Men...DOING THIS = more SEX and less FIGHTING with your wife.
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- Опубліковано 18 сер 2022
- All men want less fighting and more sex in their marriage, few have a plan on how to get it. We all want a better marriage, but few of us are willing to put in the work in the connection or intimacy or trust or emotional intelligence department. We have to understand that marriages require certain things from us. Prioritizing closeness and intimacy aren't optional if we actually want a great marriage, they are essential. Whether we are good at them or not, our marriage demands we learn. Great marriages aren't an accident. They are built on friendship and commitment and consideration and healthy communication.
#marriageadvice #communication #sex
It's hard to desire someone who constantly gets defensive when you try to explain how their behaviour makes you feel.
That’s absolutely a desire killer :(
Louder for the guys in the back!! 😂 🎉
Each time you dismiss your wife's feelings, you are actively making the bedroom a less safe & secure place. Keep on digging that hole.
Amen🙏 you are spot on
As a man who has defended himself often, I can tell you ladies that my reaction comes from a place of deep hurt and fear. When I feel like I am doing everything I know how, and I am told it's not enough, it scares me to my very core. I will either ignore the statement (foolishly hoping it will go away), try to explain why my wife's feeling are wrong, or defend the behavior. None of these are healthy or helpful!
But when my core wounding is triggered (deep wounds such as I'm not good enough, I will be rejected, or I am bad) I instantly go into Fight/Flight/Freeze mode. When this happens my IQ drops by 20 points and I react as though I am battling for my very life, even though that is not the case.
I think it's easy for wives to think men are unfeeling, but I believe, for the most part, we are only good at projecting this because it acts as a shield to the uncomfortable feelings deep inside of us we want nothing to do with.
I am in no way saying that you ladies should not bring up complaints you have for your husbands. To do otherwise is actually dishonest and will only lead to resentment. But what I am saying is that you can probably make your point without pointing the finger and saying "You are failing!"
Us "I" statements. Make it about you. Not about your husband. For example "I felt really hurt when you ignored me at the party last night. I felt all alone and rejected." It's a lot harder to defend ourselves when it's a statement like that, instead of "You were a jerk last night!".
Anyway, I hope this gives you some understanding from a man's point of view, and I hope you'll try a new approach with your husbands in the future and get different results.
@@EsseQuamVideriSe7en We know you guys are scared to be vulnerable, that's what we've been telling you all all along. Too much ego, not enough listening. Women, contrary to popular belief, also want and need respect... And emotional intelligence.
My husband was willing and he watched the whole video with me tonight. He said you made a lot of good points. We had a real good talk we cried together and now this is a start to improve our marriage. Thank you for doing good out of what you and your wife went through. I am so glad God put your video in my pathway. God bless You and Your wife. Thx for this ministry. Your helping us all. ❤️❤️
I can't begin to describe how much this fills my heart. Thank you for this. Literally all I pray is that somehow these videos will lead to some reconnection somehow, and I truly hope your marriage only gets stronger from here. ❤❤
Thank you for all the shared insight and the way you made it clear for everybody to rethink what we bring into our relationship and what we expert. You should definetly offer mariage courses before marriage and after... 😊
Thank you. May God bless your marriage !
Wow!!! Wow!!! Nailed it! 😢
Thank you for these videos!
So did you file for divorce or what?
I hope things in your relationship got better for you and if they didn't, then at least you tried. 🌸
"Pride rarely apologizes." This got me.
Last time I apologized in a relationship she ended up losing respect for and leaving me
@nicme , there could be.many various.reasons for no apologizing depending on lots of diff factors.it would be foolish to judge it as that unless u know the person well
Creating a space a woman can feel safe and vulnerable is a big deal. If a man makes a safe space it shows he values her.
Yeah; any level of physical intimacy involves lowering your guard, and it's difficult to do that when you don't feel safe.
@@NavaSDMB Yeah, depending on just how unsafe you feel, it can almost feel violating to have sex even if you consent to it. I wish more men knew this, it is so important.
@@limeylemon1685 And sometimes you consent to sex but not to certain types, or to certain activities. And "you'll get used to it" is not an appropriate response to "please don't do that, it hurts".
@@NavaSDMBhow do we create this safety? I need to hear this from a normal woman because UA-camrs dance around it.
My wife can't or won't explain. I want to do it but I need more examples of how. Is it only when she comes to me with a complaint or concern that I just don't invalidate? I feel like I already do it but it doesn't make a difference.
@@kevinkerns88 I feel safe when I'm with people who I know will listen to what I say.
When I'm with people who are likely to come up with "you are weird..." "how can you like _that..."_ or whose eyes will glaze over if I say anything with actual meaning, I don't feel endangered but I also don't feel like I can express myself.
And yeah, definitely unsafe when I'm with people who invalidate.
I'm the sister-in-law whisperer: there have been times I've been able to interpret some really, really obscure thing one of my SiLs were saying, translating it for my brother / her husband. But if I didn't spend as much time as I do deciphering my SiLs I wouldn't have been able to do it. They reject those parts of me they find strange, I analyze those parts of them I find alien.
You're already saying that you don't understand her. She may think she's being perfectly clear, it's not that SHE doesn't explain but that YOU don't hear; from your point of view SHE is just not being clear. Sounds to me like the kind of situation where a third party can be really helpful to improve communication. My best wishes with that.
I literally had tears by the end of this video. Trying to explain to my husband that meeting my basic emotional needs is level zero, the bare minimum and he still doesn’t get it. Definitely hit home.
:( I’m sorry Danielle. I know you just want closeness with the man you love. That’s not asking too much
So ... how are things eight months later?
I had one of those guys too. Eventually, I was sinking into depression and had to make the heartbreaking decision to leave. He would not hear my voice. He would not recognize, or even acknowledge how damaging his behavior and attitude were towards me. He acted as if I was a piece of furniture.
I seek a partnership of deep mutual respect, affection and compassion. I am worthy of that, and God will help me to find it. I closed that past door in order for the future door to be able to open up. I wish you piece and a better future❤
@@susanparker9877 I hope you don't mind me asking; how does such a relationship come to be? Is the emotional unavailability and coldness of these guys completely hidden at the beginning?
@@francookie9353 Yes, it is. They are complete frauds.
One of the best videos on how to be a husband.
It’s sad that the comments I read are from women. It tells me that men aren’t watching them, it’s the hurt women who are seeking some sort of answer.
I admit, I watched this video because my wife pointed me to you, so thank God for that.
From here I will continue to absorb the words you are saying in an effort to learn how to be the husband my wife needs.
I would be really interested in the path you took from discovery of the affair to where you are now. I assume it wasn’t a light switch that just turned on one day.
I’m so sorry YT didn’t alert me of this comment until now. I’m really proud of your humility and accountability. Please don’t think I think it’s all your fault or that you hold all the blame. You’re right, it wasn’t a light bulb, it was a slow but necessary process of learning everything a relationship needs to heal and then thrive :)
❤❤❤
yeah because it's RARE a man actually cares about someone other than himself.
You are so right. That's exactly why I'm here.
It's up to women to enforce their standards on males. Males aren't going to do these things on their own, sadly. It's up to us to parent our husbands. Time for a divorce, ladies.
I actually once said this to my ex (while we were married),”threatening me and manhandling our (3yo!) son is NOT good foreplay!”
That sounds like a nightmare. Happy for you that you escaped them.
😮😮😮 seriously
While I’m not religious, I do enjoy how you quote scripture in healthy and productive ways rather than manipulative like many people do. I really enjoy how raw and honest you are and your advice resonates with me in my relationship so much.
I'm religious, but not Christian, and I feel the same! It's so lovely seeing Christianity used as I believe the major religions were always meant to be used: as a powerful force that helps uplift people and guide them to be better, kinder, more empathetic individuals. There's so much toxic "Christianity" going around that I hurt for my Christian family and friends for whom the religion has really, seriously improved their lives. It's a relief to see it being used as the force for good I know it can be.
I'm not married or even looking to be in a relationship any time soon but can't stop watching these videos! They are fantastic! I don't think I've ever met a man with as high a level of emotional intelligence and self awareness as you appear to have. I am also not Christian but love hearing you quote scripture. Words of wisdom! Great work, thank you for your courage
Men need to share your videos with other men. If women share them it's automatically seen as us having an "agenda." They need to take it upon themselves to pay attention to your guidance.
No because this doesnt work in most cases. Men try this stuff and they get put through the meatgrinder for it.
If the stuff he advocates was what women responded to, it would be policy among men to behave that way. Men aren't complete retards they see their honest effort to be loving goes completely unappreciated if he isnt bringing extra to the table, so he focuses on other things because he realizes he will not be loved the way he needs so he has 0 incentive to give you the extra you claim is actually the meat of the relationship when its not. Theres so many good men who end up alone yet women like you are in large masses crying that your husbands treat you like crap. Its beyond pathetic.
Exactly. My husband wouldn’t get past the title and would then get defensive and hurt that I would even suggest the video to him; ending up in an argument about how selfish I am
@@redotter4608 sounds like he has a point. when was the last time you thought about him and not only yourself? Whens the last time you listened to him before you expect him to jump through your hoops? Also he knows doing what you want wont mean anything to you anyway. Choreplay doesn make women horny, lots have tried, all have failed.
Ummm, no, guys. She doesn’t want your “help” with all those endless household chores that make the home you share livable. She wants you to be an adult partner, not an incapable child. All. The. Time. The chores aren’t going away just because you ignore them. You live there, don’t you? They are your chores too.
Here’s another thing that most guys don’t understand. Women are hardwired to NOT be sexually attracted to the people they take care of. Those people are usually her own children but nature doesn’t differentiate in this matter. This is not a mere intellectual hypothesis; it’s a biological fact. Regardless of whatever level of exhaustion a woman might experience from the burden of housework, when you force your loving partner into a caregiving role, you are messing with her hormones and, in turn, causing yourself to not get laid.
Women are hard-wired not to be s€xually attracted to people they take care of...
LOVE THAT.
Preach!
*Bingo.* Nothing turns me off more than a man who is trying to live as my child. My ovaries turn off.
It's all about the pheromones research the studies... If she's on the pill. Her pheromones are not primed for sexual intimacy. If you don't exercise and have a great diet. The man's pheromones will be off as well. Thus leading to you an unharmonous relationship...
Wow this is so true thank you for saying this i was even thinking of starting medication to increase my sex drive i havnt been able to figure out why until now. I feel like im a carer not a wife its like careing for a child i love him endlesly but this is the reason i never feel like sex i dont see him as a sexual partner.
Yep I'm guilty of everything you said. I have refused to be accountable for my actions. And she has told me where I need improvement and needing more empathy. Yes I don't like humiliation of my actions. And when I do hold myself accountable she doesn't believe me, and I have killed my marriage but I'm still in it and trying to improve myself and trying to be selfless.
Clint this humility is extremely impressive. I hear a lot of accountability here. We all have things to improve upon and I really hope you guys find a way to repair and reconnect.
The fact that you came here and publicly commented is a huge step. Keep it up, as a wife I would appreciate accountability from my husband if this was his comment. Actions do speak louder than words though! You got this!
Yay!!! That's awesome.
Simp advice
@@darthraider2050so, how long have you been in a happy, loving relationship?
Im so blessed that my husband has a true servants heart. He noticed that I've been paralyzed and overwhelmed trying to keep up with laundry and the dishes on top of our three young children. He did several loads of laundry for me and did the dishes while I sat with our infant daughter and got to relax. It was a HUGE load off my mind and also one of the sexiest things he could have done.
That's fair enough. However. The man needs sex.
@hopeb555
now that's foreplay
I wonder what I’m doing wrong then, my career gives me 3/4 days off a week if I want it and I’m doing all the stuff for the twin 4 year olds and keeping up with the house and bills.
He did not do laundry FOR you. He did laundry, and dishes.
In his family's home, which he lives in.
@hopeb555
what it really is is AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE AND COMMITTMENT. THE KIND OF LOVE WE ALL WANT AND NEED. He WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR NEEDS AND TO U.
I love listening to you, this is amazing info. I was so fortunate to be married to the most unselfish man I have ever known. He was funny and attentive and wanted me to be happy. When we had disagreements he would apologize first. I had so many people tell me they wish they had a marriage like ours. We were together 42 years until he was taken suddenly from me in an accident. He was only 67. It’s been almost 7 years and all I want everyday is for him to walk through the door and call out my name like he used to do. We have 5 children, 17 grands and now 3 great grands. 😢
Oh wow! That’s a lot of descendants 😊 so sorry for your loss
When your wife says "we need to talk"...and has the courtesy to ask you to choose a good time for you for the conversation, don't wait for her to bring it up again.
Be proactive.
Gather yourself, and go to her with an open mind and heart, and have that conversation.
When you wait for her to "nag" you, she's waiting for you to care enough to step up and be willing.
Everytime you don't step up, we take that as an indication that you do not care.
So don't be surprised when she runs out of gas.
Amen. We can only open up that door so many times. If he keeps closing it we eventually run out of interest in putting any further effort into it
How does this comment not have more likes?! Straight facts!
As a teenager, I was so irritated with my mom’s nagging. As a wife, I now realize that there wouldn’t have been any nagging if I had actually done the things I was asked to do. The problem wasn’t my mom; it was my selfish heart.
I have to say this guy is a breath of fresh air in the advice world.
I'm in mid-life and divorced 7 years. I've starte dating again and this content is what I will use to vet men so I don't make another mistake by marrying a guy who doesn't get these critical relational skills. Thanks for making this content accessible and relatable.
I'm sorry for the pain you experienced in marriage Darla. Thank you for the kind words, and I'm very excited about your next relationship =)
Sounds like you are trying to find a perfect person. Good luck, they don't exist.
@hoochrocks why are you here, then? Yes. No one is perfect but these things are simple to fulfill.
@@hoochrockswhen see flaws in others, sometimes it’s what we need to see in our selves
@@hoochrocks typical male. excuses
I am a believer that spouses should thank each other for their hard work but I also think saying “I work and take out the trash” is not enough. You’d still do that if you were single. Do better for the love of your life.
Plus, often wives work too.
We were married 3 yrs, both worked and raising 2 yr old son. She started the "you need to do more arguement. So we came to an agreement. For one summer we would totally swap chores...and do those chores as we each fit.
I took son out of expensive daycare and to my parents before work. Pick him up after, went to grocery when needed. I didn't go shopping for new clothes or shoes though. Got home did laundry, when needed, cleaned house...dust, vacuum and bathrooms, when needed, while son napped. Watched a little tv. After his nap I spent time with son.
Wife went to work, came home, took out trash. Cut grass, cleaned yard, tended the "now mine garden and flower beds. Washed and cleaned out both cars once a weak. Took both cars to refuel them for next weeks use. Went to hardware store to get veggie/flower food for "my garden" and anything that was needed to repair/maintain the house. When she was done with chores...she started dinner and fed our son while I took the nightly "I need to release some stress hot bath" before helping her finish making dinner.
After dinner she cleaned kitchen, ran dishwasher, took trash and recyclables to garage, exercised and fed the dog. She didnt around to doing any repairs on house that was needed.
I bathed son put on his jammies and played with him while watching some tv.
She then played with our son for about an hour and before I said "it's getting late" and him to bed. And we call it a day and went to bed.
I didnt get to tell her "no" to sex because she ask for it or try to get me to want it too. (We only swapped chores, not attitudes) Friday night I did want sex but she was "too tired tonight" and I bitched about not getting her attention and feeling unattractive to her.
It lasted THREE WEEKS!!! Three weeks to my previous THREE YEARS!!! She was "exhausted" and wanted to swap the chores back to the way it was!
So we did...everything back to normal...sort of. She put son back in expensive daycare. Bought new outfits, but mostly the ones I WANTED to SEE her wear when possible (I still thought she was beautiful and sexy) and shoes...but I "MADE" her donate unworn clothes and shoes. She had to refeul her own car with "her" money and kept it somewhat cleane inside.
I also reduced "her flowers/beds by half and tilled up part of the excessive garden.
And I got more sex, more often, without having to ask as often. And it was better sex! For about 6 months..
Three years later she filed for divorce...she "wanted and needed 'more." Nevermind what it cost me, you all know about alimony and child support already.
I was 29. I didn't remarry until I was almost 51. I'm 58 now, my wife of 7 yrs is 42. We have no children besides my now 32 yr old son
My ex-wife? 3 daughters by 2 daddies and on her FIFTH husband now. She never could stop wanting "more" I guess...
@@1twistedcpl6575thank you for your comment.
My wife and I have been having problems for a good stretch. High School Sweethearts. Our relationship used to be easy and as life got harder, our relationship has strained. I'm trying to be a good husband and father while in the midst of my own mental health crisis. I've felt lost for so long. I am talking with a therapist and trying to get my anxiety under control. I just hope that it's not too late. There are good men out there, we're just different from to where communication is our strongest glue and when that fails, so does the relationship.
When my husband defended himself by saying he went to work all day to support the family, I said, you would go to work all day if you were single! It isn't something you are doing for me or the marriage if you would do it anyway as a single person.
Exactly the conversation I have. He takes out the trash and acts like he should have a ticker tape parade but the thousand things a day that I do are treated as expected.
Damn you would do house chores too when single, what type of argument is that?
@@vaevictis2789 But so would he, so he can help with chores because he would be doing them if he lived alone anyway.
@@godpilled9077 sure, thats works for double income families. You can split everything 50/50 or divide by what both of partners are more comfortable/effective with. In my relationship i go for groceries and cook, gf do the laundry, everything else is divided
@@godpilled9077 what i mean is if you want appreciation for your work you need to appreciate your partners work too. "He would work wnen single too" sounds as incosiderate and condescending as "she would cook and clean alone when single too". What we often forget is people drops out of our mental focus when they are not around, we dont really experience what they are going through while they are away. Wife thinks husband is just chilling and chatting with his colleages on his work as he would if he was single and thats why its not an effort for relationship. Husband think wife just swept floors for a couple of minutes and chilling on sofa thats why her demands of help is straight up insulting to his hard work. Both parties often dont understand that married man work more hours, take more difficult projects and pour more effort in his job in hopes for promotion so his family will be more financially secure, while wife does much more chores cause its more people in household and she pour more effort in cooking and cleaning because she want to create a more comfortable enviroment for her family. It is statistically proven than married men work more hours and tend to takes more jobs than single men, its also proven that married women works more hours in chores that single women. Its not enough to just tell your spouse "im working hard" to them feel exactly how hard you work. We need to put each other through our experience first to expect true empathy and appreciation. Its not because people are egoistic, its just in our nature really. When you are watching a film and director want you to emphathize with character, they show you scene where character goes through struggle themself, not just telling other character "damn i just saved the world but lost my loved one behind the scenes, its was so exhausting and hard dear God" for exact same reason. You two need to reconnect in your everyday experiences first and then ask for help and empathy. I know for a fact my partner knows shit about chore i occupied myself completely (cooking) but i dont hold it against her because i dont need help really. I wont say "how you dont know how to do x or where to get y, you watched me doing this hundreds of times" because i know she wasnt mentally invested in what i was doing. I know she will ask same questions about what am doing and why and than forget what i said just in a week so she can ask me that question again cause it isnt crucial information for her and she doesn't use it in her everyday life. Hell, she is still hesitant of how to distinguish raw pork and raw beef by its look. It is expectable and not her fault, the only real question is do i want to change this or not. Im not right now, but if would want to change, Id know for sure that just telling about how hard it is wont help, i need to include her in my work. But thats rise another question about is it fair from me to demand more effort and work from her? Right know i dont want to put more work on her at all cause she contribute more than enough already, thats why im completely fine with it in the first place. But i every relationship is different and every effort split is also different so you might be completely in your right to be frustrated and wanting help from your husband. Im just saying that words about how are you tired are not the most effective way, and inconsideration for his work is not a good way either.
You are the best ralationship coach i have ever listened to. I never thought men like you would exist. You are really understand women. Never stop doing your job !!!!👍👍👍👍👍
Jimmy, I thank God there are Christian husbands out there setting godly examples like you. Thank you for all the videos you do to serve others.
Thanks for the great advice! If people listen, this will go a long way to help marriages thrive. God bless y’all!
Can we also recognize that women are socialized to serve and to think about men... It's not that they naturally want to be that way. As a society, we are socialized to be aware of what the men around us want and to serve. Men have not had this from infancy.
This is so true
@@JimmyonRelationships particularly in complimentarian, Christian, evangelical spaces that encourage men to not be challenged and tell women they should never say no to their husbands.
We aren't just socialized to cater to males, they will become violent if we don't. We live under the threat of male violence constantly if we don't give them what they want.
Kind of. Women are biologically hardwired to be nurturers. We are natural givers. Society though can take that natural inclination and make it toxic.
Yep. I’m a woman but naturally have always been more self serving. Had to really work on myself to not be a dick.
Thank you for the confirmation. A relationship REQUIRES. I've been saying this for years. I recently came across this quote (Idk who said it): "When she doesn't feel close to you, she will be closed to you." You sum this up perfectly. Tame egopride, own all your parts, listen to understand, reflect honestly and be honest, resolve & rebuilt gently, relearn lovingly. Then the magic happens. OR learn the lesson and release her with love. She's someone else blessing.
My husband listened to this audiobook w/me (Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life) & it really helped him understand the female mood (breaks & accelerator) “….the brain can handle only a limited amount of information at a time; at its simplest, we can think of stress as information overload, so when there's too much happening, the brain starts to triage, prioritizing, simplifying, & even plain old ignoring some things.”
It's in her natural nature to want to please you?
It's in anyone's natural nature to want to do that. A lot of men are suppressing that. This means they are hurting inside, and can be emotionally stunted.
Emotionally healthy people will all want to contribute to the happiness of the people around them. Especially their spouse.
It’s actually not been “bred” into guys as much. Women were the ones expected to be submissive or used as bargaining chips throughout history. I will say that in the current climate, hierarchies are developed differently amongst women and men. Women learn the skills of at least interpreting the emotional state of those around them and anticipating needs while men learn to be direct and use physical aggression to address conflict and establish pecking order. It does not mean they lack emotions bit that they are immature, in the sense that they are not able to identify the emotion and express it.
Thank you Jimmy! I’m so grateful I found your videos. My marriage has always been a struggle. Going on 24 years of a tough relationship. I have a hard time explaining to him the pain I feel from his emotion abuse. Your videos have helped me clarify and identify what I need. God bless you!
This means so much to me Susan. I'm so sorry for the pain you have felt over such a long time. I can't imagine how difficult that has been. Praying for healing for you.
This... thanks for not only putting what I have experienced, into words (not just my "feelings "), but also revealing that responses and behaviors that my husband has, were sadly typical. For too long, I believed that it was just my marriage.
We are ships passing in the night now. We talk about separating all the time. It's especially awesome seeing the cat get all the cuddles, love and attention before me, well I get none now anyway. I stopped asking for what I need from him years ago. And I've faded away from him and just keep to myself. Yet he still complains he gets no sex! His entitlement is remarkable!
This video and all your videos would fix everything. But I feel it's too late. I see another life for me not in this relationship, and really, what choice do I have. And my heart is absolutely broken. I miss my husband so much 💔
My heart absolutely breaks for you Julianna. That's such a hard spot to be. I'm here for you. You're not even sure if deep down you want to do the work needed to save this relationship because you're afraid that once again they just won't reciprocate and your vulnerability will just be punished or neglected like it always has. It's so hard. 😞 I wish I could help somehow. If you decide it's worth another shot, I'm sure you've tried/thought about counseling right? I totally understand how overwhelming and difficult even that process is.
@@JimmyonRelationships we went to counseling once and he won't go back. Said it's not for him. I still ask on a regular basis to go back to counseling. He has excuse after excuse. So I'm just navigating my depression, trying to keep pushing through my life. One day at a time.
@@Julianna-eo8no That's so hard =( I hope you are still able to talk to someone professionally just to process everything. I just want the best for you
@@JimmyonRelationships I appreciate that. I am doing ok. I have had lots of therapy, I recognize when I get stuck in thinking traps. I do my best to keep ahead of it, but sometimes you are just sad. To be expected. I have an amazing support system of girlfriends. Thank you for your content. It's so important because it's so bang on.
Please don’t forget to help everyone understand when things are bad, it takes a long time to get that tank full. And trust lost takes much longer than to gain trust the first time. 🤷♀️ My husband thinks one day and every thing should be perfect again.
It’s also harder when you feel like they are only doing it to get something in return rather than actually feeling like they should change.
Thank you! Also, it's not called "help" it's doing things together.
I've been on this road for almost two years. I am well aware of the things you mentioned and am learning to apply them in my life. I don't get it right more often every day. I stopped guilt tripping her when i didn't get what I wanted or when her schedule inconvenienced me. I made it my mission to inconvenience myself to make her life easier and less stressful. She doesn't have her desire back yet but she is willing to meet my needs in spite of that. At least there's that.
Love SO MUCH that you gave the plan of salvation smack dab in the middle of your message. Thank you. I'm truly blessed and truly grateful my hubby and I agree that an attitude of "each trying to outgive the other" is one of the fundamental principles of successful marriages. Build your relationship on Christ and His example of love for His bride, the Church, and that relationship will be blessed.
When I told my husband that it was really hard to desire him when he spends the day chastising me or being obnoxious or ignoring me, or the week solely focused on work and complaining, because I cannot feel close and I need that to have bedroom fun time, he says I’m just blaming him and turns into the victim. Not to mention the fact that my body puts the kibosh on it every now and again, menopause, exhaustion, knee problems, and he acts like I’m doing it to him on purpose, inconveniencing him. It takes two to make it work.
Or in my earlier married years when I'd have terrible periods and he would pout that "he can't have sex". What?!
For me it is always the more primal attraction. When he goes onto the roof to fix things- I’m to afraid to do that. When he chainsaws a tree. When he builds me a garden. When he shoots and cleans a deer. When he fishes with my kids.
When I see him being a great father it is the number one turn on.
When he is a provider of things I cannot do- such as going on the roof or building a garden Or chainsaw a tree, that’s my second.
Third is when he listens without trying to fix- even if he doesn’t understand… when he just listens to me.
I say- ASK your WIFE!!! Ask her! Everyone is different!!!!!!!!
No wonder you feel attracted. My ex would do absolutely none of that ever except the playing with our son. Only the fun stuff. Never the unpleasant or physically demanding. He wouldn't even mow. Claimed it made him sneeze. Well ya...me too but someone had to do it.
A lot of women drop her man these days when she realizes she's a bigger man than he is.
Thank you, it resonates with me, I admit, that I really do some of those negative things you said towards my wife. Admitting those things gives me a some kind of relief and hope for a better marriage. Working on myself is a very important part of my life, but I see now, that I need to put this work into a context of my marriage.
My husband, now 55, decided he was retiring early over 4 yrs ago. He's 3 months younger than me. I go to work every day. He works on his projects. When I come home, he's ready to sit down and I still have all my stuff to do. He had never asked how i feel about any of this. He shows me every evening what all he's done. I feel frustrated but try to show my approval/thanks of what he's done. He never thanks me or acts appreciated for working.
Thank you! I hope my husband will watch this video with me. This is exactly what I need from him.
I love how you said men should intentionally serve their wives in the bedroom. Thsts brilliant because it would definitely lead to her wanting more!!!
It might be a good start but being a sexual champion is still for nothing if there is no emotional connection. I make my wife the absolute focus. Her pleasure means more to me than my own. But because I have made her feel emotionally bankrupt it doesn't matter how many times she orgasms. This video really points out how to attain that emotional connection.
I'm not married but I appreciate that you are having this content for men, especially since the common response is that people don't want to put in the work or even be in committed relationship, married or not yet.....
Males don't view this content.
OH. MY. GOODNESS! You are absolutely just jaw-droppingly amazing!! Every single thing you talked about that men don’t do that they’re supposed to do, and all the wrong things they do literally spell my husband’s name. He’s the embodiment of ALL that’s bad, and yet he’s completely blind about himself. He’s so delusional that he actually told me he’s basically “a saint of a husband.” Problem is even if he watched this video, he’d literally say that he’s not the inadequate that does any of those destructive things to destroy our marriage. He’d just do this “twist” thing where he distorts the truth to fit the “made-up, fake image of who he really is. There are no one that can possibly change his perception of himself. I’ve poured my heart out to him about how I feel and what needs to be done, but he continues his chronic dismissal of anything I say and do, while putting all the blame for his toxic behaviors on me. He always says I caused all the problems and that he’s “given his all.” OMG, he does absolutely nothing but watches TV when he isn’t working and treats me like I don’t even exist. What a “saint of a husband, “ huh? How lucky am I!
That is the definition of narcissist. It will never change. They don't get better. Watch Dr Ramani on that on youtube. Very helpful.
This the best best best dissertation I’ve watched on marriage in the last 10 years. Ok. Ever. No Gottman, no Esther Perrel, no any other podcaster has summarized my last 10 years of therapy as well you did right now. I wish my husband would have gotten all this in our marriage. I begged. Pleaded. Asked. Suggested. Requested. Supplicated. Hinted. Discussed. Explained. And no results. He’d rather stay clueless than face the things I begged for. Yeah. Radical acceptance on my part that he’ll never really “really” change. He’ll modify his behavior for a while to “apeace” me. To check the checklist. But not to make the internal change of heart. And that’s ok. I am not in the business of changing anyone. But I do have choice of where and hire I spend the rest of my life. Thank you for hitting the nail 100% on the head for me. I feel so validated. Thank you.
marce..: I think there could be more cooperation if you sat down every other month or so to just chat about the two of you and if there is something about his behavior that you think needs tweaking offer him the same. Tell him you'll tweak something you're doing of his choice, also.
@@chrisd9759no, she described a narcissist and they never change.
Shari: absolutely agree that a narcissist won't change. But if he isn't ... Checking in with each other is good. I haven't known too many couples who do that or succeed at it. There's where the "hard work" comes in.
My husband didn't wake up until I hired the lawyer. Alotof men don't take women seriously enough -- at least the baby boomers haven't. This young man hits the nail on the head, doesn't he?!
I would like to include having the power is being able to leave whenever without “asking” because the kids are perceived as mostly the women’s responsibility. Or being able to go and do something without the kids. I can’t just say I’m leaving to go do xy and z, and he just nonchalantly says ok. No All of a sudden anxiety kicks in and he replies with, you taking the kids. Which is a very loaded question and I already know what answer will go over better.
Not a believer, but you don't have to be a believer to be a decent person. My STBX took me for granted, ignored me all evening because his phone was more interesting, and THEN got arsey when I wasn't interested in sex. I told him over and over that I felt like his maid and nanny. Told me I was ungrateful for 'all he did'. Yes he worked but when he was home ALL he would do was sit on his arse with his nose in the phone and expect me to keep the house clean and look after the kids by myself. Didn't touch me unless he wanted a shag.
Yeap same here
Feels gross 😩
It’s the equivalent of dating a guy who thinks paying for dinner entitles him to your body, except long term. Zero self awareness that being an arse is counterproductive to what they want and foreplay starts long before you even think about sex. It winds up becoming, at least to me, why even bother considering someone else’s wants and needs when they can’t even be bothered with the smallest of my requests.
From what I have always understood that is the reason and symbolism behind the custom of the bride and groom feeding each other from that piece of wedding cake. Serving each other mind body and soul. And how many new husbands want to smoosh it into her face in front of everyone before the wedding night has even happened yet? Most people shouldn't be permitted to be married. Most people just don't get marriage. Don't get it, don't do it, for heaven's sake.
Jimmy,went to the store and my hubby watch this vid by himself. This is a first! Prayers answered💖
Oh my gosh! That’s incredible news!!
Get away from religion. It destroys relationships.
Thank you so much for this video and sharing your experience. My husband and I are going through this in our marriage right now, everything you mentioned is us right now. We will be watching this together tonight. It helps so much to hear it from a mans perspective thank you again.
Watching TV while she cleans the kitchen and getting mad if she's not instantly romantic.
I started using your argumentation styles to 'win' the fights (for both of us) a few weeks ago. Together with a lot of mental self soothing to not react inappropriately. And already the whole 'together' changes. ❤ thank you so much !
No one should marry *anyone* who doesn’t exude positive qualities from day (date) #1. You have to pay attention to how they treat themselves, you, their own family members, friends, those in the service industry, etc.… for a minimum of six months. If they are wearing a mask, it won't take long for it to slip and fall off. But we have to know the signs. They are always there. I can tell who someone is on the first date. It took me 45+ years to figure it out, but once I learned the signs, and I learned that people don't change, and I learned that a first date is a mirror microcosm of how that person will be it became obvious. Also, at 50, it makes dating a whole hell of a lot easier.
WOW, WOW, WOW! EVERY man should listen to this over and over again! I"m sending this to my son and I am going to bookmark this link for any future man in my life. You hit the nail on the head on what a woman NEEDS from a man. Any man that steps up to this kind of commitment to his wife will have an INCREDIBLE marriage! More sex and less fighting? YES! Plus a woman who truly admires her husband and can't do enough for him. This is a NO BRAINER: a woman can't help but respect, admire, love and serve a husband who does the same for her.
Even when you do everything he says, it doesn’t work
While listening I wondered, " Where did this man get such courage and wisdom?" As the video progressed it became clear. "This man has been with Jesus". (Acts 4:13)
Brilliant comment.
I pray that God richly blesses you, your marriage and your family for putting these messages out there! They are most assuredly not super popular with most men. However, it is transfomative for me (and clearly many other women) and brings hope that men CAN understand our needs and participate in a mutually loving relationship, IF they desire to. Thank you for your words of Wisdom.
You are saving marriages here.
I absolutely love your messages. "Unexpressed appreciation". Boy that says a lot. I do my best to practice appreciation and gratitude to my husband but it is not reciprocated. I work and bring in as much and sometimes more $ than him. When we have a conversation, he's a chatterbox but when I try to say something relating to the conversation it's like I never said it. He jumps to a different topic altogether which makes me feel like what I had to say was meaningless and I just wasted my time. It's hard when you love someone and serve them, and you get little reciprocation back.
so just start to put yourself first. man are not wired like listening and than doing stuff for you. If he does not listen let him see that he missed on some things. Don't stay the same, let him see that you changes too and that you don't appreciate him and love him unconditionally. Than he will see that he has to do something to be worth your love and gratitude. Men don't listen and change, we women are like that. You have to say it clearly once and than lean back!!! If he loves you he will be activated - but if he changes nothing he just got lazy and blind like Jimmy said before.
Me too and I learned if they don't listen to me, I will not be listening to them
Jimmy. Thank you for helping men. God bless you and your marriage. 😊
You have a way of speaking that opens up my heart towards the errors in MY ways. Thank you for these videos!
This is amazing! Thank you so much! Im super proud of you!! Self reflection is very mature :)
Some of us spend more time in the gym growing our physical health than we spend time with growing our marriage health ❤
Thank you for this video. This is all I have wanted to tell my husband and he never listens to me. I will share this with him and pray to God he accepts this in his heart
Your religion is the whole problem. Ditch it.
This video really helped me process some of the emotional damage that happened because I left my husband. Thank you, having someone explain and understand what happened to me was healing, I wasn't crazy like he wanted me to believe. I did go out of my way to be always considerate to him, he clearly was not to me. I got cPTSD and when I cut out my family the worst and most intense symptoms arose and I got to the point that I was incapable of doing anything not even basic chores, I didn't understand what was going on with me but I knew I needed help. I asked him to go to couples therapy with me, I knew I needed therapy and I didn't want to go alone I was feeling really broken and struggled to do anything on my own. I also knew the relationship was failing because when I finally spoke out about how horrible I was feeling and that the pain was so intense that I wanted to die he ignored me. Later he told me that I was the only one with a problem and that he was not going to therapy. He also said he thought I was faking it for attention. That crushed me and I locked myself in the bedroom for 3 -4 days only come out to eat if I was sure he was asleep or if he was at work. He distracted me by ending our lease on the apartment and forcing us to buy a house. I don't know if he thought this was going to help but having less than a month to pack up an apartment you'd been living at for 5-6 years in one month while so depressed you can even shower regularly was a horrible move, I was distracted for about 3 months because between the packing and looking for a house we had to stay in motels with all our belonging in a uhaul while we had no savings to be spending on these sort of impulsive decision. Then when we did land a house it sucked more money out of us and we couldn't' even afford basic groceries. This made everything worse for me and I left him. To this day he doesn't acknowledge he did anything wrong, but I totally understand now why I was his third wife and he doesn't.
How long ago was this split? How is the journey to healing going? I am working through similar painful things and know how unbelievably hard it is. The healing will allow you to experience joy and peace. Not perfect or unending, but it can increase so much. Just remember that healing is not linear and has ups and downs. You deserve the healing and the peace. All the best to you, dear
How are you doing?
I so wish this type of information would be part of high school curriculum. Your videos are so valuable.
When a man or woman say they unintentionally hurt the other person by what they said or did or didn’t say or do is THOUGHTLESSNESS
I would like to see this young man’s videos in private and government schools and in Sunday school
Jimmy you are so prophetic... I sent this video to my husband yesterday 7 Feb 2024 midnight ,while he's away for a business trip..just today morning,he calls in n responds miraculously and sends me cash promising to discuss more
*I never mark days, but I marked yesterday for this reviving n revelational video ....
*This is divine n Am honored to watch you
#your words have birthed the new in my marriage... I believe
*I never desire to meet people .... Your the second in this life on earth.
* I would love to meet you and your wife... This year...
Thank you for understanding us Jimmy. That's you for your time!
If you are acting like an intelligent grown man, working on your weaknesses, becoming stronger, being protective, encouraging her to do likewise, being someone she can look up to; you’re going to be getting lovin’ regularly.
This is the Best video I've seen lately! My Pastor talks about this! Im with a Narcassist, And when I hear these words, it reminds me who I was before he ever came into my life! Thank you! I love all of your videos! But this one hit me at home. ❤
This is terrific advice. I am setting reminders on my phone to do things around the house. I often see things to do while fixing something I want to do and forget about the little things.
For Christmas my husband filed for divorce. He consulted with his 51 yr old daughter who was afraid to share her inheritance. My husband never wanted to share power of marital decisions. He wanted complete control and domination. So much gaslighting for the destructive behaviors he has done to our marriage. After 13 years of marriage he threw me out of our house like Trash. Being his 4th wife, I can only imagine his selfish NPD tendencies killed many relationships. Please continue your program as I am learning about boundaries that safeguard relationships.
I'm not usually a fan of when these kinds of videos become a Christian sermon, but you managed to bring up Christianity without forcing it on everyone and I appreciate that.
I definitely need to rewatch this a few times to make sure I'm ticking all the right boxes in my next relationship.
That won't happen for a while, but better to prep beforehand.
Defensiveness and rejection sensitivity have always been something I struggle with, but relationships really put a spotlight on that particular weakness.
‘Feel safe to be vulnerable’
This ❤
You know it’s fascinating. Many young men fall into the „seduction“ pit and stay there. It’s out of not being able to find a partner who loves them. Being hurt by the world and wanting to „show that SOB how good I am with this“.
But once you’ve decided on being with a spouse and building a life, you are inevitably forced to „soften up“ and lay your alpha sigma grind aside as to function properly and have a successful partnership. Even more so when there’s children involved.
There’s so many facets and dimensions to your character and so much vulnerability unlocked once you have children that there’s simply no use for showing that 2-dimensional side of „the great seductor“ and alpha sigma whatever. You would not want your child to become that either.
This video of yours helps me remind myself what I need to do as a husband for my wife and make sure my kids see a good role model for their life.
Been struggling with depression and have found out the bad sides to my personality and showing them my wife and family unfiltered. The big positive I see is that my wife has always and does believe in us, knowing what can be. So she stays by my side and helps me everyday to become better.
Thanks for the reminder and your condensed wisdom in this video!
I am working on self validation, but the validation you give is one of the biggest blessings as it stops the loop of self doubt and give the relationship a chance to move forward.
I love this =)
Thank you ❤ for spreading this information to encourage staying together ❤ you brought me to tears with this deep validation ❤ 👏
There’s a point where they simply don’t care enough for their wife- to work on anything. They would like to think she is selfish and withdrawing because she is and it has nothing to do with him. This is when women give up and walk away. The whole time the man is thinking it’s all her fault-because that’s easier. They really think -I’ll just replace her with someone better. What they fail to realize is their problems will follow them.
Wow...what awesome insights you have been blessed with. How different our marriages would be IF we all took your amazing advice. Thank you!!!
Jimmy, you are simply the best! Thank you for taking the time to do this particular video. I hope this helps us.
You’re so very kind to me!!
Hi Jummy, I forwarded this video to him and he said he doesn't agree with you. He's asking why the mam should do all of that and what the responsibility of the woman should be.
Totally been searching for a channel like this. Thank you brother.
I saw your other video about how women approach their complaints and I am GUILTY! I get tired of being the decision-maker for everything until he exerts VETO power. I get tired of being expected to manage everything and notice everything right and wrong and then act accordingly. I get tired of being held responsible for the things HE wants to complain about while he has done nothing to address those things (such as “we” need to get this place picked up) while he does not pick things up.
I could stamp this on my forehead and still be ignored
Literally all your videos need to be put on repeat in my household.
But when your partner says they will do what they want when they want…. They won’t be watched.
Emotionally abused for years…. And it won’t end as he won’t leave and I can’t afford too.
This breaks my heart :(
It costs very little to get divorced without a lawyer. It takes some work but you can do it pretty cheaply. Don’t let finances keep you trapped. Law schools often run clinics where third year students help people who can’t afford lawyers. And most court houses offer assistance with completing forms.
@@FirstNameLastName-wt5toIt's not the divorce cost, she can't afford to live as a single. That holds far too many women back from getting divorced, especially with the economy getting drastically worse in recent years. Have you seen rent?! And maybe she has children dependent on their mother to care for them and their father to pay the bills. Life is complicated and very expensive.
Pray to God, He does love you completely.
First and foremost, I just want to say I applaud you standing ovation for being able to communicate with women and men in this area. It takes someone very special who understands on both levels to communicate with us out here and I just I applaud you second I would like to thank you again for just being able to communicate to my husband exactly how I feel. I know listening to you know other people and how they live. We don't know the behind the scenes. You know and what it takes and what was about to be lost survival and in fighting for that and it isn't. The amazing thing to see the just outstanding person that you both have to be so vulnerable to us out here. And I just think you guys very much for caring so much about the relationship. And the marriage as a whole to be seen in the public eye. And I hope that someway somehow got rewards you all for that cause. I mean, you're saving countless marriages out here countless. Because anybody worth fighting for I mean just listening to you. Explain to my husband. And in myself that it's not worth it to keep going. I mean, I've been in this relationship 20 years and he's still fighting about the same things and I am wondering why I stay, we are about to get a divorce and this might have changed this video here for sure, have has might have changed my hope my whole direction in life. Thank you so much, and that means so much to me, just 2 people in this whole big world, you just you might have saved our marriage. Thank you so much, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you and God bless you and may spirit. Come to you all today and give you all some type of amazing award. Thank you marissa and jeremy moore
**God** rewards yall 🎉
Can you make a video about husbands trying to use sex as an apology? Like after a fight he wanted to “smooth things over” with sex. And then got upset when I said no.. twice in one night. And then acted like nothing was wrong the next day.. and thought I should too. Because grudges. He could die tomorrow and that would be our last interaction so I need to let go. 🤔
You’re right, this is an important topic. :(
My hubby did this until I said to him
I really don't like you right now.
He said he needed closeness to feel better🤦♀️
@@lovelysknhad a talk with my husband, hoping that I could even possibly get through to him. Not a whole lot came from it. Then two hours later, he was like “I’m assuming you’re not in the mood, so I might as well take a shower?” 🙄 Then the next night had a few superficial short talks here and there, still not connecting. Out of nowhere he says “we don’t have any kids right now” (hint hint) Ugh 😩 🤦♀️ I was like no bruh, Like hello, are you even serious? Clueless 🫤
I know, for myself, that the closest I feel to my wife is when we make love. The entire world around us disappears and I am able to personally connect to her on what feels like a deep level. This is probably why other husbands also want to make love to make up. To feel close.
I have been finding out, recently, that this closeness doesn't actually lead to emotional connection with my wife. I need to do better to make her feel emotionally supported.
@@fruity_mango6539just deflates you, doesn't it?
I’m exhausted….just listening……😂 great job!
Best video I’ve ever watched!!! Can’t say enough! It was mind blowing.
LOL its her natural inclination to be selflessness, sacrifice and serve me! ... i have not laughed so hard in a long time. I do the cooking, cleaning, majority of child related care. she works 3 days a week... i work 6. she does 4 hours a day, i do 10-12 hrs. she sits on her phone the minute she gets in the door, and plonks herself on the couch (b4 someone chimes in with "how do you know if you are at work so much?" they are called security cameras). games games games social media games games social media, and watching the TV (well listening cos the eyes never leave the phone). on the times i work past dinner, she buys take away, everytime. during the busy period of my work, that can sometimes mean takeaway EVERY NIGHT. I can go on, but there would be pages to this comment..
Oh my.this video is one of those platforms that have highly explained my realities ..
I've not had any one in my 15 years of marriage break down a marriage life cycle like you have..concerning the above points
. Uve triggered all the pain, am in a lot of pain ...soI am glad to know that am normal
Thank you for this video ❤️
I’m trying so hard to need less. It’s so lonely and I miss when I was misinterpreting his actions/intentions. I thought he meant things a certain way that met what I needed and learned later that it wasn’t the case. I’m trying so hard to get my needs down to a level where I can meet them. I know you aren’t supposed to “need” other people because that’s codependency, but it’s so god damn lonely and just a constant ache. Like this hole I can’t seem to get rid of or fill. I also can’t seem to be able to go through life without acting like something’s wrong. It turns out most folks just really want everything to be good and I’m trying to only portray that for my family.
Men, listen, all he says is the truth! It crushes a marrige if you don’t. As a woman I know from experience, and it didn’t go well. Save your relationship if you can.
My first marriage, was her second marriage. I thought I was giving, she withheld because she wanted "more." I gave "more," she withheld because she wanted even "more." The "more" I gave, the "more" she wanted so the more she witheld still.
After 3 years of giving her "more" and her withholding more...
I couldn't take ANY MORE!!!
So I started giving less, and she withheld more. 5 yrs in and she filed for divorce. Court decided she needed "more," so she got half of everything, plus the house and alimony of $400 a month. In 1993 $400 was a lot for a 28 yr old blue collar man.
I didnt remarry til I was 51, seven yrs ago and its still going strong.
The ex-wife? She's on marriage #5...I guess she kept wanting "more..."
Convid and the restrictions brought out differences in beliefs and opinions. It was difficult. He then came home one day and said he wasn’t happy coming home. He waited til I had gone to my Mums when I spoke to him on the phone to say some things to me. He said “it’s no-ones fault”. I went back home and he didn’t say anything. 7 months later he waited until was at my Mums where I got a text saying he’d reached some decisions. I went back home and he said he wanted to get out and was counting on his fingers how many months he had to wait (I was in middle of challenging course). I convinced him to work on it. We never discussed anything further. We went on a nice holiday shortly after. I know a few months has passed and I don’t think he got all his feelings back. I wonder what would have happened had I just said ok do what you want. I think he is on the ASD spectrum so communication / conversation is non existent. Your videos are helping me understand the situation but things have been too fragile for me to say anything.
Great concept if you have a wife that isn't unhappy, insecure, unforgiving and continually brings up the past and has never been the most affectionate and has now cut sex out. And yes, what you've mentioned I have been doing for years. I'm through trying to appease / "make" her happy.
Have you? My husband could have described me that way too. And when husbands do those negative behaviors, it tends to make her angry, unhappy, and insecure about the relationship. Men are given the same advice over and over again from multiple sources and told when they do not do it, the outcome from their wives will look like less sex, more fighting, and eventual divorce. Being kind to her and affirming the pain you have caused her over the years is FREE. Your wife is already angry and validating her anger may seem like she is getting even angrier, but I think strong men should be able to handle a woman's anger. Lord knows women have had to handle yours even after you made HER mad. It is only fair, you handle her anger. If she is insecure and unhappy, she still cares. When she starts getting happy even though you have not changed is when she is about to leave you or has found someone else to make her happy.
Excellent assessment!
You are doing a great job with these videos ! I love watching these! ❤
I gotta say, acknowledging these problems and doing something about them are two really different things. Would love to have a video on that.
Thanks for your video. My husband and I need to watch it together and begin this journey together 🙏💓
thank you for being bold and clear about Jesus and about serving each other in marriage.
So spot on!! I greatly appreciate your insights.
Wow... I honestly teared up a cpl times. You read me like a book. I'm going to listen to this a cpl more times!
I am linked to a man that mocks my mannerisms when I speak, dismisses me and is out fishing this weekend rather than helping at home. Yeah, I have learned to live without him.