With my ex, my crying and vulnerability made him more angry and scary. When I froze, he took my silence as guilt of whatever nonsense he was accusing me. He would mock me being tongue tied, saying I must be wrong if I have no come back. My mother was my abuser growing up and he was her upgrade.
How about being conditioned by a parent that "sticking up for yourself" makes you a bad nasty person. When a child is repeatedly told that it is bad to defend yourself or speak up when someone transgresses your boundaries and that you are always supposed to "be nice" in order to be accepted and loved-- results in the "freezing up" you described above. Conditioning is a difficult thing to escape unless one is made aware of it.
Kathleen Schoeck i experience that a lot. when someone gets angry with me for whatever reason i just freeze and dont know how to react, my mind goes into panic mode and i feel unable to defend myself because i was taught talking back to someone is rude and wrong-im only guessing now thats y, at least.
+nila phillips I totally understand how you feel. You are not alone I find that I tend to run away and feel terrible for weeks. I hope we can find a way to get through this.
I can't believe I'm listening to this! I thought I was the only one, I thought something was wrong with my personality and I have been fighting the "freeze up" ALL my adult life! You described it perfectly, it's exactly like that. I'm gobsmacked.
I also experience freezing, a lot of times when I'm at work. I have struggled with social anxiety disorder my whole life and since it has kept me unable to face college or university, I've been stuck in a part-time, minimum wage job at a retail clothing store (where I am extremely unhappy). I try really hard at my job, but whenever I get a rude, mean customer, I freeze and my whole body starts to shake uncontrollably, I blush, and I can't think or speak properly even though I try. The last time , the man had paid for the product with cash and then was being verbally aggressive to me about something that wasn't even my fault (It was actually his!), and he demanded I hurry up and give him his change but little did he know I was frozen just holding his change in my trembling hands and staring at him. Finally his voice brought me back to reality enough so I could give him his change and he left. Then I started to cry but unfortunately I was all by myself at the til and had a line up of more customers. I wanted to run away but I had to help the other customers. The lady saw me shaking and tearing up and she said, " shake it off," but in my head I was thinking, "If u only knew how much I wish I could." I get told that a lot by my co workers and it makes me angry. It's called a disorder for a reason... I'm not normal, so I can't shake it off like normal people can. But I wish so bad that I could. A lot of times I'm filled with rage at the person who was mean to me but I don't know what to do with it and just cry really hard instead and wish I could get revenge for being treated so unfairly and in my condition( which I try to hide). If anybody else suffers from SAD, I'd love to hear from you. Or even anybody who knows about it and wants offer some advice. Thanks.
No one can afford to be around abusers! Don't ever accept such kind of negative labels offered to you by people who only ever intellectualize problematic situations to categorize victims instead of offering practical suggestions to you like reminding yourself to breathe deeply. As soon as you can make up your mind to stop accepting negative labels for yourself offered at that very moment you have already acquired the talent to stop staring into the proverbial double minded headlights.
Shia LaBeouf has a semi-autobiographical movie about PTSD after abuse. It's called Honey, Boy. There's a good review on UA-cam as well.. I think it's called Shia LaBoeuf's Master-Piece. Watching it was another piece in the puzzle for me, in figuring out my messed-up life!
I cried so much from how deeply this video resonated with me, I feel like I was never able to identify why I have abandonment issues and why I’ve been susceptible to narcissistic abuse, I never knew that this programming started so early in my life. Just recently it happened that i froze and i didn’t know why it happened. I immediately stopped communication with the narc and now I’m experiencing heavy ptsd, I wish I knew a way to coach with you, or finding a therapist to help with this.
My mother told me repeatedly growing up how when she first had me, she heard voices telling her to kill me so she locked me in the house by myself and left. I am a freezer. I always froze up. Not so much anymore as I am healing, but I still have my moments. Today has been a rough day and hearing this helped/made me feel a little worse. I say worse only because I am so validated in the fact that I never experienced true love until my non narc husband and my daughter.
@sarah childs I had same situation as you,what is unbelievable ...i never trough someone from ''normal'' family had this crappy situation. my mother was always emotional unavailable and never put any effort in me. My dad was 1 month a year at home. As only child i felt isolated. I don't have any attachment or felling for mother except pity .... I never loved her .... but still I guess that situations from all childhood left some trails on my soul .... I am not aware of any but i am very unemotional and afraid to open to people. I don't trust them,any time I trust I would be victim of that person because I don't have boundless - giving too much or too little :/ and ''read'' people is impossible for me :/
I also developed selective mutism especially in my puberty to my late 30's; it still comes and goes now but with my anti-anxiety meds, getting older, and hopefully wiser, I can speak up more but not without a struggle! This is such a blessing to be reminded that I can do something to empower my voice/self-esteem!
My dad was not physically abusive, but he was mentally abusive. Oddly enough, I got some of my biggest support from a neighbor who was physically abusive toward his family. I still can't figure that one out. He was the one who told me how to survive military basic training, and he was never abusive toward me, though I saw the bruises and black eyes on his wife and children. I'm pretty sure that neither my dad, nor the neighbor, understood the negative impact they had our families. It took me many years to come to terms with my abuse, and, to be honest, I am not yet at the end of that road. I am so happy that my Mother was there for men when I started on that road. I had seen her dealing with it, and knew what I was in for. Now for the other side. My dad was not all bad. There are many fond memories I have of him. We went to gravel pits on rock hunting expeditions, and mushroom hunting. He taught me most of what I know about computers and electronics. I wish I could express all this to him, but he died an untimely death due to diabetes. The biggest downside of this was, he would never express approval of me, except for one time when I was giving him a tour of where I worked in the military. The thing I needed most from him was his approval, and he could not give it to me. For anyone else going through something similar - it is not your fault. You need to find your own way, as I had to. I had many people helping me, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. If you need help, as I did, go get help. It's not a reflection on you.
@@pourladentelle No. His children paid the price, just as I am. At that, I have it better than the neighbor's sons. They have been to jail several times that I know about. The daughters found husbands that care for them. For myself, I am retired, and spend my days playing video games and just enjoying myself as much as possible. There are a couple of jobs I would like to have after I get the Covid vaccine. At this point, I can afford to be a bit choosey, and go for a job I enjoy. My biggest problem is I don't know how to sell my abilities. I was always told I had none.
Do you know what they hate? When you don't cry. I used to give myself internal pep talks the whole time they were putting me down to keep myself from crying. I held strong, breathed, and stared blankly at them while they talked. They keep trying to escalate things but I kept holding stronger. Like the one who was living with me and one day told me that if I died or disappeared nothing would change in his life, that he would go on like nothing happened, well maybe it would take 3 days to get a new routine but after that it would be like I never existed. He cried later (pity ploy) that night since he couldn't get the rise out of me with his cruelty. Of course I had to cry in private later to process the emotions while I made plans to escape. Try it next time!
makes sense, but I expect it will be hard. last time I had a direct confrontation I managed to stay calm for a while but as the terrible accusations piled up, I shut down and cried. my manipulator just sat next to me without any emotion, just commenting ''this needs to be said so that you understand the truth about yourself'' ...thank you, Meredith, for so much support! it really helps me open my eyes and save myself.
I hear you... I have felt the same. on the positive side at least you were able to stay calm longer this time. With practice and determination I bet eventually you will be able to avoid shutting down and giving in to him. I've been working on the same and have noticed improvement. Give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it. When there is a life long pattern like this it won't change over night. Stay strong
I think martial arts training helps with this to... No, I don't mean so you can beat people up. I mean that martial arts training helped me, when I was a kid, to stop feeling so powerless, even though I had a few more years before I could escape my "home" life. Knowing that you are physically able goes a long way to heal the mind, in my opinion anyways. They teach you how to assert yourself in many ways.
This is one good video! Thank you so much. It's like every time you "freeze," you're sealing your own fate (the destiny others have "chosen" for you). There are options. You don't have to sit there and take it when you feel trapped, "petrified" and locked into a situation. For the longest time (most of my life), I didn't know this. Now, with this newfound awareness, I try not to succumb to negative group dynamics. Movement helps. Just walking across the room (or out of the room) can help when you're being shunned, ostracized and singled out at potlucks, social gatherings, etc. "Don't let them intimidate you into staying at your desk," is what a phone counselor once told me when I told her I would sit passively at my desk and let my colleagues exclude me at potlucks while they were "doling out" the food and deciding my "fate." She proceeded to say: "You don't have to accept your destiny." I was always letting them cash in (at my expense) and just was too "petrified" to walk up to the table and get my own food. As a child I always got excluded in school, group events, on class trips, etc (went to an all girls school), so I was going back to those scenes in my mind and how it felt (decades later!). I didn't know dissociation was a defense mechanism until I learned about pathological group narcissism and bullying. Sadly, most people get a rise out of excluding someone else because they're glad it's not them!
Those are really challenging experiences, also called "mobbing" when the group abuses/bullies you. I agree, step out of the group dynamic and create your own reality taking the reigns of your destiny in your hands. These adult experiences remind us of the childhood programming, as you already realized. This is key to recognize so you can retrain your psyche and nervous system to function in new ways. You're exactly right that's why people do the group bullying, because they're glad it's not them. They're so desperately trying to feel like they belong somewhere, so they bully others to overcompensate for those feelings of inadequacy. It really helps to see how pathetic their games really are. Cheers to rising above the bullshit and creating a new reality! Big hug.
taring a child from infancy to teen, literally not knowing how to react because it is beyond their understanding. or learned as adult, some masochistic tendency
The problem is we can´t organize our thoughts to give an answer, even if we breathe 3 times. It´s very dificult and our self esteem go down as you said.
Isa Nogueira to respond to the narcissist? Yes I experience this. I freeze and just can’t think what to say. He tells me to say what I feel but I know that’s not what he wants to hear. So I say nothing.
It like you can't think on your feet and you're useless in a confrontation. I think this comes from never being respected enough to be listened to , if we try we only get cut off and shut down .
Thank you this video is awesome. I was sexually abused from 2 years old to 12. I would do this freeze. now I know why I let my x covert narcissist sociopath abuse me. because I wud freeze. they always talk about fight or flight. more needs to be discussed about freezing up. thanks again. I'm working on myself . I'm aware now. I study on you tube for 4 months now about covert narcissist sociopath. I'm empowering my self about myself now. this is so helpful. your saving lives. I always thought something wrong with me why couldn't I defend myself. Now I know that it stems from in the womb. I did not feel safe ever. I was constantly afraid. I felt invisible. I'm on my healing journey and getting stringer every day with this knowledge. I'm learning to self care love myself first. I was raised to people please and was taken advantage of all my life. I've come to realize most my family are covert narc or cluster B narc. I'm protecting myself now. you and other empaths on you tube saved my mind in this insanity. I stay away from narcs sharks now. my 4 beautiful empaths girlfriends are great support. I'm spreading word about covert narcissist sociopath. lots of people need this information. bless you abundantly. big hugs to you awesome woman. xx
It's awful when you realise your whole family is messed up. I was sexually abused. My sisters know it but can't face it. I'm totally alone to face this. This video helps.
i really appreciate all the information you get out to people. its really exhausting going to doctor after doctor and expecting them to give you this kind of insight and they just never do.
Des !!! I feel the same way! After years of drs, they never fully understand, and it’s exhausting to keep telling your story to a new person, they just wanna give you pills and put you in a class where I don’t fit in or I can’t really relate.... her videos are way more informative and beneficial to help understand and heal.... I totally agree with you!!!
This is really so helpful to me...even reading the comments helps alot! Thank you Meredith and you all. My drama....well it started before I could walk....but all I can think of is how happy I am to be free from that now. I had to move abroad to get away and though I still freeze up in situations with other people, I am getting better with analyzing and preventing situations. I believe that many times loneliness and search for solitude comes as a consequence of this kind of early abuse. It is easier to isolate yourself from others than to get involved and risk more abuse...I am not saying this is right, but for me there have been times I had to in order to regain focus on the moment and detachment from past. So thanks everyone for sharing - it's "soul-soothing"
I can relate to this. Its amazing to know I am not alone in this. I need to grow out of this pattern. People will continue to abuse us if we dont change. Good video.
This video made me cry. It stirs up old shit and many other old experiences for which I have beaten myself up over time with "why the f*** didn't you just get out of there - WHY DOES THAT NOT EVEN OCCUR to you, in that moment - you idiot!" loooong after the events. Adult circumstances where my adult mind never said "flee! leave! get the f*** gone!' I have asked myself a thousand times, what is wrong with me? What is happening that I could be so kitten - weak when, in fact, I am forceful and defiant in my own life, to the point of off-putting to pretty much the entire world, at times. I ask myself, where is that woman in the face of a predator? Your insights have been very thought-provoking and I will listen to this again a few times as I recognize that the personal triggers are interfering with me getting the clinical info in one shot. I am 54. Thank you for your help in pulling some of the pieces together. I am new to your channel and quickly becoming a huge fan. I am tremendously blessed by your work and insights. May YHWH bless you abundantly!
Excellent! You are a wealth of information. Breathe , and as you feel that pulling sensation of fragmentation, I have found by grounding myself immediately, I can pull my energy back to myself. By that I mean, I feel the wood floor under my bare feet, I see the white enamel on the kitchen sink, etc. I begin to be very present. I love your advice of choices. As a child I didn't have that opportunity but as an adult I must remind myself I always have a choice. Thank you again, Meredith!
At my therapy room, I was so to say hypnotized by different patients. Narcissists men try to prey women, of course. However, these were so powerful, I did practically everything they wished. I would feel awful afterwards, because these are sexual predators. It s not that they treated me like a lady and invited me on a date. The experience is good anyway, because only when I be myself for real, is when I can see how weak the narcissist abuse from the past made me. And only then the universe started to send me your videos. Honesty is always the best choice.
That is totally what I do, when someone raises voice at me/unwanted touch/snaps at me. I freeze and feels like I don’t exist, a big block stuck at my throat. My mom is a malignant narcissist. Wow! Powerful message to help me understand myself.
I've done this more than once. It makes you feel so powerless.
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Your video has so many kernels of brilliance. About the fragmenting I've been labeled "space kadet" in stressful situations and never recognized it. It's TRUE when you're being verbally attacked as an adult it's important to not see it as a child; no triggers! Thank you Meredith.
Wow, this freeze response is the biggest problem in my life right now. Every time I'm experiencing abuse I just shut down and dissociate rather defending myself. Then I feel so angry afterwards because I can never say what I need to say in the moment. Go figure I have tumours growing on my thyroid (throat chakra area right now) I just repress, repress, repress. I literally have dreams all the time of me screaming but no sound is coming out. I'm def going to see if Pete Walker has some books I can read. Thanks for sharing these resources and information.
After months of self-education, finally I'm starting to see people as this small and curel child when they talk to me in an agressive and/or abusive manner. Thank you for this!
Wow. One of the most helpful & supportive videos I have heard on this type of abuse . Thank you so much Meredith Miller. Your efforts are truly a Godsend!!!
Thank You I have been looking up this subject all day. This happened to me yesterday. This neighbor took my hand and would not let go. I was so traumatized I could not leave the house for fear he would be outside. I cleaned my hand with sanitizer 3 times. A lot of memories came back.
I’m almost 50 and I always felt that something was very wrong with me as I freeze during confrontation. My father was emotionally absent & my mother had a wicked tongue & temper. My sister was shamed for developing a stutter. I remember as a child, hiding and trying to be small to escape the abuse. I have had suicidal thoughts my whole life, I self medicate & have developed social anxiety. Thanks for this video , it made me cry knowing that I am not alone and it’s not my fault.
Holy cow! You’re a God sent! So is the person who asked this big question you answered! Both, the person’s question and your answer described my life-long situation to the tee!!!! I will have to watch this video over and over until I’m able to actually put it into practice!!!!
Hi Precious Angel Meredith,i say thanks for coming back with your video as i can realize now how it all happened to me,and now understand it better,Denny😊🙏Namaste
I love your videos! very informative. yes abusers are usually people that feel very small. and seek out their targets, very skillfully, unfortunately. I truly believe that this video, will help victims, or potential victims, realize that they DO have a voice, and can say no! and remove themselves from the situation. so I want to say thank you very much.
I'm researching and discovering what makes me tick or sensitive to certain comments coworkers make towards me. I am trying to develop tougher skin. These videos are so helpful. Thank you. 🙏
Thank you for this video. You have such a calming energy. I felt home while watching, and that's a rare feeling for me. Extremely useful information that you give here.
Your definition of checking out and the fragmentation is similar to literature on disassociative disorder/amnesia (formerly called multiple personality disorder) where for some people another part of themselves takes over in a protective mode from fully experiencing the uncomfortable feelings that reminds them of the abandonment in childhood.
Thank you so much for talking about this stuff.....this happened to me, and I currently struggle with this issue. So, the hard part is for me knowing, what is normal, and what I do and don't need to protect myself from.
Ahhh I can relate to so much of this video. Really excited to follow up on the voice training recommendations - I used to be so intimidated by my dad as a kid that I would lose my voice, and in similar situations even today similar things occasionally happen. The freeze response is such a horrible feeling, so it's good to have it discussed and learn ways to approach it and resolve it. Thank you :)
WOW! This is one of the best videos ever! I have seen some of the earlier ones, and they too are very very good, but for some reason, this channel is really resonating with me now! So glad I found it again...this time I have subscribed. Thank you, it was especially touching and helpful where you talk about aligning the chakras, and the throat chakra being the voice...literally. So meaningful particularly for one who has had trouble speaking out when there is something traumatic/bad happening. Thank you and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
...When you tell someone that you are in an environment, where someone is repeatedly abusing their position of power and hurting you, but they don't do anything...you learn from a very young age that all you have is yourself.
Hi Precious Meredith,i could relate to all that you say about this as it started at a very young age growing up,and into adulthood,and the aftermath of depression,and anxiety is still happening,and not the least to say of all the complex traumas i had to endure,and also might have been autism involved that i had no control over which brought on ocd,and social anxiety,keep more videos coming as they might be helpfull in many ways,thank you Meredith,love Denny😘🙏🦋
It can also be shame or embarrassment. You don't want to react or call for help because you don't want to draw attention to yourself. Even though you.may know you aren't the one doing something wrong, especially with sexual abuse, but even with physical, or emotional we don't want people to know because we feel humiliated (such as if we are verbally abused for example) or "soiled" in some ways if it's sexual. In middle school, some boys dragged me into the bathroom and one reached up my shirt and grabbed me between the legs. I was questioned if they touched me inappropriately and I just kept saying no because I didn't want anyone to know that someone had grabbed me there.
Me too, at first bc I didn't know how to say what happened It was assumed I wanted it. My family totally disconnected with me. I feel like this framed my narrative. Abandonment, being unheard etc.
Thank you so much, I completely identify with this topic I've always felt with my intuition that I've had trauma since I was in my mom's belly, and that would explain why I am the way I am in the external world as well. Thank you for living your life's purpose and helping all of us to be evolving greater sovereign beings. 🙏🏻❤️ HUGS.
One of the last times I was in the presence of narc mother and she said something nasty to me my father happened to be in the room. My father and I looked at each other with shared expressions of "did she really just say that?" It gave me enough of a distraction and validation that I could finally see her for what she is, a sad insecure human. I hope I will remember this technique for future encounters. Also the Tesla quote is one of my favorites of all time...big smile! I never equated it personally...wow...that speaks to me!!! I will work on my vibration through my voice. Thank you!!!
Wow!!! The article about the 4 F types is amazing!! Thank you for this incredible video and the links to other resources. So glad to have found your channel!!!
How about its parents abusing a toddler and the toddler knows there is no one to help them or any place to run, so they just freeze up hoping not to feel any pain.
I came down with rhuematoid arthritis at 2 because I wasn't touched or held. Now they HAVE to take care of the sick child and resent it.We had to move to Arizona (because they have to "look" good.) and I'm still hearing what a burden I was. NC now.
It's very important subject. Thank you Meredith for tackle this. I can say how I overcame freezing state, what gave me big wings and believe my strenght. I experience severe abuse from early years including sexual abuse and rape (I was experiencing freezing state each time). Freezing - for me - feels like being trapped in own body unable to move, speak, voluntary breathing, etc. But in same time, inside of my body hurakan is running, flood of overwhelming emotions, thoughts, fear. I am present in current time, aware about surroundings, I can feel. (I describe here feelings and reactions as response to the threat) About year ago I went abroad for group therapy session and day before I met somebody I knew several years ago. We went on the beach then for meal together, all went fine. He asked me for use bathroom in my hotel room before his trip back home. I told him that I'm sure they have bathroom in restaurant here. He insisted, said that need quick wash. I felt uncomfortable let him in to my room but I thought he drove 5 hours to meet me and it was really hot summer day. We went upstairs, I let him in room but stayed outside in hallway. First, he said 'don't be scared of me' and laughed, I said I'm not scared but respect his privacy. But that really, I felt under my skin what's coming up and I didn't like it. He kindly invited me to room and explained that there is my personal stuff and he feels uncomfortable beeing alone. It made sense for me and I entered the room. He used bathroom. When left bathrom, stright away started kissing me, put on bed and I freezed... and all this rush - well knowed scenario - started inside of me, I was 'f***** up!' He continued his filthy 'courthship'. I'm frozen, 'surrendered to death' (Meredth, it's so well said! So truth! Never heard similar explanation before. It rezonates with me 100 %). I was making internal battle to 'start thinking!!' And I started thinking... About week before that moment in hotel room, I was talking with my therapist about trauma, etc. I started thinking about this what we were talking about and this is how I started figting freezing state (in my head): 'I am 42 years old woman, I am not child any more. This what is happening now has nothing with my trauma. This is not life threatening situation and my body does't need react how it was years ago when I didn't have chance to escape. I am not trapped. I have choice. I don't like what he is doing, it's awful, disgusting, I don't want this. I can stop this!...' Then I felt like I gathering extraordinary strength from each cell in my body and with mental roaring like, I stood up pushing him away and asking him leave. I didn' shout. I just opened door and told him go. I was fricking amazed of my strenght. I am still amazed! Mayby it seems like silly story but... wow! I know how many it took to break free of freezing mode. Now I know I can! I am really empowered. But... I know, it is blue print in my mind, so I might react in similar way again... but! I know, how to fight this... and I have faith in my ability. I have to exercize this technique. I tried describe best I could this process of gathering strenght at the critical peak. It's important to understand the fact that 'flight, fight, freeze' is response to trauma (and flashbacks), to the experience which took place in the past and reaction toward that experience has been blue printed in subconscious, and this reaction will be animated each time when our brain read the situation as 'life threatening'. The main point is to stay in touch with mental part of the brain while the 'old part' of the brain activates 'survival setting' (fight, flight, freeze mode) and let mental part of the brain take a lead and process the best strategy toward breaking through... make a choice best for us, make happen what we are want to happen.
For me, I feel the onset of dissociation from my hands. They draw my attention and I feel like they are not a part of my body. I have to shake them or lift the particular hand up to get back 'together' . I had 3 years or more when I was in junior high and I felt I was on the outside looking into my life and everything around me. of course I had no idea what was going on then. Especially growing up in West Africa where psychology is non existent. I actually paused this video and called my one of my several childhood molesters; My mum's brother. And confronted him. I've let him know I'm telling everyone once i get home for the hols. I called my sisin law first and she said why now? How would your mum feel?! My codependent mum who prices how everything appears to the outside. Sure it'll shatter her some but that's not my place to prevent. I've always tried to explain to my married siblings why it's SO important for a child to feel safe enough to tell the parents whatever happens to them. Especially in a culture where there is no child protection service in place by the government . So, THANK YOU. for the Christmas gift you helped me give to myself. I will no longer feel the need to keep secrets to protect other people's identities or feelings. AT 30, I'm finally feeling freeee. Just might be the Pluto transiting my first house or somthing. I don't know but I'm running with it.😤
"shake it off". its literally what the animal kingdom does (were also animals). watch them after any kind of upset. I'm Not making light. Everything she's said (in utero, twins born 2months premature, 2lbs. -we had to get out of there. not any better outside of womb...) I concur. try it, shake it off, literally ~feel your Hulk coming on -then face "them". oh. Snarling helps too. scares the s! out of them -you mean business. ordinarily I'm a calm, loving person -but this works. give your body and mind a new set of instructions. Annnd, like the military policeman told me -grab him by the balls - (even just the motion towards doing this Speaks Volumes) - you can literally walk them to the police station. Fight fire w/ fire. don't take the bull by the horns, it only irritates them. take them by the balls, and you have their absolute attention.
Angel Heart "I will know longer feel the need to keep secrets to protect other people's identities or feelings." I'm not QUITE at were you where when you wrote this last year, but I'm Soo close I can almost see it!!!! I am also now about to turn 30... Odd coincidence? I don't know, but I don't think so!!😘 Thank you for telling your story, it really helped me not feel alone..... . .. I hope you are doing better now than you were then.?.. Take care my fellow sister.😘
magnus846 I love this, never tried it, but sounds fun and I will definitely give this a try!!! You or someone else may like to try THIS as well...... LAUGH AT YOUR AGGRESSOR/AGGRESSORS!!! Change it to suit the situation. When someone is being passively aggressive and starting to become obnoxious with it, scoff at them! Perhaps laugh a real laugh, or force a belly laugh when people are trying to get you to break your moral code, then act indignantly toward them(or however the situation should be handled.) Having people trying to manipulate others against you and now everyone is coming in "for the kill" so to speak? Laugh like the joker from Batman, or simultaneously laugh and scream at different pitches to get those messing with you on edge and nervous. (Whatever someone else to trying to make you feel, push it BACK onto them!!!) Doing this confuses your attacker, they are used to a FEAR response instead of one of SELF CONFIDENCE and unpredictability. This works for me when dealing with verbal confrontation AND physical altercations. (So far at least!) I DO NOT GET RAPED ANYMORE THANKS TO THIS TECHNIQUE!!!!!!!! (I guess it's hard keeping an erection when the "damsel in distress" isn't worried about his "member" and with a slight amount of disgust and contempt simply tell them, "put it away." (Unfortunately I DON'T think this technique will work for children... There has to be a possibility in the rapist mind for you completely beating the "rapist" up.... Kids probably shouldn't try this if this is a problem you are facing..... I hadn't thought of this when I was younger and wasn't able to play it out to see if it worked, but if there is no where to run or hide, this might work, but if it doesn't it will be even WORSE for you because this guy will want to make you regret disrespecting him... "How dare you laugh at my member!!!!!!)! I am blessed I suppose for kinda being crazy, cause I don't think I would have ever figured this out if I wasn't!!! Lol, Even if this info only helps one person, .. that's one less person in the world who doesn't have to deal with this pain. Perhaps using this technique in combination with magnus846's technique could be helpful as well..... 🤗😙 Peace and love my brothers and sisters, and good luck to you.
This video spoke to me directly. Thanks so much. I freeze up when someone verbally abuses me especially if it is covert abuse. I also tend to doubt whether it was really abuse. I believe it comes from having a malignant narc mother and malignant narc fraternal twin sister. That means I was abused by both mother and twin sister while I was in the womb. It is no coincidence that my sister weighed 7 pounds compared to my 4 pound birth weight. She was a glutton in the womb!! I freeze when I meet bullies like my mother and sister and I tend to bend over backwards to please them. I am healing from that now thank God.
Hi Meredith... Thank you for this video. I had to take a nap in the middle of it because the thoughts of how I used to freeze up when being verbally abused by my mother came rushing back to me and I felt overwhelmed. Definitely a pattern I continued with others and then I would find that I would become passive aggressive because I didn't know how to express my pain nor did I think expressing my anger and pain would resolve anything in the situation because it usually didn't when I was a child. I also resonated with the feeling of the energy leaving what I believe felt like my third eye chakra...don't quote me on that. But I know what you were referring to because it happened to me so often and still does at times. Thank you for reminding us to stay present in those moments. Hurts to think that I am responding to trauma at 27 the same way I did at 7 and 17 but I am glad that I am learning that healing is possible. Light and Love sis! xoxo
I dont know what it is, I seem to always be near physical abusers or physical abusers are always near me! when i was a child my mom was abused by my step dad until i stood up to him(i was 9yrs old) and yelled at him to stop choking my mom to death!!! He was so shocked that he moved away for good. Afterwards she became a narcissist mother to ONLY me. I am 43 now, my life is a mess, I'm serious!!! I'm homeless after a life of Narc relationships with men. I am an alcoholic ( like step dad was), and I have an estranged relationship with my own daughters. Thats not even the half!!! With my C.SUPPORT garnishments. Its a miracle I'm still alive after 3 suicide attempts. My children love me bc I was the good co dependant parent who they remember love from. He punished me for that. My oldest daughter now treats me like their dad did. Yesterday I saw a child (had to be 1yr old) being verbally and physically abused by their mother. I got into trouble for "stepping in". my heart cant take anymore pain done to me or others.
age42 Queen, You're a beautiful and brave person, and I hope that you stay aware, as I believe that good things happen to honest people., wishing you all the best. P.S. hang in there.
Wow😃, sincerely wow!!! You are amazing! You are SO smart & are such a powerhouse!!! Thank you for all of your offerings in this video & in many others you have so graciously given us😊😀!!💛
Thanks so much Meridith, mt mom hated me cuz I was like my father (deep voice, hand movements, almost everything that made me me) and I see now she's sulking for love, aint that a b. totally had a void prescence from her and all of the things are coming together. stuff is unbelievable in The Bahamas. just so awkward that my mother is so mental, so awkward, like disgust being around her. Women are disastrous in my country, wish I was warned for the coldness in womens hearts, but my mother needed me to be a tool for her. in the hardest times like being threatened as a young boy she was like she doesn't even care and actually seemed like she enjoyed that. when In highschool my ex was sending me emails pretending to be a hitman, she was not there for me but was doing her thing moving on, thought that was funny, I had nightmares for that shit, went on for months but I was so caught up. Single mothers are a no go and women should not leave their child's father and need another man in the household next week.
Wowwwww!!!! This is so amazing!!!! Meredith, i m almost 50 and I've never experienced this so intensely as I have these past few years... However, I wish not to discard my personal issues (not just online, but it's so much earlier to talk old school than to type so much)... Granted I don't know u, nor do u I, but I've sought so many questions in my life and this is the closest I've come to receiving any answers... If u would b of any help, I'd b sooooo greatly appreciative as I have no one that I believe I can trust anymore (including my own adult children) and don't know where else to turn... I'm not a suicidal person, but I can't say the thought hasn't occurred several times in my life... I have so much to thank for that yet, having no one to confide in or assure me anymore, it's taken such toll on me and I've been so desperate to cry out yet have shut down without a voice... I'll explain more and no too keen on how u may respond without me giving my personal info for u to contact me but I'm sure u do and am asking, begging, pleading for some help.. I have a lot of dignity and have always tried to keep a positive outlook so don't get me wrong; I, not seeking attention or trying to b overbearing about this, but I've gotta find me again and get back to that person I once beloved I was... If I can't give it to my children how do I expect to give it to myself... I understand u are very busy so if u aren't able to get back to me I understand... Thank you and God Bless u... U are a very dear and special person....
The Pete Walker link is a bit daunting. Us freezers are "the most difficult 4F defense to treat." I recently had a serious freeze cPTSD experience, & have been searching for healing. Interestingly, I am a professional vocalist, musician, composer, so I loved hearing your thoughts on the voice. My dear friend, Lisa Wimberger (author "New Beliefs, New Brain" & "Neurosculpting"), has been having success with freezers using TRE (Trauma Release Exercises). Shaking is what animals in the wild do after a trauma. I am hopeful.
wow! Another great video. my mother did not want any girls. I was born thinking I am wrong. As I Grew, I thought thoughts like "she hates me. She is jealous of me. She wants to destroy me." And then I made myself wrong for thinking those thoughts. when I stumbled upon narcissistic personality disorder this past November, I discovered that I had been correct all along, reading my mother accurately. in my intuitive wisdom, I had cut off contact with my mother at about thirty years of age. I am 60 now. when my mother in the mid 2000s I was completely at peace with our relationship because I had done the inner work. thank you for this video. and thank you to the woman who wrote the letter calling forth your response.
From as young as 6 I can remember being grounded for verbalizing how I felt and this was pretty much my whole childhood. Had to do all the housework aka Cinderella, no friends, tv, or phone. The only place I felt safe was my room by myself hiding from my Mother. In my Mother's eyes children where NOT to be seen or heard. She also put a lock on the outside of my door to keep me in at night. I never questioned this as a child but brought it up a few years ago. Her response was I didn't stay in my room at night. Funny thing is I don't ever remember getting up in the middle of the night except to go to the bathroom, I don't remember wondering the house at all! I found and still find solitude and being alone the best thing ever. I love the quiet and can't stand noise. I fall in the freeze mode but once I get back to reality I go into fight mode, sometimes it's too late but better late than never I suppose. I have gone NC with my Mother and I have to say it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life besides letting my 3 beautiful children go live with their Father because of my mental health and financial state at the time of the divorce. They were better off with the stable parent as hard as that was for me to admit about their Father. Slowly life is getting better for me. But the NC with my Mother is still raw and unnerving. The guilt is overwhelming!!!!! The painful realities of my childhood that at that time was a normal thing is so freaking unbelievably, horribly wrong as a adult looking back now. I can only try to correct the way I have handled my children thus far as to the correct way that is not abusive although I feel the damage has already been done unknowingly. I love my children with all my heart and the last thing I want for them is to feel unloved and unwanted for I have felt this my whole life and it sucks!!!!! I wish therapy was freeeeeee. Because I need a butt load of it! Happy holiday's everyone. Peace and light!!!!
I was raised in the JW cult, faded out years ago but went low to no contact with all of my family. I was diagnosed with CPTSD 2 yrs ago. After my first reiki session I noticed for a fact that my throat chakra was opened, only then have I ever been able to put words to my emotions.... I’m doing much better now, cannabis has helped immensely ... (small amounts) I know I’m on my way to emotion healthy living... your videos help me so much to understand why I react the way I do... thank you so much for your insight and advice.... xxoo 😘😘😘
Hi first time commentor. The behavior of freezing you described is what I did as a child and currently as an adult. I have been in therapy for the past five months dealing with the effects of generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and panic attacks. Through the course of my therapy I uncovered the fact that when confronted with an anxiety producing event I fall silent. I will not talk or explain myself so people come away feeling as though I am being belligerent. The fact is when I was in 1st through 3rd grade I was beaten up every day by a group of my classmates. Later in my high school years I was verbally attacked by a teacher every week and this particular person had the reputation of singling out students she did not like. Most recently, I worked with a supervisor who would come to the opening of my cubical, stand there and yell at me for work I had done that she did not agree with. Although I got her to talk to me in her office only when she was upset this behavior led to my having my first panic attack. I feel that the aftermath of all of this has affected my ability to form close relationships with people, maintain a position for no longer than two years and to view co-workers with suspicion; that they will talk behind my back and seek to undermine me in front of colleages. This has led me to be silent when confronted and not volunteer information that could be helpful for fear of being derided and condescended to. I start a new job in a couple of days and I am going to put into practice everything I've learned in therapy and from your videos that I have watched thus far.
Finalmente tu explicas porque cuando fui abusada sexualmente a la edad de 5 años. Yo NO reaccione. Nunca le conte a mis padres. Hace 2 Años lo conte a mis padres y mis padres me dicen QUE son mentiras y que yo los torturo. Ellos nunca deseaban creerme. Y cuando fui sexualmente abusada en la universidad, mis padres afirman que si paso es toda mi culpa. Es claro que No sienten empatia. Nunca conecte con mi madre..😔💗
A veces es la unica opcione que tenemos. Recuerdo que milliones de veces hubieron situaciones en mi vida en que no puede salir, y si trate a decir algo para crear paz, o si trate a hacer algo para resolver los problemas, etc, pues, no era posible. No era posible. Nunca. Por eso, mi mente salio. Adios. No recuerdo mucho. Desculpame, por favor. No hablo español muy bien. Espero que puede entenderme. :)
Thank you for this wonderful and important video. It helped me think about this, as it's exactly what happens to me too. I came from a pretty peaceful family though & didn't suffer through any of the kinds of abuse that too many experience, but I suffered a LOT in school from day 1. Anyway, when I look at the reason I freeze up, it seems like it's because I'm afraid to admit that the other person is doing something wrong, like I'm afraid I'm doing something wrong by accusing them of doing something wrong. For example, several years ago at a daytime event at my daughter's school, May Day or something to that effect, I was hanging out with our long-time friends we had known since before our children were born. (Side note - not friends with them anymore, no contact.) At one point, the teachers asked us all to form a circle. My friend's husband happened to stand next to me & his wife was across from him in the circle. All of a sudden at some point, as we are all holding hands in a circle, he starts caressing my hand in this way that was absolutely not appropriate at all whatsoever. I'm clear on that now, but I was so thrown off guard that it confused me. I couldn't figure out if he was actually doing something inappropriate or if he was innocently being appropriate. I was frozen by my fear of accusing him of doing something wrong. I just stood there, feeling WTF? but frozen, not knowing what to do. Now, looking back, I wish I would have yanked my hand out of. his and said, WTF do you think you're doing?!? I did what you describe here. I disassociated and checked out. The circle ended and we all went on with our day as if nothing happened. I felt disgusted, but I never ever addressed it. I just ignored it. Too many times in my life I've frozen up or ignored things because I'm so afraid to "judge" them. It's really weird. Thank you for shining some light on this. Also by the way, I've been taking vocal lessons since I was very small, my first live solo performance was when I was 5 years old. I'm an extremely talkative, animated, fiery, outgoing person who has no problem speaking her mind usually. When it comes to this though, I totally freeze! Definitely trying to work on it, ESPECIALLY the subtle things that I overlook in my mind that people do. Been really working on 'cleaning house' and giving attention to only those who see me for who I truly am instead. Thanks again! Love your videos! They are some of the best!
.....I um am only about 1:22 in and um....i may break some hearts as well but yeah i was the same. At a year i was adopted...so when your adopted by 2 Narcs that are outstanding citizens..considering my dad was in the air force, but i digress...But as a child with all this going on your credibility kinda goes down the shitter :/ but yeah...i choked up on listening to you because i did this all the time.
Knowing subconsciously at a very young age when you couldn't even speak. Being alone knowing no one may respond due to nature of relationship-martha steward role(learned helpness)..one cannot speak or run as it is verbal paralysis. .physical freezing.).the baby part doesn't feel strong.. attached..Fawn yes, that makes sense👍..dissconect from abandonment of pain of social interaction from the person temporarily...saving a tender heart.Never imagined sharing personal videos could impact life this way.
Oh my gosh, what you said at 14:52 this is exactly what happened with me, my reaction when at an age of 40 unexpected abusive situations happened. I went through my life with this tunnelvision and desperately trying to avoid dangerous situations, avoiding most people (I didn´t even understand that all the time I was/am still in avoidance mode and why I couldn´t find social contacts despite me trying different things out, to open up, going out until I was out of energy). I begin to see more clearly that I couldn´t break through this freezing state because my mother still is enmeshed with my brother (this what is calles emotional incest where the parents relies on emotional support/talking things through/planning things/even vacation together bc she thinks evth is fine bc he has own family). She made him his partner surrogate after my father died when I was 14, brother 15 and father 48. Now I´m 43 and within the scales of these covert structures it is not long ago that I managed to go off contact with my mother. Time is still a construc that doesn´t have much to do with actual time. Maybe I won´t hear the bomb when it goes off but now I´m sure one day it will and I wish them that it does, it has to! So when I had to face situations where all of the sudden men acted completely different than I had experienced it in my relationships (where like in my family again! I was exposed to emotional and physical starvation) I fell into freezing and fawning, derealization mode exactly like you describe it (no no no back away, but unable to actually run off, then he reframed it with words to lull me and evth became worse. Got out alive, but the autoimmune response got even worse), and dissociation that came afterwards. And the fog and disociation even endured so long and was so complete that I actually thought it would be a good idea to simply get back into dating and just try it again, only to find myself in the next first date situation and like in that movie where you live the same day again and again it happened a second time! It wasn´t planned, I simply wasn´t prepared at all and finally realized how fundamental my freezing response is. Including severe Fibromyalgia and CFS fpr 5 years now and now I´m practically homebound. I managed to get the certification at the 2nd try in my reeducation program for clerks in February 2022? and after that BAM, Game Over.
thank you have been dealing with this for over 33 years also I've struggled with addictions people think I am being a jerk to them when I disassociate because I can't look them in the eye and just run off and it may only be that they care about me and that scares me because they reach out and the abusers reached mine also started as an infant and in the womb my mother did not want me. sexually abused from infant to 11 2 to 4 times a week beaten by my father who was not the sexual abuser he thought he was the right thing but he trance. my mother not sure exactly what illness she had but she was definitely mentally ill and abused Sochi neglected and sabotage me very jealous my Saving Grace was my 12 years my senior sister who passed away when I was 20 my mother didn't want to hear from me so my sister did and that was probably the only reason that I I'm alive. I am so happy to have found your video you have told my story and as I have just quit a addiction a year ago I am starting to clear up and I'm so thirsty for more knowledge thank you my abuse counselor doesn't talk to me a whole lot he listens mostly and I was never told anything so I am so thirsty for information
I tend to freeze too, it really sucks. It's like my voice disappears. I've never yelled in my life though I so often wish I had, but it feels physically impossible. I think a part of me believes if I did it would make me more like my sister (who has no problem yelling at anyone). I hate loud noises and loud voices. I just like silence. It's peaceful.
wow you are the first person I've heard talk about this, i have froze in social settings many times the worst of which i actually could see myself from above where i was sitting,as if my soul couldn't take anymore i know this sounds ridiculous but i can assure you that it happened I've never told that to anyone for obvious reasons, there were maybe 7 or 8 people abusing me verbally one of which was supposed to be my mate the feeling of shame and loneliness was unbearable i didnt say a word its as if i detached from my body,this video makes so much sense, but I'm now left questioning if i was abused as a child i don't have any memories of it but i have all the traits of someone that has i.e. drug abuse , self destructive tendencies, self hatred , how can i know if this actually happened ? amazing video thanks a lot :)
The best person to get help from is someone who has been through similar to your own experiences who has already overcome those same obstacles to personal growth. That is why group therapy in anonymous self help organizations are so helpful for some people. A learned behavior that turned out to be not advantageous can be unlearned if the person doing so has compassion for themselves while continuing to do their very best to unlearn a bad habit. It takes at least 2 weeks to unlearn any bad habit. Very important to find and then maintain safety while practising mindfulness and practising other good health habits when trying to unlearn any bad habit like being passive when a situation calls for action instead because tryng to do so while injured and/or suffering with one or more illness like say a bladder infection at the same time is too problematic. Another problematic environment to avoid while trying to unlearn a bad habit like being too submissive when a situation calls for action is when you are hoping for practical help from others to avoid the same difficulty again when the people you are looking to for help are there instead to glean as much for themselves like only trying to make a name only for themselves while feeling superior to others in general or superior to a minority that you are a member of when being paid for doing so while witnessing you practice that bad habit you learned to well in another situation. So do your homework first before checking into any human service organiztion in order to ask someone for help there. For example there is nothing worse for an indigenous woman when the person she is asking help is prone to see all indegenous peoople as being predisposed to practising paganism, aggression and/or promiscuity. Best to do networking for yourself not only just to look for work; In addition when networking take notes on who you overhear being racist or whatever.
Thanks for your videos.Watching them really helped me to find out what was going on in my relationship.Now i know what she is, discarded...your videos help more than you can imagine .Thank you Muchas gracias por hacerlos en espanol tambien.. writying from Sweden
freezing, never thought that I would hear these things - people know of these things but don't care as long as it is not them, I know there is not enough love in this world, but finally have a family in God, you surely can't trust humans
Nancy Caccioppo not all people, that's for sure!!! But if you're lucky enough or have that special eye open maybe one day you'll find a human worthy of your trust love and friendship. Peace and love be unto you my sister.😘
Agreed, in my case, I remember a time when the same person who told me not to hesitate my self defense forced me to apologize to an entire family of someone who wanted to kill me. If someone is to be trusted, it is the Word of God. Funny enough everything that the Bible mentioned has happened with no exception. Therefore, if anything confuses me, I personally resort to such holy and wholesome work to bring myself to understanding.
I can furthermore say that there should be only one person one must trust with regards to their individual life, one can see them in the mirror. If one cannot take care of that person in the mirror first and foremost, one must not risk looking at others. Who’s to know if said others can bear to look at themselves especially when they may treat those who look like them with disdain.
Week 18: Baby begins to hear. I had profound abandonment issues that took me until my mid-to-late 40s to get beyond. There was so much screaming in my house, I didn't get the screaming out of my head until I was 47.
Dissociation is my best friend. Without it, I couldn’t survive.
With my ex, my crying and vulnerability made him more angry and scary. When I froze, he took my silence as guilt of whatever nonsense he was accusing me. He would mock me being tongue tied, saying I must be wrong if I have no come back. My mother was my abuser growing up and he was her upgrade.
How about being conditioned by a parent that "sticking up for yourself" makes you a bad nasty person. When a child is repeatedly told that it is bad to defend yourself or speak up when someone transgresses your boundaries and that you are always supposed to "be nice" in order to be accepted and loved-- results in the "freezing up" you described above. Conditioning is a difficult thing to escape unless one is made aware of it.
Kathleen Schoeck i experience that a lot. when someone gets angry with me for whatever reason i just freeze and dont know how to react, my mind goes into panic mode and i feel unable to defend myself because i was taught talking back to someone is rude and wrong-im only guessing now thats y, at least.
+nila phillips I totally understand how you feel.
You are not alone
I find that I tend to run away and feel terrible for weeks.
I hope we can find a way to get through this.
MaryLynn bless you. me too.
This is such a hard habit to overcome.
Kathleen Schoeck I so can relate! I was told not to "talk back" as if claiming my self-respect was wrong; in school, at home, etc
I can't believe I'm listening to this! I thought I was the only one, I thought something was wrong with my personality and I have been fighting the "freeze up" ALL my adult life! You described it perfectly, it's exactly like that. I'm gobsmacked.
You are not alone we are millions sadly.
I also experience freezing, a lot of times when I'm at work. I have struggled with social anxiety disorder my whole life and since it has kept me unable to face college or university, I've been stuck in a part-time, minimum wage job at a retail clothing store (where I am extremely unhappy). I try really hard at my job, but whenever I get a rude, mean customer, I freeze and my whole body starts to shake uncontrollably, I blush, and I can't think or speak properly even though I try. The last time , the man had paid for the product with cash and then was being verbally aggressive to me about something that wasn't even my fault (It was actually his!), and he demanded I hurry up and give him his change but little did he know I was frozen just holding his change in my trembling hands and staring at him. Finally his voice brought me back to reality enough so I could give him his change and he left. Then I started to cry but unfortunately I was all by myself at the til and had a line up of more customers. I wanted to run away but I had to help the other customers. The lady saw me shaking and tearing up and she said, " shake it off," but in my head I was thinking, "If u only knew how much I wish I could." I get told that a lot by my co workers and it makes me angry. It's called a disorder for a reason... I'm not normal, so I can't shake it off like normal people can. But I wish so bad that I could. A lot of times I'm filled with rage at the person who was mean to me but I don't know what to do with it and just cry really hard instead and wish I could get revenge for being treated so unfairly and in my condition( which I try to hide). If anybody else suffers from SAD, I'd love to hear from you. Or even anybody who knows about it and wants offer some advice. Thanks.
I hear u girl, I know that feeling... life just slipping away and trying to cope with whatever you can manage. Xx
Deer in headlights, it's real!!! I have PTSD & do this! I literally cannot be around abusers!
No one can afford to be around abusers! Don't ever accept such kind of negative labels offered to you by people who only ever intellectualize problematic situations to categorize victims instead of offering practical suggestions to you like reminding yourself to breathe deeply. As soon as you can make up your mind to stop accepting negative labels for yourself offered at that very moment you have already acquired the talent to stop staring into the proverbial double minded headlights.
Shia LaBeouf has a semi-autobiographical movie about PTSD after abuse. It's called Honey, Boy. There's a good review on UA-cam as well.. I think it's called Shia LaBoeuf's Master-Piece. Watching it was another piece in the puzzle for me, in figuring out my messed-up life!
Like wise !!!! Narcs are toxic , delusional, vindictive , dedtructive and dangerous !!!! Run for y'all lives before its too late
I cried so much from how deeply this video resonated with me, I feel like I was never able to identify why I have abandonment issues and why I’ve been susceptible to narcissistic abuse, I never knew that this programming started so early in my life. Just recently it happened that i froze and i didn’t know why it happened. I immediately stopped communication with the narc and now I’m experiencing heavy ptsd, I wish I knew a way to coach with you, or finding a therapist to help with this.
My mother told me repeatedly growing up how when she first had me, she heard voices telling her to kill me so she locked me in the house by myself and left. I am a freezer. I always froze up. Not so much anymore as I am healing, but I still have my moments. Today has been a rough day and hearing this helped/made me feel a little worse. I say worse only because I am so validated in the fact that I never experienced true love until my non narc husband and my daughter.
Sarah Childs Did she have mental issues before you were born or did it just start afterwards? Do you have a relationship with her now?
@sarah childs
I had same situation as you,what is unbelievable ...i never trough someone from ''normal'' family had this crappy situation.
my mother was always emotional unavailable and never put any effort in me. My dad was 1 month a year at home. As only child i felt isolated. I don't have any attachment or felling for mother except pity ....
I never loved her .... but still I guess that situations from all childhood left some trails on my soul .... I am not aware of any but i am very unemotional and afraid to open to people. I don't trust them,any time I trust I would be victim of that person because I don't have boundless - giving too much or too little :/ and ''read'' people is impossible for me :/
I also developed selective mutism especially in my puberty to my late 30's; it still comes and goes now but with my anti-anxiety meds, getting older, and hopefully wiser, I can speak up more but not without a struggle! This is such a blessing to be reminded that I can do something to empower my voice/self-esteem!
My dad was not physically abusive, but he was mentally abusive. Oddly enough, I got some of my biggest support from a neighbor who was physically abusive toward his family. I still can't figure that one out. He was the one who told me how to survive military basic training, and he was never abusive toward me, though I saw the bruises and black eyes on his wife and children. I'm pretty sure that neither my dad, nor the neighbor, understood the negative impact they had our families. It took me many years to come to terms with my abuse, and, to be honest, I am not yet at the end of that road. I am so happy that my Mother was there for men when I started on that road. I had seen her dealing with it, and knew what I was in for. Now for the other side. My dad was not all bad. There are many fond memories I have of him. We went to gravel pits on rock hunting expeditions, and mushroom hunting. He taught me most of what I know about computers and electronics. I wish I could express all this to him, but he died an untimely death due to diabetes. The biggest downside of this was, he would never express approval of me, except for one time when I was giving him a tour of where I worked in the military. The thing I needed most from him was his approval, and he could not give it to me. For anyone else going through something similar - it is not your fault. You need to find your own way, as I had to. I had many people helping me, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. If you need help, as I did, go get help. It's not a reflection on you.
Daniel Gabel I'm sry about what happened to you. And in regards to your neighbor, did he ever get convicted of his crimes!?
God bless!!!
@@pourladentelle No. His children paid the price, just as I am. At that, I have it better than the neighbor's sons. They have been to jail several times that I know about. The daughters found husbands that care for them. For myself, I am retired, and spend my days playing video games and just enjoying myself as much as possible. There are a couple of jobs I would like to have after I get the Covid vaccine. At this point, I can afford to be a bit choosey, and go for a job I enjoy. My biggest problem is I don't know how to sell my abilities. I was always told I had none.
it happens to me that i just start crying, which naturally leads to more disrespect.
Do you know what they hate? When you don't cry. I used to give myself internal pep talks the whole time they were putting me down to keep myself from crying. I held strong, breathed, and stared blankly at them while they talked. They keep trying to escalate things but I kept holding stronger. Like the one who was living with me and one day told me that if I died or disappeared nothing would change in his life, that he would go on like nothing happened, well maybe it would take 3 days to get a new routine but after that it would be like I never existed. He cried later (pity ploy) that night since he couldn't get the rise out of me with his cruelty. Of course I had to cry in private later to process the emotions while I made plans to escape. Try it next time!
makes sense, but I expect it will be hard. last time I had a direct confrontation I managed to stay calm for a while but as the terrible accusations piled up, I shut down and cried. my manipulator just sat next to me without any emotion, just commenting ''this needs to be said so that you understand the truth about yourself'' ...thank you, Meredith, for so much support! it really helps me open my eyes and save myself.
+Inner Integration that is brave of you to share.
It's so painful that people are so cruel.
I hear you... I have felt the same. on the positive side at least you were able to stay calm longer this time. With practice and determination I bet eventually you will be able to avoid shutting down and giving in to him. I've been working on the same and have noticed improvement. Give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it. When there is a life long pattern like this it won't change over night. Stay strong
thank you, this is a really uplifting thing to know :) i am determined to work on this no matter how hard it is!
Thank you. I'm amazed at how many of us have been treated this way.
Big hug, Susan!
I think martial arts training helps with this to... No, I don't mean so you can beat people up. I mean that martial arts training helped me, when I was a kid, to stop feeling so powerless, even though I had a few more years before I could escape my "home" life. Knowing that you are physically able goes a long way to heal the mind, in my opinion anyways. They teach you how to assert yourself in many ways.
I think that’s a good idea like taking anger out like bringing confidence, lift up mood etc.,
Agreed!
Flight or flight. Please or freeze. All ways victims try to protect themselves.
This is one good video! Thank you so much. It's like every time you "freeze," you're sealing your own fate (the destiny others have "chosen" for you). There are options. You don't have to sit there and take it when you feel trapped, "petrified" and locked into a situation. For the longest time (most of my life), I didn't know this. Now, with this newfound awareness, I try not to succumb to negative group dynamics. Movement helps. Just walking across the room (or out of the room) can help when you're being shunned, ostracized and singled out at potlucks, social gatherings, etc. "Don't let them intimidate you into staying at your desk," is what a phone counselor once told me when I told her I would sit passively at my desk and let my colleagues exclude me at potlucks while they were "doling out" the food and deciding my "fate." She proceeded to say: "You don't have to accept your destiny." I was always letting them cash in (at my expense) and just was too "petrified" to walk up to the table and get my own food. As a child I always got excluded in school, group events, on class trips, etc (went to an all girls school), so I was going back to those scenes in my mind and how it felt (decades later!). I didn't know dissociation was a defense mechanism until I learned about pathological group narcissism and bullying. Sadly, most people get a rise out of excluding someone else because they're glad it's not them!
Those are really challenging experiences, also called "mobbing" when the group abuses/bullies you. I agree, step out of the group dynamic and create your own reality taking the reigns of your destiny in your hands. These adult experiences remind us of the childhood programming, as you already realized. This is key to recognize so you can retrain your psyche and nervous system to function in new ways. You're exactly right that's why people do the group bullying, because they're glad it's not them. They're so desperately trying to feel like they belong somewhere, so they bully others to overcompensate for those feelings of inadequacy. It really helps to see how pathetic their games really are. Cheers to rising above the bullshit and creating a new reality! Big hug.
Inner Integration Insight is everything. Love your channel!
taring a child from infancy to teen, literally not knowing how to react because it is beyond their understanding. or learned as adult, some masochistic tendency
The problem is we can´t organize our thoughts to give an answer, even if we breathe 3 times. It´s very dificult and our self esteem go down as you said.
Isa Nogueira to respond to the narcissist? Yes I experience this. I freeze and just can’t think what to say. He tells me to say what I feel but I know that’s not what he wants to hear. So I say nothing.
It like you can't think on your feet and you're useless in a confrontation. I think this comes from never being respected enough to be listened to , if we try we only get cut off and shut down .
Thank you this video is awesome. I was sexually abused from 2 years old to 12. I would do this freeze. now I know why I let my x covert narcissist sociopath abuse me. because I wud freeze. they always talk about fight or flight. more needs to be discussed about freezing up. thanks again. I'm working on myself . I'm aware now. I study on you tube for 4 months now about covert narcissist sociopath. I'm empowering my self about myself now. this is so helpful. your saving lives. I always thought something wrong with me why couldn't I defend myself. Now I know that it stems from in the womb. I did not feel safe ever. I was constantly afraid. I felt invisible. I'm on my healing journey and getting stringer every day with this knowledge. I'm learning to self care love myself first. I was raised to people please and was taken advantage of all my life. I've come to realize most my family are covert narc or cluster B narc. I'm protecting myself now. you and other empaths on you tube saved my mind in this insanity. I stay away from narcs sharks now. my 4 beautiful empaths girlfriends are great support. I'm spreading word about covert narcissist sociopath. lots of people need this information. bless you abundantly. big hugs to you awesome woman. xx
Great work, Venus! You go, girl! Big hug to you.
It's awful when you realise your whole family is messed up. I was sexually abused. My sisters know it but can't face it. I'm totally alone to face this. This video helps.
i really appreciate all the information you get out to people. its really exhausting going to doctor after doctor and expecting them to give you this kind of insight and they just never do.
Des !!! I feel the same way! After years of drs, they never fully understand, and it’s exhausting to keep telling your story to a new person, they just wanna give you pills and put you in a class where I don’t fit in or I can’t really relate.... her videos are way more informative and beneficial to help understand and heal.... I totally agree with you!!!
This is really so helpful to me...even reading the comments helps alot! Thank you Meredith and you all. My drama....well it started before I could walk....but all I can think of is how happy I am to be free from that now. I had to move abroad to get away and though I still freeze up in situations with other people, I am getting better with analyzing and preventing situations. I believe that many times loneliness and search for solitude comes as a consequence of this kind of early abuse. It is easier to isolate yourself from others than to get involved and risk more abuse...I am not saying this is right, but for me there have been times I had to in order to regain focus on the moment and detachment from past. So thanks everyone for sharing - it's "soul-soothing"
I can relate to this. Its amazing to know I am not alone in this. I need to grow out of this pattern. People will continue to abuse us if we dont change. Good video.
This video made me cry. It stirs up old shit and many other old experiences for which I have beaten myself up over time with "why the f*** didn't you just get out of there - WHY DOES THAT NOT EVEN OCCUR to you, in that moment - you idiot!" loooong after the events. Adult circumstances where my adult mind never said "flee! leave! get the f*** gone!' I have asked myself a thousand times, what is wrong with me? What is happening that I could be so kitten - weak when, in fact, I am forceful and defiant in my own life, to the point of off-putting to pretty much the entire world, at times. I ask myself, where is that woman in the face of a predator? Your insights have been very thought-provoking and I will listen to this again a few times as I recognize that the personal triggers are interfering with me getting the clinical info in one shot. I am 54. Thank you for your help in pulling some of the pieces together. I am new to your channel and quickly becoming a huge fan. I am tremendously blessed by your work and insights. May YHWH bless you abundantly!
Thank you, Judy! I love you, too, and God is good! He binds up all our wounds! :) ♡
Jane Jane Hope you're ok. God bless you. 😢😍
Jane Jane I feel ya sister!! Same shit here... Good luck with your life and may peace and love find you..
Excellent! You are a wealth of information. Breathe , and as you feel that pulling sensation of fragmentation, I have found by grounding myself immediately, I can pull my energy back to myself. By that I mean, I feel the wood floor under my bare feet, I see the white enamel on the kitchen sink, etc. I begin to be very present. I love your advice of choices. As a child I didn't have that opportunity but as an adult I must remind myself I always have a choice. Thank you again, Meredith!
This is amazing. Thanks for your work.
Big hug!
At my therapy room, I was so to say hypnotized by different patients. Narcissists men try to prey women, of course. However, these were so powerful, I did practically everything they wished. I would feel awful afterwards, because these are sexual predators. It s not that they treated me like a lady and invited me on a date. The experience is good anyway, because only when I be myself for real, is when I can see how weak the narcissist abuse from the past made me. And only then the universe started to send me your videos. Honesty is always the best choice.
Watching this again, a few years later, at a different level now, and am so very grateful for how you walk with us through this. Immense thanks🤗💕
That is totally what I do, when someone raises voice at me/unwanted touch/snaps at me. I freeze and feels like I don’t exist, a big block stuck at my throat. My mom is a malignant narcissist. Wow! Powerful message to help me understand myself.
I've done this more than once. It makes you feel so powerless.
Your video has so many kernels of brilliance. About the fragmenting I've been labeled "space kadet" in stressful situations and never recognized it. It's TRUE when you're being verbally attacked as an adult it's important to not see it as a child; no triggers! Thank you Meredith.
Wow, this freeze response is the biggest problem in my life right now. Every time I'm experiencing abuse I just shut down and dissociate rather defending myself. Then I feel so angry afterwards because I can never say what I need to say in the moment. Go figure I have tumours growing on my thyroid (throat chakra area right now) I just repress, repress, repress. I literally have dreams all the time of me screaming but no sound is coming out. I'm def going to see if Pete Walker has some books I can read. Thanks for sharing these resources and information.
After months of self-education, finally I'm starting to see people as this small and curel child when they talk to me in an agressive and/or abusive manner. Thank you for this!
Wow. One of the most helpful & supportive videos I have heard on this type of abuse . Thank you so much Meredith Miller. Your efforts are truly a Godsend!!!
Thank You I have been looking up this subject all day. This happened to me yesterday. This neighbor took my hand and would not let go. I was so traumatized I could not leave the house for fear he would be outside. I cleaned my hand with sanitizer 3 times. A lot of memories came back.
This should be a stand alone presentation as it is incredibly valuable. Thanks!
I’m almost 50 and I always felt that something was very wrong with me as I freeze during confrontation. My father was emotionally absent & my mother had a wicked tongue & temper. My sister was shamed for developing a stutter. I remember as a child, hiding and trying to be small to escape the abuse. I have had suicidal thoughts my whole life, I self medicate & have developed social anxiety. Thanks for this video , it made me cry knowing that I am not alone and it’s not my fault.
This is powerful for my lifestyle & reactions. Now I understand me better. That freeze is frightening. Even I abandon me.
Hi Meredith, Thank you for all your valuable content. I freeze. I am getting support, reading, listening, counseling. It is a process.
Holy cow! You’re a God sent! So is the person who asked this big question you answered! Both, the person’s question and your answer described my life-long situation to the tee!!!! I will have to watch this video over and over until I’m able to actually put it into practice!!!!
Hi Precious Angel Meredith,i say thanks for coming back with your video as i can realize now how it all happened to me,and now understand it better,Denny😊🙏Namaste
I love your videos! very informative. yes abusers are usually people that feel very small. and seek out their targets, very skillfully, unfortunately. I truly believe that this video, will help victims, or potential victims, realize that they DO have a voice, and can say no! and remove themselves from the situation. so I want to say thank you very much.
I'm researching and discovering what makes me tick or sensitive to certain comments coworkers make towards me. I am trying to develop tougher skin. These videos are so helpful. Thank you. 🙏
Again Meredith, an amazing free 17mins of really good therapy. Thank you so much. I always wondered why I froze! Now everything makes sense.
Thank you for this video. You have such a calming energy. I felt home while watching, and that's a rare feeling for me. Extremely useful information that you give here.
I'm a freezer upper .
Need lot's of work in this area.
Big hug, MaryLynn!
Your definition of checking out and the fragmentation is similar to literature on disassociative disorder/amnesia (formerly called multiple personality disorder) where for some people another part of themselves takes over in a protective mode from fully experiencing the uncomfortable feelings that reminds them of the abandonment in childhood.
Thank you so much for talking about this stuff.....this happened to me, and I currently struggle with this issue. So, the hard part is for me knowing, what is normal, and what I do and don't need to protect myself from.
Thank you for this!
So powerful and authentic!
Ahhh I can relate to so much of this video. Really excited to follow up on the voice training recommendations - I used to be so intimidated by my dad as a kid that I would lose my voice, and in similar situations even today similar things occasionally happen. The freeze response is such a horrible feeling, so it's good to have it discussed and learn ways to approach it and resolve it. Thank you :)
Awesome! I'm happy it's helpful for you. Big hug, Lara!
Its so good to hear this. Its very healing
WOW! This is one of the best videos ever! I have seen some of the earlier ones, and they too are very very good, but for some reason, this channel is really resonating with me now! So glad I found it again...this time I have subscribed. Thank you, it was especially touching and helpful where you talk about aligning the chakras, and the throat chakra being the voice...literally. So meaningful particularly for one who has had trouble speaking out when there is something traumatic/bad happening. Thank you and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I'm happy it's helpful for you! Big hug and Happy Holidays.
...When you tell someone that you are in an environment, where someone is repeatedly abusing their position of power and hurting you, but they don't do anything...you learn from a very young age that all you have is yourself.
Hi Precious Meredith,i could relate to all that you say about this as it started at a very young age growing up,and into adulthood,and the aftermath of depression,and anxiety is still happening,and not the least to say of all the complex traumas i had to endure,and also might have been autism involved that i had no control over which brought on ocd,and social anxiety,keep more videos coming as they might be helpfull in many ways,thank you Meredith,love Denny😘🙏🦋
It can also be shame or embarrassment. You don't want to react or call for help because you don't want to draw attention to yourself. Even though you.may know you aren't the one doing something wrong, especially with sexual abuse, but even with physical, or emotional we don't want people to know because we feel humiliated (such as if we are verbally abused for example) or "soiled" in some ways if it's sexual.
In middle school, some boys dragged me into the bathroom and one reached up my shirt and grabbed me between the legs. I was questioned if they touched me inappropriately and I just kept saying no because I didn't want anyone to know that someone had grabbed me there.
Me too, at first bc I didn't know how to say what happened It was assumed I wanted it. My family totally disconnected with me. I feel like this framed my narrative. Abandonment, being unheard etc.
Surrendering to the death, such a perfect description! Great video Meredith x
Thank you so much, I completely identify with this topic I've always felt with my intuition that I've had trauma since I was in my mom's belly, and that would explain why I am the way I am in the external world as well. Thank you for living your life's purpose and helping all of us to be evolving greater sovereign beings. 🙏🏻❤️ HUGS.
One of the last times I was in the presence of narc mother and she said something nasty to me my father happened to be in the room. My father and I looked at each other with shared expressions of "did she really just say that?" It gave me enough of a distraction and validation that I could finally see her for what she is, a sad insecure human. I hope I will remember this technique for future encounters. Also the Tesla quote is one of my favorites of all time...big smile! I never equated it personally...wow...that speaks to me!!! I will work on my vibration through my voice. Thank you!!!
Thank you so much for this, really good timing
Big hug!
Wow!!! The article about the 4 F types is amazing!! Thank you for this incredible video and the links to other resources. So glad to have found your channel!!!
How about its parents abusing a toddler and the toddler knows there is no one to help them or any place to run, so they just freeze up hoping not to feel any pain.
Freezing is trying to not be seen by predators
I came down with rhuematoid arthritis at 2 because I wasn't touched or held. Now they HAVE to take care of the sick child and resent it.We had to move to Arizona (because they have to "look" good.) and I'm still hearing what a burden I was. NC now.
It's very important subject. Thank you Meredith for tackle this.
I can say how I overcame freezing state, what gave me big wings and believe my strenght.
I experience severe abuse from early years including sexual abuse and rape (I was experiencing freezing state each time). Freezing - for me - feels like being trapped in own body unable to move, speak, voluntary breathing, etc. But in same time, inside of my body hurakan is running, flood of overwhelming emotions, thoughts, fear. I am present in current time, aware about surroundings, I can feel. (I describe here feelings and reactions as response to the threat)
About year ago I went abroad for group therapy session and day before I met somebody I knew several years ago. We went on the beach then for meal together, all went fine. He asked me for use bathroom in my hotel room before his trip back home. I told him that I'm sure they have bathroom in restaurant here. He insisted, said that need quick wash. I felt uncomfortable let him in to my room but I thought he drove 5 hours to meet me and it was really hot summer day. We went upstairs, I let him in room but stayed outside in hallway. First, he said 'don't be scared of me' and laughed, I said I'm not scared but respect his privacy. But that really, I felt under my skin what's coming up and I didn't like it. He kindly invited me to room and explained that there is my personal stuff and he feels uncomfortable beeing alone. It made sense for me and I entered the room. He used bathroom. When left bathrom, stright away started kissing me, put on bed and I freezed... and all this rush - well knowed scenario - started inside of me, I was 'f***** up!'
He continued his filthy 'courthship'. I'm frozen, 'surrendered to death' (Meredth, it's so well said! So truth! Never heard similar explanation before. It rezonates with me 100 %). I was making internal battle to 'start thinking!!' And I started thinking...
About week before that moment in hotel room, I was talking with my therapist about trauma, etc. I started thinking about this what we were talking about and this is how I started figting freezing state (in my head): 'I am 42 years old woman, I am not child any more. This what is happening now has nothing with my trauma. This is not life threatening situation and my body does't need react how it was years ago when I didn't have chance to escape. I am not trapped. I have choice. I don't like what he is doing, it's awful, disgusting, I don't want this. I can stop this!...' Then I felt like I gathering extraordinary strength from each cell in my body and with mental roaring like, I stood up pushing him away and asking him leave. I didn' shout. I just opened door and told him go.
I was fricking amazed of my strenght. I am still amazed! Mayby it seems like silly story but... wow! I know how many it took to break free of freezing mode. Now I know I can! I am really empowered. But... I know, it is blue print in my mind, so I might react in similar way again... but! I know, how to fight this... and I have faith in my ability. I have to exercize this technique.
I tried describe best I could this process of gathering strenght at the critical peak. It's important to understand the fact that 'flight, fight, freeze' is response to trauma (and flashbacks), to the experience which took place in the past and reaction toward that experience has been blue printed in subconscious, and this reaction will be animated each time when our brain read the situation as 'life threatening'. The main point is to stay in touch with mental part of the brain while the 'old part' of the brain activates 'survival setting' (fight, flight, freeze mode) and let mental part of the brain take a lead and process the best strategy toward breaking through... make a choice best for us, make happen what we are want to happen.
💝💝
You are amazing and an inspiration to me, personally. THANK YOU. You are powerful.
I'm happy my work is helpful! Big hug, Anna.
For me, I feel the onset of dissociation from my hands. They draw my attention and I feel like they are not a part of my body. I have to shake them or lift the particular hand up to get back 'together' .
I had 3 years or more when I was in junior high and I felt I was on the outside looking into my life and everything around me. of course I had no idea what was going on then. Especially growing up in West Africa where psychology is non existent.
I actually paused this video and called my one of my several childhood molesters; My mum's brother. And confronted him. I've let him know I'm telling everyone once i get home for the hols.
I called my sisin law first and she said why now? How would your mum feel?! My codependent mum who prices how everything appears to the outside.
Sure it'll shatter her some but that's not my place to prevent.
I've always tried to explain to my married siblings why it's SO important for a child to feel safe enough to tell the parents whatever happens to them. Especially in a culture where there is no child protection service in place by the government .
So, THANK YOU. for the Christmas gift you helped me give to myself. I will no longer feel the need to keep secrets to protect other people's identities or feelings.
AT 30, I'm finally feeling freeee. Just might be the Pluto transiting my first house or somthing. I don't know but I'm running with it.😤
Lady Luxe mine starts in the hands too
"shake it off". its literally what the animal kingdom does (were also animals). watch them after any kind of upset. I'm Not making light. Everything she's said (in utero, twins born 2months premature, 2lbs. -we had to get out of there. not any better outside of womb...) I concur. try it, shake it off, literally ~feel your Hulk coming on -then face "them". oh. Snarling helps too. scares the s! out of them -you mean business. ordinarily I'm a calm, loving person -but this works. give your body and mind a new set of instructions. Annnd, like the military policeman told me -grab him by the balls - (even just the motion towards doing this Speaks Volumes) - you can literally walk them to the police station. Fight fire w/ fire. don't take the bull by the horns, it only irritates them. take them by the balls, and you have their absolute attention.
Angel Heart thank you Angel
Angel Heart
"I will know longer feel the need to keep secrets to protect other people's identities or feelings." I'm not QUITE at were you where when you wrote this last year, but I'm Soo close I can almost see it!!!! I am also now about to turn 30... Odd coincidence? I don't know, but I don't think so!!😘 Thank you for telling your story, it really helped me not feel alone..... . .. I hope you are doing better now than you were then.?.. Take care my fellow sister.😘
magnus846
I love this, never tried it, but sounds fun and I will definitely give this a try!!! You or someone else may like to try THIS as well......
LAUGH AT YOUR AGGRESSOR/AGGRESSORS!!! Change it to suit the situation. When someone is being passively aggressive and starting to become obnoxious with it, scoff at them! Perhaps laugh a real laugh, or force a belly laugh when people are trying to get you to break your moral code, then act indignantly toward them(or however the situation should be handled.) Having people trying to manipulate others against you and now everyone is coming in "for the kill" so to speak? Laugh like the joker from Batman, or simultaneously laugh and scream at different pitches to get those messing with you on edge and nervous. (Whatever someone else to trying to make you feel, push it BACK onto them!!!) Doing this confuses your attacker, they are used to a FEAR response instead of one of SELF CONFIDENCE and unpredictability. This works for me when dealing with verbal confrontation AND physical altercations. (So far at least!) I DO NOT GET RAPED ANYMORE THANKS TO THIS TECHNIQUE!!!!!!!! (I guess it's hard keeping an erection when the "damsel in distress" isn't worried about his "member" and with a slight amount of disgust and contempt simply tell them, "put it away." (Unfortunately I DON'T think this technique will work for children... There has to be a possibility in the rapist mind for you completely beating the "rapist" up.... Kids probably shouldn't try this if this is a problem you are facing..... I hadn't thought of this when I was younger and wasn't able to play it out to see if it worked, but if there is no where to run or hide, this might work, but if it doesn't it will be even WORSE for you because this guy will want to make you regret disrespecting him... "How dare you laugh at my member!!!!!!)! I am blessed I suppose for kinda being crazy, cause I don't think I would have ever figured this out if I wasn't!!! Lol, Even if this info only helps one person, .. that's one less person in the world who doesn't have to deal with this pain. Perhaps using this technique in combination with magnus846's technique could be helpful as well..... 🤗😙 Peace and love my brothers and sisters, and good luck to you.
This video spoke to me directly. Thanks so much. I freeze up when someone verbally abuses me especially if it is covert abuse. I also tend to doubt whether it was really abuse. I believe it comes from having a malignant narc mother and malignant narc fraternal twin sister. That means I was abused by both mother and twin sister while I was in the womb. It is no coincidence that my sister weighed 7 pounds compared to my 4 pound birth weight. She was a glutton in the womb!! I freeze when I meet bullies like my mother and sister and I tend to bend over backwards to please them. I am healing from that now thank God.
Hi Meredith... Thank you for this video. I had to take a nap in the middle of it because the thoughts of how I used to freeze up when being verbally abused by my mother came rushing back to me and I felt overwhelmed. Definitely a pattern I continued with others and then I would find that I would become passive aggressive because I didn't know how to express my pain nor did I think expressing my anger and pain would resolve anything in the situation because it usually didn't when I was a child.
I also resonated with the feeling of the energy leaving what I believe felt like my third eye chakra...don't quote me on that. But I know what you were referring to because it happened to me so often and still does at times. Thank you for reminding us to stay present in those moments. Hurts to think that I am responding to trauma at 27 the same way I did at 7 and 17 but I am glad that I am learning that healing is possible.
Light and Love sis! xoxo
It really is cult like in a narc family. I am so exhausted, I realize,finally that I can't save my grown children....I can only save myself.....maybe.
thank you for this video!! I really connected with things that you said, definetly will continue to watch
Big hug, Joseph!
I dont know what it is, I seem to always be near physical abusers or physical abusers are always near me! when i was a child my mom was abused by my step dad until i stood up to him(i was 9yrs old) and yelled at him to stop choking my mom to death!!! He was so shocked that he moved away for good. Afterwards she became a narcissist mother to ONLY me. I am 43 now, my life is a mess, I'm serious!!! I'm homeless after a life of Narc relationships with men. I am an alcoholic ( like step dad was), and I have an estranged relationship with my own daughters. Thats not even the half!!! With my C.SUPPORT garnishments. Its a miracle I'm still alive after 3 suicide attempts. My children love me bc I was the good co dependant parent who they remember love from. He punished me for that. My oldest daughter now treats me like their dad did. Yesterday I saw a child (had to be 1yr old) being verbally and physically abused by their mother. I got into trouble for "stepping in".
my heart cant take anymore pain done to me or others.
I truly hope you get the help you need! God bless you!
age42 Queen, You're a beautiful and brave person, and I hope that you stay aware, as I believe that good things happen to honest people., wishing you all the best. P.S. hang in there.
Thank you for this. I have been developing my voice more with singing and I will check out the links you provided as well.
Awesome! You'll love Roger Love especially. Big hug, Deborah!
Wow😃, sincerely wow!!! You are amazing! You are SO smart & are such a powerhouse!!! Thank you for all of your offerings in this video & in many others you have so graciously given us😊😀!!💛
Thanks so much Meridith, mt mom hated me cuz I was like my father (deep voice, hand movements, almost everything that made me me) and I see now she's sulking for love, aint that a b. totally had a void prescence from her and all of the things are coming together. stuff is unbelievable in The Bahamas. just so awkward that my mother is so mental, so awkward, like disgust being around her. Women are disastrous in my country, wish I was warned for the coldness in womens hearts, but my mother needed me to be a tool for her. in the hardest times like being threatened as a young boy she was like she doesn't even care and actually seemed like she enjoyed that. when In highschool my ex was sending me emails pretending to be a hitman, she was not there for me but was doing her thing moving on, thought that was funny, I had nightmares for that shit, went on for months but I was so caught up. Single mothers are a no go and women should not leave their child's father and need another man in the household next week.
Wowwwww!!!! This is so amazing!!!! Meredith, i m almost 50 and I've never experienced this so intensely as I have these past few years... However, I wish not to discard my personal issues (not just online, but it's so much earlier to talk old school than to type so much)... Granted I don't know u, nor do u I, but I've sought so many questions in my life and this is the closest I've come to receiving any answers... If u would b of any help, I'd b sooooo greatly appreciative as I have no one that I believe I can trust anymore (including my own adult children) and don't know where else to turn... I'm not a suicidal person, but I can't say the thought hasn't occurred several times in my life... I have so much to thank for that yet, having no one to confide in or assure me anymore, it's taken such toll on me and I've been so desperate to cry out yet have shut down without a voice... I'll explain more and no too keen on how u may respond without me giving my personal info for u to contact me but I'm sure u do and am asking, begging, pleading for some help.. I have a lot of dignity and have always tried to keep a positive outlook so don't get me wrong; I, not seeking attention or trying to b overbearing about this, but I've gotta find me again and get back to that person I once beloved I was... If I can't give it to my children how do I expect to give it to myself... I understand u are very busy so if u aren't able to get back to me I understand... Thank you and God Bless u... U are a very dear and special person....
You are awesome. Big hugs back at you!
The Pete Walker link is a bit daunting. Us freezers are "the most difficult 4F defense to treat." I recently had a serious freeze cPTSD experience, & have been searching for healing. Interestingly, I am a professional vocalist, musician, composer, so I loved hearing your thoughts on the voice. My dear friend, Lisa Wimberger (author "New Beliefs, New Brain" & "Neurosculpting"), has been having success with freezers using TRE (Trauma Release Exercises). Shaking is what animals in the wild do after a trauma. I am hopeful.
wow! Another great video. my mother did not want any girls. I was born thinking I am wrong. As I Grew, I thought thoughts like "she hates me. She is jealous of me. She wants to destroy me." And then I made myself wrong for thinking those thoughts. when I stumbled upon narcissistic personality disorder this past November, I discovered that I had been correct all along, reading my mother accurately. in my intuitive wisdom, I had cut off contact with my mother at about thirty years of age. I am 60 now. when my mother in the mid 2000s I was completely at peace with our relationship because I had done the inner work. thank you for this video. and thank you to the woman who wrote the letter calling forth your response.
when my mother died in the mid-2000s...
From as young as 6 I can remember being grounded for verbalizing how I felt and this was pretty much my whole childhood. Had to do all the housework aka Cinderella, no friends, tv, or phone. The only place I felt safe was my room by myself hiding from my Mother. In my Mother's eyes children where NOT to be seen or heard. She also put a lock on the outside of my door to keep me in at night. I never questioned this as a child but brought it up a few years ago. Her response was I didn't stay in my room at night. Funny thing is I don't ever remember getting up in the middle of the night except to go to the bathroom, I don't remember wondering the house at all! I found and still find solitude and being alone the best thing ever. I love the quiet and can't stand noise. I fall in the freeze mode but once I get back to reality I go into fight mode, sometimes it's too late but better late than never I suppose. I have gone NC with my Mother and I have to say it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life besides letting my 3 beautiful children go live with their Father because of my mental health and financial state at the time of the divorce. They were better off with the stable parent as hard as that was for me to admit about their Father. Slowly life is getting better for me. But the NC with my Mother is still raw and unnerving. The guilt is overwhelming!!!!! The painful realities of my childhood that at that time was a normal thing is so freaking unbelievably, horribly wrong as a adult looking back now. I can only try to correct the way I have handled my children thus far as to the correct way that is not abusive although I feel the damage has already been done unknowingly. I love my children with all my heart and the last thing I want for them is to feel unloved and unwanted for I have felt this my whole life and it sucks!!!!! I wish therapy was freeeeeee. Because I need a butt load of it! Happy holiday's everyone. Peace and light!!!!
I was raised in the JW cult, faded out years ago but went low to no contact with all of my family. I was diagnosed with CPTSD 2 yrs ago. After my first reiki session I noticed for a fact that my throat chakra was opened, only then have I ever been able to put words to my emotions.... I’m doing much better now, cannabis has helped immensely ... (small amounts) I know I’m on my way to emotion healthy living... your videos help me so much to understand why I react the way I do... thank you so much for your insight and advice.... xxoo 😘😘😘
Hi first time commentor. The behavior of freezing you described is what I did as a child and currently as an adult. I have been in therapy for the past five months dealing with the effects of generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and panic attacks. Through the course of my therapy I uncovered the fact that when confronted with an anxiety producing event I fall silent. I will not talk or explain myself so people come away feeling as though I am being belligerent. The fact is when I was in 1st through 3rd grade I was beaten up every day by a group of my classmates. Later in my high school years I was verbally attacked by a teacher every week and this particular person had the reputation of singling out students she did not like. Most recently, I worked with a supervisor who would come to the opening of my cubical, stand there and yell at me for work I had done that she did not agree with. Although I got her to talk to me in her office only when she was upset this behavior led to my having my first panic attack. I feel that the aftermath of all of this has affected my ability to form close relationships with people, maintain a position for no longer than two years and to view co-workers with suspicion; that they will talk behind my back and seek to undermine me in front of colleages. This has led me to be silent when confronted and not volunteer information that could be helpful for fear of being derided and condescended to. I start a new job in a couple of days and I am going to put into practice everything I've learned in therapy and from your videos that I have watched thus far.
Your most impactful vlog yet, for me. Thanks, as always. I just watched the post-quake vlog, I'm glad you're intact and well. :)
This is the best video you made, u made me cry, love...
Finalmente tu explicas porque cuando fui abusada sexualmente a la edad de 5 años. Yo NO reaccione. Nunca le conte a mis padres. Hace 2 Años lo conte a mis padres y mis padres me dicen QUE son mentiras y que yo los torturo. Ellos nunca deseaban creerme. Y cuando fui sexualmente abusada en la universidad, mis padres afirman que si paso es toda mi culpa. Es claro que No sienten empatia. Nunca conecte con mi madre..😔💗
A veces es la unica opcione que tenemos. Recuerdo que milliones de veces hubieron situaciones en mi vida en que no puede salir, y si trate a decir algo para crear paz, o si trate a hacer algo para resolver los problemas, etc, pues, no era posible. No era posible. Nunca. Por eso, mi mente salio. Adios. No recuerdo mucho.
Desculpame, por favor. No hablo español muy bien. Espero que puede entenderme. :)
Recuerdo que no recuerdo mucho. Jajaja.
Thank you so much for sharing those links!
Thank you for this wonderful and important video. It helped me think about this, as it's exactly what happens to me too. I came from a pretty peaceful family though & didn't suffer through any of the kinds of abuse that too many experience, but I suffered a LOT in school from day 1. Anyway, when I look at the reason I freeze up, it seems like it's because I'm afraid to admit that the other person is doing something wrong, like I'm afraid I'm doing something wrong by accusing them of doing something wrong. For example, several years ago at a daytime event at my daughter's school, May Day or something to that effect, I was hanging out with our long-time friends we had known since before our children were born. (Side note - not friends with them anymore, no contact.) At one point, the teachers asked us all to form a circle. My friend's husband happened to stand next to me & his wife was across from him in the circle. All of a sudden at some point, as we are all holding hands in a circle, he starts caressing my hand in this way that was absolutely not appropriate at all whatsoever. I'm clear on that now, but I was so thrown off guard that it confused me. I couldn't figure out if he was actually doing something inappropriate or if he was innocently being appropriate. I was frozen by my fear of accusing him of doing something wrong. I just stood there, feeling WTF? but frozen, not knowing what to do. Now, looking back, I wish I would have yanked my hand out of. his and said, WTF do you think you're doing?!? I did what you describe here. I disassociated and checked out. The circle ended and we all went on with our day as if nothing happened. I felt disgusted, but I never ever addressed it. I just ignored it. Too many times in my life I've frozen up or ignored things because I'm so afraid to "judge" them. It's really weird. Thank you for shining some light on this. Also by the way, I've been taking vocal lessons since I was very small, my first live solo performance was when I was 5 years old. I'm an extremely talkative, animated, fiery, outgoing person who has no problem speaking her mind usually. When it comes to this though, I totally freeze! Definitely trying to work on it, ESPECIALLY the subtle things that I overlook in my mind that people do. Been really working on 'cleaning house' and giving attention to only those who see me for who I truly am instead. Thanks again! Love your videos! They are some of the best!
.....I um am only about 1:22 in and um....i may break some hearts as well but yeah i was the same. At a year i was adopted...so when your adopted by 2 Narcs that are outstanding citizens..considering my dad was in the air force, but i digress...But as a child with all this going on your credibility kinda goes down the shitter :/ but yeah...i choked up on listening to you because i did this all the time.
Their worse traits are often revealed only to their targets, who do not recognize it bc they grew up with the same personality type
This has happened to me many times. I appreciate the explanation, more than you know.
Big hug!
i got so shocked after reading Pete's article about freeze type. it seems like perfect description of what i was doing for last 10 years. jesus.
Knowing subconsciously at a very young age when you couldn't even speak. Being alone knowing no one may respond due to nature of relationship-martha steward role(learned helpness)..one cannot speak or run as it is verbal paralysis. .physical freezing.).the baby part doesn't feel strong.. attached..Fawn yes, that makes sense👍..dissconect from abandonment of pain of social interaction from the person temporarily...saving a tender heart.Never imagined sharing personal videos could impact life this way.
Oh my gosh, what you said at 14:52 this is exactly what happened with me, my reaction when at an age of 40 unexpected abusive situations happened.
I went through my life with this tunnelvision and desperately trying to avoid dangerous situations, avoiding most people (I didn´t even understand that all the time I was/am still in avoidance mode and why I couldn´t find social contacts despite me trying different things out, to open up, going out until I was out of energy).
I begin to see more clearly that I couldn´t break through this freezing state because my mother still is enmeshed with my brother (this what is calles emotional incest where the parents relies on emotional support/talking things through/planning things/even vacation together bc she thinks evth is fine bc he has own family).
She made him his partner surrogate after my father died when I was 14, brother 15 and father 48. Now I´m 43 and within the scales of these covert structures it is not long ago that I managed to go off contact with my mother. Time is still a construc that doesn´t have much to do with actual time.
Maybe I won´t hear the bomb when it goes off but now I´m sure one day it will and I wish them that it does, it has to!
So when I had to face situations where all of the sudden men acted completely different than I had experienced it in my relationships (where like in my family again! I was exposed to emotional and physical starvation) I fell into freezing and fawning, derealization mode exactly like you describe it (no no no back away, but unable to actually run off, then he reframed it with words to lull me and evth became worse. Got out alive, but the autoimmune response got even worse), and dissociation that came afterwards.
And the fog and disociation even endured so long and was so complete that I actually thought it would be a good idea to simply get back into dating and just try it again, only to find myself in the next first date situation and like in that movie where you live the same day again and again it happened a second time!
It wasn´t planned, I simply wasn´t prepared at all and finally realized how fundamental my freezing response is. Including severe Fibromyalgia and CFS fpr 5 years now and now I´m practically homebound. I managed to get the certification at the 2nd try in my reeducation program for clerks in February 2022? and after that BAM, Game Over.
thank you have been dealing with this for over 33 years also I've struggled with addictions people think I am being a jerk to them when I disassociate because I can't look them in the eye and just run off and it may only be that they care about me and that scares me because they reach out and the abusers reached mine also started as an infant and in the womb my mother did not want me. sexually abused from infant to 11 2 to 4 times a week beaten by my father who was not the sexual abuser he thought he was the right thing but he trance. my mother not sure exactly what illness she had but she was definitely mentally ill and abused Sochi neglected and sabotage me very jealous my Saving Grace was my 12 years my senior sister who passed away when I was 20 my mother didn't want to hear from me so my sister did and that was probably the only reason that I I'm alive. I am so happy to have found your video you have told my story and as I have just quit a addiction a year ago I am starting to clear up and I'm so thirsty for more knowledge thank you my abuse counselor doesn't talk to me a whole lot he listens mostly and I was never told anything so I am so thirsty for information
You are amazing. I learned so much in this video. Thank you. God bless you.
Thank you .☺Your videos are so helpful .
Big hug, Lene!
I tend to freeze too, it really sucks. It's like my voice disappears. I've never yelled in my life though I so often wish I had, but it feels physically impossible. I think a part of me believes if I did it would make me more like my sister (who has no problem yelling at anyone). I hate loud noises and loud voices. I just like silence. It's peaceful.
Tesla's my hero...and i HAVE been using humming in harmonic to numb my pain, back broken in 4 places when very young, it really does help.
It is true. Against the narcs, I was always on my own, the one who had to be put down. It was just the way it was.
wow you are the first person I've heard talk about this, i have froze in social settings many times the worst of which i actually could see myself from above where i was sitting,as if my soul couldn't take anymore i know this sounds ridiculous but i can assure you that it happened I've never told that to anyone for obvious reasons, there were maybe 7 or 8 people abusing me verbally one of which was supposed to be my mate the feeling of shame and loneliness was unbearable i didnt say a word its as if i detached from my body,this video makes so much sense, but I'm now left questioning if i was abused as a child i don't have any memories of it but i have all the traits of someone that has i.e. drug abuse , self destructive tendencies, self hatred , how can i know if this actually happened ? amazing video thanks a lot :)
The best person to get help from is someone who has been through similar to your own experiences who has already overcome those same obstacles to personal growth. That is why group therapy in anonymous self help organizations are so helpful for some people. A learned behavior that turned out to be not advantageous can be unlearned if the person doing so has compassion for themselves while continuing to
do their very best to unlearn a bad habit. It takes at least 2 weeks to unlearn any bad habit. Very important to find and then maintain safety while practising mindfulness and practising other good health habits when trying to unlearn any bad habit like being passive when a situation calls for action instead because tryng to do so while injured and/or suffering with one or more illness like say a bladder infection at the same time is too problematic. Another problematic environment to avoid while trying to unlearn a bad habit like being too submissive when a situation calls for action is when you are hoping for practical help from others to avoid the same difficulty again when the people you are looking to for help are there instead to glean as much for themselves like only trying to make a name only for themselves while feeling superior to others in general or superior to a minority that you are a member of when being paid for doing so while witnessing you practice that bad habit you learned to well in another situation. So do your homework first before checking into any human service organiztion in order to ask someone for help there. For example there is nothing worse for an indigenous woman when the person she is asking help is prone to see all indegenous peoople as being predisposed to practising paganism, aggression and/or promiscuity. Best to do networking for yourself not only just to look for work; In addition when networking take notes on who you overhear being racist or whatever.
Your videos are great! You can describe these things so well!
Thank you always and ever for your explanations that make me Free again !!!💓💓👣👣
Thanks for your videos.Watching them really helped me to find out what was going on in my relationship.Now i know what she is, discarded...your videos help more than you can imagine .Thank you
Muchas gracias por hacerlos en espanol tambien..
writying from Sweden
freezing, never thought that I would hear these things - people know of these things but don't care as long as it is not them, I know there is not enough love in this world, but finally have a family in God, you surely can't trust humans
Nancy Caccioppo that's because you need to be that love you think is lacking in this world
Nancy Caccioppo m
Nancy Caccioppo not all people, that's for sure!!! But if you're lucky enough or have that special eye open maybe one day you'll find a human worthy of your trust love and friendship. Peace and love be unto you my sister.😘
Agreed, in my case, I remember a time when the same person who told me not to hesitate my self defense forced me to apologize to an entire family of someone who wanted to kill me. If someone is to be trusted, it is the Word of God. Funny enough everything that the Bible mentioned has happened with no exception. Therefore, if anything confuses me, I personally resort to such holy and wholesome work to bring myself to understanding.
I can furthermore say that there should be only one person one must trust with regards to their individual life, one can see them in the mirror. If one cannot take care of that person in the mirror first and foremost, one must not risk looking at others. Who’s to know if said others can bear to look at themselves especially when they may treat those who look like them with disdain.
Thank you for this, as always you're great., I love listening to your videos.
Week 18: Baby begins to hear. I had profound abandonment issues that took me until my mid-to-late 40s to get beyond. There was so much screaming in my house, I didn't get the screaming out of my head until I was 47.