Self Care is a Scam
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- Опубліковано 14 лют 2024
- The American concept of "self care" is actually leaving you worse off.
The pursuit of self care as a product or experience misses the fundamental elements of actual self care that we truly need.
I'm going to breakdown what actual self care is, and how you can practice it in practical, daily ways that will improve your life significantly.
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Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client.
But I do care.
For me, self care is nutrition, sleep, exercise, meditation.
I like cookies 🍪
Same
Exactly what I was thinking :)
Yes agree
For me, it’s playing guitar
When you break them down, a lot of advertisements are like: "Experiencing a common human emotion? Respond by buying [product]."
Maslow's Hierarchy was taught in a college marketing class that I took many years ago
Good concise observation
In the book Generation X, Douglas Coupland said advertising creates an anxiety and convinces you you can relieve it by purchasing something.
I notice a lot of them use the word "control"
This is honestly dystopic
I did not think of a bubble bath. Being in the recovery community, I have learned that self-care is often uncomfortable. Learning to set boundaries, for example, is self-care.
Absolutely
Good one. That was super painful for me to learn too, but on the flipside I have SO MUCH PEACE NOW ❤
🙌🏼 🙌🏼 🙌🏼
Totally agree. Also, learning to steer clear of people who are being disrespectful and disregard/keep trying to push those healthy boundaries...is self-care.
Also in recovery 🙏, so proud of you, keep on the path 😊
It's not just America. It happens over here in Europe as well. The rat race, people getting burn-out, because we've forgotten about our most basic needs. Driven by money, talked into consumerism... Let's try to be grateful for a good nights sleep, a healty meal, time alone, just the simple things. Thanks for the reminder.
Cuddling with the babies, the kitties and the puppies we are so blessed to have these moments ❤
So well-put! Absolutely spot-on.
I noticed a lot of people here. Don’t take care of their house to where it’s clean and neat so that it’s peaceful for them… they also fill it with all the consumerism materialistic junk so there’s so much stuff around them they don’t realize that is what’s causing them to be stressful and need a vacation.
Once I started decluttering my house and getting rid of all the useless things I didn’t need that I was told I needed…. it’s slowly becoming more peaceful and easier to maintain both the cleanliness and my stress levels.
I think a lot of our getting out of your feelings are really a mixed up signal of our body wanted to get away from the mess we’ve caused in our own homes, and thus our own lives .
Didn't need it.
@Jaxmusicgal23Exactly.
Logically my brain is shocked that I have so much care for others that I don't have for myself.
Sweetie, from the time we come into this world we’re told to, “put others first”. Thing is, they never told us, once you’ve given all, you can’t give from an empty vessel. Like oxygen on a plane, put yours on before helping others. We have to replenish ours as we move forward in order to give and/or do for others.
Plz go and take care of yourself, you deserve it ❤
The world doesn't offer much to be excited about. That's why it's easier to care for others than yourself.
same
When you care for others you don't have to think about yourself and you can run from your own problems during that time I guess...
The thing is sometimes helping others gives you insights on how to eventually help yourself so it's not always a full negative ^^'
My self-care days are literally doing for myself what id do for someone else as a carer. Do the laundry (especially also all bedding), clean, cook a few extra frozen weekday meals, basically reset my household. Because I know when i have a rough day or week, those are the things that could save me from falling into a really bad depression.
That is very insightful. Self-care, actualized.
Same for me, putting my surroundings in order brings me balance ( I’m not a carer)
True. I will 100% feel better after doing something I’ve put off as opposed to falling into the trap of procrastination.
@@hankochaiit's also useful because then you have that safety net you need when you're depressed. And of course it doesn't cost much which is a huge positive to me.
That's really good!🫶
Sleeping. Reading a book. Walking the half hour from work to the train station instead of taking the bus.cuddling with my children on the sofa, reading to them. Napping with my purring cat on my tummy. Also: slamming door into toxic people's faces. Speaking to my friends. Being a person.
😊well done, go you lol
You are not a person, you are a human, a persona is a mask a legal identity. Literally
Sounds good
Self care is also caring for others and animals. It's called service. Dr. Shiva Ayadurai created technology that helps eliminate animal testing. Dr. Shiva is the ONLY Presidential candidate who competent enough to explain this kind of science and invent it.
@@MM-qp4pd i agree! Reading to my children. Brushing their hair...helping the youngest wash their hair, get dressed in the morning, cuddle the cats, feed the cats, play with the cats (or even the stray cat at the train station)...all self care.
For me self-care is sometimes doing the hard stuff like budgeting and paying bills to remove that as a source of stress. Then its exercise of some sort, eating healthy and trying to make my environment less stressful
I took a few days of vacation. My co-workers only question, "are you doing something fun". I said am feeling run down and planned to sleep a lot. And the common response, "that is a waste of vacation days". I love your caretaker analogy. I cared for my grandpa for sometime when he got older. When I look at how I treat myself and ask would I have treated him this way - it's a shocking reality check at my lack of physical care.
I used to tell them...I'm doing as much nothing as I can squeeze into my vacation time..
This is what I say and people tell me I’m crazy!! Thank you for pointing this out and letting me know I’m not alone. Sometimes I get burnt out and tell people I’m spending a lot of my day of sleeping. They want to go get their nails done, etc. But I’m also ttc and doing IVF after 2 miscarriages, so keeping myself as (truly) healthy as I can is so important. I’m sorry that they don’t see it the same way and that I don’t want to spend my days off doing that, but I’ve learned to set boundaries and say this is what I need.
Also I’m shocked anyway at the difference in how I’ve approached “self care” of myself Vs others. I’ve been an ER trauma tech, a regular patient care tech, etc prior to med school. I took care of my mom after her quadruple bypass. Instead of cooking a healthy meal for myself or going to bed early, I feel obligated to spend time talking to a friend. That’s not a bad thing. But people prioritize socializing. My social battery runs low quickly. And I’d rather get a full meal and a good sleep or a longer walk w my dog than stay up talking. My life may look like I don’t do much self care at all in following his video; but it is quite the opposite. The caretaker was a great metaphor.
I actually wish I could enjoy vacation days...
It's best to say nothing to them. It is really none of their business.
When I tell people I feel lonely and need social connection, a lot of the time they suggest fun events and outings. That's great and all, but I need people to connect with on a more fundamental level. I could do chores with people, and it could be a satisfying social connection. I think "social", and "fun" have been paired together in people's minds where they cannot separate the 2, though they are 2 separate things. Of course, there is plenty of overlap, but a lot of that comes from the satisfaction of having human connection and getting a basic need met which then feels "fun".
Exactly what I am experiencing. I have a lack of mental health support from others. It’s hard to self care my own loneliness.
I think “human connection” is the key phrase here. Getting out with people just isn’t the same as having that connection with someone. When that’s lacking, life can feel empty.
Precisely! I happily go cleaning or working in the garden when it’s with somebody. And it can be as much fun as having a party, perhaps even more, because it’s quiet and more personal. As a child I struggled to explain that to my mom. I was supposed to do the chores by myself, which felt so boring to me. But when we did the same work together, I had no troubles with it and was even happy to do so. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who enjoys working if it means a satisfying human connection :-)
It is hard to have a connection with a person when you socialize in crowds. The only time my husband would socialize is when we were with about 3 or more other couples in a party like setting. I remember when I was single and my Dad would come to visit. He would bring the paper, sit down and talk with me about his thoughts on the news stories and I tell him my thoughts....and those times were so special.
So true. Most people are shut off more than ever. It's really hard to find people who are capable of connecting from the heart rather than the mind.
This is exactly what i told to my brother when he said that i should take a vacation outside of town for a whole week when i just had an acute episode of Depression due to Depression-Anxiety Disorder.
How the hell can one who is within recovery period of an acute episode, be enjoy himself with vacation?
I told him like, "I don't need vacation. I don't even have the energy and will to arrange for such. What i need right now is to take my medication, avoid any unnecessary things that may trigger or worsen the episode, good rest for my psychological condition during recovery, and some time to recover."
Hey, have you researched amino acids > Julia Ross - The Mood Cure. It might be helpful for your self-care. All the best!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who had this thought. I thought there was something wrong with me or I sounded like a spoiled brat. When I'm really low, I mostly need proper rest, good hygiene, sometimes a quick walk or doing exercises in VR, music playing and making myself a simple lunch or dinner. Vacationing can be stressful and overwhelming.
I feel that on a soul level. Many times I have wanted to go on a vacation to recharge, but I just get so anxious with trying to do all the planning. I'm better off spending a day at the park, getting fresh air and exercise, talking with my loved ones, maybe taking a day trip to a state park, etc. Being simple recharges me a lot more than something big. I tried the digital nomad thing. It was fun but really isolating. Just made my mental health so much worse. Influencers are really making the concept of self-care murky.
To care for someone to that extent, like a child or relative, means you believe they have intrinsic value. It usually means you love them. If you have low self esteem or have been raised to believe you aren’t worthwhile, caring for yourself becomes drudgery at best, impossible at worst. That’s when the only things you have left are the small dopamine hits you get from your wants, or treats, or food/ alcohol/shopping/sports/movies: whatever.
I really started getting uncomfortable when you said I deserve to have my needs met. That’s a big ask for some of us - maybe you used to feel that way too? It’s a paradigm shift to start seeing yourself as someone valuable or lovable.
I appreciate your work, thank you for sharing your insights.
Please watch my video on healing your relationship with yourself and maybe also my video on not caring what happens to you
I'm only alive to not upset my son. No support system. Family scapegoat. I just can't care about myself or seem to get help. I'm so numb 😶
@@rainnghell3683I’m so sorry to hear how much you are struggling.
If you can’t do it for yourself yet as you can work toward doing it for yourself, please do it for your son. You deserve it!! I know how hard it can be.. scapegoat, no child or partner and no other family as well.
I struggle too and here you so much in how hard it is to stay here, on Earth. 🫂
What I learned from schema therapy is that in contrary to when you were a child as an adult you actually *do* have cognitive capabilities and capacity to understand what's bad for you, why and what to do. If not you can learn them by going to therapy, for instance. As a child you couldn't do that and traumatizing events were resolved by your child version in ways which are unhealthy, but you were a child and you can't blame yourself. Since trauma is timeless this means that when bad stuff happens it makes you feel a certain way and that is the little child inside of you, which is angry or hurt etc. We like/prefer to deny this fundamental aspect of our inner being, to believe we can intellectually work around this or, like I hear so many times "I'm not a child anymore, I'm an adult" (well why do you respond like a hurt child then in situation A, B and C??). It's almost delusional. Anyway, I digress. The way I understand the 'caretaker' role is the role of an adult from schema therapy. The role where you take care of the child version inside of you who is still pulling the strings on the way situations make you feel and how you respond to or act on it if you're not aware of your schemas. Taking care of yourself means looking at what your inner child needs and be compassionate. It takes a LOT of practice on self-awareness, identifying what's happening, why, what you want/need (the Maslow part), to not judge (yourself) and act/ACT on it, but in the end it's worth it.
@@MartinH81 I self-soothed that little child inside of me who was traumatized. I held her and loved her, told her I knew it hurt, I was sorry for what happened to her. I apologized to her for not knowing then what I know now. She feels better… I feel better as an adult now. In fact, last night I caught myself, telling myself, life ain’t been so bad… Scary-Strange.!.!.!
The advertised self-care can also be used as a form of escapism.
As a live-in caregiver, would be dead without escapism. Every afternoon for a few hours I hide in my room with my screens and disengage.
I've been like that my whole life. It makes me depressed and because I get depressed from it I escape again. I've been getting help from a good therapist recently and starting with motivation on the weekends first.
It's easy to resort to escapism, especially when it's not possible to meet your basic needs. It's going to be years before I can be financially stable, so what can I do in the mean time but try to avoid thinking about it.
Self care to me is getting out in nature and hunting rocks for a day. I always feel better, especially if I've gone somewhere new or physically challenged myself.
You can hunt rocks? Bow or shotgun? And aren't they already dead anyway?
For me, self care is going outside, playing with my pets or drawing in my sketchbook. Going somewhere expensive is just going to add stress when the bill comes. I always tell myself to "keep it simple".
This is such an important topic. Self care has been scammed into involving purchases and decadence of some kind.
It's sad, since legitimate self care is so vital.
I think I love you!!! A few years ago it hit me…. Back in the 30’s the powers that be decided they wanted to make us a consumer society… they’ve done an excellent job!!
Buy that new outfit, it’ll make you happy….
Buy that new watch, it’ll make you happy….
New Game…
New car…
New house…
New furniture…
Electronics… Whatever… You get a feel good hormone dump, the new wears off… You look in the mirror one day and say to yourself, “why can’t I ever be happy?”. You go to the doctor, tell him , “Nothing makes me happy”… He hands you a prescription and says, “Here, take this, it’ll make you happy.”
I've only seen people think like this when they're bored with everything they've achieved and don't know what to do next. Everyone else is thinking, "How am I going to pay my rent?"
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt That's because we're at the 🚬 end of the consumerist society, where only a few people get to live that lifestyle, either by living in a still prosperous island like the Sun Belt, Nordic countries, Switzerland or the upper Midwest, or by being so rich that they can ignore the problems and move to one of their mini-Denmarks in the inner suburbs of a falling apart city (looking at you, Atherton, CA and Westchester County, NY).
There was a time (as late as 2007) when just about everyone in the Western world from 15 to 50 was living the lifestyle of conspicuous consumption, casual sex, rinse and repeat. And they enjoyed it. Now for pretty much everyone outside that age range that wasn't rich it was a dystopia, but the bulk of the population really did enjoy the consumerist lifestyle, and they didn't really care that it was fragile and that they had all of these payments / debt / rent that could balloon and destroy them. Because it was all they had ever known.
Nowadays, we're dealing with the consequences of that party, whether at the level of governments overwhelmed with debt, economies that are so starved of new ideas and fresh blood (because of all the childhood trauma) that they have lost their ability to grow efficiently, ecosystems overwhelmed by the big, dumb activities of people desperately trying to grow an economy that refuses to budge, and the only group of people that actually prospered were the parasites feeding off of the decline by exploiting the powerless armies of underskilled and overwhelmed workers.
And so that leaves those of us that were alive at the time, and to the whole society, was it really worth it? The GAP and Victoria Secret clothing? The cheap fast food and movies? The cheap, short term development that was meant to last 15 years? The wide, overbuilt streets? The enormous amount of easy casual sex? Was it worth it? Was it worth the devastation? Where is all that pleasure and easy money now, now that we have a bankrupt economy and bankrupt environment? I hope it was worth it 🙃💣...
@@mobilityproject3485wtf does sex have to do with it? You must not be getting laid and are angry.
mobility project 3485, not to mention a “morally bankrupt” society too. But that time bomb started ticking about 1968
@@BarbaraM-lv7pe It started in the mid 60s or so but continued to worsen and worsen and worsen all the way to the end of the housing bubble...
A year ago I started a discovery process trying to figure out what self care actually is. I was confused, because everyone seemed to be telling me that self care meant being gentle with myself, to the point of lying around eating Cheetos and binging Netflix. While that seemed pretty appealing, it didn't seem like it was moving me toward a better future for myself. The more I dug into it, the more it seemed like I was going to have to grow up and become the adult in my own life (basically my inner five-year-old is in charge of way too many decisions), which has been both terrifying and liberating. And I'll say to anyone reading this: real self care can seem daunting, but it is SO worth it - just the increase in energy and mood alone are total game changers. ❤
You are too all or nothing in this. Self care can be eating Cheetos and binging Netflix. But it can also be self harm. Look at it like water. You HAVE to have water to survive, but if you drink too much, it will also kill you.
wow i resonate with this deeply.
This was helpful to hear. I lack energy on a daily basis and so much of self care sounds exhausting. But hearing that it will increase my energy and make me feel liberated rather than exhausted is very reassuring.
@@Cocoanutty0 yeah that's actually something that Dr Scott emphasized in a previous video - investing your time and energy into things that will increase your energy. Exercise and better sleep were game-changing for me. Not only increased energy overall, but a definite improvement in mental clarity.
@@ripple_on_the_ocean I have been totally neglecting myself all my life without realizing it.
And when I heard about self care, I always thought it's just a marketing thing aimed at women, and that real men shouldn't need self care, they just function and execute like a machine.
At least that's how men seem to be objectified, that's the ideal.
But I realized, even machines need care and maintenance and will fall apart when not taken care of.
What's the difference between self care and reparenting yourself?
As a latchkey kid, I was raised by television, television was my companion and my comfort. TV is not a desire for me, it is an essential part of my life. My small televison is always on and it makes me feel secure. People don't really understand that kind of need, but it is real. P.S.: I had to watch this cast twice already! Thank you for this.
That is so interesting. I feel the same way. I'm not addicted to the TV...but it is comforting to me.
If TV is what you feel is needed then I believe any tool can still serve a person. I have my ‘vices’ and if you really listen to yourself you can feel when it’s just an escapism or when it actually does feel fulfilling. I was latchkey too, my overactive imagination took over, it’s great in some ways but I’m still prone to going down fantasy road. Also being a latchkey kid had its ups, i learned to be independent, the way my friends have to hover over their children now, would’ve given me anxiety.
This is exactly how I feel, too! I've never heard anyone else say this, but yes, I keep it on all the time, kinda quiet, and tune in and out as I need a human voice throughout the day. I never said it right out before. No way am I going outside to "socialize", I've had enough.
This is me exactly too! I have it on all the time but often muted. It's been such a comfort to me since I was a very small child left alone too much.
I definitely have comfort shows that make me feel really calm and relaxed because I know what's going to happen.
People forget financial health is self care, we spend so much money on things that are labelled "self care" and we get into debt for them .. Spa days, retreats, sound baths etc ... all lovely but we don't need them.. but what we do need is to make sure we cam meet our basic needs by having enough money to pay for them such as warmth and shelter .. thank you for your perspective
I just realized this I was spending so much money on useless things eating out because of laziness of cooking.
@@ngeee10 that was me also .. I was astounded when I took my head out of the sand and looked at it.
Honestly, the very first thing I thought of was a long walk in the woods.
the best kind of self care!!
I am trying to work more time in nature in my routine.
I can relate to this. For me it's just spending time by myself watching podcasts or chatting to friends on discord or messenger.
Self care for me would simply be doing all of the things that I procrastinate or neglect. I'm struggling to have a routine at all lately so it'd feel really great to have that again.
I fled an abusive marriage and was cast out of my own family so I am all alone. My 2 best friends died. I am having a hard time getting a sleep routine. I wake up every 2 hours on the button. I end up getting up around 3am because I can no longer sleep. I try to get in bed around 9pm but my body won't get in to a healthy sleep cycle!!
@@l.5832 oh no! I'm so sorry 😔💗 I really hope everything gets better for you! I can't imagine what you're going through.
Crappy Childhood Fairy has a few good videos on this. It is part of trauma response when you are in a "freeze". There are techniques and strategies that can help! All the best to you!❤
@@cmac6992 thank you 💗
I hear you loud and clear! Good luck!
My horses! I feel TOTALLY HEALED and at PEACE spiritually when I am out in the desert riding my horse.!
It is my dream to ride again! Amazing that you can experience full health, freedom and peace with your horses!
My beef with the concept of "self care" is that it's often used as a tool to blame people (especially women) for the problems in their lives. Often the attitude people (especially women) get from others is "The reason you are burnt out and overwhelmed is your fault. You are failing to exert even more time and energy you don't have on self care which would fix the problem. Your problems are entirely self-inflicted because you won't do self care" And that is the real crux - self care is often just one more thing people (especially women) are are expected to do that they are "failing" at and feeling guilty for not doing.
Often we don't need self-care. We need community care. When I was in the height of some really bad years and was completely overwhelmed, I didn't need to spend time and energy I didn't have on yoga or take up a hobby or do meal prep. What I really needed was someone to volunteer to come mow my lawn once a month. Or bring dinner over for me. Or offer to drop my laundry off at the laundromat. Or do something ANYTHING to try to take a burden off my shoulders. Instead, what I got was demands to do more "self care" as if my problem was that I simply wasn't doing enough and adding more to my schedule would fix the problem.
i know i don't treat myself well, but picturing me 'caring' for someone else the way i do for me... yikes.
I agree with what you've said 100% - there was a time I was soending hundreds of dollars on stupid materiel things (make up, skin care etc) desperately trying to practice self care and find the thing that would make me all better - instead of focusing on my mental and physical health which was definitely lacking and my needs were NOT met.
I still probably spend too much on skin care 😬
@@DrScottEilers Don't we all 😩😬😵💫
@@DrScottEilers Well one can immediately tell so there's that 😀👌
I feel ya! This one is sticky because I have a goal to improve my skin health due to neglectful, skin picking stims resulting from poor mental health.
I am just trying to do the basics like not going to sleep with makeup on and no moisturizer. No brainer stuff, right? Not for me because I did not care about it.
Balance is key. :)
I agree with everything you've said. When I talk to my therapist, one of the things we talk about is genuine self-care.
For me, self care is taking a shower, washing my face, getting dressed. When I'm having a depressive episode, basic hygiene is a real struggle. Just getting myself out of bed is a form of self care in extreme cases.
I'm in a good place now, but it's been a struggle to get here.
I don't know how long this will last, so I'll do what I can to prepare for my next fall.
Self care is also caring for others and animals. What you do to others you to yourself. It's called service. Dr. Shiva Ayadurai created technology that helps eliminate animal testing. Dr. Shiva is the ONLY Presidential candidate who competent enough to explain this kind of science and invent it.
In the same boat, for these situations I think people don't think about the financial investment. It's far easier to remove that when you talk about self care in terms of making extra meals or laundry to set yourself up for the week. But with struggling to take care of your appearance, setting yourself up for success will usually involve an amount of "consumerism". During years of trying to deal with depression one of the things I noticed is getting regular hair cuts. I like myself more with short hair, but also if I let my hair get long I will start dreading washing and drying it and it will start negatively impacting my hygiene overall and my mental health. Not to mention it makes me look more put together which positively impacts how others see me (job for example) and I feel better about my confidence. You could say haircuts are just frivolous consumerism, but it's something that sets me up for success when I'm having a bad week because it's much easier to spend 5-10minutes washing and drying my hair than 20-30.
I understand what you're saying. But when someone's been at the bottom of that hierarchy and nothing is working, the simple relief from watching TV can help you get from day to day. The stress is enormous. I went through a very difficult depression in 2014. I'd lost 2 sources of income (among other difficulties that year) and had trouble finding work. At the time, Friends was on almost constantly. Having been a fan, it was "comfort food" and it made me laugh. Yes, I watched what some might say was 'too much,' but I'm glad I did. It is true, of course, that getting rest and healthy food are essentials. But sometimes we need to remove ourselves from a situation, even if only mentally, to keep ourselves from being overcome by the stress of it. Since then, I've been surprised to hear of others who also were helped in coping with depression by watching Friends. It didn't remove the depression, but it helped them cope with it just as it helped me.
Thats just called having a hobby. Watching TV is not self care.
@@TheodoreChin-ih7xz Speak for yourself.
It might sound strange but I think it might be a form of practicing mindfulness in depression. When I started doing this intentionally in therapy, I often felt like I was just practicing avoidance. But for depression they were invaluable moments to help my brain learn that even though I feel like crap and have problems there can still be these moments where I can feel ok or even sparks of joy. Just lying in bed focusing on my cats purring and her face and fur was sometimes one of these moments. They didn't solve my stressors but they absolutely helped me remember that there's more to me and to life then just feeling stressed and miserable.
My immediate answer was shower, sleep, food. That tells you where I’m at 😅 But it’s why I get frustrated when friends suggest luxury solutions to get me out of my slump. And I have to try to explain my No. I look forward to these things soon but they’ll be more torture than fun in the meantime. Thank you for talking about this.
You make self care sound so puritanical. Fun and joy is also a need not a want. I agree that the commercialization of “self care” is a huge problem. It sounds more like you are saying that we confuse self care with avoidant behavior. I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with being a sports fan as part of your identity if it brings you joy and meaning. The caveat being that it should not be used as a substitute or avoidance for attending to other lower level needs.
You just said what he pretty much said 🤷🏼♀️🤔
Every word you said made perfect sense to me. 'Self care' is just another marketing scheme. The companies have to create a 'need' and then offer to fulfill it. That's the bases of industrialized world where production far exceeds consumption.
I can’t remember what video brought me to your channel, but I am so grateful to be here! I absolutely loved your take on this concept. I am a very busy mom. I work full time and I had my kids at 40 and 45 so I am just feeling very old and tired. I decided at the start of this month to just really focus on sleep and taking my vitamins. Simple things, really. But somehow hard also. It’s easy to want to stay up late and “treat yourself” when it seems like the only alone time I can get. Lately I have been treating myself by going to bed as soon as possible and not staring at my phone right before. It has made a world of difference in my energy level and my mental health. I am definitely going to expand that concept to other areas of true self care.
My daughter had her children late. She is now 50 and still looking after young children, the youngest who are twins. She works 2 days a week, does school runs and what-not, takes care of a house and is totally worn out. So she naps when she can or stays up late on weekends to watch a movie, but always with the kids and her husband. These are her treats.
I'm a mom, emt, firefighter, and caregiver and get burnout. I'm an introvert. My self care might be taking it easy/relaxing, doing an at-home "spa" day, reading or watching a movie, playing with my cats and dogs, just low-key stuff. Sometimes it's getting out of the house and going for a walk, being in nature, going for a drive, things like that. Sometimes it's connecting with a friend for a day out. I also take the opportunity to follow my interests. Whatever I feel will fill and recharge my soul at the moment. I have also learned to not feel guilty or selfish for taking much needed time for self care.
Thank you so much. After spending 10 years taking care of my husband who had kidney failure and was on Dialysis, I am burned out. You are the only person in the medical community that cares. I was around so many greedy heartless doctors it made me put my self last. I really needed this reminder to eat well and try to go to sleep earlier. Try to Love myself more by giving myself a break. Just being kind to myself. I am doing the best I can and that is enough. Thank you again.
Relatable! I took care of mine, also an ESRD patient, for 14 years until he died IDEK how I'm still here.😢
❤ " being kind to myself" IS self care. Not doing what's harmful to your body, mind and spirit... , avoiding self neglect, and taking care of your precious self- body, mind and sole by nurturing them.
I don't know where you live or if your husband is on Medicaid, but I know some states have respite programs for caregivers. They will provide someone to come for an afternoon so you can take care or yourself and some states even have overnight respite. If you are in the US, contact your local Area Agency on Aging, if they can't help you, they can point you to someone who can. Good luck.
You found them (us) out. Medical professionals almost all don't care. It's not their job to care. Their job is to understand your body, its malfunctions and cures. And, essentially, to do no harm. That's difficult enough.
The sort of care you or I really need is not for sale in a hospital, or anywhere. It comes from someone's heart.
@@theon9575💚
Ngl when you said "your relationship with your self is the exact same as your relationship with other people" my heart started racing because I realize I don't have a very good relationship with myself. I definitely need to take better care of myself. ACTUAL care of myself. Not grasping for basic in the moment comfort that doesn't actual help the root of my problems which is some of my needs aren't being met.
I think self-care is a very individualized experience. I've always been pretty good at making myself work hard, eat healthy, exercise, etc. Maybe too good, because I have perfectionist tendencies and can be very hard on myself. But as someone who desperately needed to learn self-compassion, learning to nurture myself and give myself have nice things is absolutely self care and was a skill I needed to learn. So for me personally, I would often put what you describe as "desires" in the self-esteem level of needs, but sometimes even in the physiological level because sometimes something like sitting down to watch TV is rest.
I was this person for a long time, I didn't learn these things on time and fully spiralled into severe depression, anxiety and burn out. Now I'm learning and practicing both. Learning how to listen to myself and push myself to work hard, workout etc. again but through compassion, forgiveness and being gentle with myself instead of the standard of shutting my needs and wants off and just do it.
The way you explain meeting wants at the expense of basic needs makes so much sense. Friends would have me believe that if I'm stressed, it's because I need to go out clubbing, have a drink, have fun, and then sleep until 10 am the next day. People look dumbfounded when I say I wake up at 5:30 am even after drinking. It's what my body is used to doing 5 days a week. Prioritizing sleep is critical to everything else in the hierarchy. Self care means listening to how my body and mind truly feel, and adjusting my behaviors as needed.
I often neglect my nutrition and eat a child’s favorite foods as meals.
Thank you for telling me I deserve better.
Gardening, cooking, napping with dog, stretching routine~ my daily self-care.
Ye, self care vs self pleasuring. Give yourself time to sleep, eat, talk to other people, and work vs give yourself money to spend, time to eat emotional binge food, etc.
Love this point about leisure being a distraction. I catch myself doing this all the time when I’m run down.
For me it would be rest, nutrition, exercise. Just looking out for myself. Basic
Thank you for this. I’ve been taking care of my husband for about eight months now. We didn’t know his diagnosis at the time he came down ill but a couple of months after his first hospital stay we were told he had advanced prostate cancer.
Apart from a few member of the palliative care team who swarmed around us when he first started his treatment, I’m on my own as far as taking care of him; the irony is that he’d been my carer for almost 20 years.
I still have mental and physical health issues but I had to put them to one side to step up and be the best non-trained nurse that anyone can be.
But I’m exhausted. And it doesn’t make me feel any better when people tell me I need to look after myself, especially when they can’t help me with simple things that would help me last the distance.
I’d KILL for a holiday… but not the kind you’re thinking of. Because I’m a shut in, I don’t leave the house when I’m on holiday. Rather, I set myself up in one of the spare bedrooms and lounge there, watching stuff and playing games on my iPad, maybe be brought something simple to eat and a coffee, snuggle with my dog and - the main event - sleep!
But it’s too much to ask anyone to fill in for me for a few hours so I can do what I consider to be looking after myself. They’d love to help… but they have their own lives to lead and sparing a few hours of their time to show both my husband and I how much we mean to them is never forthcoming.
So, maybe when we talk about self-care it isn’t totally caring for one’s self; we need others to care about us enough to allow us to care for ourselves, and care for us, too.
Bless each and every one of you who have foregone having a life of your own in order to ensure the health, safety and benefit of another 🙏🏼❤️
I hope your husband can get targeted gene therapy.
Please take anyone up on assisting you, there might be county or state help to give you a break - even rides to treatments for your husband, meals on wheels, an afternoon to nap. Take care as much as you can.
@@marywiggins7411, thank you, sweet soul. I’d ask more people for help but I have no-one to ask help from. My family all live a considerable distance from me, my siblings are older than me and have some serious things they’re dealing with (although my brother is in contact almost every day to check up on us; he was a nurse for over 40 years and is a prostate cancer survivor - he does as much as anyone can to provide us with some form of regular, ongoing support, and he puts things back into perspective when we’re really scared).
My brother-in-law comes to help sometimes but we have to pay him for the time he takes off from work and to pay someone to cover his absence (he’s the boss of his own business), and it seems that I have to pay for our kids’ travel expenses (or at least part thereof) and pay for almost everything when they managed to come for a visit. I’d pay people to do the gardening, house work, shopping, caring and anything else I need done, but finding reliable people isn’t easy.
People are enthusiastic to do the jobs that hubby can’t do, but no-one wants to do the things I do.
I hate to say this, but people need to walk a mile in the shoes of a carer before giving advice on how to take care of one’s self… or just pretend to be Mum for a day, making sure that everyone else’s needs are met and not having the time, resources or personal energy left to take care of one’s self.
And here’s a shout-out to all the Mums out there who read this. Without people like you, our world would come to a grinding halt 🙏🏼❤️
My heart goes out to you. I never get time off because I have animals on a feeding and cleaning schedule. No one gives me a break so I can visit my grandchildren, and it's been a couple years since I saw the little ones, now so much bigger. So I understand the weary sadness of being a full-time caretaker.
I remember seeing somewhere the introduction of the term “self-coddling” and the notion that what most people think of as self-care was actually self-coddling because it was more about ignoring discomfort than actually addressing real needs. Changed my life.
Thank you for this. Self care for me is a good dinner a lovely bath and go to bed early and chat with my husband before going to sleep. Love you California Joanna
That would make me happy too.
We cannot hate you, don't worry. I 100% agree with you. Self care should have nothing to do with consumerism
When I read self care I thought of taking a shower or a bath, clipping the nails, skin care, washing the hair, eating healthy food, exercising, establishing a healthy sleep cycle and such things...
Hi Scott, I bought your book about a week ago and received it today, because I could relate to so much of what you talk about in your videos. I have been a disbeliever in phycologists after having been to four different people for various different reasons i.e. the break up of my marriage, my attempted suicide on my motorcycle while leaving pub drunk on my way home to a wife who didn't love me and kids who did and then two more after the divorce, while trying to get my act together. I read the first chapter and instantly related. I just wanted to say thankyou, it's making a difference. I am now 62 and still working on a better future. We are here for a good time, not a long time.
The first thing that came to mind with self-care s confronting what bothers me head on. It's not for everyone but that's what works for me.
It's great that it works for you, because it's the best thing to do and so many of us avoid it.
I’m glad you clarified in the first few minutes that, yes, self care IS an actual thing.
I have a disabled child and this makes so much since for me. My husband and I work 40hrs a week and I'm also her certified therapist, so I don't have a lot of time just for me. This was such a great video and I'm glad it was on my timeline 😊 thank you.
Thank you for an excellent video. In the early 1990s, I would watch a sport from pregame show to postgame show for about 9 hours every Sunday. One season I kept a record of the time I spent watching the games, it totaled 240 hours. I was shocked. I could have used that time to get some sleep, learn a new skill or just chill. The following year I stopped watching sports and my mood and job performance improved greatly.
When I think of “self-care” I think of 3 things. Self-improvement, respite, business. One has to spot the difference between Health and MLM. Self-improvement and respite are about care, business is for the capital of an individual or enterprise.
Some do this better and in a more wholesome way than others. I appreciate Dr. Scott’s way of providing a complete answer. Other sellers get an idea into people’s minds and only provide them half of the solution, whether that’s through a book or online content, then say in order to get the other half of the solution sign up for our workshop or seminar or next book. Which then moves it’s focus from care the person needs to ongoing capital the seller wants to create.
Of course, there always has to be something to sell!
This makes sense to me. I have neglected my self-care to do things that were a distraction, and I'm on a path to eliminate that kind of behavior. You could apply this to relationships as well, as in my own experience, having lots of fun distracted from the relational self-care that was needed. Thanks, as always, Dr. Scott. ☺️
This is interesting. I hear a lot of people say that self-care is actually really indulgent and selfish. I tried to brush them aside, but those words got to me a lot. The funny thing is that when I think of "self-care" I think of taking a shower, going to bed on time, exercise, taking a walk outdoors, cooking a nice meal for myself and/or loved ones, things like that. And I'd honestly worry that I was being selfish while doing it. I guess I can drop that once and for all 😂
Core issues must always be attended to first.
Ive been neglecting myself for years. Appreciate the video, eye opening.
Ya me too. It's easy to do when you're elderly and no one comes to visit anymore. The lonelier you get, the less you care for yourself. I care more about planning for my sons ' inheritance than I do for my own needs. Showering and changing my clothes every couple weeks is about all I can manage.
I feel this is a relatively recent thing. In grad school years ago we talked about how important self-care is in helping professions and it had *nothing* to do with buying things we want or desire. But the commercial world has latched onto the term "self-care" as a way to manipulate people into thinking that impulse buying something they don't need (and weren't even *thinking* of buying until they saw the ad) is a healthy thing to do. And to be honest, unless a person has a ton of disposable income, making a habit of doing this will only cause a person harm. Sadly I see the term "self-care" used this way in adverting most often when they're targeting women.
Totally agree to everything you said. Sadly, “self care” has been misunderstood and became self neglect sometimes because of compulsion or impulsive behavior. To me, everything that we think and do should be done with awareness and consciousness. If we do things with self generated joy and love within us first rather than the opposite which is doing things to feel or cause happiness, we will see that everything we do (including our jobs and chores) can be self care.
Rest and relaxation is a basic need, but it doesn't have to cost money. It could be a nap, a walk, an old game, a library book...
The issue is that on these relaxations you will be all alone and you won't be able to talk about them with friends as they aren't interested in those. They want to hear about you travelling to distant places, going to the sea, spa, skiing (disclaimer: no snow in local area where you live - you have to travel far, far and ski resorts are expensive).
A large beam floating above Maslow's pyramid as broad as the bottom having meaning purpose and usefulness inside it connected to all lower levels by arrows going up and down is my addition to Maslow's pyramid since you can get her meaning usefulness and purpose out of all layers. So doing the right thing at any level is something important in any case and adds meaning purpose use and content to life, doing this for yourself or someone else is extremely important...
Thank you so much for this framing (and for not singling out stereotypical things that women do for self care). I’m learning the hard way that putting time and effort into sleeping regularly, exercising and eating well has a much bigger impact on my well-being than taking a week-long vacation. It’s hard but worth it at this point in my life.
I have a quote from Charlie Chaplin on my phone. He once said about the things a person needs. "The sun, rest, good diet, friends, self-respect and nature". I've always loved this quote.
My self care is things like going to the gym, cleaning my bedroom, making my favourite “easy” dinner or reading/playing a video game. Even something like doing my laundry as it gets it out of the way for when I’m having a bad day in the future.
I've been feeling this for a long while... that self-care involves way more than long hot baths or whatever. Thanks for helping to solidify the concept.
Interesting perspective. At work, they bombard us with instructions for 'self-care', and send us 'self-care' calendars filled with things like meditation and mindful colouring and body scans and take a walk and breathe and are you getting enough sleep and are you exercising enough??? There's so much of it, it becomes overwhelming. At the same time, they cut staff and increase workloads which forces staff to work way above their contracted hours in very stressful situations. So, I totally agree that being fed self-care propaganda is not real self-care and it's a shame that all those basic needs, like getting enough rest and exercise, get lumped in with all the rest as they can make a huge difference.
YES!! I think about the exact same thing. Employers who promote employee self-care to excuse their responsibility for creating an exhausting, stressful workplace environment in the first place.
The best self care a company could do is employ enough people so workers are comfortable and not overworked running around like headless chickens
Just wanted to tell how much of your content is so relatable beyond cultural differences. I am an Indian born and brought up in India living in Canada since past few years, just found this channel couple of days back.
This. I tell people all the time that my self-care is getting tasks done on my work list because that's how I feel good about myself (my mental health, self-esteem/self-concept), my kids and I are fed and housed (I'm a single mom), and I do more of other good things in my life (cleaning, hygiene, eating, etc) because I have the dopamine in my system to DO those things (because momentum creates momentum).
It's when I do the stuff that most people think of self-care that I start slacking off on the basic things and fall in a motivation slump, and I become someone I don't like and it feels like self-abandonment and self-neglect.
Edit: Also, this is why I integrate Star Trek in my business and monetize my feral joy of it. It's not good if I sit and watch it for 10 hours, BUT because it's a core part of my brand, I give myself a pass to enjoy it so I can talk about it (and make money). 🤣 And since I've been watching it since I was 2, it formed my worldview and a huge part of my identity, so watching it reinforces my identity, allows me to question my beliefs, and gives me space to expand my mind to make new connections (inside and outside of my business/brand). But I watch it at the exclusion of other things simply because other shows/fandoms aren't a central part of my identity, so they're very much a dessert treat.
There can be different kinds of self care activities for categories like spiritual, physical, mental, etc. Taking a nap, playing with a pet, going for a walk or dancing are some forms of self care as are seeking professional help and journaling. Everyone’s self care journey is different. Self care will look different each day.
You nailed it with the Self Care info that's out there is motivated by commercialism! Whenever I would find videos or anything on social media talk about self care and they go straight to those activities I would always feel frustrated because I knew it never dealt with a deeper need I was feeling at the time.
Self-care is different from taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself are things you’re supposed to do like personal hygiene, sleep, exercise, nutrition, and mental health. Self-care are special things or unrequired things like bubble baths, video games, art, sports, and restaurants. Both are good and they can overlap
When I think of self care I think of things like meditation, yoga, exercise…
Definitely!
This is incredibly thought provoking. It’s very helpful to think of how you would care for someone else that you love. Also to remember that escapist activities, at the expense of basic needs, don’t feel good.
Dr Scott, loved this video. Helps me see why I've been uncomfortable with the whole "self-care" mantra. Helped me see when my husband needs extra sleep from work not to take it personally. Also, I'd love some charts, graphics etc in your videos. Would have been helpful for me to see the pyramid as you went up each step of the way. Thanks. God Bless. 🤠🇨🇱
I’m trying to think of a good way to incorporate those! I’m a very visual person and when I teach these skills in therapy there is always (bad) drawing involved!
@@DrScottEilersYes, second @ANN.B.3476. Definitely need a visual for Maslow pyramid + many other ideas you present.
I think the problem with trying to address all the lower needs first is that sometimes lower needs are NOT in your control. I suppose it would be long term planning to deal with those uncontrolled areas
I have spent a lot of time in and out of rehab for heroin and fentanyl addiction. Self care is a CONSTANT thing there and it's always like "bubble bath. movies. Nature Walk. Meditate." It has never occurred to me that those things aren't real self care; I could never figure out why I was SO anti self care because all those things sound like such a freaking nuisance. When my ACTUAL needs are being met, I'm far less likely to relapse. Everyone is riding my a** to go back to rehab and now having a different philosophy on what self care actually means, plus a couple other videos of yours, I am starting to entertain the idea for real.
Halfway through for when everything is burning, journaling about what I want to stick with me from the book. My life has gotten a glow up as a result. Thank you Dr.Scott, appreciate you dude.
The inverted pyramid can feel so good when it isn't toppling over on top of you.
Dr Scott, could never hate you for your great advice! Depression and anxiety somehow steal one's energy for engaging in fully proper self-care. This video is a great reminder of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and it's an important way to get a view of one's life, in order to judge what we really need, properly. And it does cause me to reflect that I sometimes put some of my wants before my needs. And I deserve better than that. I want to take better care of myself and tend to my needs as a priority. Wise words as always!
Agreed. I tried doing the self-care thing when I got low. Turns out all I needed was some time to recharge, get some exercise outdoors, connect with other humans, reassess my life goals and how to get there. Does a lot more than TV watching or buying skin care products. Still working on getting my pyramid right, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
Your timing is way too on point. Thank you so much.
To be fair a massage is actually self care if your body needs it. It’s a physiological need.
I promise you that when self worth is an issue, telling someone that taking a bath just to relax and take time for yourself, it’s mind blowing.
Roller skating changed my life, not only did it improve my physical well being but I made friends and became part of a bigger community about overcoming fears (I skatepark rollerskate.)
Before my only hobby was art, I went to school for art and it honestly was a very isolating hobby for me. I had a small community but most of them were also very introverted and it was hard to get out.
Thank you for this Dr. Eilers! It makes so much sense.
I especially neglect sleep. Have been for years, to the point that I'm not keeping up with my responsibilities and I feel awful all of the time. I have poor self-discipline. I'm not sure how to break this habit.
I'm the same but 3 days ago I made a decision. I will go to bed before 11pm. It doesn't mean I'll be in bed at 11 but just out of the living room and upstairs getting ready for bed. So far I've done 2 nights and feel good. Hopefully I can find the self discipline to carry on.
Nice! I hope you can, too. I stay up at night, but sleep during the day. I did go to sleep around 11:30pm last night with the help of a bit of melatonin. Woke up with crushing anxiety. ☹
Wow @@Gerrly. "Woke up with crushing anxiety." . . . Is it possible that staying up late and sleeping during the day was how you avoided something that causes you anxiety?
@@tashmoobabe8704 Oh that's definitely what I do. It's awful.
Paying off my debt and building my emergency savings fund is the most intense self care I've ever done.
You rock.
I'm based in Southern California and from what I've observed of most business owners - they want their employees to neglect their foundational needs. I think in this day in age, at least in cities, people have to take on more work or 2 or more jobs in order to make ends meet in order to afford food, a roof over your head, etc. They essentially have to neglect their health in order to afford healthcare. It's ironic.
I still haven't figured out self care. I only know I'm awful at it. Never was a caretaker until my mother was put into an ALF. I'm awful at that too.
I don't think we learn how to be caretakers in our society, particularly North America. So I don't think you're awful at it because you you're intrinsically awful at being a caretaker, but because you're learning. It's really hard, and I send you hugs.
Being a caretaker for another human being is one of the hardest things a person can do, especially for someone you love. You want to be awesome at it but that isn’t realistic so a lot of people just don’t even try. That you are there for your mother instantly makes you a better person than most. I say this as a nurse who has taken care of many abandoned elderly people in care homes and as a daughter who cared for both of my parents on hospice. I wanted to be the best caregiver for my parents but fell short so many times. We are so hard on ourselves but really, just being there with them is the most important thing. Getting support from others and doing real self-care is essential so you can continue to be there for your mom. You are doing the hardest thing, give yourself grace. Hugs ❤
i love this background :-D and as always thank you so much man. seriously really thank you a lot. i think you have a gift to help people, for sure you have helped me.
Pleasure is not some random deserts additions you don't need. Pleasure is a need. If you're productive and healthy but you can't have hobbies, because they happened to be just funny and don't look productive and cool, can't have joy, because being used by others ("useful for a community") is somehow so much more important, you'll just end up in depression. You don't have to say it's not a need just because it's a lower priority need. The priority might be screwed, yes, but it doesn't mean that having pleasure in life is something that you maybe get after having a perfect lifestyle and helping everyone else or maybe don't get at all whatever. You'll just end up in a situation, where you don't see any sense in doing basic things too if you neglect your need to experience something exciting. This is a NEED. And you don't need to necessarily buy stuff to fulfil it. Playing and having fun and relaxing is a need. "You'll get to relax only when your everything is perfect" is not a good message. If you don't want to be perceived this way, then don't say it like this. "It's not a need, but don't understand it the way it sounds", like, no, I will? Don't say it this way if you can tell that it sounds wrong? Yes, it did touched something in me: I was already deeply depressed. Saying people that these are just some silly wants and they don't really need fun and excitement in life is just bad.
If your first answer to "what to do to take care of yourself" is to take a bath and to watch something, it has a meaning. It means you're stressed as fuck and want to hide from your everyday life. You DO need a break, but track if what you're doing is actually helpful. Good fun is not forced ("productive") and it's inspiring for changing you everyday life. You don't steal from yourself if you have an hour of genuine fun every day, even if you wasn't productive. Your routine is failing to help you to provide yourself with your basic level needs without making you chronically overwhelmed, that's why you have breakdown and binging and all that. "Just keep blindly pushing through right things to do" is a bad answer to this situation.
There are even experiments on rats, when they put them in boring cages with basic needs and another half in interesting cages with lots of toys and everything. Rats in boring cages were even more stupid after the experiment. Exciting experience is so important.
For most people watching this video, the barrier to looking after their more basic needs is internal motivation. A lot of us, in practice, move between the levels of the hierarchy, and it's not all or nothing. Attending to needs from further up the hierarchy can provide the motivation to do better at the boring stuff down the bottom. For example, having a friend over might give you the motivation to tidy your home. Maintaining the social relationship (higher on the hierarchy) gives you the energy to keep your living space clean and hazard-free (lower on the hierarchy). Hobbies can also be done in pursuit of the basic needs. For one person reading a novel might be escapism. For another it might be the sleep hygiene that gets them away from screens before bed. The key is whether you are using a subjective self-care method honestly to improve your well-being or just to feel good for a moment.
The closest I’ve ever come to wanting a vacation or spa day is wanting a day off work to get some physical therapy/ massage so it would be easier to work the next day I work
I loved the message of this video but I want to put in my two cents that we should take away this message with compassion. So many people have health problems they cannot afford to fix. They crave financial stability but they can’t solve that in a day, week, month. It takes a while. So in the meantime, let’s not judge them for indulging in something they WANT. Sometiems we need those little treats to keep going.
Whenever I came home from school, I was always looking for something sweet to snack on. My mother always said "You are going to ruin your dinner." She was absolutely right. I think often of that today as I contemplate a sugary snack before my meal. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't eat one. If I do eat it, it does ruin my enjoyment of my dinner.
As a mental health provider I look at self care as mental health care. We have to meet our physiological needs to survive. Meeting fundamental needs is not self care because you have to do that anyway. Self care is the mental health work to help you thrive. Not live in excess or escapism as you described, but rather those extra steps that help you feel confident, grounded, and energized. It's the care you give yourself so that it's not a complete drudgery trying to meet your physiological needs. For me season tickets to the college football games is self care. I feel a sense of community and excitement at the games. And for a few sweet hours I can be completely focused on something other than the shit going on at home. Is it a want? Sure. But it also fills up my mental and emotional gas tank to help me thrive through the rest of the week.
This is so great ~ I really have to examine my basic needs being met.
Thank you for this great content!!!
Amen, we are all caretakers even if we only have ourselves to care for.
Your metaphor examples are NOT ridiculous! They are perfect & make your point really clear! Please don’t apologize for them