#1 Therapist Exposes 5 Manipulation Tactics Men Use to Control Women | Terri Cole
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- Опубліковано 6 лют 2025
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On Today's Episode:
There is something both sobering and chilling about being manipulated, especially by someone close to you. The feeling of betrayal and pain can leave you untrusting of everyone after that, and the emotional aftermath can lead to years of therapy or unhealthy behaviors.
If you’re a ‘Yes’ to any of these, this episode is a must for you:
Have fallen for people’s fake concern at the expense of invalidating yourself
Felt suffocated by the weight of someone’s constant complaining
Started questioning your version of reality because you were being gaslit
The Boundary Boss and one of our favorite homies on Women of Impact, Terri Cole, is back for another round and this time she’s unpacking everything you need to never be tricked by manipulative people again! They want to get their way no matter what at your expense, and it’s your job to recognize it and put an end to it with the right boundaries in place.
Terri Cole is a licensed therapist and bestselling author who helps women like you break the cycle of living without boundaries. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your past is, everyone deserves and needs boundaries to create and maintain healthy relationships.
If you’re walking on eggshells at home, it’s time to sit up straight and pay attention.
Check out Terri’s new book, Boundary Boss: www.amazon.com...
QUOTES:
“There is something about having the patients to let the proof be in people’s behaviors and not just their words.” - Terri Cole
“I don’t want to start cutting off parts of myself to appease your wounds. You’re bleeding all over me but I didn’t cut you.” - Terri Cole
“If we have evidence that the person we’re talking about has no capacity for self reflection, no interest in taking responsibility for what is their side of the street, that is someone who in my book is truly toxic.” - Terri Cole
“Ego is a story of us very much grounded in our lived experiences…” -Nicole LePera
“What feels like disproportionate reactions actually aren’t disproportionate. They are safety making mechanisms.” -Nicole LePera
“So many of us grew up as an extension of our parents.” -Nicole LePera
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Follow Nicole LePera:
Website: theholisticpsy...
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WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
Oh man, I thought I was going to be on the show!🥳
Good to know,
@@rogersam1294 l) III kilo ul
@@rogersam1294 ppppp
@@rogersam1294 pp
When you a mentally strong....you callout the behavior...if it persists....cut that person loose. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect.
@Joan Arc Respect is earned. Civility is owed. The black inner-city crowd mainstreamed a corrupted language usage.
100% I just recently had to cut someone loose whom I never really felt was genuinely concerned for me. After excusing her behavior and ignoring the red flags many times I was finally able to muster the courage to block her as a contact!!
@DEVINE HOPE FOUNDATION Wow....that's pretty harsh unless they were serial killers, malignant narcissistics, extremely mentally and emotionally abusive, then I get it 100%!!! All the therapist's suggestions can be taken to the extreme!!! Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak!! Every family unit has issues! Every relationship has areas they need to work on!
I think our instincts and watching what people say and not what they do are the very best indicators to be aware of when accessing a relationship's quality and substance!!
Just be mindful, that's all!😊
7 years, 4 months. I’m trying to get my kid and I out. Just got a job third shots at a convenience store.
@@m2pozadwhere was black mentioned? I don’t see crayola anywhere…
If he breeds confusion in the relationship, that's the sign to go. A good man leaves no room for confusion. Period!
If he breeds confusion in your relationship, that's a sign to go. A GOOD MAN leaves no room for confusion. Period. No more questions......
Yes, said perfectly. Confusion = Exhaustion= RUN
Same goes for friends and relatives. 😢
@@cc1k435Yes, indeed! I had to do it to protect my soul energy
Yup. Confused people, confuse people.
"Let's not be so afraid of rejection, that our bar is set so low for other people's behavior"🙌♥️
❤
Amen!!! ❤
Worthy goal JenJen
Rejection can be a protection!
Amen ❤❤❤❤❤
This is SOOO TRUE: don’t listen to what they say - look what they do. Empaths need to be taught that at school- to always observe actions before trusting anyone and letting them into your life. Empaths tend to justify too much others’ malicious actions.
🙋🏻♀️
Well said and I totally agree.
💯 👏🏻
Agreed
💯💯 ooh, the justifying..
Letting them get away with things, we know very well, we would never even attempt..
I was told by my Priest to be nice to him, be patient with them. Once you experience their cruel and sadistic abuse, you will NEVER JUSTIFY THEIR ABUSE!!!!
I understand why my Priest advised this, he didn’t know what my manager was doing to me. Passive, demeaning aggression, jealousy, rages, mind control. So be careful with the advice you are given. Jesus experienced this abuse from the Pharisees, he understood it all, and he picked up his tools and moved on. So must we in order to survive with our sanity intact. Don’t make excuses for these horrible demonic entities. Be quiet and leave. No career is worth coddling them or allowing them to bash your brains in on a daily basis. Because your brain will shut down eventually and die.
I set a calming alarm every day at 2pm, in order to place my hand over my heart to let myself know I am loved, I am safe, I bring value. I silently check in with myself, see areas that are feeling "off", and reflect on what is causing that, and once I find what that is, I work on it in a compassionate way.
This is a good idea. I’ll give this a try.
Good idea 💡 👏 ❤
I started to say in response to anyone saying to me "it was a joke" because i do have a sensitivity to teasing and this was after a long time. I said, "make your jokes funny then."
I like this!
Thatsa good one!
"it's a joke"
This prissy ass is so hilarious, it makes me cry at times (I need water faucet control) It takes ALL the pain, stacked up and pushing so hard you crumble, NOTHING holds back the tears. In 40+ years I became so complicit by holding it all in. Until I couldn't, when he proclaimed he was creating a mental health trail against me. I never saw any therapist until I met HIM. He did not blame me for anything the first 20 years, it was ALL blamed on my ex-husband (he was my fault,too, though, my fault he was in my two boys life. Forever.) So complicated, the webs he weaves.....
I would answer. Jesus did not joke.
Most people don't have the gift of humor. It's just putting people down.
But as you know, you can’t talk things out with a narcissist. Because in order to talk things out, you need to share your feelings. When you share your feelings with a narcissist, you’re doomed.
RUN instead.
How do you run from your own adult daughter? I’ve been really struggling with this.
Gray rocking works
@@caroleminke6116love it never heard about until I googled it thank you !
This is so true
@@judymurray191Yes agreed, you just can’t, the judging from others that don’t know of narcissistic types can make you feel like the ‘bad guy’ plus it feels like you’re turning your back on a child. I guess at best you can really learn these tactics in the video and see the manipulation attempts and don’t bite, I’ve found living like this very tiring though and when you’re weak from life and other things it gets difficult.
I talked myself out of my gut feelings so often in my life and now at the ripe age of almost 47, I am over it! There are alot of people I will have nothing to do with or be around. I have two relatives that when I am around them, my body tenses and I no longer feel comfortable, and I have to leave the premises. And guess what? I do! I leave immediately. I do not go to another part of the location, I just leave!
God Bless you! 🎉❤ I'm 63 and I still get caught up in the dysfunction. BUT! 😅 I am learning and getting better! Thank you Lisa Bilyeu and Terri Cole. If I ever needed to see a 'Women of Impact' program; it most certainly is THIS one! Thank you So Much and continued Blessings to you for the caring lessons that you share!
I can relate to this so much! There are family members that I also don't feel comfortable around and I just don't show up to events when they are there, and I am the bad guy! They don't remember the trauma they caused me when I was a small child and they were supposed to be responsible adults.
Yes!!! 🙌🏼💯💯💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻🔥🔥🔥
Same
@@alexismerrilldragonqueen They remember very well they just oretend not to.
They allready showed you thst they are toxic by abusing you make you traumatised.
Toxic people never take resposability for any of the sh💩t they do and talk...
They just go one to gadlighting you - good that you see thru.
They remember - they just don't care - never forget thst and never leth them near xou again - they never change.
I love how Lisa allows her guests to fully speak without cutting them off. Well done.
9:18 agree!
Manipulation tactics give us a chance to learn integrity and inner strength.
love that. really love that. thank you.
Tks that helps
Yes, when we realize that it’s all about us, this is freedom. Once we learn enough about ourselves and stop blaming others, we do not allow others to manipulate us any longer bc we learn why we allowed it in the first place.
A friend told me I was using manipulation tactics. But, I didn't understand what she meant till now. I have learned behaviors that are manipulative. I give, and give, taking care of someone, thinking they will come around and see how much I love by taking care of all their needs so they become dependent on me. The funny thing is, it is exhausting, and I am just looking for validation. Don't even like the man that much. Just been trained since childhood. Taking care of people that I don't even like that much... Yikes!! 😂😢🎉❤
You just told my story. I'm the exact same way. Or should say, I was.
Good for you for acknowledging this.
IMO the strings attached, covert contracts, tactics used for generations, trickled down from parents to children, and often succesfully used by people being in a power imbalance holding the short end of the stick but in roundabout ways wield power covertly.
For example guilt tripping, I bet it is so widely spread because it often works, no one wants to be seen/thought of as that selfish uncaring bad person.
I like your insight into helping to get validation. And that you recognize it. A person could go their whole life and not figure that out. Good for you.
Be careful, a narcissist also tells their victims that they are “using manipulation tactics.” Be sure that your friend is legit before you assume it is you. Yes, it is possible to mirror traits, but think about it, who doesn’t want to be appreciated. You actually have to eliminate any possible narcissist in your life to heal to see this.
Yes, a friend’s narcissistic mother and sister used to tell her she was manipulative and selfish, and she believed them. She even started believing that she was a narcissist.
Abusers steal your innocence and drain your life source. This causes so much stress on people and leads health issues. Guard your heart and immediately speak up. Don’t shrink back and ignore. It will bore a hole in your soul. Stand up and leave. The struggle you take now will save your life and soul later. Never stay with someone who does not respect your boundaries, space and beliefs.
I’m trying to heal and move on from a 35 year abusive marriage. He died a year ago and his legacy is still painful. I remind myself daily that I’m free from lies, deceptions, public humiliation, cheating, stealing and chaos. Life is good
Prayers to you in your healing process. You've got this!
@@ashleyc3307 thank you, so kind!
You are free now be the best you you can be love
That's a long time to be abused. I hope his legacy goes away for you. I wish you the best. Try to find Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It's a good read that helps explain how children of emotionally immature people can be hurt, but I think it also has implication for anybody who causes hurt in such terrible ways. It helped me understand a lot.
You are free now to live your life,be guppy and maybe find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be love. x
I recently have been on a course for women who suffered domestic abuse. And while I appreciate all this childhood trauma creates our current psychological challenges stuff I have to say recently my perspective has shifted.
We all know what behaviour is wrong, and it’s not trauma that makes people abusive. It’s lack of respect, they feel we are inferior to them. They don’t treat their boss, or mother or brother that way. Just the select few. They can also turn it off if someone else turns up to witness it.
Abusive people make excuses for their behaviour, and trauma is often one of them.
Most people with difficult pasts wouldn’t ever want anyone else to suffer how they did, myself included. I don’t use my past to justify current behaviour.
Abuse is a choice.
For anyone interested in taking the course it the Freedom course. It is run by many domestic abuse charities. If you can’t find a course near you there is a book based on the course, Living with a Dominator by Pat Craven.
💯 this isn’t said enough
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Right on! That is why the phrase 'hurt people, hurt people is totally wrong
I don’t agree- if you grew up in abuse- it becomes your norm.
This is not excusing behavior that is egregious- however “right” and “wrong” is never as clear cut as we would think.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💯True that! Exactly, abusive folks barely admit to their pasts, when CAUGHT as you have described, they will USE their childhood trauma as a crutch otherwise their past is off limits to speak about
This was so good. Thank you!
In my last relationship, I told him that I have a bad memory in the beginning stages. He completely use that as a tagline for gaslighting later in the relationship. When he was in gaslight mode he would start by saying “I know you have a bad memory, so you probably don’t remember” or he would reframe incidents so that I was the issue.
After nine months of this, I ended the relationship and ran.
WHY do u have a bad memory?????
You have the POWER to achieve anything GREAT NOW- you can have an amazing memory and your life will be SO easy.
* get more sleep
* drink more water
* eat less sugar
* eat more greens
* sleep and diet very IMPORTANT
* use it- learn a language, read out loud, do word search, puzzles, Sums,
Yes they totally weaponise anything you've ever shared with them. Opportunists at work 24/7.
@@Sketchbook9999Unless you've studied commenters medical records / brainscans, you are stating your opinion as fact on a subject you do not have sufficient knowledge of to do so
✌️
@@Sketchbook9999 I think you mean well, but it wasn't a confession of having a chronically bad memory. Her ex was obnoxiously reminding her of it over and over again.
Very true! What about his faults???
“You don’t have to throw yourself on fire to keep others warm!” 🎤💥
My abuser manipulated me to feel worse about myself then became the hug/comfort to make me feel better. It was a vicious cycle until I entered group counseling and learned what abuse looks like and finally got free of them.
😢Been there! So incidious
Empaths use Positive Projection: 13:56 That just blew my mind! I have been doing this my whole life and still to this day! No more! I will assign positive qualities to people when they perform those positive qualities!
I will be starting a gut instinct / red flag / positive and negative projection / gaslighting / what is that emotion? diary. I have never been inspired to do so because I could never fine tune exactly what I should write about.
Yes! That explains so much about my problematic roles in my relationships with "unhealthy" people. I always gave the benefit of the doubt no matter what off the wall things they say and do. I know what I see and hear but shut up gut, they have problems and it's somehow excusable. I am working on changing my thought patterns about these "unhealthy" people.
So hard not to!!!
This is all fire. We have to start by NOT being afraid to walk alone for awhile. People will try to intimidate your stance by suggesting that if you don’t stand a certain way, you will be alone forever. Decide what is most important to you and then STAND solid in that space. It’s hard but YOU have to get it clear with YOURSELF.
Narcissists put curses on you all the time. Say I am not gonna stay single unless G-d wants me to, in the Name of Jesus. I am not like he/she says I am in the Name of Jesus. Or when he/she ironically says: "Go ahead like you're doing and we'll see what will happen to you." Yes, in the Name of Jesus I will continue on the right path and have eternal life in Heaven in the Name of Jesus!! And I will live here on Earth as well G-d willing. Amen
Sooo true 🙌🏼💯💯 Agree. Faux Concern is: Gaslighting, Triangulation AND Blameshifting. That is straight on manipulation.
@tlove Well said...🎯
All in one word……. Narcissism!
Narcissist never apologize! Tell them -no!
Add on the Word Salad Never Answering your Questions! !!
This sounds like 123
@@jennyferguson5583so very true !!
Self awareness is the best thing since sliced bread!
If they have a need to 'tell you' they are honest, highly intelligent, a gentleman or the nicest man walking the face of the earth, they are none of those things. I learned the hard way...twice!
Full story please.
Because I am need it.
Because I am sharing many dark things happening in my childhood.
It's so scary
The abusers create the bad situation that puts in depression or confusion, then, they turn around and say to you and others (triangulation) that they are concerned about you. Very common behavior.
Yup happened to me. Divorced.
He had me doubting my own Self worth! It pissed me off. Me a woman of 54 years old who has rebuilt herself several times From the ground up! I have been self sustaining for 14 years and raised two son’s nearly on my own! You could say I dropped nuts twice! Give me a Fuqing break!
This is a God send. I found this by accident... not an accident. I am committed to return to peace and calm. ❤
Holy F! the "selective memory"/gaslighting/false accusations and straight up lies to the point you're forced to record conversations is exactly what happened to me...couldve been an easy "Hey I'm really sorry I hurt you and put you through this, what can I do to make up for it and build our trust again?" (and actually adhere to it...) I took that recording to my therapist to analyze and she gave me the big ol sheet on gaslighting 101
I wish I did that in my situation... he started using the fake concern shit toob
@@eboni1346 yup, it’s crazy how many fake (half)apologies, fake humility, fake everything inc the I love and care about you bs ... then why would you do the shitty things in the first place, repeatedly? Say sorry and repeat abuse
Same 😮
I took the black on white evidence to the narc/psychopath and they blatantly lied and denied. - I didn’t even know about these personality disorders/traits at the time but I sure learned a lot because of them. Still had a few more of these relationships after unfortunately. This last one I’m thankful to have noticed it before too long and ended it. No contact.
@ArghMatey I love your comment! Yes, a normal person feels bad when they've hurt you, and they apologize (genuinely) and never do it again. But a manipulator/narcissist actually ENJOYS hurting you, and they ENJOY your confusion when they gaslight you. It's taken me decades and decades to learn that anger and defensiveness are not normal when confronted with hurtful behavior. What is normal is care and concern, and not doing the hurtful behavior again.
When you start hearing “ I didn’t say that, I didn’t do that and they start giving less and less positive love. Then if you say something they get mad and hold back their affection.
It’s crazy how many things we aren't aware of when it comes people. Why isn’t anyone talking about the book Mareska Manipulation? It really opens your eyes. A lot of successful people mention it
Lisa, I think you did a great thing by speaking up for your family member who was called "Ugly". That could have been the first time anyone spoke up for her and even though she didn't support you in doing that, you never know the impact it might have down the road. In abusive relationships, just having one person who sides with you and speaks out against the abuse can make a huge difference. Way to go, girl! That was so strong and brave of you! 100% you did the right thing!
Hi Karen, how's your day going with you?
I agree @Karen, at least she put it out there for them to do with it what they would, and she backed off when the person clarified their feelings. And the example of the lady calling her grandkid “bad”, I wonder how he turned out if that narrative kept getting reinforced. Not always, but I just see that too often the “bad” kid lives down to that expectation.
I agree, however in my family group we would say to the one being verbally abused, "Are you going to let them talk to you that way" lol 😂
This lady, Terri Cole , is brilliant and also logical!! I just fell in love with her mindset! First time watching her. She is the real deal and if we heed her advice will save us from alot of heartbreak. Thank you Lisa for hosting such@ awesome guest
Not to mention, she’s beautiful too! Stunning.
@@wisdomdantecourt8179Yes! She is very beautiful. I thought both guests were extremely uniquely gorgeous.
My sisters did this fake concern when I called them out on their behavior. They constantly walk through life spewing lies and hate to cause problems in peoples life. It’s absolutely their favorite hobby.
Sisters? Plural?! I have a (1) narcisistic sister and one is enough HELL and trauma, I send you all the love and patience!!
"I feel like I have to record our conversations" I literally said this to my exhusband so manytimes. 😅 One of the million red flags.
I’ve known a lot of faux people . These personalities are so disgusting. I’ve been down this path where people have tried to make me look unstable when I wasn’t it’s about understanding their behaviour s and and watching them repeat them . I love Terri Cole her knowledge is so wise . I’m not as easily provoked anymore because I know narcissistic people create situations to provoke positive happy people to make you angry . Understanding their behaviour s is healthy which creates safety.
'Realize YOU have a choice! You don't have to put up with people with Bad behavior, You Can Opt Out!' ..This certainly resonated with me.
I sure did 😊
Allow yourself to protect yourself
😮 emotionally unavailable...that hit me.
This is gold.
People who operate outside of societal and cultural norms without a moral compass, where honesty is seen as contingent on whether it promotes self interest, where others are seen as pawns objects or possessions - these dark souls are thankfully quite rare in my 45 years of life experience.
But you will certainly encounter them and it's best to be prepared.
Oh know, it's not rare...quite the opposite . Most people do things out of self-interest not for the whole. It's rare to find someone actually doing something or saying something with no return in sight.
Bread crumming = chumming in fishing. Chumming and teasing the fish with bits and peaces of bait to see if the firsh will take the bait. Bread crumming is what you do to birdies... etc. LOVE THIS DISCUSSION ... MAKING ME THINK AND WAKIE WAKIE.
My ex spouse did this all the time, he made himself unapproachable by biting my head off and STRAIGHT UP lied and used manipulation and gaslighting trying to get me to do allllll tasks around our home, would bring me to the point of tears and then blame me. He could sell snow to an Eskimo, gossiped about me behind my back to my friends, spinning the narrative that I was manic, bi polar, depressed… leaving out the part that he caused it all… I was a trusting soul, he destroyed my soul for sport, did I mention that he took out double insurance policy on me behind my back? All of it soul shattering, I pray for all unsuspecting victims of these parasites
Hang in there, we all learn from the things that we suffer, which makes us better ;)
💕🙏🏻💕
My husband does me the exact way. I can hear him talking to someone when I'm taking a shower or a lot of times when he's outside. I know I'm not "hearing voices in my head", but that's what he tells me & everyone else. He constantly acts like he's hiding something & has his phone locked up like ft Knox. Says its because I've put Spyware on his phone. Which o haven't. Have no clue how to even begin to do that. He probably has it on mine. Always accuses me of cheating or talking to someone on my phone. He has full access to mine of course. My mom just passed away from altzheimers & I was her caregiver. Instead of being supportive he made it all about him. Saying I was constantly being mean to him & lashing out on him when it was him just flashing out on me over the smallest of things. He made my mothers passing so much harder than it already was. I've still not been able to grieve. I was her caregiver for 8 years. Between that & him acting this way. It's just treating me apart, but I'm not allowed to show it
@@sonyaspratlin891 omgosh, girl, this will be hard to hear, you must leave him, he’s a narcissist who’s cheating on you, probably a sociopath too. Girl that’s gaslighting, lack of empathy, more than likely a covert psychopath as well! Most if not all, follow the same script. Mine did those exact same things and was cheating, they accuse you of what they do/ are, there will never be any support over your moms passing. Btw my condolences and am sorry for your pain, here’s a virtual 🤗. You cannot live your life in pain, sorrow & regret. Take back your power & leave. I refused to waste one more second of my life w/ that empty soul crushing flesh sack, it’s hard, you can do it!
He took out a double insurance policy???? Be careful.
I do think this can happen as a prep tactic to tear self-esteem down too. I have a coworker who’s told me to my face that they want to take my position, and she likes to come with fake concerns over things I have not brought up to her or that I’m not upset about. My response to her is “Are YOU OK? Because this concern wasn’t on my radar, so the fact that you’re bringing it up
… 🤔 Are you bringing it up because there’s really an issue in YOUR life that you’re trying to tell me you wwant to talk about ?.. I’m cool, I didn’t have anything I was complaining about to start with.” This usually shuts her up because she knows she can’t come to me with this tactic”.
Good for you, man! Bravo! I hate these manipulations... I used to be so trusting, but I realized that I have to be careful who I trust.
I am soo glad you cut her crap lose
Yeah, turn the table. Well done!
Love bombing, gaslighting, devaluation, discard, hoovering . It's a narcissistic abusive manipulation strategy for narcissistic supply. The options are 'grey rock' or no contact.
Standard. They are incapable of changing, unfortunately, because they will never take accountability or responsibility for their own actions, with false apologies and hoovering , gaslighting tactics. Therefore, they live in self-denial and their own deluded world and are incapable of changing. Facts 💯
I had a sibling in my life like this. Keep your guard up because these types plot against you. Keep a journal/receipts (save emails, texts anything). I'd even go as far as raising a concern with your boss or confiding in them on how uncomfortable this person makes you feel as to leave a trace or a pattern of behavior. This co worker might be working on somone else too.
Worse case scenario; for anyone reading in a similar or worse situation: keep your resume fresh, pay bills ahead & make sure your savings are on point. When a toxic person targets you at work and it can't get resolved it affects your mental health. Get out while you can. If you can't stand your ground because either way it will be a battle.
As we grow older we only need our own validation. You two are still young this is why you need validation from the general public. Celebrities are the most insecure people on the planet.
My mother is happy when my life falls apart.
If I am happy, life is good, she says that won't last, that won't work, why are you bothering? I have a life to live, gets grumpy, deflats the joy out !!!!!!!
If she was a cat, she be purring
I love what is said in this video about exposure to chronic complainers. It's so annoying when they justify it by claiming they're pointing out "reality". Life cannot be viewed in a balanced way unless we take off both our negative and our positive eye-glasses. As pointed out, perpetual negativity is the lazy person's way. And it leaves out the heart of things. Seeing and understanding what's going on is the relatively easy part, but handling it - our response to it - I find immensely difficult!
Having flashback to 10-12 years ago and I can see how not taking the bait and reacting with emotion
.taking it personal..learning detachment was key. Healing takes time. Celebrate the baby steps and you will get to ultimate peace!
Faux concern, I’ve definitely had friends and partners do this to me. I’ve had this work well on me in the past, but thank goodness I’m stronger now. It’s that triangulation with another person, because you feel ganged up on. My sister does this to her partner and it breaks my heart.
The experts on your show are superb. Truly insightful and illuminating.
Triggers - when I can finally see them FIRST - before I react or respond are a gift to understanding and letting go
My ex stalks me under the guise "I'm worried about you". Trying to solve a problem when I was with him was Imposible. He would say, "Why have you not prayed with me and asked for God's blessing?". When that didn't work there would be a tantrum. When we split up he called my friends and said he was worried about me and painting a picture that made me seem crazy. They would call and say, " are you ok?". I was fine and had to let them know.
It's called fly monkeys the friends showing fake concern sounds like he was a full blown narcassist sorry you went through that
She’s enormously helpful. Thank you for having her on.
My STBX husband didn't want me working at all. Wanted my whole attention to be on him the house and the kids. Somehow persudading me out of going out to work (appareantly it made him look like a bad provider) and not liking me earning my own money, was turned into me refusing to go out to work. I utilised the resources at my disposal to start my own small business and bring in some extra money and he would still complain when I spent anything on myself. When I had work to do in the evenings and the weekends it would be spun into me ignoring him and the kids.
When we first moved he promised he would put what we were no longer spending on rent and put it into savings for our retirement but all I got was excuses. Then he turned round to try to claim he never agreed to that, that it was his money and I had no right to it or even know what the financial situation was.
The manipulation, controlling behaviour, emotional neglect and lies were why I didn't beg him to stay. The other reason is that in 2018 I caught him filing divorce papers in my name to make it look like I was divorcing him. I didn't want one and he said he didn't either, but still tried to dump the decision in my lap. I was grieving for my father that I lost in 2017 and was very close to, but he refused to let me be open about my greif to anyone but him, and he didn't want to listen to me. I had to 'at least pretend to be happy'. This led do me ending up on sertraline. I also told him that if he tried pulling something like that again I would let him go. It came out of the blue then. He used the 'fixing' to make out that I was the problem in the relationship because I wouldn't put up with being live in maid and nanny and having no time to myself. When I rasied an issue it would become my fault and he actively.
When he did his discard in October he was actually shocked that I stood by what I said and let him go, and I was in the wrong for not fighting to keep him. Done being his doormat.
I'm an empath but have learned to trust no one.
That's how I've been feeling 😢
Me too.
I love this guest…she is rife with wisdom. Thank you for hosting her so well, Lisa.💗
Am a guy and am screaming through out the whole show. I wish I have seen this a very long time ago. She hits everything ❤❤❤
so glad she said what she said about the word toxic, it is simply overused and misused frequently.
Thank you so much Terri for having the courage to call out the stigma attached to women and the roles and expectations imposed on them by various groups in their lives. Men generally do not ask for permission to do certain things. They just act. I love your metaphor of: "Are you the woman who wants to light yourself afire to keep others warm?" So powerful, so precise in its message.
Omg this episode hit home. I am happily divorced almost 2 years now after being married for 30 years to a selfish narcissistic master manipulator. I’m a people pleaser and always try to find the good in everyone I meet. However I was blind to this for many years. I was happy to care for three children while working full time. But after years of putting up with this and making excuses to family and friends - and mostly to myself- my kids came to me for an intervention on how their own father was killing me and making everyone miserable. That he had to go. They scattered as soon as he walked into the room. He got heavily involved with drugs, lost his business. I sent him to rehab, we did family and couples counseling and every time he lied straight to myself that he was clean and I kept believing he changed. It wasn’t until my kids said mom you deserve better. They said a stranger on the street would treat me better. After some deep soul searching and realizing I deserved much better I filed for divorce. Very long story short … I am free and happy and have kept only a handful of closest friends in my circle and there’s no looking back 🙏🏻
It feels so good to straighten out and simply be honest with others. Saves you being hurt, manipulated, and angry.
I know about breadcrumbing and crapfitting. So I have radically accepted this 😅the truth will set you free. ❤
I needed to hear this. I am in the exact situation she talked about. She confirmed the need for me to walk away, this time it will be for good.
You choose terrific guests. Thank you for the quality programming and well qualified terrific guests.
Hi Jody, how's your day going with you?
I pray you had the strength to get away from the situation. Remember when you release the crap, it makes room for the good shit to come into your life.
YES with the narcissists. I have to only watch this in bits. I'm still reliving a lot of these things even through therapy and STILL have trouble from the effects of these tactics. I didn't second guess myself constantly before amongst other effects. I WANT to listen to all of it for sure but I have to pause it at times. SOOOO. SPOT. ON. SO on point that ........... omggggggg, yes yes yes! Good to know yet queasy at the same time with the level of accuracy being discussed from the VERY BEGINNING of this interview!
lisa is a precise questioning assassin! but the questions she asks are helpful and caring and empathetic. Thank you for gift Lisa :)
Unhealthy behavior is going out of fashion these days!
Worked for the manipulaters since the beginning of.time .
Was raised by one it knew the person was not honest and all good as a narcissist ends up as a result of being raised by one.
I did not let them oppress me at their leisure.
Could not wait to turn eighteen and end the abuse. Did and my dad said if I came back things would be different. Thank Goodness for the stable parent who had my back and loved me on spite of myself.
He knew before but had to act on it or lose daughter for good! On his deathbed he told me more than enough!
Breaks my heart that he had to die the way he did.
If you have anybody in your life who really knows how to love unconditionally hang onto them and disregard the rest. Sounds harsh but my brother said profoundly , " I am not going to give them my energy".
I will never forget this golden nugget of wisdom.
The book ‘the body keeps the score’ so true how body holds trauma.. podcast of the book on you tube! Nervous system and brain connected deeply..
I was in a relationship for 15 yrs where he kept accusing me of saying and doing things or agreeing to things that I never said did or agreed to. Looking back I can see how these tactics were absolutely insidious and so gradual that I didn't even reliaze what was happening to me!! And the more you try and fix things and except blame where there is none the more you lose yourself! Eventually you don't even trust your own thoughts or beliefs as they make you question everything!! On the outside everyone thought he was a nice guy which made it even harder for me to trust what I was feeling.
Eventually I got out but still have trust issues after 4 yrs of being away from him.
I have never heard the term gaslighting until lately as we're hearing it all the time now. So I had no reference as to what was happening to me.
Just so grateful to be out of that toxicity!!!!
Yes expressing yourself through through fashion is your right expressing who you are is your right .
My goodness I just had this today it was crazy. I had been asking for an assurance he would stop being cruel, but he claimed not to know what he did was wrong. It been a week and today he said he had already given the assurance, it's a lie but I still checked myself before telling him he was lying. I left then he rang and launched a barrage of attacks against me, so I asked him a question. He kept introducing new topics I just kept referring him back to my question. I asked him to explain his opinion because we differed, and he wanted to hear me first so I complied. But in the end he never explained himself, so I refused to continue the conversation. I called him out using for word salad to try and confuse me, and yet again insisted on the assurance that I originally requested before I could engage with him again.
Frankly he's at the point of no return once seen I can't unsee, and it's incredibly selfish and unhealthy towards me. After 35 years I think for my own sanity I have to walk away, it's taken a huge toll on me. Now I get triggered, have disregulation and everyday is struggle, there is no joy in my life. I hate the person I have become, and can't see any other way but to divorce.
I always felt that the gifts, vacations and flattery were a means to get something out of me in the future. I feel validated now! Thank you!
i was trigger by an old memory of the past. i was looking at a picture and it took my back to the time my husband disrespected me in front of his family and he was verbally and emotionally abusive and im just realizing I have been traumatized by him and his family and people from my church and bestfriend of 30 years! It was my fault for being passive aggressive and scared to upset any one. I was left uncover and left to fight for myself. 😢 now 25 years of marriage and now im mad as hell! mad at myself for being so over religious and not protecting myself, i covered up my husband bad behavior 😢
Thanks so much for this conversation! I am a positive projector who always forgets how people can be mean... Right now I am dealing with a man who has been manipulated by his ex-partner, and I have noticed that he started manipulating me. The problem is I know him from before and seeing him now completely deconstructed scares me, and I don't know what to do - shall I involve as a friend and help him, or just erase him from my life?! He has already hurt me, and I feel... my guts are telling me he's a danger!
Run! It's not your job as said in the interview.
🎉Lisa, You were RIGHT on standing up! No one should call another ugly. Congrats on Speaking UP. That relative should be proud you STOOD UP for them regardless!
13:30 "It's creepy that you have everything written" DUH
It's even more creepy that they try to imply I don't remember what happened and convince me that it's a rule.. When it's they who don't remember: the conversations, the promises, conclusions... ever. What is clearly shown in their behavior and attitude ("nothing's gonna change again" - when it's THEY who need to take care of the change).
Wow, this woman Terri Cole is blowing me away with her wisdom! So happy I found her!
No one can manipulate you unless you give them credit more tjan you gibe to yourself. No manipulation can occur when there is symmetry in the relationship.
Learned that the hard way but your right
This is so key - do they take us aside to address the faux concern at an appropriate time? Or does it only come up to deflect or distract from a negative we have brought up about them. So so so so so key!
1. Faux concern!😮 " Im worried about you." Distractionn and Manipuplation.
Write it down!! I’m big on journaling yet didn’t do it during my last relationship and I think it took me longer to see a pattern of behaviour but it was very eye-opening when I noticed that I was being triggered multiple times. Whether it was deliberate or not I’ll never know but I believe it was and I’m learning to trust my gut. Great show, thank you.
Definitely deliberate. They know exactly what they’re doing. That’s the scary thing.
I am very fortunate that I was able to work in an environment where I had my own office at work. I have heard some horrendous stories on how people are treated by their colleagues in a combined office environment. I ghost people who are toxic. I don’t muck around. I had parents who pushed me around and controlling siblings, my own daughter is a very nasty person. I ghosted them all. I don’t forgive anyone either and I don’t take people back into my circle if they hurt me. I find with forgiveness it opens the gate back up for them to think everything is ok. They misinterpret forgiveness, forgiveness means here is your shit that you dumped on me. I don’t want it, now take it with you and go. I ghost people for life and I don’t give people a second chance.
Hi Dianne, how's your day going with you?
Thanks for the thumbs up, how are you spending your spare time?
I´ve just found Terri Cole out, and I love her! The voice is so soothing, it´s a pleasure listening to her and the clarity she has to explain things, chapeau! =)
16 mins in and 😅 I currently feel sick, my gut is yelling at me. 😅 Appreciating the example of the bushing under the rug am reflecting on! Working towards listening to my gut and follow through.
When we first met he told me from the beginning he’s a “mess” Bd that he had 7 kids ranging from age 22 to 10. So then I thought to my self, clearly he has a problem not learning the lesson from previous relationships. But I still had hope as he said he was a believer in Christ. As time went on his fruits were not matching his words.
I would have ran from the first convo about 7 children. You wonder why he didn’t marry any of them? It Just sounds like he’s irresponsible & lacking common sense!
Marry any of the children’s mothers*
This lady has clarity
This is describing the toxic women that I’ve dated. It’s so true they do this!
When I was Eighteen the scourge of Herpes Two and Aids dropped out of nowhere.
Trust was a must and I told my boyfriend at the time no sex is worth dying over!
Do not play on me behind my back do not confess to me later and expect forgiveness , you do not want me to find out through the "grapevine" either. If you see a woman that you really got to have let me know and I will go and maybe even wait for you on the sidelines in the event you realize you were mistaken.
There will have to be a total check up with the doctor before you would ever get that second chance.
There is no way that I would accept him hanging out with a
"Concern Trolling" and triangulation shit me no end. Thank you for addressing it!
She did passive aggressiveness she said I’m concerned you’re behavior towards that situation reminded me of my mother…….. Wow God is amazing ❤I love how he use’s people to make sense and to bring clarity
My ex did the same.. The moment I would raise issue over lack of communication or his absence, he would gaslight me saying, I was overthinking and how he used to overthink when he has lots of free time.. Meanwhile he was dating his colleague behind my back..Later releasing pics and videos of them going on dates ..
Oh yea, I forgot about the over thinking accusation. Your too sensitive is another one.
@@maggiesmith6013 wow yes!
9:30, I needed to hear this. It’s not my fault for being empathetic or people pleasing, but I CAN take ownership of it and know when it’s for good and for bad (vice). I’ve been shown red flags that I’ve ignored, I trust bad behavior time & time again, I feel drained. I was raised to accept it as normal but it’s not, I won’t continue to try hard for unhealthy relationships. They make me doubt myself, my worth, my emotions, exploit my vulnerabilities and I keep coming back like a sad puppy. No more control, I’m done. I feel like everything said can be applied, I’m not blind anymore. Positive projection, wow… the most tangible advice I’ve heard. Discernment and patience are how I want my future relationships to develop, I will take notice and honor myself.
02:33:00 God bless you for this whole episode Lisa, you literally just saved my life.🙏🏻
It's scary how we can subconsciously become addicted to our own traumas, and keep choosing exactly what we lacked growing up 😮 I'm grateful for these eye-openers
Your are fantastic! Thank you! Yeah, i have learned to NOT GIVE people the reactions that they are looking for… I play it really cool and unbothered. It also shows Mastery of Self and Emotions and allows you to collect further information to figure out the WHY. Or just move away from it.
That is such a powerful and clear exposure of the concept of walking on eggshells, and its causes. Thank you for introducing tools to counteract this behaviour.
the following your gut feeling is a big one, I was seeking a procedure and took a friend the first time I met this doctor provider they immediately did not like how I showed up to the appointment calm, able to describe my issue very on point without fear, they listened to me but I felt they felt annoyed or insulted by the fact I was calm told them this is the issue rather then fawning and going "I don't know doctor! I'm having pain here and I'm scared!" and they instead tried to toss me into that fearful energy by performing passive aggressive pop quiz with trade lingo I recognized it was a jab I did semi take the bait but did not move beyond, "What?" allowing him the time to "educate me" on something cuz he needed to be the big man in the room. I had a feeling he wasn't trustworthy at all but at the time I needed to rebook another appointment with him.
So this is why on the revisit I bought a friend thinking numbers would calm his ego down it didn't I was a bit nervous but calm until he started to insult me to my friend who told this provider they had come with me due to my anxiety which was very well controlled but once this friend said that his eyes lit up and he's like "Oh gotcha!" this is a medical provider! So he got my friend to confess for me that I tend to fuss over all the tiny details when I'm scared which can happen but not today & he goes "Your such a saint for putting up with (me)" and mind you this provider I have to pay out of pocket for so that's when I knew this person wasn't for me.
See the procedure he wanted to do I got re-evaluated by a calmer non-asshole provider and they said the technique this asshole provider wanted to charge me thousands for would've harmed me to do it his way! So the asshole provider wasn't even going to do the job correctly!
I LOVE TERRI! ❤ How she explains make so much sense and easy to understand, learning so much from Terri and Lisa. Thank you
1:27:07 giving is love (bc God is Love- this is just me inserting TRUTH.) over giving is dysfunctional, and to add to that , over giving the wrong thing and not having your emotional needs meet after you’ve spoke to whomever and the over giving that you don’t need or even ask for and under giving what you’re asking for is dysfunctional, and dismissive.
Oh, I really love this interview and listened to it while driving to work. And I laughed out loud when Terri gave her example of responding to the religious manipulation. 😂 It is so perfectly strong and politely polished at the same time to shush them like: 😶. This I will defenotely use with my family. Again great interview and thank you both so much! ❤
This was so f'n solid, thank you for this post x100000000000!!!!
Terri Cole is an amazingly astute therapist. Really enjoyed learning from her. Thanks Lisa!
Also, I have never heard of faux concern, but I am glad to hear about it now.
Toxic parents first choice to manipulate all against you - to cut you up from suport.
Often they start to tell the entire family that you are a lyer and crazy bevore they start to abuse you.
I found aut in my 40' that my father start with his story telling abaut me to my mom and brother + neighbours when I was 4 years old - than he started the abuse...
I found only aut becsuse my mom told me when she was terminal ill with cancer.
Her responses are so wise. Wish my words flowed out so thoughtfully, purposefully, and with such honesty & poise. Can I be you? 🥰
Amazing conversation. Thank you Lisa and Terri.
Monica. 😊