The #1 Concern That Bothers Every Single Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 30 чер 2021
- While narcissism is displayed in many ways, there is one primary driving force that keeps the pattern alive. Dr. Les Carter identifies the single most significant concern that every narcissist has, then discusses how to interpret the behaviors and attitudes that go along with it. Knowledge is power, and as you understand what worries narcissists most, you can become poised to respond wisely to their tactics.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Anyone in a a relationship with narcissist CANNOT speak their feelings. They don't care. If they ask, or listen to you, it is to use as a "weapon" later to derail you. Narc's don't get it. Best thing a person should do when in a marraige to a narc, buy some luggage, pack it and leave.
Bullseye !
I can't believe my narcissist wife is moving out . MIRACLE
@@bigroller - yaaaaay you! 🎉🎈🎉 You must've done a fabulous job at gray rocking her. Way to go. I've been doing that to my husband quite a bit: acting boring, I also stopped being his N. feed which forces him to seek it elsewhere, etc., etc. In my case it's safer to get him to think he wants to leave me. Almost there 😁😊😁
Oh my god. 100%. This video really hits home. Lived this for 46 years
You have said a mouthful, this describes my husband to a T.
I have found to be the happiest when the narc is not around.
Me too and it breaks my heart
They are demons, they are not happy if they are not causing chaos for their families, but to other people they show a different face. If people only knew what they are dealing with 🙄
Oh you bet I am happier now!!!!
Yep they are easier to not deal with
It is heartbreaking. I miss him but I'm so happy without him around. 😢 Usually missing someone means you want them here. Ugh
It doesn’t matter what you say or do. Compliment, lift up, give attention, praise, recognition, accolades etc. it’s never enough. It’s never good enough. These people are impossible to deal with and they incapable of changing.
@LeeAnn...you are exactly right...and that is why I can to the conclusion to just STOP trying to do all those things and just do me and make me happy.. They are miserable people and they need those devilish spirits cast out.
Well they crave all these things they are very suspicious about genuine compliments I guess that's because they know they're hollow.
So right!! It's never, ever enough. Narcs deplete your very soul, energy, confidence, & happiness if you let them. My advice, never let them, & ignore, ignore, ignore!!! Give them absolutely nothing!!!
I have a narc friend. All she does is talk about herself for hours on end on the phone. Then she hangs up without a
Thought to ask me how I am. Just wrong
Facts!!
i was born into a narcissistic family, there was no love. i left my family behind at the age of 46. they hate it. i love it.
Can I leave? I am struggling
Totally relate.
Their image means more to them than relationships. As long as they can control their script to benefit them, all is good.
Exactly. You hit the nail on the head.
The ex husband was like that. He used us as the portrait family. The last therapist told us that he needed to be in control. She said money. Yet it seems like we were to serve him.
That’s why it’s important for us to leave the narc as soon as possible because our staying gives them credibility to the outside world.
@@kirbyaugustine761 So true!!
@@susanmunoz7688 they are emotional vampires like my narcissistic mother.they target your weak points.i have bursting anger sometimes for her but i am helpless and powerless.i prayed to lord shree sainath by that i go no contact with her
"They ignore your boundaries and try to superimpose their boundaries on you." Doc, truer words never spoken. Kings and Queens of hypocrisy.
Do you think if I gave in to the demands of the narcissist? They would leave me and my friends alone? Its like they say one thing but then behind your back mean something else. Dr C advice has been very good. If I follow his advice then I should not give in. I should keep fighting to be me?
I tried everything ignoring,grey rock but all failed.verbal threat increasing day by day.but now i praying to lord sainath after that emotional torture stopped.but now i praying to him that i can go full no contact with my narcissistic mother
@@asleighchauncey8751 hang in there. Keep gray rocking. DR Carter made a video about how they will come after you hard when you cut them off. Stay strong. I am going through the same thing. My stuff gets moved. Hole put in my tire hole in my mattress. Battery in my car messed with. They keep trying to make you go crazy. Best advice I can give is watch all the videos you can from DR Carter and DR RAMANI. He explains how to deal with what's going on. Dr R teaches us about who they are.
@@danchandler7112 you tell me to deal with a tigress yes brother my narcissist mother is exactly like a tigress.she intentionally provokes you by using your weak points especially which areas are your weak points.but still if you dont respond she tells me that she dont give me meals,she sent me to asylum and give electric shock and more tortures.After hearing such serious verbal threats i assume no humans remain calm and silent how much strong they are.i also stand up for myself and sets clear rules with her and very polite way but still fails.yesterday she tells me to get out myself from her home
The one who says you don't tell adults what to do, them turns around and tells me what to do. Total hypocrite.
We all struggle w being irrelevant, but we dont go around abusing and using others.
Except, once we realize how needed we are, how our divine connection with Abba, in our HEART of hearts fills us more than any other imaginable treasure on EARTH! could ever procure or satisfy the divinity of His own pure soul, within us all. If only...
@@beyourself9162 so very true...
You are right
@@theresefournier3269 Yes ! When Jesus stretched out His hands to be nailed to the cross it’s like He was saying, “ I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH ❣️”
@@christinahall2587 and so do i, love you that much... agapoe!
Narcs fear being ousted as the imposter. Do not underestimate their evil. Run for your life.
This is not evil, it is fear. It is actual attempt to survive. Imagine - it would be like reaching Helen Keller, if you could find a way to bridge the communications gap.
Yep. Jezebel Spirits
@@TessBoze We all have the power on a daily basis to bring a tiny piece of joy to the people we meet. A kindness, a thought for others, a joke, an encouraging word. You can alter and ruin a person's day by the words you choose. It is your choice. That is the magic of your words and deeds. What does the narc choose? To humiliate, belittle, degrade, shame. To control, manipulate, ignore, dismiss. To love bomb, gaslight, ghost. It is endless. The narc chooses evil, enjoys and strives to bring about destruction, your destruction. Time to call them out.
@@TessBoze Fear is their motivation but their actions imposed on others is evil.
In the age of narcissism, there sadly isn't anywhere to run. We must outlaw narcissitic abuse!
Indifference to a narcissist is a beautiful place to be. Shaking the dust off my feet, and goodbye! I'm headed to Indifferenceville, state of Healthy.
😀😀
"Once you see it, you can't unsee it..."
🎯💯
They are paranoid about what other people think of them.
That's my mother to a tee. As well as the inability to comprehend that most people aren't thinking about them at all.
Regular people with self esteem issues have that trait as well
Very true.
@@hadessimpett6477 Yes but I think that person is referring to someone who's concerned with their public image. They need to save face, self-preserve, and will do it any cost.
I DO have low self esteem and I too often have this i my head "are they thinking bad of me?" But I don't believe it's like with a narcissist, mine is a defeatist position, that when it happens, I have no hope correct. How could I ever change the impression I'm making. If it's really bad, I'm nervous and clumsy. They good thing is, I have this problems with strangers only, passers by. But I still think people notice me in a negative way and that notice part could be slightly narcissistic.
15 narcissists just downvoted this video. The rest didn't think it was about them.
Getting no attention, no admiration or not having someone to boss around or treat in a condescending way
yes, I wonder too, how it feels to the narcissist, when the fountain of narcissistic supply or fuel trickles away.
I often wonder how they can even like themselves. They have absolutely no self reflection.
And God help you if the people around you are complimentary or admire you in anyway. There face grows dark and cruel!
@@capt.whippersnapper5496 they can't afford a single moment of self reflexion. Such a dark and scary place to peer into, full of monsters, memories, pain, humiliation, etc. That's why they work so hard to build and maintain a believable exterior
@@mariaawake4502They just move on to new supply people. Over and over and....
Narcissists are competitive HATERS. They are filled with hate, they hate people, even the ones that adore them. They want to stay relevant at your expense- they want you to fail in life, so in comparison they can look like ‘winners’. And let’s not forget the endless bragging, always ‘I’m better then you’, look how amazing I am’. They stay relevant by bragging, putting people down, and expecting endless admiration for the lies and exaggerations they tell. They also love making others feel jealous and envious of them, this is what makes them high. I agree, the only way to beat the narcissist is to act ‘indifferent’, be polite, but remain cold and keep responses short, give very little of your time, and no effort, even better go no contact.
wow.
You have no idea how what you said will help me in dealing with my narcissist.
@Carol JL Wife That's good karma for you!!! I believe your financial successes are due to your decision to be free from someone who mistreated you. Comfort usually gravitates towards peacefulness....God Bless you!!
That's so true, great advice, by the way.
I agree with your comments. And I do all of the above. Narc gets nothing from me. I barely say "hello". Narcissistic people are awful, hideous, creatures, everywhere, all the time. They can never change. Only get worse.
No Contact......
I finally after 27 years I was able to pack and move in one day. I actually felt I was running for my life. I have cancer. Never had any compassion. Now I can heal . I will never allow anyone to treat me like this. He has lost his family because of the way he treated me. Moving on to a wonderful life.
I feel you I went to cancer too recovered and I I got Lyme .. he was cruel and horrible until I caught him with another women and finally he left the house now I have to divorcing him. I know I will heal now. Hope you are doing great 👍🏻
That's exactly what I noticed in growing up. I was a scapegoat because I dared to have my own thoughts and feelings that didn't always agree with them. I wanted kindness and love, they didn't have it and loved their snarkiness and hated anyone who told them they were acting badly. It was shocking when I grew up and realized what I grew up with was terrible. They acted in these mean ways into their old age without empathy or kindness to those they deemed inferior to them, that was me, the inferior. Once I realized this I was able to move on without any sadness, in fact I ran and all the joy rushed back into my soul. The narcissists hated that I determined my own life my own way.
Good for you!🌹
Ditto. You stated it well
"Be not dismayed for I have overcome the world-"
I too would feel shock & horror at the realization of just how expansive the scapegoating & all the rest of it was- had this scripture pinned above my kitchen sink for the longest time trying for sanity - my dad came by once I think out of curiosity as I quit taking the bate & backed away ' not sure what I felt when he saw this ..... that maybe there's someone out there who gives a darn & it ain't him -
@@jennyanderson4796 It's possible the Holy Spirit is evident in His Own scriptures and it frightens those who are not born again. I have had people back up from me while I was being friendly and kind, even ladies pulling their tops together that were too revealing even though I was kind and friendly saying nothing about their clothing. Unbelievers can sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. They think something about us makes them uneasy, but it's not us. John the Baptist was in his mother's womb when he sensed the Holy Spirit in Jesus Christ in his mother's womb. The Holy Spirit is very powerful, when He is removed from the world all hell will break lose like nothing anyone has ever seen. The Holy Spirit is called "The Restrainer", He restrains evil which is why the world cannot touch the believer, our bodies can be attacked but our Spirit cannot be touched.
The best response is no response, be the grey rock and have a silent “I don’t give a s%@# about you” attitude 🤪
Is it better to not respond to texts or black them? It's an x best friend that lives one door down.
Even that can back fire on you because unfortunately you do care. Just take good care of your health.
@@avanellehansen4525 Yes, block them from your life completely. It might be so bad that you have to move. I have a garage so my narcissist ex friend doesn't really know for sure if I'm home or not.
Im learning the Grey Rock Method and it feels so good. Him ghosting me hurt like hell years ago with a baby on my side he told me he wanted a family. Lied to my face about cheating where my daughter caught him and he uses the court house for the shit show of embarrassing lies and slander on me.. Smh Grey Rock my loves it really does work
@@brittanyjulien252 my narc husband lied to me too about wanting a family before we married. When our first and only baby was born, he wanted nothing to do with her except use her for photo ops or when he's feeling sentimental that he actually has a child. I'm seriously a single parent even though he's around. When she was a newborn he was seriously jealous of her, and still is!
You can be completely in love with a narcissist and they will abuse you in every way possible until they become irrelevant to you.
Or more likely, you to them.
Yea first i thought my thoughts about him killed the love i used to have.... Bec. I could not get over easily of the Abuse... And my memories of unpleasant situations with him grew bigger.
But then a good friend pointed out that he has killed my love for him, bec. of the way he treated me. Made perfect sense
Amen
Omg yes
So they project that fear of being irrelevant on to you. In order to increase their sense of self-worth, they have to lower yours.
"They have to be the most relevant person in the room." This is why they work to drive away your support system, family, friends. If they can keep you alone and afraid of them leaving, then they get to be relevant to your very existence.
Interestingly I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 4 years and she was very sociable and did not drive off family and friends. She was a Libra and ESTP character/temperament type. Not all narcs do that and yes she was no doubt a narcissist all other characteristics. Years before her I was with a narcissist for 4 years and she was the type to drive away friends and family. She was an Aries with E/I STJ-MBTI type. I guess it also depends on what makes the individual narc feel dominant or in control/relevant.
Sooner or later they will end up on there alone because the new supplies will get fed up of them and leave them
So TRUE!!! I got caught up In that trap for 13yrs...Thank God I Am Out Now!!!
NARCS want to be the boss but don't want the accountability and responsibility that goes with it.
NARCS want IT BOTH WAYS. WIN WIN.
IN THE OLD DAYS the saying went like this.
"You WANT YOUR CAKE and EAT IT TOO".
I now understand why my husband keeps his 'work life' and 'private life' separate...In work he's bubbly, always telling jokes, his colleague's want to be around him...yet at home with me, he's controlling, gaslighting, plays the victim, guilt tripping me and uses manipulation. I didn't see any of this until we got married and I gave up my home (unbeknownst to me) and moved into his house. This is the change and behaviour I saw. I came across surviving narcissism by accident. I'm so glad because it's helped a lot to see exactly what's been going on.
In this day and age, if you have a separate home, it’s best to keep it if you can afford to …married or not. Regardless, of the fact, you can still get another home if you have to. 🤷🏽♀️
The hardest thing is to state and believe that you have worth, on your own, without money, without status, without a family's support. In your own right.
I am doing just that post -narc relationships, and most of my years are gone. If theres a rebirth i hope I can take along what ive learned with me, God willing.
Never try to expose a narcissist. They will ruin your life and turn everyone away from you.
They turn everyone against you anyway..expose, expose, expose..those who are your true friends will remain your friend
They will do that anyway.
Im soo lost..
But with all due respect even if they turn everybody away from you I'm saying this to you sincerely from my heart obviously those people are not worthy of having you in their life stop and really think about it cuz I'm in the exact same situation who cares if they are not willing to stand up for you stop and think about it they're not worthy of being around you they're really not they're going to believe in narcissist or they're going to believe anybody else they're going to listen to gossip you got to be kidding me I'm saying that you with major respect surely cuz I'm going to that in this building that I moved into two years ago and he became the caretaker here 2 years ago - 2 months so in other words I was here two months before he became the caretaker and he has turned every single body against me I don't know them they don't know me and you know what I don't care because they don't know me and if they listen to gossip from the caretaker and are not willing to say yeah no I'll make my own decisions on you know what she's like they're not going to get a decrease in their rent serious they're too busy kissing his ass for what what are they getting out of it anyhow I'm good I'm really good cuz honestly I really don't like knowing my neighbors because I don't like doing the coffee cup thing coffee time I'm not saying I'm hating on him or nothing like that you know I'll say hello whatever but I don't get friendly with my next door neighbors now people in the next building sure no problem but not where I live it's too close for comfort I like my space and I'm being 100% honest with you I don't care cuz what are they doing for me not a thing
That may be true thats why you need a circle of support outside of there reach
Everyone has fear, but narcissists have full of hidden fears.
Thats only because they have done & said horrible things
Millions of fear don't want people to know how poor and pitiful he really is
"Distrust all in whom the desire to punish is strong"
The thing that bugs me is everyone is a favor machine to them
I am divorcing my narc after 33 years and it’s a nightmare. If anybody is with one as described in these excellent videos then run,run,run
I feel so hurt when people don't listen. It's lonely.
A narcissist will never truly listen to you
"Feeling irrelevant." That's why the best thing is to move on and not look back. Don't fuel them. Let them feel your absensce. You get to find yourself again, heal, and improve. They are stuck being a miserable person.
My malignant, abusive older brother moved far away within months of me implementing the gray rock technique and calmly asserting a few boundaries. Literally quit 2 jobs, packed up all his stuff, and moved to live near his adult daughter and her family. Showing minimal or no interest in his monologues, no emotional response to his stories of triumphing over his "idiot" bosses, and calm indifference to his abusive tirades made his head explode.
Utter indifference is their kryptonite.
@@eurokay4755 it takes a minute to get there with the utter indifference but it's so freeing. I still get hooked but am recovering quicker and quicker. I try to remember they're not actually human beings, more like androids trying to pretend they're human 😊
@@kelpie1 Yes, as Sam Vaknin said in one of his videos : 'There's nobody home'. We think they are humans but actually there's no human being inside.
@@krisztina442 They are great actors but they can't hide the crazy. It leaks out on the regular. But most people just look away
@@kelpie1 Unfortunately the fact that most people look away is exactly what enables narcissism. They know they will get away with everything as most of us hate conflicts. I agree, sooner or later their mask falls off and their real character is shown because it's extremely difficult (impossible) to pretend forever.
Narcissus hate me because I know them. It's no fun.
There are just too many.
I am a truth teller. 😔😔😔
They HATE me too. It's hard to not see or know, once you know...
And once you know the real them you can see how extremely pathetic they are
@@Nahisandoval they always leave me feeling broken and pathetic. Part of me can't stand to be near them and part of me cries for their pain. It's almost feels like they transfer some of their slime and heaviness on me.
The thing that bothers me the most is the happiness he gets from seeing me suffer. Why am I staying with someone who has underlying hatred for me? Everyone thinks that he loves me. I'm thinking " you have no idea".
They will suck the joy out of anything that you might bring you happiness, and then watch to see how you react. It's absolutely crazy!
@@aneda7791 crazy and cruel. Run as soon as we can.
Spot on 👌
I knew exactly when we stopped being good for each other, and tried to leave several times after that. Yes, we were good for each other for a while; he could not accept that I was no longer good for him (meaning that the good I did for him was very temporary) or that I might be better off without him. Please keep your best situation as the priority! because he won't.
This is so very truthful - and exactly my experience
Life is too short to engage with people who have insanely bad karma. Run the other way before they dump it all on you.
This. It’s not that we fear them, it’s just that they are so hopeless, disregulated, and a major time and energy suck. Life’s too short for these misfits.
Lol
I was sadly born into it and was nearly completely erased before escaping.
They are always acting one way publicly, but sneaking and lying/slandering behind the scenes, spinning tangled webs of lies and deceit....even IF they are acting unconsciously, ie projecting, somewhere deep inside, it has to niggle at their conscience because one false move or lie uncovered and they're trapped and having to face the truth/reality. must feel terrible.
I like your expression 'tangled webs of lies'. It tells everything, they are probably always afraid of being exposed. How miserable it can be!
@@krisztina442 but still probably not as miserable as they make other people. although the state of environment/house of the person I am thinking of definitely signals their mind is in chaos, maybe because their lies and deception have been piling up for 6 years now, including self-deception
@Pedro Ivan Sanchez like I heard someone experienced with narcissism say recently: I don't want to get too deep into their mind because it can be a very dark place. empathy sucks sometimes! which reminds me, the narc I am thinking of, told me once that "you can't have empathy if you haven't actually BEEN in someone's shoes" - like literally they claim that unless you ARE the person in question, if you haven't actually BEEN in their shoes, you can't PUT yourself in their shoes. The same person also gets incensed when you tell them they have no empathy.
I don't know how they could keep up with what they say to different people. That alone would drive me crazy. I wonder if there is a narcissist with split personality? My ex had 2 personalities, seem to besides uncontrollable angre and would change in a second even where he worked at.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 ha! Mine too!
Seems like narcissists want more than being relevant, they want to feel superior, dominant and powerful. They are not happy just be relevant and wanted like the rest. They want to be wanted the most, being the most precious.
My ex narc once called me a “simp” proving being a normal person is his worst insult
Agree!
I’m on my 2nd child with one and feel so low sometimes… Pretty much ghosts me. But I’m in this pregnancy alone a 2nd time. He is just the way you describe in this video. Complete jealousy, lied and very very secretive. Faked in front of others but abused me behind closed doors…
This definitely has brought me closer to God, and still drawing me. Pray for me ❤️
You asked... so you have received. Know you are loved by God. You are never alone. God is with you. When you love others, you are like God.
Oh Jacquira! I'm praying for God to guide you towards forming healthy, supportive relationships with safe people who believe in God, who can support you spiritually & emotionally, in addition to this online community of survivors!
I pray for Jesus to help heal your heart so you will grow stronger in not allowing abusive words into your heart or mind.
I'll be praying God makes a way for you to leave your abusive Narc at the right time when your children are a bit older -- because no child should be exposed to seeing their mother abused, and the toxic cycle of abuse needs to be broken so they don't mimic the abuse into their own adult relationships.
May you feel God's presence over you and His strength pouring into you.
Seek joy in the little things & delight in your children. Your Narc is an angry, wounded child -- and we cannot allow an angry toddler's toxicity to destroy our God-given birthright of joy in life.
Sending you & your children love, joy, and peace as God's special creation❣
@@melissam.6054 Slowly and whenever you can, make secret plans to get you and your babes away in good time. Take care of yourself and them - and recognise now you are a threesome not a foursome. Do stay strong. HUGS!
Oh sweetheart. Get out if you can. You know what's worse is being alone with a man then actually being alone xx
Save, save, save, plan YOUR future with your children, keep watching this channel. My last child is 23 now, the day after an emergency c section he was dumping our two older children at my sisters for a 24 hour drinking session...i could fill a book about all that hes done, hes far more important than his own kids. All three of mine wonder why im still with him. Good luck
To a narcissist, it's better to be disliked, or even hated, than ignored.
You nailed it !
That’s why grey rock method is so sufficient.
How true, they don't care what reaction they get from you, just the fact that you are engaging with them is enough, it's proof to themselves they are still Relevant.
@@ginabrnhrst5830 amen to that ! Don’t engage !
Although separated from time to time he writes (i never answer). Yesterday he wrote exactly this " i hate so much that I cannot get your attention anymore! As if I were not important!" Hahahaha...exactly! Not important at all!!😅
This makes sense. Maybe the first person a narcissist gaslights is themself
They are Self-deceived. They are their own fool, king of their own sh*t-mountain, LOL!
⁵sept: perhaps this is why they refer to a narc as having a false self.
You present your messages perfectly! I’ve learned a lot from you. I dealt with a narcissist recently who wanted to date me. He said something very immature and offensive. He’s 57, not 17. When I called him on it, he told me not to get “butt hurt”. I told him he wasn’t special enough to hurt me. 😂
Carol Whelan,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
I told one he was too predictable; that was tough for him 😄
Mine acts 14.
Thanks for sharing, Carol. I am working to be as emotionally healthy as you. You and Dr. Les are both jewels in a world full of rubble.
Fantastic reply!
I've felt like such a fool for falling for and getting caught up in the relationship I had. I'm not a kid. But I had no idea what I was involved in. It's kinda scary looking back on it all. That I could allow someone to have this kind of control over me. Thanks to you and a couple others I have learned a lot.
Yes, I made the same experience. I always thought of myself as an analytical, rational person and I ended up being totally controlled by this narcissist. Their manipulation is very difficult to detect and happens gradually. I saw the narc´s behaviors as odd, but described it more as quirky and did not want to appear judgmental. Very difficult to recognize, if you lack the knowledge.
@Mary Carroll , sounds like you have a good plan.
You are not alone in that feeling.
I think this is what really gets to me the most! I hardly know him and in my heart I was not attracted in any way, Dumb double DUMB! 8 days into this lie the mask started showing. Thank to Dr. Carter and other’s I now see the truth
@Mary Carroll thanks for your kind words. It’s almost like we’re all in a sisterhood .
My narc mother used to refuse to sign my report cards. I almost always got straight A's, and I couldn't understand why she'd delay signing it and get me in trouble. This happened so many times!!
It all makes sense with this explanation. She's out of my life completely now... whee! Freedom is priceless!
Such evils on a child, and why? For what?
It’s insanity.
I don’t know how to deal with my mom at times. Many times I would feel guilty for not spending time with her or ignoring her calls. It makes me sad and also concerned because she is my mom and I her to be happy, healed and love a long life. I believe her and her husband (not my dad) are covert narcs or something close to it
I think I always saw that in him and tried to work with him. But being what he was, mean, hard and degrading . I won’t be around to help or be used much longer. My time with this sad angry person has run out. I was put on this earth for good not waisted time as a dartboard. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Susan Munoz, A dartboard. Well put!
@@notagain779 thank You
@Mary Carroll
I see you've been here! I just sent you this link! Lol! :) :) Small world, isn't it? :)
@Mary Carroll
Sounds pretty interwoven. I knew a huge clan like that growing up, centered on 2 intermarried families, and 7 other families intermarried with the kids, hard to keep track, unless you grew up with them to see the add-ons over time, and to learn who was who. It was extremely interwoven! Did you know I was in Arizona? :) If you ever want to give your mind a rest, I have beautiful scenery playlists of this region and the west. :) Being a cheerful person, they specialize on the happy. :) That and music and empathy regarding animals. :)
Exactly same here it was terrible!!!
They're afraid of being irrelevant because they are. They know they don't have an authentic relationship with themselves much less other people. They all have attachment disorders. Once that is understood it makes more sense how they move on to new supply so quickly.
Attachment disorder caused by early childhood development from a narcissistic parent's neglect!
Attachment disorders.👍 That puts it all in perspective it takes the condemnation off you.
@@123raven4 thank you for that
@@marymastandrea2640 your very welcome!
Very good learning
Their true self being revealed....
I was going to say exposure. I kinda did that to one a couple of weeks ago. Just me and him, but I told him the truth. Not as much truth as I wanted to, because I flew off the handle when he lied to my face, twice, about verifiable facts. I basically treated/talked to him exactly the way he's treated/talked to me until I went no contact in 2018...with contempt. Might not have been "big" of me, but fk it, it needed to be said.
She McGee Well done.. You were being true to yourself. Best to get out early...😘
I have a theory they all have a core belief that makes them believe they are better than everyone else. But what happens if the core belief is exposed as being false?
@@simplyauthentic2022 They deny, make up more lies, and destroy anyone calling them out.
@@strumminronin true, but what if no one believes them? Wishful thinking.
Your problem of “irrelevance “ is not my job to cure. That should not only be said to the narc but is the foundation of freedom from their games
They don't realize that it's normal to agree to disagree, no matter what kind of a relationship a narcissist gets into.
It our new administrations way.
They don't care to realize, it's all about them.
What others will think of them if they find out who they really are
There's one man in my street he recons narc lovely . He said known him 20 years . I laughed so much . The deluded man . You don't know him . It's amazing how people reckon they know narcs the charm way . Bloody good actors they are .
Alot of their friends are narcissist
In meeting new people, one thing to watch out, some who might interrupt your sentences may just have short attention spans and are just exuberant, but otherwise are totally caring friendly outgoing non-narcissistic types. Now… if someone is interrupting you to talk about how awesome they are or diminish your contributions… 🚨NarcAlarm!🚨
Exactly. Interrupting is my adhd thing. I'm definitely not a narc. It's always a colossal accident 😆
Yes we must stand against toxic friends that treat us like they don't care about us..We must really take care ourselves 👍
Ummm toxic friends? Isn't that an oxymoron? I don't keep toxic friends and if you don't mind please allow me to teach you a very important fact one of my best friends taught me:. You can count them on One hand......the people you can count on through thick and thin you can count on one hand. If you need two then you're a hellava person
They don't care, they're toxic!! Remember?
The #1 concern that bothers every single narcissist is to be uncoverd his/her real nature - wolf's nature that is hidden below "a mask" of a kind, nice and highly appreciated person and this truth to be exposed to others. Then, narc's carefully "cultivated" an amazing image will be destroyed. Dr. Carter, I am looking forward to your video lesson!
You have a cool name.
You said it. What's amazing is how fake that image really is.
@@ozarkprepper1718 Thank you.🙋♀️
@@wifferstess2824Apsolutely!
And yet you are hearing listening to what bothers them. Hmmm.
This sums up every narcissist (four people) I've ever known! "Your selfishness wears me out." This video is my favorite! Thank you so much; it explains so much to me.
There waiting for you to come round to bully when they have no one else left to bully
co-workers...
I married into a family of 4 of them. Didn't understand for years what was actually happening. Finding out is freeing
4? You've only known 4? Lucky you!
I unfortunately have had two parents that are narcissist . Usually it’s mom or dad not both that are “ nuttier than squirrel turds “ !!! Lucky me . My favorite saying to describe them is “ they want to be the Bride at every wedding and the Corpse at every funeral “ .
Beware when they finally need you they won't be honest with you. And then you'll start looking back at your whole life.
Hahaha.
In plain sight, they r embarrassing to be around...
Me too. Isn’t life grand?
Quote: “ they want to be the Bride at every wedding and the Corpse at every funeral “
Hilarious and true, SO funny! Lol, :)
RUN, JUST RUN !
GET AWAY FROM THEM
Their reputation
My Narc Sister stopped contacting me almost a year ago…..I have finally learned how to focus on myself for a Change. God will remove people from your life when these people try to keep you down & change you!
I was given the gift of Hyper Vigilance from a traumatic event when I was almost killed by him. It changed me, I’ve gone through counseling locally. They are highly dangerous people. This is very serious
Violent, psychologically always, and as you learned the hard way, sometimes physically. I have no doubt that my cousin, the supposedly born again Christian, would kill if he thought it was in his interest and he could get by with it.
I’ve been through with a dangerous one. Self-oriented love is the essential and only cure.
Yes they are dangerous
So many people today are all out for themselves. What happened to honor and integrity. Be brave and walk the spirit you are... thank you Dr.
We do seem to dealing with waves of mass psychosis. So many who should have a healthier relationship with the truth have buckled under the stupidity that is plaguing us.
@@createallow3126, Janice & Mary: yes, a very, very strange time were living in. I don't really understand the masses of people who believe in things that are patently untrue & that have been proven to be false! Social Media has really helped feed the Narcassism pandemic. They've come roaring out from under whatever rock they've been hiding under, in droves.
@@mdee860 so true. It’s like I’m living life in an alternate and alien society .. media itself seems narcissistic in never really making sense and never questioning anything or anybody in ‘aiuthority’ .. and if one calls them out for anything, you are labeled and smeared .. it’s sick
They have one track, narrow minded goals, missing the essence and substance of people and life. In obtaining them, they take others down who, they regard as stupid when they are. They think they are great but just thinking it reeks of insecurity. It depends whose around them as to how long their behavior will go on. Unfortunately, the majority of people are fooled, believe them, and join in on it or are afraid of them. The minority will see them for what they are and fight back...they aren’t afraid, just shocked, and have no point of reference to work off of, except that of a great mental map of what a good life and good people are.
2 Timothy 3
The one thing I have noticed is when someone lies they alot of the time are the loudest and make sure their story gets out first because many people believe the first thing they hear ! And all this lying and getting it out first falls right in line with how a narcissist operates. It also goes hand in hand with with them covering for themselves , anyone who always has to be in control is completely insecure.
Totally what I'm going thru
@@nancythornton2947 I am going through it too!
How can one get away from a narc if they are your childs mother?
@@zacherynagy8445 I have 2 kids with mine, married and working on getting out of it. Technically because you have kids you’ll probably always have to deal with them to some extent. But my guess is that it would require you to “grey rock” that person. Keep all interactions as “surface” as possible and only have conversations that are absolutely necessary. I’m doing this to an extent now even though I’m not fully out of it and it’s definitely helped make things more tolerable for now.
Proverbs 18:17
Simplistic but true: "it's nice to be important, but more important to be nice."
This is the clearest description I've heard of my husband. No wonder there was no way to please him. He sure fooled a lot of people though. Now I receive in all God says about His love for me 😊
I completely get that as I can relate similarly. Take care.
good for you. I just got out of a narc relationship and my peaceful connection to god is coming back fast..I had lost so much due to all the constant negativity with her
Lucky you. My mom thinks she can't leave her narc bc of her faith.
My WORDS. Not hers.
@@williamscott8068 I really struggled with this too, but finally when I did leave God blessed me over and over with small seemingly insignificant events. A prophetic lady who Id never seen before said to me, “ No more trauma, it’s a brand new day”. Another word from a pastor who did not know my situation, included a scripture about, “the winter has passed, the flowers are springing up” so many beautiful blessings came my way, once I made the move to leave. God does not want his children to suffer abuse like this!!!! It goes directly against the scripture that says the husband is to be like Christ is to his bride, the church. XX Bless your Mom. I will pray for her.
@@joannaericksen7728 Thank you.
Every narcissist believe themselves the "superhero" and deserve the perfect "sidekick".
That's a good way to put it! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Sir!
That’s perfectly true! I’ve been that sidekick, seems it’s in my nature. But no more, you can only help them so much. We call it compassion, but does it really help them? Probably not.
The worst part is when you realize how in denial narcs are. I tried to get one of them to watch Dr. C's videos and they said he's the narcissist lol! 🙄
I tried to explain the difference between healthy self esteem like Dr. C and narcissism but it went right over their head. Whoosh!
Narcs can't accept input.
That's a common defense from narcs. Projection is an immature coping mechanism
Yes, they say that about anyone who stands up to them.
Healthy behaviour scares them. They don't know it, it's way out of their comfortzone. They don't realize that their own comfortzone is unhealthy and/or they don't (wanna) know there are healthier ways to "do" life.
My goal is to not be apart of anymore patterns with these troubled souls anymore.
Me too.
They can talk and point out others flaws and never see theirs 😡. No one is perfect.
I have a new test that I use when I meet someone and they engage with me enthusiastically. After 10 minutes or so, I say, “Well, I’ve got a chiropractor appointment in a few minutes, so I’ll have to get going.” If they ignore that statement and keep talking, I know that they don’t recognize or respect boundaries and I get away from them ASAP, never to see them again.
Quote, father in law speaking “ I’d like to compliment you on your dinner, but I’m worried if I do, some body( looking falsely sheepishly toward my mother in law) will think I like your cooking better.” He’s a narc, she’s a covert narc enabler.
I said, “ it’s always appropriate to thank someone and compliment them for a meal. If somebody else doesn’t like it, that’s their problem!”
I just would have given him the vacant stare. I feel sorry for the wife
No Supply!
The sad thing is they think being EQUAL means being irrelevant.
Went to small claims court today as the defendant. The plaintiff is a narcissist. She came in unprepared and not able to prove any fault on my side. The judge let her talk twice and she rambled for 45 to 50 minutes while he only allowed me a few minutes time. I had to listen to her trash me, then tell the judge how kind and giving she was and how I took advantage of her good nature. She went on to tell him all about her personal struggles and illnesses she had to live with. When I got my few measley minutes she interrupted me and kept on making loud noises while I talked. I can't believe I still feel so sorry for her when she doesn't care a fig for me. The ruling was in my favor today. She vowed to drag me into court again on appeal. One author stated to only have sympathy for the narcissist and to only feel empathy in a whole nother continent. Wise words I will try to heed.
I had gotten a new kitchen knife set. The knives were very sharp. Well the first time I used them, I cut the side of my index finger quite deep. Showed the narc and he down played it by showing me an OLD scar that he had. He claimed his had been much deeper and that I will live. That isnt love, love isnt a competition.
Being alone.
this was my first thought
Done, after 21 years of marriage, during a pandemic, no work, no home, family took me in. So much better. Looking for job and apt now. Feel good 👍
Best wishes moving forward! Dr. C
Well done Patricia , I’m very happy for you .👌
I am no longer shocked at how anything, and I mean ANYTHING, can be twisted by a narcissist. They can twist anything good into something bad and vice versa. They can twist anything into something that serves their image and agenda. Still amazing, but no longer shocking.
Whenever my husband talks about himself regarding work and how one of a kind he is (his words) & how his boss wished he had 3 of my husband (work ethic) I trail off because it's exhausting to hear and quite frankly...I'm sick of hearing him
@ Jayne Maynard....lol I know the feeling because it gets OLD
Oh my goodness yes! In his I'm all that voice" I be working with them young dudes, and I have to say man slow down a a little I'm 50 years old give me some slack. Then they ALWAYS say man you 50? I thought you was in your 30's" ....every new job every time!!! So FN boring, and disgusting. Yuck!!!
Lol yes yes...30 yrs of sitting neck to his bath after work telling me.
Oh my goodness yessss!
Another important thing to remember is that watching a narcissist act out to seek that attention can solicit feelings of empathy from the empath. "I feel so sorry for him, he's trying to feel better about himself and he wants to be loved. That is why he is acting out for attention." This can lead to the empath having empathy for the narcissist and can lead to enabling or a feeling of needing to watch out for him or her thus extending the food supply. Being strong enough to let go of the narcissist to be the fool on his own is not easy when one has so much empathy and love for a fellow human who is on the wrong path. If one isn't fixable it is time to let go especially when the actions of the narcissist can lead to the empath getting burned as well. We might not know what could have happened if we stayed, but we know what won't happen if we leave, unwanted trouble.
Because we have a hyperactived attachment style, use affirmations like: I attach to and connect with normal, healthy people. I enjoy real relationships with real people. Also use affirmations to counteract our need to please, our underdeveloped inner warrior, our lack of connection to our own needs, our harsh inner critic, our lack of self love, feeling unworthy, etc.
Well said @gdcat777.....you got to know when to let go because they are going to keep doing this foolish until we realize that they are not willing to change and basically GROW UP. Lol
@@quitageorge7532 Maybe jail will accelerate the process, or make it worse. That's where the one I based my comment on is right now.
"Live by the sword, die by the sword."
I had to leave in secret. I wasn't sure what he would do if I left in front of him.
My narc hated me having an opinion. It wasn't allowed. The only opinion that was valid was hers.
Irrelevance & invalidating of everyone else, quick to anger mode & meanness, 'my way or the highway' in every interaction, highly defensive and thin-skinned while always on the attack, definitely temper tantrums.
6:24 "No offense, but your fear of irrelevance is not my problem to cure."
“Fear of irrelevance”… this sums up 32 years of marriage with my narc husband.
What on earth is happening here?
I was texted THIS:
" If you never say or do anything to set me off, we'll be fine" .
Word for word.
Translation: "Run fast, run far, and don't look back"
I was texted this " Don't piss me off".
All I can say is thank you Dr. Carter for your insight on this terrible journey. You give me the tools to understand and then deal with the situation. I have used your advise to start my journey out of the mess I allowed to happen to me. Team healthy all the way.
Amen!
I feel like I could have wrote that comment. Terrible journey - absolutely. Allowed ourselves? Yes, but THEY are the great deceivers; however, there were signs but we didn't know. If it ever happens that we come across another one, we WILL know. 🌷🌺💐
Thankyou Dr. C. YOU ARE A BRIGHT LIGHT IN MY DAY!
Getting out of a 9 year relationship with a narc and got to say I’m about crazy trying to get help from different support groups friends and family it’s been a living hell
Leaving that hell behind after way to many years believing lies. You have to do it for yourself no one is coming to save you. Believe me I know, stalking, smear campaign and aggressive behaviour it's terrifyingly awful. I'm nearly out.
Not being viewed as superior, a God, or not being the one in control.
i know a narcissist who inherited a ton of money and he uses his money to be relevant. He gives away money and makes sure everybody knows about it.
At the root of narcissism is abandonment. These people must at all cost remain relevant. The moment they perceive themselves relegated to the irrelevant the fear that they are expendable overwhelms them and their anger surfaces.
So true!
Your videos are SO WONDERFUL! I only wish I had this info 40 years ago it would have saved me so many tears but once I understood the Beast I took my life back! 💖
⁵sept: georgia: way to go never too late.
here is a share from other post 📫.
Try to imagine your struggle is with 😈 demons, whose soul purpose is to destroy a beautiful child of the All Mighty. Now, you KNOW those only come to steal (your youth and virginity) kill (your faith and hope) and destroy (your will to live). What does Holy Scripture say❓come on you KNOW. Put on the whole armor of God (helmet of salvation, sword, breastplate, shoes of gospel ... ). 'For we wrestle not against flesh but principalities.....and evil'. A person like that, have been a handful since childhood, when the dark spirits of hate, of anger, of resentment, of shame, of embarrassment, of abandonment etc. ENTERED them. You have your will, you decide. Are you willing to live life with those demons.
Stop feeling shame or blaming yourself for your part. You know what you have to do for forgiveness. You too have to forgive yourself and your spouse, until then they stop affecting you. Get out of there, if you know you can not heal them, you can not help them, stop feeling sorry for them.
🙏 this an answer to your 🆘️
@@lifewithapurpose237 I agree with you 100%
My husband is getting to be so mean to my 2 🐕 🐕 and I and he has become a Drunk and then it only gets worse😱😱. Every night he gets Drunk and he is such a control freak that he scares me. I am a cancer servior. They cut off my tongue and took out my voice box and I have a feeding tube in my stomach. I can not talk anymore cor eat anymore. He was taking care of me for awhile, helping me, but he goes out in his shop at 4:00pm every day and sits there and drinks 🍺 Beer all night long then comes in and eats and passes out. I can wait until he passes out because he is so mean and angry about anything. Even little things, like if I ask him to please will you get me a blanket or Kleenex etc. I thought he was indeniel but now I know he is a Narcissist. I was telling my sister about how he acts and treats me and she said he was a Narcissist!! I did not know what one was until I started looking it up and then I found Doctors group on UA-cam!!! I had to turn my husband over to GOD👑🙌🙏 and put him in GODs hands because I just could not fix him myself🙏🙏 I 👀 See my husband killing him self by drinking 🍺 every night and letting all those demons 😈 enter into his body I felt sorry for him and I tried to fix him but I am to fragile now to fight back anymore😢😢 With GOD All things are possible and without him nothing is possible👑🙌👑🙌🙏🙏🙏 My husband has NO Empathy for anyone😢🙏 He is going blind in one eye and the other one is bad to. He can not hear very good, forgets all the time. We are not young, he is 75 and I am 74. We have been married for 30 years now and our home is paid for our cars are paid for, and it is so hard to think about leaving😢😢🙏
@@marilynmullins3408 please call adult protective services and make him help financially with your care thru the divorce. This is abuse.
This describes everything I ever saw from my (now late, thankfully) FIL. His favorite all-time topic was himself, himself, himself and himself. And his favorite sound was of his own voice. He would interrupt other people's serious conversations with, "That reminds me of the time when I . . ." after which he would repeat an already much-told story about himself. And everyone was expected to sit and listen through it. While he was obnoxious in his self-centeredness, he had trained most of his family to accommodate him. Because . . . he was entitled, don't you know?!!?
However, I figured out the way to short-circuit his "admire me" interruptions. I simply would say, very cheerfully, "OH! I remember that story. Yadda, yadda, yadda is what happened and then it ended with yadda, yadda, yadda." I could practically summarize it all in one breath, robbing him of the story.
At that, his eyes would actually flutter as if reflecting a short circuit in his brain. And after I did that a few times, he quit trying to use me as his audience for any more of his tediously spewed out "adore me!" stories. It didn't change him a bit except that he disliked me even more than before. Aw, poor me. What a loss! (Nope.)
I've since done the same with my husband, that man's son, to successfully stop him from directing HIS obsessive "all about me" stories at me. It's a tactic I recommend to anyone who gets used by any narcissist in the same way. Rob them!
SUSAN--I love it. I'm going to start using that tactic, if I'm ever in the company of another narcissist!
Possitive/Negative attention at any kind is craved by the Narcissist......Bug OFF.!!!!!!!!! I need to live my life in Peace.
Interruptions and constant interruptions and explosions of anger are correct.
Dr. Carter,
My name is Susan King. I am an empath who separated from a Psycho Narcissist. He has traumatized me beyond belief. Your videos have helped me more than you can imagine.
Thanks and God Bless
@Mary Carroll thanks Mary
It gives us understanding,Narcs make us believe it all us!! They twist and turn everything!
@@charlottemuller2233 Charlotte., all I can say is thank the Lord for Dr Carter. He opened that dark curtain for me . Thanks. I believe I stand a chance now on my new voyage
The #1 thing that I learned from leaving with a narcissist is that I am irrelevant.
To them only ... the rest of us need normal ppl to help us all
I don’t think they fear being irrelevant . . . As much as they insist on being relevant. it’s just one way!
They have a deep dread of being irrelevant
My nex always said he wouldn't have to rage at me if I didn't trigger him all the time. My answer was always the same "Your triggers belong to you and mine belong to me". I guess he never understood what I meant by that 🤷🏼
They don't want to understand.
He's says he is an artist. I see failure. Money matters. And he fails often. He ignores my art.
@@BK-tp6jf I generally agree. I DID marry him because I felt culturally he would earn more in the market place and for the most part, he did and still does. To me, it's about patriarchy and capitalism where domination usually rules. I look for those now whose "egos" are used in service of the greater good. My ex saw me in the beginning as much better than him...and eventually what you say emerged. He, I believe felt intimidated and I, unfortunately, got ill (maybe from his constant need to control and needing to see me as ill), and I was dependent, so like most men, he left
After years with a narcissist I've learned...never allow ANYONE to treat you badly or try to change you.....if they can't say anything nice to you or about you..kick them to the curb...NO SECOND CHANCES..if they insult you or criticize...write them off..if they say they don't know what love is..believe them..if they show no respect for others...walk away and don't look back..you can't MAKE someone love you if they don't...you can't MAKE someone stay if they won't..your better off without them...
My narc finally moved out! I feel so free!!!
I really feel like I'm growing out of the struggle that "my" narcissist is causing in me. Thank you
It took me wayyyy too many years to understand that my EXTREMELY narcissistic ex wife’s problems were not mine to solve.
If you can get away from them and block them. They will always say bad thing and have uncalled for anger and its not worth it. It is worth it to run the other way and pretend they do not exist. They will suck your soul and money from you.
Nobody likes to be treated as irrelevant, you don't have to be a Narcissist