Overcoming the devastation of being raised by a narcissist mother
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- Опубліковано 27 лип 2024
- Overcoming the devastation of being raised by a narcissistic mother: "Hi Meredith! Thank you for your warmth and kindness. I was both physically abused by my Father, and mentally abused by my narcissistic Mom. The mental abuse has caused me so much more pain and anguish then any beating ever has. I have been no contact with my Mother for 6 months and am feeling better about my life. I still have very low self esteem, and always compare myself to others. I can see great things in others, but not in myself. I get nervous and worried whenever I speak to people, and I always feel like an outsider. What can I do to overcome this? I want to have more love and confidence in myself. Thank you."
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride amzn.to/2djpfwR
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Dr. Susan Forward amzn.to/2ecAQ04
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NOTE: Meredith Miller is not a therapist or counselor. She is a holistic integration coach, helping you to self-heal and transform your life after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. Meredith teaches the mindsets and tactical skills to help with recovery. She works with a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness that is a valuable complement to traditional psychotherapy. Meredith recommends that you also seek out a licensed therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse and relational trauma in order to help you with the complex-PTSD symptoms. Thank you for taking responsibility for yourself!
She hated happy, smart and caring women. She hated me for the things she should have been proud of.
(Edit)
I’ve realised it’s because she knows she should have been those things.
Thank you Meredith 🥰🌸
Kayla-Marie - same here. Everything I am, she hated and belittled. She put down everyone and everything that SHE wasn't. So hateful. She embarrassed me while growing up all the time. She "raised hell" everywhere she went, and she didn't care what she said or destroyed. It was like a "war zone" living under the same roof as her!!!
I was early 20's and my sister said to me "what right have you to be happy" and my mother cackling. I won a large trophy in grade 8 and no photo of it. It's so horrid... and I'm 56.....
Ditto
Absolutely
Normal people, when hurt, seek out to their mothers for love and and support. We, with narcissistic mothers, when hurt, we have no place to go. We are alone and wounded and there is nobody to sooth and heal our wounds; quite the opposite- there is this one person, our mother, who will rub all the salt of the world in our wounds and do it with a great pleasure. We are preconditioned to hate and invalidate ourselves. We are soul cripples and the best we can do is to accept our disability and live with it.
Antra Ra my Dad used to be that guy. He died three years ago. I am so thankful he was there for me.
... we have no place to go. 😶
I have no place to go, cause not only am I dealing with one, possibly both narc parents, but I also just left a narc lying boyfriend. Who purposely was trying to destroy my relationship with my children along with my parents. Or whatever relationship I had with the two of them. I’ve had a horrible childhood when it comes to emotional abuse, now as an adult, I’m living with not only emotional abuse daily, but I believe the three of them have conjured up a plot to use financial abuse as well. They are taking so much advantage of me it’s not funny. I pray to God people stop using me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I’ve been homeless for a year now, haven’t been able to keep my children with me, whom I love and adore, and now use drugs to cope. I am going to outpatient treatment right now today, but still am homeless, so not sure how long I will be able to keep my mental health on track with all the people places and things continually trying to bring me down. I know I have to go no contact with those people, my ex is definitely the hardest one for me, but I think I will be fine, cause none of those people care for me truly anyways. As for my homeless situation, I pray that the housing I was approved for two weeks ago, is finally approved. I don’t know, I’m just so lost and out of touch anymore. My anger is high, cause I’ve been hurt by those I love so much and thought they loved me too. Now it’s hard for me to trust anyone, and I feel like everyone is trying to take advantage of me. I will pull through this. I know this. Amen.
That’s exactly it...the one person on Planet Earth who should be on our side, isn’t.
@@christinacoolidge7001 I'm so sorry for your pain. But you can start again. Once you are in housing, things will get back on track. Go no contact with the narcs and focus on YOU. There is love out there for you.
Please don't wait until ur 40 or 50 to go no contact look how many people wasted their life chasing love from a narc mom in these comments learn from their pain. Your narc mom will never love you for you don't settle for scraps of love, because if you settle for that you will never invite true love in your life, you may think this is risky but it's actually the safest bet you have. Be open to the love u deserve not what you have been conditioned to receive.
i really feel bad for older people who went thru all this shit and had no info on this....horrible
JMarz 43 yo & Im still going through it weekly so sad its really never going to end just this morning I was tould I was selfish for changing my work schedule that benefited her when she needed me to take her to her dr's appointments I need to work on "no contact"
JMarz so true, I wish I had gone no contact at 20 not 50. they ate evil, I have seen a demon in my mums eyes.
so true, im 37 and have only just built a relationship with my younger sister who was manipulated by our mother. shes getting better and our mother is finally making a little effort now she sees she hasnt got the power over us anymore
Jody Ramsay it's crazy. I'm 37 and try to explain things to my little sister who is 19. Our mom is treating her like she does me. My mom gets a little violent when I reassure my sister that she isn't what my mom is yelling at her while she is yelling. It's seldom but when my mom realizes she doesn't have power over someone she breaks down crying and says she is the victim.
Narc mothers become
Narc grandmothers,
Protect your children.
My Narc mother tried to make my daughter a Golden child l put a STOP to that. The Malicious lies my mother was telling my daughter about me. I went No Contact 8 years ago and my daughter 25 years old has to. What you
allow, is what will continue.
Great job!! You are strong to stand up to that and your daughter is blessed that you ended the Legacy of Abuse. Big hug.
Yvonce' That is so true I did that with my son cuz she tried to control him but wasn't helping me raise him which I didn't want anyway cuz she's insane. he's 11 now & doesn't want to deal with her. He's good at reading ppl & their intentions which I'm happy about.
I did the same. I am glad I am not alone.
I have watched my mother pass on the behavior towards me and my sister to both of my nieces. The Golden Child is thriving however the scapegoat is struggling with some very difficult issues and not doing very well. my sister has completely bailed out the entire situation and has no contact with any of us including her children which just makes it even worse for the scapegoat child. as an adult I tell myself that I had all of my basic needs met and I had many privileges that many children didn't have. I've also gotten to a point or I realize that I can never change my mother and I work daily to accept her for who she is. but it's tough. she can be supportive in so many ways but I know that there are certain things I cannot go to her for certain needs that she will never meet. I don't quite know how to reconcile the fact that what I feel was a pretty crappy childhood many people would trade places with me considering that I always had food and shelter and even financial help after I finally struck out on my own. at what point does acceptance turn into minimizing? at what point does gratitude for the things that I did have eclipse the emotional damage that has been done. my mom's not a horrible person and she has many great qualities and as an adult we have learned to coexist and actually enjoy each other's company. but I am always guarded around her and always will be.
Yvonce' same situation
I feel like she trained me to accept abuse. I went on to accept one abuser after another in my life. At 55 yrs, I am finally beginning to understand what happened even though I have devoted my entire life to searching for answers.
I am 55 and like you i just realized about 2 yrs ago why I felt so out of place and alone...and always falling for the narc abuser.... I connected the dots finally...I wish it would have been sooner..I now go to therapy regularly...hugs to you
Me too there isn't enough awareness of this in society it's taken me years to understand but still not healed but hoping awareness will help x
I went "no contact" with my mother almost 8 years ago--to get away from her toxicity. I didn't realize she was a narc until just this year. Now it all makes so much sense. And I now realize I will never have a real relationship with her. It's tragic because I never had a father figure either. I essentially raised myself and my little brother--and even my own mother to an extent. What a burden to put on a young child. Every child deserves a parent. Not every parent deserves a child. I'm hopeful I'll be able to forgive her after she dies.
Why? Why forgive? Just recognise reality, feel justiified anger for a short while if needed, then move on to more interesting things. No need to torture yourself over the forgiveness concept. Being honest with your justified feelings is so much more important.
How beautifully worded !
Megan A. Forgivness is not for the other person, it's for you. It cleanses your heart-gives you peace. I will drive this point home. In Biblical times when a person murders someone else, their penalty was to attach the dead person to the murderer until the death in that person consumes them. Jesus Christ forgave me of my sins, to be like Him as it is written, I must forgive or He will not forgive me. That doesn't mean to be buddies with that person, 4-give, and give yourself all the space you need. U will no when U forgive, cause your stomach doesn't chun when you see them. Great them sincerely and show the love of Christ. Make your exit. Sounds harsh but love overcomes evil. Its not easy, but trust the process. You will have peace. It is not the person anyway, it's the spirit behind that person. You spin your wheels trying to figure them out.
You just described my story, except for I was the only child, no little brother.
The human instinct is amazing, without knowing what she was, your gut already told you what to do.
Acceptance is the hardest part. No even no contact. The acceptance was the most complicated thing for me. Once you realize and accept that your parent will never be the " normal one"and the very last hope is gone this will truly set you free. It hurts in the beginning, but it does get better with time.
Sunny C. - So true. And then going through the loss and grief of never having a close bond with them.
the acceptance is taking so long for me but l can feel that l am accepting it, l find it hardest at upcoming siruations like christmas when l see ppl out to lunch with there mother and kids, to sit in my mothers company is uncomfortable and l cant go no contact because my father is sick so l try to keep distance
So hard i feel they should rot in jail 😀
Sunny C - Huh... Accept she's not a normal parent. THANK YOU for defining what acceptance means. I guess accepting also means forgiving myself because I had no way of knowing her 'parenting' was not normal... 🙂
This is the hardest for me to accept even still I find myself wishing for that relationship I never had
No contact is amazing. You can breathe you feel free. Its awesome.
Did you suddenly go no contact or did you grey rock first? I don't know how to do this!!!
And your stomach doesn't hurt!
omg i'm on very low contact with NARC mother only occasional phone contact, not seen in person in over 10 years but phone still leaves me in knots. I try to keep boundaries but she is slamming thru them again & just gets angry when i point this out. She slammed phone & hung up on me today & yes cannot breathe or feel free, & yes comment below stomach hurts. i think it's time for full NO CONTACT your comment is inspiring me. Trying to decide if i should set boundary of 1- 2 phone calls a year or zero contact??
"Breathe" and "FREE" ❤ KEY WORDS👌
@@krisluvsutube2684 when you are talking to them say to yourself ''im the adult , you are the child'' see what happens , be warned though they may attack,
Does anyone else who was raised by a narcissistic mother find themselves in really unhealthy relationships where they will allow someone to treat them terribly but then keep going back to them because they don't feel they deserve any better? Like they'll become an emotional punchbag for the person because that's what their mother did to them? I have only recently discovered there is a name for what my mother is, and I'm slowly trying to come to terms with it. I want to go no contact but I feel terrible guilt about it (I don't know why, as my mother has never once bothered to visit my house in the last 6 years, yet I'm expected to go to her like a puppy dog). Hugs to everyone going through this...it's completely devastating...it rips out your core :(
Britta Hanson you will feel guilty at first for going no contact but as time goes by the guilt will fade, remember they never feel guilty about abusing you.
Yes. My mother was a narc. If I didn't do as she pleased she would give me the silent treatment. For ex I was dating a guy she loved. I tried really hard to be in love but I just wasn't and had to break it off. Well when I told her my feelings she got upset and told me in a passive aggressive way to do what I want and didn't talk to me for days. She always inserted herself in my personal adult life. One time I had a very bad menstrual cycle and she accused me of having a miscarriage. I told her where in earth did u come up with that, then she back peddled blaming me when she was the one who said it. There are so many other things. But u have to set boundaries for your sanity. The reason I are probably picking bad guys is cause the narc mother is hyper critical making you feel bad about yourself thus u pick bad guys. Your self esteem is at an all time low. I know the feeling all too well. Find out what u are good at. You are good person who deserves the best. Don't settle. When a mother is so critical she projects it in her daughter that she feels it also. I hope that explains it
I am 40 years old, and when my father passed away 4 years ago I realized the mother that raised me was not the person I had known 36 years or so I thought. First of all my mother never raised me, looking back or trying to think of positive memories with her there are none. I always thought that it was just the alcohol she drank. I'm so new to this term and concept. It took my father dying to realize that my mom has been sick all my life. I turned to alcohol to deal with this. I checked myself into a treatment center and received alot of therapy. I learned that the abuse, the guilt, the hate, the lies she told all of my family, to drive everyone I ever loved away. I thought that her enjoying watching me fail was normal, I thought that her treating my brother and sister with respect and treating me like trash was normal. I would always think if she would just tell me why she hated me that we could move on...I could make her love me. However, I can't ever make her love me because in trying to do so it almost killed me. My mother was so cunning that the people she worked with daily for 27 years had no idea of the woman I lived with. The emotional and psychological abuse I have survived is a miracle. This woman watched my dad die in the floor she didn't call 911 while he was gasping for air she stood over him and cursed him and talked on the phone about how awful we, my father and I were, while he died of a heart attack. I hate her but I can't let go after all of this. Why can't I accept she will never ever be the mother I need and want? I just want peace. God bless all of you who have lived with these monsters
Yes... everyone, ex bfs, “girlfriends”, and even hair stylists!! Lol... I’ve let so many people treat me this way- now I’m finally putting my foot down and letting go of anyone who treats me badly. It’s hard to learn to love yourself after being abused by a narc mother.
Exactly the same. Totally unhealthy relationship in general. 😢 no chance to be in my life anymore. And it’s hard.
When I got my first period, I went to tell my narcissistic mother. I felt so proud and happy. She looked at me and said, "Well, you know what to do about it." I celebrated with both my daughters when they started to menstruate. We had a period party and got manicures! : )
karen goldner I remember being in 4th grade and they had a class for the girls to talk about period. After school I asked my Mom about getting me this beginners kit that was offered to us in school and she laughed at me. I never went to my Mom again. I remember taking a bra from her drawer when I knew I needed one, I remember taking a razor and shaving cream and going in my room and taught myself to shave my legs ...I recall feeling like i had to hide this ... when I got my first period, I never told my Mom... I would take pads from my Moms bathroom or roll toilet paper and stuff it ... in my underwear ...
I was made to go and buy my products on my own. I think she was jealous I was growing up and becoming a swan.
I was scared and my narc mom brushed me off over the phone ..” you know what to do .. get a pad..” that’s it
I got my first period at the age of 10 and my mum didn’t believe me. She told me I’d probably just been eating too much beetroot! If she doesn’t want to deal with something she will deny that it exists. I went for a year stuffing my underwear with toilet paper before she found a pair of stained underwear hidden in the back of my closet, and denied that I ever tried to tell her. To this day, more than 20 years later, she still brings up the hidden underwear as an example of how I ‘always try to avoid dealing with things’.
My mother did nothing but get me a sanitary pad and send me off to spend the day going with my father to work. To this day I can remember sitting in the backseat looking out the car passenger window and wondering what was happening. Alone I was 12
I said, to the first therapist I saw, that I felt such a failure because I was not good enough for my mother. He said "You could never be good enough for her. It wouldn't matter what you did. Even if you moved mountains you would never be good enough for her."
There is a void inside of them that never can be fulfilled
I just discovered a few months ago that My grandmother who adopted me was a narcissist. It was like finally shining a light on this evil darkness I have always carried with me. And now I am seeing things so differently and I will never be the same. This is a beautifully painful journey.
Lynde Thomas you got this girl
I just went no contact 3 months ago. she has interfered w/ my relationship w/ my sister & daughter amongst many others. but I have to do this to survive. your words struck me. it is a beautiful, painful journey.
Lynde Thomas Haha . Me Too...18 years of torture by NARC Mom...I am on NO CONTACT since 8.5 years🤣🤣🤣 LOL. I came out of coma and channelled the anger and made it Success (I am an Actor). I'm still in pain. But I am not attending HER funeral 😎
Komal Jha I actually went home to take care of mine while she was dying. After 10 years of limited contact. It was the best it had ever been between us. She couldnt really speak and was so weak I had to physically care for her. I was very kind and gentle. I was finally allowed to love on her, and at the end, she knew. She knew everything she did was wrong and my life was shot because of it.
And of course, in true form, she left everything to the golden child, the one who abandoned her and went on vacation while mom was in hospice....😂 yes I'm laughing thru the tears because it's so true to form.....why would I have expected anything else?
Golden child didn't want to have to pay for a funeral so there wasn't one.
Allyson Hanson that sounds horrible. I sympathize in a way, as my family is headed down the same road. My mother poisons my sisters relationship with me, then my sister poisons my relationship with me and my mother. It's this competitive flame war I'm caught in the middle of, and always have been. I hardly remember what peace means. I was the golden child for a while, as it was convenient, but my life is in tatters from seemingly constant encounters with narcs. My eyes are open now, and I know that your story is how these stories all end. These people are disturbing.
its time for me to reclaim my life and heal she will not control me any longer I'm free✨ Cutting off all ties and living in peace
Ashley Ogunleye yes me too ✨ *hugs*
Me too finally after 29 years
After 43 years I'm finally healing !!!!
That is Awsome, glad you made it through.
Amen.
I just love the idea of conecting with the earth as a mother replacement.❤❤❤
Jennifer Flower yes getting your hands in the dirt and planting a garden is the best medicine
❤❤❤❤
Me too
33 years of abuse by my mother has rendered me feeling worthless, never good enough, and unable to form lasting relationships. I just here recently learned of the illness Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My mother is a particular nasty case as she has poisoned me just to get attention. And yet I'm still in the mindwashed stage were I feel that I must constantly please her. I feel like my hope is there, but far away for I still live with her. I'm just now learning not to give in when she tries to trigger me. It's hard. Thank you for all you are doing to help daughters of Narcissistic mothers, the pain that we face is unreal to everyone else.
Yes...much pain and you are spot on. 10% of the time only and only shallow stuff.
Move out Asap bc things will get worse. Get your finances together and live on your own.
@@foodbutter225 I thought how does Foodbutter know what's up with my life but see you are just replying to someone in the same boat as me. I am deep in it because very far from getting my finances in order but I do need to get away from the tragic toxicity that are my parents.
I can relate
it's hard in the beginning as their attacks seemingly come out of nowhere, but with time and a lot of selfreflection and research it will become easier! believe me! you can do it - even if you're struggeling - you can do it!
I've noticed I ask myself " how am I supposed to feel," I was told often as a kid how I was supposed to feel or even that my genuine emotions (crying, shyness etc.) Were not valid. I think the midfullness might help me to figure out hiw I actually feel, and to not worry about how Im "supposed" to feel.
Patricia Patten I ask myself and my husband the same thing!
I feel this EXACTLY!! Especially when I got sick. My nmom would always say I was "lying" when I said I was feeling ill. Now I have real imposter syndrome-type stuff when I get sick, I can never admit that I actually am ill & that I'm not just faking it.
I went no contact with my mum last Christmas & I had the naive thought that I would feel better and be positive place to heal, but I was so wrong. Going no contact and in therapy uncovered yet more and more understanding of the emotional abuse I was subjected to (I’m 54 and mum is 85) and the rage and overwhelming frustration, exhaustion and loneliness I have felt these past 11 months has killed me. I feel empty, emotional dead, I can’t enjoy anything and therapy is even frustrating me as I have no idea of where or who I am, just that I want to run away but then the thought of handing all the family inheritance to my golden child brother makes me more raged. No contact is not the free experience some people have, for me at least
I learned my mom was a narc October 2016, I knew there was always something so weird about her and I could never figure out what, she always made me feel like I was doing something wrong, hard to please...it's painful and I went no contact for 6 years, now I'm around her again, it's so stressful and am making plans on leaving soon, it's very scary, I've always hoped and even prayed to God that she would like me, I've done a lot to try to get her to like me and nothing has really worked, that's why it hurts so much, I want to be loved, I've never known how to fix it with her, my relationship with my dad has always been better, my mom is a Narc paired with Christian bigotry
the answer is just you have to stop, stop wanting her to love u but this is impossible , it's just a waste of energy . i relate to u so much i tried so hard to make her love me my dad gave me the love that i don't receive from her and i like him more i don't need her love anymore
Sorry to hear that, but great that you were able to identify it. Don t reject God because of your mum though.
Wow the entire story of my life and I always thought I was the only person that had gone through this all my life till I discovered that some mums have this illness
Narc Mother and Christian hypocrisy what a combo.I know it well!!
@@alviilmie1869 can you help me please !
what to do if she think what I'm doing for her in not enough, taking care of her financially, emotionally, being like a robot who do everything and I should never complain or get sick cuz she haaaaaate it and should do all roles and stay sane : the supporter, the husband, the daughter, the made, the mom, the friend... and isolate me from socializing and still complain why i'm reserved and antisocial and burned out and get tired easily 🤦🏻
I'm done. I want to desapear from here but she shame me she said : " you are waiting to continue your study and find a job and have your own life and live me right ! You selfish you only think bout urslf " once again : " if you want to leave me do it now why you wait till you be financially okey ! Do it now leave me I'm gonna live perfectly fine with my small grant. Let me see how you gonna survivre alone in this evil world without me "
Again when she compare in movies or some story: "huh you seee no matter what she still his mother he didn't leave she would told to kill himself and he would die for her but youuu no matter what I do for you never gratful"
Its complicated and I can't get it very well it's like she see me MONEY she see me as a project to survive when I'm broke with no job I'm still student she treat me like she want to kill me and she said i wish you wasn't born and stuff like that ..and when I be rebellious and I stand up for myself verbally she feel like she's gonna loose me so she did something anything a weird quick hug( with roasting and shaming..) cocking food , a gift , and if I accept it she would talk about it for the rest of the month " you scream at me and disrespect me and I cocked for you you see how i'm a good mother you don't know my worth"
Please I'm confused how the normal family behave like if someone is early 20s, sick and depressed and can't find a proper job yet does the family will take care of him, warm his heart and support him till he stand up for himself or they will treat him like he has no value if can't provide money and throu him out the house and like : be strong alone ,stand up alone no matter how tired and burned out you are where is the healthy way cuz its messy in my mind
About a week ago I finally fully disconnected from my mom and released the last bit of control she had over me. I’m 28 years old and a single mom of twin 4 year old boys. I’ve just now recently have had my eyes opened to the reality of what I went through and I still even feel guilty for knowing this. My whole life has just been guilt, shame, emptiness and self hatred. It’s hard to admit everything that happened and has been happening.
I think the last straw which made me finally disconnect from my mom was seeing that she’s treating me kids like she treated me & my brother. One is the black sheep while the other the golden child. And what hurts even more is that the black sheep she selected is my son with autism. Them being 4 now, they can feel it too. I cannot let that cycle start again. It’s very hard though, every single day I need a reminder as to why I’m doing this bc I doubt myself every second. And my family doesn’t help.
I feel so alone all the time but I have to push forward for my boys. I do have a boyfriend now who’s very supportive and I’m very thankful for. I need to heal my wounds to make my relationship with my kids and boyfriend healthy and happy relationships.
My mother would always brag about not beating her kids. All a while triangulating me and my siblings, gaslighting me, ostracizing me, never showed me life skills like cooking for myself or allowing me to clean up my messes. Meddling in my marriage and didn't help when I was beaten with a metal flashlight by my husband. Made me abort my children for the sake of her image. Yeah...
So sorry, I hope and pray for your healing 🕊️💜
She forced you to abort your children...? 😲😟 Jesus.
I can understand this all. Mothers with npd can go to any extend
The mother is fundamental ... it leaves you as an empty shell. It took me so long to even know what I liked, like to make choices for myself.
You're awesome Meredith! Thank you.
My severely narcissistic mother died a few years ago. She should have sought help, but in the 50's, 60's even 70's, getting psychological help was totally taboo. This does not excuse her disorder by any means. Between her sick ways and my father's "dry drunk" behavior, all 3 of us kids have suffered and not been able to achieve the fullness we could have. We are completely separated and have had no contact since they died. My child doesn't have cousins, aunts, uncles etc. BUT WE DO HAVE A HEALTHY LOVE FOR EACH OTHER that isn't sick, twisted, triangulated, jealous and full of negative drama. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on "FAMILY". Unfortunately, it puts NO emphasis on HEATHY DYNAMICS within a family.
That is a very insightful comment on society. Thankyou.
how totally right you are. I really wonder just how many people had a good childhood ? its scary
Queens Little Corner she would not have sought help
Queens Little Corner your story is very similar to mine....three children, with a narc mother and physically abusive father. Both parents have passed and my brother passed away at age 45 with a heart filled with hate due to this kind of abuse. I have no interest in having a relationship with my sister which only proves the damage done by this toxic parenting.
That's a miracle that you have a healthy love between you and your siblings, because normally it's the opposite with narcissistic mothers. My mother created awful sibling rivalry between me and my siblings. I have no safe connection with any of them. They are both narcissistic too.
This really opened up my eyes and it was painful to accept reality of being raised by a narcissist mother. My mother still presently emotionally and psychologically abuses me and when I notice and wont allow her to continue she will not talk to me as a form of punishment.
Yes, that's called their Silent Treatment and it's often used as a punishment when you don't let them bully you into getting/doing what they want.
Judy Lee I know, they don't like you going into therapy, my dad used to sneer that if I went they would lock me up and throw away the key.
My mother used the silent treatment as well. If I didn t agree or do something she didn't like she wouldn't talk to me. I was dating a guy that she loved. After dating the feelings just weren't there no matter how hard I tried. When I broke it off she got so mad telling me in a passive aggressive way that You just do what you want.
Dear Gillian, I know how these things can be devastating. But remember you are blessed in your silence. The narcissist will never let you to take a breath, so use this time for your inner building :) meditate, read, go out with good people, enjoy in nature ... She will contact you soon, believe me, when she get hungry for your emotions again :)
@Judy Lee Your story sounds similar to mines. Mom is a narc parent n I left her house to be with someone I thought understood my hurt/pain. 27 yrs with my ex only to realize years later I had "married my mom." Hes a narc too but at a different level. Been divorced 9 months n NC from my mom 2 yrs. It hurts but now I feel free n less stressed. Still Im a work in progress tho. God's love and grace is keeping me strong. I pray you can achieve peace of mind like I have and continue to move forward. Never go back or look back. YOU are more important than anybody else. Even your own parent(s).
I've been sexually abused by a stunning amount of men, for having lived like such a shut-in.
I'm still more afraid of women. They seep sneakily, and persuade people into shaming your armour toward them.
* * *
And yes- authenticity and presence. ..
I've been doing better at authenticity, but presence is hard. .. Then again, i'm in a psychologically complicating living situation.
mother earth is our mum and we all have a father in heaven who loves us, as does Jesus who is with us always.
I cut off contact with mine for 3 years and then needed to reconnect for some legal things I needed her to sign. Within 3 calls her mask slipped and I was forced again to recognise that she doesn’t love me or care for me. She is very good at pretending to care by appearing like she’s there to stand up for you. But I’m reality that’s just a hook to get you closer to her lies and control. She’s never loved her kids. She never loved me. She cannot even love herself. It hurts but I do accept it. It’s taken 4 years to accept it. By accepting it I am able to be detached from her when I see her. She’s just a person to me now. I feel dirty when I see her occasionally. She doesn’t make any contact with me at all. In her mind it’s me who should do the chasing. And because I don’t I am the neglectful daughter in her smear campaigns. Hahaha. That’s fine by me.
I feel dirty too. And my mom would always touch me weird or get way too close to my personal space. I remember her telling me about her sexual escapades when I was in elementary school
This is why I am so depressed and devastated and full of shame. I think I haven't permitted myself to just call my mom a narcissist. I don't want to be wrong...and I don't want to be right. I hesitate, and I leave room for her to change and prove me wrong. But I have been on this journey for over a year, and I have seen so many signs that she is one. I think it might help if I allow myself to label her for myself. Maybe not everyone will understand, but there are many here online and a few people in my life who do. :'( I need to accept this.
DarthxErik so much power and love to you
Check out Craig Malkin's work. Good luck. Love Xx
As children we see our parents as perfect people who can do no wrong. In reality they’re damaged too. But you cannot change her. I’m going through the same exact thing, my resolution was to move out and get my mind right. Just focus on yourself love and keep watching these! Hope you’re doing well
I empathize. Been there. Be brave and listen to the voice of your own soul.
Hope you're better by now. I find myself in the same position at this moment. It feels terrying and extremely nasty of me to call her that, even though it is clear as daylight she abused us mentally, emotionally and physically since early childhood. I denied and made excuses all my life but as I learned about abuse from my ex I started identifying that in my family as well...
I'm 60, Narc mom is 80. When I was 26 or so, I went low contact. Holidays only. Yup, she tried to pull strings and shame my appearance and my decisions even then, but I only had to endure a coupe of hours at a time, then had time to process my experience. But at some point, I was able to say "was that comment designed to get me to ( whatever )?" I learned to not give her ammunition. Don't tell her you like the new hair style, to avoid being berated for your lowbrow taste. I just smiled politely, and let her yap. When you step back and aren't down in it, you've won.
I did that for years but then I broke, heh.
Good post. That mother that we wish we all had just doesn't exist for some of us. My mom would be cool about 10 percent of the time but it was the harassment the other 90 percent of the time that made her unbearable. I've been no contact for a few years now and sometimes i feel lonely but the harassment never makes it worth going back to her.
my situation wasn't physical abuse . psycological for sure!
Here it is almost Mother’s Day - when everybody who has a mother will be required to honor her again! I hate Above all the assumption that all mothers are loving and nurturing -“God couldn’t be everywhere, that’s why he created mothers” How sweet! Really glad that there is some recognition that IT ISN’T ALWAYS THE CASE! I was born the accidental third daughter to a couple who only wanted a son. But she took me home anyway - what a martyr - but never let me forget I was unwanted and I was really undeserving of her time and effort. Here’s one of the nicer things she said to me: “I love my kids, (questionable), but I’m not blind” Also: You can’t do anything right, I don’t know what’s the matter with you, you’re just like your father, (no compliment). Of course she was furious with me when I started to see a therapist, (not a good one, unfortunately), because IT MADE HER LOOK BAD! Which is my mother all over - absolute zero interest in the fact I was completely miserable, depressed, suicidal, etc. - but as always, concerned about her image! It was very, very important to her to be seen as a good mother - completely unimportant to her that she be one. My Mother’s Day remembrance of my - yuck - mother
Mothers day I call it psychotic bitch day no celebration
Wow this speaks to me. I'm still in the process of fully accepting the fact my mom is a narcissist. The hardest part is I just gave birth to her first grandkid this year so no contact really isn't an option for now... i just stay away as much as possible. The hating your feminine side is so me too. I've always wondered why I have hated being a woman so much. I feel I was raised to survive. Always being told others are against you. always look out for yourself. Never listen to a man. Be weary of men. Men are "insert every insult possible". Just never ends. Thank you for this video
I'm sorry you went through that....😔😔😔....I hope you doing better....stay strong and know that you are amazing...😊😊😊
I thought I was the only one who hated being a woman. My mother spoke so negatively about men to the point I considered dating only women. My entire sense of self had been buried. I'm learning how to accept that my mother is a narcissist. And to find my true authentic self.
@@ryeechan look up self sabotage...also the ego state model reconnect with your inner child...write a journal...and know that God makes no mistakes and He will help you have faith and never give up... 😊
@@bettyboossister3918 i will and thank you.
@@ryeechan you more then welcome...one final thing connect with women who will support your progress...and are positive female role models ...this is paramount to your healing...steer away from any female friends or associates that reflect your mother's behaviour...
I attend mindfulness classes every week and that has changed my life, I cannot tell you things I have noticed, eye opening, brain changing, my diet is better, there are apps for download!!! Great advice!!
Bugsea Angle what apps do you recommend?
My mother wounds still haunt me (Im 56) she's in her late 70s - she's become worse as she gets older. My father was abusive too. Up till now she killed my spirit, caused me so much pain and destruction in my life .I have been ostracised by my family (sister a narc and is golden child) which was very painful. I still see my parents every 6 months but that is it. I send her love and forgive her, because this helps me! Namaste Meredith.x
I'm sorry you went through that, Annabell! I highly recommend those books I cited in the description about healing after narcissistic mothers. Big hug!
You send her love... LMAO!!!!!!
Annabell Dontpullmybell same for me too.
Annabell Dontpullmybell hi ! I find very useful also sending love to that part of me that is very upset and angry if not raged once it's recognised.
Annabelle - I didn't find out my mom was a narc until I got a computer. I found an article about "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and it described my mother to a T. I was 57 when I found it. I am now 61. After much research, I began "Observing and Not Reacting" which helped much. It still hurts when the Golden Child visits her for I too have been ostracized for the last thirty years. Just last week the Golden Child visited and I didn't hear from my mom in four days. I didn't call because I "knew" Golden Child was there. My mom is 87 and whenever Golden Child is there... I'm not. I took care of my mother when she had pneumonia a few months ago and the Golden Child was "minimally" there. I did the grunt work. I am starting EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) this week and hope it will help me with my C-PTSD. God Bless You Annabell.
I cried my way through this video . Thank you so much for bringing this to us. When you said our moms will never be the moms we needed ... ya it hit home
Just found your channel, and I thought I would share what I am going through right now. My mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. In the beginning, I spoke to my father (who is *literally* wrapped around her finger) everyday while she spent months in the hospital. Anyway, she recently got out of the hospital after 5 months in and out of ICU.
Two days ago, I received a call from my mother, which was the first time we had really spoke since she went in to the hospital. We spoke for almost two hours, and I stupidly thought that she really wanted to speak to me. Unfortunately, I spoke to my sister later that day and discovered that my mother has been telling people that the reason my father and I had been speaking, was because we had been "plotting her death".
I am SO disgusted! I have been going through this my ENTIRE life! She tells people how "AWFUL" I am and how I "HATE" her, but always behind my back!
As of now, neither my sister or my father will answer my calls because "mom doesn't need the stress".....
I REALLY believe that she DOES want me to HATE her! EVER action she takes screams that. Just had to get this off my chest. Thank you for sharing Truth.
Xoxo
No worries, my mom totally would do that too!! Glad you got it off your chest, these Narc moms be cray!!!!
I can so relate to this, I was brought up in an emotional torture chamber with a narcissistic psychopath demon possessed mother and a father that just didn't care, 2 narcissistic marriages later I feel so completely broken at 64 where do I start?
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You can get my 12-Week SANA Audio Series for only $10! This 3-month course will provide a foundation for you to start making changes in many areas of your life that were likely hurt as a result of the abuse. 12-Week SANA Audio Series: bit.ly/2emmwQy
Jacqui Birmingham me too. i didnt think there was anyone out there with my horrible situ growing up...but urs is or was exactly like mine. im pushing 60 myself and went no contact 11 yrs ago with my covert malignant abusive narc egg donor. demon possessed like urs, emotional torturer like urs ( shes 90 by the way, i came late in her life).my biological father was like urs, he didnt care that the egg donor was committing ritualistic soul murder on me daily...he died when i was 14 and narc egg donor proceeded to marry another abusive insane narc, with a built in posse of flying monkeys, enablers, alcoholics,. good riddance to them all. ( btw i had two marriages myself and many, many narc relationships as well...where do u start? u have started, just go hardcore no contact with any and all abusers, and start learni g about codependency and the need to individuate from these monsters. you still have some life left, u deserve to live it as ur real authentic self, abuse-free and no narcs!! i am praying 4 u.)
Jacqui Birmingham it's never to late to love yourself. Remember it was never YOU! it was always the people you let in your life. Its not your fault you let them in and it's not your fault your mother is a narcissist. I pray for peace for you. you are loved. God loves you just the way you are.
drawing and painting really help. also, a book called the artist´s way, by julia cameron.
my situation is quite similar. First, know your enemy. They project onto you what they don't want to see of themselves. once you start recognizing it inside yourself i say hello my love.. it's like an unfolding process where you uncover your genuinity , sense of integrity. I also honor that feeling of hate, it comes from that part of you that knows what is right or wring for you.
narc mom's sole ambition is to take any joy away from anyone who is around them. worse on children as they are denied to embrace the gift of joy and internal happiness. they obscure joy to feeling blah forever.
Liv Peace that’s it !!! I would say to my mom I don’t want to hear the black cloud over anything I told her. She couldn’t help herself. It’s like Chinese water torture to try to speak. I found myself having second Mother’s that I could talk to most of my life. The sibling relationship destruction. I knew this as a teenager but I couldn’t put my finger on it. My Dad told me my mom is a narcissist years ago. I was already many years on my own. I was too busy to research it. The rest of the family is clueless idiots acting like narcissists themselves.
Yes any time I talk about something positive my mom will criticize me or tell me she already knows.
I’m leaving a narcissist parent and a family full of serious psychopathology right now. I needed this. Thank you. I have a MA in psychology and people treat me as if I’m somehow immune to narcissistic manipulation.
Thank you! I am crying watching this. I felt a shift in my healing. Nature has always been my refuge and to hear how you explain it is so validating. I do have a mother...and I always have!! Thank you Meredith for reminding me.
YAY!! Your Mother Earth has never left you. She nurtures you every day. Big hug!
What is the author of will I ever be good enough please
"Abandonment of self" really resonated. Taking time out to "reparent myself" appreciate this post!
Thanks!
I’m always parenting myself after my mom does a smear campaign on me, triangulates me from my brothers, and flat out blatantly lies. I just remind myself that I’m a child of God and he loves me no matter what!!!! I know who I am and my strength comes from HIM.
Wow I'm almost 50 and just realizing the damage my mother has done to me. I guess better late than never!
On the money.
I am the husband of a victim of emotional and psychological abuse from her very clever/covert mother.
My wife had a full breakdown three years ago. She was diagnosed with bi-polar2 and depression from abuse from birth. When we outer her her whole family turned against us even though they all new it to be true. We have been no contact now for three years. After researching the dynamics of the dysfunctional narcissistic family it all makes sense albeit hard to understand.
My wife is still struggling with this to this day. She misses her younger brother and his family. She relapses some time and contacts him which triggers her into an episode. We are both 55 years old. We've found out her father is now got cancer and hasn't got long. Which is an added complication.
(The dilemma of does she go and see him).
Good clip.
I’m 53 and only now going through this awakening. It’s like my mom stole my whole life, yet, I’m grateful for coming to faith in God who is healing me. One of the most confusing and painful things is how others are in the dark and see her as a heroic mother and grandmother. I had my first break at age 24 when my second son was 8 months. Bipolar D/O. Mental hospitalizations...always told it was me, my problem, my disease. Have taken no “mood stabilizers” now for 8 years or more; hope I can continue to get through this pain and heal. Peace and health! Oh and Blessed Mother Mary is my true mother and my help.
Peace and live to your wife. I'm so sorry.
Wish you the best ♥️
I’m hearing you. I’m also in a similarly difficult (impossible) situation. My wife suffers from pretty bad anxiety, which manifests in any number of physical and emotional ways. From my own observations of her mother I think a large part of the problem is due to her behaviour. Her mother is deceitful and controlling, and is quick to shut down any conversation that she feels uncomfortable with, often over-reacting emotionally. My wife experienced any number of questionable things from being served magic mushroom tea when she was a pre-teen to having to watch her mother have multiple relationships while her father was away at sea, which must have caused other problems. I can cite dozens of weird experiences my wife and her sister endured during their childhood, but the very worst part of it is the denial on everyone’s behalf. I don’t know what to do.
I think ur wife has to be OK with whatever decision she makes,, if he dies and she hasn't gone to see him, will she be OK with that? And if she does go to see him and is triggered and suffers from that connection will she be OK with that? .. Whatever she does she needs to not have regret after.. If she is OK putting her mental health first then she doesn't go.. But don't regret that decision after.. And if she goes and pays a price she needs to be able to say I wanted to go and this is the price for that but that's OK.. Its a tough one but she has to do what's right for HER not the other person...she owes them nothing. I hope that makes sense to you... Good luck..
I'm currently going through this, feeling physically ill and hopeless 😭 thank you so much, without these videos I don't know what I would do, these 'reality checks' saving my sanity thank you Meredith 🙏
You had me bawling at " Now it's your time baby,it's your time!" Omggg
Thank you for this video - this was really eye-opening for me! I was raised by an extremely abusive mother who I think was both a malignant narcissist and borderline...not sure exactly as she would literally scream and terrorize us for hours - plus play horrible mind games and smile when she made us cry - she was incredibly abusive to my siblings and me. My father just ignored it all and left when I was young for me to fend for myself - alone with her. I suffered extreme depression, OCD, PTSD from it all and it still lasts 20 years later (although much better via therapy).
But yet no therapist ever said to me what you've said here, and yet it all makes such sense! I realize now that my mind wanders constantly in order *not* to focus on myself...to avoid those feelings of devastation and fear that constantly plague me in the background - hour by hour, minute by minute. However now I realize that I need to address that "lonely inner child" as you called it and bring my focus back to me (whoever that is!) and discover myself and my feelings, in order to really be present in the world and actually heal.
Thank you so much for this. :-)
Delphi333 I think we must have been sisters. I’m dealing with all that you are exactly. Minute by minute. Literally have to remind myself to breath at times. Mind wanders always. I’m 51 now and jokingly attribute it to shaken baby syndrome. It may not be so far fetched but your explanation made so much sense I’m afraid of focusing on me, that’s so selfish and vain I was always told but now I’m just afraid I won’t see anything good anyway. I’ve really got to stop being afraid of focusing on myself.
I feel like my stomach is on fire 🔥 😭.. I can't even swallow. My mom has destroyed so much and I grew up to see that my stomach issues is bc I feel my mother and everything. People crying at the store it doesn't matter and I live in isolation a lot . My hair started falling out and I feel the draining on my being it's my second round of loosing way to much weight from being around this I've been giving my pearls to so many swine . I watch this and I'm like in shock ..
emofree.com, try EFT, it can even help war veterans and its free
yes pearls to the swine i always think of that also.........
Devastating. I've grown so much and I'm in my 60s and still figuring out why, even when I think I'm setting boundaries (no problem outside of intimate relationships), I'm too compassionate with intimate, significant others. It's clear that if someone knows how to skirt (dance on the outside) of my rules for fair fighting, I give them too much room to find ways to abuse me. (It's like I'm saying yes to a car salesperson who's only interested in selling the car and not my automotive needs. They use a series of yeses to get us to say yes to the car we can't afford.) They take my ability to forgive or understand their trauma as permission.
And while I generally don't take responsibility for other people, if I feel like the relationship is threatened, I'll slip into responsibility mode and I don't even see I'm doing it and yeah, it's a form of denial so that I can continue to feel safe when I'm not. (And I practice mindfulness... I'm quite nearly the Zen of everything.) I couldn't see why/how I was self abandoning, but looking back on the last two relationships I could see that I was. Now I know how and why I'm doing that. I've seen the freeze, but I haven't realised that I've automatically taken on the job of emotional labor with uncooperative, unappreciative people who wanted to play out their scripts repeatedly because that's what feels normal or makes them feel safe, like they won't be abandoned if they live out the script. (Fine, if this is you, find the lid for your pot, but it's not me.)
It's like chipping away at programming that was meant to convince me my needs are not valuable.
I'm good enough and worthy and I've believed that deep in my bones for a long while now, but dang, when you have a very traumatic childhood, it takes so much work to clear out all of that wiring.
Thank you so much for sharing. This is exactly what I've done but you put it into words so much better than I could. The part about the wounded people in my life wanting to live out their scripts because that's what's normal and safe for them is a new puzzle piece for me. Thank you. I'd never looked at it like that before.
Resonated immediately 🤗💝🕊️
this lady is amazing!
I just downloaded the audio book of Will I Ever Be Good Enough. I have been struggling for several years with a narcissistic mother. I have gone from daily contact to minimal.
I went no contact for years but went back to talking to the narc. Biggest mistake of my life.
that is the most profound thing that you've ever said, in my humble opinion and I've heard you say it more than once we did abandon ourselves to be with these people
I'm so grateful for your channel!! You're an angel! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤️
My mother died last year. Now I feel free finally. Even though I had nothing to do with her for decades her abuse affected me. Now I have a chance to be happy!!! 👍😁
Your insights on being An Outsider are massively helpful. I grew up with a narc mother who would react to whatever she needed to, NOT what I was actually saying/doing. With the result that I had no idea who I really was... And it's stayed with my all my adult life. Especially at work. I've always felt an outsider, and been treated as such ----- especially in being the target of workplace bullies, who doubtless sense my fear and insecurity and lack of sense of self. I've been fired over and over, for no cited reason, other than that My Face Doesn't Fit. And I'm sure it's just the legacy of my destructive narcissist mother.
You might want to check out a podcast episode I did called Unsubscribing from the Narcissist’s Reality. It’s on iTunes or stitcher if you use android.
I think it's safe to say that ever since Mcjuggernuggets (Jesse Ridgway) put out the Psycho Series, there's been an increase in narcissism and parents especially mothers. My mom has always been narcissistic even before McJuggerNuggets released his videos on UA-cam. But I've noticed especially that within the past two years, the problem has gotten worse. I think a lot of that comes from being influenced by the Psycho Series. It's really becoming hard on me physically and mentally. I'm very stressed out all the time and don't know what to do. My mom has constantly manipulated my mind for the past thirty years. And since the Psycho Series (which is obviously fake) came out, it really woke me up. It has helped me quite a bit in hopefully dealing with her. I am autistic, therefore I can't live independently because of my disability. So I live with my mother. And I feel like she's taking all her narcissism out on me because i'm the one person she can control.I'm having to beg her to let me move to an assisted living facility or letting me live with a foster family. But she's doing all she can to keep me around so she can boss me around. My health hasn't really been the best because of all the stress. And it's really taking it's toll on me.
May you find comfort in knowing God has promised he will never leave us or forsake us.
Mothers who can’t love is the absolute best book I have read. Thanks for mentioning it.
You're describing to the "T" my experience except the punishments were vicious and the fear was electric. I'm an only child. I can go on and on. Suffice to say that I'm a resilient person, in tip top condition although I'm a younger version of 63 and know how to work through this pain just as you describe it. But although I've been able to forgive and release the Hulk like rage, the hurt is still there. Very difficult to trust anyone since gas lighting seems to be king everywhere I turn. I don't want to be in a "fuck everyone" mode but that's where I am although I'm in the arts but at the same time decided to isolate myself for a while. Probably part of then spiritual awakening process is the letting go of everything while still being engaged in the usual everyday activities. Maybe I'm deluding myself thinking that basically everyone is full of crap but whatever the case, at the end of the day, you have to take care of your own shit and not let anyone get in the way no matter how lonely it gets. There's the trade off, you're free of a narc relationship and you're free dto do whatever the fuck you want, but it does get lonely at times and it definitely doesn't feel good OR have a mate and after a while the idea of someone breathing down your neck everyday turns paradise into a situation as attractive as municpal work. Being in the present is key. Not easy, takes work, mindfulness when you want to lash out, but the alternative is much, much worse. Wish I had seen this a long, long time ago. You nail it every time. Thanks for this.
you know what you talking about thats how i wanna feel....fuck everyone i dont trust anyone everytime i do they fuck me over . i wish we could chat for a few
The whole spiritual awaking thing everyone told me i was crazy. you just told me i was right . i went through some crazy shit and now just piecing it out
@Lori Lee Two years have passed since this comment, how are you today?
Knowing that you can’t go to your mom for comfort is so hurtful. Time and time again, I have tried and been criticized and devalued. Never once has she encouraged me. It is still hard for me to try not to seek validation from her. I know that no matter what, I will never be good enough for her.
I went NC with no warning. She talked more crap about me to my brother and then her friend. Her friend actually messaged me on Facebook and told me I had to talk to my mother because she doesnt need to be perfect. I went off and deleted my social media. I am done being the worst person in the world like she makes me out to be.
damn. you're Good. probably the Best. I am a Completely different person now. The person I always Knew that I was. it took willingness to go through whatever it took ~Thank All. And completely divorcing these sh/its. don't worry about them, they'll find another "victim". they Don't Want your care and concern. if you're Not feeding off your energy -you're useless to them. Feed YourSelf. ("grandfather, which wolf wins?" "The one you feed.")
personally I would go to see the father before he dies I think it will be more destructive in the long term if she doesn't
it will be the same crap when she does go but she knows that
it's better than the guilt and wondering endlessly should she have seen him and regretted it - for herself I mean not him or the family
omg that sounds like me. I divorced my bio donors long ago. 6yrs for my bio mom & longer for the other. they both tried to get back in last summer & you guessed it they're out again but this time they're done! I would never take them back for nothing. thanks for sharing this video & her letter. I def experience trust issues with ppl & PTSD from everything that has happened under their directions. I see a psychologist now who has been awesome in helping me heal. Its imperative. also meditation has helped me soooo much! Namaste~
Thank you! This was very helpful. I'm one of the ones who had no one in my life who was nurturing and loving like a mother "should be" and kept falling into the "victim" role. I would embrace Mother Earth, and then fall back into despair at what I never had. The part about grieving that was huge for me. Wrapping my head around the fact that that will NEVER happen for me....that I can never change the fact that I never felt loved or wanted...has been so hard for me. And why any relationships have been a disaster....because I was looking for someone to fulfill that role.
I was diagnosed by a good therapist with PTSD from living with my violent, narcissistic mother the first 20 years of my life. It continued as an adult, but at a distance. Growing up with her was physiologically harrowing. I have had no contact for the last 4 years and a lot of therapy and this has been a life changer. Thank you for your helpful video.
The physical abuse was the worst for me- it's non verbal communication-which is extremely powerful. Plus, it took away my safety and left me with nothing. At least when I was being verbally abused I didn't worry about being killed.
Escape the narcissists
sounds like me, it's not easy starting again when your 50 "I'm 50" Iv cut off my mother, I wish my kids would keep her away from my grandchildren, I'm positive she molested my nephew & my older brother who molested me. I have a memory of her making my 4yr old nephew erectile & saying "I know what you want from your nanny" which disgusted me. She trolls my kids profiles trying to turn them against me which will NEVER happen as Iv brought them up with honesty & power to speak their minds, something I could never do. Its a horrible thing to be brought up by one of these monsters.
JoJoZep ofthejungle That sounds horrible. Your not alone. I'm nearly 50 (48) and I haven't had a family, but I worry in the same way about my nephews and nieces who she lives near. It's scary. It's very hard to know what to do about these weirdos. You sound like you have your finger on the pulse of it, so keep up the good work. Personally I hope that mine has a car crash with a tree which would sort the problem, then I feel a bit bad about wishing harm, but hey, I'm a human being ;)
JoJoZep ofthejungle all narcs are usually pedo.
I just turned 52 and because I was so disassociated from myself and emotionally under developed, I just now realized that my older sibling (mother figure) is a covert narcissist. All the traumatic memories are flooding to the surface at once. Nobody understands or even wants to hear me. She has manipulated everyone. Don't feel bad about your age you are not alone. We are strong. We will make it through.
Thank you so much. I need to watch this daily. Just getting to the "Naming it" to break the bond. Calling her what she is and accepting it: Narcissist. So difficult, but I need to remind myself everyday.
@Carie Dawn love that
thank you for this video. what comfort to know that someone understands. Many years ago I found a verse that was such a comfort to me. When my mother work her narcissistic injuries to me I had such comfort in Isaiah 49:15 "Can a woman forget her nursing child? can she feel no love for the child she has born? but even though it is possible, I would not forget you." my mother passed 10 years ago, I still have yet to cry. Thank you for your videos.
Such comfort in this promise that God has said he will NEVER, forget us.
I love that.
Boundaries are key. I am so glad that I moved three hours away from her. It is a shame that we will never have a close mother-daughter relationship. It is even harder having children who don't have a very close relationship with their grandmother. I am 35 and currently going through the motions of loss and grief. My saving grace was moving away and that I was adopted as a baby. From day one, when I knew something wasn't right with my mom, was the day I knew I wouldn't be like her and I would do everything in my power to not be like her. I have talked with different specialists about setting boundaries and they all said they are impressed with how I have turned out, considering what I have been through. I really think in my case, genes play a huge role! My cousins used to say that I was lucky to not have the same genes. And at first I was so offended by their statement. But when looking at the entire picture, I am lucky.
Last week I realized by entire family are narcissists. It's hard to say, I know all about the "whatever liar" reaction this will get. But each of them, brother, sister, mother, father, has horrible self esteem while simultaneously feeling like the rest of the world are idiots who should be used and abused by them and are just mentally ill if they don't like it. They are only happy when they are tearing somebody apart or using someone. I have been researching psychopathy and sociopath characteristics, and a few things did not fit, then last week I learned what a narcissist is and how their mind works. I have been mobbed and abused and invalidated by my entire family for 38 years, and later my in-laws, which I thought I could only escape by ending my life. Now I understand that despite protecting my children, my youngest child has all symptoms of someone raised by a narcissistic mother due to the effects of her narcissist abuser older sister. I am no contact with my older daughter, who lives with us, is constantly triggering whoever she can (besides her dad right now because he earns the money and drives her around per our legal obligations until her 18th birthday) and she has been forbidden to speak to her younger sister after years of constant degradation. She has broken me and my husband (her adoptive father) up a million times, and recently told her sister it is just disgusting that we are back together and not divorced. I tried for 17 to teach a completely miserable, abusive, horrible person to human values and how to be a good person. Now I understand there is nothing I can do, I know why nothing ever worked. It is insane to me that I can't wait to never see my own daughter again. She does disgusting things in the kitchen, then when she realizes what we don't know doesn't hurt us, leaves signs of what she has been doing then acts like she had no idea we wouldn't like her standing bare footed on the cutting board and eventually leaving a toenail on it, just an honest mistake. Making all of us crazy and miserable is all that makes her happy. She has gone no contact with the families who mobbed me for years, which is sad I guess because they are her people. She is just like them, they love and adore her, they do not gang up and degrade her as they do my husband (their adopted sibling/son) and our youngest daughter, and now I understand why. Making any kind hearted person feel like an abuser and doubt their own sanity is her goal and we can not legally get away from it. So I went from constant debilitating psychological and sexual abuse in childhood to raising my own little narcissist. I hope her ascension into adulthood and her "threats" to leave immediately upon turning 18 will finally give us some peace. I don't know how to feel happy, and my youngest child is so damaged she can not be around other children anymore, we home school and tried gracie jiu jitsu but she is abusive to the other chidren. Unlike her older sister, unlike her older sister, she was not born this way, I hope counselling can undo some of the damage.
I always knew there was something off about my mother. That she wasn't the type of person qualified to be a parent. I used to think she had a bi-polar disorder because of how quickly her mood used to change into extremes. But later I realized that she was a narcissist.
She once openly admitted to me that she was jealous of me for being intelligent and succeeding at what I put my mind to. She hated seeing me laughing, having fun, getting praised or complimented, or getting love and attention from anyone. She kept trying to drive a wedge between all my relationships with anyone who could potentially care about me, and she succeeded. She'd create lies and turn even my own father against me. He'd get so mad sometimes that he'd hit me and lecture me without even hearing me out. She fabricated lies about my closest friends and made me doubt them and their intentions. She kept comparing me to my best friend at the time, my cousins, and literally anyone who engaged in any activity I participated in, like studying and playing the piano. I could never catch a break. She wouldn't let me leave the house on my own, even when I became an adult. She'd always follow me whenever I went outside. She'd never let anyone talk to me. She'd always speak for me and keep the conversation on herself.
I had no privacy. Not even in my own home. She'd enter my room whenever she wanted without even knocking. She never listened when I asked her to give me some privacy. When I locked the door out of desperation, she inflated the situation without my knowledge like she always did and made my father yell at me and tell me that I can't ever lock my door. She was smart at knowing how to isolate me. Even though I knew my father wasn't the one at fault since she was the one lying to him to turn him against me, the fact that it was always him who punished me in her place made me subconsciously stop thinking of him as someone I could depend on.
I became unable to trust anyone but myself. Living in that house with her was hell for me. I had no one to confide in. If I ever was vulnerable with her, she'd use all of those things I told her against me and use them to control me. My father never respected my emotions. If he saw me looking upset, he'd ask me to smile saying there was nothing I had to be upset about. Even to this day, I suppress and ignore how I feel and try to forget everything that stresses me because I don't know how else to cope. I started hating her but then the guilt of hating my own mother and wishing she would die took over and made me direct all that hate towards myself. My self-esteem and self-confidence is non-existent.
Talking and opening about it to someone else scares me because I could never afford to expose my weaknesses around my mother because she'd use that all against me. I keep expecting the worst from everyone else I meet. I'd rather be suspicious than give them the benefit of doubt and get hurt and betrayed again. This is only a fraction of the things she did to me. The worst part is that once my father (who is a doctor) said that he got patients whose mothers used to physically abuse them and how grateful I should be to have such a good mother. I couldn't say a word to that because even though I knew there was something wrong with the way I was being treated by her, I was too young to realize that there was a thing called psychological abuse. I did want to tell him that she wasn't a good mother to me though, but I didn't have any scars on my body to prove that she tormented me when he wasn't around. He always took my mother's side because he loved her and respected her due to the caring image she created for him, so I had no courage to tell him anything because I was sure that he wouldn't believe me. I thought he'd get mad at me for accusing her of such a thing and that I'd lose the little support from him that I had. I'd honestly had rather been physically abused that suffer this emotional trauma, because then I wouldn't constantly keep doubting whether I was wronged by the one person who was supposed to always be on my side.
Thank you!! I cut off contact with my mother May 2015. She leaves me voicemail's like nothing ever happened and I sent her a letter before Christmas and she never acknowledges the letter or what I said in it and I told her in the letter if she never gets help/therapy that I can no longer speak to her. I know she will never change. I wrote the letter for me and I sent a copy of the letter to someone else in case she decides to tell lies about what I wrote. Thanks for being here for us!
She's been gone for over 2 years..the pain is still the same. Its difficult to accept that I will never have a chance to tell her how much she has hurt me and how deeply, and to accept that I will never get an apology. It dosent help that the elder kids totally sympathise with her and make excuses for her behavior - she had a tough life etc..
Sangeeta Sudhakaran you would never get any satisfaction from telling her what you needed her to know about your pain. As a narcissist she will remember it differently. And you weren't even an equation to the daily emotions that needed to be counted. And you would never ever ever get an apology so don't regret that you didn't get to erupt back at your abuser just find better ways to be different than her and heal. Peace, love and harmony
Brandee Langarica absolutely 100 percent agree
Sangeeta Sudhakaran forgiveness is the key to unlocking the prison door so you can walk free. Only you can open that door by choice.
@@KristineMorand and Sangeeta - here is an interesting explanation of forgiveness. Much better than feeling taken advantage of - ua-cam.com/video/zMy14T4jpRs/v-deo.html
I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest when I am matching up these words with my symptoms because of my mother's physical and mental abuse... I hate how devastated and cheated I feel bc I won the crappy mother lottery... She died 9.5 years ago from cancer and the child within me keeps crying and yearning for the mother she'll never have. I just wanted her to acknowledge the upbringing and hear that she didn't believe I was a bad person and that she loved me at some point... I didn't get that. When she was dying from cancer... She had her bucket list of places to go... Tuscany Italy, Sedona AZ, Vancouver Canada, and even Celine Dion in Las Vegas... I was never on that list... She never saw my life as an adult... I just needed to know she loved me.
It is painful, and it is devastating. The amount of pain and disconnect I've felt while coming to grips with the reality and trying to process the emotions has been at times almost unbearable and indescribable. I think it would've been easier if my mom was an all out overt narc that was just completely offensive and repulsive at all times, but the love bombing and mixing nice with nasty is what has caused me to harbor so much self doubt and not trust my own intuition. As time goes on and through going no to low contact, I've seen clearly that she will not change, that she's only getting worse, and I've come to realize that what I thought I missed, did not exist. I don't miss an abuser (or in all honestly, how I really say it in my mind is that I don't miss an asshole!). Don't get me wrong, I'm not stooping down to her level and being an abusive person back to her, I believe in having compassion but to the extent that doesn't compromise one's own core values. And that means setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. As time goes on, I feel myself growing more into my power, and that the loneliness I felt, was only felt as I was so gravely disconnected from my own essence.
Very nicely said, Paul. That nice and nasty mix is very disorienting.
You worded this VERYYY WELL🙏🏾I feel the same exact way 😔. We will get thru this !
and Merideth, I thank you and the other quality people like you who have opened my eyes to reality. I am a 55-year-old man who has been in numerous abusive relationships with borderlines, narcissists and most recently a sociopath. I am so thankful for the truths that you have exposed to me as it has given me the tools to make sense of what has happened in my life. I was hoovered repeatedly by my sociopathic soul mate and at the time didn't have the tools to protect myself. My friends tried to help me and made me realize I was being emotionally abused but I always felt so badly for her and thought I could give of myself just like my father had given himself to who I just realized is at a minimum a covert narcissist. My mom persistently verbally abused all of us and I learned that that is the way women are. I am so sad that it took so many years to unravel the chaos and I am so happy that I am on the path to thriving as a result of the advice of you and people you introduced me to such as Ross. l go on about how my life is transforming and all of the beauty that I now see in my true self and the capacity to be everything I am supposed to be and how I can give of myself in a healthy way to those that need. For the past 3 months, I have listened to many hours of your material and I can for the first time ever feel loved and accepted even as I sit alone. My physical health is improving and I truly love myself.
So happy for you Jeff! I've endured the same stuff. I am happier now at 56 yrs old than I ever have.! Peace!
This video feels like a warm hug! Thank you for your warmth, your wisdom and your compassion ❤️
Wow!!! Now I understand why I got so well with my elderly neighbor and my mother in law instead of with my narcissistic mother. Thank you for all your knowledge Meredith
A dark cloud has disappeared from my life since I went no contact with my mother 3 weeks ago. I finally saw through the narcissistic fog, at 42 years old. Looking back, I could always sense the toxic energy, but had also always taken the blame for our fights. Because she was so good at playing the victim (covert narcissist). I can't believe it took me so long to finally call a spade a spade. Grief is inevitable now, but it's better than living in the constant state of semi-madness and anxiety that I was experiencing while in contact with her. I just feel free now, I can finally breathe. I can finally just be.
Literally feel the same the last week has been overwhelming and I thought could this be the start of a mental breakdown to be honest. My nan passed away a year ago next week and so I tried to engage in some sort of relationship with my mum because I felt that's what my nan would have wanted. Me and my brother's were neglected and emotionally abused as children. It has continued through to adults I was the good one as I tried hard in school looked after my siblings and done lots of housework etc to try and please her, my middle brother was the scapegoat.. Billy the barstard he got the blame for everything and anything and my youngest has cystic fibrosis so he gave her the tool for everybody to feel sorry for her because look at my disabled son. Long story short I've cut off contact on and off over the years but always felt guilty and it never occurred to me that she was a narc. Always thinking but she's still my mum. This last week has been really eye opening for me, my friend sent me a couple of meridths videos and now everything is starting to make sense finally... Sending love and healing your wayxxx
Mindfulness is fantastic 😀 great videos Meredith and thank you for the reminder of mindfulness! 😊😘
my mother was a demon through and through...she actually killed my father and gotten away with murder....she was the most abusive evil doer on two feet...she died a horrible death and for 30 yrs could never look me in the eye...for when i was 11 yrs old i caught her fornicating with my father nephew....imagine 30 yrs and nevr be able to establish eye contact with me....she lied...set up sibblings against one another...was totally dissaponited and anger with rage when she knew my cancer test was negetive...she freaked out...she was very happy if my business was doing bad and was sad when i was doing good....i stood next to her bed as she was gasping for dear life...and even then she did not establish eye contact...i was waiting for an apology or a sign of remorse so i can forgive...but she stayed evil to the last breath....she looked like a demon when she died...her eyes popped out of her sockets as she gasped and gasped for breath....i was very happy when she died...she did leave bhind a sibblings war now 10 yrs old....i hope she is in hell cos sh hurt me and seriously hurt my kids .....
I'm so sorry for your nightmare. Thanks for sharing your story. My mom is a demon too. Wish she would die.
yes death can be a blessing!!!
Riggo 199 I've seen the look of a demon in my mums eyes too, she hates it if I'm doing OK, and smirks when I'm having a breakdown.
your free l envy you
Forgiveness will be the key to opening the door of the prison. Only you can unlock it and only you can walk out of it.
Omg thank you to the person who asked this question and thank you Meredith! I'm going to put my belly on mother earth tomorrow morning! : )!
Awesome!! :)
Maybe after the Sun though...its wet right now ♡
Being present in yourself is the key. You need to focus on what "you" are doing. Stay present with "yourself" not another personality of the abusive personality you were brainwashed into. Be present in yourself and pay attention to what you are engaging in. Thank you for this video. I found myself replaying my abusive mother's mother. This video is a must see. Great gratitude.
At the very least - we know what NOT to do and how NOT to treat people. I've gained so much from your videos, Meredith. YOU ROCK!!! Your wisdom and your open heart are your rewards and gifts to the rest of us.
Really love the advice to connect to mother nature. These videos you do are great and I really appreciate the book recommendations. I'm trying to become more authentic and mindful but it has been extremely difficult. I see myself making progress though and I guess that's all that truly matters.
Exactly! Progress is a gradual and consistent process. Big hug!
Rock on XxX
Yes you are right!
I really like the way you describe the Mother Earth to replace my NPDM. I had a NPDM, NPDF and a NPD step mother. I grew up so unsure and insecure. I could not make decisions without self doubting. I also had extremely dysfunctional and abusive siblings. I always felt like an outsider and that I never fit in anywhere. I knew something was wrong with my family years and years ago but could not put my finger on it until 2 years ago. I realized that I meant nothing to my family. They ignored me and scapegoated me calling me crazy and a troublemaker. I told my mom that I wanted to divorce everyone. She turned it around on me telling me I was difficult and disloyal. I was left out of family functions for the last 25 years. Every bit of information had to go thru my npdm. She sat on the phone for hours at a time and gossipped covering her comments up with her false concern for me. I always knew something was wrong with our relationship. It was one sided, she always got her way and would crush me with angry eyes and purse her lips together with disapproval. She invited my molester to my house to years ago on Thanksgiving without any regard for my feelings. She watched my face as I struggled not to go into a rage. She smiled as though she enjoyed the encounter and waited to see if my husband and children would side with her. She started sobbing and resorted to her all to familiar 'victim role" I then demanded that they both leave my house. . She immediately got on the phone and started her smear campaign. She had her friend and people from her church call me and tell me that I was being disrespectful to her and that I needed to get some help because she was such a wonderful person. I went nc with all of my family last year. It has been the best year of my life. I actually found out that I am a good person and I am getting out and making friends. Its hard for people to understand that all family does not have your back., but I have my back and I have people in my life that I have replaced as family members that are loving, kind and supportive. It is a shame that I spent so many years with these toxic people. That little girl who disappeared in the corner and was blamed for all of the families problems is coming out of her shell and holding her head high. I feel as though my heart just got bigger and opened up. Onward and Upward!
❤️ gave me so much hope.
I feel like I could really heal myself after listening to you, I really was having that "empty" feeling after walking away although I am getting my life back and enjoy the freedom but still felt those feelings that I couldn't let go but you explain things so beautifully and I WILL HEAL
60 yrs. Always knew something was wrong, off, weird. An only child. No one to talk to. No one interested. No one believes. Never heard the word until 2 yrs before she passed. I still cared for her up until her last breath. Now I am left to recover. Your words are very healing. Thank you so much.
8:30-"How often to shut down your joy, your life--just to match up with someone who was gonna shut you down?! 100 authenticity with yourself!"
Amen. Had to learn this even decade ago but I'm relearning it now through your video and you need to realize about how if we were authentic we wouldn't have accepted them in the first place THEN.
So you know they fired us (after our taking em back after their transparent LIE of "it's not so bad/like that--after a few stifled attempts by THEM of firing them.
But being authentic we don't ever have to put ourselves in that shoe again!
Chances r if ur mom's a narc and ur dad is physically abusing, he must be abusing u because of all the problems ur mom is causing. Narc moms know how to manipulate their hubbies. They lie that u the poor innocent child was causing problems, they say u were being slutty, they complain abt how much they had to do for you and if ur the scapegoat and u speak up? Oh man u make the physical abuse from dad and the emotional and physical abuse from narc mommy waayyyy freakin worse! Enabler dads want u to just shut up and let things flowthe way the narc mom wants and let him live in peace
muslimah432 hey, I don't think that the father is abusing because of the mother. That is letting him off all responsibility for his own actions. Peace x
muslimah432 yes i think ur right. especially a narc mother who can manipulate the men in their lives who love her and want to protect her. my mother has pitted my dad and brothers against me. they also dont wanna hear her mouth lol! men like that are lazy really and not real protectors
muslimah432 yes, my mums favourite saying was wait til your farther gets home then she would make shit up so he would hit me.
exactly my life with my parents
No. He abuses because he CHOOSES to
I’m 46 and have been no contact with my covert narc mom for a few years, but still devastated that I didn’t have a mommy or a daddy.
It’s like accepting a death, but with no good memories.
Then I married someone with BPD and still together after 25 years.
Things are slowly getting better, but what a wasted life. My health is bad because of addictions to junk food & cigarettes.
I feel like life is over and has been stolen from me, but I also have hope for things to get better, but so much damage has been done for my entire existence and I’ve known nothing different to go back to. I don’t even know how to live.
My kids have suffered because I was emotionally unavailable to them. All I knew was to live in a heightened state of alert, anxiety, walking on egg shells and trying to make the abusers happy, so they would stop for a while.
Thank you for the titels of the books. I red one of them. I never thought that I could hate my feminine energie because of my mother, and though....I hate it. To see mother earth as a remplacement, to ground myself, and to give her my grief, my pain, that she will accept and recycle is beautifull. I never thought about it.
I never thought of connecting to Mother Earth like that. Thank you! I feel now like I have a great mother after all!!
You are such an angel!! I'm so thankful to have come across this video. Can't wait to check out all the others! Blessings to you :)
The scar that abuse and neglect leaves is trauma. Complex ptsd. The need to heal is to revise the scar that we must reform take back and ink with our new understanding of who we really are.
Beautiful video, I really needed to hear this this week, thank you.
Big hug!
Inner Integration If I was a guy I would have married you 😗😗😗😗😗
Thank you, Meredith! That's another great video! I feel so good and understood every time you publish materials!
Big hug, Maisa!
Just another, real, from the trenches point of view of what can and does happen to someone. It is truly some hard work to dig out of the fog and forge a real relationship with yourself. Especially when it wasn't fostered into you as a child. I try to view it in a way that allows me to nurture that inner child, give him what he needs that I never got, so that the wounds can heal and I can move on. I would really love to see some of your viewpoints on covert female narcissists. Because this is what I am currently coming to realize has been a driving force in my trauma bond. My mother, what I was familiar with, and what I sought in a mate so I could heal it....which, sadly isn't the right way to do it. Yes 100% responsibility for my life. Which means some real inventory taking and correcting the wrongs.
Thank you so much!!! I found you a few years ago. Lost you for some reason, and re-found you. So grateful for your light and energy and love. Everything you said here resonated profoundly. The penny dropped recently about my mother constantly abusing, gaslighting and invalidating me. So right now, I'm wading through the grief of that. And I have a lot of work to do. But I'm prepared to do it. Anything to get back to a sense of self and some sort of life path. All of it in ruins. Tried to renovate, and heal her/us all of it for years. But of course it never happened. Thanks again for all you do. xo
AMEN...THANK YOU...I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS...HUGZ BACK AT YOU☺.