1) unstable identity (wishes, values, etc change) 2) emptiness (void sense of self like narcissists & might be a response to narcissists) 3) uses external agents for regulation & validation 4) impaired reality & overestimate depth of relationships (projects like narcissists) 5) prone to self harm by using substances & suicide (main cause of death for diagnosed individuals) due to lack of self love or to distract from internal chaos 6) reckless (but unlike narcissists will have guilt) & emotionally dysregulated (lots of anger & rage) Like narcs will do idealization & discard with separation & intimacy issues (don't leave but if you are present is suffocating). Difference vs narcs: can be diagnosed at 12 years & can be treated, while narcs at age 18 & not treatable Easy to take offense & drama is present Highly emotional, sexual, empathic
I have worked on my borderline tendencies for years and I have to say I'm so much better. The anger is a hard one to battle. I feel I have a very quick rush to judgement about people. But after a lot of work, I spot my own behavior and can correct it. I know this is not very popular as a resolution, but prayer and returning to faith helped me immensely. Studying the stoics, also. Self-reflection (honest) is key. I decided 20 years ago not to have any more romantic relationships and that works for me. I am very comfortable being alone.
@@Danny_pagan I wouldn't go silent on a partner that I can recall. I would do that to friends who offend me one too many times. I do have life-long friends who are very close and a lot of friends in general, however. I do weed out the people who are too dysfunctional and have a negative effect on me.
There is someone in my life that has BPD. Thank you for helping me understand her behavior. It has helped me know how to deal with her in our relationship.
You’re the absolute BEST Sam!!! I was in special Ed nearly my entire academic career from 2nd to 12th grade. On the autism spectrum with many of the comorbidities that come with it. Even more tragic having been raised by two malignant covert narcissistic parents as I did not receive any interventions and was simply a burden to them both. The shame and self loathing I developed led to an early onset of clinical mental illness by age 9 but again, with no intervention or treatment. You have helped me to understand and make sense of my entire life, my sick and evil parents and how I became the way I did. I haven’t gotten a formal diagnosis of BPD but I highly suspect I am. Thank you for making all this complex information understandable for the lay person like myself. ♥️💕
My childhood seemed blissful, it was amazing and I always had everything… but there was something dark to it. I don’t remember that. I remember blurred, unrealistic flashbacks and strong, frightening emotions of those dark moments. As if there was bliss and hell at the same time. I remember screams and crying. I remember the void black emptiness I felt after every quarrel with my mom, even tho I don’t even remember what we were quarreling about. I remember there were two moms, I remember myself saying that. One was highly blissful, loving and caring. The other one was vengeful, hateful and ready to hurt anyone in order to get what she needed. I remember her strong, killing anger she would present to me, but I don’t remember any details of it. Just that it was something bad… I felt lonely, so desperately lonely. I developed mistrust. I felt so empty… as if there was a hole inside me… I began to run, to escape that horrible emptiness, to escape that horrible place called myself. I kept running, running and running. I ran into drugs, I ran into unhealthy relationships, trying so desperately to make them become something different that what I experienced. Being hopeful for that… but it never happened. The emptiness was pursuing me as if it was always there, sometimes I wouldn’t see it. Sometimes I forgot about it, but it was always there… I am now trying to face it… but it’s so desperately agonizing, harming and scary… I keep feeling as if even tho I have lived and learnt so much throughout so many years, I were still this hurt, unaware child…
I was recently diagnosed, finally, with BPD. I've since learned that I've likely had it for several years (it manifested in teens, my highschool years were the worst of my life) I can honestly thank your videos for helping me towards an official diagnosis, as I had studied PDs for a long long little bit now (I like psychology) and at first was in denial of having BPD- such big denial I had an episode for like 3-5 days lol! And yours and other psychiatrist's videos have greatly helped me to come to terms with and understand I'm not a monster - just severely traumatized and hurt from a lifetime of trauma and that many people just like me are just as deserving of love and help! PLEASE keep doing what you do!!
Thank you for this video! It was a great reminder that there is redemption for the borderline, and not the narcissist. My older sister is borderline, and my younger sister is a narcissist. And together they are quite the challenge for me to keep my sanity! But you help me by letting me know that my older sister, definitely does the old love and empathy, even though my younger sister controls her. It’s been a crazy ride! But I appreciate your educating me.
You have to continue escalating the confrontation. That's how to know how to be with her. So ask yourself, is going to jail for domestic violence worth it? I say no. Eventually, their despisement for accountability and responsible behavior will push them beyond the limit of containability and you will have to let them simply play the Judas against you as the relationship ends.
I never had a normal close friend that was not either bpd or narcissistic, that's why I am alone. I find most people boring and with no character other than being an energy drain, immature or insufferable to some degree.
Being in a relationship with a ADHD diagnosed person was one of the biggest traumas of my life. 2 years of PTSD followed. I didn't know anything about personality disorders back then. I later realized she was Borderline and possibly a Histrionic type. Thank you Prof. Vaknin.
Somehow all the cluster B personality disorders are insanely similar. I've been diagnosed twice with Aspd with psychopathic traits, but they told me iam a psychopath, but I can relate to many of the points listed here. It's just more outwardly derived instead of inward. Is it just overlap, or can you have both? I know that I just don't have certain feelings and I can live with that... I have to. I don't suppress them, sometimes there's just nothing there. And yet I still feel insecure about it, even though people always say that psychopaths are so hardened. But that's not how I feel. The superiority complex is there, but I suppress it most of the time because I know it doesn't go down well. Then many people say that psychopaths have no fear, but I don't feel that way either. I am often highly sensitive to dangerous situations, which feels like fear to me. In your video about the myth of the anxiety-free psychopath, you also explain that an anxiety disorder is always present. But many other not "selfstyled" experts say that there is absolutly no fear. I can relate more to your statement, but its still confusing. Ask one question, get three diffrent answers. Maybe I was just misdiagnosed and have some other bs, or maybe i am too unaware of my insight. Well, at the end of the day I know I have to be careful how I treat people and try to stick to Kant and ask myself, am I doing it for my own end? If you bothered to read it, you'll get a new word from me based on your statement that you like German words: lebensmüde
I think the reason the so called "experts" say that psychopaths are fearless has to do with fear mongering and persecution. They capitalize on peoples fear of them by elevating their features, essentially making them into boogey-men. And it sells, people click on the videos to be shocked and scared. Survival is engraved into all of us, and to what extent we feel that "emotion" is very individual.
I wonder about this too. I am sorry to go with a very hard example, in no way do I want to compare people with a specific disorder to others. But even Ted Bundy, tied to his deathbed, was terribly afraid of death, according to witnesses. Maybe some emotions are more suppressed than others. Sometimes I imagine that it's a bit like everyone is on some scale of emotions and not everyone experiences them in the same high or low way. I wish you a lot of peace, because sometimes looking deeper into psychological things and for deeper diagnoses only leads to depression, instead of simply accepting yourself and looking for peace and happiness in life :)
@@Sound-Eater thank you, these are some true words, nobody is able to provide the answer i am looking for, except myself. So seeking for knowledge is good, but obsessing about details will lead to nowhere. You are right in the end, the focus has to be in the present and my purpose. Its kind of crazy when you always act against your inner demons and impulses, of course you want to find the reason for it, but there just isn't. Some things might just be, how they are, without any useful reason.
As a borderline woman, I’ve avoided any sexual interaction all my life as I was too terrified of men because of childhood sexual assault. Is that more common than what we are led to believe (borderlines are promiscuous) ?
im bpd and I have worked through many of my faults. I still carry some, but the ones that pervented me from being civil and hurting others over dumb shit has lessened but I do fantasize and day dream a lot...
If you're the chosen person they cling to you for life - and act out toward other people twice as much. Like with narcissists, if you (artificially) keep some enemy to divert them, you only get the "fun" drama, and if you're an inverted narcissist you get a lot of sadistic supply.
Hi, Minute 2:05 you mentioned borderline prefers reality to fantasy? Is that correct? What is the function of fantasy as a defense mechanism if borderline prefers reality over it?
Hi Sam, I have been married to a BPDW for almost 30 years and your videos have been most helpful to me. Thank you for your amazing work. Q - Do you reckon these videos could be helpful to her?? She started therapy finally 2 years ago. Unsurprisingly, she resent me spending time learning about her disorder. Thanks
@@JediMindtrick91 it’s not a flex or a blessing to be a diagnosed borderline. People will definitely look at you differently when they know your diagnosis, even blame you for their own wrong doings. “People do not see you/ they invent you and accuse you”A borderline will be triggered and trigger you back.
Sam, I have a request. Where does Jung fit in these days? I've heard you mention him but not much and I wonder if this is because he's not really held up to modern academe as it has evolved. Any chance you could do a video on where Jung does and does not fit in within the cluster B world? I've been quite persuaded by him on shadow integration, anima/animus and also Von Franz on Puer Aeturnus etc but also have this feel from my narc ex (big Jung fan 'personal myth etc', and my own narc tendencies that his ideas might be very appealing to the narcissistically oriented. As if Jungian self help is loaded with potential for a narcissistic apocalypse. Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts and appraisal of Jung and how it does, or does not, have relevance to the rest of your work.
After years of marriage to my ex husband I became very suicidal until I divorced him and realized a lot of things you have taught me. Also I realized that suicide doesn’t end my pain it only changes my environment to a place I am not able to understand or control. After all, what comes after suicide is unknown.
"a commited partner if you know how to be with her and how to work with her" - do you suggest that it is possible to be in a relationship with a borderline despite of the "I hate you - don't leave me" (abandonment/rejection-engulfment/intimacy, approach-avoidance repetition compulsion)- dynamics? So please give me an instruction manual - thank you in advance
@@samvakninI appreciate your answering my question, Professor. P.S. Short duration of the video allowed me to watch it a couple of times and catch most of those meaningful words and expressions You use with such a precision. Thank you.
Prof. Vaknin's said that reaching the mid 40s of a person's life, bpd may automatically regress and heal. Now I'm wondering, if a woman with bpd has a child after this happens, she could be a good enough mother? ! I mean ... For what I've understood watching these videos, a mother with bpd is very difficult to be a mother that can allow his child to separete and individuate, (or generally to have no problems in the future with his mental health). I know a lady in his early 40s, she wants a child, and now his episodes of acting out are decreasing (less often and less intense). She has never wanted to go to a psychologist, and now may be there is a chance with a natural remission of the symptoms. It's a particular age anyways, cause if you choose to have a child, you risk that it's too late, if in the end you are no fertil anymore.
@@ЕленаЛейтан-й5т я лично не помню, где именно, но Сэм не раз говорил, что после 40ка пограничка может внезапно взять и пройти. И вообще это популярная точка зрения. Но, как я это вижу, хорошего тут мало. Все то живое, что человек с ПРЛ сохранял(а) в себе - и что по большей части уже умирает у "нормальных" людей лет в 20-25, если не раньше, - уходит в случаях таких внезапных "исцелений". Что-то внутри нее/него ломается. И, имнсхо, такому исходу может поспособствовать и рекомендуемая для ПРЛ КПТ/ДПТ. Я считаю, что люди с пограничкой должны идти первыми в списке тех, кому эти подходы противопоказаны. Предлагаю задуматься, почему такой большой процент погранични_ц бросает терапию (точно с ними всегда что-то не так, а не с ней?). Почему такой высокий процент самовыпила (проценты мы же имеем по тем, кто были в терапии в основном. рискну предположить, что и она может быть весомым фактором)... Опять же, это "лишь" мое мнение (но для него более чем достаточно оснований): есть более адекватный подход, только, чтобы использовать его успешно (ну и понять его суть in the first place, ofc), придется отринуть кое-что, что все, кажется, принимают за аксиому. Детально все в комменте просто нереально описать, а если как-то ужать попытаюсь, то почти наверняка сложится неверное представление. Если интересно, можем связаться где-нибудь и обсудить. P.S. Если что, не предлагаю никаких услуг. Просто меня по ряду причин (личных в том числе) волнует эта проблема. P.P.S. У меня нет ПРЛ. И от других РЛ не страдаю (и не "наслаждаюсь" ими эго-синтонично).
@@ЕленаЛейтан-й5тthere isn't much to thank me for (yet?). Но если мой коммент вдруг помог взглянуть под другим углом (мб что-то внутри откликнулось) - уже хорошо. Можете оставить свои контакты, если хотите.
They just numb them out. It probably truncates the extremes. The rest stays the same or slows down the unstoppable deterioration. It's like a lobotomy in pill form.
Let me get this right. There is treatment for the BPD if they want it and accept it. What about the narcissism side. You have stated there is no cure for that?? When the narcissism is abusive & destructive. It is just too hard to live with.
@@ledi-bideereflections4081 traits overlap between many disorders. The true borderline however is NOT a narvissist. And the true narcissist may decompensate into borderline behViors but is not bpd. Youre getting traits and full disorders confused.
@@marciestoddard730 I totally agree. In my late teens-early 20s I behaved exactly like a narcissist, and my internal thought process was a lot like one too. But my core desire was to be loved and accepted by others. Whereas a true narcissist wants to have power and control. By my late mid 20s I'd become a 'traditional borderline', and lost most of my narcissistic traits because they were so harmful to people. And now in my 30s I'm a 'high functioning borderline' who can almost think and act like a healthy person I do think that narcissists can get better too. But since their core desire is less socially positive they have a lot less motivation
@@ledi-bideereflections4081she probably struggles with cognitive empathy. Struggles with cognitive empathy can look and feel like a lack of empathy. They feel empathy they just have trouble putting themselves in you shoes. Lack of cognitive empathy can affect their loved ones negatively. But awareness on the borderlines end and communication in a positive manner can help
Prof, could you estimate how a relationship between a bpd woman and a (most probably) codependent man will evolve? According to science i assume it's something beneficial for the bpd person?
all of this is true for me but years in I realized close relationships were my trigger and I had tantrums I tried to communicate because I knew my exact triggers about their ex especially casually, i had a blue shirt on he would say so and so liked blue now I didnt. Another was very angry about his high school ex cheating and she was currently with his step brother he broke up with me and begged me to come back 3 times a week we were out one day with his public and i jumped up and hugged him, he hardly hugged me back and said she used to do that, we saw eachother less and less because he got mad more than me he brought me candy and presents, one day he came over and asked if i was done with him because a girl at a party asked him out, He was very handsome but I am too I had tattoos still do and we got one together. he told me hes usually the cool one in his relationships, I walked by a shop and new girl was on his lap she was pretty, plain. then my tattooist said theyd been coming in and he was covered. I felt sick when I saw them months later he was driving the same kind of car as me an old volvo. ive slit my wrist deep when guys wouldnt shut up taken a bottle of klonopin which isnt fatal. Anyway I moved away and met one more who was so bizzare he blamed his aspies on, he did a number on me and i maybe saw him twice, He cried a lot I lost a ton of weight. After I did cam shows for money alone, i stopped after getting a regular job. My sex drive was gigh and I was meeting guys online I was always on the pill and had check ups regularly, there were less than in LA but for a while I had 3 guys in LA no emotion i got along with one more than the others then one weekend they all fell apart like 2 met girls that had relationship potential. i may have met some after but after 2020 my sex drive and socialization needs were over, I was awarded disablity and I dont want to see anyone there are 2 people I let my anger out on in email, I apologized and the worst was her mom had bpd. i wrote this essay to ask whats happening now that I dont need people thanks
Are fearful avoidant attachers the same as bpd and dismissive avoidants as npd? If not what are the main differences? Do children of bpds turn out npds and children of npds bpds?
Any chance you would make a reading list for high level stuff: what to choose from Kohut, Winicot, Bion, Klein, Kernberg etc.? Not for just BPD or personal growth but for professionals.
@@marciestoddard730what if its someone with BPD and NPD or maybe some ASPD traits? I always thought I had BPD symptoms, but I can keep it cool if I have to, until I get home.
My spouse w/bpd just abandoned me. She ditched me downtown after saying, 'Ive decided to move out". When I got back to the house, all of her things were gone. The date was a diversion. She and her groupies are unresponsive, Ive been blocked on all channels. 10 yrs marriage, with therapy and counseling. She had a good life, but I guess she had better people to outsourcing coping her emotions for her.
@@JediMindtrick91 yep it will only be worse than before. She cannot hide her true feelings and emotions anymore. I actually see how much of a bitch she actually is after she vilified me on social media even though I was respectful to her after she chose to break up with me.
This man is offering a lot to humanity
he's a gift to humanity
@@LifeIsGood1992seems like he is a gift from god as his illness tells him.
BPD is relational, indeed 100% happy being alone
1) unstable identity (wishes, values, etc change)
2) emptiness (void sense of self like narcissists & might be a response to narcissists)
3) uses external agents for regulation & validation
4) impaired reality & overestimate depth of relationships (projects like narcissists)
5) prone to self harm by using substances & suicide (main cause of death for diagnosed individuals) due to lack of self love or to distract from internal chaos
6) reckless (but unlike narcissists will have guilt) & emotionally dysregulated (lots of anger & rage)
Like narcs will do idealization & discard with separation & intimacy issues (don't leave but if you are present is suffocating).
Difference vs narcs: can be diagnosed at 12 years & can be treated, while narcs at age 18 & not treatable
Easy to take offense & drama is present
Highly emotional, sexual, empathic
And what an emptiness it is! 🌑
I have worked on my borderline tendencies for years and I have to say I'm so much better. The anger is a hard one to battle. I feel I have a very quick rush to judgement about people. But after a lot of work, I spot my own behavior and can correct it. I know this is not very popular as a resolution, but prayer and returning to faith helped me immensely. Studying the stoics, also. Self-reflection (honest) is key. I decided 20 years ago not to have any more romantic relationships and that works for me. I am very comfortable being alone.
When you feel this anger inside, do you tend to go silent on people close in your life? Like your partner?
@@Danny_pagan I wouldn't go silent on a partner that I can recall. I would do that to friends who offend me one too many times. I do have life-long friends who are very close and a lot of friends in general, however. I do weed out the people who are too dysfunctional and have a negative effect on me.
There is someone in my life that has BPD. Thank you for helping me understand her behavior. It has helped me know how to deal with her in our relationship.
You’re the absolute BEST Sam!!! I was in special Ed nearly my entire academic career from 2nd to 12th grade. On the autism spectrum with many of the comorbidities that come with it. Even more tragic having been raised by two malignant covert narcissistic parents as I did not receive any interventions and was simply a burden to them both. The shame and self loathing I developed led to an early onset of clinical mental illness by age 9 but again, with no intervention or treatment. You have helped me to understand and make sense of my entire life, my sick and evil parents and how I became the way I did. I haven’t gotten a formal diagnosis of BPD but I highly suspect I am. Thank you for making all this complex information understandable for the lay person like myself. ♥️💕
My childhood seemed blissful, it was amazing and I always had everything… but there was something dark to it. I don’t remember that. I remember blurred, unrealistic flashbacks and strong, frightening emotions of those dark moments. As if there was bliss and hell at the same time. I remember screams and crying. I remember the void black emptiness I felt after every quarrel with my mom, even tho I don’t even remember what we were quarreling about. I remember there were two moms, I remember myself saying that. One was highly blissful, loving and caring. The other one was vengeful, hateful and ready to hurt anyone in order to get what she needed. I remember her strong, killing anger she would present to me, but I don’t remember any details of it. Just that it was something bad… I felt lonely, so desperately lonely. I developed mistrust. I felt so empty… as if there was a hole inside me… I began to run, to escape that horrible emptiness, to escape that horrible place called myself. I kept running, running and running. I ran into drugs, I ran into unhealthy relationships, trying so desperately to make them become something different that what I experienced. Being hopeful for that… but it never happened. The emptiness was pursuing me as if it was always there, sometimes I wouldn’t see it. Sometimes I forgot about it, but it was always there… I am now trying to face it… but it’s so desperately agonizing, harming and scary… I keep feeling as if even tho I have lived and learnt so much throughout so many years, I were still this hurt, unaware child…
Brilliant video Sam! Waiting for the similar one about narcissism. Thank you ❤
I was recently diagnosed, finally, with BPD. I've since learned that I've likely had it for several years (it manifested in teens, my highschool years were the worst of my life)
I can honestly thank your videos for helping me towards an official diagnosis, as I had studied PDs for a long long little bit now (I like psychology) and at first was in denial of having BPD- such big denial I had an episode for like 3-5 days lol! And yours and other psychiatrist's videos have greatly helped me to come to terms with and understand I'm not a monster - just severely traumatized and hurt from a lifetime of trauma and that many people just like me are just as deserving of love and help! PLEASE keep doing what you do!!
This is everything I feel. Omg I'm glad you condensed it so I can share it with others! Thank you
Thank you for this video! It was a great reminder that there is redemption for the borderline, and not the narcissist. My older sister is borderline, and my younger sister is a narcissist. And together they are quite the challenge for me to keep my sanity! But you help me by letting me know that my older sister, definitely does the old love and empathy, even though my younger sister controls her. It’s been a crazy ride! But I appreciate your educating me.
Lets delve rrrright in. Look it up
Yes, You are correct so proceed. Wait, 10 minutes? That's a tease Sam!
Like your humor. Like a previous commenter, I look forward to a similar video for narcissism. Thank you.
You have to continue escalating the confrontation. That's how to know how to be with her. So ask yourself, is going to jail for domestic violence worth it? I say no. Eventually, their despisement for accountability and responsible behavior will push them beyond the limit of containability and you will have to let them simply play the Judas against you as the relationship ends.
What an impressive Speedrun by Professor Vaknin!
I never had a normal close friend that was not either bpd or narcissistic, that's why I am alone. I find most people boring and with no character other than being an energy drain, immature or insufferable to some degree.
That’s you. Gross 304
Whew
Who's gonna tell her?
@@AshleyWilliams-xq7lj😂
That is exactly what My distance relationship told me all of those WOW so you deffo have BPD
Being in a relationship with a ADHD diagnosed person was one of the biggest traumas of my life. 2 years of PTSD followed. I didn't know anything about personality disorders back then. I later realized she was Borderline and possibly a Histrionic type. Thank you Prof. Vaknin.
Somehow all the cluster B personality disorders are insanely similar. I've been diagnosed twice with Aspd with psychopathic traits, but they told me iam a psychopath, but I can relate to many of the points listed here. It's just more outwardly derived instead of inward. Is it just overlap, or can you have both? I know that I just don't have certain feelings and I can live with that... I have to. I don't suppress them, sometimes there's just nothing there. And yet I still feel insecure about it, even though people always say that psychopaths are so hardened. But that's not how I feel.
The superiority complex is there, but I suppress it most of the time because I know it doesn't go down well. Then many people say that psychopaths have no fear, but I don't feel that way either. I am often highly sensitive to dangerous situations, which feels like fear to me. In your video about the myth of the anxiety-free psychopath, you also explain that an anxiety disorder is always present. But many other not "selfstyled" experts say that there is absolutly no fear. I can relate more to your statement, but its still confusing. Ask one question, get three diffrent answers.
Maybe I was just misdiagnosed and have some other bs, or maybe i am too unaware of my insight. Well, at the end of the day I know I have to be careful how I treat people and try to stick to Kant and ask myself, am I doing it for my own end?
If you bothered to read it, you'll get a new word from me based on your statement that you like German words: lebensmüde
I think the reason the so called "experts" say that psychopaths are fearless has to do with fear mongering and persecution. They capitalize on peoples fear of them by elevating their features, essentially making them into boogey-men. And it sells, people click on the videos to be shocked and scared.
Survival is engraved into all of us, and to what extent we feel that "emotion" is very individual.
I wonder about this too. I am sorry to go with a very hard example, in no way do I want to compare people with a specific disorder to others. But even Ted Bundy, tied to his deathbed, was terribly afraid of death, according to witnesses. Maybe some emotions are more suppressed than others. Sometimes I imagine that it's a bit like everyone is on some scale of emotions and not everyone experiences them in the same high or low way. I wish you a lot of peace, because sometimes looking deeper into psychological things and for deeper diagnoses only leads to depression, instead of simply accepting yourself and looking for peace and happiness in life :)
@@Sound-Eater thank you, these are some true words, nobody is able to provide the answer i am looking for, except myself. So seeking for knowledge is good, but obsessing about details will lead to nowhere. You are right in the end, the focus has to be in the present and my purpose. Its kind of crazy when you always act against your inner demons and impulses, of course you want to find the reason for it, but there just isn't. Some things might just be, how they are, without any useful reason.
As a borderline woman, I’ve avoided any sexual interaction all my life as I was too terrified of men because of childhood sexual assault. Is that more common than what we are led to believe (borderlines are promiscuous) ?
Some borderlines are promiscuous. Regarding victims of childhood sexual abuse, search the sexuality playlists.
Respected Sir! You are the best.
Massive thanks for this hugely helpful overview! It is as brilliant as it is brief! 💜💜💜💜
Guys let's try reverse psychology. If we ask for shorter videos, he will make them longer.
im bpd and I have worked through many of my faults. I still carry some, but the ones that pervented me from being civil and hurting others over dumb shit has lessened but I do fantasize and day dream a lot...
This is so useful. Thank you so much!
Thank you, Sam. I got teary in your last lines.
LOL! Yes, there's a lot in the BPD nutshell! Thank you for your summary efforts, professor!
Sounds like the SCAPEGOATED child.
What does that mean? Not a native speaker
it's a technical term, Google it @@probablyro
@@probablyro Google how do narcissists behave to their children. You will see 3 different results. Scapegoat child later turns into Borderline.
Very interesting! Insightful
Sounds easier than the narcissist. A committed partner? Ok, let me try one of those out please"
NOT !
"K for Kidding"😉
If you're the chosen person they cling to you for life - and act out toward other people twice as much. Like with narcissists, if you (artificially) keep some enemy to divert them, you only get the "fun" drama, and if you're an inverted narcissist you get a lot of sadistic supply.
Hi,
Minute 2:05 you mentioned borderline prefers reality to fantasy? Is that correct? What is the function of fantasy as a defense mechanism if borderline prefers reality over it?
OOPS! My bad! Should be: "she prefers fantasy to reality." Thank you for the heads up!
Thank you
@@samvaknin This is the comment that should have been pinned and has not been pinned.
Hi Sam,
I have been married to a BPDW for almost 30 years and your videos have been most helpful to me. Thank you for your amazing work.
Q - Do you reckon these videos could be helpful to her??
She started therapy finally 2 years ago. Unsurprisingly, she resent me spending time learning about her disorder.
Thanks
Is she histrionic or borderline?
Damn, I want to lock one down. How do u keep her for that long?
My ex girlfriend resents this too. They want to be understood but they don't want you to find their void, their absence and run away.
@@divinegon4671😂😂😂
@@JediMindtrick91 it’s not a flex or a blessing to be a diagnosed borderline. People will definitely look at you differently when they know your diagnosis, even blame you for their own wrong doings. “People do not see you/ they invent you and accuse you”A borderline will be triggered and trigger you back.
Sam, I have a request. Where does Jung fit in these days? I've heard you mention him but not much and I wonder if this is because he's not really held up to modern academe as it has evolved. Any chance you could do a video on where Jung does and does not fit in within the cluster B world? I've been quite persuaded by him on shadow integration, anima/animus and also Von Franz on Puer Aeturnus etc but also have this feel from my narc ex (big Jung fan 'personal myth etc', and my own narc tendencies that his ideas might be very appealing to the narcissistically oriented. As if Jungian self help is loaded with potential for a narcissistic apocalypse. Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts and appraisal of Jung and how it does, or does not, have relevance to the rest of your work.
Search the channel.
I was willing to risk it for her.
😢
Fully learned and willing to risk it for her.
Many thanks Prof. Sam 👏👏
After years of marriage to my ex husband I became very suicidal until I divorced him and realized a lot of things you have taught me. Also I realized that suicide doesn’t end my pain it only changes my environment to a place I am not able to understand or control. After all, what comes after suicide is unknown.
[7:00] In addition cutting, do piercing and tattooing also qualitify as forms of self mutilation or self harm?
No.
"a commited partner if you know how to be with her and how to work with her" - do you suggest that it is possible to be in a relationship with a borderline despite of the "I hate you - don't leave me" (abandonment/rejection-engulfment/intimacy, approach-avoidance repetition compulsion)- dynamics? So please give me an instruction manual - thank you in advance
Search the BPD playlist.
do severe avoidents also have some traits of bordeline.? been dating a girl and she has some traits of both.
No. But the PDs can be comorbid.
I died at your intro!!🤣😂
Dr. Vaknin, would you please explain further what You said at 2:30, that borderline is merely a REACTION to narcissism.
Search the BPD playlist for failed narcissism.
@@samvakninI appreciate your answering my question, Professor.
P.S. Short duration of the video allowed me to watch it a couple of times and catch most of those meaningful words and expressions You use with such a precision. Thank you.
Prof. Vaknin's said that reaching the mid 40s of a person's life, bpd may automatically regress and heal. Now I'm wondering, if a woman with bpd has a child after this happens, she could be a good enough mother? ! I mean ... For what I've understood watching these videos, a mother with bpd is very difficult to be a mother that can allow his child to separete and individuate, (or generally to have no problems in the future with his mental health). I know a lady in his early 40s, she wants a child, and now his episodes of acting out are decreasing (less often and less intense). She has never wanted to go to a psychologist, and now may be there is a chance with a natural remission of the symptoms. It's a particular age anyways, cause if you choose to have a child, you risk that it's too late, if in the end you are no fertil anymore.
Please tell me in which lecture is it said about the cure at the age of 40 from PRL?
@@ЕленаЛейтан-й5т я лично не помню, где именно, но Сэм не раз говорил, что после 40ка пограничка может внезапно взять и пройти. И вообще это популярная точка зрения.
Но, как я это вижу, хорошего тут мало. Все то живое, что человек с ПРЛ сохранял(а) в себе - и что по большей части уже умирает у "нормальных" людей лет в 20-25, если не раньше, - уходит в случаях таких внезапных "исцелений". Что-то внутри нее/него ломается.
И, имнсхо, такому исходу может поспособствовать и рекомендуемая для ПРЛ КПТ/ДПТ. Я считаю, что люди с пограничкой должны идти первыми в списке тех, кому эти подходы противопоказаны. Предлагаю задуматься, почему такой большой процент погранични_ц бросает терапию (точно с ними всегда что-то не так, а не с ней?). Почему такой высокий процент самовыпила (проценты мы же имеем по тем, кто были в терапии в основном. рискну предположить, что и она может быть весомым фактором)...
Опять же, это "лишь" мое мнение (но для него более чем достаточно оснований): есть более адекватный подход, только, чтобы использовать его успешно (ну и понять его суть in the first place, ofc), придется отринуть кое-что, что все, кажется, принимают за аксиому.
Детально все в комменте просто нереально описать, а если как-то ужать попытаюсь, то почти наверняка сложится неверное представление.
Если интересно, можем связаться где-нибудь и обсудить.
P.S. Если что, не предлагаю никаких услуг. Просто меня по ряду причин (личных в том числе) волнует эта проблема.
P.P.S. У меня нет ПРЛ. И от других РЛ не страдаю (и не "наслаждаюсь" ими эго-синтонично).
@@Notvailableviathischannel thank you
@@ЕленаЛейтан-й5тthere isn't much to thank me for (yet?). Но если мой коммент вдруг помог взглянуть под другим углом (мб что-то внутри откликнулось) - уже хорошо. Можете оставить свои контакты, если хотите.
I know a few and in their 30s they become normal people and they never had any treatment. Of course, I am not saying they are all like that.
Can you make a video on the similarities and differences between the pure psychopath and the borderline psychopath.
Search the comorbidities and the BPD playlists.
6:06 In other videos you used to say that BPD has good object, unlike narccsists, who have bad object.
This is a summary of the orthodoxy, the consensus - not of my work or views.
doe antidepressants help stabilize a person with narcisits and borderline traits? ( and maybe others..)?
No.
They just numb them out. It probably truncates the extremes. The rest stays the same or slows down the unstoppable deterioration. It's like a lobotomy in pill form.
Ha…you got me. 🥺😭😌
Let me get this right. There is treatment for the BPD if they want it and accept it. What about the narcissism side. You have stated there is no cure for that?? When the narcissism is abusive & destructive. It is just too hard to live with.
Most borderlines are not narcissists.
@@samvaknin I'm not sure about that. When I've heard the BPD person can have narcissistic tendencies. And, an overlapping. Where it's confusing.
@@ledi-bideereflections4081 traits overlap between many disorders. The true borderline however is NOT a narvissist. And the true narcissist may decompensate into borderline behViors but is not bpd. Youre getting traits and full disorders confused.
@@marciestoddard730 I totally agree. In my late teens-early 20s I behaved exactly like a narcissist, and my internal thought process was a lot like one too. But my core desire was to be loved and accepted by others. Whereas a true narcissist wants to have power and control. By my late mid 20s I'd become a 'traditional borderline', and lost most of my narcissistic traits because they were so harmful to people. And now in my 30s I'm a 'high functioning borderline' who can almost think and act like a healthy person
I do think that narcissists can get better too. But since their core desire is less socially positive they have a lot less motivation
@@ledi-bideereflections4081she probably struggles with cognitive empathy. Struggles with cognitive empathy can look and feel like a lack of empathy. They feel empathy they just have trouble putting themselves in you shoes. Lack of cognitive empathy can affect their loved ones negatively. But awareness on the borderlines end and communication in a positive manner can help
Prof, could you estimate how a relationship between a bpd woman and a (most probably) codependent man will evolve? According to science i assume it's something beneficial for the bpd person?
The pathologies match well. Will make a video.
All of this describes me with 100% accuracy.
all of this is true for me but years in I realized close relationships were my trigger and I had tantrums I tried to communicate because I knew my exact triggers about their ex especially casually, i had a blue shirt on he would say so and so liked blue now I didnt. Another was very angry about his high school ex cheating and she was currently with his step brother he broke up with me and begged me to come back 3 times a week we were out one day with his public and i jumped up and hugged him, he hardly hugged me back and said she used to do that, we saw eachother less and less because he got mad more than me he brought me candy and presents, one day he came over and asked if i was done with him because a girl at a party asked him out, He was very handsome but I am too I had tattoos still do and we got one together. he told me hes usually the cool one in his relationships, I walked by a shop and new girl was on his lap she was pretty, plain. then my tattooist said theyd been coming in and he was covered. I felt sick when I saw them months later he was driving the same kind of car as me an old volvo. ive slit my wrist deep when guys wouldnt shut up taken a bottle of klonopin which isnt fatal. Anyway I moved away and met one more who was so bizzare he blamed his aspies on, he did a number on me and i maybe saw him twice, He cried a lot I lost a ton of weight. After I did cam shows for money alone, i stopped after getting a regular job. My sex drive was gigh and I was meeting guys online I was always on the pill and had check ups regularly, there were less than in LA but for a while I had 3 guys in LA no emotion i got along with one more than the others then one weekend they all fell apart like 2 met girls that had relationship potential. i may have met some after but after 2020 my sex drive and socialization needs were over, I was awarded disablity and I dont want to see anyone there are 2 people I let my anger out on in email, I apologized and the worst was her mom had bpd. i wrote this essay to ask whats happening now that I dont need people thanks
Thank you
Is overeating and making yourself sick afterwards a form of self harm?
No. Bulimia has a different etiology,
This sounds so horrible for me beeing bpd.. what to do😢
Are fearful avoidant attachers the same as bpd and dismissive avoidants as npd? If not what are the main differences? Do children of bpds turn out npds and children of npds bpds?
Search the channel for "attach".
I adore him not only for his knowledge but his humour. I wonder if he looking for a wife?
I think he already has one.
I might last a day being alone after that I go crazy😮
Any chance you would make a reading list for high level stuff: what to choose from Kohut, Winicot, Bion, Klein, Kernberg etc.? Not for just BPD or personal growth but for professionals.
See the literature section in the descriptions of the videos.
😌👍🏾 good stuff!
Can the borderline fake it like the narcissist does at work and in public and waits until he gets home?
No.
@@samvakninuntil high funcation?
Nope. Borderlines are much more true to their feelings vs. Projecting an image to others.
@@marciestoddard730what if its someone with BPD and NPD or maybe some ASPD traits? I always thought I had BPD symptoms, but I can keep it cool if I have to, until I get home.
@@OoLiiMiiT3Dif you have Antisocial traits but not the disorder you might struggle with cognitive empathy or even have Alexithymia
My spouse w/bpd just abandoned me. She ditched me downtown after saying, 'Ive decided to move out". When I got back to the house, all of her things were gone. The date was a diversion. She and her groupies are unresponsive, Ive been blocked on all channels. 10 yrs marriage, with therapy and counseling. She had a good life, but I guess she had better people to outsourcing coping her emotions for her.
Is it possible to to re-attract a borderline woman once she discards you or is she gone forever?
Don't. It's a form of self-harm, buddy.
@@JediMindtrick91 was just curious. I will never go near her again.
@@Asmodeus2295i know it‘s tempting but don‘t even think about it. I have to admit this from my own experience.
@@JediMindtrick91 yep it will only be worse than before. She cannot hide her true feelings and emotions anymore. I actually see how much of a bitch she actually is after she vilified me on social media even though I was respectful to her after she chose to break up with me.
In my experience it always happens on accident lol
Different expressions of the same disorder.
Spot on
Is promiscuity or unprotected sex a self harm or self destruction by BPD
Yes.
Do not date or go near these people.
💀💀💀
I'm these people and I can confirm 💯
8:38 omg just by you speaking about it, it’s making me very upset 😭😭 I need to take a pause .