Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Loss of self is not necessarily caused by attachment injury. Many men use intermittent reinforcement in order to control the other person. This all on its own has been shown to cause a condition of addiction in the other person and that addiction causes loss of self. Getting awY from an abusive person is like recovering from heroin addition. It’s terribly hard but after awhile you start to feel that you have found yourself. At least in small bits and pieces, which is the greatest most joyful experience there is. So have courage people! You can do this! Written by Adele of Sami y philosophy group
Alan's articulation of this subject matter is un-paralleled. If you're a human, you'd be well-served to watch his videos. This one blew me away (again). Explains every-THING.
I feel like I should watch this everyday until I get out of my non-relationship relationship. I'm scared though because I always hang on emotionally and re-play the tapes , suffering until I cannot bear anymore (last time was 15 months of this !) and move onto the next bad relationship so I can get over the last one.
Shit this comment roasted me this is my life 😂 i even had someone healthy offer me love and i got so freaked out I'm like becoming avoidant now 😭 i have an avoidant partner and feel very like... unfulfilled and degraded tbh 😞 this post was 3 years ago, did you find ever find a healthy partner? Or was it just 3 years of more trauma 😪🖤
I think now I get what you mean about attachment trauma: although my mother cared about, fed me, took me to school and so on, she was quite distant and cold, there was never a kiss or a hug. And I remember walking on egg shells constantly, just like I do today in my 17 years marriage. I wish you could talk about the way out of this kind of trauma. But this video gave me insight and I hope it turns into power.
So helpful!! Thank you so much. I have been feeling shame from other people's judgment, "tough love," frustration, and lack of understanding. This is so helpful in understanding and taking away that shame. Well said: The degree of our stuckness reflects the depth of our attachment trauma. Thank you for the empathy and understanding!!
Empathy to you. Many of us can relate with struggling with shame due to people's judgments in our history. I'm really glad the video was helpful. Since you like this video, please tag a friend who may also find it helpful. Thanks for the comment.
My very first panic attack, complete with irregular heartbeat, hyperventilation and walking aimlessly from room to room, came a few moments after ending a relationship. It wasn't even a very significant one. A couple of years earlier, when my husband left me, I literally went into some sort of shock, trembling, hypervigilant and not being able to sleep or to eat. Lost 46 pounds in 2 months. Scary stuff. The struggle is real and it can potentially kill you.
Wisdom pours out of your consciousness to help us in our attachment traumas. Your words came pouring as pure gold. Thanks for enlightening us. All the love in the world to you!
Thank you Alan. Today I did the deed. I decided I just couldn't live in this yo yo pattern anymore. Trying not to feel guilty because he told me I would abandon him, though in truth he really abandoned me. Am praying I can stay strong and that he will let go. I still love him. I think he was the love of my life but I realized it takes more than love to sustain a relationship. You have so many lovely comments below and I agree you are an absolute treasure!
Wow Alan! Hit the nail right on the head once again. Now that I've been out of my relationship for almost a year, I feel just as stuck. I recognize that I have attachment trauma. Just not sure how to move forward. But it is comforting to know that there is a reason why my relationships don't work & why I choose the men I do. Attachment trauma is real. Thank you for sharing your experience with us too, and for your empathy, blessings & thorough understanding. So glad I found you. Hugs. ❤️
As a child i was stuck for yrs had to..endure physical abuse,verbal and emotional... then becoming the breadwinner and yet couldn't move away i felt responsible.for my siblings and then.came.the bad relationships n the cycle kept repeating .i now understand why. Thankyou .
Hi Alan, Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your personal story in such detail. You do such a good job of communicating how your body & mind feel in trauma mind. I have great compassion for what you have experienced, I think partly because I have been there & can relate so strongly to the struggle. You want to do what's best for you & at the same time feel the need to stay in a less than satisfactory situation because of the trauma bond. You are so right - the STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!! Your work is so valuable & is really helping to wake me up so that healing is possible. THANK YOU!!
I am not happy! He tells me he loves me, but we come from a different background, different education... things that deeply hurt me, seem childish to him! He is happy, I am not happy! I don't feel secure, I feel that since I am in this relationship, my career went down, I am not able to focus on the things I used to love... and I feel very depressed! And, of course... I can't find the strenght to leave! The pictures of us, the beautiful memories... our jokes... it is driving me mad! I can't leave! ☹
@@theelizardqueen, you wouldn't believe it... but we are still together.. It is such a complicated situation because love is envolved... both sides! He told me that sometimes he feels like this himself... that he has to save himself from the way I make him feel: mad, depressed, unhappy... but that he can't leave... because he loves me very much! With this pandemic we have been spending all the time together... making songs (we are both musicians), playing chess... I wrote a song about our misunderstandings... he made the instrumental arrangement... (he is a guitarist😎) but it all ended up in a huge fight because I felt that he started to care more about the song than he cares about me! He told me that he was so preocupied because he wanted to help me... and because he loves me! For the first time in my life I feel so confused... and when I tell him something upsets me... it explodes... because he tells me I am so loved and I am offending him with my complainings! I suspect that he is not the only problem! That I might be exagerated myself! Thank you so much for asking and for your curiousity!
I realised that's his saying he loves me didn't match his actions. That the first step recognising that he/she isn't going to change. Best wishes, strength to you
This is the video that really hit home. I have been stuck for years in a non-relationship relationship. I put this man on a pedestal and believed that he was everything, when it was really never a healthy relationship. He even said straight out that he would never love me again, and what did I do.........I begged him for another chance. I was so afraid to lose him, that I begged him to stay. I will be watching this video over and over again. It's time to move on.
This has really been an eye opener and has helped me immensely! I have been ignored and dismissed by family and friends, the last thing I can barely believe, they’ve given up on me. Thank you for giving me knew perspective! Wonderful and compassionate! You have a gift and thanks for sharing it
Urgh, your personal example happened to me nearly the same way. I wanted it to be ended, but when she ended it my body sort of collapsed. As I was quite a long time in meta cognition thinking, I was observing something so distressing bc "wth, I wanted an end, this doesn't work, why do I feel like I sink with the titanic?" I think I come a long way to realize in my mid fourties that I have attachment trauma, bc of UA-cam and not of my countless therapysessions in the last 20 y. After that breakdown 3 y ago, where I felt again I totally lost myself I was able to see the horrific childhood and relationships I went through and it is painful! Momentarily I have a therapist who does art therapy and I feel like some of my lifetime-freeze cracks up a little. Thanks for your great work. This video was again very helpful.
I have a reoccurring dream where I suddenly find myself in a relationship with an ex and I don't know how I got there and I don't know how to leave. Not trusting myself to be able to leave is one of the biggest reasons I haven't been in a relationship for 7 years now.
YOU are AMAZING!!! I cant tell you Alan how blessed I am to have found you . I have been experiencing high levels of anxiety 24/7 for the past 12 years. For many many reasons I keep stuck in a marriage that is so dead. 4 decades to date of still being legally married. I am listening to ALL your messages and MY HEART IS healing, AS MY MIND is getting clarity as to why this lovely loving nurturing dedicated mom of 5 simply BROKE down !!! I am understanding that I cant blame my avoidant personality husband anymore and the desire I had to keep married to an emotionally absent man...(husband)...is what drove me cray cray..... on and on...and OH MAN do I know what the PAIN feels like....its exhausting....and makes me feel like I should just take myself to a hospital and have the nice doctors and nurses dote on me... ( Ahhh... LOL...these days the hospitals here in America simply rush people in and out).....anyhow, I would love to have you as my coach...if you would consider please.. Thank you marilyn
shanny, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
My friend called me pathetic spoiled when I used to complain about my relationship drama she couldn't understand why wouldn't just leave the person, ignore them and go away. 😊 She couldn't understand why I begged them to stay. Especially when there were so many red flags and I pedal stal the person. And ignore the red flags
My goodness you are speaking about my life right now. I grew up in a household and the family were children were to be seen and not heard. I remember being a child and one of my aunts telling my cousins and myself while heading to a family friend's house that if we spoke without being spoken to first we were "gonna get it". I remember the family friend saying how well-behaved we were and she had no idea that we were more afraid of getting our asses beat than anything. It's terrible what some adult do children.
Thank you for watching; I'm really glad that this resonated with you and that you felt understood. If my information is of benefit, I encourage you to check out my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you again, Alan Robarge...how did you learn all this? I am awestruck that you and can pull apart difficult concepts and then articulate the logic so clearly. Now onto my comment regarding stuck relationships. I feel I am ready to move along; however, I have so much time invested in the current one and I am no longer young. As ready, willing and able I am, the reality is that each new relationship requires TONS of work...and everyone carries baggage that can take years to uncover or present? (is this the lingo lol). Therefore I'm inclined to work things out with my fantasy boyfriend as long as he is capable of becoming real. All relationships are difficult...and Emotional intimacy is learned with patience and practice. I'm willing but is he capable of becoming a whole man? What do you think, Alan? Am I lying to myself?
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear the videos have been helpful and you receive benefit from my work. Please consider checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
I get stuck like a deer in headlights and delay on break ups to my own detriment. Fear of the unknown, of being lonely, of hurting them, of facing them completely overwhelm me. I don’t feel I come from an unhealthy childhood. Perhaps it could be because the relationship is good in many ways but I know deep down we are not right for each other . Please help?
Hi. I would not make a direct correlation at face value but anything is possible when you look at the bigger family system and context that the stealing was taking place. There is a generic interpretation about stealing that assumes the person stealing is feeling deprived in life. Or there is this idea that the rush of getting away with something "forbidden" creates a sense of control and power, especially if the child is feeling out of control and disempowered in other areas of life. This is all conjecture. The truth is I wouldn't know exactly. Thanks for the comment.
ExposingTruths...this is one of two conditions that must be met before I reingage with my Fantascy manfriend. At this point he knows both conditions remaining. To his credit he has completed 1 of 3.
what should I do? my husband of 31years of marriage I'm physically disabled ( small SSDI check ) not enough to live off of the home about played for I DONT KNOW TO DO!:I don't have family or friends I need to get a divorce but don't have any money!
Look for geared to income housing or subsidized housing. This can take years to get into. Sell the house split the money buy a small apt if you can afford to. Maybe there is more government funds available? Get a legal aid lawyer and get spousal support, child support, half his pension and investments etc. Get a job if possible that you could manage with your disability, or a job online. Get a roommate in a two bedroom apt. I wish you the best I can relate.
Separated from my husband for 14 months we kept seeing each other and only each other he lives 2 miles from me. On top of his battles with bi polar I became clingy and jealous he has now decided to file for divorce as I dint have the balls to do it. I can't leave him alone I don't want him with anyone else we were together 7 years and I feel pathetic he is brutally mean if we do speak or just avoids me in general I have listened to most your videos which do you recommend for me ?
hi hayley i feel your pain. im constantly on and off with someone who always breaks my heart. but i cling on mercilessly. hes all i can think about. feel so lost without him. i do suffer from attachment issues as a child. would u like to add me to facebook
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Loss of self is not necessarily caused by attachment injury. Many men use intermittent reinforcement in order to control the other person. This all on its own has been shown to cause a condition of addiction in the other person and that addiction causes loss of self. Getting awY from an abusive person is like recovering from heroin addition. It’s terribly hard but after awhile you start to feel that you have found yourself. At least in small bits and pieces, which is the greatest most joyful experience there is. So have courage people! You can do this! Written by Adele of Sami y philosophy group
You are a gift. Brilliant and honest. Thank you, again and again. I'm floored by your generosity.
Absolutely
Alan's articulation of this subject matter is un-paralleled. If you're a human, you'd be well-served to watch his videos. This one blew me away (again). Explains every-THING.
I feel like I should watch this everyday until I get out of my non-relationship relationship. I'm scared though because I always hang on emotionally and re-play the tapes , suffering until I cannot bear anymore (last time was 15 months of this !) and move onto the next bad relationship so I can get over the last one.
Shit this comment roasted me this is my life 😂 i even had someone healthy offer me love and i got so freaked out I'm like becoming avoidant now 😭 i have an avoidant partner and feel very like... unfulfilled and degraded tbh 😞 this post was 3 years ago, did you find ever find a healthy partner? Or was it just 3 years of more trauma 😪🖤
Brilliant Alan. You're so eloquently explaining the trauma of attachment wounding. It's like swimming in a bath of nails!
Thank you once again. I am stunned by your passion and generosity as well. You are a treasure.
I think now I get what you mean about attachment trauma: although my mother cared about, fed me, took me to school and so on, she was quite distant and cold, there was never a kiss or a hug. And I remember walking on egg shells constantly, just like I do today in my 17 years marriage. I wish you could talk about the way out of this kind of trauma. But this video gave me insight and I hope it turns into power.
So helpful!! Thank you so much. I have been feeling shame from other people's judgment, "tough love," frustration, and lack of understanding. This is so helpful in understanding and taking away that shame. Well said: The degree of our stuckness reflects the depth of our attachment trauma. Thank you for the empathy and understanding!!
Empathy to you. Many of us can relate with struggling with shame due to people's judgments in our history. I'm really glad the video was helpful. Since you like this video, please tag a friend who may also find it helpful. Thanks for the comment.
My very first panic attack, complete with irregular heartbeat, hyperventilation and walking aimlessly from room to room, came a few moments after ending a relationship. It wasn't even a very significant one. A couple of years earlier, when my husband left me, I literally went into some sort of shock, trembling, hypervigilant and not being able to sleep or to eat. Lost 46 pounds in 2 months. Scary stuff. The struggle is real and it can potentially kill you.
I can’t thank you enough! My subconscious mind discovered your videos at the perfect time-when I was open & ready. Sending you love & light!! ❤️
Wisdom pours out of your consciousness to help us in our attachment traumas. Your words came pouring as pure gold. Thanks for enlightening us. All the love in the world to you!
Bethany Hansen Very well said
Thank you Alan. Today I did the deed. I decided I just couldn't live in this yo yo pattern anymore. Trying not to feel guilty because he told me I would abandon him, though in truth he really abandoned me. Am praying I can stay strong and that he will let go. I still love him. I think he was the love of my life but I realized it takes more than love to sustain a relationship. You have so many lovely comments below and I agree you are an absolute treasure!
How are things today? if I may ask. I´m in a yo yo for a long time now.
Wow Alan! Hit the nail right on the head once again. Now that I've been out of my relationship for almost a year, I feel just as stuck. I recognize that I have attachment trauma. Just not sure how to move forward. But it is comforting to know that there is a reason why my relationships don't work & why I choose the men I do. Attachment trauma is real. Thank you for sharing your experience with us too, and for your empathy, blessings & thorough understanding. So glad I found you. Hugs. ❤️
Fran Davis don't feel alone separated 14 months now he's divorcing me I'm in panic mode big time and in trauma Counselling I don't know how to let go.
@@HalyeyFlaUK That was 3 years ago...how are you today?
Trained! Stuck! Shamed! THANK YOU I now understand that self-blame can be an attempt for control!
Your honesty is stunning and appreciated.
As a child i was stuck for yrs had to..endure physical abuse,verbal and emotional... then becoming the breadwinner and yet couldn't move away i felt responsible.for my siblings and then.came.the bad relationships n the cycle kept repeating .i now understand why. Thankyou .
Hi Alan,
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your personal story in such detail. You do such a good job of communicating how your body & mind feel in trauma mind. I have great compassion for what you have experienced, I think partly because I have been there & can relate so strongly to the struggle. You want to do what's best for you & at the same time feel the need to stay in a less than satisfactory situation because of the trauma bond. You are so right - the STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!! Your work is so valuable & is really helping to wake me up so that healing is possible. THANK YOU!!
I am not happy! He tells me he loves me, but we come from a different background, different education... things that deeply hurt me, seem childish to him! He is happy, I am not happy! I don't feel secure, I feel that since I am in this relationship, my career went down, I am not able to focus on the things I used to love... and I feel very depressed! And, of course... I can't find the strenght to leave! The pictures of us, the beautiful memories... our jokes... it is driving me mad! I can't leave! ☹
Did you end up leaving???
@@theelizardqueen, you wouldn't believe it... but we are still together.. It is such a complicated situation because love is envolved... both sides! He told me that sometimes he feels like this himself... that he has to save himself from the way I make him feel: mad, depressed, unhappy... but that he can't leave... because he loves me very much! With this pandemic we have been spending all the time together... making songs (we are both musicians), playing chess... I wrote a song about our misunderstandings... he made the instrumental arrangement... (he is a guitarist😎) but it all ended up in a huge fight because I felt that he started to care more about the song than he cares about me! He told me that he was so preocupied because he wanted to help me... and because he loves me! For the first time in my life I feel so confused... and when I tell him something upsets me... it explodes... because he tells me I am so loved and I am offending him with my complainings! I suspect that he is not the only problem! That I might be exagerated myself! Thank you so much for asking and for your curiousity!
I realised that's his saying he loves me didn't match his actions. That the first step recognising that he/she isn't going to change. Best wishes, strength to you
Alan, you do an excellent job of explaining this without shaming
This is the video that really hit home. I have been stuck for years in a non-relationship relationship. I put this man on a pedestal and believed that he was everything, when it was really never a healthy relationship. He even said straight out that he would never love me again, and what did I do.........I begged him for another chance. I was so afraid to lose him, that I begged him to stay. I will be watching this video over and over again. It's time to move on.
If I may aks, how are you today? I´m in the same situation, stuck. Had some opportunities to leave, but gave them up at the last moment...
❤️
This has really been an eye opener and has helped me immensely!
I have been ignored and dismissed by family and friends, the last thing I can barely believe, they’ve given up on me.
Thank you for giving me knew perspective!
Wonderful and compassionate!
You have a gift and thanks for sharing it
Wow this is exactly my situation. Good times. 😢 Thank you!
Urgh, your personal example happened to me nearly the same way. I wanted it to be ended, but when she ended it my body sort of collapsed. As I was quite a long time in meta cognition thinking, I was observing something so distressing bc "wth, I wanted an end, this doesn't work, why do I feel like I sink with the titanic?" I think I come a long way to realize in my mid fourties that I have attachment trauma, bc of UA-cam and not of my countless therapysessions in the last 20 y. After that breakdown 3 y ago, where I felt again I totally lost myself I was able to see the horrific childhood and relationships I went through and it is painful! Momentarily I have a therapist who does art therapy and I feel like some of my lifetime-freeze cracks up a little. Thanks for your great work.
This video was again very helpful.
Got me crying in my panini. Thank you, Alan.
Glad to hear this was moving for you. Hopefully the panini was still good lol. You're welcome.
Thank you Alan ,keep doing what you do because you are helping so many people.Thank you for helping me in my awareness.
yep ty so much it triggers the oldest of trauma
Other people also think we are pathetic. All we do is try to explain hurtful behaviours and blame ourselves
Thank you so very very much. I needed to see this today more then you could ever know x
I have a reoccurring dream where I suddenly find myself in a relationship with an ex and I don't know how I got there and I don't know how to leave. Not trusting myself to be able to leave is one of the biggest reasons I haven't been in a relationship for 7 years now.
Thanks for the comment. Good example of your psyche grappling with this dynamic.
I have these nightmares too... Exes moving back in! And I don't know how they got there... 😳
YOU are AMAZING!!! I cant tell you Alan how blessed I am to have found you . I have been experiencing high levels of anxiety 24/7 for the past 12 years. For many many reasons I keep stuck in a marriage that is so dead. 4 decades to date of still being legally married. I am listening to ALL your messages and MY HEART IS healing, AS MY MIND is getting clarity as to why this lovely loving nurturing dedicated mom of 5 simply BROKE down !!! I am understanding that I cant blame my avoidant personality husband anymore and the desire I had to keep married to an emotionally absent man...(husband)...is what drove me cray cray..... on and on...and OH MAN do I know what the PAIN feels like....its exhausting....and makes me feel like I should just take myself to a hospital and have the nice doctors and nurses dote on me... ( Ahhh... LOL...these days the hospitals here in America simply rush people in and out).....anyhow, I would love to have you as my coach...if you would consider please.. Thank you marilyn
blessings to you Alan. you changed my life with this video. thank you thank you thank you.❤❤
shanny, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
My friend called me pathetic spoiled when I used to complain about my relationship drama she couldn't understand why wouldn't just leave the person, ignore them and go away.
😊 She couldn't understand why I begged them to stay. Especially when there were so many red flags and I pedal stal the person. And ignore the red flags
I hear you.
Thank you so much for these videos
My goodness you are speaking about my life right now. I grew up in a household and the family were children were to be seen and not heard. I remember being a child and one of my aunts telling my cousins and myself while heading to a family friend's house that if we spoke without being spoken to first we were "gonna get it".
I remember the family friend saying how well-behaved we were and she had no idea that we were more afraid of getting our asses beat than anything. It's terrible what some adult do children.
SIMONE Yes!!! I can relate to this for sure. Thanks for sharing !!! ❤️
Dr Alan I just wanna give you a BIG HUG.
So grateful for your videos 🙏🏻❤️ thank you
I appreciate the kind words.
Thank-your for your "get to the point" videos, great clarity, and great advice. Bless you!
I can relate to every single thing you said! you have helped me so much. thank you.
Thank you for watching; I'm really glad that this resonated with you and that you felt understood.
If my information is of benefit, I encourage you to check out my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You give wonderful advice Alan, I really appreciate your videos and they help immensely.
Thank you again, Alan Robarge...how did you learn all this? I am awestruck that you and can pull apart difficult concepts and then articulate the logic so clearly. Now onto my comment regarding stuck relationships. I feel I am ready to move along; however, I have so much time invested in the current one and I am no longer young. As ready, willing and able I am, the reality is that each new relationship requires TONS of work...and everyone carries baggage that can take years to uncover or present? (is this the lingo lol). Therefore I'm inclined to work things out with my fantasy boyfriend as long as he is capable of becoming real. All relationships are difficult...and Emotional intimacy is learned with patience and practice. I'm willing but is he capable of becoming a whole man? What do you think, Alan? Am I lying to myself?
Bella Krinkle: ikr he's brilliant.
Alain is a psychologist. All good psychologists know this subject.
Same here.
How did it turn out?
You are so helpful more than you could imagine!!!!! Thankyou
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear the videos have been helpful and you receive benefit from my work. Please consider checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
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www.alanrobarge.com/community
Just wow, Thank You!
Thank you.
I love when you talk about Agency
SO SO helpful Thankyou
I get stuck like a deer in headlights and delay on break ups to my own detriment. Fear of the unknown, of being lonely, of hurting them, of facing them completely overwhelm me. I don’t feel I come from an unhealthy childhood. Perhaps it could be because the relationship is good in many ways but I know deep down we are not right for each other . Please help?
Wow. I am a person who gets really stuck.
Feelin' stuck, you know how to keep me up (yeah, yeah!)
Icy love, icy like a hockey puck
- Travis Scott
thank you.
The Factualizer, you are welcome. Thanks for the comment.
This video is so important but too painful to deal with. Back to cute kitten videos I go.
Paper Mario, many of us feel that looking directly at these issues is painful. Much empathy to you and good self care in titrating your healing work.
Does stealing from childhood have anything to do with attachments trauma? ?
Hi. I would not make a direct correlation at face value but anything is possible when you look at the bigger family system and context that the stealing was taking place. There is a generic interpretation about stealing that assumes the person stealing is feeling deprived in life. Or there is this idea that the rush of getting away with something "forbidden" creates a sense of control and power, especially if the child is feeling out of control and disempowered in other areas of life. This is all conjecture. The truth is I wouldn't know exactly. Thanks for the comment.
ExposingTruths...this is one of two conditions that must be met before I reingage with my
Fantascy manfriend. At this point he knows both conditions remaining. To his credit he has completed 1 of 3.
what should I do? my husband of 31years of marriage I'm physically disabled ( small SSDI check ) not enough to live off of the home about played for I DONT KNOW TO DO!:I don't have family or friends I need to get a divorce but don't have any money!
Look for geared to income housing or subsidized housing. This can take years to get into. Sell the house split the money buy a small apt if you can afford to.
Maybe there is more government funds available? Get a legal aid lawyer and get spousal support, child support, half his pension and investments etc.
Get a job if possible that you could manage with your disability, or a job online.
Get a roommate in a two bedroom apt.
I wish you the best I can relate.
Is so true
I hear you
❤⚘
You must know me.
Is there a solution other than leaving the relationship?
If you both aren’t willing to try to heal and work on yourselves and work on the relationship than ya it’s not gonna work.
Separated from my husband for 14 months we kept seeing each other and only each other he lives 2 miles from me. On top of his battles with bi polar I became clingy and jealous he has now decided to file for divorce as I dint have the balls to do it. I can't leave him alone I don't want him with anyone else we were together 7 years and I feel pathetic he is brutally mean if we do speak or just avoids me in general I have listened to most your videos which do you recommend for me ?
Hayley Marshall
hi hayley i feel your pain. im constantly on and off with someone who always breaks my heart. but i cling on mercilessly. hes all i can think about. feel so lost without him. i do suffer from attachment issues as a child. would u like to add me to facebook
alan please give me some guidance. i dont want to be stuck anymore. i have lost my spirit. i suffer from emotional attachment issues. please help me
Sure I'm under hayley Hilton
Move on.
I would join the Facebook group if only you accepted me...