Why Narcissists Create Enemies
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- Опубліковано 7 кві 2021
- Have you ever noticed how quickly and easily narcissists turn simple differences into arguments and conflict? Dr. Les Carter explains that their underlying need to compensate for unresolved tensions prompts narcissists to create enemies. Even when you prove to be fair and cooperative, they need an adversary. As you understand what lies beneath this odd relationship pattern, you will become poised to stay disentangled from their invitations to participate in their gaslighting and blaming.
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The sickest part is they treat those who are closest to them the worst.. yet strangers who COULD be their newest friend is treated with the "utmost respect".
My ex wife ,it would do my head in .She would charming to new people especially men ,it was just totally insulting.I just sat there putting but with it ,I still don't know why.
@@alonzomosley7 Well... when you make it like you want to spend time with them and they make a point of talking to anyone but you it's indeed quite insulting. As for your ex.. it'd be hard to put up with. It's all too much sometimes
Yes they treat strangers like god.
“J” - Yes! You just reaffirmed my comment round about way. Too busy collecting all the crumbs and doesn’t see the whole cake right next to him! Narc/OCD combination, even worse.
They treat strangers better because they can get their supply...had a sibling brag about driving a complete stranger two hours out if his way so he could hear how great he was. But driving me to a store 5 minutes away was a terrible inconvenience.
When they lose control over you, then you become the enemy.
When the narc can’t control you, they control how people view you ,,, with the help of there flying monkeys
Just say NO 😂
Narcissists cannot have real friends; they may have contact with other narcissists or many victims. Friendship is a reciprocal matter.
It's all fake with them. They are cowards,they love to start fights but not fight themselves. God bless any of us dealing with such sickos🙏. But remember it's all an act with them. Jealous cowards is all they are .
Yep.
Rather than acknowledging their flaws, they will make you the worst person in the world. That's much easier than self-reflecting
true and it helps them to keep the control lol
Someone said: Narcs tries to destroy your life with lies, because theirs can easily be destroyed by truth.
That's why it's better to walk away and ignore them. When they're alone then maybe (with divine intervention) they'll self reflect
Ugh so true
@@NetiNeti-gm5bz woow this is so true. Real cowards
Speak the truth.
They are CHAAAAARMING at first, and more so to strangers.... then you are the monster. They don’t have ANY friends. Only people they “use”
That is not always true. A lot of narcissistic people while with some large assets to their name and a ready supply of cash to throw on tables are often surrounded by lots of friends. Until all of their narcissistic ways catch up with them. Then when they are experiencing trouble more like everyone else is too on a dime they can at any moment be turning on you.
@Mr Dudemangeezermate Friendship is something wonderful that should be protected from a more and more asocial world.
@ProgM , not true. I'm a Christian, and while there are some Christians with whom I will never be friends because we have nothing in common besides our faith, still, I've found true friends through my church. I also have a couple of friends who are not Christians. I know it is very hard to find friends, and I've gone through much of my life with no friends, in the last fourteen years, I have found true friends.
yes, they do not have relationships...they take hostages! LOL! Although it is no laughing matter as they are so cruel and abusive.
@@lisab7977 theres always somebody you never
Know he could meet another narc and live happy ever after ..
Engaging with a narcissist is like trying to pet a rattlesnake..no matter how you approach, they'll strike at you.
Then when u stop approaching them all together they mirror u and try to talk to u like u have been trying to do with them all along smh
This doctor is a brainless leftist. He is corrupt
T.L. Boom...Good analogy! Much peace to you.
@@devonjoners5512 Is that your emotional reaction, or do you have a supporting logical argument you can share?
Otherwise, it appears you just might be emotionally devaluing him and projecting onto him.
@@bb_binx Think in terms of their "comfort circle.". When you are in it, you are good. When you are out of it, you are not. Note that the emotional state plays a role, too. Bad moods can make any time bad time. Responses will tend to vary depending on how they feel and how far out of their comfort circle they are. To them, **everything** is about THEIR PROGRAMMING AND FEELINGS. There just isn't room for more than that.
The don’t live. They calculate. Nothing they do comes from the heart.
Andre what you said is #1 !!!!!
Good point. They are stuck in their head, not in touch with the heart. That’s why you see no empathy either.
yes! they have years worth plans in the making!
We Sleep, They Live
Doing things from the heart without logic is a bit foolish. Too many people rely on emotions rather than facts and logic
They love to attack the scapegoat. Never taking responsibility. Blame, blame, blame is all they know how to be.
When you're a sudden success they hate you more than anyone else.
100%
Ditto that
Preach! 💯
The best thing you can do with a narcissist is to get the hell away from them. They are stuck in an oubliette of their own toxicity because they are slaves to their id and ego.
I find it astounding that their behaviour is legal - but then again too many politicians are hardly likely to outlaw their own conduct.
Love the oubliette metaphor .... they try to stick you in one they can control.
Their abusive behaviour is NOT legal.
It is deemed Coersion & Control and can be reported to the police OR a civil suit could also give you justice (As well as EXPOSE them), simply record their abusive behaviour and take notes.
@@nealmiller1528 good advice - taking notes. I wish someone had told me to do that! Well said!🦘
They need an " enemy". It gives them and the flying monkeys a reason to bond. Without the "enemy", they'd attack each other.
very interesting perspective. good point.
Wow. I never thought of it that way. That is so true. My ex was always triangulating, creating conflict between me and other family members. And then he would smile when I would express my hurt at the loss of those relationships that once meant so much to me. So so sick.
That's very true, Greg. We give the narcissist and their Flying Monkeys supply. When we remove ourselves from their control, Satan ( the narcissist ) will turn on his/her flying monkeys. Where else can they go? I also enjoy when a narcissist comes unhinged. Nothing brings me such joy to see the pain on their ugly faces. The same pain they inflict on others.
This! I left finally and I imagine that they turned another family member into the enemy to be attacked all the time. They are all narcissistic and can’t stand on their own. These people are very weak.
@@cassiebrown9786 I was the scapegoat and I left them in 2015. I’d love to see how they dealt with this and how the new scapegoat is acting. Now that would be fun to see.
No one likes being controlled and manipulated.... Especially after pretending to be a friend. There is something nauseating about them.
@Surviving Narcissism Hey look, a fake account pretending to be this channel. Quite sad you (whoever you are) would try to manipulate someone by pretending to be someone else. Although your attempt is actually amusing in a way.
They use people. Pretending to be a likable person to get you hooked. Eventually people catch on to their games. I saw my X doing that to people.....well he did that to me! He acted like I was the best thing since ice cream! Disagree with them and the discard begins.he actually stated to me, ‘I’m not your enemy’....lol! Classic projecting!!
My female narc pretended she wanted a relationship with me and be my girl yet in the end didn't even want to be my friend... why?
'Cause her interest was just to feed her own ego and put down my self-esteem and boundaries, no deep connection and nothing thrutful in it, looking it all to be a competition where she just has to win and where nothing is personal and if she goes on walking over people as if they are dead corpses well that's like allright, shit happens, life goes on!
@@nancyclark-gaines6856
‘I’m not your enemy’ is what I always said to my narc ‘friend’ because he kept trying to bait me into an argument for having my own opinion on subjects we would talk about. He saw me having my own opinion that differed to his, as a personal attack on him - black and white thinking.
I gave an example once about people in my family (inc extended family) all having different religions and beliefs, and some having no religion at all, and yet we all get along fine, because everyone is entitled to their own belief systems and way of life; none is right or wrong, just different. He didn’t know how to respond to that but I got the feeling he didn’t understand how I dealt with being in that situation and being able to discuss all aspects without getting annoyed/angry etc. I think it made him feel uncomfortable somehow.
In my experience, they always need an enemy so they can have an ally. They triangulate people in their lives so they can get narcissistic supply from them and also to keep up the victim mentality that is underlying their personality disorder. It's like they're addicted to their "poor me baby" status. They also seem to be addicted to chaos and will go to great lengths manufacturing it when there is none.
yes!
I have a newfound addiction to Peace! Lol
Very true, it's spot on!
@@sarahchannahholliday7397 Funny you say that because the narcissists I know will actually say, "All I want is peace!" but then they actively create chaos in every way possible. That's how we know we aren't narcissists. We actually DO want peace and try hard to create peaceful environments. 💗
So well said.
They always have to have someone to BLAME!!! They don’t take any responsibility at all.
Just like you blame them now.
@@herrbonk3635 Do you mean as you're doing also?
@@HeLpLOstGOdAny1 I'm not blaming, just trying to make people reflect a little.
@@herrbonk3635 I would imagine there are plenty who are in to that deeper journey now at last, after the profound experiences they often describe in comments, would you think so?
@@HeLpLOstGOdAny1 To me they usually sound very categorical, the opposite of deep or nuanced. Sometimes it makes me think of how some people blame "the jews" for everything bad (or white middle aged cis-men, or witches, back in the 1600s).
I don't want adoration or attention, I just want everyone to leave me alone. 😆
How about when you’ve grown as a person and you realize certain people have been been narcissistic all along. They won’t allow u to be anyone other than who they think you are and problems emerge.
Your never allowed to have a opinion unless it met their needs
If it's a narcissist with comorbid borderline it's even worse - they have no idea about their own needs, therefore any opinion of yours makes you opinionated. If you withhold your opinion - you are arrogant. You lose anyway.
Foxie Dog, Say that. It is there faulty opinion and lack of vision. Yes sometimes we are all wrong at times as we are human not bots.
I would rather be wrong and joyful than right and miserable. Much peace to you!
Absolutely you speaking for yourself for once is like a how dare you
@@gossamercross20 , Exactly! Much True love and peace to you and many Blessings!
@@robertruge2916 , Yep Sir. Do not play! Cheers
They sought us out to be an enemy before we did anything right or wrong, damned if u do damned if you dont. This therapist is soo right
You're going to make it, Rory. Dr. C
@@rorywright5692I always found myself trying to convince my husband of this also! Wish I new then what I know now! I thought that me reassuring him that I was not the 👿would somehow change things! Silly really. I dont even waste the energy saying much if anything anymore. Trying to teach a narc how to be human is entirly exhausting, and frankly Gods job NOT MINE
They expect rejection at all times.
I wholeheartedly agree!
@@rorywright5692 I think we have to give our psyci time to slough off their control on our minds. My narc mother died when I was 25 (I nursed her through strokes and cancer. 10 years.) and for years I would have dreams about her. I would wake up, remember she was dead, and feel SO relieved! Deep wounds take time to heal.
Would like to add on the dislikeable part that some people who are like this are very good at keeping up a likeable image. But once you've seen behind the curtain, you'll shake your head at how fake the whole act really is.
My narc eventually found himself completely friendless, and it was entirely everybody else's fault. "They're dead to me" was something I heard more times than I can count over the years. It never occurred to him that his aggression and abuse and relentless judgement were simply insufferable.
A narcissist is a black hole forever staring into a mirror.
❤️ this analogy!!
Great comparison.
And as BORING.
Great projection of what a narcissist is, love it!
One of the worst is the narcissistic person that is nice to your face, but behind your back will badmouth you to anyone that will listen.....to make themselves feel better about their shortcomings......the depression and insecurity that goes along with these folks is scary.....
My ex showed me texts between himself and my neighbor both bashing me. But, to my face they are friendly and act concerned for my welfare. They offer help and give me things I don't ask for. SMH
THIS. Scary.
"These individuals need to have an enemy, and that's where you come in." 😂
😆🤣 i know i shouldnt be laughing but my mom is a narcissist and i live with two narcs and they all do this to me i can totally relate to this i guess they all narc friends now trying to keep tabs on me and talk about me behind my back they all trying to make me their enemy because i go to work stay in my room and mind my business and dont engaged with them and their bull crap i actually feel so bad for them all im moving out soon they can all have a blame party by themselves im taking the high road and moving forward in my life it is so exhausting you CAN NOT get through to these people
@@uniquedavenport8810 I think it's great that you're getting away from these people! Excellent decision on your part! 👍
@@uniquedavenport8810 oh,,, just wait.you will feel sooooo much better...may be alittle lonely but not a bad trade off for having peace of mind and a healthier happier you‼️
That made me laugh.
@@uniquedavenport8810 Stay strong. Pray for God's strength. He loves you and sees the good in you. Narcs are impossible. Some people just can't be helped. It's not your fault.
Friendships with narcs are empty and have no joy... there is a world full of lovely folk, that’s where I spend my time 🌸
Amen to that!💜
Smart lady!
Yes!
Yeah if a friend ship is one sided... not possible
They would rather be hated than forgotten. If there is drama it gives them a false sense of significance
i think it gives them a sense of immortality.
Yeah.. negative energy might even be preferred supply for these narcs
Agree 💯!!
Bingo!
Very true!
React to their abuse, Now you have an enemy.
It seems like such a sad, sad way to experience life. These individuals are so toxic.
Yes they are so toxic parasites 🕷️🕷️... I am such an empath that I have to beat myself over the head with this type of information.. reading a few books too... I think I am a bit thick headed....but more of what I am intouch with is these concepts and how these narcs operate is sooooo far from my own reality. Just saying
@@tootienottoofruitie1726 I totally understand.
@@AccordingtoMJ do you understand about being so hard headed bc you find it difficult to wrap your head around this stuff? Peace to you 🕊️💗
cows probably think the same thing about all of us ...lol
@@jeremyschissler337 lol
In my opinion they are their own worst enemies... Sabotaging promising relationships, hurting others, refusing and ruining pure love seem very counterproductive to me. But this is their decision, it's entirely up to them.
Very counter productive quite sad😢
26 years of this and now I find out
Yes they completely do it to themselves but blaim you! Complete insanity!
I've told my now ex husband that he was his own worst enemy
True turn away from true love
Yep. 🙄 Every story has to have a bad guy. They make you the "bad guy" so they can be the hero or the victim.
unfortunately, yes. Dr. C
It’s the absolute lack of empathy that gets to me the most.
When you realize you’re in a fight but you don’t know why, you’re in the boxing ring with a narcissist. They hit below the belt; there is no “foul play” in their book. Don’t let confusion keep you in the ring taking punches! Extract quickly.
"you’re in a fight but you don’t know why" OMG, this was such a major confusion to me. When I finally realised what was happening and explored this aspect of narcissism I started to pick up on the subject shifts and head games when he was just picking a fight. After so many years of playing these head games he tried it and I just said, "Ok you're right!" There was a huge pause and he said, "What did you say?" and I responded, "Ok, you're right, I'm wrong". He was so freaked. I think that was the moment he realised I could see through the confusion and manipulation; I could see WHAT he was!
He would start by talking about something totally obscure and random, eg some random quote. Demand I give an opinion about it, even though I had no idea what he was talking about and he would refuse context. Then whatever I said he'd then add more context to make my forced opinion 'wrong' and not even aligned with what I think, then argue against 'my opinion'. I wasn't allowed to change my opinion with the new information and I suspect no matter what I said he would have had 'new information and context' to make it 'wrong'. Nothing was verifiable of course as it was such an obscure starting point.
To prolong or escalate into an argument he would gaslight over what I said, misquoting me or outright making up something I never said. Then I'd try to clarify and he would shout over me and argue. It would become me defending myself over something I didn't say about something I don't even care about. He'd jump between the argument he'd created both sides for and personal attack on my character. I'd get so confused how and why there was even an argument over something I neither knew about nor cared about and had repeatedly said I have no opinion about.
Towards the end, not long before I cut contact, I started just shutting this nonsense down by saying, "Ok, you're right, I'm wrong" then saying nothing more. It was the first time I did that that he realised I had started to suss him out. His shock and fury that I wouldn't engage in his argument was huge. It was one of the things that helped me recognise how toxic and aggressive he was and how important it was to get out safely. He is a very angry man!
It makes them feel superior. They love to stomp out life in others. They enjoy the feeling that they get when they steal from their employer and get someone else fired for it. They feel powerful when they make their 'loved ones' cry. Etc.
I find narcissists have a ton of "secrets" they don't want anyone to know about. JMO. God forbid you bring them up around anyone else.
SO true!
Their entire existence is a secret. They don't want to be found out.
They create enemies because they just don't care about anyone but themselves and they power trip.
They don't have relationships only transactions where if you're of benefit they'll string you along otherwise, you're cut. Best thing is to either grey rock or go no contact.
My mother is an incredibly cruel vile narc, watching these videos and reading the comments is a great comfort. Thank you.
Unfortunately so true been here and stepped way back. Moved to NY just to keep my distance from a monster narc. God bless you and your family.
me too, feel dying
So is mine and my siblings. Take care.
My mother was a narcissist, so is a sister. It's always been a sad and troublesome relationship with the two. Mom's gone but evil sister is around somewhere.
I feel the same :((( just realised my mum and my brother are narcissists and my dad and me have been victims of it because we’re always the enemies on the other side
narcissists say always that everyone likes them .and newer say good things about others.newer say sorry.when u arguing with narcissists it's like talking with wall.
They can shift their views too, just to be contrary. They won't even LET you agree with them. If they accidentally find themselves in agreement with you, they'll tell you that you don't understand or rephrase what you've said to a different meaning and keep arguing and contradicting.
You just have to walk away...
Exactly! This is the first comment I've read that addressed that particular aspect of a "crazy making" conversation with a narcissist. It's a waste of precious time and energy.
I love readings comments such as yours because it helps to simplify things into a clearer perspective of acknowledgment. Sometimes we cannot finds the words we want to speak but every so often someone else becomes our voice. You worded that perfectly!
Absolutely agree. Maddening and a frequent feature of my experiences.
Yep. When you agree with them and apologize they do rephrase what you said and make you wonder and second guess what you said.
Shifty is a great word for them.
There was once a narcissistic old lady who had a hunchback and there was once a narcissist old man who had a wood eye..
They met at a community dance and the old man came up to the old lady and said , would you like to dance? The woman excitedly said would I? (wood eye). The old man angrily replied, hunchback! hunchback!
Point is, narcissists always thinks you're attacking them and it's the most frustrating thing in the whole world they're always on the defense!
Ive met a few Narcissists on my life's path. Learnt to read them like a book. The friendliness and roping in. The bells ring early when you start seeing the signs...Grandios attitude...condescending.
remarks...lies...bullying and has to be the centre of attraction at all times. ..
When you start noticing...they show hostilty toward you...with contradicting you.. condescending remarks or putting down remarks..then they start "warning" you and try to provoke you into an argument, epecially when you start questioning them. They are working on an hidden agenda...like a chef researching and perfecting a recipe. Then a situation arises when they go for the final blow of Power..then they will say...don't you DARE do this or that...and when you stand up them...they fold completely and sink into the hole they were digging for you. As they will never admit defeat and acknowledge the lies..will always blame somebody or something else. They will disappear and start a back stabbing campaign against you...they have lost their supply of bullying in you and become revengeful. I broke their pattern by making boundaries. Months will go past..when they will try again to pester you. The best punishment is to TOTALLY ignore cut ALL ties if possible and live your best life. A good time to look after yourself and improve your circumdtances. It totally destroys this evil person...and you are in a better place without them
They live miderable lives trying to pretend who they are not...to convince people how wonderful they are...
Sad...as they go through life in a cacoon...blocking out any joy or happiness. They are a negative energy which also attracts negativity towards them. You are never a victim..
But a wiser person who has mastered lessons in life without a text book.
Youre not a trained therapist and are not qualified to deal with Personality Disorders...just keep clear of dark holes..
Your purpose in life is not meant to be bullyied by self centered selfish individuals.
Your best life is far away from them
Perfectly said
Narcissist will never be accountable for their actions, due to the entitlement. Many relationships end up being strained and creating enemies because of their lack of emotional regulation.
They don't have the insight to understand that they're not victims of circumstance, but that they're a product of their own choices. With them, it's always someone else's fault. Their failures, that second grade teacher, their disappointments...the list goes on and on. What a shitty, horrible way to live.
I personally think these narcs are born with the narc bent.like a vicious dog is bred to be aggressive
Got to admit it takes a lot of awareness in an individual. Recognizing our flaws is something the ego is good at avoiding lol
@@tootienottoofruitie1726
It’s learnt from parents who are narcs themselves and it carries on down the generations. Narc parents will usually result in the child going one of two ways; either a narc or an empath, depending on the childhood experience, (scapegoat or golden child), and the coping mechanisms/survival techniques they used (copying or repelling - parenting styles), in order to navigate through the whole thing.
No child is born a narcissist and no dog is born aggressive. It’s all in the conditioning. Learnt behaviour.
@@manicboy76
My sister would never think that about our mother either. It was very subtly done and not something anyone else would pick up on unless they were the target. It wasn’t even intentionally done, for the most part, (though some of it was), it was just copied parenting passed down from her own upbringing. My sister was the golden child, and still is. Now she can’t cope with real life and goes into meltdown if she can’t get her own way or if someone else is talking, she will butt in, raising her voice until she’s at shouting pitch until everyone listens to her. If she can’t get attention that way, she’ll make a scene and stomp out, and this even happens in restaurants at family meals. She’s never once been pulled up on any of her behaviour ever since she was a toddler. I got the blame for everything she did when we were kids even when I was nowhere near the scene.
Everything is a contest with these jerks. Everything.
Narcissists make Enemies
because they're narcissists ~
It's really that simple.
Why did the Scorpion sting the frog?.
When the frog helped the Scorpion carrying him on his back across the river the Scorpion stings the frog,the frog asks why did you sting me after I helped you?,the Scorpion replied,it's just my nature!..
The literal story of my life with my narc parents. They can flip on a dime and I’m their worst enemy, and they can be incredibly vindictive when triggered.
How many times did I find myself saying, “I’m not the enemy here.”
I've said it but the other person didn't hear it
I remember asking my narc why my efforts to just get through the day were so enraging to him. He simply couldn't hear me.
They've gotta have someone to blame, don't they?
Who doesn't? I haven't met many people that genuinely puts the major blame for bad things happening on themselves. That's pretty rare, isn't it?
@@herrbonk3635 Not necessarily. Why are you choosing to come in the comments in deflect? When you engage with someone that have narcissistic personality disorder, they do EXACTLY what you are doing. When you are conversing with them, you generally are just saying to them what they said or did, that was hurtful to you. NOT trying to place blame, you are just having an open discussion with them, and trying to get understanding of how to make things better. Or again simply expressing yourself, which you have the right to do. STOP acting as if you don't know where people are coming from, or as if you don't understand.
@@ladennayoung2939 _"Why are you choosing to come in the comments in deflect?"_ Well, because I'm sceptical to trendy american diagnoses... and even more to masses of people all saying the same thing and repeating the same mantra. That's scary as hell. (I couldn care less if you see me as this or that. I know who I am.)
@@ladennayoung2939 Deflecting + Gaslighting 101
Deflection.....it easier for them to express hate...than love
My neighbour made me an enemy within months of moving here without me even meeting her. My mother-in-law, aunt-in-law and sister in law too. Wish I had known decades ago that it doesn't matter how nice you are - in fact that is why they target you.
Been there, done that... I know what it feels like. Narcissistic neighbours ruined 30+ years of my life, fortunately they are gone now. Some people made me an enemy because they had probably heard this and that from them. Strange because we've never had any personal interactions. Not one single word. I don't even know their names. And yes, now I know that it doesn't matter how nice, helpful, understanding, funny, etc. I am. All these positive things didn't help when my narc mother-in-law and her flying monkeys started their smear campaign. First I didn't want to believe that it's reality, that it can happen in a family. Yes, it can. I've lost my illusions.
No kidding! Kinda scary
Yes, exactly. When people are too nice, the fail to see the negative side of others.
That was my story my in-laws treated me as if I was the worst person in the world he could marry and it turns out HE was the worst person I could've married. Even when he cheated repeatedly they would still say who the best girl was for him which was not me instead of trying to prepare their son to be good to somebody.
They at least teach you to perfect your boundaries, self love etc
Neighbours can be 1 of the worst type of narcissist as they are in close promixity
My neighbor told me he was Bipolar. I showed him nothing but kindness. I've given him things I didn't need to help him fix his place up. I was shown texts of him badmouthing me to someone. Calling me a btch, accusing me of yelling at him etc, asking to borrow things and not returning them etc. He unloaded his life story on me unsolicited, accused me of being rude to him in my home by rolling my eyes at him. He told me if I had been a man he would have punched me in the face. I try restricting contact with him, he tries hoovering me back in. Demands attention from me and drives aggressively past my house. Argh!
A very important point, in my opinion: There is always a war to be fought with them - completely unnecessary.
Yes so true.
I feel so isolated now. I’ve cut off so many people because they are toxic that I’m beginning to blame myself all the time. No one cares about my feelings at all. How do find nice people to have in your life. It’s so hard. I feel so low all the time because I don’t trust anyone after being around so many narcs.
I feel the same way😪, I've done what you have done! It is very hard🤔🧐 to trust people, after Narcissistic Abuse☻😈, you question people's motives are they genuine good👦👧 people or are they wearing false mask👺, are they toxic☠ people & are they snakes🐉. I rather have no friends for now, than have people around me that have no good intentions for me , jealous & are very toxic. All the best to you & your healing 🙋♀️ from Australia 🐨
If u can volunteer. Narcs dont do this and if they do to show how great they are .. it dont last long they are lazy and selfish so volunteering seems alien to them
@@Sufferfish Do you mean volunteering work?
@@georgias9211 yes 🙂
@@georgias9211 you do and as soon as you see the fake nice you want away from people. Well I do. I can’t be around people who are just nice to my face.I feel you hun. Same to you from uk. Sending hugs and blessings xx❤️
This is how my inlaws operate. I avoid them, if I have to interact I give short answers like yes and no. I show no emotion and give the illusion of being dull and boring. No fuel for their fire.
Brilliant approach.
Kathy this is what I do as well . It’s really fun .. not
but how long can u be like this...not your usual self?
@@draditijain379 when you have self respect in place, standards and boundaries do not get lowered. I choose not to enable and support their abuse.
My heart goes out to you. My entire in law family is horrible
This is also how someone who is in denial about their mood disorder adds narcissism to their issues.
These videos have literally saved me from being trapped in a narcissistic relationship. I've never heard anything in counseling more spot-on than this video. For two years I've been trying to get through to my narcissistic husband only to have him create scenarios that never happened in order to make me look crazy. I never understood what gaslighting was until I learned from Doctor Les and then everything finally made sense!! I finally put my foot down after I got strong listening to these videos. I moved out I filed a separation agreement. He has tried several times to get me to come back but when I stand up to him, goodbye "new man" out comes the verbal abuse. I turn around and walk out the door. His reaction to this is that I am mentally unstable. I even found a list on his computer that he's been keeping for 2 years of all the conversations and situations where he feels I have been lying or manipulating him. And then another document that lists all the ways that I am mentally ill. In fact the last text he sent me before we went silent was that he hoped I would get help for my mental illness LOL it is heartbreaking not only to experience being the enemy when you've done nothing wrong but to watch somebody be so lost in their own mind that they would reject someone trying to love them just because they don't know how to have a healthy relationship
What a story.....! I'm so happy for you Angela!
My narc mother was always trying to sow discord. She hated people to get along and would try to play one person against another.
Every time we got in the car to go anywhere, my narcissistic ex-wife would insist upon dictating what route I would take to get where we were going. Sometimes her way was the longer way, and a fight would develop. Narcissists make enemies because they don't believe in win-win situations. For them to win, they believe someone has to lose.
Good point
Ugh trigger warning lol. I had the same thing with my ex husband, I would say “please just let me drive the car” and it would be an hour of how I don’t drive right, I don’t use the right lane, I don’t signal at the right time. Meanwhile, I’ve had one accident in my 34 years on the road. The freedom now of doing absolutely everything without criticism or rejection is amazing.
Delt with a Narcissist and abusive parent. He had a _public_ persona and a _private_ persona. He acted out as a great person in public but was a totally different person in private.
The looks of a lamb but the mind of a shark,
my narcissist rips my sorry mind to shreds for a lark
A sense of power and control when they gather their narcissistic supply around a common enemy. The narcissist plays the victim of a bad person - drama making and chaos - and is able to gather his minions around him for a common purpose or to hate and seek vengeance on the target. Why? Because all these sickos don't have a higher purpose, developed mind, and any independent thought.
Yep. Usually all of those sickos are following & worshiping the money (narcissistic millionaire). Too much secondary game they might lose out on should they push back against the Narc for misbehaving. This puts the Narc in an easy position to hood wink, manipulate & control the sickos (yes men or lap dogs) who are all showing favoritism towards the wealthy Narcissist.
I believe these are one of the many reasons God (Jesus) was crucified (per Isaiah 53) and the reasons why God mentioned His followers would be faced with the same troubles that Jesus had in life (per John 16:33). Proud people who didn't want to be humbled. God despises the proud, but gives grace tot he humble. The good news is Jesus defeated evil proud people who wouldn't listen to Him, when He rose from the dead (per Psalm 110:1 and Psalm 22) and grants us his strength and gift of grace if we choose to follow Him (per John 3:16).
Excellent comment, OP
@@AvecPoesie Thank you. ♥️
It seems to me that narcs have a talent for gathering flying monkeys to themselves. The narcs I’ve encountered in my life have mostly been in the workplace. Narcs often end up in charge and rather quickly surround themselves with the flying monkey goon squad. Then they sic the goon squad flying monkeys on their perceived enemies which are typically the better people but threaten the narc simply because they outshine them. I think it must be a kind of supernatural recognition. These demons recognize and understand one another.
@@jordanblahnik1035 Exactly. And you are right, it's usually the better person that's attacked and smeared by the flying monkey squad.
I have been married to him for 39 years and I’m about to the end of my rope. I just have to figure out how to get out of this situation.
There's great videos on UA-cam about leaving a narcissist. Take special care, much love and respect from Gold coast , Australia 💟☮️
Beverly, I hope you're making progress with a plan to move on in your life. I put up with 30 years and got out in 2019. Life is so different now and I encourage you to start taking back control in your life as soon as you can. You learn a lot of useful skills dealing with these people. With hindsight, they trick you into feeling you are weak when in fact you are unbelievably strong having endured their behaviour for so long. And when you do move on, you'll realise you are courageous, not defeated.
Whats wrong with you that you would even stay with a narc 39 minutes.....39 years? You love punishment, you may as well stay. Feed off one another.
@@reign6409 I never realized what was happening until I started watching Dr. Ramani. He would make it look like I had the problem and everything was my fault. I was raised to believe that you stayed married and you worked your problems out. Then recently I started watching Dr. Ramani videos and started learning about narcissist. She has opened my eyes
Tread carefully. You will make a calculation as to what your options actually are, what each scenario will entail, as well as the likelihood of each. You have learned how to survive in this system. The older they get, the stranger it will get.
Run Away and Stay Away from them unless you enjoy pain !
I am echoing many comments here when I say I think they create enemies to compensate for their inner emptiness, that creating conflict with or among others is a misdirection so that their own malfunction stays out of the spotlight, for a sense of power, and it's their idea of fun, as close as they can get to having real fun, which is sad.
Yes, they thrive in chaos. They will yell instead of talk, turn TV and music up way too loud, slam doors and cupboards even when they're in a 'good mood', start fights with people just to get a rise out of them, rev the engine on their cars and road rage at the drop of a hat, etc. At least the ones I know do this. They think I am BORING lol.
Creating a diversion. Age old tactic. Very effective unless you are wise to it.
It distracts them from their inner emptiness and ugliness. They are escape artists. Lots of them also use things, vacations, parties, addictions to thwart the darkness inside, if that makes sense.
Both Brother, bil & dead spouse are/were like this
Spot on
It can (it DID for me) go beyond merely having to admire them. They will expect you to predict what they want and when they want it. They look for each and every possible way to invalidate you, or be angry with you, or make you second-guess everything that you do, say, or think.
So true. He always expects things to go and be done according to to his liking and if not he comes down heavily on us, berating us on how lazy or selfish or how he was the only one trying while we are also tired and exhausted from the demands of our own lives and duties. It's like living in a pressure cooker
That was my old narc boss. He went into such a vile narcissistic rage that he physically assaulted me. I ended up suing and winning but the trauma lingered for a long time.
Dr. Carter is amazing, so insightful and intellectual, and understands deeply where the narcissist is coming from. Once you understand, then you don’t have to be a victim to the narcissist. You don’t have to take the blame for the narcissist’s weakness.
Susileedean,Hope you are not with a narcissist 😈!
“Come into my parlour” said the spider, to the fly. Shame we dont work it out beforehand. So devastating.
This is so spot on. I know someone exactly like this. Always justifying their bad decisions and then have an attitude and go silent for weeks and then would try to re enter my space.
I rely on my instinct more and more to avoid unpleasant people or narcs. When the fight or flight response kicks in, it’s time to walk away and avoid all contact.
I used to tell my now ex husband that we're not enemies or in a competition. We're supposed to be a team. Never ever felt that way to me because he just could never see it that way!
Oh how many times did I use those exact words to my husband. He could never understand - he had absolutely no sense of collaboration. His parents were always at each other’s throats so no surprise really. What a truly sad situation, what a truly sad man. I just feel sadness now.
True that!
Said those same words to my narc many times as well! He was never working with me, he was always against me. I would tell him a relationship isn't a competition and he would come back with "quit making it one, then." Beyond frustrating that they are so blind to their own behaviors that are causing the problems.
Narcissists sometimes talk about working as a team, but for them "team" means "I'm the captain, you do as I say!"
@@caseyseeger1628 Reading your words opened up again for me that black pit of despair that I used to get when he would behave in such an unjust and totally absurd way. I realise now that there was never any hope for him.
I have just ended a 3+ year relationship with a covert narcissist. I am desperately trying to get my head straight. This video gave me such insight!
Theres nothing wrong with you ! I'm telling you the truth
Yeah, I was wondering many years why WE don‘t have Friends anymore together as a married couple..After learning what narcissism means, I now know why.
I don't even try anymore. I leave him to his relationships and have my own.
I noticed that too. Some people dropped off when we first met, then more after we married, then the rest after we had a child.
@@joanlynch5271 and Sharon B: It is so sad, isn‘t it?! Even his family avoid visiting US. Well, MY friends and family stay true to me. And I treasure them very much for doing so.
Narcissists always make enemies
upon whom the blame is laid @_@
They don't have friends, they only have victims and accomplices. Need time out because a loved one passed away? You're now an enemy.
You won't do something for them because you're not sure if you're going to be available? You're now an enemy.
Try and have a fair conversation, like two adults, over needing time out and it's not personal, you just need time out? You're now an enemy.
Did they intentionally forget your birthday after gushing over it for weeks beforehand, but you didn't take the bait and ignored the fact they 'forgot' it was birthday? You're now an enemy.
When they gave you the silent treatment because taking time out for yourself wasn't allowed and you carried on with your life as if you never noticed they were giving you the silent treatment? You're now an enemy.
Did you offer them some advice instead of agreeing with everything they said? You're now an enemy.
GET OUT and STAY OUT of their way. I know Narcissists are said to suffer, but making us suffer alongside them is NOT okay. We deserve better.
Personally I prefer the monsters that walk on 4 legs they are easier to identify. The tricky thing about the narcissistic person is that they have a head and two arms and two legs just like everyone else.
My experience of a female narc (ex-wife) is that their brain filters information so they only hear compliments, they simply do not hear any information which would make them reflect and self-criticize. My experience of a female narc is that she was totally incapable of making any mental connection between her behaviour and other peoples' reaction to her behaviour. She was totally unable to recognize herself as the cause of other peoples' negative reaction to her, she had no insight into herself so she blamed everyone other than herself for everything.
She's now 55 years old and she's lost every job she's ever had because she has a very high opinion of herself and she can't understand why nobody else does. For 20 years she was telling me she was suffering from stress because people at work were giving her a hard time, then I found out that she was telling the people at work that she was suffering from stress because I was giving her a hard time at home. She does not see any hypocrisy in her lies because she believes her own lies.
@Mary Carroll with friends like that, who needs enemies? I had one like that too, but she started coming around too much, and oops I found out who she really is underneath the performance.
Simple. They're looking for applause from their crew when they enjoyably hurt torture or kill these "enemies". It gives them supply.
He'd always say, "FINE, YOU WIN. 😡"
I'd tell him I didn't care about winning. We were on the same team and I want us both to win but he truly made it black & white, him against me.
He didn't know me at ALL. Come to find out~ this is normal for a narcissist. To not know you, not WANT to know you, ever and at all.
Glad I'm out. Almost 3 years!!!! Praise God!!
Thank you! A million times thank you! These videos have explained so much. I spent many decades of my life with a narcissist. He was able to destroy my life and the lives of my two daughters. We all are still in
therapy due to his abuse. I'm so sorry I wasted so much time with this horrible person.
My heart is with you as you and your daughters continue your journey. Dr. C
You are still alive! You still have hope for joy and peace in the future. Even if he destroyed you, you can rise back up again. You and your daughters are still alive, and can be stronger than you were before. You can empathize with and inspire others with your experiences. It takes time to heal. For me, my faith in Jesus has helped me to recover and move on, and I don’t know if I could’ve done it without Him.
Don't apologise for what you went thru. NEVER apologise for your horrible experience at the hand of a narc abuser. It was NOT your fault.
Years ago, my narcissistic brother and I were in the Amway business. One of the components of the Anyway culture is that the person who sponsors you into the business provides training and leadership to help you succeed.
One day, our sponsor told me that he gave up on trying to provide guidance to my brother, saying he was "unteachable". And indeed he was!
Whoa I feel like we're related （extended family...I'm not your brother 😅）
My mother was a narcissist. As I grew up and became a woman, she felt threatened because she liked to be the centre of attention and the attention turned to me. She spent the rest of her life telling lies about me, bad mouthing me and telling all the family that I am a dreadful, cold person.
My mother felt the same about me and sabotaged and betrayed me. I am not in contact with anyone who maintains a relationship with her bc of her seeping toxicity and the flying monkeys.
Mine did all that and more. Her favorite game was sicking my enabling father on me like a dog. They actually get other ppl to do their dirty work. There is nothing they won’t do to win. They would actually enjoy watching you suffering
My mother has gaslighted me since I was a little girl. She has no idea about gaslighting. For three days after I talk to her I feel horribly 🤢 yucky. Same with my daughter. So I have disengaged from them. It is hard some days, but it is peaceful. I thank God for that! I watch these videos to remind myself not to become like them. I have always been pretty good at taking blame, so I don't think I really am the narcissist, but I don't want to absorb any of these tendencies.
Julie Basco,You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
Yeah. Sometimes when you have your children around them, they tend to act like that as well.
@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you, Christian.
Not every day is the same with the Narcissist. When at it’s worst it shows there is so much bad going on inside of them
Cheryl Thir,You are beautiful 🌹🌹,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
@@christianpulisic7784 you are correct & Thank You
@@cherylthir6381 You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌹.I am Christian from the States.You?
@@christianpulisic7784 yes! America 🇺🇸
@@cherylthir6381 Wow!!😍😍😍😍😍😍,are you on Hangouts or Gmail so we can always talk?
They cannot say sorry.
They are vindictive.
I sincerely need to tell you that that's why I consider you the Rolls-Royce in your profession, one of the most admired vehicles, because your assessments about a narcissist are always bullseye. How do I know it? Because it's like as if you have been here in my home watching everything that has happened to me. May God bless you for all you do to help all of us who go through and survive this trauma.
I have the same feeling...he's talking right to me about my life!!
I agree with you, I just started following few people on UA-cam but of all the speakers only he gives me all answers that I need to know
You are a wise and naturally healing soul’..Dr Carter, respect to you.
I too admire his professionalism. He's in a league of his own.
I feel the same way and can relate as if he’s visiting my situation at my hone. Dr. C. Is so spot on. I appreciate him very much.
I think they do this to keep up their narcissistic supply.
Always easier to blame someone else instead of looking to yourself and to blame yourself.
That is something any type of narcissist will never do, self reflection.
Agree with that. And I always think of John Cleese's monologue about extremism whenever I hear this stuff because it's spot on.
Yeah, I think the enemy's fear or anger is another form of supply because it gives the N supply.
Absolutely right. Lack of insight and victim status. Two giant red flags going hand-in-hand.
Absolutely. That is why most of the time when all of their adult children after leaving home [unless those adult children have no choice to because they are beggars or they are being required to by law instead of leaving a parent to end up loosing the family farm or die on the street] want to spend much time with them anymore then according to them their own children are just as selfish and self centered as their biological parent was with them too.
My boss is a narcissist. She manipulated me and other employees to help her build her business but once done, she fired most of them and the rest, she is torturing with mind games. I want out but I need the job 😔
Start a business.
Take Rachel O’s advice pls!
I worked for a similar person for 12 years. I finally quit at the start of Covid when we were shut down. Despite the scariness of not having a job, (and having her tell future employers what a horrible person I am, as she has said about anyone who she has fired or has quit), I can tell you it was the best decision I ever made. I'd rather be homeless living on the street than be in that toxic work environment any longer. It's not worth it. It is abuse, no matter what the narcissistic relationship. Please just get out. Things will work out and you will be so much happier when you leave. I promise you. I only wish I would have quit sooner.
I did the same for 5 yrs & quit soon after Covid happened. I accepted being abused for earning a paycheck & now I see very clearly that I will NEVER do that to myself again. I went into therapy & read books on Narcissism to support my awareness & self acceptance. Good luck to you & I hope you find a way out soon. Blessings to you & take good care if you.
Make recordings. and sue her for emotional harm
My father is a narcissist. Growing up our family had so many enemies and he still does. I always wondered why there was something wrong with everyone. Now that I am grown I can't think of a single person I regard as an enemy. I try to avoid my dad at all costs now and I am much better for it.
If family or friends knew how vile and hateful my narcissistic sister was to me, they would be shocked! 😱. She told me yesterday she’s never going to see me or talk to me again. Hurrah! 👏🏻👏🏻.Let’s hope she keeps her word.
My farther is narcissist ， he always put himself in victim baby, in his story, his colleagues bully him, even his daughter bully him , my mother always believes him, she try to protect his husband, she never think about why the whole world is husband enemy?!
One of the narcissist's tip offs I've detected is when someone has nothing good say about... anyone. Everyone else in their life is flawed, a disappointment, dishonest, disregulated or out to get them. Like the old adage: If every roommate you've ever had has been terrible maybe it isn't them.
You are so spot on!
This video on narcissists have a voracious hunger for alternate reality. They have no self- reflection on themselves. They must create an enemy for invalidation. They are truly injured souls I have learned to "not play their games". Thank you for your valuable videos 🍿🌤️
Thanks so much for this feedback. Dr. C
And you may be "the only one". Everyone else thinks so highly of the person; the narcissist makes sure of that. A different fake personality for each person they encounter, for every situation. Or extravagant gifts. You just happen to be the unfortunate individual who the narcissist chooses to project onto. Not that anyone would want this, but the narcissist's relationship with you may be the most genuine: the person is showing you who she really is under the disguise.
My sister, I've learned through firsthand experience, is perhaps the worst Narcissist one could never hope to meet. I used to be very confused as to how someone could be so horrible. After suffering so much that I literally am unable to sleep much anymore, ruminating and reliving all the things that she has done and does, I have also learned through videos like yours more insight on what I am dealing with. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience as I have found it to be right on the money. I am trying to survive everyday and it is getting hard to deal with. She is so dishonest and greedy, she is financially manipulating me and drainng my resources. I feel like I need help and have no where to turn.
I remember a new friend who was a narc. I barely knew him and after the love-bomb stage was frequent conflict over trivial matters. I don't have the investment in the relationship to fight and was at first confused, then later fed up. t was the weirdest three months.
When you consider your feelings towards the ex narcs in your life can you ever recall feeling respect? It's one emotion I can't ever say I felt.
AND THEY BLAMESHIFT IT ALL ON YOU!!!!!!!! THEY DO NOT NOTICE NOR ACCEPT ANY BLAME!!! YOU YOU YOU ARE "THE PROBLEM, THAT'S WHAT’S WRONG!! YOU!!!!!!!"ALTERNATE REALITY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT
They'll take credit...but they won't take blame...classic Narc!
Just attempted to make friends with a narcissist and it was a disaster. The end of it was my fault of course.
‘They are not likeable people’. Maybe that is the problem. I kept trying to teach them of the need to change, got angry, all the usual reactions. It is owning the loss, that this was a terrible investment that adds to the absurdity of finally running away
When arguing over something, narcissists bring in stuff that happened years ago and should be long forgotten. But not for narcissists - they want to taint you and if it takes reminding you something you said or did decades ago then so be it!
OMG! This is spot on. I've been dealing with this all my life with my mother. There are five of us kids and each one of us has to take our turn being the bad guy in my mothers eyes.