When a narc is ‘being kind’ they are setting you up with cheap gifts so you will feel obliged to reciprocate at three to four times what they gave. Never take kindness from a narc. Its cruelty behind a very thin mask.
My whole life, my mother blamed me for behavior that was actually a reaction to her abuse. My getting irritated and upset was used against me time and time again. I can not describe how painful and at the same time freeing it is to realize that it was not me who was at fault. I have come to realize that even though your mind can be manipulated, if something doesn’t feel right (makes you feel or react in a certain way, even if you don’t realize it at the time), it most probably isn’t. Trust your gut, even of you cannot explain it (yet).
I was told to “calm down” and “be calm” continuously by my mother, my ex and even my son. I thought I was the crazy explosive one. This thought me to not trust my thinking and judgment of other people. So I had to ask mother for approval of everything I said or thought, almost. Thank God for Meredith and for the book she recommends “Mothers who cannot love”.
The narc knows all the subtle little triggers to set you off. I am generally pretty calm, easy going, and agreeable, but the narc I know had me going off. I remember wondering what came over me! Well, I started paying closer attention. I remember telling her years ago that I absolutely hate ultimatums. One day I noticed she was trying to get me to argue. After we started arguing she said if you're not happy with me I can just take you home. She used a number of my triggers. A subtle ultimatum. Holding my desire to be with her over my head to get her way. My fear of being deserted. I don't think any of what she put me through was an accident. Narcs know just how to get under your skin and it's not always obvious. You have to pay close attention.
Troy Carpenter YES! We used to end up arguing about not arguing. How crazy is that! I'd say I don't want to argue, and that would set him off! Hang in there.
Yes! Every trigger that I had my ex-narc tried to trip - *every* time we got together, close to the end, he said, "So, you want to live alone.", knowing that I had always broken down in tears when he would make such a "pronouncement" and I'd usually get terrified of him leaving. This time though, I stopped and thought and replied, "I'd rather live alone for the right reasons that be with someone who doesn't truly love me for myself." You should have seen his *face*! It was like I'd slapped him full on!
Isn't it funny how nice a guy can be when he senses you've had enough of the BS? I've come to the conclusion that even if he has actually and finally seen the light I owe it to myself to feel free to leave if I decide I've wasted enough time and am worried that he's just manipulating again. What I owe to myself outweighs what I owe to him or anybody else.
That is so true what you said that you get that uncomfortable pit in your stomach. Because besides that nothing else is tangible when you are dealing with a person like that.
This happened to me like a million times, and I only just understand it now. I used to think "well he can't be a narcissist, because he is always so kind, and the other people describing their narcissist say that they are very demeaning in their words and actions, and my narcissist wasn't" But now I completely understand what he did and how. He used kindness to trap me, cause that was what I needed the most, and he always ALWAYS punished me after the kindness - in very sophisticated covert ways usually with the silen treatment, and acting indifferent. So thank you to the person asking the question, and to you Meredith for answering it.
I absolutely love listening to you. You're so easy to listen to and super knowledgeable. This channel is better than a professional therapy session by far, and I'm forever thankful for finding you. Thank you so very much! xo
I went through this not too long ago. My EX hoovered hard. I tried to be "friends" because it was expected of me from some people. He made every moment an event we did spectacular! But I was emotionally reactive too. I was angry that he felt he could make everything "fun" and make us look happy, despite the crap he put me through. I was working hard on myself to make up for the damage he cause. I was also on edge waiting for the next abuse or triangulation. I was the one who looked like I had issues. The truth is, its broken, you won't be happy with that person again! the past pattern of behavior is a pretty accurate prediction of future behavior. More than likely they want to use you for something again, they are gathering information from you, they don't want you to move on without them. It is all mirroring, an act, a con, to get what THEY need. They also have a backup plan calculated if you don't give in, so don't.
You're right! Thanks for your insightful comment, @AN M ! I've had a hard time figuring out why he's suddenly being so kin & helpful a I am launching our on my own without him. Due to the pandemic, and only having JUST NOW started a job, we did talk on his request (I've been grey rock for about 2 months ) about where this is going. I didn't give a lot of detail, just reminded him that my separation plan involves getting my own place. We've been separated under same roof for about 3 wks now, due to pandemic, and my need to save up money and actually FIND a place. We agreed to behave like adults, no need to be hateful or ugly. It's is what it is and it is just broken, like you said. It will never be the same. And he has no interest in changing .(He's a covert N.) But he's being SO kind and helpful beyond me staying in our home: it's largely offers to pay for this or that, give me some money to put in a place, give me one of the cars, out it in my name, etc. Practical help, lots of it.
I will definitely take it, I deserve it after the crap I've tolerated for 36 years....but there will be NO reciprocation bu me, if that's what he's a king for ! I'm done for sure. Just have to figure out the "surviving" part, and remember that the "thriving " and freedom, will follow that!
Was addicted to excitment with narc...Went no contact ,was always aware what he was but choose to play with fire...The price in too high to stick around.... Lucky escape
I can not believe that people can be so deceitful. Especially if they are supposed to love you, that is why they choose to be in your life right. I can not believe that I must protect myself so much. I'm tired. Why???? I'm so upset. Everything is so painful.
In retrospect, my ex-narc spent literally *hours* trying to convince me to "give up" my "anxiety". "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you just stopped being *afraid*? What would happen if you gave up that fear? What would that be like?" Well, for one, I'd've quit listening to my gut and wouldn't have been monitoring my situation with him at all and he'd've been able to spring any traps that my instinct was detecting! That, I think was the main thing he didn't like about me - I could sense when he wasn't being genuine, (which was pretty much *all the time*!), and I was becoming more and more on guard for when he'd try to pull some drama on me.
Wow Meredith, You really have the narc patterns down pat. My mother was the most obvious, outlandish narc you could ever know. So like you, I see the behaviors so clearly. My mother was born in the sign of Scorpio. Long before I knew the word narcissist or really understood what that meant, I heard the story of the Scorpion and the Frog. Basically, the scorpion convinces the frog to give him a ride across a river. The frog knew it was a bad idea, but the scorpion was very convincing. Once they got half across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. The frog was dying and going down. He didn't understand, the scorpion would drown too. He asked the scorpion "WHY? You said you wouldn't sting me?" All the scorpion could say was "Sorry, it's just my NATURE."
It’s an act! Tell him no to something he wants, or don’t respond right away when he calls or texts- his true self will Come through. He wants something from you and will show YOU what YOU want to see. RUN! Change your number and leave with the power you now have! It happened to me. Came to my house with tears, sorrow and apologies. I should have never answered the door! listen to your gut instincts.
This video is right on point! can't tell you how many times i wondered why am i getting frustrated just by listening "normal" conversation with my narc. But the problem really ware that feeling that things aren't right, our relationship is shit, other person acts like everything is perfectly fine and i'm like boiling inside, because deep inside i know i'm being played and already been thru this shit many times. So as the time goes by and you suppress all that crap down your throat, you are getting more and more frustrated, feelings build up inside to the point when all the shit doesn't have anywhere more where to go, it's spilling outside and in one moment you act quite rude or something like that. But that's not you. You are not the rude person in general. It's quite opposite, and if someone (outsider )would look at you, you would look like a shitty person. But they don't know... At the moment when it's over the top listening to this fake person, and you burst seemingly for no reason, that is the moment when at least my narc was saying "aha, look at you and your behavior, you are negative, bla bla bla...". In that moment any and I mean any problem that you wanted to talk about and what you said that is maybe bothering you, or the other person is doing to you is NON EXISTENT, only problem that narc is talking about is why you yelled, and that's it. You are the crazy one, for the xy time. Frustration is just getting worse and worse with the time, you are loosing yourself more the more you are in that toxic relationship. Get out!!
Thank you for your comment. That describes exactly what was happening to me. My mother was superficial and boring and I was getting so mad inside at her lack of involvement and the warmth that I always wished for. She was acting sort of “out of it” for some time, and then one day she created a fight with my brother because I exploded. She was texting him right there as I was crying and couldn’t calm down. I am still pretty shook up after learning and realizing she never really felt love or compassion toward me.
Thank you, Meredith. Narcs have hooked me this way too many times, including family members. They are so good at fooling me and there's this part of me that wants to believe that there is good in these people. Then they attack.
I can predict my narcissist ex. I know him better than he knows himself. - there is no win win situation dealing with a narcissist. There in a world of their own. There very destructive and have way more expectations on others than themselves.
My finale discard.... He got ill... I had to call 911 and stayed 2 days with him in hospital... when we came home... he held my hands, crying and said ....' you are so special'...... My heart sank.... what was supposed to feel so good hearing him say that... felt like a dagger in my heart.... I knew this was the end... this was his last love bombing... because I took care of him....the next 2 months were horrendous... he sexually demeaning me saying awful things to me... treated me with so much cruelty... he ignored me... hoovering his exes... talking about his exes constantly.... I called him out on downloading pics of some bitch he was hoovering... he started yelling ... saying ...I ruined the relationship blah blah.. the usual mind fucking shit... then pushed me and ran..... so moral of this fucking story.... This is not going to end well for you. 😢
Free dom I will never speak to him again.... I know too much about him... the gig is up... I now know all this had nothing to do with love... abuse and love and care do not go together... he often told me.... I don't need you... I could take u or leave u... I am ok by my self.....😢😣 he has never been by himself... he needs constant supply... he is now on the prowl and chasing women like a dog in heat... it's so disgusting... I cringe at the thought that I let this creature into my heart and soul and let him touch my body..... 😣😣😣😤😤
Its all a mindfuck game with a narc. Youre probably reactive because it feels the same. It doesnt feel different and it should. But it doesnt feel different because he hasnt changed for any longer than it takes to suck you back in. Ii think when dealing with narcissist its all about how you feel....
I am getting love bombed by text as I watch this after calling out my partner last week on unacceptable behavior. I feel panicked and angry as if I am being stalked by a predator. I am going to lay down, focus on my breath and do some self acupressure. I know something is wrong. I am prioritizing my self care tonight and paying attention to my feelings. Thank you.
Oh my gosh! Don't believe a narc who pretends to be changing. I fell for this with my then husband narc!!!!! Then I took him back and he immediately was worse then before. He admitted to saying whatever he needed to say in order to get back into the house. They don't change! I was on this roller coaster for 25 years with him.
My X is always telling me he is working with me, smiling, saying sure no problem ! He pretends and is on good behavior ! Lately ! I am out of control I am in fear again I do not trust him I feel this way because he has withheld information from me and lies have been revealed !
Brandi Eckert I don't know how you do it I walked out when I started feeling fear and I was walking on egg shells daily. We didn't fight we got a long but that's it !
djanel_goldenmoon Lol....well, there are days, for certain. I don't feel like im walking on eggshells, or in constant fear of a blow up like some do. It's funny...if someone had asked me 15 years ago, i would have said that he is a stubborn Leo who loves himself a little too much. However, it has changed in recent years, and I am not even certain that he would be diagnosed as a narc, but his bad days 1-2 a month, sure seem to fit the description. I have every means to leave should I choose, so I won't walk on eggshells for too long before I would just go. How do you know that he's not more of a self centered, ego maniac, going through a mid life....thing (?) I mean, there have always been issues centered around his selfishness & unilateral decisions, but like I said, I just never read him as narcissistic before....of course, that doesn't mean he WASN'T. I have a huge house, with my own space and I tend to just go paint when he is out of sorts. If my mood changed everytime his does, i would be institutionalized by now. Takes alot to bring me down to his mood. What do YOU think?
I refuse to get back with my ex I'm still trying to figure out if he is a Narc however the traits and characteristics are there and lies have been revealed. I recently been trying to put in my head that he don't love me it's all a façade. Now that everything hit the fan and I'm slowly trying recover myself I'm starting to find myself uninterested in him, I constantly roll my eyes when he talk and let it go in one ear and out the other although he still trying to be sweet and that's what's hard to let go, but I deserve more then just an "act" and once I become uninterested and turned off that's it his actions would have to match his words on a consistent basis
This is so helpful, I became so emotionally reactive to an ex psychopath, I got away from him but carry a lot of guilt and confusion to this day. The word "resentment" was always popping up in my mind. I felt horrible because my behavior, towards the very end, was so out of character. I know I was resentful over past gaslighting, horrific things he said about and called me, severe physical abuse, and all the time and resources I felt I had wasted on him. Thank you for helping me understand my reactions and that while I couldn't have possibly controlled the abuse, I always have control over my response.
Whoa!!! I've been watching your videos for about 2 years now. Great channel. Great content. QUESTION:Did you really just refer to a particular narcissist as your mom? WHOA! Confession:I'm a 47 year old guy who's broken but empathetic. I still live with this darkness I call mother. So, you know firsthand, how they are. The MN. Thank you for shedding light on these dream-killing, crazy making, hate-filled, demonic people. Peace, blessings, and hugs. Hope Mexico is bringing you joy😁
I am not sure if I picked up on something in the Narcissist's confession that gives him away: you said it in that certain way and it perfectly resounded with my Narcissist's non-apology, apology-He may say, 'I love you, I just didn't understand what I was doing. My intention was always good. Now I can fix it so that it is right, considerate of your needs. That sounds like Sam Vaknin's 'cold empathy' and this is his concession to the victim that she is not totally making up the abuse, just, in a way, he comes out the 'misunderstood' one. 'We both suffered'-I never meant to hurt you! So now he is talking in the past.How many times did he not mean to do it but could see you suffering again and again without changing it, at the time. He just figured out, you have a point!He has no capability of gauging what is a pin prick he extracts to get his supply or what is like amputating limbs-whatever he will do, could be something else, won't repeat 'that mistake' for which he is sorry but he had endless permutations that are up the sleeves. Bottom line: you aren't safe because he cannot feel and couldn't care less and needs to gain predominance, especially if the woman seems like she's done some evolving, showing him to be inferior in some ways! The devil is in the details. Highly sensitive people can notice the ways in which he twists phrases to cover himself from being in relentless pursuit of the victim's energy!
I came across your work by searching phrases of how I felt insane due to a relationship. I had absolutely no idea what actually was occurring was gaslighting, blame shifting, and mirroring. I was completely taken aback and while watching multiple videos, I kept saying “omg yes, exactly, that is exactly what is going on here.” You feel isolated, damaged, and completely alone, even though you have a partner in your life. This man is “highly spiritual” and had, what I thought, a very open mind and different perspectives. I’ve alway had a hard time “connecting” with people as I have been told that I am a personality type INFJ, and that I’m an empath. I loved the idea of “twin flames and soul mates” unknowingly opening myself up to personality types who pray on people such as myself. I met this man and it felt like fireworks- he has the biggest, warmest smile, full of energy, and the way we openly conversed the first few times we hung out was other worldly..I felt I truly met someone as “weird” in the best way, as myself- at least someone who could relate in someway. It quickly turned to many conversations about him, he dominated most conversations and I didn’t even notice because I loved listening to him (his past was tough, and I felt terrible sorry for what he had been through). We spent a lot of time together at first, but I always felt something was...off. I could never put my finger on it. Our first “argument” was after roughly 3 months of being together and I asked if this was progressing into a committed relationship (I don’t do the casual thing). He began saying he didn’t do labels and that i shouldn’t have expectations. He said I drained him of his energy because I “wanted to much from him that he couldn’t give me.” It was meant to be a simple conversation that turned into this huge production. Over time multiple different values of mine were pointed out as “unhealthy, unbalanced, fear based, and egotistical.” He said that I projected myself onto him to emotionally manipulate him into my beliefs..I’ve never been so soul crushed in my entire life, nor has anyone ever stated such things to me. I began truly believing that I was a broken girl, with many things to “fix.” This video does address that some emotional reactions are caused by unhealed wounds that do require addressing- my belief is if you were in a true, loving relationship- your partner would be caring and understanding that your journey of self healing is a process, and support you along the way. This man made me feel shamed, belittled, and completely disgusting. The blame would always be on me for having a “emotional reaction” to him continuously bringing up his Ex, comparing us, telling me he would “never love me like he loved her as he doesn’t love that way anymore and that he couldn’t give me what I was looking for.” Say inappropriate comments and write them off as being a joke, or he was just “being him.” When he would be caring/thoughtful/loving- everything inside of me screamed that it was all fake (this is not normal for me to reject someone stating beautiful things)..the night he told me he “loved me” was about a week or so after an argument, I had pulled away, and when he said I love you- I cringed instead I feeling joy..at this point I wanted so so badly to believe him- but my insides kept screaming. He made me believe my inner voice was the one that was unhealthy and needed healing...when it really was my intuition trying desperately to defend my soul. The hardest part is the recovery phase. I wrack my brain trying to ask myself if I’m truly as messed up as he says I am, or if I just found out the true colors and saw behind the mask. Best of luck to all of you recovering from anytime of relationship that harmed your soul, brought you down, or made you question your core beliefs and values.
I kno!!?? Im a codependent from having a narc mother and the father if my children is a narc because of his crack head narc mother smh. I hope my kids don't become nother one. We have four babies together i found out what a narc was while prego with our fourth.
I ended up highly sensitive intuitive and somewhat codependent and in a relationship with a covert narc. I thought I could change him until I learned more about covert narcs. My mother is a narc and even says my husband is just like her. You think !?
I haven't seen my family in 2 years. I moved to a different continent years ago. Now that I'm planning to visit them I'm also getting reactive. My narcissistic mother is the reason. However I'm practicing mindfulness and it's been very helpful.
Yes, those feelings are a red flag! I pay attention to mine and journal about them, to clarify why I am feeling this way. Especially when I seem to have no other clear red flag that I can identify. "Somethin' ain't right" if I'm feeling unsettled, and so I try to get to the bottom of it, like a dog digging for a bone.
my jaw dropped when you happened to mention archer... an ex of mine used to do this hoovering shit all the time. he even wrote me this long journal about how sorry he was for his actions and how much he had changed when we went no contact the second or third time. i still couldn't get over the feeling something was "off," but it's only now that we're (hopefully permanently) NC that I'm starting to recognize him as a cluster b type. this is especially funny considering i was SURE his brother was struggling with antisocial personality disorder -- I can easily accept that _he_ can't experience empathy, but the idea of my ex lacking it is terrifying. why the surprise about archer? well, it happens to be one of the ex's favorite shows. he introduced me to it. so I guess the universe has its signs :) thank you for your insight and kindness as always!!!
Actually, I don't want to "heal" that I feel uncomfortable or sick in the presense of problematic people. I want to feel bad around people who are bad for me, because it helps me to know when to stay away from somebody.
Whenever my ex who I’m coparenting with does anything nice I literally have Admiral Ackbar screaming in the back of my brain “It’s a Trap!!” My favorite was always being ignored, or the love with holding, that was where the kids and I were safest...
Yes,you're correct. A narcissist who enters therapy,only comes out more manipulative. (Worse/more dangerous).♦️♥️♦️ Whole video here, is excellent!!!! .😎♥️😎
I recently found your videos and I am so thankful! Your advice and topics speak to my own experiences with my covert narcissistic mother. In the infancy stages of recovery & your videos makes me feel less alone. Sending you much love and wish you well with the move.
EXACTLY, thank you for bringing up that therapy can make them wiser (better at acting nice to manipulate you) but it doesn't change their capacity for empathy.
Cognitive dissonance started at home....feeling sorry for my own parents...I did feel sorry for 2narc lovers...have grown a lot...i recognize when I'm making excuses it is what it is...I could not get confirmation on reality in my home growing up
My late husband would go from one extreme to another: he’d agree with everything I said, and say things like “I’m being good”. But then he would hit a wall and Mr. Hyde would come out:; He’d do something nasty or I’d catch him in a lie, often a very egregious one. There was no middle ground. I wonder if that kind of behaviour is typical for narcs? I never knew what he really thought or felt about anything, even on his deathbed.
every video I watch of yours its like you know my situtaion and your speaking to me personally. That is why I have told my narc she is unoriginal. I got into a bad emotionally reactive state and she would turn it around that Im the abuser. This was after he being arrested and restraining orders. We have a 2 year old son together is why I have tried hard to make it work. She had to do anger management. She is able to control herself to where she doesnt commit violent acts but she has used that education as a tool or a weapon. She is extremely passive aggressive now. I littlerly ask her to move out everyday but she wont leave but part of me always doesnt push the issue cause I want whats best for my son.
Excellent video. Fantastic reminder of when they become kind again. Mostly that's because some other supply left the scene and he's spinning up old reliable supply. He'll probably be on the hunt again and he'll be back to his old games when someone bites. I've been thru several cycles of this. Re the polyamory vs monogamy in these situations. The polyamorous person isnt going to change, so ultimately we wont get what we need. Also, these are not truly polyamorous, because the harem doesn't have full information to participate freely in this type of relationship. They are manipulated by lies and ambiguity and rages to be part of something they may not want to be part of, if they had full information. Best of luck on the move! Exciting! Back careful and w'ell be watching and waiting for your return. 💕🙏🤞
Don't worry Meridith. There's narcissists here in Mexico too. I met my first real narc relationship here. Yeow, I was blindsided. Thanks for all your work. You are an angel
Love your videos! You are so beautiful and wise and kind. Thank you for all your advice. Best if luck with your move.! Hope Mexico turns out to be all you 'be dreamed of and more.💕
Thank god! So if I'm sitting here realizing that my fears that I might BE one....so I better go to therapy and be very sure to fix it if I am..... That most likely means I'm not....right? Cause I worry about this often lately. Yeah. Feeling in the stomach? Laughing out loud.... I'm supposed to "chat" w her tomorrow and I haven't been able to keep anything on my stomach in 48 hours due to the emotional distress I feel. Not the first time this has happened. First time she attacked me verbally in public, I nearly threw up at the familiarity of the feelings that washed over me. I froze completely but then once I got home, cried and was ill for days, realising the betrayal. That was SIX MONTHS ago! And I'm still At it. :(
In the past several weeks I'm watching these videos from you and others on narcissist and codependent. I am able to pick out all the red flags the gaslighting, abuse that has been done to me for years. And my failings to understand why I allowed it to go for so long. And that I ignored my feelings and intuition... So when my narc brought in her friend who she later started an affair with. He always creeped me out. One of the few people in my life I can never like and I cannot pinpoint why. Then I remembered the last time somebody creep me out he was a pedophile. So with these videos I am still working on building up my boundaries and strengthening my self to say no to narcissistic abuse from anyone. I have noticed a difference in myself. My mind is clear. But by all means I am not Even halfway there. I am quite aware that I have weakness for my narc. I wish I can go full no contact with her. But when children are involved that makes it impossible. Wish I found these videos six months ago. Narcissistic discard is devastating. And yes I agree. The narc this woman is talking about is setting her up again. My cheater New York told me over and over and over again that she has changed or will change and will never cheat and lie to me again. She still does it today... And yes we did the therapy thing too. She fooled us both. And as your other good video with the German therapist... Doing so make things more dangerous. Our therapist is quite good but he was fooled by her.
I'm 2 yrs physically Seperated...you are one in a million...I have studied so in depth about this disorder since that fatal day that I axidently ran into a 60 minute documentary on narcissist.. I had been drowning myself in Teal swan and Ralph Smart both focusing on forward movement. And.
thank you. i was wondering why my narcissistic mother was kind to me. my body literally feels comfortable with it. but got my mind to think objectively that it doesnt make sense...
Thank you so much for the video as I have been battleing myself about this very thing even now that I have been no contact for over a year. My ex Narc hooverd me back in, after having gone no contact for a year...he did and said all the right things to get me back in and I was so happy at first and really thought I could do it right this time...but eventually and very quickly I reverted back to my emotionally reactive self that I had been working on for the year of no contact. Of course he reverted back to his old self as well and we are now broken up for over a year, for the LAST TIME, I AM DONE.. He of course has moved on and is living w his new gf very soon after the discard. I am still healing and tend to beat myself up still about being so emotionally reactive the last go around w him. I feel it gave him and his family and flying monkeys every excuse and reason to blame all the problems on me and make me the reason it didn't work out. He seems to be doing well w his new gf and it is very difficult for me not to keep blaming myself even though I KNOW he is an abuser on all levels...cheating lieing physically abusive stealing...etc etc...he broke every relationship boundary there is. I cannot stand to watch him be Loved by yet another women as if he deserves love so much more than I do...and I am alone and painstakingly working on myself. Its so wrong on every level.
I am in the exact same situation and can't seem to move forward. We have children together so I can't go full no contact. It makes it alot harder bc the new girl and how hes changed for her is thrown in my face, on top of him trying to make this girl a mother figure to my children. Now they are making me out to be this low life incompetent mother knowing ive been the main person caring for outlr children. Im with you....why is it that they seem to have no problem finding people to love them?! Why do they always seem to be living the life and getting away with everything?!
M Sink these disordered individuals aren't finding people to love them they are finding more people to use and abuse. His new girl wont be faring better trust me they are master illusionists. He is triangulating you with her so she is already an unwitting part of his psychological warfare.These people cannot love so no matter how much the people around them change they themselves can NEVER change and this will be borne out in time. You know you are a great Mum so be strong in your ability and don't listen to those that have bad things to say about you. If they don't have belief in your good intentions then their judgement of you is invalid as it is biased and coming from an ugly, dark, ignorant place.
this video just made me want to go push my mother down a flight of stairs. Im starting to think shes truly evil :-/ She just had a whole convo with me and when i started to bring up why i feel the way i do she told me to stop pointing fingers and left the room. UGH!! i need to escape this!!!! This video helped me sooooooo much!!!!! Ty!
I feel that way about a few ppl lol. Just plain evil. They don't care but soon as ppl turn the tables on them, it's woe me, I'm such a victim. What a bunch of insane assholes smh
I want to point out something to think about for everyone who believes in “change”. First of all, you just can’t wake up in the morning and decide to change your nature. Think about yourself, your bad behaviors that you try to change constantly in life: how many of those behaviors have you actually changed? What happens is: as long as you pay a great deal of attention in what you do, sometimes you manage to correct your momentary behavior, but as soon as you go back in your routine mode and your attention span decrease, your nature kicks in, and you just go back to who you are. Mind you: I’m talking here of someone who actually wants to change: he/she just can’t. Your nature is who you are, is the results of the sum of your experiences, dating from your childhood to the present day: you can’t just snap your fingers and “change” that. Now, that doesn’t mean that nobody, ever change. Some people change, but in my experience it takes a trauma to override a trauma. Let’s say that your narc is in a part of the spectrum where he/she still can fall in love for someone else. Let’s say that this person actually fallen in love with you, but as I said before, despite realizing how bad his behavior is for the both of you, despite his best will, he can’t actually change, and ends up losing you. Losing you for real and for good. Boom: trauma of abandonment, and now he is in real trouble, because in this hypothesis he knows very well that the story ended because of him. I don’t wish a situation like this not even to my worst enemy in life. This is hell, no other words can describe the level of tortures that he’s about to inflict on his own spirit and soul just to *understand* what and why everything went wrong. At the end of this process, where he faces the worst judge of all (himself), IF he comes out still with a personality to work on, he WILL change. Literally, the person who comes out of that tunnel is a different person then the one who entered on the other end. But here’s the thing: you will never know, because at that point you will be long gone and probably wouldn’t even care about this person anymore. So, can someone change? Definitely. Can someone change just because he decide to do so? Unlikely, nature just doesn’t work that way. Have you ever seen a tree become a fish? That’s the point.
Yes you are soooo right! My ex did this to me and i instantly realized what the hell he was doing. I recognize game now and cut him off as much as possible while trying to coparent.
For those who want to understand how narcissism is created on a societal level, here's a brief summary from a Mark Passio video: "Fear creates a one way path to chaos. And, choosing ignorance over truth causes internal confusion as to what's going on in our lives and who we really are, which causes us to identify with our lower, false self (based in ego, the materially identified self) that creates internal anarchy (no self control or self respect) and drives one to externally control others! " ua-cam.com/video/5p8LMzXnXoQ/v-deo.html
Love your channel! It's so helpful! I don't know if you ever respond to comments on here but thought I would try and see. Maybe someone else has gone through something similar... (Edited to omit some details that might reveal the identity of the person in question) I have a very weird situation. I've been in multiple toxic and abusive romantic relationships, but I currently am working through one with a female "best friend." Worth mentioning, I am married to a wonderful man, thank goodness. My friendship with this woman has followed the classic pattern and stages of a narcissistically abusive relationship. The idealisation, mean and sweet cycle, devaluation with blatant comparisons, constant texting then ghosting and getting mad if I initiate contact at the "wrong time." As of this writing, I think I am mid-discard and she wants to "meet in a private place to talk about things." Last time we talked, she yelled insults at my face while I stood there feeling paralysed and crying, we talked a little, then when I tried to walk away, told me she didn't want to "end it." I feel like a human yo-yo. Part of my confusion is looking back, I realize there were undeniably strong sexual undertones and innuendo during the first two stages. Touching in slightly too intimate ways, sharing things pertaining to sex and sexuality that were inappropriate. At the time, I decided it was okay because of everything she was going through. She obviously needed someone to be there for her, and I care about her a lot (even now I still do). Plus we're both women and I'm generally ok with lady stuff and friendly affection. Awhile back, she started doing this weird thing where she'll get an idea, make vague and subtle suggestions, get me to commit or be interested and then act as though I am bothering her when I expect her to follow through, or act like I'm being creepy, or just pull out once I'm already completely committed and be like "oh I wasn't that into it anyway." Or "I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now" Like it was MY idea, when in reality it was hers. What IS THIS about? It's absolutely maddening. Anyway, to further confuse, I've been in enough romantic situations with this dynamic, that the familiarity combined with the innuendo kind of played with my feelings a little. I did not realize this was happening and at first, I felt horrified. But then realized I was probably groomed to feel these strong feelings and then manipulated to think she is innocent because I get clingy when she gets cold. The sick thing is I miss our original (pre-drama) close friendship so much it's making my heart and my insides feel sick. Our kids are very close so that sucks too. And we have mutual friends I don't want to lose. She says she wants to continue the friendship even though she seems to have a million and ten problems with me. Really vague ones like I "don't understand anything" or she "has the right to talk to whomever she wants or NOT and it's none of my business." I'm just confused because we were close and she keeps going back to that... But then, not really. Should I bother trying to talk with her? Is there any hope we can still be at peace? And what about this nagging thought that maybe I'm a crazy creeper and that's why she's discarding? What about my kids' close friendship with hers? Sorry this is so long. Thanks again for an informative channel! I know you might not respond but maybe someone else can if not.
I have. a narc boyfriend an all I can say is your "friend" sounds like she's NOT GOOD ASSOCIATE.. I MEAN HOW CAN THAT BE A KIND FRIEND. KINDNESS IS ALL THAT MATTERS.GOOD LUCK💚
Oooh! Sweety, you’re moving to narc/central! My family and I ran from the horrible racism and violence that’s so prevalent there. No matter the social class. Btw, classism is huge. Anyway. Good luck to you and I look forward to more of your videos.
There’s definitely a lot of it in Latin America. But I just spent a couple days in Miami to pick up a package and holy hell talk about narc central!! I thought LA was fake, pretentious, narcissistic but LA ain’t got nothing on Miami!! Now I know why my ex husband likes living there 😂
I find the feigned niceness (in public, of course!) incredibly creepy. It feels just as abusive as the cruelty. Offensive, in that they expect you to be happy to see them! And not remember any of the very good reasons why you are not. Some are very well aware that you prefer no contact, but will do this loudly as a last resort. Abusive!
My narc is starting to Hoover and I've been feeling extremely cautious, I've been trying to be distant, but had started letting my guard down, I even started questioning if he was actually a co-dependent, I purposely started looking at more and more videos for emotional support. We started to go into a Hoover cycle last week and I shut it down by not accepting the narc's kindness. This time I accept the kindness and we're talking, it's calm- he's out of the isolation stage, or the ice king stage- I see it more and more now- the pattern- my stomach feels twisted- I need more self care and I can do that by going to get a professional massage like I've been thinking about for over a week.
Dear Meredith, Wishing you the very best with your transition to thriving... and thank you so VERY much for all you have shared and given. It has helped me so much. I am grateful to you. Big hug back to you. : ) Sincerely, Esme
Mine has been so nice now because I'm going away for a few weeks. Do not know what is up with that like he doesn't remember, so easy to fall into that. I am still going away, looking forward to change. I will re-read my journal to remember what happened to me.
WOW--moving to Mexico!!! Sounds awesome and exciting. I hope she takes and sets up the lighted bookcases! I am fascinated about the lighting in those cases.
Yvonne els...YES YES YES. Such a waste. It strikes me as a satanic attitude. So unnecessary behavior from narc. Elicits such need for your love, then scarily discards you. Enialates you. So hard. So hard to wake up to.
When a narc is ‘being kind’ they are setting you up with cheap gifts so you will feel obliged to reciprocate at three to four times what they gave. Never take kindness from a narc. Its cruelty behind a very thin mask.
Its often because someone else told them to F off
Exactly, they hook u with obligation
It's never kindness it's just manipulation.
Well said
My whole life, my mother blamed me for behavior that was actually a reaction to her abuse. My getting irritated and upset was used against me time and time again.
I can not describe how painful and at the same time freeing it is to realize that it was not me who was at fault. I have come to realize that even though your mind can be manipulated, if something doesn’t feel right (makes you feel or react in a certain way, even if you don’t realize it at the time), it most probably isn’t. Trust your gut, even of you cannot explain it (yet).
I was told to “calm down” and “be calm” continuously by my mother, my ex and even my son. I thought I was the crazy explosive one. This thought me to not trust my thinking and judgment of other people. So I had to ask mother for approval of everything I said or thought, almost. Thank God for Meredith and for the book she recommends “Mothers who cannot love”.
Exactly!!
The narc knows all the subtle little triggers to set you off. I am generally pretty calm, easy going, and agreeable, but the narc I know had me going off. I remember wondering what came over me! Well, I started paying closer attention. I remember telling her years ago that I absolutely hate ultimatums. One day I noticed she was trying to get me to argue. After we started arguing she said if you're not happy with me I can just take you home. She used a number of my triggers. A subtle ultimatum. Holding my desire to be with her over my head to get her way. My fear of being deserted. I don't think any of what she put me through was an accident. Narcs know just how to get under your skin and it's not always obvious. You have to pay close attention.
Troy Carpenter YES! We used to end up arguing about not arguing. How crazy is that! I'd say I don't want to argue, and that would set him off! Hang in there.
Troy Carpenter Yes I believe he enjoys me acting emotional and crazy.
Troy Carpenter why is it sociopaths are different then narcissts?
Troy Carpenter Ohhh man Troy! I hope the narcs I have contact with get amnesia somehow lol
Yes! Every trigger that I had my ex-narc tried to trip - *every* time we got together, close to the end, he said, "So, you want to live alone.", knowing that I had always broken down in tears when he would make such a "pronouncement" and I'd usually get terrified of him leaving.
This time though, I stopped and thought and replied, "I'd rather live alone for the right reasons that be with someone who doesn't truly love me for myself."
You should have seen his *face*! It was like I'd slapped him full on!
He is not changing...run
🏃♀️🏃♀️
especially if a narc says " I forgive you...) for going no contact or whatever...ruuuunnnnn
Larklouise Winslow Honduras has it the worse .
Isn't it funny how nice a guy can be when he senses you've had enough of the BS? I've come to the conclusion that even if he has actually and finally seen the light I owe it to myself to feel free to leave if I decide I've wasted enough time and am worried that he's just manipulating again. What I owe to myself outweighs what I owe to him or anybody else.
Yeah I've noticed that
That is so true what you said that you get that uncomfortable pit in your stomach. Because besides that nothing else is tangible when you are dealing with a person like that.
This happened to me like a million times, and I only just understand it now. I used to think "well he can't be a narcissist, because he is always so kind, and the other people describing their narcissist say that they are very demeaning in their words and actions, and my narcissist wasn't" But now I completely understand what he did and how. He used kindness to trap me, cause that was what I needed the most, and he always ALWAYS punished me after the kindness - in very sophisticated covert ways usually with the silen treatment, and acting indifferent. So thank you to the person asking the question, and to you Meredith for answering it.
Yes! I relate.
I absolutely love listening to you. You're so easy to listen to and super knowledgeable. This channel is better than a professional therapy session by far, and I'm forever thankful for finding you. Thank you so very much! xo
She is very easy on the eyes too that helps lol
I am getting a great benefit listening to this as well.
NARCs TEACH U TO LOVE URSELF !!!!!!!! U'RE USUALLY LOW ON SELF LOVE , I USE TO BE ' LOW ON SELF LOVE !!!!!!
Yasss, to set boundaries
I went through this not too long ago. My EX hoovered hard. I tried to be "friends" because it was expected of me from some people. He made every moment an event we did spectacular! But I was emotionally reactive too. I was angry that he felt he could make everything "fun" and make us look happy, despite the crap he put me through. I was working hard on myself to make up for the damage he cause. I was also on edge waiting for the next abuse or triangulation. I was the one who looked like I had issues. The truth is, its broken, you won't be happy with that person again! the past pattern of behavior is a pretty accurate prediction of future behavior. More than likely they want to use you for something again, they are gathering information from you, they don't want you to move on without them. It is all mirroring, an act, a con, to get what THEY need. They also have a backup plan calculated if you don't give in, so don't.
happy a this address cluster a and cluster c?
You're right! Thanks for your insightful comment, @AN M ! I've had a hard time figuring out why he's suddenly being so kin & helpful a I am launching our on my own without him. Due to the pandemic, and only having JUST NOW started a job, we did talk on his request (I've been grey rock for about 2 months ) about where this is going. I didn't give a lot of detail, just reminded him that my separation plan involves getting my own place. We've been separated under same roof for about 3 wks now, due to pandemic, and my need to save up money and actually FIND a place. We agreed to behave like adults, no need to be hateful or ugly. It's is what it is and it is just broken, like you said. It will never be the same. And he has no interest in changing .(He's a covert N.) But he's being SO kind and helpful beyond me staying in our home: it's largely offers to pay for this or that, give me some money to put in a place, give me one of the cars, out it in my name, etc. Practical help, lots of it.
I will definitely take it, I deserve it after the crap I've tolerated for 36 years....but there will be NO reciprocation bu me, if that's what he's a king for ! I'm done for sure. Just have to figure out the "surviving" part, and remember that the "thriving " and freedom, will follow that!
She feels that way because she doesn't trust him!
There's always an alterior motive when psychopaths are acting nice.
Exactly!!
Was addicted to excitment with narc...Went no contact ,was always aware what he was but choose to play with fire...The price in too high to stick around.... Lucky escape
I can not believe that people can be so deceitful. Especially if they are supposed to love you, that is why they choose to be in your life right. I can not believe that I must protect myself so much. I'm tired. Why???? I'm so upset. Everything is so painful.
Normal people don't say they love you then punish you for being stupid enough to believe it.
Reese Daniel so very true.
+Reese Daniel true that!!
yvonne els Keeping up with their games exhausts us mentally and physically. In light and love
yvonne els I hear ya.
In retrospect, my ex-narc spent literally *hours* trying to convince me to "give up" my "anxiety". "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you just stopped being *afraid*? What would happen if you gave up that fear? What would that be like?"
Well, for one, I'd've quit listening to my gut and wouldn't have been monitoring my situation with him at all and he'd've been able to spring any traps that my instinct was detecting! That, I think was the main thing he didn't like about me - I could sense when he wasn't being genuine, (which was pretty much *all the time*!), and I was becoming more and more on guard for when he'd try to pull some drama on me.
Your video just blew me away. Need a good cry. Trying to find my inner guidance system again. Godspeed.
Wow Meredith, You really have the narc patterns down pat. My mother was the most obvious, outlandish narc you could ever know. So like you, I see the behaviors so clearly. My mother was born in the sign of Scorpio. Long before I knew the word narcissist or really understood what that meant, I heard the story of the Scorpion and the Frog. Basically, the scorpion convinces the frog to give him a ride across a river. The frog knew it was a bad idea, but the scorpion was very convincing. Once they got half across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. The frog was dying and going down. He didn't understand, the scorpion would drown too. He asked the scorpion "WHY? You said you wouldn't sting me?" All the scorpion could say was "Sorry, it's just my NATURE."
Queens Little Corner I always remember this from the movie The Crying Game...pity I didn’t heed it more! So true
It’s an act! Tell him no to something he wants, or don’t respond right away when he calls or texts- his true self will
Come through. He wants something from you and will show YOU what YOU want to see. RUN! Change your number and leave with the power you now have! It happened to me. Came to my house with tears, sorrow and apologies. I should have never answered the door! listen to your gut instincts.
This video is right on point! can't tell you how many times i wondered why am i getting frustrated just by listening "normal" conversation with my narc. But the problem really ware that feeling that things aren't right, our relationship is shit, other person acts like everything is perfectly fine and i'm like boiling inside, because deep inside i know i'm being played and already been thru this shit many times.
So as the time goes by and you suppress all that crap down your throat, you are getting more and more frustrated, feelings build up inside to the point when all the shit doesn't have anywhere more where to go, it's spilling outside and in one moment you act quite rude or something like that. But that's not you. You are not the rude person in general. It's quite opposite, and if someone (outsider )would look at you, you would look like a shitty person. But they don't know...
At the moment when it's over the top listening to this fake person, and you burst seemingly for no reason, that is the moment when at least my narc was saying "aha, look at you and your behavior, you are negative, bla bla bla...". In that moment any and I mean any problem that you wanted to talk about and what you said that is maybe bothering you, or the other person is doing to you is NON EXISTENT, only problem that narc is talking about is why you yelled, and that's it. You are the crazy one, for the xy time.
Frustration is just getting worse and worse with the time, you are loosing yourself more the more you are in that toxic relationship. Get out!!
Thank you for your comment. That describes exactly what was happening to me. My mother was superficial and boring and I was getting so mad inside at her lack of involvement and the warmth that I always wished for. She was acting sort of “out of it” for some time, and then one day she created a fight with my brother because I exploded. She was texting him right there as I was crying and couldn’t calm down. I am still pretty shook up after learning and realizing she never really felt love or compassion toward me.
It's a trick. They're telling you what they know you want to hear. The emotional reaction is happening because you're picking up on the energetic LIE.
I've been sucked into this so many times I've lost count.
The moment I have an emotional reaction with anyone now, I RUN!
Thank you, Meredith. Narcs have hooked me this way too many times, including family members. They are so good at fooling me and there's this part of me that wants to believe that there is good in these people. Then they attack.
I can predict my narcissist ex. I know him better than he knows himself.
- there is no win win situation dealing with a narcissist. There in a world of their own. There very destructive and have way more expectations on others than themselves.
My finale discard.... He got ill... I had to call 911 and stayed 2 days with him in hospital... when we came home... he held my hands, crying and said ....' you are so special'......
My heart sank.... what was supposed to feel so good hearing him say that... felt like a dagger in my heart.... I knew this was the end... this was his last love bombing... because I took care of him....the next 2 months were horrendous... he sexually demeaning me saying awful things to me... treated me with so much cruelty... he ignored me... hoovering his exes... talking about his exes constantly.... I called him out on downloading pics of some bitch he was hoovering... he started yelling ... saying ...I ruined the relationship blah blah.. the usual mind fucking shit... then pushed me and ran.....
so moral of this fucking story.... This is not going to end well for you. 😢
Free dom I will never speak to him again.... I know too much about him... the gig is up... I now know all this had nothing to do with love... abuse and love and care do not go together... he often told me.... I don't need you... I could take u or leave u... I am ok by my self.....😢😣
he has never been by himself... he needs constant supply... he is now on the prowl and chasing women like a dog in heat... it's so disgusting... I cringe at the thought that I let this creature into my heart and soul and let him touch my body..... 😣😣😣😤😤
Its all a mindfuck game with a narc. Youre probably reactive because it feels the same. It doesnt feel different and it should. But it doesnt feel different because he hasnt changed for any longer than it takes to suck you back in. Ii think when dealing with narcissist its all about how you feel....
Christy McKee so very true
You summed it up in 4 sentences. Wrote a comment before but, nothing more to add. Spot on.
I am getting love bombed by text as I watch this after calling out my partner last week on unacceptable behavior. I feel panicked and angry as if I am being stalked by a predator. I am going to lay down, focus on my breath and do some self acupressure. I know something is wrong. I am prioritizing my self care tonight and paying attention to my feelings. Thank you.
Wow. Permission to turn my attention to me and make myself better.
Oh my gosh! Don't believe a narc who pretends to be changing. I fell for this with my then husband narc!!!!! Then I took him back and he immediately was worse then before. He admitted to saying whatever he needed to say in order to get back into the house. They don't change! I was on this roller coaster for 25 years with him.
My X is always telling me he is working with me, smiling, saying sure no problem ! He pretends and is on good behavior ! Lately ! I am out of control I am in fear again I do not trust him I feel this way because he has withheld information from me and lies have been revealed !
RC COCINACORRADI I can totally relate....only I have been married to mine for 20 years!!
Brandi Eckert I don't know how you do it I walked out when I started feeling fear and I was walking on egg shells daily. We didn't fight we got a long but that's it !
RC COCINACORRADI. He's much more on the spectrum towards mild I'm sure.
Brandi Eckert if you feel better with that
djanel_goldenmoon Lol....well, there are days, for certain. I don't feel like im walking on eggshells, or in constant fear of a blow up like some do. It's funny...if someone had asked me 15 years ago, i would have said that he is a stubborn Leo who loves himself a little too much. However, it has changed in recent years, and I am not even certain that he would be diagnosed as a narc, but his bad days 1-2 a month, sure seem to fit the description. I have every means to leave should I choose, so I won't walk on eggshells for too long before I would just go. How do you know that he's not more of a self centered, ego maniac, going through a mid life....thing (?) I mean, there have always been issues centered around his selfishness & unilateral decisions, but like I said, I just never read him as narcissistic before....of course, that doesn't mean he WASN'T. I have a huge house, with my own space and I tend to just go paint when he is out of sorts. If my mood changed everytime his does, i would be institutionalized by now. Takes alot to bring me down to his mood. What do YOU think?
I refuse to get back with my ex I'm still trying to figure out if he is a Narc however the traits and characteristics are there and lies have been revealed. I recently been trying to put in my head that he don't love me it's all a façade. Now that everything hit the fan and I'm slowly trying recover myself I'm starting to find myself uninterested in him, I constantly roll my eyes when he talk and let it go in one ear and out the other although he still trying to be sweet and that's what's hard to let go, but I deserve more then just an "act" and once I become uninterested and turned off that's it his actions would have to match his words on a consistent basis
This is so helpful, I became so emotionally reactive to an ex psychopath, I got away from him but carry a lot of guilt and confusion to this day. The word "resentment" was always popping up in my mind. I felt horrible because my behavior, towards the very end, was so out of character. I know I was resentful over past gaslighting, horrific things he said about and called me, severe physical abuse, and all the time and resources I felt I had wasted on him. Thank you for helping me understand my reactions and that while I couldn't have possibly controlled the abuse, I always have control over my response.
Whoa!!! I've been watching your videos for about 2 years now. Great channel. Great content. QUESTION:Did you really just refer to a particular narcissist as your mom? WHOA! Confession:I'm a 47 year old guy who's broken but empathetic. I still live with this darkness I call mother. So, you know firsthand, how they are. The MN. Thank you for shedding light on these dream-killing, crazy making, hate-filled, demonic people. Peace, blessings, and hugs. Hope Mexico is bringing you joy😁
I am not sure if I picked up on something in the Narcissist's confession that gives him away: you said it in that certain way and it perfectly resounded with my Narcissist's non-apology, apology-He may say, 'I love you, I just didn't understand what I was doing. My intention was always good. Now I can fix it so that it is right, considerate of your needs. That sounds like Sam Vaknin's 'cold empathy' and this is his concession to the victim that she is not totally making up the abuse, just, in a way, he comes out the 'misunderstood' one. 'We both suffered'-I never meant to hurt you! So now he is talking in the past.How many times did he not mean to do it but could see you suffering again and again without changing it, at the time. He just figured out, you have a point!He has no capability of gauging what is a pin prick he extracts to get his supply or what is like amputating limbs-whatever he will do, could be something else, won't repeat 'that mistake' for which he is sorry but he had endless permutations that are up the sleeves. Bottom line: you aren't safe because he cannot feel and couldn't care less and needs to gain predominance, especially if the woman seems like she's done some evolving, showing him to be inferior in some ways!
The devil is in the details. Highly sensitive people can notice the ways in which he twists phrases to cover himself from being in relentless pursuit of the victim's energy!
This is my husband!
I came across your work by searching phrases of how I felt insane due to a relationship. I had absolutely no idea what actually was occurring was gaslighting, blame shifting, and mirroring. I was completely taken aback and while watching multiple videos, I kept saying “omg yes, exactly, that is exactly what is going on here.” You feel isolated, damaged, and completely alone, even though you have a partner in your life. This man is “highly spiritual” and had, what I thought, a very open mind and different perspectives. I’ve alway had a hard time “connecting” with people as I have been told that I am a personality type INFJ, and that I’m an empath. I loved the idea of “twin flames and soul mates” unknowingly opening myself up to personality types who pray on people such as myself. I met this man and it felt like fireworks- he has the biggest, warmest smile, full of energy, and the way we openly conversed the first few times we hung out was other worldly..I felt I truly met someone as “weird” in the best way, as myself- at least someone who could relate in someway. It quickly turned to many conversations about him, he dominated most conversations and I didn’t even notice because I loved listening to him (his past was tough, and I felt terrible sorry for what he had been through). We spent a lot of time together at first, but I always felt something was...off. I could never put my finger on it. Our first “argument” was after roughly 3 months of being together and I asked if this was progressing into a committed relationship (I don’t do the casual thing). He began saying he didn’t do labels and that i shouldn’t have expectations. He said I drained him of his energy because I “wanted to much from him that he couldn’t give me.” It was meant to be a simple conversation that turned into this huge production. Over time multiple different values of mine were pointed out as “unhealthy, unbalanced, fear based, and egotistical.” He said that I projected myself onto him to emotionally manipulate him into my beliefs..I’ve never been so soul crushed in my entire life, nor has anyone ever stated such things to me. I began truly believing that I was a broken girl, with many things to “fix.” This video does address that some emotional reactions are caused by unhealed wounds that do require addressing- my belief is if you were in a true, loving relationship- your partner would be caring and understanding that your journey of self healing is a process, and support you along the way. This man made me feel shamed, belittled, and completely disgusting. The blame would always be on me for having a “emotional reaction” to him continuously bringing up his Ex, comparing us, telling me he would “never love me like he loved her as he doesn’t love that way anymore and that he couldn’t give me what I was looking for.” Say inappropriate comments and write them off as being a joke, or he was just “being him.” When he would be caring/thoughtful/loving- everything inside of me screamed that it was all fake (this is not normal for me to reject someone stating beautiful things)..the night he told me he “loved me” was about a week or so after an argument, I had pulled away, and when he said I love you- I cringed instead I feeling joy..at this point I wanted so so badly to believe him- but my insides kept screaming. He made me believe my inner voice was the one that was unhealthy and needed healing...when it really was my intuition trying desperately to defend my soul.
The hardest part is the recovery phase. I wrack my brain trying to ask myself if I’m truly as messed up as he says I am, or if I just found out the true colors and saw behind the mask.
Best of luck to all of you recovering from anytime of relationship that harmed your soul, brought you down, or made you question your core beliefs and values.
how is it that some people have narc mothers and end up narc themselves and others become codependant ?
Dorica Tmn That's a damn good question.
I kno!!?? Im a codependent from having a narc mother and the father if my children is a narc because of his crack head narc mother smh. I hope my kids don't become nother one. We have four babies together i found out what a narc was while prego with our fourth.
I ended up highly sensitive intuitive and somewhat codependent and in a relationship with a covert narc. I thought I could change him until I learned more about covert narcs. My mother is a narc and even says my husband is just like her. You think !?
@@enzoorciuoli328 Amen to that. Freewill , our choice.
Right!!!! Something I always wanted to know🤔
I haven't seen my family in 2 years. I moved to a different continent years ago. Now that I'm planning to visit them I'm also getting reactive. My narcissistic mother is the reason. However I'm practicing mindfulness and it's been very helpful.
Yes, those feelings are a red flag! I pay attention to mine and journal about them, to clarify why I am feeling this way. Especially when I seem to have no other clear red flag that I can identify. "Somethin' ain't right" if I'm feeling unsettled, and so I try to get to the bottom of it, like a dog digging for a bone.
Crying rn because why can't people be kind because it's the kind thing to do. Like kindess from my family shouldn't feel this scary
my jaw dropped when you happened to mention archer... an ex of mine used to do this hoovering shit all the time. he even wrote me this long journal about how sorry he was for his actions and how much he had changed when we went no contact the second or third time. i still couldn't get over the feeling something was "off," but it's only now that we're (hopefully permanently) NC that I'm starting to recognize him as a cluster b type. this is especially funny considering i was SURE his brother was struggling with antisocial personality disorder -- I can easily accept that _he_ can't experience empathy, but the idea of my ex lacking it is terrifying.
why the surprise about archer? well, it happens to be one of the ex's favorite shows. he introduced me to it. so I guess the universe has its signs :)
thank you for your insight and kindness as always!!!
Actually, I don't want to "heal" that I feel uncomfortable or sick in the presense of problematic people. I want to feel bad around people who are bad for me, because it helps me to know when to stay away from somebody.
It is a trap. Trap always nice. People trap mouse with cheese not with poison. lol
True. "Nice" does not equal "Good".
True. "Nice" does not equal "Good".
thiery572 sociopaths show no attention seeking there loners .
Such wise words😐sadly I learned that the hard way ☹
True to that one!
Going thru this now. He's so nice but I don't feel right about it. I would love to believe it's real but my inner self is sensing somethings up.
I love when you say it is our responsibility to heal our self 🌷 makes me feel in control
Whenever my ex who I’m coparenting with does anything nice I literally have Admiral Ackbar screaming in the back of my brain “It’s a Trap!!” My favorite was always being ignored, or the love with holding, that was where the kids and I were safest...
Yes,you're correct.
A narcissist who enters therapy,only comes out more manipulative. (Worse/more dangerous).♦️♥️♦️
Whole video here, is excellent!!!! .😎♥️😎
I recently found your videos and I am so thankful! Your advice and topics speak to my own experiences with my covert narcissistic mother. In the infancy stages of recovery & your videos makes me feel less alone. Sending you much love and wish you well with the move.
EXACTLY, thank you for bringing up that therapy can make them wiser (better at acting nice to manipulate you) but it doesn't change their capacity for empathy.
Cognitive dissonance started at home....feeling sorry for my own parents...I did feel sorry for 2narc lovers...have grown a lot...i recognize when I'm making excuses it is what it is...I could not get confirmation on reality in my home growing up
My late husband would go from one extreme to another: he’d agree with everything I said, and say things like “I’m being good”. But then he would hit a wall and Mr. Hyde would come out:; He’d do something nasty or I’d catch him in a lie, often a very egregious one. There was no middle ground. I wonder if that kind of behaviour is typical for narcs? I never knew what he really thought or felt about anything, even on his deathbed.
Meredith, again thank you for your kind word of encouragement. Love and Light ...
every video I watch of yours its like you know my situtaion and your speaking to me personally. That is why I have told my narc she is unoriginal. I got into a bad emotionally reactive state and she would turn it around that Im the abuser. This was after he being arrested and restraining orders. We have a 2 year old son together is why I have tried hard to make it work. She had to do anger management. She is able to control herself to where she doesnt commit violent acts but she has used that education as a tool or a weapon. She is extremely passive aggressive now. I littlerly ask her to move out everyday but she wont leave but part of me always doesnt push the issue cause I want whats best for my son.
Excellent video. Fantastic reminder of when they become kind again. Mostly that's because some other supply left the scene and he's spinning up old reliable supply. He'll probably be on the hunt again and he'll be back to his old games when someone bites.
I've been thru several cycles of this.
Re the polyamory vs monogamy in these situations. The polyamorous person isnt going to change, so ultimately we wont get what we need.
Also, these are not truly polyamorous, because the harem doesn't have full information to participate freely in this type of relationship. They are manipulated by lies and ambiguity and rages to be part of something they may not want to be part of, if they had full information.
Best of luck on the move! Exciting! Back careful and w'ell be watching and waiting for your return.
💕🙏🤞
Don't worry Meridith. There's narcissists here in Mexico too. I met my first real narc relationship here. Yeow, I was blindsided. Thanks for all your work. You are an angel
Love your videos! You are so beautiful and wise and kind. Thank you for all your advice. Best if luck with your move.! Hope Mexico turns out to be all you 'be dreamed of and more.💕
Thank god! So if I'm sitting here realizing that my fears that I might BE one....so I better go to therapy and be very sure to fix it if I am..... That most likely means I'm not....right? Cause I worry about this often lately.
Yeah. Feeling in the stomach? Laughing out loud.... I'm supposed to "chat" w her tomorrow and I haven't been able to keep anything on my stomach in 48 hours due to the emotional distress I feel. Not the first time this has happened. First time she attacked me verbally in public, I nearly threw up at the familiarity of the feelings that washed over me. I froze completely but then once I got home, cried and was ill for days, realising the betrayal. That was SIX MONTHS ago! And I'm still
At it. :(
AmaindeJD coverts project that on to you. If you feel remorse you are not one. Xoxo
In the past several weeks I'm watching these videos from you and others on narcissist and codependent. I am able to pick out all the red flags the gaslighting, abuse that has been done to me for years. And my failings to understand why I allowed it to go for so long. And that I ignored my feelings and intuition... So when my narc brought in her friend who she later started an affair with. He always creeped me out. One of the few people in my life I can never like and I cannot pinpoint why. Then I remembered the last time somebody creep me out he was a pedophile.
So with these videos I am still working on building up my boundaries and strengthening my self to say no to narcissistic abuse from anyone. I have noticed a difference in myself. My mind is clear. But by all means I am not Even halfway there.
I am quite aware that I have weakness for my narc. I wish I can go full no contact with her. But when children are involved that makes it impossible.
Wish I found these videos six months ago. Narcissistic discard is devastating.
And yes I agree. The narc this woman is talking about is setting her up again. My cheater New York told me over and over and over again that she has changed or will change and will never cheat and lie to me again. She still does it today... And yes we did the therapy thing too. She fooled us both. And as your other good video with the German therapist... Doing so make things more dangerous. Our therapist is quite good but he was fooled by her.
This was sooo good to hear and take in. Thank you so much.
I'm 2 yrs physically Seperated...you are one in a million...I have studied so in depth about this disorder since that fatal day that I axidently ran into a 60 minute documentary on narcissist..
I had been drowning myself in Teal swan and Ralph Smart both focusing on forward movement. And.
We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.
thank you. i was wondering why my narcissistic mother was kind to me. my body literally feels comfortable with it. but got my mind to think objectively that it doesnt make sense...
Awesome! Love your channel. No is a complete sentence
Thank you so much for the video as I have been battleing myself about this very thing even now that I have been no contact for over a year. My ex Narc hooverd me back in, after having gone no contact for a year...he did and said all the right things to get me back in and I was so happy at first and really thought I could do it right this time...but eventually and very quickly I reverted back to my emotionally reactive self that I had been working on for the year of no contact. Of course he reverted back to his old self as well and we are now broken up for over a year, for the LAST TIME, I AM DONE.. He of course has moved on and is living w his new gf very soon after the discard. I am still healing and tend to beat myself up still about being so emotionally reactive the last go around w him. I feel it gave him and his family and flying monkeys every excuse and reason to blame all the problems on me and make me the reason it didn't work out. He seems to be doing well w his new gf and it is very difficult for me not to keep blaming myself even though I KNOW he is an abuser on all levels...cheating lieing physically abusive stealing...etc etc...he broke every relationship boundary there is. I cannot stand to watch him be Loved by yet another women as if he deserves love so much more than I do...and I am alone and painstakingly working on myself. Its so wrong on every level.
I am in the exact same situation and can't seem to move forward. We have children together so I can't go full no contact. It makes it alot harder bc the new girl and how hes changed for her is thrown in my face, on top of him trying to make this girl a mother figure to my children. Now they are making me out to be this low life incompetent mother knowing ive been the main person caring for outlr children. Im with you....why is it that they seem to have no problem finding people to love them?! Why do they always seem to be living the life and getting away with everything?!
Tanya Depoalo It doesn't matter what they think. Your sanity comes first. Let it go, so you can open up for someone new.
M Sink these disordered individuals aren't finding people to love them they are finding more people to use and abuse. His new girl wont be faring better trust me they are master illusionists. He is triangulating you with her so she is already an unwitting part of his psychological warfare.These people cannot love so no matter how much the people around them change they themselves can NEVER change and this will be borne out in time. You know you are a great Mum so be strong in your ability and don't listen to those that have bad things to say about you. If they don't have belief in your good intentions then their judgement of you is invalid as it is biased and coming from an ugly, dark, ignorant place.
:-(
I have that pit in my stomach all the time but it's from my family and friends not a lover.
So excited for you! May your move go smoothly. :)
Thank you very much. I'll keep asking those three questions every day. Then for myself I'll face the problem.
this video just made me want to go push my mother down a flight of stairs. Im starting to think shes truly evil :-/ She just had a whole convo with me and when i started to bring up why i feel the way i do she told me to stop pointing fingers and left the room. UGH!! i need to escape this!!!! This video helped me sooooooo much!!!!! Ty!
I feel that way about a few ppl lol. Just plain evil. They don't care but soon as ppl turn the tables on them, it's woe me, I'm such a victim. What a bunch of insane assholes smh
wow, glad I ran across this. I've had several relationships with Narc's, realizing I may be causing this myself. Nice to see like minded people
Trust your intuition
I want to point out something to think about for everyone who believes in “change”. First of all, you just can’t wake up in the morning and decide to change your nature. Think about yourself, your bad behaviors that you try to change constantly in life: how many of those behaviors have you actually changed? What happens is: as long as you pay a great deal of attention in what you do, sometimes you manage to correct your momentary behavior, but as soon as you go back in your routine mode and your attention span decrease, your nature kicks in, and you just go back to who you are.
Mind you: I’m talking here of someone who actually wants to change: he/she just can’t. Your nature is who you are, is the results of the sum of your experiences, dating from your childhood to the present day: you can’t just snap your fingers and “change” that.
Now, that doesn’t mean that nobody, ever change. Some people change, but in my experience it takes a trauma to override a trauma. Let’s say that your narc is in a part of the spectrum where he/she still can fall in love for someone else. Let’s say that this person actually fallen in love with you, but as I said before, despite realizing how bad his behavior is for the both of you, despite his best will, he can’t actually change, and ends up losing you. Losing you for real and for good. Boom: trauma of abandonment, and now he is in real trouble, because in this hypothesis he knows very well that the story ended because of him. I don’t wish a situation like this not even to my worst enemy in life. This is hell, no other words can describe the level of tortures that he’s about to inflict on his own spirit and soul just to *understand* what and why everything went wrong. At the end of this process, where he faces the worst judge of all (himself), IF he comes out still with a personality to work on, he WILL change. Literally, the person who comes out of that tunnel is a different person then the one who entered on the other end.
But here’s the thing: you will never know, because at that point you will be long gone and probably wouldn’t even care about this person anymore. So, can someone change? Definitely. Can someone change just because he decide to do so? Unlikely, nature just doesn’t work that way. Have you ever seen a tree become a fish? That’s the point.
Danger zone is when I’m in a family gathering with my sis. I ask myself something not right. Thx for the reminders🙏💜
I agree with you regarding no long term change being probable, even with therapy.
Best wishes to you for the new place!!! Thank you for you're AWSOME work ! Helps so much! 💜hugs!
Yes you are soooo right! My ex did this to me and i instantly realized what the hell he was doing. I recognize game now and cut him off as much as possible while trying to coparent.
So exciting!! Can't wait to hear and watch more about your move! God bless you, Coach Meredith!
My mom is the exact same way.. thank you for this. I can't go back to her and thank you for helping me realize that :)
I am breaking the no contact too :( my empathy also increases knowing he has a mental disorder.
the Only ' thing will help with a Narc ; NOT GIVING ANY EMOTIONS TO THEM AT ALL ------ STAY NEUTRAL
Congratulations on this new decision! and all the best x
I just found your video. Thank you so much!! Thank you for your work, your knowledge.
I ran into a narc from Iraq on Facebook very strange to have it come from here but more than one
You are Goooood😎👍🏽
Keep the good work flowing sister 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼
I soooo needed this video today. Thank you 🙏🏼💕
Also, loved the archer reference 😆👍🏼
For those who want to understand how narcissism is created on a societal level, here's a brief summary from a Mark Passio video: "Fear creates a one way path to chaos. And, choosing ignorance over truth causes internal confusion as to what's going on in our lives and who we really are, which causes us to identify with our lower, false self (based in ego, the materially identified self) that creates internal anarchy (no self control or self respect) and drives one to externally control others! " ua-cam.com/video/5p8LMzXnXoQ/v-deo.html
He started saying I waz being aggressive. He never used that word before until Therapy.
Love your channel! It's so helpful! I don't know if you ever respond to comments on here but thought I would try and see. Maybe someone else has gone through something similar...
(Edited to omit some details that might reveal the identity of the person in question)
I have a very weird situation. I've been in multiple toxic and abusive romantic relationships, but I currently am working through one with a female "best friend." Worth mentioning, I am married to a wonderful man, thank goodness.
My friendship with this woman has followed the classic pattern and stages of a narcissistically abusive relationship. The idealisation, mean and sweet cycle, devaluation with blatant comparisons, constant texting then ghosting and getting mad if I initiate contact at the "wrong time."
As of this writing, I think I am mid-discard and she wants to "meet in a private place to talk about things." Last time we talked, she yelled insults at my face while I stood there feeling paralysed and crying, we talked a little, then when I tried to walk away, told me she didn't want to "end it." I feel like a human yo-yo.
Part of my confusion is looking back, I realize there were undeniably strong sexual undertones and innuendo during the first two stages. Touching in slightly too intimate ways, sharing things pertaining to sex and sexuality that were inappropriate. At the time, I decided it was okay because of everything she was going through. She obviously needed someone to be there for her, and I care about her a lot (even now I still do). Plus we're both women and I'm generally ok with lady stuff and friendly affection.
Awhile back, she started doing this weird thing where she'll get an idea, make vague and subtle suggestions, get me to commit or be interested and then act as though I am bothering her when I expect her to follow through, or act like I'm being creepy, or just pull out once I'm already completely committed and be like "oh I wasn't that into it anyway." Or "I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now" Like it was MY idea, when in reality it was hers.
What IS THIS about? It's absolutely maddening.
Anyway, to further confuse, I've been in enough romantic situations with this dynamic, that the familiarity combined with the innuendo kind of played with my feelings a little. I did not realize this was happening and at first, I felt horrified. But then realized I was probably groomed to feel these strong feelings and then manipulated to think she is innocent because I get clingy when she gets cold.
The sick thing is I miss our original (pre-drama) close friendship so much it's making my heart and my insides feel sick. Our kids are very close so that sucks too. And we have mutual friends I don't want to lose. She says she wants to continue the friendship even though she seems to have a million and ten problems with me. Really vague ones like I "don't understand anything" or she "has the right to talk to whomever she wants or NOT and it's none of my business."
I'm just confused because we were close and she keeps going back to that... But then, not really. Should I bother trying to talk with her? Is there any hope we can still be at peace? And what about this nagging thought that maybe I'm a crazy creeper and that's why she's discarding? What about my kids' close friendship with hers?
Sorry this is so long.
Thanks again for an informative channel! I know you might not respond but maybe someone else can if not.
I have. a narc boyfriend an
all I can say is your "friend"
sounds like she's NOT GOOD ASSOCIATE..
I MEAN HOW CAN THAT BE A KIND FRIEND. KINDNESS IS ALL THAT MATTERS.GOOD LUCK💚
Oooh! Sweety, you’re moving to narc/central! My family and I ran from the horrible racism and violence that’s so prevalent there. No matter the social class. Btw, classism is huge. Anyway. Good luck to you and I look forward to more of your videos.
There’s definitely a lot of it in Latin America. But I just spent a couple days in Miami to pick up a package and holy hell talk about narc central!! I thought LA was fake, pretentious, narcissistic but LA ain’t got nothing on Miami!! Now I know why my ex husband likes living there 😂
I find the feigned niceness (in public, of course!) incredibly creepy. It feels just as abusive as the cruelty. Offensive, in that they expect you to be happy to see them! And not remember any of the very good reasons why you are not. Some are very well aware that you prefer no contact, but will do this loudly as a last resort. Abusive!
Yes!! My mother and siblings did this
My narc is starting to Hoover and I've been feeling extremely cautious, I've been trying to be distant, but had started letting my guard down, I even started questioning if he was actually a co-dependent, I purposely started looking at more and more videos for emotional support. We started to go into a Hoover cycle last week and I shut it down by not accepting the narc's kindness. This time I accept the kindness and we're talking, it's calm- he's out of the isolation stage, or the ice king stage- I see it more and more now- the pattern- my stomach feels twisted- I need more self care and I can do that by going to get a professional massage like I've been thinking about for over a week.
Dear Meredith,
Wishing you the very best with your transition to thriving... and thank you so VERY much for all you have shared and given. It has helped me so much. I am grateful to you. Big hug back to you. : )
Sincerely, Esme
Mine has been so nice now because I'm going away for a few weeks. Do not know what is up with that like he doesn't remember, so easy to fall into that. I am still going away, looking forward to change. I will re-read my journal to remember what happened to me.
I keep a journal also. Otherwise Im so confused and forget the bad stuff.
WOW--moving to Mexico!!! Sounds awesome and exciting. I hope she takes and sets up the lighted bookcases! I am fascinated about the lighting in those cases.
you are so extremely helpful, you took me very far, thank you😀
Yvonne els...YES YES YES. Such a waste. It strikes me as a satanic attitude. So unnecessary behavior from narc. Elicits such need for your love, then scarily discards you. Enialates you. So hard. So hard to wake up to.
Really enjoying your videos. I suspected my ex was just playing mind games....but now I know what she really was. Scary stuff.
omg! going through exactly this situation...thank you!
Thank you for this. I am about to go NC with my narcissistic mother.
In addition to trusting your gut emotions...his niceness means he is possibly Hoovering?
Something feels really wrong right now. Scared to address it. If I do I lose everything. I want to leave. Iv always gone back. I'm exhausted.
Harder to leave when retirements around corner. I understand.