Funny Stories from the Roman Army
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- Опубліковано 26 кві 2024
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Sources:
-Caesar, B. Afric. 55.
-Appian, Mithr. 82.
-Polyb. 11, 24.
-IDRE-II, 456
-Plutarch, Pompey. 11
Intro (0:00)
Sponsor (0:31)
Treasure hunting legionaries (1:27)
Jumping into Fire for Loot (3:36)
The Golden Mule (4:54)
The Caesarian Tribune (6:15)
A pome Straight to the Point (8:38) - Розваги
Pompey should have spread rumours that there was tons of buried gold right under all the cities he ever besieged! His sappers would set the world record every time.
Touché... After Pompeys time there would be no unknown world, only Roman states and treasures 🤣
@@jonrunargislason1884 he couldnt, because there was treasures in and under cities
There was gold in those cities he didn't need to lie
He should have said "you could dig right under kings treasury" or something like that 🤣🤣🤣🤣
And get them picked by arrows one after another?
Never underestimate the boredom of a soldier. Some of the best phalluses I have ever seen drawn were in a porta-potty in the middle of nowhere.
That’s another thing that hasn’t changed in 2 millennia. Romans were experts at phallus graffiti!
I recall a greek sling stone with the words "f you" painted on it XD
Imagine if you will, a box in the DFAC right by the exit.
Imagine if you will, the text "take as much as you need - it's free" written upon the lid.
Imagine if you will, that when you open the lid, a big black Rises towards you from within the box.
O.o
What exactly makes a phallus good enough to be in your top list?
Pompey: The general who would fight Caesar.
Also Pompey: Alright go hunt for buried gold and ill make jokes abt you.
HE WAS A CONSULE OF ROME!!
@@keizoxd5623 SHAME!!!!
"so, go hunt for buried gold and I'll do a reaction walkabout on you. Comedy gold, more than you'll get.'
Dont give an order if your are not 100% sure it would be obeyed or you might lose your authority.
@@corneliussulla9963 Exactly, he did the smart thing.
A whole series about the human side of the Roman War Machine? You sir, you had my curiosity. But now you have my attention
Reminds me of a story from I, Claudius. Claudius was a scholar and he wrote many books. One day he was giving a reading of his newest book to a small group of Roman noblemen, when in walked in the fattest Equite that Claudius had ever seen. The man then sat down on a chair, and instantly the chair crumbled into pieces and he fell on his butt. The expression on his face was such that Claudis burst out laughing. And he kept laughing until he was doubled up and writhing on the floor with tears streaming from his eyes, so uncontrolled was his laughter. His older brother Germanicus implored him to get a hold of himself and act with some dignity befitting a member of the imperial family, but Claudius failed and brought much shame to himself and his family.
Today Claudius would be admired for his sense of humour
Reminds me of a fat schoolmate of mine. There was an auditorium gathering. He sat down on the classic plastic chair provided to us.
His chair couldn't endure and buckled under the weight. It still tried till the end though, so his fall backwards was in slow motion. instead of fast.
Maybe if the Equite wasn't so fat he wouldn't shame himself in front of the imperial family
@@redacted5824 Kind of sad really, but the same thing happened to a girl in one of my classes at middle school. We watched in horror as one of the metal legs began to buckle under her weight.
I guess that she felt it about to give, and tried to get up.
She was trapped by the little desktop that was attached attached to the seat with a metal arm.
The chair leg gave way, followed by the others. Her weight had her in a bind and it took several people to get her out.
As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, the teacher made her stand for the rest of class, as they procured a larger chair from the high school. She had just moved from a different county and this was her first day.
Of course there were plenty of little jerks that thought it was hilarious. I felt terrible for her.
After about three days she stopped coming to school. This was before social media, and rumors circulated for a little while.
I saw her years later in college. She was much healthier and dated a coworker. We were drinking after a shift at the restaurant and she said that she remembered me. Up to this point, I had just acted like I didn't recognize her.
I'm glad that it worked out. I knew kids that committed suicide over lesser things.
@@letsdothis9063 OH, so glad it turned out well for her.
Glory, peace, fame, money and women - some things indeed do never change
Peace, that's a good thing right?
The third augusta poëtry club would make for an amazing comedy sketch/series.
I would love to see such a thing.
Third Augusta seems to have hosted a very interesting poetry club that not only limited itself to the headquarters camp. Even smaller camps in the middle of nowhere had their poetry clubs. The most famous one is the club from Gholaia/Bu Njem. They have translated two full poems from centurions of the local garrison
If you like something you would see on horrible history
i feel the poem loses something when not spoken in the original latin
Imagine how many stories have not been preserved 😂 waiting for part 2!
This videos only convince me more that a generation kill kinda series on the roman legionaries would be awesome xD
A game that explores this is ''A legionary's life'', just a few bucks on Steam.
It's pretty rudimentary, point and click, old school 8-bit style.
It's the life of a regular ass recruit during the Second Punic War. So there is combat, but most of the time you are gambling, standing guard, patrolling for forage for the horses, sometimes falling in ambushes by the locals that only lightly injure one of the men, but just make you lose a LOT of time and energy trying to capture them...
If you survive long enough and are not a complete idiot, you might go up through the ranks. I think the highest rank is centurion: so no one history would remember, but pretty accomplished in real life, regular people terms.
There is a lot of banter, being liked if you take extra work shifts, or being branded a ''Blue Falcon'' if you skip your duties to someone else, or tell on the buddies for drinking even on an off day...
So military life while being completely terrorised on battle for a few hours a year, to being bored out of your mind in garrison time has not changed THAT much in 2200 years. :)
It is surprisingly addictive and difficult, so a guide is PRETTY useful!
Another one is Expeditions Rome.
Not really the game itself, but just the vibe when in the camp. All the banter, gambling, guys being punished with latrine duty for no real reason, the BITCHING about everything, the guy bargaining a bottle of booze to another to take his shift so that he can go see a girl in the next village over...
And the rumor mill! You come back from a mission/intrigue, and hear the regular soldiers take on it via VERY incomplete info or understanding of what actually happened
But yeah, a Generation Kill type thing from different eras would be pretty cool.
@@f-xr9511 I appreciate the suggestion as total romaboo gonna check it out specially the first one I already had looked expeditions and surely gonna give it a try but the other one I was totally oblivious so thx
@@egillskallagrimson5879 Yeah: Expeditions Rome is a pretty ''big'' game, so its pretty normal to have heard of it. The other one is a small, indie one, so pretty obscure: I heard of it purely by chance.
You would love the HBOseries "Rome"
the fire pit part was literal toddler tier
In the immortal words of Gun Jesus: "soldiers will be soldiers."
If soldiers get bored they will goof off. It's why you see videos of soldiers marching while singing "Baby Shark" or "I'm a Barbie girl," they get remarkably bored and get funny
From the video of the two rifles locked together with bayonet lugs.
ever seen 'skippys list'?
@@andyf4292 Nope.
Russian soldiers dancing to the song " Rasputin " and showing the face of PUTIN..
It's on UTube..
War has been described as long periods of incredible boredom punctuated by short bursts of horror.
Pompey of all people not getting mad at his troops but instead simply laughing his ass off at their futile digging. I could picture him setting off in a huff trying to find soldiers to make a disciplinary point out of but his anger turning into uncontrollable laughter.
He probably couldn't find anyone not too busy digging to do it...
I have a sneaking suspicion that pompey allowed those soldiers to find the "treasure" just to troll them.
We hope you enjoyed this stray away from the typical heavy content of the channel. And let me tell you, the funniest stories are
in part 2: ua-cam.com/video/AjZOBl3Quik/v-deo.html
Vespasian: you are joining me as another God in our glorious pantheon soon! May Jupiter Optimus Maximus bless your dreams!
Can you list your sources for this video, it would help for a college paper
More like this would please the gods.
No matter how much civilization has progressed over the years, some things will never change. Keep em coming! :D
@@kenichi-bk6bz the sources have been added to the description. Cheers!
It should be aptly renamed "The greed of a Roman legionaire"
Great little side scrape from your usual contend, and I assure you that segments like this are as much history to your pupils as the legions itself
When I hung out with soldiers in camps and what not, and grew bored, I ended up building useless things from trash.
So, over the course of a long eight hour "look busy" session, I built a crude chair, crude cover, and a crude roof out of the nearby sticks, and trees in the training area. No one else, but I used it, as they thought it looked crude. However, to the best of my knowledge, it still stands. For at the end of training, I heard the instructors argue about whether to leave it as is, or destroy it with explosives. Since I saw not a whiff of explosives outside of training grenade, I'm pretty sure it still there, in the woods of Washington State, with each new group of trainees gasping in horror at who created that thing.
One of my favorite chuckle-worthy stories I read in a book where even the author couldn't resist a jab at a less-creative legionnaire.
Basically, we have the sling stones from when Octavian besieged Antony's wife and brother, Fulvia and Lucius, in Perusia. Octavian's soldiers would carve threats into the stones before sending over the wall, such as "Fulvia, I'm coming for your c**t," "Lucius' anus will belong to me" and (to quote the book "somewhat less intimidatingly") "Lucius is bald."
That is very funny indeed! Part 2 will be released soon, but I could really make use of this one in Part 3, thanks for letting me know! I will have to be very careful with the phrases so I don’t get demonetised, haha!
Hey. Those common threats are nothing. But laughing at someone being bald will hurt...
It seems that if a city wanted to delay or hinder Roman take-overs, just gather valuables and toss them over the walls-in a specific location, thereby allowing successful escapes.
Perhaps spread a rumor that the city's riches has been moved to a neigbouring city...
Yeah, it almost seems like a hack life.
I was thinking piling up the gold and setting it on fire as an ambush
I was a professional soldier, it can be a harsh and difficult lifestyle. Soldiers have a great sense of humour. It's a valuable and necessary quality. Looking back, you always remember the funny things that happened in dangerous and unpleasant times.
Nothing distracts you from the dangers of being under fire as the opening lines of "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"......
Or, singing "Summertime" through clattering teeth when almost freezing to death during winter manoeuvers.
But when the platoon commander starts referencing Baldrick in his orders: "My cunning plan is...." you know you are in for a real sh*t-show of a fight.
Soldiers have a great sense of humour? Must be why so many of them turn into famous comedians. Soldiers THINK they have a great sense of humour, but they are actually purile pains in the arse.
@@FFM0594 cope
This was just AMAZING😂😂😂, please sir may I have another.
Part 2 is already on the way ;)
@@HistoriaMilitum NOICE.
@@HistoriaMilitum Great!! I am really enjoying this shorter content
I would love to be enlightened about the logistics of supplies and trade routes at this time both in military campaigns and between cities. I would also like to understand better about the daily life of different social castes and if there was any flexibility between them. thanks for the excellent content!
Second this
Thirded
Go check out the channel Invicta exactly what you're looking for 👌
As a former supply guy in the army, this part of history is a bit intriguing to me and often overlooked by the civilian populace. The Romans were known for conquering and inventing things, but not many people know some of the reasons why they prefer to have their enemies peacefully surrender. They were wise enough to know that if you could establish good relations with people, they will provide you with things that you need. This is extremely helpful when your soldiers are in campaigns long away. Lands that were conquered between where Rome was and the outer boundaries had many towns that could provide not only food and shelter, but transportation repairs. Room recognized timely patterns and cost associated with the different needs and correlated them with naval trade routes so that their armies would always have a consistent supply of resources.
Armies advancing established trade routes to captured countries, and anything the needed they took from civilians around them by force.
6:15 - What interesting to note is just how badly Caesar was screwed by Avienus. Caesar was in an absolutely terrible position during that time. Just before the African Campaign, one of Caesar's legions mutinied, but came back into the fold following a heartfelt speech by Caesar. After this, Caesar had to start rushing and get to Africa ASAP with whatever legions were nearby. The rest would have to catch up. But, because they set off so quickly, they didn't bring much food with them. Caesar marched inland to try to get some food and supplies by raiding towns and villages. But, the entire Pompeian army had come to say hi, along with a bunch of Numidian Cavalry. The Caesarians had gotten their asses handed to them, but they managed to escape. After this, the Caesarians had to stick to the coast in a defensive formation. The only thing stopping them from starving to death was finding a nearby town's hidden food stockpile. Months passed like this. Two extra legions then arrived. Caesar's army was now about as big as Scipio/Labeinus' army. But Scipio/Labeinus had King Juba's 4 additional legions worth of cavalry.
Enter Avienus. Caesar sees his ships on the horizon, imagining them with food stockpiles to feed his starving army. Or another legion to finally get this war over with!
But no. Avienus brought his entire household with him. No food. No soldiers.
Caesar must've been so angry, after everything he's been through. He could've fitted half a legion on that ship, or brought a bunch of food or supplies to stop the Caesarians from starving, or to build up their camp/fortifications. Maybe it was because Avienus was a military tribune, and a dishonorable discharge was punishment enough. Avienus would never be able to hold any kind of political office. Either way, it's far better than what Scipio did to a group of captured Caesarians during the African Campaign. Scipio asked the centurion from the captured Caesarians if they'd be willing to fight for him. The centurion gave a very flowery speech basically saying "no". Scipio was so mad he ordered the centurion executed on the spot, and ordered the rest of the captured Caesarian soldiers to be tortured to death... Damn. I know who's side I'd be on.
Now I have the mental image of Pompey busting out a lawn chair and sitting down with some wine while enjoying the sight of thousands and thousands of treasure hunting Legionary's destroying the whole countryside and occasionally making a Nelson Muntz impersonation
Also I am pretty sure that all the warts that the Legionary's got from days of digging did them no favors when they finally got into battle
You dont get warts from working, you get blisters
You missed the most famous one - Rivality of Titus Pulo and Lucius Vorenus, they were competing about becoming Primus Pilus and Caesar himself wrote about their ridicilous combat and rivalry :D
That one has already been covered in the XIth Claudia episode 😉
Pompey walking around, ripping on his dudes for their stupid treasure hunt...that's what true leadership looks like. What a lad.
That soldiers poem is my favorite ever, specifically because it's so simply. No flowery bullshit he is a soldier goddammit
i would love more stories !!
Dude looks like soldiers never change throughout history. I got some retarded stories from the Marine Corps.
Also in historical fencing class my sword instructor was talking about how he found a source where the board German soldiers from the 16th century were guarding in a town these guys are like 17 to 19 years old they were bord so they started to put wads of water or spit paper balls as bullets in their arquebus & pistols & shoot each other with them. These wet wads of paper will smash get stuck onto their armor.
I do remember the number I think there's like 15 dudes doing this, until I think it was a night or a officer heard this all and stop it then made fun of them for it.
It's been cool watching this channel grow. One on soldier's graffiti would be cool.
"Glory, peace, fame, money, and women." Imaginary, supernaturally beautiful women at that; things hardly change indeed.
Legionnaires be like they’re the player character in video games, always lootin’
If Caesar was genuinely angry at his officer, then that officer was very lucky that he merely got off with just simply being dismissed. I'm given to understand that the Big C was not the easy going type when it came to maintaining the discipline and order of his soldiers.
Killing a man is easy. Sending him home in disgrace, without spoil, is worse. It made him a failure and less of a man. And Caesar's men knew it. That's worse than death.
I'm definitely marching under the banner of more anecdotes! These little snippets of history never fail to amuse me. They really need more of these in school, along with the bare facts - we'd probably get a lot more historians out of it.
Thanks for the feedback, I’m glad you enjoyed! Part 2 will be released very soon!
I Would like to hear more about the nymphs ;)
The last sounds more like a bucket list than a poem...☺
That wasn't luck, that was a clever Carthagenian figuring out a way to get Rome to till the land for planting.
I laughed form start to end, i wish i can see more of these videos. Cheers from Spain.
Glad you enjoyed. Part 2 is already on its way and will be released soon!
HOLY FUK THIS VIDEO WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. Subbed. Please do more honestly you have to make the funny stories its own miniseries. I demand it pleb.
That last poem, my sides.
It was missing that sweet "I'm not a rapper"
It was hot
Filaxim my friend , this was great and id love to see more like this. Thanks again for hard work you put into these vids !
The contents of that poem would work as a modern day hip hop lyrics as well lol.
Name me something more powerful in our earthly realm than the paycheck 🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus:* The man who could lead soldiers to great glory, and onto even greater greed
One of the things making me wonder whether Siegried killed a Dimetrodon or defeated a cohort of a draconarius to get the Niblung hoard ...
Pompeius got screwed so many times lmao. DAMN GOLD!!! AGAIN!!!!
Truly u must continue in this endeavour to spread the glory of rome
This was great! Definitely do more of these.
Greed is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is frequently fatal.
There is a story told by Edward Gibbon in his Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire which stands as one of the most unusual for any army.
After the death of the last Emperor of the Julian line, and the Year of Four Emperors the Army had learned that it could make and break Emperors. The army came to expect “gifts” from the Emperors they had made. Some historians say that one of the causes of the Decline of the Empire was because the army discovered it could make Emperors. Naturally enough Emperors did not appreciate being extorted. This practice came to an end after the army threatened the wrong Emperor.
Before Constantine split the Empire into two, the Roman Empire was divided with two Caesars.
One in the East and one in the West. Each had an army under the Emperor in Rome.
So when it happened that the army in Rome, the Western Army, threatened the Emperor to give a them a gift, “or else”, the Emperor devised as scheme to show the Empire who was in charge. He gave the army its “gift” and then led it north on a campaign. Stopping for the night, he directed the army to camp in an open area.
The Emperor had arranged for the Eastern Caesar to bring his army close. The Eastern Army deployed for battle. The Emperor left the Western Army and rode to the Eastern Army, accompanied by most of the Western Army’s officers. The Eastern Army then attacked the Western Army camped leaderless in its open defenseless position and destroyed it, leaving none alive.
That ended the army’s practice of extorting Emperors.
Too good gonna save
Is this story credible? Which emperor was it and what year did it happen?
Aww this is awesome
This is an amazing video idea
That poetry at the end felt like something from a Supa Hot Fire bit lol
This literary insight to such groundbreaking semantic poetry of life and times of the common plebeian legionary and I, mere future peasant far removed must bestow upon this man honor, praise and recognition of such renown and wit worthy of eternal remembrance two long millennia after his lusted words.
*Chefs Kiss* 👌🏻
Edit: How could I forget, *NICE*
This was a nice treat! Make more of these! Good soundtrack too.
You are doing a great work. This work is exactly whats missing from all other epic channels. Well done bro
Thank you I enjoyed this a lot and please do more like This as well
Lmao I love the music changes in this video they're so perfect. Serious and dramatic music playing while he's laying out the historical context to the situation and then the big oof part of the story starts so the music becomes quirky and upbeat 😂
I really enjoyed this ...
Great stories, and well done. thanks
I love that poem. It's a soldier's poem. "I wanted to go kill, I killed. I wanted to go home, and I can. I wanted to win, and I did. Also, hot chicks!"
Love this, need moreeeeeee
Feels Like HBO's Generation Kill Rome edition
"Ye, Ego sum iuvenis incultus Baby"
entertaining as hell, good job.
“I wanted to see naked nymphs: I saw them”
Must have been my ancestor lol
I, for one, would like several more of such videos.
That Augstra centurions split fire bro 🔥
A salty E-9 that is 20 years in and saw a LOT of shit... I can imagine that!
That poem was hysterical.
Yes, many more stories please.
Great, as usual!
😂😂😂 you will be amazed but nothing has changed since ancient times.
After 1990 in my country tranches alongside roads had to be dug. Stories about pots with gold coins being found during digging in certain places acted like a charm on populus and you should see the willingness of the people to dig trances and the fervour they kept digging .
In the UK you should see the simple minded people being more than happy to work in grueling conditions on demolition sites to the thought that they may be as lucky as others who found treasures during the demolition in other places. It is priceless how easy pray the people are to stories.
Great vid. Please more
Great and amusing video. Filling the whole picture about ancient romans... as very humans
No doubt that soldier's poem sums up what every soldier wanted... except to find a lot of treasure!
if the cartheginians waited behind the pile of treasure they might have won lmao
This was great
Where all the naked nymphs at?
With me.
They're in Greece
This was awsome
I rarely comment on videos but man what an amazing video
If I could make a request: A video on the organization and units of the Late Empire would be very appreciated.
The mess of Vexilatio, the Auxilia, Legio, Comitatus, Schola, and Cunae makes my head spin.
Yes more please. I never heard of those stories.
9:55
And the Centurion wept because there were no more things to want.
I love that last poem so much
Dude, if I were Caesar, I would have loaded that guys possessions (obviously not people or animals) back on that boat and sunk it. It's amazing that not only did you dig up a poetry club, but that poem! Well done, very entertaining, Subscribed!
This would be a great miniseries, and I really enjoyed this episode
This is the kind of thing i love about history, that underneath all the other stuff, most of humanity will never change
glory for gold , best story roman army so far 😂 🤣
My guy i need more of those funny poems from soldiers. That shit had me on the floor laughing.
Pompey could have made up the story about Carthage treasure to motivate his men. He would've had a few days after landing to rest, draw up a few battle plans and get a few laughs. His men, however, would grow frustrated with the lack of treasure, and they might want to run a few people through with their swords to release their pent-up frustration.
Avienus. Hmm. I wonder if his name the root for the word _avarice._
Great video great channel
I need more of these in my life
Primus pilus' poem sounds like Supa hot fire
Good stories. If true that’s telling why Pompey lost due to the hardcore of his legions are driven more by greed than aspiration for victory
That centurion sounds like an alright guy
"Legionary TITUS PULLO! Step Forward"
"Sorry, sir. He's not present."
"Jupiter's balls. Where is he?"
"Well, sir,...there was this wagon full of gold...and a slave girl..."
"Oh, well. Finest traditions then?"
"Quite."
yes, I want to see more this was an awesome video
Very enjoyable! I especially enjoyed the poem😂 men never really changed and that's a good thing for us girls lol
This kind of slice of life thing is great
loved it
Very very good
Thank god I wasn't drinking anything when I read that centurian's masterclass poem
I think that Pompeii's determined laughter was actually his 'discipline'.
That Avienus reminds me of some of the officers in the Life Guards back in the '70's. Their Officers Mess in the field was the most lavish thing I have ever seen, complete with duckboards, carpeting and leather sofas and arm chairs. I believe they also brought the mess silver out on exercise too. They must have used hundreds of men to pack it up and move every time they changed location.
@Retired Bore LOL yes, never mind WW1, I had a 9/12th Staff Officer in 1989 bemoan the fact that there were no decent stables on the island for his horses and he had to keep them over in the new Territories.
@Retired Bore could have been the end of WW1 if not for the "Africa" bit 😀
@Retired Bore Dumbing or fat finger typing? I don't post stuff on my phone nymore but prefer to use my tablet. My sights not too good either and at 70+ we won't discuss my joints 😉
@Retired Bore my laptop died years ago, it was a Tosh, given as a retirement gift. We're both old farts I suppose. I do like my Samsung A10 tab though.