Change these 2 patterns to change your life after narcissistic abuse
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- Опубліковано 30 лис 2024
- This video is about 2 kinds of childhood programming you might have received in growing up if you were raised by a narcissist (or even in an adult abusive relationship) and how these patterns can be affecting your life now (relationships, friendships, work, family, services that you hire people to do for you, etc.) I’ve got some tips for you to overcome these patterns.
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NOTE: Meredith Miller is not a therapist or counselor. She is a holistic integration coach, helping you to self-heal and transform your life after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. Meredith teaches the mindsets and tactical skills to help with recovery. She works with a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness that is a valuable complement to traditional psychotherapy. Meredith recommends that you also seek out a licensed therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse and relational trauma in order to help you with the complex-PTSD symptoms. Thank you for taking responsibility for yourself!
One thing that I have a bad habit of doing is offering people a full explanation when they ask me questions. It's as if I'm putting myself on trial and trying to defend myself.
Yes I find my self having done that often also!
I also over explain.
we have been programmed that way, it takes practice and perseverance to just say N0.
OMG- I do that. It's a tough habit to break.
I do the same thing very observant of you to pick up on it
I feel ending a realtionship with a narc ages you in reverse. You somehow look younger after having been away from them for a while.
Mariacanfly, my 23yr marriage with a narc aged my face and body more than i would've experienced with just regular aging with a normal life. I'm skeptical that extended time away from the narc will reverse the aging caused by the narc years. But here's hoping!
@@Muser10863 once you're mind begins to relax and release tension, you're more youthful side will begin to shine through. Remember to pamper yourself and allow your inner beauty to shine through.
A cheerful countenance both makes you look and feel younger, it effects you on a cellular level. So did all the stress, being on trial and walking on eggshells around the narc. If you figured out to turn all that empathy inward, that helps too. We are love and light which heals. Physician, heal thyself first!
I agree when you end abused relationship, things are better.
You learn new things that it's okay to say no to them.
They are like those mythical creatures that drain the youth and life force of others so they can stay eternally young
She said “Unsubscribe from the narcissist’s reality.” That’s powerful!
Oh my goodness. ...at 54 have only just learned that I do NOT have to explain myself to others or allow men I do not like into my life. Not my job to make their social life better! Wow it's so liberating! Thank you.
Wow, thanks for sharing that. I am a couple of decades younger but it makes me think how society manipulated women for soo long in order to bring generations and generations of obeying , co-dependent women around the world !!! An only now we are waking up
another bad habits: Taking gifts I did not asked for and be thankful.
Accepting unsolicited advices.
Great video. My ex-fiancé narcissist used to call me incessantly until I responded. I suffer from generalized anxiety. Dealing with him made my anxiety worsen. To the point that I began having panic attacks. I am so grateful that I left him 2 years ago. I haven’t had 1 single panic attack since then.
Michelle Carpenter Alright!! Yes I know u are so happy and at peace Yes congratulations!
Michelle Carpenter can we please talk? Agho20@gmail.com
Michelle Carpenter @ say what ? He was calling you non stop? Was he interrupting at work? Calling non stop, damn it! That's what junkies do to their dealers
Michelle Carpenter hang in there !you r loved
Had that very thing happen today with my narc husband who I am.separating from. He has been calling me at noon every day knowing i am at lunch then tries.to monopolize my lunch. When i wouldn't give him more time and energy he blasted and called me names at 4:00 my quitting time to get what he wants. He used word salad on his texts which were no sensible ramblings to get a rise out of me! Can't wait until.we separate. I am putting 1500 miles between us and will valiantly try to go contact.
"You don't have to answer that."
Voice a dissatisfaction.
Always listen to your body.
Check in with reality. What's real. Unsubscribe from the narc's reality.
This is tops Meredith. Thanks :)
Both of these patterns have been chiseled into my life. After a lot of work I started to speak up for myself and I just want to warn people that when you implement this...there can be extremely painful backlash. Prepare for some anger and hardcore lashing out. It's awful when you see your normally covert narc whip off their mask. So I've been doing a ton of journaling just to keep my perspective clear and to take the opportunity to safely admit my responsibility so that I can stay clear. But I have to say that it is lonely to have everyone mad at you. It's been really tough but it became evident that all of my relationships were toxic and it has been really hard not to say "Hey! I'm the common denominator here!" but keeping myself honest with myself has kept that judge at bay and I can now begin to rebuild my life and create new and healthy relationships but I am starting with just me. I'm the one I want to really get to know and like. Good luck, thank you Meredith for your constant wisdom, charm and love.
I hear you, Nancy. I thought that for years, that I must be the common denominator and people used that to push me around and wipe their feet on me. It turns out, no, I'm not the cause of disharmony at all, it's just that my mother, stepfather, biological father, brother and half-sister are ALL narcissists. Trying to get along with them was like trying to get a hug from a bunch of sharks. I finally ditched them all. Now, the remaining family I have is kind and my friends are all loving, so I'm good. Finally. Best wishes to you! xx
I never understood my anxiety and always thought there was something wrong with me, but these people bombarded me for close to 30 years and now in my late 40s, I have finally figured it out. Your videos have been so helpful, Meredith. Thank you.
In another of your recent videos, you said, "...all of a sudden your entire life makes sense!", as a result of waking up to what has really been going on with a narcissist. I feel this way every time I listen to you. Life is making more and more sense which is helping me to grow and heal.
EXACTLY what I feel, every time a new set of ideas are introduced. Everything makes sense from a larger perspective.
Im not ..alone...it is the inner understanding the deeper self craved ....and im NOT going threw all of it alone...love you guys
Who can relate
I feel the same! I found out about narcissism just two months ago and since then I watch and read everything on this topic. I could not get enough of the knowledges, there are a lot of a-ha moments "that's why he said this to me, that's why he behaved like this and etc". Specially with gaslighting. With every new piece of information more clarity and relief!
@@dianag.1997 amen..so proud of you keep reading God will open your eyes God is pulling the vail off these type of ppl they will be gone i was told that though connecting...keep reading but like myself i know now an let me tell u brand new world.
Same!
It all clicked last month when my mother started therapy after retirement. She was basically bored and needing more supply. I've been the family scapegoat, therapist, fixer, blame-taker for my entire life. It's been the most painful discovery, but I know this is the beginning of freedom for me. I need to block her again, but I'm almost too fragile to speak up, but I keep doing it. Plus your videos and Pete Walker's materials. Thank you!
So good... I just need to repeat, reread, learn, repeat, act, live, repeat and own these truths: Unsubscribe to the narcissist's reality. Ask yourself what is real here. Let go of the guilt. You don't have to reply. You have other things you can do. You can protect yourself. Do not fall victim to their manipulation and their reality. Ask yourself what is real here. Remind yourself you do not have to reply. No guilt for taking care of yourself. No guilt for removing yourself from their warped world in which they are trying to keep us contained and controlled.
Thank you :)
It is exactly what happens!!
The programing ....NARC made in our mind !!
But it is never late to reprograming our own way....to our true self !!👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Yes, if only I had this info and understanding 30 years ago, my life today would look so much different. My sister and mother were narcissists. I was just a pawn in their wicked weavings of their lives. That's history.
I had to get "permission" that it was okay to not want my toxic husband, who had been on a month long substance abuse treatment program, for him to not come back into my life. That was 30 years ago. It as an EAP director of a police department. My husband was an abusive alcoholic police officer, and the EAP director said "when he comes home, even if you want him to..." that's all I remember but it hit me like a ton of bricks because it meant that I could say NO MORE. My husband never changed, gave him 6 weeks....it was 6 weeks of silent treatment. No alcohol but silence. NO MORE. I had gone to church, asked for help, they had no clue as to what abuse looks like, they were no help at all. I ended it. Divorced. He died of cirrhosis of the liver at 49 years old. I'm 64 now, but, as I say, if only I'd had this info back then I would not be where I am today. Another husband, another different problem. So much more to it all. BUT THE BEST THING IS my understanding has increased, and that in itself is freeing. THAT makes me happy!!
Thank you Meredith, you have blessed me greatly xo Knowledge is power.
Thank you SO much, I do feel compelled to answer my exes texts messages, especially when he has our kids with him. But, I’ll try not to respond as quickly, especially if they aren’t referring to the children. Your videos have been super helpful in my life. I feel stronger and stronger everyday!
God bless you!
Very right. I have spent 29 years with my narcissistic wife. God bless you.
My parents drilled me badly. For my father I had to drop everything immediately what I was working on. Even I had to drop my own little kids, when he came along, always being so much more important.. I didn't have a mother, she mercilessly accused me of being the nail on her coffin, and the fifth wheel on the wagon of her so-called "great family life" she always lied to the outside world...ugh. All my life I was brainwashed with her sick malice. Especially when no one witnessed it, so I could never fall back on someone, completely isolated... Her motherhood was just a coverup to abuse me and to abuse my sincere loyalty as a child. But she enjoyed it in a special sadistical way!! Thanks to you Meredith, for these important and helpful videos and also for all responses on this channal too, which are healing too. Despite of all, thank God.. I've a loving relationship with my doughters..Thanks to you all!
How I overcame it was my life was nearly blown up and I had no choice but shut out, unplug and hide out, block all contact. I realized I had the sovereign right to peace. At that time, I realized no one would ever assert my needs. It became a stark reality. No deprogramming- survival jolted me into that massive shift- alot of trauma assosiated means my body gives strong cues when these boundaries are pushed. Yes this may be overgeneralized at first but use cognitive faculties to tease out real threats from fears.
Sovereign right to peace! I'm stealing that! Hope you don't mind :)
raced by 2 narc parents, I only can say : it's exactly as you say. gosh, sooooo true. absolutely brilliant. thanks a million!
I had this narc boss back in 2001 and he trained me to answer the phone when it first started ringing- immediately! 3 years doing as he said.
Yes this is excellent advice! I just this weekend had an unexpected conversation with my mother. I went 'no contact' with my mother for 7 years (4 years ago I decided to reconnect because I am in a healthier place and felt I could handle her). She has been on 'good behavior' with me and yesterday she went into a monologue about a family member that triggered old shit in me. I couldn't hold my reserves any longer, I cut her off and spoke some truths to her that oddly enough she didn't react as cruelly as she used to. She did however tell me that my perspective was wrong and I responded somewhat calmly "you don't get to do that to me, you don't have the right to tell me my perspective is wrong, I won't let you invalidate me any more. If you don't agree with me then we agree to disagree but no more will you tell me my perspective is wrong." That was a HUGE victory for me! And she didn't hang up, instead she changed the subject and acted like it never happened. Woohoo, I had been avoiding telling her my truth but damn it felt good! And the best part was not letting her shit stay with me and realizing that her twisted reality is not mine.
Karen Schatz Croll sounds very similar to my relationship with my mother and the last 12 years I thought she was showing some empathy and every now and then some insight, enough for me to believe that change is possible. I let my guard down because I wanted to believe she wanted to understand me as much as I wanted to understand her. I sacrificed my inner peace on the alter that is my mother, I should have put myself first.
sounds like the dynamic i have with my mother. sounds like you handled it very well kudos to you. i can handle it sometimes but there are always weak moments & her poison seeps in... last time we talked she hung on me i called her back finished what i wanted to say but felt very rattled by it all. i'm already very low contact & now thinking to go complete NC.
Went into her monolgue, haha 😂
LMAO funny but sooo True!
Woo hoo!!! Proud of you!
@@elizagoodytwoshoes8348 That is the hard part: your heart just wants to reach out and have a normal relationship and you let your guard down ...and you're always disappointed.
It’s gotten bad enough with someone who was a narcissistic ex friend to where I will get a bad feeling about them coming around and boom there they are. My instincts don’t lie.
Wow, yep, my mother emails me and if I don't respond ASAP she threatens to call the police. I'm 48. Really good video!
LadyLadyChickChick You need to make the things clear to her that no you won't respond
She probably watches too much crime TV!
Yes! So glad I’m not the only adult whose mother does this. I’m married now and I think she’s starting to freak out because I don’t live alone anymore so she can’t threaten to call the police if I don’t answer. She once texted my husband and he didn’t answer and within 5 mins she was texting me about how she texted him to ask him blah blah blah and he didn’t answer her! This was before I knew what she was and we just laughed about it and answered her later. Now I know to just not answer at all. She once threatened me saying she didn’t think she would live past 60 with all the stress and yada yada. She’s now 67, so that sucks. I would advice you to go no contact. I would 100% except my dad is still married to her and I love my dad. Poor dad, I can only imagine the horror he’s had to deal with being married to her for 43 years.
My 90 year of narc mother phones me and causes me all kinds of stress. Where does she get all the
energy to go on and on and on and on??? At 65, I am soooo tired of it all. A lifetime of stress at her hands.
Since finding these talks, I have slowly coming to realize "the Why " of her behavior all these years and it
won't end until she is in the ground. I tell her I won't listen to her anymore, I just want peace in whatever time
I have left on this world. she says, OK but of course dose not mean it. The very next day, it's like we didn't
have the conversation at all. She is a great "Pretender" and now at 90 she is getting more and more forgetful.
@@MsKariSmith Same here with my 89 year old mother. It's exhausting. I'm going no contact but you sound as if you have some sort of good relationship. Me with mine - horrid!
Everything you every say spot on more than any UA-camr I’ve come across on here, thank you for your detailed and sometimes almost poetic content 🙏🏽
Awakening moment. Been up since 1:30am trying to figure out my life. Certain patterns that keep repeating. Now I know. Was married to a narcissist. Could not understand how I did not see the signs? Raised by two narcissist. One mental and emotional. The other physical and sexual. This for me is so much deeper than setting a boundary. Been having similar issues with my roommate. Now it all makes sense. Thank you so much for helping me see the light.
Now true healing can begin.
Meredith you’re such an amazing woman. Don’t ever stop sharing your gifts and insight. 😊
Meredith, That is a very enlightened perspective. I needed to hear this today. As much as I am in tune with my gut now and listen to it, I still tended to believe people are toxic until they prove that they are not. Though I don't really have to do that anymore. I know who is toxic. Our gut never lies. I do listen to my body. I don't sit and rationalize away my feelings any longer. What I feel is what is real! (ooh I like that!) Thank you for another really amazing life changing video!
Hi Meredith, I watched your video this morning and got inspired to demand apology from my narc mom who gaslighted me 57 years while calling me "crazy"!!! I guess for the first time I was assertive because of watching you and finnaly realised the amount of abuse that I was suffering from her. She immediately said " I apologize". What a sweet victory!!! Thank you so much, you changed my life for good!!
Thank you. These are great tips for relating to people.
Giving reasons for WHY I say no has been my default from childhood. Now, as I’ve practiced saying no, I might add: “It isn’t a good time” or something innocuous like that. “Thanks for the invitation. Maybe another time” is another way I add to my “no”, without giving reasons.
I am fortunate to have friends who have told me their truth when I’ve been “rude” or “insensitive”. I can then consider what they told me and see where I might have to apologize. I also appreciate it when those same people are willing to see when THEY have crossed one of my boundaries and are willing to apologize to me.
Learning that people, like I, are not always aware of how they say or do things has been life-affirming for me. To know that they are not deliberately behaving badly, like the toxic individuals in my life, has given me joy. I feel empowered and peaceful with “normal” interactions now.
Blessings!❤️
Had that situation this morning. A friend driving by stopped and started grilling me about stuff. I just said I couldn't talk about it. She drove off. Meredith this is such wise advice.
Wow! This is really accurate. I've definitely been through this in childhood and as an adult.
I was brutally beaten if I didn't hear my name called. I survived by being the quiet servant... I was raised to the age of 13 by my 2 older siblings(10 & 11 years older than me). Growing up in Jamaica was awful.
Somewhat same, except for the Jamaica part. I'm stopping being the quiet servant so I can have an ounce of dignity in my life - not to mention stop being abused! Hope you can find some peace.
🙏🙏🙏
After 5 years, going no contact. been only a couples weeks since i blocked her. the saddest part to me is i still want to think she was the good person i saw she could be. but the things that actually happened show that people with this condition are delusional beyond repair.
Man this hit home! When I was a child we weren't allowed to respond to my mom's screaming our name from anywhere in the house, we had to instead drop everything and run to her side. We weren't allowed out in our front yard even in highschool, without permission from our parents as a form of control.
I’ve been following this channel for a while, but watched this video for the first time. This is the stuff that goes the deepest and is the hardest internal belief system to break, guilty until proven innocent. Perfect timing in that I am just figuring out why I am still struggling years after leaving my narc ex and toxic job.
I recently recognized that the anxiety I constantly feel comes from feeling like I am always about to get in trouble and being found out. But it has been unconscious, it only shows up as anxiety. Once I figured out what I was feeling so deep down, it still wasn’t easy to tell myself that I’m not in trouble. It was too deep in my lambic brain.
I also recently recognized that most of the time I’m running through an explanation of everything I’m doing in my mind. I also imagine the worst with people and prepare a lengthy explanation of why I’m doing what I’m doing. It is such a habit and I have always done it like I thought it was normal. No wonder I’m always exhausted and I have trouble focusing on what I should be focusing on
Also projecting onto others perceived rejections and insults. When my mom actually gave me space, it meant she was mad at me and she was giving me the silent treatment. So, when I don’t hear from a friend for a while, I am afraid they hate me or I did something to offend them, so I am afraid to reach out to them.
And, yes, my mom threatened to call my good friend and my landlord if I didn’t call her right back. She had texted my old number the day before, then panicked when I didn’t answer her next call.
Your words, manner and spirit possess the ring of truth.
I had the second pattern of being afraid to set boundaries with people .I used to become anxious doing this but now I know very clearly that setting firm boundaries will protect me so I am trying to calm myself while taking this action .thank you so much 😘
This is SO CLARIFYING!! Thank you for helping everyone let go of these toxic cling wraps
Wisdom from Meredith. I am 55 years old. If I had seen your videos and had had 1 chat with you every month, when I was in my 30s.. to get my life in the right direction I would have avoided a lot of problems and made a lot of solutions for myself.
My father is a narcissist, who was a victim in his childhood, he nearly destroyed my mother's life, however I know he loves me but somethings are beyond his abilities and your videos help me a lot to understand and learn.
I needed this...I'm used to feeling guilty if I give myself time to respond. It was always met with "you must be busy" (passive aggressive response) or "took you long enough to respond" the feeling of being in trouble at 40 years old is real. I feel defiant by changing the path but it is necessary for personal growth and releasing anxiety
This is probably the most validating video, because it touches on the deepest held belief systems that are the hardest to recognize and the hardest to break. I am realizing that it is going to be a huge undertaking to learn how to start seeing life in a different way then I was programmed to. I am seeing how much I project onto others based on old wounds of the past.. It’s a whole new way of learning to relate to others and life.
I really appreciate your insight and wisdom. Unfortunately people cannot always get away from the narc; that's why I personally seek answers and help. It's so true, one has to own ones reality, standards and life, not that of the narcs! Setting boundaries is easier said than done but totally key! Thank you!
Im 73 years now . The last year i have started to say no to my mam. Your video have help me a lot to understand what have happening in my like, thank a lot.
So true, so like me. I drop everything to answer, justify, explain to people unnecessarily. I really don't owe anything to people but I feel bad not going along. My natural personality was twisted and I adopted this frantic, highly strung personality. I'm working on myself so that I can "march to the beat of my own drum". As for speaking up about my own feelings, they indeed were ignored, laughed at, negatively labelled and blamed etc. So I stopped asserting myself. I fear being open cos I was physically attacked by Narc siblings and mum. Good advice on dealing with these issues.
My narc bombards me. He will call me 20 times in a row while I'm at work. He once sent me 180 texts in one day. It was unbelievable. Thank you for making this video. I liked at the end when you said "Unsubscribe from the narcissist's reality" that is such a powerful point that i needed to hear!!
This was just perfect! I've been on this journey and figuring out how to determine my reality...what's real here? It's exactly what I needed today. ❤️
This information is golden! Being a therapist and a Life-coach myself I am 100% agree and grateful for this video!!!
Very useful! I jumped when my very kind mother wanted anything--from lighting her cigarette as she drove, to running for this or that and looking for this or that, to keeping her company when I could have been playing, to long phone calls every nite in college (sigh), to taking care of her when she aged. She went to her grave thinking that I thought she was wonderful--my greatest gift to her.
BUT, Even tho she wasn't narcissistic, the end result was that I was attracted to narcissists. Mom WAS an emotional wreck due to a very sad life, and I 'jumped' for my own survival as scared little child, and developed the pattern then.
Years ago I read a book about emotional incest. That sounds like what happened to you. It takes a toll... Wishing you, and everybody watching this, well. We're here because we've been hurt, or someone we care about, has been hurt this way.
Yes! After i settled boundaries, she gets angry and entitled and she speaks with a tone like i owe her a response.
Omg! I'm 53 and have always worried about "getting in trouble"! I am exhausted from running around doing, telling, explaining, answering, getting, performing for everyone!! I never knew the reason I do it, but it is SO ingrained in me, like breathing!! So glad I found Meredith!
I'm a nurse and spent many years being bullied by other nurses from a culture other than my own (I was the white minority). They were constantly interrupting me while performing vital patient care, interfering with my work, yelling my name demanding I drop everything and come running to them and just downright harassment. I finally learned to ignore them and proceed with caring for my patients. They were baffled but I think they thought I was hard of hearing. I would have to say that I valued my patients' needs over their demands but many of them made it very difficult to work under those circumstances. Finally I was fired because of false allegations by co-workers and I couldn't be more thrilled. Wish I had stood up for myself as much as I stood up for my patients. Your information is invaluable and I cannot express my gratitude enough. Thank you
This is exactly what I'm working on right now! I've always had a tendancy to just completely explode once I reach my limit, and I'm realizing it comes from feeling pressured to "answer", and I don't express my boundaries well. It's hard to sort out whether people are human with a few poor qualities or toxic. Having boundaries helps so much. I actually didnt know what my boundaries were before and something I figured out is that I'm allowed to change my mind, allowed to make up a boundary and see how I feel about it, allowed to change the boundaries I make if they no longer work for me.
I did some of the first because of the 2nd two.... I was living in fear and anxiety because my gut knew what he was doing... I ignored my gut... my body and mind deteriorated because I ignored my gut .... the first time he did the doo doo test... I gave in.. his reaction was ..... I will never apologize to you because you made me do it.... lifetime movie... I stayed.. and it never got better in true abuser form.... 😢😢
This information has come at the perfect time for me, when this exact thing just happened! At work, I spoke up for myself and got attacked and verbally bullied. And this explains exactly what is going on, and how I need to stop interacting with this person from now on. Thank you for your help Meredith!
This video has helped me so much dealing with a narcissist mother and ex boyfriend. Thank you ❤❤❤
I had that first experience of acceptance of boundaries with my therapist. I could not believe it but I quickly accepted it as normal and was so thankful for the gift of the first time.
Comfortable speaking my truth not being afraid of their anger.
I have the right and responsibility to speak up for myself set boundaries and teach them how I want to be treated.
Listening to my body gut and intuition.
No, I was beaten that was my programming for the two patterns. This is GREAT information!!!!
Thank you Meredith
I saw a manipulator and an abuser around every corner initially. It became difficult to speak up when needed because I did not want to be the supply that others were manipulating. I still try to avoid most problematic people and stick with those more safe.
Thank you so much, Meredith! I thought I was the only one that had my Mom threaten to call the police when I didn't immediately answer her texts! Your channel has been SO helpful to me and I'm starting my healing process now. I'm hoping that at the age of 48 I can try to re-design my life the way I want it to be.
Omg, yes this brings it all back. The mother used to call out our names and we would have to go and find her, then she would say never mind. And ignore us. If we ever called out for her, she would say I can't hear you, and then we would have to go to her and she would make us feel like we had bothered and interrupted her. If we truly didn't hear her calling we would get left out, punished as she wouldn't ask twice. Always being punished. Goodness I hate here, for the lasting damage she has left. At 43 I'm still unraveling these programs.
Hi, don't worry it's a global issue. I'm French, and at 74 years old, my mother is twin with yours on this subject!
I'm 54 and still trying to work around all this..
Thank you for saying this comment. I had forgotten... my mom did the exact same thing. There are so many symptoms of Narc abuse, and for so long I just thought it was normal behavior for a parent. Now I’m realizing how many of her behaviors were not normal. It’s so encouraging to KNOW why I’m so screwed up. It’s not me. It’s her. It’s a relief to hear comments from other Narc abused people. THANK YOU.
My mom would always call us from the other room... we had to rush to her... but if we ever called for her name we'd get the response "do I look like a dog to you? " biiiiitch
Yes, I need to improve keeping my "No" as "No" . My family pushes for information. My sister asked me about my involvement with a neighbor and I answered her, knowing it wasn't her business. She even went to him to ask him what was up between us. No boundaries whatsoever in our family.
I felt guilt agree I moved away from my family and even guilt i didn't answer. My mom started calling from different numbers.
I also have struggled to say what I need as an adult, even not knowing what I want.
The best things to get away from a narrastic man.
I keep reminding I don't have to answer all at once and it good that I value myself and find time for myself to. I always speak up for myself and stand up for myself.
Setting boundaries is good.
I agree not all people are that way good to be understanding to.
I know right not everyone should asumse things.
Respect is given not earn.
People try to attack me or reverse things. I walk away from these people.
Not sorry I stand up for myself.
I have finally come out of the mental shadow of my Mum and realised what she really is. I look back on my upbringing and there was a lot of good but also emotional blackmail. Words that stood out to me was 'obligation' and I remember there being a sense of entitlement from my parents growing up. The hard part for me now is figuring out what is real, and it is starting to effect my long term relationship. Luckily I am very supported by my partner through all this, but we are both tired of this emotional roller-coaster I/we are on.... I am seeing a psychologist at the moment and I'm worried I won't be able to correct these toxic patterns. These patterns are so ingrained and it is making me look deep and hard at my conditioning or blue print of who I think I am. I know there is a mentally healthier version of me at the end of this healing path, but I need to learn to combat the shame of putting myself first and not feeling guilty about it. I suppose that is what narcissists do right? They teach you that they are entitled and to always put them first....
It's time to break this pattern. It's scary being outside my comfort zone, but I have to keep telling myself that this is a good kinda scary.
I'm sending support out there to others who are victims of such experiences.
I am also learning to not demonise my Mum so bad through this process as to not put her on a pedestal of negativity and blowing it out of proportion. Yes, they were bad communications, but she is only human, who just happens to have a tonne of triggers. But it's important for me to learn that her healing, is not my responsibility.
Love and light to you for reading this massive message and I hope it has helped in some way ❤️❤️
I never even realized that I did this until I heard your video. It never even enters my mind that I can say “no” or that I had a right to say how I felt and that how I felt even mattered
Yes, once identified your true self and false self ego.
cures your anxiety. Knowledge of narc abuse getting in touch with that inner child and false self.... Such powerful stuff.
👍
"I'm sorry if you were offended." "Don't be so sensitive." "He's got his nose out of joint." "He's just going through a phase." I heard those a lot.
I’m sorry. I agree. (Seriously)
These are the exact type of things I need to hear. Thank you for these recovery videos. Perfect delivery and topic choices. I love it
Wow , you are spot on !!
It's nice that you are helping people who have no clue what Happened to them !!
These two methods of IDing a narcissist are what finally revealed the narcissist in my life. I never realized it until this video! Thank you...I can now go on with my life and use these methods in the future!
I have so much grief from the lifetime of smears and manipulations I can only cry, try to recover, have moments of maybe I am ok and them back to cry, repeat, cry repeat. Good Luck. This is soul murder.
I love how you finish your videos
“I’m sending you all a big hug”
Thank you, the right words just at the right time! Last night my Narc.patents, with whom I have been having a no-contact situation for a while, informed me via my friend that if I do not respond, they will call police and notify them about me going missing. And this is happening despite me clearly letting them know before that no further communication is going to happen. Now they are bombarding my friend and demanding updates on me. My poor friend became a middleman and I am very sorry for exposing all of this ugliness to innocent people, but at this point, it is even more clear to me that no direct communication is going to happen.
All true! Thank you.
This video is Gold only 3 min in ✨
This was such a great video. I needed this.
Narcissists often use violence. My mother would pull my hair and hit me almost daily because I didn't do all the house choirs perfectly at 10 years of age. When I was 16 she would hit me in front of my friends from school at the bus stop. Humiliating. One of those friends became my husband. We have been married 30 years and he learnt it was o.k. to be emotionally and physically abusive from her. She taught him it was acceptable to treat me that way. My husband has tried to destroy every single good occasion and dream I have had in life. I have completed a university degree and had a great career despite him hitting me to stop me from achieving these goals. I keep in mind that he probably would have hit me even if I had not achieved my goals and been his door mat LOL. It has only been in the last year I have discovered what a narcissist is despite doing marriage councelling twice. What a waste of time and money psychologists are. Thank you so much for your videos Meredith. You have made a great difference in my life
Awww... Congratulations on your degree and hopefully on your divorce too. I wish you every happiness. May you find people who support your goals, and self-care rather than trying to crush them. You're very strong. Good luck.
Meredith!! I actually clapped several times during this lol. The way you worded everything was just perfect. I needed the permission you offered so so greatly. Thank You!!!
Excellent! Just what I needed today. I spoke up for myself, asked that my boundary be respected, and was met with a whole list of reactions that I did NOT want, like blame shifting, shaming, denial, rewriting facts, and throwing back accusations and insults. I was hoping for a sorry or for an explanation, but this is what I got and it didn't entirely surprise me. What is amazing about this experience is that I REMEMBER what I'm doing in a sense. I UNDERSTAND the 'do not abandon YOURSELF' a bit better now and how normal it is to stand up for myself. And that I don't have to apologize for it. I am mingling with the reactions with a bit of guilt or self blame but I see that I am doing that and I'm not sure I want to go that route anymore!
Abusers are very very ill! Be compassionate but be firm! This has helped me and it is a very tough, lonely battle but is definitely worth it!
After months of emotional trauma, where he came back into my life, then abruptly left again, I found myself calling and calling him. As I'm listening to a few aspects of narcissistic abuse, I'm also seeing myself. I was the one calling and texting and trying to get an answer. I went out of my way to be validated and to be "right" because I couldn't stand the picture he was painting of me. I know now that I never could have prevented him from making the manipulative moves he did. However, I feel so much shame that I allowed him to make me spiral into doing things (calling and emailing and obsessively trying) that I never would normally do. It makes him have a lot of power over me and honestly makes HIM look "right." I've never experienced something so sick in my life. I'm so glad to be on the healing side of this. Thank you for your videos.
Thank you. Finally a start to work on ending a pattern.
Merideth, every time you articulate these situations you put into words what is so elusive to describe to others. Until you say these things I can't even articulate what I went through. You are wonderful, thank you
Thank you so much for your videos Meredith! Explains the guilt I have and anxiousness when I don't want to answer and feel the need to answer right away. Speaking up for myself has continually been paralyzing and anxious for me or not speaking up at all (why bother, going to get shot down, put down, dismissed or unheard anyway) and I know this is something that is so required. Thanks for the guidance on how to move forward. :) Work related issues (due to long time patterns since childhood throughout my life) this will be very helpful for if I can be sure to pause first. Thank you! :) Kathy
Thank you Meredith. I have had my mom call the police when I was taking a nap and would not get the phone so I totally understood what you were talking about. 👍❤
Me too! My narc cousin gathered a search party to look for me for hours while we were on an out of town trip. I was in our rental van taking a nap. I told her this before I went to take the nap. She always would create opportunites to make people think I was the crazy one. Even though most if not all people knew she was nuts(and would make this known to me privately)
These MFs are bat shit crazy. If you are blessed to get away from these soul sucking demons, RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT BECAUSE IT DOES!!!!
Can't stop crying , you nailed it ..
I am still waiting on the relationship where I am not used.
It's hard to see the difference between ghosting, manipulating, or just going away to process. There's a fine line. Sometimes they do both.
This was absolutely a pattern in my life from childhood, recently ended a narcissistic relationship and was searching for healing and trying to figure out how this happened to me. WOW the insights, wish I found you sooner, but I am learning. Thank you!!!
Thank you very much Meredith, what an amazing words of wisdom to live by.
I have the right (not a choice )and the responsibility to speak up for myself.
Words I am learning at 45 year old.
How about learning this at 57 , well I’m glad I’m learning at this age!
Well, I am learning at 65
Thank you all for posting your age. I have been feeling stupid for not learning this before I got to 54. Especially as I know that it has prolonged an illness I got at 14. I felt like I needed them because my health meant I struggled financially and was alone etc but they left me to it despite me only living 10 minutes away. Now I live 45 minutes away they feel justified in their neglect but I finally feel free and safe. Thank God for the Internet or we might never have seen the light. Thank you Meredith. I like how she keeps it short. I find over 10 mins too much to take in. Recovery takes energy!
I grew up with these 2 patterns. My father expected me to drop whatever I was doing or planning to do every time he wanted something. That’s why I kept attracting partners, employers or customers who thought they could call me at anytime (midnight, 5 am etc) and I would answer. Only recently and in great part thanks to your videos have I begun to break that. My mother had me punished every time I spoke for myself and so did my ex wife and my former employers. This video helped me see it and I will get to work on it right now.
So well explained. . I have been noticing this in my life around people more and more and you have just confirmed that the way I’ve been listening to my intuition for the exact same reasons is spot on. I have had to let some friends go because they won’t respect my boundaries and are behaving entitled around my time, my resources and I feel it’s less of a friendship and more about their own needs. Thank you Meredith.
Oh WOW! Both patterns, totally, totally me. I have a hard time not responding quickly to people or screening calls when the timing is bad for me. And definitely I struggle to speak up, assert my needs. Oh my, this is so me I am a bit stunned at the moment. I know I was raised by narcissistic parents but I still go into denial about that at times, this video erases all denial.
Watching this makes me realize how good my parents were. They were strict but fair
Wow! So right on!Thank you!.I will listen to this video every morning for the rest of my life!♡
Thank you so much for this ❤️
I seem to attract/be attracted to these same types of people in adulthood.... so the consequences that I fear, keep happening.
I grew up with a passive narcissistic mother, not overtly aggressive, appeared a victim, soft spoken, never raised her voice, but used projection of her feelings onto her kids, singled out two as the golden kids who could do no wrong and naturally they were always on side with her when she attacked in the psychological sense - false accusations - the silent treatment - etc., then placing myself and older brother in the position of surrogate parents in a chaotic household. My older sister was the more aggressive bully type of narcissist, always making demeaning comments, physically abusive, looking down on us as if she were superior, using us as babysitters, then distancing us because we were beneath her. After living far away from family for years, I returned to my home town and could observe more objectively. I got anxious when my older sister was coming to visit. If it took me two minutes to get down from my apartment to meet her at the foyer, she'd sneer and say 'here she comes, the slow one'. If I didn't answer her calls immediately no matter what time of day or night, she say, 'you can forget about people you know', she'd arrange to meet me in a specific location, then call to ask 'where are you', I'd say 'where we planned to meet', she'd say 'well I'm at your home, I told you it was difficult to park in the location we were' meeting' as if I were to read her mind, that it meant she be waiting at my home. If I moved a glass on the table, she said in a demeaning tone 'what are you doing'! that suggested I was doing something stupid. he was behind their falling out. It was cruel and destroyed all the relationships in my family. The worst of her behaviour was the 'triangulation' causing huge arguments between all of our siblings and not one of them understanding that sEventually I caught on, through the terrible anxiety I felt every time she'd arrange to meet, or call. I eventually told her in no uncertain terms where to go. I never spoke up for myself, because she' either sneer or become extremely aggressive. Now I speak up, respectfully to anyone who has offended me and we work through it, that was tough the first time, I did tell myself a story about how it was going to end and I was wrong. I don't answer any texts or calls if I'm not in the mood, if I'm tired, of busy, until I have the time. I still do too much out of anxiety, but I'm getting there, I work too hard, I almost always say yes, if someone invites me anywhere, but am learning to say no when I'm really not in the mood and needless to say, I have no contact with my sister. I like the breathing space I now have to explore who I am without this domineering and spiteful presence in my life. On reflection I can see how my sisters narcissistic behaviour impacted my life even after moving away, no confidence, fearful of speaking up, always trying to please everyone and getting used and abused in the process. Not any more. Keep reading and looking at youtube presentations on this subject, there's a lot to learn and it takes time, but it's worth it. I understood very well in the end, that the very worst punishment you can inflict on a narcissist is to totally ignore them, starve them of their need to destroy. My sister has run out of people to bully and manipulate and she is left to deal with the thoughts she's been running away from all her life.......that she is not the clever, undetected spiteful person that she thought she was and no one to punish for being found out.
Best advice... "Don't create stories in your mind before you investigate the facts" and "Allow the person to reveal themselves." I'm going to remember those two. :)
I feel like you did this for me. It is ringing true. Thank you so much for doing this. Your videos are really helping me. God Bless.