Narcissists take an opportunity, not because they need it or want it - but because they know that by taking it they will deprive others of the possibilities.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY YOU WERE ABUSED People often see the victim of narcissistic abuse as "crazy" or dramatic. They seem unstable, imbalanced, and full of fear and doubt. They are angry, depressed, and sometimes lash out. They are experiencing overwhelming emotions, and probably wearing them on their sleeve, for all to see. While the narcissist shows up cool, calm, and collected. Cruel and heartless as they are, they remain stable, because they were never attached to their victim. So using, abusing, and then casting them aside, didn't mean anything. because they don't care.
They do care. They care that the victim believes their narrative and distortions so that the victim feels is defective, unworthy, and never enough. That’s why in toxic systems the victim must work to prove they are worthy, perfect, and enough. This is the narcissistic supply cycle. When victims wake up to this game, the narcissist has no power over them.
This hit hard. The generational narcissism and trauma that I have endured my entire life have forced me to cut EVERYONE out except my son. Most recently my 94 year old Grandma. She was the last enabler and perhaps narcissist that I just couldn't cut ties with. She kept reporting back to the family of origin, and would not stop telling me about everyone and what they were doing despite multiple talks about how I didn't want to know, and that hearing these things hurt me deeply. I am desperately attempting to break free from my role as the scapegoat and truthteller. The difficult thing is pulling up all those feeders and learning to live without all of them. I have yearned for peace, but all I feel is immense sadness atm. EXCELLENT analogy Dr. Ramani.
I understand your impotence and pain. I was in your position not so long ago. They are not evil, but they will never understand. Understanding you will cost them too much, and probably they are not (and they will never be) prepared or equipped to deal with the truth. Re training your intuition and self respect will be your major triumph ❤ I went no contact 7 years ago with all of my family (20 to 30 people), I saw them at a funeral for the first time 3 weeks ago. I'm not worried about their behavior anymore, I am sure about my own. Nobody can take that away from me now. I am free, and I think, feel and behave accordingly. 🧘♀️
@@jarenkoelzer1994 I am happy to give you hope, I know I got lots of advice and hope from this comment sections years ago and now I feel the need to give back. Best wishes on your journey 🥳✨
7:38 *"It's easier to blame the healthy person that leaves than the cause of the problem."* Enabling in a nutshell! I chose the harder path and it has made all the difference! 🏋♀🤓💖😄🌈😻🍀💃
It really does Tge universe, something, opens up other possibilities. I don't know if its a fluke but from feeling trapped and finally following through from the videos and distancing myself other opportunities have arisen, positive opportunities have come into my life.
Ex boyfriend popped up again and tried hoovering me after 30+ years! I think he must have driven off everyone he'd ever known and decided to try me again. It didn't work.
I don’t doubt that but if they do find you it’s called stalking which proves who really has the problem. As far as I’m concerned the people I went no contact and blocked can kmass and I will never allow them back into my life. Since I was labeled as the problem and I moved away and discontinued any contact it’s obvious when the toxic person keeps trying to contact who is the real problem.
Wow! Dr. Ramani, this analogy hit me harder than any other! Two of my three children, (aged 19 and 9) have "flown away" as a result of me constantly putting my "food supply" out there for this aggressive hummingbird in my life to take all for himself. You become emotionally unavailable to your children and even to yourself because the hungry, aggressive and territorial bully sees YOU as his main food supply and leaves nothing for anyone else. Ironically I left a few times and ended up back with him due to financial difficulties. I am working my plan to become financially independent so that I can cut off his food supply, and I only hope and pray that my beautiful birdies will soon fly back to the mammas love that they once knew.
I drives me bonkers how other family members an enable the abusive family narcissists. Some are finally seeing it and putting some boundaries up, but not much. I am usually expected to accept the bullying and not worrying about it because ‘it’s family’. I am not accepting it anymore and prioritizing my well being. No longer existing on crumbs. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
My jaw is on the floor ! That is exactly the pattern of two of my family members. We were on vacation together and my daughter dared to ask a very simple task of her narc husband…never mind that we were doing all the work of cooking, cleaning, being with the children keeping everyone happy. He ignored her several times and when he came into the kitchen were we were working she asked if he had done it. Wow, what a rage. He ripped her apart for nagging, not appreciating him, being irrational, and emotional. He was like a 3yr old having a temper tantrum . Everything he was describing was HIS behaviour all because she dared to ask he do a small task that would have taken him a minute to do. Always the victim , never appreciated. That’s how he shuts everyone down and ruins every vacation. All it takes is a few blow ups to have everyone on eggshells and HE is the victor. I am so sick of it and so sad for my daughter and grandchildren.
I'll add one: They do the thing...but they want loads of acknowledgment and admiration for doing the thing - because it was never about you anyway. It was only about getting credit (or building up their image to others that they're so wonderful and nice). The thing will be mentioned multiple times (numerous times over the years, if the thing was significant enough; say, like, a relatively inexpensive birthday gift or that ride home in the snow they gave someone at work). You will be required to relive the glory of their generosity and/or nobleness in regard to the thing over and over. The thing, whatever it was, will become meaningless and really just something that feels icky forever afterward. It can never be just this really wonderful, thoughtful gift (or gesture) you received that leaves you with a feeling of being truly loved or cared for when you see it or think about it. Why? Because it's THEIRS. And it always was.
@@madlife3770 I have a Melissa and Doug chore board on my fridge to remind me of tasks needing doing. But with my health, I sometimes don't get to everything each day. My friend, who decided that I needed so much help they would just move in with me, at first thought the chart was a great idea. I had colorful magnets to mark done chores. They decided that, instead of using all the different colors of magnets, the green magnets would show what THEY had done and the blue magnets what I did. After a few weeks, I felt motivated because I wasn't doing all the chores alone, but they were still getting done and somedays I had the energy/motivation to do more. On those days, there would be more blue magnets filling the boxes. Then the friend stopped doing any of the tasks but I'd gotten into a nice routine so I didn't mind doing all the chores that were adjacent. I felt great about my system and the living space was much better. Then one day, while I was vacuuming around the friend, the task they usually did, this friend got annoyed and Yelled at me that I was making them 'look bad" by doing more chores than them. But for the past few days they hadn't done it, and I didn't say "I'm doing Your task" , I just saw an empty square on the board and did the task because I felt like doing it. They complained that I had more blue magnets than they had green for the week. They took a great system for sharing and keeping up with maintenance chores and turned it into an attack and an excuse to not do any chores. They made it my fault because I felt good enough to do the chores myself sometimes, which was the whole point of the board and system, to get me back to being able to do maintenance chores regularly without help That "friend" no longer lives with me. and I feel a twang of resistance to even use the board alone, because of how they attacked me for doing better. It turns out they didn't like when I showed that I didn't NEED them for something, even if they weren't going to even do the thing that I needed.
The way I relate to this is remembering having to detach from extended family because removing myself from the immediate family and not being able to explain anything was very scary and depressing. It was hard and I ruminated for months and months on end.
Doctor Ramani is the goddess to the narcissistically abused. Only because she is the only expert I know who does this without ego and with honesty about herself ❤
I needed this video today. I just got into a fight with my narcissistic father, enabling mother, and golden child little sister (turning into a narcissist) this week and it was so tempting to gaslight myself into believing I was the problem due to feeling shame and guilt for being honest about how toxic our family is. But the truth is, narcissistic family systems are the most toxic dynamic in human existence. A harsh reality is that sometimes there’s only one mentally healthy person in a family and to save yourself you have to cut off the cancerous tumors slowly killing you - just like how the bully hummingbirds are fighting over territory, so too does the narcissist with their flying monkeys.
This also shows that going no contact is not as easy a solution as some would have it. There is always pain and loss involved. Thank you, dear Dr Ramani ❤
I agree with your analogy wholeheartedly. I found it easier to walk away from everyone then deal with drama that has no meaning for my well-being. Negative narcissistic behavior drains the life out of you with no positive returns. I hear you and thank you for enlightening me to the perils of surviving a narcissistic relationship.
Beautiful analogy ❤👍 I will watch this video again and again. It made me feel so much better for the tough choices I'm having to make right now. Peace and blessings
Someone once said of my narcissistic mother, "she is like a loose cannon, she will take herself down even as she destroys the ship." Very wise and true words.
As a bird lover and daughter of a narcissist, I connected with your story. My bully hummingbird even attacked butterflies that tried to feed at flowers in my garden. The only thing that helped was keeping feeders spread far apart and invisible from each other. (My neighbor kept out a feeder, too, making it exhausting for the bully to control both yards.) Similarly, my mother controlled her children, keeping us isolated from other family members (who might have provided support or insights) until we finally broke off our relationship with her. Then, she reconnected with the relatives she once described as horrible people, but by then I didn't care. I had found freedom and support elsewhere. Fortunately for everyone, the bully bird did not return the following year.
Yes, that's how I felt when the narcissist verbally attacked me with abusive words. I realized that nothing would change and I couldn't be in that situation anymore. I did feel like I was letting people down and still sometimes feel like I'm a quitter, but I promised myself a long tim ago that I would never put up with an abuser.
I feel I'm at the "climax" of a narcissistic relationship--my digestion as of late is taking a hit. I do have the support of surrounding family members. They're waiting for me to make that move. Finances is a biggie. I appreciate, to say the least!, your continued encouragement and observations of the world around you. That helps tremendously.
Hang in there. Get yourself to a safe place, heal, you will eventually bloom again. Learn to trust yourself. I know it seems hard but you are over the worst. We are all cheering you on -- all of us survivors. ❤🎉🙌🔥
This is a mind-blowing analogy. I want to keep it in mind as I meet other victims who are struggling and I want something succinct and meaningful to share with them that I hope will make them feel seen and they can ponder later on to get to their own epiphanies.
Turning ourselves inside out and wasting all our precious energy on the clueless, yup, that's definitely a pattern I recognize in myself. Making changes, moving forward ❤❤
Besides the fact that Dr Ramini has beef with hummingbirds, I think the funniest part of the video is how bluntly she called the birds stupid. Really cheered me up ❤ Amazing and helpful video as always, doc!
I just know this is me. I was my sister's scapegoat for all the 71 yrs that we knew each other. She passed away in 2021 at 84 me 74. I watched to see how her off spring was going to treat me. I saw the same old bullying behavior. I realized I was going to have to go NC. which I have done. It was painful. I miss them but understand this is what I have to do and try to stay guilt free. But I have to listen several more times to reenforce the principles you're teaching here. Thanks again Dr. Ramani. I do really love you and your teaching.
My heart will forever be a little broken because of the harm the narcissist inflected on family and friends and me. But it got to the point that I had to walk away for my own sanity. I'm grateful for the ones who may not really understand, but choose to empathize with my feelings and keep me in their lives. ❤
“still worry about and care for others who are caught in the system.. “ oof yep. You just explained me in regards to the worry and care of my siblings and mother under the narcissistic influence of my father. Thank you for sharing this analogy. Super super helpful and clarifying
Life is phenomenal. How complex the human brain that has been traumatized that we feel protective of the littlest of little . Ty for sharing. Nature keeps on giving me lessons and ur safe wisdom is helpful.
At 7:38 - that is so true in the workplace as well. When there are narcissistic managers, enabled by numerous flying monkeys who receive perks from the narcs, there is no justice at work. The diligent are constantly overworked, feeding the narcs and flying monkeys. Finally, one by one, the good people leave. The managers, angry at the loss of productivity, will tell the remaining, "Well, he was never any good anyway."
Great analogy Dr. Ramani! Narcissists harm everyone in their orbit. We are powerless to change them, and our pain and frustration comes from trying to rearrange everything to try to get them to stop their behavior (this of course just enables their behavior). This constant rearranging, and our repeated failure, is really what hurts us the most, I think, not the direct harm from the narcissist. Ramani wasn’t directly hurt by the male hummingbird, she was hurt by the unfairness that she perceived was happening to other hummingbirds. I am at peace with the harm narcissists have done to me in my past (and, believe me, there were plenty of them) because I stopped trying to control their behavior in order to make myself feel better. I learned that I was ok no matter what the narcissists were doing, and that my feelings were my responsibility, not the responsibility of people in my life who could never give me the love I needed. I learned to love and respect myself for who I was. This, by the way, is the essence of the Al-Anon program. I am grateful that I started going to meetings, got a sponsor, and did the 12 steps. Al-Anon saved my life. What I originally thought was a loved one’s drinking problem turned out to be a loved one’s narcissism. And now that I am a sponsor to many in the Al-Anon program, I am able to help them recognize and heal from the effects of the narcissism of others if that is the problem.
My girl - I felt you on this one. I could see how much this bothered you. An outsider is often dismissive and cannot get how much they disregulate us, torture us. We get it. Thank you for this video - Anne in Ireland
Thank you for using very real examples 🎉 i am autistic and have been working very very hard to escape narcissistic abuse and this helps me see the examples in my own life. ❤
Why are you so cross? I am referring to the bully humming birds as a last resort. She has been battling one in particular, Al, for over a year. Now along with his mates he is insufferable. So Dr Ramani just showed us “no contact” masterclass. Lovely lesson
I'm holding "them" to account. Narcs didn't know what they were messing with then they been bullying mama her whole life. I have discord how to not let them hurt me AND not let them get away with their behavior. It's been a LIBERATING YEAR OF JUSTICE for me and MY LOVED ONE who has bpd and feels worth "less" than everyone else. Doc, you ROCK
OMG! Went through the same exact thing with my birds!!! After trying everything, came to the same conclusion...removed all the feeders. For me, it took about a week for the bullys to move on and my loyal friends returned. Unfortunately on that other front...it's been 16 months, and I've yet to break free from that energetic bond.🙏✌️❤️🌞
Wishing you all the strength and tools to break free of the sticky energies that linger-it’s been 9 months of being away and it’s a daily “wash” to keep me focused on the now and not the past. Wishing you the best!
found this on a birding website: "An old rule of thumb when it came to addressing bully hummingbirds was to separate the feeders from each other. However, by placing feeders in separate areas, you may be encouraging more bullies to claim their territory. The real answer to hummingbird harmony is to add MORE hummingbird feeders to your collection and place them in clusters around your yard. By creating more feeding zones, some of which will be out of sight of the others, a dominant hummingbird cannot defend a particular feeder. Additionally, the fighting and feeding sounds that hummingbirds make will attract more hummingbirds to your yard, and ultimately your feeders. If you have one hummingbird that is a common bully, it’s also a good idea to locate their favorite hiding spot. Bully hummingbirds usually stake out a spot that allows a good vantage point of their territory so they can easily defend it. Try removing the perch or pruning the branch that they typically use. This will help to prevent them from chasing away other hummingbirds that try to feed. Don’t forget that by having multiple feeders, you must be more diligent about regular cleaning to ward off disease and prohibit nectar from spoiling. It is not necessary to completely fill the feeders until you start seeing feeders go empty."
Great analogy! Also like me agreeing year after year to be the host of holiday family gatherings. The narcissist made it untenable. Giving up the "tradition" was hard, but very freeing.
I'm trying to make that decision regarding hosting the big Christmas dinner as usual this year. Tired of pretending that the narc abuse that happens throughout the year suddenly gets put into the closet so they can sit at my dinner table.
This allegory speaks to me. The guilt and shame of leaving a bad situation makes no sense but it happens and working through that is difficult some consolation is "It's easier to blame the healthier person that leaves than the cause of the problem"
What an interesting way to look at this problem. Also, it's difficult to switch off empathy, but sometimes it's the only way out of a difficult situation.
After I listened to this I took my dogs for their afternoon walk. That is the time that I do much of my reflections. I felt such an incredible sadness because it finally dawned on me how much potential love the narcissist takes out of the world. One of the last Christmases I, fresh out of an alcohol rehab, announced upon my arrival home that I was going to compulsively overeat, did not want to hear a word about it and went to the kitchen for a box of cookies. I was a 32 yo work alcoholic, never married, never any serious relationships. I watched my sister (37 never married, never any serious relationship) sit there developing her headache and stomach ache. My brother, divorced and estranged from his kids, getting drunk. And there sat my mother the queen presiding over her court. One cannot help but wonder how different that Christmas scene could have been if not for narcissism.
My Grandma put up a feeder and their was one " scruffy" and she made sure to see him everyday and reported daily. It was adorable. I had an aggressive set of hummingbirds that made a nest and had access to the feeder two feet away. I didn't know there were different kinds. They raised generations but that was their feeder.
I loved this video. I had the same problem with the hummingbirds. I completely understand what you are saying. Narcissists are such unhealthy and toxic people, that are bullies.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my narcissist Mom several years ago. We were talking about something, which I don't remember; however, I do remember what she said to me. She said to me, "If, something happens, I could survive, could you"? This was about 5 years ago. I'm 52 now. I actually told her probably not since she taught me no survival skills. She never taught me anything. I learned to drive at 22. She never taught me to cook. She never taught me anything. For narcissists, it's always about survival; theirs.
I was just talking about this with my therapist. They want us to be dependent on them, so they can continue to get supply from us. It's also convenient for them to use against us later, shaming us for not knowing, and reinforcing that dependence.
It is exactly the case. Because of one or two bullies everyone loses. We often reflexively enable the narcisist because we want others to benefit as well and since it’s never enough for the narcisist and they are bullying others, it’s painful and often detrimental for everyone else to engage in order to get anything- any breadcrumbs and the best way out is to cut everyone off. What a colossal waste on all possible fronts that is?! Sometimes the critical mass is just one narcisist in the position of power to bring the whole big social organisation down. It’s tragic.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. You words always ring so true and are so helpful. ...Now, on to hummingbirds. I did the same thing with my feeders as you did. I also tried everything. One day I told my daughter that I've emptied them in hopes that the bullies would move on. She looked at me and said, "Mom, why are you trying to control them? They will always fight and horde the feeders. It's just their nature. They're just being what they are." ...After pondering her words for bit, I realized that she was right. And these darn birds are exactly like dealing with a narcissist. So I moved them as far apart as I could (which wasn't far enough, of course) filled them, and let the birds be. Somehow the food does go down a little, though I don't know how the smaller birds are able to get anything at all or when because I've never seen them be able to eat. It still makes me mad to see the smaller ones getting picked on, but I'm no longer emotionally invested into a bossy bird's behavior. It is what it is, and the birds are somehow getting fed without my intervention.
Wow. You just gave me the perfect analogy for the demise of my business. I had a “wellness” business, which is a great “feeder” for narc supply, and I attracted a whole nest of narcs who gradually turned into an entire flock of flying monkeys. They triangulated a large percentage of my clientele. My business closed in October of 2020 - couldn’t survive a respiratory virus or recurrent shutdowns - and my response was to just walk away. I knew I couldn’t convince anyone who couldn’t see it for themselves, and I couldn’t be in proximity to a community I had nurtured for 7 years and lost due to these bully birds. I pulled stakes and walked away. That disappointed some people, but I had to take that chance. It’s been 4 years, and I’m still healing. My life is much smaller and quieter than it used to be, and I have a job that offers no narc supply, so I’m surrounded by normal people. It’s not the life I want, but it’s safe for now. Maybe someday it will feel safe to put the feeders out again and do the daily work of refilling them.
So very insightful. Thank you! Not enough people talk about the uncomfortable emotions that come along with having to abandon an entire dynamic in order not to get sucked back or feed into a narcissistic system. This was beautiful, thank you.
I have had to leave all of my narcissists friends at one time just to save myself. I was 25 going through a dark period in my life and they would not respect my decisions of change and wanted to drag me down back into the old ways of life. I had to respect myself and my decisions enough to be able to break free, so I could be free to move forward to a better life. YES IT WAS HARD AND I FELT GUILTY but I had to do it for me. Or God knows where I would be now.
Preach! Your experience of dealing with the aggressive, territorial hummingbird correlates deeply with my personal experience as well. That is why when you decide to cut off contact, you must cut off the whole group with the narcissists in it, including some of the nicer, better people. Otherwise they will still be able to spread rumors, do the smear campaign, play the victim, blame you for whatever that happens afterwards, and send the enablers to do their biddings. If there are 2 actual good things that being in a narcissistic relationship taught me, that is: 1) It "forced" me to find Meditation, to turn within and take charge over myself. 2) It helped me to see the value of Being Alone, and the Peace that comes with it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness of narcissism, as well as creating a community where people can more freely open up and share their personal experiences
I also have a hummingbird feeder and really enjoy observing my local population. The hummingbirds in my area seem to play fight but still take turns. I currently have a group of up to 10, but I know Cali is known for even more density of hummingbirds in some places. Please update us on the birds. I hope you're able to bring your more agreeable bird population back. I understand the feeling of grief when they go away. I felt that when they left after the July 4th smoke and fireworks. 😢 Now they are back, and I hope yours return too. I love hummingbirds. ❤
I FELT what You meant.. and bc of that I could understand it... thats a big thing, just to find words for what has happened.. we have lived in palindromic worlds... Thank You, dr Ramani❤
I watched your video while sitting in the back side of my house, in a camp chair. Listening to what you were saying I glanced at my feeders. All of them seemingly untouched! This makes so much sense, thank you! I do hear activity and have witnessed one or two hummingbirds being dive-bombed by these ones that are that are just slightly larger. They sound like a tiny version of the spaceships on Star Wars! I liked your video for its physical and metaphysical, or larger view.
The nice hummingbirds went No Contact. This was a great analogy. Growing up, I always fed the less aggressive ducks in the park. I didn't like the mean ones 😂 Took me longer in RL. Hope pulling their supply works Dr. Ramani ❤
When we're trying to learn or teach, the world will reveal a lesson. I love Mother Nature giving us an analogy and thank you for recognizing and sharing. Thought provoking ❤
Don't forget that when the narc discards you, you will be the villain in every story. When she or he can no longer get any more milage from the first batch of stories.. they'll have to invent more.
I was an enabler most of my life. It was the most bitter pill to swallow that all the times I thought I was helping people or fixing problems I was taking away their choices, responsibility and consequences which hindered their personal growth and learning.
@@ritatharp5238 Rita, this is the season that I have been going through for months. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but I am so grateful to have the available resources to unpack the layers of sludge that formed the thought patterns early in life.
We saw this happen on our front patio. It was sad to watch as none of the others could get close to the feeder. We ended up taking all of them down because even the joy of watching the sweet,little birds was not there anymore.
I must admit i love the way, dr. Ramani used the humming birds as a example and how she used the humming birds as a way to better understand how narsistic people live and how they can never get enough and wanting more and more. Its sad to say but truth be told its never enough no matter how much we try and how hard we try and thats just heartbreaking for me. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I could not cut off my rufous hummingbird that I am still married to because there were children involved. Thanks to Doctor Ramani, I figured out a lot of his tricks. I am much healthier and happier than a few years ago and I do appreciate this gift. I don't care any more what the enablers think about me. I am staying in this marriage for now for various reasons that I will not discuss here. However, I managed to feed other hummingbirds and leave roufous one only drops. I hope he starves. Thank you, Doctor Ramani, for all the talking you have done. You are my life-saver and light-saber. Thank you.
Wow, I am so proud and happy that you are staying in this relationship to care for those that need you, with eyes wide open to the one that can wreak havoc. Amazing, God bless you and give you the strength and wisdom to continue to endure. I will put you in my prayer book. Rev Dee🛐✝️⚔️👑🩸♥️🙌
@@ashdee988 Thank you for encouraging words and especially for the prayers coming from your heart. I will pray for blessings for you also. Pax et bonum.
Oh boy, this describes the online communities that I have been apart of - eventually, all the nice people leave and there are only a handful of bullies left... (You might have one nice person staying around in the vain hope that more nice people will turn up, but it never happens.) It would be interesting to know if the nice birds started staying away from the feeders not just because the bullies kept them away, but that they learned to stay away and didn't bother going to them even if they appeared 'unguarded'. I've given up on certain online hobbies because of bullies and I can't get past the fear that if I try to start partaking in the hobby again that I will encounter more bullies (or even the same people.)
This makes so much sense. You’re right you’re not crazy! Thank you, Dr. Ramey this validates a stance I had to take just within the last couple of days. Thank you for your clarity of this condition, insights, and care for us. Who are dealing with these bullies.
First it so touches my heart hearing about your heart for these birds. Listening to your story I saw myself and the intricate dance I do to make everyone happy....that is supported my my need to care for everyone, make sure everyone is 'good'......and my hidden need to be loved back for this caring. And that is my problem...the imprinting I received in childhood...that created a default mode of behaving that operates in the background of whatever is going on in my life. And it does sometimes take the overly aggressive hummingbird's presence and behavior to wake me up to a problem...and my participation in it. Thanks for this illustrative story.
Animals teach us so much when we pay attention. I thought this was a very insightful video. We try so hard only to be blamed or defeated in our effort when we try to outwit many bullies.
So nice, Dr Ramani is a birdwatcher. I get so much joy from watching the bird feeders too. I'm sorry to hear the bullies ruined it. Hummingbirds are so beautiful and special.
Thank You for all that you have done & continue to do to spread awareness on Narcissism. Your videos have helped more than you know! May you continue to be fruitful!
WOW, this video spoke volumes to me. As the enabler, I was blamed for the divorce by everyone because I left the family home. The N husband and father had been threatening divorce for years but because I finally left I was the cause of the divorce. Thank you for all you do. You have given me so much hope for my own personal peace of mind. 💞
It's great that Dr. Ramani's explanations have so much 'indirect' and pertinent value for objectively viewing certain politicians as examples of the narcissist dynamic. Nice metaphor for bullying for supply.
holy freaking S***!!!!!! my dad died 4 months ago and i’ve had a rufus hummingbird at my bird feeder since. ALL THE OTHER BIRDS WERE GONE & I kept calling the hummingbird my dad!!!!!!!!!
Very interesting insight, Dr. Ramani! I love hummingbirds, like most of us do. However, it's amazing how nature resembles human behaviours, sometimes showing where they come from (in the human mammal, as I call it), sometimes just mimmicking the situation and bringing to us important lessons, insight, growth. We love you, Dr. Ramani! Keep sharing. Sending you a big warm hug from another survivor.
All your videos are meaningful, Dr Ramani! Your words express what I could not articulate for more than half my life! Do you have any idea what peace you are bringing to people around the world? God bless you with love, peace, a good life!
Thank u so so much. I needed to hear this. Just ended, for good, a connection with my daughter in law who displays high on the spectrum of covert narcissism. The break from family started this past Christmas when she denied my son and family to visit because of unresolved issues. When I asked my son what issues, he replied with “ we have to have a serious conversation about the way you treat my wife”. I could see another round of abuse coming around to me and she was feeding my son with her words. He’s trapped with her and has been for some time but doesn’t or can’t see it. But I was done with the merry go round after years of her demeaning words and negative attitude at me. After studying through channels like this, I was finally able to say no to abuse and turn towards the love and light of my precious friends. To let go was extremely hard and I grieved. It looked like my son and I would be able to come back to an understanding but a situation arose 7 months later, just last week, where his special needs 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship was staying with me for a night.I have a good relationship with my grand daughter biological mother. The girl was over for one of the nights that she was with her mom. But the mom had gotten the dates wrong. And the narcissist step mom called and said she was coming to get her. Unbeknownst to me, she picked up my son and when they got to me I was once again accused of treating his wife badly. Before they came the granddaughter started to show signs of trauma over not having the right shoes on and not having an elastic in her hair, my heart sank as that spoke of signs of abuse. Earlier, just before she came to get the girl, the step mom had hung up on me. To say the least I wasn’t in the mood for being told I was being mean to her. So I called her out and said she’s the one. Well, all hell broke loose. Why this post was good for me to hear is I know I have to let go of this for my health and for peace. The guilt I had to move through was incredible as I am extremely attached to my gran daughter. I have to believe that my son will come around one day…the angst is over the young one that is trapped there. I told her mom I was concerned for her (dad who lives with narcissist has custody) and that I would support her if she wanted to get custody back. I just wanted to make it so I could see the little one but I feel that involvement may have caused more harm than good to her. So right…. No on wins with a persistent bully. I had to go through thoughts of did I do the right thing…. Etc etc. it’s been a week and I know I have to just let go of alll of them. I will not be abused anymore. Almost 70 years of some kind of abuse or another. Time for peace. It’s tempting to placate and make nicey nicey but it’s not peaceful in the long run. I see clearly that the step mom was seeking a way to get back in and feed some more. My words to her closed that door forever. My prayer is that my grand daughter will be safe and that my son will one day see the light on this very hard situation. He’s my only son and it grieves me deeply to see him hurting and to see signs of trauma for my grand daughter. She’s part First Nations and I did bring my concerns to her band. Still there is so much guilt to process. It’s hard. But enabling this sickness is not what I want to do. That will only perpetuate further abuse. So thank you for the humming bird story. It helps to know I am not alone with a highly empathic nature. Wicked are the ways of these people and our birthright is joy and happiness. That’s the journey for me anyway. Hard at times and ev3n harder at other times….But always there is hope. I am coming to see that I had to call her out to stop any further evolvement with her and her messed up mind. God be with anyone going through any level of this kind of torture. I pray for peace and seek joy… and trust that true guidance from my higher self will be there for me.
I needed to hear this, thanks Dr Ramani. Today, I'm grieving, even trembling, bc of my narc relationship with my mother. I must learn to move past the brokenness and live my own separate life. There's wonderful people with which I have healthy loving relationships. I have a life worth living. Hello from Washington state 🌲 🌲🌲
Oh, Dr.! It's so funny! I went through the same thing! I realized Mother Earth is our greatest Master teacher, and Mother Nature holds the lessons we need to learn. Be blessed, and thank you for all your amazing work. ❤
An incredibly powerful analogy Dr Ramani. I am understanding me more now, how I fear the flying monkeys and enablers that Pedestalize these abusive individuals. Growing up in and marrying into this abusive cycle, I brace! for the let downs and blows and when others believe their lies, it’s devastating to me. As Dr Carter says, I’ll have this emotional limp. You and this community are crutches and casts and I’m healing. r says, I’ll have this emotional limp. You and this community are crutches and casts and I’m healing.
This is a great analogy (and I happen to love birds too, we have feeders for our cardinals and jays). I am part of a blended family with a few very narcissistic individuals. Over the years, the only way I have been able to maintain relationships with the people I care about is to appease or dance around the narcs. So your example of constantly creating bird feeder work arounds is something I can understand 100%. Not only is it exhausting, I sometimes feel I have lost a part of myself (and my dignity) in the process. When you said "It's easier to blame the healthy person than the cause of the problem"...wow did that resonate. Every conflict I have had with these narcissists has ultimately been deemed my fault one way or another. Since grandchildren are involved I don't know if I can ever leave the situation, but I really appreciate this lesson you have shared.
![[BadComedian] - Русские ЭМО СУМЕРКИ (твой личный сорт кринжа)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/DO_lijyx-No/mqdefault.jpg)
“It’s easier to blame the one that walks away than the cause of the problem” You said it!
Because blaming the source destroys the illusion they're all participating in
Yes!
Yup! A lot of humans really suck!
@@Nat-oj2uc Well said!
That could be a BTDT T-Shirt.
Narcissists take an opportunity, not because they need it or want it - but because they know that by taking it they will deprive others of the possibilities.
Just described billionaires
And because they believe they are entitled to the opportunity
The feeling of power over others
That describes narcissistic In-Laws destroying their son’s or daughter’s marriages.😢
@tracyking5945 Spot on! They have an all for me nothing for you mentality
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY YOU WERE ABUSED
People often see the victim of narcissistic abuse as "crazy" or dramatic.
They seem unstable, imbalanced, and full of fear and doubt. They are angry, depressed, and sometimes lash out. They are experiencing overwhelming emotions, and probably wearing them on their sleeve, for all to see.
While the narcissist shows up cool, calm, and collected. Cruel and heartless as they are, they remain stable, because they were never attached to their victim.
So using, abusing, and then casting them aside, didn't mean anything. because they don't care.
They do care. They care that the victim believes their narrative and distortions so that the victim feels is defective, unworthy, and never enough. That’s why in toxic systems the victim must work to prove they are worthy, perfect, and enough. This is the narcissistic supply cycle. When victims wake up to this game, the narcissist has no power over them.
😊 Yes, except that I'd point out that Narsisist are very "Unstable" people
thank you so much for this comment
going through this right now and lately
i hope i can make it out soon
Narcissists: the origin of the phrase, "this is why we can't have nice things."
Wow! Great connection. I've actually said that many times.
So true, lol.
I like that! 😊
So true
Because you break them, I had to take them, awaaaaaaaaay. 🎵
It is amazing to see the damage that one narcissist can do.
Not when you're the one being damaged
My narc got rid of my career and took it too far
A narcissist watches their supply as a warden watches their prisoner.
Yes it's quite sickening.
Y E S 😳
💯 on 🎯!!
@@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5htI lost something and they just told me they took it and enjoyed watching me look for it 😢😢😢
Right💯👍😂
This hit hard. The generational narcissism and trauma that I have endured my entire life have forced me to cut EVERYONE out except my son. Most recently my 94 year old Grandma. She was the last enabler and perhaps narcissist that I just couldn't cut ties with. She kept reporting back to the family of origin, and would not stop telling me about everyone and what they were doing despite multiple talks about how I didn't want to know, and that hearing these things hurt me deeply. I am desperately attempting to break free from my role as the scapegoat and truthteller. The difficult thing is pulling up all those feeders and learning to live without all of them. I have yearned for peace, but all I feel is immense sadness atm. EXCELLENT analogy Dr. Ramani.
I understand your impotence and pain. I was in your position not so long ago. They are not evil, but they will never understand. Understanding you will cost them too much, and probably they are not (and they will never be) prepared or equipped to deal with the truth.
Re training your intuition and self respect will be your major triumph ❤
I went no contact 7 years ago with all of my family (20 to 30 people), I saw them at a funeral for the first time 3 weeks ago. I'm not worried about their behavior anymore, I am sure about my own. Nobody can take that away from me now. I am free, and I think, feel and behave accordingly. 🧘♀️
@@artifundio1 Thank you so much for this, it helps give me the hope I need. Sending so much respect, healing, and peace to you.
@@jarenkoelzer1994 I am happy to give you hope, I know I got lots of advice and hope from this comment sections years ago and now I feel the need to give back.
Best wishes on your journey 🥳✨
Same
@@artifundio1thank you for sharing your story!! This does help remind me to hold firm to the boundaries and to “trust the process” of healing.
7:38 *"It's easier to blame the healthy person that leaves than the cause of the problem."* Enabling in a nutshell! I chose the harder path and it has made all the difference! 🏋♀🤓💖😄🌈😻🍀💃
It really does
Tge universe, something, opens up other possibilities.
I don't know if its a fluke but from feeling trapped and finally following through from the videos and distancing myself other opportunities have arisen, positive opportunities have come into my life.
Narcissists always ruin things for everyone else
Because their lives are already A MESS!!!
Great analogy. Most narcissists I've seen KEEP checking back in for possible supply, even YEARS LATER.
Ex boyfriend popped up again and tried hoovering me after 30+ years! I think he must have driven off everyone he'd ever known and decided to try me again. It didn't work.
I don’t doubt that but if they do find you it’s called stalking which proves who really has the problem. As far as I’m concerned the people I went no contact and blocked can kmass and I will never allow them back into my life. Since I was labeled as the problem and I moved away and discontinued any contact it’s obvious when the toxic person keeps trying to contact who is the real problem.
This is absolutely true and many people do not understand the dynamics behind narcissistic abuse.
Wow! Dr. Ramani, this analogy hit me harder than any other! Two of my three children, (aged 19 and 9) have "flown away" as a result of me constantly putting my "food supply" out there for this aggressive hummingbird in my life to take all for himself. You become emotionally unavailable to your children and even to yourself because the hungry, aggressive and territorial bully sees YOU as his main food supply and leaves nothing for anyone else. Ironically I left a few times and ended up back with him due to financial difficulties. I am working my plan to become financially independent so that I can cut off his food supply, and I only hope and pray that my beautiful birdies will soon fly back to the mammas love that they once knew.
I drives me bonkers how other family members an enable the abusive family narcissists. Some are finally seeing it and putting some boundaries up, but not much. I am usually expected to accept the bullying and not worrying about it because ‘it’s family’. I am not accepting it anymore and prioritizing my well being. No longer existing on crumbs. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I love the story
DNA is not a free pass for abuse.
@@amandagish5976 happens in adoptive families, too, unfortunately.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
My jaw is on the floor ! That is exactly the pattern of two of my family members. We were on vacation together and my daughter dared to ask a very simple task of her narc husband…never mind that we were doing all the work of cooking, cleaning, being with the children keeping everyone happy. He ignored her several times and when he came into the kitchen were we were working she asked if he had done it. Wow, what a rage. He ripped her apart for nagging, not appreciating him, being irrational, and emotional. He was like a 3yr old having a temper tantrum . Everything he was describing was HIS behaviour all because she dared to ask he do a small task that would have taken him a minute to do. Always the victim , never appreciated. That’s how he shuts everyone down and ruins every vacation. All it takes is a few blow ups to have everyone on eggshells and HE is the victor. I am so sick of it and so sad for my daughter and grandchildren.
I'll add one: They do the thing...but they want loads of acknowledgment and admiration for doing the thing - because it was never about you anyway. It was only about getting credit (or building up their image to others that they're so wonderful and nice). The thing will be mentioned multiple times (numerous times over the years, if the thing was significant enough; say, like, a relatively inexpensive birthday gift or that ride home in the snow they gave someone at work). You will be required to relive the glory of their generosity and/or nobleness in regard to the thing over and over. The thing, whatever it was, will become meaningless and really just something that feels icky forever afterward. It can never be just this really wonderful, thoughtful gift (or gesture) you received that leaves you with a feeling of being truly loved or cared for when you see it or think about it. Why? Because it's THEIRS. And it always was.
@@madlife3770 I have a Melissa and Doug chore board on my fridge to remind me of tasks needing doing. But with my health, I sometimes don't get to everything each day. My friend, who decided that I needed so much help they would just move in with me, at first thought the chart was a great idea. I had colorful magnets to mark done chores. They decided that, instead of using all the different colors of magnets, the green magnets would show what THEY had done and the blue magnets what I did. After a few weeks, I felt motivated because I wasn't doing all the chores alone, but they were still getting done and somedays I had the energy/motivation to do more. On those days, there would be more blue magnets filling the boxes. Then the friend stopped doing any of the tasks but I'd gotten into a nice routine so I didn't mind doing all the chores that were adjacent. I felt great about my system and the living space was much better. Then one day, while I was vacuuming around the friend, the task they usually did, this friend got annoyed and Yelled at me that I was making them 'look bad" by doing more chores than them. But for the past few days they hadn't done it, and I didn't say "I'm doing Your task" , I just saw an empty square on the board and did the task because I felt like doing it. They complained that I had more blue magnets than they had green for the week. They took a great system for sharing and keeping up with maintenance chores and turned it into an attack and an excuse to not do any chores. They made it my fault because I felt good enough to do the chores myself sometimes, which was the whole point of the board and system, to get me back to being able to do maintenance chores regularly without help
That "friend" no longer lives with me. and I feel a twang of resistance to even use the board alone, because of how they attacked me for doing better. It turns out they didn't like when I showed that I didn't NEED them for something, even if they weren't going to even do the thing that I needed.
Shiiiiittttttttttttt🤣🤣
It’s them alright!!
2 days narc free🥰
Superb analysis! 👍 Seems we will always be in recovery from these demons sometimes! 🙏🕊️
The way I relate to this is remembering having to detach from extended family because removing myself from the immediate family and not being able to explain anything was very scary and depressing. It was hard and I ruminated for months and months on end.
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
I feel for you!
@@pinkmeadows My experience exactly! Those who truly matter will figure it out!
Doctor Ramani is the goddess to the narcissistically abused. Only because she is the only expert I know who does this without ego and with honesty about herself ❤
My health has improved 30% at least since moving and living in my own positive environment
You are great 😊
I needed this video today. I just got into a fight with my narcissistic father, enabling mother, and golden child little sister (turning into a narcissist) this week and it was so tempting to gaslight myself into believing I was the problem due to feeling shame and guilt for being honest about how toxic our family is. But the truth is, narcissistic family systems are the most toxic dynamic in human existence. A harsh reality is that sometimes there’s only one mentally healthy person in a family and to save yourself you have to cut off the cancerous tumors slowly killing you - just like how the bully hummingbirds are fighting over territory, so too does the narcissist with their flying monkeys.
Well put. Thank u
We are not tired of hearing this, especially those discovering narcissists now themselves!!
This also shows that going no contact is not as easy a solution as some would have it. There is always pain and loss involved. Thank you, dear Dr Ramani ❤
I agree with your analogy wholeheartedly. I found it easier to walk away from everyone then deal with drama that has no meaning for my well-being. Negative narcissistic behavior drains the life out of you with no positive returns. I hear you and thank you for enlightening me to the perils of surviving a narcissistic relationship.
It's so draining. I always dreaded visits home but couldn't name it. Feels so DRAINING
Beautiful analogy ❤👍 I will watch this video again and again. It made me feel so much better for the tough choices I'm having to make right now. Peace and blessings
What a great analogy!!
I agree.
Someone once said of my narcissistic mother, "she is like a loose cannon, she will take herself down even as she destroys the ship." Very wise and true words.
The birds who seem to have lost, actually learned to survive in another way, a natural way.
❤
I think about this when I see beautiful ancient ruins. People say, "why would anyone ever leave this??" Because the predators showed up, of course.
As a bird lover and daughter of a narcissist, I connected with your story. My bully hummingbird even attacked butterflies that tried to feed at flowers in my garden. The only thing that helped was keeping feeders spread far apart and invisible from each other. (My neighbor kept out a feeder, too, making it exhausting for the bully to control both yards.) Similarly, my mother controlled her children, keeping us isolated from other family members (who might have provided support or insights) until we finally broke off our relationship with her. Then, she reconnected with the relatives she once described as horrible people, but by then I didn't care. I had found freedom and support elsewhere. Fortunately for everyone, the bully bird did not return the following year.
We're not tired of hearing about them. People need to hear about and know ways of protecting themselves.
Yes, that's how I felt when the narcissist verbally attacked me with abusive words. I realized that nothing would change and I couldn't be in that situation anymore. I did feel like I was letting people down and still sometimes feel like I'm a quitter, but I promised myself a long tim ago that I would never put up with an abuser.
Hell NOOOO
You're not a quitter! You're standing up for yourself! Good for you! ❤
I feel I'm at the "climax" of a narcissistic relationship--my digestion as of late is taking a hit. I do have the support of surrounding family members. They're waiting for me to make that move. Finances is a biggie. I appreciate, to say the least!, your continued encouragement and observations of the world around you. That helps tremendously.
Hang in there. Get yourself to a safe place, heal, you will eventually bloom again. Learn to trust yourself. I know it seems hard but you are over the worst. We are all cheering you on -- all of us survivors. ❤🎉🙌🔥
@@jordanbetts1572 Ty. 🥲❤️
This is a mind-blowing analogy. I want to keep it in mind as I meet other victims who are struggling and I want something succinct and meaningful to share with them that I hope will make them feel seen and they can ponder later on to get to their own epiphanies.
Turning ourselves inside out and wasting all our precious energy on the clueless, yup, that's definitely a pattern I recognize in myself. Making changes, moving forward ❤❤
Besides the fact that Dr Ramini has beef with hummingbirds, I think the funniest part of the video is how bluntly she called the birds stupid. Really cheered me up ❤
Amazing and helpful video as always, doc!
This woman is a genius! She has a heart of gold!! I love her!!! ❤
I just know this is me. I was my sister's scapegoat for all the 71 yrs that we knew each other. She passed away in 2021 at 84 me 74. I watched to see how her off spring was going to treat me. I saw the same old bullying behavior. I realized I was going to have to go NC. which I have done. It was painful. I miss them but understand this is what I have to do and try to stay guilt free. But I have to listen several more times to reenforce the principles you're teaching here. Thanks again Dr. Ramani. I do really love you and your teaching.
My heart will forever be a little broken because of the harm the narcissist inflected on family and friends and me. But it got to the point that I had to walk away for my own sanity.
I'm grateful for the ones who may not really understand, but choose to empathize with my feelings and keep me in their lives. ❤
“still worry about and care for others who are caught in the system.. “
oof yep. You just explained me in regards to the worry and care of my siblings and mother under the narcissistic influence of my father.
Thank you for sharing this analogy. Super super helpful and clarifying
They ruin things for themselves and blame everyone else
Life is phenomenal. How complex the human brain that has been traumatized that we feel protective of the littlest of little . Ty for sharing. Nature keeps on giving me lessons and ur safe wisdom is helpful.
At 7:38 - that is so true in the workplace as well. When there are narcissistic managers, enabled by numerous flying monkeys who receive perks from the narcs, there is no justice at work. The diligent are constantly overworked, feeding the narcs and flying monkeys. Finally, one by one, the good people leave. The managers, angry at the loss of productivity, will tell the remaining, "Well, he was never any good anyway."
Great analogy Dr. Ramani! Narcissists harm everyone in their orbit. We are powerless to change them, and our pain and frustration comes from trying to rearrange everything to try to get them to stop their behavior (this of course just enables their behavior). This constant rearranging, and our repeated failure, is really what hurts us the most, I think, not the direct harm from the narcissist. Ramani wasn’t directly hurt by the male hummingbird, she was hurt by the unfairness that she perceived was happening to other hummingbirds. I am at peace with the harm narcissists have done to me in my past (and, believe me, there were plenty of them) because I stopped trying to control their behavior in order to make myself feel better. I learned that I was ok no matter what the narcissists were doing, and that my feelings were my responsibility, not the responsibility of people in my life who could never give me the love I needed. I learned to love and respect myself for who I was. This, by the way, is the essence of the Al-Anon program. I am grateful that I started going to meetings, got a sponsor, and did the 12 steps. Al-Anon saved my life. What I originally thought was a loved one’s drinking problem turned out to be a loved one’s narcissism. And now that I am a sponsor to many in the Al-Anon program, I am able to help them recognize and heal from the effects of the narcissism of others if that is the problem.
My girl - I felt you on this one. I could see how much this bothered you. An outsider is often dismissive and cannot get how much they disregulate us, torture us. We get it. Thank you for this video - Anne in Ireland
Thank you for using very real examples 🎉 i am autistic and have been working very very hard to escape narcissistic abuse and this helps me see the examples in my own life. ❤
Dr Ramani went no contact to Al, the humming bird 🤣😂
Well it wouldn't be the first time obviously 🙄 otherwise why would she tell us 🤦♂️
Why are you so cross? I am referring to the bully humming birds as a last resort. She has been battling one in particular, Al, for over a year. Now along with his mates he is insufferable. So Dr Ramani just showed us “no contact” masterclass. Lovely lesson
@@lukebarnes3157🫤your not getting the joke
I'm holding "them" to account. Narcs didn't know what they were messing with then they been bullying mama her whole life. I have discord how to not let them hurt me AND not let them get away with their behavior. It's been a LIBERATING YEAR OF JUSTICE for me and MY LOVED ONE who has bpd and feels worth "less" than everyone else.
Doc, you ROCK
OMG! Went through the same exact thing with my birds!!!
After trying everything, came to the same conclusion...removed all the feeders. For me, it took about a week for the bullys to move on and my loyal friends returned.
Unfortunately on that other front...it's been 16 months, and I've yet to break free from that energetic bond.🙏✌️❤️🌞
Wishing you all the strength and tools to break free of the sticky energies that linger-it’s been 9 months of being away and it’s a daily “wash” to keep me focused on the now and not the past. Wishing you the best!
@@beingilluminous 🤗💛
@@stevensawyer5924 thank you! 💚
found this on a birding website:
"An old rule of thumb when it came to addressing bully hummingbirds was to separate the feeders from each other. However, by placing feeders in separate areas, you may be encouraging more bullies to claim their territory. The real answer to hummingbird harmony is to add MORE hummingbird feeders to your collection and place them in clusters around your yard.
By creating more feeding zones, some of which will be out of sight of the others, a dominant hummingbird cannot defend a particular feeder. Additionally, the fighting and feeding sounds that hummingbirds make will attract more hummingbirds to your yard, and ultimately your feeders.
If you have one hummingbird that is a common bully, it’s also a good idea to locate their favorite hiding spot. Bully hummingbirds usually stake out a spot that allows a good vantage point of their territory so they can easily defend it. Try removing the perch or pruning the branch that they typically use. This will help to prevent them from chasing away other hummingbirds that try to feed.
Don’t forget that by having multiple feeders, you must be more diligent about regular cleaning to ward off disease and prohibit nectar from spoiling. It is not necessary to completely fill the feeders until you start seeing feeders go empty."
Great analogy! Also like me agreeing year after year to be the host of holiday family gatherings. The narcissist made it untenable. Giving up the "tradition" was hard, but very freeing.
I'm trying to make that decision regarding hosting the big Christmas dinner as usual this year. Tired of pretending that the narc abuse that happens throughout the year suddenly gets put into the closet so they can sit at my dinner table.
This allegory speaks to me. The guilt and shame of leaving a bad situation makes no sense but it happens and working through that is difficult some consolation is
"It's easier to blame the healthier person that leaves than the cause of the problem"
Genuine compassion and lack of ego. Thank you for your work ❤
I love real life metaphors!
Me too! I like parables as well.
Please keep us posted about the hummingbirds 😊
What a valuable nugget of truth - it's easier to blame the healthy one
What an interesting way to look at this problem. Also, it's difficult to switch off empathy, but sometimes it's the only way out of a difficult situation.
After I listened to this I took my dogs for their afternoon walk. That is the time that I do much of my reflections. I felt such an incredible sadness because it finally dawned on me how much potential love the narcissist takes out of the world. One of the last Christmases I, fresh out of an alcohol rehab, announced upon my arrival home that I was going to compulsively overeat, did not want to hear a word about it and went to the kitchen for a box of cookies. I was a 32 yo work alcoholic, never married, never any serious relationships. I watched my sister (37 never married, never any serious relationship) sit there developing her headache and stomach ache. My brother, divorced and estranged from his kids, getting drunk. And there sat my mother the queen presiding over her court. One cannot help but wonder how different that Christmas scene could have been if not for narcissism.
A hummingbird parable! I absolutely loved this lesson. Learning by observation and relating it to our lives living with Narcissistic people.
My Grandma put up a feeder and their was one " scruffy" and she made sure to see him everyday and reported daily. It was adorable.
I had an aggressive set of hummingbirds that made a nest and had access to the feeder two feet away. I didn't know there were different kinds. They raised generations but that was their feeder.
I loved this video. I had the same problem with the hummingbirds. I completely understand what you are saying. Narcissists are such unhealthy and toxic people, that are bullies.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my narcissist Mom several years ago. We were talking about something, which I don't remember; however, I do remember what she said to me. She said to me, "If, something happens, I could survive, could you"? This was about 5 years ago. I'm 52 now. I actually told her probably not since she taught me no survival skills. She never taught me anything. I learned to drive at 22. She never taught me to cook. She never taught me anything. For narcissists, it's always about survival; theirs.
I was just talking about this with my therapist. They want us to be dependent on them, so they can continue to get supply from us. It's also convenient for them to use against us later, shaming us for not knowing, and reinforcing that dependence.
It is exactly the case. Because of one or two bullies everyone loses. We often reflexively enable the narcisist because we want others to benefit as well and since it’s never enough for the narcisist and they are bullying others, it’s painful and often detrimental for everyone else to engage in order to get anything- any breadcrumbs and the best way out is to cut everyone off. What a colossal waste on all possible fronts that is?! Sometimes the critical mass is just one narcisist in the position of power to bring the whole big social organisation down. It’s tragic.
Just like the world as a whole. Because of few greedy psychopaths everyone else loses
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. You words always ring so true and are so helpful. ...Now, on to hummingbirds. I did the same thing with my feeders as you did. I also tried everything. One day I told my daughter that I've emptied them in hopes that the bullies would move on. She looked at me and said, "Mom, why are you trying to control them? They will always fight and horde the feeders. It's just their nature. They're just being what they are." ...After pondering her words for bit, I realized that she was right. And these darn birds are exactly like dealing with a narcissist. So I moved them as far apart as I could (which wasn't far enough, of course) filled them, and let the birds be. Somehow the food does go down a little, though I don't know how the smaller birds are able to get anything at all or when because I've never seen them be able to eat. It still makes me mad to see the smaller ones getting picked on, but I'm no longer emotionally invested into a bossy bird's behavior. It is what it is, and the birds are somehow getting fed without my intervention.
Wow. You just gave me the perfect analogy for the demise of my business. I had a “wellness” business, which is a great “feeder” for narc supply, and I attracted a whole nest of narcs who gradually turned into an entire flock of flying monkeys. They triangulated a large percentage of my clientele. My business closed in October of 2020 - couldn’t survive a respiratory virus or recurrent shutdowns - and my response was to just walk away. I knew I couldn’t convince anyone who couldn’t see it for themselves, and I couldn’t be in proximity to a community I had nurtured for 7 years and lost due to these bully birds. I pulled stakes and walked away. That disappointed some people, but I had to take that chance. It’s been 4 years, and I’m still healing. My life is much smaller and quieter than it used to be, and I have a job that offers no narc supply, so I’m surrounded by normal people. It’s not the life I want, but it’s safe for now. Maybe someday it will feel safe to put the feeders out again and do the daily work of refilling them.
Omg that's do terrible. I'm sorry. Did anyone that got triangulated end up realizing and apologize etc?
@@Fleckyou911 no. They were very thorough.
@@rebeccajordan4491 :(
So very insightful. Thank you! Not enough people talk about the uncomfortable emotions that come along with having to abandon an entire dynamic in order not to get sucked back or feed into a narcissistic system.
This was beautiful, thank you.
I have had to leave all of my narcissists friends at one time just to save myself. I was 25 going through a dark period in my life and they would not respect my decisions of change and wanted to drag me down back into the old ways of life. I had to respect myself and my decisions enough to be able to break free, so I could be free to move forward to a better life. YES IT WAS HARD AND I FELT GUILTY but I had to do it for me. Or God knows where I would be now.
A really good way to explain the dynamics.
Preach! Your experience of dealing with the aggressive, territorial hummingbird correlates deeply with my personal experience as well.
That is why when you decide to cut off contact, you must cut off the whole group with the narcissists in it, including some of the nicer, better people. Otherwise they will still be able to spread rumors, do the smear campaign, play the victim, blame you for whatever that happens afterwards, and send the enablers to do their biddings.
If there are 2 actual good things that being in a narcissistic relationship taught me, that is:
1) It "forced" me to find Meditation, to turn within and take charge over myself.
2) It helped me to see the value of Being Alone, and the Peace that comes with it.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness of narcissism, as well as creating a community where people can more freely open up and share their personal experiences
I also have a hummingbird feeder and really enjoy observing my local population. The hummingbirds in my area seem to play fight but still take turns. I currently have a group of up to 10, but I know Cali is known for even more density of hummingbirds in some places. Please update us on the birds. I hope you're able to bring your more agreeable bird population back. I understand the feeling of grief when they go away. I felt that when they left after the July 4th smoke and fireworks. 😢 Now they are back, and I hope yours return too. I love hummingbirds. ❤
I FELT what You meant.. and bc of that I could understand it... thats a big thing, just to find words for what has happened.. we have lived in palindromic worlds... Thank You, dr Ramani❤
I watched your video while sitting in the back side of my house, in a camp chair. Listening to what you were saying I glanced at my feeders. All of them seemingly untouched! This makes so much sense, thank you! I do hear activity and have witnessed one or two hummingbirds being dive-bombed by these ones that are that are just slightly larger. They sound like a tiny version of the spaceships on Star Wars! I liked your video for its physical and metaphysical, or larger view.
The nice hummingbirds went No Contact. This was a great analogy. Growing up, I always fed the less aggressive ducks in the park. I didn't like the mean ones 😂 Took me longer in RL. Hope pulling their supply works Dr. Ramani ❤
When we're trying to learn or teach, the world will reveal a lesson. I love Mother Nature giving us an analogy and thank you for recognizing and sharing. Thought provoking ❤
Ohhh, Dr Ramani ❤❤❤😊 thank you!
You truly are an expert in this subject.
Don't forget that when the narc discards you, you will be the villain in every story. When she or he can no longer get any more milage from the first batch of stories.. they'll have to invent more.
Perfect analogy and reinforced information for me today. Thank you, and hope you get the non aggressive hummers back soon!
This is a great analogy. I am that enabler.
I was an enabler most of my life. It was the most bitter pill to swallow that all the times I thought I was helping people or fixing problems I was taking away their choices, responsibility and consequences which hindered their personal growth and learning.
@@ritatharp5238 Rita, this is the season that I have been going through for months. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but I am so grateful to have the available resources to unpack the layers of sludge that formed the thought patterns early in life.
I wish you well @@RobertSmith-on4qf
We saw this happen on our front patio. It was sad to watch as none of the others could get close to the feeder. We ended up taking all of them down because even the joy of watching the sweet,little birds was not there anymore.
I must admit i love the way, dr. Ramani used the humming birds as a example and how she used the humming birds as a way to better understand how narsistic people live and how they can never get enough and wanting more and more. Its sad to say but truth be told its never enough no matter how much we try and how hard we try and thats just heartbreaking for me. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I could not cut off my rufous hummingbird that I am still married to because there were children involved. Thanks to Doctor Ramani, I figured out a lot of his tricks. I am much healthier and happier than a few years ago and I do appreciate this gift. I don't care any more what the enablers think about me. I am staying in this marriage for now for various reasons that I will not discuss here. However, I managed to feed other hummingbirds and leave roufous one only drops. I hope he starves. Thank you, Doctor Ramani, for all the talking you have done. You are my life-saver and light-saber. Thank you.
Wow, I am so proud and happy that you are staying in this relationship to care for those that need you, with eyes wide open to the one that can wreak havoc. Amazing, God bless you and give you the strength and wisdom to continue to endure. I will put you in my prayer book. Rev Dee🛐✝️⚔️👑🩸♥️🙌
@@ashdee988 Thank you for encouraging words and especially for the prayers coming from your heart. I will pray for blessings for you also. Pax et bonum.
Oh boy, this describes the online communities that I have been apart of - eventually, all the nice people leave and there are only a handful of bullies left... (You might have one nice person staying around in the vain hope that more nice people will turn up, but it never happens.) It would be interesting to know if the nice birds started staying away from the feeders not just because the bullies kept them away, but that they learned to stay away and didn't bother going to them even if they appeared 'unguarded'. I've given up on certain online hobbies because of bullies and I can't get past the fear that if I try to start partaking in the hobby again that I will encounter more bullies (or even the same people.)
This makes so much sense. You’re right you’re not crazy! Thank you, Dr. Ramey this validates a stance I had to take just within the last couple of days. Thank you for your clarity of this condition, insights, and care for us. Who are dealing with these bullies.
First it so touches my heart hearing about your heart for these birds. Listening to your story I saw myself and the intricate dance I do to make everyone happy....that is supported my my need to care for everyone, make sure everyone is 'good'......and my hidden need to be loved back for this caring.
And that is my problem...the imprinting I received in childhood...that created a default mode of behaving that operates in the background of whatever is going on in my life.
And it does sometimes take the overly aggressive hummingbird's presence and behavior to wake me up to a problem...and my participation in it.
Thanks for this illustrative story.
Animals teach us so much when we pay attention. I thought this was a very insightful video. We try so hard only to be blamed or defeated in our effort when we try to outwit many bullies.
So nice, Dr Ramani is a birdwatcher. I get so much joy from watching the bird feeders too. I'm sorry to hear the bullies ruined it. Hummingbirds are so beautiful and special.
Thank You for all that you have done & continue to do to spread awareness on Narcissism. Your videos have helped more than you know! May you continue to be fruitful!
This woman is a gift to us all.
WOW, this video spoke volumes to me. As the enabler, I was blamed for the divorce by everyone because I left the family home. The N husband and father had been threatening divorce for years but because I finally left I was the cause of the divorce. Thank you for all you do. You have given me so much hope for my own personal peace of mind. 💞
It's great that Dr. Ramani's explanations have so much 'indirect' and pertinent value for objectively viewing certain politicians as examples of the narcissist dynamic. Nice metaphor for bullying for supply.
holy freaking S***!!!!!! my dad died 4 months ago and i’ve had a rufus hummingbird at my bird feeder since. ALL THE OTHER BIRDS WERE GONE & I kept calling the hummingbird my dad!!!!!!!!!
❤your work Doctor Ramani❤Hummingbirds❤the explanation it makes perfect sense and relates perfectly to parts of my life. Thank you for your insight.
You look beautiful, Dr. RAMINI! Thank you! You have changed my life!
Very interesting insight, Dr. Ramani! I love hummingbirds, like most of us do. However, it's amazing how nature resembles human behaviours, sometimes showing where they come from (in the human mammal, as I call it), sometimes just mimmicking the situation and bringing to us important lessons, insight, growth. We love you, Dr. Ramani! Keep sharing. Sending you a big warm hug from another survivor.
This was a huge light bulb 💡 moment for me and a huge lesson learned. Thank you 🙏❤️
Fantastic, fantastic illustration and realistization! It is very apt to how narcissism destroys.
All your videos are meaningful, Dr Ramani! Your words express what I could not articulate for more than half my life! Do you have any idea what peace you are bringing to people around the world? God bless you with love, peace, a good life!
Thank u so so much. I needed to hear this. Just ended, for good, a connection with my daughter in law who displays high on the spectrum of covert narcissism. The break from family started this past Christmas when she denied my son and family to visit because of unresolved issues. When I asked my son what issues, he replied with “ we have to have a serious conversation about the way you treat my wife”. I could see another round of abuse coming around to me and she was feeding my son with her words. He’s trapped with her and has been for some time but doesn’t or can’t see it. But I was done with the merry go round after years of her demeaning words and negative attitude at me. After studying through channels like this, I was finally able to say no to abuse and turn towards the love and light of my precious friends. To let go was extremely hard and I grieved. It looked like my son and I would be able to come back to an understanding but a situation arose 7 months later, just last week, where his special needs 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship was staying with me for a night.I have a good relationship with my grand daughter biological mother. The girl was over for one of the nights that she was with her mom. But the mom had gotten the dates wrong. And the narcissist step mom called and said she was coming to get her. Unbeknownst to me, she picked up my son and when they got to me I was once again accused of treating his wife badly. Before they came the granddaughter started to show signs of trauma over not having the right shoes on and not having an elastic in her hair, my heart sank as that spoke of signs of abuse. Earlier, just before she came to get the girl, the step mom had hung up on me. To say the least I wasn’t in the mood for being told I was being mean to her. So I called her out and said she’s the one. Well, all hell broke loose. Why this post was good for me to hear is I know I have to let go of this for my health and for peace. The guilt I had to move through was incredible as I am extremely attached to my gran daughter. I have to believe that my son will come around one day…the angst is over the young one that is trapped there. I told her mom I was concerned for her (dad who lives with narcissist has custody) and that I would support her if she wanted to get custody back. I just wanted to make it so I could see the little one but I feel that involvement may have caused more harm than good to her. So right…. No on wins with a persistent bully. I had to go through thoughts of did I do the right thing…. Etc etc. it’s been a week and I know I have to just let go of alll of them. I will not be abused anymore. Almost 70 years of some kind of abuse or another. Time for peace. It’s tempting to placate and make nicey nicey but it’s not peaceful in the long run. I see clearly that the step mom was seeking a way to get back in and feed some more. My words to her closed that door forever. My prayer is that my grand daughter will be safe and that my son will one day see the light on this very hard situation. He’s my only son and it grieves me deeply to see him hurting and to see signs of trauma for my grand daughter. She’s part First Nations and I did bring my concerns to her band. Still there is so much guilt to process. It’s hard. But enabling this sickness is not what I want to do. That will only perpetuate further abuse. So thank you for the humming bird story. It helps to know I am not alone with a highly empathic nature. Wicked are the ways of these people and our birthright is joy and happiness. That’s the journey for me anyway. Hard at times and ev3n harder at other times….But always there is hope. I am coming to see that I had to call her out to stop any further evolvement with her and her messed up mind. God be with anyone going through any level of this kind of torture. I pray for peace and seek joy… and trust that true guidance from my higher self will be there for me.
I needed to hear this, thanks Dr Ramani.
Today, I'm grieving, even trembling, bc of my narc relationship with my mother. I must learn to move past the brokenness and live my own separate life. There's wonderful people with which I have healthy loving relationships. I have a life worth living. Hello from Washington state 🌲 🌲🌲
Oh, Dr.! It's so funny! I went through the same thing! I realized Mother Earth is our greatest Master teacher, and Mother Nature holds the lessons we need to learn. Be blessed, and thank you for all your amazing work. ❤
This describes our society as a whole.... its frustrating 😔
Delightful analogy! Love it!
An incredibly powerful analogy Dr Ramani. I am understanding me more now, how I fear the flying monkeys and enablers that Pedestalize these abusive individuals. Growing up in and marrying into this abusive cycle, I brace! for the let downs and blows and when others believe their lies, it’s devastating to me. As Dr Carter says, I’ll have this emotional limp. You and this community are crutches and casts and I’m healing. r says, I’ll have this emotional limp. You and this community are crutches and casts and I’m healing.
This is a great analogy (and I happen to love birds too, we have feeders for our cardinals and jays). I am part of a blended family with a few very narcissistic individuals. Over the years, the only way I have been able to maintain relationships with the people I care about is to appease or dance around the narcs. So your example of constantly creating bird feeder work arounds is something I can understand 100%. Not only is it exhausting, I sometimes feel I have lost a part of myself (and my dignity) in the process. When you said "It's easier to blame the healthy person than the cause of the problem"...wow did that resonate. Every conflict I have had with these narcissists has ultimately been deemed my fault one way or another. Since grandchildren are involved I don't know if I can ever leave the situation, but I really appreciate this lesson you have shared.