Stop Making Bad Relationships Work by Hiding From Truth
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- Опубліковано 15 гру 2021
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When an abuser twists your sense of reality, trying to make unacceptable situations seem like they’re no big deal (or not happening at all) we call it GASLIGHTING. But you know who also can do this to you sometimes? YOU! If you've ever tried to make a relationship work by rationalizing another person's behavior -- blaming their past trauma for hurtful behavior, trying to "help" them, or blaming yourself. you may be gaslighting yourself. In this video I respond to a letter from a father of two small kids who is trying to single-handedly make his wife stay in the marriage.
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover
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One of the BIGGEST revelations that I’ve had in recent years is that most of the pain I’ve been in wasn’t really caused by the guy who initially hurt me. It was caused by me revisiting the hurt over and over again (not from being triggered, but because I kept talking about it, kept rehashing it, every single day for more than a year), and I believed that he was hurting me. But he wasn’t hurting me. He wasn’t even around. He probably wasn’t even thinking about me. I was hurting me. I was getting myself upset, making myself cry, and often that involved going in and out of gaslighting-type self talk where I would try to convince myself that thing weren’t that bad and then I’d get angry with myself (and him) because YES THEY WERE.
Hours and hours of arguments that took place entirely in my head. Just me, talking to me. And only I could stop it.
Once I realized that, I was actually on the path to stopping!
Mm-hmmm. Yup!
Wow, what an insight. Thank you for sharing this.
Would u believe i did this for 5 years i am still with this guy and i still have a physical contact i jyst cant get out coz he blackmails me emotionally
Thank you for sharing your experience @Bitchen Boutique 🙏🏻 So relatable! Once I quit blaming my mom & the people I dated for my suffering, my healing was expedited.
Congratulations on your growth & progress ❤️🌟
@@cherp5837 You’ll find a way. I believe in you!
When we try to get blood out of a stone...we end up bleeding instead.
Steve's wife has already left. For peace of mind, he needs to relinquish the relentless control because you cannot force a person to change...you cannot force someone to love you.
Grievously painful and challenging though it is... letting go and starting a new independent life appears to be the healthiest option.
This is very, very sad.
Yes! I gaslighted myself and strung myself along for more than a year with a man I wanted a relationship with. He wanted"friends with benefits" and it was obvious, but I deluded myself into believing he'd change his mind. With no evidence of change. Uh huh.
me right now. im seeing a girl who also has bpd along with myself. she only wants to be friends with benefits but i adore her and i am trying hard to be a gentleman about pursuing her... makes me feel like a total idiot and a loser but no one else pays me any attention so :))
@rektas I have bpd, done almost. A decade of therapy. Fwb often i wanted a lot more but the I hate U dont leave me attitude would let.fwb work because committed relationship I would sabotage and start hating them but when broken up or they'd actually leave I'd love them and be obsessed and idealize. Fwb allowed me to keep people far enough away from my "dark side", splitting is big. Part of bpd, but still close. And if they leave which I'd always expect it would protect me. I've since been in a committed relationship for 5 yrs, but I took 2 years off Fter I pushed him away to work on myself and I went celibate and saw what was wrong with the relationship etc and we got back together over a year ago and llive together again. I don't minimize the love anymore or try to sabotage it
@@Iwillsurvive95 hi there this is so enlightening this feels like what I do... any tips on how to get thru it? Congrats on working thru it that's wonderful x
It’s good it was that short. Mine went on for 15 or more years. think God you saw it soon!
@@ztker As long as you hold on to something toxic, you cannot make room for anything positive. View your heart as a parking space. You cannot put a new car there because there's already one occupying it. Be courageous! You deserve much better.
There's an elephant in the room that may be being ignored in this story. With two autistic children at least one of the parents is probably autistic as well, although they may be very high functioning, and not know it. I wasn't diagnosed until very late and it's taken several years of reflection to put some of the pieces in place about my family. If neither party in a relationship knows that one of them is autistic, it skews perception and affects behaviors. I'm not saying this as a means of salvaging this marriage, sometimes things just can't be fixed after awhile, but I'd be tracing the family history to find if there are any other autistics back in the woodpile. From the letter, it's not obvious which one could be autistic or otherwise "neurodiverse." My belief is being autistic covered a hell's worth of poor decisions and far worse responses all around my family simply because we all thought we were just like everyone else - and not all of us were, at least not to the degree that would have produced effective, long lasting relationships.
I dont think there is any indication that either of these individuals are autistic or even narrative evidence that these children are necessarily their biological ones.
Its interesting to me that in a time when psychology has disavowed Aspergers Diagnosis and the markers of autism are well understood both behaviorally and genetically, including it's almost unique place as a malady looked for in children under the age of three -- I 've never seen a time where so many people believe they resonate with this diagnosis or suggest others do, embracing the image of neurodivisity that is a positive but often misleading moniker.
He doesnt sound like his relational issues stem from high functioning autism nor from his comments, that hers do, I'm agree with Ana that this seemed sadly quite straight forward to an objective 3rd party and cringy to remember the painful circumstances in our own lives when we arent able to allow ourselves at first, to have that clarity as well..
@@empress_highpriestess3307 I don't think you know as much about autism as you think you do.
@Paul Gauthier well, I missed part then. The train wreck just gets worse, doesn’t it?
I came to say this as well. Autism is still not always easily diagnosed, especially in females, & if there aren't glaringly obvious signs, & depending on where you live, even when signs are obvious, they are often swept aside if the individual is deemed "too capable ", "not struggling" etc. Screening young children for autism wasn't even a regular/common practice when these parents were that age, so it's almost certainly at least a possibility. Adult Autism, especially in females, is often misdiagnosed for years as other mental issues before it's finally diagnosed properly. If I were these folks in the letter, I'd do some reading on it, and see if some of the stress/anxiety may be alleviated through being mindful of masking burnout (esp the upper-level Healthcare worker) & environmental stressors that may help take things down a notch in the feeling overloaded department. Just a thought
@@empress_highpriestess3307 , Asperger's didn't go away as a diagnosis, it and autism were included together into Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). The same thing happened with ADHD, when ADD (attention deficit disorder) was combined into a spectrum with ADHD, which are separated into three "presentations": Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined. (Then, people with both Inattentive and Hyperactive-Impulsive traits have a single diagnosis, instead of a dual diagnosis of ADD/ADHD.)
The change of terminology doesn't (or at least shouldn't) change the fact that there are people who have these conditions, and thus have certain traits and certain needs.
I, for one, care about finding better ways to advance the knowledge, educate the public, assist and advance the people affected by these conditions (and their families), and improve the general acceptance & inclusion of people with neurodiversities... I care less about the terminology used, as long as that terminology is respectful of people with those conditions. (So glad that terms like "retarded" have gone out of general use.)
I love this format Anna. Its really great how you go line by line and get down to business. You're really funny and super honest and kind. I LOVE CRAPPY CHILDHOOD FAIRY! I tell everyone about you.
Thank you!
Yeah she’s amazing
Yes you're amazing!
This almost describes my story. I went through this with my husband of 20 years. Once a person starts taking about “loving but no being in love” the relationship is over. She already moved on emotionally. She doesn’t care if he finds another sexual partner. She doesn’t want to feel guilty for wanting to do it her self if she hasn’t done it already. It’s a matter of time, she is prepping him. Most likely once she figures out how to do it, she’ll leave.
It almost sounds like she is in love or lust with someone else already. And doesn't have the courage to say it. And he is being consumed by the terrible pain of rejection, abandonment and impending loss. Sad all round.
Very hard.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wasn’t. There was no one else but me. With the control and his codependency I had to.
I don't think that's necessarily so. She's just feeling extremely stifled and sees that as one way to feel something new. She may or may not be acting on it.
I’ve witnessed antidepressants turn MANY people into more numb, disconnected, selfish versions of themselves. Breaks my heart to hear it in this case! 💔🙏🏼
sometimes it’s that or killing yourself though
agree.
and I've never been happier.
my ex got that way
Yep, sometimes those medications do exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to do. Also, taking multiple on top of eachother is a sign that instead of taking the patient off of the medication that is making them worse not better, they just add in more bad medications. This can become life threatening (seratonin syndrome) and this is how my mom ended up hospitalized on suicide watch.
I’ve never met a couple who has thrived with polyamory. It’s always a sign to me that something is missing.
I was so damaged that I gaslit myself for 25 years, trying to "make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". I thank God for not giving up on me - always had the nagging feeling - and made me realize I deserve better. So at 60, I'm alone but finally at peace.
I was dating someone in summer. Previously in 10 year abusive relationship and ended it.
I dated this new guy for 7 weeks, it was long enough to spot all the red flags so I ended it and explained exactly why.
He’s just tried to hit me up 6 months after I ended it saying he still has feelings for me etc. and he can’t move on without getting a definite no from me 🤣
I was livid. Told him he had my answer 6 months ago and I don’t tolerate abuse.
He still denies he was abusive despite me reminding him of why.
Told him he’s welcome to disagree with my reality and to f*ck off!
I agree with Anna wholeheartedly. I think when you have the courage to establish your own firm, honest boundaries, then let go of the outcome, you gain self-respect and often win more respect from others, and failing that, you gain peace. Steve has his needs, his wife has her own, and they might be different, but the only way to achieve clarity is for someone to take the lead.
Reminds me of Will Smith & Jada.
How you see Will's been gaslighting himself trying to make like it's fine being in an "open" relationship, and yet he's in a constant emotional meltdown around people.
Another elephant in the room is that some women are turned off/uninspired and even annoyed by a man who doesn't have an income. Some women struggle to disassociate men with ability to provide and fully operate from their masculine.
This video is a perfect example of self-gaslighting. Thank you Anna.
This was a hard one for me. I feel like as a mom to three children under 5, experiencing homelessness, an abusive relationship ending in divorce after my first baby, PPD x2, PTSD and a miscarriage all in the last 6six years I feel like this a lot. I have felt like running away and wanting to give my husband sexual freedom simply because I am so overwhelmed and I have so little support. If he really doesn’t listen and really doesn’t support her when she needs him she may be responding from a place of deep pain. She may not actually want any of these things at all.
I thought the same. He is not listening to himself and is certainly not listening to his wife's needs in this relationship. She sounds as if she needs space to be as she is and heard. Sue probably needs a partner in her husband rather than a carer.
Forced positivity can send another person deeper into the darkness.
Best wishes for you on your journey x
When she says at 15:50 that "it's almost obvious that she's already having a sexual relationship with someone", that was kinda what I was thinking. I didn't understand the signs with my wife when she was talking like "Steve's" wife, saying she wanted an open marriage...it was because she was in an online relationship with someone, and was completely infatuated. (They still hadn't met in person, at that point, and it was a month or two later that she disclosed the affair to me.)
If your spouse is having an affair, or is infatuated with a very different lifestyle, they might be in limerence. (See Anna's other videos about limerence. I first learned about it on videos from another UA-cam channel, Marriage Helper, but the Crappy Childhood Fairy videos have helped me realize better why WHY my wife was susceptible to limerence.)
Appreciate you sharing your experience, great point about an internet romance!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We had an open polyamorous marriage. I experienced what it felt like to love someone and be attracted to them. I didn’t have these feelings for my husband. I resonate w this marriage so much. He deserves to be loved and have someone attracted to him. Maybe she was never really in love. Maybe they got together and it was infatuation and the honeymoon period wore off but felt she could not do any better and stayed in a sexless marriage
And only had sex out of obligation and hated it and resented it. Maybe he was controlling and corrected her in public and her children started doing it too. Maybe she felt extremely lonely even with her family all around her because she felt they were against her because of the public correcting just for standing too close to someone in the grocery line. And this went on for years until she couldn’t take it anymore and put her foot down and demanded it stop. But meanwhile he is doing everything to try to make her fall back in love with him by serving her. Although she very much appreciated these efforts it didn’t work. Because her love language was quality time and really she just longed for him to put down his screens and pay attention to her and have a meaningful conversation that made her light up for once. This is what happened to us 🥲
@@randiwin6034 I'm glad for the happiness that you've found. When one spouse is controlling, it is hurtful to the other spouse and not healthy for the marriage.
It's one thing to leave a bad marriage, but it is another thing entirely to have an affair. As the betrayed spouse, I can say with absolute certainty that being cheated on has been the most difficult and hurtful thing that I have ever experienced.
I am monogamous (mainly by choice, in keeping with my personal beliefs, but I also feel that I'm also monogamous by my own nature). While I've been attracted to different women, I have only ever loved the one woman that I married. There were a few times previously in our marriage that we were emotionally distant from one another (most of those times I suggested marriage counseling, and she always replied that we ought to be able to work things out ourselves). We would reconnect, in good time, but usually by teaming up on some matter with one of our kids. I think that Dr. John Gottman's standpoint that most couples wait way too long (I think he says it's an average of 6 years) before seeking help for a marital issue. It's no wonder that so many marriages struggle. My own parents had a pretty stable marriage built on common values, including their shared belief that a marriage ought to be for life. But their relationship improved thanks to marriage & relationship books, attending at least one marriage retreat weekend, and many, many years being involved in a pro-marriage social organization that touted a divorce rate of no more than ten percent. Even with a good foundation, they put work, effort and education into their marriage. They fell more in love with each other by age 50.
Thank you for pointing out that she did open her heart. I think Steve just didn’t like what she had to say.
the guy sounds like he is pushing her too hard tbh...she has a high level job, addiction problems, cptsd....and he is looking for the lacking 20 percent to have a perfect marriage? it sounds like she feels and knows she cant keep up with his picture perfect expectations and is offering him ways to cope. i would love to hear her opinion because his view of the story is very one sided...he is basically to good to be true.
He did mention he has domineering persinality and problems with listening to others... To be honest, I don't agree with Fairy's answer on this one.
I wish you had the time to do more answering letters. It's very helpful to see you apply the principles and methods and thinking to real-world problems. It's very very constructive and I learn so much from the letters. I also do from your other videos of course, but this is the real nuts and bolts where we can learn application of it all. I like to hear how you're critically thinking about these issues for people, who have such a wide variety of issues, but all of which fall under the CPTSD umbrella.
That's great feedback. I appreciate it!
Maybe he could start working and give her some more time at home with the kids. She may respect him more and face the reality of her life and not just her job which might just include a coworker she is having an emotional or other type of affair with. Plus, if the relationship is on the way out, it would put both of them on the road to independence.
My mom is a covert narcissist and self gaslighting has been the single biggest challenge for me, as she always always always denied that her behavior was hurtful or shamed me for her behavior. I have finally gone no contact, but the whispers of doubt, even in the face of undeniable clarity and facts, still linger.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He really needs to know it's a pattern for a parent to have autism if their child has autism. The anxiety, depression, lack of connection, emotional unavailability & trauma are part of being on the spectrum. The parents need to get tested. Women are especially hard to diagnose because it can look different than in men.
The children have ‘special needs’; Steve did not mention adoption. So yes, one or both parents could be autistic.
Thanks @Sarah_D
-Cara@TeamFairy
Can it look like BiPolar???
@@randiwin6034 It's different, but note a person can have both autism and bipolar disorder.
Gaslighted myself. It was so hard to accept that the person you want doesn’t want you. He has been telling me that we’re not on the same page and i didn’t believe cause i can’t accept it. Been trying to be optimistic about it but he isn’t just there anymore.
I think she isn’t as into him as he thinks she is 💔
she is financing his and their childrens life with her job as the only breadwinner. what more of a commitment do u need? isnt it somewhat understandable that after 10 years of marriage, two special needs kids and a challenging job life...u r not as 'in love' as the day u met? think of a providing husband that has a very frustrated and entitled wife at home...this is basically it but with revers gender roles. he wants his date night, his romance, his perfect relationship....he actually only thinks of himself if 75-80 percent perfect marriage isnt good enough and he STILL has to nag nag nag his worn out wife.
@@bobohobo7652 Yes he sounds like a heavy weight to have around. Overbearing.
Anna, you amaze me with every single video and how you get down to truth and express it with insight and kindness to your viewers. I can relate to almost every scenario because I’ve been screwing up since I was 18 and I’m now in my 70’s. At least I can say that I’m healthy enough to recognize truth, whether or not I’ve had the inner strength to follow through on it. Because of you, I’m making one last deep dive into myself to try to find reason, truth and peace. Thank you for the hard work you put into these videos, the website, etc.
Where the hell are these type of guys in my area lol he’s a sweetie who’s so considerate and loving for his wife and it’s sad that she doesn’t see him and he’s making excuses for her because he loves her so much. Love is so blind. Sending him love.
When my ex said he wanted to have an open marriage I realized that I'd already been living with n one but just wasn't aware of it ☹️
I've been in Steve's wife's position before, before I knew I have cptsd. I think both parties would be happier by taking a break. I did that, and it lead to a break up and peace started to fill my heart. Good luck Steve and to your wife. And your kids.
So what was the point of the break exactly when it ended in a breakup? Usually breaks are just an excuse to ease into the inevitable breakup.
Some things you can never understand until it happens to you.
maxid87 sometimes the other person is not completely sure that he/she wants to break up. It’s never easy for neither person. Sometimes the break helps realize you don’t want to beak up but I’m others it just confirms the need to break up. It happened to me as well. Good luck to all.
Crappy Childhood Fairy is on fire with the topics this month! 🔥🎆🧡 When you've experienced abuse, it's also easy to abuse yourself!
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good advice ! Especially, about gaslighting himself! Feels like he needs to work on his own feelings of rejection & accept she had ‘changed’ her commitment to him ! He’s tortured..
Perhaps Steve is holding onto getting the relationship through this because his whole life is his family, it sounds like he doesn't have or have time for anything outside. Without close connections and goals/interests outside of the relationship, it's so hard to face losing that. I've been in that position before. Wishing Steve the best of luck.
I totally agree with this. Steve has other interests including a way to make a living, it would give him a broader perspective and boost his self-esteem. From there he would see that he has options. Ironically, this would make him more attractive to his wife.
crucial signs that you shouldn't try polyamory:
NUMBER ONE (1): you dont want to try polyamory
thats it. thats all it takes. no need for further justification than that.
if anything, what actually sets me off, as a polyamorous person, is all the shit we end up shoveling from people pasting it over their irresponsible flings and miscommunications.
YES! as an emotionally abandoned child, I realized that I'm the first one to abandon myself. And the way you treat yourself, is how others will treat you!
It all starts with self love. But before you can love yourself you need to know yourself. Really reflect on that and build up your self esteem and confidence. Deep confidence not based on outward appearance. This is where I am at at this very moment. I gaslight, abandon, reject myself all the time. Dammit its time to stand up. Have standards and boundaries. And most of all self control. Know what ya want. We gotta know what we want in order to go for it. Lots of journaling and healing.
Sister!
just wanted to express my gratitude for the tremendously therapeutic impact this channel has had on me throughout the entire course of the divorce I was going through and consequentlial reevaluation of these trauma-bonded relationship. thank you, Anna, for the amazing work you've done that has made it possible for me to really start moving on with my life, for your insights that has allowed to completely eliminate the fear of repetition that kept me stuck in a dwelling mode, I feel like I don't need to direct my thoughts into the past to ensure a steady future anymore. your tough love has been the best mental support I've had through this lonesome year, and I am amazed to discover that the point when support is needed no longer has really been reached, even though it didn't seem plausible at the beginning. I wish everyone here the same and more people in troublesome states to discover you (or be referred to, which I'll certainly take part in) and to walk out healed and inspired, thank you once again ♡
Thanks so much for this comment! I'm so glad that it helped during such a hard time.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hmmmm... I don’t think she’s having an affair. The wife feels overwhelmed and cannot bear what’s being heaped on her, and intimacy wise can’t or doesn’t want to continue. But it’s very possible that she’s not yet ventured elsewhere, but just needs a break.
This is where I have gone wrong. My ex husband. ETC.
I tolerated intolerable situations I endured, and denial and gas lighting myself was how I would remain in undesirable situations.
Some folks are capable of waiting until they break up to begin new relationships. My point is, there are other reasons for bringing up poly than active cheating going on.
Like a completely boring sex life or no sex life at all? BUT then you talk to your partner and you work on the problems. Poly doesn't solve marital problems, it only adds to them.
Holy shit. This is too close to home even with the ages of the wife and the kids. I wish I had a partner whom was this present and open to working on things. That is all in the past now, but wow the similarities have floored me
Oh interesting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have cptsd from abuse and events happing as a child, and broken family. As well as problems from the abuse of my first bf, a "relationship" that lasted 2 years(even though I tried to end it after month in)
My second bf, I sat him down and explained I'm kinda difficult mentally and emotionally (bi-polar too) I don't know his emotions on the manner, but I felt I wouldn't be sexually available when he has needs. We both agreed we can have an open relationship, mostly I just wanted him to have a release even if I couldn't manage sex. We've been together for 5 years now. And neither have slept with a different person within this time, and from him being understanding to my needs and emotions, I've actually healed in a way I thought I was completely broken in.
I really hope those who need it, find their partner. Our relationship isn't perfect, nothing is. But we work with each other.
I watch a ton of yours and others' videos. Some of it is actually adversely affecting me- not you and your therapy, but just the overwhelm w/all of it. It makes me wanna hibernate.
I hear you, I'm like where do you start explaining this to your partner or friends. I bet her courses help organize everything and minimize overwhelm
I think hibernating and processing is a good idea after taking in so much new perspective!
Omg, I was faced with a similar situation bout 7 years ago... lucky we weren't married yet, but we'd been dating for 7 years and I'd proposed and she accepted, then out of the blue she starts asking to have an open relationship. After 7years of being monogamous she said she wanted to try polyamory. We split up within 6mths, it was my worst breakup and turned everything upside down, it took a long time to come out of that hole. And yeah, I actually thought we could have made it work, that was me gaslighting myself. And I've gotta keep watching out that I don't ever do that again. Don't let people manipulate you... coz if you're to "nice" they will, you don't have to be nasty, you can be kind, but don't play "nice nice"
So sorry that happened to you. Someone hoping they could have their cake and eat it too.
I love when you discuss these subjects about relationships. You have such wisdom and I appreciate the tough love and attention to detail as you read the letter
Oh my, Steve, I send your family love, hugs and blessings. 🙏
Totally agree about polyamory. In my experience, one partner normally wants it, and the rest put up with it..
I have to agree... and even the person who wants it usually deals with a lot of heartbreak and drama, which they seem unable to comprehend where it's coming from even though their behavior is the obvious direct cause.
Yes I was the one who wanted it. But I caused the drama. I fell for someone and he couldn’t handle it. If he had been more secure and understand then he wouldn’t have made me break up which broke my heart.
@@randiwin6034 It's taken me a lot of healing to realize this, but it's not actually about "secure" or "understanding"- at least not in the way you mean. Even if a person is confident a emotionally secure, they probably won't be ok with sharing their partner in most if not all cases because they KNOW they deserve a whole relationship, not breadcrumbs of attention in those cases. And while they may completely understand where your thinking is coming from and even hold nothing but love in their heart for you, it doesn't mean that they won't maintain a boundary to avoid being hurt... in this case, that boundary is not allowing you to have them AND someone else... In fact the partners who are "understanding" and "secure" as you most likely mean it are the farthest thing from it in most cases. They are INSECURE as a person and heartbroken inside but they want your acceptance so badly that they will tell you otherwise because they are so broken they don't realize they deserve more... and they aren't understanding. In fact their blood is probably boiling and they're asking God or the universe "why me"? But they won't tell you that because they fear losing your pittance of affection. I know because I was that person who tolerated it for years... Until I realized it was abuse and I didn't deserve it and I told them all to screw off! No one can "make" you break up with another person, though THEY can choose to break up with you themself for unacceptable behavior. As for "falling" for someone when you're committed... The grass is always greener on the other side when you have a wandering eye. A committed relationship means it doesn't matter. I am with who I am with and I don't really care what else is out there. Otherwise it was never really a commitment.
@@randiwin6034 On the other side of the coin, I have noticed the person wanting polyamory typically seems to have certain wounds and trauma patterns as well... I have a friend who is still very into poly- frequently comes to me complaining of heartbreak when the women won't put up with it. He says if the women were more understanding it would be better, and has acknowledged that the only women he even gets are "broken" and have trauma issues. He has been this way since a personal trauma (for privacy, I will remain vague), and while he acknowledges the timing, he doesn't see it as probably the direct cause of the deviance (I have my suspicions though). I have an ex who was also that way and endured incest among other abuses as a child. He had no self esteem whatsoever (worse than mine at that time even) and severe depression. He had also been born with a couple of birth defects, and although they were surgically corrected by the time I knew him, it still affected his self esteem further. He admitted to using sex and overly complicated relationships to distract himself from life and give himself a sense of at least marginal worth... My (still current) husband and I began that way as well (I was seeing my ex I just mentioned who usually had at least one other girlfriend and also had a long-term boyfriend and there was another couple we were involved with and one of their other partners was my now husband who they eventually hooked me and my ex up with and eventually we split off from the poly family). Eventually my husband and I got some counseling and recognized where we both had some unhealthy relationship patterns and where past trauma (including sexual trauma and other past abuses) played a factor. I had never actually wanted to be poly but had gotten involved with my ex because he was willing to give me at least some of his time and I thought he was so handsome that even a crumb was more than I deserved. I became involved with the others upon his request and was basically just obedient just like I was as a sexually abused small child. My husband didn't really want that life either but had gotten involved in it after his now ex wife cheated on him... She eventually became involved with the male half of the couple I mentioned earlier and then he became involved as a result and so that part of the web began. He got with many more people as "revenge" against her... It's all just a web of hurt and one which I'm painfully familiar with.
I am touched and can see myself in this example... i am traumatised a couple of times in my early childhood. Now as I faced these traumas, l realized that l gaslighted myself in my relationship for 31(!!!) years . Now I see, that my partner is cool and emotionless and I was the emotion -bringer for all the years ! We have 4 kids (all teens/twens), one mentally handicaped. And I bring emotions and connection all the years without getting really connected with my partner!! It hit me sooooo hard. I spoke with my partner and he realized that I am right! He was shocked and sad for his unemotional behavior and couldn't understand it. We went to therapy, but she can't help... I think my partner is traumatised as well and shut down his feelings since he was little. I read about it and he can see it as well. The good thing is he WANTS to feel emotions, he WANTS to love me with all his heart and he WANTS to change and is sorry for all my burdon I carried all the years alone... so it is different in my situation, but very hard as well... thanks for your helpful work!⚘
What a beautiful and poignant example of real life love. Thank you. We all come to it with our unique strengths and weaknesses. I hope very much you two can grow through this to a more fulfilling place. I can't help but wonder if your partner might be on the autistic spectrum... That can be one reason a person isn't emotionally attuned in the way you are. You may want to check out Paul Micaleff's work. We made a video together recently. Links to his various projects are in the description section: ua-cam.com/video/l51r0MKbxTc/v-deo.html.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy this is an interesting point! Especially because he said he learned to fake some emotions in different situations over all the years... I never would have thought about the connection to the spectrum...,😳 Thank you ❤️
Just a thought. Is it possible he just has a problem connecting to you. I am able to connect just fine with others who have not hurt me or I’m in love with. I wanted to feel a connection w my ex. It was the only thing that was missing in our perfect life together. I just couldn’t get it back once it was lost 😞
This was so good. Thank you for your courage and becoming so healthy that you could help others. It’s inspiring.
I’m so glad you said that about nature of Substance Use Disorders. Right on point!
:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna you are so amazing! You have no idea the bright light you are for so many of us. You have given us reason, tools, understanding, grace. I love how you give tough love in a very graceful way. I love how you give us reasoning to think about and ACTUAL tools to utilize. Not just motivational random jargon that simply does absolutely nothing for people like us. We need the HOW. Then you came along. Thank you for being brave enough to get on this platform and share your knowledge with us. ❤️
I love your no nonsense responses!! These videos are super helpful
Anna I appreciate your frankness so much. Sometimes smoothing toxic situations over is worse thank acknowledging them honestly.
Thank you Miss Fairy-I’ve been saying this but nobody understands-I felt crazy that I was gaslighting myself
Another way the narc sets you up to gaslight yourself, is to create situations wherein you fail as a child, then you go on to repeat that in adulthood, by choosing jobs that force you to struggle, and by struggling, increase the likelihood of failure. I actually gaslighted myself this way, until very recently... it was very hard to see until now. It has taken decades to see all the gaslighting my mother did to me...I live with no contact with the narc now. I've gotten another success also, that I choose security instead of the struggles that she wanted for us children. Narcissism affects absolutely everything in the child-victim's life... it's really astonishing.
Great video... thank you.
Appreciate your comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Does Mrs feel pressured by Mr to be in love ....like DEEPLY in love...like quicksand? She needs some space which may help. This letter displays vibrantly why I dont believe in marriage for me.Props to Anna. Hard truths delivered compassionately.
What beautiful thoughtful feedback you gave to the writer of the letter
Love what you are doing, Anna!
When someone tells you who they are, believe them
Thank you Anna! Another great video. I gaslight myself all the time and a lot of it started when I was reading books like The Secret and about the Law of Attraction...."oh I'm just not being positive enough!" LOL....It's hard to stop that habit of lying to oneself but it's so worth it. I've also read that No More Mr. Nice Guy book you mentioned (even though I'm a woman) and there is so much fantastic content in there!
There is a version for women of nice girl.
Thank you so much I love your videos and your kind understanding. I'm glad I have these videos in my life
Wow. This is so helpful. I left a relationship 6 months ago. And your input to Steve resonates.
Omg I feel for this good and noble man, I'm really sending him loads of love and light ✨✨❤️❤️🙏🙏
This letter is the first steps I had with my first husband. “I wanted to date.” I felt ignored completely. I later left him.
Anna …. You’re such a gift. 🙏🏼
Thank you. Just what I needed to hear today.
Hi Anna, keep doing what you're doing.
the wife is polyamorous ( or least thinks she is...note I said she thinks she is not that i believe she is ) , but the thing that concerns me is the wive choice to go for poly is this , if she can not work on creating connection with her husband, means she is more than likely using poly as an excuse to avoid the reality is, she doesn't want to be alone so shed rather hang unto a unhealthy marriage until something else that feels better comes along. thats not healthy. In order to do healthy poly you have to be able to do healthy mono, can not do either, you should not bring more people into that equation until the first foundational relationship is better managed and connected. She seems to me , with limited information she is looking for permission to cheat on him.
Looks like I'm Steve... Time to do more work. Thank you, Anna, for this video and the book recommendation!
This is happening at my job. I’m being gaslit by my bosses, and I’m so done with their BS. I tend to always think I’m the problem…at first…but I always come around to realize that I’m not the problem when I’m doing the best that I can to give them what they want, and it’s never good enough.
“Let go of the effort to try to control perception…” So exhausting to spin a relationship, but 💯 needing to focus on our own feelings instead.
wow actually said everything i wanted to say when i listened to his letter... you are very wise
For decades I've done this. I'm finally accepting.
Oh yes, they are good at twisting reality. Never question them they will be enraged. I have blamed myself for a lot of what happened after the abrupt discard by the ex last September. My anxiety started after separation.
Ugh .. this letter could have been written by me years ago. It's painful to hear and I'm glad I'm single now.
I accept all of what Anna says, but it's still hard to accept a life without human companionship.
How do we write in to your show? I love your content by the way...its so refreshing to listen to a therapist who does more than just maje me feel sorry for myself and depresses and resentful. You are giving real wisdom that comes from experience and not just creating a space for the wounded to pick their wounds in comisery.
You can send questions to hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com. Please indicate it's for reading on UA-cam. And P.S.: I'm not a therapist!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Well you aren’t licensed or board certified apparently but you provide therapeutic benefit to others so you are a therapist! A good one too!!! 🙂
Clinical settings can be prohibitive and that’s why people like you are so helpful because you can give it to people straight. Thanks!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy gracias
I have to say that people so often feel the need to control what the other spouse does, thinks feels. I do acknowledge that the letters usually show the good characteristic of actually caring so much about the other person in the relationship.
I agree he should set boundaries and work on himself first like I myself am doing...
I wondered about the comment about 'my dominating personality' can be 'a force' therein could be a nugget....wonder what that is about, how it shows up, and the impact especially if she has CPTSD. I feel the focus became too skewed on her not him.
Awesome analysis. Not too definitive, but questioning the narrative of self and once own reality. The most difficult thing is to maintain balance with other people moving on the same balance board. It’s not always good to try to counter balance other peoples positioning.
Lord! Just having a conversation about this and up you pop!
I think her side needs to be heard. Not fair that this is only coming from home. He is controlling and has low self esteem. He didn’t speak of himself much. He said he needs to learn how to listen better.
He sounds like my ex always making me look like the bad person.
Am I the only one here?
He sounds like a liar.
I think you might be projecting, because you're not giving him at least the benefit of the doubt (is it because he's a man?). He is not making her look like a bad person; he can't even accept that she could be an alcoholic. That letter is all a rationalization of why they belong together and how she loves him "deep down".
I agree with Ana, he's in total denial, but I'd agree with you that codependents can be very controlling, yet there's a big difference between this and the way a narc is controlling. At least I've never, ever, heard a narc take accountability of how are they failing, not even when they're playing the victim, not even lying, they just don't say anything that could turn responsibility over them.
Codependents, on the other hand, feel like they can fix the world by taking good care about every bad situation, so now everything can go well. That's an impossible task. And I'd also agree with Ana on this: that is a trait of childhood trauma.
And finally, well... in this letters we always hear only one side of the story, I don't know why shouldn't we take this case just as it is.
@@Dan_Chiron he sounds like a covert narcissist. There are always two sides of the story. He is not going deep into about himself and points out what she does. It’s just one sided.
@@Healingforall63 I think Fairy is the one projecting here... There is just not enough information to give advice on this one
@@wavy6470 I agree.
@@wavy6470 it’s just so one sided.
This video is 100 % best advice!!!
I'm so glad that your program has found me. You are very wise and I love your voice. I just realize that you sound and look like Joni Mitchell! ❤️
That's a nice compliment. She and I are both of Sami descent.
No More Mr Nice Guy is an awesome book for both parties! Read it over and over!
Support, a job, definitely that book...I would talk to someone about that polyamory stuff. Could be potentially dangerous to kids if she's going to be drinking and trying out different partners. Great advise , Anna. I also agree with your opinion on the polyamory. It creates the Karpman drama triangle. The ones I've known that have tried this ended pretty messed up after this attempt. Someone gets pushed out. Not good for kids.
Anna, I admire and revel in your adept and skillful prose.
I think if someone is really unhappy, they can propose polyamory to try and stick it out esp with kids. I think CPTSD and attachment wounds are operating and maybe Steve plays a part in it.
Just discovered you Anna. I so need to heal and your videos are a major blessing!! I appreciate your wise insight 💜💖🙏
Anna. This is savage. I love it.
Oh gosh :( Steve, I can feel your pain, so sorry you’re going through it. She doesn’t even deserve you, so sorry to say. I’ve been in a similar position but as a woman with an unavailable guy. This hurts, breaks one’s heart and soul. You seem like a really great guy though, so wishing you all the love you so crave and deserve! Take care. Take care of yourself.
thanks for sending Steve some support :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Her alcoholism, her open marriage, emotionally unavailable all says he’s trash. She more seems more toxic and also sounds like a cluster B. Leave her right away!
Is there a difference between gaslighting yourself and crap fitting? They seem like the same thing.
Yeah, same thing.
It would be very interesting to hear the other side of the story.
Hi well I relate to Sharon so much. If u wanna read my posts and several comments. It may help u to understand her better possibly.
I agree wholeheartedly, I'd bet that their perceptions are INCREDIBLY different
Totally relate to Sharon.
I've done this for years due to the words of both parents and my mothers actions. I ended up in a relationship like this. It is so hard to move on.
You can do it. You have to save yourself from more pain.
Thank you for the encouragment, dear soul. Hugs and blessings.
The wife is fooling herself thinking that she’s going to find love with someone else while being closed off and emotionally unavailable as a consequence of her childhood cptsd.
So much therapy here. So much to learn from. ❤️😊
I read “Love Must Be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson which speaks about not giving in and becoming a doormat to our spouse. I think this book would help Steve and anyone in a similar relationship.
I think it's going to be really important that he starts looking towards securing himself financially outside of her. She does not seem committed to this marriage. Very sad.
I do not feel super sorry for Steve. My ex has tried to take this stance where “we are working through MY problems together, and THAT will finally solve all of our problems and he can finally stop being a workaholic, (alcoholic, methhead)”
It’s bs. It’s some type of attachment problem and some kind of predatory controlling behaviors are really laced through this whole letter. She may be a victim.
We never know what’s actually going on since the letter writer is holding the narrative. If Steve is in fact caring for these two young autistic kids, and his wife is in fact trying to become poly, then yeah I have more sympathy for Steve on this one. At the same time, he writes himself as the victim so I’m hesitant to trust his word 100%.
I have friends who have moms like this. They always run away and leave their children with their fathers and/or they stay and abuse drugs and alcohol, cheat, lie and make a big mess. I’m sad for those children.