How Narcissist's Inner Child Sees YOU
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Narcissist's inner child is not his/her true self: it is a compendium of needs, especially the need to find a substitute mother and the need to separate and individuate.
IDEALIZATION in shared fantasy
She is ... GOOD MOTHER (breast)
Perfect, ideal, all good
Secure base: safe, trustworthy, reliable, resilient, responsive
Loves unconditionally: forgiving, accepting, authentic, rewarding
Power couple
DEVALUATION in shared fantasy
She is ... BAD MOMMY (breast)
Imperfect, all bad, persecutory
Unsafe, untrustworthy, unreliable, fragile/weak/vulnerable
Manipulative, transactional, fake, denying, rejecting, frustrating
Traitor, envious, passive-aggressive
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...
For 4.5 years, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I just thought it was poor communication and incompatibility. It was only after a horrible discard and two therapists confirming that I was suffering CPTSD and a trauma bond at the hands of a narcissist that I slowly realized what I had gone through. Fourteen months post-discard, I still find it hard to comprehend.
I had fallen in love with the most evil, complicated, fucked-up person I have ever met in my life! I’m not perfect, quite the opposite. I have faults, likely have an ADHD brain, and I do things without thinking. I’m hyper-vigilant and carry unresolved childhood trauma. But I’m a good human. I want the best for people, admit my mistakes, and love giving. What I experienced with this woman was on another level.
She broke me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I was comatose for months, in shock, and felt sick and angry by her lies, betrayal, and abuse. I couldn’t grasp who she really was. She did to me everything she said happened in her previous relationships. She, a charismatic woman, turned my life upside down. I saw all the red flags, my gut was screaming, I knew it was wrong, yet I put up with her behavior.
I’ve spent a year healing, trying to rid myself of her poison. I’ve done a lot of reading, watching vlogs and podcasts on BPD and NPD. It’s a mindfuck how someone can be so messed up and how I could have been so submissive to it. My childhood played a significant role in allowing her to brainwash me. After much ruminating and many ‘aha’ moments, I realized the behaviors I experienced were just the tip of the iceberg:
No empathy, no compassion, no compromise, no accountability. A grandiose sense of self, selfishness, hypocrisy, gaslighting, manipulation, ungratefulness, lying, cheating. She created a double life, had a string of lovers and exes she was sleeping with behind my back, and threatened my female friends to stay away from me. She treated me like dirt, and I couldn’t grasp who she really was.
She took pleasure in hurting my feelings. At night in bed, having created an argument, she would gratify herself sexually, getting off on the control. When I asked her to show me love, she told me to go and find some friends. She purposefully withheld affection, ruined holidays, and had wild rages. She accused me of being too needy as she was very likely getting attention elsewhere. I even babysat her kids while she went on dinner dates with exes.
She painted herself as having high morals, criticizing her friends for cheating, while she did the same. She would create conflict out of anything and was unable to resolve it. Everything was always my fault. She couldn’t communicate her needs and expected me to know them. She didn’t care about my needs, wants, or feelings. She loved playing the victim, flying into histrionic fits, accusing me of not loving her or thinking she was a bad mother. Nothing was ever her fault. The relationship lacked intimacy and vulnerability. Whenever I brought this up, she would rage and blame me for jeopardizing the relationship.
She criticized her friends behind their backs and her kids, yet was sweet as pie to their faces. She demanded marriage but then told me she didn’t need me for anything. She placed people in a list of importance and I was below her pets. It was always about what I could do for her. She would self-harm to manipulate, sending me photos of her bruised legs or cutting the word ‘sorry’ into her arm. She threatened suicide, blaming me for pushing her to it. She wanted me to react, to fall into reactive abuse, which I did frequently, feeling immense guilt.
She feigned ignorance whenever I told her something she didn’t like or something that put her out of control. She'd pretend not to understand and get me to repeat things to drive me mad. She projected her ex-husband as having a "personality disorder," an admission she knew about her own condition. When I met her, she accused her ex-husband of stalking her, but the truth was, she was also cheating on him.
Her family had gone no-contact with her for seven years. I'd never met anyone with such a high body count of people going no-contact. So many broken relationships and misunderstandings. Her 16-year-old son discovered her sexts with a lover and confronted her. I found out she had slept with many men behind her ex-husband’s back, accusing him of giving her herpes.
When I brought my six-year-old son from a previous relationship to stay, she gave him an evil stare and screamed at him for not playing nicely with her Lego. I'm sure she whispered nasty words into his ears. When I asked why she screamed at him, she replied, "I don’t give a fuck about him, he’s an ugly fuck and I can’t believe you spawned such a thing. I don’t even believe he’s yours."
When confronted, she would DARVO-Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Everything was transactional. Whatever I did, it was never good enough. She got angry with me for hurting her feelings. She was never interested in me or what I did. She never asked how I was feeling, and if she did, her eyes would glaze over.
When they are triggered, you are dealing with a traumatized, petulant child. Love is how they feel in the moment; it’s not unconditional. Everyone who disagrees with her is crazy. She triangulated, telling me her friends thought I was crazy and they all hated me. She used her kids against me, manipulating my actions and feelings. Behind my back, she smeared my name to everyone, spreading lies on social media. It was impossible to have an adult conversation.
And then she discarded me, smearing my name, accusing me of doing things she did herself. She smashed my heart into a million pieces. She had friends who enabled her, spying on me and justifying her behavior. Four months post-discard, she slipped back into my emails to gaslight me, asking to be friends, as she’s friend with all her exes!! When I confronted her about her cheating, she no longer wanted to be friends and threatened to call the police.
They are a mindfuck. You have no idea what you are waking up to. Every day, she was a different person. She was a beautiful siren, but underneath she was a truly nasty, cruel, malignant narcissistic sociopath with paranoid schizophrenia. Pure evil, a virus. As her brother put it, in the words of Chandler Bing: "Can open; worms everywhere!"
In the aftermath, I have spent a year healing, trying to rid myself of her poison. My health is improving, my mind is clearer, and I'm starting to feel like myself again. But the scars remain, a reminder of the darkest time in my life. I am determined to move forward, to reclaim my life, and to never let someone like her control me again.
Oh my God! You are so fortunate to have made it out alive.
I also experienced such things in my 5 month marriage it's very sad. 😢
@@Elennblacklame I haven't heard from her since she last contacted me in July 23. It's nearly a year now. She has someone else she's sucking the life out of. I feel sorry for him. I'm still hurting, still have bad days. Clearly there's a lot of unresolved trauma I have to deal with...It's going to be some time before I'm fully healed from this experience.
Omg this is pretty much my experience..
What ive learned besides things you said about her. I got problems too. I enable this treatment. I do manipulate too to make love be because im unhappy. I thought if i just do right and be good she will treat me same and it is very wrong.
In their head if you deal w this crap this means you tolerate this otherwise u would leave.
Sorry for your experience
If you had no children together, you've dodged a bullet
No wonder I went from sublime to worthless. I was dealing with a robotic 2-year-old.
@@maryvera123 lol 😆 same here and you know what I’m slowly getting over the getting mad stage cause these non humans are actually comical! They shouldn’t even be allowed in society! There should be a detention center for all narcissists
"Robotic 2 year old" might be the most concise description of a narcissist I've ever heard
At the same time I understand their pain sort of. They had to be a monster themselves in order to protect themselves from monsters who were trying to destroy him. The narcsisst had to create such a robot in order to destoy those who abused or even sexually molested him, so on. That's my guess but it doesn't change the fact that such a robotic 2-years-old can still kill you even though you do everything possible to make them understand that you are not one of those monsters.
@@maryvera123 I wish they could be healed but probably only God can heal them.
You said it..
In one word. Creepy.
This is so spot-on, I can't get over it. Every time he says, "The narcissist", he may as well just say my ex-husband's name.
When he acted more immature than his eight year old daughter and my other 3 young adult children I noticed it right away. I constantly told him when he made me feel like I was his mother not a very good mother was she either I told him that I WAS NOT HIS MOTHER. He hated it, and I began to wonder what his mother had done to him. I told him that I did not like his mother because she did not raise him properly and that I was not going to do her job or finish it. He raged and raged and I began to ignore everything he said during another one of his TEMPER TANTRUMS. I prefer speaking and engaging with ADULTS . He was the most immature and my children even saw it all. They knew better than to act like that towards or even around me. I tried to get him to GROW UP. He made me deal with EVERYTHING and knowing how childish he was I had to because I knew he made stupid childish choices and decisions about extremely difficult and important THINGS. I decided that I am not going to spend the rest of m y life trying to teach him how to behave like an ADULT> It became futile and I filed for divorce because of his horrible childish selfish ways.
You've just described my father perfectly!! It's so relieving to know that my family isn't the only one who has had to deal with a person who behaves like this. It was all so confusing and traumatizing...
So why did you have 3 kids with him...
@@THATS1CK I had 3 kids with the first narcissistic husband .
As an adult I steered clear of and would never speak to my Father because of what he did to my Mother. She taught me well hiw to handle my 2 husbands who were also both Narcissists. I know now what narcissism is i know now why i ended up with them. I promise myself never ever to fall for their lies again Whoever they are.@@ioannisbarrett1410
This was exactly my experience
Yes: I was his mother and his child. I was expected to cook and clean and stay home, while he came and went as he pleased, doing what he wanted. But I was also his child: He kept our finances secret. I was forbidden to open the bills. I had no idea what he made or what our mortgage was. He gave me an allowance of $5 a week. He would send me to my room when we fought. And he would ground me if he got angry enough. He would "let" me go to the library once a week in the evenings. But if I took that night and I wanted to stay home with him, he would say, "Then if you are going to stay home, then I am going out". He NEVER wanted to spend time together. He told me point blank that it was a waste of his time. This was before the internet, so I was cut off from any support system and I was alone. I was home all day with the kids, and home alone all night with the kids. I was overwhelmed and alone.
Everyone else just babbles about the same regurgitated junk about narcissists as the other ones who they stole their words and style from stuff but this man right here breaks it down like no other!
When we understand better WTH just happened us then the healing process looks/gets alot more smoother! And it is vital for our mental stability to not ever let this happen again!
They all plagiarize my original work dating back to the 1990s.
@@samvaknin I believe you! You’re definitely a pioneer and we all appreciate the work you’ve put forth and continue to do so 👏! I’ve pioneered a few things in my life and I know the feeling you have of others trying to make a name for themselves off of your hard work smh! They all owe you at least 20 percent of their earnings lol
I am curious why mainstream scientists are not interested in this, or they are made to be not interested to enlighten the public about this horror. They show murder in partnership or marriage but never question WHY
I guess they prefer we live in such mentally disordered asylum forever for their comfort.
Thank you Proff Sam. Very helpful. I wish more souls came across your channel.
In my 20's I lived with a narcissist for nine years, he finally found a new mommy and replaced me. I wish I could have thanked her. Then I found a new narcissist a few years later,I moved out of State ,but asked him to come with me, he did not😅, I dodged that bullet sort of. I'm 67 and narcissist free but I also had a relationship that ended 5 years ago when that narcissist devalued and discarded me. I'm 67 and happier then ever before.
Thank you Sam for your videos, they are of great value.
I’m in my 40s and just woke up that I have a narcissistic mother and then racially married her 😂😂😂. I want out and am working out but I hope to be like you. Single and loving life!!😊
@@DaughterofDiogenes
Stay single.
BTW I also never lived with another man after narcissist #1 .
@@carmenjacinto4426 for sure. Never again. It’s just not worth it. Female friendships, kids and cats are my go to now.
@@carmenjacinto4426 as long as you know your heart is pure and you have it your all then there’s no reason to even worry about them narcissists you’ve dealt with! I hope you finally meet the empath you were destined to meet and be with
@@QueensNewYorkguy
Thank you.✨️
Wow!!! This resignates in extreme detail with me. I literally told my ex that he seemed so innocent to me before the mask TOTALLY slipped.....i remember seeing him as if he could do no wrong and if I do things differently he would be fine and the more I show him how much I love him, the better off we would be. So far from the truth, no existence in reality...but that was in fact within the shared fantasy.....🤯
That´s one of the most creepy things I ever heard especially because I saw it happen.
My first husband treated me like a mother, waiting on him hand and foot. He was excited when we had our first child, a son. However, he was upset that I was not able to wait on him hand and foot anymore, because of the new baby. He also knew that it was healthy to for me to nurse the baby, but he was uncomfortable that I enjoyed nursing and cuddling the baby. I didn't know at the time that oxytocin is released for mom and baby during nursing, but I knew it was relaxing and bonding. And I knew I was not getting any bonding from my husband. Bottom line: he was jealous that I nursed the baby "so much" and he accused me of enjoying it sexually, which I thought was really creepy of him. Nursing, bonding, cuddling, were forging to him. He wanted me to hurry up and wean the baby and get back to being the housemaid, and wait on him. He also told me to not hold the baby so much, because it would "spoil" him. This interfered with my son's attachment. One time I said to my son, "come here and give mommy a kiss". Dad said, "Don't do it: she is TAKING kisses and not GIVING them". My son pushed me away and said, "You are taking kisses, not giving them". In retrospect, that is what sex was like with my husband: he was taking sex, and not giving love. No oxytocin there.
When she hurt me she had a children's laugh, which was strange...in the end she nearly killed.
Me
Thank you! Thank you! Thank You! This video is exactly what I needed in order to understand something that has been baffling me about an ex. The first time she told me that she "loved me", she said it in the voice and cadence of a child along with the mannerisms of a little girl. It wasn't the voice of an adult female trying to sound like a little girl either, it was legit, the voice of a little girl with all the mannerisms. I could have sworn I was talking to a 4 or 5 year old. I was thrown completely off and was a bit frozen. She also said this while in a rush. Her mother, of all people, (who incidentally, was very abusive to her as I had been learning) was waiting for her in the car (we were in a parking lot), and I had no time to process what happened. After she said it, she "skipped" away to her car and waiting mother. Skipping was not a thing she did, she was very stoic and reserved, so again, this childlike behavior threw me for a total loop. And when she said the words "I love you", it didn't feel like a romantic love an adult would express to another adult, it felt as though it was a child saying I love you to an adult with whom they felt safe and thankful for (like a parent). I felt like a protector in the moment. It all happened so fast that I was left wondering if I had experienced things the way I thought I did. This incident took place a day after we had had an argument about a lie she had been telling me about another person and that I had just discovered and called her out on. It wasn't long after that I broke up with her and began to learn about narcissism from friends who recognized the traits. In dealing with breaking from the ensuing trauma bond, I couldn't help wonder if this was her "legit" inner child or "core personality" somehow making contact with the outer world and saying "hey, I'm still here, thank you for loving me." That thought somewhat reassured me that perhaps under whatever trauma she suffered as a little girl, that she might still be in there somewhere and that she might be "fixable". I learned to let that thought go because it was keeping me attached to her energetically while maintaining no contact. But it has continued to baffle me and truthfully, freak me the heck out. It was just so weird and surreal and spooky to experience. This video helps give a lot of clarity on that situation and what was really happening. It is a bit sad to think that the "real" her is forever gone. It also begs some interesting questions about soul and if it exists etc... That's for another time I suppose... :) In either case, I can close that chapter of the mystery now... :) Thank you again!
“Before it kills you” is not metaphorical in my case.
This should be taught in high school, lives are being destroyed.....
So true
You are so spot on. My ex also was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer one year in to our relaionship so the mental health breakdowns I blamed on the testosterone deprevation treatments. Hes still alive four years later and I left when he outlived his life expectancy. So many layers...a nightmare.
You are the best Prof.talking about ,NPD.❤ thank you.
Oh my! I understand what you are saying. I am however, stronger, not weaker so I am not cooperating very well with his stages of progression. I always wondered why he kept saying "I don't need another mother" and "I can take care of myself" when I offered the most ordinary things to do for him. These videos are very informative and explain many things! I need this insight! Thank you!
You've described my sister of over fifty years. She's played this scenario out with me a few times over our lives as we've attempted to get along as friends. My metaphoric teeth have been kicked in many times. Well, she's actually physically beat me good a couple of times. I love her but, from a couple of years ago until forever, it has to be from a distance. Thank you for helping me make sense of it all.
Thank you again, Professor!! This explains so much...finally some clarity around feeling like I'm always doing something wrong unless I'm 1,000% emotionally available to my mother. Even at 54 and she's 81 ...living 7 states away from each other. It's been a daily battle for decades to know and understand why this is wrong.
By far the best video on NPD i’ve ever watched🙏 My missing him, just magically changed into to relief, thank you so much Sam🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Why i cant unlove him even after seeing his true self. So helpless.
That’s because you became the role of the parent
You feel like you’re abandoning them
in time you will be so over it you will be kicking yourself for not leaving sooner
When you understand they cannot process love or care for you, your best strategy is to get away, inact self preservation, and try your best to move on.
Professor Vaknin, I was chatting to your introject in my mind and he was giving me some solid advice, he's a good guy, you should be nicer to him!
All my best -Javier.
Introject.
best narcissism awareness channel full stop. i was looking for this type of deep explanation and i found it
This makes perfect sense because my ex husband tried to blame me for something that happened when he was a child and he said it’s my fault for not correcting a issue that his mother was responsible for. When I pointed this out to him that it was his mother’s responsibility, he just continued to shake his head no. Smh. I had to get away from that foolishness and fast.
I had a friend that always blame me for the decisions she made, In despite she gets in trouble all the time for the things her mom did to her, I have 0 contact with her since 1998.
I knew he had never separated from his mother and was trying to grow up on my time.
- They get angry and have a very low frustration threshold, LITTLE RESILIENCE TOWARDS WORK or do not get respect. Just as patients with anxiety disorders constantly FAIL TO LIVE UP TO AN INTERNAL, HARD AND SADISTIC CRITIC, their concern for perfection is counterproductive since it produces stagnation and low performance. THEY HAVE NO HUMILITY AND LOWER THEIR EXPECTATIONS. -Because failure/rejection/disapproval is felt with the death of the ego or narcissistic mask. For the Narcissite, the process of working and moving forward will be terrifying. Every act involved in the employment process becomes a re-enactment of this life and death trauma. - The reason you only see threats and paranoia in others is because YOU CAN ONLY INTERPRET THE WORLD from YOUR EXPERIENCE, IF THEY HAVE BEEN NEGATIVE, that's all you will think. -You are projecting the negativity, perceived evil, lack of trust and hatred that you carry within you towards everyone else. -On the other hand, if you are a HEALTHY AND SAFE PERSON, you will begin to see others in the same way; Your paranoia disappears because you see the best in people. get angry and have a very low frustration threshold, LITTLE RESILIENCE TOWARDS WORK or do not get respect. Just as patients with anxiety disorders constantly FAIL TO LIVE UP TO AN INTERNAL, HARD AND SADISTIC CRITIC, their concern for perfection is counterproductive since it produces stagnation and low performance. THEY HAVE NO HUMILITY AND LOWER THEIR EXPECTATIONS. -Because failure/rejection/disapproval is felt with the death of the ego or narcissistic mask. For the Narcissite, the process of working and moving forward will be terrifying. Every act involved in the employment process becomes a re-enactment of this life and death trauma.
- The reason see threats and paranoia in others is because YOU CAN ONLY INTERPRET THE WORLD from YOUR EXPERIENCE, IF THEY HAVE BEEN NEGATIVE, that's all you will think. -You are projecting the negativity, perceived evil, lack of trust and hatred that you carry within you towards everyone else. -On the other hand, if you are a HEALTHY AND SAFE PERSON, you will begin to see others in the same way; Your paranoia disappears because you see the best in people.
thx
Whoops I think you copied and pasted and it repeated the same paragraph a few times. 😅
Yes. Normal adulting is considered beneath them, at least, that's what they claim on the surface.
Your work has such an indescribable worth! Thank you for speaking the truth again.
It's amazing how accurate that is. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge.
Brilliant.. makes complete sense (to me). This paraphrases my last relationship of 21 years from beginning to end, and my current one, AND myself! .. lol
Thank you, prof. Vaknin! It seems that this information should be spread out to young girls and mothers, so that they could understand how important their role is for the new human beings.
Wow 😢 every word describes my 25 confusing years.
I fell for my idealized image. I had no idea I loved myself so much. LMAO
You have just narrated the story of my brother's life. Thank you for the confirmation.
3:22 I was just in a thread under a video by a diagnosed narcissist. And the comments were basically a bunch of diagnosed or suspected narcs telling all the victims of abuse that we are just using therapy speak and causing stigma against the narcissists and that they aren’t abusive and probably most aren’t so we should call abusive people narcs because it hurts them. I had to type this all out because it seems like such a narcissistic thing to say and do. Telling people that thier own experiences are not real and talking about them is just causing these random strangers harm.
But I left a comment about this right here. One claimed that non NPD people view narcs as immortal monsters or something and so the victims aren’t taking responsibility for getting away because they’ve given up and blame an undetectable monster.
I responded that it is only in the narcissist mind that views them as an invincible monster. For me I view the narcissist as a pathetic child and a fool who will always ruin their own life. The thing that kept me in was not fear of an invincible monster but the belief that there was a human being that could be reasoned with inside. After 12 years I see that is not true. Whatever humanity he shows is just an act. I can’t help him and I no longer care too.
I just thought it was so interesting to see so many of them arguing with actual victims about how we are causing them all this harm. 😂😂😂. I had to laugh to keep fr crying. They really are something.
Oh i hope they don’t think that i feared anything about them or that they were high and mighty monsters cause the ones i dealt with were the most cowardly and pathetic adult children to me and I let them both have it and showed them how superior I was to them in every shape and form!! I’m not the type of victim that turned the other cheek but i felt similar to you thinking there was a human being those soulless eyes and that they could be helped! Never again
I also believed there was a human inside that soul less body and wasted 26 years believing that love would make him better🙄
@@QueensNewYorkguy right! It struck me as something my husband would say. A total inflated ego as if I thought he was a monster. No sir. You are a pathetic little child in a man’s body. I can’t even feel sorry for you either because you are just so awful. That is not a monster!
It's like DARVO is in their blood. They can't not pull it, as soon as they feel ever so slightly criticized. God forbid, accountability. 😂
Yes I grew to think of each one as a very small, very damaged, very incapable, frail and weak person. I was afraid of the threats to my family, and my baby, because I know injured animals are the most dangerous.
I remember getting to the point where I decided that I would rather die, than be subservient, and pretend to not have the skills and knowledge that I have. To not live as a full human being. I'd rather they kill me. That first time took seven years, to get to that decision, and to leave. I went into hiding for four months and allowed him to believe I was in another state. He ended up stealing my identity and running a few years of damage before the consequences caught up with him. What a twat. Like nothing to contribute to society. Nothing beneficial to anyone around them. Pathetic.
Exactly a service provider. A thief on every level
This is by far the best explanation I've heard. It works exactly like described.
Yup.I actually once said to him.Now I understand what the deepest love is, that is the way a mother love.For I felt that deep love for this vulnerable "inner child"
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much for this explanation.
I feel like this is what happened to me...but i felt really weird being a therapist,mother, maid to a man 8 years older than me. I was very confused 😕 and weirded out. He also lied and emotionally cheated. And had lots of girl friends. His girl best friend was his "mother figure" . He would call her "wise, smart, mother of the group" . He would exclude me, triangulate, keep secrets, lie and ofcourse emotionally cheat on me. I was very harrowed . I could not trust him. I was not his secure base. He kept calling me the wrong type of woman. And his girl best friend, who he went right back to, was the right type of woman because she is forgiving and caring. And i wasn't....he was putting me through a lot of emotional abuse. Now he has moved on with another woman, still has all his girl friends. They don't like me..i wish i never met him. He was a covert narcissist. Spent all his time online and just talked to women. Very manipulative human. I feel like i have to find a new sense of self now. Who am i 😮😢
Holly Jesus, this video describes me perfectly as a narcissit! What do I do?
Im curious on how the borderline's inner child sees you compared to this video
Good topic. Will do.
This was soooo INCREDIBLE, I mean literally no words.....I will be sharing to my page and I haven't posted in years....... Do not flag my page, their is one group in America that definitely needs to hear this, and it's IMPERATIVE.
Thank you, a million times, incredible Dr. Vakin
Vaknin.
To a 67 year old "young at heart" female; you're still handsome!
Thankfully I am out of this. Whole again on my own. I can see all of what you spoke of. I watch now for education. I made sense of this mess.
Your videos are THE BEST.
This is very true to the details and I am so surprised how I was not aware of the stories between narc and I. However, it totally makes sense so I am glad that I listen to this video when I had this urge to be back with the problematic Narc. I knew this idea of narc came into my life at very early stage of my life too so it was hard to get rid of the idea. The narc behaved very similar to what this video said. I experienced identical steps almost. The narc's innerchild is not a child but a machine, a program, and a robot...so true and I never felt it was for real. It was very creepy indeed.
Wow, you bring things crystal clear. Prolonged grief disorder. Grief & shame, mourning & disgrace. I could never wish that anguish on anyone, how horrific. I’ve seen the shame and grief come from a very deep down place,almost primal. I feel so bad for them, my narcissistic father and partner. Even after all the pain they both inflicted on me, I wish there were a cure or relief for them. At least now I have an insight to what has been happening all these years😢
Thank you professor. A question for you, do you still recommend to not offer ANY kind of REAL intimacy to real narcs?
AS YOU stated
"First of all, never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him. Never offer him any real intimacy.
Never remind him of life out there, and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity and uniqueness.
Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says, and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it, but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
Thanks"
Thank you for the, even more, explicit video on the subject!
These people are so insane. Went no contact with my own insane narc X. This video is so spot on. My X would even laugh at times about her inner defensive side that would come up at times. She had nicknamed that tendency chucky. Chucky was the real her jajajajaja. What a piece of trash. Good riddance nightmare
Me and my narc husband own a restaurant and my husband does this with our workers. When he is idealizing a new female worker he treats me like crap. Then he starts devaluing the worker. Have you ever heard of this? These are not romantic partners.
The shared fantasy applies to all the interpersonal relationships of the narcissist, not only to intimate or romantic ones.
They regulate and stabilise through others.
He idolized and made great efforts to be indispensable to his mother, a dead mother by his own admission though he lacked the awareness and vocabulary to refer to her as such. She was cold and abusive to him and his siblings but as an adult he strove to become her favorite, using his siblings’ more obvious dysfunctional behaviors to make himself look normal and saint like. I got to be the human dumping ground for all his repressed anger and pain. He had an emotionally incestuous relationship with his teenage daughter, so he had a built in source of narcissistic supply, he could be to her the parent he always wanted, and he went out of his way to form relationships with other maternal figures, his aunts, older women he worked for or who were friends and he’d dumbfoundingly move mountains for them so as to get their approval- again he was unconscious of himself doing this- but I’d ask for help with the dishes and I was controlling and didn’t want him to relax. If he was around his mom he would treat me like I was non existent. It was the most bizarre scenario I’d ever seen. At 44 it was like he didn’t want to offend his mother by having a girlfriend in front of her. He’s a program, a robot. Professor Vaknin always gives me greater insight even as I’ve been able to detach myself from him, I listen to this and it speaks to my old self who was too scared for so long to lose that robot because I just couldn’t imagine it was possible there was nothing inside his human shell except a program designed to hurt me
"Didn't want to offend his mother by having a girlfriend in front of her." ... YIKES!!! He wasn't into taxidermy, was he?
@@tdesq.2463 lol…metaphorically speaking he was in a way- freezing everyone around him in time and positioning them in the exact way he needed them to be so he could maintain his false self. I think it’s very true that covert narcissists are way more dangerous than the overt grandiose types. His lack of awareness, lack of reality testing, the confabulations that are his existence allow him to surreptitiously recruit people to become actors in the play of his life. And he does so in a pseudo naivety, thinking he’s just innocent and he can’t possibly destroy the lives of others. I don’t want to be a deer head mounted on his wall.
I could have written this. So many parallels. When I read the "asked him for help with the dishes.." I was open mouthed because this was the last straw for me this year. He moved in, and his dishes began piling up immediately (even though he had agreed he would pull his weight beforehand). I asked him one day if he was saving the washing up for a rainy day (four days worth on the side), and he said that I was trying to disturb his peace, and went absolutely mental at me. Then on holiday in France I reminded him that it was his turn to do the dishes and he flipped on me, telling me that I was the worst kind of woman and spent two days barely speaking to me and staring at girls.
3 years of this crap. But now I'm out..your comment made me feel less alone so thank you x
@@familiamckenziefriend1130I think hearing the experiences of other people, along with the amazing information in these videos, is so empowering because feeling alone and ashamed and having impaired reality testing after a relationship like this can be life threatening really. That relationship exposed so many places inside myself that needed tending to that otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to see so there is a lot of good that can come out of it if you choose to see it that way. It is still such a uniquely disorienting and bizarre experience though and hearing someone else having had their partner sadistically punish them for asking for help with house work, you feel less like, no one else gets that. I’m sorry you were treated that way, but thank god you were strong enough to get out.
Thank you Vaknin. Thats my family.
Confessions of a Narcissist
I came into this world being fathered by a dad who didn’t want me, and a mother who avoided reality, from an emotional standpoint; she too, is a narcissist… as is my father.lol
Both of my parents endured hard traumas in their lives; rape, molestation, neglect, abuse, killing, almost being killed, and so on. The things they were taught… I’m fortunate blessed, let’s just say.
So, I grew up idolizing the man who didn’t see me as his son, and I thought my mom was loving and kind because she wasn’t abusive and neglectful like my father-just neglectful.
I grew up being taught that I had to get good grades in school, and that I need to watch everything I say and do because… what if dad finds out… this primal fear of living was drilled into me over the course of years; moment by moment.
I was one of the ones, like my mother, that retreated internally when the external world became unbearable. So much so that I often lived in fantasy and delusions of grandeur, and still do at times.
Moving forward in directions that would see fruition to some of my more realistic dreams draws fear-I was taught to fear failure, so that is what I do. I fear abandonment above all else, and I long for unconditional love more than anything; love from a partner or my parents, or from you. So many feelings and emotions I wished to convey but was beaten not to, or it fell on deaf ears. All of which were simply bottled up and left unanswered. That opens up a slew of problems to address.
And all of this, I feel, because I was shown how to hurt, and so that is what I do. And for anyone that was wondering, ever since I was 3-4, I questioned my own existence. I felt unwanted and wished to not exist. Over time and scars, that turned into just wanting to die; commit suicide, and many times could and can but won’t because I fear commitment; a side effect to retreating internally (ADHD). So I live in shame of who I am, struggling with suicide, surviving as a child in big kids clothes, and projecting that onto the world in some desperate plea to the world, come save me and love me, please don’t leave me, I need you and I need you to need me too.
TLDR- I’m a slightly self aware narcissist who longs for love and is afraid of… being human. I’m afraid of being judged and ridiculed again so I do many things to try and not feel that emotion. i.e. look at the world through the lens that make me comfortable, and DO THINGS that help shape the world that I want to see, all the while begging for approval.
@@Elennblacklame thank you
wow!!!!!! thank God I watched this video. no matter how many videos I watch, I learn so much. this makes so much sense. my ex left her house when she was 15 or 16 out of rage. this is CRAZY! I feel so bad for her!!! so sad (but that doesn't mean I forgive and forget what she did). I hope and pray for her
Thank you for explaining I understand a bit more of it. It will help me to deal with it.I let him go that is better for me thank you I dont feel guilt but it felt for me he lied to me and have now another girl. NOW I UNDERSTAND A BIT MORE THANKS FOR YOUR HELP❤️❤️
Brilliant !!!! But creapy ... Thank you profesor for sharing all your knowledge in that fascinating way. And imitating a doll ;)
This stuff is absolutely spot on 100% accurate. Wow!
Magnificent! Thank you so much! 🙏🏼
Hi there, A. ! 👋I must admit I miss your inner child too... 😥
Another very instructive piece of content from the only credible and qualified professional one can think of when it comes down to NPD. 👍
Thank you for helping us expand and clear our sight a little more each and everyday, prof. Vaknin! 🙇♀
So true 😊, very well said 😊
Deeply insightful and true!
Its difficult to understand some of the concepts, knowing its a mental illness that they cannot help nor change, but nevertheless, the experiencing of their behaviour is harrowing, exhausting, causing resentment, revulsion and totalling wanting no more. Im at the point of never wanting to relate with him any more. In simple laymans terms….Im done!!!!!
Brilliant...
😂😂😅 I love mummy I love mummy can't stop replaying it
Wow , Prof SAM .
Indeed , ✔✔✔
What Peerless Content From You .
👌 " Broken Doll "👌
👌 .
Thank you so much! This is extremely helpful. Warmest greetings from Russia 🇷🇺❤
Just subscribed, ...
Primates they need to hear this, it's ridiculously unbelievable...ugh the entire community.. 😢
Phew.What is normal, prof.Vaknin? It all appears to be so tragic.
Search the channel and watch the Life's Wisdom playlist.
What is the best way of leaving a narcicist without hurt him? Greetings professor from Perú
No such option. Search the shared fantasy and abuse playlist.
@@samvaknin😂😂😂
U r the greatest of all times 😂
No such option
I wish I could meet you in person
Thank you sir. Great lesson.
merci !!!!!
Narcissistic ex passed it on to our child
😂"I love,Mommy!"..spot on
I have a question about something that hurts me even today: why did he, from the very beginning of our relationship, told ugly lies about me behind my back to his mother, brother, his and my friends and more or less to every new acquittance.
Because now that I can see what the matter is I started to understand all the misterios situations I went through in our marriage. And it hurts.
His lies about you have nothing to do with who you are. He was securing his family support and protection from shame. He may been seeking pity as a victim. This what motivates my husband. He feels “loved” when his sisters feel sorry for him. He is constructing stories that are completely false. The reality is not important to the narcissist. In fact, this is what he told me. I have been blamed by his family for things he did. It is indeed painful. I am able to detach now, remembering how sick he is. Take a good care of yourself and believe you, not him.
@@gorunsko31
Thank you :)
@@andrealia5241 my heart goes out to you, because the feeling of betrayal is lingering for a long time, especially if in laws are acting punitively. It happened to me. Nowadays after educating myself via Sam Vaknin’s video and also Dr. Ramani ( check her channel in case you don’t have an option at the moment to leave ). I watch Dr. Ramani, because she gives tips about how to survive relationship with the narcissist. She recommends practicing radical acceptance, bc calling narcissist out ends up badly. They will attack and blame and accuse and will do & say everything to refuse responsibility ( avoidance of shame). I learned how to resist confrontation and if I take care of myself, I don’t explain and I don’t engage. However this morning I had very stressful situation and turned to my husband fir support. It back fired. He gets enraged by my vulnerability. He will attack me verbally if fell for example, on the trail or when my granddaughter accidentally tripped me. I guess he sees it as an abandonment by mother figure. I did not understand his cruel behavior in the past. It does help somewhat to see where this is coming from, but staying with him becomes more & more difficult. Please try to put your needs first as much as possible. They picked up because we have a heart ❤️
Hi Sam, Can you shine a light on the relationship of a narcissist mother and her daughter?
Search the channel.
Simply put the NM hates her empathic daughter, she's jealous of her, she'll cause the daughter a lifetimes worth of trauma and the daughter will highly likely end up in a string of a relationships with toxic, abusive, or narcissistic relationships as adults relationships will often mimic the dynamic of our primary caregiver which is most typically the mother.
@@kellyk8702my life story.
Great vid, thanks Sam. What percentage of the population would you say has NPD?
About 1-3%. But many more have a narcissistic style.
Thank you
Collateral damage…indeed.
Wonderfully descriptive @ Prof Sam V.. what if the narcissit is a female, does a male become the surrogate father during idealisation stage? or is it always the mother...
Watch the shared fantasy playlist and the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
זה מכניס אותי לדיכאון ואני שוב ושוב חוזרת לראות ..מה קורה?
5:10 All the information anyone with any remanence of sound mind should ever need. Irrespective of how much it hurts. Sad. But not your fault.
Sir, If the narcissist sees his partner or wife as a maternal figure how does he dare have physical relationship with that person. What will happen to the narcissist after he has discarded the maternal figure and has no chance of having a new partner.
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
@@samvaknin Thank you Sir.🙏
Wow. That completely explained what my ex did. I was smarter than him though, and I did not ever allow a hoover no matter how much he tried. It was like there was a fifty foot wall up between him and any attempt he made to contact me.
Can you be a narcissist living with a narcissist ?? I'm a first born male. Was the runt with angry women around me. I feel like you say about needing a mother. I follow my wife around constantly. But find myself being all the other stuff you say at the same time. Always put women on pedestals. I feel split. Thought that being a Pisces. Lol. I am in constant angst looking for soothing. I really don't get it. I like men because they slap reality into you. Lol I love bluntness, is testing though? See what people will put up with and observing? Button pusher i suppose. Hahaha That's what people call us. Power couple. We are both co-dependant covert narcissist 😂🤦♂️
Search the channel for “odd couple”.
But what happens after the narcissist leaves the mother? Does he grow up then? Or does this pattern repeat? If so, why??
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
I no longer ask myself if at this point i wouln't be glad if he found a new supply. What i keep asking myself insead is, how wrong would it be, no how could i live if i did such wrong shit like pretending to be sad losing him, acting like he is the good guy you should never let go again - you know.... Just to make sure she makes the nessesary efford to be a nutural supply...
Provided i don't overdo it and regarding the given Instinct to protect the children, its canis canem....isn't it ;)
Thank you so much Dear Sam Vaknin❤
…you are 100% right in every way !!!
My recent narcissist ex who i recently dumped last night had the nerve to tell me when we got together of her recent ex manipulating her mind and i had to inform her that he was a narcissist cause she was just slow and a narcissist herself and acts as if she doesn’t know it smh oh the irony 😂 so i gave her a chance thinking that she was being honest with all of her love bombing and seeing that she’s a narcissist but wanting to help her change her evil selfish manipulative ways! Boy was i dumb for that! Had to force it out of her last night to be honest and tell me that she began talking to him behind my back just cause he’s trying to get back with her smh! I went through everything and every step one should take when dealing with a narcissist and the main one being: it’s a must you go no contact with a narcissist then she goes against my leadership and wants to cheat on me by talking to another dude seriously smh these narcissists deserve no mercy from us! And we all should shun them from our lives and just watch them get their karma from afar
The day mine died in 2009 I felt like I had been released from prison. It’s been steady improvement and increasing acceptance/contentment ever since. This man is a subject matter expert and good communicator but is he also a narc survivor. There is an edge there something below the surface. Just my observation.
@cynthiarouse are you referring to Professor Vaknin being a narc survivor as well as a subject matter expert? Search through his channel, find videos of him explaining his own experience, he has NPD. But is also a professor of psychology. So you’re hearing a description of narcissism from a narcissist and also from an academic who studies narcissism.
@@PracticalPeptides wow. I figured he had survived horrible parents
Sadly these awful people reproduce. The legacy of pain these horrible people leave is one reason why our world is so toxic. Faith in the higher power healed me. Also, quite honestly, I’m very very careful about who is in my life. I don’t waste time on shallow men. Or any other men… ;-).
Can I be honest? I thought something was a little off when he started laughing describing a monstrous family annihilator I guess he’s trying to help others by exorcising his own demons. He is a brilliant guy. Maybe he’ll discover a cure.
@@cynthiarousethere’s a handful of videos where he describes how he experiences his own narcissism - but it’s very rare a narcissist (someone with full blown NPD, not just someone with a narcissistic “style”) is aware of their narcissism. The person with NPD has developed a false self that they are fully invested in as being who they believe themselves to really be because they “kill” their true selves as children as a protective mechanism against the horrible pain they experience from traumatic, abusive environments. That’s why as the professor says, narcissists don’t gaslight- they confabulate. Gaslighting implies intentionality (psychopaths gaslight but some narcissists are also psychopaths). Narcissists fully believe their own “lies” which are confabulations, or plausible stories, created by their false self as a form of protection. The narcissist’s narcissism protects them from having awareness of their narcissism because if they become aware of what’s underneath that false self, it could induce life threatening shame. It is truly hard to wrap your mind around the internal mechanisms of how this works because it is so complicated, and that’s why it’s so helpful to hear these processes described by someone who is truly an expert.
The epidemic of narcissism and no one talks about it
Everyone is talking about it.
@@samvaknin if that's the case then I am very happy to hear this. Thank you professor for providing information in depth.
💎💎💎💎💎☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️ the introject 💎💎💎🙏🙏🙏
One of the greatest exploration of a narcissist ty❤
Could not write a more horrific hollywood story
What is the right way to separate and individuate from a mother in early childhood?
Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
Sam, whats your take on an autistic kid/person who speaks sociopathically but isnt actually a sociopath because they do have the ability to empathize but its just really hard to break through their rigid overly logical cold thinking to get them to actually act on that empathy and be humane to other people?
Search the comorbidities playlist.