Why It's a Bad Idea to Live Together Early in a Relationship
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- Опубліковано 13 вер 2024
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When you grew up neglected, falling in love can feel so wonderfully healing that (of course) moving in together with your new love feels irresistably positive. But there's a reason why the courtship process takes time. How do you override the urge to merge your life with someone you don't know yet? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who rushed into living together and now struggles to manage the emotions coming up.
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Having space in your own place is immeasurable!
It. Is. Priceless! I wouldn't swap it for the world. After a few stutters I'm here!
I am not sure i understand .Space in what way ? Space to be alone and not taking into considaration other peopls wants or needs when you feel the need to do so. Space as in a big house ? English is my second language so maybe I complitly misunderstood you
Ive seen so many people move in together so early on and it's almost always failed so badly... Don't stay with someone just because you've been through a lot together! 💯💯
I think it's the "Sunk cost fallacy". Well, it's way more than that, but it's part of it. Unfortunately, I know all to well.
Yeah me and my wife moved in fast and we’ve had a crazy 16 years and are just now approaching recovery because we are both children of alcoholics and trauma bonded
We’re trying to figure out how to move forward hoping we can figure it out love the fairy community
@@bingflosbyI’m so happy that both of you are seeking help and I’m rooting for you 🎉
@@lidiapietrusza5014 it’s really difficult I recently heard a therapist say most people are just preparing for divorce and I hope that isn’t us
Excellent
I’m sort of listening to what you’re saying… but I’m REALLY paying attention to HOW you’re saying it… strong, clear, articulate purposeful rambling… cadence that draws one in and keeps you eager for more. You remind me of that reassuring summer camp counselor or nonjudgmental favorite aunt. Easy to endure. Delightful yet firm, open, forgiving, uplifting and motivating.
♥️♥️♥️
I dated a guy when I was 20 whose personality was to shower everybody with love. I was so disconnected from my emotions and unused to someone even showing me kindness let alone love. It would make me very uncomfortable and questioned what was he after. I was at the lowest point in my life and couldn't accept that he was just a really kind caring person.
My husband is more of the laid-back kind of person and is able to recognize that sometimes I just need some space to work through or in some cases reconnect to my emotions.
It looks like she is a fearful avoidant and he is anxiously attached. I would give the relationship a full year before even considering moving in together. The more you wait, the better.
Im a big believer in ALWAYS becoming a completely autonomous individual before being in a relationship. That means:
1) You have a job & demonstrated you can hold down that job
2) You can pay all your own bills & demonstrated you can be financially stable
3) You have an emergency fund that would cover a years worth of rent & car problems
Ive never been taken advantage of or been stuck in a toxic relationship. How? Predatory people go after the easy targets. Im not an easy target because in any negotiation Im able to leave the negotiation. If there is ANYTHING that would force you to have to make a deal... you will lose that negotiation. That is not an issue with healthy people however you don't know if someone is healthy or predatory right up until you are negotiating
As a banker, we look for these things too. And on a personal level, people who meet these guidelines tend to be concientious. They go hand in hand.
It’s too early!
Also, him wanting to live together is ‘nice’ but why the rush?!
If he’d be moving in (and it doesn’t work out), it will be a nightmare getting him out (or could be).
I’d be extremely cautious👍
Right. And to what end goal? For convenience? To lock her down and take her off the market? Did they discuss who pays what bills? What if there's a fight and she needs space. Will he leave?
A full year is good. See them in every season. If they're a sports fanatic, is that something you can live with?
@@recoveringsoul755
Great points!
I’d like to see her wait at least 2 yrs - gives her a lot more information.
Not everyone is transparent.
Make the best informed decision you can.
If in doubt, don’t!
Every time i lived with someone, it was always THEIR idea to live together. Never mine. I didn't need to financially.
Only one of those wasn't abusive and i required separate bedrooms. Its still one of my favorite places i lived
I always see a red flag when anyone wants to move in so quickly. I've heard too many stories where it ended up the one pushing for living together ended up being abusive, wanting control and isolating the person. I know not everyone is like that but you have no idea when first getting involved and 5 months is really early on. There's no way you can know who someone is that quickly.
@@wordivore happened 2/3 times for me they were abusive and cheap. The 3rd one I should have married...
My ex lost her house due to Hurricane Ian. And moved in with me while it was being rebuilt. After 6 months together. The funny thing is, we spent most nights together and felt like we lived together. But, it went downhill very quickly after she officially moved in with me. The true colors came out quick. And the red flags I ignored/missed were glaringly apparent.. It was quite unfortunate... And we were definitely enmeshed.
Even when I was married I wished I lived alone😂🤷🏻♀️ I prefer my own space
"Live together" intermittantly while you both retain your separate spaces. It can literally take 2 years to know somebody well enough & I am a firm believer in maintaining separate spaces while staying with one another intermittently. I hope you find the healing you seek, Reyna. I pray blessings of sobriery continue to be yours for the rest of your days & nights! 🎉😊
I hope she takes your advice 🥰
Wishing you love and healing, "Reyna!"
Too soon. Barely past the honeymoonish romantic stage- wait til triggers surface & see how they are addressed by both of you- wait for those trials & testing in case either of you or both of you discover that you are not as committed as you think.
Exactly.
It's the triggered character, including how eaily they get triggered and their capacity to own and regulate it and take responsibility for it, that is the most important to know.
I would never ever share space other than with pets and children, ever again.
I love living alone bahahahaa
I had a guy who wanted to be roommates, he wanted a relationship and to be roommates, unfortunately he has never been one before. I said no, because I knew deep down it would be a bad idea. He's never been through it, later I learned about his health problems, and that he was a narcissist, but all of my feelings knew it was bad, and would be a horrible idea. So that would have been bad on so many scenarios.
I've had the experience in 2021 that so fast as the guy entered in my life and into my home, he felt like leaving and never talking to me again, ever. And I even got pregnant and we lost the baby a month later, which was painful and a relief for both of us. I felt abandoned, betrayed, angry and so sad. But I learned my lesson. I won't let anyone enter into my life and my bed that fast ever again! Talk about moving in together.. no way.
I just love how you can feel her plight, and explain it to your audience in such a caring and kind way. I am fascinated by you in sSOo many ways and this is only my 2nd one I'm watching of you. Thank you
I’ve just learned a new rule I will now stick by: before getting married, live together and witness an event that changes one of your lives. We dated for seven years on and off then moved in and I felt I only wanted to wait six months before proposing because I wanted to keep the excitement of a fresh commitment going. We got married and then a mental diagnosis happened to my spouse that drastically changed her as a person. I should’ve waited until something like this happened to watch how or if we would grow together. We immediately grew apart and other than incremental steps towards each other, kept going that direction. It proved to me that we didn’t have what it takes to turn back towards each other if one of us changed. Marriage is about anticipating your spouse will evolve, grow OR change in a nonpositive way. When this happens, you must turn towards each other. We did not do that. I should’ve waited to propose because now I’m contemplating divorce. It’s been a year and a half of distance and I am no longer in love with her.
This was one of the wisest things I feel like I've read in a while, thank you for sharing your experience
As a Christian, we build the friendship before getting married, we don't live together before marriage and then get married and accept whatever God sents. If you can't stand the mental illness, I think you are allowed to divorce. However, this mental illness could have as well happened to you. It depends what God puts you through in this life as a couple. Waiting for seven years to get married? What took you so long? Sex without marriage? No responsibility there...When you married, you promised to be together through good and through worse, right? Here is the worst. Can you handle it? If no, there is always the divorce. Please don't have hateful feelings towards your spouse! Her brain isn't working well.
Best advice ever! Good luck to letter writer. You can make it, you really can.
Just in case the letter writer sees this - this resonates with me SO much, it’s as if it’s my same story! My advice would be to take it slowly and ensure to keep growing your sense of self at the forefront.
I was with someone who showed me this exact same love, following a lot of bad/abusive relationships, same acceptance of my volatility at the start, helped me stop drinking, moved in before the year mark etc, and after 5 years we recently broke up because the relationship wasn’t functional/happy.
He is SUCH a wonderful person and we’re still friends, but after a lot of work on myself I’ve realised the relationship was codependent, with him almost as my rescuer/fixer, which may sometimes feel and sound nice but ultimately isn’t healthy. Having someone there who loves and supports you can aid healing, but the rescuing/fixing ends up having to come from within.
I’ve also recognised that I have/had a fearful avoidant attachment style, which can create that push/pull dynamic (fear of abandonment alongside fear of commitment) so I’d maybe suggest looking into attachment styles, just in case anything comes up ☺️
Thank you for this as always Anna and, letter writer, wishing you all the love and luck in the world ❤
It is really almost my story! Amazing to see how childhood trauma plays out…
I'm glad you shared your story. There is some good advice, but I wonder how you stayed friends with an ex. It is usualy very unhealthy. You got to move on with your life and let him move on with his life. Wishing you lots of healing and praying for you.
@@iolantham we’ve been able to stay friends because it was an amicable and mutual break-up 😊 our communication just centres around me visiting to see the dog we shared, as we both deemed it unfair for him to lose a key person from his life entirely! We’ve both moved on and are much happier - there’s simply lots of respect from both sides
@@Zoe88859 Still, this is unhealthy. Having to do withan ex does not help moving on. A total breakup would help. Besides, how can you have guy friends? None of the guy friends stays, unless he's romantically interested in you. If it's just for the dog, please get yourself another dog and leave him completely.
I don't think anyone should move in together until they have at least been on vacatuon together . (lol)
It seems to me that more often than not,If a couple moves in together before they get married,the relationship doesn't work out and ends in heartbreak 💔...
Move in slow and find out......But don't marry. This is my advise.....I prefer to stay without a contract.....And do you know how much stress with both families this forced kind of fairytale event will give to you both? Especcially for traumatised people.....Don't do it!♡♡♡
And if they get married instead of living together? a marriage certificate doesn't insure a good relationship.
this advice was gold!
I used to just love the "bass players", to the point when if a man said I had a nice place I'd get nervous. Bad, bad idea to let anyone move in. Ever.
Thank you for this.❤
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
Great topic
Great advice. Thanks❤❤❤❤❤
You are most welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Check out their friend's and work situation, evaluate their OCEAN.
Thank you for that suggestion. That would be helpful to know. I guess there aren't "bad" answers; but you want them to be toward the middle rather than extreme.
I require a SAFE HOME right now! Please and thank you!
After my first (and only) relationship I made a rule for myself (which can apply to everyone who wants to experience genuine love). If it's real, there's no need to rush, a relationship has to survive tests, it has to be tested by life, until you can be sure it's sustainable. I don't know if my rule is "too" rigid, it might be too exaggerated, especially considering how fast-paced modern life is and how quickly things can change, especially if someone wants to become a parent and doesn't have enough time to wait, but it will, at least, ensure you know what you're getting yourself into!
1.) Don't confess love, until you've known the person for (at least) two years and you know them really well.
2.) Don't live together, until two years have passed from the moment on that you've confessed your love to each other, which makes it four years in total.
It sounds silly, but it's maybe more mature than moving in after a couple of weeks, which I did in my first relationship where I wasn't really given the option to reject!? 🤕
This is very, very wise. I can hear it is wisdom from experience.
@@thinker646 Thank you so much!
I basically just drew from Erich Fromm's book about love, and partly also my own painful experience, which is pretty limited but still kind of universal. :)
I appreciate your comment, though!
I have to say; I don’t know if Anna is gonna say this too. But she definitely does not sound ready for a healthy relationship. I just started going to ACA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings regularly, and I didn’t realize it was a 12 step program. I feel so much hope knowing there is a path forward to recovering from my cptsd. But until I get things under wrap to where I can manage my triggers and combat the overreactivity I experience, I do not think I could be in a real relationship. If we’re still behaving like that, we’ll only attract other traumatized people, which it sounds like he is if he’s rushing things. Healthy, secure people won’t want to stay with someone like that; and it’s their prerogative not to.. We have to put in the work to overcome these things.
I don’t want to sound judgmental but this writer sounds like she’s in a really hard place. Having meltdowns and freak outs at someone, breaking up with them over and over.. why are you getting into a relationship then?
I’ve done this twice. The first time it failed horribly and was a red flag I couldn’t see at the time. This time, I got pregnant with his baby and needed a safe place and we have separate bedrooms. I am very optimistic about this relationship blossoming, even under pressure, even though we moved more quickly than is ideal.
Watching this as I remove all the junk from our old apartment… BY MYSELF
Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It definitely is a pressure cooker.
Great advice.
Thank you! -Calista@TeamFairy
First comment that I have is about someone helping us to recover from addiction, any addiction that is, no one can help us recover from any addiction. It is up to us to find professional help for recovery of any sort, and hopefully, to find a psychoanalytic therapist who will help us get to the "root core," of the issue so it can be healed. In this particular case of this lady, her attraction to this man maybe the fact she is seeking someone to "rescue her," from herself. Way too soon for a relationship, any relationship. We need to heal our own issues first, find ourselves and who we are and then maybe then start looking for a partner. And, what is not addressed her, is where is he coming from? What is his hurry to move in with her? Doesn't sound like he has the ability to take care of himself either. People attract people who are like themselves. What issues does he have that he has not healed?
And another consideration that should never be overlooked is the fact that she is newly into her recovery and if this relationship should fall apart then she is at risk for picking up and starting her abuse with alcohol all over again because she does not have enough recovery time under her belt to not fall back into her addiction.
How do I know? Been there, done that.
For me i hade soooo much problem with sex in the first years of the relationship because of childhood trauma (sexual abuse). Sometimes i just could not..
And i was question myself if i really was attracted but im pretty sure it was my depression speaking "leave now.. !"...
3-4 years later we moved in together, its 17 years now and we have amazing kids.
Could you please share more on how you overcame the sexual abuse trauma? It didn't just "go away" by itself after a while, did it?
@@RussMalina I was in therapy and medications , antideppresive saved my life. It never goes away and i have to live with it but its not always there anymore. It feel way better if u can get angry about it, let the feelings out. Talk about its helps!
If you take it slow they take another. They don't wait so long anymore ..I had a date once..slept with him..and after that we stayed together 10yrs..and if he wanted children we would still be together...we didn't respirate in drama...it was fun, love, active, he never said no because we both liked our things..well brought up by his parents,so good for a woman .. it happened this way with many people I asked..they are married 25 yes
I connected with someone from a different country a few months ago. At this point I was still into the twin flame nonsense and believed God was bringing us together. I overlooked some things that were or should have been a big issue - such as her religion (same religion I left years ago, it just wouldn't work for me).
I rushed into things and even bought a plane ticket to meet her for 3 weeks. Eek.
Once my trauma surfaced big time, I had to cancel.
I don't know if I'll ever have a healthy relationship but I'll do what I can.
he stopped her drinking - that's huge. A huge plus.
The part at 10:14 about the bf putting up with abuse: that was me with the guy I started seeing in 2000. He was ridiculing & controlling from Day 1, but I wanted that relationship so badly that I let it slide-I knew that I was letting it slide, and I let it slide. We moved in after a couple of months. We got engaged after three years. We got married a year later. And now after 20+ years together, we are getting divorced. I’m pretty sure he’s a narcissist, or at least has his own CPTSD history with narcissistic tendencies. So yes, that “yellow flag” of being with a person who puts up with your abuse-That really is a flag.
Wait a year I'd say
You're really great cause I wouldn't know what to tell her, sshe elucidated a looot of important informations, how they mate, why she broke up, does he have a savior syndrome and attach himself to broken girls only, how she's doing with her addiction, etc.
I think it's unwise to live together at all before marriage. Someone, usually both people, are being used with no protection. An awful idea, especially for women.
Thank you so wise I agree then this break up make up back and forth No way
OH MY THIS IS MINE AGAIN
Moving in together?; what a laugh. I've had 25 rejections out of 25 approaches in 10 years. Rejection is killing me.
Apparently I'm a great bloke.
Court ordered 😅
Tip: meet after work, you will get to know the real person as who they are after work
I would never get a girlfriend if I followed this !
Yes Yes Yes
❤
Oof 😭
Men move in with women before there Divorce is finalized Big jerks
God designed sex to be enjoyed within marriage. It bonds a husband and wife, protects from STDs, is a guard against fornication/adultery, and children born of their union have both their father and mother to love and care for them.
People can get STDs from their mother, or from being sexually abused
God isnt real
@@misspeach3755 why do animals have sex with each other then lmao they’re not married
I’m tired of people say I’m crazy I know I’m not crazy I’m damaged goods and ten years ACOA three years in lock down all famous therpy at dr now glade I met you wrong time all these surgery’s two last year and the dr nerologist my back surgeon won’t work on my back till I get healthier and I’m getting sicker lumps in my lympnodes this morning weak but I saved my home townhouse car freelance business I built up 23 years of sever struggles almost homeless seven years ago but my second husband died got social secruity and pension saved my home reverse mortgage 68 sick now always had auto immune diseases but I kept going makeup is my passion I just kept running for my life program utube drs but now I found you my angel on my shoulder ❤thank you so much @lorraineamicothemakeupartist I left the ACOA for last year because I degluttered my house that’s why I left couldn’t do both now I’m back Monday nights did three mondays but knew I needed something more different then this that’s you I never drank drugs ever smoked just was a big shopper but not no more now have to worry about more surgery’s my neurosurgeon said he will talk to me in august will not operate till I get better he said I’m very very sick extremely I know part of it is the brain he was looking at the brain MRI for awhile then my back is bone on bone very very bad and just had last year the C1 tumor mass it was the wheel chair or surgery to remove I got PTSD from drs and nurses kept pumping me with morphen I don’t even take tynol I could take extreme pain all my life mental and physical I’m burnt out 2022 destroyed me I worked like a animal to save everything I did now have to save my brain so my neurosurgeon can do fourth back surgery always had some health issues but not these big surgery’s in 1989 head on collision they removed bone from my head they put a surgical plate by my nose 172 staples across my head hospital three weeks home three months it was a set up that was when I was with the first husband that lives in Florida wanted me to go back to him never he thought that I didn’t know what happened to me mob style disgusting so now I have you and extremely sick but I go to physical therpy every other day three times a week had every test so I can fix my health and with you I think my brain hopefully by august will have more awareness so he can do this bone on bone surgery I probably have to wait a year next year I’m too weak and have either the thyroid removed or it’s canser of the thyroid or throat just found this out it’s all the PTSD I got very very sick last year and this year so you came just in time for me because of 68 straight years of torture will finally come to a end I’m receptive to you that means your great better then any therapist I’ve been around FOR ONCE I HAVE HOPE I was starting to give up because of all these sever surgery’s and still more to come must work on my brain right away when my new nerologist said your very sick not well but I have to get better before he could operate 😢listened to you these two weeks 😮now I know have to heal my sick mind @lorraineamicothemakeupartist 😊❤