WAITING is a CPTSD Trigger
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- Опубліковано 30 бер 2022
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If adults in your life were dangerous, unreliable or uncaring, you may find yourself triggered strongly when people make you WAIT. How can you tell if you're being unreasonable, of if people in your life are in fact uncaring and unreliable? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman with strong abandonment wounds that set off pain and anxiety when a man she's dating doesn't call when he said he would. Is he the problem or is she?
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"Your other plan can be to sit in self-respect" - Thank you - I also didn't want to be the "last minute plan" girl anymore and when I decided to sit in self respect it was a beautiful thing. Even if I was lonely, I knew I was worthy.
You are most definitely worthy! - Ashley, Team Fairy
That was really helpful. Up until now I’ve always thought this assumed you had a gaggle of female friends who were going out, and you could join them, so not having that made me feel even worse. I like that your other plan can be staying home by yourself.
I love sitting in self respect
"I feel so guilty and ashamed that I need you/something from you and in the past I was taught that the most basic needs are overly demanding."
Yes. Sad sad for many of us, but unfortunately true.
This! I remember asking my biomother for food when I wasn't feeling good and needing some comforting, and she not only made me feel bad for not being able to make it myself (I was 6-9, can't remember exact timing due to my dissociative amnesia, but I definitely could not cook safely at those ages), but commented that if I eat food for the sake of comfort and not sustenance, I'll gain weight and not look good, let alone attractive to my crushes. She didn't even mean it in the 'hey, be careful not to binge eat' way. She meant it in the 'I don't want to feed you right now, you're not the priority, and you should feel bad for putting that request on me at this time."
Weird, considering that she also made me learn helplessness from her persistent babying of me. So when it was convenient for her, she'd take care of me and reinforce that codependency. But when it wasn't? *I'D* be blamed for asking for basic childcare, and then insulted on top of that. My love life- something that mattered so much to me at such a young age due to persisting, worsening neglect and sexual abuse- was my kryptonite, and she knew it enough to weaponize the hell out of it.
Now, all she wants is to be there for me. While still wanting to control every aspect of me, down to my finally budding sex life. Yeah no, good riddance. I care about her as a person, but as a mother?
She died long ago in that regard. I have only been able to start picking up the pieces after escaping from her and the country she kidnapped me to.
@@deltalunaris Ah, I feel old, familiar pain reading your account. My mother suffered from a deficiency of love in her own childhood. She kept the house clean and made us a real dinner every night. She took care of a whole farmhouse (without a farm) by herself all day while my father was working. She was a hard worker and she taught us some things and read us a story every night, but her heart wasn't there; she didn't nurture us and avoided us a lot. We played outside all day and nuked our own hot dogs and pizza pockets. I had a huge sugar addiction and she'd catch me hiding and eating cookies and punish me. She took her stress out on us a lot. I think this is somewhat common because her generation was raised by the Great Depression/World War generation, when violence and food shortages were rampant. And in my mother's case, her mom was so psychotic from pumping out babies that she made my mom take over raising all her baby brothers and sisters and doing all the housework starting when she was TEN years old - and still beat her all the time anyway. My father was beaten so bably by his turned-alcoholic father after the market crashed that he ran away from home when he was 15 and eventually became an alcoholic himself. My parents mentally loved us, yet could not form the heart connection and abused and neglected us. Their parenting was understandable with their situation of PTSD and poverty, but of course it messed me and my brother up on such a profound level. He's 36, an ex-alcoholic, and still living with my mother; I'm 38, a single mom on welfare for 14 years with two kids from two different (and scary, abusive) dads. I've been going to great lengths to heal in any way possible since 2016, including long fasts and all sorts of therapy, energy healing, hypnosis, etc. It has started to drive me insane treating my mom like the sweet, caring, serving, selfless 70-year-old she is, when my unhealed 'inner child' is still distraught, alienated, and enraged.
@@koalamama2 Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am very honored that you put your trust in me that way. I hear you, I see you, and I empathize with you. You've been through such horrors, and made it out onto the other side with your children. That's bravery if I've ever seen it.
Still, I'm so sorry that you were dragged through all of that abuse. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, even if you still received albeit conditional 'love' in the form of food, a clean home, and education via experiences and stories. You deserve a loving family who, despite having gone through their own hells, would never raise an aggressive hand or voice towards you.
As aforementioned, I can empathize with your pain. My parents suffered from love deficiency as well, though in different ways. My mother, as a baby, was just about to be abandoned at the steps of an orphanage (or was it a nunnery?) in the middle of a wintry night when her mother- suffering from the loss of children before, likely suffering from post-partum & beginnings of her schizophrenia, and definitely suffering from WW2-induced PTSD- decided to bring her back home. My mother would become codependent during and after hers succumbed to the throes of her schizophrenia.
My father had one of the most monstrous fathers of his own. He'd have his beloved books burned, his mother being cheated on in the same house, and his especially loved dog 'lost' to the streets when his father took her for a walk. He became just as toxic as his father, as well as a habitual alcoholic & drug-tester. Threatened to hurt me many times, among many other abuses (showing me pornographic, violent movies as a kid, etc). I cut contact with him after he not only made it out that he was dying when he wasn't, but after he threatened to kill me over my activism.
Neither ever gave me the genuine love that I am so starved for, despite currently being in a loving, polyamorous relationship with my two boyfriends. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I leaned so hard into being poly, too. You don't need to be abused to be poly, but the horrendous, emotional neglect I suffered probably pushed me towards what I already suspected in myself.
Anyways, it's parents like ours that make us not only fight for our worthiness of being cared for to be realized, but for validation, love, care, respect, safety, and more. The triggers are aplenty due to our abuse, and I can only hope that yours will fade away soon. I'm still working with the very common trigger of mine that IS loneliness despite having others in the same house as me.
Thanks for reading, and once again a big thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Wishing you and your children the best. You got this.
@@deltalunaris Oh my god, thank you for opening up as well and giving me the space to do so and a listening ear. Your parents' history made my jaw drop. My only solace is that we are quickly approaching a time on Earth when these things don't happen anymore. Healing generational trauma is huge right now. I have not been able to heal mine despite working on it since 2016 and very focused since 2020. It was normal in my home for us all to watch gory and pornographic movies on TV and I was also molested for two years. I think TV is pure poison and have not had one for well over a decade (and certainly never watched sick shows or movies on it). I don't think I feel lonely so much as deep alienation, which I guess is a type of loneliness. Your polyamorous relationship sounds amazing!!!! I would love that ^_^ You are a wonderful person so it doesn't surprise me that you have TWO wonderful partners loving you. Thank you for your well wishes and I wish you all the best as well! I will never give up on myself or my children and healing this family karma for good.
My narc mother would somehow ALWAYS forget when she said she would come over. But never forgot her nail appts.
They make you feel as if you’re just the least important thing in their life
I experienced that with my own mother. She's died but I now realize, because if Anna, something I hope you'll take to heart and that is the way she treats you is not at all about YOU❤️ ... it's about the way she feels toward herself.
You are so important! I hope you can recognize your value now. Your mom wasn't a goddess. She was just a very flawed person who had a blessing she couldnt recognize. Take her actions with a grain of salt.
Oh this one hit. My what I thought was my best friend of ten years, did this stuff pretty often. She never missed a doctor's appointment or getting to her volunteer gigs on time, but would "forget" important dates like my BIRTHDAY, and when I'd call her out on it, she'd get super defensive and blame it on her "poor health" and "bad memory." I finally cut the cord.
😪
Omg yes. This is how I feel about my mother. I even mentioned something to her and though it helped a little, I often sense she feels it's a chore. I'd ,unfortunately, rather her just not to show up. When I do need her to show up, i usually remind her a few times the day before and early on the day we meet. Its kinda of a pain, and she finds it annoying as well(😏), but I thank her for her time and we both win. 😁
Big hugs to you! You're doing great!🤗
omg this is spot on. I never knew it was a trigger, I just knew it drives me NUTs.
With texts I've learned to manage it by making my texts 'closed-ended'. I never leave an open question in a text. Rather than saying: when are you free? I'll say: let me know when you're free. Or I'll specify a window like: I'm free from 2 till 4 if you want to... That way once the window's closed, that's it. I'm not waiting and I'm not expecting.
Yeah I’ve been using the same strategy. I have no fixed schedule, but I’ll invent a good time to meet just to cut through the bs of “I dunno, maybe then, or maybe not….” ; either they say yes, or they offer a better time, or if they remain vague they become lowest priority on my social roster.
That's a great idea about closed questions. I like it. I can feel anxiety leaving me already.
My big sister always told me “don’t be too available!” When I was younger & dating. I once was introduced to a guy by a friend who said “one thing you should know about this guy is, he is always late.” To which I replied “well, if he shows up late, I won’t be here” and he was NEVER late for a date with me. It’s the same issue as not communicating plans and you hit the mail on the head, Anna! When I met my husband he would call me & leave a message on my answering machine (haha was a long time ago) and then call again & leave another message, I told him “I will call you back when I get home there’s no need to call again…If I haven’t called you back it’s because I’m not home yet. “ Other end of the spectrum and showing he was very into me and wanted to be with me. ❤️everyone deserves this in their life!
I tell people straight up if u call and I don't answer.. leave a message if u want but do not keep calling me.when I can, I'll get back to u. I don't like it and that if they keep doing this behavior... I'll just block them.
Agree with Anna.
And:
1) you get what you accept
2) keep your standards high and expect them to rise up and meet you on your level. Instead of letting them pull you down, to their low level behavior/standards.
3) you’ll recognize great manners from the get go. Quality men exhibit great manners.
4) although may be considered passive aggressive, let him chase you. That can be achieved non verbally by being busy or uninterested when he doesn’t act eager enough for you, or isn’t trying to impress you.
5) another boat will sail into port as soon as the last one sails out. So have the expectation there are plenty of boats: no shortage, or scarcity out there. This will help you to relax.
Yessss!! Love this.
Great analogy with the boats! Thank you! I will remember this always
Just saying, the world is full of people, who simply don't have "any" chances of even being around boats, let alone get into contact with them, and them actually considering dropping anker to get to know the boat. At least for male boats that's the bitter facts, and I'm pretty sure, it's the same older female boats - if you look into the numbers, or what goes on on dating sites.
Very well said! - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CONEHEADDK I understand your feelings. Really, it’s best to get off the dating sites if this has been your experience and focus on meeting people out and about. Hiking, walking, dancing, golf groups you name it. There is so much falsity and competition online.
My mother maybe or maybe not would pick me up from school after basketball practice. It was a 45 minute walk. Either way I was yelled at. I was not allowed to be upset about waiting over an hour or two, and then walking home in the dark for miles along the highway as a young teen. 30 years later, low contact, but the same games still go on. Parents said they would take me to airport. Then that day they said maybe, maybe not. Promptly got an Uber. Was yelled at for getting an Uber. And a million other examples in between, lol.
Edited: Thinking about this. I probably had a whole team of guardian angels looking after me.
So what I hear is that it’s not okay for siblings to wait 42 days to tell me our father died. Thanks for the affirmation.
Very sorry for your loss
That's not just a sh*tty situation, your siblings were being sh*tty people.
I'm so sorry you experienced this. Waiting 42 days is crazy dysfunctional of them, you know, right?
@@mtaylor7307 yeah it was. Them stealing his valuables for themselves to devalue my fathers estate low enough to fall under small estate requirements before I became aware was just icing over the pile of you know what they cleverly disguise and present as cake. I so need to move far far away from Oregon. It’s disgusting to learn how much the laws here support their behavior.
@@douglasr8036 I'm sorry that happened to you. In cases like this some times the only sense of justice we have is the one we find within ourselves. I stopped looking for accountability with family. I ended up cutting my family of origin on both sides out of my life. I would never have peace with them in my life and I just didn't want to bring my own kids into that...expose them to that. We each have to make our decisions but it was a process for me. I hope you are to navigate to a more peaceful place where you can properly grieve. This is a good community space on this channel. Take care.
I'd like to share my approach. A friend of mine recommended always having a Plan B. If you're invited to something, you need a backup plan just in case. Say the person pivotal to Plan A does not call / get in touch / show up on time, you can just go: "It's ok, I am going to the movies / dinner / library / home for a bubble bath [insert other enjoyable activity]." Note1: this must be something you enjoy very much. Note2: if you learn to enjoy going for a dinner / movie ALONE, that's a bonus, because you will become strong and independent and capable of making the most out of a situation, which are all great qualities to have. When or if the failed Plan A's pivotal person checks in, just say "I didn't hear from you, so I ended up seeing a movie instead." They will know that you have A LIFE and don't need them in it, so you become an attractive option for them to spend time with, or not, in which case you will still have A LIFE. Win-win.
Also, BOOM at 13:14: "I'll pretend I'm crazy and that the problem is I'm just so needy, they're not really the problem, and that's how I'll make this whole thing work" - I've listened to that part over and over. That's how I am in so many of my relationships with others. Wow.
Man, I was so triggered when my ex would constantly cancel at the last minute (literally when I'm dressed and waiting for him to come pick me up). Or he'd get a phone call while we were out on a date and have to end the date abruptly and leave. Pretty sure it was set up. Like having someone call him at a certain time like a hidden wing man.
He's ghosted me multiple times and of course it didn't work out. I tried (which he clearly didn't deserve my effort, time or energy.) I look back and cringe at how I responded to his blatant disrespect. I would never accept that behavior now. I haven't dated in 5+ years and actually enjoy the peace of being single.
My father, who ended up completely abandoning me as a kid, did the exact same thing .. shamed me for having reasonable expectations after being promised contact. Definitely gave me a crap fit wound which is why I don’t date anymore.
aw, sorry :( that's horrible
Maybe "just" dump a potential date, first time they don't keep a promise - or "just" tell them how you feel, first time they do it, and that you don't give any more chances. "This is 2022 - use the phone, if you respect me". It sucks, but it does that to everybody - "just" not as much as to us.
@ Abby Kendrick : you wrote what a lot of people do. Fathers need to understand how important they are. Hell, mothers are too - but children really need a Dad. i know i'm being unrealistic - but even though my Dad was like he was - if he had stayed my brother may have remained alive.
@@kimlec3592 Maybe. Or maybe you had been with your brother, if dad had stayed. No dad is often a lot better than a bad one. Mine was so azz-holy that I actually thought about getting him "removed for good" at 16, bcz "no matter where I run to, he will find me, and punnish me". If he hadn't kidnapped me from my mom at 10, maybe I had been a winner instead of a looser, despite being the best in class, acording to my teacher and "the good girls".
💜
Ahhh I totally get this when waiting for a text response but had no idea what or why I felt this way. It's like you read my mind!
I sometimes wait DAYS or even a week for a text from a particular someone who I realize now is soooo inconsiderate. :(
I absolutely hate it when someone says they'll call me back but don't say when. It's like the waiting cancels all the rest and I can't get to do things (that's the trigger part because rationally, I could, of couple, and even if I missed the call I could call back but that's not quite how it works with me 😅).
I am triggered if I have a medical appointment and have to wait an hour or two. It is so disrespectful. If you have ever been to a Chinese restaurant and noticed the young children there...that was me. Waiting. Always waiting for a ride home...just dropped off in the driveway. So lonely. Deeply wounded. But, it's hard to criticize when parents are working and their schedules don't include their kid's needs.
Dad lost me in a shop when very young. Was terrified. He left me in the yard to poo on grass like i was a dog. Just scared my whole life. Had to & still have to hide it. When people know you're scared, they act worse, not better.
You're absolutely right. I'm so sorry that you're in pain and wish you a healing journey.
You say, " hey, if we're going to go out please let me know by 2 p.m. tomorrow". Let it slide until 3 in case they are busy. If you don't hear from them by then, cut them off because they didn't respect your request.
It IS rude to wait until the last minute to firm up plans.
Oh I Love saying, "Sorry, already have plans". It makes me feel "as important as everybody else".
I like it ! How do you handle people who ask you what you are doing if you say you are busy.
I feel it’s rude to ask , but I have issues with lots of people who ask that, if I say I can’t make it, I am busy etc.
I never feel it’s any of their business exactly what it is I am doing , but do not know how to say it without myself sounding rude.
Do you ever have this issue?
I would love a suggestion!
@@Raminakai Ikr? had a helicopter mom, so this is new to me too. I'm discovering it's kinda like resisting the "always available" default setting for many crappy jobs ppl end up in. It also helps to come home to/hang out with folks who don't assume it's your last chance for a date or job and "let" you "not" scramble when a date or job calls.
Waiting comes with a sense of dread and anticipation. I do okay waiting in a line, but waiting for responses to texts, calls, waiting for people to show up, etc. with ever second that goes by, I come up with more possible scenarios that are awful.
Yes, I know hon.. I do the Exact same thing..
And I'm 57 and have been dating for 41 years.
But I'm going to try what Anna says,
And set a boundary -- if he doesn't confirm plans the day prior,... waits til the evening we're supposed to go out.
Nope.
Sorry,...
Busy.
me too, it's so exhausting. I go from dread that i'd said something horrible to push them away (i'll re check my last communication with them..again. Did I tell them to F...off. erm no! then Mr Self-Righteous gets involved, 'How dare they!' Then back to suffocating abandonment). I'm aware it comes from childhood trauma where I was fearful most of the time. My answer, breath into the tightness and feel for the terrified child. And if appropriate tell the person how it makes you feel, particularly if it's something to do with their repeat behaviour. I've been surprised by how well some people have reacted.
Yes, it's the waiting without knowing the end result. I can wait in a line, I can wait for a scheduled date, I can wait for anything I can see coming. I can rest knowing it's going to happen and I don't have to guess. When I have to wait around not knowing if it's going to happen or not it creates incredible amounts of anxiety because I immediately anticipate them changing their mind or not following through.
As a child, waiting around for my indecisive and controlling (and miserly) father was an everyday reality. Waiting over 10 minutes to order at McDonald's. Waiting to go to church just to show up late because he pushed off getting ready until it was time to leave. Waiting for him to decide how to deal with a problem while complaining about me and needing "his audience" to be there as he did it. Waiting over 15 minutes for him to decide which set of (free) tickets to give me after already saying that it wouldn't make a difference once we were inside the event venue what tickets we had.
One of my biggest triggers is waiting for people to decide what they want to do or where they want to eat. To be trapped in a situation I can't walk away from. To be out of options except to wait for others to decide what we do. Ah!!!! It's ruined a few vacations with my wonderful husband.
It sounds like your father might have had Asperger's.
That sounds like a trigger about being powerless as much as the waiting part.
Might I humbly suggest you get an Uber or Lyft account if you don’t have one already, plus slide a never-to-be-used $100 bill into your wallet. Then you know that if you don’t like the decision that comes after the wait, you’re completely free and able to opt out and leave.
I am horrific at waiting. Thought it was impatient or being highly strung. This makes so much sense to me its unreal 🥺😪
Same. I thought it was just me.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Never thought of it but omg sometimes when waiting I will get ENRAGED.
Try waiting 3 hours for an adult son to show up for Thanksgiving dinner. That one went with him "to go"
He finally admitted that he really didn't want to come.
A guy I was dating after a weekend together wouldn’t call for days. I almost had a break down and knew this wasn’t normal. It was miserable. I was miserable. Sheer anxiety. . It pushed every abandonment button I had. @ 40 I didn’t know I had abandonment wounds. Life is a teacher. I know now. Now if someone triggered me to this extent I would have to run away. My cousin used to say relax he probably lost his phone. I remember the breakdown saying this isn’t normal to do to someone. Now I know not normal esp someone w CPTSD.
I'm like this, but only with a very few people in my life - those I feel insecure with in terms of their level of friendship or care for me. And I basically KNOW that I have stronger feelings for them than they do for me, but this feels a bit too sad to admit to myself most of the time, so I spend a lot of time in denial, cling to the good parts, but am then triggered by the not so good parts, such as the unknowns, the waiting, and the things that CAUSE my insecurities.
Someone who says you'll get together on a certain day but then does nothing to actually confirm it? Even if you have discussed it and you may have even asked them for details (in an outwardly breezy tone of course, while you anxiously clutch your phone!)... Um...no. They know where you are. If they want to see you and spend time with you? They will. It's as simple, and sometimes as painful, as that.
PS. With regard to Anna's story about when she was newly dating her husband, one big thing - the time she turned him down when he called and asked her out at the last minute on Saturday at 5pm, and he then tried again right away in the same conversation and asked her out ahead of time for Tuesday? THAT. That shows he WANTED to see her. He made the effort, gave her notice, respected her, and was genuinely interested.
If you're worried someone won't "try again" if you don't come running, or if you don't wait around all day "just in case"? Well...at least you know. They're not interested. And it's THEIR loss.
Thank you for this video. I get so triggered when I'm being ignored. My family never returns my attempts to message them. Even the ones who "claim" they aren't mad at me. I go as long as I possibly can without reaching out to them because I know I'm going to be ignored.
My messages are just to say hello or happy Birthday, merry Christmas. Not to ask for anything.
There are times I've heard from friends who say that my family has shared with them that I have reached out to them, but none of them would respond, like it's a bad joke or something. This has been going on for 10 years.
I used to be triggered waiting on people and now additionally I get VERY triggered when people will not reply to my attempts to message them.
I always end up feeling so discarded and unworthy.
I've decided that if I send a message to someone and they don't reply back, even one time, I will never attempt to contact them again. Regardless of the relationship.
Thanks for this comment. I'm suffering terribly today with this very thing (family) and it's torturing me. Your comment made me feel a bit better.
OMG and I thought I had connected most of the dots, but not this one. Thank you! I've ended business relationships and personal relationships after identifying a pattern of having no respect for my time (always very late, doesn't communicate on plans, or doesn't show and gaslights you about the actual plan, etc.) BEFORE I learned about narcissism and since going no contact with family of origin and a couple more friends. But I had never tied that trigger to the narcs I was raised by and around who made me wait and not complain. Who was I to complain? Every time I disconnected with assholes who didn't respect me as an adult, I would feel guilty and second guess my decisions. Not any more. If someone doesn't respect my time, I don't want them in my life. And for the first time, at 50, I am totally okay with displeasing assholes, even pissing them off by defending my boundaries. There's even a small part of me that now finds their frustration satisfying.
You are empowered
I've just reached this place, myself. And I'm so much happier in drawing these boundaries.
I had this experience with my father too, at about the same age. Me and my little brother would be waiting around for him to come pick us up and then the phone would ring. Such a sad pattern. It was so devastating & heartbreaking as a young girl, I would just cry and cry when my mom would tell me he had cancelled again. It helps some now to know that he had his own childhood trauma, but of course a child doesn't know anything about that. It took me many years to see that it wasn't about me and my brother being unworthy of his time and love, and that we weren't just plain unlovable. It is so deeply sad, the cycles that continue in families, generation after generation until someone gets the courage to break them. Thank you Anna for this work that you do. You have helped me recognize & start to heal so many different aspects of myself and my life that are a direct result of having an absent & unavailable father, and a single mom who struggled for decades trying to do it all on her own. Until discovering your videos, I had no idea that most of my patterns all go back to the same root cause.
I felt so sad when I read that, soooo relatable. Thanks for commenting and being part of the community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Honestly.. how can one person provide all these answers? Thank you so much for all that you do. I'm healing and its thanks to you ❤
Amen!!! Heal on sis!
Ahhh this made me cry 😢 Because of the description of the waiting and anxiety but also from the relief , hearing Anna’s affirmation and kindness in her voice - confirming that it’s NORMAL to expect to feel safe and to be treated with respect
It breaks my heart as I can see myself here , doubting , worrying - not being sure if I’m being reasonable or not !
Somehow I end up blaming myself for expecting too much / equating to , not good enough
Hugs!
I am watching this while I wait for someone to show up!!!
THANK YOU for confirming I'm NOT being needy when expecting people to have basic manners/respect and not get back to me whenever they damn well feel like it or not at all (like the prospective employer's HR rep who said two weeks ago she'd send me an invitation to an online meeting for a job interview and still hasn't - and hasn't bothered to respond to my voicemail follow-up a week ago). You've resolved a long-standing irritation of mine that I never could work out if it was justified or not.
ATTENTION all those people: You may now exit stage left from my life. Next!
I have trouble making friendships. I don’t know if this is due to my depression or my CPTSD or Im just unlikeable but my parents have always shamed me for having no friend and now to are my kids. I’ve learnt to be content with no friends and tbh I find friends draining. I’ve had a lot (possibly all) friendships and relationships where I’ve been used. Having emotionally neglecting parents I attract to please and find this the only way to get people to like me. This is probably why I seek users
@ClaireHiller
You don't really seek them, hon..
It's what you're comfortable with, even though it sucks and it hurts you.
I'm the same.
45 years of abuse...
But,
I'm getting better day by day with therapy.
You can, too .. We can.
XOXOXO
Me too. As soon as I state my boundaries the 'friendship' ends. These 'friends' expect me not to have them but they will protect their own boundaries. I couldn't refuse unwanted presents and when I did accept them I would refuse the strings attached to them. Also I've seen so many red flags with potential friends I got out of there fast. Like with people who want to rush friendships and relationships. It's not acceptable to ask people you hardly know to go out to a night club with them but many people do that. I don't want to go out late at night with one person I hardly know and then return in the early hours. It's different if you go out with close friends who meet up with other friends you don't know. There's no point building a friendship when there is nothing to build upon.
@Louis76 That is sad. Perhaps you should check in with a therapist. Good luck 🍀.
@@barbaraladams5304 It does mean you can see the red flags thought. The people with lots of friends can't see them. They have to give up a part of themselves to keep those friends. There are so many selfish people around these days. The mainstream media models these dysfunctional, shallow, energy draining and childish friendships for us to copy them
@Clair Hillier - I often wonder the same things myself. I now have one friend (tho rethinking it) and wonder how she can tolerate me. I am inept in social situations and yet desperately try to make friends. My sister (golden child who seems totally healed despite the fact she denies our dad was a low grade alcoholic and other issues) tells me about all of my shortcomings and tell me how i can be more likable and what to do to make me pretty or in-style to be accepted. My friend tells me similar but different versions. I tend to rebel on what they both say. I just want to be me and no matter how bad it sucks to be lonely, i am not going to betray myself to pretend to be someone i am not. Like Anna says, no crapfitting. I clearly have not mastered it yet, but i keep hiking up that hill. Do you have any hobbies or interests. Sometimes it can help to join an interesting group w/ the meetup app. It may at least get you out & about. I plan to join a art & craft group. Maybe i will make a new friend there. Maybe not, but i can at least enjoy a few hours of artsy stuff, which can be therapeutic. My heart goes out to you. Be well.
Also- this triggers me with "friends"and guys who are interested in me. My quotes in regards to friends has to do with the fact that I do not much care for being close with people who are flakey. After awhile I see patterns- some people put me on the back burner but call me a friend. The people I call friends are reliable... and that is a small few.
this video might have saved my life
huh, was totally expecting to relate to this and have the whole “IM SEEN” experience, but surprisingly…i don’t feel seen! and wow, that’s actually kinda cool! i hadn’t considered how much gratitude i could feel in figuring out that something ISN’T a trigger 😌
Exactly, the other plans are self care.
Thank you for the reassurance that it's totally normal to expect attention and consideration in relationships. The advice to be 'less available' when someone doesn't prioritize you the same way you do for them, was very helpful too!
It reminds me of this quote I read, it went something along the lines of: If you're giving more energy than you're receiving, pull back.
To me, it doesn't mean taking an action as drastic as silent treatment. I think it's more like setting a boundary like 'no last minute plans', as you mentioned. Or just backing off awhile, let them initiate the next time you talk, if you're always first.
I love this community! What self aware people!
Thank you so much for this one. I wish everyone would watch it and consider that flakiness is disrespect.
Excellent advice. I wish I heard this 20 years ago! Could have saved myself from a lot of agonizing experiences...
Mae, it's okay to say " let me know by noon" or "please get back to me in (×) hours so I can plan". Totally allowed.
I don’t think I developed this anxiety in my Childhood. I think this anxiety is something I’ve accepted as normal in my adult years. Turns out all the guys were not serious because I’m single and have been single for years. I love the idea of being “busy” if I don’t hear plans by a certain time. I’ll be using that for sure.
Same,adulthood has been brutal
Waiting at all literally causes gastrointestinal symptoms (and sometimes hives) for me, and it has as long as I can recall. I'm not at a place in life where dating is an issue, but I'm currently waiting for some test results for my dog and I can see how it is an old trauma trigger for me.
Thank you for this validating video. 💗
Have been abandoned any time i showed how much i needed comfort & reassurance. Have been on high alert for at least 6 years. Desperately wanting comfort but really needing challenge that feels manageable. Was told to be brave ever since i can remember. Well, i was brave. Now i'm tired. Tired of feeling & doing for others. Tired of having to explain my past. Tired of being asked inappropriate questions. Tired of getting advice or criticism & constant commentary & insults disguised as care. Tired of feeling like an abandoned frightened child, having to put on a front to get by. Tired of fake friends. And those who seek to gain advantage & or control with words. Tired of being tolerated & of tolerating others. Tired of niceness, which is not real connection. Tired of having to be polite when others are so rude both to my face & behind my back. Tired of living in fear & boredom & living down to others' expectations. Tired of people who tell lies. But most of all, tired of suffering & of myself. Thank you. Rant over. For now. lol
So tired!!! 😭😭😭😭😭
I know that my low patience tolerance come from ptsd. I remember some few years before that an acquaintance ALWAYS cancels plans in the last minute, sometimes when I am already at the location waiting for him, I would receive a message of him telling me that the plan was canceled because of work but strangely enough he couldn't bear that people try to cancel plans on him. One day I couldn't bear it any more and got angry and asserted a boundary, by telling him that we can just talk online which is much preferable that planning and always canceling.... well... it is at this moment that I discovered that he was a narcissist... He named called me, attacked my sanity and publicly humiliated me, I became the laughing stock of my surroundings and I felt so humiliated that I found myself apologizing to him... Till today this wound is still there and the simple fact of thinking about it makes my heart ache. Now the simple fact of waiting at a restaurant more than 10 minutes annoys me and when someone keeps me waiting more than 30 min I feel anger flowing through my vein. I develop a very low patience tolerance and I know it will take me years to heal from it
Well, 30 minutes is just too long - I think, your anger ist a very normal reaction in that case (unless the person has perhaps already let you know that they're going to be late for a very legitimate reason i.e. traffic and it is rather an exception)
Ssounds like my ex--a narcissist.
You dodged a bullet!!
It is not wrong to expect common human courtesy. People do what they want to do and don't do what they don't want to do.
My mother would leave you waiting for a lift for a couple of hours, she would not even acknowledge what she had done, the most you got was that you should be happy she collected you at all.
Love the part where you cup your hands around your mouth as if making a secret confession that you didn't have "other plans" but instead just sat a home alone and watched t.v. This is very relatable and shows you "get it". These are the silly things we people triggered by waiting do. Also wanted to mention that you once advised not being the instigator in relationships all the time, so I stopped being the "instigator" in always being the one to call my cousin who lives afar, the one who says "I love you" and we have so many laughs. Guess what? I never got a call from her and it's now been months.. LOL! Love it when our well meaning plans to change our usual behavior for the better blows up in our face! At times like this I remind myself her dad was an alcoholic and her mom was likely abused emotionally if not physically. I have talked to my cousin about connecting the dots in our family and I think without saying so it all makes her sad and she'd rather avoid all the past shit. She seems to want to live in a simple, sunny, small town Norman Rockwell world where the past is left in the past and everything is cheerful. I don't blame her. Some people just don't want to deal with the muck. I will call her this weekend; so much for my not being the instigator, she called my bluff, LOL! This time I will avoid any discussion of the dynamics of our half-pint love, abuse riddled family so I'm not her Debbie Downer cousin.
I hope your relationship with her is thriving still
So glad to hear this one. I joke sometimes that I will be "healed" when I allow someone to pick me up at the airport. From the time I was a young child, I knew that I could never depend upon anyone to pick me up on time. I began to walk home (7 miles), when my mother failed to pick me up on time after picnic when I was in the first grade. I got about half way home and a neighbor saw me walking on a main road and knew that a six year old should not be walking there alone. I had gotten the message very early on that I needed to be self-reliant. This happened so many times, that I never ask anyone to pick me up from the airport, etc. I have worked successfully to calm many of my triggers and I must admit I am still vulnerable to this one. Recently a very toxic friend pulled this on me and that was the last straw that finally made me end the friendship after putting up with far worse behavior from him. I can get into the "I don't need anyone. I can do it myself" mode very easily. Fortunately I am not vulnerable to being triggered when someone keeps me waiting. I communicate directly to find out what's going on and I am out of there if that is the best course of action. In the past though, I would often settle for crumbs and wait ad nauseum for someone I had limerence with, who didn't really care and seemed to like the fact that I would wait around like a puppy. No more. Thank you so much Anna for going into all the nuances of what people with CPTSD will do when we are triggered.
Thank you for this video, this was so insightful! I thought this trigger was me being too demanding and impatient, it means a lot to hear that it's ok to ask for clear plans.
In my case, I definitely had people in my life who were telling me that I was "bad" for asking them to make solid plans or not bail on me. I ended up breaking off my friendship with them, when they left me waiting an hour and a half AFTER our planned time to tell me that they changed their minds about hanging out. They had been cruel to me for years prior, but they definitely ramped up the gaslighting once I set boundaries. I did my best to remember that I took that action to respect myself more, but it's so affirming to hear someone else say, "Their behavior was actually pretty rude, and maybe they aren't the best friends to have."
(As a note, those people are no longer in my life, about two years, and a much better set of friends!)
I am so happy I found this channel, Misdiagnosed and zombie medicated for bipolar when it was PTSD all along I begged doctors for years to listen and they just filled me full of pills..I went to therapy for the first time in ten years this week ,and it tore me wide open.I have batteled my mind for so many years and was in a healthier place before walking in the door of therapy and reliving the horrors with each doctor, for them to ,pass me to another and have to relive it over again,,read the file ,ugh...no more therapy,,today I am cancelling the appointments ,,,I watch an learn from every episode so thank you for sharing your journey to healing,it shows me there is light at the end of this tunnel. How am I suppose to heal if the therapist is crying,yup,broke another one..and I had not even told her hardly anything,,,so I have decided daily to write it out,purge the icker of my evil abusive childhood and move forward without a therapist .I will continue to use your wisdom and heal,,,and writing and video journals I can release the evil and no therapist needs to cry...it will get easier,one happier healthier choice at a time,,,healing hugs and thankyou for sharing your courage with us! love,MMA Coach Ms. Kelly Workman ,,,Warrior up! My healing starts NOW!
Glad you found Anna too! We're cheering for you as you heal! - Ashley, Team Fairy
If a girl checks in on me before a date, I know she's at least invested enough to go on the date.
"In an age of universal flakiness, running flakes out of your life is a revolutionary act" ~Smart Old Dead Dude
I can't believe how much I needed this today! I never realized other people dealt with this too.
Thank you.
Hello Julie, how are you doing?
Spending time with yourself in self respect is an excellent plan for your time 👍🏽
I felt like I could’ve written this letter. Thank you so much for this video, and thank you to May for writing in. This has been so eye opening to me. I haven’t been respecting my own boundaries and desires by consistently putting up with this behavior from others. It truly isn’t crazy of me or any of us to want a healthy and consistent level of communication.
Gosh, this is good. I just realized this last week when I kind of FREAKED about needing to know marriage plans with my very serious boyfriend. I haven't really experienced that feeling with him because he is so communicative and we've had a plan going about our delicate situation the whole time, and yet, we got to a very comfortable place to just be us and date and I started feeling uncomfortable with the lack of plans. We worked it out, but it was a real wake up for me to see that I've struggled with that so much and couldn't really recognize it because it was constant and I was used to having to wait around, deal with my own anxiety, and be gas lit over and over again. So much has been realized for me by actually being in a healthy relationship and experiencing the difference.
Also, it makes me think of my son who freaks out about lack of plans or feels like he's always being lied to if something can't happen. It mostly stems from his dad's behavior early on, promising things and then never following through and not caring that it upset his son, but I can also see how I have contributed to it in little ways or how some things I do make him feel anxious. This helps me think of some ways I can communicate with my son better so that he feels secure and safe, and try to make clear plans with him. The hard part is that things change with kids and in life, and it's not always easy to follow through on every single little detail, but I can also work to communicate that better if I know something is only a possibility or may be hard to follow through with.
This is why I broke up with my BF I wanted to get married and he wanted me to wait 6 months for him to decide whether he wants to marry me and I left after 2 months, the waiting filled me with anxiety
@@xxsasunaruyaoi13xx I think that is a little different if he's saying he doesn't know he wants to marry you or not and needs to figure that out. That sounds like my ex husband who was always back and forth about me and didn't know if he wanted to marry me. Even after 10 years of marriage and 3 children he wasn't sure he wanted to make our marriage work after he was removed from our home because of DV. That relationship was hell and I had no business marrying someone who wasn't sure about me. I think you did the right thing in that case, you should be with someone who wants to be with you just as much and treats you well.
My boyfriend does want to marry me and is just as obsessed with me as I am with him, but we are waiting because of logistics like career changes for him and giving my children time to get to get to know him. He felt like it was wise to give everyone a little time after my divorce and until he feels comfortable providing for an instant family. It's a big change for all of us. I have agreed that those are wise choices but I still get anxious sometimes simply because I don't like to be apart from him and I have my own abandonment fears. It feels like something I need to work through in myself and learn to relax and trust because he never treats me like that.
“Sit there in self respect”. Golden.
Anna, I am a new subscriber (less than one week) and have gleaned so much valuable information from you. The path forward has become much more clear: at long last. I love your communication style: measured, calm, reassuring. You provide an immeasurable service to those of us who dealt with childhood trauma in whatever form it took and lived to tell the tale as best we could. Suddenly, everything has become crystal clear. Thank you!
Thanks for subbing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same !❤
so well said - we get too good to fit ourselves to unacceptable behaviour
waiting is a massive trigger for me too. just massive. even while waiting at a red light I have to put makeup on, or lipstick, or do anything soothing with touch. Yes, I never go on dates that are " same day". Makes no sense to me. Anyone being late is now a guarantee for me leaving at the 10 min mark. After 10 min I am an absolute mess, ready to cry and scream and just be so triggered. This is so sad. Thank you for the video. The more we know ourselves, the better we can place our healthy boundaries and have a good life.
I cannot tell you how true this is for me. As a baby, I was handed over a fence to strangers so my parents would visit a pub. Never touched or held, told good things. As a 5 yr old dad would tell us to get the axe to cut mum's head off. We'd do it, out of fear.
I have met lovely people, kind, beautiful people and I fear losing them.
I'm getting better. But this resonates.
Glad it resonates, glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
If you’re the woman, the man is supposed to ask you out, follow up, and make it clear you’re going out that night in the morning before the date. If he doesn’t contact you before the date, you need to go out with someone else. A man who doesn’t confirm plans doesn’t care. He’s waiting to see it the girl he prefers is free that night, and if not, he’s contacting you at 6 pm, because you’re the consolation prize. I have a rule that if a guy doesn’t contact my by noon on the day of our date, I’m not going out with him. The last guy who did this to me, waited until 4:30 pm to contact me about our date, was already MARRIED. Take the hint; a guy who wants you wouldn’t do anything to lose you.
Hello
, how are you doing?
If you have a date time set up and they show up on time then this is perfect. I have never heard of a before noon or day of confirmation. Reliable men don't flake. I don't think reliable men are aware of these extra confirmation rules! They will tell you if they can't make it or will be late. You may want to let them know you like a day of confirmation before noon because they don't know. Dating classes and relationship standards should be taught and practiced in school. It is no wonder we are all single and winging it.
Yes yes yes. When people don’t text back or return calls my first thought is always, they are mad at me and I have to battle in my mind to bring myself out of it but feel nautious until I hear from them.
Me too. My mom was always mad at me as a kid for something or other and she'd give me the silent treatment.
I had a very young and unreliable mother who had a lot of stuff going on in her life when I was little.. I remember on several occasions her being grocery shopping or something and panicking thinking that she had been in an accident. When I grew older and got into a relationship, this same worry came up for me on several occasions. This has been such a beneficial video. Thank you.
This is very validating for me to hear. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect people to keep their word, be on time etc... However, the responses I got were: you're so uptight, what's wrong with you, chill out, lighten up, you're crazy, you're unreasonable blah, blah, blah... Of course wanting to be the 'cool' girl kept me blinded. I believed for years there's something wrong with me simply because I wanted to be treated with respect. Even in Coda groups I felt like it was wrong for me to have expectations of basic courtesy ie; that's controlling. I have determined no matter how lonely it gets I am not settling for crumbs off the table any longer.
Order of events : Attack on self from close persons. Blamed for your reaction. Hospitalised/diagnosed. Advised to seek "treatment" for your "condition". You have no condition. You have totally understandable feelings to being harmed - emotionally, verbally. You have had or continue to have people in your life who continue to remind you what is "wrong with you". Or tell you to take your meds...as if having feelings about being harmed is somehow a condition, or disorder. No. Your feelings are totally understandable. But please, tell yourself the truth : Therapy & meds are there to keep you coming back. They may be helpful. But the basic assumption that there is something wrong with you for having feelings about mistreatment is the hook. It's a trap. If you keep saying there's something wrong with you for having feelings about being spoken to badly & or physically harmed - then you go from being on your own side to siding with the harmers in your life. Tell yourself the truth that you're an incredibly strong individual who has survived constant verbal abuse - by the very people who claim they want to "help" you ! This is a great way to keep people stuck in a category. Sometimes for decades. There are good therapists out there. But the medical system is designed to diagnose (professional judgement/labelling), convince you there is some condition you have which you can be sold pills for - and keep you focusing on the feelings anyone would have in that situation - & telling you : you have a disability. This can be further verbal abuse, as to define another person by referring to them as if they are a word & not a thinking feeling human being is the very definition of verbal abuse. And people stay stuck, for years. Labelling & saying to themselves : i have ... (insert label here). It is
reinforcing to yourself & to others when you identify yourself as a medical label. Some people want a label. They may feel so harmed from things that happened & still happen, that they still feel very compromised emotionally & psychologically. But you really do not want to think of yourself as either hopelessly damaged or the opposite - because the fact is we are all affected by our feelings about things. We are all unhappy about tragedies in our lives. The modern tendency to diagnose, medicate, evaluate, & dismiss your thoughts & feelings when you've got a label - is just that - a way for yourself & others to put you in a place in your life where you can keep bringing your hurt feelings to mind because you now have "official acknowledgement" of those feelings by medical labelling. It is important to remember all you've survived & may still be currently enduring. But please think twice before you side with those who are keen to benefit financially & or emotionally from the fact you had a label applied to you. This does nothing but keep you tied to those who make your feelings into an illness, which is unhelpful for you in the long run. Focus on what you can do. No matter how litttle that may be. Write or read or explain things to yourself. Realise you're not your label. You're not just a word. That game was played on you too often. Now it's time to stop labelling & start to encourage yourself. Remember all you can do. The words of others used against you - set them aside for a while. If you need to take a rest from those who continue to remind you that you're "vulnerable" or whatever defining word they use - maybe just take some time to stop & acknowledge to yourself just how strong you have been & continue to be to have made it through alive this far.
I feel this way in certain friendship. It feels bad when you show up for them but it’s periodically reciprocated. Then I feel that maybe my expectations are to high.
Thank you Anna for sharing the story of you and your husband.
I love that your only plan that night was "Not to be that girl".
That's such a wonderful way to put it and something I will start sticking to.
This is such a good letter. I was like her second guessing myself and feeling poorly about myself wishing people follow up in timely fashion. In the past I had friends who would schedule get together meetings and then I wouldn’t hear from them for 4,5 days, sometimes weeks and times not at all.
I was pondering wow how come they don’t call me or text me,? What’s going on. Then one day I realized that they simply were using me to be their pet and garden caretaker for them for weeks on end when they were gone and in return gave me crumbs and didn’t follow up with me. After multiple occurrences of that I said my peace and said My good byes..!
I believe I was so predisposed to that type of mistreatment because my biological mother had been doing that type of behavior towards me for years in years, so naturally when friends and boyfriends came along I already been set up for Disappointment and heartbreak. I stayed around and took the tiny crumbs they gave me., because I wanted friends so badly. But they were not really any good friends.
And even when I expected the very minimum of someone such as basic communication and basic courtesy some of these people turned around and told me I wanted too much and that I expected too much. One day I just realized people who cannot bother to respect my time and who cannot do a basic level of communication are not people I wanna be around. And that also included my biological mother who at the age of 60 would have patterns of communicating with me for a short while then ghosting me and disappearing for weeks months years. I realize as long as I tolerated that behavior and I allowed people to treat me anyway they want That I continue the cycle of my mistreatment.
Thank you for sharing, glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Insightful video.
Honestly when it comes to dating, it’s important to have open communication and expectations and boundaries need to be communicated.
People can’t read minds. And misunderstandings happen a lot.
I needed this because I HATE when people are late with no update. If I made plans with someone and they are going to be late I expect some sort of notification. It's so disrespectful when people are late or they do what my sister did. I inveted her to play a game with me and some friends and she said she would be there. We waited for her for 30 minutes. I texted her no answer. I called her and she finally picked up. I asked her where are you? We're all waiting for you. She goes " I'm at the beach. I don't want to play." I was like " why didn't you tell us you weren't coming? Or send a text. Anything?" She then tells me that it's not her problem and we shouldn't of waited for her. I was furious. This is just one thing she did. She's done a lot of things like this or been unreliable. Same as my mom. She was always late. I had to tell her to be somewhere an hour earlier just so she gets there on time. Pisses me off so much.
What about when your are trying to build new relationships with new people, such as friends or family, you send a text asking a question or inviting them for coffee, and they never respond. Perhaps later, they may apologize and say, I forgot to text you. That is a crappy excuse, especially when they are constantly on their phones. It does not take much time to write a text, less than a minute, it just makes you feel unimportant and unwanted.
Dang, these people are stupid, I would love to come for coffee!
Thank you SO much for this video! I have parents who say they'll support me by doing something & then turn around & change their minds. It's happened over & over & over to the point where I've known for a very long time that I can't rely on them for anything. Not being able to rely on your own parents for support lays a very shaky foundation because you automatically assume everybody you run across will disappoint and disrespect you in the same way. What you said about respecting yourself & drawing a line in the sand is 100% the way to go! You have to teach people how to treat you. I don't let people do this crap to me. If we've 'made' plans for a dinner & I don't hear from them until the last minute, guess what? I'm busy. I made other plans because I don't sit around any more waiting on others. And if it happens too many times, that relationship is over. I respect myself and value my time enough to say no thanks.
Great video. That is the one boundary I have perfected ... a jillion more to go 😊 ... it's a good way to weed the nofits out. The nofits are not worth fitting into my life if they can't respect me / my time (it will never work) - no longer waiting for days or hours ... if they don't arrange plans in advance, I am busy & they are blocked. That's not a good way to start a relationship always saying yes at the last minute due to severe loneliness or whatever --- there's a difference between spontaneity and being the last one on the list that they call. Won't be the last one they call. If they are serious about a date to see if you might be a good match, they will be respectful. I love the block feature on my phone. I have also chosen not to date for the past 2-1/2+ years so that I can try to heal ... lots to fix first.
I had a partner who wouldn't give me an answer as to what we were doing until the last possible minute just to maintain control. We did the same thing every Saturday night for five years, but he would wait until Saturday afternoon to confirm every single week. My time was never as important as his.
The guy after that would flake when something else (usually involving female attention) came up. The usual passive-aggressive stuff, evasiveness, punishing me by breaking plans and then arbitrarily giving the silent treatment for a certain period of time for something I did or didn't do ("I won't talk to you again until Tuesday."), picking fights so he could leave, stonewalling, silent treatments, pretending he wanted me to go out of town to do something I wasn't planning on doing so he could be free to do whatever, his dysfunctional "friends" texting and wanted a ride to the next town, but it would take seven hours, on the only day per week he still put at least some time aside for me. He was only consistent in his inconsistency. And he blamed me for not trusting him.
I'm so used to waiting I now expect it.
@iknitbecausemurderisfrownedupon
P.S. I love your username..Lol
Except I
Crochet ...
i write because murder is not polite🥺
I had a friend who was always at least half an hour late turning up to the pub or concert. I would be a little late as I relied on buses and was a bit agoraphobic so would be wondering if she had turned up on time and left but she turned up after me saying that her mother phoned her just as she was going to go out and kept her on the phone and wouldn't let her end the call. How about she doesn't answer the phone in the last half hour before going out so she wouldn't have been in that position.
Her mother would dump her old clothes on her so she then had no room for them so in turn dumped some of her old clothes on me and I was stupid enough to accept one item of clothing each time out of politeness. I was having central heating installed soon so hardly had room in my home at the time as that meant having to clear the larder as that's where the new combi boiler was going to be put in and clear furniture away from those parts of the rooms where the radiators were going to be installed. So that meant less space at home until the job was finished. So eventually I told her I couldn't accept anything from her but she still kept pushing the old clothes on me. She couldn't care less about my situation at home. She was decluttering into my home. Another would shower me and everyone else in his life with presents all year round even when we weren't short of money and didn't need them. Or when we were short of money there would be useless presents as well as the odd thing we wanted. He would see something on eBay and want to buy it for someone and if you didn't get in quick and say you didn't want it he would order it for you. If you were undecided for too long he would buy it anyway. This is treating people like they are objects and not seeing them as they are but as you want them to be.
Thank you for sharing your own vulnerability with us. I've only just recently realized that waiting was a major trigger for me. In the past I'd get flooded with uncomfortable and uncontrollable emotions and oftentimes blow up and end it with the person I was dating (only to later retract everything, even if it was partly deserved). I still get flooded with this deep pit in my stomach of worry of abandonment and general dysregulation when I have to wait in my current relationship, but instead of reacting so swiftly and absolutely as before, I try to contain the emotions and reflect on them- if they are purely trigger/unhealed wound based or valid. I struggle with that still.
LOL! I TOTALLY have this. I had a boyfriend who was terrible with this. He ended up being someone I had to let go for other reasons. But he was THE worst about being super late and sometimes didn’t even communicate😳
It felt as if the universe was trying to test how well I could control my temper before blowing my stack. 😳
Definitely reliable people are way less stressful to deal with by far.
I've been through that too, waiting and concentrating for hours on a guy's message that would or wouldn't come, getting angry sometimes, but surely wasting a lot of precious time. I think, once you get a hold of your ptsd, after eliminating 'unhealthy people' from your life, after learning that being alone (un-coupled) is okay, then you'll start to simply not putting up with certain crap anymore. My former 'madness' in waiting-patterns has been in my mind over the last 2 months, since I started dating someone who can talk, respond and generally make me feel at ease. Communication is simply flowing. If he's busy, he'll let me know, if I am, I do the same. You can also come back to your person with a 'sorry, I couldn't reply earlier today..', as an acknowledgement, just saying. TY for this video.
I don't engage on any level, I can't. There was always sooooo much chaos around events and holidays, I stay disengaged.
The new "norm" of 'ghosting ' folks (not responding or answering), which is more frequently an act by Millennials, caj be very triggering. NO response to business emails activates my anger & anxiety.
Thank you, this trigger me a lot. A spent years waiting waiting just scheduling things that was never done. I feel the same.
I have learnt to set clear boundaries for plans due to having free-spirited friends who are not as keen on set times. I simply explain that my minimal expectation is a time to be ready for. My boundary in dating is that I need the same amount of days notice as it has been since we last spoke. Ie if they only contact me once a week, I need a clear plan for 1 week before they want to meet. If they are talking to me daily, I am happy to meet up the next day/ spontaneously.
Love the boundaries you've set for yourself! Beautiful work! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Right on the nail’o! Worst part is that now, not wanting to appear clingy or too available, I’ve become downright avoidant myself. I try not to flake on actual appointments, but I cannot answer messages in a timely manner-even when from people I adore. Do you have a solution for that?
I’m tired of trying to fix my ways though, do we get to have a vacation from recovery work?
I do that too..I don’t respond to texts from friends for days. I’ve pushed away so many people.
Thank you ESPECIALLY for the last "I have plans" tip. I definitely needed that. To respect my time and not to think that it's manipulative.
I soooo relate! This guy use to tell me he’s keep me “posted”. Which I came to understand as I’m not showing up. I would go ballistic!!! Hugs Mae
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have co-workers who often do not email in a timely manner... Workflow gets stuck and I often have to clean up the resulting messes and catch flying debris.
I had this one down when I was dating. friends also this works for. If they don't give you a date and time they are not serious. This worked for me 95% of the time. If they did not I would not retake them serious neither and pretended to be busy. I would say let's get together tomorrow. ❤️ in a loving way.
The problem came up when I met someone that lit me up like a Christmas tree. I did not put up and boundaries so he treated pretty bad. It all started with his constantly being late....for hours.
YES! Absolutely works for friendships too. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Anna I would love a Self-care for cptsd class. I remember being shocked when you showed your transformation when you wanted to higher your salary. I feel it might be a struggle for a lot of people with cptsd , how to care better for yourself and your appearance etc. There is a lot of "styling" video out there but I would love something in relation to cptsd from basic selfcare, to up leveling your style. How to navigate being presentable and appropriate for various situations and the feeling of feeling "wrong" when you dress nicely or put some effort etc. You seem to glow and just become more stylish with time. Just an idea , I don't know how many out there would be also interested. As we are constantly judged on our physical appearance and it might be a deal breaker between getting a better job or not. I feel it would be a worthy course if you ever make it. 🤗
I like this idea!
Julie@TeamFairy
Oh wow, that explains a lot. And yes, I've been guilted by them that I'm overactive.
Thank you for answering this question in me. I thought I was being sensitive with expecting too much. They ARE being rude.
Helps to recognize this.
Thank you beautiful fairy! 💖🧚♀️
I love this letter. I definitely resonate with this waiting trigger. And yes it is an indication of being gaslit and having debilitating abandonment trauma.
Men use the “I’ll call you” tactic A Lot, which I think creates a trigger within itself…compound that on top of existing CPTSD, and we second-guess ourselves. So, glad she wrote this letter. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
P.S. And if someone gaslights us for saying no to a last-minute date, then thank God they are showing us who they are. Believe them.
I love that you give such practical advice. Much better than the rather vague and general "respect yourself" messages elsewhere. You actually describe what respecting yourself looks like. Thank you!
Waiting at therapy or doctor appointments- the worst!
Totally relate. My Dad always said “don’t make a pest out of yourself” when I’d call my friends on the phone. So I always hear that when I keep in touch with people more than they do with me.
I'm "old school" when it comes to certain things - morals, values, character. Keeping one's word - keep promises. When a person says they will do something, they should do it, unless they have some type of emergency (illness, family emergency, etc.). Also, plan ahead to make sure one is on time (for work, social events, etc.). Allow for traffic, delays, etc. All these things are just common courtesy. Because I do these things, I guess I expect others to do the same, and when they don't, I get really angry and start second guessing myself, wondering if I should just cut this person out of my life. In reality, it's just a matter of respect for the other person. In a perfect world, we would treat others the way we would want to be treated.
Thank you so much, Ms Anna, for helping so many people. You are doing awesome work!
That explained some of my anxieties I always have, when people/trains/shows/anything are late.
My last relationship was turning into something, I did not like at all. It was a "measure with two different scales"
Partner wanted to be "spontaneous" but at the same time limited my being spontaneuos, which they regarded as unreliable. If I asked for more reliable a tions and plans, I was told by them "life cant be pressed into such ‘narrow boundaries‘, dont be so demanding", and I asked too much of them in their eyes.
Now I realize how self centered of them this was, and how unfair to my needs.
Healing is still ongoing, and as long as it is not done, I dont dare to date for fear of not being able to recognize, if we slip into unhealthy relationship mechanisms.
Hi Fairy! Just wanted you to know that Amber at The Quietest Revolution gave you a shout-out for the term “crapfit” in her April Gemini forecast. Turns out you have a lot of fans over there!
When people let me wait to long for an answer and then reach out short notice I usually say something like: "oh, good to hear from you. Since I didn't hear back from you, I already have other plans for....."
People think being spontaneous means setting a day and then on that day deciding the time based on thier whim. Where as spontaneity is actually calling a friend up and saying, can I comeover in an hour.
When i watch these, i not only get a lot of affirmation for myself, but i see how things that really upset me about my ex boyfriend was his CPTSD trauma. He would get really mad at me if I left him waiting anywhere for “too long”. His dad was an alcoholic who abused his mom, he said he would have to fight off his dad often. Then his dad cheated on her and married the mistress. His mom was super controlling and judgmental on top of things.
I can’t go back in time but I wish i had taken more time to understand him, and to see that he wasn’t an asshole, he was just a wounded person doing his best. I wonder sometimes if I had done that, could we have worked out? Maybe, ultimately, two traumatized people together just doesn’t work anyways.
when ma divorced dad, she said she wanted to tell us the reason. we (the kids) could have made a laundry list... she surprised us by explaining, "No. It's just one thing... he doesn't do what he says he is going to do." This paled by comparison to the things we had seen (from them both btw)... decades later, it is one of the most impactful statements I've ever heard.
This lady like KNOWS me lol. Our biggest house rule is not leaving without telling me where you are going, or checking in if you have to be gone for a long time. My parents used to forget me or fall asleep when I was supposed to be picked up.
Thank you so much for that deadline tip. I just did somthing similar involving a get togethers with friends, I was left hanging through text messages for dinner at a restaurant. I received zero confirmation of the location, I only knew the day and time. I did not re text her either which was hard waiting like that. I needed to see what she would do. In the end I did not go, we talked after the fact were she did apologized to me for the confusion though her reasoning for her confusion was lame. Only time will tell if she's a flaky friend or not. I truly believe we have to teach people how to treat us, the sooner in the relationship the better.
The friend who discarded me just like this after a friendship of 35 years ( she just deleted me on Fb, that is how I found out ) was the same friend who when we still where on speaking terms never was on time, always kept me waiting. Once, I had flown to the other side of the world to comfort her .. she was’nt even in time to pick me up at the airport… 😱 The agony! 🤮 Why do we put up with such atrocious behaviour? Because we’re traumatized and think we don’t deserve to be loved/treated well.
I have the reverse problem lately especially being on vacation with my family. I have a typed out general itenerary of the main events each day during the vacation (taken as pictures saved on my phone) but then everyone acts like I'm being too slow in the morning (can be any time between 9 and 1130am) but they never want to tell me a definitive time to get up eat breakfast and leave the hotel/Airbnb. And it's been different every single day of this trip. I don't take forever to get dressed or do makeup. But I wish people would just be more honest about what amount of time we actually have in the morning before going out and doing our "plans" without hard time stamps.