Lessons for anyone who was scapegoated by a narcissist (Narcissistic Family Roles)
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- Опубліковано 5 чер 2024
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I was the scapegoat. At age 46, I moved to north central MN. At age 49 I went no contact. All that is up here is snow and woods, with not a narcissistic family member for a thousand miles. It’s been a year now of no contact, and it’s been the best year of my life.
Happy hear there just hope to disconnect with them forever...Jim! I always think how move away far even to our country but unfortunately I couldn't done it yet....where I live it's a small country and even if you live in other city they try to figure out where are you...I wish find peace and not have see all my family forever being with just Mr and my dog ...and sometime meet only nice healthy pepole...so in a way I wish I could be in you're own step
...
@@user-zd8sg9gu1q I hope and pray you find peace too. Keep making plans to get safe. And until then, research “gray rock” techniques, and other ways to improve boundaries. That was the first step for me. It took decades to finally be free. But it was worth it.
Thank you very much for caring..Jim and Suzy...I wish you all best too..🥰
I’m getting all teary-eyed, I’m so f*cking happy for you. Seriously. I know first hand, everything you’ve just described. I hope you thrive in your peace. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@pseudopuppy160 Thank you 🥰
I remember being a kid like 5or 6 writing in my journal that “ my family calls me the problem child and I want to be good so they will like me” I used to cry all the time to God to change me. I’m glad I found ur channel because so much makes sense now. I just want to fully heal and not let my past continue to dictate my future.
You can & you will! sending love and light.
Narcisists hate the Truth Tellers. And try to get us to Lie and Manipulate, like they do. Because they are afraid of us exposing them. While we Truth Tellers are from The Light. And Liars and Manipulators are from The Darkness. You seem to know who you are.... A Lovely Truth Teller.... Inside and Out
I can totally identify! Withdrawing, weeping, writing in my journal, crying out to God! Eventually I gave up on myself, my desires and dreams, and even God for not hearing and helping me (so I thought). I stayed home until I miraculously got married just over a year ago, at 29. Lived with both parents as narcs, third of 8 kids, am definitely the scapegoat...
Yet, God brought me a loving hubby, and has been bringing much healing, beauty, joy, etc. in my life since!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing your wisdom! I can't express enough HOW much it is helping me and my husband understand and deal with our tremendously difficult situation!
I totally identify with this!! My mom found the journal and threatened to tell my father and I would get into trouble ... I was too young to understand that I wasn’t doing anything wrong
@@virgogrowing2337 The Narcist/Sociopath/Psychopaths in our lives love to Manipulate and Project Blame onto the Truth Tellers around them. Since they take our Honorable Character, to be a Threat Against There Behavior Being Exposed.
Every time I read the comments from all the people who have survived I just want to say: GROUP HUG, GROUP HUG!! My hope is huge blessings for all of you...
Sending hugs and wishing huge blessings for you too, Pat.
We are the Cool Kids imo!
sending you hugs from Virginia. Yasmine
So much hope when I see survivors 😭😭😭😭
My narcissist is helping to build strength to move on. Group hug.
So true! "Some people will never like you because YOUR Spirit irritates THEIR demons".
🏆
Well put and deadly accurate.
WOW!! Yes!! This ^^^
Good one
Literally.
Basically, we are the ones who refused to drink the Kool-aid. It's something to be proud of, even if it doesn't always feel good.
Amen to that!!!
Damn this kool-aid taste like i may have been right for much longer then i thought i didn't want to see it forever i thought our relationship could be fixed
Totally agree
Thanks for that thought.
Yep guys, it can't be fixed. I'm in my 60's and I've tried. When you realize there is no cure, that's when you walk away. I only wish I'd known about this whole thing 40 years ago, but better late than never! We are not Kool-aid drinkers and that's it.
I went from ScapeGoat to EscapeGoat and I've never felt happier and freer!! 🙌🏻
Same, with God's help and deliverance.
I like that!
Me too, I'm the escape goat!!!
Wish I could do the same!
@@carolinemaja2199 just do it! It took me a few times but I finally accomplished it. And it's been 7 years now. No greater feeling
I was a scapegoat in my family and I spoke up and they gaslight me. I am now living in another country and the distance alone gives me peace.
Me too moved to another country
I moved 800 km from them, then to other country. Distance give the chance
But, please, be watchful, please, don't fall for their traps and baits
I had forgotten who my mom is and fallen to her trap. I have excuse - it was 26 years ago and I heard nothing then about narcissism
I'm not going to my mom's funeral even if all my family becomes flying monkeys, I had decided.
I'm 63, I'm myself mother, and now also grandmother...
I have rights, and no one allowed to bully me
@matikramer9648 Absolutely, you deserve to be happy. I went no contact with my mom in January 2023, and I am not ready to talk to her yet because I don't want to fall back into that trap. I am very careful and nothing, nobody can treat me like shit again. I have the right to be myself and be happy. Last weekend, one of my brothers said I should call her. I just sighed. I am not ready, period. I hope to forgive her and relate with her from a distance, but let me heal first. Thank you for sharing.
i really wanna do this too bu im still stuck even at 25
Sadly it broke me so much that no contact isn’t even that healing 😒
I was the sibling who was left out by siblings in social gatherings, the butt of jokes and insults. Yet I was the one who they came to fix their problems. In my 50’s I realized I deserved better and went no contact. Having no close family hurts but as time goes on I realize I have value and deserved better. I miss the idea of family but not the people who I once considered precious to me above all else.
Me. 68 yrs young. Wished I would have learned earlier.
My life....well said! Yes it hurts like hell... but once l decided.. No contact! PEACE.. I'm from a large family to now just hubby & l.. GOD HAS GIVEN ME PEACE! Have a hug from me.❤
That's me but I cannot move yet because once they stick my dad of 86 years in a nursing home so they can sell his house, they'll dump him like a hot potato. He wasn't narcissistic at all; he just couldn't bring himself to punish us so my late mom had to. I feel someone needs to stay by dad. He'd rather come home where I'm willing to care for him. Is that me being scapegoated more? How do I walk away from dad who never turned his back on me?
This is incredibly familiar to me! Two of my siblings are narcissists and I was their whipping boy…. Beaten down this way throughout my life. Only came to truly understand my situation and family relationships once I was in my 60s! Guilted into trying to help them only to be abused over and over again. When my own adult son was upset to witness my siblings- and now their kids!!! - disrespectful and mistreating me did I understand the chronic gaslighting and how hurtful it had really been all of my life. Now have cut them all out of my life. Slowly recovering from it all.
@@chrisb.4323 I am not sure you ever recover from it but you learn to live with it. Even after years I still feel resentment and anger from time to time. At least for the most part I have some peace and a lot less drama in my life. When I am down I ask myself is my life better with them or without them. It puts it in perspective rather quickly. I am proud that I have finally developed a back bone and set boundaries. I have some self respect and overall I am stronger emotionally. Sorry to hear about your family problems and sometimes the hardest thing is the best thing for you.
Scapegoated for my entire childhood right up until I realized university would be my only chance at escape. I busted my hump to get terrific marks in my last year of high school and suddenly I was the golden child... but it was all hollow and I saw right through it as my brother quickly became the scapegoat instead. I moved away for university and went low-contact, and I’ve been no-contact for nearly a decade. I committed to serious CBT and DBT work for much of my 20’s and now, at 33, I finally feel like the captain of my own ship. I’m in a loving, equitable marriage and have a safe home where boundaries are respected and love is unconditional. I’m a teacher, giving a safe space to students who may not have one at home.
Good for you! Glad you were able to conquer your abusive upbringing. 😊
You are a true inspiration. I'm so happy you have been able to turn your story around and triumph. What a gift you are giving to your students too.
Good on you for turning a painful childhood into a helping hand for children in need.
May God (or who/whatever you're comfortable with) bless the shit out of you! Your post has me all teary-eyed. I just love that you are holding a safe space for kiddos. Thank you for pushing through that awful crap and doing better than what you got . . . oh, my feels, right now . . . so happy you exist
All of the above! The best revenge is living well and happy. I was fortunate I realized I could never win in the Narcissist's "swamp" when I was a child and internally went my own way. Basically gave them the finger in my mind and trudged on. My mother would say "I wish I hadn't had children". I replied " Then I wouldn't have known the difference would I? " deflating her intent to hurt. You could literally see the frustration. Not giving them the satisfaction can be empowering. And realizing inside they are mean & miserable. Be happy & succeed. You'll drive them nuts. If necessary, "Stash that trash in the road side barrell" and move on.....
I was scapegoated because I was bright and I did really well at school and my narcissistic mother was so jealous of me. So, scapegoating is not just about not measuring up. It's also because you have great qualities and the narcissistic parent wants to drag you down because they're so jealous and envious of you.
This was my story too and my mother was jealous of everything Incas, had and did. until she died although she would also brag about me to others to make herself look good then turn around in private and cut me down. This made me feel such deep insecurity and mistrust that I have failed to follow through on things I loved and was good at which made me depressed. Not one of the many therapists I paid thousands for ever helped me, understood the dynamics or even took me seriously. Finally, there are people like Dr. Ramani getting this information out there and support from other survivors sharing their stories.
Right on. Same thing happened to me. An envious mom is like a curse.
My mom is afraid of my success too.
Wow it takes all kind I guess I was opposite failure at school body dysmorphia didn't want to be seen I was the perfect target literally
Just discovered ma is a narc n so is my bro. I'm the scapegoat, he's the golden boy
I was the family scapegoat and treated horribly. Blamed for everything and treated the absolute worst out of everyone in the family. I focused on my own healing religiously for years, found passion and purpose in my life, and now i help others do the same. You can do it too. You will survive and thrive once you focus on You and your amazing qualities. Miracles do happen. Keep shining ✨️
I needed this. Thanks.
I was 11 yrs old and called for help when our violent alcoholic father was fighting in the basement with another drunk. Mother was at a sport tournament with my 15 yr old and 13 yr old brothers. She asked me to take care of my two little sisters ( 9 yrs and 8 yrs at that time). The call was made at 3 am...three little girls...terrified. Help did come, Mom came home early, and she told my siblings " Your Dad is in jail for endangering his children, and it's because I broke our family code of silence...I called for help. Police came, and that's why he is in jail!" Today my siblings still blame me. They exclude me from family gatherings...and we are in our 60's. Dad and Mom have passed away. Still treated badly today. I have removed myself from this highly toxic family and I am fairing better now. Scapegoated, but now I understand that I am the strongest person in this family!
We are scapegoated in our families because WE TELL/TOLD THE TRUTH, which our family members could not stand!! I grew up on the east coast and moved all the way to Hawaii to get away from them! I was left out of the Will!.... I deal with the family rejection to this day (I am 65 now) We scapegoats are STRONG and RESILIENT which is another reason we are hated by our SICK family...so take heart, your family was jealous of your strengths that THEY NEVER HAD!!! :-)
Sooo trueee ....
... a good analysis
It is their loss, send them a pic of you sitting on the beach and laughing !
How remarkable is that?!!!... My sister moved to the US and eventually to Hawaii from the UK. She lived on Oahu Hawaii Kai.
I have a very similar story. Moved from New Jersey to California to escape. Likewise, totally disinherited without any warning or discussion. I am approaching 68.
I'm 72 years old, and just now receiving confirmation that it's not all my fault...thank you Dr. Ramani....
thanks for your comment, Wes. I'm older as well, and trying hard to overcome. I married the same kind of person as my mother, but it didn't show until our first son was born. I hate myself that I replayed the role, and I can't afford in today's world to step out. I won't get freedom until either they, or I, die.
So glad the best years of your life are going to be peaceful and in better company. The best to you.
@@20sandi12 don't put yourself in that position. If you think you are too old to walk away, then think about how your narcisist spouse think. Walk away....if they want to have you back because they are scare to be old and alone, then they need to earn it........
@@reginapolo3357 ...I shouldn't have written that. There are millions of homeless women out there who are homeless as a result of 'walking away' from a narcissist. I'll be alright; ultimately it is my shadow self (very strong conflict-avoidant) that I finally am learning to overcome.
I'm 68 and it was not 1 day to late to finaly figure out the truth. How refreshing.
I am the scapegoat of my family. My father was a narcissist. And I found out less than a month ago that mother is one as well, of the covert variation. I’m 34 years old. And, as I post this, I’m in the middle of a cross-country trek in order to break away and start a new life. Thanks to Dr. Ramani’s videos, I was able to identify all the abuse I’ve received my entire life. This channel has literally saved my life. For anyone out there experiencing narcissistic abuse, stay strong, stay positive, stop brushing things off, and remember that you are worth way more than what you’re receiving 🤍
My parents are the same. I feel you❤
My parents made me drink a prescribed sleeping pills and proceed (together with the psychiatrist) to convince and swear that it's not a sleeping pill and that I was hysterical.
I was at the lowest point in my life, and yes I was deeply depressed, had eating disorder, bullied, and delusional due to intense depression.
Afterwards, I almost got thrown into mental institution.
I had to convince myself and secretly throw away the sleeping pills, and then I gradually became much better. TL/DR I pursued my education in Australia, met my partner there and now move to Canada 🇨🇦. It was a long journey, but I made it and now in a currently in a 5 year healthy relationship.
To any of you out there, no you're not crazy. We just had more sense of justice and throw in the truth out there. Don't pursue revenge.. pursue your career and life, be strong and live beautifully.. that's the best revenge.
Also don't bother to explain stuff to self-centred beings. A dog would understand you better.
I agree
When needed, dog will understand better than that kind of family
I had a similar experience, not to long ago on x-mas. Not sure what happened and how it was injested. I became very tired and and dizzy. I had to soon lay down in the guest room. I felt drugged or something, and not sure what happened. Quite often I really have to be aware of what I am eating and drinking around the holidays. Try to avoid the Holidays but somehow get roped into some kind situation. whereas I am gaslighted and made to look like a fool. over and over again way into my adult life. when I mention the uneasyness that I feel, I get the typical " your being paranoid "
@@paulrush4545that's so unbelievably bad😮 well maybe if u buy something to test drinks for drugs then you'd have proof and whoever does that would be scared
I stopped at 3 mins just to silently cry... in learning so much from this woman. Thank you for your work
She is so wonderful isn’t she? I find it so helpful
💜
I cried as well!!!! I’m so overwhelmed by this & it’s all happening step by step!!! I seen it as a child into my adulthood (54) & it hurts just as bad or even more
Yea she’s helped me face the harsh truths that will set us free from all the BS we are given from Narcs
🤗🧡
The best part about being the scapegoat is the moment you realize that you are not to blame for your family’s dysfunction after all.
After years of being the emotional dumping ground, you gain the courage to quietly walk away
Agreed. I have some friends in this situation. Walk quietly away. Any commotion from the scapegoat will make the toxic family say. "There's always one." "It's his or her fault that there is always arguing and problems." LoL. After one stops needing the relationship or validation anymore. The acceptance phase of grief comes easier. I always say go quietly with a caveat. If the scapegoat can write a tell all book and get money from it. Do it.
Amen to that
Lol
Yes. And walk away, most definitely walk. Make your life, it will be hard and there will be times you’ll find yourself in bed in a ball of despair, but don’t ever give up, ever. One thing about scapegoats is that they are survivors whether they realize it or not. They’re survived the abuse and had the guts to leave, or had dreams of leaving because they instinctively knew things weren’t right.
One of the keys to my emotional release, and it can be yours, was the understanding that it isn’t personal, even though it does feel very personal and the pain cuts deep. This truly was a turning point “it wasn’t about me” but was about something going on inside that person, as they were beating me, smothering me, destroying my things, etc., etc., etc....whatever the abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, it wasn’t personal to me (even though it was happening to my body), but driven by something going on inside the perpetrator’s head - their twisted psyche. I just happened to be there because I was trapped by marriage, just walking by, being a child in their household....I was trapped and an easy target to their rage/wants. It’s as simple as that. Understanding this made it so much easier for me to step from victim “why?” mode and into a different place of understanding. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, but once I did, it was freeing, the weight was lifted. Do I forgive them their actions? No. They don’t feel any remorse, why should I let them off the hook when what they did to me was criminal. What I am doing is giving myself freedom to leave the darkness they saddled me with, I’ve lived with it for decades, in some cases well over half a century, that’s long enough to live in their evil. I wanted out so I gave myself the gift of it.
Amen. I'm going quietly, I won't give them the satisfaction and I won't give them anything to use against me, when they try and tell the rest of the world, "see, look how awful and irresponsible she is...". They will have nothing, except the sound of silence.
My two narcissistic, multiply-addicted parents threw me out of the family for going to therapy. They did not know what was done there, but that is a threat to them somehow. I have had two Flying Monkey sisters who have vilified me for over 20 years. I went no contact. They want me back to torment me more and they have no one to scapegoat any more. They have to look at their own behavior and it's not pretty.
I never realized that 'mobbing' was a thing in narcissistic abuse, I thought it was just my family.
I grew up in a trailer park and everyone in the trailer park was direct family, all aunts and uncles etc from my mom's side. My mom was a covert narcissistic abuser and I was the scapegoat in our nucleair family, as well as in the whole trailer park. Now I am an adult I can reflect on my mom's issues and why she was and is abusive, but I never got why my whole family was in on it. Why would my mother's brothers and sisters also ridicule and abuse me? I still don't get it. Maybe one day I will.
I saw someone comment that they were the scapegoat bc they were a bright child and it might have to do with jealousy and insecurity. I can relate.
It has helped a lot to go "grey rock". I've tried for a year now to use that method and now I'm seeing the results. It helps to have a superficial relationship with my abusers, while not suffering under it. I'm gonna look into the mob mentality more!
Thank you dr Ramani, for your great work 🥰
Whatever reason it is, whatever you find, it's still not excuses person/s bad, inappropriate, merciless behaviour..
You might start understand from where it comes, but even if they apologise properly, they will never change
I'm 63 now, and thinking backward, looking in the past events (it still hurtful) I'm telling you - they will never ever change - no chance for it, only our wishful thinking
But we are also many in quantity
Best of wishes for you
I'm also hearing the word 'mobbing' for the first time and recognised it instantly as an issue in my mum's side of the family. Her nephew is the 'golden child' in the family and the whole family back him and his mother like they can do no wrong and anyone who doesn't play ball is scapegoated and gaslit by the two individuals. The rest of the family are too fearful of conflict so just say that we should either placate them or forgive them just to keep the peace and no one has the right to seek any accountability whatsoever.
I'm glad I live in a different country so don't have to deal with that day to day and even more glad that my dad's family are nothing like that and he's been a massive source of stability in my life.
You can analyze it until the cows come home, but at its core, it is a big cosmic test of who everyone is. If everyone in a society has the opportunity to throw a rock at one person, do they enjoy it, or do they refuse? I think they will get their karma, and you will get your reward.
@@ravenel2I hope you're right.
Defamation aside, which a staple of narcissistic parents; just like in any other bullying system it has to do with the pecking order. Bullies and narcissists are able to commit abuse either because no one sees them do so, or because those who see it act as enablers. Enablers are not just passive witnesses, rather they internalize and the behaviour by justifying and joining in. Specially children who are starved from recognition, will not hesitate to point a finger onto somebody else in order to get attention or divert blame. They recognize pretty fast is a "eat or be eaten" situation, and they sure don't want to be the next target. Which is the reason why enablers are part of the problem.
For those who are asking themselves, "What's wrong with me?" or, "What have I done to be treated this way?" It's NOT you. It's a broken person giving you their rendition of who you are to them, but honestly, that's how they feel about themselves. Healthy people don't go looking to blame others for the issues in their life.
Amen! That's right! Especially the blaming children that we're hearing about on this thread. Children are not responsible for their parent's happiness! Good Grief.
So good!!
Exactly!!
@@jspaingreene6350 Amen to that statement!
Very very well put.
"Accept the system is broken", "don't let their behaviour define you" SO important. Thank you.
Easy to say,BUT ABUSED , NEGLECTED, SCAPEGOATING A CHILD IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE 😭🙊🙈👹👺👹☠️👻👻👹👺👹 PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, IT'S TORTURE ,WORSE THAN GETTING PHYSICALLY TORTURED DAILY...
In ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES THERE ARE EXACTLY THE SAME FAMILY ROLES TOO 🌹🙏🙏😇 DR.RAMANI,
I DIDN'T KNOW IT HAD BIBLICAL ROOTS???
🥰
Wait....what? I'm not to blame??? Lol....and all these years......they're just shit and that's hard to accept.
Yes my father's decision to wash his hands of me is actually not my fault and I don't believe it when he and his allies blame and gaslight me.
Sweetheart if you are reading this you are worthy, allow your life to be a Cinderella story. There are so many people out there that want to treat you fairly, love and support you ♥️
Me reading this because my name is Sweetheart. Lol but seriously, Thank you for your sweet message. It’s helping others ❤
I am 43 years old and still being scapegoated . Strongly considering going no contact. I’ve tried setting boundaries, telling them how their behavior may be hurtful etc. I only ended up getting a silent treatment. Every single time.
Its exhausting! No contact is the only way to save your own sanity
Yes, going no contact will be the best step you can take for your own well-being. They will try to reel you back in with whatever manipulation they think will work, but remain strong and DON’T give in!!
So true! And once you try to call out how unfair they are being....silent treatment. It's silence with a view of punishing you for not conforming to their narrative.
43 as well. Had moved away around 20 but kept visiting as there were little siblings in the house. 20 years later the little ones have become as toxic as the older ones and have all turned into a vicious gang, insults, emotional and mental abuse and even threats of violence. I did my duty as my heart commanded and cared for them when they were innocent. Not any more though. I fled the country since a few months. I think I would've died if not, the stress and pain became excruciating, it is inhumane to submit anyone to this, even a complete stranger, much less a member of family.
Funny how you realize "something's not right" as a child. As an adult you have the aha moment. Thank you.
I feel you, it's really amoral what they do, it's criminal in nature
I never really thought that something was wrong as a child because it was all I knew so I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I stayed at other friend's houses and notice that their family didn't scream at each other constantly and nobody was beating on them all the time. But honestly I was so brainwashed I didn't really start figuring it out until I was well into adulthood. My mother was so narcissistic manipulative abusive and controlling that I couldn't think for myself until I was in my forties. I broke free from her shortly before my 40th birthday and it's taking me this long just to get to this point 9 years later. I've always felt like I'm behind everybody else
@@juliedewyer1366 Do not measure YOUR own awareness with anyone else!
Each person makes changes as they are able to process the complexities of their own given situation. DO NOT EVER put a time frame on your personal, spiritual or physical growth. Just relax and let it unfold naturally to YOUR own abilities of comprehension, reasoning and understanding.
We are ALL flawed...but fabulous!!!
@@juliedewyer1366 No Julie not at all. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am in my 50s and just discovering what narcissism is (I always thought it was just vanity). Be good to yourself and give yourself the chance to think for yourself for once. It is regrettable the cards we were dealt, but I try to remind myself that in the last half of my life that “There’s still time for a happy childhood “, and that can mean just feeling at peace ☮️ because you really deserve it 🧡🧡
@@cathy9485 Thank you! Love and hugs to you as well.😊
I was just a small child when I realised there was nothing about my parents that I admired or respected. That is why I was scapegoated, particularly by my mother. I chose very early on not to be like them or accept their view of me, and that is what saved me.
I never fit in, and always thought how uptight my parents were. They were so obsessed with perfection, with skinniness. Even when I was little, I was a little truth teller that didn't admire or understand their values. I thought, I can do better.
That was me also, very early on. I knew shit just wasn't right. I always made a lot of friends outside the family which only highlighted just how wrong they were.
I was pretty set in my ways of not following my family members. And got scapegoated most of my life, up until 2-3 years ago, did I finally escape most of the narcissistic people. l remember when I was a teen, my family had this “talk” about money and I pointed out the fact that my narcissistic father foolishly spends money, and everyone had pointed out that I said that because I “despised” him. And that I’m a “rebel”. (Another scapegoat event). All I did was SAY the truth. I can’t lie when i see abuse. Hahaha! Oh how only the truth unfolds SO many years later. All I did was blankly stare at them when their lights turned on. One of my sisters pointed out the fact that we ALL have issues with him because he was not the most caring. It’s unfortunate that someone else had to point that out to them. But in any case, they’ve stopped scapegoating me from “afar”. And I’ve allowed permission for me, to finally be free from them without having to feel guilt-tripped/obligated to them because they’re “your family” and you have to deal with everyone’s sh*t. THAT’S BULL. Every person needs to take responsibility for their own needs and wants. Light and love folks!
💯
I love that you say there was nothing about your parents you admired or respected!!! That resonates with me so much. I felt the same about my mother.
I was scapegoated and alienated. Mom felt threatened by my success and took credit for everything.
I was a scapegoat and I survived. I’m now a mom, a licensed social worker, and I speak and think kindly towards myself. It took many years of therapy and healing, but I did it. Don’t give up! Seek help and learn to truly love yourself. You can do it.
I’m the scapegoat who literally moved to the other side of the planet. She’s totally right about the freedom of physical distance. I now live in a place where I’m valued by my husband, friends, and co-workers. I now feel capable, worthy and free (more often than not). 😉 Sending courage and love to my fellow scapegoats. ❤️
Good for you. I did something similar and it really helps
I was afraid to move away. I was sure, one day I would end under a bridge. If I hadn't had awesome friends who have done more for my mental health than I could ever pay back, I'd be dead yet. Friends are the greatest gifts of all!
Good luck in your new life and well done ✅ it's lovely to hear that happiness can be found when you break away from evil.
Yes 😆🥰 I want to move to Hawaii 🏝 🥥
@@umchinagirard1800 We all want to move to Hawaii... :D
“Don’t let their abuse define you” Something I needed to hear
Definitely💪
Amazing how much it helps to hear it, huh
🦋♥️🙏
I am the scapegoat of my family. I am still here. I am an empathetic, emotionally supportive, loving and thriving human being. My babies are 3 and 2 and I constantly work on myself everyday. Neither them or I deserve the broken version of myself. Life is a journey, I control my destination.
Thank you Dr. Ramani
I feel so happy and honored to be among other scapegoats because I know what you’ve been through and even though I can’t accept it about myself, I can easily say you are the strongest most amazing people
🤗
I am teaching myself in my 60’s to take care of the scapegoated little girl inside of me who was shown no mercy. My mother, at 91, is still at it. Since I have grey rocked my family, my sister said to me, “Everything you are doing has changed your personality.” No, chick. I’m finally watching out for myself after my whole family joined in with my mother and abused me for years.
My experience, age, etc is the same as yours. Except that finally, at 94, my narc mother died. My first reaction: the wicked witch is dead! But it actually took a couple of years for me to stop feeling another attack from her was was hovering around the corner. Best Wishes and blessings to you!❤
I know what that's like. It's so hard when they label you the problem but they don't notice the triangulation and smear campaigns done against you. Smh. So glad you were able to be set free of that toxicity
When my N mother passed away, I asked my sister (the golden child), "If Mom treated you like she treated me, would you still miss her?" She said "no" and I said, "Good, because I don't."
@@VintageVeraAt least she was honest. Mine would probably say She treated us the same! I just "listened" to her. Aka Went along with all her lies.
@@crystalmiller4463 I understand how alone you must feel.
I am 55 years old and have recently rid myself of every toxic person in my life starting with my family. I have been the scapegoat since I was a child. Now I am free and happy but admit not many people are left in my life which is scary at times and making new friends has been so difficult I'm not even trying anymore. What I am doing is ME and it feels great!!!
I will be 50 at the end of this year (2020) and I too have had to let go of all members of my family of origin. I've spent my life finding and maintaining just a few good "extended family" friends, who really have been more like a family to me than actual relatives in my childhood. We all have our own separate lives, some of us are even married, but we seem to have the time for each other when needed. All my life I've only had a few good friends at one time, it's all I can handle.
But I said all that to say this. Having friends who are also family, or like family, is an awesome gift. The older we get, the more that we realize in the end all we have is each other.
Social groups. Hobby clubs. Churches (if you are so inclined). Work. Votech courses. Dance halls. Any reason to spend small amounts of scheduled time with others at first can later help to develop into friendships outside of the groups. Different friends for different reasons. Some personal, some social, some for other reasons. Some can't deal with difficult issues, others are willing to try.
At our age we don't need to rely so much on superficial impressions, we have half a century of life experience behind us! (Don't tell anybody, but I still think like I'm 25 sometimes! Hee-hee!)
Sometimes friends choose us. Sometimes friends need little maintenance, other times more attention is needed.
I know it's difficult to make friends. It can be a slow process. But I believe in you. I bet you are a natural born charmer. Now you must believe in yourself, and give the whole world a chance. Sometimes it's just a matter of making up your mind and taking the first step.
It's going to happen for you. I just know it. And in the meantime, be kind to yourself.
@@danielkaiser8971 Wow! I just read this and I am stunned. You said exactly the right thing at the right time. I really needed that. I'm in tears.... Thank you so much!! I am so grateful. You are a truly good person and your friends are blessed❤️
@@danielkaiser8971 Btw...if you want a new friend online you got one, lol I also know what you mean about having a few friends because that is all that you can handle. I can only handle a few as well. I just recently learned that everyone we encounter is not necessarily a potential friend. They are someone to share experiences with, to teach, to learn from and sometimes all three. Some of these people stick around for a long time and others move on so now I cherish what I get, learn from it and try to be the best me I can be and it's already paying off. ❤️💯
i’ve recently done the same thing and it does get kinda scary. best of luck!
Is the amount of people important, or the quality? 😉
"Continued to be blamed for family issues" Absolutely 💯
Recently. Drew the line, and 'walked away'. I've realized too much about myself as an adult, and have moved past it. I've got ME. I was once one who would just expect and anticipate the abuse, I'm not that way anymore. The days of people using me as an emotional punching bag are over. I had a couple of horrible relationships. Now, I can make it on my own and have learned to stand up for myself and be there for myself. I had no choice but to learn that I had me all along, I never sank like they'd hoped.
Good! Excellent!! Keep going and, be watchful, please, don't fall for their traps !!
If a scapegoat can eventually escape with their wits and rise above then these are the people who change the world.
Thankyou dear!!! I’ll take that as a huge uplifting compliment!!! 😘
I realized early , thank goodness i came out of it after someone introduce me to chanting ' Nam Myoho Renge Kyo' The people who blame others dont want to take their own responsibility. thats not our problem , thats their problem.
Yes !!
If I could only change my living situation to somewhere safe, would be enough right now
@@OffTheWagons Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
An enlightened scapegoat is an escapegoat!
Escape goat, love it!
Shoot, that would make a great tshirt or mug! Copyright that!!
Definitely a scapegoat. My older brother was the first until they needed him for money - since I didn't have any money to give them, I then became the scapegoat. Oh, they still asked for money - all the time, but I had only little to give. What upsets me the MOST is how long it took me to understand what on earth was going on. Twenty years ago, when I was attracting all this narcissistic abuse from family, to dating, to work, I had no idea what was going on and why people were so evil. It's only been in the past five years I began to understand narcissism and the traumatic effects it has on you. I'm continuing to learn to this day. The flying monkeys have me the MOST upset. People I genuinely cared about turned on me for absolutely no reason, they are just given orders by my eldest sibling, and they follow suit. It has been a painful realization, especially when you understand there is not one thing you can do about it. This stuff is real.
I'm so sorry to read about your situation. Never give money to users and find yourself friends who are both intellectually able to think for themselves (not borrowing their brain from your eldest sibling) and kind and empathic enough to be worthy of befriending. I know it's hard, because I've been there.
😅
I was a scapegoat, key word “was.” I went no contact to protect my wife, kids, and myself. Best thing I ever did. These family members do have short memories. My sister was the golden child and has become a malignant narcissist. She still does things to this day for attention and they are all negative. This has opened a lot of dialogue with my wife. I have two great kids and I work in a recovery program. Living in the light. Life with joy is possible without these people. They came to me demanding access to my kids, who both told them to “get bent.”
As what should be said to those losers
This seriously pushes one to think about suicide, often. It seems like you are all alone and you are so hopeless that death seems like the only option.
Let’s not ever give them that satisfaction 🙏🏽
My narc father had me suicidal by the age of 4. At the time I didn’t understand that I was suicidal so young. I used to bang my head against walls and floors because I was told if you hit your head hard enough you’d die. So that’s what I was trying to do. In third grade I climbed out the window and tried to jump off the roof. My father just laughed at me. Narcissists shouldnt be allowed to breed and if they do they should NEVER be allowed to see their children. They’ll only damage them.
@@hailey8941 Sending you love
I've dreamed of it many many times.
@@hailey8941 My narc mother was also schizophrenic. Besides the emotional abuse she was also physically abusive as well. I was fortunate to have an amazing Dad but at first he didn't know what she was doing when he was gone at work.
She would goad me into fighting with her and push every button and provoke me until I exploded. Then she felt justified to hit me with something or slap me or grab me by the hair. I'd end up in utter emotional turmoil, crying and screaming at her, I'd fight back verbally. Then she had me, because "good children don't talk to their mother that way" and she'd threaten to tell my Dad... I believed I was bad and so I thought I'd be telling on myself if I told my Dad what was going on, and then I worried he might stop loving me... It wasn't until I was about 9 that I started realizing that mothers weren't supposed to treat their kids that way and then Dad was starting to figure things out and asking me questions.
He started noticing signs and by now he knew she had schizophrenia and he put two and two together and began asking me questions when I was about 8 or 9.... He tried to protect me as best he could, he let me know that what she was doing was wrong and that I didn't deserve it... he tried to coach me to walk away when she tried to pick fights (and them tell him when he got home) but it was so hard to do, she was a master at pushing buttons. I had to stand up for myself. I think that's why she chose me as the scapegoat.
But I first thought about suicide at an early age too, I know it was before I could read or write because I had no way of telling Dad that it wasn't his fault and that he was a good Dad. I had been taught the dangers of plastic bags and how you could suffocate and my mother had some of her dry cleaning hanging in the back of my closet in my bedroom... so one day I decided I'd sit in the back of the closet in front of the dry cleaning plastic. My plan was to fall asleep and fall face forward into the plastic and suffocate. I was having a hard time falling asleep and instead thought about how my Dad would feel if I succeeded. I knew it would hurt him a lot and I didn't want him to think it was his fault so I decided not to do it...
There were a couple other times I thought about when I was a little older but my Dad died when I was 15 from a fall from a ladder and came very close to taking my life with pills a year or so after that. At that time, my Catholic upbringing taught that if you took your own life you went to hell. I wanted to see my Dad again so that's the only thing that stopped me.
I am my family's scapegoat. I'm 56 years old and I finally walked away from all of them. I changed my phone number as well, blocked them all on Facebook. I actually felt a big relief off my shoulders. Eventually I will feel much better, it's a slow process. Grieving, being angry, and finally relief. I feel happier now , knowing they can never hurt me, belittle me or use me as an excuse for all their issues. These videos also helped me tremendously because I know I'm not alone. Thank you 🙏
Good for you Paige!! It's easier said than done. We are close in age, you and I, and I feel stuck because my children have relationships with the N parent and the enabler parent. I also worry about the enabler parent because the N subtly abuses them ( knowingly feeding them food that's bad for them, verbal abuse, constant irritation)
Anyway - the point is - you DID IT!!! Congrats. There really is grief in there with the relief....take care!
THANK YOU...♡ You give me the Hope I need just now. THANK YOU ♡♡♡
@@annalouisekristensen2464 me too she is so optimistic about her future.
I'm so happy for you. I almost made it out. Got out for a year but financial reasons, put me right back into the brutal environment. I know that if I get out again, I will NEVER look back. I didn't miss the family one bit when i went no contact last year. I'm being emotionally pummeled for that one now. It's a nightmare. I hope i can get to the point where you are. thank you for sharing your experience.
Must feel great, I left FB to get away from my fam narcissist, it has felt so good not walking on eggshells.
Thanks for posting this Dr. Ramani, your videos are always so helpful. I was scapegoated for 59 years. I always knew I was the black sheep of the family and used to laugh about a lot of the hurtful things they did, which I now see was a coping mechanism. Then last year I was diagnosed with cancer and every single member of my family turned their back on me. I was blamed for causing trouble as usual. My golden child sister was extra nasty for 8 months and even my siblings partners joined in the fun! My lovely lovely mother, who had ignored sexual abuse and violence from my elder brother, supported my younger brothers narc wife when she stopped me seeing my nieces and nephews ever again, and informed me I was a bad daughter. WTF? Slowly, peeling back the years of abuse I discovered I had been raised in a vipers nest. I went spinning helplessly to a deep dark place for around 15 months and eventually got help through counselling. Gradually I uncovered the ugly truth about narcs, and the scapegoated child, then went into complete shock. Eventually though I began to realise the many many advantages of not having anything to do with narcs pathetic poison any more. Fortunately, I escaped a lot of the issues connected with scapegoated children, not sure how, listening to my feelings closely I think, although I have noticed some sticky traits that still act as severe triggers, but they too will go eventually if I keep working at it.. I am definitely the one in control now, and have clambered out of the hell of Pandoras box to go elsewhere and let them just get on with it. I have no interest. I have rejected my family - they are not good enough - 20 days no contact now and counting woooo hooooo! I feel stronger every day, although I am sure there is a smear campaign and that they are convinced THEY are grey rocking ME! Hilarious, but who cares?. I am now so free and can at last shuffle off the 'me' they said I was. It's a great feeling. It's been a tortuous journey but I too am glad I unveiled the truth. It felt like I had died at one point but actually I was reborn, this time with my partner and people that love me surrounding me. At last I have people in my life worth giving my energy to. If your'e in the early stages, acknowledge the hurt, get rid of the flashbacks and head towards the light, it will be worth it.
I'm so sorry 😔. I'm praying for you. Those that abused you, the ones that said that they "loved" you will have to face God one day. Many blessings to you 😊👍 ❣️ You got this!!!!
Stay strong and stay away, and may you succeed !
Hundreds of times & hundreds of times there after our families SPECIAL NEEDS being our death from them
Failed . Super Nova event pending.
Yep, I was scapegoated and was the sacrificial lamb.
The wisest thing to do is no contact, now and forever.
They will not change. Nor acknowledge the wrongs they have done.
I was the scapegoat for many, many years. When I became a preteen I started going straight into my bedroom and only coming out to eat and bathe. My mom didn’t like my personality, my looks, my school abilities etc. I finally found my worth when I got away from the negative words. I raised two children and helped cultivate their own talents and interests.
Lovely ❤️🏆
I stayed in my room all the time too. I felt it was my safe place and if I stayed put I wouldn't be blamed for things I didn't say or do. I think it worked most of the time, but once when I was 11 my dad came to my room and asked who left the bicycle pump outside and before I could even say I don't know he hauled off and hit me. My mom walked up behind him and told him she did and he acted like he was going to hit her.I never got an apology. Another time when I was a teenager my mom came to my room and wanted to know who messed up the throw rug in the hallway and I said I didn't know and she too hauled off and hit me. I have OCD and now I know why,but looking back on it now, I wonder why they were making such a big deal out of such trival things.Even if I'd of done those two things I should not of gotton in trouble for them. Those were just two incidences but there were more. When I was four my mom was in a wheel chair. She was sitting on the couch at the time and I asked her if I could ride the chair down the hall and she said yes and so I rode it down the hall and my dad came out of the bathroom and hit me across the face and bloodied my nose.My mom told him she told me I could ride in it,but he never apologized. I also remember being accused of something I was suppose to of done but don't remember what it was, and I was like 4 then. I went to my room and told my stuffed animals all about it here they could hear.Then my dad took all my stuffed animals away and took them outside to the burnbarrel and burned them up in front of me. Looking back on that I now know that was his way to try to condition and program me to keep my mouth shut about what goes on behind closed doors. These are just a few of the things that happened to me growing up, but there was much much more and much worse. I'm really getting angry as I tell this. I've been no contact for 10 years with both parents. I'm 57 years old and the abuse continued while I was an adult. I finally grew up when I no longer felt the need to prove I was telling the truth about things I was accused of saying and doing,or to prove myself in general to them,or to defend myself in any other way. The last years I did talk to them they were always accusing me of being out to get them when they would of never thought I was out to get them had they not abused me my whole life so that's their problem they think what they do,not mine. I'm 57 and they are in their seventies if they are even still alive.
@@debbieraymer7925 I have many stories like this. We were so broken. The best we could do was get away from this and raise our kids and do better by them!
@Aimee Thank you. Yes I'm much happier. Extremely happy actually because my husband and I have had a really bad case of covid and a couple of times we weren't so sure we was going to make it, but just kept praying and believing we were going to make it and we feel so much better now. I was like I can't die cause I've spent my whole life being abused and being depressed and I have missed out on so much good stuff and have so much unfinished business to take care of. So I am extremely happy and grateful that we made it and have so many good things to look forward too. It just feels like a miracle that we made it, cause we were pretty bad sick.
I realized early , thank goodness i came out of it after someone introduce me to chanting ' Nam Myoho Renge Kyo' The people who blame others dont want to take their own responsibility. thats not our problem , thats their problem.
"You're the problem!" - my dad yelling at me when I'm 9 years old.
Yeah right, dude.
Oh, your dad sounds just like my mom. I remember her yelling at four year old me (one of many times) while calling me a little shit and a spoiled brat . . . but in her mind she's a woooonderful mother . . . righttttt . . . it's funny how they are so similar
Jerk!
@@JoJo-ju7xw sounds like we had the same mom "You ungrateful little shit!!" 😉
@@joseenoel8093 You know his name!
777 sad for that child 😔 sending you ❤️
Almost 59 years and am just getting to understand that I was always in this role . I thought it was my brother and I am sure that he was as well, but a clear understanding that I was blamed just for existing. Difficult to manage self esteem when this part is still leading the way.
I was a scapegoat in my family. I wasnt the only one. It rotated around. But due to being the second youngest and have my identity broken done by horrific abuse i was the most scapegoated. I was targeted so badly that it dehumanized me. I can remember waking up in a panic as a child because i had to figure out how a child of my age should behave. Over and over again. I had to create a operating system of sorts to allow me to survive the day(part of my DID). It worked well for my family as i was obedient. Not just out of fear of punishment but also out of inhumane conditioning. But thankfully, no matter how badly they broke me down i retained a fragment of self that i clung to. For a while it was just a place in my mind. I kept coming back. Kept trying to heal. I did spend 55 years in torment and suffering due to what they did. But i did realize what they did. I got trauma therapy. Its been about 4 years of therapy. Im still learning about what was done to me but with each new understanding i break away from their influence.
Growing up my whole life was a lie. My true identity was stolen misplaced by being a scapegoat...I’m still trying to relearn who I really am.😮
Same❤️
has it worked? because I am still trying to not be ashamed to just be me.
So true... I wasn't supported as a worthy individual. I was EXPECTED to be XYZ... I wasn't allowed to dream about the future that I wanted for myself... Like happy kids are. To express myself. I was corrected all the time. Wasn't allowed to be angry, that was very scary. I would be told then, no one will want to live with me and that I am a witch.
I felt like my mother's servant. Listening to what she has to say or rant about.
And reminded constantly how I am doing XYZ wrong, how if only I were better, healthier, wanted less, she wouldn't have so angry with me all the time... Even though she barely spent quality time with me. I was usually left alone at home with grandmother or other kids to play with.
I was too much for her, even though I was the meekest child & a teen...
It's sad to think about how I was so unhappy 90% of the time. And it wrecked my health physically... This is the worst of all. Because I have lost my independence.
Now I NEED to stay with my mother again. What I had tried to escape, still caught up to me... I hope the Universe 🌌 sends me a solution 🙏🏼🌠
Same here.... That's exactly what happened to me. I'm in my 40s and still rebuilding. 💕
They always try to turn you into mini-thems, or mini-who-they-wanted-themselves-to-be.
I have been the scapegoat in my family dynamic. I couldn’t understand growing up why I was always ‘different’ then the rest of my family. I was always teased and wasn’t allowed to voice my opinion or show emotion after being yelled at. I left my family about 10 years ago and moved across the country and minimised contact with them but even now every time I see them (which is maybe once a year), I still ‘cause’ some type of family meltdown trauma and they are all left blaming me for something stupid and petty. Thank god I found my husband who is my number one support, his family has given me the family dynamic i never had. I do struggle with anxiety especially in stressful situations/ conversations but I am seeking help and therapy. I am not my parents. Your channel has really helped me remove myself from my parents BS. Thank you
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I thank my husband regularly for moving me 1200 miles away from the mess.
I can say, I was a golden child turned into a scapegoat right from beginning of the teen years (in my late 20s now).🤦 Scapegoats become self-sufficient to a fault. 🤹 I learnt it the hard way after having been in back-to-back invalidating relationships. 😠 Finding love had become a herculean task. 😩 Learnt the hard lesson after dating a covert narcissist. 🙍Thank goodness it happened. 💁Wouldn't have seen myself more clearly, else. 🔎 I feel that scapegoats only lack one thing and that is "approval". 💯 The moment they get that from their inner selves, the need for getting it from the outside starts to diminish. 👸 The day we enter any mental-health empowering programs, that's the 1st step in the whole success-scenario. 🤗 The time narcissist means or says, "we are not enough" is true, since we are not enough for them, nor can be anybody not providing the narcissistic supply to these blood-sucking mosquitoes. 😂
We are enough, have always been so, and are meant to achieve whatever we deserve (all the health, wealth and wisdom in the universe). 💪🏽 💜
Wow! This is super encouraging. This gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.
Good for you to climb out, Lucy!! I was also in your position and just at age 50 have I realized how I’ve unconsciously perpetuated the role of scapegoat that my mother foisted upon me all my life. The sensitive, perceptive “black sheep” who doesn’t subscribe to the narcissist’s self-perceptions is always the one who sees the horrible dynamic and then gets emotionally abused because of it in terms of verbal abuse, turning everyone against you, gaslighting, and blame-shifting. Like you, I’m thankful to have a husband who sees the horrible and abusive dynamic for what it is and stands with me. For my adult sons, it is more complicated because they experienced my parents as wonderful grandparents so I tell them I want them to have whatever relationship with my parents that they want, but it’s super difficult because my parents speak poison into my sons’ minds which grieves me 😭😭.
Your story sounds just exactly like mines as well.
This was so good to watch. We had lots of children and I was the oldest. I was my dad’s punching bag because I stood up to him but when I left home at 16 and moved across the country to get away, my siblings were stuck in the family system and I lost touch with everyone. I had no skills in the world and few in life but being away gave me a chance to think for myself. It is many years later and I only learned about narcissism when I moved in with one in my 50s, but I am so grateful to finally understand my crazy/sad/beautiful family. I loved them all so much but had to get away to save myself. I am really the only healing person in my family, too, so I watch them with love and distance because they see me as a trouble maker and full of psychobabble. My narc dad is now on a pedestal. It’s all been painted pretty.
I can very much relate as an oldest child with a narcissistic father. I’m glad you are doing well!
Don't sell yourself short
Pretty picture don't guarantee pretty or at least proper content
And, maybe, you find yourself a hobby, maybe hobby that demand creativity, or something else to enlighten your days and make your days happier
Good luck.!
Someone 63 years old ❤️😎💖
Family mobbing. . Wow!! There's a name for it 🤯 I love this woman! She's helping me so much!!
One of the problems with therapy, I find, is in hyper aware of my therapists wants/needs so I will accommodate them to my detriment and then not trust them because they "needed" from me and, therefore, I can not trust them because if they are in a position of power over me (knowing my secrets) and need from me then they WILL abuse me.
I've tried over the last few decades to move past this but I've never been able to.
The differed here is I'm SEEN without the risk of being seen and I can replay the words as much as I need to so I can really hear.
I'm so grateful for this content ❤🙏💝
Scapegoat here- unfortunately it continued into adulthood and my other relationships. But once you take a step back, see it for what it is , and take your POWER back, you are met with a whole new world. Stay strong everyone!💕✨
This is me! I feel you.
So true!! Take back the power!!!
My daughter and I just finished WandaVision. It's a fascinating show, if you are familiar with the Marvel universe (and yes, she had to explain a lot of things to me). But at the end, I realized that the message I took from it was that I had let others take my power from me, and I had the ability to take it back. So, I have.
The only way to ever get my power back is to not have ANY relationship. I can’t seem to break this cycle, the only people I attract are mean people .
Thank you
I still am a scapegoat at 63 years old. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
😔💯♥️
That’s simply put. I’m sad for you and feel the same way. I do so much for my family and i feel pathetic because it doesn’t seem to mean anything.
I've always been the scapegoat, and still am. I just went through a major loss in my family and over the course of a week was subtly told I'm short, overweight, controlling, and only look good for my age because I got Botox. This is just carry over from years of emotional abuse (my whole life). I didn't even acknowledge the comments and was gracious and caring to my grieving family, as that's how I decided I would carry myself a very long time ago.
I have done a lot to heal my emotional wounds and trauma but I have been TRIGGERED to no end by this. I chose to take the high ground and will continue to do so, because I know that my conscience is clean at the end of the day. But I will say this much... I won't be putting out anyone else's fires anymore.
I was the golden child until I turned 8- my dad realized I saw through his act and I began calling him out because I knew what he was doing was wrong. Then, there was a switch. I was no longer the golden child, I was the scapegoat. My younger sister was the invisible child in the middle of all this chaos. I'm planning to go no contact with my dad once I turn 18.
I’m currently dealing with this now, my narcissistic golden child sis, discarded me after I caused narc injury with TRUTH. Dad mom and sis are hoovering hard right now thinking I’ll come back. Little do they know I walked away for good this time and I couldn’t be happier for making such a decision. Time to move on and thrive! Scapegoats unite! THEY FEAR US!! To anyone else dealing with this, my heart goes out to you, you are not alone. Recognize your power and take it back!
Psalm 26:12
"My foot is standing on level ground; in the great congregation of Jehovah."
@Kevin Howard
How's everything going today?
Couldn't of said it better. Take the power back, they never valued you anyway, time for them to re co figure thier chess board !!!
I have always been the scapegoat in my family. A few years ago when I threw my narcissistic cheating husband out of the house after catching him cheating on me for the umpteenth time and my mother promptly turned around and moved him into her house until she bought the house right next door to hers for HIM!!! They then proceeded to promote their smear campaign against me and turned the rest of my family against me... At this point I wouldn't be surprised if she took me out of her will and put my exhusbands name in instead just as a f-you from the grave when she dies!! My mother told me decades ago that when I was born I ruined her life.... She has always hated me because I stand for the TRUTH. That's why my exhusband hates me too.... It all came together for me years ago when I realized first that my ex is a narcissist then second it sunk in that my mother is a narcissist too!! I always knew while growing up that I never wanted to end up with someone like my mother.... Yet somehow that is exactly what I did!! That pretty much means that my life.... These first 51 years of it has been total s&€@! Scapegoated and gaslighted every step of the way. What do I do now?
@@julierichmond4975 You walk away, no notice and you never look back. And you will be disinherited so don’t for a second stay holding out for something that you will never receive.
It took me a long time to realize that I was the black sheep / scapegoat of the family. I remember an incident at someone's birthday party, where the entire FOO (Family of Origin) was there. My mother, the narcissist, had a habit of asking a question then literally 1 second later, commenting "Well, fine; don't tell me, then," as though the person refused to answer her. So I was there, and my mother pulled that stunt on me for the umpteenth time, so out of frustration, I said, "If you would shut up and let me answer, I could tell you."
THAT started an entire family pile-on, with Golden Child brother and enmeshed sister telling me how disrespectful I was to my mother and that I should apologize (and of course she went to another room to 'go cry'), and basically what a horrible, rotten human being I was. My elder brother, who I think had some of the same clarity I had, stayed out of it.
At this point, I was in my mid-to-late-30s, and my awakening had begun. So I went to "apologize" to my mother, alone in some bedroom, by telling her that she may have everyone else fooled, but that I see right through her. I think I must have shocked her, because she didn't respond.
The best book I ever read was "Will I ever be good enough?" about daughters of narcissistic mothers. It gave me the final pieces of the puzzle of my life, wondering why I couldn't be happy, why it was impossible to find platonic and romantic relationships that were not abusive, and provided me with Step One of my healing journey.
It's lifelong, I still have setbacks, and it is still a kneejerk reaction to tell myself that I have no worth...but I wouldn't want to go back to not knowing, and just wandering through a dark and scary wilderness in my mind. I can't say I'm always in a proverbial open meadow now, but the one thing I was able to do, was Stop the Cycle of Abuse with my own children. That is my victory.
This is happening to me with my narcissistic/sadistic sister. I’m 36 and pregnant and she physically attacked me inside the car and my other sister is taking her side bc I was raising my voice. Unreal! I totally feel your exact story is my story. My sister bullied me my whole life and bc she’s 5 years younger she was always defended and I was shamed bc “I should know better”. She’s no longer a child but still thinks it’s ok to out her hands on people indiscriminately.
I love your Victory! , the fact you stopped this vicious circle. Congratulations!❤
I’m proud of you! Thank you for sharing and for book indication ❤️🙏
Yes love your victory to I get also resonate so much but healing is absolutely possible lots of love you champion
Your elder brother had a Golden opportunity to rise to the occasion and say something. I called out my middle brother on that once: he alone was in a great position to say something, and didn't. People who BAIL or don't get involved are no longer part of my life.
Convinently made the Scapegoat - all of us here have endured so much - we are strong - I love you all
At my Dad's funeral I didn't cry. I just stayed stone faced. Will be the same for my mum.
I was a golden child and scapegoated, parentified, emotional incest. Eating disorder. A big family. I got out. I am alone, figuring it out. The family has made up a false image of me; that reinforces the false image of them. I can hear the voices, "you're so sensitive" "she's the emotional one". Humiliating. I take responsibility for myself by walking away quietly, alone.
exactly...same here
Oh my yes and without meeting you i know how strong you are..i had a large family too who did the same shit and played the same card of so senstive (9 of us kids😳)...i just turned 40 and took me the last 20 years of toxic marriage, and friendships to finally walk away from all of it.
@@plutooliver686 My story is so similar. Large family, toxic marriage and 'friends' therapy etc. I have so much trouble letting anybody in now though, I just can't seem to do it.
Beautiful Souls; so much compassion here. And, I feel more connected to this community, and Dr. Ramani than most anyone. Keep going, Shine, with Love;-)
How horrible. TRUST YOURSELF, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. Validate yourself, be your own sibling, mother, father, whatever. Keep going.
The scapegoat, being the blame for everything by everyone. So much worse when you get blamed when the actual guilty party carries out the action infront of others but you still get blamed. Why is it neverending?
Because - Every one has been scapegoated at some time in their life. Everyone has used another as a scapegoat at sometime in their life. I could give countless examples in my own relationships, personal and professional that could classify as this. It's a circle - just like everything in this life is.
No it's not a circle...if you have been scapegoated you know the pain and deviation it causes and if you are strong and conscious enough you can and must be determined not to do that to another human being
Right. I think the others (the enablers) want it to be you because they don't want it to be them. My mother took out a lot of her rage about her husband on me, he would privately (never in front of her because he didn't want her to think he knew she was acting crazy) tell me to just accept it because "she's stressed" but really he didn't want it directed at him. Coward.
I know, right. The other day my aunt called to tell me my cousin is angry at me for something that happened 18 years ago. I, too, have limited contact with my family.
Bunch of low lives creating drama prefering to hurt those who love them so they can keep orchestrating the scenes. I'm the golden child gone copper onto being the scapegoat, if I don't visit covert I know none of the trio kids won't, oh well, I'll take this outdoor view as opposed to the one covert mom is having in detox on the 9th floor, blessings on, guilt belongs to them, I'm done, thank you Dr. Ramani!
My birthday was Sunday. I am 33. The family scapegoat. I made it out once when I was 15. It was beautiful. 9 years later I was unfortunately both pushed and pulled back into the grips of my family. However I never knew any of the terms, or that I'm not the only one. I grew up so isolated that I was ignorant to narcissistic family dynamics. I've only just this year started to research as an attempt to save my life. In doing so found only but a little relief in knowing that I'm nit crazy but just as much confusion at why and nothing soothes the anguish of always knowing there's is nothing I can do to change it. But mostly want to say that I desperately need help. I'm afraid I am not going to make it out this time. I'm tired and so depressed that it's hard to move sometimes and I'll just sit still for hours and hours in my dis belief.
You have one life. It doesn't last forever. There are many different phases all of which will pass. What might seem insurmountable now will be a distant memory one day. Remove yourself from the dead weight, dead end and damage that is your family set up. Don't seek your self esteem there. You have legs. Walk into the adventure that is the rest of your life, open your mind to the myriad possibilities that it offers. Pick a dream, however seemingly outlandish, and pursue it. Barring tragedy you'll be glad you did. As you progress your mental parameters will adjust according to the growing evidence of your experience. There'll be tough times, that's part of the tapestry, push through to the sunshine. Best wishes.
The shock of understanding how horrible a family you've been born into is absolutely, mind-numbingly shattering. I went through that "in shock/dormant" state as well. What I had to do was pick really small goals that lined up with a bigger goal of getting far away from Them, and knock them out one at a time, however slowly. Sometimes that meant just getting through the day (or the next hour) without killing myself. But that IS a normal phase for someone who's experienced what you did. Also I was sucked back in at least three times -- it's not the end, each time you learn something important and better understand the need to simply stay away instead of trying to cling to little fragments of the illusion of the family you thought you had.
Friends are family that you can choose. I've slowly found mine, despite the FOO's best efforts to tear them away (which almost worked -- beware!). Your real family is out there somewhere. Hang on, move toward getting out however slowly, and you will find your people, one by one.
If you are still in that dynamic, then put on your shoes, get a backpack, get your clothes and things you need, and walk away. Do not stay, even if it means camping. If you have a car, then drive away. Get as far as you can, find a job, get money, and then drive farther, and keep doing this, until you find the place you want to stop.
I was scapegoated too. I just tried spending Thanksgiving away from my family and they roped me right back in. We're just at the beginning of working out how unfair my parents wills will be. Trying to figure out leaving vs staying but just seeing them a lot less! And not telling anything to any family member about the good things in my life. I finally understand that I don't trust anybody because growing up, there wasn't anybody I could trust.
I so get the not telling my family the good things. I thought they were like me. I was always so proud and so happy for them when things went well. At 55 I finally understand the feeling is not mutual.
I was the "family" scapegoat and went no contact a little more than 20 years ago now. Haven't looked back.
YAAAAAAAAAY ! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 God Bless . 🙏
I need to do that but still talk to my dad
Love the " " on "family"
Until I was 20 years old, I was convinced that I was responsible for all the suffering of my narcissistic mother.
it still takes so much courage for me to publicly share a comment. But I'm on my way to get my voice back. thank you dr. Ramani❤️
I really wanted to post a comment but I always get a feeling of embarrassment. After reading your comment, I felt comfortable to reply to yours. I hope you are well and I hope your courage grows in your journey. In a way, we are in this journey together.
ur lucky u were 20 i was 27 when i walked away from my brother and 29 when i walked away from me mum she is such a vile person i dont love her if she died tomro i would be quite sad but thats because my dream is for my sister who is becoming her scapegoat now i am gone to walk and my brother to be so fucked from drugs he is unable to look after her that she ends up alone in a care home her worst nightmare i wish her to go in in her 70s (young face but brittle body for her age ) and stay there way in to her 90s or beoned
NEVER BE EMBARRASSED OF HOW YOU FEEL!! Be brave and ask God for Jesus help. Pray, read your Bible.. Jesus will give you strength like you have never had before !!! That’s how you fight them !! By making yourself STRONG. Jesus is the reason for my STRENGTH!! And they FLEE FROM ME !! Yes ♥️
Your not alone and exact same for me❤️
I understand that. Anytime I hear about something bad happening, my first response is "why did I do that!?".
Holocaust, poisoned flavoraid, dog abuse, missing children, bombings in Iran, feels like all these and more are my fault. Every police siren feels like all the sins of humanity are catching up with me, and I'll finally be taken away for it.
It's rough. But you've got this! None of it is your fault!
Yes! There it is! The answer to my question was: the scapegoated child goes on to attract and sustain scapegoating relationships. Thank you for the awareness ❤
This one is definitely true. I'm the reason my mom peed in the floor when I was 8. I am the reason we had to move away from supportive family members when I was 12. I was the reason my brother didn't do his chores. I'm the reason, I broke up the family when I ran away at 17.
As an adult I'm still the reason for whatever is wrong in the family. My brother has laughed about it and actually admitted that it serves his purpose for inheritance. If nobody talks, he can say whatever he wants and does. He has admitted to believing Machiavellian tactics and believes it's for the "greater good".
Sometimes I feel like Joe Dirt. The best and worst part of it is not believing you are entitled to anything. You really don't expect people to do what is right. You are surprised and grateful when they do, but you don't hang your hat on it.
I was scapegoated by a cop dad who molested me as a child, a mother who covered it up, a grandmother who said it was all my fault, and an extended family that said they think I finally told people at 42 years old just so I could get attention. This video definitely resonates with me and makes me feel good, along with my therapist, about the boundaries I'm setting that are scary to me.
God give you strength ❤
My husband scapegoated me
God Bless you . I wasn't believed either and those who did believe acted as though I deserved it . I BELIEVE YOU . I HEAR YOU . I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOU ! ❤
That lot sound like the pits. You, on the other hand, come across as a phenomenal woman! Go you! 💪💕
That's horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't get why people think others are only looking for attention when they find the courage to speak out against what has happened to them.
Been there. It’s a horrific place to be trapped in, to live as the default punching bag not only for the immediate family, but the extended one too. This family condoned abuse is so devastatingly harmful. When I finally went No Contact with my immediate family, the rest started showing uncharacteristic interest in my life, only to collect data to pass on to them. Thankfully, I realised what was going on and blocked all of them as well.
👏👏👏
Good for you 💪
I had to do pretty much the same. My mother’s sister is more of a pervert one. She got to the point that after doing her smearing campaign against me (I denounced the fact that my mother was heavily drinking and she needed a psy), she contacted people who were completely estranged in order to phone me up and ask questions. When I realised she was behind I had to block these people as well. Narcs influence so many people that you are left with the doubt that it’s you to be the problem. When I was just trying to say that my mother is a alcool addicted (it’s ALL my life I try to ask for help), but they had to keep the image of “perfection”, the false self, the projections of what they want to convince other people they are. When they feel that that image is threatened they start a war against the person who threatened it through smearing campaign. They said that my husband cheats on me to every single person they know. They said that I am insane. That I am depressed. Etc etc. In the meantime my mother keeps on getting drunk almost everyday and my sisters and my father watche it happen and stay silent. They agree with me that there’s the problem but they enable it with their silence.
It’s frustrating but I used to have only hatred once, now I feel pity for them. And still... a bit of hatred.. I can’t help it
You have great strength!
@@avalancherose My half sisters were damaged as children. I learned about it while I was still quite young and I've been tolerant of their foibles as a consequence. I cut them out of my life, after my dad died, but that didn't stop their twisted resentment of me. They have done exactly what you are talking about. They are now insinuating themselves on my dad's side of the family. They were nasty about my dad's family until it was useful to them to suddenly proclaim how nice my dad's family is. They never had a nice thing to say about them and they took particular interest in having me witness their cruel jokes. So I have now lost everybody. All my roots are sliced off. The half sisters have infiltrated every area I could maintain some connection with any of my family. And then they try to track me down anywhere I have a social media presence. They always wanted to see the worst in people. It was always 'us and them'. You couldn't disagree with their vicious opinions without consequences. I hate them, now. And I'm glad I hate them even if it means I have to keep running all my life. Even if it means I can only allow myself to be unguarded with a very small number of people.
It always switched between my sister and me. One day my sister was the scapegoat, another day I was the scapegoat. No matter what, one of us was always to blame about how bad the world was.
I was the child who got all the rage and shame of the family. My definition of love was pleasing other people. After being in a toxic relationship, I realized something. It was the same abuse as my own family. It was so painful to accept that truth. I chose a partner who was emotionally unavailable and even cheated on me. I am really grateful to my friends and my Art of Living family. I joined meditation 🧘♀️ classes and it took me years to completely understand what was happening to me. But finally my mind and my body are in harmony and I met the love of my life and got married. Now I can see the difference between a toxic relationship and a healthy relationship. At first I couldn't believe that life has given me a second chance to be happy and laugh. But now I believe that road to healing is a long and messy but the result is beautiful. Love to all the survivors... 😊😊
Really happy for you!!❤
I was 10 when i was in court due to my Mother physically abusing me as a child. And all my older siblings said its Nathan who is the problem in the house.... I realize now that they are so evil 👿. How can a 10 year old ruin a family household????
Gosh that just triggered me, what you said. When I told the police of the abuse that was going on, they took statements from my family and they told me my brother (Golden Child) said I was the trouble maker in the family too. So that anything I told the police was seen as not credible. I was perceived as the problem. The officer handling my case frustrated me alot more. She stated what was said and then proceeded to tell me my family was helping me and I should return home. She told me in a sarcastic tone that she believed they wouldn't hurt me. Even though they kicked me out to gain control then wanted me back but I refused to go back due to the abuse I endured... I felt so helpless, lost and also betrayed by the system.
@@ha8236 I am so saddened by your words and experience. I'm sorry. I understand, to a lower degree, what you went through and I hope you are ok now. All the best to you.
I am sorry. I understand. I had 2 black eyes and bruises, a busted toe, when I reported being beaten up by my enabler parent at the instigation of my N parent to a high school counselor,
I was told "that's just how Filipino families are"....I looked at her with in comprehension. "My father is Irish," I said. She said, "Still." She told me I shouldn't hurt my family over a single incident. She didn't know whether it was one or not. She was an older woman of color counselor - I was shocked at her willingness to let it go. I didn't know what to do. This was in the 1980s.
I'm not going to lie - when I heard she passed away, I said "good riddance". Who else did she fail to protect???
@@jspaingreene6350 thank you for your kind words, I am sorry to hear what happened to you too. It horrid when people enable behaviour that is abusive. It really does make you feel as if you are the issue and the world is against you.
@@ha8236 - Wow, what a nightmare! You are not alone.
“Don’t let their abuse define you”. - Gold….❤️
Too late sadly
scapegoating is real may we all find strengths to heal from it
I'm 63, the scapegoat of 5 narcissistic siblings and a parent... I have walked away... moved 7 hours away, thanks to all I've learned here.
It's unbelievable
Made the decision when I was10 years old that I needed to work hard so that when I was old enough(18) that I would leave and never look back or ever ask those people for anything. I went away to college but never went back for breaks or holidays. Even when I was broke and in need I never reached out. They claim to have no idea why "I" have abandon them. Telling them why would make no difference, silence seems more effective.
You're smart!
Silence is the best because often (I think) people don't understand because either they haven't seen it or they aren't as strong to be able to make the same decisions you have. Good for you. You should be very proud of yourself and how you have taken care of yourself. Remember.....success is the best revenge!
You did your part showing them how people are supposed to act. It is their " free will" to make corrections or reject the prompting of their conscience. Congrats an being an awesome person. I salute you!
How brave you are!
Smart young girl at 10 years of age to figure out your escape plan in 8 years.
Bravo to you.
Congratulations and never look back or go back.
My husbands family was so dismissive to him, and when he went no contact, they seemed to desperately need him back. Even though they clearly did not like anything about him and had no genuine relationship to him. It dawned on me that they NEED the scapegoat to transfer and abuse and that’s the only reason they seek them back out. It’s so backward.
So glad your husband has YOU to be on his team.
At least your husband has you, makes the world of difference! Someone that helps him see amd truly loves him.
That's how toxic people work, they claim you're a bad person and when you go no contact they want you back. Deep inside they know you're not a bad person, but they just have too keep pleasing the narcissist and do whatever he wants.
Christina Lashutka, I can explain this as I was a scapegoat and experienced the same from my family. When the scapegoat goes no contact they lie and say anything to get you back because they don't want to give up their punching bag. They like & enjoy using you as their punching bag, they want things to continue and sometimes in a sick way they feel like since your related to them they are entitled to you. It's totally sick. And if you set boundaries they will test & try to break your resolve. That's when you have to just repeatedly say "Look you MOFO, stay the F out of my life!"
@@kathleenmorrison8450 I'll have to remember that one. LOL. I just went no contact 2 wks. ago and I am scared to death. Just 3 unanswered calls so far....
Scapegoat going on 2 years now. Suddenly moved away and family felt betrayed. Family mobbing is so common in Hispanic culture. The Disney movie Encanto’s storyline revolves around this however it ends with everyone being happy together in the end. It’s been difficult to grieve the healthy family I never had but I know God is with me and is showing me what true family is. Though i may not be understood or supported by blood relatives, I have Jesus and a small circle of non-blood related family he has put in my life. ❤
Yes, my father was the narcissist in our family. He was a violent, raging alcoholic throughout my entire childhood.
When I was 13, I began to understand our family dynamic and became the truth teller and the scapegoat for my father. Apparently, I was the reason that my parents' marriage was in difficulty. Nevermind all the domestic violence.
At the age of 16 I moved out and started living on my own as I couldn't stand the arguments with my father anymore. They were mostly about how badly he was treating my mother and younger brother.
When he stopped drinking, the domestic violence stopped but the emotional abuse continued.
So, at age 36 I finally cut my ties with my father. I had enough of trying to prove myself worthy in his eyes. I realised that he will never think that way. He nearly broke me.
Since then he has been telling our extended family that my brother and I are liars when we talk about my father beating us all the time as kids.
Some people are not meant to be parents and he is one of them. The problem lies with him and not with me.
Scapegoats united in freedom! 🙌
I find the scapegoat is always perceived as *the strongest, most talented, with most potential* etc. by the narcissist (in my case, resentful gaslighting mom). They are also the most likely to call out/question the dysfunction. I had an acute eating disorder in my teens, and when I finally moved away (to a top university) and gained self-confidence and popularity, I was all out harassed by the golden child (my do-nothing older brother) who couldn’t bear seeing his little sister overcome her issues. It still gives me chills to think about it, and I still struggle with not feeling good enough and what my therapist calls “fear of conditional acceptance”, despite graduating from two top colleges. I was always compared, but never praised (I must be one of the only people who never had a meal on any of my graduation days) and I now live abroad.
Same! And I’m that child.
Oh yes. I agree.
Same!
That sounds right "I don't have the same [high] expectations for your brother"))
You did great! 💓🦋
This is the same in my family, I was the first to go university and graduate; still treated like rubbish. Take Care x
I was the scapegoat. Behind my back, my father always called me "the boy", which I didn't find out till I was about 14. He hated me to the pont of telling my mother that, "that's the type of by boy that you take a gun and just blow his head off" - he made that statement right in front if me. He made it known that he didn't like me. I grew up, and finally cut him out of my life.
I am really sorry for you. Your father was sadistic. Evil. I wish you all good things.
@@donnavorbach215 Thank you, Donna. Having put him behind me, I have seen some good things in my life, as he falls apart in his.
@@gtomtec You will reap what you sow.
How did your mother stand by such vile disgusting abuse? Sorry but you deserved sooo much better!
So sorry you went through that. Glad you got away
Having no contact with my scapegoating delusional and dysfunctional family has been the best thing for my mental health. It has allowed me to set boundaries with people in general and lead a more satisfying life.🎉
I came out darker than my 6 siblings. I was easily sick, I was always afraid and ruined the day because I didn’t want to see fireworks, I didn’t want to go on roller coasters, I was accident prone always slipping and falling, breaking bones , didn’t know how to swim .I was sloppy , dirty and always felt alone and different. At 17 I had a daughter and that was the glue at least to keep me and my 2 older sisters close . My daughter started to make bad choices at 16 and now there is no connection or reason to be close with them. I feel alone and hurt that was the only thing that made us stick together.
You started parenting too soon you. You need to make sure you raise yourself first before getting children. You have too many issues you have when you were 17.
@@warrenbradford2597 my older sister had a child at 17 as well .
This video changed my life...finally a doctor who identified an issue that has plagued my life "family mobbing" .
Idemtifiex? So?
Yes...because they will turn on you when the truth comes out.
So sorry. I watched my uncle be mobbed throughout his life.
@@phyllisfleming7247 ..That is terrible ! I know ..how quickly the family will turn against one another if any one speaks the TRUTH !
same here
I'm currently dealing with the stress of leaving the family system and it is tough. The mind games at play right now are terrible
Stay strong: Prayers for you.
Me too
Stay strong. It's hard and guilt will try to get on you, don't let it. I had nanaged to stay away from my mother for 20 years, just dealt with that guilty, do to health issues I went back to help her, FORGET that, it was almost like she needed to catch up. I've come home 1186 miles from her. The relief is amazing....
There is a lot of guilt (for drastically changing the relationship) and shame (for allowing it to go on so long) when setting firm boundaries. It took a year and reading How to Hug a Porcupine' before starting to heal and forgive myself. You aren't alone in this journey and the freedom you will find will be so valuable you will only feel sorry for those still in the cycle
Stay strong, you can do it! Lots of love
When she mentioned being cut out of a will, hit home for me. I had to deal with my father's lies and projection on me through the process of his death/funeral. He would always lie and said he cares and loved me and he never had the courage to tell me he cut me out. He left it to my brother to tell me the day before the funeral. Don't allow poor family dynamics to determine your future. I have better relationships with co-workers and friends since I mentally detached from my family. "Don't let their abuse define you."
From a family of 4, 3 of them narcissistic and I was a scape goat, ran away far far away crossing Pacific ocean without bringing money from my family...started living alone in a country with different culture and language but soooo peaceful...crawling from 0...and God is so good provenly...🛐✝️🛐
I think the advice she gave is easily better than any single hundreds of dollars of therapist session
Omg… this resonates with me. Never understood why I grew up feeling like I was resented, misunderstood, criticized and made to feel small and a burden.. time for self compassion and empathy
100% agreed. Well put together in words. we are strong.
Yes o we are strong
LIKEWISE!
Someone once told me that I was the most misunderstood people they knew. I don't know how to take that
I don't know the difference between sarcasm and real. And when I am sarcastic people think I'm mean.
28 years of being scapegoated by my mother, I'm the oldest among my siblings, she was too, so she projected herself onto more than the others, giving me bigger rewards and punishments, making them jealous of the reward part and making them join the ranks to get me down. Nowadays, I cut ties with most of my family members, most of them being enablers, but still get contact attempts from her from time to time, recently too. I called her out about it, and indeed, it resulted in everyone coming in to "make me reconsider my hurtful behaviour toward her", which basically was gazlighting, everything said in the video is true, and absolutely terrible to see.
I was the scapegoat. And the truth teller. I'd call out the double standards and hypocrisy and my mom (the narcissist) absolutely hated it. Even though she was only being exposed in front of my younger sister and brother, Golden Child #1 and #2. All they had to do, no matter who was crying or what was broken, all they had to do was tell mom that I did it. And smile at me from behind her while I got beaten for it. It got so bad mom would automatically blame me without _any_ proof and even in the face of obvious proof that I was innocent. Five or six years ago I went no contact.
I am in my seventies, and only within the last few years have i been able to look back on what happened in my childhood with a sense of forgiveness, or at least understanding. It took many years to realize that been abused. It was not until I saw one of my parents scapegoating my son that I fully understood that what had happened to me had truly been abuse. Needless to say, I pulled my son out of that situation as quickly as I possibly could.
Me too. We are strong in spite of it all and protected our children.
@@swank8183 She said she pulled her child away from that situation as soon as she recognized the bad behavior, if you read until the end of her comment. Try not to be so judgmental. People come here to feel safe and many are just learning about this kind of abuse.
I once commented to my mother that she spanked us often when we were children. Her reply was, "Well you must have done something to deserve it!"
I have very limited contact with her.
As scapegoats, we need to know we are better and deserve better!
I can not stress enough how amazing everyone has the ability to become, despite our treatment by toxic people!
💙
Same ugh
Yaass!!!
Same. She beat me all the time. Man, she had a wild temper.
I have several memories of my parents getting a weird look in their eye when they knew it was time to whip me. Almost like it was a turn on. They hugged me after and said it was love.
Guess how this followed me and manifested in my adult life.
@@aliceinbrill it's really creepy honestly. My mother would lock the doors before my 4-5 yo sis and enjoy how desperately she cried, or do similar shit with spanking. Ik convinced such parents have a legitimate disorder
My parents in law always tell me “you are our daughter” it felt uncomfortable every time they say that. Later on I realized I have been assigned the scapegoat role in their family. I’m their target every Christmas and any occasion. They criticise me but not openly, they abuse me through my husband and my sister in law. They think they are entitled to know everything, be at the front seat of any milestones of our lives. They think they have the authority to put their opinion and we have to just agree. They ruin every major milestone in my marriage, they make it sure I cannot celebrate or be happy. They turn people against me and I felt the indifference from those who were nice to me before. They abuse me and then play the victim and gossip to everyone.
My brother in law (SIL’s partner) was sent to be tested for autism because he couldn’t meet SILs “emotional expectations” while I am labeled “depressed and the crazy one” for pushing back against their control over my husband and what goes on in our lives. Two healthy people who married into this family ended up being crazy/depressed and autistic - they never looked at themselves being the problem
My golden child sister(her words not mine) tried to tell me in our narcissistic family dynamics, that she was the golden child. When I asked her what my role was, she said" the rebellious child." I caught the look on her face, I recognized the regret on her face, as to say she should have not said anything. She tried to redirect me away from the subject. At some point I looked it up, I found my role was the scapegoat. She really was trying to hide this from me. Over the years I built an arsenal in my personality to deal with my narcissistic family dynamics. But I really survived this family by the grace of God. I truly believe whole heartedly that God favor me, and gifted me with curtain giftes.
I simply went NO Contact with my Mother 40 years ago--best thing I even did. It was self preservation.
I'm no contact with my mother too. But she insists on turning up on my birthday. Just, no! I don't think she'll do it any more, though. Calmly closed the door in her face last year. Hope it's the last time. Just leave me be.
Omg....can you help me understand? I’m going on 2 years of no contact and am heartbroken that no one cares.
@@GodCreatedBlack It's not that no one cares, it's that they hate that you have what they crave which is genuine emotions and feelings. They hold you in contempt. Be grateful every day that you live a free life away from them. Be your authentic self. Love yourself and hold onto your boundaries. You don't need them to validate you....ever. Take care
@@sonjawilliams989 My own mother and brother...☹️ but true. I am getting stronger everyday. Thank you
@@GodCreatedBlack My own Mother and sister, so I understand. Yes, Get stronger every day without them. I still have to put up with my family and the damage she does all the time?, I wish I was you, and be able to step away or be left alone.. That sounds like pure peace to me. I wish you the best in getting stronger because you deserve it. Take care xx
I grew up having constantly to defend myself for things I did not do from a broken glass to waking up my parents. Whenever I would protest, the reply was "you are defending yourself too much for someone who is innocent". When I would calmly say "I did not do it", the reply was "you are way too relaxed for someone who is innocent". There was no way I could convince anyone I was not the culprit. In the mean time, my siblings went on with their mischief b/c they knew they would not bear any consequence. Now, the entire family wonders why I do not call or visit.....
Honestly there's no winning fr, or even coming to agreements tbh 😂
Scapegoated and still here. 3,000 miles makes no difference. I will always wear this suit. I lost my two daughters to this and yet, now a day. I see the light. Why be around those that do this. I don't any longer. I have learned to love my solitude. Fix myself. Then allow good things to flow in. Stay here, even though the worst days. Stay. It does clear up.
Thank you Doc. Much love to ya.
I was a golden child until I wasn't, then I became the scapegoat. When you choose to set a boundary and are not congruent with their expectations and plans anymore (eg. not contributing money or attention to their grandiose plans), you are discarded, mocked, and badmouthed. Sometimes they start targeting remaining siblings you are in touch with. When I hear of their nefarious plans to sabotage my and my siblings' lives, I sometimes think I'm just glad to have chosen the right path of cutting the toxicity out of my life.