I wonder how many good little Christian girls think they have "a higher than normal sex drive", who in actuality have what is just an average, healthy sex drive. In this community, we're taught that men have high sex drives, and that is just something we'll have to cope with. This has influenced what we think if as "normal and average".
I heard many times it was hinted at- never actually explained or talked about- that women don't have "those feelings" and we were responsible for causing "brethren to stumble" so it was our duty to dress modestly and it kinda was just implied from there. I remember crying thinking "I think I'm a man" alone all the time. Not because I was experiencing gender dysphoria but simply because I was experiencing sexual desire but I was also incessantly abused emotionally,verbally and mentally by those around me that were supposed to teach,build me up and nurture me. I was extremely isolated as a child, so my world was small and I figured if everyone at home and in my small world of really only leaving the house to go to church (homeschooled) thought I was just stupid and bad and couldn't do anything right and ugly, that I was. And that everyone would always see me as those things... And I used to get so sad. I would burn inside. I desperately wanted love and attention and validation but I couldn't and can't even still give myself those things. So I still struggle with deep seated shame. Like if I'm with a partner and they finish, I get really quiet and feel like I can't tell them/ask them to help me finish and I get deeply sad inside and I know it's not their fault, I just feel gross or unworthy or that there is something wrong or selfish about me for needing things too. I'm 28. My world has still stayed very small and I guess I feel like masturbating makes me feel lonely and gross so I feel like if I don't have a partner helping me then I'm ashamed. I know it's not logical obviously or I wouldn't be talking about it here, but it's just a deep aching sad feeling I can't shake that's been engrained in me from the religious trauma. It's been a huge source of stolen joy from me and self loathing. I don't know how to break it.
I think its a total misnomer that a Christian girl is supposed to have a low sex drive. Read, Song Of Songs in the Old Testament. It's all about sexual desire. This girl was poorly taught imho. No wonder she rebelled.
I remember being at a swimming pool with my fundie best friend, she got her period and I gave her a tampon so that she could still swim. She asked me, at seventeen, “how do I find the hole”, and this is a huge danger of purity culture. Imagine all the medical issues she was possibly missing, or the way she must have been wiping to avoid touching “too much”. It made me so sad for her, to think of how divorced she was from her own body.
I literally had the same moment at my friends house, except I was the one who couldn't use a tampon. Purity culture has completely fucked me over both mentally and physically
@@andres1xy I'm healing for the most part, still some shit I have to learn, but I can use a tampon now! I was so happy when that happened I cried😅 but it's getting better
Glad I'm not the only who who thought about chopping my hand off lol. That fact that more than one child (and I'm sure we're not the only ones) thought about doing an act of self-harm that extreme because it was metaphorically endorsed in the Bible is pretty sickening to me now. It just shows how deep the trauma of purity culture can get into your psyche.
Oh wow, I'm so sorry you had that thought too! But thank you for sharing- I definitely thought I was alone in that haha. I totally agree with you- it is so sickening!!
Being bisexual, with a high sex drive, and trying to be "pure" drove me into a totally hypersexual teenage hood. If I had been told that having sexual feelings was normal, how to recognize when things weren't quiet right down there or with other partners, what is normal, what isn't. But that was ALL so taboo when I was growing up. I found out about all the ugly, gross, and good stuff about sex through hooking up with random people on tinder, which I would not reccomend.
I had the same issue. I am not only bisexual but hyper sexual more than most ppl and I'm a Christian. It's rough. I was told it was evil and I was a pervert and defective. But I don't think god makes mistakes and he wanted me to be like this for some reason.
We all have desires! I've always felt as if no one wanted it more than me! It got to be where I would try more extreme things like 3 girls at once, fetishes like making them squirt etc. I would waste a whole day or 2 only on my sexual desires I still battle it every day!
Oh wow, I was not expecting asexuality to be included in this! I'm asexual and was raised in a conservative christian environment that of course valued purity. At first I wondered why everyone seemed to have trouble staying "pure" when it was so easy (for me) to not even date or kiss anyone. Later I assumed it must be one of my strengths as a christian. Purity culture still harmed me, though. When I had a crush on someone at 12, I thought that meant I might marry them, since I was taught that if you like someone you should date them and you should only date with marriage as the goal. Marriage meant sex, so I panicked about that for a while (I'm the sex repulsed kind of asexual). It taught me to judge people for not being pure enough too. I also um have a nonzero l*b*do so there was and is shame surrounding that too.
This comment totally spoke my mind. I had a huge superiority complex from 12-14 because I didn’t get crushes or feel any sexual urges, and I saw everyone else as being weak minded. This was in turn praised & reinforced by my youth leaders. I saw sex for any reason other than reproduction as inherently sinful, even WITHIN marriage because I didn’t believe something would stop being a sin just because there was some arbitrary new title associated with it, since that’s how it was with any other sin. Naturally, this also made me really homophobic as well (kinda funny now that I identify as biromantic & nonbinary). The year after when I was 15 I became agnostic (and later atheist), and it’s been 7 years since then. Even so, I still have a hard time ridding myself of these purity culture ideas. Even the idea of talking about m@sturb@tion still makes me cringe. Here’s to both of our success! I wish you luck my guy
Thank you for noting that you’re a sex repulsed asexual, a lot of people assume that all of us are. I enjoy sex but identify as asexual because of my lack of sexual attraction, at first I thought I was pan because I feel no sexual desire for any gender, but I realised that I like the feeling and am not interested in the people. It’s a very weird thing to experience because porn does nothing for me, and my partners have had trouble understanding me.
I hope you don't mind me asking...what is meant by asexual but also "nonzero l*b*do" and also "sex repulsed" :) thank you, I'd really like to understand better. I was also raised in a strict Christian home with lots of sexual shaming.
You are such a legend for confessing this so publicly. Sex is a big deal for humans (Well, all life basically) as it is a central mechanic for our survival as a species. To suppress that drive would be almost as bad as suppressing the urge to go to the toilet... or eat. Good on you!
This shouldn't be about shame or not shame, just it's matter of understanding that Because God wanted to protect us all from the worst consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain things, just for our well-being ❤️✨💯
@@Lichtgeschwindigkeit196 Y’know how you don’t teach that? Abstinence only. People NEED a proper sex education in order to be informed and make good choices. They are safest when they understand that sex is okay, they just need to use protection unless all parties have been tested and confirmed to not have STDs. That’s why the teen pregnancy rate is so much higher in the south- they reject this and favor guilting people for their desires. It is NOT for you, schools, the government, or a god that we can’t prove even exists to decide what people do with their own bodies.
Hi...! What a marvelous talk and testimony! I am starting a UA-cam channel called.. "christianSEXdaddy". We are all called to be mommies and daddies to one another.. And are experience of arousal and pleasure.. And the SHARING of our arousal and pleasure experiences SHOULD NOT BE SO HIDDEN...! It is a special and wonderful family reality...!! So glad to find you. Much respect! I am making likes and subscription... AND I AM SHARING YOU WITH OTHERS..! Pleez Send me good energy for the development of this Christian sex daddy channel.
Something that has always disturbed me about Fundamentalist cults is the “0 to 60” aspect of sexuality. Before marriage, there can be no masturbation, no experimentation, or even kissing in some circles. But on your wedding night, you are expected to consummate your marriage and fulfill your duty as a spouse. I didn’t grow up fundamentalist - but I can’t imagine being a young person - forced to be so disconnected from your own sexuality and body - and then, on your wedding night, be fully ready to have lots of sex. In the Gloriavale cult, young married people are wedded, IMMEDIATELY go off to consummate the marriage, and then come back for the reception 😳 Exploring sexuality - with yourself and others - TAKES TIME ⏰ Great video - there are people who need to hear about your journey 💜
You might as well be describing my childhood. I never realized how toxic my upbringing was until recently. You described things I'd never told another living soul. I'm now in therapy trying to deprogram this horrible purity culture so I can actually truly enjoy sex, because the church broke that part of me.
I wonder if you'd be comfortable in giving a small status update on how your therapy has helped you? If not then I hope it's going, or gone, well and that you're in a healthier headspace!
@@ExFundieDiaries You should have studied more as I see no place where masturbation is sinful unless one lusts after another , other than a committed partner for life. Masturbating without lusting is not sinful unless someone can show me,as i have never seen such and we are not to add or subtract from what God thru the bible tells us.thanks
Christian fundamentalism operates on two totally opposite extremes. On one extreme, they idolize marriage, family, and children, and put pressure on singles in church to get married. On the other extreme, dating couples are not allowed to ride in the same car or spend time together alone. Another extreme is when a single man or woman engages in a conversation with another single who is a member of the opposite sex, that’s when people in the church will start to get suspicious and gossip about them as if they are dating even though they are just friends. Imho, Christian fundamentalism is a sub-culture that exists within our modern day society.
how are those opposite extremes? Dating and marriage are two different things. Sex while dating is fornication that sends you to hell. Sex while married is holy and blessed by God
Fundamentalist lol. This society is fundamentalist today. People are lonely, have no kids, can operate little childrens body if they feel like the opposite gender, have sex every week with different people. Thats sick. To be for the most natural nuclear family, be loyal for one person rest of you life, build stability is now fundamentalist lmao
Although I have issues with how sex is talked about to men in church culture, I'm glad they at least have someone and people to talk to about their sexual drives. Women get no one, we only get told how to not tempt men.... not that we actually have sex drives too - I just assumed it wasn't going to come up until I fell in love one day. Boy was I wrong.
You’re absolutely right. There’s literally no space for women to talk about being at all sexual bc the moment you bring it up, you’re labeled as a sexual deviant, lustful, etc. And good LORD the whole “men are visual creatures thing” never made sense to me. Like I’m a woman and I can get turned on by a collarbone so idk what to tell you.
@@shaunsteele8244 Lol your profile says there are 24 comments you made on this channel…You should exercise some self control not to be so obsessed with harassing others with different opinions.
God wanted to protect us all from the worst consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain things, just for our well-being✨❤️💯
Sexual repression is powerful Tool to rule all others, religions use this to obtain and hold their power,….today we have the Internet, what works fantastic too….
Gosh I just love how open you talk about this! It actually accomplishes that I don’t feel awkward either, you just treat it so naturally. This honestly is eye opening.
Puberty is hard enough without the messed up mind games of purity culture. I'm glad you seem to have come to terms with your experiences. You seem well balanced. You do you.
I did the calendar thing!! For the same reasons. I’m a guy and I was taught by my parents that masterbation was the same as homosexuality “since you are loving yourself” every time I succumbed I would feel extreme guilt and beg god to forgive me. Been an atheist for 10+ years and it’s taken a long time for those feelings of guilt to go away.
It makes me angry to think of the pain and self-hate caused by the false God-hates-sexual-appetite zealots. There is NO mention of masturbation in the Bible. We can no more deny our sexual appetite than our appetite for food. Wouldn't it be a very cruel God to make a demanding undeniable sexual appetite that must always be resisted? Masturbation is our relief valve. You are brave to make this video.
What about wet dreams as a relief valve? I'm confused now cause in church they're saying it's a sin but not a word about it in 5je Bible only this: "If your right arm causes you to sin, cut it out" what's that for? Isn't that for masturbation?
I really, really appreciate your frankness and willingness to get so personal with this. I was also raised fundie and had similar experiences. You took the words right out of my mouth when you said that you felt like a freak for being a girl with sexual desires. I was always taught that women didn't desire sex. If a woman has sex, she's either been coerced, or if she actually wants it, it's because of love/romance - never pure sexual pleasure. I grew up thinking something was very wrong with me. I'm so glad that you and I both are now free from that toxic theology!
Christianity does not teach that having a high sex drive is a bad thing in itself though. It is only if we choose to dwell on these thoughts or act on them that it goes against God's will. Concerning masturbation, I would highly encourage everyone to research about the nofap movement because you will quickly find out that many unbelievers have chosen to let go of porn and masturbation because the benefits they experienced outweighed the sacrifice. This is just one wonderful example of how much God rewards obedience and wants the best for his children ❤️
@@arbretree5463 First of all, God is a genocidal maniac and in no position to pass moral judgment on Hitler, let alone the rest of us. Second, nofap is ridiculous and stupid. Masturbation has health benefits.
@@carmensavu5122 God is the giver of life so he is the only one who can also rightfully take it back from people. Have you ever looked into the concept of "sex transmutation"?
This is what I needed to hear when I was a teenager. I'm an atheist now, and I can't believe that this was thought to be normal. Thanks for talking about this and bringing it to light for someone who's trapped in their faith.
These videos pertaining to sex and purity culture are helping me process the past so much. You make me feel normal and like I’ve done the right thing for myself by leaving my faith. Thank you for being so vulnerable so we can learn and relate!!
Ugh, that cycle you mentioned. That brought back a lot of things I'd forgotten about. I was the same age when I experienced that cycle. The only difference is that I never had a "come to Jesus" moment like yours. I just sat there in church services or the chapel services at my school feeling like an unforgivable monster and wondering how much more shameful it'd feel when I got to the Judgment Seat of Christ in the afterlife and he recounted each and every time I'd touched myself. When I eventually found out how normal those urges and the responses to those urges were, that became a huge factor in my ultimate departure from the faith. I was both angry and relieved at the same time. Great video, Elly.
I think that preacher was right about shame and confession. I'm not a Christian either, but I do think that it is much easier to overcome something upsetting you if you tell someone what you are going through. And shame often does the opposite - being ashamed of a behavior makes it harder to avoid that behavior. These ideas are a big part of 12 step programs for addiction, for example, both confessing to the group and letting go of shame by recognizing how your failings are shared by so many.
I know EXACTLY that post-mastubation thought loop you're talking about. Same age as you, left the church around age 17. And still sometimes feel that fucking shame. I've been unpacking my religious trauma for over a decade and STILL sometimes feel like this. So fucked up.
@@shaunsteele8244 If what you say is true, then all cultures should experience the same shame for the same things, but they don't. Either you are wrong, or for your statement to be true other cultures must have been given different morality that God sees as equally legitimate even if they are contradictory. The more likely answer is that shame is a psychological byproduct of the way you are raised and your social group.
I was AMAB, only recently accepting myself as a transwomen, although I had a very similar situation growing up, my evangelical upbringing in Canada was slightly different, my Dad seemed to hold everyone else above myself and seemed to never care about me after I was 7 in terms of believing me when the other kids would tell their tales with me as the bad person, so the strictness was always directed towards me even as an AMAB indivual, I always felt shame when I would... Deal with my thoughts, although when I was being a "Good Christian Male" by not dealing with my issue I'd have a very large internal... Impurity, and unfortunately it would come off with me being extremely creepy around the girls within the house. And I'm so sorry for all those I annoyed and was being so creepy towards.
I remember laying on the couch literally crying because my need was so great, but it wasn't allowed. I also had the shame and self hatred, compounded by being told that being trans was a sexual deviation. that really fucked me up and complicated my relationship with my gender identity for the longest time.
I'm so sorry to hear that and I send you love and healing, nothing wrong with masturbating or being trans and I hope you're in a better place mentally/emotionally and are safe now
Same raised Catholic and told sex was evil. Became a Christian and realized sex is good and healthy and god wants you to have it. Or he wouldn't have wired us to reproduce and not only that tells us to be fruitful and multiply.
Elly, your videos are always beautifully human and honest. I learn something every time I watch one, and they help me to grow as a human and spiritual being. I was not raised in fundamentalist culture, but I believe there is still expectation for cishet females to remain pure for cishet males. I see it in my work with my adolescent clients and see the damage it does when there is sexual trauma with my girls. Masturbation can be a way for people to reclaim their own bodies after sexual trauma. When folks have been conditioned by someone else as to what they do and don't desire, it can be a tool of empowerment to discover what is true and what is not so that when they do enter into consensual relationships, they are better able to voice their needs and wants. Thank you so much for the courage to make this video!
Man, I'm surprised I'm not the only one who did the calendar thing. Whenever someone asked what the checkmarks and the x's meant, I just told 'em those were the good days and the bad days. Not many good days, not consecutive, anyhow. Only made it a week once, and that was through not listening to any "worldly" music and causing pain to myself at the slightest thought that didn't leave room for Jesus. I, too, have a high sex drive. 'Course, at the time, I just thought meant I was weak and likely to be a predator. At the time, my pastor would preach that any man who couldn't control his urge to masturbate would not control his urge around women. Led to some real bad ideas in that church. Glad I'm out, finally. That place is a like a pressure cooker, or a bomb about to go off. Can't have that many young men all in one place being taught such things and not expect some damage their. Hopefully, more young men like me find a way out, and find themselves. Learn all things that should be taught and reverse the things that they were taught.
I want to thank you for your candor on this topic (and on many others; I'm glad to have discovered your channel.). There were times I thought I was the only one struggling or that I was somehow intrinsically "not right" as a person. I did all the purity culture things; I was, sadly, a part of an abstinence-only education group at my Christian high school (that was a nightmare). I always felt like a hypocrite when I would have sexual drives, needs, and desires. I wrote in my journal about that struggle, and I tried to force myself to stop to the point that I began to self-harm as punishment. I already struggled with body image, and dealing with my desires under such a repressive system of belief only contributed further to that. I left the church at 19 (16 years ago), and to this day, I am deprogramming. It's taken so long to accept that part of myself and then to acknowledge my bisexuality (which didn't happen until 5 years ago, and I'm still not out to some of my family because sadly, religious trauma is only one part of the trauma I've experienced). Knowing that I can be free to desire has been the most liberating part of leaving the church for me. Thank you, again, for sharing your story, and for providing hope to those of us who keep working to deconstruct.
I can't believe how well you're describing my childhood & feelings about this topic right now. I always thought I just had an unusually high sex drive for a girl; I also thought whatever guy I end up marrying would be really lucky cause I'd have no problems with wanting to have sex all the time (I actually kind of worried that I'd end up with a higher sex drive than my future husband, even though we're told guys want sex all the time and girls shouldn't). I didn't do the whole stars, Xs, or crosses on the calendar, but I did try to keep track of how long I'd go without "sinning." The longest I've gone was several months, but of course I always eventually failed and when I did I'd feel guilt/shame & then give up trying for a while & "binge masturbate" for the next couple of weeks/months, then asked god for forgiveness & start the cycle all over again. I will say though, when you don't masturbate for a while, and then you finally do, I feel like the orgasms are more intense & much better. 😂 As for porn, I never watched it (unless you count the sex scenes from Game of Thrones, which I never got past watching season 1 as a Christian cause it was too much guilt) but I never watched actual porn cause of the way it's talked about/framed in Christianity, I thought I'd develop a porn addiction if I did, but after I left Christianity I finally did watch some porn and no surprise I prefer lesbian porn than straight porn, and it never became an addicting habit (I've actually only watched it a handful of times cause once I learned about ethical porn, I knew I should pay for it, but I don't want to invest in it at this time, maybe in the future). I had so much guilt & shame around masturbation as a Christian, if you would have told me I'd one day be open about my experiences/struggle with it & I'd be sharing that online, I would have laughed & said you're full of shit, yet here we are. Hopefully, by sharing this it will help someone else out there. You're definitely not alone and masturbation is NOT a sin. It's a healthy part of your sexuality that you deserve to explore.
This shouldn't be about shame or not shame, just it's matter of understanding that Because God wanted to protect us all from the worst consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain things, just for our well-being ❤️✨💯
@@Lichtgeschwindigkeit196 You should never eat sugar, either, if that is the case. In fact, you should never eat food. People can get addicted to food, eat way more than is in their own health interest, and even lose their relationships over it. Obviously, what you said tries to sound nice, but is complete nonsense.
@@josiahferrell5022 he’s actually not wrong in what he said. You actually proved his point without even realizing it. Food itself isn’t bad of course, but overindulgence is. Surely you’ve seen “my 600 lb life” where individuals have destroyed their lives because of their love of food. In the same way, underrating can be just as bad. Anorexia is a horrible condition and can be deadly and life ruining. Balance is key. Sex isn’t bad, but in certain situations (too much of it, with abusive people, when it threatens your relationship with your spouse (in the case of adultery) etc. it can be. In the same way, for many people, too little sex can destroy relationships. It’s all about balance. We shouldn’t avoid food or even sex, we just need to be careful about balance.
Just curious would you happen to be a squirter? The reason I ask is i have an unusual sex drive & thought I was alone...normal sex was not enough for me! I wanted 2 or 3 girls at the same time but it seemed the ones who squirted was more sexual & the ones who didn't know they could until I showed them became sex crazed! Which become another one of many fetishes of mine watching a woman get off. But the ones who are squirters seemed to be more into dp, dvp, etc. & open to trying new things... I would sometimes go weeks without thinking of nothing else & still battle it!
This is so relatable! Even as a guy, I was given the "Masturbation is a sin" lecture all the time. Even though I didn't listen all the time, I felt guilt and shame after each time. It was literally my guilty pleasure. It was especially devastating the first time I had sex before I married my soon to be wife. Thank you for your honesty and sharing this all too familiar story
I grew up in a family where the idea of censorship was keeping The Joy Of Sex on the highest shelf of the living room bookcase in the second row (all our shelves were double-rowed, we had more books than shelves). But the idea of discussing masturbation with anybody, let alone a stranger, would cause me such ultimate embarrassment that I would jump off a bridge. I masturbated all the time but I still craved sex with somebody else, so the hours spent trying to concentrate on Latin literature while battling horniness are an experience we share. I lost my virginity way later than I wanted to and didn’t have a steady boyfriend until I was in my thirties, so I was constantly miserable and sex-deprived. The minute I had a partner, my libido completely disappeared, which makes me just as sad and also pisses me off madly. Several relationships foundered on this. I am single, and I wish I was asexual or aromantic. I’m not, I just have a wandering libido that makes me think that I will not be able to ever have another relationship. Thank God for masturbation and pornography, is all I can say.
Christianity does not teach that having a high sex drive is a bad thing in itself though. It is only if we choose to dwell on these thoughts or act on them that it goes against God's will. Concerning masturbation, I would highly encourage everyone to research about the nofap movement because you will quickly find out that many unbelievers have chosen to let go of porn and masturbation because the benefits they experienced outweighed the sacrifice. This is just one wonderful example of how much God rewards obedience and wants the best for his children ❤️
@@arbretree5463 uhm, how can a high sex drive be a good thing and acting on it being a bad thing? And why? Who gets hurt? Christianity has at its core love and respect for others. This obsession over sexual desire is… very icky. Look, I have been on a diet. Denying yourself the satisfaction of a perfectly natural drive means precisely that you will become obsessed with it. Your body doesn’t get what it needs and starts asking for it more and more forcefully and urgently. Where does this perverse idea comes from that an omnipotent, omniscient and *benevolent* God who created us gave us a sex drive but frowns on us following it? Is this his idea of a joke? That is, of course, following the logic that there is a benevolent, omnipotent and omniscient God. Because otherwise, sex drive is what allowed us to be here as a species in the first place, for heaven’s sake.
@@annafdd I highly recommend you to look into the process of sexual transmutation (and the nofap movement). When you preserve your sexual energy through self-control and abstinence, the body will use this energy to improve other areas of your life. This is why, people who start going nofap experience a whole bunch of benefits, such as better sleep, increased focus, increased confidence, etc.
@@arbretree5463 When a person has absolutely no outlet for their sexual desires, they are going to build and build and build so how the heck is a person NOT supposed to “dwell” on those feelings??? The irony of that statement is quite obvious. Sexual tension without a healthy outlet is never a good idea as it inevitably cause way more problems than it solves. It makes no sense and it’s incredibly harmful to people who grow up in purity culture. It’s toxic as hell!
@@arbretree5463 That sounds like a personal choice which is great if you choose to do so, but we are talking specifically about how this type of indoctrination and withholding education about one’s body and sexuality while growing up is harmful and toxic. 2 totally different things.
Coming back to this video, I wonder if it was a kind of trick of your brain, that confessing the “sin” gave you strength to overcome the temptation. Rereading my last comment on this video, in which I share that this was also something I struggled with for years, but that finding your story lifted a weight from my shoulders, I realized something… There is so much power in a shared story - in listening to your story, I discovered that, no, I wasn’t the only person raised as a girl, who had a high sex drive, and also masturbated a lot (and also had religious guilt and shame over being unable to resist temptation). And in that way, you changed the way my brain contextualizes sex and masturbation (it’s part of self-care - one of those things that, like taking my meds, or meditating to calm my racing brain before bed, or brushing my teeth, is just part of the necessities to keep me functioning, calm, and happy), which has generally made me a happier person (Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for that. *hugs*) So, I wonder if confessing to this guest speaker did something similar in your brain, letting you realise that sharing that burden and having someone be encouraging in return, could make you move mountains (resisting masturbation for 3 years? Pretty huge mountain relocation 😉) Anyway, fuck purity culture! 💜💙💚 Sasha
I felt so seen by this. My diary around 13 was consumed with agony over the fact that I prayed and prayed and God never helped me "conquer my sin". Even the writing style of your diary sounds so similar to mine at that age. I have talked with my therapist some about all this, but I have never heard someone narrate the inner dialogue that I had. I also tried to "quit" through a points method and even downloaded an app that helps people quit smoking to "wean myself from my addiction". I am still unpacking the shame and self-hatred that I internalized as a teen. What finally "worked" for me was similar. I finally shared to a friend after hearing a sermon that said masturbation and pornography are "practicing the mentality of infidelity and lust that ends marriages". So I was terrified of "training myself" to cheat on my someday husband. I confessed all that to a friend and it worked. I thought it was the power of God, but i think it was just relieving that guilt and then the power of belief.
So that sermon ignores the fact that there are millions of marriages that exist where one or both partners masturbated and consumed pornography before marriage that remain intact, and it ignores all the married couples who consume pornography together, or where one or both still masturbate as marrieds, and remain together. Honestly, are we still blindly believing sermons? Where did this pastor do his research? What were his statistics? By the way, his (and I'm assuming him because this sounds like something a white male would preach) information is statistically incorrect. Statistically, sexual activity before marriage is a non factor in divorces.
I love the intro when you say, "one of my favorite subjects!" As a still believing christian, but who now believes very differently about this than I did at 14, SAME!
Thank you so much for including asexuality in this discussion and making clear that even among asexuals there are some differences. I am asexual and have a low libido but I still masturbate. Why? Completely practical reasons: It helps me fall asleep. I suffer from insomnia and one of the tactics that can help sometimes is masturbation. It's kinda similar to excercise or yoga before bed because it releases tension and helps me get my mind off things. I do think my masturbation/ porn use is a bit different from allosexual masturbation though. I'm usually not really focused on how attractive the people in it are (as long as I'm not grossed out by them). Rather I'm more focused on imagining the sensations that a certain act could produce. Funnily enough, animated porn conveys that better to me than actual porn lol
I went to a (non accredited) Christian ministry school. We also had the student ID swipe system. But halfway through the year, it broke. So the (abusive) leadership relied on a group of their most favored students to act as informants. So inwould always make sure to greet one of these people before I left to make sure they thought I'd attended the service
As an asexual aromantic, thank you for mentioning asexuality in this video. In Wally Lamb's novel I Know This Much is True, the protagonist's schizophrenic brother, Thomas, actually does cut his hand off. But he doesn't do it to take away the temptation to masturbate. He does it for a more worthy reason--to send a signal to the world about how it has succumbed to the sin of greed and is despoiling the environment. He does this at the public library, and of course it gets media attention.
I really appreciated your candor and openness here :) I haven't seen anyone else describe the experience of years struggling with this and the intense thought blocking and agony I went through so well. My faith was also pretty much consumed with avoiding sexual things since puberty. I had a very similar 'confession' experience when I was 19 or so and avoided masterbating for 6 months. All the thought blocking and some kind of personality splitting (like intense compartmentalization) that I had to do as a teenager to survive still affects me and I have only been able to orgasm with a partner a handful of times after 3 years of being sexually active. Growing up I thought there was something deeply wrong with me as a girl with a high sex drive and would go through nofap and porn addiction forums for men for advice lol. I deconverted about 4 years ago and not having the weight of that shame anymore has been so freeing :)
This shouldn't be about shame or not shame, just it's matter of understanding that Because God wanted to protect us all from the worst consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain things, just for our well-being ❤️✨💯
Christianity does not teach that having a high sex drive is a bad thing in itself though. It is only if we choose to dwell on these thoughts or act on them that it goes against God's will. Concerning masturbation, I would highly encourage everyone to research about sexual transmutation because you will quickly find out that many unbelievers have chosen to let go of porn and masturbation because the benefits they experienced outweighed the sacrifice. This is just one wonderful example of how much God rewards obedience and wants the best for his children ❤️
18:00 as someone who’s gone through this exact type of experience. I think it’s because the experience you had at chapel, and the sheer joy felt in being able to “conquer” an addiction - that high rivals the high of getting off to masturbating. Obv I’m not saying it’s the same but if you’re able to tie the act of resisting temptation to what is essentially pure serotonin through belief, it’s a lot more effective then shame. The more I learn and the more I further myself from the fundie upbringing I had, the more I find shame to be incredibly harmful and ineffective at bettering yourself. It’s good for entrapment and nothing more.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Its unbelievable that millions of people have to live in utter shame - for literally nothing but natural urges and expressions of erotic energy. We literally tortured ourselves into oblivion.
It is amazing how sexually dysfunctional you can become with those messages given in certain forms of Christianity. This is the first year where I could really talk openly to someone about my sexual needs and it be a healthy conversation. When you develop a healthy relationship with your own sexuality you also create healthy boundaries for yourself, respect the boundaries of others, and find that sexuality can be a very rewarding bonding experience.
Watching this video made me realize I basically went through the same thing. When I was a teenager I would read and watch anime and manga a LOT. There would often be scenes that include women being sexual in some aspect and I enjoyed it. But, as a Christian I felt so bad that I was looking at these things, and that I was more interested in the women than the men (I’m a lesbian). So I would promise myself not to read or watch anything like that. It would only work for a bit then I would watch/read something and feel terrible all over again. Nothing I looked at could be considered porn, but I felt I had an addiction to it. For some reason the ‘confessing to another person’ thing didn’t work for me, so this continued until I became an atheist. It really sucks because I would constantly cry over it every church service and when I prayed (like almost everyday). It was bad. I’m glad people like you are talking about this negative aspect of Christian culture, and how stupid it is!
Im very very grateful that my mother never made me feel ashamed to do that. She taught me it was normal and ok, my shame about it actually came from a book saying it made you dirty and ruined you, and she says that if she'd known that was in that book, she never would have let me read it (It was a book about your changing body and coming into being a woman and whatnot, it was for teen girls)
Thank you for your openness and bravery! Those people talk about God being love and in the same breath about God condemning you to eternal torture for the most natural of things. Since when has love anything to do with torture??? Not so long ago I watched a wonderful cartoon here on UA-cam in which God asks a Christian and a Muslim: "i don't know which is worse: that you thought that I'm a monster, or that you didn't know that you thought I'm a monster?" Being free of indoctrination I'm sure you too ask yourself some of the same questions that I've been asking myself a lot, such as: what kind of deity would call "sin" something that doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't damage anything as in complete harmony with our deepest nature?
Your channel is such a mirror to how I grew up. Sometimes its hard to listen to because it brings up a lot of emotion that is buried but it's always soooo healing. This is still an issue for me and something I'm working through. I never even know the parts of my body or anything.
I posted this above. If it helps. I'm not pushing an agenda. Sex drive is important. Among other things, we evolved to reproduce. Millions of years ago, most humans didn't make it very far along. Females needed to be giving birth as soon as they were physically able to, and as big mammals, we reproduce slowly. Sex drive is in our DNA and is absolutely natural and would have been imperative. Being made to feel guilt over it is something passed along through chains in cultural beliefs and are based in supernatural fears. (Theism's) Watch Bonobo's and you'll know where we come from. We need to understand our drives fully in order to manage a humanity. Not ignore the issues and further stigmatize what is natural for us. Christianity allows a place for denial and prevents us from seeing the real issue as a culture. We can't be like our past anymore. It hurts. And the understanding of nature, needs to be complete. We can't manage what we refuse to see. Ignorance is bliss. But it eventually hurts others.
My breakup point of my faith was when i realized masturbation isn't a sin. During my 7 months walking with Christ I had 3-4 nocturnal emmisions something which raised the flag. What else have we been told that is a sin when actually it is not?
Casual spontaneous erections, and nocturnal emissions are normal body functions. My son would get daily erections as an infant! It's a way of the body saying "testing, testing is this thing on?".
@@2degucitas I remember when I was having a conversation with some friends once and mentioned that infants get erections, and they were shocked! It was a group of mainly women and they thought erections didn't happen until much later in development. I was like, "Uh, boys get erections, like, literally all the time at every age..." I found it so strange that they were taught that.
Elly!! Thank you so much for making this video, I related to it so much and it makes me very sad for past me. When you started talking about the calendar, my JAW DROPPED because I used to do the same thing. I somehow came to the healthy conclusion (far too late, but still) that all this was just a part of how my body worked, and it was just something my body needed. Thank you as always for sharing 💖
yeah, how dare they try to hold people accountable for their actions. How dare they be held to a higher standard. Let's just act like animals and f--k whatever we see
First I just want to say how grateful I am that I found your channel. It's really nice to see someone post videos and talk about things in a way that I relate to so deeply. I also wanted to guess that maybe since you were finally able to talk about your "struggle" with masterbation out loud to someone and, while they didn't tell you it was okay it was almost like they were telling you it was normal. You didn't have to feel isolated in your feelings anymore. At least that's my guess. Anyways thanks again for your content. ❤️
I'm so glad you are enjoying the videos! :) I think you might be right. I do remember feeling surprised and relieved that she didn't have a look of disgust on her face. Great guess, thanks for sharing!
I mean . . . same. The ticks on the calendar and everything. Goal setting, rewards for so many days. I even recorded a motivational cassette tape for myself reminding me of why I shouldn't. I lived in terror that some say someone would come across that tape. I still kind of do.
Ok here’s my guess as to why that confession worked. You’re first instincts are always to protect others. If you had masturbated you would have made the woman a liar, “a sinner”. Once someone else was involved you couldn’t do it again because, although you did fear for yourself, the thought of “endangering” someone else was worse.
When my ex spouse denied me sex except for the 2x a year, he said I was cheating on him when I got a small vibrator. We were virgins when we married but he never got over sex was bad. I did.
I was a Christian, but my parents told me it was normal and to just make sure it was for private time, and they were against pornography. There’s such a huge difference between mainstream Christianity plugged into historical theology and fundamentalist Christianity based on renegade churches under no oversight with unique theology invented in the last 100 years and unique to America. I was also told not to idolize the Bible above God like the fundamentalists. It was literature to be interpreted appropriately for what it was and not always to be taken literally. Even if you wouldn’t have stayed, I’m sad you didn’t get to experience healthy religion.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. Although you were taught this, the Bible actually has a high view of the body. Who created it? God! I really hope that you get together with a group healthy well rounded Christian believers in a healthy well balanced fellowship.
I related SO MUCH to this video, thank you so much, it really gave me a very good foundation to start healing all of the issues I developed because of purity culture.
Totally respect your videos and the encouragement you give to others in the same situation. I grew up in a similar situation and it messed me up for years. It was when I left the chuch (but kept my faith) that I could be freed from the chains that they put on people.
I too grew up sex-repressed as a result of religion. Needless to say, as a demi-male with a fairly high libido my personal life has been pure hell... I wish we knew about such things then, I hope your testimony can help others growing up not to have to be broken by the abusiveness of "purity culture", etc!
I'm recalling how I felt after every time I made myself feel good. Every single time!!! It was a horrible to feel that way. Having bipolar with anxiety I can't even recall how many times I've been prayed over. They laid hands on me and they prayed in tongues even. What happened? Nothing!!! Why wouldn't God heal me? When I walked into church l felt like I always had to put on a false front.
OK so one of my friends from school was asexual and aromantic, and he was a Mormon kid. So he grew up in purity culture, and his parents shamed him and made fun of him when he told them he didn't want to date ANYONE. He pretended to date me for 5 months to avoid them shaming him, and it worked, but it also sucked, because he didn't like needing to hug me and hold my hand around them ( or the idea of kissing because he didn't like it anyways, and his parents banned kissing until his future wedding. Also, we wanted to go to our school dance for fun as friends, but he was not allowed to attend because "The sinning homos will go with their partners and convert their pure son to the lifestyle" so I went alone. Anyways, we haven't talked for 2 years, but that was a fun time...
I also spent many years trying to conform to my Christian upbringing and not masturbate. My Christian mother had all sorts of horror stories to tell me which caused me self-loathing. Eventually I too escaped from the mind trap of Christianity. I feel I am a good person, I try to help others and give money to groups that care about animals and the environment. Oh, and I masturbate about twice a week. It feels so good not to feel guilty.
Hi Elly! I very much appreciate your honest sharing of your experience, with which I recognize a lot. I became a christian in the mid 80s and became a member of a church within the faith movement. The first period was wonderful and I really experienced the joy in God. It was preached that sex is only allowed within the marriage. And I had no problem with that. I actually got an unspeakeable joy in my heart about abstaining from sex with a woman until I get married. But I still had a sexual drive, which I satisfied myself. In the beginning I wondered about whether it's wrong or not because I have read some paper from Jehowa's witnesses who claimed it's self defile. As time went on I participated in meetings where the preacher in the end of the meeting invited people to "be delivered from masturbation". Some preachers acted like it was their God given task to deliver people from masturbation. Especially at youth meetings this was common because it was believed that unclean spirits was especially active on youths when they get into the puberty. But there was never presented a true biblical support for that it's sin. And people were never asked if they want to be "free". I became more and more condemned because I was not delivered despite prayers. In fact I was never convinced about that it would be sin. But many preachers said it was, and I was teached that I must not question the spiritual leaders. They were more spiritual and had a closer relation to God than the mainstream of "normal" believers. So who am I to question them? The time went on and I fell in strong condemnation, which resulted in serious depressions. The joy I earlier had about waiting for sex with a future wife got totally lost. I became sexually frustrated and my sexual desire became stronger than ever before. I ended up as a sex addict. I had never earlier been much interested in pornography but my sexually frustration led me into it. Since many years I have abandoned the church. But I still have a christian faith. You are completely right that the purity culture is about control. Much is possible with mass psychosis. You can feel good to be "delievered" from something you are deceived to believe is wrong. Millions of christians are deceived slaves in religious controll systems. A lot of christians are fools who follow leaders instead of their own conscience. And the control is not limited to unmarried persons touching on themselves. People even ask pastors about if they are allowed to have oralsex within the marriage! So utterly stupid. What we do in the privacy is no pastor's business! Consequently I have experience of what religious condemnation of the sexual drive can result in. It results in the opposite to what it's claimed to result in. It's important to know what the bible says. And what it does not say. Masturbation is nowhere prohibited in the bible. Therefore the claim that it is sin, is a human bid and people's religious opinion. And we have no obligation to other's opinion. I am glad you found freedom from opressive religious rules!
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I think the reason it worked was positive affirmation. Positive rewards (such as that speaker commending you and basically being in a similar position as a therapist) gave you more of a motivational rush than (self-)punishment and fear. Also, I think it’s amazing that you speak of this and share your story. Sex drive in women is not often talked about, and the point of view of someone who’s been raised in a fundamentalist society is practically unheard of. Thank you for sharing this!
OMG I've never heard anyone talk about the intense devastation post-orgasm. Watching this is making me cry because I feel so seen. I wasn't fully able to enjoy self-pleasure until my late-20s and I'm still so bitter that so many years of healthy pleasure were stolen from me. The binary gender roles of christianity also hurt me as a trans woman because as a side effect of AFAB people being raised with the idea that they should basically have no sex drive before marriage, it gave me gender dysphoria really intensely, because my high sex drive was "proof" that I was actually a man. I still struggle with this sometimes. It's interesting too concerning porn, because even though I did look at it, the vast majority of it was just like glamour or nude photography/videos, much of it actresses I had crushes on, but my dad yelled at me so severely, he acted like he caught me having CP or something terrible. It warped my perception of myself for like 15 years and made me feel "perverted."
I am asexual, but still with a small level sex drive. I grew up in a household where we did not talk or even think about sex, I didnt know what masturbation or sexual energy were until I was at least 15, and even though I heard the terms in church my parents refused to tell me anything, which lead to me going on an incredibly dangerous path throughout the internet trying to find an answer. My brother knew more about female pleasure than I did, and that was only because of porn. So I had to go through most of high school without an explanation or answer as to why my body was feeling the way it did. And when I did finally figure it out and do it? I felt so ashamed I wanted to sob to my parents of my sin. I got more lucky than most people though, I did more reasearch instead of immediately going to my parents and I learned for myself that I was in fact not going to hell for letting my body have a release. So to all those other teens who had the same experience as me, theres no shame or guilt in doing this, and if your feeling this way theres probably something more at hand going on. Also asexual people can masturbate, have sex, and enjoy both while still being asexual, and while personally I will never have sex, its perfectly ok for you as long as its consensual and healthy for all parties involved
You are so well spoken. My grandchildren are fundys and as I am not, you are giving me insight into their world. Thank you. Should be a movie about you.
I totally scoff at these moralists who are shocked and outraged at teenage sexuality. It’s a part of the natural order. Like way back when, people only lived to 35 or 40 years. Hence, you only had so much time in this life to procreate.
Unfortunately being someone who still is in the IFB I support you. When I was single I masturbated a lot because that was how I felt I could control myself. I don’t think these people understand that God allows Liberties to keep our bodies in subjection. I recently stopped because it was taking all of my energy away from my wife and I.
In my experience, I've had "revival" moments where I heard someone whose opinion I valued speak on a topic and I felt very "moved" by it. In my case it was self-harm and other things related to my depression that I was repenting from, not masturbation. I think you're right about the power of belief, but I don't think that's all of it. I think it's because I finally had a biblically endorsed reason not to feel guilty for once. I was getting fed this ideology that I was broken and sinful and terrible, and I knew in the back of my mind that hurting myself physically (and in your case marking the calendar) was something I used to remind myself that I should be hating myself. When someone who "hears God's voice" tells you, "You don't need to feel bad anymore because you've been magically freed just now" it brings a great sense of relief that motivates you to abstain from the thing that gives your brain dopamine.
This is why people in the, days that the Bible was written, got married when they hit puberty. Now, you have to go through puberty staying pure (as a Christian, or whatever your religion is) and it is VERY difficult. Thank you for not inflicting self harm. You are beautiful and it would be very sad if you had to maim yourself.
This is heartbreaking to think about. Sadly i have no idea how to help people in this situation - as a man in my 40s, i don't think it's appropriate for me to address sexual topics with young people. Also i am not a believer and don't pretend to be. I just hope as many as possible find their way to acceptance of their own natural being. And maybe videos like this one can help them get there.
Are you sure your sex drive was high and not just normal? Maybe you were brainwashed into thinking it was. I am catholic and was taught that masturbation was a sin that I'd go to hell for it. Ect. I thought I was hypersexual but maybe we're just normal there's a lot of sexism out there even churches that tells girls they aren't sexual visual ect.
I heard many times it was hinted at- never actually explained or talked about- that women don't have "those feelings" and we were responsible for causing "brethren to stumble" so it was our duty to dress modestly and it kinda was just implied from there. I remember crying thinking "I think I'm a man" alone all the time. Not because I was experiencing gender dysphoria but simply because I was experiencing sexual desire but I was also incessantly abused emotionally,verbally and mentally by those around me that were supposed to teach,build me up and nurture me. I was extremely isolated as a child, so my world was small and I figured if everyone at home and in my small world of really only leaving the house to go to church (homeschooled) thought I was just stupid and bad and couldn't do anything right and ugly, that I was. And that everyone would always see me as those things... And I used to get so sad. I would burn inside. I desperately wanted love and attention and validation but I couldn't and can't even still give myself those things. So I still struggle with deep seated shame. Like if I'm with a partner and they finish, I get really quiet and feel like I can't tell them/ask them to help me finish and I get deeply sad inside and I know it's not their fault, I just feel gross or unworthy or that there is something wrong or selfish about me for needing things too. I'm 28. My world has still stayed very small and I guess I feel like masturbating makes me feel lonely and gross so I feel like if I don't have a partner helping me then I'm ashamed. I know it's not logical obviously or I wouldn't be talking about it here, but it's just a deep aching sad feeling I can't shake that's been engrained in me from the religious trauma. It's been a huge source of stolen joy from me and self loathing. I don't know how to break it.
Hi! Def late to the party but i wanted to give you some thoughts on this. i grew up a christian and bisexual as well. what helped me accept my bisexuality as a young teen was researching about homosexuality in other animals. i found through research how normal homosexuality was in the wild. that almost all animals partake in homosexual acts. that helped me a bit, knowing that this was a natural phenomenon that wasn’t exclusive to humans. another thing that helped was researching about what makes someone gay. i found that homosexuality was something that you were born with and can be explained through your genes. knowing that my identity as a bisexual person wasn’t unnatural is what got me through my early teen years. don’t know if this helped but those are my thoughts! bisexuality is beautiful and should be something to be proud of and cherished. wishing the best for you in your journey!
Why couldn’t the Bible writers just call non consensual sex a sin and be done with it instead of making people feel ashamed? If it feels good and doesn’t hurt another human being, do it.
Honestly, I agree the power of belief probably played a role. I also think shame along with fixating on it and making it such a big thing can make it worse. In my experience, the more weight I threw on my libido the worse it was.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I was anxious to hear your story because as a sex repulsed asexual who doesn't like masturbation I find it very hard to relate, so I wanted to hear your story so I can understand people better.
I was so worried as a teen that I would go to the doctors office and they'd ask me if I was sexually active, and even though I only m@sturbated I would be unsure what to say. In my mind that was obviously sexual activity, but could I break through my shame to say it?
I feel so sorry for younger you, thank you for sharing your story, in this video and so many others. A lot this goes on my "How NOT to raise children" list. I'm a Christian but grew up atheist, becoming a Christian has meant many changes but I don't see any anti-masturbation message in the Bible, I wonder did you know there were liberal Christians who did not share your conviction? How did you react to them?
one of the things that makes me the angriest about the stigma against porn and sex work in general is that people will still watch porn they just won't watch ethical porn. because if ALL porn is immoral, why does it matter? a lot of (cis men) porn consumers feel like they're entitled to free porn because a. they don't think sex workers deserve to be paid for their labor and b. they might get caught if they use a credit card on a porn website. anyway purity culture sucks and is so harmful to everyone
I grew up not only hiding my sexual desires but also my hobbies of writing and drawing things I thought were "dirty". I still write/draw erotica but it's kind of funny to look back on what I thought was so dirty as a kid and felt so, so ashamed of. XD It really was very tame.
Thank you for your lovely enlightenment. I have a few supportive thots to add. Firstly pleasuring our sexual parts is truly a natural and healthy behavior. I’d rather not call it “to defile by hand”, Lastly the “hard sayings”, Are better perceived in the light of the language and culture he spoke in. As in the parables, idioms, And metaphors he used such as “tear this temple down and in three days I will rebuild it again”, those literalists hearing him failed to “hear”, that he was talking of his being born to rise again. So in many ways a saying such as “if your hand offend you, or your eye”, also does so… See what it means if you have the habit of stealing then just stop it. Cut it. Stop the wrongdoing, not to harm your self. That is the Aramaic language perspective. My dear lovely woman I suggest that, “he who began a good work in you will continue it till the “day of the lord.” But then I also accept as true the, “general inclusion of all souls.” I’m sad you suffered the literalism of the western rite churches. I’m an Archbishop in the church of the East based on the travels of apostle Thomas to South India. Here in America priests, bishops are marriageable. And we certainly do embrace LGBT and all forms of human diversity. In clergy-women and same gender marriage. Blessed be your share. Archbishop Joseph Eaton Th.D., D.D.
Porn, sex, and masturbation addiction does exist, but like. it only constitutes an addiction if its having a severe negative impact on your life (like, hindering your ability to function in your day to day life.)
" sex is DIRTY, disgusting and a sin....so save it for the one you really love!" Sort of a mixed message from an early age. No wonder some people are confused.
Wow, that Daily Show video made me understand the alt right so much more! NO WONDER they're so angry!!! Kudos to you for all that you have done to become the person you are!
Thank you for this video! Side note: At my xtian college we called it “scan & scram”! Slide and glide is great! it’s so funny but also makes so much sense that there’s multiple unique term for that at different religious schools! I went from refusing to skip chapel my freshmen year (even though we had a certain amount we could skip) & self-righteously judging ppl in the balcony who would be sleeping, on their phone, or working on assignments to my senior year scanning & scramming almost every chapel unless it was a professor speaking I especially loved. And I was an RA! Luckily I only got yelled at once but they didn’t report me. I could have lost my job & housing. Even with my scanning I ended up accidentally not reaching the minimum I was supposed too They would have kept me from graduating unless I watched the chapel archives and wrote a paper on each to make up the amount I was under by. Thank goodness I didn’t have to make up the whole number I actually wasn’t present for!
After listening to ms Elly, really proud of my Hindu culture in which human sexuality is not taboo…. But missionaries here are hell bent on undermining this culture.
I am a Biromantic Asexual (well there is a possible psychological cause but I don't want to go into that every time lol) and my partner is...also bi (lmao) but not ace (I'm in the "sex is fine, but don't touch me" camp). I didn't grow up in fundie (we were agnostic/atheist/cultural christians) circles and ironically...I felt the opposite pressure. I felt weird that I had no interest in M*st*b*ti*n or sex. Kissing and cuddling, yes, the rest, no. It was weird to me. I tried to force myself to be interested, and it never worked. It's fascinating to see other people with the other issue.
I wonder how many good little Christian girls think they have "a higher than normal sex drive", who in actuality have what is just an average, healthy sex drive. In this community, we're taught that men have high sex drives, and that is just something we'll have to cope with. This has influenced what we think if as "normal and average".
I grew up like this as well. Now, I think all of these things are normal and a part of growing up.
women and men these days have "higher than normal" sex drives because they're bombarded from birth with sexually explicit imagery
I was told by my parents sex is evil and I don't see why god would make you wired to be evil with sex. So I refused to see it as a sin.
I heard many times it was hinted at- never actually explained or talked about- that women don't have "those feelings" and we were responsible for causing "brethren to stumble" so it was our duty to dress modestly and it kinda was just implied from there. I remember crying thinking "I think I'm a man" alone all the time. Not because I was experiencing gender dysphoria but simply because I was experiencing sexual desire but I was also incessantly abused emotionally,verbally and mentally by those around me that were supposed to teach,build me up and nurture me. I was extremely isolated as a child, so my world was small and I figured if everyone at home and in my small world of really only leaving the house to go to church (homeschooled) thought I was just stupid and bad and couldn't do anything right and ugly, that I was. And that everyone would always see me as those things... And I used to get so sad. I would burn inside. I desperately wanted love and attention and validation but I couldn't and can't even still give myself those things. So I still struggle with deep seated shame. Like if I'm with a partner and they finish, I get really quiet and feel like I can't tell them/ask them to help me finish and I get deeply sad inside and I know it's not their fault, I just feel gross or unworthy or that there is something wrong or selfish about me for needing things too. I'm 28. My world has still stayed very small and I guess I feel like masturbating makes me feel lonely and gross so I feel like if I don't have a partner helping me then I'm ashamed. I know it's not logical obviously or I wouldn't be talking about it here, but it's just a deep aching sad feeling I can't shake that's been engrained in me from the religious trauma. It's been a huge source of stolen joy from me and self loathing. I don't know how to break it.
I think its a total misnomer that a Christian girl is supposed to have a low sex drive. Read, Song Of Songs in the Old Testament. It's all about sexual desire. This girl was poorly taught imho. No wonder she rebelled.
I remember being at a swimming pool with my fundie best friend, she got her period and I gave her a tampon so that she could still swim. She asked me, at seventeen, “how do I find the hole”, and this is a huge danger of purity culture. Imagine all the medical issues she was possibly missing, or the way she must have been wiping to avoid touching “too much”. It made me so sad for her, to think of how divorced she was from her own body.
That is horrible 😿 Do you know how she's doing now?
I literally had the same moment at my friends house, except I was the one who couldn't use a tampon. Purity culture has completely fucked me over both mentally and physically
@@idork7302 And how are you doing now?
@@andres1xy I'm healing for the most part, still some shit I have to learn, but I can use a tampon now! I was so happy when that happened I cried😅 but it's getting better
@@idork7302I hear you. Please rethink the expletives. It's not a good look.
Glad I'm not the only who who thought about chopping my hand off lol. That fact that more than one child (and I'm sure we're not the only ones) thought about doing an act of self-harm that extreme because it was metaphorically endorsed in the Bible is pretty sickening to me now. It just shows how deep the trauma of purity culture can get into your psyche.
Oh wow, I'm so sorry you had that thought too! But thank you for sharing- I definitely thought I was alone in that haha. I totally agree with you- it is so sickening!!
Or not thinking to cut your hand but your penis. I tought about that.
Struggled with this as well!
Struggled with this too it actually started a bad SH habit at a young age as a punishment for the desires I had
@@lulubellpop13 Sorry to hear. I hope you're doing better now.
Being bisexual, with a high sex drive, and trying to be "pure" drove me into a totally hypersexual teenage hood. If I had been told that having sexual feelings was normal, how to recognize when things weren't quiet right down there or with other partners, what is normal, what isn't. But that was ALL so taboo when I was growing up.
I found out about all the ugly, gross, and good stuff about sex through hooking up with random people on tinder, which I would not reccomend.
And me through porn another thing I wouldn't recommend either.
same 💀
What would you recommend to stay safe out there??
I had the same issue. I am not only bisexual but hyper sexual more than most ppl and I'm a Christian. It's rough. I was told it was evil and I was a pervert and defective. But I don't think god makes mistakes and he wanted me to be like this for some reason.
We all have desires! I've always felt as if no one wanted it more than me! It got to be where I would try more extreme things like 3 girls at once, fetishes like making them squirt etc. I would waste a whole day or 2 only on my sexual desires I still battle it every day!
Oh wow, I was not expecting asexuality to be included in this! I'm asexual and was raised in a conservative christian environment that of course valued purity. At first I wondered why everyone seemed to have trouble staying "pure" when it was so easy (for me) to not even date or kiss anyone. Later I assumed it must be one of my strengths as a christian. Purity culture still harmed me, though. When I had a crush on someone at 12, I thought that meant I might marry them, since I was taught that if you like someone you should date them and you should only date with marriage as the goal. Marriage meant sex, so I panicked about that for a while (I'm the sex repulsed kind of asexual). It taught me to judge people for not being pure enough too. I also um have a nonzero l*b*do so there was and is shame surrounding that too.
This comment totally spoke my mind. I had a huge superiority complex from 12-14 because I didn’t get crushes or feel any sexual urges, and I saw everyone else as being weak minded. This was in turn praised & reinforced by my youth leaders. I saw sex for any reason other than reproduction as inherently sinful, even WITHIN marriage because I didn’t believe something would stop being a sin just because there was some arbitrary new title associated with it, since that’s how it was with any other sin. Naturally, this also made me really homophobic as well (kinda funny now that I identify as biromantic & nonbinary).
The year after when I was 15 I became agnostic (and later atheist), and it’s been 7 years since then. Even so, I still have a hard time ridding myself of these purity culture ideas. Even the idea of talking about m@sturb@tion still makes me cringe.
Here’s to both of our success! I wish you luck my guy
I've had the same exact experience
this. when you're ace and you just thinking you're being a great Christian kid who is stronger in their faith and therefore power to resist.
Thank you for noting that you’re a sex repulsed asexual, a lot of people assume that all of us are. I enjoy sex but identify as asexual because of my lack of sexual attraction, at first I thought I was pan because I feel no sexual desire for any gender, but I realised that I like the feeling and am not interested in the people. It’s a very weird thing to experience because porn does nothing for me, and my partners have had trouble understanding me.
I hope you don't mind me asking...what is meant by asexual but also "nonzero l*b*do" and also "sex repulsed" :) thank you, I'd really like to understand better. I was also raised in a strict Christian home with lots of sexual shaming.
You are such a legend for confessing this so publicly. Sex is a big deal for humans (Well, all life basically) as it is a central mechanic for our survival as a species. To suppress that drive would be almost as bad as suppressing the urge to go to the toilet... or eat. Good on you!
Ever heard of the concept/power of sexual transmutation?
It makes me sad that we as a woman are not educated on how to love ourselves but are told from a young age to stay away from this type of things.
Yes, me too!!
This shouldn't be about shame or not shame, just it's matter of understanding that Because God wanted to protect us all from the worst
consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to
sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the
family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves
us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain
things, just for our well-being ❤️✨💯
@@Lichtgeschwindigkeit196 Y’know how you don’t teach that? Abstinence only. People NEED a proper sex education in order to be informed and make good choices. They are safest when they understand that sex is okay, they just need to use protection unless all parties have been tested and confirmed to not have STDs. That’s why the teen pregnancy rate is so much higher in the south- they reject this and favor guilting people for their desires.
It is NOT for you, schools, the government, or a god that we can’t prove even exists to decide what people do with their own bodies.
Hi...!
What a marvelous talk and testimony!
I am starting a UA-cam channel called.. "christianSEXdaddy". We are all called to be mommies and daddies to one another..
And are experience of arousal and pleasure..
And the SHARING of our arousal and pleasure experiences SHOULD NOT BE SO HIDDEN...!
It is a special and wonderful family reality...!!
So glad to find you. Much respect! I am making likes and subscription... AND I AM SHARING YOU WITH OTHERS..!
Pleez Send me good energy for the development of this Christian sex daddy channel.
@@Lichtgeschwindigkeit196 Hi. You missed it! Go back and really study what she carefully said here and make some more/new effort to reconsider!
Something that has always disturbed me about Fundamentalist cults is the “0 to 60” aspect of sexuality. Before marriage, there can be no masturbation, no experimentation, or even kissing in some circles. But on your wedding night, you are expected to consummate your marriage and fulfill your duty as a spouse. I didn’t grow up fundamentalist - but I can’t imagine being a young person - forced to be so disconnected from your own sexuality and body - and then, on your wedding night, be fully ready to have lots of sex. In the Gloriavale cult, young married people are wedded, IMMEDIATELY go off to consummate the marriage, and then come back for the reception 😳 Exploring sexuality - with yourself and others - TAKES TIME ⏰ Great video - there are people who need to hear about your journey 💜
Yes! This is so damaging! It keeps the person from enjoying sex at all once you’re married.
I've heard it can be quite disappointing, and men can have issues with premature ejaculation, and women can have frigidity issues.
You might as well be describing my childhood. I never realized how toxic my upbringing was until recently. You described things I'd never told another living soul. I'm now in therapy trying to deprogram this horrible purity culture so I can actually truly enjoy sex, because the church broke that part of me.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this, too. I wish you all the best in your therapy deprogramming!
I wonder if you'd be comfortable in giving a small status update on how your therapy has helped you? If not then I hope it's going, or gone, well and that you're in a healthier headspace!
Nice pfp
@@ExFundieDiaries You should have studied more as I see no place where masturbation is sinful unless one lusts after another , other than a committed partner for life. Masturbating without lusting is not sinful unless someone can show me,as i have never seen such and we are not to add or subtract from what God thru the bible tells us.thanks
@@joman388 I think she’s “studied” that nonsense enough and I’m glad she is an atheist now. She’s A LOT better off.
Christian fundamentalism operates on two totally opposite extremes. On one extreme, they idolize marriage, family, and children, and put pressure on singles in church to get married. On the other extreme, dating couples are not allowed to ride in the same car or spend time together alone. Another extreme is when a single man or woman engages in a conversation with another single who is a member of the opposite sex, that’s when people in the church will start to get suspicious and gossip about them as if they are dating even though they are just friends. Imho, Christian fundamentalism is a sub-culture that exists within our modern day society.
how are those opposite extremes? Dating and marriage are two different things. Sex while dating is fornication that sends you to hell. Sex while married is holy and blessed by God
@@shaunsteele8244 the only difference is a contract.
Fundamentalist lol.
This society is fundamentalist today. People are lonely, have no kids, can operate little childrens body if they feel like the opposite gender, have sex every week with different people.
Thats sick.
To be for the most natural nuclear family, be loyal for one person rest of you life, build stability is now fundamentalist lmao
Although I have issues with how sex is talked about to men in church culture, I'm glad they at least have someone and people to talk to about their sexual drives. Women get no one, we only get told how to not tempt men.... not that we actually have sex drives too - I just assumed it wasn't going to come up until I fell in love one day. Boy was I wrong.
You’re absolutely right. There’s literally no space for women to talk about being at all sexual bc the moment you bring it up, you’re labeled as a sexual deviant, lustful, etc.
And good LORD the whole “men are visual creatures thing” never made sense to me. Like I’m a woman and I can get turned on by a collarbone so idk what to tell you.
@@blep9569 ain't that the truth!
it's called self control... try it sometime
@@shaunsteele8244 lol
@@shaunsteele8244 Lol your profile says there are 24 comments you made on this channel…You should exercise some self control not to be so obsessed with harassing others with different opinions.
Ace here! Love your videos. Thanks for the shoutout and for everything you do!!
Absolutely, I'm so glad you love the videos! Thanks for watching :)
@@ExFundieDiaries regardless of Bible says it your body your choice and your mental and physically and sexual health
My guess is you had a normal drive. Sexual repression is one of the most abusive areas of religion in my opinion.
God wanted to protect us all from the worst
consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to
sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the
family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves
us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain
things, just for our well-being✨❤️💯
And of course there's a difference between sexual repression and just sexual guidelines
@@Lichtgeschwindigkeit196 Naw dawg. God's not real.
same, beliefs like this is what landed me in an outpatient psychiatric unit over my mom's fanatical obsession with my purity.
Sexual repression is powerful Tool to rule all others, religions use this to obtain and hold their power,….today we have the Internet, what works fantastic too….
Gosh I just love how open you talk about this! It actually accomplishes that I don’t feel awkward either, you just treat it so naturally. This honestly is eye opening.
Puberty is hard enough without the messed up mind games of purity culture. I'm glad you seem to have come to terms with your experiences. You seem well balanced. You do you.
I did the calendar thing!! For the same reasons. I’m a guy and I was taught by my parents that masterbation was the same as homosexuality “since you are loving yourself” every time I succumbed I would feel extreme guilt and beg god to forgive me. Been an atheist for 10+ years and it’s taken a long time for those feelings of guilt to go away.
It makes me angry to think of the pain and self-hate caused by the false God-hates-sexual-appetite zealots. There is NO mention of masturbation in the Bible. We can no more deny our sexual appetite than our appetite for food. Wouldn't it be a very cruel God to make a demanding undeniable sexual appetite that must always be resisted? Masturbation is our relief valve. You are brave to make this video.
What about wet dreams as a relief valve? I'm confused now cause in church they're saying it's a sin but not a word about it in 5je Bible only this: "If your right arm causes you to sin, cut it out" what's that for? Isn't that for masturbation?
I really, really appreciate your frankness and willingness to get so personal with this. I was also raised fundie and had similar experiences. You took the words right out of my mouth when you said that you felt like a freak for being a girl with sexual desires. I was always taught that women didn't desire sex. If a woman has sex, she's either been coerced, or if she actually wants it, it's because of love/romance - never pure sexual pleasure. I grew up thinking something was very wrong with me. I'm so glad that you and I both are now free from that toxic theology!
Christianity does not teach that having a high sex drive is a bad thing in itself though. It is only if we choose to dwell on these thoughts or act on them that it goes against God's will. Concerning masturbation, I would highly encourage everyone to research about the nofap movement because you will quickly find out that many unbelievers have chosen to let go of porn and masturbation because the benefits they experienced outweighed the sacrifice. This is just one wonderful example of how much God rewards obedience and wants the best for his children ❤️
@@arbretree5463 First of all, God is a genocidal maniac and in no position to pass moral judgment on Hitler, let alone the rest of us. Second, nofap is ridiculous and stupid. Masturbation has health benefits.
@@carmensavu5122 God is the giver of life so he is the only one who can also rightfully take it back from people. Have you ever looked into the concept of "sex transmutation"?
This is what I needed to hear when I was a teenager. I'm an atheist now, and I can't believe that this was thought to be normal. Thanks for talking about this and bringing it to light for someone who's trapped in their faith.
These videos pertaining to sex and purity culture are helping me process the past so much. You make me feel normal and like I’ve done the right thing for myself by leaving my faith. Thank you for being so vulnerable so we can learn and relate!!
Ugh, that cycle you mentioned. That brought back a lot of things I'd forgotten about. I was the same age when I experienced that cycle. The only difference is that I never had a "come to Jesus" moment like yours. I just sat there in church services or the chapel services at my school feeling like an unforgivable monster and wondering how much more shameful it'd feel when I got to the Judgment Seat of Christ in the afterlife and he recounted each and every time I'd touched myself. When I eventually found out how normal those urges and the responses to those urges were, that became a huge factor in my ultimate departure from the faith. I was both angry and relieved at the same time. Great video, Elly.
Ever heard of the concept of sexual transmutation and the insane benefits of exercising self-control as opposed to giving in to masturbation or lust?
I think that preacher was right about shame and confession. I'm not a Christian either, but I do think that it is much easier to overcome something upsetting you if you tell someone what you are going through. And shame often does the opposite - being ashamed of a behavior makes it harder to avoid that behavior. These ideas are a big part of 12 step programs for addiction, for example, both confessing to the group and letting go of shame by recognizing how your failings are shared by so many.
I know EXACTLY that post-mastubation thought loop you're talking about. Same age as you, left the church around age 17. And still sometimes feel that fucking shame. I've been unpacking my religious trauma for over a decade and STILL sometimes feel like this. So fucked up.
Seems pretty accurate, and I am a guy. Also stopped going to church at age 17.
that "shame" is conviction from the Holy Spirit... and you should thank God you still feel it because that means you still have a chance to avoid hell
I became a Christian later on in life. But do not see sex and pleasure as sin.
@@shaunsteele8244 If what you say is true, then all cultures should experience the same shame for the same things, but they don't. Either you are wrong, or for your statement to be true other cultures must have been given different morality that God sees as equally legitimate even if they are contradictory. The more likely answer is that shame is a psychological byproduct of the way you are raised and your social group.
@@kindredspirit9703 they don't because some cultures honor God and some don't
I was AMAB, only recently accepting myself as a transwomen, although I had a very similar situation growing up, my evangelical upbringing in Canada was slightly different, my Dad seemed to hold everyone else above myself and seemed to never care about me after I was 7 in terms of believing me when the other kids would tell their tales with me as the bad person, so the strictness was always directed towards me even as an AMAB indivual, I always felt shame when I would... Deal with my thoughts, although when I was being a "Good Christian Male" by not dealing with my issue I'd have a very large internal... Impurity, and unfortunately it would come off with me being extremely creepy around the girls within the house. And I'm so sorry for all those I annoyed and was being so creepy towards.
Yo dawg, I grew up in a tiny fundie household with no doors. There was ABSOLUTELY no privacy. That was literally psychological torture.
I agree that that is psychological torture. As an autistic person that would make me suicidal.
I remember laying on the couch literally crying because my need was so great, but it wasn't allowed. I also had the shame and self hatred, compounded by being told that being trans was a sexual deviation. that really fucked me up and complicated my relationship with my gender identity for the longest time.
It is
I know
@@mauriziomoreni1434 you mean the trans thing? Cus it's not actually (:
I'm so sorry to hear that and I send you love and healing, nothing wrong with masturbating or being trans and I hope you're in a better place mentally/emotionally and are safe now
Hearing this is deeply validating as someone who was raised catholic. you're such a kind, genuine soul
Same raised Catholic and told sex was evil. Became a Christian and realized sex is good and healthy and god wants you to have it. Or he wouldn't have wired us to reproduce and not only that tells us to be fruitful and multiply.
Elly, your videos are always beautifully human and honest. I learn something every time I watch one, and they help me to grow as a human and spiritual being. I was not raised in fundamentalist culture, but I believe there is still expectation for cishet females to remain pure for cishet males. I see it in my work with my adolescent clients and see the damage it does when there is sexual trauma with my girls. Masturbation can be a way for people to reclaim their own bodies after sexual trauma. When folks have been conditioned by someone else as to what they do and don't desire, it can be a tool of empowerment to discover what is true and what is not so that when they do enter into consensual relationships, they are better able to voice their needs and wants. Thank you so much for the courage to make this video!
Man, I'm surprised I'm not the only one who did the calendar thing. Whenever someone asked what the checkmarks and the x's meant, I just told 'em those were the good days and the bad days.
Not many good days, not consecutive, anyhow. Only made it a week once, and that was through not listening to any "worldly" music and causing pain to myself at the slightest thought that didn't leave room for Jesus.
I, too, have a high sex drive. 'Course, at the time, I just thought meant I was weak and likely to be a predator. At the time, my pastor would preach that any man who couldn't control his urge to masturbate would not control his urge around women. Led to some real bad ideas in that church.
Glad I'm out, finally. That place is a like a pressure cooker, or a bomb about to go off. Can't have that many young men all in one place being taught such things and not expect some damage their. Hopefully, more young men like me find a way out, and find themselves. Learn all things that should be taught and reverse the things that they were taught.
Raised Christian with the same problem too. Shaming yourself leads to nothing good. Thank you for sharing.
I want to thank you for your candor on this topic (and on many others; I'm glad to have discovered your channel.). There were times I thought I was the only one struggling or that I was somehow intrinsically "not right" as a person. I did all the purity culture things; I was, sadly, a part of an abstinence-only education group at my Christian high school (that was a nightmare). I always felt like a hypocrite when I would have sexual drives, needs, and desires. I wrote in my journal about that struggle, and I tried to force myself to stop to the point that I began to self-harm as punishment. I already struggled with body image, and dealing with my desires under such a repressive system of belief only contributed further to that. I left the church at 19 (16 years ago), and to this day, I am deprogramming. It's taken so long to accept that part of myself and then to acknowledge my bisexuality (which didn't happen until 5 years ago, and I'm still not out to some of my family because sadly, religious trauma is only one part of the trauma I've experienced). Knowing that I can be free to desire has been the most liberating part of leaving the church for me. Thank you, again, for sharing your story, and for providing hope to those of us who keep working to deconstruct.
I can't believe how well you're describing my childhood & feelings about this topic right now. I always thought I just had an unusually high sex drive for a girl; I also thought whatever guy I end up marrying would be really lucky cause I'd have no problems with wanting to have sex all the time (I actually kind of worried that I'd end up with a higher sex drive than my future husband, even though we're told guys want sex all the time and girls shouldn't). I didn't do the whole stars, Xs, or crosses on the calendar, but I did try to keep track of how long I'd go without "sinning." The longest I've gone was several months, but of course I always eventually failed and when I did I'd feel guilt/shame & then give up trying for a while & "binge masturbate" for the next couple of weeks/months, then asked god for forgiveness & start the cycle all over again. I will say though, when you don't masturbate for a while, and then you finally do, I feel like the orgasms are more intense & much better. 😂
As for porn, I never watched it (unless you count the sex scenes from Game of Thrones, which I never got past watching season 1 as a Christian cause it was too much guilt) but I never watched actual porn cause of the way it's talked about/framed in Christianity, I thought I'd develop a porn addiction if I did, but after I left Christianity I finally did watch some porn and no surprise I prefer lesbian porn than straight porn, and it never became an addicting habit (I've actually only watched it a handful of times cause once I learned about ethical porn, I knew I should pay for it, but I don't want to invest in it at this time, maybe in the future).
I had so much guilt & shame around masturbation as a Christian, if you would have told me I'd one day be open about my experiences/struggle with it & I'd be sharing that online, I would have laughed & said you're full of shit, yet here we are. Hopefully, by sharing this it will help someone else out there. You're definitely not alone and masturbation is NOT a sin. It's a healthy part of your sexuality that you deserve to explore.
This shouldn't be about shame or not shame, just it's matter of understanding that Because God wanted to protect us all from the worst
consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to
sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the
family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves
us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain
things, just for our well-being ❤️✨💯
@@Lichtgeschwindigkeit196 You should never eat sugar, either, if that is the case. In fact, you should never eat food. People can get addicted to food, eat way more than is in their own health interest, and even lose their relationships over it. Obviously, what you said tries to sound nice, but is complete nonsense.
@@josiahferrell5022 he’s actually not wrong in what he said. You actually proved his point without even realizing it. Food itself isn’t bad of course, but overindulgence is. Surely you’ve seen “my 600 lb life” where individuals have destroyed their lives because of their love of food. In the same way, underrating can be just as bad. Anorexia is a horrible condition and can be deadly and life ruining.
Balance is key. Sex isn’t bad, but in certain situations (too much of it, with abusive people, when it threatens your relationship with your spouse (in the case of adultery) etc. it can be. In the same way, for many people, too little sex can destroy relationships. It’s all about balance. We shouldn’t avoid food or even sex, we just need to be careful about balance.
@@josiahferrell5022 also, sex isn’t a necessary for an individual to live, unlike food and water
Just curious would you happen to be a squirter? The reason I ask is i have an unusual sex drive & thought I was alone...normal sex was not enough for me! I wanted 2 or 3 girls at the same time but it seemed the ones who squirted was more sexual & the ones who didn't know they could until I showed them became sex crazed! Which become another one of many fetishes of mine watching a woman get off. But the ones who are squirters seemed to be more into dp, dvp, etc. & open to trying new things... I would sometimes go weeks without thinking of nothing else & still battle it!
This is so relatable! Even as a guy, I was given the "Masturbation is a sin" lecture all the time. Even though I didn't listen all the time, I felt guilt and shame after each time. It was literally my guilty pleasure. It was especially devastating the first time I had sex before I married my soon to be wife. Thank you for your honesty and sharing this all too familiar story
"What you resist persists" - Carl Jung
Yay, thank you for mentioning those of us on the ace spectrum!
I grew up in a family where the idea of censorship was keeping The Joy Of Sex on the highest shelf of the living room bookcase in the second row (all our shelves were double-rowed, we had more books than shelves). But the idea of discussing masturbation with anybody, let alone a stranger, would cause me such ultimate embarrassment that I would jump off a bridge. I masturbated all the time but I still craved sex with somebody else, so the hours spent trying to concentrate on Latin literature while battling horniness are an experience we share. I lost my virginity way later than I wanted to and didn’t have a steady boyfriend until I was in my thirties, so I was constantly miserable and sex-deprived. The minute I had a partner, my libido completely disappeared, which makes me just as sad and also pisses me off madly. Several relationships foundered on this. I am single, and I wish I was asexual or aromantic. I’m not, I just have a wandering libido that makes me think that I will not be able to ever have another relationship. Thank God for masturbation and pornography, is all I can say.
Christianity does not teach that having a high sex drive is a bad thing in itself though. It is only if we choose to dwell on these thoughts or act on them that it goes against God's will. Concerning masturbation, I would highly encourage everyone to research about the nofap movement because you will quickly find out that many unbelievers have chosen to let go of porn and masturbation because the benefits they experienced outweighed the sacrifice. This is just one wonderful example of how much God rewards obedience and wants the best for his children ❤️
@@arbretree5463 uhm, how can a high sex drive be a good thing and acting on it being a bad thing? And why? Who gets hurt? Christianity has at its core love and respect for others. This obsession over sexual desire is… very icky. Look, I have been on a diet. Denying yourself the satisfaction of a perfectly natural drive means precisely that you will become obsessed with it. Your body doesn’t get what it needs and starts asking for it more and more forcefully and urgently. Where does this perverse idea comes from that an omnipotent, omniscient and *benevolent* God who created us gave us a sex drive but frowns on us following it? Is this his idea of a joke?
That is, of course, following the logic that there is a benevolent, omnipotent and omniscient God. Because otherwise, sex drive is what allowed us to be here as a species in the first place, for heaven’s sake.
@@annafdd I highly recommend you to look into the process of sexual transmutation (and the nofap movement). When you preserve your sexual energy through self-control and abstinence, the body will use this energy to improve other areas of your life. This is why, people who start going nofap experience a whole bunch of benefits, such as better sleep, increased focus, increased confidence, etc.
@@arbretree5463 When a person has absolutely no outlet for their sexual desires, they are going to build and build and build so how the heck is a person NOT supposed to “dwell” on those feelings??? The irony of that statement is quite obvious. Sexual tension without a healthy outlet is never a good idea as it inevitably cause way more problems than it solves. It makes no sense and it’s incredibly harmful to people who grow up in purity culture. It’s toxic as hell!
@@arbretree5463 That sounds like a personal choice which is great if you choose to do so, but we are talking specifically about how this type of indoctrination and withholding education about one’s body and sexuality while growing up is harmful and toxic. 2 totally different things.
Coming back to this video, I wonder if it was a kind of trick of your brain, that confessing the “sin” gave you strength to overcome the temptation. Rereading my last comment on this video, in which I share that this was also something I struggled with for years, but that finding your story lifted a weight from my shoulders, I realized something…
There is so much power in a shared story - in listening to your story, I discovered that, no, I wasn’t the only person raised as a girl, who had a high sex drive, and also masturbated a lot (and also had religious guilt and shame over being unable to resist temptation). And in that way, you changed the way my brain contextualizes sex and masturbation (it’s part of self-care - one of those things that, like taking my meds, or meditating to calm my racing brain before bed, or brushing my teeth, is just part of the necessities to keep me functioning, calm, and happy), which has generally made me a happier person (Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for that. *hugs*)
So, I wonder if confessing to this guest speaker did something similar in your brain, letting you realise that sharing that burden and having someone be encouraging in return, could make you move mountains (resisting masturbation for 3 years? Pretty huge mountain relocation 😉)
Anyway, fuck purity culture!
💜💙💚 Sasha
I felt so seen by this. My diary around 13 was consumed with agony over the fact that I prayed and prayed and God never helped me "conquer my sin". Even the writing style of your diary sounds so similar to mine at that age. I have talked with my therapist some about all this, but I have never heard someone narrate the inner dialogue that I had. I also tried to "quit" through a points method and even downloaded an app that helps people quit smoking to "wean myself from my addiction". I am still unpacking the shame and self-hatred that I internalized as a teen. What finally "worked" for me was similar. I finally shared to a friend after hearing a sermon that said masturbation and pornography are "practicing the mentality of infidelity and lust that ends marriages". So I was terrified of "training myself" to cheat on my someday husband. I confessed all that to a friend and it worked. I thought it was the power of God, but i think it was just relieving that guilt and then the power of belief.
So that sermon ignores the fact that there are millions of marriages that exist where one or both partners masturbated and consumed pornography before marriage that remain intact, and it ignores all the married couples who consume pornography together, or where one or both still masturbate as marrieds, and remain together. Honestly, are we still blindly believing sermons? Where did this pastor do his research? What were his statistics? By the way, his (and I'm assuming him because this sounds like something a white male would preach) information is statistically incorrect. Statistically, sexual activity before marriage is a non factor in divorces.
I love the intro when you say, "one of my favorite subjects!" As a still believing christian, but who now believes very differently about this than I did at 14, SAME!
Thank you so much for including asexuality in this discussion and making clear that even among asexuals there are some differences.
I am asexual and have a low libido but I still masturbate. Why? Completely practical reasons: It helps me fall asleep. I suffer from insomnia and one of the tactics that can help sometimes is masturbation. It's kinda similar to excercise or yoga before bed because it releases tension and helps me get my mind off things.
I do think my masturbation/ porn use is a bit different from allosexual masturbation though. I'm usually not really focused on how attractive the people in it are (as long as I'm not grossed out by them). Rather I'm more focused on imagining the sensations that a certain act could produce. Funnily enough, animated porn conveys that better to me than actual porn lol
I went to a (non accredited) Christian ministry school. We also had the student ID swipe system. But halfway through the year, it broke. So the (abusive) leadership relied on a group of their most favored students to act as informants. So inwould always make sure to greet one of these people before I left to make sure they thought I'd attended the service
As an asexual aromantic, thank you for mentioning asexuality in this video.
In Wally Lamb's novel I Know This Much is True, the protagonist's schizophrenic brother, Thomas, actually does cut his hand off. But he doesn't do it to take away the temptation to masturbate. He does it for a more worthy reason--to send a signal to the world about how it has succumbed to the sin of greed and is despoiling the environment. He does this at the public library, and of course it gets media attention.
I really appreciated your candor and openness here :) I haven't seen anyone else describe the experience of years struggling with this and the intense thought blocking and agony I went through so well. My faith was also pretty much consumed with avoiding sexual things since puberty. I had a very similar 'confession' experience when I was 19 or so and avoided masterbating for 6 months. All the thought blocking and some kind of personality splitting (like intense compartmentalization) that I had to do as a teenager to survive still affects me and I have only been able to orgasm with a partner a handful of times after 3 years of being sexually active. Growing up I thought there was something deeply wrong with me as a girl with a high sex drive and would go through nofap and porn addiction forums for men for advice lol. I deconverted about 4 years ago and not having the weight of that shame anymore has been so freeing :)
Pretty pic....you fought for 6 months that's long.
This shouldn't be about shame or not shame, just it's matter of understanding that Because God wanted to protect us all from the worst
consequences of lack of sexual control such as addiction to
sexual pleasure (like any drug) and infidelity (which destroys the
family union and leaves children orphans), it is God who loves
us and that’s the reason why he has forbidden us certain
things, just for our well-being ❤️✨💯
As a Christian I feel sex is good. There's no reason to abstain.
Christianity does not teach that having a high sex drive is a bad thing in itself though. It is only if we choose to dwell on these thoughts or act on them that it goes against God's will. Concerning masturbation, I would highly encourage everyone to research about sexual transmutation because you will quickly find out that many unbelievers have chosen to let go of porn and masturbation because the benefits they experienced outweighed the sacrifice. This is just one wonderful example of how much God rewards obedience and wants the best for his children ❤️
18:00 as someone who’s gone through this exact type of experience. I think it’s because the experience you had at chapel, and the sheer joy felt in being able to “conquer” an addiction - that high rivals the high of getting off to masturbating. Obv I’m not saying it’s the same but if you’re able to tie the act of resisting temptation to what is essentially pure serotonin through belief, it’s a lot more effective then shame.
The more I learn and the more I further myself from the fundie upbringing I had, the more I find shame to be incredibly harmful and ineffective at bettering yourself. It’s good for entrapment and nothing more.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Its unbelievable that millions of people have to live in utter shame - for literally nothing but natural urges and expressions of erotic energy. We literally tortured ourselves into oblivion.
It is amazing how sexually dysfunctional you can become with those messages given in certain forms of Christianity. This is the first year where I could really talk openly to someone about my sexual needs and it be a healthy conversation. When you develop a healthy relationship with your own sexuality you also create healthy boundaries for yourself, respect the boundaries of others, and find that sexuality can be a very rewarding bonding experience.
Watching this video made me realize I basically went through the same thing. When I was a teenager I would read and watch anime and manga a LOT. There would often be scenes that include women being sexual in some aspect and I enjoyed it. But, as a Christian I felt so bad that I was looking at these things, and that I was more interested in the women than the men (I’m a lesbian). So I would promise myself not to read or watch anything like that. It would only work for a bit then I would watch/read something and feel terrible all over again. Nothing I looked at could be considered porn, but I felt I had an addiction to it. For some reason the ‘confessing to another person’ thing didn’t work for me, so this continued until I became an atheist. It really sucks because I would constantly cry over it every church service and when I prayed (like almost everyday). It was bad. I’m glad people like you are talking about this negative aspect of Christian culture, and how stupid it is!
Im very very grateful that my mother never made me feel ashamed to do that. She taught me it was normal and ok, my shame about it actually came from a book saying it made you dirty and ruined you, and she says that if she'd known that was in that book, she never would have let me read it (It was a book about your changing body and coming into being a woman and whatnot, it was for teen girls)
Thank you for your openness and bravery! Those people talk about God being love and in the same breath about God condemning you to eternal torture for the most natural of things. Since when has love anything to do with torture??? Not so long ago I watched a wonderful cartoon here on UA-cam in which God asks a Christian and a Muslim: "i don't know which is worse: that you thought that I'm a monster, or that you didn't know that you thought I'm a monster?" Being free of indoctrination I'm sure you too ask yourself some of the same questions that I've been asking myself a lot, such as: what kind of deity would call "sin" something that doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't damage anything as in complete harmony with our deepest nature?
Your channel is such a mirror to how I grew up. Sometimes its hard to listen to because it brings up a lot of emotion that is buried but it's always soooo healing. This is still an issue for me and something I'm working through. I never even know the parts of my body or anything.
It is good to hear people speaking about a subject they know in deep.
You have literally described my life and struggles with porn, ghetto only difference is that I'm a guy, and I'm still a Christian.
I posted this above. If it helps. I'm not pushing an agenda.
Sex drive is important. Among other things, we evolved to reproduce. Millions of years ago, most humans didn't make it very far along. Females needed to be giving birth as soon as they were physically able to, and as big mammals, we reproduce slowly. Sex drive is in our DNA and is absolutely natural and would have been imperative. Being made to feel guilt over it is something passed along through chains in cultural beliefs and are based in supernatural fears. (Theism's) Watch Bonobo's and you'll know where we come from. We need to understand our drives fully in order to manage a humanity. Not ignore the issues and further stigmatize what is natural for us. Christianity allows a place for denial and prevents us from seeing the real issue as a culture. We can't be like our past anymore. It hurts. And the understanding of nature, needs to be complete. We can't manage what we refuse to see. Ignorance is bliss. But it eventually hurts others.
My breakup point of my faith was when i realized masturbation isn't a sin. During my 7 months walking with Christ I had 3-4 nocturnal emmisions something which raised the flag. What else have we been told that is a sin when actually it is not?
Casual spontaneous erections, and nocturnal emissions are normal body functions. My son would get daily erections as an infant! It's a way of the body saying "testing, testing is this thing on?".
@@2degucitas I remember when I was having a conversation with some friends once and mentioned that infants get erections, and they were shocked! It was a group of mainly women and they thought erections didn't happen until much later in development. I was like, "Uh, boys get erections, like, literally all the time at every age..." I found it so strange that they were taught that.
My breakup with the faith point too! Though I’m a woman not a man.
Ya masturbating is good. It clears out stuff as well. Keeps the body healthy
Elly!! Thank you so much for making this video, I related to it so much and it makes me very sad for past me. When you started talking about the calendar, my JAW DROPPED because I used to do the same thing. I somehow came to the healthy conclusion (far too late, but still) that all this was just a part of how my body worked, and it was just something my body needed. Thank you as always for sharing 💖
I hope you still journal. The insights you are getting from your old thoughts never ceases to amaze me.
Religion is so monstrous.
You have a lot of courage, but what you do helps others, and that is very admirable.
yeah, how dare they try to hold people accountable for their actions. How dare they be held to a higher standard. Let's just act like animals and f--k whatever we see
First I just want to say how grateful I am that I found your channel. It's really nice to see someone post videos and talk about things in a way that I relate to so deeply. I also wanted to guess that maybe since you were finally able to talk about your "struggle" with masterbation out loud to someone and, while they didn't tell you it was okay it was almost like they were telling you it was normal. You didn't have to feel isolated in your feelings anymore. At least that's my guess. Anyways thanks again for your content. ❤️
I'm so glad you are enjoying the videos! :)
I think you might be right. I do remember feeling surprised and relieved that she didn't have a look of disgust on her face. Great guess, thanks for sharing!
I mean . . . same. The ticks on the calendar and everything. Goal setting, rewards for so many days. I even recorded a motivational cassette tape for myself reminding me of why I shouldn't. I lived in terror that some say someone would come across that tape. I still kind of do.
Ok here’s my guess as to why that confession worked. You’re first instincts are always to protect others. If you had masturbated you would have made the woman a liar, “a sinner”. Once someone else was involved you couldn’t do it again because, although you did fear for yourself, the thought of “endangering” someone else was worse.
When my ex spouse denied me sex except for the 2x a year, he said I was cheating on him when I got a small vibrator. We were virgins when we married but he never got over sex was bad. I did.
if he thought sex was bad, why did he get married? Biblically, the whole purpose of marriage is so you can have sex and make a family
That is extremely sad
I was a Christian, but my parents told me it was normal and to just make sure it was for private time, and they were against pornography. There’s such a huge difference between mainstream Christianity plugged into historical theology and fundamentalist Christianity based on renegade churches under no oversight with unique theology invented in the last 100 years and unique to America.
I was also told not to idolize the Bible above God like the fundamentalists. It was literature to be interpreted appropriately for what it was and not always to be taken literally. Even if you wouldn’t have stayed, I’m sad you didn’t get to experience healthy religion.
The alt-right anger video was hilarious! Also, I'm 42 and still deconstructing the shame I was taught about everything regarding my body
I'm so sorry that you went through this. Although you were taught this, the Bible actually has a high view of the body. Who created it? God! I really hope that you get together with a group healthy well rounded Christian believers in a healthy well balanced fellowship.
@@anthonybarber3872 I don't know if that will ever happen but I do believe there is grace in my life.
@@rubixcubeiam5365 May I ask what do you mean by grace?
I related SO MUCH to this video, thank you so much, it really gave me a very good foundation to start healing all of the issues I developed because of purity culture.
Totally respect your videos and the encouragement you give to others in the same situation. I grew up in a similar situation and it messed me up for years. It was when I left the chuch (but kept my faith) that I could be freed from the chains that they put on people.
I too grew up sex-repressed as a result of religion. Needless to say, as a demi-male with a fairly high libido my personal life has been pure hell...
I wish we knew about such things then, I hope your testimony can help others growing up not to have to be broken by the abusiveness of "purity culture", etc!
I'm recalling how I felt after every time I made myself feel good. Every single time!!! It was a horrible to feel that way. Having bipolar with anxiety I can't even recall how many times I've been prayed over. They laid hands on me and they prayed in tongues even. What happened? Nothing!!! Why wouldn't God heal me? When I walked into church l felt like I always had to put on a false front.
OK so one of my friends from school was asexual and aromantic, and he was a Mormon kid. So he grew up in purity culture, and his parents shamed him and made fun of him when he told them he didn't want to date ANYONE. He pretended to date me for 5 months to avoid them shaming him, and it worked, but it also sucked, because he didn't like needing to hug me and hold my hand around them ( or the idea of kissing because he didn't like it anyways, and his parents banned kissing until his future wedding. Also, we wanted to go to our school dance for fun as friends, but he was not allowed to attend because "The sinning homos will go with their partners and convert their pure son to the lifestyle" so I went alone.
Anyways, we haven't talked for 2 years, but that was a fun time...
I also spent many years trying to conform to my Christian upbringing and not masturbate. My Christian mother had all sorts of horror stories to tell me which caused me self-loathing. Eventually I too escaped from the mind trap of Christianity. I feel I am a good person, I try to help others and give money to groups that care about animals and the environment. Oh, and I masturbate about twice a week. It feels so good not to feel guilty.
does it feel good that you're going to hell?
I like the way you think
Hi Elly!
I very much appreciate your honest sharing of your experience, with which I recognize a lot. I became a christian in the mid 80s and became a member of a church within the faith movement. The first period was wonderful and I really experienced the joy in God. It was preached that sex is only allowed within the marriage. And I had no problem with that. I actually got an unspeakeable joy in my heart about abstaining from sex with a woman until I get married.
But I still had a sexual drive, which I satisfied myself. In the beginning I wondered about whether it's wrong or not because I have read some paper from Jehowa's witnesses who claimed it's self defile. As time went on I participated in meetings where the preacher in the end of the meeting invited people to "be delivered from masturbation". Some preachers acted like it was their God given task to deliver people from masturbation.
Especially at youth meetings this was common because it was believed that unclean spirits was especially active on youths when they get into the puberty. But there was never presented a true biblical support for that it's sin. And people were never asked if they want to be "free".
I became more and more condemned because I was not delivered despite prayers.
In fact I was never convinced about that it would be sin. But many preachers said it was, and I was teached that I must not question the spiritual leaders. They were more spiritual and had a closer relation to God than the mainstream of "normal" believers. So who am I to question them?
The time went on and I fell in strong condemnation, which resulted in serious depressions. The joy I earlier had about waiting for sex with a future wife got totally lost. I became sexually frustrated and my sexual desire became stronger than ever before. I ended up as a sex addict. I had never earlier been much interested in pornography but my sexually frustration led me into it.
Since many years I have abandoned the church. But I still have a christian faith.
You are completely right that the purity culture is about control. Much is possible with mass psychosis. You can feel good to be "delievered" from something you are deceived to believe is wrong.
Millions of christians are deceived slaves in religious controll systems. A lot of christians are fools who follow leaders instead of their own conscience.
And the control is not limited to unmarried persons touching on themselves. People even ask pastors about if they are allowed to have oralsex within the marriage! So utterly stupid.
What we do in the privacy is no pastor's business!
Consequently I have experience of what religious condemnation of the sexual drive can result in. It results in the opposite to what it's claimed to result in.
It's important to know what the bible says. And what it does not say. Masturbation is nowhere prohibited in the bible. Therefore the claim that it is sin, is a human bid and people's religious opinion. And we have no obligation to other's opinion.
I am glad you found freedom from opressive religious rules!
I think the reason it worked was positive affirmation. Positive rewards (such as that speaker commending you and basically being in a similar position as a therapist) gave you more of a motivational rush than (self-)punishment and fear.
Also, I think it’s amazing that you speak of this and share your story. Sex drive in women is not often talked about, and the point of view of someone who’s been raised in a fundamentalist society is practically unheard of. Thank you for sharing this!
OMG I've never heard anyone talk about the intense devastation post-orgasm. Watching this is making me cry because I feel so seen. I wasn't fully able to enjoy self-pleasure until my late-20s and I'm still so bitter that so many years of healthy pleasure were stolen from me.
The binary gender roles of christianity also hurt me as a trans woman because as a side effect of AFAB people being raised with the idea that they should basically have no sex drive before marriage, it gave me gender dysphoria really intensely, because my high sex drive was "proof" that I was actually a man. I still struggle with this sometimes.
It's interesting too concerning porn, because even though I did look at it, the vast majority of it was just like glamour or nude photography/videos, much of it actresses I had crushes on, but my dad yelled at me so severely, he acted like he caught me having CP or something terrible. It warped my perception of myself for like 15 years and made me feel "perverted."
I am asexual, but still with a small level sex drive. I grew up in a household where we did not talk or even think about sex, I didnt know what masturbation or sexual energy were until I was at least 15, and even though I heard the terms in church my parents refused to tell me anything, which lead to me going on an incredibly dangerous path throughout the internet trying to find an answer. My brother knew more about female pleasure than I did, and that was only because of porn. So I had to go through most of high school without an explanation or answer as to why my body was feeling the way it did. And when I did finally figure it out and do it? I felt so ashamed I wanted to sob to my parents of my sin. I got more lucky than most people though, I did more reasearch instead of immediately going to my parents and I learned for myself that I was in fact not going to hell for letting my body have a release. So to all those other teens who had the same experience as me, theres no shame or guilt in doing this, and if your feeling this way theres probably something more at hand going on.
Also asexual people can masturbate, have sex, and enjoy both while still being asexual, and while personally I will never have sex, its perfectly ok for you as long as its consensual and healthy for all parties involved
You are so well spoken. My grandchildren are fundys and as I am not, you are giving me insight into their world. Thank you.
Should be a movie about you.
Wow, thank you for your incredible honesty, and integrity. This video is a blessing.
I totally scoff at these moralists who are shocked and outraged at teenage sexuality. It’s a part of the natural order. Like way back when, people only lived to 35 or 40 years. Hence, you only had so much time in this life to procreate.
Unfortunately being someone who still is in the IFB I support you. When I was single I masturbated a lot because that was how I felt I could control myself. I don’t think these people understand that God allows Liberties to keep our bodies in subjection. I recently stopped because it was taking all of my energy away from my wife and I.
In my experience, I've had "revival" moments where I heard someone whose opinion I valued speak on a topic and I felt very "moved" by it. In my case it was self-harm and other things related to my depression that I was repenting from, not masturbation. I think you're right about the power of belief, but I don't think that's all of it. I think it's because I finally had a biblically endorsed reason not to feel guilty for once. I was getting fed this ideology that I was broken and sinful and terrible, and I knew in the back of my mind that hurting myself physically (and in your case marking the calendar) was something I used to remind myself that I should be hating myself. When someone who "hears God's voice" tells you, "You don't need to feel bad anymore because you've been magically freed just now" it brings a great sense of relief that motivates you to abstain from the thing that gives your brain dopamine.
This is why people in the, days that the Bible was written, got married when they hit puberty. Now, you have to go through puberty staying pure (as a Christian, or whatever your religion is) and it is VERY difficult. Thank you for not inflicting self harm. You are beautiful and it would be very sad if you had to maim yourself.
This is heartbreaking to think about.
Sadly i have no idea how to help people in this situation - as a man in my 40s, i don't think it's appropriate for me to address sexual topics with young people. Also i am not a believer and don't pretend to be.
I just hope as many as possible find their way to acceptance of their own natural being. And maybe videos like this one can help them get there.
Are you sure your sex drive was high and not just normal? Maybe you were brainwashed into thinking it was. I am catholic and was taught that masturbation was a sin that I'd go to hell for it. Ect. I thought I was hypersexual but maybe we're just normal there's a lot of sexism out there even churches that tells girls they aren't sexual visual ect.
I heard many times it was hinted at- never actually explained or talked about- that women don't have "those feelings" and we were responsible for causing "brethren to stumble" so it was our duty to dress modestly and it kinda was just implied from there. I remember crying thinking "I think I'm a man" alone all the time. Not because I was experiencing gender dysphoria but simply because I was experiencing sexual desire but I was also incessantly abused emotionally,verbally and mentally by those around me that were supposed to teach,build me up and nurture me. I was extremely isolated as a child, so my world was small and I figured if everyone at home and in my small world of really only leaving the house to go to church (homeschooled) thought I was just stupid and bad and couldn't do anything right and ugly, that I was. And that everyone would always see me as those things... And I used to get so sad. I would burn inside. I desperately wanted love and attention and validation but I couldn't and can't even still give myself those things. So I still struggle with deep seated shame. Like if I'm with a partner and they finish, I get really quiet and feel like I can't tell them/ask them to help me finish and I get deeply sad inside and I know it's not their fault, I just feel gross or unworthy or that there is something wrong or selfish about me for needing things too. I'm 28. My world has still stayed very small and I guess I feel like masturbating makes me feel lonely and gross so I feel like if I don't have a partner helping me then I'm ashamed. I know it's not logical obviously or I wouldn't be talking about it here, but it's just a deep aching sad feeling I can't shake that's been engrained in me from the religious trauma. It's been a huge source of stolen joy from me and self loathing. I don't know how to break it.
Thanks for sharing your journey
I would love to hear your thoughts about accepting bisexuality. I am struggling to accept mine, because of this same culture.
Hi! Def late to the party but i wanted to give you some thoughts on this. i grew up a christian and bisexual as well. what helped me accept my bisexuality as a young teen was researching about homosexuality in other animals. i found through research how normal homosexuality was in the wild. that almost all animals partake in homosexual acts. that helped me a bit, knowing that this was a natural phenomenon that wasn’t exclusive to humans. another thing that helped was researching about what makes someone gay. i found that homosexuality was something that you were born with and can be explained through your genes. knowing that my identity as a bisexual person wasn’t unnatural is what got me through my early teen years. don’t know if this helped but those are my thoughts! bisexuality is beautiful and should be something to be proud of and cherished. wishing the best for you in your journey!
Why couldn’t the Bible writers just call non consensual sex a sin and be done with it instead of making people feel ashamed?
If it feels good and doesn’t hurt another human being, do it.
Honestly, I agree the power of belief probably played a role. I also think shame along with fixating on it and making it such a big thing can make it worse. In my experience, the more weight I threw on my libido the worse it was.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I was anxious to hear your story because as a sex repulsed asexual who doesn't like masturbation I find it very hard to relate, so I wanted to hear your story so I can understand people better.
I was so worried as a teen that I would go to the doctors office and they'd ask me if I was sexually active, and even though I only m@sturbated I would be unsure what to say. In my mind that was obviously sexual activity, but could I break through my shame to say it?
I feel so sorry for younger you, thank you for sharing your story, in this video and so many others. A lot this goes on my "How NOT to raise children" list.
I'm a Christian but grew up atheist, becoming a Christian has meant many changes but I don't see any anti-masturbation message in the Bible, I wonder did you know there were liberal Christians who did not share your conviction? How did you react to them?
one of the things that makes me the angriest about the stigma against porn and sex work in general is that people will still watch porn they just won't watch ethical porn. because if ALL porn is immoral, why does it matter? a lot of (cis men) porn consumers feel like they're entitled to free porn because a. they don't think sex workers deserve to be paid for their labor and b. they might get caught if they use a credit card on a porn website. anyway purity culture sucks and is so harmful to everyone
I grew up not only hiding my sexual desires but also my hobbies of writing and drawing things I thought were "dirty". I still write/draw erotica but it's kind of funny to look back on what I thought was so dirty as a kid and felt so, so ashamed of. XD It really was very tame.
same,, i would draw a girl in a shirt that was a little revealing and then tear up the paper before anyone could see
Thank you for your lovely enlightenment. I have a few supportive thots to add. Firstly pleasuring our sexual parts is truly a natural and healthy behavior. I’d rather not call it “to defile by hand”,
Lastly the “hard sayings”,
Are better perceived in the light of the language and culture he spoke in.
As in the parables, idioms,
And metaphors he used such as “tear this temple down and in three days I will rebuild it again”, those literalists hearing him failed to “hear”, that he was talking of his being born to rise again.
So in many ways a saying such as “if your hand offend you, or your eye”, also does so…
See what it means if you have the habit of stealing then just stop it. Cut it. Stop the wrongdoing, not to harm your self.
That is the Aramaic language perspective.
My dear lovely woman I suggest that, “he who began a good work in you will continue it till the “day of the lord.” But then I also accept as true the, “general inclusion of all souls.” I’m sad you suffered the literalism of the western rite churches.
I’m an Archbishop in the church of the East based on the travels of apostle Thomas to South India. Here in America priests, bishops are marriageable.
And we certainly do embrace LGBT and all forms of human diversity.
In clergy-women and same gender marriage.
Blessed be your share.
Archbishop Joseph Eaton
Th.D., D.D.
I felt so heard when you described thinking kissing and movie love scenes were porn.
Porn, sex, and masturbation addiction does exist, but like. it only constitutes an addiction if its having a severe negative impact on your life (like, hindering your ability to function in your day to day life.)
" sex is DIRTY, disgusting and a sin....so save it for the one you really love!"
Sort of a mixed message from an early age. No wonder some people are confused.
Wow, that Daily Show video made me understand the alt right so much more! NO WONDER they're so angry!!! Kudos to you for all that you have done to become the person you are!
Thank you for this video! Side note: At my xtian college we called it “scan & scram”! Slide and glide is great! it’s so funny but also makes so much sense that there’s multiple unique term for that at different religious schools! I went from refusing to skip chapel my freshmen year (even though we had a certain amount we could skip) & self-righteously judging ppl in the balcony who would be sleeping, on their phone, or working on assignments to my senior year scanning & scramming almost every chapel unless it was a professor speaking I especially loved. And I was an RA! Luckily I only got yelled at once but they didn’t report me. I could have lost my job & housing. Even with my scanning I ended up accidentally not reaching the minimum I was supposed too They would have kept me from graduating unless I watched the chapel archives and wrote a paper on each to make up the amount I was under by. Thank goodness I didn’t have to make up the whole number I actually wasn’t present for!
I felt that way as a guy in my teen years, spending so much time trying to stop. I thought girls had it easier in that respect, but I guess not.
After listening to ms Elly, really proud of my Hindu culture in which human sexuality is not taboo…. But missionaries here are hell bent on undermining this culture.
I am a Biromantic Asexual (well there is a possible psychological cause but I don't want to go into that every time lol) and my partner is...also bi (lmao) but not ace (I'm in the "sex is fine, but don't touch me" camp). I didn't grow up in fundie (we were agnostic/atheist/cultural christians) circles and ironically...I felt the opposite pressure. I felt weird that I had no interest in M*st*b*ti*n or sex. Kissing and cuddling, yes, the rest, no. It was weird to me. I tried to force myself to be interested, and it never worked. It's fascinating to see other people with the other issue.
You are so spot-on. Well said. Hope this helps others.