Do I Stay? or Do I Go? | A PhD Student's Search for Meaning
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
- I went back and forth so many times about whether I should share this but in not doing so, I have felt disconnected from my content and my anxiety has gone into overdrive. My PhD has become such a fundamental tenant of my identity online and personally over the past four+ years at Yale and I think this relationship with my sense of 'self' has caused me and my digital community a lot of confusion. That being said, I don't want to hide or keep private the very real challenges this decision has caused (I have been in the worst mental state in the past two months than I have in a long time). I feel a duty to myself and to you to be honest about what this process is like and how much it has impacted me and my confidence, but also to show how decisions this big take time but also community in order to figure out the right path forward.
I am so grateful for this space you have leant me in your day and for allowing me to share these moments free of judgement. I hope to hold the same space for you and encourage you to not see these moments and insecurities as a failing. We're only human after all. And I hope that this serves as a reminder to recognize the beauty in remembering the beginning and getting in touch with our why, but also leaning on your support systems (near and far), no matter how long it takes or how difficult it is to get there ❤️
Best,
Kaelyn (your multi-passionate friend who is trying to figure things out one day at a time)
Title: Do I Stay? or Do I Go? | A PhD Student's Search for Meaning
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Coming from the other side (i.e., the finished side): you will never regret finishing. You will never regret having the PhD. All of the stuff you’re describing about feeling unmotivated and unconnected to the work is completely normal. I tell students now, if you are ABD, cut chapters, narrow your focus, but don’t quit.
I don’t usually comment but I wanted to chime in as someone who’s been on both sides of this: I was where you are now and I did quit my PhD, but then went back and finished it after a 5-year break. I also had no plans to go into academia (still don’t) and I was doing it for the love of my subject but now I’m very glad I finished. I actually hired a coach to keep me accountable the second time around and that was super helpful. I think for those of us who have a love of learning & research, an unfinished PhD will always nag at us, it did for me. Ultimately, finishing is worth it, it’s one of my proudest achievements, not to mention that it does open doors down the line if you do decide to go back into anything related to academia or research. Completing a dissertation is also just a valuable mental exercise in learning how to finish big & hard projects. Wishing you all the best!
Hi Kaelyn, I really hope that you find the right way for yourself. Please don't feel pressured to do anything that does not bring you at least a little joy. I also think I'm speaking for most of your UA-cam community when I say, that we are absolutely fine if you need a little break from making videos from time to time in the future when juggling a job and a PHD. We love your content but don't overwork yourself because you think you have to fulfil other people's expectations❤❤
🥺 thank you so much for this ♥️ it genuinely means a lot that you all are so supportive
Yes, definitely! Do what's best for you!
Dear Kaelyn,
Thank you for sharing this as I think a lot of PhD students (if not all) can relate to this. I defended my PhD in History of Art two months ago at Sorbonne University. I was 6 years in and for the last two years, I had zero motivation, so much so that I was feeling truly depressed. I did not see the point of what I was doing anymore. It felt like a loss of time. Even though I could not write, I could not enjoy anything nevertheless. I told everyone including my director that I was writing when I was actually doing nothing. Well, I was doing a lot of other things : publishing articles, editing books, organizing conferences etc but not the core of my PhD, aka writing my dissertation. I really felt very deeply and sincerely that I would not be able to complete my PhD and that I truly was an imposter. I was at a still stand and the declic came when my director just told me that we had to organize the viva. Last September we decided on a date and invited all of the professors (in France the viva is public and very formal). It finally gave me the incentive to write my dissertation. Between September 2023 and April 2024, I wrote two of the three volumes of my dissertation, completing nearly 600 pages. It was not a very healthy experience as I was working from 9 AM until 2 AM. In the beginning I struggled because I still had zero motivation, not seeing the point of it all. During those moments, my director reminded me that in the life of an academic, the PhD is one of the hardest experience and that I sould not feel ashamed. Once I became immersed in my writing it got better and I began enjoying the intellectual process and this time apart from the world, just creating something of my own. Of course, I do not take this as a healthy example as I do not recommend working this way to anyone but this is just to say that in a nearly impossible situation we can succeed and we can be resilient. The viva went wonderfully and since then I have been feeling so proud of myself for pushing through. Do not give up !!!! Push through !!! If you are very organised, as I see in your videos, do not be afraid also to live a tiny bit in chaos as I think a bit of chaos is necessary while writing. Change your plans, cut off sections, chapters etc it does not matter, it will never be perfect anyway. You are stronger than you think and you will be so proud of yourself once you finish because you can absolutely finish !!! I think completing a PhD is a truly profound and existential experience and as of this day, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done. Best of luck !!! I am sure that your dissertation will be phenomenal !
You know, I have subscribed to your channel to try and combat the very same feelings that you are describing here. Honestly, I hated your content but only because it was flaring up my insecurities and telling me where I am lacking and how much more work I should be putting in. This is no way an attack on you, just an honest response to seeing someone so organised and put together, which no doubt you are, but who also, allegedly, has no negative feelings about the whole PhD process. I am also doing my last year of PhD in history but my previous three years have all been a bunch of negative experiences. And I can only imagine how self-aware you were about the image you have been creating online and how this vulnerability could put you in a tough spot. I just want to say a huge thank you for opening up because this is so validating and priceless; alongside your extremely helpful content there is also a human whose mental capacities are not unlimited. In my eyes this makes you an incredibly strong person and a true influencer. Thank you, Kaelyn!
Hear, hear!
Greetings, dear little sister! I have been watching your videos for some time now and I don't know why you came up in my feed, but you did and I immediately click through. We have absolutely nothing in common: I am a Black woman in my 60s, unsheltered, living with chronic pain and trying to make it day to day. But there is something about your journey that really makes me smile. I love that you can tell the stories about my ancestors that I don't have a voice to tell. I love that you ride horses. I love that you and your grandma traveled to China. I love all the parts of your life because you unabashedly live your life! There is so much more, but stay strong and stay true to you. Be blessed, Carolyn
Thank you for sharing this; it really moved me to tears. Everything you’ve expressed is so relatable in the journey of a PhD, which can often feel isolating and meaningless, while also being incredibly demanding. I can only imagine how raw it must feel to share this publicly, especially when I struggle to even share these thoughts with family and friends, as my identity is so closely tied to my research. YOU HELP ME SO MUCH ON THIS JOURNEY
This comment is truly why I love youtube
Going through a process like this is so hard! I was so stressed during my Master's that I wanted to quit too. In the end I didn't and I finished. And now I'm looking to a second Master's degree in a different field, because I realised that I really love research and I want to keep doing it.
But I also struggle with the change of direction, because I thought it meant my first Master's would have been a waste of time. Hearing you talk about being able to wear more than one hat is really encouraging. I think we sometimes try to put ourselves in certain categories forgetting that there's more than one thing we can choose.
This comment is so encouraging ♥️ thank you for sharing friend
@@KaelynGraceApple You're welcome!! Your video was equally encouraging :) Hang in there 💖
I just finished my PhD!! I was so burnt out in the middle of it!! Sometimes if you take a break and then come back you feel excited about research again!! We need to be better about normalizing taking breaks during the PhD!!!
I'm just a bachelor's degree student, but I do relate that taking a good chunk of time off of things helps rebuild motivation
@@lizzsszzy7800 I think this related to people at all ages of work and school!!
hey obviously I only see you from youtube but just know that from my perspective as a history undergrad you seem way harsh on yourself! Your research sounds so cool and as much as the final product and publication is important, for me its so inspiring to even just see you persistently working at it. At the same time, to me, you wouldn't be letting anyone down if you changed your mind. You've still done all this work and thats so impressive regardless. You got this!
This is so kind
You do sooo much. Wear so many hats. It makes sense you felt lost and wanted to quit something. I’m shocked you survived this long without a complete breakdown. But I also want to say to everyone reading this that you don’t have to do everything Kaelyn does to be successful. Success isn’t defined by how much you can do at once. Doing too much isn’t a good thing. You do you. Learn from Kaelyn but also don’t try to be here or fall into the trap of toxic productivity. You got this. Keep pushing but also know when you take a step back!
Kaelyn! Your coaching and content helped me get into my MSt at Oxford. That experience changed my life and I’ll always be grateful for your guidance.
Thank you for being vulnerable and for depicting the postgrad experience so honestly and thoroughly.
Rooting for you to find your way back to a path filled with passion and fulfillment and peace ❤️
Oh, Kaelyn I can so relate to this. I am in the finishing stages of writing my dissertation, and you have no idea how many times I had to really think about this question. I keep thinking, that I am not cut out for academia. But believe me, we are expanding, and this time is the thoughts ever! But we got this, and you got this! If you ever want to chat over coffee in London, let me know!
Kaelyn, thank you for always being so honest in how you document your journey. it has been such a privilege to follow you along on your journey thus far, and i know myself and many others are looking forward to seeing wherever the world takes you 🤍
Kaelyn, I think the work you are doing is so important. The details that you find in the archives show a time in history where people were viewed as items or property, but your work can bring them the honor and respect that they deserve as human beings. You are giving a voice to the voiceless and helping the nameless or forgotten about to be remembered.
5th year is so so hard, I explored so many other paths. I even tried to apply to a different PhD program and move away. I'm convinced that the more challenging part of academia is not intellectual but emotional, it's a very isolated job that required an immense set of emocional skills, self worth and community.
Fingers crossed with your dissertation. I absolutely understand that feeling, been there. I wanted to give up so many times, I was burned out, working full time, stressed out. I submitted my dissertation in may and will defence next week. Still feels unreal that I will soon finnish my PhD.
The isolation in studying at a distance is why I joined Accepted society and I still didn’t use it well last year. My goal for this year is to use it as much as possible. The support of a community in the same boat, as a campus and other students, or a community online is something I really underestimated, and didn’t think would matter, but it’s huge!
I think this quandary you found yourself in is inevitable. I'm so glad you came to your decision to continue, but remember you can always change that decision too... I'm at the point of why am I doing this? But for me it's because the work is so hard right now and life has been insane...but we'll get there. Or we won't and as long as we are happy, then all the right decisions have been made
Always here to support you Lizzie ♥️ your resilience is something I admire so much and I trust we will both find our way through 🥰
As a former community college kid/ former transfer student from the Bay, I am so proud of you and how much you've grown. I feel like I've been subscribed for awhile now! No matter what decisions you make and which way you go, I hope that you're proud of yourself seeing how far you gone. I hope you take some of the pressure off yourself. You are doing great. Please give yourself some grace and understanding.
I admire you for being vulnerable and honest with all of us who have watched your videos through the years. You are so strong and brave, and I just want to let you know that you are not disappointing anyone. You are AMAZING ❤ And we are here for you every step of the way!!! Being a PhD student or not, a product developer or not, a content creator or not, you still inspire all of us! ❤
Hello Kaelyn - your video popped up in my recommended uploads and I’m glad it did. I was completing a PhD part time while working as a head of department in a school and as a sessional academic when I became ill three years ago. Within the space of 12 months I had glandular fever, covid and was diagnosed with two autoimmune conditions. Because of it I’m battling to overcome chronic fatigue. I’m still on leave but I will need to decide next year whether I will continue or withdraw. It has made me really think about my motivations and what is really important in my life. I don’t need to make a final decision yet but at this stage I am considering withdrawing. You haven’t failed if you don’t finish.
Thanks for sharing. This video brings up the invaluable importance of university peer groups looking out for one another and offering institutional support. Notice I didn't say "friends" in the casual sense of the word. Mental health is another area touched on and studies can take a toll on even the smartest students. It is critical to know why one pursues higher learning to the extent that it is taken (undergrad, Masters, PhD) and depending on the individual case, each person has a different set of responses that should not be burdened by societal expectations. I am of the view higher learning is not for everyone and it is tragedy that young people are made to feel that they are nothing without the external validation of a piece of paper. Your situation also in other aspects brings up the reality of how historically black lived experiences (the Black Atlantic, chattel slavery, breakdancing i.e. Rachel Gunn) are being instrumentalized in historically predominant white spaces for research purposes in a way that materially benefits individuals other than those whose lives are directly impacted. This is growing problem that has reared it head of all places at the recently concluded 2024 Paris Olympics with Raygun's now viral Olympic performance. She wrote her dissertation on breakdancing, an art form that emerged as part of a sub-culture in the Bronx, which for a long time was looked down upon and marginalized. So, it becomes understandable why reparations is an ongoing movement in the Americas and the United Kingdom and we are seeing how the ruling classes respond to that by putting a mixed-raced candidate whose distant family background is rooted in the colonial plantocracy, more so, anti-abolition sentiments within the former British Empire. If that is not a push-back, then I don't know what is. I'm not saying that to impugn you work Kaelyn, your work is part of a long dialogue. That's just the situation in the grand scheme of things as it stands. These are complex issues that sometimes overlap and are interrelated. Happy to know you have footing going forward, as it should be! Best wishes🙏
Kaelyn, I JUST started my PhD (literally yesterday!) and I already know it’s going to be a long journey ahead. I’ve never felt this much imposter syndrome before, and I can’t help but feel that I don’t deserve to be here. I admire your openness throughout the year about the struggles of a PhD program, but also how passion and dedication to research is what pushes us through.
Seeing you unsure after seeing you accomplish so much has given me so much strength and hope.
I hope you continue to do right by yourself forever.
I was thinking as I listened to you that it seemed you lost the passion amidst everything else you were doing. Burnout is not surprising - you've been doing this for 4-5 years straight without a break. That takes a toll! I am glad you found it again - it does show how nice being remote can be, but also how we still need people. I start my final year of my master's and have a dissertation due by May 2025 so I'm hoping to employ your strategy of setting up "study with me" sessions with other kids in my class to work together. (I doubt any of them will be up at 5am to do homework, but we'll give it a shot! Ha!) I am also a believer that everything happens for a reason. I was worried when you said you found the proof you needed to confirm your hypothesis and it didn't excite you, but I was also thinking that maybe the purpose in your schooling was to get you to England while helping people get into their graduate life. Who knows? Maybe it will help, too, when you have good study days or hit a breakthrough, record a video while you're happy and excited and talk to yourself - keep it for later when the days get tough and you can relive the excitement. Sending hugs from Ohio! Just remember - do what's best for you and what makes your soul happy!
These decisions are frequent in our lives - sounds like you were able to work through it and have a plan! While having a PhD doesn't solve problems or fix anything, it is something that no one can take away from you. Your love for your research topic and self-belief along with support from a community of scholars will be crucial in you completing your PhD. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on making this decision.
Thank you for sharing. And thank you for being so honest. I love your channel because you are more than one thing. I love the variety that you offer so I'm glad that will continue. If I can offer something for you to consider... I had a therapist tell me that burnout is when your values don't align with your actions. So, perhaps you've felt so burnt out recently because you are trying to be everything for everyone. Maybe tap into your core values and see where they take you. I'm so glad you decided not to quit. You have so much to offer
This is such kind and thoughtful advice ♥️ I appreciate your perspective and I think you are absolutely right. I’m just going to lean into the messy non-definitive approach to things rather than being solely wedded to one identity or even three at once. Just going to try and be me ♥️
Thank you for this honest, heart opening share. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night like “wtf am I doing??? Is this even going to help me in any way???” And working through the fear has been a challenge this summer. It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in these feelings 💜
Sometimes we hit a wall and have to be dragged kicking and screaming across the finish line. I hit the wall SO HARD my final semester of undergrad when i had 4 huge research papers and a comprehensive project to complete. The burnout was real, but I struggled through. I told myself i could go out downtown for seafood as soon as I submitted the last paper. It's silly, but that little treat bribe got me through it!
I like how you showed us your process of decision-making. You know how to size the problem from all angles to figure out what is right for you and part of it requires allowing the space to being lost. You are your alignment coach. This is what is most useful for me to witness.
I relate to this so much. A while ago I had the opportunity of a lifetime to go overseas and do research, work in an amazing international organisation while doing my PhD and being paid to do so for two months. Yet here I am several months later feeling the exact same thing you're talking about. I have so many questions, thoughts. It's 2am here and I'm still figuring it out but still doing my PhD in the hopes I will settle somewhere. Seeing my husband in his last few months of his PhD after all of the ups and downs he's been through over the years, I have a feeling I (we) will get there, wherever makes us happiest, as long as we listen to ourselves. I'm at 9 mins in and am honestly crying with you. I needed to hear this (and have this mental conversation) so much so thank you.
I am glad that you were able to find community to help in your decision. I quit my PhD during the dissertation process for all the reasons you did. It has been about 1 and a 1/2 years since I dropped. At first I felt like a disappointment to others but I am ok with my decision. I completed a second master's and I am about to start my third. Getting the PhD would not have allowed me to start my goals but these master's degrees are definitely sending me in the right direction.
Congratulations on 500 videos!!! I began watching your channel over a couple years ago, and binged watched the videos until I was caught up to the current videos. I have a love of history and books, and your channel is heaven sent to me. No matter where life takes you, I will always watch and support. BTW, the study with me videos are the best added content to your channel. I watch them when I'm reading or working on my planner.
Good for you. The right decision is the decision you make for yourself. Don’t even feel that you’re letting people down. We are here to support YOU always! ❤ We love you!!
Thank you for sharing this process. I'm also dissertating right now and it is a TRIP. I can relate to everything you've shared here and I know it takes a ton of bravery to be transparent about the ups and the downs. Over the course of my PhD I have really enjoyed your content and I have always found it incredibly motivating, but also have felt a sense of "Why can't I be like that?" while watching. The process is not linear and we are all multi-faceted and hold multiple identities- I have also been drawing on community lately in an otherwise isolating stage. Sending you lots of strength and solidarity through the next stage!
I held my breath this entire video! Lol. I'm a bit selfish in saying I'm happy you're not quitting the PhD. Your research interests me and I know you're going to produce something wonderful. That being said, we'll all support you in whatever decisions you feel are best for yourself, including the direction of your channel. Maybe you could add a section in Accepted Society for coming back to your "why" - it could help everyone stay centered during the harder times?
I've been doing my PhD for 7 years and this summer has been a nightmare as I'm in a similar situation 🥲. The difference is that my supervisors told me that I should consider quitting. I'm still fighting but...I don't know what I'll do. Sending you a massive hug ❤️.
Hi Kaelyn! Happy Tuesday 🎉. Please do not feel obligated to produce content if you're not feeling it. However, I have two suggestions: look for other creators' vids that have had the same dilemma for feedback. And take a couple of months off from longer vlogs for breathing room. If you can or choose to, make short vids under 2-3 minutes bi-weekly just to say hello & how you're doing(other lifestyle stuff) until you're absolutely sure! Your channel is growing....🥰. I enjoy the simple stuff like you riding your horse, hanging out & eating, etc. Have a fabulous week!🥰
Thank you so much
This is going to resonate with so many people. Particularly in your situation it has been extra complicated making the decision AND deciding whether to put your process out there, but I think you will help lots of people with this video. Your journey as a non-traditional student continues, and at every stage your community just wishes you happiness whatever that looks like and wherever that comes from ❤
Kaelyn, you have built such an amazing community of like minded individuals. I know the road seems long and hard but we will be there the whole way with you.
Thank you for creating the Accepted Community.
Hi Kaelyn! Thank you for sharing with us and being so vulnerable. I loved your point about being multifaceted- it hit quite a chord. And, the shrewd approach you take in handling those heavy feelings is inspiring. As someone who is considering a complete career change and pondering a PhD in another field, seeing the reality of ebbs and flows is so helpful. I appreciate your content and wish you well on this next chapter. I'm looking forward to following along! But don't hesitate to take breaks from this if you need to, this youtube community supports you 100% ♥
(P.S. What a find in your research!! Way to go, girl 😃)
You are not alone, friend. I have been feeling very similarly about my masters over this summer. All of my cohort has graduated. I pushed my graduation a year so I could do a second field season and I am really regretting it. I have also been battling some new, mysterious chronic illness that is as of yet undiagnosed. Finding the motivation to get through comps and my thesis feels so challenging right now. I very nearly cut my project in half and went non-thesis a couple weeks ago. I really wish the culture of academia wasn't so demanding and isolating. You are doing great. Whether you stay or go, you will still have our support. Do what is right for you.
Thank you for sharing your process of making this decision. I literally jumped out of bed with renewed energy towards writing and finishing my own (this summer has been a bit of a slump for me). Never stop sharing...it makes such a difference in this isolating stage of study :)
From a 58 female, my recommendation would be to finish. What a gift you have to study at Oxford! I was given an opportunity many years ago in my career to work in London after some time I gave it up in pursuit of career growth. It is my biggest regret. I couldn’t see how lucky I was. You’re so close. I strongly encourage you to push through it. You will never regret finishing. Hang in there. Enjoy a strong cuppa. 😊 you got this ! All research has value and purpose. It makes us smarter and wiser.
Lack of community in your academic career is one of the main reasons why many students leave school prematurely. Even though you are far from your university, perhaps you can hang out around Oxford university more. Find other PhD students to build your community in London. I thoroughly enjoy watching your videos and you are one of the reasons why I decided to pursue a masters degree and now a phd! I honestly didnt even think I was going to finish undergrad because it took me 8 years of community college classes before transferring to a 4yr since I had to work during it all. You have done so much for so many people through your videos! And accepted! We are all rooting for you to complete your dissertation! I also have to work full time while doing my PhD and I only have 1 year to complete a full dissertation. I too am overwhelmed with the idea but it's reassuring that I'm not the only one to experience the trials and tribulations of pursuing a PhD. As they say, if it were easy then everyone would do it! You're extremely intelligent and hardworking. I can't wait to see your videos of you successfully defending your dissertation and graduating!
Love you girlie and whatever you're doing; watching you do life is inspiring
You can do this! You motivated me to apply for a PhD programme this autumn
I read something the other day that kicked my butt and I would like to share it with you. “You are not a work in progress, you are a success in progress.” You and your dissertation are a success in progress. You have got this!
Hello Kaelyn, I'm a biomedical engineering master's student and recently I lived all the things you talked about. I was quitting and thought I had no other choice cause I felt miserable the way it was. After having so many conversations, I've decided to finish and made a plan with my supervisor (by the way he's not that supportive at all). Now I have less than 2 months to finish my dissertation. I just want to say I really felt everything you said and it helped me understanding that I'm not alone. I know it's really hard to share these things, but I'm grateful you did. Thank you and I wish the very best for you.
Hello Kaelyn! I've been your subscriber for a long time and I really love your content. I'm currently in my third year of a four-years-long PhD program and I am also in the dissertation writing phase. And I felt so seen while watching this video. I, too, have many times considered dropping out of my program. I relate so much to what you said about how it started for you vs how you've been feeling lately. I think it's much easier to be excited about your research in the first stages of a program, when you are just connecting some dots in your mind and coming up with ideas, but then it gets much more challenging once you have to put them into actual writing. The problem is, also (for me at least) - no one actually teaches you how to write a thesis. Yes, we have the experience of writing papers and essays and MA thesis, but this is just a completely different beast. And because in our minds PhD diss is like THE diss to write, sometimes maybe we put ourselves to impossibly high standards? I also decided to stay after all and I am now trying to find ways to just find my way of doing it without completely burning out and losing my sanity. The first step for me is to just give myself some slack. I accepted the fact that I may have to apply for extension and weirdly I feel like that made it more possible for me to actually finish in time? Also, I accepted that what works for other people doesn't necessarily work for me. I'm not trying to give you any advice - I know how annoying that can be, receiving unsolicited advice ;) I'm just trying to say that you're not alone. But also - thank you. I have six days until an important deadline and I've been working (and stressing) like crazy for this past weeks. Today I just felt like I cannot do this, and needed a day off - even though I cannot really afford it on this tight schedule, but it was simply a necessity. And on my day off I watched your video and it just helped me so much to feel better, in ways I cannot describe. We all struggle. Thank you for reminding me about it.
I have found that when you're changing as a person, those roles that we exist in become to feel stagnant and uncomfortable. While we keep some of the pieces and discard the others, we have to learn to become comfortable with shaping them to fit who we are becoming. I'm proud that you let yourself do that! It's not easy to do and sometimes easier to ignore for a while. It's been so nice to be able to watch who you're becoming and please feel welcome to show the 'messy' side of your life. :)
Hiya Kaelyn, just wanted to drop a quick comment: thank you so very much for this video. I have been a long time watcher, and your honesty and openess about this whole process is so insanely heartening. I wanted too just to say this- we are all undoubtebly happy that you feel better on your path to PhD, but, if something changes down the line, please know that we would all full heartedly support you in whatever you want to do. Life is far too short to be unhappy, and you will be successful in anything you set your mind to. Just put you first, and be damned with all the rest. Hugs.
9:40 it is so good to share this! It is really important that we are surrounded by the research community!
So happy you found your North Star again with Accepted Society. So many distractions, so much noise in life. It’s human to get off track or question the path you are on. I for one want to read your dissertation! I’ll be patient and I’ll be praying for you! Don’t give up! Anything that’s worth anything is hard. I’m rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing - your story is so relatable. I became ABD 2 years ago and similarly had a feeling that something was missing/lacked motivation. I kept working full-time on my dissertation for a year after becoming ABD but felt so unmotivated and burned out. Last year I took a full time job and my mental health hugely improved. I still haven’t officially dropped out, but I have such a feeling of dread whenever I think about going back to working on my dissertation.
I am thrilled that you did not quit. As someone starting this journey much later in life, after decades of "should I?" moments, let me tell you that you will not regret this additional effort. And having a PhD will open doors for you in the future, even if you don't know which ones yet. And, to finish, a quote from Bernadette in The Big Bang Theory: "PhDs are great, you should get one!". Love from Portugal.
Hi Kaelyn! You are gloriously being Kaelyn! You shouldn’t feel like you are letting anyone down! This life is about YOU! And you are trailblazing gloriously!!! ❤ DONT LOOK BACK!!!
Always do what's best for YOU. Your life is about YOU.
Hi Kaelyn, as a PhD student, I feel lonely sometimes even though I go to the university daily. Especially in the beginning, I second-guessed myself and felt like I was either too young or too inexperienced for it. And then I was literally looking online for other PhD students and how they studied or organised their lives or how was to be a PhD student and that's how I came across your channel.
Your videos helped me on days when I was lonely or uninspired about my work and research. I was in a long unmotivated period about my PhD in which everything was so stressful and I could not enjoy the process. I was also asking why I was doing this and felt like quitting a couple of times.
Just recently I had this realisation that being a PhD student was driving my life and defining me, but that should just be my job, a side of who I am - better yet, not who I am, just one of the things that I do. So what you shared in your video really resonates with me and thank you for sharing - I see that I am not alone and why I decided to share my thoughts, so you and others feel embraced as I did.
Thank you so much for your channel and your work. I wish you the best - with or without a PhD degree.
Your strength and honesty is incredible 🫶🏻
This so raw and a true struggle in the academic world. And to have a rigor schedule and support everyday to do research with sane mind is so tough while juggling other works and responsibilities in life but I think you are managing pretty good and as you are figuring out, I am sure you’ll do wonders with your dissertation
Hi Kaelyn, Thank you so much for your honesty. I feel the same way with my job. I am a deli worker at a grocery store. I have taken that as my whole identity. I am also a human. I have interests in history, psychology, and many other interests. Thank you for being patient with yourself.
Hey Kaelyn! I am a similar situation to you, finishing my PhD while living abroad and away from my home campus. I relate to all that you're going through! Its hard being away from campus and your graduate community while writing. I think you made the right call to stick with it. Something that helps me is to remember my dissertation does not have to be perfect. It doesn't even have to be good. It just needs to be approved! Another line I read in a book was something like "Your dissertation should be the worst piece of research you ever do... Because all the research you do after will just keep getting better and better!" Which is all to say, I agree with the comments here - rather than quit, I think its smart to simplify and find ways to pare down the dissertation so that its acceptable to your committee and then get out with the PhD :) You've already gotten so far. Good luck!
Quitting is disappointing. But sometimes it’s the right thing. Dont ever feel bad if it comes the right thing! As long as you’re in love with your work you can share it any way you need to, as you said!
The lives that you study and learn about would appreciate all you do as well. Random. Maybe the least significant reason to continue, but worth mentioning. Their lives being rediscovered probably means more than we will ever know. I can only hope my life is worth future generations researching. ❤
When first seeing this video on my recommendation page I thought it would be an unserious rant about your indecision about whether to continue your PhD like Vee's weeks ago. But when the scene with you in tears came up I just knew that this real.
I understand your passion for outreach, hearing Community College from someone doing a PhD is rare, at least for me.
I found your video insightful. Whilst everyone's journey is different, witnessing someone wrestling through such a decision is something we can all learn from.
Wow. What a video Kaelyn.
'Why am I doing this?'' is a good question to occasionally ask yourself as it can help keep you on track.
Also those 3 questions are powerful.
Hi you definitely won't quit
Reaching the peak is always like this
This is natural
You are the one to finish it
I'm sure about you ❤🎉
Hi Kaelyn. I've just finished the first year of my PhD here in the UK. I went straight through from school, to my undergrad, to my masters, and into the PhD with no break. For the past six months I have been asking myself the same question--stay or go? I am twenty-three and I have never had a single moment outside of academia. I've worked alongside it as a freelancer and in traditional jobs, but I have never had a break. I decided a few weeks ago to share how I was feeling with my advisors--exhausted, burnt out and really, really sad. I love my research, it matters to me SO much, but I know that I would be doing it a disservice if I carried on in this state. So I've decided to take a semester off to rest, recover, read for fun, and just allow myself to be a human being who isn't defined entirely by her academic achievement. I'm terrified and apprehensive but I think I know, deep down, that it's the right choice. This video came at the perfect time to confirm that it is the right choice for me, and it is so refreshing to hear someone talk honestly about the struggle of not wanting to disappoint anyone by quitting. You are absolutely not disappointing anyone, and I'm glad that you've found your spark again, both for yourself and for your research.
I understand the Ph.D. journey is a challenging one. You got this! Your time is your time.
After coursework, it took me five years to write my dissertation, four of which were spent in very similar existentialist crises. But it was the one pragmatic doubt I had that perhaps I should have yielded to: the job market. Of my cohort of six in a public university, one is now tenure-track, but at a school that required she sign a "Statement of Faith." Two eventually were hired into quasi-administrstive full time positions. Two dropped out ABD. And I am a career adjunct. Since 2013, every TT history position my department has filled is either a spousal hire or an Ivy PhD. My field is slavery focusing on its Jim Crow legacy, specifically, the abuse of history and how it was taught in secondary schools. I haven't written a word since I defended - pretty difficult scrambling every semester to keep the lights on. But I've made my peace with it. It makes me chuckle to read my ProQuest download updates. I used to say "no one will ever read this" but I was wrong on a global scale. No one can take those three letters from me. I did it because I had something to prove to myself. And I have.
Kaelyn, I'm so sorry. You aren't disappointing anyone for choosing yourself. I recently "dropped out" of my ivy league phd in the united states to change to a program in the UK. While my situation is not completely similar to yours, but I did what made me happy and I don't regret it. Do what is best for you...
You're so amazing and honest! I am a third-year PhD in the US, and sometimes, I feel the same way. I thought about quitting many times, not because I do not like research, but because it is such a burden...
I’ve been studing all of my life. I’m 47 years old.When I start asking to myself «why» then I give myself permission to let it.
During a few days I check what I’m feeling.
I use to feel that I want to come back to my books.
Sometimes, we only need to stop, to rest and after that take a deep breath and we would be ready to go no.
We don’t the answers about we are going to think about a decission in the future, but if We let space to our instintic, our stomach is going give us some clues.
Kaelyn, you scared me with the first half of this video! I thought, “if Kaelyn, my biggest inspiration and motivator to go after my PhD can’t do it, how will I?” (I hope that isn’t inappropriate to say and if it is I sincerely apologize) I’ve been following you since my community college days and I’m now applying to masters and PhD programs. I didn’t even think I would graduate high school. This video is really grounding and humanizing, I’m so glad you shared this struggle that I and many others in the comments seem to have faced. It is a real thing that we have to step back and consider from time to time, whether or not to continue. And coming from a fellow non-traditional student, there is never any shame in taking a step back, taking a break or gap year, or starting over on something old or new. Needless to say you have my viewership for life, no matter where it takes you and this UA-cam channel. Your horse vlog is seriously one of my favorite videos of yours.
I had the same struggle when deciding if I should complete my Master’s degree. I was a non-traditional student, trying to work full-time and complete my degree. It was hard. However, now that I’m on the other side (I graduated not long ago), I am super proud that I found a way not to give up.
You can do this. It will be extremely difficult, no doubt about it. Just know we are all cheering for you. ❤
I quit my joint PhD program in May after a medical leave. My journey _(started with discovering I'm neurodivergent)_ messed me up. I already had a philosophy & master's degree, work experience, teaching license, & experience as a teacher-researcher. So at the end of this, it was really about me finding hope -- not to finish, but to flourish in spite of. I JUST got a job & will soon be returning to the classroom!
🎉 Good luck to you!
I really relate to everything you’ve been going through. I’m writing my Master’s dissertation now and there was a period a few months ago where I had a lot going on in my personal life and then suffered an academic setback. It felt like everything was crashing down around me. I ended up crying on the phone to my mom about how I wanted to quit my Masters. I didn’t though and now I’m a week away from submitting my dissertation. I’m glad I kept at it, but I’ve definitely learned a lot. I pivoted fields a bit between my Undergrad and Masters and I’ve realized that my research interests probably sit best at the intersection of the two fields. I shouldn’t try to force myself into just one disciplinary box. I definitely relate to your frustrations with feeling boxed in
Also to share some advice from my advisor: “Feeling like you’re drowning in the research process is normal. If you don’t feel like you’re drowning, it’s likely a sign that you just have dug deep enough into the research.”
All the confusion you were feeling about how to approach your dissertation is just a sign that you are well and truly deep into the research. It would be concerning if you didn’t feel that way
In the last few months I have been crying and I said that I wanted to quit more times than I could count. My academic journey started in 2016 and I have two years to go so I feel you, especially with the road blocks and feeling so unsupported 😢 what I decided to do is just not work on my project and giving myself the space to quit if I feel like the next year is not serving me. That feeling of flexibility gave me the ability to continue. I hope that we both finish with grace ❤
Kaelyn, doing a PhD is a lot of work and very stressful. It requires a lot of patience. That is one of the reasons that I never want to do one because it goes on too many years and your topic has to be very narrow and focused. I had enough problems going the Master's degree never mind a PhD. Once you earn your PhD, you will be very pleased how much you have accomplished.
Thank you for sharing your process. I am glad that you reconnected with your community. Truly, a wonderful experience.
I went through something similar, though I lacked the presence of mind and self-awareness that you've shown here. I was finishing my PhD in history remotely and was sputtering out. I was randomly living near the city of an OAH conference one year, managed to attend, and reconnected with the profession and historical research.
Your research is truly interesting, since, as you are proving wrong, matrilineal inheritance supposedly did not exist until the VA colonial ruling. Good luck!
Your feeling is valid, and you have been feeling this way for weeks, the universe is trying to tell you something. This morning, I was thinking of if I should get a Master’s or not. Then I was searching Stephen King on the internet, because I admire him as an author, he wrote over 70 books. And I say to myself, “if I open his Wiki, and see what education he has, if he only has bachelor’s then I’m not getting a master’s.” It turned out Stephen king only has a BA, so it’s unnecessary for me to get a master’s.
Thank you for sharing this and for being so honest and vulnerable
thank you for being so open and honest
Keep sailing⛵️ You will find your bearings✨️
I truly got happy for the decision you make ❤🎉😊 I said you are the one , not a quitter 🎁🎈
Hello Kaelyn, this is the dim sum guy from Canada. I am impressed with how willing you are to be vulnerable on screen. I have set aside my masters studies for 4 years. I am not sure if I will go back because my wife and I have different opinions as to how to direct our finances. We have recently gone through some health scares but thank God that my parents, wife and I are mostly ok. Let's keep each other's families in prayer. God bless.
In June 2026 you will be glad, that you decided that way! Take care of yourself! And maybe take one ball out of the juggle from time to time. We love your content, we struggle with you, a lot of us been through this... At the end all will be good and if it is possible: I will read your dissertation! 😊
Greets from a german full-time working mom who finished her bachelors degree in July with the support of your videos for study organisation and the diaries!
Please don't give up when you are lost in the middle of the forest, but keep doing what you have been doing for years! Don't quit!!!!! you will find the path!!!
I’m experiencing a lot of failure with academia and it’s starting to take a toll on me. Thank you, for this video. Those three questions helped me continue with academia even though I hate my classes this semester 😅
Hi Kaelyn, I went through exactly what you are going through with a decision to either quit or finish. I think almost all PhD/EdD students go through this period of questioning whether it is worth it. So, you are not alone. But could you pause before you make the decision? Don't make it in an emotional state. My sister passed away, and I know that aided my questioning of whether it was worth it. I had to make sacrifices to be away from family and certain celebrations. It took my brother-in-law, family, trusted friends, and my advisor to put things in perspective. They didn't say stay in it or not but asked certain questions about how I would feel if I didn't finish. What would be the outcome of walking away? Could I live with the outcome and consequences of walking away without the EdD? If I was at peace with it, then I should do it. If I was not, take a break and return to it after I've regrouped. My recommendation, pull your support group together. It is so important, to be honest with them about how you are feeling and take a break from it all. A real break where you don't touch or write anything related to your dissertation. See how you feel afterward.
One aspect of this is that your topic is very confronting. I do similar research and have regular counseling sessions. I am engaged with an Indigenous group that is keen to see this research done. This keeps me going. Look after yourself. Best wishes to you.
Hi Kaelyn! I am not sure how it is in history, but in computer science we regularly publish our datasets during the PhD process. They are normally called conference resource papers. Hopefully there is something like this for you in history. Otherwise I know you are aware of the computational digital humanities community and they would know how to get that done. It would be a win that could help you have more motivation. Best of luck.
What matters most is your mental health. Please keep that in mind at all times during your journey. Good Luck.
Thank you friend ♥️
one question that I did to myself when I was in a breakdown in my PHD was: I am doing it for myself or for others expectatives? And an other one: there is any other field where I can develope my passion? Quit or stay are both a good decision, girl.
Thank you for sharing and your an inspiration dont forgot it!
Speaking as a certified trauma-informed professional, your mental health is more important. It's okay to want to change course if it will benefit your overall health. I have spent all of my life as a musician. When my mother died 2.5 years ago, I stopped performing. I realized that my connection to my music was to my mother. When that connection ended, so did my interest for performing. I don't see myself as a performing musician anymore, but I still sprinkle my music in my new ventures (and get paid for it). You can still do your work, you might have to sprinkle it in your new goal. And you can still feel proud. I proudly say that I don't perform anymore. I haven't forgotten my music, I just use it differently. You can, too.
Thanks for sharing. Sending love, light, and peace as you grow, learn, and live.
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm mulling over the same decision. I keep postponing answering it because I know it would be healthier for me to quit, but I really don't want to since I still get excited about doing the research. The project just has not worked out as it should have. I also very much relate to the lack of community. I don't want it to be a purely financial decision, but that is where it is going atm.
I am so sorry to hear you’re facing a similar challenge friend ♥️ I support whatever decision you make and hope you find peace