Borderline Triangulates with Rescuer to Silence Pain, Abandonment Anxiety
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- Опубліковано 15 бер 2020
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As an experienced HSP. Being in a relationship with a borderline is, an all together, heart breaking experience. It's as if trying to pull someone out of a fire just to watch them jump right back in.
It’s also almost like they say they don’t want to go back into the fire, but then they smile and prance back into it gladly. Then complain only to be pulled out and gladly jump back in, signaling with a childlike smile and wave, for you to jump in the fire with her again to pull her out.
i know I'm pretty off topic but does anyone know a good place to watch new series online ?
@Winston Dwayne flixportal :P
@Mitchell Bennett Thanks, I signed up and it seems like a nice service :D Appreciate it!
@Winston Dwayne Happy to help =)
Exactly, it's like the relationship never happened.
Yes
This is scary.
Out of all the videos of BPD, it is the most accurate. Every single word.
Thank you
I would throw out BDP as a name(Emotional Instabile PD as alternative is downplaying, nonsense). The variation of Narcissism (overt, covert and maybe other individual shapes) with long time PTSD makes just sense.
When lower or higher narcissistic ideologized(terms, beliefs, philosophy with feeling connections) people come to a PTSD situation and struggles, they are into both, so the names are more correct.
Women western mainstream socialization (or a mainstream in US is religious like western EU around 50to100+years ago) are in tendency more humble and sweet, "sensible"< but sensitive, in a fassade and believe much more (eso hocuspocus is a known selfimage at a mass of women).
And primitivism says as well "someone must be guilty/has to get blamed" >> no complex structural thinking, thinking of enlightenment in hard facts, because of "let them play in their women fantasy world" as childs and up while men have to think mostly rational-materialistic as philosophy(not the commercial meaning) and have to be easy instead of emo escalation(other examples are enough out there).
So capitalistic phil. thinking (for artificial honor/value and consume, "you are a tool, an investent or a fool") is the core of narcissistic thought and feel school for relations (especially the priviledged good looking ones, the half covert, overt princesses).
So it seems just as an extra case, but they have the devastating thoughts, beliefs, life philosoph, that are of course connected to feelings. They can't stand the thoughts, the circles and the connected feelings - this is the order.
They try to externalize the thoughts, the blame and you are the bad for their own as weakness seen stuff... (mainly they look for partners, that are these "normal" in thinking, these capitalistic calculations in social, so they may *judge* partial right there, but...^^ "You are not bad as me, but I will make you more worse!" is their program. Some more overt, women in tendency more in a framing believe. My last ex more soziopathic calculative in her ordered chaos, a mix with believe)
Every word hit a cord. Every action she took you talked about. Every reaction to reconnect you nailed.
I'm female and grew up with women who have BPD, and they triangulate family members in the same way.
That Dialogue Coach
Yes my mother even triangulated me against the family dog 🐕 believe it or not!
How do did you handle it? Whole family has npd bpd psychopathy or just narcissism. Triangulation and betrayal is like second nature, I’m just out numbered
Insanity is now sanity in my family’s eyes
@@ryanfatguyinlilcoat2436 I would ask, what do they think of ideas, terms like "honor/pride, value - scaling/leveling/ranking (of people instead of good or hurting characteristics, persuations, habits, false beliefs with consequences), shame, guilt, blame, punishment" and being a character like a stone as significant "individuality"?
(the teach, belief of "you are you and have the right to be whatever it is, stay as this, be proud, love yourself")
Maybe they are believers in that way?
I DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND THE BORDERLINE AT ALL. How do they automatically forget the ex completely, yet create a false narrative about what happened with the ex, when they have wiped them from their memory???? Wht do they rell people the ex abused them if they dont remember the person. Why do feel guilty about if they don't remember anything about the person? I wish it was so easy for the people whose normal people whose minds are completely fuck up by them and try desperately to remove the borderlines' mental illness glued into their brains. The only thing that made sense here is why my ex was still, apparently hoping to get together with the father of their child, even they the court ordered they couldn't go within 20 meters of each other. He's there to pick up the child. My God this guys videos are making me feel bad. I spent a month feeling intense sadness over leaving my ex, she felt NOTHING!!!!!!! why the shame and guilt then?
Such a depth of knowledge here. BPD and NPD are such deep disorders. My wife has NPD and I had a very good friend (I suppose I was the rescuer she tried to triangulate with) who has BPD. Her husband also has NPD. We trauma bonded when she idealized me and she is now devaluing me. It’s just such a mess and understanding these things really does offer a measure of comfort.
I have been in a real state of shock and confusion since my girlfriend discarded me completely. I finally now understand why this happened thanks to this video.
It's really just so sad at the end of the day because it can cause a lot of hurt for both involved.
I've never experienced this before and I was really blindsided.... but being a victim is not an option. Growth through the pain is the only way forward.
Love to all x
I'm sorry you went through this. Your attitude is great.
I chose to forget my BPD girlfriend and you can do that by throwing away the thought every time it comes into your head and not making a home for that thought it may take 10 times it may take 100 but it will leave you but you won’t forget the lesson
@@Lamarck922 great advice, thank you very much
Person with Borderline disorder is a river... any second is a new river and you encounter with new state... what a deep metaphor. Thanks a lot.
Being with a lady with bpd is like realizing you're in the matrix but she stays asleep in a glass box
I am the Psychopathic borderline and i almost killed myself when my ex narc of 10 years and me seperated. Everything u say about boarderline and narc is spot on and has completely explained my experiences thank u so much for giving me some understanding and now I know im not alone in these situations as i still do love my ex partner very much but we are now worst enemies and he hasnt talked to me in 2 years. Ive done and hes done everything u have said.
Do you have a false identity, cause my mom is a psychopath and has a fake persona, but when I tell her she just denies it, so I always talk past her
Me too and not proud adverse childhood trauma and some made ne too tough half Republic of Ireland ROMA England and military family all nuts in different ways
I would ask, what do you think of ideas, terms like "honor/pride, value - scaling/leveling/ranking (of people instead of good or hurting characteristics, persuations, habits, false beliefs with consequences), shame, guilt, blame, punishment" and being a character like a stone as significant "individuality"?
(the teach, belief of "you are you and have the right to be whatever it is, stay as this, be proud, love yourself")
So you cheated on him?
Sam. This is the best video I have ever heard on this topic. I was diagnosed w CPTSD 2 years ago and have had so many borderline traits and acted out in similar fashion. I felt so terrible about myself utterly terrible. I'm been in therapy all of my life trying to fix myself from the trauma of my childhood. Yep u guesses it. Lots of physical violence. I'm lucky to be alive! It's hard work but I'm getting healed by EMDR, flash therapy and CBT. I'm going to listen to the other videos because I was so worried that I was truly borderline and there was so hope for me. Thank u so much! Sam, my informing me so well about all of these mental disorders, you have empowered me and saved my mental life. It's been a long journey. I'm so grateful for my skilled therapist and how she is helping me to heal and grow. I'm 52 and somewhat hopeful about my romantic future. I'm a a narcissist now, but I made him move out. I used to beat my chest in my 20s, used to be promiscuous and use alcohol though not addicted thankfully in the manner u say here. I cannot ever cheat on my partner. My bf does all the malignant stuff u describe in other videos. So, I'm aware but I will not cheat on him. I will break up w him. I'm made a list of what I want from an intimate partner and am growing so much. I'm my own savior now. Never really been a damsel in distress. I finally am climbing the ladder at work. Now I'm out of debt, bought a lovely home, live below my means am comfortable w being alone and have healed many relationships w family that were hurting. And, its because of scholars and pioneers like u, Sam! Thank u so much for using yr immense intelligence, hard work and scholarly life for the betterment of mankind.
Ditto its mad my mum NPD PSYCHO BUT MY X FIANCE I THINK WAS BDP IM CPTSD PTSD OCD ADHD AND MY X I COULD HANDLE WAY EASIER THAN MY MOTHER AND WISH I HADN'T ENDED IT HE WAS A REAL MAN AND WE BOTH DIDN'T HAVE NORMAL?? VIOLENCE PSYCHO PARENTS BUT IT WAS THE THING HE SAID THAT CRUCIFIED ME NEVER EVER HIT ME TRAVELLING THE WORLD WITH HIM BUT IM TOUGH AND STUPID AND STUBBORN HEY HO OK ON MY OWN ANYWAY DID 13 YEAR THOUGH XX
I can’t understand how real unconditional love is unattainable for a borderline. I gave her everything I could by way of support, unconditional love, and selfless compassion. It meant absolutely nothing when she left. Shit is nuts
I would ask, what do you think of ideas, terms like "honor/pride, value - scaling/leveling/ranking (of people instead of good or hurting characteristics, persuations, habits, false beliefs with consequences), shame, guilt, blame, punishment" and being a character like a stone as significant "individuality"?
(the teach, belief of "you are you and have the right to be whatever it is, stay as this, be proud, love yourself")
PTSD is one thing, but ...
@@showcasesportsnextgen9028 The narc entitlement, the framing focus.
I would throw out BDP as a name(Emotional Instabile PD as alternative is downlaying nonsense). The variation and 'envelopment' stage of Narcissism (overt, covert and maybe other individual shapes) with long time PTSD makes just sense.
When lower or higher narcissistic ideologized(terms, beliefs, philosophy with feeling connections) people come to a PTSD situation and struggles, they are into both, so the names are more correct.
Women western mainstream socialization (or a mainstream in US is religious like western EU around 50to100+years ago) are in tendency more humble and sweet, "sensible"< but sensitive, in a fassade and believe much more (eso hocuspocus is a known selfimage at a mass of women).
And primitivism says as well "someone must be guilty/has to get blamed" >> no complex structural thinking, thinking of enlightenment in hard facts, because of "let them play in their women fantasy world" as childs and up while men have to think mostly rational-materialistic as philosophy(not the commercial meaning) and have to be easy instead of emo escalation(other examples are enough out there).
So capitalistic phil. thinking (for artificial honor/value and consume, "you are a tool, an investent or a fool") is the core of narcissistic thought and feel school for relations (especially the priviledged good looking ones, the half covert, overt princesses).
So it seems just as an extra case, but they have the devastating thoughts, beliefs, life philosoph, that are of course connected to feelings. They can't stand the thoughts, the circles and the connected feelings - this is the order.
They try to externalize the thoughts, the blame and you are the bad for their own as weakness seen stuff... (mainly they look for partners, that are these "normal" in thinking, these capitalistic calculations in social, so they may *judge* partial right there, but...^^ "You are not bad as me, but I will make you more worse!" is their program. Some more overt, women in tendency more in a framing believe. My last ex more soziopathic calculative in her ordered chaos, a mix with believe)
Spent 5 years with a borderline, I knew something was up but always treated him with kindness, eventually I was discarded twice during the pandemic. I detached with love, after he discarded me in a text when I wouldn't move back in. He said, its not your fault, and all the best. Of course I was replaced instantly. Devastated twice in one pandemic thankful for my therapist who told me I have experienced "emotional violence" that is why I was so traumatized.
Same here. Sucks
Especially the latter half is so deep on the borderline female mechanics. I have been targeted as "Favourite Person" for several Borderline female friends in my 60 years & they are more maddening than a NPD, bc they have a human deep side & can have empathy & you FEEL for them & that is how my overly caring/rescuing personality type finds them so heartbreaking & frustrating. They can't help it. However I have to cut them loose to survive because they will blow me out emotionally & adrenally. They are exhausting. The lack of logic OMG you feel like you are now chained to their paranoid ever shifting minefield & being manipulated to dance. Permission for Peace, please. If they were getting real help I could cope but I have to stop casting my pearls ...
If I were to explainmy life in general dealing w these people.... I could not have said it better than you have Rose. Best of luck to us all🌹
@@Humanaut. Hi, I like everything you wrote except one thing. Perhaps the person that you were with did not want help nor to look in the mirror. To assume all BPD sufferers are like that is dangerous. Maybe many are like that. Not all are. For example, Marsha Linehan. I am sorry that you had such a bad experience. Please consider not splitting like the borderline does and not generalize people. Thank you.
Rescuers are narcissists affixed to that attention and availing that carrot for the rabbits to chase.. rabbids for drugs party ppl clingy see how beloved the narc is.. then power plays to convince ppl its everyone else not them. Any cost to defile their disposed and DESERVING IT TOTALLY , WHATEVER THE VALUE OF DAY ENTERTAINS THE WORTH.. AFFORDABLE emptiness when adoring BELOVED chase.. then disservicing disenchanted everyone a conquest bored later with same type actions. They all not he or she needs mental treatment , which won't charge anything bc the environs hadn't... keep calling every interst or refusal for sex favor, disposed emptiness a psychopath when their own strings -the narc was pulling itself to get desired responses, as puppeteers. Figure out they were being used for drugs, protection, yes snd whipping poster happy horses... riding into dinner and beyond. First misstep, abused fully and tossed even creating that experience watching close friends relatives in this way. Abuse is abuse every firm and a Rescuer's protectee does discover they are the victims for egomaniac and flee bc intensity of damage needs find self respect and protect others in periphery.
@@musakui Thanks for calling me an annoying person. Your entire response is indicative of your level of consciousness. Who said that I was offended? You did, by assumption. You don't know me and you really are way off on my intentions. Perhaps you are projecting and you are the annoying person who is easily offended.
@@libster9631 THANK YOU
Spot on Spot on Spot on! Especially the part on blame shifting, attempting to keep me around in the slightest way at the end of the relationship and trying to provide closure through bullshit excuses and new narrative as to why it all fell apart.
Listening to this video is both fascinating and heart breaking as it makes me re-live the most hurtful experience of my private life. Finding a reason, even this way helps a lot. Thank you.
This video really hurts me to hear because i am reminded of exactly what happened to me with my ex in so many ways. Scary how much what he is saying relates to me - from the triangulation, to the confabulations, to how the pwBPD dissociate. It all hurts because of how much I loved her. I need to use this pain as a way to grow, and just move on.
As a borderline female myself, your videos have so far seriously been the most helpful insight into why I’m doing what I’m doing, and as my partner I’m pretty sure is NPD....many of these are so on par it’s a little bit scary to receive this insight...it’s terrifying actually. Thank you for your videos. 💕
Phew...this is insane. This is the confirmation I was looking for.
Every single word describes exactly what i've been through with my (ex)wife.
We have 2 little kids together and the rolercoaster never seems to stop...
The splitting, the cheating, the sex, everything.
Does it make sense to share this video with her or is it pointless?
Thank you so much doctor Vaknin.
pointless
Don’t share
I'm so sorry Mike that you and your little ones have had to suffer through this madness
My daughter and I had to and still are having to ride this Rollercoaster from hell.
False allegations , parental alienation triangulation from her new partners. It's been a nightmare.
I pray you are never falsely accused of molesting your children as I was.
Dean Tong is a forensic consultant who specializes in these type of cases. Dr. Craig Childress is a clinical psychologist who is also tops in his field.
Dean Tong can refer you to a highly qualified attorney in your area who can assist you presenting crucial information
as we as Dr Childress can help the family courts judge understand how unstable and abusive your wife may be of which is not in your children's best interest to be in her care without a court appointed monitor.
Sam's information and enormous knowledge with these personality types is beyond spot on !!
God bless you and your children
🙏🙏🙏❤
@@iamthestorm1004my partner is going through this with his ex of 16 years . his two boys chose to live with him and so his ex has cut the boys off and told them and the dad they are not allowed to see their 4 year old sister anymore . she has accused him of the most heinous things . He’s gone through hell . what mother cuts off her boys ans keeps the daughter hidden.
This video showed me that my most recent ex, who presented so much as a so-called "vulnerable" narcissist, is more than likely suffering from BPD. This explains her lack of hoovering and certain things that transpired during what I, up until now, perceived as a narcissistic discard that did not match what I had understood about such an event. Knowing what I know about her childhood, either one of them is possible but now I see it is more than likely BPD.
Sam, I have been following you for 2 years . This is the most clear example of whats has happened in my marriage and my life . This is exactly what is happening in my marriage . i want to sincerely thank you for producing this video . you have truly helped me Sam and i am very grateful .healing and moving forward . RJ Portsmouth, NH. USA
My bpd symptoms are pretty extreme. I cant be promiscuous though because I cant live with myself letting people use me like that. Just thought is almost enraging.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
@Be The Change You Want just another lie from her....
Thank you. I'm not promiscuous, either. I have never cheated, in my 40s, my husband would be gone for months or years at a time, I was married for 14 years, and I would never cheat. I don't forget the people I have loved. I have an extremely hard time letting them go. It has been 7 years since the last person I loved discarded me and I've never been able to let them go. Never talked to anyone else, never dated anyone else, never had sex with anyone else. Before that, I spent many years alone and was A-OK with it. It's like so much of what he says makes sense then so much of it does not because it's so completely different from how I am.
@@SuperJneil huh
@@Anna-xn8ds I can relate. It's very tough.
This is what happened to me. I had nothing to do with these people. They went behind my back, started using my name, and started triangulating/ using my name in conjunction with their relationships, and I had nothing to do with them nor their relationship. Crazy and bizarre. These people keep stalking me too.
my ex borderline dissociated on insane levels where she had multiple personalities
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much you helped me. I ran from BPD ex and got hoovered, discarded and then she started dating a much older guy 1 week later. Seemed like the first one to come along? She sent me a text to say they are ‘serious’. I’ve blocked her, no triangulation, no second chances.
As a teen I had quite some borderline friends around me. I fell for their threats many years until I learned from a therapist to give them back their freedom and agency. If they threaten me today, I reply calmly without any hate but love: I trust in your ability and choices.
I have what they call a subtype (not in dsm) quite borderline. I cannot relate to some of the things mentioned even though I see that some borderlines do those things to regulate. I don’t triangulate because I’m very aware (and intuitively always was) of how it affects others and how it backfires (my bpd friend does aggressively even in friendships). I would never ever pick up a stranger to regulate myself. I do not engage in risky behaviors. So it’s a spectrum. Not every borderline is this way even though some of the traits as well as mentioned ones are shared.
This Describes very well my borderline ex girlfriend. The part about object impermanence is uncanny...we were togheter for 3 years, had an amazing friendship and human connection as part of the relationship, lots of interests together...none of this matthered to her when she left me for someone else she barely knew.
I feel sorry for the good men that fall for such individuals, all that dirty energy they bring into a descent person’s life 🤔
Sam, I feel so many of your videos are finally giving me validation of not only my experiences with many narcissists, but my own theories about BPD and DID. It not only describes my life but to my deepest fears. I lost 2 parents to suicide. My mother had at least 3 attempts. I felt like I was raised by 2 moms... Thank you for your work.
i’m sorry for your loss
So as a non narcissist I was with a BDP for 7 years and she did everything she could to drive me away ? why does this happen given their deep fear of abandonment??
Watch my videos on the borderline's engulfment anxiety.
This applies also to an intense mother-daughter relationship, in the absence of an intimate partner.
I'm extremely BPD/NPD and I can confirm almost everything you are saying in this video and recently went through almost the exact same thing. My BPD/NPD ex did all these same things and on several occasions mentioned that she NEVER expected our relationship to work from the jump, constantly accused me of cheating and dumped me numerous times only to feel abandoned and beg me back within hours or days of ditching me. She called me a Narcissist time and time again (which she wasn't wrong, but didn't know I was Co-morbid BPD as well) because I'm very grandiose on the BPD spectrum and only divert to covert when I'm in a down spot in my life. You're videos are quite insightful.
This is an amazing video. Makes me understand so much about my husband.i could never identify what was happening underneath his alcoholism and his need for constantly being reassure that I still love him
Same here but flip the genders. It was a giant, confusing mess. It's not anymore. It all makes perfect sense.
You are such intelligent man.Thank you for the video’s ❤️
Amazing how spot on this trio of BPD videos are! Never to blame... Put me through hell
I absolutely loved the greeting!
I'm dating a boarder line and object inconsistencies explains why 4 out of 5 years were nothing but cheating and crazy making as well as triangulation. It basically sounds like there is no hope for a relationship in the end just like I have been feeling for these past 5 years
Yep, there is no hope unless the borderline partner decide to cope with his/her behavior and starts an adequete treatment. I had a 7 months experience like this and it feels i lived all of what has been described by the prof. When u cut off the partner she/he will recontact you several times to project her/his internal pain or to recreate the initial bound
Wow, another master piece from a master, thank you so much Sam Vaknin!
U are A Genius WOW! Described my Ex with every single word 😩
The last 25 videos has been interesting and very informative not to say brilliant explained .🙂
@@Chris-0113 Yes facinating .
The only good thing thatcame from Covid19....Sam put his time to good use for the affected by making some super videos.
Nothing on the internet describes my ex better than this!!! My God…. It’s exactly her pattern for the last 3 years… to the letter. I thought I was going crazy.
Thank you, Sam!
This is Very Enlightening! Thank You.
Spot on. This describes my behavior so closely.
Spot in Sam. This has been my experience.
absolutely brilliant.
Spot on!! So helpful
Been thinking a man I've had an off and on relationship with for years was a narcissist... But THIS describes him more perfectly. Is this description also apparent in males? He seems to have traits of narcissism also. Co morbid?
Grandiosity is a critical dimension of Borderline Personality Disorder and, yes, it is diagnosed among men as well - but only by people who are qualified and trained to diagnose.
This is golden. I lived this with a now ex wife that I greatly believe is a borderline.
and then there was light. Thank you
I do a lot of research on npd and bpd and i am blown away by the depth of descriptions and knowledge here. So glad i stumbled upon your content.. especially as a personality disorder, in particular, research enthusiast.
The way you give us clarity and everything makes sense .. thank you ❤
You are amazing..just want to say ty so much for all you do for us..love you❤️ you keep me going during my pain..
Way to slap me in the face with the reality with who I really am lol. Which I knew anyway even if I don't verbalize a lot of it, like the sexual aspects you spoke of. It sucks but being self aware is the first step in trying to change the behaviors.
Borderlines go to the front of the line for me because there’s nothing more exciting as long as you walk into it with your eyes wide shut it’s a hell of a ride
so you cheated?
Why do borderlines communicate well with coworkers but not with her partner, mother, or friends?
12.10 my mother might have been borderline. She confused me completely with contradictory messages. She would berate me and then punish me for not having self confidence. Every She felt was something I'd done to fail her. She took even the slightest criticism from teachers as being shameful to her. Even me getting ill was about her. She was jealous of my fathers love for me and in the end persuaded him that I was reason for her mental state.
1) they don’t always do well with co-workers either. Borderlines are notorious for workplace affairs, criminal acts at work, etc.
2) sometimes, structure and consequences are enough to keep things in check, at least in some contexts.
I have borderline personnality disorder but sometimes I feel like I'm mor of a narcissist I can't even study for my exams cause I get bored easly I can't fix my goals I'm always depressed and can't finish something I started when I'm angry I break things I have rage I can even hit the person who made me angry I also feel that I'm special and I beleive so cause I'm very smart at manipulating people and people can never manipulate me cause I can tell when they do it
I got in relationship with a narcissist he doesn't hurt me or abuse me but he gives me silent treatment when I dont give him attention he makes me angry too and lash out on him
I left him forgot that I loved him when I see him I feel nothing now
Can you get therapy? Sometimes you need to find a good therapist. So if at first it doesn't work, go to someone else. For me, CBT was useless and DBT was a success.
Yes I feel the same, sometimes feel so high energy, sometimes very deep depression, all the time I change my plans the jobs the people, sometimes I am so angry who I am near to kill someone. Bordeline is destroye me everyday, you can't can control it
Knowledge is as knowledge does. I am grateful to have taken this knowledge for myself and to share. Thank you
Thank you.....
Thank You
I was more like this in my younger yrs of BPD I was extremely promiscuous until I learned my self worth the key to helping your BPD is too regulate your self esteem I’m 34 now once you get older you learn to manage it more however my abandonment wound runs soo deep that I’m scared of relationships as I can’t let go mentally of the person it’s soo hard.
Well, Dr. Sam...Wow...I as usual am hanging ion tight to your every word. Explained everything! To be aware, validated and educated...is to heal and be free. But, that...takes a lot of time and work.... and perseverance. TYSM, Dr. Sam. I hope you and Lydija are well...and stay well...and cautious and unstressed till the health situation at hand is all clear. God Bless You Both.
I hit the Like button as soon as you said Good Day Corona Virus survivors!! 😀👌👍
Sam you are a Genius, perfectly explained what my ex with BPD did to me and why, could you please do a seperate video on why pwBPD comes back or hoover, as you said in this video they dissociate so much that they are not same person every next minute or hour or day, then howcome they come back and hoover , just wanted to know as you said object inconstancy made them forget what they felt for you earlier, so when they come back or hoover do they then again magically remember those emotions for some hours or minutes. Also why do Borderlines ruminates when they dissociate so much. Also want you to provide information on how Borderlines use projective identification.
@@numindframetarot6046 Hi , thanks for the answer and you were certainly not over stepping, so what i understand from your answer and my pwBPD behaviour is you all did see the positive side of SO , when there is a distance and you will hoover, but as soon as you get closer to SO, you will again feel the same pain and instead of resolving it by talking to SO, you will again create something which will create the distance and the loop goes into infinite loop. Atleast this is what happened with my pwBPD, she will never try and talk to resolve things but will talk to her friends and will overshare everything, but will not talk to the relevent person the SO, but will hoover and ruminates, but will not talk. Silent treatment .....anyways thanks for the answer again.
It seems the response is no longer available. Going through something very similar and would appreciate any insight on this question
Very good info !! Bravo 👏
I really like to hear your analysis of "Sharp Objects" and personality disorders of characters.
I’d love to hear Sam Vankins take on male borderline personality disorder, great video.
Vaknin's
Sam Vaknin please my apologies, I was watching this in my phone, it’s a small keyboard and I have big hands haha. I meant to write Vaknin sir.
You are a genius man
Thank you
Great video!
You describe my whole life lol! It's not a fun life although it has it's moments. It's just nonstop chaos.
spot on
Everything you describe is exactly, to the tee, 100% what happened to me.
Object impermanance - my ex insisted on keeping an unwashed t-shirt of mine, even after breaking up with me. All you mention is so true!
I wish I would only just watch this, instead of actually going through it in real life. 🥺
This one nailed it . The BPD can do this with family members there children . I can see the complex menagerie of twisted story combining together in there head now. SHIT! I can see the shit shit shit...Damn you nailed it . Big help thanks.
I’m borderline and this is so hard to listen to but it’s true and I can’t stop.
I think this answered my question in another video comments section. My ex fits perfectly in the covert borderline description, but each time, I think I got mine, something is the opposite of certain descriptions that come up... I must be a borderline due to some early childhood trauma.
Amazing...🤔🤔
Hi
I am diagnosed with BPD and ADHD
I recognise so so much of the behaviours you talk about. For years I had no idea why I did what I did or felt how I felt.
I have been medicated and in therapy for 4 years now and I don’t feel the way I used to. I do still experience issues in the relationship I am in, which I have been back and forth with this man for 15 years. He is not diagnosed but recognises that he has traits similar to mine and narcissistic traits.
I no longer have addictions or outbursts on my own but although 5 minutes into the relationship with him and I am driven crazy and just want him to go away and leave me alone and 5 minutes without him I do nothing but want to be with him. These emotions are SO overwhelming and powerful that I feel hopeless of ever being able to have a normal happy life. It is so painful and exhausting. I feel like I have done so much to get myself “right”
@@jupiter7627 funny, a game of cat n mouse, my mum said exactly that tonight. I am self aware and question myself all the time “is this a BPD thing or is it real? … did I push him away because I felt he was trying to control me?… I don’t even trust myself anymore. He will never let me forget something I have done wrong. Yet he has done the exact same thing and tells me it’s in the past …. He brings up all my mistakes from the time we met and has an excuse for everything. I am forever apologising and in tears. He has no empathy at all. He owns up to things that he has done to hurt me and seems to be genuinely sorry and promises to change and stop doing that, but then suddenly I sense a black cloud and am blind sided by him not agreeing with what we talked about and will leave and ignore me for weeks, even months. I try to stay away waiting for him to see that he is in the wrong but he never does. But has admitted that he will stay in touch with my daughter to see what I am doing and go to the shops umpteen times a day to “accidentally” bump in to me. Decide to turn up at church when he has admitted that he doesn’t like church or even believe. Then I always end up running back to him. It’s like I can’t handle it and have to clear the air because I know it is hard for him to say sorry or approach me directly but pick up the hint that he is there because he wants to see me. I know him that well and he has told me that so I am forever trying to please him and prove myself because I put myself in his shoes. It is driving me crazy and all the good that has been done through therapy comes undone and I end up on a higher dose of medication. I went a year no contact and for that year I did really well then out of the blue he came to church. I couldn’t handle being ignored and watching him ignore me and laugh with everyone else knowing that this affects me so intensely until I approach him about it. Then he will admit to everything and be so nice for a week or two and then, without warning, the dark cloud is back and I am on eggshells knowing the past is about to come up or I have talked to someone too long or put one of my kids or someone else first. It is exhausting, yet I keep trying to prove to him and be more aware of his feelings, which seems like it will never be enough he just moves the bar.
And I agree. I didn't know I was dissociating but when I did it my ex's looked freaked out and would start yelling at me when all I was doing was getting super quiet so as to let my crazy show. And when I come out of it, I'm different. Now I'm still becca, I'm not that crazy, but I'm going "another route". Idk how to explain ir
Sam is there one video in particular in this series on borderlines that addresses the CPTSD issue and borderline traits? It's still tax season here in the US and my work hours are brutal lol. Thank u!!
I think I may be borderline but I wasn't sure because i don't cut myself. However I have done yoga and meditation for many years and have insights into myself. I have to say Dr. Sam you are spot on. Much Love
oh my god im a boarderline - sheeet - how do i get well i am exhausted by this - i am so tired of this behaviour of mine
DBT is a very effective therapy. It's successful. I did DBT and my life is soooooo much better now.
Damn... I wish I have watched this video at least 6 months ago. Its been nearly 5 months since I was expelled from her life and then, after a few video calls and a possibility of getting together again, I was told there was no love from her side. At all. She was the one at first talking about counselling and we had a trip to Tenerife on the way, which obviously never happened. The last time we met as by accident and her reaction was pretty much as if I was her enemy. After she ghosted me I did try to communicate via emails, which I never really got a reply. It passed xmas, New Years, my birthday and her birthday and zero communication, as if there was zero intimacy or all the connection she used to mention during sex was just thin air. She' has a degree in psychology and is currently finishing her masters, which seems like a highly functional borderline, but also highly manipulative. I was very reluctant to fall in love, but she made me feel at home, she used to call me home. We were all fine, or at least until she bring other guys as friends into the relationship. I guess they were more than friends, at least one was an ex with benefits, lets say. I do feel sorry for her, and sure I wish I new better. A friend tried to alert me about her behaviour, she was the one who told me that my girlfriend had borderline, as she's a doctor, who's patients have HIV and a huge number is also diagnosed as BPD. which did freak me out. My ex told me stories about men taking advantage of her but whenever Id ask why would she put herself in such situations she would automatically flip on me. I saw CRAZY in her eyes. She even called my dog, (a little Boston terrier and cutest thing on earth) a FUCKING DOG because she growled at her when she was ranting about my question one day. What sad me the most, apart from the no closure or explanation when she broke up for good, was that nothing she told me was real. She made me believe I was the one, but that never truly meant sh@t to her.
Exactly
Is it possible that one develops BPD after decades of (multiple forms of) abuse by the partner with NPD? After the discovery I have shown most of the characteristics you describes here. Eventually I couldn’t handle it anymore and ended.
CPTSD victims are indistinguishable from Borderlines. Watch the other two vids in the series (links in the video's description).
I think yes,because they are invalidated by the narcissist. Keep in mind, the person can have both BPD and CPTSD.
What do you think about someone who has a problem with crying at inappropriate times? Someone whose emotions are often so strong at either end of the range that they cannot control the crying. What is wrong with this person?
It is an indicator of depression (dysthimia or cyclothymia). In rare cases, people with Borderline or Histrionic Personality Disorder, or Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) react like this.
I'm confused. My Dad's second wife would leave him and phone his five adult daughter's to share how great her one night stand was, smoking puff and having sex. They were married for 30 years. The day Dad had a heart attack, she signed the DNR at the foot of the ambulance and eventually arrived at the hospital. Dad survived for a year in a hospice, in that time she'd removed his possessions, redecorated and had sex in their home with anyone offering but most disturbingly with long time male friends visiting Dad. Dad's first wife, my mother is a whole different story......
My understanding is new but I suspect the confusion will not leave me.
Lots of love to you and your wife Sam.
Many thanks for your insights, you're a treasure to me xx
Wow, and i thought what I have been experiencing was bad. You can't make this stuff up. Sorry to hear all this. Best wishes to you...
that is what i was trying to understand, some bpd women are secondary pscyopathic
my mum is boderline, it is so painful to cope with them((( i do not know how to deal with her any more, her behavier when she retired became worse and i am an only relative remained in her life/ but i am tired of her drama, agression and envy/do not know what to do/ no contact is not the option becouse there is nobody to take care about her. i am an empath, my father has NPD and a social adapted pshycopath, sister is a narc , her husband a psycopath too/ do not know how i survived, my grandparents was empathes too, i am so grateful for all they gave me, but they passed away early becouse of heart problems / i have problems with heart too. be in such toxic families are cost a lot/ send love for everyone/ now i am grateful to understand who of my family is who/ it is helpful to understand that is not my fault and i really can not to help them unfortunatelly/ i am not i rescuer any more and trying to love myself and not to be codependent and supply for them/
This video is word for word exactly to the letter what I just went through. The safe place was almost scary perfect. This video ushered in finally the grieving for the woman she pretended in the beginning. Now all she is to me is a villain. A sick and dangerous villain
You make me laugh Prof. Sam. Your theories are spot on!!
U are a Genius every word is True, however i waa diagnosed with Cptsd instead of Bpd
Ppl with cptsd are often misdiagnosed with bpd
I have a question. What if she does own it? See this happened to me. All of this. Hubby presented himself in a beautiful manner. We got married and everything changed. He starved me of the attention that I needed. I admit I need attention. I tried to bargain with him and he never cared. Steppes all over my boundaries. I went crazy. I had a full blown affair for a few months. He found out and I owned it right away. I felt with it. I put my pride aside and I tried to work everything out. A few years later and my husband has punished me over and over again. I want yo leave but we have 3 kids.
Anyway, what if I owned it. It didn't kill me to own it. It hurt, but I did it. And I completely stopped the behavior.
That chaos she created was terrible. I don't miss hating my life. If only she was capable of insight...
:) thanks
Ssm watched u for years I have BPD my ex had aspd.ajd he did sort of relax me with his lack of care cos I cared so much we on off for 5yrs.in end ur right I abandoned him would love to talk to u xc
Excellent information and content. I think the number of borderlines that actually commit suicide is around 10 percent but I have seen many different numbers quoted .
So you say that cpstd is indistinguishable from bpd. Then that confirms it for me. I must be borderline. I had my narc relationship already. It was one of the most painful transformative relationships I've ever survived. I used the experience to see deeply into myself why did I attract that to myself. I learned so much about my strengths and weaknesses. I love him still very Very dearly but from a long LONG distance. I give him the silent treatment for life. A behavior he taught me very well. I declare him my foe.
Absolutely. My experience is similar to what you went through.
Remember that you could have both CPTSD and BPD.
If someone has the urge to do what the Borderline would do in a crisis, but is aware that it's not a good idea and able to hold themselves back most of the time, and even if they slip they are able to get back on track within minutes (unless drunk) - is it still borderline? So, if they do have the impulse control, also impulse control not to get drunk, is it still borderline?
Yes, it is. Impulsivity is a diagnostic characteristic of F2 psychopaths, rather than Borderlines.
So spot on. Down to the forehead kiss.
I wonder if all this applies also to quiet borderline disorder or where the differences between quiet BPD and BPD are in reference to abandonment anxiety, self-harm or substance abuse.
Quiet (or shy) BPD is not a recognized mental health diagnosis and runs contarry to the current orthodoxy regarding BPD. It is promoted online by a handful of psychotherapists but has been soundly rejected by the profession.
My ex was quiet... described her to a tee