After a messy divorce and continued skirmishes it was clear the stepfather figure was the bully and always called my dad a coward. I wanted to be neither
It reminds me what I told my father some months ago : "It's not a matter of being right or wrong, it is a matter of doing wathever can be done to make others happy or sad."
My covert N mother used to like to try to humiliate me in public with an embellished or entirely false story about me as a kid. The last time was an extended family dinner, and in the awkward pause where I was supposed to 'laugh along' or 'explode' instead, I just plainly said:"That did not happen." And ate my dinner. And in the excruciating silence that followed, my N Sis, suggested a version of the story that sort of made me look better, and I didn't bite, and someone changed the conversation. It's been six glorious years since I have had to put up with that bullshit. ✅️😅
@@marylourdes007 Ha, thank you Mary. Seeing comment rocked me for a sec - I had a very successful company called Goddess a number of years ago. I thought I had that posted somewhere. 🙂
@@johncasey1020 I literally can’t stand phone ripper outers!!! Phone ripper outers are a bizarre subset of public gaslighters. Its’s a huge visible signal that you are among a narcissist gaslighter. Great time to say goodbye, exit or my favorite “ I think you just answered your own question.” lol.
"Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices." ~French philosopher, Voltaire. Book:Questions sur les Miracles". Publication by Voltaire, 1765.
I was at the Dog Park and everyone was commenting on the heat and humidity. I chimed in, "It said on my car panel, on the way here, that it's 87 degrees, it's so early in the summer to be almost 90." A woman said, "It isn't almost ninety," and a grump next to her agreed. I deadpanned, "Well my car said it was 87, so take it up with my car." Everyone but the 2 jerks laughed and repeated, "Take it up with my car!" Later, as 4 of us were leaving, they were still laughing. Those moments when your comment, timing, and humor all come together are perfection!
I finally figured out that not only did I need to stick to the facts, I didn't need to prove the truth. State the facts. If challenged, state the facts in as close to the same words as you can. And they don't know what to do when you don't bite on things like, "Give me a specific instance." I don't have to give a specific instance for it to be true. "You know how bad your memory is." I remember this correctly. And so forth.
Thank you. The director consistently gaslighted me in our weekly "supportive" meetings for a small staff of 6 people. One memorable gaslight after she detailed qualities of the ideal candidate for hire, she then went on to describe someone (who sounded ALOT like me) as someone she would NOT hire. Advice: Deep breathing, a self assured smile, believe in karma, and never ever take the bait. Oh and I no longer work there:)
I feel like you are describing my workplace and my experience. Great advice. I always think to myself that the best way I can “stick it to her” is to not take the bait and not show any emotion just wear a casual smile and think about what I need to buy at the grocery store after work 😅 I actually think I confuse her at times!
I remember Queen Elizabeth saying this. But this quote ain't clear enough. Explanation/more information is required. It ain't clear which side is supported. This particular sentence can be used by everyone trying to defend themselves. Most readers don't know about Queen Elizabeth's expression. She had a lot to defend. What are you really trying to say? 😘❤❤❤ PS. I'm sorry for putting your reaction on the spot. I just felt obligated to point this out. Please correct me if I misunderstood.
@amsterdampigeon2103 When someone tries to gaslight me in public, I just quote the Queen. It can end that round of the game. To say to a gaslighter Recollections may vary, effectively deflects that verbal attack. Once, during a phone call, I simply repeated, "That's not necessary. " I'm under no obligation to explain or defend my simple statement. My list included, "That's not any of my business. " and "That's really not any of your concerns."
@@JadeyHad Someone told me years ago, it's like a game of cricket, just let some go thru to the wicket-keeper. You don't have to hit every ball that comes at you. Sometimes I'll get a smartalec or sarcastic comment from one of my brothers,esp. I just ignore & he'll say loud,out of embarrassment,- she didn't even get it or hear it, I say "no ,i just let it go thru to the wicket-keeper!" Lol ;) ignore it,don't give them airtime!
Indeed. In a group of men, there is always one man who asks me what I did this weekend. He knows I don’t like to say EVERYTHING about my private life, but he keeps on asking me in these team calls. I don’t know how to shut him down.
Yeah that's why you shouldn't bother especially since usually it's always about something not worth even knowing nor do you care about, and if you must don't even check it around them because they'll know you're still impressionable enough to get to you like that even a little bit, just do it when you get back home but i guarantee it's not gonna be worth your time still and the worry and stress. I stopped telling anyone anything about my life even other family members this being one of the reasons it's ammo for these people and the majority of people on both sides are narcs, and if i have to i keep it super undetailed and the answers simple and short as possible and if i don't have to talk to them i won't because i know i can't trust to tell them anything sad but true. Now with social media people have learned how to use information against people better so you have to put up those boundaries and honestly i'm much better off without those too because it prevents the smallest things being used against me that doesn't even mean anything and people did even when i decided to try and keep things completely casual noop i still wasn't allowed lol If you know what is true inside yourself then why are you worried? if you don't know that then why does it even matter? don't even get into the game of constantly checking just incase a narcissist might use it against you. Nooo because that's still them pulling you into a petty competitive situation and they'll turn the smallest thing into a competitive situation it's nuts and that's why they pull you into checking don't check trust me. What i went through recently in an online game they had me constantly checking the online player list to see if they're there even when they were anonymous or of course they were already there lol but i was checking every hour i was online but it was just a lot of stress and a wasted time. How i pulled myself out of that i just got the anguish out of my system and then all that tension dissipated and suddenly a shift happened and they could no longer bother me anymore. Then i learned how to go along with the vibe of other people which is peaceful nobody else wants to bother me, and to grey rock the narcs by just being myself and saying nothing i just chill, and i take a few more breaks and not even paying attention to what any players are doing i do something else. The same thing would work with people in real life because it's about training your focus anywhere else except only on what you're doing so then you can easily pull yourself away from needed. These narcissistic people will try and try to pull you in especially appealing to the competitiveness in all of us but we realize this isn't good competitiveness and honestly they're sore losers and why they do it but nobody is winning or losing anything them acting like this there's only a lot to lose. Don't play their game and put your emotions and energy on far better things and just having fun🙂❤
I've found the best way to deal with that is just say "not obsessing, just proving that you were wrong" and then walking off and not giving them a chance to say anything else
It’s a good idea, but usually and unfortunately, not that great to use anything remotely even minuscule next to “humor” to make a point because they just make it cave in. By making it look like you’re caving in.
Never let the narcissist see you sweat. They want a fight, they want to humiliate you, they want the center of attention. By your silence and ignoring the nonsense, you show them and everyone else that you're confidant and stronger than they thought. Try it!
I was at a family gathering at one of my sisters' house- food wasn't provided,we were all ordering pizza & nothing was happening. I knew a place that was cheap but very good pizzas. I organised the pizzas to be delivered, collected the money, etc. I asked for a gourmet pizza over the phone, said it the proper French way. (goor-may). My 2 narc sisters started to mock me by imitating the way I pronounced it loudly, laughing & sniggering,elbowing each other to humiliate me, right across table from me,they kept it going for ages. I did not react at all bc I was working on greyrocking these 2 narcs. The next day I sent them each a voice-over of how to correctly pronounce "gourmet" in the French language,since it is a French word. They both don't even know French & think bc I didn't say "gor-may", like they do, then I must be wrong. I never heard any reply from either but felt their invisible shame & embarrassment from afar, lol. I have not been in the same room with both since then. Blocked the instigator( Queen narc), limited contact with the other. This is a decades long habit with them but has gotten progressively worse since our mother,our last parent of 6 children, died. Don't react right then, whenever you are contradicted publicly, that is what they want. They really thought they were correct when they were really showing how ignorant they were. Touchè! 😂
I was having major problems with a group of narcs in a game and after learning stuff about them and how mirroring works it just immediately clicked why everyone else socializes the way they do and why they don't seem to interact much with others, because obviously we don't know each other and isn't safe to just throw ourselves into interacting with just about anyone. So people just tend to float around coexisting with others but not in so many words the very fact they leave others alone not causing harm though says enough. By observing this i realized they do this as a kind of weird boundary against any nefarious people to keep them out which is totally a method of "grey rocking" but it's incorporated into how people socialize in general, yeah yeah i've got it now🤔and i immediately started doing this to the narcs and it's hilarious because they don't know WHAT to do with themselves *snigger* 😆They did try a few more times to get me to react but because the change happened internally too i'm so beyond at peace now. The guy mainly responsible for it all he appears sore too because soon after we bump into each other he leaves bwhaha "grey rocking" truly is a magical ability DO IT. My only qualm with it is people do take it a bit too much to the extremes because every now and then at least once a day we need to get the blood flowing a bit we can't stay inconspicuous and boring all the time, but people do and it's frustrating for someone like me who likes a challenge and needs that intellectual stimulation. I mean sure to some extent they do too? but they get too much into habit of it and scared of making things more interesting. Meanwhile there's poor me bouncing up and down when i get an energy spike gagging for a challenge lol good lord okay grey rocking works it does but too boring now pffff you're alright people but i need to go find a challenge lol, if some days i just want to be still you know where i'll be but i can't exist like that all the time, if you get what i mean?.
thankyou for this label of GASLIGHTING late in my life. I was so vulnerable to gaslighting in my advertising career. (childhood abuse damage) so I worked 150% and stood silent on the quality of my work. now I get what happened one year as public gaslighting. .I had worked very hard on a campaign look, and I was chosen to lead a campaign for Xmas for a MAJOR retailer. a. massive honor and accomplishment for me. my name was intentionally not mentioned by management while the campaign was publicly reviewed to hundreds of outside resources (who worked with me) I was smoldering the longer the event went on. late in the presentation my name was mentioned in passing and the room interrupted and applauded in my support. as you say it was a GIFT from my colleagues. . and I am forever grateful.
I was called that by some discord admins that ran a server of a Popular Creator before on top of speaking ill half-truths and lies about me! good to know they will use ANY tactic ti get what thy want sooooo if any of them see this... they better watch their back because Defamation is a SUEABLE offense even across state lines
I've started saying, "If that's what you want to believe, that's your choice." with the flying monkeys gaslighters. They get frustrated that they are not getting me to react.
Yes, this is really good and helpful. Tried it twice with two different people in two different situations and immediately they let go and latched on to someone else who was responsive and did engage and tried to convince them. Afterwards I talked to people very close to me and they also said, that they realized what douchy people these guys were. So I think these people out themselves as being bad sooner or later, so you don't have to put in the work to convince them that you're right. I encourage everyone to give it a try 😍
This was huge! Really hit home for me. My Ex would say crazy, petty, untrue this about me in public. By the end of our marriage of 18 years I did feel like I acted crazy sometimes in trying to defend myself, it was so painful and destabilizing.
It truly is painful and destabilizing. And that is their ultimate goal - to weaken us. I'm glad you're not with him anymore and I hope you've found the peace of mind you deserve.
I absolutely relate to that. Same thing happened with my ex, and I had no sense of mooring to deal with it. Many years elapsed before I was able to recognize what he did and forgive myself for being such a fool. So glad we can come away from these situations stronger and better equipped.
Years ago I lived in a (different) small town that had a large church that would host a community dinner once a month. Sometimes the dinner was a potluck and you brought a dish and sometimes the dinner was provided by the church. The church had large tables that would seat 12 people. I was sitting at one of the tables having a conversation with another woman. A third woman came and sat at the table, and started interrupting the conversation to gaslight me. I said "yeah okay whatever" to her more times than I can count on both hands. And return to the conversation with the other woman. The last time she interrupted I turned and looked at her and said "honey the adults are talking" and then looked away. She stopped interrupting
exploited by who? you and Allah? you and all your gods you know and imaginations and dwindled down to a Narc and innovation? please tell me about getting exploited. you cant even do the Quran and you live inside it .
One of the things that made me most proud of myself and was very healing was when one family member tried to shame another who was absent and I spoke up and told the truth of the situation. It felt so good to shut down the abuse - the gaslighter stated that the topic wasn't important and changed the subject, but I felt so much better not just listening to them holding court and spreading lies about someone I care about.
I stuck up for a family member who was being traumatized because of a small petty thing she did. I wasn't going to rake her over the coals because nobody is perfect. They tried to get me to go after her and I said no. What about forgiveness but they didn't want that.
Hell, I don't know you and I'm proud of you! I admire you standing up for the other person and not letting that toxic BS spread any further! Well done! 😃
@@KathieMihindukulasuriya My sister gossips and wants to know details of other siblings' lives while they are out of the room. I said "I dont feel comfortable talking about other people when they aren't here." Well, 10 minutes later at this family meeting, she was screaming into my face insulting me. I had a panic attack right there in front of everyone. I have not spoken to her since and just do not turn up wherever she is. Blocked her phone number. This has been going on for 50 years so I think I've been very forgiving. You can forgive and still choose not to be around the person. I hope she gets help for her problem. Those type of narcs can't stand having no opportunity to gaslight & bully others... She is still asking another sibling when was the last time he had contact with me. He just says I can't remember,lol.She is using him as a flying monkey. I had to tell him, don't tell her a thing about my life.
When I was in high school my mom would tell me every week she was doing laundry and I'd give her my bed sheets. One day she decided to experiment with my undiagnosed adhd and see what happened if she didn't remind me. Being a busy teen it took 4 weeks. Every person I introduced to her after that got gleefully warned I was so slovenly I once hadn't changed my sheets for a whole month, imagine that! After 3 decades of this I finally interrupted her in front of our family to remark offhand if she was really going to trash me over and over again in public with that tired old story (that happened one time a million years ago), she could just go ahead and bask in whatever glory it gave her. Never heard it again.
Wow. Your Mom knew that sheets on an occupied bed under her roof, hadn't been through her laundry for four weeks? What a neglectful home and family manager. You can't blame a child for that, even a teen. She's the one who owns the mattress and the sheets and the house. She's the one who made the choice to be slovenly. Not to mention, she just could have been decent to you, her child. Hugs, dear.
When my MIL recited an embarrassing story from my husband's childhood (again!) my son piped up "that must have been decades ago - you're not very forgiving are you Grandma?!" 🤭 Proudest moment!😅
I will use those in the future, when my mother starts trying to embarass me again. Or somwone else, like her best friend. Poor guy, they have been friends for decades, and she will not forgive him that one mistake, must have been 35 years ago: she was sick and he wanted to do her a favor and get some groceries. So she wrote a list, including her favourite ready to eat frozen meal (something with noodles and brokkoli). He went to buy the groceries and came back with canned ravioli instead of her meal. Not once did she concider, that maybe her meal was sold out, or he could not find it or anything alike for some reason, and then, maybe he decided to buy ravioli instead, knowing that would not go to waste (he loves ravioli). I would do it like that, if calling her for a plan b was not an option. She never thought of it, she never once asked him what he thought in doing that. She just assumed he had been too dumb and lazy to read properly and started insulting him for it and never stopped.
@@earlgreyt123 Oh my goodness! I got a chuckle imagining a child look at grandma's face when he called her out! Did your husband look shocked or have a smirk that he had to hide?? Good for you; you raised a son who's not afraid to point out the hypocrisy of trying to embarrass his father over a worn out decades ago 'story slam'.
I have used "These are my experiences, not yours" with great effect before. I have learned to not participate on conversation in public when my husband is around. He tends to love to correct me and make me look dumb if I chime in any information. When I go out, I tend to leave him at home!
If a person has to devalue another person to show their value, they are announcing they have no value. That and of itself shut them down once it’s pointed out to those who are not aware.
The problem is most people in a group settings are such clueless cowards, they don't care if a victim is being subjected to gaslighting. They just care they aren't the target of gaslighting so ignore it. If a few people in the group were brave enough to step in, the narcissist would no longer have "power".
Hello Wow !!! I'm gonna remember that !!! Fantastic and so true when you think about it. Will find a way to express that idea..especially with my brothers or sisters..so prone to put me down with that technique. Wow ! Thanks 🙏
I’ve been gaslit at various times over my life, but the comment I’m here to make is how how absolutely lovely Dr Ramani looks! 😇. Just wanted to give an unsolicited compliment & I hope it’s not inappropriate.
Absolutely agree with Dr. Ramani... Healing begins when you can stop someone from having power over you.. This is something I personally need to work on.. I think it's worth the effort..
This video clarifies something that has been bothering me for decades. There is a friend who I am uncomfortable with and I get that “she is a narcissist” feeling about her. The thing is, everybody loves her and rave about what a kind and generous person she is. Which is true on the surface, but the snarky and arrogant things that she says to me in private, and in public, which are couched as “advice” make my skin crawl. I refuse to have anything to do with her and my friends just don’t get it. This came up recently as I turned down a gathering to avoid being around her, and I was wondering what is wrong with me. Oops, I have forgotten to trust my spidey sense about covert and disguised narcs. Thanks so much.
I had a friend like this. It was like everyone wanted their acceptance so badly that they could do no wrong. I didn’t pander to them and suddenly I stopped getting invited to things and other friends slowly disappeared. I think this person knew I saw right through them and so made sure I was out of the group. Oh well. I refuse to put up with that kind of toxicity and if the others just followed their lead they weren’t really my friends anyway
My Mother in law does this. And many of my husband's relatives. I avoid their gatherings and disappear to garden or run errands if they turn up at our house. A friendly "Hello" and then I'm doing my super-busy person impression. I have a very unhappy marriage anyway - that I will hopefully be able to leave one day.
Thank you! I am going to be that 2nd party fact checker when I see someone else being gaslighted in public. (When appropriate…I’ve learned we have to pick our battles.) Pay if forward, this is the gift I would have so appreciated in the past.
This is true. Once on a train I saw a guy making a woman sitting near him very uncomfortable. I wanted to say something, but I was scared, and didn't know what to do. So I froze and stayed quiet. Afterwards I read an article which suggested, going up to the woman, pretending that you recognised them from college, and asking them if they wanted to get a coffee. The article adviced not confronting the abuser, but rather focusing offering their victim, a way to walk away. Also if you don't feel able to do that, then to record the situation on your phone, and let the police know you have a video of the incident. For confronting men in your friend group. The most effective way is to say, "Those comments you made to her. Not cool. You made her feel really uncomfortable." That's it, don't make it a big deal, and don't exclude them from the group, unless they show they keep doing it.
Thank you. I know it's hard for men too, and I SUPER THANK every and any man who took the risk to stand up for someone smaller, or weaker, or just because another human had need. I've asked men for help, and I'm very grateful for that help. I'm a great worker in equality for all citizens. AND I also know that there's nothing like male hormones, to exert authority or control other male hormones.
@@sarahf.1036 My sister's husband was screaming at her when my husband was at their house helping with some repairs. My brother-in-law said to my husband something to the effect of an apology; my husband told him "...quit yelling at your wife; you're wrong to do that; what you're screaming about is something you did, so fix it...". My sister was shocked; nobody ever spoke to her husband like that. She was surprised her husband actually shut up.
Public gaslighter at a dinner party!! Happened once to me and then the second time they went back for more! Hell no! I got up from my seat, walked around to her and told her face to face. She shut down immediately! “Forgive me, forgive me!!” She said as she raised her hands shaking. Yes! The dinner party gaslighter was clocked. Was shut down. Was addressed by me, the target. A huge power shift happened that night when the power shifted to me. It felt uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to destabilizing someone else. Why would I?? I’m a peaceful person, but now she knows. She knows. Two more dinner parties since then and she’s never tried it again. Victory! 🙌
Oh my, the gaslighting in public scenario drives me up the wall as this is a favorite from the family playbook. When called out, the response (of course) is horror that I’m selfish and “ruined” the gathering. I still take the bait once in a while despite knowing they want a reaction and enjoy their passive-aggressive games. It really is true that no one feels more entitled to use and abuse you than “family.” Ugh 🙄
"If someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, I shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone: the harm is to persist in one's own self-deception and ignorance." ~Marcus Aurelius🗿. Book:Meditations: A New Translation
Stoic Philosophy was Marcus Aurelius' thing; he was the "last of the five great emperors" of the Roman Empire. Your quote of his is much the opposite of a narcissist's credo but, but it's a great reminder (and boost to confidence levels) for those who are learning to successfully cope with, survive, and 'be victorious' over narcs in their lives. Thanks for the quote.
I was that person. I refused to hold court with narcissists and stayed out of their fray. Never mind the extremely narcissistic husband I was blind to, but that’s another story. I could point it out in others and avoided or redirected their attempts to gaslight the group when I could. It gained me no public friends but lots of secret admirers and the respect of those that got sucked in easily. My “No thanks” was so frequent, the ex managed to get me to rethink saying it so much - with disastrous results for me. I’m back to trusting my intuition and avoiding messy people, even if it means being lonely for the time being. Lonely is much better than stressed TF out or doubting my sanity.
It's weird to me, how many people are willing to stand by and watch gas lighters in action, or join in, or just pretend it's not happening -or afterwards pretend it never happened at all. I've experienced what you have. Myself, I'm very much alone in the world, but it seems a heavy price to pay just because you're not willing to let yourself be abused... Or because the truth is important enough to not actively seek out under the carpet. It makes me wonder if there are actually any good people in the world. And if there are, where are they?
@justme9818 Usually gaslighters have strategically insinuated themselves into a group so when they pick you as their victim, they know they will not be questioned and are just waiting for us to mess up. They always have an agenda for what they do and plan well ahead. It's insane.
@@justme9818Thank you for your comment. I feel the same way. I hope you meet a decent person or two to socialize with sometime. Miracles happen, safe people are out there somewhere.
There’s something very liberating in knowing other languages other than the language of your emotional triggers. English is the 4th language I learned, therefore, it doesn’t trigger any deep emotions in me and I can actually speak my mind freely! It is truly liberating! Of course, I’m very polite when shutting down a gaslighting vampire because the energy from the message is direct and to the point without the emotional side effects. I don’t often speak my native language but what I’ve noticed also is that as a result of speaking several languages the words of which don’t trigger my emotions, I’m able to overcome my emotional triggers (most of the time) in my native language! The brain is a marvellous thing!
Interesting, in my case it only affects how I am perceived (e.g. my tone sounds more composed and I do not swear). My emotional triggers stay the same.
Yeah, I'm not willing to take one for the team anymore. I'd rather be far, far away from the belittlers & gaslighters than have it be a requirement to spend time with other people who wouldn't do that on their own. Groups often are quick to have the back of the toxic person. I'm not willing to take the toxins to ease their comfort.
"The truth will set you free".... Very helpful. I always smile and just say 😊"Anyway" or just walk away. You must observe and never absorb the situation. I've learnt so much. Thank you so much Dr Ramani❤❤❤
I take two approaches 1. I say, "your recollection may need to be quality checked", then it puts the onus on them to prove it's validity. 2. I just stare at them and say nothing until they walk back their lie, change the subject, or walk away. With a narcissist, this causes injury to them, so read the circumstances and the room. I've found these techniques to be very effective.
When I am publicly gaslighted I tell the gaslighter, "Show us your proofs." They will typically decline to find real data to support their gaslighting lies so the second stage of my response will be "Then we agree to disagree." And if the gaslighter continues to gaslight I disengage as gracefully as possible, I walk away and from that point on I will avoid the gaslighter.
Well when I asked one guy to give me a source for his claims he called me quote unempathic. What astonished me was not the fact that he did that but that the group around him who was hypnotized by his monopolized monologue (this was not supposed to be a lecture but just a fireplace hangout/meet) proceeded to criticize me for quote -attacking- him. That day really made me a misanthrope around groups of people, they are just as sick as the leader himself. Really, narcissist wouldn't be able to do any evil if not for the enablers around them...
Man, Marshmallows really are the worst. Sir, do you have proof for that, sir?! What? Do. You. Have. Proof?! Why is everybody leaving? Can't you see he's a master manipulator?!?
Love this topic! My advice would be to invite more librarians to your parties. There is nothing that a librarian Loves more than a good fact-check. It is a point of professional pride and they are non-threatening about calling out misinformation. And they’re generally fun people.
One thing I have done with a narcissist here lately, and I’m going to try and implement more, it’s just saying “ why are you acting weird?” Lol. Or “ don’t make it weird”. Because I’m looking back at some of our conversations that have made me feel uncomfortable, and I’m realizing it’s because they have been acting in a way that nobody else would act. It makes it feel like it’s you, in the moment. But afterwards, when you analyze it and realize nobody else acts the way they do, well now you know it’s them and they are being weird. Especially when they are acting out to try and get attention.
Haha i just came to the same conclusion of focusing on the fact nobody else acts this way and won't do these things to people they just want to chill and get along with others in peace and harmony. So i've sort of anchored myself to that and it's seriously eased my social anxiety truly realizing that after years of struggle and confusion a peace has washed over me🙂still a lot to learn about how to socialize and how to navigate different situations though but this is a good start indeed. Also recognize how the way people socialize they're always using "grey rocking" as a defense against any nefarious people that may be around it's like it's being used as some sort of boundary. It's why from the outside they seem super mundane and boring but really? are they? lol. I'm still adjusting to this because since day 1 of my life i always had it in my head people were so freaking boring i just didn't get it and while yes the way it looks and feels is always going to feel super weird but understanding the reasons i think i can go along with this just fine. I'm just not used to how still people are being because the people around me and the relationships they formed with me i'm used to them being so reactive, dysregulated, and emotionally intense like so much stress. Although i don't know how most people have always naturally got this while some of us spend a long time not understanding.
I really like that one. It's the first one I've read that actually makes me feel better... Like I'd actually feel strong afterwards instead of punched in the guts. Thanks!
the problem with watching DoctorRamani's videos is that I always have to go meditate afterwards to calm down and debrief, because her examples are so creepily and eerily spot on to the experiences of the narcissistic abuse I've had to endure as somebody with a traumatic brain injury. Her videos are undeniably important and undeniably hard to watch.
Look at it through an intellectual lens and as a challenge to learn about yourself, about others, and all the different behaviors and patterns in people's behaviors. It's so common these days if not all of us have been effected by these people because we have been harmed by these people everywhere we've been it's why so many people have mental health issues. We humans behave, think, perceive things, and feel in a lot of the same ways because genetically we're almost the same especially our mammal sides so it seems creepy and eerie as if they can see into our souls but it's not and people have spent centuries learning everything they can about every species on our planet. They're human too and from experience know what it's like too having gone through the same things it's just learning to put words and feelings to things that's the hardest and you won't know some emotions you were or are feeling or even know what you actually needed to know until you find that out. I'm still pretty shocked about the revelations i have as i steadily go through all this from different channels and i reflect, observe, and feel myself and my emotions but at the same time already knowing how neglected we all are these days not so shocked it just wasn't what i expected to things to seem like. You've got to keep a level head with these things because you have to go through a great deal of reflection and observation while listening to yourself and learning.
It's so hard, isn't it.. I found her videos after I'd already done a lot of work on narcissistic abuse, so they don't trigger me as badly as they might have done a year ago. But the conflict between necessary education and unavoidable trigger is still a big deal for me. It's awful. Trauma is often so undersupported, it's a hard road. I wish you good luck.
I find her videos to be empowering, shifting focus and energy to what I will do NEXT time in a similar situation. By detaching from the negative emotional charge of the gaslighting and turn it inside out to a positive and empowering "future reaction file, " you are no longer mentally and emotionally rehearsing the painful event, but rather an empowering potentially likely future event, armed with self-worth and a greater sense of inner peace.
Oh my! You mentioned narcissistic characteristic traits that I recognized in myself. 😮 So humbling! In a nutshell, my problem was pointing a finger at everybody else and not taking responsibility for my own actions and mistakes! Humbling oneself is so difficult but truly rewarding in the long run and life changing! Main reason is because I am no longer a victim but instead a victor! 💐
Not all the time. For example you've just eaten in a five star restaurant and then for whatever reason you go on social media trying to smear the guy saying his restaurant serves the worst food they've ever had. That is an opinion, not defamation. Now calling him a pedo or saying he's trafficking children. That's defamation.
Friend at the table: “Woah, woah, woah…if this person is adamant about where you and your family have been but ‘wasn’t there’, I wouldn’t give them any hints about where ya’ll are going next. 👀”
58 year old here with an older brother that's a narcissist. Finding your videos have been life changing, no exaggeration. LIFE CHANGING. As recent as today in fact. My tactic is doing what you taught me and that is simply- not engaging. Prior it took my months, even over a year (the last time) to get over his verbal abuse and if anything he's now even worse than before. As you've before it gives us power and not engaging allows me to move on and not ruminate endlessly. THANK YOU for your work!
what stuns me about your example is the people surrounding the gaslighter and the victim go along with it and make the victim feel unsure of themselves for defending themselves instead of noticing, jumping in and pointing out the abuser. I got so used to that i had thought nothing of it
A get together with my brother’s family and my family for lunch at a restaurant, and my brother blindsides me by telling everyone I was sick EVERY Christmas growing up. In shock at him bringing up such a weird topic out of the blue and the falseness of his memory, I immediately started defending myself and my truth. My memories of childhood sicknesses were more like him and my dad ganging up and taunting me for “faking it.” I am very grateful I know what narcissism and gaslighting are now and how to handle it all, thanks to Dr. Ramani.
My colleague once accused me in front of a group of friends that I never tried to help her find a job when she was looking for one. I was shocked because I knew I did. I searched our messenger conversations to show her how I offered her help at least twice and she then rejected it. Of course, I looked as a lunatic in front of the group and she stayed cool. Of course she trivialised it and said she was joking or something. I felt awful. Now, I try not to engage in conversations with her.
My ex used to try to tell everyone when we went to a get-together that he made all the money and I spent all the money. So I would say yeah I spend money on you know those crazy things like the mortgage, electricity, food.... He wanted to have a big fancy pickup truck. I was fine with the Expedition that we had. Well we ended up buying a Ford F-350 dually. $800 a month (this was 2006). Our mortgage at the time was $950. So we were at a party and he pulled his patented I make all the money and she spends all the money. My reply was yeah I spend money on crazy things like mortgage, food, electricity... that big truck that you had to have. HE NEVER SAID IT AGAIN! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The Covert N I had the misfortune of meeting up there in Northern Utah, said to me, shortly after meeting her, " as time goes on, and you get to know me, you're going to find out I don't have very many friends, I'm not the easiest person to get along with " . Over time, she lied to me, lied to my children , smear campaigned me all over town lied to one of her co-workers about me, treated me like Crap , horribly abusive on a long distance drive , made sudden and unexpected misleading incredibly snarky and hurtful shaming comments to me and about me in front of folks that she Knew were friends of mine , like she was trying to Weaponized my own friends and Lord it over me, except her hurtful statements were patently false and deliberately misleading, etc. her initial caution to me Was the Understatement of the Year ! People Trust your Intuition, Always trust your deepest gut instincts and gently But firmly Hold Your Ground ! You Don't have to Explain ( if you don't want to ) and apologize to No One ! Your Truth Is Your Truth !
I'm sorry you were abused by her. I was also in a relationship with a guy with NPD, who did the same thing, the pre-warning about his behaviour. It's like abusive people know that they are the problem, so they allude to it, so if their victim sticks around, the abuser thinks, "It's their own fault for staying with me, after I told them what I'm like".
I work as a guide at a manor with a long history. Sometimes guests say things or make comments about the history of the place that is incorrect. I usually correct them in a very polite way. Some of them go on insisting that they know best, but after giving my answers 2 to 3 times I just keep on looking vaguely polite and saying "oh thats interesting " and so on. Very much not engaging ( because why should I? They're free to believe what ever they want) But what's amazing is how this makes some people SO MAD! Of course this isn't them gaslighting me, they're just stupid people. But the non-engaging technique is very useful in many situations 😊
It can totally be gaslighting. Many people will straight lie about how sure they are when you correct them because they cannot stand the “shame” of being wrong. In service situations though, I just let ‘em act like I’m wrong until they feel like they puffed themselves up enough, and then move on calmly like ain’t nothing happened. Most the people observing the situation are aware that the gaslighter was displaying bad manners and probably blowing smoke. They are on the tour to listen to you, the professional guide. No one cares what some attention seeking chatterbox has to say, and there’s no need for you to pretend to care either- it just keeps the gaslighter going on and on; wasting all the polite clients’ time. ❤ Who knows? Maybe those polite clients will show their appreciation for you rkeeping the train on track by leaving bigger tips 😁
I’ve had this done to me publicly over some very silly stuff. I didn’t realize it though. I lacked awareness about this whole topic and thought the persons memory was literally failing them. By the end of it everyone was laughing, except the persons father, who said “Don’t let him do you like that.” I still have a hard time understanding what enjoyment these people get out of behavior like this. I struggle to understand ANY of it - motivations, results, reasons. I struggle to even recognize it while it’s happening, but in retrospect I can see the absurdity of the situation. So weird! Why are people so weird! I don’t play games like this with people. It’s so foreign to me.
It's unclear to me who the father said “Don’t let him do you like that.” If he said it to his son then I can see why the son is the way he is. If the father said that to you then to me it sounds like the father is somewhat of a decent person and that would make me wonder how the son is the way he is.
What clicked for me and is the easiest way to recognize narcissistic people is learn about Mimicking and Mirroring and you've seen they constantly have this switched on all the time they're always doing it. Even down to your physical tick's and habits they'll mimic and reflect it back to you by doing it just to either love bomb you to gain your trust and make you feel so loved and accepted, and then twist it around to be jerks for no reason using it against you by constantly doing it even when there's nothing wrong about it. They'll make people think there is something wrong with it. When talking to them they may repeat back to you everything you said or join into the conversation and pretend they're actually interested in what you're talking about, maybe instead use it with other people taking it away from you and passing it off as their idea or what they thought of. If they know something about you they'll pretend to like it too when they don't just to hurt you with it. They may try to copy everything else too because all they want to do is devalue and be destructive it just depends how far they want to go with it and the level of crazy. Lastly most people wouldn't do this to you and try to make you think it isn't what it is everyone else just leaves people alone and want to coexist, and it's why they incorporate "grey rocking" into the way they socialize with people to keep these people out. Anyone who does that knows exactly what you meant and will even try to get you to "prove yourself" and may try to turn the smallest thing into a competition to try and pull you in but don't take the bait just focus on the general vibe and energy of other people. If people want to believe them and join in let them because you know they don't know you and you don't know them like why do you care? there's no attachment there and almost always will they affiliate themselves with a group of other narcissists so those making fun of you too are probably like them too you'll want to stay away from that.
When I brought up a problem with the narcissist I was in a relationship with, he'd say, "That didn't happen", then 2 minutes later he'd say, "The only reason that happened was because you ..." Then he'd accuse me of something I didn't do. I didn't understand how a grown man could invent a lie on the spot, and claim it was true. Then I read more, and found that people with personality disorders, confabulate and "remember" things which didn't happen. Their memories always put them in the right, and blame other people. DARVO is the term for this: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In narcissists memories, they are always the victim, and the people they abuse is always the Offender who attacked them.
This is the motto I came up with when it comes to dealing with, and reacting to, Narcissists: Never explain. Never defend. Put it back on them. Although they live to make you think otherwise, it's never about what you said or didn't say, nor what you did or didn't do. It's about what THEY said and did. For instance, with public gaslighting, I find that it works quite well to simply say, "What an odd thing to say." (put it back on them) Then, walk away like you see someone you know and would rather talk to, or immediately start a conversation with someone else at the table. If they try to engage you again, ignore them. And, as Dr. Ramani says, if they won't leave you alone, you can always head for the exit.
@@spedding120 Very true. Being prepared, even rehearsing, makes a big difference in how we react. Helps me stay in control of a situation. I like your "that's your opinion" one-liner, because they state things as factual to throw us off balance. Downgrading what they say to "opinion" lets them know they can't pull one over on us, hoping we believe their lie and doubt ourselves.
When a toxic person realizes you cannot be controlled, that person will try to control how others see you. But stay above it, knowing that soon others will see the truth about that person, just like you did.
@@karibennett3532 The moment I realized that I am no longer angry with that toxic person, that was the moment I knew I am over with that relationship. Now it is time for some else to learn the same lesson I did.
What a great video. My boss used to gaslight me and I had no idea it was happening. And he did it in front of a company executive. Such a soul destroying experience.
THANK YOU! I've wondered for YEARS what the difference between lying and gaslighting is, or even the difference between gaslighting and having two valid differing opinions arguing. THIS clears it up! Years ago I was accused of being a gaslighter for having a strong differing opinion as to what happened at an event. I never accused to opposing view as being crazy, just that they were mistaken. When I was accused, it shut me down. I had to double check myself. Was strongly insisting on my opinion gaslighting? Now I know the answer. Thank you so very very much.
Spot on. Sometimes just being seen is the biggest intervention of all. And next time don’t go to dinner with the gaslighting narcissists. Thank you so much dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤
The best put down in that situation is to just smirk and say “Bless!” and then turn your attention away from them, and carry on talking to another guest.
This came at the perfect time as I am enduring public gaslighting at work with my boss as well as some other colleagues. Dr Ramani you put this together so well because the gaslighters make it look like you’re the crazy incompetent one when they are just trying to shift the blame from themselves. The unfortunate part is that working for “corporate America” the leaders seem to want to side with the gaslighter/narc. It’s a “no win” situation and is emotionally draining and exhausting with constant anxiety and sleepless nights.
The best methods ive come across for dealing with gas lighters in public are: 1. Proving the gaslighter wrong 2. Ignoring the gals lighter's gas light 3. Playing dumb, and asking them dumb questions until they out themselves (socratic method)
After many many years - I know my sister gaslighted me for many years. But there was one situation that I was feeling very guilty about - as I said something to her for once that wasn’t that nice but pointed something out in front of someone- it was truthful - she turned to me put me down and was vile in her tone- BUT I’ve just realised, that I was saying the truth and she did it again. Last 4 years I have felt guilty … thank you. You made me realise what happened with your explanation - thank you
My sister, older by 2 years, does the public gaslighting/duping/baiting/shaming/defaming/discrediting/out-casting & there has been no relief during my lifetime (60+ years) . . . My dad does it as well, & is slightly craftier in his technique . . . My mother is gone, I have no other siblings, my 2 children are grown & have almost completely withdrawn . . . Over the course of my life, I have repeatedly felt terribly alone & vulnerable.
This sounds like my family. I have moved away and they wonder why I am hesitant to go and stay with them. Had a best friend that was like this too, and they all talk about "why" I am so quiet.
Self isolating is very common for those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse. For me, it feels safe and has given me time to heal. Through videos like this one and others, I feel a sense of community with understanding souls. I wish you the best in your healing journey. You are not alone. Thank you for commenting.
Well, that's the thing with narcissistic people they know how to make you lose your time your valuable lifetime. And that usually happens with empathic people who do not count their efforts to stick to their human values. In retrospective, you were not alone you automatically decided to respect yourself and your values. I believe people who do not do that get lost. Now would you rather get lost or would you rather get old gracefully?
I can completely relate. I finally realized the totality of my narcissistic sisters bullying to me at the age of 60. She is my only sibling, and all my life, I wanted nothing more than a deep relationship with my only sibling. Our mother passed a year ago, and her entitled, selfish, downright awful behavior was the last straw. I have been no contact since December. They do not change, and we do not deserve the continuous abuse and cruelty. I and my best friend have “adopted “ each other as sisters. Our biological family does not have to be our tribe. Find the people who love and value you and feel genuine joy for you in your happiness.
This was soooo helpful!! I always felt like an idiot because I knew what they were doing but had no strategy to survive the situation. You are so insightful!
In our rush to defend ourselves, we often don't notice how rude a public gaslighter is. With the hotel example, it is rude to say bluntly or accusingly "You couldn't have stayed there in '02 because it wasn't built then." You respond by saying, "You think that hotel wasn't built by then. Okay." You drop it. Now it is about what the gaslighter thinks, not what you can prove. Make the rudeness the problem. If the conversation continues, and you stay calm enough to really absorb how absurd it is, then you can ask as if you are genuinely interested, "What makes you think it wasn't there?" "What are your favorite places to stay?" "I am so pleased that you are enjoying your travels so much." "It is special to go to wonderful places and be pampered." Keep making the gaslighter the focus. Make sure butter doesn't melt in your mouth. Also, if it becomes an issue and you stay calm, others in the room are likely to pull the research up on their phones becoming unintentional allies.
Thank you for giving good common situations.we can find ourselves in. Thank you for your service to channel and empower human relationships in the most healthy way forward.
At a family dinner party, after I had just reflected on how I missed my late grandfather and how we got on so well, one of my uncles said “I think you’re remembering your grandfather incorrectly.” Very direct gaslighting imo. I responded quickly with “I’m very confident of my memory of my relationship with my grandfather, and I’m aware that he showed me love and protection in a way that he didn’t to you, and I’m sorry for that.” I told my uncle that relationships are complicated and that we don’t relate to the same person in the same way. How ironic that I was the younger person teaching an elder about relationship dynamics.
I've had my favourite uncle. His son tried to tell me once he is not who I think he is. I felt offended. After his death I've learned he was indeed abuser, and what I thought was his real persona, was his superficial charm. It was painful to realise since I've had so many good memories of him
Indeed, no greater gift to help and validate the person being gaslit 🙏 Thank you for that, hope people will stop being narcissistic enablers and turn into victim helpers/healers ☺️
Spent many family gatherings being the scapegoat for my brother (the golden child and center of attention) humiliating me and not once did anyone, Mother father sister aunt uncle cousin etc, speak up for me. I would excuse myself to the bathroom and cry. I would have loved for someone to speak up and stand up for me even just once. Came to realize the only solution was distance.
You found an awesome mentor. Stick with it for continual improvement with yourself and your new life. Healing is a long game process that will get better with time and effort. ❤
@@EJS1968 I love that. Thank you. I truly believe my strong core identity from childhood saved me from these cycles. I started learning more about this a few years ago. I’ve been following Ramani for a while and I genuinely mean it when I say she saved me. On so many levels and in so many ways. It’s helped me heal and grow so much. Understand what is acceptable. What is unacceptable. How to gracefully bow out and disengage. I hope everybody hurting from these cycles finds their peace too ✨
Not to toot my own horn too loudly, but I commented this elsewhere and sharing here (if you need a quick solution.). The following technique works like a bloody charm: Alternatively, I find a quick Google search at the first swing is effective. At the shaming attempt, throw oneself under the "I'm just pedantic " self-deprecation bus, and then (for the group shame attempt), a calm, "Totally get it--accuracy isn't high priority for everyone--I know I'm uptight about facts" *insert cutesy shrug and grin here*. Which yes, is playing the passive aggressive game--but having been raised by a narcissist, and having been in several longterm dynamics with them--I swear, it's like they're freaking everywhere--it works every time, AND sets a prophylactic precedent. Eventually, the person who does the quick Google check becomes the one the room turns to when the next person is targeted for the social gaslight attack.
One time we gaslighted a girls mom. She said her car wasn’t in the garage in the middle of the night. The girl had gone on a joy ride. She just told her mom she must had been dreaming and the mom took the bait. She didn’t call her mom stupid or any name calling. It was a get out of jail free card… just stick to your reality .. and I don’t confront the gaslighter either.
My caveat is: any time a target uses the word 'you' or 'your' typically gives the abuser/narc/gas lighter permission to go nuts. I tend to ask generalized but pointed questions. This breaks their flow & their brains tend to melt. 😂😊😂
I would rephrase what you posted as: "Did you know that gaslighting is a boorish tactic and borders on abuse?" This gets the bully into another part of their thinking process and tends to COMPLETELY shut off the attack. My experience, anyway. 😊
I have removed myself from a family situation where I was constantly gaslit. I am grateful for that. I was in a work situation where myself and many co-workers were gaslight and dealt with other toxic behaviors. I am grateful that my "boss" has retired and I have taken over her position. If she hadn't retired, I would have been looking elsewhere for employment because she was awful. We were treated like children and she expected adult-like behavior from the children that we worked with. She even took credit for my work at times. I don't know how she kept her job for 41 years! Probably because management was in a building 30 minutes away and never saw the true person she was. I've learned how NOT to be a leader from her!
I'm the googler at the table. Can confirm that gaslighter would try to turn the group dynamic against you. I don't do friend/family groups anymore as a result.
I love the saying: "I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong." 😂
That's a genius response! 👍
hahahahahaha that's fantastic!
OK... I'm stealing this response.
That's fantastic....❤❤❤
😂I love this So much!!
My favorite line is, “believe what you will, I’ll believe what I know “
Great! 🇬🇧
@@marylourdes007 it was as bad as the statement “whatever“. It’s really angered him. Someone would be so insensitive…
That's a good one! Thanks for sharing.
stealing this thank you
Great line!!
Gaslighting is a form of bullying. I hate bullies and bullying.
People who feel inferior will do it as well.
@@qua7771 Bullying is usually (maybe always) motivated by feelings of inferiority.
@@mewho6199 That's true.
After a messy divorce and continued skirmishes it was clear the stepfather figure was the bully and always called my dad a coward. I wanted to be neither
So true.
When the gaslighter in my family starts to gaslight me, my reply is always the same: "Id rather be happy than right." That shuts her down right there.
Quite right. If somebody wants an argument to no purpose, I just disengage.
Brilliant!
Oh that's a good one i've note that one down😋
It reminds me what I told my father some months ago : "It's not a matter of being right or wrong, it is a matter of doing wathever can be done to make others happy or sad."
Excellent response!
"This person isn't good for me," and giving yourself permission to avoid/not engage with them -priceless
My covert N mother used to like to try to humiliate me in public with an embellished or entirely false story about me as a kid. The last time was an extended family dinner, and in the awkward pause where I was supposed to 'laugh along' or 'explode' instead, I just plainly said:"That did not happen." And ate my dinner. And in the excruciating silence that followed, my N Sis, suggested a version of the story that sort of made me look better, and I didn't bite, and someone changed the conversation. It's been six glorious years since I have had to put up with that bullshit. ✅️😅
I have Memories like that too, except the sisters added their own abuse
Brilliant! Living your Goddess life! Great success story!
@@marylourdes007 Ha, thank you Mary. Seeing comment rocked me for a sec - I had a very successful company called Goddess a number of years ago. I thought I had that posted somewhere. 🙂
Good for you!
My mom specialty as well. Now I call her "my dad's wife", not my mom.
If applicable, I usually say “I try not to argue about something that’s easily researched”
That's one of mine, too! And a simlar one, ...first, a sort of wondering stare, followed by "you do use Google, don't you?"
Cue whipping out of phones.
@@johncasey1020 I literally can’t stand phone ripper outers!!! Phone ripper outers are a bizarre subset of public gaslighters. Its’s a huge visible signal that you are among a narcissist gaslighter. Great time to say goodbye, exit or my favorite “ I think you just answered your own question.” lol.
Or you can turn the power around and just tell that person “well, why don’t you look it up?” 😂
My typical answer is " don't believe me, you can look it up yourself and find out."
DR R
Please make more of these ‘what to do’ videos.
We need real time tools!
AMEN!
"Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices." ~French philosopher, Voltaire. Book:Questions sur les Miracles". Publication by Voltaire, 1765.
Thank you for this quote
I like Voltaire, tysm!❤
That’s exactly what is happening all over the world… the insanity currently in motion. And in the minds of people unable to discern lies from reality.
Ridiculous.
@@fluttergirl75 what is ridiculous? The Voltaire quote?
I was at the Dog Park and everyone was commenting on the heat and humidity. I chimed in, "It said on my car panel, on the way here, that it's 87 degrees, it's so early in the summer to be almost 90." A woman said, "It isn't almost ninety," and a grump next to her agreed. I deadpanned, "Well my car said it was 87, so take it up with my car." Everyone but the 2 jerks laughed and repeated, "Take it up with my car!" Later, as 4 of us were leaving, they were still laughing. Those moments when your comment, timing, and humor all come together are perfection!
Lovely 👏
that's great when you can be quick witted like that, divert and use humor
Stick to the facts. Observe don’t absorb. Manage your emotions. Gaslighters play on your emotions.
YES
Yes. Gaslighters would love to see people cry or get red faced angry. They definitely are not team players with their small grade smear campaigns.
Yes. 100%.
I finally figured out that not only did I need to stick to the facts, I didn't need to prove the truth. State the facts. If challenged, state the facts in as close to the same words as you can. And they don't know what to do when you don't bite on things like, "Give me a specific instance." I don't have to give a specific instance for it to be true. "You know how bad your memory is." I remember this correctly. And so forth.
Thank you. The director consistently gaslighted me in our weekly "supportive" meetings for a small staff of 6 people. One memorable gaslight after she detailed qualities of the ideal candidate for hire, she then went on to describe someone (who sounded ALOT like me) as someone she would NOT hire. Advice: Deep breathing, a self assured smile, believe in karma, and never ever take the bait. Oh and I no longer work there:)
I feel like you are describing my workplace and my experience. Great advice. I always think to myself that the best way I can “stick it to her” is to not take the bait and not show any emotion just wear a casual smile and think about what I need to buy at the grocery store after work 😅 I actually think I confuse her at times!
Bravo ❤
I really hope that your new place much healthier
There are more horse's asses in the world than horses. Sorry you found one.
So glad that you’re away!
So passive aggressive. Glad you left that toxic environment.
Queen Elizabeth gave us gold with, "Recollections may vary."
I have to remember that one.
Here here
I remember Queen Elizabeth saying this. But this quote ain't clear enough. Explanation/more information is required.
It ain't clear which side is supported.
This particular sentence can be used by everyone trying to defend themselves.
Most readers don't know about Queen Elizabeth's expression. She had a lot to defend.
What are you really trying to say?
😘❤❤❤
PS. I'm sorry for putting your reaction on the spot.
I just felt obligated to point this out. Please correct me if I misunderstood.
@amsterdampigeon2103 When someone tries to gaslight me in public, I just quote the Queen.
It can end that round of the game. To say to a gaslighter Recollections may vary, effectively deflects that verbal attack.
Once, during a phone call, I simply repeated, "That's not necessary. "
I'm under no obligation to explain or defend my simple statement.
My list included, "That's not any of my business. " and "That's really not any of your concerns."
@@deborahbreeden4394 strong.
Just remember that your reaction is what they're after. If you want to stick it to them, don't engage!
Exactly
@@JadeyHad
Someone told me years ago, it's like a game of cricket, just let some go thru to the wicket-keeper. You don't have to hit every ball that comes at you. Sometimes I'll get a smartalec or sarcastic comment from one of my brothers,esp. I just ignore & he'll say loud,out of embarrassment,- she didn't even get it or hear it, I say "no ,i just let it go thru to the wicket-keeper!" Lol ;) ignore it,don't give them airtime!
The only way to win someone else's game is not to play.
True true true. I have been telling my kids and 12 grand kids that same thing.
Being gaslit in public is a normal part of every corporate meeting when you ask a tough question.
Sounds familiar.
shows what an immature and frustrated atmosphere prevails in those "corporate" meetings. Sad...
Because the corporate world is where social disorders thrive 😬
💯
Indeed. In a group of men, there is always one man who asks me what I did this weekend. He knows I don’t like to say EVERYTHING about my private life, but he keeps on asking me in these team calls. I don’t know how to shut him down.
If you do find the "fact" and show it to them, they'll just say "Are you still obsessing about that? I thought we moved on from that discussion."
🤯😡
Yeah that's why you shouldn't bother especially since usually it's always about something not worth even knowing nor do you care about, and if you must don't even check it around them because they'll know you're still impressionable enough to get to you like that even a little bit, just do it when you get back home but i guarantee it's not gonna be worth your time still and the worry and stress.
I stopped telling anyone anything about my life even other family members this being one of the reasons it's ammo for these people and the majority of people on both sides are narcs, and if i have to i keep it super undetailed and the answers simple and short as possible and if i don't have to talk to them i won't because i know i can't trust to tell them anything sad but true. Now with social media people have learned how to use information against people better so you have to put up those boundaries and honestly i'm much better off without those too because it prevents the smallest things being used against me that doesn't even mean anything and people did even when i decided to try and keep things completely casual noop i still wasn't allowed lol
If you know what is true inside yourself then why are you worried? if you don't know that then why does it even matter? don't even get into the game of constantly checking just incase a narcissist might use it against you. Nooo because that's still them pulling you into a petty competitive situation and they'll turn the smallest thing into a competitive situation it's nuts and that's why they pull you into checking don't check trust me. What i went through recently in an online game they had me constantly checking the online player list to see if they're there even when they were anonymous or of course they were already there lol but i was checking every hour i was online but it was just a lot of stress and a wasted time.
How i pulled myself out of that i just got the anguish out of my system and then all that tension dissipated and suddenly a shift happened and they could no longer bother me anymore. Then i learned how to go along with the vibe of other people which is peaceful nobody else wants to bother me, and to grey rock the narcs by just being myself and saying nothing i just chill, and i take a few more breaks and not even paying attention to what any players are doing i do something else. The same thing would work with people in real life because it's about training your focus anywhere else except only on what you're doing so then you can easily pull yourself away from needed.
These narcissistic people will try and try to pull you in especially appealing to the competitiveness in all of us but we realize this isn't good competitiveness and honestly they're sore losers and why they do it but nobody is winning or losing anything them acting like this there's only a lot to lose. Don't play their game and put your emotions and energy on far better things and just having fun🙂❤
Oh yes, that one is very regular here
Yup. They just wont give up. 😢
I've found the best way to deal with that is just say "not obsessing, just proving that you were wrong" and then walking off and not giving them a chance to say anything else
For sure!
In the story with the hotel, I would say “ok, whatever. So we stayed at this imaginary hotel…” and then finish my point.
😂😂 I like that - they want to be taken seriously, and this makes them seem childish, way less authoritative or powerful. Good call!
😂😂😂🎉
It’s a good idea, but usually and unfortunately, not that great to use anything remotely even minuscule next to “humor” to make a point because they just make it cave in. By making it look like you’re caving in.
Perfect response
Or you could say : " You wouldn't know because I purposely didn't invite you with you always spoil fun"
Never let the narcissist see you sweat. They want a fight, they want to humiliate you, they want the center of attention. By your silence and ignoring the nonsense, you show them and everyone else that you're confidant and stronger than they thought. Try it!
I was at a family gathering at one of my sisters' house- food wasn't provided,we were all ordering pizza & nothing was happening. I knew a place that was cheap but very good pizzas.
I organised the pizzas to be delivered, collected the money, etc.
I asked for a gourmet pizza over the phone, said it the proper French way. (goor-may). My 2 narc sisters started to mock me by imitating the way I pronounced it loudly, laughing & sniggering,elbowing each other to humiliate me, right across table from me,they kept it going for ages.
I did not react at all bc I was working on greyrocking these 2 narcs.
The next day I sent them each a voice-over of how to correctly pronounce "gourmet" in the French language,since it is a French word.
They both don't even know French & think bc I didn't say "gor-may", like they do, then I must be wrong.
I never heard any reply from either but felt their invisible shame & embarrassment from afar, lol.
I have not been in the same room with both since then. Blocked the instigator( Queen narc), limited contact with the other. This is a decades long habit with them but has gotten progressively worse since our mother,our last parent of 6 children, died.
Don't react right then, whenever you are contradicted publicly, that is what they want. They really thought they were correct when they were really showing how ignorant they were.
Touchè! 😂
I was having major problems with a group of narcs in a game and after learning stuff about them and how mirroring works it just immediately clicked why everyone else socializes the way they do and why they don't seem to interact much with others, because obviously we don't know each other and isn't safe to just throw ourselves into interacting with just about anyone. So people just tend to float around coexisting with others but not in so many words the very fact they leave others alone not causing harm though says enough.
By observing this i realized they do this as a kind of weird boundary against any nefarious people to keep them out which is totally a method of "grey rocking" but it's incorporated into how people socialize in general, yeah yeah i've got it now🤔and i immediately started doing this to the narcs and it's hilarious because they don't know WHAT to do with themselves *snigger* 😆They did try a few more times to get me to react but because the change happened internally too i'm so beyond at peace now. The guy mainly responsible for it all he appears sore too because soon after we bump into each other he leaves bwhaha "grey rocking" truly is a magical ability DO IT.
My only qualm with it is people do take it a bit too much to the extremes because every now and then at least once a day we need to get the blood flowing a bit we can't stay inconspicuous and boring all the time, but people do and it's frustrating for someone like me who likes a challenge and needs that intellectual stimulation. I mean sure to some extent they do too? but they get too much into habit of it and scared of making things more interesting. Meanwhile there's poor me bouncing up and down when i get an energy spike gagging for a challenge lol good lord okay grey rocking works it does but too boring now pffff you're alright people but i need to go find a challenge lol, if some days i just want to be still you know where i'll be but i can't exist like that all the time, if you get what i mean?.
@@joeythebushkangaroo1the best outcome ever
@@rsamom Good stuff!
@@joeythebushkangaroo1but the way you pronounced it is exactly how we pronounce it in english. Surprised they didnt know that. Ouch.
thankyou for this label of GASLIGHTING late in my life.
I was so vulnerable to gaslighting in my advertising career. (childhood abuse damage)
so I worked 150% and stood silent on the quality of my work.
now I get what happened one year as public gaslighting.
.I had worked very hard on a campaign look, and I was chosen to lead a campaign for Xmas for a MAJOR retailer.
a. massive honor and accomplishment for me.
my name was intentionally not mentioned by management while the campaign was publicly reviewed to hundreds of outside resources (who worked with me)
I was smoldering the longer the event went on.
late in the presentation my name was mentioned in passing and the room interrupted and applauded in my support.
as you say it was a GIFT from my colleagues. . and I am forever grateful.
Gaslighters ALWAYS call YOU paranoid.
yes!
And they know it's true because they are doing their darndest to make you that way.
You're! Right 👍🤗
yEP 👍 🤗
I was called that by some discord admins that ran a server of a Popular Creator before on top of speaking ill half-truths and lies about me! good to know they will use ANY tactic ti get what thy want sooooo if any of them see this... they better watch their back because Defamation is a SUEABLE offense even across state lines
The most powerful response I’ve found is to just smile and nod. Don’t respond at all. Just smile and nod and keep going like they don’t exist.
Hi Angela, how's your day going with you?
I've started saying, "If that's what you want to believe, that's your choice." with the flying monkeys gaslighters. They get frustrated that they are not getting me to react.
Excellent words 😅
I like that. "You can believe whatever you want." Shrug and walk away.
That's a good one.
Thank you for the idea for how to cope and what to say. Appreciate it. ❤
Yes, this is really good and helpful. Tried it twice with two different people in two different situations and immediately they let go and latched on to someone else who was responsive and did engage and tried to convince them.
Afterwards I talked to people very close to me and they also said, that they realized what douchy people these guys were. So I think these people out themselves as being bad sooner or later, so you don't have to put in the work to convince them that you're right.
I encourage everyone to give it a try 😍
This was huge! Really hit home for me. My Ex would say crazy, petty, untrue this about me in public. By the end of our marriage of 18 years I did feel like I acted crazy sometimes in trying to defend myself, it was so painful and destabilizing.
Glad to hear he is your ex!
It truly is painful and destabilizing. And that is their ultimate goal - to weaken us. I'm glad you're not with him anymore and I hope you've found the peace of mind you deserve.
My Mom and my Sis would mix truth and lies to such a clever degree. To deny the lie, was to also deny the truth.
I absolutely relate to that. Same thing happened with my ex, and I had no sense of mooring to deal with it. Many years elapsed before I was able to recognize what he did and forgive myself for being such a fool. So glad we can come away from these situations stronger and better equipped.
Years ago I lived in a (different) small town that had a large church that would host a community dinner once a month. Sometimes the dinner was a potluck and you brought a dish and sometimes the dinner was provided by the church. The church had large tables that would seat 12 people. I was sitting at one of the tables having a conversation with another woman. A third woman came and sat at the table, and started interrupting the conversation to gaslight me. I said "yeah okay whatever" to her more times than I can count on both hands. And return to the conversation with the other woman. The last time she interrupted I turned and looked at her and said "honey the adults are talking" and then looked away. She stopped interrupting
Amazing!
Good one! 😂
Brilliant 😂❤🎉😅😊
أنت تعتقد أنك إذا فعلت فوق اللازم ستنال التقدير ، ولكن الحقيقة التي ستفاجئك هي أنك ستتعرّض للاستغلال، وبدون شفقة. - نجيب محفوظ
Agree and not even a thank you.
Absolutely! And that is applicable in any culture!
exploited by who? you and Allah? you and all your gods you know and imaginations and dwindled down to a Narc and innovation? please tell me about getting exploited. you cant even do the Quran and you live inside it .
In the other good book it's put it like this ..the truth will set you free...😮
Also the darkness will come to lite
One of the things that made me most proud of myself and was very healing was when one family member tried to shame another who was absent and I spoke up and told the truth of the situation. It felt so good to shut down the abuse - the gaslighter stated that the topic wasn't important and changed the subject, but I felt so much better not just listening to them holding court and spreading lies about someone I care about.
I stuck up for a family member who was being traumatized because of a small petty thing she did. I wasn't going to rake her over the coals because nobody is perfect. They tried to get me to go after her and I said no. What about forgiveness but they didn't want that.
I hate was everyone’s reaction???
Hell, I don't know you and I'm proud of you! I admire you standing up for the other person and not letting that toxic BS spread any further! Well done! 😃
@@KathieMihindukulasuriya
My sister gossips and wants to know details of other siblings' lives while they are out of the room. I said "I dont feel comfortable talking about other people when they aren't here." Well, 10 minutes later at this family meeting, she was screaming into my face insulting me. I had a panic attack right there in front of everyone. I have not spoken to her since and just do not turn up wherever she is. Blocked her phone number. This has been going on for 50 years so I think I've been very forgiving. You can forgive and still choose not to be around the person. I hope she gets help for her problem. Those type of narcs can't stand having no opportunity to gaslight & bully others...
She is still asking another sibling when was the last time he had contact with me. He just says I can't remember,lol.She is using him as a flying monkey. I had to tell him, don't tell her a thing about my life.
When I was in high school my mom would tell me every week she was doing laundry and I'd give her my bed sheets. One day she decided to experiment with my undiagnosed adhd and see what happened if she didn't remind me.
Being a busy teen it took 4 weeks. Every person I introduced to her after that got gleefully warned I was so slovenly I once hadn't changed my sheets for a whole month, imagine that!
After 3 decades of this I finally interrupted her in front of our family to remark offhand if she was really going to trash me over and over again in public with that tired old story (that happened one time a million years ago), she could just go ahead and bask in whatever glory it gave her.
Never heard it again.
Wow. Your Mom knew that sheets on an occupied bed under her roof, hadn't been through her laundry for four weeks? What a neglectful home and family manager.
You can't blame a child for that, even a teen. She's the one who owns the mattress and the sheets and the house. She's the one who made the choice to be slovenly.
Not to mention, she just could have been decent to you, her child.
Hugs, dear.
When my MIL recited an embarrassing story from my husband's childhood (again!) my son piped up "that must have been decades ago - you're not very forgiving are you Grandma?!" 🤭 Proudest moment!😅
@@earlgreyt123 GOOD KID! He was well-reared.
I will use those in the future, when my mother starts trying to embarass me again. Or somwone else, like her best friend. Poor guy, they have been friends for decades, and she will not forgive him that one mistake, must have been 35 years ago: she was sick and he wanted to do her a favor and get some groceries. So she wrote a list, including her favourite ready to eat frozen meal (something with noodles and brokkoli). He went to buy the groceries and came back with canned ravioli instead of her meal. Not once did she concider, that maybe her meal was sold out, or he could not find it or anything alike for some reason, and then, maybe he decided to buy ravioli instead, knowing that would not go to waste (he loves ravioli). I would do it like that, if calling her for a plan b was not an option. She never thought of it, she never once asked him what he thought in doing that. She just assumed he had been too dumb and lazy to read properly and started insulting him for it and never stopped.
@@earlgreyt123 Oh my goodness! I got a chuckle imagining a child look at grandma's face when he called her out! Did your husband look shocked or have a smirk that he had to hide?? Good for you; you raised a son who's not afraid to point out the hypocrisy of trying to embarrass his father over a worn out decades ago 'story slam'.
I have used "These are my experiences, not yours" with great effect before. I have learned to not participate on conversation in public when my husband is around. He tends to love to correct me and make me look dumb if I chime in any information. When I go out, I tend to leave him at home!
Divorce
Divorce
Oh gosh, same here!!! Constantly corrected in public!
Sounds like you need to leave him full stop
Mine doesn’t let me or anyone else talk, so I just leave.
If a person has to devalue another person to show their value, they are announcing they have no value. That and of itself shut them down once it’s pointed out to those who are not aware.
The problem is most people in a group settings are such clueless cowards, they don't care if a victim is being subjected to gaslighting. They just care they aren't the target of gaslighting so ignore it. If a few people in the group were brave enough to step in, the narcissist would no longer have "power".
Hello
Wow !!! I'm gonna remember that !!! Fantastic and so true when you think about it.
Will find a way to express that idea..especially with my brothers or sisters..so prone to put me down with that technique.
Wow ! Thanks 🙏
I’ve been gaslit at various times over my life, but the comment I’m here to make is how how absolutely lovely Dr Ramani looks! 😇. Just wanted to give an unsolicited compliment & I hope it’s not inappropriate.
Absolutely agree with Dr. Ramani... Healing begins when you can stop someone from having power over you..
This is something I personally need to work on.. I think it's worth the effort..
This video clarifies something that has been bothering me for decades. There is a friend who I am uncomfortable with and I get that “she is a narcissist” feeling about her. The thing is, everybody loves her and rave about what a kind and generous person she is. Which is true on the surface, but the snarky and arrogant things that she says to me in private, and in public, which are couched as “advice” make my skin crawl. I refuse to have anything to do with her and my friends just don’t get it. This came up recently as I turned down a gathering to avoid being around her, and I was wondering what is wrong with me. Oops, I have forgotten to trust my spidey sense about covert and disguised narcs. Thanks so much.
She's probably doing this to others in the group, too.
@@lindac6919 truth
I had a friend like this. It was like everyone wanted their acceptance so badly that they could do no wrong. I didn’t pander to them and suddenly I stopped getting invited to things and other friends slowly disappeared. I think this person knew I saw right through them and so made sure I was out of the group. Oh well. I refuse to put up with that kind of toxicity and if the others just followed their lead they weren’t really my friends anyway
My Mother in law does this. And many of my husband's relatives. I avoid their gatherings and disappear to garden or run errands if they turn up at our house. A friendly "Hello" and then I'm doing my super-busy person impression. I have a very unhappy marriage anyway - that I will hopefully be able to leave one day.
How about…..”oh, right, I forgot this was gaslighting day. I’m glad you remembered. “
😂😂😂
Love it!❤
May I add this one to my toolbox?
I have one I like: "oh, is this an additional episode of INSERT NAME HERE's Fantasy Theater?"
"i guess we do lose our memory when we get older, because I assure you that never happened. Anyway, who else is looking forward to the Olympics?"
@@peachesandpoetsha! ❤
I love it when people refute over-reach attempts gaslighters use to try and discredit you
Thank you! I am going to be that 2nd party fact checker when I see someone else being gaslighted in public. (When appropriate…I’ve learned we have to pick our battles.) Pay if forward, this is the gift I would have so appreciated in the past.
One big issue: men need to call out other men behaving abusively. Women can try but it’s not as effective as another man.
This is true. Once on a train I saw a guy making a woman sitting near him very uncomfortable. I wanted to say something, but I was scared, and didn't know what to do. So I froze and stayed quiet.
Afterwards I read an article which suggested, going up to the woman, pretending that you recognised them from college, and asking them if they wanted to get a coffee.
The article adviced not confronting the abuser, but rather focusing offering their victim, a way to walk away. Also if you don't feel able to do that, then to record the situation on your phone, and let the police know you have a video of the incident.
For confronting men in your friend group. The most effective way is to say, "Those comments you made to her. Not cool. You made her feel really uncomfortable." That's it, don't make it a big deal, and don't exclude them from the group, unless they show they keep doing it.
Thank you. I know it's hard for men too, and I SUPER THANK every and any man who took the risk to stand up for someone smaller, or weaker, or just because another human had need.
I've asked men for help, and I'm very grateful for that help.
I'm a great worker in equality for all citizens.
AND I also know that there's nothing like male hormones, to exert authority or control other male hormones.
@@michauxbours yikes. Another example of why there's a male loneliness epidemic. How dare someone suggest something of you
@@sarahf.1036 My sister's husband was screaming at her when my husband was at their house helping with some repairs. My brother-in-law said to my husband something to the effect of an apology; my husband told him "...quit yelling at your wife; you're wrong to do that; what you're screaming about is something you did, so fix it...". My sister was shocked; nobody ever spoke to her husband like that. She was surprised her husband actually shut up.
@@NYbashaw3 you have a wonderful husband.
Public gaslighter at a dinner party!! Happened once to me and then the second time they went back for more! Hell no! I got up from my seat, walked around to her and told her face to face. She shut down immediately! “Forgive me, forgive me!!” She said as she raised her hands shaking. Yes! The dinner party gaslighter was clocked. Was shut down. Was addressed by me, the target. A huge power shift happened that night when the power shifted to me. It felt uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to destabilizing someone else. Why would I?? I’m a peaceful person, but now she knows. She knows. Two more dinner parties since then and she’s never tried it again. Victory! 🙌
Good 4 u 🤗
When my narc ex used to try to gaslight me, my response was always, "You can say that as many times as you like, you will still be wrong."
Oh my, the gaslighting in public scenario drives me up the wall as this is a favorite from the family playbook. When called out, the response (of course) is horror that I’m selfish and “ruined” the gathering. I still take the bait once in a while despite knowing they want a reaction and enjoy their passive-aggressive games. It really is true that no one feels more entitled to use and abuse you than “family.” Ugh 🙄
"If you're going to continue doing this I'm going to leave". But you have to follow through. It works wonders
"If someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, I shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone: the harm is to persist in one's own self-deception and ignorance." ~Marcus Aurelius🗿. Book:Meditations: A New Translation
Stoic Philosophy was Marcus Aurelius' thing; he was the "last of the five great emperors" of the Roman Empire. Your quote of his is much the opposite of a narcissist's credo but, but it's a great reminder (and boost to confidence levels) for those who are learning to successfully cope with, survive, and 'be victorious' over narcs in their lives. Thanks for the quote.
I'm very similar. I want people to show me actual real proofs that things I believe are wrong.
Why not say that to the gaslighter when attacked?
I was that person. I refused to hold court with narcissists and stayed out of their fray. Never mind the extremely narcissistic husband I was blind to, but that’s another story. I could point it out in others and avoided or redirected their attempts to gaslight the group when I could. It gained me no public friends but lots of secret admirers and the respect of those that got sucked in easily.
My “No thanks” was so frequent, the ex managed to get me to rethink saying it so much - with disastrous results for me. I’m back to trusting my intuition and avoiding messy people, even if it means being lonely for the time being. Lonely is much better than stressed TF out or doubting my sanity.
Absolutely!! Similar story 🤦🏽♀️
It's weird to me, how many people are willing to stand by and watch gas lighters in action, or join in, or just pretend it's not happening -or afterwards pretend it never happened at all. I've experienced what you have. Myself, I'm very much alone in the world, but it seems a heavy price to pay just because you're not willing to let yourself be abused... Or because the truth is important enough to not actively seek out under the carpet. It makes me wonder if there are actually any good people in the world. And if there are, where are they?
@justme9818
Usually gaslighters have strategically insinuated themselves into a group so when they pick you as their victim, they know they will not be questioned and are just waiting for us to mess up. They always have an agenda for what they do and plan well ahead. It's insane.
There's a massive difference between being lonely and choosing to be alone. You didcthe latter, celebrate 🎉
@@justme9818Thank you for your comment. I feel the same way. I hope you meet a decent person or two to socialize with sometime. Miracles happen, safe people are out there somewhere.
There’s something very liberating in knowing other languages other than the language of your emotional triggers. English is the 4th language I learned, therefore, it doesn’t trigger any deep emotions in me and I can actually speak my mind freely! It is truly liberating! Of course, I’m very polite when shutting down a gaslighting vampire because the energy from the message is direct and to the point without the emotional side effects. I don’t often speak my native language but what I’ve noticed also is that as a result of speaking several languages the words of which don’t trigger my emotions, I’m able to overcome my emotional triggers (most of the time) in my native language! The brain is a marvellous thing!
Interesting, in my case it only affects how I am perceived (e.g. my tone sounds more composed and I do not swear). My emotional triggers stay the same.
I feel exactly the same, I am French and when I become too emotional I speak in English.
Yeah, I'm not willing to take one for the team anymore. I'd rather be far, far away from the belittlers & gaslighters than have it be a requirement to spend time with other people who wouldn't do that on their own. Groups often are quick to have the back of the toxic person. I'm not willing to take the toxins to ease their comfort.
Perfectly worded 🙏🏻❤️
Very true, experienced the last part myself multiple times. Hard not to be a misanthrope tbh
yes this is why i hate groups and stay away. even three people groups
"The truth will set you free".... Very helpful. I always smile and just say 😊"Anyway" or just walk away. You must observe and never absorb the situation. I've learnt so much. Thank you so much Dr Ramani❤❤❤
I take two approaches 1. I say, "your recollection may need to be quality checked", then it puts the onus on them to prove it's validity. 2. I just stare at them and say nothing until they walk back their lie, change the subject, or walk away. With a narcissist, this causes injury to them, so read the circumstances and the room. I've found these techniques to be very effective.
When I am publicly gaslighted I tell the gaslighter, "Show us your proofs." They will typically decline to find real data to support their gaslighting lies so the second stage of my response will be "Then we agree to disagree." And if the gaslighter continues to gaslight I disengage as gracefully as possible, I walk away and from that point on I will avoid the gaslighter.
Great idea! Thanks for sharing!
Well when I asked one guy to give me a source for his claims he called me quote unempathic. What astonished me was not the fact that he did that but that the group around him who was hypnotized by his monopolized monologue (this was not supposed to be a lecture but just a fireplace hangout/meet) proceeded to criticize me for quote -attacking- him. That day really made me a misanthrope around groups of people, they are just as sick as the leader himself. Really, narcissist wouldn't be able to do any evil if not for the enablers around them...
@@h4xi0rek This is why weak people disgust me.
Doesn't Always Work.
Man, Marshmallows really are the worst.
Sir, do you have proof for that, sir?!
What?
Do. You. Have. Proof?! Why is everybody leaving? Can't you see he's a master manipulator?!?
Love this topic! My advice would be to invite more librarians to your parties. There is nothing that a librarian Loves more than a good fact-check. It is a point of professional pride and they are non-threatening about calling out misinformation. And they’re generally fun people.
Thank you so much! I really needed a good laugh! ...Maybe I'll go look for some librarians.
Where do i find one?
Good to know!
One thing I have done with a narcissist here lately, and I’m going to try and implement more, it’s just saying “ why are you acting weird?” Lol. Or “ don’t make it weird”. Because I’m looking back at some of our conversations that have made me feel uncomfortable, and I’m realizing it’s because they have been acting in a way that nobody else would act. It makes it feel like it’s you, in the moment. But afterwards, when you analyze it and realize nobody else acts the way they do, well now you know it’s them and they are being weird. Especially when they are acting out to try and get attention.
Haha i just came to the same conclusion of focusing on the fact nobody else acts this way and won't do these things to people they just want to chill and get along with others in peace and harmony. So i've sort of anchored myself to that and it's seriously eased my social anxiety truly realizing that after years of struggle and confusion a peace has washed over me🙂still a lot to learn about how to socialize and how to navigate different situations though but this is a good start indeed.
Also recognize how the way people socialize they're always using "grey rocking" as a defense against any nefarious people that may be around it's like it's being used as some sort of boundary. It's why from the outside they seem super mundane and boring but really? are they? lol. I'm still adjusting to this because since day 1 of my life i always had it in my head people were so freaking boring i just didn't get it and while yes the way it looks and feels is always going to feel super weird but understanding the reasons i think i can go along with this just fine.
I'm just not used to how still people are being because the people around me and the relationships they formed with me i'm used to them being so reactive, dysregulated, and emotionally intense like so much stress. Although i don't know how most people have always naturally got this while some of us spend a long time not understanding.
I stopped her midstream and said= You dont get to gaslight me. Stunned look and she walked away
Good one!
Wow!
I was in the angry phase of my recovery.. even surprised me, still makes me smile.. taking back my power
Screenshot!
I really like that one. It's the first one I've read that actually makes me feel better... Like I'd actually feel strong afterwards instead of punched in the guts. Thanks!
the problem with watching DoctorRamani's videos is that I always have to go meditate afterwards to calm down and debrief, because her examples are so creepily and eerily spot on to the experiences of the narcissistic abuse I've had to endure as somebody with a traumatic brain injury. Her videos are undeniably important and undeniably hard to watch.
Look at it through an intellectual lens and as a challenge to learn about yourself, about others, and all the different behaviors and patterns in people's behaviors. It's so common these days if not all of us have been effected by these people because we have been harmed by these people everywhere we've been it's why so many people have mental health issues.
We humans behave, think, perceive things, and feel in a lot of the same ways because genetically we're almost the same especially our mammal sides so it seems creepy and eerie as if they can see into our souls but it's not and people have spent centuries learning everything they can about every species on our planet. They're human too and from experience know what it's like too having gone through the same things it's just learning to put words and feelings to things that's the hardest and you won't know some emotions you were or are feeling or even know what you actually needed to know until you find that out.
I'm still pretty shocked about the revelations i have as i steadily go through all this from different channels and i reflect, observe, and feel myself and my emotions but at the same time already knowing how neglected we all are these days not so shocked it just wasn't what i expected to things to seem like. You've got to keep a level head with these things because you have to go through a great deal of reflection and observation while listening to yourself and learning.
It's so hard, isn't it.. I found her videos after I'd already done a lot of work on narcissistic abuse, so they don't trigger me as badly as they might have done a year ago. But the conflict between necessary education and unavoidable trigger is still a big deal for me. It's awful.
Trauma is often so undersupported, it's a hard road. I wish you good luck.
I find her videos to be empowering, shifting focus and energy to what I will do NEXT time in a similar situation. By detaching from the negative emotional charge of the gaslighting and turn it inside out to a positive and empowering "future reaction file, " you are no longer mentally and emotionally rehearsing the painful event, but rather an empowering potentially likely future event, armed with self-worth and a greater sense of inner peace.
My life has been a whole lifetime of narcacistic abuse. So happy I learned so much listening to you... ty Dr Ramani. I admire you
Oh my! You mentioned narcissistic characteristic traits that I recognized in myself. 😮 So humbling! In a nutshell, my problem was pointing a finger at everybody else and not taking responsibility for my own actions and mistakes! Humbling oneself is so difficult but truly rewarding in the long run and life changing! Main reason is because I am no longer a victim but instead a victor! 💐
Lying about someone is called defamation.
Not all the time. For example you've just eaten in a five star restaurant and then for whatever reason you go on social media trying to smear the guy saying his restaurant serves the worst food they've ever had. That is an opinion, not defamation. Now calling him a pedo or saying he's trafficking children. That's defamation.
Slander, defamation, false light, ...
@@pmeehan_3 unless you have evidence he is...
It Sure Is!!!!!
Prove it
Perfect comeback: “I’m sorry, I don’t play with gaslighters.”
Mediocre tbh
Friend at the table: “Woah, woah, woah…if this person is adamant about where you and your family have been but ‘wasn’t there’, I wouldn’t give them any hints about where ya’ll are going next. 👀”
58 year old here with an older brother that's a narcissist. Finding your videos have been life changing, no exaggeration. LIFE CHANGING. As recent as today in fact. My tactic is doing what you taught me and that is simply- not engaging. Prior it took my months, even over a year (the last time) to get over his verbal abuse and if anything he's now even worse than before. As you've before it gives us power and not engaging allows me to move on and not ruminate endlessly. THANK YOU for your work!
Whenever we feel the need to invite a certain family member, the ENTIRE family asks him to behave himself.
Same here
The statement "You're embarrassing yourself" is affective when applicable.
Effective
what stuns me about your example is the people surrounding the gaslighter and the victim go along with it and make the victim feel unsure of themselves for defending themselves instead of noticing, jumping in and pointing out the abuser. I got so used to that i had thought nothing of it
A get together with my brother’s family and my family for lunch at a restaurant, and my brother blindsides me by telling everyone I was sick EVERY Christmas growing up. In shock at him bringing up such a weird topic out of the blue and the falseness of his memory, I immediately started defending myself and my truth. My memories of childhood sicknesses were more like him and my dad ganging up and taunting me for “faking it.” I am very grateful I know what narcissism and gaslighting are now and how to handle it all, thanks to Dr. Ramani.
It is so horrible when family taunts and gaslights. It feels like such a betrayal.
My colleague once accused me in front of a group of friends that I never tried to help her find a job when she was looking for one. I was shocked because I knew I did. I searched our messenger conversations to show her how I offered her help at least twice and she then rejected it. Of course, I looked as a lunatic in front of the group and she stayed cool. Of course she trivialised it and said she was joking or something. I felt awful. Now, I try not to engage in conversations with her.
My ex used to try to tell everyone when we went to a get-together that he made all the money and I spent all the money. So I would say yeah I spend money on you know those crazy things like the mortgage, electricity, food.... He wanted to have a big fancy pickup truck. I was fine with the Expedition that we had. Well we ended up buying a Ford F-350 dually. $800 a month (this was 2006). Our mortgage at the time was $950. So we were at a party and he pulled his patented I make all the money and she spends all the money. My reply was yeah I spend money on crazy things like mortgage, food, electricity... that big truck that you had to have. HE NEVER SAID IT AGAIN! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
😢
👏
The Covert N I had the misfortune of meeting up there in Northern Utah, said to me, shortly after meeting her, " as time goes on, and you get to know me, you're going to find out I don't have very many friends, I'm not the easiest person to get along with " . Over time, she lied to me, lied to my children , smear campaigned me all over town lied to one of her co-workers about me, treated me like Crap , horribly abusive on a long distance drive , made sudden and unexpected misleading incredibly snarky and hurtful shaming comments to me and about me in front of folks that she Knew were friends of mine , like she was trying to Weaponized my own friends and Lord it over me, except her hurtful statements were patently false and deliberately misleading, etc. her initial caution to me Was the Understatement of the Year ! People Trust your Intuition, Always trust your deepest gut instincts and gently But firmly Hold Your Ground ! You Don't have to Explain ( if you don't want to ) and apologize to No One ! Your Truth Is Your Truth !
😳 sounds exactly like my ex wife! I’m sorry you had to go through that .
@@LetGaiaLive It was Watching Dr. Ramani Videos that helped me So much to understand and get myself and my children Out of there and away from her .
Thank you 👍
I'm sorry you were abused by her. I was also in a relationship with a guy with NPD, who did the same thing, the pre-warning about his behaviour.
It's like abusive people know that they are the problem, so they allude to it, so if their victim sticks around, the abuser thinks, "It's their own fault for staying with me, after I told them what I'm like".
Like my x boyfriend telling me it’s all my fault for believing his lies!!
I work as a guide at a manor with a long history. Sometimes guests say things or make comments about the history of the place that is incorrect. I usually correct them in a very polite way. Some of them go on insisting that they know best, but after giving my answers 2 to 3 times I just keep on looking vaguely polite and saying "oh thats interesting " and so on. Very much not engaging ( because why should I? They're free to believe what ever they want)
But what's amazing is how this makes some people SO MAD!
Of course this isn't them gaslighting me, they're just stupid people. But the non-engaging technique is very useful in many situations 😊
It can totally be gaslighting. Many people will straight lie about how sure they are when you correct them because they cannot stand the “shame” of being wrong. In service situations though, I just let ‘em act like I’m wrong until they feel like they puffed themselves up enough, and then move on calmly like ain’t nothing happened. Most the people observing the situation are aware that the gaslighter was displaying bad manners and probably blowing smoke. They are on the tour to listen to you, the professional guide. No one cares what some attention seeking chatterbox has to say, and there’s no need for you to pretend to care either- it just keeps the gaslighter going on and on; wasting all the polite clients’ time. ❤ Who knows? Maybe those polite clients will show their appreciation for you rkeeping the train on track by leaving bigger tips 😁
I’ve had this done to me publicly over some very silly stuff. I didn’t realize it though. I lacked awareness about this whole topic and thought the persons memory was literally failing them. By the end of it everyone was laughing, except the persons father, who said “Don’t let him do you like that.” I still have a hard time understanding what enjoyment these people get out of behavior like this. I struggle to understand ANY of it - motivations, results, reasons. I struggle to even recognize it while it’s happening, but in retrospect I can see the absurdity of the situation. So weird! Why are people so weird! I don’t play games like this with people. It’s so foreign to me.
I'm wondering why the father's allowing his adult child to ACT like that to a guest? I would think he'd shut it down.
It's unclear to me who the father said “Don’t let him do you like that.” If he said it to his son then I can see why the son is the way he is. If the father said that to you then to me it sounds like the father is somewhat of a decent person and that would make me wonder how the son is the way he is.
What clicked for me and is the easiest way to recognize narcissistic people is learn about Mimicking and Mirroring and you've seen they constantly have this switched on all the time they're always doing it. Even down to your physical tick's and habits they'll mimic and reflect it back to you by doing it just to either love bomb you to gain your trust and make you feel so loved and accepted, and then twist it around to be jerks for no reason using it against you by constantly doing it even when there's nothing wrong about it. They'll make people think there is something wrong with it.
When talking to them they may repeat back to you everything you said or join into the conversation and pretend they're actually interested in what you're talking about, maybe instead use it with other people taking it away from you and passing it off as their idea or what they thought of. If they know something about you they'll pretend to like it too when they don't just to hurt you with it. They may try to copy everything else too because all they want to do is devalue and be destructive it just depends how far they want to go with it and the level of crazy.
Lastly most people wouldn't do this to you and try to make you think it isn't what it is everyone else just leaves people alone and want to coexist, and it's why they incorporate "grey rocking" into the way they socialize with people to keep these people out. Anyone who does that knows exactly what you meant and will even try to get you to "prove yourself" and may try to turn the smallest thing into a competition to try and pull you in but don't take the bait just focus on the general vibe and energy of other people.
If people want to believe them and join in let them because you know they don't know you and you don't know them like why do you care? there's no attachment there and almost always will they affiliate themselves with a group of other narcissists so those making fun of you too are probably like them too you'll want to stay away from that.
@@NYbashaw3Maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree
When I brought up a problem with the narcissist I was in a relationship with, he'd say, "That didn't happen", then 2 minutes later he'd say, "The only reason that happened was because you ..." Then he'd accuse me of something I didn't do.
I didn't understand how a grown man could invent a lie on the spot, and claim it was true.
Then I read more, and found that people with personality disorders, confabulate and "remember" things which didn't happen. Their memories always put them in the right, and blame other people.
DARVO is the term for this: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In narcissists memories, they are always the victim, and the people they abuse is always the Offender who attacked them.
"The only thing that we expose, when we judge others, is our own character. Thank you for showing us your true colors. Now, as I was saying..."
This was excellent. Very helpful.
This is the motto I came up with when it comes to dealing with, and reacting to, Narcissists:
Never explain. Never defend. Put it back on them.
Although they live to make you think otherwise, it's never about what you said or didn't say, nor what you did or didn't do. It's about what THEY said and did. For instance, with public gaslighting, I find that it works quite well to simply say, "What an odd thing to say." (put it back on them)
Then, walk away like you see someone you know and would rather talk to, or immediately start a conversation with someone else at the table. If they try to engage you again, ignore them. And, as Dr. Ramani says, if they won't leave you alone, you can always head for the exit.
Having those one liners prepared is so important. One that has proved useful for me: that’s your opinion.
@@spedding120 Very true. Being prepared, even rehearsing, makes a big difference in how we react. Helps me stay in control of a situation. I like your "that's your opinion" one-liner, because they state things as factual to throw us off balance. Downgrading what they say to "opinion" lets them know they can't pull one over on us, hoping we believe their lie and doubt ourselves.
“I don’t enjoy this person.” Dr. R.❤
I would be extremely disappointed of my partner if he would choose to forget an experience just to get along with the crowd
When a toxic person realizes you cannot be controlled, that person will try to control how others see you. But stay above it, knowing that soon others will see the truth about that person, just like you did.
Sometimes takes a very longggg time! Very tough! And you do miss them 😢
@@karibennett3532 The moment I realized that I am no longer angry with that toxic person, that was the moment I knew I am over with that relationship. Now it is time for some else to learn the same lesson I did.
What a great video.
My boss used to gaslight me and I had no idea it was happening. And he did it in front of a company executive. Such a soul destroying experience.
Brilliant...Thank you Dr Ramani, if only every 14 year old could watch this video.. bless you,
Karen
THANK YOU! I've wondered for YEARS what the difference between lying and gaslighting is, or even the difference between gaslighting and having two valid differing opinions arguing. THIS clears it up!
Years ago I was accused of being a gaslighter for having a strong differing opinion as to what happened at an event. I never accused to opposing view as being crazy, just that they were mistaken. When I was accused, it shut me down. I had to double check myself. Was strongly insisting on my opinion gaslighting? Now I know the answer. Thank you so very very much.
“I was there, you have the right to be wrong.” Then grey rock.
Ohh I like this line ❤
What is grey rock?
Spot on. Sometimes just being seen is the biggest intervention of all. And next time don’t go to dinner with the gaslighting narcissists. Thank you so much dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤
Brilliant. Hung on every word till the end. You are Great at this, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
Shes a lifesaver. A rare gem 💎.
Don't Engage. Boom. Not worth it.
The best put down in that situation is to just smirk and say “Bless!” and then turn your attention away from them, and carry on talking to another guest.
This came at the perfect time as I am enduring public gaslighting at work with my boss as well as some other colleagues. Dr Ramani you put this together so well because the gaslighters make it look like you’re the crazy incompetent one when they are just trying to shift the blame from themselves. The unfortunate part is that working for “corporate America” the leaders seem to want to side with the gaslighter/narc. It’s a “no win” situation and is emotionally draining and exhausting with constant anxiety and sleepless nights.
The best methods ive come across for dealing with gas lighters in public are:
1. Proving the gaslighter wrong
2. Ignoring the gals lighter's gas light
3. Playing dumb, and asking them dumb questions until they out themselves (socratic method)
After many many years - I know my sister gaslighted me for many years. But there was one situation that I was feeling very guilty about - as I said something to her for once that wasn’t that nice but pointed something out in front of someone- it was truthful - she turned to me put me down and was vile in her tone- BUT I’ve just realised, that I was saying the truth and she did it again. Last 4 years I have felt guilty … thank you. You made me realise what happened with your explanation - thank you
I wish I learned this sooner, thank you.
I am unhinged too often.
My sister, older by 2 years, does the public gaslighting/duping/baiting/shaming/defaming/discrediting/out-casting & there has been no relief during my lifetime (60+ years) . . . My dad does it as well, & is slightly craftier in his technique . . . My mother is gone, I have no other siblings, my 2 children are grown & have almost completely withdrawn . . . Over the course of my life, I have repeatedly felt terribly alone & vulnerable.
This sounds like my family. I have moved away and they wonder why I am hesitant to go and stay with them. Had a best friend that was like this too, and they all talk about "why" I am so quiet.
Self isolating is very common for those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse. For me, it feels safe and has given me time to heal. Through videos like this one and others, I feel a sense of community with understanding souls.
I wish you the best in your healing journey. You are not alone. Thank you for commenting.
Value yourself and realize life is too short to spend around toxic people. Get involved with activities you enjoy to meet new people.
Well, that's the thing with narcissistic people they know how to make you lose your time your valuable lifetime. And that usually happens with empathic people who do not count their efforts to stick to their human values.
In retrospective, you were not alone you automatically decided to respect yourself and your values.
I believe people who do not do that get lost.
Now would you rather get lost or would you rather get old gracefully?
I can completely relate. I finally realized the totality of my narcissistic sisters bullying to me at the age of 60. She is my only sibling, and all my life, I wanted nothing more than a deep relationship with my only sibling. Our mother passed a year ago, and her entitled, selfish, downright awful behavior was the last straw. I have been no contact since December. They do not change, and we do not deserve the continuous abuse and cruelty. I and my best friend have “adopted “ each other as sisters. Our biological family does not have to be our tribe. Find the people who love and value you and feel genuine joy for you in your happiness.
This was soooo helpful!! I always felt like an idiot because I knew what they were doing but had no strategy to survive the situation. You are so insightful!
In our rush to defend ourselves, we often don't notice how rude a public gaslighter is. With the hotel example, it is rude to say bluntly or accusingly "You couldn't have stayed there in '02 because it wasn't built then." You respond by saying, "You think that hotel wasn't built by then. Okay." You drop it. Now it is about what the gaslighter thinks, not what you can prove.
Make the rudeness the problem. If the conversation continues, and you stay calm enough to really absorb how absurd it is, then you can ask as if you are genuinely interested, "What makes you think it wasn't there?" "What are your favorite places to stay?" "I am so pleased that you are enjoying your travels so much." "It is special to go to wonderful places and be pampered." Keep making the gaslighter the focus. Make sure butter doesn't melt in your mouth. Also, if it becomes an issue and you stay calm, others in the room are likely to pull the research up on their phones becoming unintentional allies.
Absolutely true and spot on, Dr Ramani. Thank you 🙏🏻
My Mom and my Sis would mix truth and lies to such a clever degree. To deny the lie, was to also deny the truth.
Sly. Cunning. Clever. A trap. A trick. A set up. Truth mixed with a lie. SO toxic. It explains perfectly how Eve was deceived in the Garden of Eden.
Thank you for giving good common situations.we can find ourselves in. Thank you for your service to channel and empower human relationships in the most healthy way forward.
At a family dinner party, after I had just reflected on how I missed my late grandfather and how we got on so well, one of my uncles said “I think you’re remembering your grandfather incorrectly.” Very direct gaslighting imo.
I responded quickly with “I’m very confident of my memory of my relationship with my grandfather, and I’m aware that he showed me love and protection in a way that he didn’t to you, and I’m sorry for that.” I told my uncle that relationships are complicated and that we don’t relate to the same person in the same way.
How ironic that I was the younger person teaching an elder about relationship dynamics.
It sounds like he has pain you're not aware of. Disagreeing isn't necessarily gaslighting.
I've had my favourite uncle. His son tried to tell me once he is not who I think he is. I felt offended. After his death I've learned he was indeed abuser, and what I thought was his real persona, was his superficial charm. It was painful to realise since I've had so many good memories of him
The dog didn’t bark, your uncle was most likely talking for your parent, sometime we are pawns in a narcissistic game
Brilliant! Thank you! 😍😍
They leave so many witnesses....but cowards wont stand by you, they rely on this. 13:41
Indeed, no greater gift to help and validate the person being gaslit 🙏 Thank you for that, hope people will stop being narcissistic enablers and turn into victim helpers/healers ☺️
Spent many family gatherings being the scapegoat for my brother (the golden child and center of attention) humiliating me and not once did anyone, Mother father sister aunt uncle cousin etc, speak up for me. I would excuse myself to the bathroom and cry. I would have loved for someone to speak up and stand up for me even just once. Came to realize the only solution was distance.
@@Paulohlsson7 What is your deal, buddy?
Good on you. I hope you have met other healthier people. My family is similar. It's tough and disappointing. Good on you for giving yourself space.
Lookin' good, Dr. Ramani!! Thank you for the wisdom. You look beautiful!!!
I never clicked on anything so fast. I’m taking notes ✍️
Same here. This is a lesson I need.
You found an awesome mentor. Stick with it for continual improvement with yourself and your new life. Healing is a long game process that will get better with time and effort. ❤
@@EJS1968 I love that. Thank you. I truly believe my strong core identity from childhood saved me from these cycles. I started learning more about this a few years ago. I’ve been following Ramani for a while and I genuinely mean it when I say she saved me. On so many levels and in so many ways. It’s helped me heal and grow so much. Understand what is acceptable. What is unacceptable. How to gracefully bow out and disengage. I hope everybody hurting from these cycles finds their peace too ✨
Not to toot my own horn too loudly, but I commented this elsewhere and sharing here (if you need a quick solution.). The following technique works like a bloody charm:
Alternatively, I find a quick Google search at the first swing is effective. At the shaming attempt, throw oneself under the "I'm just pedantic " self-deprecation bus, and then (for the group shame attempt), a calm, "Totally get it--accuracy isn't high priority for everyone--I know I'm uptight about facts" *insert cutesy shrug and grin here*. Which yes, is playing the passive aggressive game--but having been raised by a narcissist, and having been in several longterm dynamics with them--I swear, it's like they're freaking everywhere--it works every time, AND sets a prophylactic precedent. Eventually, the person who does the quick Google check becomes the one the room turns to when the next person is targeted for the social gaslight attack.
One time we gaslighted a girls mom. She said her car wasn’t in the garage in the middle of the night. The girl had gone on a joy ride. She just told her mom she must had been dreaming and the mom took the bait. She didn’t call her mom stupid or any name calling. It was a get out of jail free card… just stick to your reality .. and I don’t confront the gaslighter either.
Wonderful and kind suggestion, Dr. Ramani, to later offer support and validation to a person who you observed being gaslighted in front of others. ❤
Hi Cindy, how's your day going with you?
“Your gaslighting engagement in this conversation is boorish, and borders on being abusive.”
I feel like it is abusive.
My caveat is: any time a target uses the word 'you' or 'your' typically gives the abuser/narc/gas lighter permission to go nuts.
I tend to ask generalized but pointed questions. This breaks their flow & their brains tend to melt. 😂😊😂
I would rephrase what you posted as:
"Did you know that gaslighting is a boorish tactic and borders on abuse?"
This gets the bully into another part of their thinking process and tends to COMPLETELY shut off the attack.
My experience, anyway. 😊
"I'm glad you have an opinion all of your own, good for you!" is my favorite retort in such cases
I have removed myself from a family situation where I was constantly gaslit. I am grateful for that. I was in a work situation where myself and many co-workers were gaslight and dealt with other toxic behaviors. I am grateful that my "boss" has retired and I have taken over her position. If she hadn't retired, I would have been looking elsewhere for employment because she was awful. We were treated like children and she expected adult-like behavior from the children that we worked with. She even took credit for my work at times. I don't know how she kept her job for 41 years! Probably because management was in a building 30 minutes away and never saw the true person she was. I've learned how NOT to be a leader from her!
I'm the googler at the table. Can confirm that gaslighter would try to turn the group dynamic against you. I don't do friend/family groups anymore as a result.