So true. The best closure is to go silently into the good night. NO CONTACT, no discussion no words just slip away. Walk away without ever letting them know YOU KNOW who they are and live your life happily without them. It's been my best practice to date.
Tell me about it. I’m starting-from-scratch for the third time since he entered my life. I’m no longer “in love” w/ him anymore… at least. This helps tremendously. I have 0 urge to understand, accommodate, or modify my habits to fit his life. He says, “you needs meds” as refusing to accept accountability to improve. I re-entered the dating scene. I’m happy and looking forward to finding Mr. Right. Being respected by a man who genuinely asks for my input is something I’ve grown foreign to… refreshing to have others who respect me… again. ☺️
My cover narc husband recently abandoned me during a late miscarriage, (18 weeks) and started dating another person a week later, left me waiting and trying to reach out for weeks as I really needed him…while he blamed me for it all, until who he was and is all clicked by my therapist, it’s been nearly two months since it all happened and we met last weekend and he smirked at my tears and hunched when I asked him why he would do such a thing, I’m dealing with the need for justice daily, it eats away at me. Self love is beautiful but some things, self love will never make up for. The pain of someone doing something like this to you….wow I can’t tell you. But he will never have access to me again, he is a disgrace. I will get my justice
After living through relationships with narcissistic family, friends and wives, what I have learned is that the single most important thing to a narcissist is not money, possessions or even fame; it's their ego. They will protect that ego to the death and will never, ever admit anything wrong-ever. Justice is simply getting away from these monsters.
Oh this is so true! I've always said that my dad only has two emotions: ego and fear. More like fear of losing his money, reputation, family, his slave (mom).
True, I am having such a peaceful Christmas without them. I had so much joy the last few holiday seasons, only to be misused by my parents and sisters at the family gatherings. They will have to find someone else to scapegoat and gaslight!
And taking away the prop/support because of which they are able to be 'successful' at work and due to your empathetic care...( with NO appreciation of you at all..) refusing to be used...any narc or abuser does NOT derserve your kindness & support!! An abusive parent/relative/friend/neighbor/whoever...
@@jordanferguson2254 Had evil bullying & abusive neighbors, 2 couples above 65 & 70, who had no peace and harrassed/provoked in words & deeds ...their grown children outdoing them in their ugly behaviours!! One of them, a mean postman ( even a mean pitbull is sweet in comparison!!) above 65, after my mother's demise, entered his own name fraudulently (with the help of corrupt officials,) into my mother's house-property-documents in the city records office. He (& equally abusive & enabling wife) was shameless even when he was exposed of his foul 'deed' and lost the case. In fact he enjoyed the whole process gleefully instead of feeling shameful trying to steal my mother's property, while for me the three years it took to solve it, was a waste of time, money, energy. It took an awful toll on my health. He was retired on a fat govt.pension (& had a house of his own since years) while I had multiple responsibilities and lost my work for 3 years having to run about to various offices. I pray for God's vengeance upon him and his mean wife and 2 grown daughters who knowingly enabled him in every way. Our family had no idea such vile neighbors would come live next-doors.
@@sudhakhristmukti1930 I really empathize with your situation. We all need to be very careful of who has even the slightest view or access to our lives. I've also noticed they get bolder with time, as they were never stopped or put in their place. They'd have no power if it weren't for their enablers and positions in society. But I think the world is awakening more and more to such crooked people and their ways, while also punishing their slaves (by cutting contact with all involved). The shamelessness is also very real, the narcs I know literally tell on themselves in terms of their flaws or misdeeds! Your neighbor was gleeful because to him, it was simply shooting his shot. To him, it was no different than a simple exercise like grocery shopping. The best we can do with such individuals is fortify not only ourselves mentally and physically, but also our lives (e.g. use of security cameras, friends/contacts in influential positions or pursue these positions ourselves, physical distance from evil whenever possible, etc.). The similar injustice in terms of my time, success and health being affected was why I embarked on my healing, strengthening, no bullshit tolerance and bridge burning journey. Why should I suffer and deteriorate as they go on as if nothing happened? I'll be damned! 🦅As of now, I don't believe in karma, as people like Jeffrey Epstein prosper greatly in life. I don't know if a God exists, but even if he does, I question how he could allow for such situations. I mean, babies get raped and thrown in garbage cans. God doesn't seem to care. Thus, I do not depend on the external for justice, karma, etc. It really is up to us to attain inner peace and strength, defend ourselves, learn about evil, maintain our distance (shrewdly, so as to not gain attention or provoke them), or actually do something (again, while being smart). These people seemed to have died as children, which is why they seem so juvenile. They also constantly need to bother others, because it's the only way they feel emotions. Wishing you peace and safety!
@@jordanferguson2254 Thank you Jordan, for all your thoughts, insights, observations. In their case, maintaining distance etc. did not work.They hated being ignored, so they thought up new stuff to provoke, prod...will share what his wife did.
The real justice that results from narcissistic relationships is never about the other person (the person who hurt you)- it’s about the person YOU become on the other side. Unfortunately some of us are destined to run into these types in order to learn and grow from them. They teach us how to love ourselves. To see ourselves. To value ourselves. How NOT to treat others. If we can learn these lessons- we’ve won. We can’t worry about what happens to the narc, because that’s on them.
Oh yeah that's the golden ticket right there... And frankly it more seductively perfect idilic relationship might keep us lazy to face the journey within... Inward and upward through the rock tumbler ever smoother and shinier in life and beyond
I am close to 74 years and my husband passed away 3.5 years ago. I am still learning and analyzing my situation in past47 years relationship with him by watching your videos and reading your books. It helps me.
Bless your heart, and may your peace find you with a quick abundance blessing you with deep wisdom filled with gratitude for all your unknown victories. Through all those years, likely a lone warrior fighting to keep your light alive, you are now on a new journey where the fog is able to clear away and you can see all that what may have appeared to be lost of one's self is now wiser, stronger, braver and radiating in the newly born wholeness, authentically beautiful made by you as with each blessing you count you are designing the identity once taken.
Really pay attention to this woman because everything she saying is exactly what I went through. It’s not that I no longer care, it’s just I no longer let those feelings of defeat overcome my life. I refuse to live in misery one more moment! Do yourself a favor And let it go. CHOOSE HAPPINESS ❤
December 21 will be five months of my daughter not speaking to me because I stood up for my grandson's right to live in an environment without his parents throwing things at each other and fighting physically, including body slams. It actually feels okay now because I am practicing radical acceptance and because when I filed for visitation of my grandson, the personnel there heard the situational details and asked if I had informed cps. My daughter would have me believe accepting the abuser back into her house is all just fine for the little boy. I no longer feel that I have betrayed anybody because I stood up for common decency. She has been abusive to me for years. Whatever the court decides, I feel peaceful about it. I am not going to toe her lines forever, and her son deserves to learn that this home chaos is not how things are supposed to work. He deserves someone to speak up for him.
@@FierceMamma can you please explain further? I'm one who would likely call both after this woman says she spoke up on behalf of the boy. If you tell a narc anything, it's not in them to know how to do better. They just can't. I've been brought to heel and back thinking I refuse to be divorced twice. SO DUMB. I thought it would lessen over time with less pressure from kids, work, life. With retirement I was future faked into my dream of traveling cross-country in an RV. That RV was nothing but a safe haven for my discard phase. He planned it well. The only thing he ever planned for was getting his supply.
Good for you! Every child needs an advocate if the parents are unable…it’s so sad but the circle needs to break or he may end up unconsciously following following in his mothers footsteps.
After going thru the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) one advances to “Radical Acceptance”. This is fully accepting that the reality of what you now know about the narcissist, is never going to change. You are now free to live your life in peace❤️
I think I’m toward the end of the depression stage. I’ve thought about my recent weeks in a new city that is hours away from him. And I feel like I can breathe…. Thank God. Even so, I’m starting-from-scratch and this isn’t desirable. I’m beginning the acceptance stage soon. I feel less willing to beg but rather, to reply to his texts and say, “I’m sorry” by letting him think I’m “giving-in” but all the while just looking forward to excluding him from my life once I retrieve most of my belongings which are currently in the house we once shared. Honestly, I feel motivated to move-on since 1. He’s already taken over 5 years of my life (my eggs are drying-up and I deserve a husband and children), 2. Many other men support traditional values that I have, 3. I’m starting to realize that I thought I could only have a nice life w/ him… but my recent encounters are contrary to this. I’m starting to remember how hardworking I had been before I reconciled w/ him. The fire in the pit of my belly is reigniting that helped me survive my traumatic upbringing when I had been in my mother’s custody. Finally, I can genuinely say that I’m ready to leave him in the past. I don’t love him as a prospective husband anymore. His parents raised him incorrectly to point the finger (literally), blame and mistreat women…. He’ll never improve. The ill-intent ways of his upbringing cannot be bypassed. And his parents enable him which prevents his growth. Dead-End. Also… I’m starting to get to know a man better who I’ve gone on 3 dates w/. And not having to apologize for laughter is refreshing. I can be myself again. And enjoy every moment life has to offer w/ a man who is fair and on-the-same-page regarding life goals. Unsure of our outcome long-term. Regardless, laughing again feels very good.
Yes, true but very difficult when you are left harmed physically and financially. I'm older so rebuilding my life isn't easy. I have a great job but it's very full on and I have children who are close to me. I do feel foolish that I didn't take the right approach on finances. I trusted him and he walked away hiding his wealth. I was made ill by the relationship and divorce so still recovering years later.
I would shake my head when I would watch them doing so well. Untouched. No repercussions for their actions. I would get into this magical thinking place that justice will be done and all that. When I sat back and watched their life go on I have to say I was shocked when things caught up with them. It seemed like what they put out came back to them three times. It didn't take away the pain that they had caused me. I felt sorry for them. Things happened to them that I wouldn't have wished on my worse enemy.
I feel it's best if I don't let people rent space in my head, especially a narcissist. To heal, I have immersed myself trying to better myself and being there for others who deserve my time and love. This is probably the best video you've presented on healing from a post-narcissistic relationship. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and research on this topic. Your lectures have helped me understand the dynamics of their behavior.
After years of allowing my narcs to treat me like a doormat, I've finally stood up and learned to take care of myself. I get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and do the work that needs to be done. I thank God each day I wake with peace and quiet. And I thank you Dr Ramani and this community for the timeless teachings and sharing. May God's protection and comfort be upon you always. 😊💐🇵🇭
My own version of letting go of the need for justice is to release them to the care of the Universal Consciousness (or Great Spirit or God or HP or etc) that they may receive the guidance they need to heal their wounded soul. This releases and relieves me of the burden of having to provide said "guidance". Repeat this mantra, burn some sage, burn some photos, play some spiritual music, drink some tea, dance naked under the stars, whatever, until you realize that you are grieving the loss of the person they only pretended to be. You loved a nonexistent person, a mirage, an illusion, a farce of sorts, but turns out the existential joke's on them. Let them be who they are, alone in all their glorious misery and grotesque delusions. Move on to truth, integrity, authenticity and sanity. Leave them in the dust. Focus on yourself and your success. Narcissists hate it when you are able to forget about them as if they never existed (because they never actually existed).
The relationship that my ex used to triangulate and “punish me” ended about a year and a half ago. He’s approached me a couple times asking I ever think of trying again. It was self-validating in that it made me really assess where I was at, and it was NOT there. I still have occasional dark days but I am solid in my position. I feel sad for him because I see him struggling being alone, but I have no compulsion to fix it. Justice is the consequences of his actions. He still blames me for the unfortunate state of his life now, but I know I did the right thing by finally leaving (as painful as it was) and am indifferent to his attempts to shame me for it.
I think this is going to happen in my life. And I don’t want to be around to hear him lament about how terrible a situation he has. He’s been aggressively horrible-absent, neglectful, verbally abusive, raging. That covers his behavior.
I watched a tv show years ago and the exchange between the ex’s summed it up for what I was going through. The husband asked “can you just explain why you left me” and she responded “the fact that you asked me that question is why.” Funny thing, about 10 years later my ex actually asked me the same question 😂 and yes I responded with her answer. 😂 Not as satisfying as I thought it would feel cuz I knew he still wouldn’t get it, but it did earn some much needed reinforcement that I made the right decision in leaving.
they like to sell people an illusion. what helped me disconnect is that they tried to ensnare me in their illusion but then i realized it was all meaningless becaise it was an illusion meant to trap me in being the narcissist's supply. oce i told myself i was tired of giving this person so much energy (it was almost like the energy a mom invests in a kid!) i was free from that frame of mind. i also saw his weaknesses and i realized i felt sorry for him but i deserve better.
Self love is the answer! Work on all the things you need and want to. Ya probably been sacrificing yourself long enough anyways. That is the ultimate revenge!
There is no revenge, but there is no contact. That frees us to give our goodness only to those who love and respect us. Choose very carefully who you allow into your life. Over time, indifference comes and the gift of not caring is a beautiful end result.
The best revenge is you yourself living well and being content. Amd then laughing as the enemy slowly, and deliberately, sabotages themselves. Gettin' iller and iller.
I eventually saw my narcissist completely alone but never felt any satisfaction from it. He had hurt the ppl in his life to the point he was alone. I felt sad that I couldn’t "fix" him or help him. After 40 yrs he definitely experienced karma but I experienced it too. Fortunately I have found my grandchildren have brought back joy for me.
The difference between closure and justice - with closure it’s simply over and I don’t care anymore about any of the injustices. Justice is not even possible in a narcissist relationship IMO or many the only justice is no contact and no longer ruminating about the injustices.
@@aliceroberts1980 Like being able to obtain a place of your own you can call YOUR OWN because you can keep up with the living costs and also be able to walk around a few blocks to purchase something you need or want at a convenient store without having to look over your shoulder( let alone having to feel any shame ir guilt from others over seperating from someone who's been toxic towards you or to others-close ones or strangers in front of you. To even ask for assistance from from even what you believe was a caring co-worker without feeling shamed, guilty for even parting from a toxic partner/spouse-or even being called out as toxic or rediculous to your face in roundabout ways or behind your back.
I resonate with the idea of healing without getting justice. I had to let go of any sort of fairness or justice in order to move on, even though it felt SO FREAKING UNFAIR. However, after I did so, moved on, healed, and celebrated my new life of freedom, he died. And when I found out and told people, they often said, oh, I'm sorry. And I'd reply, "Well, I'm not!" (And I'd usually add, that I had not, in fact, personally killed him.) He died of a heart attack on his own, in his lonely house, with no one but the dog. No one knew for at least a couple of days. #notsorry
I love this. In the moment, you may relish in the idea of your abuser getting their comeuppance but the real mark of maturity is hearing that things did blow up in their face and you mostly don't care. The ultimate revenge is growing beyond your abuser to the point that they don't take up much of your brain space anymore. You don't care because you crafted a life that brings you fulfilment and suddenly the fairness of the universe doesn't matter.
It’s only human to be relieved that you or your children’s lives aren’t going to be continued to be harmed and violated due to their control abuse punishments and threats _ should something happen, there would not be joy for it, there would still be the rest of our lives healing and getting some relief from the trauma - that’s it , that’s all .
My best calming words from a counselor working with me breaking up w/ a narcissistic partner. Those words were, "can you imagine being in their skin. Every day, every minute of the day, they have to live with themselves." It just hit me in such a way that i clearly understood how lucky i was to get away after 8 years!!!
With a narcissistic relationship in the past (a few years ago), there was no closure or justice, but me being brave enough to leave and to take the steps towards recovery and healing made me feel so much better, free and alive - and it comforted me in a way to realize that the abusive, narcissistic person will continue having to live life as themselves, and will likely not experience deep, lasting, peaceful and fulfilling relationships as a result of their actions.
The injustice of "coparenting " with a malignant narcissist is Neverending. But, I will say after 5 years of her "fooling" family court system her empire of lies is starting to fall! That's the closest thing to "justice" we have had.
Hugs, I have been dealing with this too, and it has taken a solid 7 years. It feels good when they dig themselves deeper and you just walk away and don't do anything to cause their downfall or get in the mud with them.
My husband and I are dealing with this with his ex-wife and going back to court again per her petition - first appearance is during my husband's visitation time. She and the children live across the planet from us; the children have to travel over 48 hours to come visit us (summer and every other winter for approximately 4-5 weeks). This year is his year to have time with the children and she is visiting the the US and staying with his narcissistic parents for two of the four weeks; this is also the second time she has done this. Our lawyer has said that this is a blatant interference of his visitation with the children and quite possibly we will get some justice in court.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I was terribly hurt two years ago and I am still suffering. However, more and more often I come to realize that I wasted two years ruminating, hating, isolating, becoming cynical and bitter. I was hoping for justice, but my narc is doing great. Meanwhile, I deteriorated. I wish I could go back in time, allowed myself to grieve for a month or so and then moved on. I am tired of living like this. I want to move on.
Took me three years to feel good. until recently I start feeling good so I know what do you mean. It so fucking hard. Get out more and do the activities that you like and be busy with work, you'll start forgetting them.
@@MaroonRose3216 I can only hope that this will help you and perhaps others. Good luck and please learn from my mistake: move on, don’t waste time. Life’s too short! 🙏 and thank you for letting me know! I will take comfort in knowing my wasted time did not totally go to waste! ;-)
It helps me to remind myself that the people in my life who are narcissistic and have perpetuated abuse towards me are incapable of loving themselves in the fulfilling way that I love myself. I know the dynamics of the relationships that they form. Even though they have gotten the better of me in the moment, I have crafted a life for myself free from that abuse and I can live my life the way I choose. They have wronged me deeply but I have something far greater than anything they can take from me. Thank you for these tools, Dr. Ramani. They have helped me immensely on my journey to be a better human being.
The co-parenting aspect is incredibly hard. Being constantly and consistently abused and gaslighted even two and half years after leaving my ex-husband feels like a nightmare. And there is no escape but communication is mandatory. It’s truly a very disheartening and emotionally taxing place to be me. I’m not not perfect in how I have navigated forward but I try to just focus on my kids and our world. I have zero control over him or the choices he makes or how he treats me. It’s just really hard. Thanks for your endless compassion, Dr. Ramani ❤️
Never, no matter what, let your guard down with them. Keep your kids safe, never give him any more control over the children because if you do he will exploit the situation and hurt the kids as a means to cause you pain. If you have full custody, keep it always so your kids can be out of harm's way.
If you absolutely have to “deal” with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their “re”actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc`s victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
I keep trying to not be a victim anymore, but co-parenting is making it really hard. Also fighting for my basic rights as a parent in a broken legal system is soul destroying. I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for my kids who need me now more than ever
As someone who has experienced the same exact thing, my heart goes out to you sir... I dont know whats more damaging to the soul, the narcissistic abuse, or the complete let down of a broken family court system that enables it. May the force of good be with you and your children grow to see through it
That's rough. For me, what removed the victim label was truly understanding how damaged these people really are inside. Pitying him and loving myself and my kids makes healing so much easier.
@@joanna0988 im 68 and just buried my enabler dad, a GOOD man, he was afraid of her too. she died a few years before her, demented. I really couldnt explain it to him, but he got to see who she really was. Sister and I went grey rock years ago.f Im still haunted by the whole thing. Good luck and god bless...
Justice is the moment you got your life back and the narc know not to come close to you. Closure at this moment is something you will not get from the narc. You will have to find your own way to find closure if you ask me :) For the healing i would say put on some great music and cry your @ss of :D or walk in nature. Thanks again Doctor Ramani! We need more doctors like you in this world :D Peace one love!!!
Wow so much great info idk where to start ☺️ TLDR: I've found closure thanks to these videos 💖 For me I've found closure and healing came from understanding them, why they are the way they are and that it had almost nothing to do with me. The only "mistake" I made was simply not having the information I do now, or to be more accurate not being able to integrate it due to my own mental state (trauma bond). In other words it's accepting that, though it was the wrong decision and I made it based on flawed thinking patterns, I made the best decisions I could have based on the information I had. And so did they. That gives me room for both forgiveness and radical acceptance, which then leads to reducing their effect on me and then I can start to heal. That's why I make time for these videos nearly every day: here I'm getting the information in a way that I can integrate it properly because I'm given such great context and it's presented in so many ways from so many angles my brain isn't able to wriggle itself back to the flawed thinking that led to putting myself in my current situation and instead I can focus on getting out.
I love your comment! I feel the same way too. I had been digging around for a while trying to find what mistakes I'd made, somehow to blame myself for how others treated me, when I'd told myself I'd done the best I could do with impossible people. It was not having the knowledge then that I have now. Forgiveness for myself is easier. Forgiveness for them may come in time, if it does at all. I'm not as worried about them as I used to be because I know their attitudes and behaviors aren't likely to change. But mine can. Mine is all I'm concerned with now because I've done all I could do for them and gotten it thrown back in my face every single time. Good luck in your healing journey! God bless you.
@@spacegirl226 I think I forgave my parents long before I started to forgive myself so major props to you for getting it in the "right" order (not that there is one) 😜 I know for myself, and I think for alot of people who forgive them first it's due to still being in a relationship with a narcissist and not realizing. Guess that's kind of a blessing of the isolation though; I know I don't have any others hiding in my friend group because I don't have one 😆 so I can take my time and get myself to a good spot before I start letting people in again
There is a small victory in knowing that their punishment is real in that everyday they have to wake up with themselves. You won't be there but they cannot get away from themselves....
Very close to what my daughter told me after she was grown. She said, "At least we don't have to be like him." I think you're saying the same thing. While they can't get away from themselves, we don't have to be like them💙
Unfortunately they don’t look in the mirror to see they need to change in any way. Since they don’t care about anyone except themselves getting their own way at the moment. They do not link causes & effect.
My narcissist ex husband has been on a campaign to turn our adult kids against me, he's been doing this for years, but when I left and went to a homeless shelter to get away from him, he said I did it for the kids' sympathy and attention, and to make HIM look bad! My kids have stayed away from me the whole holiday season, and I expect they'll do the same for Christmas. I don't know how I'll cope or respond to being discarded by them AGAIN, I've never been so hurt in my life. I couldn't care less what the ex thinks/does/wants, but this is just too much, it's been very, very difficult.
Use the anger, regret, feelings of injustice as a creative outlet. Creating something beautiful out of negative energy is so satisfying. Whether it's learning a musical instrument, painting, gardening, even volunteering at a soup kitchen. Plus if the narcissist knew I was doing such positive things and changing the world, changing MY world, it would drive them up the wall.
I was having a hard time for awhile blaming myself for their stuff, but since learning to pray regularly and keeping away from them religiously, my joy, faith, and self-esteem are surging back. That is my revenge and karma---being serene, purposeful, beautiful, and happy despite how they tried to destroy me.
I think this is the approach needed; my opinion of course not one approach works for all. But you get revenge by living the life they couldn’t or that they tried to prevent you from having. Being peaceful, having genuine relationships with others, being HAPPY.
At this time I'm at the point of recognition and acceptance. I'm very grateful I now know what narcissist traits are, basically what a narcissistic person looks like. I avoid them as best I can. I'm not sure the day will come when I feel indifferent. I feel less acute anger, but it's hard to let go of the injustice, for myself and other survivors. Thank you Dr. Ramini for giving me the "tools" to deal with not only narcissists, but their flying monkeys. It helps to know they will probably never change and I am free to make decisions which are best for me. ❤
I really appreciate that you take the time to make compilation videos on days where you don't have a new topic, for those of us who're hanging on your every word like it's life or death...
"I'm still his friend regardless if he has done bad or good." Friendship without accountability is being a toxic enabler. Realizing it doesn't matter if he puts me in the hospital or ruins my life... he's the perpetual victim surrounded by toxic enablers and personalities themselves. They'll continue using and hurting people and somehow making themselves seem like the main character to their self inflicted soap opera. God. I feel so free.
The ongoing contact with narc mother is only helped a little with radical acceptance, reframing “change what happened to you” book, etc… but then I still am driving her to her haircut today….. while she tells my siblings I do nothing for her ……. I mostly turn to self love. I actually am one of the kindest, most loving, intelligent, perceptive, empathetic human I know.
I think it's hardest for those of us who've been pressed (or hoodwinked, or otherwise had the reponsibility dumped on us because no one else wanted to deal with it even though - maybe especially because - nobody wanted to talk about it ahead of time & then you were pressed into longer-term service in the aftermath of what was supposed to be a short-term emergency)
Revenge is something the narcissist would do. My narcissist sibling always said I needed to be punished. I'm very dedicated to being the opposite of my narcissist sibling and that means believing in Karma and living a simple peaceful life and not engaging with her. It's for me.
I've actually witnessed several throughout my life "get theirs" in ways most couldn't dream up. I leave in God's hands, as always. I still look to see how I can better myself and learn. Vengeance is his...praying for all those suffering at the hands of a loved one inflicted with this narcissism.
If you understand that Narcissism is a phenomenon, then you will have peace...its like standing at the confluence of 2 rivers where there is virtually no chance of survival yet you cannot blame the confluence...you see if you happen to come across a Narc in your life, just know that you were placed at the confluence by the universe and your job is to find a way out of the maze...and once you do that, you could enable others to do the same. Got that?
@@chayo4537 He mean if you can see the narcistic person as a other stream then you dont have to worry because you can pick every day :D :P Easy one :D Peace one love !
Watching your videos & learning to do no contact has brought me a new found freedom & my peace, which I have blissfully experienced since doing that I have come to realise that I now enjoy my own company A few close & sincere friends Revenge doesn't exist in my world now I am grateful for my life as it is now & that's enough for me to feel happy Thank you
Only the Lord will judge everything the narsisitic person has ever done in their entire life. Vengence is mine saith the Lord. And I am good with that after dealing with a narc for 28 years.
Moving on and enjoying the good that is abundant, making the most of whatever there is and yes, living your best life. That is justice and that is the way forward. There will be more narcissists to contend with so recognizing and navigating becomes a daily practice automatically.
Why couldn’t UA-cam and your channel be around 20 years ago? Amazing content. Your videos have helped me immensely. Please never stop doing what your doing ❤️🙏.
Having been around narcissists all my life, I can tell you narcissists get their karma and it’s not pretty. They suffer greatly and left lonely or die of an early age. It’s real! Just forget about them and karma comes.
The narcissist I know is old and wealthy and has a few hangers on. Comfortable and content in a basic way even if still a narcy cold fish. She is oblivious and in denial and always will be (of the damage she did).
I'm a problem solver, and I realized that I needed to decide between revenge and healing. I choose healing. I still feel angry about what my wife has done to me. I can't allow the anger to control me because I rather heal.
I know this is an old video - but Dr. Ramani, if you *do* see this, thank you for creating truly compassionate content with such deep clinical expertise - a rare combo. Your thoughtfulness in putting so many hours of your life into creating these videos will never be forgotten and is not taken lightly. I'm sorry you've been a victim of this yourself but appreciate your perspective. Thank you.
I need to remember these tips to not let the injustice I experience get to me. Life is not necessarily too short for revenge like most people say, we just need to avoid wasting it on such a petty emotion.
The most comfort I get is remembering the misery the narcissist expressed every time someone else refused to give in to their games. Though I’ll never see the misery I cause them by going no contact, I can certainly imagine how rejected they feel right now.
I'm literally going through this with a jealous neighbor at this very moment. Just hearing u address my exact thought and guilt and self blame, was more than enough to reassure me it's not me and It will pass. After leaving a severe narcissistic relationship of 12 years. I moved above...( my first time meeting a narcissistic female). Which is now my neighbor. I'm so lost on what to do as her harassment just never stops and she is destined to get my neighbors and her boyfriend to hate me. Always..either the victim or the Hero. I don't even know there name, once her boyfriend came around I became a constant target to look bad, cuz she never has her kids and my kids are my world!! Why am I constantly attracting narcissist?!! Ugghhhh. Completely EXHAUSTED
Do your best to ignore her. Don't make eye contact with her anymore. Don't respond to her words unless she says your name. If she yells, say "me? Oh i didn't know you were taking to me. My name is Adam." Either she introduces herself to you then, or not. Don't smile at her, don't acknowledge her presence. You'll get used to her being just a rando in your background noise. Don't offer her info about your life. If you accidentally get her mail in your box, simply leave it in her box or at her door. All of this applies to her boyfriend as well. When her kids do visit, let your kids know to not engage with those kids- they can say Hi if they're passing each other, but they should say No Thanks if her kids want to play. Soon enough your neighbor will ignore you too, increasing your peace. You attract them bc you somehow feed some degree of supply to them. So don't. Notice your safe/kind neighbor, and foster those relationships. If she notices your relationship with nice neighbors, good.
Same here ...narc neighbors are worse than a partner. It is easier to leave a partner than to find another place to live. Narc neighbours gave me nasty depression
How does one attract them though, if they simply sit there already living in a place? I'm very familiar this whole thing about 'attracting' whatever happens in your life, but come on.. We're not omnipotent. People do what _they_ want. These ideas can be just self blame continued. Maybe it is meant to lead to us seeing a deeper truth, who knows. Either way, you're not the issue here!
Same exact thing happened to me. A wretched older female narc neighbor. She bullied and harassed me, followed me around, threatened physical violence and threatened to go to my work place and have me fired. After a couple months of being nice to her and explaining that I prefer to keep to myself, I started responding to her with the phrase, "please leave me alone." Nothing worked, I spoke with the building manager who did nothing as they were friends. At the same time, I was being taken advantage of at work and my C-PTSD from the narc was out of control.. Continued to get worse until I had a complete mental break. I quit my job and left my apartment to sleep on the streets. Lost. all my belongings for the 2nd time in 14 months. It's been nearly 3 months on the street. I am a target for abuse and feel it will just never end. I personally can't handle the cruelty of the world anymore. There really needs to be laws about all of these things. If someone wants to be left alone, stating this really should be enough.
I'm in the process of healing and my narc abuse is from my son. So wishing him harm even in the name of justice has not been my path. My strength has come from your videos on how to deal with them, gray rock, extricating myself from the firing line. Time is a great healer. Thanks for your work!!
Imagine your contact with other people stirred constant feelings of envy, disgust, rage, paranoia, fear and some pale version of ever-fleeting superiority. Imagine all that negativity and emptiness is the closest you'd likely get to enjoying ongoing, stable love, a deep appreciation for life and an HONEST appreciation for yourself. NPD is a disorder, a dis-ease, an unsettled state of being. I'm grateful I gravitate toward peace, grateful I have self-insight and a desire to grow. I'm grateful for others who are peace-seeking and caring, with other great qualities.
In a narcissistic relationship "closure" only comes by reevaluating one's own boundaries. Then staying with those boundaries and going total no contact. That in my eyes is closure.
Thank you 🙏 Dr. Ramani! I appreciate your contributions to this subject matter. This…great talking points that all of us who have experienced a marriage to a Cluster B _ BPD - NPD - and so much more (unknowingly), need to radically accept, feel it, heal it, close it, the rebuild themselves. Gratitude! The Narcissist and The Empath is a battle of the soul! Stay alert! Stay alive! Stay strong! Peace ✌️!
I don't think there is really justice, but I can find satisfaction in the fact that I am endeavoring to have an honest life, lived with integrity. I don't think people who are living a lie can ever really be happy.
3 days ago when you posted this, I found out my 1 year relationship with my “dream man” was all a lie. He is a cop and has a wife at home and had lied the entire time. He even gave me his wife’s phone number in November and told me to block it saying it was an internal affairs investigator with the Sheriff Department . This has affected my children, my parents, my family, and my mental health worst of all. I even started taking antidepressants two months ago because I thought it was ME. Now I’m searching for healing and acceptance as well as grieving the loss of a person who never existed. Thank you for this.
Dr. Ramani, You're doing such great work to help people negotiate through confusing relationships. You've helped me for one, more than I can express here. I thank you for all you do.
Think about someone who is constantly struggling to find the greatest and the latest to fulfill the black hole within. Someone who can’t find contentment long enough to truly enjoy life. Someone who goes through relationship after relationship cheating, demanding, lying, letting people down… and being abandoned because they can’t be good enough to keep a happy and lasting relationship. Imagine going through life being a rude beggar, a liar., a jerk. The revenge is the narcissist him/herself and the miserable and pathetic creatures that they are… and growing old and stupid to their own narcissism and not understanding their own downfalls. Indifference and no contact hits them on their core. Less contact with no meaningful interaction. For those who can’t fully dissociate from these creatures. Oh and document all illegal stuff they do if any. It may serve well in a court of law.
This was one of the hardest things to deal with while I was left confused, hurt, betrayed & in the worst pain ever & traumatised my ex Narc husband was on cloud nine with his new supply probably having lots of sex & experiencing new things together & in the honeymoon phase. It was so painful I would obsessively have thoughts about him getting hit by a car or him getting a really bad illness just anything to get some sort of justice or to make it feel fair. How could I be in this much pain when I did nothing wrong & he is happy. It's been a year of no contact & I realised karma does not always work like that he won't just get hit by a car tomorrow. I still dream of the day he gets his karma but I don't obsess over it because I realised the day he lost someone like me his karma already started whether he realises yet or not it will hit him one day. Also I know he will never ever be happy deep down they are never satisfied or content they can't form healthy bonds with anyone not even their own children. Karma is them waking up & being them everyday.
Thanks for sharing such brilliant wisdom, Doc! I struggle with rumination esp recently with toxic coworkers. Though I cognitively am aware of their tactics and all the concepts you've covered on how to best cope and navigate around their harmful behaviors, I recognize how emotionally triggered and stuck I still get from just dealing with them as it resembles my childhood traumas with toxic family members. I take it a day at a time, moment by moment- if I catch myself ruminating, I have compassion for myself and gently, gradually shift my attention to the present moment. Being able to go on solo travel breaks or even walks outside my home as often as possible really helps me stay grounded, calm and from getting emotionally dystegulated. That and engaging in creative activities, reading, taking care of my needs/ prioritizing what matters to me the most, who I care about and what brings lightness, joy, beauty and wonder into my life. It has taken me a while to realize how much healthier this approach is to living- and that it'll always be a work in progress :)
I knew the only karma I was gonna get, was too sderiously love on myself. Went to the gym, stopped all drinking, (was drinking trying to block out the pain) got new hairstyle, cut out all people he associated with (enablers) because they knew what he had done, Went to meet up groups, found new hobbies, and just got happy. Best karma ever. These people thrive on seeing you fail, they love too see how powerful they are in trying to destroy your life. I caught mine looking happy at something awful that happened to me, That was the end. Now 1 year later Im the best version of myself. They in essence did me a favour. When I saw them and there group (who were also my supposed friends), I looked genuinely happy and radiant, and it was the best feeling ever, the look on them, becuase they could not keep me down and depressed. If you want karma love love love yourself like you have never done before. Good Luck.
If this helps anyone out here. And firstly thank you Dr Ramani. Your work is an ongoing spring of healing for millions of survivors and many many more to come. Each time I feel “ an urge to get justice from the hurt of narcissistic people in my life, after acknowledging this feeling. Even staying with it for a bit, then gently, engaging in an activity of self care, ranging from a walk, to coffee in a coffee shop, talking to a loving friend, I will then take one more step towards doing one thing that I am passionate about. So my brain has become programmed to “ every feeling or urge to get justice means it will be followed by an idea of growing my passion and the work I do as a mental health professional. ❤sending love to you and this wonderful community you have created .
This entire message is exactly what I needed as the family scapegoat, as I prepare for sibling Narc to perform smear campaign on my character to his lawyer, over his 21-year-long covetous lusting & entitlement of not getting any cut of our dead mother's insurance money she received when our dad died. Dr. Ramani, you are saving our hearts, minds, & lives by being God's earth angel, thank you! Wishing everyone a peaceful, joyful Christmas and Happy New Year 2023 with safe, loving people who cherish you for who you are!
@@jeanetteshawredden5643 OH THANK YOU Jeanette for sharing such a fantastic Overcomer-rephrase word!!! I'm definitely an ESCAPED GOAT, hahahaha -- thank you a million times over, because now I'm going to keep an eye out for a miniature goat figurine that I can tie a cut piece of twine thread around its neck, to remind myself how I was forced to cut myself free!!! Edit-- I bought a little black sheep at a Thrift store from Precious Moments company, to remind myself that although my bitter Narc mother went on a smear campaign of my character to the family, I'm still a PRECIOUS "black sheep" who Jesus scooped up and brought into His fold of Overcomers, to wash me "white as snow" with God's mercy, grace, & compassion....... helping me feel genuine pity for my narc brother whose bitter vengefulness was exacerbated by opiate addiction and has literally physically transformed his body into a hunched, skeletonized, toothless Golem full of spiteful vengeance, whose cycles of sweetness & meanness cannot be trusted -- exactly like Golem's appearance & behavior in L.O.T.R.
My parents and sibling are all narcissists and enablers of each others narcissism. After listening to this video I can finally free myself of guilt for not participating more in their lives nor do I have to feel responsible for caring for my parents in their old age. My sister can no longer guilt me for being a “bad sister” for refusing to be her punching bag and my parents cannot guilt me into it anymore either. Thank you for this amazing work that you do. No one has ever painted such a complete picture of my life before. And most of the therapists I have seen have gaslighted me as well saying that my anger isn’t real and that my family did their best and I should forgive people more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙏
The most difficuot thing I had to do is to distance myself from my parents. I am the only one in the family who does this. So it makes me look like the crazy one. “How dare I do this?” They keep on playing the victim card and tell lies about me whenever they get the change. Put my words completely out ot context. Society and culturally a child is not allowed to do this, because we are taught to always have respect for your parents. Nowadays I tell people: Parents should respecr their children. I found more inner peace and grounding since I cut them out of my life. They never hit me of abused me physically of sexually. But…never underestimate emotional and mentally abuse.
Sounds exactly like my family. I'm working on accepting the fact that they have succeeded in convincing pretty much everyone in my large extended family that I am the problem and there's nothing I can do about it. Actually, I'd like to see Dr. Ramani do a vid on this: Why does everybody believe the narcissist no matter how improbable or outright impossible their story is?
Self preservation. I did this years ago. And have received many negative, judgmental misunderstood and unaccpeting responses from people over the years who learn of my stepping away from what hurt me so. However, that's OK after all because I know what I am doing and they will either respect my choice or they won't, either way doesn't affect me.
Dr. Ramani, you are a most caring, empathetic, delightful and charming woman. I just love the person you are . Thank you for the wonderful work you do, it really matters. It helps people, it helps ME.. I'm a survivor and I'm going on, thank you for letting me know that's enough. They say living well is the best revenge. I love hearing and then getting to focus on not wanting revenge. These poor souls do have to live in their own shoes and that's a sad place to be.
I've been watching Dr Ramani's videos for some time and find them helpful. However, one major criticism for me is that she always assumes that the narcissist wants the relationship to continue and that the narcissist's victim is the one that has made or has to make the decision to leave. Yet, in my experience with narcs (direct and indirect), in just as many cases, it's the narcissist who exits the relationship and it's the victim who wants it to continue. I'd really like Dr Ramani to do some videos that help people whom the narcissist has left/dumped/discarded.
I've been going through this experience too. He used me and cheated on me then dumped me. He does try to keep me hanging by a thread because his new relationship didn't work but it's over. He left me for my ex friend who he had a 4 year affair with. If that worked out I never would have seen or heard from him again. He just doesn't respond to calls or texts and I don't see him unless he comes to my house so that's how it's going to be. It's really hard to deal with and it is so unfair. I'm not sure there's anything that can make it any easier on us but time and healing.
She talks about this al the time when you be discarded doesn’t matter if he left you or you left them…. In both situations they want you back but not for love but. For who to see if they still have access to you….
Pity was the key that opened the door to freedom for me. Realizing that they are never going to know what real love feels like is sad enough for me. But I've learned to love myself enough not to let them take me with em
I remember having a conversation with my Mom about feeling bad because bad people still get ahead and don't seem to suffer any consciences and she said "Ah yes, but they do, and will; you may not witness it but eventually everything will catch up to them. And they won't be able to live with themselves. If you remain a good person, you will be able to live with your own conscious. And having nothing to hide is the gift of G-d." People that don't do right don't usually live well later on; especially when everything falls back on them.
I believe this too. I don’t spend time hating my ex even though he certainly deserves it. I know how hard it is to be him with his demons. He list the respect of his exes, his family, and even his children. They put up with him but talk ill of him behind his back. This new woman he left me for is bleeding him dry while no one in his life likes her. I am happy and at peace. I educate other women now about these types of relationships and have been blessed.
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I keep jumping back and forward between acceptance and injustice. The yo-yoing between these two is causing me great turmoil because one minute I feel I have taken big steps to heal but then the injustice comes back because something or someone triggers me and I feel right back at the start of despair. I find all I can do to carry on is to educate myself as much as possible about the whole subject because the knowledge shows me that I am not wrong and crazy and can trust my own judgement. I hope that one day, I can support others through what I am going through because it’s sure one very lonely road to be on.
@@reesedaniel5835 idk why most people who call themselves Christians only focus on the lovey dovey stuff. The Gospel is the most important, I believe. However, we know Jesus Christ was following the first five books of the Bible and most definitely the Psalms, Proverbs, books of Job, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Isiah etc. Most people do not follow the Gospel, so this is where the law is necessary. Christ was taught 'Do not do unto others what you find distasteful within yourself.' Much stronger than the other which leads to the blind leading the blind and can seem like offering the throat to the parasite and the vulture.
Thank you as always Dr.Ramani💪🏾💗 for your daily dose of clear words of wisdom that's kept me sane. Living your life well is true revenge & know that they will def. get judged for eternity as God says "Revenge is his"
One thing I learned in my 58 years of life is that the humble people are well educated and are well respected in their attitudes and beliefs and the ability to make decisions about their lives and appreciated language in all aspects of their lives. They are the best educated people to do this process with like minded people who are well trained. Thanks. Amen.
What takes a toll on me is why the heck can't they just let you be? I thought after 6 months of no contact with parents, they'll leave me alone, but no, their first message was' I don't know what you think about us' followed by ' we sincerely love you' with sincerely in capital letters; BS; this ' sincere' word means nothing to them
The only thing they can do is creep me out. If you continue to push through no contact, there is a point where they just become annoyances. I realize they can never change me no matter what terrible things come my way because of them, so I am not so afraid anymore. But it comes with time and determination and choosing to love those around you in ways they never taught you.
Not sure you’ll ever understand or could possibly comprehend how much your videos have helped people. I’ve watched so many and can’t tell you the difference it’s made in my life, well being, and growth to have a happy marriage and kids that will NEVER go through what many have.❤
And it’s not only financial but multi transactional in other ways. Wanting and if possible taking what you have and if they can’t have what you have they will want to destroy it!
Closure is knowing you will never get closure from a narcissist. They can’t ever blame themselves and will always be the victim.
So true. The best closure is to go silently into the good night. NO CONTACT, no discussion no words just slip away. Walk away without ever letting them know YOU KNOW who they are and live your life happily without them. It's been my best practice to date.
And now that I know, the grieving process begins.
Tell me about it. I’m starting-from-scratch for the third time since he entered my life.
I’m no longer “in love” w/ him anymore… at least. This helps tremendously. I have 0 urge to understand, accommodate, or modify my habits to fit his life.
He says, “you needs meds” as refusing to accept accountability to improve.
I re-entered the dating scene. I’m happy and looking forward to finding Mr. Right. Being respected by a man who genuinely asks for my input is something I’ve grown foreign to… refreshing to have others who respect me… again. ☺️
My cover narc husband recently abandoned me during a late miscarriage, (18 weeks) and started dating another person a week later, left me waiting and trying to reach out for weeks as I really needed him…while he blamed me for it all, until who he was and is all clicked by my therapist, it’s been nearly two months since it all happened and we met last weekend and he smirked at my tears and hunched when I asked him why he would do such a thing, I’m dealing with the need for justice daily, it eats away at me. Self love is beautiful but some things, self love will never make up for. The pain of someone doing something like this to you….wow I can’t tell you. But he will never have access to me again, he is a disgrace. I will get my justice
So hard to accept this
After living through relationships with narcissistic family, friends and wives, what I have learned is that the single most important thing to a narcissist is not money, possessions or even fame; it's their ego. They will protect that ego to the death and will never, ever admit anything wrong-ever. Justice is simply getting away from these monsters.
Oh this is so true! I've always said that my dad only has two emotions: ego and fear. More like fear of losing his money, reputation, family, his slave (mom).
Yes, exactly. He took everything but I am safe away from the demon.
True, I am having such a peaceful Christmas without them. I had so much joy the last few holiday seasons, only to be misused by my parents and sisters at the family gatherings. They will have to find someone else to scapegoat and gaslight!
Soo true❤❤🙏
Very true
Their karma is when you decide to walk away and go no contact.
And taking away the prop/support because of which they are able to be 'successful' at work and due to your empathetic care...( with NO appreciation of you at all..) refusing to be used...any narc or abuser does NOT derserve your kindness & support!! An abusive parent/relative/friend/neighbor/whoever...
@@sudhakhristmukti1930 Yep, even neighbors, man. It's ridiculous
@@jordanferguson2254 Had evil bullying & abusive neighbors, 2 couples above 65 & 70, who had no peace and harrassed/provoked in words & deeds ...their grown children outdoing them in their ugly behaviours!! One of them, a mean postman ( even a mean pitbull is sweet in comparison!!) above 65, after my mother's demise, entered his own name fraudulently (with the help of corrupt officials,) into my mother's house-property-documents in the city records office. He (& equally abusive & enabling wife) was shameless even when he was exposed of his foul 'deed' and lost the case. In fact he enjoyed the whole process gleefully instead of feeling shameful trying to steal my mother's property, while for me the three years it took to solve it, was a waste of time, money, energy. It took an awful toll on my health. He was retired on a fat govt.pension (& had a house of his own since years) while I had multiple responsibilities and lost my work for 3 years having to run about to various offices. I pray for God's vengeance upon him and his mean wife and 2 grown daughters who knowingly enabled him in every way. Our family had no idea such vile neighbors would come live next-doors.
@@sudhakhristmukti1930 I really empathize with your situation. We all need to be very careful of who has even the slightest view or access to our lives. I've also noticed they get bolder with time, as they were never stopped or put in their place. They'd have no power if it weren't for their enablers and positions in society. But I think the world is awakening more and more to such crooked people and their ways, while also punishing their slaves (by cutting contact with all involved). The shamelessness is also very real, the narcs I know literally tell on themselves in terms of their flaws or misdeeds! Your neighbor was gleeful because to him, it was simply shooting his shot. To him, it was no different than a simple exercise like grocery shopping. The best we can do with such individuals is fortify not only ourselves mentally and physically, but also our lives (e.g. use of security cameras, friends/contacts in influential positions or pursue these positions ourselves, physical distance from evil whenever possible, etc.). The similar injustice in terms of my time, success and health being affected was why I embarked on my healing, strengthening, no bullshit tolerance and bridge burning journey. Why should I suffer and deteriorate as they go on as if nothing happened? I'll be damned! 🦅As of now, I don't believe in karma, as people like Jeffrey Epstein prosper greatly in life. I don't know if a God exists, but even if he does, I question how he could allow for such situations. I mean, babies get raped and thrown in garbage cans. God doesn't seem to care. Thus, I do not depend on the external for justice, karma, etc. It really is up to us to attain inner peace and strength, defend ourselves, learn about evil, maintain our distance (shrewdly, so as to not gain attention or provoke them), or actually do something (again, while being smart). These people seemed to have died as children, which is why they seem so juvenile. They also constantly need to bother others, because it's the only way they feel emotions. Wishing you peace and safety!
@@jordanferguson2254 Thank you Jordan, for all your thoughts, insights, observations. In their case, maintaining distance etc. did not work.They hated being ignored, so they thought up new stuff to provoke, prod...will share what his wife did.
The real justice that results from narcissistic relationships is never about the other person (the person who hurt you)- it’s about the person YOU become on the other side. Unfortunately some of us are destined to run into these types in order to learn and grow from them. They teach us how to love ourselves. To see ourselves. To value ourselves. How NOT to treat others. If we can learn these lessons- we’ve won. We can’t worry about what happens to the narc, because that’s on them.
Good response! I couldn't have said it better myself! - 🦂
🙏
I like this message because in this message every word is so true.
Oh yeah that's the golden ticket right there... And frankly it more seductively perfect idilic relationship might keep us lazy to face the journey within... Inward and upward through the rock tumbler ever smoother and shinier in life and beyond
The best revenge is living well. Do the best you can, and take good care yourself.
I've been on earth long enough to see people get what they deserve eventually.
I hope so Rainn, I really hope so. either way, knowing he no longer has me to torture is satisfying to me.
Well sooner or later we all die, so obviously.
That reminds me of a quote I saw somewhere: "Sit at the river bank long enough and eventually you will see your enemies floating by..."
I am close to 74 years and my husband passed away 3.5 years ago. I am still learning and analyzing my situation in past47 years relationship with him by watching your videos and reading your books. It helps me.
Sending you love
So proud of your tenacity and willingness to learn. You are an amazing positive influence, Thank you! Sending love and strength ✌️❤
I hope that along with the processing you are having times of joy and peace. ❤️🩹
Bless your heart, and may your peace find you with a quick abundance blessing you with deep wisdom filled with gratitude for all your unknown victories.
Through all those years, likely a lone warrior fighting to keep your light alive, you are now on a new journey where the fog is able to clear away and you can see all that what may have appeared to be lost of one's self is now wiser, stronger, braver and radiating in the newly born wholeness, authentically beautiful made by you as with each blessing you count you are designing the identity once taken.
You are a survivor. ❤🎉
Really pay attention to this woman because everything she saying is exactly what I went through. It’s not that I no longer care, it’s just I no longer let those feelings of defeat overcome my life. I refuse to live in misery one more moment! Do yourself a favor And let it go. CHOOSE HAPPINESS ❤
December 21 will be five months of my daughter not speaking to me because I stood up for my grandson's right to live in an environment without his parents throwing things at each other and fighting physically, including body slams. It actually feels okay now because I am practicing radical acceptance and because when I filed for visitation of my grandson, the personnel there heard the situational details and asked if I had informed cps. My daughter would have me believe accepting the abuser back into her house is all just fine for the little boy. I no longer feel that I have betrayed anybody because I stood up for common decency. She has been abusive to me for years. Whatever the court decides, I feel peaceful about it. I am not going to toe her lines forever, and her son deserves to learn that this home chaos is not how things are supposed to work. He deserves someone to speak up for him.
May I make a suggestion that if you feel the need to involve anyone you report it to the police and not CPS.
im so so sorry 😭
@@FierceMamma can you please explain further? I'm one who would likely call both after this woman says she spoke up on behalf of the boy. If you tell a narc anything, it's not in them to know how to do better. They just can't. I've been brought to heel and back thinking I refuse to be divorced twice. SO DUMB. I thought it would lessen over time with less pressure from kids, work, life. With retirement I was future faked into my dream of traveling cross-country in an RV. That RV was nothing but a safe haven for my discard phase. He planned it well. The only thing he ever planned for was getting his supply.
Good for you! Every child needs an advocate if the parents are unable…it’s so sad but the circle needs to break or he may end up unconsciously following following in his mothers footsteps.
@@FierceMamma The police did come, and they recommended cps.
Talk to someone you can trust and someone who understands you. Grey rock. Respond, don’t react. No contact.
After going thru the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) one advances to “Radical Acceptance”. This is fully accepting that the reality of what you now know about the narcissist, is never going to change. You are now free to live your life in peace❤️
Thank God after 46 years I finally understand this.
I think I’m toward the end of the depression stage. I’ve thought about my recent weeks in a new city that is hours away from him. And I feel like I can breathe…. Thank God. Even so, I’m starting-from-scratch and this isn’t desirable.
I’m beginning the acceptance stage soon. I feel less willing to beg but rather, to reply to his texts and say, “I’m sorry” by letting him think I’m “giving-in” but all the while just looking forward to excluding him from my life once I retrieve most of my belongings which are currently in the house we once shared.
Honestly, I feel motivated to move-on since 1. He’s already taken over 5 years of my life (my eggs are drying-up and I deserve a husband and children), 2. Many other men support traditional values that I have, 3. I’m starting to realize that I thought I could only have a nice life w/ him… but my recent encounters are contrary to this. I’m starting to remember how hardworking I had been before I reconciled w/ him. The fire in the pit of my belly is reigniting that helped me survive my traumatic upbringing when I had been in my mother’s custody.
Finally, I can genuinely say that I’m ready to leave him in the past. I don’t love him as a prospective husband anymore. His parents raised him incorrectly to point the finger (literally), blame and mistreat women…. He’ll never improve. The ill-intent ways of his upbringing cannot be bypassed. And his parents enable him which prevents his growth. Dead-End.
Also… I’m starting to get to know a man better who I’ve gone on 3 dates w/. And not having to apologize for laughter is refreshing. I can be myself again. And enjoy every moment life has to offer w/ a man who is fair and on-the-same-page regarding life goals. Unsure of our outcome long-term. Regardless, laughing again feels very good.
The best revenge is moving on and living your life in peace knowing that they have to be them.
The best revenge is living well.
Yes, true but very difficult when you are left harmed physically and financially. I'm older so rebuilding my life isn't easy. I have a great job but it's very full on and I have children who are close to me.
I do feel foolish that I didn't take the right approach on finances. I trusted him and he walked away hiding his wealth. I was made ill by the relationship and divorce so still recovering years later.
Without it being a matter of "showing" the N.
that's some weak assed bullshit they tell people to keep them from fighting back
They don't give a fuck.
Your so right
I would shake my head when I would watch them doing so well. Untouched. No repercussions for their actions. I would get into this magical thinking place that justice will be done and all that. When I sat back and watched their life go on I have to say I was shocked when things caught up with them. It seemed like what they put out came back to them three times. It didn't take away the pain that they had caused me. I felt sorry for them. Things happened to them that I wouldn't have wished on my worse enemy.
It’s your empathic nature most likely, I’m the same 😔
Justice is external and closure is internal.
Justice is pretty internal. Seek the sh- out of it.
I feel it's best if I don't let people rent space in my head, especially a narcissist. To heal, I have immersed myself trying to better myself and being there for others who deserve my time and love. This is probably the best video you've presented on healing from a post-narcissistic relationship. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and research on this topic. Your lectures have helped me understand the dynamics of their behavior.
100%
Great metaphor there, " if I don't let people rent space in my head," that is a hook that I will use in my own personal struggle, thanks
After years of allowing my narcs to treat me like a doormat, I've finally stood up and learned to take care of myself. I get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and do the work that needs to be done. I thank God each day I wake with peace and quiet. And I thank you Dr Ramani and this community for the timeless teachings and sharing. May God's protection and comfort be upon you always. 😊💐🇵🇭
Amen 🙏 I want to be able to say this too. Trying to ignite the spark of desire to take better care of me.
My own version of letting go of the need for justice is to release them to the care of the Universal Consciousness (or Great Spirit or God or HP or etc) that they may receive the guidance they need to heal their wounded soul. This releases and relieves me of the burden of having to provide said "guidance". Repeat this mantra, burn some sage, burn some photos, play some spiritual music, drink some tea, dance naked under the stars, whatever, until you realize that you are grieving the loss of the person they only pretended to be. You loved a nonexistent person, a mirage, an illusion, a farce of sorts, but turns out the existential joke's on them. Let them be who they are, alone in all their glorious misery and grotesque delusions. Move on to truth, integrity, authenticity and sanity. Leave them in the dust. Focus on yourself and your success. Narcissists hate it when you are able to forget about them as if they never existed (because they never actually existed).
that last part....hurts
Beautiful 🎉
@@dakotaridgek9 Repeat until the hurt heals.
thnx
i came to that same conclusion.... always on my own, i followed a fake star.
The relationship that my ex used to triangulate and “punish me” ended about a year and a half ago. He’s approached me a couple times asking I ever think of trying again. It was self-validating in that it made me really assess where I was at, and it was NOT there. I still have occasional dark days but I am solid in my position. I feel sad for him because I see him struggling being alone, but I have no compulsion to fix it. Justice is the consequences of his actions. He still blames me for the unfortunate state of his life now, but I know I did the right thing by finally leaving (as painful as it was) and am indifferent to his attempts to shame me for it.
I love this! I think my ex is alone too.
I think this is going to happen in my life. And I don’t want to be around to hear him lament about how terrible a situation he has. He’s been aggressively horrible-absent, neglectful, verbally abusive, raging. That covers his behavior.
I watched a tv show years ago and the exchange between the ex’s summed it up for what I was going through. The husband asked “can you just explain why you left me” and she responded “the fact that you asked me that question is why.” Funny thing, about 10 years later my ex actually asked me the same question 😂 and yes I responded with her answer. 😂 Not as satisfying as I thought it would feel cuz I knew he still wouldn’t get it, but it did earn some much needed reinforcement that I made the right decision in leaving.
They will just do it again, my wife has left twice with my poor little 4 year old daughter Sophia.
they like to sell people an illusion. what helped me disconnect is that they tried to ensnare me in their illusion but then i realized it was all meaningless becaise it was an illusion meant to trap me in being the narcissist's supply. oce i told myself i was tired of giving this person so much energy (it was almost like the energy a mom invests in a kid!) i was free from that frame of mind. i also saw his weaknesses and i realized i felt sorry for him but i deserve better.
Self love is the answer! Work on all the things you need and want to. Ya probably been sacrificing yourself long enough anyways. That is the ultimate revenge!
There is no revenge, but there is no contact. That frees us to give our goodness only to those who love and respect us. Choose very carefully who you allow into your life. Over time, indifference comes and the gift of not caring is a beautiful end result.
The best revenge is you yourself living well and being content. Amd then laughing as the enemy slowly, and deliberately, sabotages themselves. Gettin' iller and iller.
I eventually saw my narcissist completely alone but never felt any satisfaction from it. He had hurt the ppl in his life to the point he was alone. I felt sad that I couldn’t "fix" him or help him. After 40 yrs he definitely experienced karma but I experienced it too. Fortunately I have found my grandchildren have brought back joy for me.
The sad thing is that any of us ever hoped or imagined we could "fix" or help a narcissist.
The difference between closure and justice - with closure it’s simply over and I don’t care anymore about any of the injustices. Justice is not even possible in a narcissist relationship IMO or many the only justice is no contact and no longer ruminating about the injustices.
I agree with this no longer them having a resident in your head for the rest of your life getting your life back parts of it anyway
@@aliceroberts1980 No, we take it all back with interest 🦅
@@aliceroberts1980 Like being able to obtain a place of your own you can call YOUR OWN because you can keep up with the living costs and also be able to walk around a few blocks to purchase something you need or want at a convenient store without having to look over your shoulder( let alone having to feel any shame ir guilt from others over seperating from someone who's been toxic towards you or to others-close ones or strangers in front of you. To even ask for assistance from from even what you believe was a caring co-worker without feeling shamed, guilty for even parting from a toxic partner/spouse-or even being called out as toxic or rediculous to your face in roundabout ways or behind your back.
Agreed, quit letting them have free rent space in your head. Resolve to never get involved with another narcissist and detach from the experience.
💜 🌹
I resonate with the idea of healing without getting justice. I had to let go of any sort of fairness or justice in order to move on, even though it felt SO FREAKING UNFAIR. However, after I did so, moved on, healed, and celebrated my new life of freedom, he died. And when I found out and told people, they often said, oh, I'm sorry. And I'd reply, "Well, I'm not!" (And I'd usually add, that I had not, in fact, personally killed him.) He died of a heart attack on his own, in his lonely house, with no one but the dog. No one knew for at least a couple of days. #notsorry
I love this. In the moment, you may relish in the idea of your abuser getting their comeuppance but the real mark of maturity is hearing that things did blow up in their face and you mostly don't care. The ultimate revenge is growing beyond your abuser to the point that they don't take up much of your brain space anymore. You don't care because you crafted a life that brings you fulfilment and suddenly the fairness of the universe doesn't matter.
It’s only human to be relieved that you or your children’s lives aren’t going to be continued to be harmed and violated due to their control abuse punishments and threats _ should something happen, there would not be joy for it, there would still be the rest of our lives healing and getting some relief from the trauma - that’s it , that’s all .
My best calming words from a counselor working with me breaking up w/ a narcissistic partner. Those words were, "can you imagine being in their skin. Every day, every minute of the day, they have to live with themselves."
It just hit me in such a way that i clearly understood how lucky i was to get away after 8 years!!!
👏
Listening to this on Christmas Day without family or friends. Thank you Dr Ramani.
With a narcissistic relationship in the past (a few years ago), there was no closure or justice, but me being brave enough to leave and to take the steps towards recovery and healing made me feel so much better, free and alive - and it comforted me in a way to realize that the abusive, narcissistic person will continue having to live life as themselves, and will likely not experience deep, lasting, peaceful and fulfilling relationships as a result of their actions.
The injustice of "coparenting " with a malignant narcissist is Neverending. But, I will say after 5 years of her "fooling" family court system her empire of lies is starting to fall! That's the closest thing to "justice" we have had.
❤👍🏻
Hugs, I have been dealing with this too, and it has taken a solid 7 years. It feels good when they dig themselves deeper and you just walk away and don't do anything to cause their downfall or get in the mud with them.
My husband and I are dealing with this with his ex-wife and going back to court again per her petition - first appearance is during my husband's visitation time. She and the children live across the planet from us; the children have to travel over 48 hours to come visit us (summer and every other winter for approximately 4-5 weeks). This year is his year to have time with the children and she is visiting the the US and staying with his narcissistic parents for two of the four weeks; this is also the second time she has done this. Our lawyer has said that this is a blatant interference of his visitation with the children and quite possibly we will get some justice in court.
@alanachristine482 yes! I'm speaking of my husband's ex-wife as well! Prayers it's a hard journey!
God bless you. I wish you peace anywhere you can find it.
It does color your perception of the world. It changes drastically.
You exactly know the words I say in my head….”how could I be so stupid? What could I have done differently? How did this happen?” Etc….
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I was terribly hurt two years ago and I am still suffering. However, more and more often I come to realize that I wasted two years ruminating, hating, isolating, becoming cynical and bitter. I was hoping for justice, but my narc is doing great. Meanwhile, I deteriorated. I wish I could go back in time, allowed myself to grieve for a month or so and then moved on. I am tired of living like this. I want to move on.
Took me three years to feel good. until recently I start feeling good so I know what do you mean. It so fucking hard. Get out more and do the activities that you like and be busy with work, you'll start forgetting them.
@@user-ce6dp4mi7v so true!
I want you to know your experience helped someone. You sharing these thoughts just gave me the reminder not to dwell in it too long. Back to life!😁
@@MaroonRose3216 I can only hope that this will help you and perhaps others. Good luck and please learn from my mistake: move on, don’t waste time. Life’s too short! 🙏 and thank you for letting me know! I will take comfort in knowing my wasted time did not totally go to waste! ;-)
It helps me to remind myself that the people in my life who are narcissistic and have perpetuated abuse towards me are incapable of loving themselves in the fulfilling way that I love myself. I know the dynamics of the relationships that they form. Even though they have gotten the better of me in the moment, I have crafted a life for myself free from that abuse and I can live my life the way I choose. They have wronged me deeply but I have something far greater than anything they can take from me.
Thank you for these tools, Dr. Ramani. They have helped me immensely on my journey to be a better human being.
When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
Thank YOU!! 🍃🌸🍃
Walk away and never look back. It's the only way to deal with them.
The co-parenting aspect is incredibly hard. Being constantly and consistently abused and gaslighted even two and half years after leaving my ex-husband feels like a nightmare. And there is no escape but communication is mandatory. It’s truly a very disheartening and emotionally taxing place to be me. I’m not not perfect in how I have navigated forward but I try to just focus on my kids and our world. I have zero control over him or the choices he makes or how he treats me. It’s just really hard. Thanks for your endless compassion, Dr. Ramani ❤️
Much love to you. I was there. It is a nightmare. But does end.
Never been where you are, but I feel for you and hope you cut that sucker off at the first opportunity.
Never, no matter what, let your guard down with them. Keep your kids safe, never give him any more control over the children because if you do he will exploit the situation and hurt the kids as a means to cause you pain. If you have full custody, keep it always so your kids can be out of harm's way.
If you absolutely have to “deal” with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their “re”actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc`s victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
I keep trying to not be a victim anymore, but co-parenting is making it really hard. Also fighting for my basic rights as a parent in a broken legal system is soul destroying. I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for my kids who need me now more than ever
As someone who has experienced the same exact thing, my heart goes out to you sir... I dont know whats more damaging to the soul, the narcissistic abuse, or the complete let down of a broken family court system that enables it. May the force of good be with you and your children grow to see through it
That's rough. For me, what removed the victim label was truly understanding how damaged these people really are inside. Pitying him and loving myself and my kids makes healing so much easier.
Please keep fighting for your kids 🙏 my dad didn't even try and now I'm 34 and working through all the mess my mom put us through 😞
I'm really sorry you are enduring this. You and your kids deserve better.
@@joanna0988 im 68 and just buried my enabler dad, a GOOD man, he was afraid of her too. she died a few years before her, demented. I really couldnt explain it to him, but he got to see who she really was.
Sister and I went grey rock years ago.f Im still haunted by the whole thing. Good luck and god bless...
Justice is the moment you got your life back and the narc know not to come close to you.
Closure at this moment is something you will not get from the narc.
You will have to find your own way to find closure if you ask me :)
For the healing i would say put on some great music and cry your @ss of :D or walk in nature.
Thanks again Doctor Ramani!
We need more doctors like you in this world :D Peace one love!!!
Wow so much great info idk where to start ☺️ TLDR: I've found closure thanks to these videos 💖
For me I've found closure and healing came from understanding them, why they are the way they are and that it had almost nothing to do with me. The only "mistake" I made was simply not having the information I do now, or to be more accurate not being able to integrate it due to my own mental state (trauma bond). In other words it's accepting that, though it was the wrong decision and I made it based on flawed thinking patterns, I made the best decisions I could have based on the information I had. And so did they. That gives me room for both forgiveness and radical acceptance, which then leads to reducing their effect on me and then I can start to heal. That's why I make time for these videos nearly every day: here I'm getting the information in a way that I can integrate it properly because I'm given such great context and it's presented in so many ways from so many angles my brain isn't able to wriggle itself back to the flawed thinking that led to putting myself in my current situation and instead I can focus on getting out.
I love your comment! I feel the same way too. I had been digging around for a while trying to find what mistakes I'd made, somehow to blame myself for how others treated me, when I'd told myself I'd done the best I could do with impossible people. It was not having the knowledge then that I have now. Forgiveness for myself is easier. Forgiveness for them may come in time, if it does at all. I'm not as worried about them as I used to be because I know their attitudes and behaviors aren't likely to change. But mine can. Mine is all I'm concerned with now because I've done all I could do for them and gotten it thrown back in my face every single time.
Good luck in your healing journey! God bless you.
Well said.
@@spacegirl226 I think I forgave my parents long before I started to forgive myself so major props to you for getting it in the "right" order (not that there is one) 😜 I know for myself, and I think for alot of people who forgive them first it's due to still being in a relationship with a narcissist and not realizing. Guess that's kind of a blessing of the isolation though; I know I don't have any others hiding in my friend group because I don't have one 😆 so I can take my time and get myself to a good spot before I start letting people in again
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Absolutely.
Hi April, so true and so well said! I wish you all the best!😊🙏
The best revenge is being independant and happy.
“Even injustice has its good points. It gives me the challenge of being as happy as I can in an unfair world” Dr Albert Ellis ❤❤❤
There is a small victory in knowing that their punishment is real in that everyday they have to wake up with themselves. You won't be there but they cannot get away from themselves....
Very close to what my daughter told me after she was grown. She said, "At least we don't have to be like him." I think you're saying the same thing. While they can't get away from themselves, we don't have to be like them💙
Unfortunately they don’t look in the mirror to see they need to change in any way. Since they don’t care about anyone except themselves getting their own way at the moment. They do not link causes & effect.
My narcissist ex husband has been on a campaign to turn our adult kids against me, he's been doing this for years, but when I left and went to a homeless shelter to get away from him, he said I did it for the kids' sympathy and attention, and to make HIM look bad! My kids have stayed away from me the whole holiday season, and I expect they'll do the same for Christmas. I don't know how I'll cope or respond to being discarded by them AGAIN, I've never been so hurt in my life. I couldn't care less what the ex thinks/does/wants, but this is just too much, it's been very, very difficult.
I have seen my oldest son once in 3 years. He just turned 18. It sucks
Bless you. I know how it feels to have your relationship with your kids sabotaged by your ex. Nothing worse. You are never alone. 🙏
Use the anger, regret, feelings of injustice as a creative outlet. Creating something beautiful out of negative energy is so satisfying. Whether it's learning a musical instrument, painting, gardening, even volunteering at a soup kitchen. Plus if the narcissist knew I was doing such positive things and changing the world, changing MY world, it would drive them up the wall.
I was having a hard time for awhile blaming myself for their stuff, but since learning to pray regularly and keeping away from them religiously, my joy, faith, and self-esteem are surging back. That is my revenge and karma---being serene, purposeful, beautiful, and happy despite how they tried to destroy me.
I think this is the approach needed; my opinion of course not one approach works for all.
But you get revenge by living the life they couldn’t or that they tried to prevent you from having. Being peaceful, having genuine relationships with others, being HAPPY.
"pray" there it is! you're a religious nut. Mrs. Darvo here
The best revenge is a life well lived. All the best to you moving forward.
@@kchaddah2595 Thank you. My approach worked. They came around. The crisis has passed.
At this time I'm at the point of recognition and acceptance. I'm very grateful I now know what narcissist traits are, basically what a narcissistic person looks like. I avoid them as best I can.
I'm not sure the day will come when I feel indifferent. I feel less acute anger, but it's hard to let go of the injustice, for myself and other survivors.
Thank you Dr. Ramini for giving me the "tools" to deal with not only narcissists, but their flying monkeys. It helps to know they will probably never change and I am free to make decisions which are best for me. ❤
I really appreciate that you take the time to make compilation videos on days where you don't have a new topic, for those of us who're hanging on your every word like it's life or death...
"I'm still his friend regardless if he has done bad or good."
Friendship without accountability is being a toxic enabler. Realizing it doesn't matter if he puts me in the hospital or ruins my life... he's the perpetual victim surrounded by toxic enablers and personalities themselves. They'll continue using and hurting people and somehow making themselves seem like the main character to their self inflicted soap opera.
God. I feel so free.
The ongoing contact with narc mother is only helped a little with radical acceptance, reframing “change what happened to you” book, etc… but then I still am driving her to her haircut today….. while she tells my siblings I do nothing for her ……. I mostly turn to self love. I actually am one of the kindest, most loving, intelligent, perceptive, empathetic human I know.
What a Narcissistic person says it what THEY see in the mirror. Has NOTHING to do with you !
@@m.maclellan7147 ThankU
I think it's hardest for those of us who've been pressed (or hoodwinked, or otherwise had the reponsibility dumped on us because no one else wanted to deal with it even though - maybe especially because - nobody wanted to talk about it ahead of time & then you were pressed into longer-term service in the aftermath of what was supposed to be a short-term emergency)
@@amarbyrd2520 you describe a very familiar scenario! It's a terrible scapegoat setup!
One of the best ways to manage the injustice for me is watching videos like these and reading the comments and seeing the community around it.
Revenge is something the narcissist would do. My narcissist sibling always said I needed to be punished. I'm very dedicated to being the opposite of my narcissist sibling and that means believing in Karma and living a simple peaceful life and not engaging with her. It's for me.
There is no justice, but closure is moving on, accepting they can never change & i can only change myself & heal.
I've actually witnessed several throughout my life "get theirs" in ways most couldn't dream up. I leave in God's hands, as always. I still look to see how I can better myself and learn. Vengeance is his...praying for all those suffering at the hands of a loved one inflicted with this narcissism.
Indifference is the gold standard of healing from narcissistic abuse !!!
These are golden words from you Dr Ramani 👍🏻
If you understand that Narcissism is a phenomenon, then you will have peace...its like standing at the confluence of 2 rivers where there is virtually no chance of survival yet you cannot blame the confluence...you see if you happen to come across a Narc in your life, just know that you were placed at the confluence by the universe and your job is to find a way out of the maze...and once you do that, you could enable others to do the same. Got that?
Really great conclution :D Inspire or learn right !
No. People don't get it
@@chayo4537 He mean if you can see the narcistic person as a other stream then you dont have to worry because you can pick every day :D :P Easy one :D Peace one love !
Watching your videos & learning to do no contact has brought me a new found freedom & my peace, which I have blissfully experienced since doing that
I have come to realise that I now enjoy my own company
A few close & sincere friends
Revenge doesn't exist in my world now
I am grateful for my life as it is now & that's enough for me to feel happy
Thank you
Only the Lord will judge everything the narsisitic person has ever done in their entire life.
Vengence is mine saith the Lord.
And I am good with that after dealing with a narc for 28 years.
Totally.🙏
there is no lord unfortunately, they get away with everything
Amen
Absolutely. And because of this, I have total peace in my heart and soul. It’s no longer my burden to carry, it’s between them a God ❤️
@@shayshaymann113 totally ...🙏
Thank you Dr. Ramani....I feel that justice is not necessary anymore after years of thought....it is better to just live your best life.
Moving on and enjoying the good that is abundant, making the most of whatever there is and yes, living your best life. That is justice and that is the way forward. There will be more narcissists to contend with so recognizing and navigating becomes a daily practice automatically.
Blessed to have Dr. Ramani during our challenging times ❤️
amen 🙏🏻
Why couldn’t UA-cam and your channel be around 20 years ago? Amazing content. Your videos have helped me immensely. Please never stop doing what your doing ❤️🙏.
Having been around narcissists all my life, I can tell you narcissists get their karma and it’s not pretty. They suffer greatly and left lonely or die of an early age. It’s real! Just forget about them and karma comes.
The narcissist I know is old and wealthy and has a few hangers on. Comfortable and content in a basic way even if still a narcy cold fish. She is oblivious and in denial and always will be (of the damage she did).
I'm a problem solver, and I realized that I needed to decide between revenge and healing. I choose healing. I still feel angry about what my wife has done to me. I can't allow the anger to control me because I rather heal.
I don’t wish vengeance. I just wish the narcissist would acknowledge the truth. I don’t have it in me to pay them back for all the hurt they’ve caused
they know what they did but they will not give you a real apology because they do not care.
@@tnt01 agree. So hard to understand such evil and lack of conscience
@@k60c85 they are wired differently. it is all in the brain (from their trauma). They will never change, they get worse with age. Take care.
@@tnt01 thank you 👍🏻☺️
They simply can't acknowledge the truth because it would shatter their delusional world.
I know this is an old video - but Dr. Ramani, if you *do* see this, thank you for creating truly compassionate content with such deep clinical expertise - a rare combo. Your thoughtfulness in putting so many hours of your life into creating these videos will never be forgotten and is not taken lightly. I'm sorry you've been a victim of this yourself but appreciate your perspective. Thank you.
I need to remember these tips to not let the injustice I experience get to me. Life is not necessarily too short for revenge like most people say, we just need to avoid wasting it on such a petty emotion.
The most comfort I get is remembering the misery the narcissist expressed every time someone else refused to give in to their games. Though I’ll never see the misery I cause them by going no contact, I can certainly imagine how rejected they feel right now.
I'm literally going through this with a jealous neighbor at this very moment. Just hearing u address my exact thought and guilt and self blame, was more than enough to reassure me it's not me and It will pass. After leaving a severe narcissistic relationship of 12 years. I moved above...( my first time meeting a narcissistic female). Which is now my neighbor. I'm so lost on what to do as her harassment just never stops and she is destined to get my neighbors and her boyfriend to hate me. Always..either the victim or the Hero. I don't even know there name, once her boyfriend came around I became a constant target to look bad, cuz she never has her kids and my kids are my world!! Why am I constantly attracting narcissist?!! Ugghhhh. Completely EXHAUSTED
Do your best to ignore her. Don't make eye contact with her anymore. Don't respond to her words unless she says your name. If she yells, say "me? Oh i didn't know you were taking to me. My name is Adam."
Either she introduces herself to you then, or not. Don't smile at her, don't acknowledge her presence. You'll get used to her being just a rando in your background noise. Don't offer her info about your life. If you accidentally get her mail in your box, simply leave it in her box or at her door. All of this applies to her boyfriend as well. When her kids do visit, let your kids know to not engage with those kids- they can say Hi if they're passing each other, but they should say No Thanks if her kids want to play.
Soon enough your neighbor will ignore you too, increasing your peace. You attract them bc you somehow feed some degree of supply to them. So don't. Notice your safe/kind neighbor, and foster those relationships. If she notices your relationship with nice neighbors, good.
I feel I constantly attract Narcissistic people too. I feel your pain.🥰
Same here ...narc neighbors are worse than a partner. It is easier to leave a partner than to find another place to live. Narc neighbours gave me nasty depression
How does one attract them though, if they simply sit there already living in a place? I'm very familiar this whole thing about 'attracting' whatever happens in your life, but come on.. We're not omnipotent. People do what _they_ want. These ideas can be just self blame continued.
Maybe it is meant to lead to us seeing a deeper truth, who knows. Either way, you're not the issue here!
Same exact thing happened to me. A wretched older female narc neighbor. She bullied and harassed me, followed me around, threatened physical violence and threatened to go to my work place and have me fired. After a couple months of being nice to her and explaining that I prefer to keep to myself, I started responding to her with the phrase, "please leave me alone." Nothing worked, I spoke with the building manager who did nothing as they were friends. At the same time, I was being taken advantage of at work and my C-PTSD from the narc was out of control.. Continued to get worse until I had a complete mental break. I quit my job and left my apartment to sleep on the streets. Lost. all my belongings for the 2nd time in 14 months. It's been nearly 3 months on the street. I am a target for abuse and feel it will just never end. I personally can't handle the cruelty of the world anymore. There really needs to be laws about all of these things. If someone wants to be left alone, stating this really should be enough.
"Thier karma is thier life" ..... best words I've heard
I'm in the process of healing and my narc abuse is from my son. So wishing him harm even in the name of justice has not been my path. My strength has come from your videos on how to deal with them, gray rock, extricating myself from the firing line. Time is a great healer. Thanks for your work!!
Imagine your contact with other people stirred constant feelings of envy, disgust, rage, paranoia, fear and some pale version of ever-fleeting superiority. Imagine all that negativity and emptiness is the closest you'd likely get to enjoying ongoing, stable love, a deep appreciation for life and an HONEST appreciation for yourself. NPD is a disorder, a dis-ease, an unsettled state of being. I'm grateful I gravitate toward peace, grateful I have self-insight and a desire to grow. I'm grateful for others who are peace-seeking and caring, with other great qualities.
In a narcissistic relationship "closure" only comes by reevaluating one's own boundaries. Then staying with those boundaries and going total no contact. That in my eyes is closure.
Thank you. You have no idea(or you must) the knowledge you are giving is saving lives. Thank you again
Thank you 🙏 Dr. Ramani! I appreciate your contributions to this subject matter. This…great talking points that all of us who have experienced a marriage to a Cluster B _ BPD - NPD - and so much more (unknowingly), need to radically accept, feel it, heal it, close it, the rebuild themselves. Gratitude!
The Narcissist and The Empath is a battle of the soul!
Stay alert! Stay alive! Stay strong! Peace ✌️!
I don't think there is really justice, but I can find satisfaction in the fact that I am endeavoring to have an honest life, lived with integrity. I don't think people who are living a lie can ever really be happy.
Just let it go and trust that life will handle it. I’ve seen it happen so many times. But holding your breath in the meantime is only torture to self.
3 days ago when you posted this, I found out my 1 year relationship with my “dream man” was all a lie. He is a cop and has a wife at home and had lied the entire time. He even gave me his wife’s phone number in November and told me to block it saying it was an internal affairs investigator with the Sheriff Department . This has affected my children, my parents, my family, and my mental health worst of all. I even started taking antidepressants two months ago because I thought it was ME. Now I’m searching for healing and acceptance as well as grieving the loss of a person who never existed. Thank you for this.
Dr. Ramani, You're doing such great work to help people negotiate through confusing relationships. You've helped me for one, more than I can express here. I thank you for all you do.
Think about someone who is constantly struggling to find the greatest and the latest to fulfill the black hole within. Someone who can’t find contentment long enough to truly enjoy life. Someone who goes through relationship after relationship cheating, demanding, lying, letting people down… and being abandoned because they can’t be good enough to keep a happy and lasting relationship. Imagine going through life being a rude beggar, a liar., a jerk. The revenge is the narcissist him/herself and the miserable and pathetic creatures that they are… and growing old and stupid to their own narcissism and not understanding their own downfalls.
Indifference and no contact hits them on their core. Less contact with no meaningful interaction. For those who can’t fully dissociate from these creatures. Oh and document all illegal stuff they do if any. It may serve well in a court of law.
❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉😂😂😂
This was one of the hardest things to deal with while I was left confused, hurt, betrayed & in the worst pain ever & traumatised my ex Narc husband was on cloud nine with his new supply probably having lots of sex & experiencing new things together & in the honeymoon phase. It was so painful I would obsessively have thoughts about him getting hit by a car or him getting a really bad illness just anything to get some sort of justice or to make it feel fair. How could I be in this much pain when I did nothing wrong & he is happy.
It's been a year of no contact & I realised karma does not always work like that he won't just get hit by a car tomorrow. I still dream of the day he gets his karma but I don't obsess over it because I realised the day he lost someone like me his karma already started whether he realises yet or not it will hit him one day. Also I know he will never ever be happy deep down they are never satisfied or content they can't form healthy bonds with anyone not even their own children. Karma is them waking up & being them everyday.
Thanks for sharing such brilliant wisdom, Doc! I struggle with rumination esp recently with toxic coworkers. Though I cognitively am aware of their tactics and all the concepts you've covered on how to best cope and navigate around their harmful behaviors, I recognize how emotionally triggered and stuck I still get from just dealing with them as it resembles my childhood traumas with toxic family members. I take it a day at a time, moment by moment- if I catch myself ruminating, I have compassion for myself and gently, gradually shift my attention to the present moment. Being able to go on solo travel breaks or even walks outside my home as often as possible really helps me stay grounded, calm and from getting emotionally dystegulated. That and engaging in creative activities, reading, taking care of my needs/ prioritizing what matters to me the most, who I care about and what brings lightness, joy, beauty and wonder into my life. It has taken me a while to realize how much healthier this approach is to living- and that it'll always be a work in progress :)
I knew the only karma I was gonna get, was too sderiously love on myself. Went to the gym, stopped all drinking, (was drinking trying to block out the pain) got new hairstyle, cut out all people he associated with (enablers) because they knew what he had done, Went to meet up groups, found new hobbies, and just got happy. Best karma ever. These people thrive on seeing you fail, they love too see how powerful they are in trying to destroy your life. I caught mine looking happy at something awful that happened to me, That was the end. Now 1 year later Im the best version of myself. They in essence did me a favour. When I saw them and there group (who were also my supposed friends), I looked genuinely happy and radiant, and it was the best feeling ever, the look on them, becuase they could not keep me down and depressed. If you want karma love love love yourself like you have never done before. Good Luck.
Love your story. Living well is the best revenge.
If this helps anyone out here. And firstly thank you Dr Ramani. Your work is an ongoing spring of healing for millions of survivors and many many more to come.
Each time I feel “ an urge to get justice from the hurt of narcissistic people in my life, after acknowledging this feeling. Even staying with it for a bit, then gently, engaging in an activity of self care, ranging from a walk, to coffee in a coffee shop, talking to a loving friend, I will then take one more step towards doing one thing that I am passionate about. So my brain has become programmed to “ every feeling or urge to get justice means it will be followed by an idea of growing my passion and the work I do as a mental health professional. ❤sending love to you and this wonderful community you have created .
This entire message is exactly what I needed as the family scapegoat, as I prepare for sibling Narc to perform smear campaign on my character to his lawyer, over his 21-year-long covetous lusting & entitlement of not getting any cut of our dead mother's insurance money she received when our dad died.
Dr. Ramani, you are saving our hearts, minds, & lives by being God's earth angel, thank you!
Wishing everyone a peaceful, joyful Christmas and Happy New Year 2023 with safe, loving people who cherish you for who you are!
I am the family "escaped-goat" now. 👍
@@jeanetteshawredden5643 OH THANK YOU Jeanette for sharing such a fantastic Overcomer-rephrase word!!!
I'm definitely an ESCAPED GOAT, hahahaha -- thank you a million times over, because now I'm going to keep an eye out for a miniature goat figurine that I can tie a cut piece of twine thread around its neck, to remind myself how I was forced to cut myself free!!!
Edit-- I bought a little black sheep at a Thrift store from Precious Moments company, to remind myself that although my bitter Narc mother went on a smear campaign of my character to the family, I'm still a PRECIOUS "black sheep" who Jesus scooped up and brought into His fold of Overcomers, to wash me "white as snow" with God's mercy, grace, & compassion....... helping me feel genuine pity for my narc brother whose bitter vengefulness was exacerbated by opiate addiction and has literally physically transformed his body into a hunched, skeletonized, toothless Golem full of spiteful vengeance, whose cycles of sweetness & meanness cannot be trusted -- exactly like Golem's appearance & behavior in L.O.T.R.
My parents and sibling are all narcissists and enablers of each others narcissism. After listening to this video I can finally free myself of guilt for not participating more in their lives nor do I have to feel responsible for caring for my parents in their old age. My sister can no longer guilt me for being a “bad sister” for refusing to be her punching bag and my parents cannot guilt me into it anymore either. Thank you for this amazing work that you do. No one has ever painted such a complete picture of my life before. And most of the therapists I have seen have gaslighted me as well saying that my anger isn’t real and that my family did their best and I should forgive people more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙏
My life was the same, but now we are educated and strong. ❤
The most difficuot thing I had to do is to distance myself from my parents. I am the only one in the family who does this. So it makes me look like the crazy one. “How dare I do this?” They keep on playing the victim card and tell lies about me whenever they get the change. Put my words completely out ot context. Society and culturally a child is not allowed to do this, because we are taught to always have respect for your parents.
Nowadays I tell people: Parents should respecr their children. I found more inner peace and grounding since I cut them out of my life. They never hit me of abused me physically of sexually. But…never underestimate emotional and mentally abuse.
Sounds exactly like my family. I'm working on accepting the fact that they have succeeded in convincing pretty much everyone in my large extended family that I am the problem and there's nothing I can do about it.
Actually, I'd like to see Dr. Ramani do a vid on this: Why does everybody believe the narcissist no matter how improbable or outright impossible their story is?
Self preservation. I did this years ago. And have received many negative, judgmental misunderstood and unaccpeting responses from people over the years who learn of my stepping away from what hurt me so.
However, that's OK after all because I know what I am doing and they will either respect my choice or they won't, either way doesn't affect me.
Dr. Ramani, you are a most caring, empathetic, delightful and charming woman. I just love the person you are . Thank you for the wonderful work you do, it really matters. It helps people, it helps ME.. I'm a survivor and I'm going on, thank you for letting me know that's enough. They say living well is the best revenge. I love hearing and then getting to focus on not wanting revenge. These poor souls do have to live in their own shoes and that's a sad place to be.
I've been watching Dr Ramani's videos for some time and find them helpful. However, one major criticism for me is that she always assumes that the narcissist wants the relationship to continue and that the narcissist's victim is the one that has made or has to make the decision to leave. Yet, in my experience with narcs (direct and indirect), in just as many cases, it's the narcissist who exits the relationship and it's the victim who wants it to continue. I'd really like Dr Ramani to do some videos that help people whom the narcissist has left/dumped/discarded.
I've been going through this experience too. He used me and cheated on me then dumped me. He does try to keep me hanging by a thread because his new relationship didn't work but it's over. He left me for my ex friend who he had a 4 year affair with. If that worked out I never would have seen or heard from him again. He just doesn't respond to calls or texts and I don't see him unless he comes to my house so that's how it's going to be. It's really hard to deal with and it is so unfair. I'm not sure there's anything that can make it any easier on us but time and healing.
She talks about this al the time when you be discarded doesn’t matter if he left you or you left them…. In both situations they want you back but not for love but. For who to see if they still have access to you….
Pity was the key that opened the door to freedom for me. Realizing that they are never going to know what real love feels like is sad enough for me. But I've learned to love myself enough not to let them take me with em
I remember having a conversation with my Mom about feeling bad because bad people still get ahead and don't seem to suffer any consciences and she said "Ah yes, but they do, and will; you may not witness it but eventually everything will catch up to them. And they won't be able to live with themselves. If you remain a good person, you will be able to live with your own conscious. And having nothing to hide is the gift of G-d." People that don't do right don't usually live well later on; especially when everything falls back on them.
Mom knows what she’s talking about; mine tells me the same thing lol
Truth! G-d numbers our tears. He will vindicate and restore us!
@@macelvee yes, yes :-)
@@MaroonRose3216 lol :-)
I believe this too. I don’t spend time hating my ex even though he certainly deserves it. I know how hard it is to be him with his demons. He list the respect of his exes, his family, and even his children. They put up with him but talk ill of him behind his back. This new woman he left me for is bleeding him dry while no one in his life likes her. I am happy and at peace. I educate other women now about these types of relationships and have been blessed.
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I keep jumping back and forward between acceptance and injustice. The yo-yoing between these two is causing me great turmoil because one minute I feel I have taken big steps to heal but then the injustice comes back because something or someone triggers me and I feel right back at the start of despair. I find all I can do to carry on is to educate myself as much as possible about the whole subject because the knowledge shows me that I am not wrong and crazy and can trust my own judgement. I hope that one day, I can support others through what I am going through because it’s sure one very lonely road to be on.
They get judged in the end, even if we don't see it but they will be judged for eternity.
their worlds get smaller and smaller. they fade away like fatrz inda wynde.
For the wicked are reserved for the day of doom; They shall be brought out on the day of wrath. Job 21:30
@@reesedaniel5835 idk why most people who call themselves Christians only focus on the lovey dovey stuff. The Gospel is the most important, I believe. However, we know Jesus Christ was following the first five books of the Bible and most definitely the Psalms, Proverbs, books of Job, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Isiah etc.
Most people do not follow the Gospel, so this is where the law is necessary. Christ was taught 'Do not do unto others what you find distasteful within yourself.' Much stronger than the other which leads to the blind leading the blind and can seem like offering the throat to the parasite and the vulture.
i love when we get long videos !! pairs perfectly with my morning coffee
Thank you as always Dr.Ramani💪🏾💗 for your daily dose of clear words of wisdom that's kept me sane. Living your life well is true revenge & know that they will def. get judged for eternity as God says "Revenge is his"
One thing I learned in my 58 years of life is that the humble people are well educated and are well respected in their attitudes and beliefs and the ability to make decisions about their lives and appreciated language in all aspects of their lives. They are the best educated people to do this process with like minded people who are well trained. Thanks. Amen.
What takes a toll on me is why the heck can't they just let you be? I thought after 6 months of no contact with parents, they'll leave me alone, but no, their first message was' I don't know what you think about us' followed by ' we sincerely love you' with sincerely in capital letters; BS; this ' sincere' word means nothing to them
That's classic hoovering. They always "love" us when we pull away from them. 😉
Same. My parents sexually abused me at a very young age to make me into an occult leader. There is a point I am reaching where I'm realizing the on
The only thing they can do is creep me out. If you continue to push through no contact, there is a point where they just become annoyances. I realize they can never change me no matter what terrible things come my way because of them, so I am not so afraid anymore. But it comes with time and determination and choosing to love those around you in ways they never taught you.
Not sure you’ll ever understand or could possibly comprehend how much your videos have helped people. I’ve watched so many and can’t tell you the difference it’s made in my life, well being, and growth to have a happy marriage and kids that will NEVER go through what many have.❤
And it’s not only financial but multi transactional in other ways. Wanting and if possible taking what you have and if they can’t have what you have they will want to destroy it!
Oh yes.....
Indifference is a great place to be. It’s difficult to get there but it is worth it when you get there.