I agree...somewhat...l likened it in my situation to me standing on the edge of a cliff, and them being the final push that left me with no choice but to spread my wings....the view from up here....😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯
This is great advice because if you see this song building block that you were foolish enough to give credit for, and I've been there and done that with the MPD who eventually discarded me after I finally stood up to them, former close confidant male pal, like the presenter / educator / life coach on narcissist told us another video, they're really going to come at you if you give them another chance and hurt you twice as bad to be passive aggressive not too long after because they hate the fact that you escaped. It's classic narcissistic injury. But this warning is really good because with trauma bonds and all, if we're not done being kicked around yet we're just sitting herself up so this keeps us from some other excuse or we justify that we can just some out handle the abuse better the next time it happens. as much as I want to kick myself for having put myself there a few too many times in the past with a person or other, forgiveness and just acting and faking till you make it you know but ultimately not giving in to their demands is going way to go for me. SCCM meeting rooms for people in recovery, progress not perfection! but at some point in these situations we have enough progress and regression and we just have to just say NO PERMANENTLY once and for all! especially after they try the Hoover after they discarded us for the third or fourth time or whatever without telling us even... These people love games like this and this is why you cannot give these people any credit if they become a good stepping stone... Like many others say in the comment or one other person at least said I mean in the comment area, you created that spiritual growth Jared.. it's all you, baby!
I really like the toughness in these videos. You have to be tough to get through this. It's in the abused person's nature to be empathetic, but empathy will not get you through the healing process. One of the most positive things that will happen while healing is that you become smarter and stronger than before. You become more aware that people with these types of disorders exist and that they are very dangerous to your well-being. We can't look for good attributes in the people who hurt us regularly.
Paul LaQuesse nowadays its said that that we all have traumas. No one has perfect parents and life in general is not black or white. Some abusive relationships are more equal in a sense that both partners act out their childhood /later traumas on other (typically npd/bpd combo). It is vitally important to grow out from destructive inner models/indoctrination in order to live a better life. It is also important to as honest as possible of the reasons what made you compatible for another dysfunctional person. Codependency is a default setting for many woman. If you have addictions yourself it makes you a whole lot weaker. I think there is nothing wrong in trying to understand abusive ex partners background but ONLY when you ve found your own boundaries and autonomy and have had no contact for years. Actually its only then when it can be possible. You just accept that this person was disturbed just as you could have been also at that time. Some people can grow. This would be a far better world if far more of us wanted to do the dirty work of taking responsibility of ones own life.
that's what my grandma, the mother of my Narc mother, loves to say and used to say to me whenever I wanted to leave my Narc mum "but she means well" "that's her way of showing you she loves you, she's justnot very good at it" "but have you always been perfect? don't be so hard on her" ETC
Vegan Yogi for the too longest time I was spiritual bi- passing in my striving to be the better person, striving to spiritually emotionally rise above the abuse to remain in compassion for my dangerous psycho. What a joke.
now you are learning your vision will become clearer and clearer ...you just got to laugh. try your best not to hold ager towards yourself as I did, the world needs more people like you x
You are the most articulate and most uplifting to listen to and watch on the subject of NPD. I look like a freakin bobble head while watching your videos because I'm nodding yes, the whole way through. The most resonant and authentic information comes from those with personal experience. No doubt about it, you know of what you speak.
Whenever somebody tells you: "I am not good enough for you, you deserve better". RUN!! Because THIS is the truth- and don't buy in this pity ploy. They know that they are a piece of crap and that they treat you like shit. Best reaction to this: Yes I totally agree with you- and this is why we are done now! And then RUN...and never go and look back! It's wasting time, wasted love!
Karen, oh my gosh! You are so right! Your advice is spot on! Hahaha! "Yes I totally agree with you - and this is why we are done now! And then RUN." Perfect response.
I love the way this woman says "treat you like shit" It's so perfect such a great speaker. Keep doing the videos I can relate to 100% of everything you say that has been done to me. Thank You.
Healing and moving on from the evil things is contingent upon living in reality and completely removing the illusion they created. The biggest illusion is that there's even an ounce if good in them. If anyone that is a good person can do the horrible and heinus things they do means that shred of niceness amounts to absolutely nothing. Avoid these demons at all cost!
This comment is everything!!!!!! You are so right. I couldn't like this comment enough. Like I've read before: "if that was love, I can't imagine what hate is".
I don't normally comment on videos, but was so taken aback by what you had to say that I had to say thank you! I am not alone! This really IS a thing, and there is hope for freedom. You are reiterating exactly what my mother has been telling me about my ex husband and father of my children. I keep thinking there is some good in him, when there really isn't... It's all just manipulation. Please keep making videos. They help more than you can imagine.
Eileen B I hear my narcissist grandmother saying, "I choose to see the good in people" when that isn't very true when it comes to me but only anyone I was ever having trouble with and made the poor choice to go to her for some support it 'wisdom'.
Exactly! For about three months in the last year I was with the ex, I daily documented all his slights, from leaving the house early "to miss rush hour traffic" (at 4 am?!), no phone calls or texts, "staying late at work" till 10 or 11 at night, rages, silent treatment, etc. These lists a friend said were hurting me, so I should stop, and I eventually did. What she didn't know is that I could use them as reminders of the ex's negative behaviors when I had gone no contact and was feeling lonely for the good times we had shared, and wanted to contact the ex. They helped me to remember the reasons why I left, so I wouldn't contact him!
BRAVO!!! Yes absolutely, the lists and everything you write down to document the abuse will be precisely helpful when you will feel lonely and want to contact him again! Never break NC..like...ever! Good job, keep your lists. I myself am doing them because I have lots of guild in leaving...which I still haven't done.
Mike D Thank you. Good luck on your plans to leave. I took from December of 2015 (instituted new bank accounts when the ex took out money from my account for a friend at Christmas without asking), till March of this year, to move out completely (7 months, as of March 14/legal separation complete March 10). There had been signs throughout the 19.5 years living together and almost 9 years of intermittent dating. By three years ago October, I started EMDR therapy to stay sane and deal with PTSD. I'm almost baa-aaack to the person I would have been without the ex. I do make one gesture of thanks to him. If he hadn't behaved so badly, I might have toughed it out longer. Instead, his behavior drove me to help myself heal, with therapy. You can do what's necessary and heal. Blessings.
Nettonya, great idea! I did that too when i got no validation from others, and still do it as a reminder from time to time. Mike D, is your narc a spouse / girlfriend or f.o.o.?
Thank you, this is very encouraging, especially your timeline. I'm almost on month number 7 after realizing something was wrong. I have to talk to a lawyer to make things "right" and not rush and make mistakes. Taking money without asking is a cliche for narcs, doing anything without asking or involving you is completely normal for them. Mine planned a trip with a friend without asking me or telling me for Thanksgiving and when I told her "and what am I going to do home alone??" she said "oh you will find something to do". Yeah I will talk to a lawyer LOL! That's my Thanksgivign activity. GRIN! She also planned trips for Easter and Forth of July without me. I have no family and her family does not invite me anywhere.
I'm currently dealing with 2 female narcs: one is spouse, the other one is a friend who clings to me for supply. Spouse is very covert, uses 1000 tricks to appear good on the surface and in public, then at home I'm in hell. It is 7AM she just left for work, and she already said 3 nasty things to me, I'm sure without realizing it. Criticism and looking down on me is her favorite.
I agree to that 100% and needed the validation. The strange thing is that all the therapists I have been to have said things like - they must have had a bad childhood or think of the good they did etc. As if these things exuse the calculated violent behavior. It does not help the victim to heal. Quite the opposite.
What I have heard from the abused: "What he/she did never felt like abuse to me" " I'm not going to disparage him/her because he/she is the father /mother of my children and deserves respect for that" "I don't think he/she is a full blown narcissist. Maybe has some traits." " My adult children don't need to be made aware of this in their father/mother" " There is so much good in him/her" " I don't want thinking about /acknowledging the bad things/times to negate the good ones" " Everyone else thinks he/she is terrific. It must be me" "I don't think he/she does these hurtful things on purpose.. it's just the way he/she is" "I wasn't able to meet his/her expectations. I was inadequate and a disappointment. "I just bring out the worst in him/her" It s very difficult to move forward with these remnants of denial hanging on. It continually triggers the self blame and fear, loyalty and sympathy. Anyone who can do this much damage to another person is absolutely evil ... intentionally or not. They essentially corrupt a life. Thanks so much Meredith, for your videos. ❤️
It isn't necessarily "remnant's of denial hanging on..." Many, many times it is false beliefs that you have been taught by parent's and society and.....especially in the religious communities
Yes, it was exactly so. But somehow this so called kindness didn't feel right. It tasted bittersweet. And the longer the abuse was this kind of kindness could only make me even more angry. He kissed me I love you every morning before going to work. It was so disgusting .
You know how you know it's fake? Because if you accept their gifts and attention without enthusiasm, but just being very neutral, THEY DON'T CARE! Typically if you give somebody a gift, you kind of expect them to be at least surprised or happy. You are expecting an emotional reactions. When a narc is love bombing you after doing something mean to you, they dont really care how you react to the love bombing, as long as it keeps coming and it confuses you...they are fine. They reached their goal. A bunch of automatrons.
Oh yeah...saying "I love you too" back is incredibly hard!!! i know it's not love what they call "love", so I dont want to call it back like that. This stuff messes with your head!
This vid is not only for a personal romantic relationship but also in the arena for emotionally abusive narcissistic bosses towards their employees. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this. Been separated since 1/31/17. Broke no contact for my 13 year old's birthday, and started to feel confused emotionally by his acts of kindness. False hope and cognitive dissonant was sinking in, and felt way to good. Slippery slope.
beautiful and well said, i love the part about piercing the denial and cognitive dissonance. I have a lot of people that attend a codependency group that i go to with this and it really triggers me as some of them are still in an abusive relationship it gets me ruminating about leaving the narc and "maybe it wasn't that bad" thoughts your videos always put me straight tho so thank you for the truth xx
This is so important... I feel like our brains our defence mechanisms do start to forget the bad ... and it’s so vital to journal make videos to make sure that we remember the reality of the narcopath not what our brains are telling us... I told a story about him recently then a few days later went wait a minute that’s not what happened at all he was a complete asshole to me that whole time ... it was actually scary that my brain had filtered out the bad !
Predators are gaming at you to pity them from the beginning, by playing victim, normalizing abuse, rationalization, gaslighting, and many other tactics. Predators want you to pity them, but they never deserve love or sympathy, because abusers are your enemies. Know who you are and who they are. They are your enemies and their goal is to destroy you. Victims are not suppose to be responsible to take care of their predators! For victims to be "kind" to abusers, it is not an act of kindness at all, it is falling into the narcissist trap yet again.
My 'Mother' tried to fake hug me for the second time in my life, when I told her to get out of my house, and that I was going No Contact with her, something I had done previously, and had tried to maintain, but she broke by forcing a fake 'reunion' between us at a relative's funeral (the first hug). The second 'hug' attempt was honestly one of the most sickening things I've ever seen in my life, from a woman that had deliberately withheld affection from me my entire life, to attempt to use it against me, to prevent me rightfully asking her to leave, as she sat there telling me how she was telling family members, friends and neighbours, falsely yet again, that I was 'abusing her', and laughing about all the attention she was getting by doing so, with no thought whatsoever of the consequences for me, as usual. To have someone try and use affection against you, knowing they've starved you of it your entire life, as a means of manipulating you, was just horrifying in the extreme. The utter fakeness and 'loveydoveyness' in her voice as she approached me, arms outstretched, sounds ridiculous to people not in this situation, but was like something out of a horror film for me, because it was basically like being enveloped by a sociopath. I backed away from her in disgust, totally rightfully as far as I'm concerned, and threw her out of my house. Just the sheer audacity of it truly pissed me off. I was 42 at the time, she couldn't love me, hug me or lift a finger to help me, and went out of her way to make my life a misery for 42 bloody years, but suddenly she wants something and has wronged me and NOW she wants a hug. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!
I left my husband almost two months ago. Listening this reminds me when he used to bring me a "gift "and told me that he bought it because I behaved good. I hated.
It’s ok to see the good in the abuser, the greater issue is not seeing one’s own goodness and one own’s derserving of being well treated. If your compassion does not include yourself it is incomplete. Honor yourself first and you would never let another treat you poorly.
His ‘acts of kindness’ negated his abusive acts. False hope was alive & well. Thankfully I woke up and exited. At the time I did not understand that the ‘kind’ side of him was manipulation. I was certain he was sincere - I was dead wrong.
Very good Meredith! I would like to add for anyone still in it, the danger levels can be life or death. Take care all and learn from those of us who embraced the healing journey. Meredith is spot on!
I thought I was different and my Narc was not dangerous. Turns out she cancelled my health insurance without telling me, and I was not covered for 16 months. How dangerous is that? oh plus I have to pay a penalty to the government of $2600 for not having insurance, but that's just a detail...
Mike D my estranged husband married another woman and now he's sitting in jail for criminal domestic abuse and violation of probation. When he was required to turn over his guns, he only turned in a few (he still has quite a few more). I'll be filing for divorce while he's incarcerated. These people are dangerous af.
Guns? OMG so glad you are living by yourself now. If he is this dangerous and you are afraid that he might do something once out of jail, you should really go Gray Rock Method on him. Look it up , if you have not done so already, it is very powerful with these individuals. Love and light!
Mike D I've gone no contact for over a year and moved out of state. If I testify for the other woman (who he committed bigamy with) I will definitely use the grey rock method, no eye contact at all. Fyi, please safeguard your finances, they'll take everything with out blinking an eye. Blessings to you!
I'm shocked. I feel like you've been following me around. I've been going through this. You say all the words that I've heard. It's absolutely uncanny. Thank you so much for doing these videos.
I admire the strength in your ability to say all these things and not relapse in your own healing. Thank you for saying this in such a real way. It's so true and exactly the reminder I needed today.
Amazing video the information you shared is so valuable. So many people are in relationships like this and do not even know. I just realized after watching your video that about a year ago I was in a relationship like this. I knew there was something wrong but I had no idea what to call it. Like so many other people, I kept holding on to the idea of the good in that person. It just prolonged the miserable relationship. Until I realized it was enough time wasted and there was no chance of change in this person. My happiness was just a dream with this person. Best thing I did was let go and never look back. I wish high school students would take classes to inform them of these behaviors in people. It would be a great life skill to at least help them identify the issue. Thanks again!
Hi Meredith, this video was SO helpful and just when I needed it. Following your advice and going full no contact had given me space to start healing from narc abuse BUT had also allowed me to recover enough to start thinking about my abuser with compassion and without feeling so much crushing pain. I knew this was dangerous when I started to consider breaking no contact. Once again you’ve kept me on the path to recovery. Thank you so much. Big hug to you xx
Journaling and revisiting what you’ve journaled is awesome. I have revisited some of my thoughts and been able to label manipulation, love bombing, etc. it’s super enlightening. 🤯
My therapist kept telling me I had to put on my "compassionate curiosity" hat when interacting with my abusive siblings. I'm scapegoat in family. Her advice was that my siblings are so wounded, they need to hurt me. I need to be more compassionate and understanding of them. I had to stop going to her. I got zero validation.
I was in am abusive relationship for well over 20 years. It took me about two/three years after to really admit I was abused and to see him as an abuser and not a "good guy." Scary how brainwashed I was in so many ways. My reality and perception of the world and myself was transformed. I am four years out. The first 2 years, I ran and saw the world like a honeymoon period (the freedom was wonderful) and the last two years have been rough. I recognized, learned, and felt what happened probably for the first time. It's been rough. I am grateful am I out. I know I never deserved it. I know now I am valued and loveable. I'm still sad I never knew healthy love and for the loss of kids, jobs, time with family, friends, normalcy, loss is myself and my dreams... Still going through periods of anger and grief. I'm ok feeling it because I know it leads to still waters and a better life.
This is very helpful Meredith. Especially the part about differentiating between people who are unknowingly acting out their traumas and people who are choosing to be abusers.
I went NC cut off the Narc, now he's gone beyond threatening me to threatening my 26 year old son of bodily harm, since they live in same town. Police absolutely no help. Narc is a drunken mess no one wants to deal with. I moved 1000 miles away for safety reasons.
I had to do the same. Look up in the state your in for a program called: Address Confidentiality Program. You will have your mail sent to a location at the state. Then they forward it to you. Usually you can contact the State Attorney General and they can help you. If your son loved with you he can be included in the program as well. Prayers are with you for protection.
Thanks for this video. You gave me the reminder that I needed to try to stay away from my ex as much as possible. The love bombing that he attempted to do have tried to lure me back in. Especially since I have been going through things recently.
It's incredible how much you know. I have been through this but no more abuse of any sort. Yei, I feel liberated and happy for the first time in my life. Love listening to you.💓
Oh my God Meredith! So thankful for this video right now! I noticed I’ve already watched this in the past, but I have been really spiraling lately with longing and confusion about my ex who just chose to just break up with me and block me on all mediums. The lack of closure has killed me! But you are so concise in helping us confused victims know what lines have been crossed! So thanks again
I'm currently going through this. I can only seem to remember the good and not the life changing devastation they caused. I seem to only attract these types of people.
Those perceived acts of kindness were actually the hook that kept me for so long in that relationship. I wish I had known before that it all was just a manipulation. I used to rationalize his behaviour from my own perspective and now I know this was absolutely a wrong thing to do. Luckily, I'm out of that relationship already. Thank you for sharing all this incredibly useful information.
Before I knew the narc's game the Christian way is how I dealt with it. The narcs won. These people are the devil, don't listen to them, ignore them, avoid them, be thankful everyday you are not one of them. I'm leaving them for Jesus to deal with, I'm to busing living.
Perfectly explained! I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel with my narcissit as we speak. Thank you for your help in giving mental clarity to such an awful negative experience☺
Such an important topic to address. Thank you again for sharing your insight in your wonderful videos. You are doing a lot of good and helping make the world a better place.
This is so true! I like the picture of Lucy and Charlie Brown and pulling out the football. That is exactly it. I've hear people say, "Well, hurt people hurt people," and "Hurt dogs bite their owners." But people can choose to treat you kindly or not. I'm not falling for the con or the hoovering any more. It is safer to keep your distance from a wolf.
This is so true; but so hard for me to implement. Having been the scapegoat it's so hard to label others as heartless or users or dangerous- especially when they are my mom. But, she'll always make me regret becoming dependent or trusting in any way. I guess I have to be strong and realize, for now at least, I have to label her as crazy and dangerous (cause she is) in order to detach successfully. Thanks so much Meredith. You are always on point!!
Yes Meredith this is spot on thank you for this message healing is happening every time I watch your videos 😊 narcs are heartless and have a reason for everything they want to use you in every way
I understand. I texted him on his birthday, I knew he’d be alone. It’s such a struggle I don’t wish him any harm, Stay strong - we can do it and Meredith will help us.
Am currently reading Psycopath Free. Thinking back to the "good" in the narc is what kept me stuck trying to figure out if he is really a narc or not but that book... Put the final nail in the coffin of my healing process. It's like someone turned my relationship into a novel and gave it to the public to learn from because the tactics and my reactions to them were so neck and neck to what Jackson was describing. It's so bizarre. You'll see what a waste of mental energy it is to even think for a SECOND that there may be a less than a milligram of good in them after reading that book!
I need to get this book. I still have this stupid guilt..what if they are not 100% narcs...what if they need my help. My brain is going blah blah...all the time!
Mike D Its on Audible. You can listen to it free for 30 days if you don't already have an account. I like the audio book cause I can listen to it as I get stuff done around the house. It's been a year since my relationship and I've still been asking those same questions till I came across this book!
My mother used to justify my father's worst behaviours with the fact that he had a terrible childhood. She didn't really care about ours. She was convinced he was a good person, always praised him and never said a word of criticism even if the abuse occurred right in front of her eyes. She was completely codependent.
More specifically, I think it's important to realize that even the most intelligent of people could mistake trauma bonding for love, depending on their past experiences. This is horribly sad, because they would work harder to make the relationship "right", therefore potentially creating more of these bonds.
It's because maybe we feel guilty because after being affected so long we have dropped the ball and not done so well, and our faces don't light up when they come in so we feel guilty about that. And they will say you don't care about me. Also we let all this happen so it's our fault for letting it go on.
My mom’s thing was always to do something that would really bother me. She would deflect everything I said and make it about anything except her. She would call into question my judgment and my assessment of my own feelings by suggesting that I was upset by something else, like I just had a bad day at school, or something. So I could get nowhere. I would feel even angrier, and then I would storm off, and be seething about this thing, because I just couldn’t express myself and be heard. So meanwhile, the next time I saw her, she would be chipper and chatty, as of nothing had happened. This is still true today, and I am in my 30’s. It is like she would go off somewhere, clear all the feelings for herself, without ever dealing with how I felt. And come back and it would be like it never happened. The “perceived” or “intended to be perceived as” act of “kindness” here was “forgiveness.” She would internally “forgive” me for being upset about whatever it was. And so, by “letting it go,” she ways got to look like the morally superior person, where as I was flawed and faulty for having my feelings, and for being angry about whatever the thing was she did that was wrong to me in the first place. She has never once acknowledged in the moment, if she did something wrong. If she ever did after the fact, she would say that “everyone has blind spots,” or that she is just human and makes mistakes. But she has never fully taken responsibility. And by doing this the way she does, it means she never actually apologizes. She makes me wrong, and then “forgives me,” even though I have apologized for nothing, putting me in the position of feeling like a jerk if I then act angry when she has “forgiven” me. So anyway. That was Long-winded... I also have a question. What about people who support the abuser in the same way that they do themselves, or like when we make excuses for them. What if, for example, if I say I think my mom was a narcissist and that she abused me, friends or family will say, “she was doing the best she could.” “We’re all human.” Etc., etc.? It happens all. The. Time. No one wants to hear my version of my reality. They all want to rush to defend her. And then I look bad for “insulting” her, and it just perpetuates the abuse. For the record, I am not talking to either of my parents right now. And most people know this about me. But I can’t really talk about why. Because if I try to get into the specifics like this, whomever I am talking to will rush to their defense. “They love you so much,” “They are so proud of you,” “I’m sure they were just doing their best. We all make mistakes. Sometimes you just have to forgive.” I know that they are just being nice. But these phrases make me feel sick. Because they aren’t really hearing me. And defending my abusers makes me feel traumatized again and isolated even more. My only solace is that at least I believe I am correct about my experience. But oftentimes I feel like the only one
True true TRUE. There are lots of good people out there, don't look for the good in an abuser. I left my x 12 years ago, and slowly, slowly, the abuse, drama baits and slurs dwindled to nothing because I stopped responding. When I met him briefly to handover the kids, he wouldn't look me in the eye, but I thought that was just pride. But 12 years, TWELVE YEARS !! after leaving, he is now writing abusive letters again, blaming me for poisoning kids against him. Everything is my fault. Over the last five years because he has acted formally towards me and paid maintenance, I wondered if he'd had any insights, any growth. Afterall, i have grown so much, it seemed grandiose of me to assume I had grown but that he had not. So I attributed a more aware mindset to him than the one he has revealed in his letters. He is stuck in exactly the same place he was 12 years ago. NO CHANGE AT ALL. I was delusional thinking that just because he wasn't abusing me in the moment he had had some epiphanies! no.
I'm 7 and a half weeks no contact...and this time it's permanent. I've learnt so much following Meredith Miller and reading "The Journey ". I used to say the narc was like Jekyll and Hyde constantly! I now understand what was happening to me.
Wow, this was the exact subject that has been on my mind all day. It is about piercing the denial about my narc mom. I just have kept slipping back into unawareness of what has happened and when I do that I have no way to relieve the shame because I assume it is me and not the abuse.
That's an excellent insight, how when we slip into the unawareness of what happened we have no way to alleviate the shame because we internalize it and forget that it came from the abuse. I'm going to make a video on psychosomatic manifestations of that internalized shame. My body used to do that with my mom's abuse. If it's alright with you, I'd like to read your insight about the shame in the video.
CynthiaSchoenbauer I never had a taste of my late Mom's affection. Everytime she touches me is pain. I never joined the fraternity for honor students when I learned what Hell Night is. Told the recruiting master that I hv enough of daily hell days n nights (hazing) for 18 yrs.
Yes, I understand. When my mother touched me my skin would crawl. It is so good for us to understand this completely so that we can lift the reality and trauma of it off of ourselves and live in peace and happiness with that experience left in the past. My mom is dead too. Thank God! She was holding too much over me for me to experience any freedom ie: My house, All family relationships, My relationship with her dog whom I love, etc.... She had a vise grip on my life. She was holding complete control while she was alive.
Thank you for all you put out. It is so helpful in such a confusing time. And I love that sometimes you wear makeup, sometimes you don't (and you are beautiful regardless ❤️). I was trained for 12 years that I was basically hideous without makeup and gorgeous with it 🙄. I wear bare minimum now while I retrain the thoughts of my own self-esteem 😕 among other things I am working on with myself. Thank you.
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Some points are so recognizable to me. I can't digest these kind of people anymore. My whole life seems wasted to them just to please them.
Just watched this one again after commenting on it five months ago and I'm realizing that the "sweet/mean" cycle has, I believe, overly sensitized me to the point of not trusting any kind of praise or kindness from people that exceeds, even to a small degree, the level of everyday common courtesy....It tends to trigger me and makes me want to avoid the person (....which is probably something I need to work on). That constant sweet/mean cycle can really screw a person up over time.
Bravo Meredith! 🍀 I agree with all my heart. But am even more terrified: my whole culture is based on this narcissism enabling. And it's considered kindness and understanding. That is what they call a "real love".
It is hard when you are the only one who knows about the abuse. How can you not question your judgement if your partner has this generous image in public, taking care of elders and children, like my ex Narc was. I kept a journal where I wrote every single abusive thing this person said / did to me, so that I stay sane and finally understand what's actually happening.
I've been realizing lately that I have to tell myself that my parents and family members and significant others have been the most dangerous people in my life in order to trust the outside world and not isolate. This is the most fucked up thing; they make us distrust normals. I have to reach out to the world to find others like me so I don't continue the sick cycle. Take all the energy away from the past and be here now present in the world knowing they are the minority and obvious to spot now that I know. Empowerment!
It was him who searched me, started with flowers with amazing words... One time he told me" its you the one who is going to give me confidance"... That phrase never left my mind.. He used to say also: "you give me so much love, you are my energy" Now I look back everytime he would hurt me, I made pression on myself and gave him amazing gifts to please him, to bring back the good moments... It was such a game, I never did this to anyone. I just was expecting so much, trusting and waiting for him to come back to the begining.
Thank you Meredith for this, I've watched this before yet it's still relevant now in life. I would like to say that it is normal for Christians to forgive but I suppose there is a point where we should see manipulation for what it is and either avoid it, or move on, or deal with that person effectively without challenging our Christian ethos... thanks again!
Or maybe... your relationship with them was the catalyst for your spiritual awakening. Don't give them any credit for that! You did all of the work.
Jennifer Hendrix Amen to that. I was bathing in these demons until my insidious ex woke me up! Can't help loving him for that.
J.S. Phoenix grateful to myself
i'm sorry, but what the FUCK is that?
I agree...somewhat...l likened it in my situation to me standing on the edge of a cliff, and them being the final push that left me with no choice but to spread my wings....the view from up here....😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯😯
This is great advice because if you see this song building block that you were foolish enough to give credit for, and I've been there and done that with the MPD who eventually discarded me after I finally stood up to them, former close confidant male pal, like the presenter / educator / life coach on narcissist told us another video, they're really going to come at you if you give them another chance and hurt you twice as bad to be passive aggressive not too long after because they hate the fact that you escaped. It's classic narcissistic injury.
But this warning is really good because with trauma bonds and all, if we're not done being kicked around yet we're just sitting herself up so this keeps us from some other excuse or we justify that we can just some out handle the abuse better the next time it happens.
as much as I want to kick myself for having put myself there a few too many times in the past with a person or other, forgiveness and just acting and faking till you make it you know but ultimately not giving in to their demands is going way to go for me. SCCM meeting rooms for people in recovery, progress not perfection! but at some point in these situations we have enough progress and regression and we just have to just say NO PERMANENTLY once and for all! especially after they try the Hoover after they discarded us for the third or fourth time or whatever without telling us even... These people love games like this and this is why you cannot give these people any credit if they become a good stepping stone... Like many others say in the comment or one other person at least said I mean in the comment area, you created that spiritual growth Jared.. it's all you, baby!
They can't love and they don't change! Break the cycle.
RUN!
I've had this experience. They only do things to keep you interested while not caring about you at all.
They draw out your hopeful desires only to crush them and laugh in your face.
I really like the toughness in these videos. You have to be tough to get through this. It's in the abused person's nature to be empathetic, but empathy will not get you through the healing process. One of the most positive things that will happen while healing is that you become smarter and stronger than before. You become more aware that people with these types of disorders exist and that they are very dangerous to your well-being. We can't look for good attributes in the people who hurt us regularly.
Paul LaQuesse nowadays its said that that we all have traumas. No one has perfect parents and life in general is not black or white. Some abusive relationships are more equal in a sense that both partners act out their childhood /later traumas on other (typically npd/bpd combo).
It is vitally important to grow out from destructive inner models/indoctrination in order to live a better life. It is also important to as honest as possible of the reasons what made you compatible for another dysfunctional person. Codependency is a default setting for many woman. If you have addictions yourself it makes you a whole lot weaker.
I think there is nothing wrong in trying to understand abusive ex partners background but ONLY when you ve found your own boundaries and autonomy and have had no contact for years. Actually its only then when it can be possible. You just accept that this person was disturbed just as you could have been also at that time. Some people can grow. This would be a far better world if far more of us wanted to do the dirty work of taking responsibility of ones own life.
"Intermittent reinforcement creates the trauma bonding".
"Understand the dangers of the acts of kindness"
Very powerful phrases.
‘They are making a choice as an adult’ - I needed to hear that. This is the part I’ve been hung up on the most.
that's what my grandma, the mother of my Narc mother, loves to say and used to say to me whenever I wanted to leave my Narc mum "but she means well" "that's her way of showing you she loves you, she's justnot very good at it" "but have you always been perfect? don't be so hard on her" ETC
also "forget about it" "focus on the good stuff" "don't be so angry about it" (as if I(!!) were the problem)
Well yeah you are describing the fundamentals of gaslihting lol. Of course you are the problem...NOT!
idL that so true! or “that’s just your mother” “she IS our mother” “I have an ILLNESS” (alcoholism)
idL Yep, she in denial and codependent.
teresa Klein exactly :( or an enabler..
Oh I couldn't agree more! I was optimistic and innocent so I overlooked signs because I stayed positive. I'm learning!!
yes, optimism. Something they don't have.
Vegan Yogi for the too longest time I was spiritual bi- passing in my striving to be the better person, striving to spiritually emotionally rise above the abuse to remain in compassion for my dangerous psycho. What a joke.
now you are learning your vision will become clearer and clearer ...you just got to laugh. try your best not to hold ager towards yourself as I did, the world needs more people like you x
Rachel Rose you are describing me here so well in your comment thankfully we are learning to better self care all the best to you
Kali Palmer ”guilty” of it 2
'a reprieve from abuse isn't love' - so accurate
You are the most articulate and most uplifting to listen to and watch on the subject of NPD. I look like a freakin bobble head while watching your videos because I'm nodding yes, the whole way through. The most resonant and authentic information comes from those with personal experience. No doubt about it, you know of what you speak.
OMG spot on as all of these things have happened recently.
Acts of kindness= confusing bullshit
“It’s not about giving at all, it’s about taking” - those words are so true
Whenever somebody tells you: "I am not good enough for you, you deserve better". RUN!! Because THIS is the truth- and don't buy in this pity ploy.
They know that they are a piece of crap and that they treat you like shit. Best reaction to this: Yes I totally agree with you- and this is why we are done now! And then RUN...and never go and look back! It's wasting time, wasted love!
😂Both ex narcs said something like this at the beginning. You are so right!
Karen, oh my gosh! You are so right! Your advice is spot on! Hahaha! "Yes I totally agree with you - and this is why we are done now! And then RUN." Perfect response.
Yep. My ex used to tell me he wasn't a good person and that one day I'd wake up and realize I deserve better. Guess he was right about one thing...
I love the way this woman says "treat you like shit" It's so perfect such a great speaker. Keep doing the videos I can relate to 100% of everything you say that has been done to me. Thank You.
Yes..watch how quickly they turn on you when you stand your ground!! Sweet ..mean..Sweet mean..very true!!
Go NO Contact!!
Healing and moving on from the evil things is contingent upon living in reality and completely removing the illusion they created. The biggest illusion is that there's even an ounce if good in them.
If anyone that is a good person can do the horrible and heinus things they do means that shred of niceness amounts to absolutely nothing.
Avoid these demons at all cost!
Brion Garner
Exactly great comment
This comment is everything!!!!!! You are so right. I couldn't like this comment enough. Like I've read before: "if that was love, I can't imagine what hate is".
Brion Garner yes!
Brion Garner thx
I don't normally comment on videos, but was so taken aback by what you had to say that I had to say thank you! I am not alone! This really IS a thing, and there is hope for freedom.
You are reiterating exactly what my mother has been telling me about my ex husband and father of my children. I keep thinking there is some good in him, when there really isn't... It's all just manipulation.
Please keep making videos. They help more than you can imagine.
Isn't Meredith great? She is one of the first ones that finally explained to me what was going on in my life. I breezed through her videos and SANAs.
Eileen B I hear my narcissist grandmother saying, "I choose to see the good in people" when that isn't very true when it comes to me but only anyone I was ever having trouble with and made the poor choice to go to her for some support it 'wisdom'.
Good to hear you are seeing the truth
Exactly!
For about three months in the last year I was with the ex, I daily documented all his slights, from leaving the house early "to miss rush hour traffic" (at 4 am?!), no phone calls or texts, "staying late at work" till 10 or 11 at night, rages, silent treatment, etc.
These lists a friend said were hurting me, so I should stop, and I eventually did.
What she didn't know is that I could use them as reminders of the ex's negative behaviors when I had gone no contact and was feeling lonely for the good times we had shared, and wanted to contact the ex. They helped me to remember the reasons why I left, so I wouldn't contact him!
BRAVO!!! Yes absolutely, the lists and everything you write down to document the abuse will be precisely helpful when you will feel lonely and want to contact him again! Never break NC..like...ever! Good job, keep your lists.
I myself am doing them because I have lots of guild in leaving...which I still haven't done.
Mike D
Thank you.
Good luck on your plans to leave.
I took from December of 2015 (instituted new bank accounts when the ex took out money from my account for a friend at Christmas without asking), till March of this year, to move out completely (7 months, as of March 14/legal separation complete March 10).
There had been signs throughout the 19.5 years living together and almost 9 years of intermittent dating. By three years ago October, I started EMDR therapy to stay sane and deal with PTSD. I'm almost baa-aaack to the person I would have been without the ex.
I do make one gesture of thanks to him. If he hadn't behaved so badly, I might have toughed it out longer. Instead, his behavior drove me to help myself heal, with therapy.
You can do what's necessary and heal.
Blessings.
Nettonya, great idea! I did that too when i got no validation from others, and still do it as a reminder from time to time.
Mike D, is your narc a spouse / girlfriend or f.o.o.?
Thank you, this is very encouraging, especially your timeline. I'm almost on month number 7 after realizing something was wrong. I have to talk to a lawyer to make things "right" and not rush and make mistakes.
Taking money without asking is a cliche for narcs, doing anything without asking or involving you is completely normal for them. Mine planned a trip with a friend without asking me or telling me for Thanksgiving and when I told her "and what am I going to do home alone??" she said "oh you will find something to do". Yeah I will talk to a lawyer LOL! That's my Thanksgivign activity. GRIN! She also planned trips for Easter and Forth of July without me. I have no family and her family does not invite me anywhere.
I'm currently dealing with 2 female narcs: one is spouse, the other one is a friend who clings to me for supply. Spouse is very covert, uses 1000 tricks to appear good on the surface and in public, then at home I'm in hell. It is 7AM she just left for work, and she already said 3 nasty things to me, I'm sure without realizing it. Criticism and looking down on me is her favorite.
I agree to that 100% and needed the validation. The strange thing is that all the therapists I have been to have said things like - they must have had a bad childhood or think of the good they did etc. As if these things exuse the calculated violent behavior. It does not help the victim to heal. Quite the opposite.
What I have heard from the abused:
"What he/she did never felt like abuse to me"
" I'm not going to disparage him/her because he/she is the father /mother of my children and deserves respect for that"
"I don't think he/she is a full blown narcissist. Maybe has some traits."
" My adult children don't need to be made aware of this in their father/mother"
" There is so much good in him/her"
" I don't want thinking about /acknowledging the bad things/times to negate the good ones"
" Everyone else thinks he/she is terrific. It must be me"
"I don't think he/she does these hurtful things on purpose.. it's just the way he/she is"
"I wasn't able to meet his/her expectations. I was inadequate and a disappointment.
"I just bring out the worst in him/her"
It s very difficult to move forward with these remnants of denial hanging on. It continually triggers the self blame and fear, loyalty and sympathy.
Anyone who can do this much damage to another person is absolutely evil ... intentionally or not. They essentially corrupt a life.
Thanks so much Meredith, for your videos. ❤️
It isn't necessarily "remnant's of denial hanging on..."
Many, many times it is false beliefs that you have been taught by parent's and society and.....especially in the religious communities
NEVER EVER A PASS!!! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR SAYING THIS, MEREDITH! My heart needs to hear these words over and over
Yes, it was exactly so. But somehow this so called kindness didn't feel right. It tasted bittersweet. And the longer the abuse was this kind of kindness could only make me even more angry. He kissed me I love you every morning before going to work. It was so disgusting .
Fake, right?
You know how you know it's fake? Because if you accept their gifts and attention without enthusiasm, but just being very neutral, THEY DON'T CARE! Typically if you give somebody a gift, you kind of expect them to be at least surprised or happy. You are expecting an emotional reactions. When a narc is love bombing you after doing something mean to you, they dont really care how you react to the love bombing, as long as it keeps coming and it confuses you...they are fine. They reached their goal. A bunch of automatrons.
Wow. Sounds exactly like my life. And I struggle with having to return the “I love you too” or accepting the love-bombing (compliments).
Oh yeah...saying "I love you too" back is incredibly hard!!! i know it's not love what they call "love", so I dont want to call it back like that. This stuff messes with your head!
“It was so disgusting.” 🤮
This vid is not only for a personal romantic relationship but also in the arena for emotionally abusive narcissistic bosses towards their employees. Thank you!
Oh this is so good. Timing is perfect. Will listen again and lock those words into my brain. Thank you x
Be strong...I know what you are going through!
It helped to just think "liar" while it was talking. Believe nothing it says! ....and run!!!!
they see you as an object, as a supply.
Thank you for sharing this. Been separated since 1/31/17. Broke no contact for my 13 year old's birthday, and started to feel confused emotionally by his acts of kindness. False hope and cognitive dissonant was sinking in, and felt way to good. Slippery slope.
SUPER SLIPPERY SLOPE!!!! Look up Gray Rock Method, there is a specific part that talks about how to manage communication with an ex. Very helpful.
great video. just what i needed to start my day n my year. thank you Meredith, Happy New Year
beautiful and well said, i love the part about piercing the denial and cognitive dissonance. I have a lot of people that attend a codependency group that i go to with this and it really triggers me as some of them are still in an abusive relationship it gets me ruminating about leaving the narc and "maybe it wasn't that bad" thoughts your videos always put me straight tho so thank you for the truth xx
Fantastic vid Meredith! Very timely for me too. Thank you for this great reminder. Love and hugs to You! You rock!
This is so important... I feel like our brains our defence mechanisms do start to forget the bad ... and it’s so vital to journal make videos to make sure that we remember the reality of the narcopath not what our brains are telling us... I told a story about him recently then a few days later went wait a minute that’s not what happened at all he was a complete asshole to me that whole time ... it was actually scary that my brain had filtered out the bad !
Everything she said is 100% my experience. I am done. It's not easy though. Stay tough.
Thanks for these videos it is helpful to know I'm not crazy afterall!!
Thank you Meredith, you can't even believe how much you are helping me with your videos with recovering from narcissistic abuse.
Predators are gaming at you to pity them from the beginning, by playing victim, normalizing abuse, rationalization, gaslighting, and many other tactics. Predators want you to pity them, but they never deserve love or sympathy, because abusers are your enemies. Know who you are and who they are. They are your enemies and their goal is to destroy you. Victims are not suppose to be responsible to take care of their predators! For victims to be "kind" to abusers, it is not an act of kindness at all, it is falling into the narcissist trap yet again.
My 'Mother' tried to fake hug me for the second time in my life, when I told her to get out of my house, and that I was going No Contact with her, something I had done previously, and had tried to maintain, but she broke by forcing a fake 'reunion' between us at a relative's funeral (the first hug). The second 'hug' attempt was honestly one of the most sickening things I've ever seen in my life, from a woman that had deliberately withheld affection from me my entire life, to attempt to use it against me, to prevent me rightfully asking her to leave, as she sat there telling me how she was telling family members, friends and neighbours, falsely yet again, that I was 'abusing her', and laughing about all the attention she was getting by doing so, with no thought whatsoever of the consequences for me, as usual. To have someone try and use affection against you, knowing they've starved you of it your entire life, as a means of manipulating you, was just horrifying in the extreme. The utter fakeness and 'loveydoveyness' in her voice as she approached me, arms outstretched, sounds ridiculous to people not in this situation, but was like something out of a horror film for me, because it was basically like being enveloped by a sociopath. I backed away from her in disgust, totally rightfully as far as I'm concerned, and threw her out of my house. Just the sheer audacity of it truly pissed me off. I was 42 at the time, she couldn't love me, hug me or lift a finger to help me, and went out of her way to make my life a misery for 42 bloody years, but suddenly she wants something and has wronged me and NOW she wants a hug. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!
I'm sorry that that happened to you. Stay strong and stay away from your abuser for your own mental health
I left my husband almost two months ago. Listening this reminds me when he used to bring me a "gift "and told me that he bought it because I behaved good. I hated.
It’s ok to see the good in the abuser, the greater issue is not seeing one’s own goodness and one own’s derserving of being well treated. If your compassion does not include yourself it is incomplete. Honor yourself first and you would never let another treat you poorly.
Leandro Velez truth
@@kaitlynwattle1738 narcs aren't good at all, They are NO good! Any good traits you think they have is all FAKE!!
most people don't see these shitheads coming so stop the bullshit VICTIM BLAMING!! There is NOTHING good about a Narcissist!!
His ‘acts of kindness’ negated his abusive acts. False hope was alive & well.
Thankfully I woke up and exited.
At the time I did not understand that the ‘kind’ side of him was manipulation.
I was certain he was sincere - I was dead wrong.
Very good Meredith! I would like to add for anyone still in it, the danger levels can be life or death. Take care all and learn from those of us who embraced the healing journey. Meredith is spot on!
I thought I was different and my Narc was not dangerous. Turns out she cancelled my health insurance without telling me, and I was not covered for 16 months. How dangerous is that? oh plus I have to pay a penalty to the government of $2600 for not having insurance, but that's just a detail...
Mike D my estranged husband married another woman and now he's sitting in jail for criminal domestic abuse and violation of probation. When he was required to turn over his guns, he only turned in a few (he still has quite a few more). I'll be filing for divorce while he's incarcerated. These people are dangerous af.
Guns? OMG so glad you are living by yourself now. If he is this dangerous and you are afraid that he might do something once out of jail, you should really go Gray Rock Method on him. Look it up , if you have not done so already, it is very powerful with these individuals.
Love and light!
Mike D I've gone no contact for over a year and moved out of state. If I testify for the other woman (who he committed bigamy with) I will definitely use the grey rock method, no eye contact at all. Fyi, please safeguard your finances, they'll take everything with out blinking an eye. Blessings to you!
Oooohhhhh YESSSS!!!! They will claim whatever and take everything they can. I know the very well!
Blessings back dear!
I'm shocked. I feel like you've been following me around. I've been going through this. You say all the words that I've heard. It's absolutely uncanny. Thank you so much for doing these videos.
I admire the strength in your ability to say all these things and not relapse in your own healing. Thank you for saying this in such a real way. It's so true and exactly the reminder I needed today.
Amazing video the information you shared is so valuable. So many people are in relationships like this and do not even know. I just realized after watching your video that about a year ago I was in a relationship like this. I knew there was something wrong but I had no idea what to call it. Like so many other people, I kept holding on to the idea of the good in that person. It just prolonged the miserable relationship. Until I realized it was enough time wasted and there was no chance of change in this person. My happiness was just a dream with this person. Best thing I did was let go and never look back. I wish high school students would take classes to inform them of these behaviors in people. It would be a great life skill to at least help them identify the issue. Thanks again!
Thank you so much!! It's like you know my EX NARC personally!! This video is PRICELESS💕 Big Hug! M
Hi Meredith, this video was SO helpful and just when I needed it. Following your advice and going full no contact had given me space to start healing from narc abuse BUT had also allowed me to recover enough to start thinking about my abuser with compassion and without feeling so much crushing pain. I knew this was dangerous when I started to consider breaking no contact. Once again you’ve kept me on the path to recovery. Thank you so much. Big hug to you xx
Journaling and revisiting what you’ve journaled is awesome. I have revisited some of my thoughts and been able to label manipulation, love bombing, etc. it’s super enlightening. 🤯
Thank you for being so honest and so articulate! You are amazing!
My therapist kept telling me I had to put on my "compassionate curiosity" hat when interacting with my abusive siblings. I'm scapegoat in family. Her advice was that my siblings are so wounded, they need to hurt me. I need to be more compassionate and understanding of them. I had to stop going to her. I got zero validation.
I was in am abusive relationship for well over 20 years. It took me about two/three years after to really admit I was abused and to see him as an abuser and not a "good guy." Scary how brainwashed I was in so many ways. My reality and perception of the world and myself was transformed. I am four years out. The first 2 years, I ran and saw the world like a honeymoon period (the freedom was wonderful) and the last two years have been rough. I recognized, learned, and felt what happened probably for the first time. It's been rough. I am grateful am I out. I know I never deserved it. I know now I am valued and loveable. I'm still sad I never knew healthy love and for the loss of kids, jobs, time with family, friends, normalcy, loss is myself and my dreams... Still going through periods of anger and grief. I'm ok feeling it because I know it leads to still waters and a better life.
This is very helpful Meredith. Especially the part about differentiating between people who are unknowingly acting out their traumas and people who are choosing to be abusers.
Thank you so much for educating us on narcissism.
I went NC cut off the Narc, now he's gone beyond threatening me to threatening my 26 year old son of bodily harm, since they live in same town. Police absolutely no help. Narc is a drunken mess no one wants to deal with. I moved 1000 miles away for safety reasons.
Glad you are out of it...sort of.
Sunny Daye I moved 2000 km away ☺
Sunny Daye please be safe
Too bad your son can't move away, too.
I had to do the same. Look up in the state your in for a program called: Address Confidentiality Program. You will have your mail sent to a location at the state. Then they forward it to you. Usually you can contact the State Attorney General and they can help you. If your son loved with you he can be included in the program as well. Prayers are with you for protection.
I'm glad I saw this....... I needed to see this........ Thank you.....
Thanks for this video. You gave me the reminder that I needed to try to stay away from my ex as much as possible. The love bombing that he attempted to do have tried to lure me back in. Especially since I have been going through things recently.
It's incredible how much you know. I have been through this but no more abuse of any sort. Yei, I feel liberated and happy for the first time in my life. Love listening to you.💓
Thank you for all of your posts the level of knowledge is 100. I am grateful for your selfless support and spreading awareness
So true . Don’t ever fall for the same trick twice . Good people don’t insult you when they are mad for no reason .
Mike Smolyansky
Or pout or guilt trip you
Oh my God Meredith! So thankful for this video right now! I noticed I’ve already watched this in the past, but I have been really spiraling lately with longing and confusion about my ex who just chose to just break up with me and block me on all mediums.
The lack of closure has killed me! But you are so concise in helping us confused victims know what lines have been crossed! So thanks again
I'm currently going through this. I can only seem to remember the good and not the life changing devastation they caused. I seem to only attract these types of people.
Those perceived acts of kindness were actually the hook that kept me for so long in that relationship. I wish I had known before that it all was just a manipulation. I used to rationalize his behaviour from my own perspective and now I know this was absolutely a wrong thing to do. Luckily, I'm out of that relationship already. Thank you for sharing all this incredibly useful information.
Before I knew the narc's game the Christian way is how I dealt with it. The narcs won. These people are the devil, don't listen to them, ignore them, avoid them, be thankful everyday you are not one of them. I'm leaving them for Jesus to deal with, I'm to busing living.
Perfectly explained! I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel with my narcissit as we speak. Thank you for your help in giving mental clarity to such an awful negative experience☺
You hit the nail on the head every time, amazing!!!
You articulate the abusers deceit so well!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🙋🏾
Your candor is so refreshing, and the knowledge you're sharing is invaluable!
Such an important topic to address. Thank you again for sharing your insight in your wonderful videos. You are doing a lot of good and helping make the world a better place.
This is so true! I like the picture of Lucy and Charlie Brown and pulling out the football. That is exactly it. I've hear people say, "Well, hurt people hurt people," and "Hurt dogs bite their owners." But people can choose to treat you kindly or not. I'm not falling for the con or the hoovering any more. It is safer to keep your distance from a wolf.
As usual Meredith..your explanation is 'right on the money!'.
I love how you make things so easy to understsnd...thank you xo
This is so true; but so hard for me to implement. Having been the scapegoat it's so hard to label others as heartless or users or dangerous- especially when they are my mom. But, she'll always make me regret becoming dependent or trusting in any way. I guess I have to be strong and realize, for now at least, I have to label her as crazy and dangerous (cause she is) in order to detach successfully. Thanks so much Meredith. You are always on point!!
The first time I have understood this in relation to my experience. Thank you a million times over ! Peace be with you
You are spot on !
Thank you for sharing!
Knowledge is power but only if a person uses it!
Yes Meredith this is spot on thank you for this message healing is happening every time I watch your videos 😊 narcs are heartless and have a reason for everything they want to use you in every way
I ended up texting him today knowing it is his birthday. I was doing so well with the no contact as well. *sigh*
I understand. I texted him on his birthday, I knew he’d be alone. It’s such a struggle I don’t wish him any harm, Stay strong - we can do it and Meredith will help us.
Am currently reading Psycopath Free. Thinking back to the "good" in the narc is what kept me stuck trying to figure out if he is really a narc or not but that book... Put the final nail in the coffin of my healing process. It's like someone turned my relationship into a novel and gave it to the public to learn from because the tactics and my reactions to them were so neck and neck to what Jackson was describing. It's so bizarre. You'll see what a waste of mental energy it is to even think for a SECOND that there may be a less than a milligram of good in them after reading that book!
I need to get this book. I still have this stupid guilt..what if they are not 100% narcs...what if they need my help. My brain is going blah blah...all the time!
Mike D Its on Audible. You can listen to it free for 30 days if you don't already have an account. I like the audio book cause I can listen to it as I get stuff done around the house. It's been a year since my relationship and I've still been asking those same questions till I came across this book!
Ohhh even better! I have audible, and love it! Thank you!
My mother used to justify my father's worst behaviours with the fact that he had a terrible childhood. She didn't really care about ours. She was convinced he was a good person, always praised him and never said a word of criticism even if the abuse occurred right in front of her eyes. She was completely codependent.
More specifically, I think it's important to realize that even the most intelligent of people could mistake trauma bonding for love, depending on their past experiences. This is horribly sad, because they would work harder to make the relationship "right", therefore potentially creating more of these bonds.
Love the Lucy and Charlie Brown example!
I can't stand people who say they look for the good in narcs . I wish I could just show the world this video . Thanks, great video .
Thank you so much ❤ I felt the hug btw!
Thank you so much Merideth. Idk where I'd be without your advice. My husband is the worst case overt narcissist!
Stuck like you. Hey remember there are men out there that are caring, loving and you can trust them.
Oh wow. You really made a connection for me. Thank you.
It's because maybe we feel guilty because after being affected so long we have dropped the ball and not done so well, and our faces don't light up when they come in so we feel guilty about that. And they will say you don't care about me. Also we let all this happen so it's our fault for letting it go on.
You are sooo wonderful!!!! Thank you so much!!
My mom’s thing was always to do something that would really bother me. She would deflect everything I said and make it about anything except her. She would call into question my judgment and my assessment of my own feelings by suggesting that I was upset by something else, like I just had a bad day at school, or something. So I could get nowhere. I would feel even angrier, and then I would storm off, and be seething about this thing, because I just couldn’t express myself and be heard. So meanwhile, the next time I saw her, she would be chipper and chatty, as of nothing had happened. This is still true today, and I am in my 30’s. It is like she would go off somewhere, clear all the feelings for herself, without ever dealing with how I felt. And come back and it would be like it never happened. The “perceived” or “intended to be perceived as” act of “kindness” here was “forgiveness.” She would internally “forgive” me for being upset about whatever it was. And so, by “letting it go,” she ways got to look like the morally superior person, where as I was flawed and faulty for having my feelings, and for being angry about whatever the thing was she did that was wrong to me in the first place. She has never once acknowledged in the moment, if she did something wrong. If she ever did after the fact, she would say that “everyone has blind spots,” or that she is just human and makes mistakes. But she has never fully taken responsibility. And by doing this the way she does, it means she never actually apologizes. She makes me wrong, and then “forgives me,” even though I have apologized for nothing, putting me in the position of feeling like a jerk if I then act angry when she has “forgiven” me. So anyway. That was Long-winded...
I also have a question. What about people who support the abuser in the same way that they do themselves, or like when we make excuses for them. What if, for example, if I say I think my mom was a narcissist and that she abused me, friends or family will say, “she was doing the best she could.” “We’re all human.” Etc., etc.? It happens all. The. Time. No one wants to hear my version of my reality. They all want to rush to defend her. And then I look bad for “insulting” her, and it just perpetuates the abuse.
For the record, I am not talking to either of my parents right now. And most people know this about me. But I can’t really talk about why. Because if I try to get into the specifics like this, whomever I am talking to will rush to their defense. “They love you so much,” “They are so proud of you,” “I’m sure they were just doing their best. We all make mistakes. Sometimes you just have to forgive.” I know that they are just being nice. But these phrases make me feel sick. Because they aren’t really hearing me. And defending my abusers makes me feel traumatized again and isolated even more. My only solace is that at least I believe I am correct about my experience. But oftentimes I feel like the only one
True true TRUE. There are lots of good people out there, don't look for the good in an abuser. I left my x 12 years ago, and slowly, slowly, the abuse, drama baits and slurs dwindled to nothing because I stopped responding. When I met him briefly to handover the kids, he wouldn't look me in the eye, but I thought that was just pride. But 12 years, TWELVE YEARS !! after leaving, he is now writing abusive letters again, blaming me for poisoning kids against him. Everything is my fault. Over the last five years because he has acted formally towards me and paid maintenance, I wondered if he'd had any insights, any growth. Afterall, i have grown so much, it seemed grandiose of me to assume I had grown but that he had not. So I attributed a more aware mindset to him than the one he has revealed in his letters. He is stuck in exactly the same place he was 12 years ago. NO CHANGE AT ALL. I was delusional thinking that just because he wasn't abusing me in the moment he had had some epiphanies! no.
Thank you M. Very enlightening. Now I understand the fake hug after toxic behavior.
I'm 7 and a half weeks no contact...and this time it's permanent. I've learnt so much following Meredith Miller and reading "The Journey ". I used to say the narc was like Jekyll and Hyde constantly! I now understand what was happening to me.
Wow, this was the exact subject that has been on my mind all day. It is about piercing the denial about my narc mom. I just have kept slipping back into unawareness of what has happened and when I do that I have no way to relieve the shame because I assume it is me and not the abuse.
That's an excellent insight, how when we slip into the unawareness of what happened we have no way to alleviate the shame because we internalize it and forget that it came from the abuse. I'm going to make a video on psychosomatic manifestations of that internalized shame. My body used to do that with my mom's abuse. If it's alright with you, I'd like to read your insight about the shame in the video.
CynthiaSchoenbauer
I never had a taste of my late Mom's affection.
Everytime she touches me is pain.
I never joined the fraternity for honor students when I learned what Hell Night is.
Told the recruiting master that I hv enough of daily hell days n nights (hazing) for 18 yrs.
Yes, I understand. When my mother touched me my skin would crawl. It is so good for us to understand this completely so that we can lift the reality and trauma of it off of ourselves and live in peace and happiness with that experience left in the past. My mom is dead too. Thank God! She was holding too much over me for me to experience any freedom ie: My house, All family relationships, My relationship with her dog whom I love, etc.... She had a vise grip on my life. She was holding complete control while she was alive.
I would love that!!!! Thank you Inner Integration.
Thank you for all you put out. It is so helpful in such a confusing time. And I love that sometimes you wear makeup, sometimes you don't (and you are beautiful regardless ❤️). I was trained for 12 years that I was basically hideous without makeup and gorgeous with it 🙄. I wear bare minimum now while I retrain the thoughts of my own self-esteem 😕 among other things I am working on with myself. Thank you.
Some points are so recognizable to me. I can't digest these kind of people anymore. My whole life seems wasted to them just to please them.
Netflix movie Creep has the best Narc character and his last words so chilling. Never trust believe or empathize with the NPD.
You so nailed it on this one 👊
Just watched this one again after commenting on it five months ago and I'm realizing that the "sweet/mean" cycle has, I believe, overly sensitized me to the point of not trusting any kind of praise or kindness from people that exceeds, even to a small degree, the level of everyday common courtesy....It tends to trigger me and makes me want to avoid the person (....which is probably something I need to work on). That constant sweet/mean cycle can really screw a person up over time.
Profound video on deep subject. You even worked in Charlie Brown! Thank you for your brilliance, humor & honesty.
Charlie will never get to kick that damn football, lol!!!
I love that analogy
So Lucy is a narcissist!! I always wondered what was up with her!!!
They always did my boy wrong.
@@wayfarinstranger2444 right. She was very mean. And she always acted like she was better then him.
Bravo Meredith! 🍀
I agree with all my heart.
But am even more terrified: my whole culture is based on this narcissism enabling. And it's considered kindness and understanding. That is what they call a "real love".
It is hard when you are the only one who knows about the abuse. How can you not question your judgement if your partner has this generous image in public, taking care of elders and children, like my ex Narc was. I kept a journal where I wrote every single abusive thing this person said / did to me, so that I stay sane and finally understand what's actually happening.
I've been realizing lately that I have to tell myself that my parents and family members and significant others have been the most dangerous people in my life in order to trust the outside world and not isolate. This is the most fucked up thing; they make us distrust normals. I have to reach out to the world to find others like me so I don't continue the sick cycle. Take all the energy away from the past and be here now present in the world knowing they are the minority and obvious to spot now that I know. Empowerment!
Your pointing out the "evidence of behavioral choice" is brilliant. Judge Judy would have been proud.
So thankful for you. This is so insightful and so helpful.
It was him who searched me, started with flowers with amazing words... One time he told me" its you the one who is going to give me confidance"... That phrase never left my mind.. He used to say also: "you give me so much love, you are my energy"
Now I look back everytime he would hurt me, I made pression on myself and gave him amazing gifts to please him, to bring back the good moments... It was such a game, I never did this to anyone. I just was expecting so much, trusting and waiting for him to come back to the begining.
Thank you Meredith for this, I've watched this before yet it's still relevant now in life. I would like to say that it is normal for Christians to forgive but I suppose there is a point where we should see manipulation for what it is and either avoid it, or move on, or deal with that person effectively without challenging our Christian ethos... thanks again!