... My mother-in-law sent me a book, a lovely, thoughtful and small (as in, not threatening) gift, and I mentioned it in passing to my mom who immediately reminded me of the skirt and shirt she bought me for my birthday. It's so silly for her to get like that about literally a book. I appreciated it and the reason she picked it, etc, but it's just a book. There is always a thing, though. Sadly, I can check a lot of the boxes on the list you share. Great video and a helpful eye-opening reminder for me that stepping back and focusing on my own kids, my mental health, and wonderful husband are the best use of my emotional energy.
I think I’m more mad at myself for taking so many years to finally walk away knowing that the toxicity would break me somewhere down the line. Thank you so much for videos without then I don’t think I would have been able to love them from a distance. I made sure that when she said I’d rather not see or hear you.. that was the last time she actually did. I believe in unconditional love and how I was birthed by this woman I question that daily. My Grandma was an unloving woman who had 9 children. It’s safe to say my mother was likely neglected and not shown love whatsoever.. it’s no wonder IM THE WEIRD one because I have four kids and I praise them a lot and it drives my mom insane.. it’s like night and day..
I'm witnessing you with compassion and I"m glad to hear that the videos are resonating with you. There is no need to beat yourself up. You did the best you could at the time, and you didn't know then what you know now. When we know better, we do better and that sounds like exactly what you did. Keep yourself healthy and end the cycle for your children's sake. I'm cheering you on, mama.
It makes her mad because she doesn't think it's the way to parent, which just shows you my point that if they abuse you in childhood, they abuse you in adulthood.
"they want you to take care of them" omg omg omg yeeeeeeees!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being here!
This has been incredibly helpful to me. I never even thought of my mother as a narcissist because she rarely displays any “grandiose” behaviors, but I guess I really didn’t know the meaning of narcissism and/or how it can show itself ion so many ways. I feel…seen when I listen to your podcast and watch your videos. Thank you for this!
As a grown child of narcissistic parents, everything you said resonated strongly especially the parentifying. My mother did this, she even had me call her boss when she didn't want to go to work from the time I was in the third grade until my early 20's. She talked about sex with all these men she had come around. She told me stuff about my father and that he was the reason the marriage ended. She competed with me. She manipulates, turned my adult children against me. My father likes to tear you down and make you feel small. He is all about public appearances. But there was always an emotional disconnect with him. When trying to explain to him what life was like with her after the split. He made it about him and said she was to get revenge on him. In the last 10 years, with the help of a therapist is how I have been able to see it is not my fault.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad to hear you're working with a therapist and you see this isn't your fault. You deserve healthy love, and you matter. You do not need to play into your mother's narc ways.
Terri, you hit every single button on my list here. You are so so accurate, you know your work and I compliment you on your magnificent show, always fresh and energised and entertaining but most importantly, it's accurate to a point. Thank you for providing information on the DSM information. So valuable.
So glad this was valuable for you 💕
My father is exactly like this. My mother definitely has a lot of these traits too.. omg
I'm a senior and my 83 year old mother asked me to stop wearing my hair up because I might as well cut it off and have short hair and that I should stop putting blond in my hair because it doesn't suit my skin color. I didn't ask for her advice, this is just her way of letting me know that I could do better. She wanted me to be appreciative of the fact that it's been bothering her forever and she was being kind by not telling me sooner because she didn't want to hurt my feelings
When they MARRY each other and somehow stay married for 50-60 years or more! This needs to be emphasized more. Many of them marry fellow narcissists who abuse their own children and they tolerate this from the father.
I stumbled upon this channel today and it is like a breath of fresh air to know I’m not crazy after a lifetime of gaslighting. My narcissistic mother is a therapist and uses her knowledge as a weapon
I'm so glad you found this video and that I could validate your experience, although I am sorry that your mother weaponizes her knowledge against you. That sounds painful. I am sending love ❤️
My mother competes with me in lot of things. Right from my clothes, friends she takes all of them. I am 30 and realised I was the golden child. Now I am in no contact for a year and I feel confident and starting to living my life. She will take all my hard earned money every month saying any stupid reason and I was in the belief that as kids we are entitled to do everything for a parent. When my mother in law gave me a dress, my mother bought the same dress for herself and wore it next time when she came to my mother in law's house. So many times she will take my dresses and jewels saying she wants it for a party and never returns them back. Nearly for a year I saw all your videos and read about narcissism and have come a long way. Decided never to break the no contact. Thanks much for all your videos. Keep going.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are continuing to take care of yourself. Keep your boundaries strong, mama!
Great video. Everything from Your list matches my parent. I'm a scape goat - daughter of a narcissist and I think that gaslighting and projection are the worst. It wreaks havoc in your mind and affects extremely your adult life. Competing with a child is above my uderstanding. My parent can even compete with me about who is more sick... just sad. Thank You for your amazing work! Love
I'm glad to hear it resonated!
Another one is that narc parents sometimes try to dictate their kids' careers so it feed their own egos. My covert narc mom wanted all of her kids to be doctors because she's money-, credential-, and status-obsessed, and that's the pinnacle of it all in her weird narc brain. I pretended like I was applying to avoid her gaslighting, manipulation, and full playbook of narc tactics, then just said I didn't get in.
My mom would use mine and my brothers' accomplishments to shame her sister (and anyone else who had to listen to her). This made me and brothers hate when she would talk about us. I don't think we could have articulated when we were kids why it made us feel so icky, but now I know that's why. She also had a way of getting mad if we weren't being the image of ideal children she wanted us to be. She does stuff like point to other women and saying I'd be cute if I just lost weight or got a tan or did my hair a certain way like whatever woman it is she's pointing out to me. She also makes it about her when I make choices against her ideal. Me moving out of the country became about her and how could I do that to her. Me not having kids yet is about her and how I'm depriving her of grandkids. She also sabotages my dad's image with us kids and the image of his family. She talks shit about him to us and makes him out to be the bad guy in everything and herself a victim. Don't get me wrong, he is an alcoholic with some anger issues, but now that I see my mom for who she is, I wonder sometimes if she's the reason he's such an angry, reclusive alcoholic.
I hear you. Thank you for sharing your story with us here Steph.
Yes,my mother was a narcissist,my father too and my whole family was narcissistic -I was oldest and a scapegoat..
In my whole life untlil now in my 57 year a huge PAIN,a black hole in my heart in whole my life..
A little BETTER now after I acceptet it ,go NO contact , eduacating me about narc parents ,fccus on my self and my HEALING..💗
I'm 46. My mother mollycoddles me. She treats me like a child. I get nervous about telling her things as she will often have a go at me she's good at getting me to react to her. I'm trying not too. I tend to overshare with her. I'm planning on going abroad in a few months and I'm scared to tell her I know how she will react. She has very negative energy she often talks about bad stuff that's going on in her life. She doesn't like many people. She has got rid of all of her friends. She's isolated herself. I'm not sure if she's a narcissist but she's definitely toxic. I cant go no contact. I try to limit my communication with her. I love her but when she's around me she brings me down with her energy and her sharing negative things with me for example my dad her ex husband. I just don't want to hear it. I know he wasn't a good dad or husband but I still love him. I feel much better when I don't see or hear from her.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space as you figure out how to navigate telling your mother about your travels, and hoping you can find some peace abroad ❤️
This entire segment was a condensed overview of my mother
I'm witnessing you.
I adore you Terri💖 This is all so true...I have a narcissist mother and she's a huge reason why I'm in therapy and practice meditation. Thank you so much for this information...🙏🥰
Thank you so much! Very illuminating and confirms a lot. ❤️
Wow! Just mind blowing. I was amazed as the checklist started ticking one after the other. And I've lived all my ife with this. Thank you so much Terri. ❤
Thank you Terri this all is true about my family xx
You're welcome
Well said! Thank you.
Hi, Mom... sigh
Ha, yup. She nailed so many mothers.
Last week I found out that my mother is a narcissistic. I'm not mad at her but I broke up the contact and I feel relieved. Finally I know what's wrong with her. I taught it was only disrespectful behaviour but it's so much more. But now for myself I've to release it and go on with my life, my happiness. Thanks Terri for al your videos. It's so helpful. Love you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Good on you, angel ❤❤ So glad you're feeling relieved. Sending strength your way.
@@terri_cole thanks for your help and lovely words and warm heart Terri, love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙋🙋🙋👍👍👍
Yesssss!! Painfully related to almost all of these. Some points even shed light on things I didn't know why I was was experiencing with her. Makes so much more sense now... I already know the checklist will further confirm these experiences but nice to have it to validate them. Thank you for going into detail on this it really helped put a label on the pain. Really appreciate you!!!🤗🥰
Thank you for being here!
Terri - this video is amazingly great! Thank you. Most of their behaviour is about narcissistic supply and narcissistic injury. My father is the narc. Currently my father is 68 years old and my brother (originally the scapegoat) is now 36 - has a Bc degress, owns 3 houses, married a doctor and has a very cute son - shortly after my nephew was born, father critized my brother for not being successfull enough - for not going to a prestigous university..... I think that my brother's success causes him narc injury yet at the same time father is constantly trying tactics that will get us to do his bidding (narc supply).
Love your videos, such a huge help to me.💜💜
I'm so happy to hear that!
Sending you love and gratitude Terri Cole. I appreciate all your videos and downloads. Many blessings to you in 2020!
Thank you! Back at you mama!!
The summit was great! Enjoyed you and clarissa pinkola estes story on Bluebeard.
I found this accidentally..there are no "accidents " i always thought for some reason only men could be narcissist..how wrong I was!! You described my mother! My mother has done all 20 of these and continues to. Thank you so much for your insight and sharing it with all of us!
So glad you found your way here and that it resonated with you in a way that brought you clarity.
Thank you Terri for the most accurate and to the point lesson. I accept my mother is a narcissist and that the only way is to break free but I live in fear of her leaving this earth and keep going back for “more” abuse, craving for her love, knowing the relationship will never be “normal”.... to the extent, I say to people I love my mother so much I’ll kill myself when she goes. There is no remedy for me. Understanding this lesson helps me understand while she is alive but my fear is so great. Bless you.
I am witnessing you with compassion. You do not deserve abuse of any kind. This can be complicated a lot to unpack alone, sometimes the support of a therapist that specializes in narcissistic family dynamics can help. You can research options in your area here www.psychologytoday.com/us and find support that you need to heal and stay strong.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thank you so very much.
Oh my gosh.. Terri, I did a lot of reading about this topic, but never was I so hit by the way YOU explained It.. I've had a very bad childhood. And today my mother still treats me like an unfit kid. My father is watching her when she's hurting my feelings, and doesn't do anything to stop her. Now I am a mom of twin boys, and I feel good about myself because I give them everything I was hopin' for when I was little.
That realley helps to heal myself.
I see my mother now as the wife my father once married... I now am 48 and still not 'whole'. What helps, is seeïng her as a spoiled toddler. (Why should'nd I; She acts that way..😉)
Love, Inge, The Netherlands
I am 73 years old and still paying the price of being the scapegoat. I have very little confidence and most romantic relationships are with narcissists. The best thing i ever did was write her a letter and shared with my therapist. My mom died in 1998 and she haunts me with nightmares nightmares frequently.
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I'm glad you were able to write that letter and have your therapist witness you.
Thank you I needed this video today x❤
You are so welcome ❤️
Everything you said word for word for wordddddddd
My mother puffs herself up with, not my accomplishments but my tragedies and trials… she takes my difficulties and uses them telling everyone in the village church, and spin them for her own sympathy…she uses my hardships as excuses and attention for herself. As if I am the cause of all her trouble. … it’s so painful because she could stop everything I am going through but she harvests my troubles for her own attention in her circles… “oh sorry I’m all over the place V is xyz right now” then she will gossip and scapegoat me and do nothing to help me, then blame me for my own problems. I can’t go into this here but it’s painful!
Oh my! I visited with my aging narc mother and pussy-whipped father recently. My friend asked how it went. “She’s miserable that I am happy,” was my response. She wanted to shame me for
my two
divorces. Marriages to narc men because they felt
like “home.”
Happiness is
so sweet and, as it turns out, the best revenge.
Geez 20 out of 20 ticked and I feel so sad. As an Asian with moslem culture this is such a painful fact and embarassing to tell. I have been CRAZY figuring out what’s wrong with me, especially my syblings also labled me with “difficult personality”. I guess I just have to cut all the ties which is so difficult in my culture and figure out how to recover.
Can’t believe I am 52 and still sufferring from this (mother still alive). When I turned 52 this week, she managed to manipulate me and put me on a guilt trip. I told her what she did and how dare she ruin my day and then the next day, she texted me AS NOTHING HAPPENED!!!! I promised myself We will see each other when one of us in on the death bed and cannot talk. But even if I’m the one on the detah bed, I’m sure she will manage to torture me.
I'm holding space for you and witnessing you with compassion.
Perfect descriptions of my mother.
I am witnessing you with compassion.
I never really thought about it until now. You described my dad's mom. My dad acts just like her, he's just more obnoxious about it. I was the scape goat.
Love your videos Terry, great content and insight. Really struggle to hear you though, is there anything you can do about sound levels?
Thank you for sharing, Janine! I do use a professional mic, so I'd be sure to check your volume settings. Thank you for being here ❤️
Spot on!
Very helpful as always!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on for having such awareness. Keep taking care of you, I'm sending you strength.
I am both the golden child and the scapegoat... And now I have a little sister, I’m very scared for her future as I plan to get out of this family as soon as possible.
I am sending you strength and protection. Take care of yourself and keep your boundaries strong so you can be healthy until you can leave. Seek support from a counselor if that helps you.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM I’m already in many doctors and meds, this has made a mark on my mind and body.
Thank you for the good energies and the amazing videos.
Yes. My mom got SO angry because we went to a family function last year. My mother was SO angry because I actually got some positive attention. That same relative actually invited ALL myself and her to the function and my son. Then she made a point to leave me and go alone. I heard my relatives talk about how happy she was acting at the function. That is because I wasn't there. It was definitely a competition to her. It's weird, overwhelming, and draining to and for me.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Ladenna ❤️
You look soooo much like one of my friends it’s like her talking to me 💜 I love it
Thank you so much. Thi sis one of the best posts I listened about narsistics parents. Just like my parents and especially my mother. My father and mother are same but during the years that I realized my mother was more guilty because she went along wit t and even she lied to my father many times to make im angry to me.
Thanks for sharing!!
Yes yes and yes it took me 45 years to finally figure out what I was dealing with.
When they use the word OWNER when it comes to the title of the relationship as regards to you.
21:15 the realest words ever spoken
amazing thank you
So true what you said that they have been overindulged. I do think this was the case with my father. Other family members have commented on my father’s behavior and they are baffled because his parents were very loving, sweet people. The thing is though my grandfather was orphaned at 6 years old. He witnessed unimaginable horror in his country before he fled to America. When my grandparents married they had several miscarriages and a year and half prior to my father being born they actually had a baby that later died due to complications. When my father was born he to almost died and I think the fact that they had been through so much they spoiled him rotten and gave him everything to the point where he became a monster and never changed. He learned very early on that if he screamed he got his way and being a big man that did not change as he got older. It’s very sad and I can sympathize with my grandparents but they should have disciplined him.
I am dealing with something that is beyond the word narcissistic with my so called parents/family members.
Wow, 100% right
What can you say about empathic / highly sensitive children of narcissist parents who have developed narcissist behaviors from the influence of their upbringing and are battling this part of themselves?
If someone is aware enough to ask if they have narcissistic behaviors, they are probably not narcissistic. A narcissist would justify their behaviors as necessary, not as problematic. What might be really helpful is to know yourself and your needs really well. What do you need in place to feel safe, healthy and loved? The more you know yourself, the more you can advocate for yourself and your needs. Asking to have your needs met is not selfish or narcissistic, it is loving and it helps others to know you and love you.
As long as you’re aware you’re on the right path! Observe your behavior, identify the source of it if you can, and work on treating the wounds that that behavior is stemming from! You’re not a narcissist but it’s possible to develop traits and coping mechanisms when you’ve been in a toxic environment for so long.
@@terri_cole my mom has alot of traits of narcissist behavior but does show empathy for people and animals so does that means she’s not a narc?
@@wakeupalready2099 A 'narc' is a drug addict. Not a narcissist. I really don't want to hear people mis-using these terms all the time online! a person can have narcissistic traits and still be kind to animals. They treated the dog better than me, u have heard that said before? It's absolutely true, because the dog doesn't talk back and stand up to them. (WW, B.A. in Psychology and Human Services, current MBA student).
@@nenel604 even if you may be right doesn't mean you have to be unkind in your tone.
Thank you Teri. Thats it. Ticked all the boxes. Especially number 8 and 9. My whole life my mum told me all my achievements were hers and that she could have done all that but me being born stopped her. Funny thing is that she messed me up so much that if it wasnt for my will to live and survive I wouldn't be alive today. But she never fails to remind me she will always be better than me, even now that I have pursued God and my faith she keeps telling me that my style doesn't fit me and she knows God better than me and I am lost in seeking my faith in other ways. Other funny fact is I was a scapegoat when I was a teen and now that I started getting successful I see she turned my younger brother into the scapegoat and me as the golden child (even if in no way care about her acknowledgements and expressed it to her several times) but she tries to crush my brother's spirit by comparing him to me and my other brother (who was the previous golden child until he moved out) and telling him he isnt worth anything. It's really heartbreaking. I wish people who are really broken and dysfunctional gets at least enough awareness to not bring a child into this world to mistreat.
I"m witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you. I am sending you strength.
@@terri_cole Thank you.
Thank you
You're welcome!
Well, there is a movie based on a true story called Mother Knows Best, Too Close to Home, and Sins of a Mother, just to name a few. They are ALL based on a true story. Very tragic endings in every movie. So, yes, I do believe that story is true.
Both of my parents are. And I‘m really struggeling and don‘t know what to do or how to deal with that and how to distance myself. And it took me so much courage and energy to wright this, because I‘m so scared. I think they did a lot of damage, I mean I‘m a grown up and so scared and not free at all.
Thank you for the informative video💕
Does it mean ALL 20 aspects should be present in behaviour of suspected narcissist? Can it miss ~5 described behaviours?
The lying thing is spot on. My father was dying. I drove 200 miles to see him in hospital but had to return home. The night I left, I had left my mother at the hospital with him thinking that she would stay. She didn't. She got a relative to drive her home and told the nursing staff not to call her if something happened. She left my number with them and told them to call me instead. 8am the next morning I got the call. My father had died and he'd had no family with him, just a nurse. They asked me to call my mother to break the news and explained what they'd been instructed to do by her.
I called her...
Months later, during a telephone conversation with her, she casually commented how she'd been with him when he died and that she'd had to call me to break the news because I'd gone home.
I have far worse stories.
She's 78 years old and is as bad as ever. Lies constantly. Lies about everything and anything. Looks for drama. Starts wars with neighbours and sees enemies everywhere. Tries to guilt trip me etc. I've used the 'grey rock' method for decades and it does work.
I've always known that she wasn't normal, even when I was a child. My father was similar although he was more loving.
Sorry for your loss. That said, you have a life to live. Your poor excuse of a mother can fend for herself.
The reality of my wife being an extreme text book Narcissist scares me. I am literally scared and dont know how to handle this. It has destroyed my marriage and relationship with my two little kids.
I do feel I was parentified. My mom talked bad about my dad to me and my dad talked bad about my mom to me. They both told me not to tell the other what the other said and I have even encouraged them to talk to each other before. I was basically a counselor to my mom and caretaker to my dad where I sometimes cut his hangnails on some of his weekends with me. They both said I would never finish college and blamed the other when I called them out on it. My mom said my dad was controlling kept saying he wanted the divorce but never went through with it called his bluff and filed. My dad said with my mom she acted like a child and didn't want to take care of 2 children being one reason he divorced her and another reason was because when I was little and we all lived together as a family towards the end of their marriage he avoided me to avoid my mom and that's how he knew he had to divorce her.
All enough them much? Young parents seem more self centred I've observed
Hi Terry, so helpful and spot-on as usual. I am wondering if you would share your thoughts about identifying the markers of the two (or more) ways siblings OF a narcissist parent (mom was an ignoring one) develop and can behave. I'm a twin (identical) and we are so different (thank goodness). My question: Could my sister be a narcissist too?
I had a video series about functional and dysfunctional family roles. But yes your sibling could have learned the behavior from observing your mom.
When they are raising your children behind your back that you didn't even know existed as theirs...
Dear Terri,
Thank you so much for making these videos.
I was wondering if you could offer insight into the potential of a personality disordered person’s healing. I worry that I’m narcissistic and am at a loss as to how to heal.
Many thanks,
Lauren
I am witnessing you with compassion and I appreciate your note. Healing is possible. I can't diagnose or create a plan for you through UA-cam but you can find a counselor that can assist. You can try Better Help at terricole.com/betterhelp
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM really appreciate you getting back to me, thank you❤️
Gaslighting and lying without shame. When I was twelve or so, my mother rooted through my dresser drawers and took the money I'd saved from baby-sitting. When I asked about it, she said something like, I had to pay so-and-so in cash, I'll give it back to you tomorrow. In the following days, I'd ask for the money, saying, "You promised to pay it back." She just did the narc smirk, laughed and said, "Yeah? Prove it."
My mother read my personal diary and then “mind fucked” me with its contents. Nice.
#4 always about them: my mother complaining about her stressful day as I'm having an asthma attack as she sits at the kitchen table chain smoking. I had to wait till my father to get home to go to the ER.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
There was this mother who use to say to her daughter that her grandchildren will be way better.
I can remember being a kid probably around 6 or 7. I did not have many toys (so few I knew where and what I had). I started to think I was loosing my mind because I would wake up every day and make my bed and put my teddy bear on my bed. One day I came home and my bear was gone. My mother said she hadn’t seen it, I must have lost it (you could only imagine I was very upset and she could care less). The next day I came home from school and the bear was in my room on the floor ( again my mother acted like she had no idea what happened). This happened for two weeks til finally my mother admitted that her friend & her preschool daughter would come to my house while I was at school and she would play in my room & my mother had let her borrow the fucking bear!!! Totally let me think I was nuts and could care less I was upset. Now as an adult I realize how messed up that was.
My mother!
She said i was a bad kid, teenager...but no one taught me, or had time... We looked like dressed nice, nice house. But empty. Now im a parent taught my kids all i could so they have direction,make better choices...i dont see them as mistakes and just bad, i dont blame them if they make bad choices, i think have i taught enough? versus my moms way of thinking. As i get older and even see my kids thru diff stages of life, i am excited with them for accomplishments and i never recieved that, i realized later.. And i want them to find love and the joys of life...my mom hates a man near me goves the ugliest looks to people, they tell me later....and she has in past walked in in underwear in front of the tv where me and a good responsible prob best boyfriend i had were sitting.....i was so shocked n embarrassed. Now i look back like whatttt the f..... i would never do that ro my kids...
He was the best boyfriend i had who was rhe first person to ask me about what i think or felt and always asked me why this or that...well that was odd to me cuz no one asked what i thought on anything. I had a few narc boyfriends since and i realized i was picking what acted like whats familiar to me. Not only was mom narc, my grandma was . One moved more in pride and the other whined .both manipulative hoarding narcs.. ..i also realized past years i only had friends that i listned to all their problems... None listened to me..i either met that kind of people or competitive jealous females. So odd. It saddened me to realize who is really for me... I have outgrown and left any people like that last years...i was so used to self centered people and m a empath so they juat want ur energy and attention..
also noticed Narc mom competes with any accomplishment, shes jealous, envious..i swear cursed my life. My life got better when i was away six months.. they dont want u to get away😂 i dont do this to my adult kids..the way she stalks, i dont do at all. I swear like magic lofe improves when she goes on a trip too.. no joke. They carry bad spirits literally.
i have certain spiritual talents and gifts that she doesnt.not my fault. She tries to compete that way but everyone is gifted differently. I use these in my work now...n intuitive field.
Narcs hate that they cant do naturally what they arent gifted to do. We are all different.
She did care giving..all her clients are narcs i swear..the worst. Its her mirror image. They are drainers too.
Not being mean, but observation.
Anyways I guard anyone i like from her. Realized If u love it, hide it.. because they plot on how to sabotage u. ..or she rapid fire quizes people and insults them.to divide them from me i realized.
She is happy with my or my now adult kids pain..sadism??
..i could go on. She has some good qualities but then again whatever they do is with a hidden motive. The most guilt tripping bitter person i know. A child, an adult child should never know this abuse. I had to unlearn bragging...it was learned.. i empathize, she cant fully. She used to trick me into mental facilities to lock me up, i was a runaway..i couldnt put my finger on what was wrong with home...now its clear ..but i believe when counselors met her, they knew the issue.. i just wanted to get away.....i ran away alot.. i still am running away from her pretty much and i want to guard my now adult kids from her manipulative tactics. We shouldnt have to know this. Could go on
Growing up, my mother and my aunt often gave me baths as I was always at my aunt's house when I wasn't home as a young kid. I remember once my mom was drying me off, I said smtg of the sort "Can you do it like Aunty" (God forbid) and she went "WELL WHY DON'T YOU GO BE HER KID THEN?" Like what? I was 6, I'm sorry I criticized and compared you even though that's all you did to me. And I also have epilepsy, and at age 13 my seizures got way worse. I missed weeks of school on 8th grade and I was just trying to express my stress to my mother, perhaps I expected a "It'll all be ok" but that's not what I got. She told me "Imagine how I feel rn at these times" and my naive self rationalized it. Right now I am 15, I was never allowed to hang out with my friends and got in trouble the one time I did. I got my phone permanently taken away 5 months ago and only see my friends at school, though I've lost many. I still wonder why they took my phone because when I ask they refuse to answer
I hear you and I am holding space for you. Is there someone safe at school that you can talk to about what you're going through, like a counselor? It may help you to have support and someone to guide you. I am sending you strength and compassion.
Not my mom doing literally everything mentioned in the video, examples and all…
I have been so in the dark about identifying the behavior. It's like being in a bubble all my child hood. If you tried to explain to another family member or family friend. I was shamed. I called out her behavior I got gas lite. No apologies were ever given. When she is backed into a corner( with others seeing) she would apologize without meanings. Taking credit was a shocker. she is dying of lung cancer and the behavior has not changed. She is now controlling my sister by using her condition ( guilt tripping) making her cry. And telling her to stay away from me, because I call her out on how she is controlling my sister.as a child I thought mom could never do wrong. Until my intuition became so strong as a child. I was made to feel there's was something wrong with me.recently burried family secrets were brought to light, that explains my mothers behavior. It doesn't give her a pass but I am now clear. This explains why seeking medical help was thought of as " they are the devil" my mistake was not speaking with someone that doesn't have ties to my mother. As a child I told two family members I thought could help. They were removed from my access as punishment. I love mother but not the behavior. Boundaries had to set, and distance. To breathe, assess and process what you went through and learn how it affects you as an adult.
I hear you and I see you. I'm cheering you on for your awareness and for setting boundaries.
@@terri_cole thank you 🤍
Hi. What can cause narcissist disorder. Is it learned too?
It's ALWAYS "How could you do this to me?" It's really hard to hear a therapist say "you mother should have never had kids." It's hard to admit things were as bad as they were. In my 60s! And just putting it all together sadly. Or at least things have gotten to a peak as she ages and her life is about to be a nursing home because none of us can or will take her. Very very sad. And guilt inducing for us to say "no, I can't. I just can't. My DH will divorce me." Her difficulties are real. Things aren't good - but as sooneone said "it's so hard to be nicer to her than she ever was to us." Credit for the good but never responsible for difficulty. But blaming and shaming on steroids. Esp blaming. And guilt for having written this!
You are allowed to say no. No is a complete sentence and you don't need to justify it or feel guilt. If you'd like another resource, here is a video I did about mom guilt. ua-cam.com/video/m19XKqtsjlg/v-deo.html
@@terri_cole funny. "No is a complete sentence" is something I tell others all the time. Do as I say not as I do? Lol thanks I'll watch it.
@@terri_cole Now I'm sad to say, my mom died of covid. I could feel guilty because we really fought all winter but I'm not. I know I did the best I could. But still, as life has it, I miss her.
You are basically describing my mother. She has now passed, and the only way I could deal with her is by ceasing all contact with her until she was gone.
In the meantime, I have been trying to do some cleanup work on myself. Something I've learned, but I have not encountered any information on, was that my mother used both Golden child and scapegoat on me and I never knew which one she would react with. Please give me information if you have something covering a narcissist using both the Golden child and scapegoat on the same person? At the same time?A video link perhaps? I'd probably rather learn that it was a narcissistic disorder than to possibly identify her as MPD.
PKaBoo, same here. It all depends on the dynamics of the family unit at the time. She dictates which one I will be, (Golden/Scape) to better suit her gain in the situation at that moment. You never know if you're 'on foot or horseback' with them. It's like walking on egg-shells.
Do you a a specific video on how if a mother that is narscistic ran across it could change her bad behavior. The do's and the don'ts?
My mother fills the bill on this one. She has made sure to befriend most of my friends and whenever I don't jump to her every demand she calls my friends to tell them what an awful daughter I am and how I neglect her in her old age. This has been going on ALL my life. As a child she would tell the same story of how miserable I made her, because she worried about me or I started some bad behavior, to my family members. The older they get the worse they get. It never ends.
Number 9 made me laugh out loud ( not in a good way) They take credit for you accomplishments. Any and all successful aspects of my life, any talents that i have are only because I am her daughter. That is her favorite line. "That is MMYYYY daughter" ironically every negative aspect of my life is simply because I am her daughter! Lol All of my self doubt, insecurities, low self-esteem and attraction to narcissistic men all come from never doing anything right. I could never find anything she wanted fast enough, or get to the car fast enough as a child. I am now the 38 year old codependent "lost child" unhappily living with my narcissistic boyfriend. Thanks mom, it's been so lovely being YYYOURRR daughter. 😭
Vicki, I'm really sorry you've gone through this. And completely identify with alot of what you mentioned. Myyy daughter, now she does MY granddaughter as though she's entitled to a relationship with my child, bc she dosen't know how to learn how to grow from ours. I just set up an appointment with a therapist today, whom I won't see till January. But, the cathartic release is knowing I will get the help to burn down this defect in my DNA. It ends with us, whether we have children or not.
Your ability to be honest with yourself is your greatest asset. Your closer to who your mother WASN'T bc you, unlike her can see the threads she's left you with. In that, you ARE your own person, and can do the work she may never! You are a survivor, and deserve All the best your mother/boyfriend can't give to you. I hope you become empowered in yourself that you may start to heal away from the narcissistic toxic people that attach to you in life!!
@@Ab.eNormal wow thank you for that! Very nice to hear from someone else who understands. I have 2 sisters that my mother played so well against eachother all our lives we don't have any type of relationship to vent to eachother. The scapegoat hates the golden child and vice versa, neither one cares to get to know me and we all have our own separate lives. I'm happy to hear you got an appointment for a therapist! I have been on a waiting list for months just to get a phone call to make an appointment. I guess not having insurance makes your mental health needs less important! Oh well thanks for reaching out! And thank God for these Terri Cole videos! She has helped me more than i can express! I am sorry to hear of your experiences, but at least things like that can bring people together! Good luck to you!!!!
I'm witnessing you with compassion Vikki. I hear you and you are not alone.
My parents are all narcissists and my elder sister turned into one too. I am 34 and I am finally walking away from them. Life was so difficult for me. They don't even know that I sufferred from pain thru my life.
I'm sorry you had that experience, dear. Time to take care of you and treat yourself with the love and importance that they couldn't. Keep your boundaries strong, you matter.
I was manipulated by silent treatment for over a week. For little stuff.
If you can picture your mother as a super aggressive, angry and jealous 10 year old that doesn't want YOU to have a life, then she is a narcissistic mother; yep as ridiculous as it is it is actually all about THEIR own inner child; we were parents to our parents
There was this mother who would follow her daughter to the class room and wait outside the class room to collect her daughter. Very loving in child hood and then an adult hood she is toxic
I agree with a lot you say. Yet what can you tell us if we're raised in a culture where that venerates parents ?
It can be very painful and isolating to feel like you must worship your parents when they have been awful to you ❤️
Being raised by a narcissistic/manipulative mother how to deal with other mothers who are supportive? I'll admit I have a hard time looking at other mothers as good people at all. I always think they have hidden ulterior motive. This may also be the reason I don't want to be a mother myself. Also even when you've put down the boundary of something like no contact, what about having an inner voice that sounds like them? What can I do then to diminish that rude voice in my head that sounds like something they would say to criticize me.
First, you have to acknowledge that that voice isn't yours. And you can counter the rude or critical voice by being kind to yourself instead. Say something loving or supportive in its place and over time the critical voice will fade away. ❤️
My f is a psycho/ sociopath n a dangerous covert narc. We do not talk ill of the dead ones, or make them guilty of others' dirty crimes. A mother tries to do her very best for her children. They do cause some trouble; better unspoken .
It did. Both my parents are like this.
So sorry to hear that. It must be very painful. Thank you for being here with us. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you for your empathy and for sharing this valuable information online
I am 33,, I have gone no contact with my family for nearly a year now. Mom spat on my face when i was 11. She threw a piece of gravel stone at me when I was 9. cracked open my forehead. She kept saying I was the one who made her throw a stone at me. Dad was never home,, he only wanted alcohol. my sister was the golden child. Mom kept mentioning how much she had to spend on me since i was born. I left when i was 23.. never been back and no contact since last year. i dont ever want to contact.. but something inside me feels guilty.. am I being a bad son/person?
I am so sorry you went through that. And I am cheering you on for choosing no contact. It is common to feel the guilt that you had to take a different path. But it is important that you do what you have to do to feel safe and to heal. You matter and you deserve healthy, real love. And sometimes that requires distance from our birth family. I am sending you strength and protection.
I don't know if I'm autistic or she broke me, changed my brain, she was always cold, my father died when I was 2yo. Everyone loved her. Even me. Even after I was beaten unconscious, thrown out when I fell pregnant at 19. And I was never shown anything but contempt from my older siblings either. And sometimes physical abuse. What if I'm not autistic, and she did cause all my issues. The pain is unbearable.
I am so sorry to hear how you're feeling. You matter and your health matters. Autism has a wide spectrum and requires a doctor's diagnosis, so I would start by seeing your primary care doctor and bringing your concerns to that person.
Terri - Can a child pick up Narcissistic behavioral patterns without becoming a Narcissist themselves?
Path Traveler in my humble opinion yes..... but not true narcissist traits but Narc fleas. I had them.. I’m sure we all get them as it was our normal growing up. What else could we base our behaviour off of? I see how toxic I was but I am much more aware and conscious of how I treat others. Mind you, I’m 54... it’s taken me a while.
20/20 my narc covert mother