I swear to....who ever is out there that we all swear to... Every single time I'm sobbing in my room from another one of life's blows and I open UA-cam to seek out self- help, or something to sooth me at the least... Every time there you are! Taking about the exact things that got me crying that day. . .and it works. It actually works. There's nobody else that can shut off my sob sessions like you can. I'd still be thinking about all the ways out of here if it wasn't for picking up my (I hate that I'm going to say this) but my cell phone, and opened the very app that ruined my kids personalities. . 😌 So I guess thanks UA-cam but more importantly, thank you. I am just one person, but I hope you get a sense of accomplishment and purpose when you find out you've helped someone escape from what could have did them in that day. That's something you should be incredibly proud of yourself for.
Wow❣️I love this saying… this is how I’m feeling. My health is a run away train right now to end of life.. Ty so much for your posting this. I’m the only one can change it. I’m not ready to go.❤
I am an Empath and HSP and I suspect you are too. I feel your pain, literally. I feel everyone's pain. They say it's a gift, but it's not. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I don't want to be here anymore. It is very hard to live in this world. There is so much evil out there. I have been afraid my entire life. I have anxiety and depression, with some childhood trauma and PTSD from being held at gunpoint and robbed twice at a job I had in my early 20''s. Your videos are great and very helpful, I'm so glad I found you. thank you so much!
Hi there. Thanks for your comment. I am an INFJ Empath and HSP. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me until I learned what was actually going on. Like, just watching someone else getting a shot or pricking their finger for a glucose reading, I feel a momentary stab in my stomach. Seeing violence in a movie or show is like a mental and physical assult and either I shut it off or fast-forward through it. I can't say being an Empath / HSP is a gift or not, or maybe it's a curse... I don't know. All I DO know is that we have to learn to handle these feelings and protect ourselves the best way we can. It sucks.
We as epaths have to learn how to direct there feelings from ours and keep them separated from or out feelings and I have not figured out haw to accomplish this. Yet
@@toireeves438 not sure why that ruins your day .. not trying to be malicious.we both are here to find answers to our inner negativity and I just don't think this whole culture of self diagnosing or labeling is healthy. Maybe you are empathic..I'm just saying everything is a spectrum we all share the same traits but in different abundance. We need brutal honest truths about the human mind not the classic case of someone labeling themselves as ADHD because they fidget when they sit down for example. Have a good day
With so many self help gurus gaslighting the viewers “ the world isn’t a dangerous place that’s just childhood trauma and depression talking “ ..The clinical psychologist nails it. I often wonder how we function…denial? Compartmentalization? …I was military, law enforcement, EMS spanning decades ..learning I was living with another human with no empathy or compassion and that she wasn’t a rarity ( more gaslighting that these effers are extremely uncommon) was the biggest blow for me. Having to face the reality of where that all began…the repeat patterns- hugely profound. Thanks Doc - I feel especially validated today 😎✌🏻
I really needed to hear this. I grew up with physical sexual and emotional abuse. I know the world is fucked up. I have CPTSD depression and anxiety and I learned how to mask it. I learned my feelings don't matter... that I don't matter. I was expected to pull myself up by my bootstraps. One of my mom's favorite sayings was suck it up buttercup. This world right now has go me running scared. It's brought the old belief that the world is a cruel and violent place... that I'm not safe. Over the past few years my pain has been quite crippling. I have a very difficult time functioning. I need to see that it's okay to be in pain. I also need to believe I can live through the pain as well. I hope I have been to depressing for everyone. I just know that pain is very real and that all of us need to learn how to love one another.
I feel your pain literally been through same childhood trauma then married more of the same! It has caught up with me! I have heart failure and suffer debilitating depression anhedonia. That stuff is not me!!!
You are awesome and you are valid! And we all need to wanna live this life. It's alright to be in pain, but life is still worth it, I think. Thank you for your story!
You are an empath. Embrace it. When you see a sad or troubled or worried stranger in the grocery store, or at the gas station pump, or next to you at the recycling bin, or wherever, say, “Hey, looks like a rough day for you. Me, too. Maybe tomorrow will be our day?” and offer a smile., no matter how weak. Bring any small comfort to others that you can, by acknowledging that you, too, are in pain, that you care about their pain, that you’ll both survive. I try to do this wherever I go. It has helped me tremendously with my own pain to see the look of relief on some people’s faces, or the tears well up in appreciation. Not that it will happen every time we just simply BE KIND, but it does seem to help me, and others who are struggling.
Something I desperately needed to hear back in junior high. This also implies that suffering isn't necessarily about "living in the past" like some people say, but it's really just life itself, present and past alike. We might not have the same problems as before, but we might have new ones.
This is the first time I feel validated for my intense anxiety surrounding the potential for tragedy. I am sensitive and empathetic. I feel the pain of others and myself very strongly. World events , especially the war happening in the middle east have sent me into an existential spiral. Whatever perceived security I have felt has vanished. I had a sheltered upbringing and now as an adult out in the world I feel afraid every time I leave the house.
Yes! 100% I have always been told I'm too sensitive or anxious - but I really just feel the world too much and feel traumatized by it at times. I will think about all the horrible stuff a lot - especially if I have witnessed something or seen something horrific in the news or a movie. I keep replaying those things over and over in my head - plus worry about all the horrible things in the world happening to my sons. I am otherwise NOT an overly anxious person, I have more the depression side of things. It is a comforting thought to validate ourselves instead of pushing all those feelings down.
@@DrScottEilers I know right. I always wonder how this stuff DOESN'T affect everyone when they watch the same things?? Sometimes I just try to make myself focus on the beautiful things in the world too - but boy it's hard.
@@jadeybabes33well this channel is proof that it certainly does affect many people. It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our sensitivities right?!
@@del8450wow! I always refused to watch the violent movies that my late husband would watch because I would be left thinking about them. I always wondered why he could watch them and find them “entertaining “ and just not even think about any of the violence or horrible characters in the movies. I am so glad to find that I am not the only one to feel like this. Even though we are probably a little too sensitive for our own well being.
It doesn't help that back in history our world was our village and all its news, but now our world is youtube and social media and ALL the world's news. It's hard on our tender, generous, kind and empathetic consciences to see the whole world's pain and not have enough input into alleviating that pain. It leaves that undercurrent to everything that pain is too big and too heavy to bear. My solution is to obey the call to share the care in my little world of influence and hope as each does that, together we make a difference!
Sometimes in those moments when I know I should be making some effort to clear my mind and fall asleep, the full-on, mind-melting absurdity of just simply EXISTING hits me like a freight train, and I am left gasping for breath and sobbing because none of this makes sense, it's an experience of something so profoundly, indescribably fantastic and strange and overwhelmingly full of sensation and awareness that it's just too hard to exist. I wonder if sometimes when people "check out" suddenly, it's because they had revelations on this degree and just can't take it. I fully empathize with this feeling and I hope whatever everyone else is going through out there, that they find some peaceful moments and experiences that make it less severely painful and frightening. The pain and fear never go away but you can keep exploring other ways to exist.
Childhood trauma,including 3rd degrees burns,and being beating so badly at 9....I was never the same. I've been in therapy 23 years now. Thank you,your videos are very helpful ❤
More than one mental health professionals has invalidated my traumatic experiences by saying there are more successful people out there with bigger problems than mine. I took that to mean my life is so small and insignificant that I don't have a right to waste their time complaining about my trauma. So I walked out and have never gone back to therapy since.
Your life has value. I used to think that I was small and insignificant. Once I started the healing journey, note it's different for everyone but once I started I realized that I let other people's trauma become my truth. The abuse the invalidating, all of that was their trauma language (for lack of a better example) dont know your journey but when young I took that langyage to heart. As I started to grow out of the constant thought loops of my past, my perception started to shift. Not everyone will get you that's true for all of us. Not everyone's gonna get what we're going through or pulled out of. Sometimes it's easier for some to give a less than compassionate response because they may be triggered. Just because a few of these folks may have a psychology degree does not make them less susceptible to being an a'hole or just burned out with their own journey. But, don't ever let that put your light out. When someone reaches out to you for support, someone will at some point, pull on that light and let it shine on them. It will be extremely healing for both of you. This guy has some great podcasts. Stick with them, Im going to. 🤗
I come here to listen when I am in so much pain. It keeps me hanging on. I listened it helped me. I just have a hard time dealing with the shame of being depressed, especially when others are on top of things.
I feel that too, like other people have their sh*t together, why am I such a mess? But every time I say that to anyone they are like "omg I definitely do NOT have it together, no one does"
I’m so sorry for your loss of your son I know exactly how you feel, my heart is shattered also, can’t seem to get it together most days, I’m so ready to go home to my sweet Lord!
I just have to tell you that I've saved many videos from you, and you're actually better than any in- person therapists I've had. Since you've been through it, you know it better! I'm so happy to know you're doing better. For me, it's been 45 years of meds and trying to get well. I'm very grateful for your channel here, and you have no idea how much I can relate, and how much you've supported me in recent tough times! Thank you forever... A 65 year old Minnesotan.
I work in human services and health care and over the last 10 yrs. Have learned MOST people dont know how to cope with life challenges, bad situations. Most people cope using escapism by shopping, gaming, 'scrolling' or substance use because our society encourages that. If at a community or societal level acknowledged the huge lack of healthy coping skills, we could radically change the world....lets talk about big issues and healthy coping skills in school, workplaces, community workshops, health care appointments, etc. i think my depression was made worse by others brushing off my concerns and worries since i was about 14 years old...ive learned not ro look for valudation from family ir friends. It sucks but it really helped.
I love this channel because Dr. Scott says all of the validating things that I wish my friends, family, and past therapists would have told me, along with real actionable steps
Thank you. I talk to my partner about my feelings when things are awful for myself and those around me. He says stuff like "it's just one of those things ", "it is what it is", " other people have shit lives too". I realise now that is invalidating. And he probably just wants me to shut up and live in a bubble where I don't think or feel anything deeply, like he does. This makes me feel validated and that I'm not wrong to stuggle in this world.
Exactly!!! It starts with "I don't have the reason to feel this way" to asking yourself "am I making myself feel this way?" But still being unable to believe that why would anyone intentionally make themselve feel so miserable. Then it turns to "you are so weak, you just can't get over this small thing" from trying to find a reason to wondering if I am causing this, to self pitty, to self sabotage...it just goes too fast😅
Yes, well put! Dr. Scott, when we say to ourselves invalidations, or worse 3rd party put-downs…shhhh you have no reason to feel this way, the feeling I loathe has be coveting a reason to have it and snowballs. Thanks for your presentation and thx to all for sharing❤
Thank you so much for validating everyone’s feeling that life is depressing and hard. Thank you for the good work! Key takeaway: When you feel too much of the weight of the world and everyone’s pain on your shoulders - you are completely fine for being in pain, for feeling traumatised by the world. Validate these feelings, acknowledge them in your journal and little by little they will make sense and will bother you a little less.
Before the internet came along I lived a life of very little stress my only concerns were keeping my children safe from any danger. So when the internet came along and over the years I unfortunately was exposed to all the things I never new about be it good or bad , I only realised at the age of 67 why I can never get back the peace of mind I use to have growing up in a fairly safe environment when life was basically the same for everyone. Being exposed to the horror of what some humans do to others has had a bad effect on my once troubled free mind , being the curious person I am I need to understand everything whether it's good or bad and life can never be the same because everything about life has changed so dramatically you can't ignore the reality and it's a ongoing struggle . I'm always looking for buffers to help myself cope, and be the personI want to be regardless of what hurdles I have to over .
I'm looking forward to this topic, for me, life's pain is about navigating grief, not physical pain yet, but that's coming soon, since I'm in my seventh decade.
Invalidating myself just makes a cruel world more cruel. Listening to this, I was able to let myself off the hook for a few seconds at a time. Bam - so much pressure taken off - instantly. I'm listening, teacher. Thank you so much for your wise and compassionate words.
How timely. I was actually saying to myself this morning how hard life is. Like you said, I have always talked to myself about how messed up the world is. And also, I have invalidated my feelings because I know of others who have had it so much worse. This is very helpful because I will now try to validate my feelings more rather than telling myself I shouldn't feel this way. Thank you so much, Dr. Scott.
This video is genius. Dr Scott is a genius. I feel so guilty for feeling depressed most days. I have a wonderful spouse, I don’t have financial problems, I have good health, etc. My childhood was full of physical abuse and I went through a really bad 1st marriage that lasted over 20 years :( I was in 2 different car accidents (6 years apart) that left me with major PTSD. One was a guy ran a red light and the other one I got rear ended by a guy going 50mph. Every time I’m in a car I’m terrified. I had therapy but it didn’t work. I feel I should be over all this by now so I get mad at myself for feeling bad. I feel better knowing I have permission to validate myself. Thank you Dr Scott!!! I will try and stop beating myself up
Oh, this is by far my favourite of your episodes so far (I started at the beginning and am watching up to the present). I too realized very early -- perhaps too early -- that the world was not safe and could never BE safe, and most of my most damaging behaviours came about because I couldn't bear that and couldn't resist looking for ways to make it FEEL safe. Of course, I didn't find any, because safety and security are ephemeral illusions that cannot bear weight. Secure attachment helps, but you will still lose each other eventually. No one can get around the simple fact of death waiting at the bottom of slope, or the fact that Life in the scientific sense wouldn't work without something fulfilling the function of pain. Being a living thing, any living thing, means hurting and dying. We just have the fairly unique misfortune of REALIZING that, without being any more able to escape it than anything else. So yeah, it's a pretty raw deal and we SHOULD have all kinds of big feelings about it. Thank you for making space for them.
Wow! What a transparent, genuine, no bullshit, amazing person you are! Yes to everything you said. I agree. This life..This planet.....omg. So challenging. So difficult. Many times I just want to wrap myself in a cuddly blank and hide in the hole of a tree.
i do believe, like you also mentioned here, that those peeps who are all centered and expressive with joy and ambition, in THIS CRAZY-A*S world, truly must, most likely are, outta touch.. I know we are meant to be bright lights against the darkness, but damn, that legit starts weighing on a person.. so much upset going on for so many people, often finds me sad myself.. it is tough, if you are compassionate to feel joyful in life, knowing such atrocities are befalling others.. even with great faith and hope, these days are very challenging..
Yes I agree with you! It’s like toxic positivity! Nothing wrong with remaining positive but I attend support group for mental illness and I’m often weighed down by how many of them including myself are hurting. When I see homeless people I cry for them bc it’s like why can’t someone just help them. I just hurt for humanity as a whole bc it’s just one of us suffering it’s many of us and it’s hard and it freaking hurts! As u said even with faith it’s a challenge to remain hopeful! 💯🥺❤️
This is the reason I’ve always scoffed at people who think “everything happens for a reason.” It’s their coping mechanism for the randomness and chaos of life, but I can’t snow myself that way.
I'm downloading this video right now so I can listen to your voice anytime/anyplace. Invalidation - uhh, yeah. When I did whatever I did as a kid, my mom would say "you know what I OUGHT to do to you, don't you??" Inches from my face with rage in her eyes. Like yeah, I know verbal, physical, emotional abuse and the endless humiliation really truly aren't enough. I know you're showing saintly restraint by not killing me - I do, and I'm mighty grateful, oh Most Merciful Mutti. Yet every day I tell myself to stop whining. We weren't sexually abused; we never for one minute went hungry; the whole family loved on the dogs - at least there was always one or two "people" in the house who truly loved me. And on and on it goes. So I think WHY won't these thoughts go away?? Everything is fine in the here and now. Mom left the planet many moons ago and I owe the comforts of my physical existence to her and dad. And then I see the title of this video, get a cup of coffee, listen and let it all sink in. Im blown away! I am 71 now and everything you say here is fresh and BEYOND helpful to me - like you are so young and still you understand precisely what it's like to feel this way. I also love other people's comments. So much insight and support. Thank you. 🙏🏻💚🪷
When things get super tough for me, mental health wise, I become much more aware of what I term "the Darkness" -- basically just the potential at any moment that things flip from dream to nightmare. We are so fragile, so vulnerable, just like our connections to each other. Whoa I invalidate myself constantly yet am almost not aware of it 😮 My best friend's inner pain comes from the damage that we humans do to the planet and all the other species that share the planet with us.
I think this is extremely validating to my point of view that the world is unbelievably hard to stomach. No f ing matter I’m afraid a lot of the time. Although it does matter that I’m afraid a lot of the time. It does matter that I’m depressed so much of the time. How can one not be depressed & afraid & anxious today? Maybe I can get some perspective, now that I’m remembering what I already knew. Thanks for the validation today!
This all makes sense. The worst two parts are 1) when no one around you can understand your feelings, and/or 2) they don't care. For the few things I'm working on, I'm left to connect all the dots on my own from various resources, mostly online material. It's inefficient and slow, but I'm identifying the things that must change. If I could find a good therapist that wasn't booked out six months it would be nice. The last one I talked with I got in, in a pretty short timeframe, but he couldn't pay attention and as a result he was of no use. It is frustrating.
Sometimes our depression and anxiety is misdiagnosed as mental illness when in reality people like this are oftentimes simply seeing life on this planet with a pragmatic sense of realism. Human beings are a fragile race living within a broken world.
Scott, "ignorance is bliss". Unfortunately or fortunately you are not ignorant because you don't want to be. A curious mind is a rigorous mind. Your sharing your gift. Thank you.
The Buddha recognized that life is suffering & contemplation is the way through suffering. This was revolutionary b/c no one else had addressed this universal truth of human experience. Obviously nothing about our human reality has changed in 2000 years.
I am so glad you addressed that sometimes people fabricate certain things that "happened to them". Not to lie or manipulate, but bcs they feel that is the only way they will be heard. I see this fabrication so much today, and there were many times when I'm very sure I caught my friends fabricating some traumatic stuff happening. Never called them out cause you can't know for certain, but also bcs their feeling would still be the same, with or without that happening, but for "not good enough reasons". It does piss me off sometimes, but it's comforting to know that I'm not crazy in noticing this.
Society is turning virtually everyone into some kind of victim. I find this neauveau diagnoses of C-PTSD a bad trend. I won't undermine having a difficult and traumatic childhood. I had one, but I don't have PTSD from it, and I got tired of various message boards telling me to look into it. Depression and anxiety is enough to deal w/, but not that. Also, people are traumatized victims for all the other stuff. If you're gay, a woman, black, native, trans, a this that or other, you could be a special victim olympics category. It's getting endless.
This video was so validating, honestly. I have a great life and I am grateful for it. But I have a lot many days where I feel like I carry the sorrow of the entire humanity inside of me. Thank you so much for putting what I feel into words.
This is exactly what I think regularly! Glad to hear someone speak on it this way. Sometimes even the dark thoughts of humanity need to be discussed so we as a collective don’t feel alone in these thoughts. Not everything is positive. That’s life! And battling with mental health makes these thoughts for me personally even more overwhelming! I get you! 💯❤️
I’m so thankful I found this channel. It reinforces & resonates so many things for me. I am now 52 years . Lived with cyclical depression and anxiety all my life. Depression isn’t seeing someone crying every day. It’s an actual illness. It can cripple you when you actually cannot function at all. I’ve lost jobs, relationships, friendships and then when you do have a good day catching up on chores, bills etc it completely drains your energy trying to keep up with the simplest of tasks. Gone are the days when I call my GP for help, only to be offered more mind altering medication and be left on a waiting list for over 3 years to see someone; who likes to seem to understands mental wellness, when that person has only just graduated from university and has little or zero experience in mental health other than what the text book dictates to them. Unless you’ve had, still have or going through mental health issues no one should be in the position to preach or practice.
Say it. Just say it. It's true. One crumb of comfort has long been death. Not suicide. But that this miserable game called life, at least in my experience, will end. Its a comfort not a threat. And yes I know some people call life a gift. Good for them. I have a high IQ. I know a lot of things. I have had a life many desire. But this really sucks. I'm so weary of always being in emotional pain. CPTSD, I've read the books, seen the therapists. I know the "reasons." Yet still here it is. Dr. Scott, you are just saying the truth.
These last 3+ years (since March 2020) has been a HUGE upheaval for me and husband. Learned a lot about myself, politics, other people, so-called friends leaving us and gaining new ones, regulating fear and hate forced upon us by our govt (hi from Canada), and trying to come to some emotional balance and some acceptance during all of it. 12 people (family and friends and acquaintances) died in their sleep or "sudden death", and we have learned to accept everyone is on their own journey, including our only (adult-) child who suddenly turned on her medical decisions that terrify us, and we have to accept she too is on her own journey. Accepting that your only child might die is a hard one to accept. We try not to think about it, but it's on the back burner of our hearts. We have learned how to keep going, with friends, exercise... because... we have to. You described this perfectly, Dr. Scott. People reading, thank you for being kind.
"..the amount of pain I feel about the basic truths of existence.." To finally hear that, that we all face a grim reality regardless of our circumstances has really helped. Thank you. Compassion and decency are born profoundly from embracing those basic truths of existence, but to be honest, given the choice, I would have preferred to remain ignorant.
For me the worst is the fact that people make the life a lot worse than it could have been. This unnecessary pain and trouble is awful and it is there 24/7 just because. Idk what but there is something sick in humans. Wars, violence - it’s just in our nature.
Thank you for being a voice of validation. It is painful to be invalidated, either by ourselves or by others. I keep saying “there has got to be more to life/living than THIS! Because if this is all there is, how does one continue on!” I’m told to stop being so negative and just enjoy being alive. Obviously by people that have no clue what depression is like. They say, “just snap out of it!” 😩
the worst feeling is that you have no one to express what you are going through and even your parents shut you up.. they dont want you to feel the way you are ACTUALLY feeling BECAUSE they dont want to feel the way they feel when you try to open up about your feelings to them! ✌🏽
Beyond the womb, no environment is ever perfectly attuned to our needs. That is the condition of life - moving through a series of more-or-less badly attuned environments. It’s survivable. Sometimes there are wonderful moments, places, people. But they’re very often accidents, impermanent.
I've learned this lesson recently and I've been meditating with the mantra of saying "ok" to all my thoughts, feelings, and fears, and its been so healing
I think many people who lived in a balanced family and had a balanced experience in social contexts are extremely sensitized towards the cruelty that this world brings. So they absorb so much of that it becomes harder for them to get through the days as they dont comprehend how life or people or the world can be so cruel. They never were over protected, its just that they dont understand the concept of nastiness of the world.
As someone currently grieving my own beloved adopted mom, as her passing anniversary nears. 😪😔😢 This touched me deeply, thank you for your vulnerability & openness to share this. With her passing my whole world seems to have gone dark, I’ve seen the most ugliness come out of both biological and adopted family members.💔 No one could ever love or care for me like my beloved adopted mom did.😪😔😪Grief hurts, the loss of not just my beloved adopted mom but, also biological dad has been extremely devastating & the most painful losses on top of others. 💔😥💔 I feel so orphaned and alone in this oftentimes cruel world, I can’t believe still that it’ll almost be two years since you passed mom. I don’t even think or feel I’ll make it through.😪😰😪The absence & hole is so deep, you’ll always be the mom I never had.😰💔😥 #BrokenHearted
I’m sorry for pain; I also lost both of my parents far to young. My dad died 3 years ago in December. Grief really is cyclical, every year experiencing the loss comes back around.
Existence is traumatic - my life in one statement. Geat times and rotten times but over all I've been blessed but still theres that black river. Thank you so much, friend. This entry has been fabulous. 🥰 "Broken system, fallen world"... hmmm, where have I read this before? 🙏
This spoke volumes to me. I did have trauma in childhood, much less than some, more than others. But I remember this awareness of pain in all different forms, the awareness of others, tons of observation, trying to figure things out, etc. I am a realist and see so much, sometimes instantly, sometimes after turning things over, but I also see and have hope. But I am adamant about not putting my head in the sand.
Premises. Thanks for the talk. It makes sense to catastrophize if those things are really out of control and acutely painful. This is why I think some things counseling can’t help. Take time to nurse your wounds in silence knowing that you have legitimate pain. This too shall pass.
Our brains are So similar! I realised it at 6 also. I’ve felt like chicken little since then. I Really wish we were friends so that we can talk about ‘all of it’. The more I listen, the more I’m hearing myself. And yes, the pain - especially when going into the world - is just So Much. Thank you for talking about this.
Life is traumatic for every human being but the trait of high sensibility makes everything so much amplified in good and bad. It's not going to be a easy life. Despite of all of that, high sensibility is a great gift. Validation for ourselves ❤️ you are a beautiful soul
That kind of thinking you mention is extremely pervasive and so awful, this idea of “what happened to me can’t be so bad after all, others have it so much worse”. If you’ve broken your leg, someone saying “you should be lucky to have a broken leg, some people don’t even have legs, think about that” is not helpful and won’t make your broken leg better. Sometimes things just suck, sometimes a switch in your brain flips the wrong way and you start becoming depressed without any clear outer cause. And other people having it worse still doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve or need help or support! What I try to do actively in my life is to do what I can to help and do good things, and I figure that’s all I can do. Sure, doing nice things won’t destroy systematic oppression and so on, but it will make life less awful for the people around me and my hope is that they’re going to do the same in return.
I really appreciate this video, I grew up in a wealthy family and have had an above average life and yet I feel so much existential pain, I even feel guilty for not feeling better. I don't really know what all the pain is connected to, but I think that having the courage to feel it without looking for a solution is so important
I totally agree the world is messed up and there's a lot of reasons to feel depressed. My emotion is validated, and how do I convince myself to continue to exist and function? Apart from thinking of people/pets who love me or religious reasons. This is the question I could not answer my kid
My experience was horrible but, no one actually believed me, primarily because, my mother is a Narcissist and people chose to believe that I was lying about my abuses by her and Believed that I was always the problem. I still can't believe that grown adults would believe that a 10 yr old was responsible for my mother's misery. Letting her off the hook for being responsible for her own life.
Dr. Scott, you helped me so much today. Thank you. My perspective is that I do have hard things in my life that hurt, and I don't need to feel guilty or be obsessed with fixing myself because I do hurt. I loved what you said about self-validation because of something I'm going through where I have been struggling in an effort to get the validation I needed. You have given me the permission to say that how I feel makes sense, even if others don't get it. Self-invalidation doesn't work because as you said, the feelings remain. Not only that, you now have the pressure of guilt for being wrong and rumination to try to find some reasonable justification for why you feel the way you do. You were wondering why you feel this way about life. Well, I think some of us are extra bright and perceptive and this leads to our increased depth and consequently pain. We feel deeply for what is, and what should be. Thank you for shining light into my experience. Bad things do happen, seemingly out of nowhere, and it's OK that we hurt for that.
thank you! I've been struggling with this a lot lately, not understanding how to just go about life without thinking everything could fall apart at any minute.
I was just writing before about Iife and how scary it is living when so many things go wrong all around the world. I hear what you are saying. I feel this... But near the start of the video, you say about comparing your life to others. Well, everyone has gone through stuff that has affected differently, but you can't say that someone else life is worse than yours that isn't fair on you. Everyone deals with things differently. I love your channel. I only found it yesterday and am already answering some of the questions you ask us veiwers to ask about our lives.
I relate to this-thank you so much. By the way, your book is brilliant and it changed my life. It made life make sense in a way that no one else has been able to articulate and was incredibly validating❤️
I think the toxic positive approach so many people gloam onto as part of wellness culture has so much to answer for. And have lots of friends/connections who have a deep belief /coach others in magical thinking, esoteric, psuedo spiritual, reiki/ energy healing. It has its place i get it, but people believing they are psychic mediums and the animals/world around them are showing up FOR THEM as messengers..... the world and universe is so full of miracles and wonder without needing to think up more
It's weird. Because I've had a really messed up life I assumed that the feelings I have about the world and its problems stem from my trauma. But as I heal from some of those issues, the problems don't seem to go away. What you're saying makes this make sense. I'm glad that I healed, but somehow my trauma masked the reality of the world. Now that I'm not seeing everything through that lens, I'm shocked at what's out there. It's almost as if my trauma protected me from reality. It's a bit depressing, because I always thought that if I healed my trauma wounds, everything in my life would turn around. I've worked hard the past 2 years to learn to accept myself and not be too critical, to live with my past, but now I see that the world is very messed up and will be regardless of how much work I put into myself. I'm not sure that the acceptance I had sought is really something that I want anymore.
Even though I know on an intellectual level that I've suffered childhood abuse and trauma in adulthood, I can't connect it to my lifetime of depression and anxiety, mentally or emotionally, as the cause of it. My pain JUST IS. I wish I could understand why.
Thank you for this. I seldom get legit validation for my feelings outside therapist's office. As much as i love my family, and i assume they love me, i cannot trust them with any emotions that aren't happy because of invalidation of my feelings. Even my husband invalidates my emotions. I know we are in a good place in our life, but i still feel heaviness in my heart. I have no one i can share my feelings with and i don't trust anyone, not even myself most times, with my heavy emotions. It's hard to say to myself "don't give up" because i so much want to just quit trying. I keep my feelings locked inside so my loved ones won't be burdened. And they wonder why i don't talk much. So... yeah. thanks for making this video because you said out loud what i needed to hear.
This is a great thing to remind yourself, when everything just seems like it's too much. This knowledge came to me when I was in college, taking a Psych 101 class. The professor said that there have been studies that say that people with depression make more accurate predictions than optimists. And I, with depression and anxiety, thought "Well, yeah. That's cause we KNOW the world sucks." I spent a LOT of my childhood broken down about the possibility of sexual harassment and abuse. My childhood was f***ed up because I KNEW too much about how the world actually is, and I actually wanted a lobotomy so that I could forget it.
i needed to hear this so bad. the part about fabricating trauma to justify yourself and your emotions, reactions, etc unlocked memories i had totally buried.
Thanks! I resonated with your thoughts. About 40 yrs ago I was explaining to a councilor why I think I had depression. When I was done he told me that I had had a hard life and I had a reason to feel bad. I felt like a weight had been lifted. He got me. Most everyone says you shouldn't have a victim attitude. Think of yourself as a survivor. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I got validation from him and it helped me immensely.
Why I "constantly have this underground river of pain running through my mind". That is an excellent description of it. This video is great. Your comments about validation\ invalidation from ourselves or others are so important.
I have been recently diagnosed with C-PTSD (parental abuse and neglect, all types), living with SI since my teens, multiple attempts through the years (I'm 53), still coming out of a long depressive episode. I am in therapy and on medication. But I learned that, feeling the same way as you do, is a sign of a highly empathetic person. That is a good thing most of the time, other times, it is overwhelming. Thank you for your YT podcast. You have helped me look at my issues in a different way than any other therapist has, and I am using your episodes as additional help for me. Keep going, you're awesome!!!
Scott, your great talent is articulating these things, putting it into understandable words. Add to that, the compassion born of life experience, makes you such a valuable resource.
This is realistic. I worked out many years ago that 1) there are more guarantees in life, 2) life is about showing up, putting one foot in front of the other and 3) I value the learned skill of resilience above most others. The cult of self esteem has waylaid realistic discussion. Resilience, the ability to (eventually) to get up and keep going, will make life work.
Dr Scott, thank you for your genuine, authentic self. I am pretty sure everything you said in this video is spot on. It resonated with me. Even the part about thinking about death from a young age. My parents would "reassure" me with, "We're not going to die". Normal, every day is tough emotions. To have some sense of, joy, happiness, peace, calm, takes building skills every day for a lifetime and knowing you will also always be feeling the sadness and the fear. It a dialectic. One must accept and lean into the suffering and be ok with all it is to be human.
i am absolutely beside myself by how grievous, how traumatic and treacherous this world is… as well as my own tiny, stupid life was/is… i am absolutely shattered..
I work at giving myself the same grace I would give anyone else instead of holding myself to a "higher" standard because "I should know better ". Empathy is my super power but there's a cost. And pain is pain so comparing mine to yours is illogical. I've always tried to memorize my pain so I can use it to help others. When my mom died, there was this moment after everything was done and it felt like the world just moved on.... but my mom was still dead. Being able to use my experiences to validate others takes some of the darkness out of pain. And being able to laugh at the absurdity of it all. I married my first husband on my second husband's birthday and finalized our divorce on my third husband's birthday. I did not plan this. Thanks for expressing, so eloquently, how I and many others feel and creating such a warm, welcoming space where we can get a little respite from ourselves. May you find many moments of unexpected joy and laughter!
I can’t count how many of these videos I’ve forwarded to my teen trying to navigate her anxiety and depression. Nuggets of truth and validation all the way! Being a child of an alcoholic, I’ve had to find ways to heal my depression while teaching her how. Thanks for validating me that it really takes a village.
The acknowledgement that “Life is suffering” is the core basis of Buddhism. I’m not into “religion” but I think people have been aware of this general fact of our existence for thousands of years and have been looking for ways to deal with it for just as long.
Today is the 1 yr anniversary of the death of my councillor. (Found out about 3 months ago that he passed. So it doesn’t feel like a year it feels as though it just happened) I miss him and his help terribly Thank you for reminding me of things he has taught me over the years.
Thank you. It is good to hear that I'm not the only one that is horrified by the "normal" of life on planet earth.
I've been saying that existing is incredibly traumatic for years and it's great to finally get some validation!
I swear to....who ever is out there that we all swear to...
Every single time I'm sobbing in my room from another one of life's blows and I open UA-cam to seek out self- help, or something to sooth me at the least...
Every time there you are! Taking about the exact things that got me crying that day. . .and it works. It actually works.
There's nobody else that can shut off my sob sessions like you can. I'd still be thinking about all the ways out of here if it wasn't for picking up my
(I hate that I'm going to say this) but my cell phone, and opened the very app that ruined my kids personalities. . 😌
So I guess thanks UA-cam but more importantly, thank you.
I am just one person, but I hope you get a sense of accomplishment and purpose when you find out you've helped someone escape from what could have did them in that day. That's something you should be incredibly proud of yourself for.
Yes. INCREDIBLY traumatic indeed!!!!
"You don't have to have had an especially hard life to deserve the right to struggle and feel immense pain." 👍
sometimes it feels like we're all on a train going full speed into death and no one seems to notice
Do you mean full speed into being murdered?
I prefer to think of it as being on a burning rock flying through space at 10,000 mph.
Wow❣️I love this saying… this is how I’m feeling. My health is a run away train right now to end of life.. Ty so much for your posting this. I’m the only one can change it. I’m not ready to go.❤
I am an Empath and HSP and I suspect you are too. I feel your pain, literally. I feel everyone's pain. They say it's a gift, but it's not. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I don't want to be here anymore. It is very hard to live in this world. There is so much evil out there. I have been afraid my entire life. I have anxiety and depression, with some childhood trauma and PTSD from being held at gunpoint and robbed twice at a job I had in my early 20''s. Your videos are great and very helpful, I'm so glad I found you. thank you so much!
Hi there. Thanks for your comment. I am an INFJ Empath and HSP. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me until I learned what was actually going on. Like, just watching someone else getting a shot or pricking their finger for a glucose reading, I feel a momentary stab in my stomach. Seeing violence in a movie or show is like a mental and physical assult and either I shut it off or fast-forward through it. I can't say being an Empath / HSP is a gift or not, or maybe it's a curse... I don't know. All I DO know is that we have to learn to handle these feelings and protect ourselves the best way we can. It sucks.
We as epaths have to learn how to direct there feelings from ours and keep them separated from or out feelings and I have not figured out haw to accomplish this. Yet
Smh. Everyone can "feel" other people's emotions. It doesn't make you an empathic
@@PacksSacks how nice of you to chime in and try to ruin my day. SMDH
@@toireeves438 not sure why that ruins your day .. not trying to be malicious.we both are here to find answers to our inner negativity and I just don't think this whole culture of self diagnosing or labeling is healthy. Maybe you are empathic..I'm just saying everything is a spectrum we all share the same traits but in different abundance. We need brutal honest truths about the human mind not the classic case of someone labeling themselves as ADHD because they fidget when they sit down for example. Have a good day
With so many self help gurus gaslighting the viewers “ the world isn’t a dangerous place that’s just childhood trauma and depression talking “ ..The clinical psychologist nails it. I often wonder how we function…denial? Compartmentalization? …I was military, law enforcement, EMS spanning decades ..learning I was living with another human with no empathy or compassion and that she wasn’t a rarity ( more gaslighting that these effers are extremely uncommon) was the biggest blow for me. Having to face the reality of where that all began…the repeat patterns- hugely profound. Thanks Doc - I feel especially validated today 😎✌🏻
I really needed to hear this. I grew up with physical sexual and emotional abuse. I know the world is fucked up. I have CPTSD depression and anxiety and I learned how to mask it. I learned my feelings don't matter... that I don't matter. I was expected to pull myself up by my bootstraps. One of my mom's favorite sayings was suck it up buttercup.
This world right now has go me running scared. It's brought the old belief that the world is a cruel and violent place... that I'm not safe. Over the past few years my pain has been quite crippling. I have a very difficult time functioning.
I need to see that it's okay to be in pain. I also need to believe I can live through the pain as well. I hope I have been to depressing for everyone. I just know that pain is very real and that all of us need to learn how to love one another.
I feel your pain literally been through same childhood trauma then married more of the same! It has caught up with me! I have heart failure and suffer debilitating depression anhedonia. That stuff is not me!!!
You are awesome and you are valid! And we all need to wanna live this life. It's alright to be in pain, but life is still worth it, I think. Thank you for your story!
I really appreciate your honesty and hand reaching out to pull us out of the crap we are drowning in. Thank you.
Just know you're not alone. Like the Dr. said your feelings are real. I hope your on the road of healing. We are much stronger than we think.
You are an empath. Embrace it. When you see a sad or troubled or worried stranger in the grocery store, or at the gas station pump, or next to you at the recycling bin, or wherever, say, “Hey, looks like a rough day for you. Me, too. Maybe tomorrow will be our day?” and offer a smile., no matter how weak.
Bring any small comfort to others that you can, by acknowledging that you, too, are in pain, that you care about their pain, that you’ll both survive.
I try to do this wherever I go. It has helped me tremendously with my own pain to see the look of relief on some people’s faces, or the tears well up in appreciation. Not that it will happen every time we just simply BE KIND, but it does seem to help me, and others who are struggling.
Experiencing pleasure in life is never a guarantee. Experiencing pain is almost always a guarantee.
I’ve never heard anyone put this into words so well
Something I desperately needed to hear back in junior high. This also implies that suffering isn't necessarily about "living in the past" like some people say, but it's really just life itself, present and past alike. We might not have the same problems as before, but we might have new ones.
This is the first time I feel validated for my intense anxiety surrounding the potential for tragedy. I am sensitive and empathetic. I feel the pain of others and myself very strongly. World events , especially the war happening in the middle east have sent me into an existential spiral. Whatever perceived security I have felt has vanished. I had a sheltered upbringing and now as an adult out in the world I feel afraid every time I leave the house.
I’m a highly sensitive and empathic person too so I understand your pain.
Yes! 100% I have always been told I'm too sensitive or anxious - but I really just feel the world too much and feel traumatized by it at times. I will think about all the horrible stuff a lot - especially if I have witnessed something or seen something horrific in the news or a movie. I keep replaying those things over and over in my head - plus worry about all the horrible things in the world happening to my sons. I am otherwise NOT an overly anxious person, I have more the depression side of things. It is a comforting thought to validate ourselves instead of pushing all those feelings down.
Totally get it, I’ve had to pretty much stop watching the news and most movies because of this ❤️
@@DrScottEilers I know right. I always wonder how this stuff DOESN'T affect everyone when they watch the same things?? Sometimes I just try to make myself focus on the beautiful things in the world too - but boy it's hard.
@@jadeybabes33well this channel is proof that it certainly does affect many people. It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our sensitivities right?!
@@del8450wow! I always refused to watch the violent movies that my late husband would watch because I would be left thinking about them. I always wondered why he could watch them and find them “entertaining “ and just not even think about any of the violence or horrible characters in the movies. I am so glad to find that I am not the only one to feel like this. Even though we are probably a little too sensitive for our own well being.
I quit watching tv and especially the news many years ago, in sheer self defense.
It doesn't help that back in history our world was our village and all its news, but now our world is youtube and social media and ALL the world's news. It's hard on our tender, generous, kind and empathetic consciences to see the whole world's pain and not have enough input into alleviating that pain. It leaves that undercurrent to everything that pain is too big and too heavy to bear.
My solution is to obey the call to share the care in my little world of influence and hope as each does that, together we make a difference!
I do think this is a big part of it ❤️
Existing is Exhausting! Some days, I feel like a "walking dead" on this Earth. 😔
I feel that 🧟♂️
Sometimes in those moments when I know I should be making some effort to clear my mind and fall asleep, the full-on, mind-melting absurdity of just simply EXISTING hits me like a freight train, and I am left gasping for breath and sobbing because none of this makes sense, it's an experience of something so profoundly, indescribably fantastic and strange and overwhelmingly full of sensation and awareness that it's just too hard to exist. I wonder if sometimes when people "check out" suddenly, it's because they had revelations on this degree and just can't take it. I fully empathize with this feeling and I hope whatever everyone else is going through out there, that they find some peaceful moments and experiences that make it less severely painful and frightening. The pain and fear never go away but you can keep exploring other ways to exist.
Incredibly relatable, wow. Sounds just like me
Childhood trauma,including 3rd degrees burns,and being beating so badly at 9....I was never the same. I've been in therapy 23 years now.
Thank you,your videos are very helpful ❤
I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. Hugs 🤗
More than one mental health professionals has invalidated my traumatic experiences by saying there are more successful people out there with bigger problems than mine. I took that to mean my life is so small and insignificant that I don't have a right to waste their time complaining about my trauma. So I walked out and have never gone back to therapy since.
I think you should write a written complaint to that therapist! Shocking someone trained in therapy could say that to you! 😢
Your life has value. I used to think that I was small and insignificant. Once I started the healing journey, note it's different for everyone but once I started I realized that I let other people's trauma become my truth. The abuse the invalidating, all of that was their trauma language (for lack of a better example) dont know your journey but when young I took that langyage to heart. As I started to grow out of the constant thought loops of my past, my perception started to shift. Not everyone will get you that's true for all of us. Not everyone's gonna get what we're going through or pulled out of. Sometimes it's easier for some to give a less than compassionate response because they may be triggered. Just because a few of these folks may have a psychology degree does not make them less susceptible to being an a'hole or just burned out with their own journey. But, don't ever let that put your light out. When someone reaches out to you for support, someone will at some point, pull on that light and let it shine on them. It will be extremely healing for both of you.
This guy has some great podcasts. Stick with them, Im going to. 🤗
I come here to listen when I am in so much pain. It keeps me hanging on. I listened it helped me. I just have a hard time dealing with the shame of being depressed, especially when others are on top of things.
I feel that too, like other people have their sh*t together, why am I such a mess? But every time I say that to anyone they are like "omg I definitely do NOT have it together, no one does"
I have always found existence traumatic. Then my son died. Imagine how I feel about life now 😔
😢❤
I’m so sorry for your loss of your son I know exactly how you feel, my heart is shattered also, can’t seem to get it together most days, I’m so ready to go home to my sweet Lord!
Mine too. Im so sorry xx
I'm so sorry
To understand is to forgive.
I emphatize with all of you who lost a child. Soldier on.
May you be safe, be healthy and be happy.
I appreciate you putting words to these feelings and experiences. The world is a little less lonely now.
I just have to tell you that I've saved many videos from you, and you're actually better than any in- person therapists I've had. Since you've been through it, you know it better!
I'm so happy to know you're doing better. For me, it's been 45 years of meds and trying to get well. I'm very grateful for your channel here, and you have no idea how much I can relate, and how much you've supported me in recent tough times! Thank you forever...
A 65 year old Minnesotan.
I work in human services and health care and over the last 10 yrs. Have learned MOST people dont know how to cope with life challenges, bad situations. Most people cope using escapism by shopping, gaming, 'scrolling' or substance use because our society encourages that. If at a community or societal level acknowledged the huge lack of healthy coping skills, we could radically change the world....lets talk about big issues and healthy coping skills in school, workplaces, community workshops, health care appointments, etc. i think my depression was made worse by others brushing off my concerns and worries since i was about 14 years old...ive learned not ro look for valudation from family ir friends. It sucks but it really helped.
This 👆
I love this channel because Dr. Scott says all of the validating things that I wish my friends, family, and past therapists would have told me, along with real actionable steps
Thank you.
I talk to my partner about my feelings when things are awful for myself and those around me. He says stuff like "it's just one of those things ", "it is what it is", " other people have shit lives too". I realise now that is invalidating.
And he probably just wants me to shut up and live in a bubble where I don't think or feel anything deeply, like he does. This makes me feel validated and that I'm not wrong to stuggle in this world.
Exactly!!! It starts with "I don't have the reason to feel this way" to asking yourself "am I making myself feel this way?" But still being unable to believe that why would anyone intentionally make themselve feel so miserable. Then it turns to "you are so weak, you just can't get over this small thing" from trying to find a reason to wondering if I am causing this, to self pitty, to self sabotage...it just goes too fast😅
Yes, well put! Dr. Scott, when we say to ourselves invalidations, or worse 3rd party put-downs…shhhh you have no reason to feel this way, the feeling I loathe has be coveting a reason to have it and snowballs. Thanks for your presentation and thx to all for sharing❤
Yes, i can fully relate to your comment. You’re not on your own with these thoughts ❤
Thank you so much for validating everyone’s feeling that life is depressing and hard. Thank you for the good work! Key takeaway: When you feel too much of the weight of the world and everyone’s pain on your shoulders - you are completely fine for being in pain, for feeling traumatised by the world. Validate these feelings, acknowledge them in your journal and little by little they will make sense and will bother you a little less.
I send all of the best, most powerful and positive vibes out to anyone who is suffering.
Please, never give up hope.
Before the internet came along I lived a life of very little stress my only concerns were keeping my children safe from any danger. So when the internet came along and over the years I unfortunately was exposed to all the things I never new about be it good or bad , I only realised at the age of 67 why I can never get back the peace of mind I use to have growing up in a fairly safe environment when life was basically the same for everyone.
Being exposed to the horror of what some humans do to others has had a bad effect on my once troubled free mind , being the curious person I am I need to understand everything whether it's good or bad and life can never be the same because everything about life has changed so dramatically you can't ignore the reality and it's a ongoing struggle . I'm always looking for buffers to help myself cope, and be the personI want to be regardless of what hurdles I have to over .
I'm looking forward to this topic, for me, life's pain is about navigating grief, not physical pain yet, but that's coming soon, since I'm in my seventh decade.
Invalidating myself just makes a cruel world more cruel. Listening to this, I was able to let myself off the hook for a few seconds at a time. Bam - so much pressure taken off - instantly. I'm listening, teacher. Thank you so much for your wise and compassionate words.
How timely. I was actually saying to myself this morning how hard life is. Like you said, I have always talked to myself about how messed up the world is. And also, I have invalidated my feelings because I know of others who have had it so much worse. This is very helpful because I will now try to validate my feelings more rather than telling myself I shouldn't feel this way. Thank you so much, Dr. Scott.
I have that same "under ground river of pain". Thanks for putting this into words.
This video is genius. Dr Scott is a genius. I feel so guilty for feeling depressed most days. I have a wonderful spouse, I don’t have financial problems, I have good health, etc. My childhood was full of physical abuse and I went through a really bad 1st marriage that lasted over 20 years :( I was in 2 different car accidents (6 years apart) that left me with major PTSD. One was a guy ran a red light and the other one I got rear ended by a guy going 50mph. Every time I’m in a car I’m terrified. I had therapy but it didn’t work. I feel I should be over all this by now so I get mad at myself for feeling bad. I feel better knowing I have permission to validate myself. Thank you Dr Scott!!! I will try and stop beating myself up
I’ve been thinking these thoughts my whole life too. It intensifies so badly when you’re isolated, I remember when friendships helped to push it away.
Oh, this is by far my favourite of your episodes so far (I started at the beginning and am watching up to the present). I too realized very early -- perhaps too early -- that the world was not safe and could never BE safe, and most of my most damaging behaviours came about because I couldn't bear that and couldn't resist looking for ways to make it FEEL safe.
Of course, I didn't find any, because safety and security are ephemeral illusions that cannot bear weight. Secure attachment helps, but you will still lose each other eventually. No one can get around the simple fact of death waiting at the bottom of slope, or the fact that Life in the scientific sense wouldn't work without something fulfilling the function of pain. Being a living thing, any living thing, means hurting and dying. We just have the fairly unique misfortune of REALIZING that, without being any more able to escape it than anything else.
So yeah, it's a pretty raw deal and we SHOULD have all kinds of big feelings about it. Thank you for making space for them.
Wow! What a transparent, genuine, no bullshit, amazing person you are! Yes to everything you said. I agree. This life..This planet.....omg. So challenging. So difficult. Many times I just want to wrap myself in a cuddly blank and hide in the hole of a tree.
This video got me out of bed - finally - at noon. Thank you.
i do believe, like you also mentioned here, that those peeps who are all centered and expressive with joy and ambition, in THIS CRAZY-A*S world, truly must, most likely are, outta touch.. I know we are meant to be bright lights against the darkness, but damn, that legit starts weighing on a person.. so much upset going on for so many people, often finds me sad myself.. it is tough, if you are compassionate to feel joyful in life, knowing such atrocities are befalling others.. even with great faith and hope, these days are very challenging..
Yes I agree with you! It’s like toxic positivity! Nothing wrong with remaining positive but I attend support group for mental illness and I’m often weighed down by how many of them including myself are hurting. When I see homeless people I cry for them bc it’s like why can’t someone just help them. I just hurt for humanity as a whole bc it’s just one of us suffering it’s many of us and it’s hard and it freaking hurts! As u said even with faith it’s a challenge to remain hopeful! 💯🥺❤️
This is the reason I’ve always scoffed at people who think “everything happens for a reason.” It’s their coping mechanism for the randomness and chaos of life, but I can’t snow myself that way.
I'm downloading this video right now so I can listen to your voice anytime/anyplace. Invalidation - uhh, yeah. When I did whatever I did as a kid, my mom would say "you know what I OUGHT to do to you, don't you??" Inches from my face with rage in her eyes. Like yeah, I know verbal, physical, emotional abuse and the endless humiliation really truly aren't enough. I know you're showing saintly restraint by not killing me - I do, and I'm mighty grateful, oh Most Merciful Mutti. Yet every day I tell myself to stop whining. We weren't sexually abused; we never for one minute went hungry; the whole family loved on the dogs - at least there was always one or two "people" in the house who truly loved me. And on and on it goes. So I think WHY won't these thoughts go away?? Everything is fine in the here and now. Mom left the planet many moons ago and I owe the comforts of my physical existence to her and dad. And then I see the title of this video, get a cup of coffee, listen and let it all sink in. Im blown away! I am 71 now and everything you say here is fresh and BEYOND helpful to me - like you are so young and still you understand precisely what it's like to feel this way. I also love other people's comments. So much insight and support. Thank you. 🙏🏻💚🪷
When things get super tough for me, mental health wise, I become much more aware of what I term "the Darkness" -- basically just the potential at any moment that things flip from dream to nightmare. We are so fragile, so vulnerable, just like our connections to each other.
Whoa I invalidate myself constantly yet am almost not aware of it 😮
My best friend's inner pain comes from the damage that we humans do to the planet and all the other species that share the planet with us.
I think this is extremely validating to my point of view that the world is unbelievably hard to stomach. No f ing matter I’m afraid a lot of the time. Although it does matter that I’m afraid a lot of the time. It does matter that I’m depressed so much of the time. How can one not be depressed & afraid & anxious today? Maybe I can get some perspective, now that I’m remembering what I already knew. Thanks for the validation today!
This all makes sense. The worst two parts are 1) when no one around you can understand your feelings, and/or 2) they don't care. For the few things I'm working on, I'm left to connect all the dots on my own from various resources, mostly online material. It's inefficient and slow, but I'm identifying the things that must change. If I could find a good therapist that wasn't booked out six months it would be nice. The last one I talked with I got in, in a pretty short timeframe, but he couldn't pay attention and as a result he was of no use. It is frustrating.
Sometimes our depression and anxiety is misdiagnosed as mental illness when in reality people like this are oftentimes simply seeing life on this planet with a pragmatic sense of realism. Human beings are a fragile race living within a broken world.
Spot on!!
Scott, "ignorance is bliss". Unfortunately or fortunately you are not ignorant because you don't want to be. A curious mind is a rigorous mind. Your sharing your gift. Thank you.
I fully relate!!! Unable to control things out of my control and not fully trusting in my Creator who is in control....
The Buddha recognized that life is suffering & contemplation is the way through suffering. This was revolutionary b/c no one else had addressed this universal truth of human experience. Obviously nothing about our human reality has changed in 2000 years.
I am so glad you addressed that sometimes people fabricate certain things that "happened to them". Not to lie or manipulate, but bcs they feel that is the only way they will be heard. I see this fabrication so much today, and there were many times when I'm very sure I caught my friends fabricating some traumatic stuff happening. Never called them out cause you can't know for certain, but also bcs their feeling would still be the same, with or without that happening, but for "not good enough reasons". It does piss me off sometimes, but it's comforting to know that I'm not crazy in noticing this.
Society is turning virtually everyone into some kind of victim. I find this neauveau diagnoses of C-PTSD a bad trend. I won't undermine having a difficult and traumatic childhood. I had one, but I don't have PTSD from it, and I got tired of various message boards telling me to look into it. Depression and anxiety is enough to deal w/, but not that. Also, people are traumatized victims for all the other stuff. If you're gay, a woman, black, native, trans, a this that or other, you could be a special victim olympics category. It's getting endless.
This video was so validating, honestly. I have a great life and I am grateful for it. But I have a lot many days where I feel like I carry the sorrow of the entire humanity inside of me. Thank you so much for putting what I feel into words.
This is exactly what I think regularly! Glad to hear someone speak on it this way. Sometimes even the dark thoughts of humanity need to be discussed so we as a collective don’t feel alone in these thoughts. Not everything is positive. That’s life! And battling with mental health makes these thoughts for me personally even more overwhelming! I get you! 💯❤️
I’m so thankful I found this channel. It reinforces & resonates so many things for me. I am now 52 years . Lived with cyclical depression and anxiety all my life. Depression isn’t seeing someone crying every day. It’s an actual illness.
It can cripple you when you actually cannot function at all. I’ve lost jobs, relationships, friendships and then when you do have a good day catching up on chores, bills etc it completely drains your energy trying to keep up with the simplest of tasks.
Gone are the days when I call my GP for help, only to be offered more mind altering medication and be left on a waiting list for over 3 years to see someone; who likes to seem to understands mental wellness, when that person has only just graduated from university and has little or zero experience in mental health other than what the text book dictates to them.
Unless you’ve had, still have or going through mental health issues no one should be in the position to preach or practice.
Say it. Just say it. It's true. One crumb of comfort has long been death. Not suicide. But that this miserable game called life, at least in my experience, will end. Its a comfort not a threat. And yes I know some people call life a gift. Good for them. I have a high IQ. I know a lot of things. I have had a life many desire. But this really sucks. I'm so weary of always being in emotional pain. CPTSD, I've read the books, seen the therapists. I know the "reasons." Yet still here it is. Dr. Scott, you are just saying the truth.
Ending is the real gift. An eternity of life in this world would be punishment beyond understanding.
These last 3+ years (since March 2020) has been a HUGE upheaval for me and husband. Learned a lot about myself, politics, other people, so-called friends leaving us and gaining new ones, regulating fear and hate forced upon us by our govt (hi from Canada), and trying to come to some emotional balance and some acceptance during all of it. 12 people (family and friends and acquaintances) died in their sleep or "sudden death", and we have learned to accept everyone is on their own journey, including our only (adult-) child who suddenly turned on her medical decisions that terrify us, and we have to accept she too is on her own journey. Accepting that your only child might die is a hard one to accept. We try not to think about it, but it's on the back burner of our hearts. We have learned how to keep going, with friends, exercise... because... we have to. You described this perfectly, Dr. Scott. People reading, thank you for being kind.
"..the amount of pain I feel about the basic truths of existence.." To finally hear that, that we all face a grim reality regardless of our circumstances has really helped. Thank you.
Compassion and decency are born profoundly from embracing those basic truths of existence, but to be honest, given the choice, I would have preferred to remain ignorant.
That right there sums it all up for me, ne details needed.
For me the worst is the fact that people make the life a lot worse than it could have been. This unnecessary pain and trouble is awful and it is there 24/7 just because. Idk what but there is something sick in humans. Wars, violence - it’s just in our nature.
Yes, I've had to explain to my loved ones many times that sadness is the normal response to the world, and they're the mentally ill ones, not me!
Thank you. I already know that there’s a lot of reasons for my emotional distress. Thanks for the reminder
Thank you for being a voice of validation. It is painful to be invalidated, either by ourselves or by others. I keep saying “there has got to be more to life/living than THIS! Because if this is all there is, how does one continue on!” I’m told to stop being so negative and just enjoy being alive. Obviously by people that have no clue what depression is like. They say, “just snap out of it!” 😩
the worst feeling is that you have no one to express what you are going through and even your parents shut you up.. they dont want you to feel the way you are ACTUALLY feeling BECAUSE they dont want to feel the way they feel when you try to open up about your feelings to them! ✌🏽
Beyond the womb, no environment is ever perfectly attuned to our needs. That is the condition of life - moving through a series of more-or-less badly attuned environments. It’s survivable. Sometimes there are wonderful moments, places, people. But they’re very often accidents, impermanent.
I've learned this lesson recently and I've been meditating with the mantra of saying "ok" to all my thoughts, feelings, and fears, and its been so healing
I think many people who lived in a balanced family and had a balanced experience in social contexts are extremely sensitized towards the cruelty that this world brings. So they absorb so much of that it becomes harder for them to get through the days as they dont comprehend how life or people or the world can be so cruel. They never were over protected, its just that they dont understand the concept of nastiness of the world.
As someone currently grieving my own beloved adopted mom, as her passing anniversary nears. 😪😔😢 This touched me deeply, thank you for your vulnerability & openness to share this. With her passing my whole world seems to have gone dark, I’ve seen the most ugliness come out of both biological and adopted family members.💔 No one could ever love or care for me like my beloved adopted mom did.😪😔😪Grief hurts, the loss of not just my beloved adopted mom but, also biological dad has been extremely devastating & the most painful losses on top of others. 💔😥💔 I feel so orphaned and alone in this oftentimes cruel world, I can’t believe still that it’ll almost be two years since you passed mom. I don’t even think or feel I’ll make it through.😪😰😪The absence & hole is so deep, you’ll always be the mom I never had.😰💔😥 #BrokenHearted
I’m sorry for pain; I also lost both of my parents far to young. My dad died 3 years ago in December. Grief really is cyclical, every year experiencing the loss comes back around.
Existence is traumatic - my life in one statement. Geat times and rotten times but over all I've been blessed but still theres that black river. Thank you so much, friend. This entry has been fabulous.
🥰 "Broken system, fallen world"... hmmm, where have I read this before? 🙏
This spoke volumes to me. I did have trauma in childhood, much less than some, more than others. But I remember this awareness of pain in all different forms, the awareness of others, tons of observation, trying to figure things out, etc. I am a realist and see so much, sometimes instantly, sometimes after turning things over, but I also see and have hope. But I am adamant about not putting my head in the sand.
Premises. Thanks for the talk. It makes sense to catastrophize if those things are really out of control and acutely painful. This is why I think some things counseling can’t help. Take time to nurse your wounds in silence knowing that you have legitimate pain. This too shall pass.
Our brains are So similar! I realised it at 6 also. I’ve felt like chicken little since then. I Really wish we were friends so that we can talk about ‘all of it’. The more I listen, the more I’m hearing myself. And yes, the pain - especially when going into the world - is just So Much. Thank you for talking about this.
Life is traumatic for every human being but the trait of high sensibility makes everything so much amplified in good and bad. It's not going to be a easy life. Despite of all of that, high sensibility is a great gift. Validation for ourselves ❤️ you are a beautiful soul
That kind of thinking you mention is extremely pervasive and so awful, this idea of “what happened to me can’t be so bad after all, others have it so much worse”. If you’ve broken your leg, someone saying “you should be lucky to have a broken leg, some people don’t even have legs, think about that” is not helpful and won’t make your broken leg better.
Sometimes things just suck, sometimes a switch in your brain flips the wrong way and you start becoming depressed without any clear outer cause. And other people having it worse still doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve or need help or support!
What I try to do actively in my life is to do what I can to help and do good things, and I figure that’s all I can do. Sure, doing nice things won’t destroy systematic oppression and so on, but it will make life less awful for the people around me and my hope is that they’re going to do the same in return.
I really appreciate this video, I grew up in a wealthy family and have had an above average life and yet I feel so much existential pain, I even feel guilty for not feeling better. I don't really know what all the pain is connected to, but I think that having the courage to feel it without looking for a solution is so important
I totally agree the world is messed up and there's a lot of reasons to feel depressed. My emotion is validated, and how do I convince myself to continue to exist and function? Apart from thinking of people/pets who love me or religious reasons. This is the question I could not answer my kid
My experience was horrible but, no one actually believed me, primarily because, my mother is a Narcissist and people chose to believe that I was lying about my abuses by her and Believed that I was always the problem. I still can't believe that grown adults would believe that a 10 yr old was responsible for my mother's misery. Letting her off the hook for being responsible for her own life.
SAME! ever since I can remember, I've had this mindset. You are the only other person I've heard with this experience. Thank you ❤❤
My problem is less about validation and more about Life itself.
Since existence is so messed up, I fail to see any worth in living.
Dr. Scott, you helped me so much today. Thank you. My perspective is that I do have hard things in my life that hurt, and I don't need to feel guilty or be obsessed with fixing myself because I do hurt. I loved what you said about self-validation because of something I'm going through where I have been struggling in an effort to get the validation I needed. You have given me the permission to say that how I feel makes sense, even if others don't get it. Self-invalidation doesn't work because as you said, the feelings remain. Not only that, you now have the pressure of guilt for being wrong and rumination to try to find some reasonable justification for why you feel the way you do.
You were wondering why you feel this way about life. Well, I think some of us are extra bright and perceptive and this leads to our increased depth and consequently pain. We feel deeply for what is, and what should be.
Thank you for shining light into my experience. Bad things do happen, seemingly out of nowhere, and it's OK that we hurt for that.
thank you! I've been struggling with this a lot lately, not understanding how to just go about life without thinking everything could fall apart at any minute.
I was just writing before about Iife and how scary it is living when so many things go wrong all around the world. I hear what you are saying. I feel this... But near the start of the video, you say about comparing your life to others. Well, everyone has gone through stuff that has affected differently, but you can't say that someone else life is worse than yours that isn't fair on you. Everyone deals with things differently. I love your channel. I only found it yesterday and am already answering some of the questions you ask us veiwers to ask about our lives.
I relate to this-thank you so much. By the way, your book is brilliant and it changed my life. It made life make sense in a way that no one else has been able to articulate and was incredibly validating❤️
I’m glad I saw your comment, I was on the fence about buying his book but I will now 👍🏻
@@AmyInArizona It's worth every penny😊
Thank you so much for saying that ❤️
I think the toxic positive approach so many people gloam onto as part of wellness culture has so much to answer for. And have lots of friends/connections who have a deep belief /coach others in magical thinking, esoteric, psuedo spiritual, reiki/ energy healing. It has its place i get it, but people believing they are psychic mediums and the animals/world around them are showing up FOR THEM as messengers..... the world and universe is so full of miracles and wonder without needing to think up more
It's weird. Because I've had a really messed up life I assumed that the feelings I have about the world and its problems stem from my trauma. But as I heal from some of those issues, the problems don't seem to go away. What you're saying makes this make sense. I'm glad that I healed, but somehow my trauma masked the reality of the world. Now that I'm not seeing everything through that lens, I'm shocked at what's out there. It's almost as if my trauma protected me from reality. It's a bit depressing, because I always thought that if I healed my trauma wounds, everything in my life would turn around. I've worked hard the past 2 years to learn to accept myself and not be too critical, to live with my past, but now I see that the world is very messed up and will be regardless of how much work I put into myself. I'm not sure that the acceptance I had sought is really something that I want anymore.
Thank you! I'm not inherently more miserable than people around me, but existence is conceptually a pain lol somebody finally says it!
Even though I know on an intellectual level that I've suffered childhood abuse and trauma in adulthood, I can't connect it to my lifetime of depression and anxiety, mentally or emotionally, as the cause of it. My pain JUST IS. I wish I could understand why.
Thank you for this. I seldom get legit validation for my feelings outside therapist's office. As much as i love my family, and i assume they love me, i cannot trust them with any emotions that aren't happy because of invalidation of my feelings. Even my husband invalidates my emotions. I know we are in a good place in our life, but i still feel heaviness in my heart. I have no one i can share my feelings with and i don't trust anyone, not even myself most times, with my heavy emotions. It's hard to say to myself "don't give up" because i so much want to just quit trying. I keep my feelings locked inside so my loved ones won't be burdened. And they wonder why i don't talk much.
So... yeah. thanks for making this video because you said out loud what i needed to hear.
This is a great thing to remind yourself, when everything just seems like it's too much. This knowledge came to me when I was in college, taking a Psych 101 class. The professor said that there have been studies that say that people with depression make more accurate predictions than optimists. And I, with depression and anxiety, thought "Well, yeah. That's cause we KNOW the world sucks." I spent a LOT of my childhood broken down about the possibility of sexual harassment and abuse. My childhood was f***ed up because I KNEW too much about how the world actually is, and I actually wanted a lobotomy so that I could forget it.
i really apreciate you being honest and real
i hope your channel get more succes cuz you deserve it
My heartfelt thanks to you!.
Perfect timing.
i needed to hear this so bad. the part about fabricating trauma to justify yourself and your emotions, reactions, etc unlocked memories i had totally buried.
Thanks! I resonated with your thoughts. About 40 yrs ago I was explaining to a councilor why I think I had depression. When I was done he told me that I had had a hard life and I had a reason to feel bad. I felt like a weight had been lifted. He got me. Most everyone says you shouldn't have a victim attitude. Think of yourself as a survivor. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I got validation from him and it helped me immensely.
I’m glad you found a good one
Why I "constantly have this underground river of pain running through my mind". That is an excellent description of it. This video is great. Your comments about validation\ invalidation from ourselves or others are so important.
I have been recently diagnosed with C-PTSD (parental abuse and neglect, all types), living with SI since my teens, multiple attempts through the years (I'm 53), still coming out of a long depressive episode. I am in therapy and on medication. But I learned that, feeling the same way as you do, is a sign of a highly empathetic person. That is a good thing most of the time, other times, it is overwhelming. Thank you for your YT podcast. You have helped me look at my issues in a different way than any other therapist has, and I am using your episodes as additional help for me. Keep going, you're awesome!!!
Scott, your great talent is articulating these things, putting it into understandable words. Add to that, the compassion born of life experience, makes you such a valuable resource.
This is realistic. I worked out many years ago that 1) there are more guarantees in life, 2) life is about showing up, putting one foot in front of the other and 3) I value the learned skill of resilience above most others. The cult of self esteem has waylaid realistic discussion. Resilience, the ability to (eventually) to get up and keep going, will make life work.
Yes, I’ve thought a lot of the same things. Thanks for talking about these thoughts and feelings.
Dr Scott, thank you for your genuine, authentic self. I am pretty sure everything you said in this video is spot on. It resonated with me. Even the part about thinking about death from a young age. My parents would "reassure" me with, "We're not going to die".
Normal, every day is tough emotions. To have some sense of, joy, happiness, peace, calm, takes building skills every day for a lifetime and knowing you will also always be feeling the sadness and the fear. It a dialectic. One must accept and lean into the suffering and be ok with all it is to be human.
i am absolutely beside myself by how grievous, how traumatic and treacherous this world is… as well as my own tiny, stupid life was/is… i am absolutely shattered..
I work at giving myself the same grace I would give anyone else instead of holding myself to a "higher" standard because "I should know better ". Empathy is my super power but there's a cost. And pain is pain so comparing mine to yours is illogical. I've always tried to memorize my pain so I can use it to help others. When my mom died, there was this moment after everything was done and it felt like the world just moved on.... but my mom was still dead. Being able to use my experiences to validate others takes some of the darkness out of pain. And being able to laugh at the absurdity of it all. I married my first husband on my second husband's birthday and finalized our divorce on my third husband's birthday. I did not plan this.
Thanks for expressing, so eloquently, how I and many others feel and creating such a warm, welcoming space where we can get a little respite from ourselves. May you find many moments of unexpected joy and laughter!
I can’t count how many of these videos I’ve forwarded to my teen trying to navigate her anxiety and depression. Nuggets of truth and validation all the way! Being a child of an alcoholic, I’ve had to find ways to heal my depression while teaching her how. Thanks for validating me that it really takes a village.
The acknowledgement that “Life is suffering” is the core basis of Buddhism. I’m not into “religion” but I think people have been aware of this general fact of our existence for thousands of years and have been looking for ways to deal with it for just as long.
Today is the 1 yr anniversary of the death of my councillor.
(Found out about 3 months ago that he passed. So it doesn’t feel like a year it feels as though it just happened)
I miss him and his help terribly
Thank you for reminding me of things he has taught me over the years.
Your videos are so validating and comforting.