PURITY CULTURE RUINED MY SEX LIFE (as a Christian wife) 🙈 Advice for Christian Women
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- Опубліковано 21 сер 2024
- Here's a very honest (but still PG) talk about how christian purity culture ruined my newly married sex life with my husband. We both saved ourselves for marriage but it wasn't all butterflies and rainbows after that lol! I hope this talk can help you feel seen and less alone!
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Here’s the podcast I was talking about!
open.spotify.com/show/7wuRXZmQGJuuCulONIAf7s?si=ATsH5zTqTsmehA7WcMDAtg
Such an amazing resource on this topic🤍
What is this podcast called. The link isn't working ):
@@lynneastorlie4568It is called Bare Marriage.
Can you please talk about modesty as well (in terms of clothing) hehe
You're not the first Christian woman I've heard talk about this. Thank you so much for your honesty! As someone waiting for marriage, I've been super grateful for these sort of videos.
The difference between those who doubt there is a God and those who believe in a God is that those who doubt have one story. Yet those who believe cannot even agree on the basic of doctrines. Therefore by their differences, those who believe in God justify just how little they themselves honestly do believe in what they claim to believe. Had their assertions of a God were true, there would be no differences, for he in whom they profess to trust would unambiguously make himself known.
I am waiting until marriage too! ❤😊
@@mariobethell3731That’s your philosophy. Not every atheist has the same story, especially when it comes to why they don’t believe in God. Christians can’t agree on anything because of doctrine, which means you are part of a denomination, I’m non-denominational so I can believe whatever I want. Or I’m just a theist, not sure tbh. You can’t really choose what you believe in, belief just happens to you. Sadly most Christians belief is just belief in a belief, which is what all religions are. Religion steals your critical thinking skills, so I became an atheist admitting I really had no idea. But I only was able to experience God as an atheist and have trauma release after escaping the church
@@jonnyt5118you are onto it. I grew up Southern Baptist. You are correct in a lot you say. Religion has failed to get across the key element. They all have good points and practices. But they get caught up in traditional beliefs. I believe in Jesus. Like you say, belief comes from experiences. My belief comes from that. Experiences that have occurred that convince me he is real. There is a difference when you experience it outside of the influences of religion. It puts a brand on your heart and soul. I guess I said all that to say this. Religion doesn’t truly convey what Jesus wants to get across. He loves us. So much that he allowed hisself to be sacrificed for us. He wants to know us and us to know him. He wants to give us an abundant life here on earth. He wants us with him in the afterlife life. He wants this so much that he died for it. He suffered embarrassing torture and a painful death for it.
@@CC-jj7ne it’s hit me a lot harder now, I am going to go back to church, but all the religion stuff feels like it slows down my progress because it’s shame I feel. But I know the Holy Spirit won’t give you shame
I think this problem didn’t exist in the past because people would get married at 16,17,18,19 years old. They didn’t have to abstain from natural desires until their mid-late 20’s.
Most people these days are getting married in early/mid thirties.
That's very true. Back then, it was a very different story and they would get married young also because they got to be prepared from an early age or probably they would mature faster.😞😞
For the vast majority of human history, the average life span averaged in the 30s. So most people would be married with children by 18-20.
You can thank feminism for that. I was ready to have 10 babies with a woman as soon as i turned 16.
Very true! Im 29 now and wondering how on earth I will be able to make the switch when Im married
Got married 13 years ago. My husband and I were both virgins…And I STILL FEEL THIS WAY, I honestly tell my husband this all the time and he can’t relate! I’ve always wondered why I felt this way… but it makes sooo much sense.
Just saying I do not regret us waiting for marriage and I encourage everyone to do the same but learn this stuff BEFORE that day comes.
Please continue this conversation because you’re speaking to me girl. I’m walking in this too, you’re not alone!
If one thing is true among all religious believers is that they all want to know the truth. But they all cannot have the truth when they have different doctrines, different beliefs, and differents Gods while believing by faith. So what hinders them from obtaining the truth when they have both faith and prayers? After all, all things are supposed to be possible to one that believes. The answer to this dilemma can be clearly seen when one compares indoctrination (a way of thinking in which all converts have in common) to critical thinking, which is the antithesis of faith and religion.
I) Indoctrination tells one what to think, where as critical thinking teaches you how to think.
2) Indoctrination says, "believe what you are told and do not doubt". Critical thinking says, "assume nothing, but rather, question that which you don't understand".
3) Indoctrination says, "believe without evidence". Critical thinking says, "believe because of evidence".
4) Indoctrination says, "l believe, therefore it is so". Critical thinking says, "ln the absence of evidence, judgement or decision making must be suspended until evidence is available".
5) lndoctrination says, "Truth is a matter of faith which is based on one's belief". Critical thinking says that truth is the extent to which a claim conforms to reality.
6) lndoctrination says that l can do all things because of what l believe. Critical thinking says, "Show me that you can do all things, and l will know that you are able to do all things".
7) lndoctrination says that if you don't believe as l do, then you are wrong! Critical thinking says, "We wait until the evidence shows who is right and who is wrong".
8) Indoctrination say, "Lean not on your own understanding". Critical thinking says, "Whose understanding shall l lean on if not my own?".
9) Indoctrination is that childish bully on the play ground, taking advantage only of the smaller kids. Critical thinking is that cival, humanitarian adult who has learned to treat people with respect just as he would like others to treat him with respect.
Still single at almost 31 and saving myself.
I am tracking with you 100%!!! My husband and I have been married for 6 years and this has been one of my biggest struggles!! There are other factors (medical issues) that complicate our physical intimacy as well so not only do I struggle with feeling prideful and sinful if I try to be attractive to him, but also we have these other factors that the enemy uses to whisper lies in my head that my husband doesn't find me attractive or want me physically. So I make sure to communicate that with my husband and through that the lies are exposed and torn down, thus we grow closer emotionally. We have found that while we struggle with our physical intimacy, there is still emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy that we can engage in so we don't leave each other vulnerable. The church puts so much emphasis on physically intimacy and never talks about the other forms of intimacy and I think this is also where purity culture can lead young ladies astray. Nobody talks about these things and I was not prepared, BUT GOD truly has sustained our marriage and I try to be the one person that talks about these things so other women in my church can see they are not alone because for so long I thought something was wrong with me and that I was alone but that was the enemy trying so hard to tear our marriage apart.
If one thing is true among all religious believers is that they all want to know the truth. But they all cannot have the truth when they have different doctrines, different beliefs, and differents Gods while believing by faith. So what hinders them from obtaining the truth when they have both faith and prayers? After all, all things are supposed to be possible to one that believes. The answer to this dilemma can be clearly seen when one compares indoctrination (a way of thinking in which all converts have in common) to critical thinking, which is the antithesis of faith and religion.
I) Indoctrination tells one what to think, where as critical thinking teaches you how to think.
2) Indoctrination says, "believe what you are told and do not doubt". Critical thinking says, "assume nothing, but rather, question that which you don't understand".
3) Indoctrination says, "believe without evidence". Critical thinking says, "believe because of evidence".
4) Indoctrination says, "l believe, therefore it is so". Critical thinking says, "ln the absence of evidence, judgement or decision making must be suspended until evidence is available".
5) lndoctrination says, "Truth is a matter of faith which is based on one's belief". Critical thinking says that truth is the extent to which a claim conforms to reality.
6) lndoctrination says that l can do all things because of what l believe. Critical thinking says, "Show me that you can do all things, and l will know that you are able to do all things".
7) lndoctrination says that if you don't believe as l do, then you are wrong! Critical thinking says, "We wait until the evidence shows who is right and who is wrong".
8) Indoctrination say, "Lean not on your own understanding". Critical thinking says, "Whose understanding shall l lean on if not my own?".
9) Indoctrination is that childish bully on the play ground, taking advantage only of the smaller kids. Critical thinking is that cival, humanitarian adult who has learned to treat people with respect just as he would like others to treat him with respect.
@@mariobethell3731 What does this have to do with the video or my comment?
You're not committing any sin by trying to be attractive for your husband. It's sad when fundamentalist Christians have to act like Pharisees and scribes.
Yeah- and it’s ta devastating to women who are taught to basically force yourself to have sex with your husband because it’s service and your husband needs it. What is tramautic is when the husband doesn’t pursue the wife sexually…. And now she’s left neglected and feeling alone. Way too many Christian resources assume men are going to hve a helathy sex drive without mental issues
That's why I think that a wife should not please their husband sexually out of duty but it should be out of love for him and pleasure or delight of him. You see God did not create sex to be a chore or a demand (lest it be out of selfishness and this is not of the Lord and wouldn't be considered a good thing) but God created sex to be pleasurable, fun and fully intimate between a husband and wife.
My husband and I had the privilege of taking a Christian college Marriage and Family class before marriage and it was a healthy, Biblical, balanced approach to purity. The professor taught that this gift of one-flesh is intended to be joy-filled, pleasurable, and potentially an act of creation that reflects God’s image of faithful unity. He also explained that the giving and receiving of pleasures is part of the gift of marriage as long as those activities are not based in the actions that lead to demeaning of, physical or psychological harming of the other. One surprising take away was that he spoke about puberty and dating, the desire to have sex as also a gift and defined “lust” as very specific fantasizing of nakedness and sexual activity with someone to whom you are not married. Lust is NOT attraction or even arousal - those are God-given chemical responses that are to be reigned in to self-control so as not to lead to explicit fantasy or action outside of marriage. In other words, having a physical attraction to someone of the opposite sex isn’t list, but taking that to a fantasy level beyond current boundaries is. He also really emphasized that repentance GRACE is to be regarded when we fail. I had more confidence in our dating and wedding night because of this.
P.S. most Christian sex books have helpful things, but many contain some hurtful information, too. Check out Good Girl’s/Guy’s Guide to Sex by Sheila Wray Gregwoire - very healthy resource!
@@mariobethell3731 I agree that Indoctrination is not faith. I’m seeking to understand why you posted it as a response to my comment. I didn’t speak about nor infer indoctrination, so why make this point here?
With all due respect how could this man understand the complexities of female sexuality? For many women it takes a lot to gain confidence sexually and come into your own in a way that meets your husband's needs. I understand that is not always the case but for many women it is.
@@Colls515even as a man watching, struggling with shame, I think his ideologies are still toxic-I’m not a chirstian anymore but I am a theist (believer in God) (I do say Jesus when I pray sometimes because he was the most know Deity I knew growing up)
I was raised like you, and I love my parents and am so happy I was raised with purity culture. However, I feel like I have that mental block, even though I'm still single.
Thank you from this one person. This was helpful for me! :))
If one thing is true among all religious believers is that they all want to know the truth. But they all cannot have the truth when they have different doctrines, different beliefs, and differents Gods while believing by faith. So what hinders them from obtaining the truth when they have both faith and prayers? After all, all things are supposed to be possible to one that believes. The answer to this dilemma can be clearly seen when one compares indoctrination (a way of thinking in which all converts have in common) to critical thinking, which is the antithesis of faith and religion.
I) Indoctrination tells one what to think, where as critical thinking teaches you how to think.
2) Indoctrination says, "believe what you are told and do not doubt". Critical thinking says, "assume nothing, but rather, question that which you don't understand".
3) Indoctrination says, "believe without evidence". Critical thinking says, "believe because of evidence".
4) Indoctrination says, "l believe, therefore it is so". Critical thinking says, "ln the absence of evidence, judgement or decision making must be suspended until evidence is available".
5) lndoctrination says, "Truth is a matter of faith which is based on one's belief". Critical thinking says that truth is the extent to which a claim conforms to reality.
6) lndoctrination says that l can do all things because of what l believe. Critical thinking says, "Show me that you can do all things, and l will know that you are able to do all things".
7) lndoctrination says that if you don't believe as l do, then you are wrong! Critical thinking says, "We wait until the evidence shows who is right and who is wrong".
8) Indoctrination say, "Lean not on your own understanding". Critical thinking says, "Whose understanding shall l lean on if not my own?".
9) Indoctrination is that childish bully on the play ground, taking advantage only of the smaller kids. Critical thinking is that cival, humanitarian adult who has learned to treat people with respect just as he would like others to treat him with respect.
Be glad they brought you up in purity culture... mine didn't and the weight of what I've done haunts me.
@KisaraVera I'm so sorry you feel such weight from your past. However, you do not have to carry guilt and shame. If you have confessed, the Lord will forgive you and grant you mercy, and often with time, healing. I'm praying for you, that you will find peace which surpasses all understand from the Lord, as you seek His grace. ♡
@@jenaemetko9563 thank you so very much. The Spirit truly lives in you. Time for me to get closer to the Lord, and let Him have it all. May the Lord bless you and your family. ❤️
@@KisaraVera of course! Thank you as well :)
"Jeremiah 29:13 ESV
[13] You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
This vlog is a divine appointment. Thank you. There should be a conference for women on this. You can't just switch your mindset around because it's been engraved into our soul. Feeling worthy and giving yourself permission to allow to be loved.
Thank you so much for this video! Me and my husband both had sex outside of marriage and with different people. I know what it feels like to be on the other side and feel sexy, somehow immediately after marriage I began to feel shameful and guilty for wanting to feel sexy and be confident in that way for my husband, it feels sinful despite it now being perfectly okay! You articulated yourself beautifully. It is so difficult, I would love to know what middle ground would be like as both sides are so extreme
"The Devil wants to ruin the love between husband and wife." Absolutely. It's crazy how even a noble ambition of abstaining from sex until marriage could also be corrupted to an unhealthy and ungodly extreme. A few years ago, I concluded that when you are married, so many "sexy" things are on the table. God is not saying: no, he's saying "not yet". and as long as the marriage bed is not defiled, so many sexy things become great (by defiled, I mean any human that isn't your spouse - porn, an affair, things like that). Because that's the beauty of intimacy. It's a wonderful little secret between you and your hubby and of course God. no one else gets to or should be involved.
I think a big problem is that purity culture operates under the assumption that as humans, we are just uncontrollable horndogs 🤣 with zero agency. and it almost paints a picture that any sex drive before marriage is sinful. But the thing is, if you find someone sexually attractive, it's far more healthy to admit that yourself and to God (heck, praise him for designing someone attractive to you), but control your proclivity to lust. If you don't akcnowledge that your heart is there, you can't very well address it/manage it. Our sex drive/desire comes from God and he gives us the charge to be in control of it.
Where there is no proof, what is the most consistent source of evidence?
If your answer was the imagination, then you are absolutely correct, and you have also explained the mystery of religions, for they all require a belief without evidence. It is called faith (Hebrews 11:1). This is why so many different religions, with so many different doctrines, and so many different gods exist today.
Have you heard of vaginismus? It's a pelvic floor condition making intercourse incredibly painful or even impossible. It's usually caused by being raised in purity culture or other fear of intimacy. Vaginismus is actually most common for Christian women sadly.
Its something I suffer with due to being raised in purity culture (well that's at least one factor). I'm actually in a Christian based course for vaginsimus that helps find the mental root and physical side too, she's called "pain free intimacy" on social media 🥰
Purity culture makes your purity about your sexual perfection, Not about what Jesus did on the cross for us.
The last sentence amounts to righteousness by works. Good description.
The good news is, whatever struggles you might have at the start, studies on marriage and divorce have shown that a couple who have never been intimate with anyone prior to marriage (both people) have the best chance of staying married.
It’s not impossible to have a solid marriage if that’s not the case, but in terms of most likely to succeed… God knows what’s good for us.
Purity culture on the other hand is pretty extreme in some areas and creates extra-biblical rules that burden people and mess with their lives, so it’s tricky when that’s the predominant teaching.
@@emb202 that’s not at all what I said. You’re interpreting sound advice as judgement, but all it is… is sound advice. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married and I don’t think my relationship is irredeemable either, but I see the wisdom in God’s advice for us with the benefit of hindsight.
God’s ways are good, but purity culture takes it too far and makes it unhealthy. THAT’S the only point I’m trying to make. Don’t accuse me of things I haven’t said.
“I bet y’all are having the best time!-NO, we’re NOT. Thanks tho.” Girl PREACH😂 thank you for being willing to talk about this and following a calling God placed on your heart to help people through this. This issue is much more common than people think, and it makes people feel less isolated or alone knowing others are dealing with this. This def helps the healing process!! You rock🎉
Thanks for this Stas! When I was engaged, I listened to a ton of Christian marriage podcasts that were so informative on this subject, and was a great way to get comfy and excited with how God created me as a sexual being.
For any women wanting practical help, one of the podcasts I follow called One Extraordinary Marriage is advertising a workshop for practical sex tips for married gals. I think it's also free! Just wanted to share.
Other favs of mine are Kingdom Sexuality, Dear Young Married Couple, and Get your Marriage On podcasts 💕💖
I came from a very legalistic background. The pastors at the pulpit told us we should be thrown away as trash if we gave in before marriage. They hyper evilized sex. I'm married now and yes, the barriers are still there even after kids.
Wow that’s sad.
Wow, it’s like you read my mind! This is such a real thing and not talked about enough…It’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you as always for your honesty and being open and real with us.
Keeping it real! 💪love it! I’ll also add that for spouses that didn’t wait for marriage and have a past with others and/or pornography but were saved after it adds even deeper challenges. And also I believe people put sex on such a high pedestal in marriage that it can feel like the determining factor of whether or not the marriage is going good. Such a LIE! While it is such an awesome bonus once developed it is not the main factor in marriage. Having someone take care of you when you’re sick, someone to talk to about your thoughts, having someone to bring you gas when you run out or better yet fill your gas always so you don’t have to 😂, having and raising children together, cuddling, singing and dancing together, having someone who can make you laugh and can tell instantly when something is wrong, someone that will argue with you for HOURS because they aren’t going to give up the hard fight, someone who will pray with you and over you about anything and everything. THAT is marriage. Sex is a beautiful bonus that creates LIFE and one that is hated by Satan in marriage. It is so worth the heartache and energy to fight for it and make it amazing but just always remember that while that part may be tough thank God for the other amazing parts of marriage as well.
Yes please! Continue with this conversation! Definitely so useful🙏🏼❤️Thank you so much for this. It opened my eyes
Thank you so much for this, for the longest time I have felt like this but never knew how to explain this to my husband. It’s been almost 3 years and I’ve felt like this even after my daughter was born. Thank you and thank you Lord for helping you tell this to the people who need to hear it!
When I gave my life to Christ, I was totally self-assured in my sexuality. What I'm trying to say is that God spoke to me through various Biblical and Christian platforms that having a sexual desire is good, it is healthy and it is a major indicator that God is calling me towards marriage and not a life of singleness. One of my favourite verses concerning what I'm saying is 1 Corinthians 7:9 that actually confirmed my calling towards marriage because of the sexual desire I have. I believe God also spoke to me through this scripture that was of utmost importance to my life. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should get into marriage for sex, but what I'm saying is that sexual desire is an indicator that God is calling me and other singles to marriage because He knows that marriage is an institution that protects this wonderful gift of sexual intimacy. I am very passionate about discussions concerning Biblical sexuality and I feel so bad that many Christian women (and even men cause it's not a women's issue alone) are living in the bondage of unbiblical purity culture. I rest my case.😊😁
Thank you so much for this video! As someone who just got engaged last weekend this was very helpful. I’d love to see more videos like this or advice videos for the engagement season ❤️
It's the first time I hear someone mentioning this, thank you so much Nastasia for your vulnerability! I was raised in the purity culture, and that made my first year of marriage so difficult in the intimacy area... To be more precise, I'm still a virgin, I just block everytime my husband is trying to start an intimate moment, which makes me feel terrible... I read books and watched so many videos, but nobody came from my point of view. So I've felt so alone, angry at myself, guilty for sadening my husband... And I just don't know how to get over this... SO, yes, I would love if you could share your journey with us, and tell us how you went through this! Thank you again, God bless you
I recommend the book, the Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire, also A Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by the same author. She has podcast and website called bare marriage. It’s from a Christian perspective and is not crude and I highly recommend. I have been trying to heal from damage done by certain ideas. Thing that has helped the most is to talk openly with my husband about my struggles. And I’m trying to rewrite my mental narrative, catch myself when I think specific thoughts and change them to a healthy perspective.
@@Elise_Hunter Thank you for your your insight and advices ❤️ I read the Great Sex Rescue but I'll try "A good girls guide to great sex"!
I'm also trying to fix my thought narrative, and since two months, I see some improvement 💪
I pray that you also get fully restored and the Holy Spirit breaks down all the lies bonding you 🙏
I would also suggest shopping around for a Christian couple therapist, just so the communication stays there. But I say again shop around because some of them could possibly have purity culture views, which we obviously don't want. I Pray that the Lord gives you discernment ❤.
Thank you so so so much, I think you're so brave for talking about it and also adding some of your personal experience. I would personally really appreciate it if you made a video on how you fixed or if you managed to fix the hypertonic pelvic floor problem!
I had a natural birth with a 3rd degree tear and that fixed me right up weirdly enough LOL
I’ve always felt this way growing up!
Like as a woman you can’t show too much skin or wear an outfit that makes you feel good! (A modest outfit of course :)
I am in a relationship and have been for almost 2 years, I admit I haven’t saved myself for marriage like I should have. I also grew up Christian and around purity culture. I feel so much shame for not saving myself, and also for not being able to be as confident as I want to be without feeling like I am being vain. Even in public. (Which could just also be my anxiety lol)
Really loved this video, and I hope you do more on this topic. Maybe even a video about having confidence as a woman of God.
Thanks so much for this vid!
God Bless you and your family ❤
Emjoy your life leave purity behind
Repent and Give Jesus your heart! He wants a chance back in your life 🥺
I am really blessed to have a mom who counteracted all that purity culture professed. She taught me truth about marriage and sex. I was raised to believe sex is a good thing and that its meant to be a blessing within marriage. My parents were affectionate and loving towards each other in front of us all the time. Thankfully, I've never had this idea that any of that was bad, I just grew up knowing that it belonged within the confines of marriage and have continued to remain abstinent in my wait (& desire) for marriage. Also, most of my friends who did not wait for marriage or are living in sexual immorality were raised in stricter households that didn't talk about these things and were raised in purity culture churches. I've also known women who shared the same sentiment that you do. Hopefully, this younger generation of christian leaders will begin changing the mindset on this topic.
This was so freeing. Wow. Didn’t know I need this. Thank you. Praise God.
I'm so grateful that you're talking about this, because I feel like 9/10 I would end up on this route in my marriage, because how do you turn that switch off? Thank you so much for this video! 🥰🥰
This conversation is soooo important!! I was raised just as you did and I even had a hard time dating guys, even though I was older than 21, because it just felt so wrong and problematic.
I’m not here to shame anyone who saves themselves for marriage. If you’re doing it out of your choice, and your own walk with God, there is no problem with that. But purity culture is toxic: virginity is unnecessarily treated as an altar. People worship purity more so than God. If you’re told every day that sex before marriage and dressing immodestly and masturbating is the worst thing you can commit (especially if you are a girl), this is preoccupation with sin and that keeps us from God.
The church talks a lot ABOUT sex, but they never talk about SEX. There are songs, purity balls, books, sermons etc. dedicated to sexual sin. But the important stuff is never talked about. God created our bodies, and there is nothing wrong with learning about how they work, how our sexual organs work, and what to look out for in case there is an underlying medical issue. People should also feel comfortable speaking up if they are molested, but struggle to do so in a culture that represses any talk about sex, and that shames you for having any sexual encounter before marriage, even if it was forced upon you.
God is love. God is forgiving. God is communion and restoration. A woman’s body does not diminish every time she has sex. A woman being prepared for sexual encounters and knowing how her body works does not diminish her ‘value.’
This is everything!!!!!!!!! Thanks for talking about this! This is a conversation we need to have as the church!
Off topic but this hair look, looks so good on you😊❤
New wife here 🙋🏽♀️I 100% agree with what you’re saying and have been looking for the best way to vocalize it. I am Muslim and we have a very similar approach towards virginity & waiting for marriage. When I got married I realized I had to do some unpacking, unlearning, and over all deeper work to get comfortable with the things that were taught to me to be shameful. We’re taught our whole lives to wait until marriage & stay away from promiscuity and once our wedding night comes it’s so difficult to disassociate from the things we were taught.
I'm still single but thanks for this video
I think purity culture is established to meet the needs of men and not women. Female sexuality is complex and far more than a biological release like men. Standard dogma doesnt take that into account and hurts women
It has been talked about regularly. I wasn't hearing it because you were living in a "Purity" bubble. I am in no way mocking you as a none Christian. I understand. We come to understand that some things which religion are "silent" about and which is often interpreted as sinful by Clergymen will further confuse a chaste young woman as yourself. As you "look" through the glass bubble of your insulated world at the reality of a world you live in but never a part of, you have now realize that there are grey areas not just black and white. There are nuances and context in how things are applied and should be applied. You are honest enough to express how naive you were and the challenges you still face. You've earned my respect!
I think us ladies experience purity culture differently than men because we're told our whole lives that being sexy is a bad thing. We work hard to not be sexy, then we're expected to just flip it on like there's some magic switch and it just doesn't work like that. I think it's important to teach girls how to be sexy and confident while maintaining purity. This may just be me because I grew up in such a strict church that we were told wearing anything but white cotton underwear would cause us to have a Jezebel spirit and make us act sexy and then the men would want us and we wouldn't be able to resist. Literally, we were told in our purity classes not to wear socks with lace, or show our collar bones, or elbows because it would turn men on and make us sin. It's despicable really!
Being "sexy" is secular nonsense. Be feminine, that's it
Girls are taught that sex is bad. But no one teaches them about how God made sex to be beautiful within a marriage covenant. We are all sexual beings and God desired us to be pure, but sin entered the world and God created the marriage union so that couples can fulfil their sexual needs in a legal way. Sex in marriage prevents us from getting STDs and should a child be conceived, the child would have a complete family. Even with modesty standards in place, women can still be sexy. Wearing sexy lingerie under modest clothing will make a woman feel sexy yet she is modest on the outside.
I used to idolize Chastity and I think it's a mistake
Chastity is not on the throne of morality
That’s right our focus should be on The Lord God Almighty.
I was raised like you, also saving myself for marriage. But I don’t have this issue.
I think the difference is I don’t see secular culture as evil, sinful, or wrong(I’m in musical industry so sexual contents are everywhere in my daily life). For me, they just don’t know Jesus yet. So they need physical intimacy before marriage to feel love instead of knowing how good God created sex in marriage. Once I embraced that culture but still understood the value of waiting. I allow myself to be sexy and physically attractive for my significant other after marriage.
I even researched how to please my fiancé in bed before the wedding night and never felt guilty.
A little story about us: My fiancé experienced a lot; he was saved after all those terrible things he did. Now he totally understands the value of waiting. When we started dating, I told him I believe sex is the best thing that God created. It’s too good, so I waited my whole life for the special person. Let’s save it until marriage. He was so thankful that God had given him a girl, not letting him be sinful again.
Thank you for gentle handling of a difficult topic and for not just throwing out purity culture as so many are doing these days. It’s the abuses that need rejecting, not purity. But with many couples I’ve counseled as a pastor, there is a lot of confusion over where to draw the line in marriage. Sin is always the line, as you’ve touched on, so that just being married doesn’t mean anything goes (porn, open relationships, multiple partners, sinful things God has specifically called out), but the limits are much narrower and the freedoms much broader than most people realize, for a variety of reasons. It’s amazing how many people have sexual abuse in their past, which further complicates their understanding and threshold of what is (or should be) normal, and lengthens the time it takes for their healing and recovery for a healthy relationship with their spouse. I’ll be praying for you as you continue to minister to others. Blessings!
Thank you Nastasia for being so honest and truthful! Love it! The WHOLE truth is always important!
Yes please talk about it! Because barely anyone else is talking about it
Thank you so much for making this video! I am getting married in 44 days, and have been praying through a lot of these issues! It is really good to hear someone else's perspective. God bless you!
I hear you completely sis and I think an even bigger conversation that needs to be expanded on as well is the fact that purity is not solely virginity because even as a married person, purity is the standard that will also help keep the marriage bed pure. It's actually a lifestyle not just a single act of saving oneself for marriage, purity is an overarching theme of holiness honestly and I think it's been dangerously murdered by the devil and society but it's also been severely undermined as a conversation in the body of Christ
Thank you for this candid message. God bless you girl❤
Thank you for sharing this message this in such a kind way.
Thanks for your boldness to share! I've been married 1 year and it hasn't been what I've expected at all. Definitely not easy or natural.
Good stuff Stas! Im getting married next summer so taking notes here ❤ what makeup are you wearing? I love the look!
I really really appreciate this honestly
Thank you for this! This is such a necessary conversation to have especially for women who are waiting for marriage. It's really a blessing to receive insight on such a taboo topic
I am of a different religion but everything you said really hit home. Purity culture is very twisted and sideways.
This is spot on!!! The enemy is smart, he has affected my sex life with my husband. My self confidence is at an all time low. Gained a bunch of weight in the last 13 years. I am in peri-menopause and feel not sexy at all. Because the lack of intimacy between us, my husband has a porn addiction, and committed adultery unfortunately, which in turn has destroyed our trust and intimacy even more. 😢The devil wants to destroy marriage and families, and he does, very successfully if you let him. Marriage is a beautiful covenant that is meant to be forever and God holds marriage in such high regard. Thank you for being so raw and sharing this. I encourage you to deny the lies the devil is feeding you. You are beautiful and sexy and that is ok because you are being this with your hubby, so it’s so special between just you two. Men, long for sex and women long for love.
Your husband is an adulterer by choice not by the lack of intimacy. It is not your fault he has an addiction. He has a choice and he is choosing to follow his flesh which is dishonoring to you and to God. He made a promise for sickness and in health. He could pray for his marriage and sex life with you instead. Please don’t believe that lie that it’s because of the lack of intimacy. Thats an excuse to place blame on you for HIS addiction. There are plenty of married men who are intimate with their wives often but still have an addiction. So again it is not your fault. But also please remember that sex isn’t the most important part of a marriage and intimacy goes way deeper than the physical act of sex. And before the physical can truly get good you’re gonna have to create a safe space for you both. The first place to start is with Grace and Forgiveness. ❤
@@daughterofthemosthigh6869I came for this comment.
The woman's job in marriage is to keep her man's eyes away from other women. If he strays away, it's largely her fault for not putting out for him. In today's world that is gonna be very hard considering the current culture. I am glad i have found a wife, but there are days when it's not easy for us. We even deleted social media. We also mostly go out with just us and sometimes friends. But like for example - yesterday we went out for July 4th to a big city. It was hot and all I could focus on was what i saw in front of me. My wife was also angry at what she saw. But it was all in my face. I literally had to cup my eyes in one instance. Whoever's prospective we are considering, whether it be the man. or the woman's, we have to address that it is hard to be married and make the marriage work in today's modernized and corrupted world. and in my view, yall women could do better, just sayin. you need to get a little more "wild" for your man. that may mean, losing weight, dressing better, being a little more creative in the bed room or just making our guys's lives less stressful.
Great topic!!! I can see how turning on this switch can be difficult
YES LORD THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING OBEDIENT IN MAKING THIS VIDEO! I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THIS AND IVE HAD SO MUCH FEAR BUT ITS SO COMFORTING TO KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY ONE. 😩😩😩
This is awesome. You presented it is such a great way. It has been on my mind and I have discussed it with my daughter, but I think they way you worded it will help her even more. Thank you for sharing.
I want to add my opinion as a non believer. I came across your video and I like to here different perspectives to I clicked.
I consider myself to be agnostic, and a intersectional feminist. Intersectional meaning we includ all women and human issues; and acknowledge the interaction. And how all kinds of different experiences interact and co-exist.
You say you weren't traumatized but I would argue that having to force down barriers, rewire your brain from responses that make you feel shameful or dirty. Is a trauma response, that doesn't happen without psychological harm. Being traumatized doesn't mean that the person who causes it is evil.
I also find "evil" and "good" is very black and white thinking without nuance. Just as your explanation of the "two sides" or "Satan causing the breakdown of the family" to be two examples.
There's more then 2 sides to this. There's a bunch of middle and different beliefs. Also a lot of feminist also have issues with the hypersexualulized depictions of women. I wrote a research essay in college about this topic. I hate the women are over sexualized, I don't think hookups should be the standard, or having a lot of sex means you are confident or have a good sex life. It's all lies not because thes things can he true but because its all from a male perspective. All of these things for straight women benefit men. And people wanting to profit off sex. Women in secular society just like Christian society. Build out sexuality around what men want. Be the whore or be the Madonna. Both of the sides don't beg the question "what do women want?" "what do we like?" "does believing this and doing this feel good?"
"How does this make me feel?". These are good questions to ask. Because not everyone wants to wait for marriage or do sex work, or hookup. Some people just want one partner, might have 1 or 3 long term partners. Find someone get married settle down have kids. Without waiting for marriage or only being with 1 person. And some want to wait until marriage.
What choices women make because they WANT to be making them is not an evil, bad, is shamefu choice. What's bad is making a sexual choice that doesn't bring you joy.
What's evil is misogyny and sexism that make women feel bad about who want are. Because men and society have always benefited from women being afraid of what we are capable of. We come from the same society which so why the "devil is every where" were two sides of the same coin.
Hookups aren't liberating and waiting for marriage isn't liberating. In a world that is violent to women and sexualizes us.
Everyone should be allowed to be who they are.
We didn’t wait for marriage and I still felt a lot of these feelings.
I think that’s good for people to know
Thanks for sharing. Did it negatively affect you?
@@Faithfullfertilitytv Absolutely! I completely believed that I would marry the guy I lost my virginity to so when we broke up I felt like I was damaged goods and became promiscuous.
I understand how that can be. I'm a single girl who is waiting on God for marriage. This purity culture has destroyed many people individually and in marriage. In fact, while God wants holiness for all of us through sexual purity, the idea of purity culture we have in the society is unbiblical. Actually, this is a cultural issue and not something that is Biblical. In fact, the woman in Songs of Solomon was sexual lyrics confident for her husband. Ladies, read the Bible for yourselves when it comes to this issue so that you don't fall for the trap of the so called "purity culture". In fact, I believe that purity culture is preventing people from understanding the fact that they were biologically created by a Holy God to have a sex drive. From this perspective, what I'm trying to say is that purity culture has made people feel guilty about having a sex drive as a holy and sexually pure Christian whether you're single or married which is actually a bad thing. It's like the culture is trying to shame you in your face that it is bad and so called "unholy" to desire sex in marriage while you're single or married. As for the ladies in Hollywood movies, they depict the character of the Shulamite woman in Songs of Solomon, but in the wrong way and in the wrong contexts that lead to a lot of unfaithfulness in marriage. We must have wisdom to discern what is sexually right or wrong when it comes to expressing your sexuality especially when it comes to marriage. Otherwise, be like those people in the Bible that would examine scriptures even after being preached to about sexuality by pastors because what they might be saying might be unbiblical and they maybe they don't even know it and just grew up that way. Sometimes it is ignorance (I'm being gentle in my speech, don't worry) that has created purity culture in the society we live in today. We live in extremities to a point where we don't know what is right anymore concerning sexuality, but the good news is that as Christians, we have the word of God to guide us and we should abide by it at all times in order to get wisdom.
Love this conversation and I believe that it’s super helpful and something in walking through rn :)
This is so real to me. I've only been married a few months and though we have boundaries on what we're trying for personal reasons, even within those boundaries I struggle to enjoy it. Part of that is some trauma I have where things were used incorrectly as coping mechanisms, but part of that really is and was the continued "stuffing it down" before we got married. I have to learn that it's okay on so many levels and that I'm free, and it's just so much easier for him than me.
Honestly, I think it should all be balanced. Passion is a beautiful and special part of marriage, and I feel sex has been seen as this evil and horrible thing when really it is a natural think God intended for us to enjoy when we are married. Also a lot of movies and shows I’ve watched such as the Notebook has displayed a romantic relationship without it being so raunchy but still displayed the beauty of passion within a married couple or true love. It is all about a healthy balance of emotional and physical intimacy.
I think this video shouldve been called "sacred purity vs purtity in the media
I appreciate your honesty and your kindness about talking about your issues in marriage. I am a widow now, and I can honestly say that purity culture can and does cause harm to marriages. It's important for Christian couples to enjoy the beauty of sexuality and not feel shame about it. Also I'd like to encourage you as a mature woman who is now a widow to embrace your sensuality and sexuality within your marriage with your husband. Your relationship with each other is beautiful and your Creator wants you to enjoy sensual pleasure. Don't allow anyone to take away your god-given right to pleasure.
You hit it completely on the nail! This is something that I hope would definitely change in our youth groups for our young girls especially. If we could help cultivate a helpful godly and realistic mindset about sex and that’s appropriate while they are young maybe when they get married they would be able to transition a little easier. It took me a few years for that to click. Im going on 12 now. But it was rough. I’m so glad you are talking about this. Definitely something to pray about for the current generation.
I’m not Christian but I was raised in a similar purity culture religion and I developed vaginismus. It’s very common with people raised in purity culture. It’s clear these are such damaging ways of thinking
This is my issue. I can’t get wet for sex because I just can’t get aroused regardless of foreplay. I love my husband and I don’t feel guilty because we are married in the eyes of God but I’m getting to the 2 year marriage mark and it’s still ongoing.
You can use lubricant
Or coconut oil :)
This was a great topic, thanks for sharing. What was the podcast you mentioned? I don’t see the link.
When you see a film thats says anything then g or pg rated whether its a film or game or show or whatever it is should be boundaries so we dont let the media control good christ like sexual innocence
Even as a man I resonate so much. I was saved at 13 and grew up in a version of Church purity culture from that point on. Everything from giving females hugs, to hanging out at the mall in coed groups, to talking for more than a minute or two to any one female, even sometimes looking at a girl's eyes while I talked to her were all painted as inappropriate and lustful behavior by my youth pastor at the time and his brother. I'm now 30, single and still working passed that brainwashing. Before then I wasn't a little middle school ladies man, but I DEFINITELY had way more confidence with girls att 13 then I do with women at 30. I still battle feeling dirty for talking to a woman and looking in her eyes. I would feel evil to try and ask a woman for her phone number or out on a date.
I've had 3 short relationships with rather sl***y "Christian" women who were the ones to approach me. I figured they were experienced enough they could help me break out of the purity culture lies, while also being "Christian enough" for me to be equally yoked. But those were disaster relationships.
Please do a video on how you healed!!!! Thank you for this video!!!!
I saw pornography at a very young age.. my grandfather had very vulgar posters in his garage, had magazines everywhere, and then I also would walk in and find movies….
We didn’t grow up in church, I know what a shock with that intro! I do still remember people coming to school discussing how you need to save yourself… I even remember the women in my family preaching this…
Eventually we did go to church… eventually I did become a Christian but not until I was 29 and had went through a period where I slept around and did a lot that brought shame to myself…
I thought sex would be the last issue I would have since, I had some experience… well… I struggle in those area big time!
I struggle to be okay in revealing clothing even just at home. I believe mine goes back to seeing all that pornography and knowing that was wrong…. Knowing I didn’t want men to see me that disgusting way is how my brain worked… well now my husband of course encourages sexier underwear than I would choose lol
Things like that… at first I was annoyed and thinking omg I’m too old to care about this, I want comfy!! I made a joke that I’m going to design an entire men’s underwear line and make it from nothing but itchy lace and say here!!! You wear this and tell me how nice you feel by the end of the day LOL
But seriously I will say Maurice’s does a nice job making some comfortable and attractive sets if anyone needs to know 😉
My husband tells me to read Song of Songs… I’ll be honest it feels so incredibly awkward to read. I’m praying and asking The Holy Spirit to help with this.
Thank you for making this video… now we need a support group !
love it! this so relevant!!!
This is a real thing. I was not a virgin when I got married a year ago but I was involved in purity culture for 5 years before meeting my husband. I thought I was broken when we got married and it was hard, much harder than it was when I was in sin!
Good discussion.
"..trying to rewirer my brain, neuron by neuron." Hahaha 😂 Love it. Great message, thank you for sharing. I feel like single women are almost shamed by the church, maybe because modesty is such a fluid thing these days. Especially for highly attractive women, when you get attention from men it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong and starts to make you ashamed of the attention you are getting. Men are just given alot more license (not explicitly) but I feel like no one (except your wife) is telling you not to look at women. Some dudes literally be looking at me all throughout the church service (not in an overtly sexual way, because I am not dressed scantily) but it used to make me really uncomfortable. Now I just realize that they are weird/bored/probably have no idea what they are doing and try to ignore them. Not really on topic to your video but I think it ties into the kind of sexuality averse "purity" you are talking about. I spent some time in another country and was suprise with how brazen the women were in their demenor toward men and these were religious women. It wasn't sexual but almost flirtatous it was like it was just part of being a woman. Very different from alot of women in Christian America. Men should have a little more shame, not toward sex in their marriage but toward their eyes and women they are not married to.
I definitely feel this way and have been searching for ways of fixing my mindset and preparing for a good marriage! Growing up I feel like it was drilled into me that sex is bad and not honoring God. I felt guarded for so long that now that Im about to get married I am not sure how to make the switch. I am relieved to see that Im not alone in this!
I do firmly believe that it is possible to wait to the point where you are no longer mentally able or even physically able to turn that switch on. Especially if the only messages that you have received about the intimate side of marriage are negative. I look back at my life (I'm 67 and never married) and it seems like I was almost being prepared for life as a celibate nun rather than a wife. I wasn't really encouraged to develop or express sexuality--and still don't as a single woman in the church. It's an awkward topic that I feel shut out of because I have never married. I do cardio drumming twice a week with my local senior group and there is one song we do that quite frankly I don't get--"I'm So Excited". Oh I know on an intellectual level what the song is talking about, but emotionally, no, I don't get it. That switch has been on "off" for so long it is frozen at that position. I can't imagine being in the position of the woman in that song who is looking forward to an evening of physical intimacy. I don't know what it is like. Even my cat, when she went into heat (before I got her spayed), I have no idea what that feels like, to want physical union that badly. I was taught to be afraid of sex, afraid of lust, afraid of all these normal, natural feelings, that my body and mind shut themselves down. As my gynecologist said, the reason that you have vaginismus is because your body is protecting you from something dangerous. It's not something you can control. What makes me angry is that there are ignorant Christian women, most of them widows, who think it is so sweet that I have saved myself all these years--it's like I am their "pet virgin". They think that it is wonderful that I am so pure. What they do not see is that these attitudes they so praise have ruined me for marriage. I cannot marry, or even go into a relationship knowing what I know about myself. I feel that I have been robbed of my natural birthright in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because it was all done in His Name. These teachings and these attitudes did not come from the secular world, they came 100% from the Christian world, and yes, I have a lot of anger and sadness because something beautiful was taken from me and I allowed it to be taken from me. I bought into purity, I bought into abstinence, I bought into everything that I was taught, and I feel betrayed. I feel I was lied to in Jesus' Name. And I know that there are a lot of people who will say well, that is not really Christianity and I am sorry that you were hurt, yada, yada, yada, and don't give up on marriage and don't give up on Christ--but I am going to tell you now you are wasting your time because you cannot undo all the damage that was done to me in the Name of Your Savior, you cannot even begin to undo that damage because of how it was done and why it was done. So please don't even try to comfort me, because you cannot. Only if you have walked in my shoes or are currently walking in my shoes do I even want to hear from you.
Let me tell you I waited for sex until I was 29 and not married, worse mistake I ever made in my whole life. Totally not worth it!!!! Marriage shows respect for God and each other. Putting God first is important.make sure it's right.
I "made sure it was right" and it was my biggest regret in life.
I need more content like this to send to my wife.. Any recommendations?
Speaking out can help other women. Stay strong, a good husband.
I've reached my early 30s and am still waiting
Hi Nastasia, I feel like I can relate to what you're saying. Im 19 and saving myself for marriage, but I just ended my first relationship and can understand feeling wrong for wanting to be intimate, and not knowing what to do when a guy is attracted to you; I dont know how it is in sex, but even wanting to kiss felt difficult to me mentally, like im wrong if i do it, and i shouldnt be impulsive or touch/hug my boyfriend at all unless he does first; I can imagine that being really hard, Im sorry, I really hope it gets better for you, and let us know once some time passes how its improved. I love watching you, i feel like i relate to the way you think. Ill pray for you, sorry youre going through that❤️
I would recommend the “Heaven in Your Home” podcast by Francie Winslow. She talks a lot about overcoming shame and growing intimacy in your marriage. I’m not married yet, but I’ve learned a lot from her to help me think about intimacy within marriage in a biblical and positive way. Thank you for being so open and honest about this. I definitely think Christian women should do better at supporting each other and encouraging each other in this area.
How do you rewire your heart to fix this department in marriage? My husband and I are in Christian counseling but I cannot even barely talk about this department in counseling. I still blush and hang my head and want to run away. I'm on guard totally in marriage.
The secret is a great many women who save themselves go through this same stuff and they all lie and don't tell the truth when they are pushing purity culture... It always has probably been bad for women when you think about how marital relationships have been constructed historically. it also contributes to women not picking men they are even sexually attracted to which adds another element to dysfunction. Its a vicious cycle. Its a middle ground though...
“I’m a strong believer in Jesus Christ” 👏 👏
And let's face it, it can be really hard to stay pure living and judging by the standards of a Holy God in a hypersexual society and environment around us. Also let's face it, at the same time, the purity culture can suck sometimes and make you feel like as if you are evil but all in all, God is faithful and gracious to all of us in different situations by the end of the day. God bless you guys and take care. I now rest my case again.😂
Why can’t you also feel confident or sexy in your body when you’re single??
U can
@@janaeclarke136 thanks bby
Hello! Would you be interested in having an interview about the effects of purity culture has had on dating, relationships, marriage and women’s mental health? I would love to share my story with you and your lovely audience. ❤
I hereby acknowledge she has escaped the matrix of religious bondage
Honestly I think you are overthinking sex too much
@@therealsubaekhyang just because sex is spiritual doesn’t mean it should warrant that kind of anxiety in a person. That’s not healthy if you’re starting to shame your own body.
@@ladybug6892 I agree with that.
Exactly... too much anxiety
I think it's the way she was raised in purity culture
Somewhat unrelated, but would be interested to see a video about the transition from working outside the home to stay at home mom! ❤
I’ve actually had teaching that you shouldn’t try to be attractive to your spouse. That it is trying to be like those girls. So yes. You are correct.
I also suffered trauma and did reblel in my thirties.
Where's the link to the podcast that helped you a lot?
Thank you for your consistency lately! I have to catch up on your recents now🫶🏼
Purity culture messages need to go away forever. So damaging and not biblical! Ugh!
I’m so glad I’m pursuing the Word and allowing Holy Spirit to teach me what the Word says. Way way too much religion and legalism in church that I want nothing to do with
Sounds like you were in your head. However i never asked my wife if she felt that way. Honestly when we got married the intimacy side just flowed naturally. She doesnt have to do a lot for me to attracted to her.
I feel like it is such a hard thing, especially in our society where everything is about sex and I feel like they tainted the reason for it. As like a 19 yo its so hard to keep away from societys view of sex and have it not influence your idea of it please continue the topic cuz I don't think I'm the only one struggling