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Whose childhood? I was with a covert and knew from the start about her trauma. But she kept digging at my childhood trauma for some reasons then some nonsense took place with male best friend and I had to push her away. When I really got into this stuff, I learnt she ticked every covert narcissist and other cluster B traits and I was emotionally abused. Now these videos and books are saying I have childhood trauma that caused this to happen? What is going on here and why do I need to go dig up my past when I already came to terms with it long ago?
@@shawnmclean7707 my therapist put it this way: when you were a child, your parents put you in a situation where your subcontious thought you were in life danger. So you develop coping strategies like being distant,cold or overly agressive or overt or maybe you put yourself higher then everybody else to cope with the issue your parents put your through. Problem is you are an adult now and dont need those coping strategies anymore, but since you`ve been practicing them for years and years it becomes a part of yourself you dont even recognize. so depending on the childhood trauma you can figure out in which type of dynamic you were in and what kind of coping strategies your subconsious has developed which dont serve you anymore. So for example, ones Parents argue A LOT and the child ( as children do) puts the blame on themselves, so the child tries to please the Parents in every way possible by becoming overly agreeable and neglegent of one self. A few decades later we call this type of person "Nice guy". of course the person can develop other issues due to not developing oneself and get other negative traits. But all in all thats how childhood trauma works. Child gets abused, child developes coping strategy, child grows up and becomes an adult, Adult still has those traits but they dont fit the life of an Adult so it becomes deconstructive. Hope that helps cheers
Happened to me too. Coverts are the worst. You realise it when its way too late. And after they are done, everybody supports them and judges you. I have not a single friend anymore. F them all.
60 years old, a 25 year marriage, three beautiful children, divorced a long time ago, a bunch of female friends, a handful of intimate relationships. My experience, women take zero responsibility or rarely do. Stay single, happiness is being a man. It's bloody great!
If he was married for 25 years thats a large portion of his life, so he must be speaking from Experience, when a person speaks from experience respect it ,@@micahgmiranda
This happened to me. Full on lack of accountability. Not allowed to have feelings. She used to say ' i am not responsible for your feelings' .. you have to get far away from people like this.
I believe, yes, we are responsible for our own feelings. However, when someone is sharing their feelings, it's an invitation to show you care about that person. Personally, I believe we are losing touch with human connection, and we are gaining personal responsibility. I think it's odd, as we have always worked as communities. ❤ I hope these new concepts make us stronger as individuals so we can bring more to the table.
Yep I’ve seen this happen to several male friends of Mine. Hell I have a sister that acts terribly toward her husband and there is no accountability whatsoever
Having suffered this many times from partners, teachers, and family, it's good to hear people talking about it. I've got much better at dealing with it, but still have a tendency to be a bit of a frog in a boiling pot. I think we as men just still have this social programming to just "deal with it" and put up with it for other's sakes.
I'm glad that men have this space and I would love to hear in what ways you feel you have to put up with things for others' sake, if you would like to share. We never hear this side of it from men themselves.
Clicked on this for self awareness. I don’t think I’m abusive, but I’ve met a lot of really mean people who think they aren’t either. Thanks for speaking on the topic!
Ignore the comments, everyone will be mean sometimes, it stems from a primal urge and we spend our lives learning to manage and appreciate them. Self-awareness and reflection are key in this process. For happy relationships, both parties have to do so. Thank you for your effort, and if/when you are mean, please forgive yourself. This video touched on some scars, and I find my response to pain or sadness has been anger or to go on the offensive, and I imagine others still might attack you. Please do not take their comments to heart or to represent them fully. It comes from pain, fear of of being hurt again, and not having a clear understanding of what to do about that pain. God speed, Kings 👑
When noticing the problem becomes the problem, you know you're with a person who has no business being in your life. This is true of work and intimate relationships.
Went thru the discard and now going thru the Hoover. My ex is a textbook covert narc. It's shitty what I put up with and you're right. It comes down to a lack of self worth and childhood trauma, lack of confrontation skill. I can be the best version of me, but it will never be reciprocal from her end. The only way to "win" is not to play.
Finally a healthy masculinity channel. Solid adivce and very regocnizable story. Inner child work is so important to live authentic to put real boundaries. I'm still working on it, but I've grown in a short time like never before. A broken heart really is one hell of a motivator and really shines a light on a lot of subjects you have to work on.
I'm sorry you have gone through so much pain and suffering. As much as we may want to, we can't control others or change the past, but we still have the ability to exert a lot of influence over ourselves. Sure, we might not be able to change our feelings or our desires directly, but we can take note of them, influence them, and ultimately, we decide what we do with them. I hope you find happiness in life. Whether that be on your own or found with others, I hope you find what works for you. But I beg of you, please don't let the past control your future. People are individuals, similar individuals exist in similar environments or mindsets. To give into hopelessness or hatred, unfortunately, attracts hopelessness and hatred. I say all this sincerely, not to blame you for what's happened to you (which if you do, please, PLEASE, forgive yourself). However, from a brother to a brother, I must ask you to investigate this question and take action to test whatever answers you think of. What can you do differently to be happy? We don't live long enough to fix everyone and everything, but until everything is perfect, there's always something we can change. What changes would make you happier? Of those, what changes are possible? Of those, what changes do you have control over? Of those, what changes can you start working on in the present? God speed, Kings 👑 A common theme i
I left my ex wife , three kids together and a house back in 2004 when I was early thirties . I look back in shame at my younger self and what I put up with . She was clinically insane . 13 years of madness . She got physical often till one day I just had enough and left . Best decision I ever made for myself , BUT the damage she did to my kids was criminal . I despise her for it . I always will . But karma plays its part . I have a great relationship with all three of my kids while they no longer keep in touch with her , nor does she make an effort with them . Toxic people wither on the vine of life . Full of hate and self loathing . All is well in my and my kids lives ❤ . Your video brought it all back , an invaluable topic for young men . Get out before these creatures ruin your life
10 weeks ago, I finally got out. We were together for over 7 years. We saw 4 couples therapists. We have a nearly 3 year old, and own a house together, both of which were weaponised to coerce me into staying. It was always turbulent, but post-covid, her mental health spiralled, and i became a punching bag. Sometime literally. The nice guy thing is spot on. Ive been averse to conflict. My boundaries have been porous to the point that they were non existent. The challenge on this front is, that even when i stood up for myself, her absolute inability to take any level of responsibility for anything, and her refusal to let things go until they were "resolved" (ie i took full responsibility for everything), meant that i would eventually just cave. I must have said "I'm sorry" 10,000 times. I never received a genuine applogy. Ever. I would just be gaslit to the point of insanity. The threat of losing my daughter was so pervasive. But eventually, i broke. I left. And now, i feel alive again. There are still huge issues to deal with (custody and house), and of course she is allergic to empathy and reason, but not having to deal with the slow suffocation of living with her has been a liberation that is impossible to describe. And all the fear that paralysed me into staying was ultimately unfounded. Its just band aid, only its made of shame and guilt and fear. But all it took was one moment of pure conviction to rip it off. And now i step into my power, my worth, compassionate and kind, yet discerning and stron. If you feel trapped, i see you. I was there. Its hell. But its a situation we freeze ourselves into, and ultimately choose. We choose to be abused. I allowed it to happen. Me. Never again. Big love to all the men out there. Thanks for shining a light on this topic, Oliver.
Brother im so sorry you went through that. I know exactly what you went through - I apologised that many times with my ex too. She held false claims of abuse over me and impacted my prospects of graduating teaching with charges I finally had dropped last week. I could go into teaching now but I’ve gone sideways with a job related to my undergrad + they gave me a Ute lol - I hope you get through this next stage with good conditions to see your child. Good Luck on the roller coaster brother.
oh man, I stayed also seven years in a very similar situation, only after one year since we broke i started to feel good again. Thanks to share your difficulties.
3 months split from the mother of my 7 year old. Finding it really tough to shake off the feelings of guilt. I left after an argument over nothing, but which included all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive interaction, (skirting round the issue, name calling, refusal to take ownership, gaslighting.) I've been feeling terrible, like i've failed my family and that maybe things weren't as bad as I thought. We had a recent interaction where she showed me the side of her that made me want to leave. Initially I felt relief, I felt like I was right to leave. The relief turned to sadness though, I was hoping I was wrong about her and that maybe we could try again. I take accountability for allowing myself to be the emotional punching bag for her. Thank you For the video Oliver I needed to watch this. I'm in need of healing that goes way back to childhood, I owe it to my younger self to sort my life out and become strong.
for me it seems that, after the fact, feeling like things maybe weren't as bad as they seemed is a hallmark of being gaslit for a long time. It's like you lose any sense of what reasonable vs. unreasonable behaviour is actually like, after being blamed for trying to have reasonable boundaries. hope this makes sense but I agree with what you said.
This was so refreshing to hear. It was good to hear a man’s perspective on being the receiver of abuse. Not many people are willing to talk about this very real topic. Also, many women are bad at holding themselves accountable. In our society it seems to indirectly be encouraged for women to abuse men. There are a lot of emotionally wounded women that feel this behavior is ok. I myself am an emotionally wounded woman. I didn’t have good relationships with parents and caregivers growing up. My trust was broken by men and women who abused me. As I continue to get older I learn better ways of healing and interacting with others. I learn to be more accountable for my actions. In my 20s I admit I was a terrible partner trying to protect my fragile heart and ego, but after receiving that same treatment from an abusive male I once cared about I made changes. I’m still the “nice girl” trying to learn how to be assertive in the proper sense of the word, but hearing about how “nice guys” suffer similar realities was informative. I’m rambling, but I appreciate your video and how it gives a different perspective on an issue many women say plagues them.
Personally I’ve given up on pursuing engagement with women because there’s such a widespread culture of pro “man-hate” that I found myself beginning to feel justified in relating to perspectives I previously found insane when I heard other guys express their jaded views on women so for me that’s when I realized there’s a sickness so deep it may not be worth touching with a 10 ft pole. I’m rambling 2, I hope our world can change tho bc our inter-personal skills as a species is awful.
I was talking with several of my male friends over coffee recently. On the topic of women we all admitted to being assaulted...physically, socially, mentally and emotionally by at least 30 women....at least 30 women. For me its been far more. It's an epidemic in society how badly women treat men.
Well, that's the thing. Being able to look at yourself and identifying your own flaws "am I too mean" or "am I too spineless" is the first step towards becoming a better adult. No one deserves to be taken advantage of or to be made to feel like shit, men or women or anyone identifying as anything else. Good job on making those changes to yourself, never stop growing. And thanks for looking into the men's perspective-- I also make sure to hear women's side of things despite not being one. If we could all just get on the same page and stop the gender war, we could hold all abusers more accountable-- especially the ones that play victim or hide behind their gender for defense.
so I've done this to my ex girlfriend and everything about my reaction was the same as the woman in this story until my partner became angry/upset with me. I realized I did fuck up rather badly and apologized and realized I had been quite self-centered. We were about 20 years old. Don't stick with a partner who dodges accountability
It's so nice that you're talking about accountability and inner work rather than just writing all women off as is often the case around these sensitive topics! Love what you're doing here.
What you just explained has happened in quite literally all of my relationships, I managed to avoid a few toxic relationships as of the last year when I realised to trust my gut more. When you stick up for what your instinct tells you is an issue you can protect yourself from a lot of emotional damage
Nice guy here, hopeless romantic, the whole nine yards. My issue with the advice in this video is that I don’t think I wear a nice guy mask. As far as I can tell, by my very nature I just tend to care deeply about those I love. Taking off a mask is a lot easier than changing your character. I could be wrong in my self-assessment but, in any case, I don’t think 100% of “nice guys” are just playing some part to please others for their own benefit. Frankly, if acting sweet/thoughtful/nice is supposed to benefit me, it would seem in this man’s experience to be a remarkably ineffective strategy.
The "Nice Guy Syndrome" that he talks about in the video is the same thing as co-dependence which is, at it's core, basically an addiction to approval. I feel very much the same as you do based on your comment, but as I researched co-dependence I started to understand that it can be very harmful even if you only mean well. I would suggest looking up co-dependence and learing a little about why. Instead of a nice guy, I strive to be a good man. Those sound the same, but there's really a big difference.
I'm the same and you exactly described my ex girl who was with fearful avoidant attachment and I with anxious. You miss that in my case I have fear of abandonment (she had it too) and people pleasing was part of avoiding abandonment - I'm unlovable so I need to be something else to please her. Also losing your boundaries and being afraid to upsert her comes from the constant emotional withdraw from her push and pulls and the break up and make up rip tide. I chose to stay believing we can heal together but always everything was my fault including why she decided to break up for good. She even told me that her happiness is my responsibility and I didn't make her happy anymore. In a sense my validation no longer spikes her insecurity I'm old news she had my unconditional love and she needs to go to the streets to chase someone who doesn't give it to her...
The nice guy mask is so real! I have also worn the nice girl mask before. It’s a little different because of society expectations for women is different but I can see how hard it is for men in this dynamic. It’s never okay for people to be emotionally abusive and I hope we all create healing spaces for each other. This is so helpful to understand your perspective and how to not be abusive as a woman.
Your profile pic looks scarily similar to my ex-gf. Seriously, you look just like her. I know you're not her though b/c she would never write anything that even hinted at accountability on her part or anything that tried to see the point of view of a man. That woman seriously messed me up. I never dated anyone again and we broke up in 2010. if it is you, I want you to know you ruined my perception of women, relationships, loyalty, and trust.
Emotionally and psychologically abused by my mother which lead me to a nervous breakdown. I now understand her covert narc ways and she is no longer in my life. I’m still healing and it’s a long journey to building my own identity and emotional health back. Thank you for sending this message brother
thank you for this. i’m 35 and had my first ever toxic relationship that lasted 3 years. at first it was great but it turned sour. i tried hanging out because when things were good we were perfect for each other but when things are bad they’re terrible. you got yourself a new subscriber
Its always the same pattern, as if these people were in the same how to be toxic elementary school 😅the breadcrumbing makes you literally addicted, and these people know it. They Thrive on control and power dynamics. The only way to win this "game" they're playing is to not to play anymore, which means no attention. People like this think attention and love is the same. They dont care if its positiv or negative attention + they thrive on your emotions. To Quote Joe Dispenza: Where you place your attention is where you place your emotion and where you place your emotion is where you place your energy. If someone can make you mad or sad, they can control you and they suck your life energy out of you. Let go, live your best life without them. This will piss them off the most, they will spiral in their cycle of misery again and again. Dont fall for the hoovering afterwards and dont try to save them, as good people like you and me usually do. It won't work. In the end it makes things worse, they get a narcisstic injury and feel entilted for revenge. They gonna try to destroy you, smear your name and worse. Trust me guys I exerpienced it first hand...^^
So well said…. Sounds like you are familiar with HG Tudor’s work - he breaks down narcissism with such profound accuracy and has helped me tremendously to understand how these people operate. Power, control, fuel (our life force), stealing our character traits to manipulate others and residual benefits are what they care about, not the actual person - they don’t know how to emotionally connect with another human being and they don’t know how to love - the majority are completely unaware of their own narcissism… anyway, enjoyed seeing such a thorough reply on narcissism - cheers to healing the heart journey!
The only solution for me then is to never be intimate with anyone ever again because it's all gonna be either taken away or it's gonna fall apart. And that's a dark place to be. No hope. No nothing. Just pain
@@smokingcrab2290 you attract what you radiate outwards. If you don't face your inner stuff you will keep attracting the same type of woman. In the end you will give up and come to the conclusion that all women are bad. People don't realize that its not men or women who are bad, but a special type that u keep attracting. I had to learn that the hard way too. work on your self and dont give up. Remember: Anyone can give up. Its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength.
I feel we get too wrapped up in this idea of a person being a narcissist, covert, or whatever label you want to put on them. Focusing on ourselves and not about the games people are playing go a long way to allowing us to grow, not put others in a box, or get carried away by our own bias/heuristics. We also have to stop being victims and playing into these victim narratives: making people to be the enemy, boiling down people to archetypes, making self fulfilling prophecies.
God thank you mate. Thank you. This inspired me to finally block her contacts, finally make sure she never reaches back. I finally confronted her on her constant retractions and she broke it off in an INSTANT. No discussion, no regard for my feelings, nothing. Wasted the last 6 months hoping to fix things until I saw this and I’m looking back at the signs. We are over and I’m going to ENSURE I stay clear.
Wife is a classic covert. She never takes accountability for anything, zero…She only gets angrier and angrier blaming others for her behavior. She verbally goes “for the throat” saying the worst things that come to her mind. I verbally tip toe through every conversation to not instigated her to lose her mind. I figured this out a few years ago. I’m kinda stuck due to the kids and finances for the next few years.
I think most women will emotionally abuse their man if they don't respect him. This happens if he has weak boundaries and is easily controlled. She will start to despise his weakness and then become abusive. But at the same time she won't tell she wants him to stick up for himself because then its too easy for him and not indicative of a backbone anymore. Unless she is anti-social then she wants him to stay weak but most women don't fall in this category. So she generally WANTS you to stick up for yourself.
I think your perspective will change completely if you realize that the women are doing it to push you into being a man. Sure there are people that take it too far or are callous. But the most dangerous man is a complacent man, who unable to make boundries, and gives into hedonistic lifestyle enabling the evil around him. The most dangerous woman is an untethered woman, who tries to control every variable in her life, and has nothing to challenge and check her. God needs us to submit to Him and meet the role and vocation He made for us at birth. Men need to know God, the Church, their Vocation, and their Identity. They are to submit to God and sacrifice for others and their family. Women are the same but they submit to God and who would be their husband. Things are more complicated and simpler than we realize.
Yes there are women like this, but there are also women out there who are mature, and have empathy for their partner. Women who are nurturing and have a general level of respect for other people in all situations. They have enough self awareness to not let themselves be abusive towards someone, even when the relationship is in turmoil. Just like there are men who would never become abusive under any circumstances. You don't want an adult baby for a partner who is ready to become abusive at any moment.
@@michaeldonaghy3997 Yeah I mean all people are able to do evil acts. I wonder if we taught boys growing up to be selective in women just as we teach girls growing up to be selective with men, how much better off we can avoid situations like this? I feel like there's an unwarranted 'innocence' that women are just granted which is just not helpful to anyone. They fought hard for good reason to be treated as equals in society, which is a great thing; it sort of betrays that idea if they're still infantized like this.
Thanks mate really great video. There is a lot of nuance with this topic and I think you explained it perfectly. I also like how you repeatedly mention that the abuser is wounded as well. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it humanizes them, unlike a lot of red pill content.
This vid was good to me. My gf is so pointed in her criticism, it's like a subconscious conversation with her abuse. After I'm away from her I think about what she said and how disrespectful it was but in the moment I don't even recognize it for what it was. I'm done, we're done. I shouldn't have to spend time with her defending myself.
If you are the one who always has to work hard to keep the relationship going, if you feel 90% of the effort is coming from you then she is using you. Sounds like there is too much overthinking on your part. Low self esteem, a history of lack of affection in your upbringing can set you up to not know what to say when you're being put down by a girl. Start laying down some boundaries; doesn't mean you have to put her down in turn. It's actually stronger not to be reactive, to stay cool, and let her know that there will be consequences from you for such behaviour. She will probably test you, and then you end the relationship. Make sure you're the one who walks away. At the moment you're under her thumb!
@@jasonsanders8091 you're right but I'm trying to learn healthy behaviors and YOU are helping me so I thank you. I appreciate your straightforward and strong approach.
The first sign I was in an emotionally abusive relationship was when I went to my gf's home town for the first time. She said she was going home to get changed, left me in the pub for 5 hours, and returned completely pissed in the same clothes. I caught the last train home and unfortunately took her back the next day. The abuse got worse and worse. She hit me on a few occasions. Everything was about her. I wasn't allowed to hold an opinion or do my own thing without her interrogating me about what I was doing. I've now got complex PTSD from that and other traumas and I don't trust anyone, women specifically. That was my first and last relationship.
I can relate to this. Now I’m in a court battle over our son whilst she continues her lies and manipulation to try and keep control over everything. She is extremely vindictive and is very angry I’ve had the audacity to challenge her through the legal system after realising I need to protect my parental rights. Absolutely zero accountability who is never wrong and infallible, or so she believes. Women are not sugar and spice and all things nice as often described to us as young guys growing up!!
Bro you are getting a sub. Am happy someone is taking about this issue, I noticed this year's ago and ever since avoid relationships that I don't feel grounded free and unstressed.
It’s funny when you mention the red pill issues. Some are very true, but I totally agree. Men act like so many women don’t experience the same issues of infidelity, lack of respect, etc. We are definitely different, but many of these things are not gender biased experiences. So many of the videos just claim women “ruined” everything, but we need to reflect as men and do better! Doesn’t remove women’s responsibility when we self reflect.
When I was broke and desperate I wrote content for a red pill UA-cam channel. After doing this for 6 months I learnt the philosophy of the red pill inside out and backwards. And I can safely say that it's 90% confirmation bias, a lack of self-reflection, very little empathy and a boatload of reductionist groupthink. You said it best mate. We are different, but most of the issues we face aren't as gendered as we think. I think it's a sobering and connecting thing to realise that we are far more similar than we are different. Maybe the world needs that kind of realisation at the moment.
Realness. I think perspective is very important of breaking out of this cycle. Ive been in the relationship you describe. But she wasnt the abuser and i wasnt tte victim. In fact i choose to stay because the dynamic served my core belief that i wasnt good enough. I had zero boundaries. And any woman will be seen as emotionally abusive to a man with no boundaries. Ending a relationship before this is understood will just start another one that ends up in the same place. Face the internal shame. Rediscover who you really are. Find self love, and in tern love for others. Forgive and all will be forgiven. Id wait an hour for love. I wouldn't wait 5 minutes for hate. ❤
"....And any woman will be seen as emotionally abusive to a man with no boundaries...." Let's not shift the blame from the aggressor to the victim. A person who does not care about his boundaries becomes an easy target only for those who know how and want to take advantage of him. Emotionally healthy people will commit emotional violence against her, or rather provide advice and support.
@sceen7675 yes good point. I just feel that none of the women who become "emotionally abusive" to me were inherently abusive , but seemed to be that way from my perspective when I was unable to set boundaries/assert myself. I wonder if a different woman may have helped me grow to have boundaries instead of just taking more. I like to continue to view the solution as a "starting with me" mindset. Overall I'm trying to get away from any abuser/victim narrative because I think either label can be claimed from either side of an unconscious relationship. But maybe I'm just still to "nice" to point out an abuser. Or to afraid of judgement with 1 finger pointed at my partner, but feeling 2 fingers being pointed back. My healing journey right now has ultimately detached from constantly looking at my relationship, to actually one of continued relationship to myself. Good things seem to be flowing from this place. Thanks for your reply ❤️
Haven’t watched everything but while I don’t agree with the red pill saying it’s your fault as well for her abusing you is just insane. Sure there is two in a relationship but no person man or woman should ever take responsibility for getting abused that’s bloody ridiculous. We can get addicted to just about everything out there like games, porn, drugs and even abuse so no, no one should ever feel responsible or take accountability for an abuser actions no matter how long they got stuck in their hell.
I do think it’s important to acknowledge the fact that you had or have the power to put an end to it. And as long as you don’t you are feeding the dynamic aswell.
He said "staying" You changed it to "getting abused" You replaced STAYING with: 1. "her abusing" 2. "getting abused" 3. "abuser['s] actions" You had to. If you hadn't changed "staying" it would've been too obvious you're completely full of shit.
my trauma with a past emotionally abusive relationship set me up to sabotage my last relationship and change it from a healthy one to another emotionally abusive relationship. make sure you heal from past trauma before engaging in another relationship with someone that could be good for you
Great explanation of the topic. Dr. Robert Glover's book is fantastic, but somewhat dated in a few areas for guys from newer generations especially. One thing in particular is that he uses the term "Nice Guy Syndrome" to describe what is actually co-dependence in men. He doesn't ever say it's the same thing in the book, but I've heard him acknowledge that it is in interviews. I understand his desire to not use the term, especially cause it is regularly and easily misunderstood, but co-dependence doesn't just affect men and there are a lot more resources to help with it that you won't find if you're just looming for help with "Nice Guy Syndrome." I just think it's important that nice guys are aware that what they're dealing with is co-dependence.
I have been in a dysfunctional relationship for over 20 years now. It has been like a wild roller coaster. Self-blame, self-pity, shame, emotional fatigue, physical fatigue, you name it. But at some point, I bounced off. Started taking care of myself, dress better, workout, good diet... Simply speaking - prioritise my own needs and not to give a crap about the numpty and her messed up brain. When children grow a bit more, I will be moving on. In a way, there has been a positive side of this relationship - having gone through a great deal of hardship, I grew balls and learnt how to be content with my own self (children is a bonus).
Thank you for sharing your journey (tragic). I am a grandmother who has endured many violent men, starting around 2 years old. I appreciate this thought process because I now have 2 twin grandchildren, boys who are 16 years old. One who shows his heart was stood up at homecoming 😢. He tried to play it off😢. Please continue to share and stand against narcissistic abuse ❤
I want to lend an explanation for why you felt off center and guilty for everything- through turning these situations back onto you, where you started to feel like it was your fault and that you couldn’t do anything right, you started to feel responsible for her emotional world. You didn’t know what to do, or how to do it, because the next move you made could blow up in your face. Like you’re crossing a minefield and you don’t know where the mines are. This emotional volatility of hers where if she was upset, it was because of something you did, made you feel like you were causing her emotional response. You were therefore responsible for how she felt, all the time, and this is why you feel like you were “walking on eggshells.” This is a tough distinction to realize, because in a way, you do affect your partners emotions. But their response to things is not solely because of your words or actions. It’s everything that they have experienced, past trauma, etc. And those things are not your responsibility. You only have the responsibility of intending to be kind, respectful, and take accountability for what you’ve truly done. This is something that I personally had to do a lot of hard work to realize, because this is the main reason that I felt so much guilt and shame from my first relationship. Look up Darvo Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender Hope this helps mate.
It's amazing how slight differences on language can make such a huge difference in understanding. I feel like this understanding has floated in my mind for sometime, but I lacked the language skills to understand what I wanted to think. Like the video, I felt guilty for my outburst to mistreatment. Going to therapy, I think my therapist was trying to express what you said, and I understood I intended to be kind and respectful, but I had gone 180° on taking accountability. In all honesty, it was years of this back and forth feeling of hating myself for hurting someone I loved and hating her for hurting me so much. That distinction for what I'm accountable for has lacked words to describe it, and I'm so grateful that I came across your wisdom. With words to describe action, a clearer vision of the kind of man I want to be has shown itself. Hopefully the next step won't take as long as the first 🤣 Stay strong Kings 👑
@ I would like to recommend a UA-cam channel and a wonderful woman named ‘Lise Leblanc’ Also I want you to do me a favor and look up her name along with the term “reactive abuse.” I have spent a long time thinking and reflecting on the things that I went through, and although I never had outbursts against her, I know how much shame that would have filled me with. You seem like a wonderful, self reflective, and thoughtful person. Those things will serve you well in the future my friend. I greatly appreciate your comment and I’m glad that I was able to share something from my reflections that has helped you.
@@JoshuaMartinez-ml5hlI want you to look up “Lise Leblanc” and the term reactive abuse. I greatly appreciate your comment, and your self reflection and desire to understand what happened is going to serve you extremely well in the future. What I’ve shared is just a tiny shred of the things I’ve come to realize, as these kinds of dynamics are so complex. But I’m glad I was able to help in some way.
Having accountability for staying with an abused is one of the strongest things you can do. Level up out there people let’s take responsibility for our complacency in abuse, don’t be ashamed, love yourself and give Yourself grace that you’re only human and try and do better
Hi Oliver, thanks for sharing your story. I was emotionally abusive in my early to mid 20s, but at 25, I had a severe mental breakdown after losing someone, and started receiving therapy. Therapy helped me see my toxic behavior. I always knew my behavior had been toxic, but before therapy, didn't know how to change it. Sometimes it takes an ego death to truly look yourself in the mirror. Also, kudos to you for rejecting this victim mentality of the red pill/mgtow ideology. They are the mirror image of the feminists who call men evil.
well done. a voice of reason. I think there's no reason you should ever get angry, it's a sign of spiritual immaturity, but no one has a right to tell you anything about that, but god and others who have resolved all anger within them
Thanks for bringing this to light. I went through it too mate. For the blokes out there who keep ending up in it, look into your childhood because you usually go for what is familiar. If you had a parent who rarely gave attention, made you walk on egg shells, or treated you poorly, it's more likely that you will end up gravitating towards that in your adult life
My ex-husband gave me the silent treatment for 30 days at a stretch... To put it into context, I was a new migrant in Australia so I had absolutely no-one that I knew. He was the only person I knew in the whole country. I was only 22 years old at the time. He tried to break me, relentlessly... Glad to say he did not succeed! It works both ways. Its not limited to women, although I do agree women are more susceptible to being covert narcissists.
This video isn't about men being abusive...this is like a not all men comment about a video that's discussing abusive men. He's not saying all women and he's not saying men aren't abusive...just that there's women that engage in behavior that is abusive
The whole point of this video is that abuse against men is vastly underrecognised. Everyone know men can abuse. It all we hear about. And if you look at male victims, the stereotype of the male abuser female victim is a serious problem that prevents help for male abuse victims.
I have a boyfriend that tends to say nasty things when we have miscommunication. I then don’t have a desire to have sex because I don’t desire affection from a person that chooses to be nasty with me because they can’t say what they need to say without being mean.
Thanks brother. Good on you for speaking truth. Having a trio of ladies - wife, daughter and sister - simultaneously trying with all their itchy witch might to bust me to dust. I appreciate your wise words. We need all the support we can get to defend ourselves, the self, form external negativity. So we can grow organically. transform from base metal hammered in indifference into a beautiful gold work of art.
I’m a woman and was also a people pleaser who has ended up being abused several times, from friends and partners. Many people don’t understand how to set boundaries, because of past trauma, it’s not a male or female problem, it can affect both genders.
Being raised in a christian home by two narcissistic parents made it difficult to stand up for myself. Basically, I was told that I was wrong about most everything, and I was going to end up burning in hell for all eternity if I didn't listen and just do what I was told. Then, reluctantly, my parents signed me into the military at age 17. I thought I was gaining freedom from home. Of course, I quickly realized that I signed up for more denegration in the infantry. Now, I had to consider the extreme physical consequences for screwing up in addition to all the spiritual dead weight that I was carrying - and we were still told to sit down and shut up, or you'll get courts martialed 😂 My final parent passed away recently. I feel like a weight was lifted, and I'm learning why. Thanks for sharing your story and pointing out the negative effects of being a "nice, decent guy" in a straight forward way.
But I also have to add. There are woman who give silent treatment or go hours/days not talking to you etc.. then hit you with some affection and those words "I love you". That's emotional abuse imo. And for someone who craves their partners affection and love (like I do) it causes me to have a rollercoaster of emotions. Quite insane actually. Wow. Such an enlightening video.
I'm glad someone has acknowledged that misandry has become a thing. Somehow, feminism had been perverted to mean supremacy-of-vengeance instead. I also, unfortunately, doubt that we'll get any more support than the little bit we find in these communities. So it goes. Off to ourselves, always at fault, no matter what. I mean, even in my healthiest-ever relationship, nothing was ever her responsibility and only I had flaws. It's why I've hit a place where I'd rather just isolated from everyone for my own safety. I've learned that I want to heal but apparently can't, while I'm indeed not wanted to heal at all. Perhaps the takeaway is to be antisocial.
It’s not just nice normal guys who get abused. I’m going through it right now. As a high worth guy dating a model everything looked great from the outside. Her thing was ghosting me for days at a time. Fortunately I just stopped trying. Have no idea if we’re still a couple. I’m just staying no contact. And go it alone which I’m fine with
When you don't recognize the emotional abuse, things just feel confusing. Once you recognize it, everything you were confused about suddenly makes sense. It can twist your brain around ruminating on past behaviors or conversations that you're making sense of all at one. It takes some time to process it all.
it's also critical that you still know to retain your kindness and generosity, your giving spirit. Ultimately being nice comes from multiple complex reasons. Sure one of them can be a fear of confrontation or something, but it also comes from a deep wish to belong, to love, and for a greater and more beautiful world. good fortune to everyone.
I know what I think, feel, and want. I have had abusive girlfriends. When they are abusive I always call them out on it and yell in their face and spit back insults. That usually doesn't fix anything though. The reason why I have put up with their disrespect(never without retaliation) is not because I think I deserve it. I definitely don't. It's because it's so damn hard to get a girl in the first place. I don't want to have to go through all the BS and spend indefinite amounts of money and time to try and attract another one. I think this is a huge reason why many men are nice - not that they think they deserve the disrespect.
Been there mate. There are so many similarities to an experience I had this year. Was awful. Throught therapy I discovered that my fear of conflict and not being able to ask for what I need came from my childhood - Whenever I asked for something I needed from my parents it was met with diflection and anger most of the time. Working on it still to this day but I'll never get into that situation again. Excellent video.
Someone commented that she's been with the other dude while you were waiting. I can say maybe in most cases it could be true, but i think it depends on what her disorder is. If she's NPD than i can say yes probably another dude/someone else that took her attention from you. But if you're dealing with a sociopath, they can play this game without even doing something shady behind your back. They could just lay on their bed watching your calls and messages and do nothing, knowing it will mess with your head. Let's say that "at least" with the npds you know their attention is on someone or something else and you'll soon get the evidence that you'll start to look for. But with a sociopath you won't even have evidence of a shady behaviour behind your back because there can none, just playing you like a toy making you think they are doing things. Very messed up yes. I've been there
I remember you going through all that, my dude. I'm glad I could help you back then Fyi everyone else. he was a wreck from this chick and for good reason. ❤
Please consider getting out anyway. I've been in the same boat and am currently divorcing my wife because of it. We have a 3 year old son together and yes, it is causing me to lose time with him, but I genuinely think it's going to be better for him in the long run. What's better for the kids? Being around both parents in a bad environment full of emotional abuse 100% of the time, or being around a bad parent 50% of the time and a good parent the other 50% of the time? You'll be able to be a better parent to your kids in the time you do have if you get out of that environment as well. It's your choice, obviously, but I thought the same way at first and it wasn't until I realized this that I was able to make the hard choices that, I believe, will be better for me and my son. "Staying together for the kids" is preached by a lot of people, but it isn't what's best for them in the long run.
Hopefully men will be able to get support...my kittens name is Oliver he he Spread the word as you are for men who are psychological abused and living in silence
Hey man, Im just coming off the back of an unhealthy relationship and am making a channel around this. Talking about childhood trauma has turned up in adult relationships. It's really sad stuff. You're awsome mate, keep it up!
This brought up a bit for me. I have had a people-pleaser complex for so long and it's something that I really dislike. You said something along the lines of a people-pleaser is focused on becoming anything that they think a person wants them to be. Key phrase being 'what they think another person wants' which means that ultimately this is a self serving behavior that tries to look like it's serving others. I realized that aspect of myself through journaling a few years back and it created so many more questions. Where I am at now is am I the narcissistic one because I was serving me? I'm probably going to ask my therapist about it today.
I’m 13 years into a relationship and I have exactly this scenario but has spiraled out of control especially as of lately. Imagine your mother having open heart surgery and your significant other decides she hates your mother so much she’d just leave you on your own to tend to your sick mother day and night for 4-6 months and she didn’t even come to help or visit once. That’s one of so many other situations.
That's abuse mate. You need to get clear of her asap. You need to tell her you cannot possibly be in a relationship with a person who hates your mother. It's so disrespectful. She is literally telling you that you don't count. I'd say the fact that you have put up with such hurtful behaviour for so long means you have low self esteem.
So many women are like this with the mother in law. Mainly because women know ans understand how women operate, hence why they all hate eachother. I can guarantee if that was you neglecting her at her lowest point, with her mother laying on her death bed… you’d be straight out the door and demonised
I was in a casual relationship for two years, in which I honestly saw the manipulative and calculated traits of the other person from the beginning, but I constantly had to defend myself and show boundaries. Although I did not let the manipulator near my body, and I defended myself, it cost me an awful lot of energy and rather took away from my relationship, while she made a living from it. So the result is almost similar to if I let myself be manipulated without defense. I never got to the stage where I felt bad for her, but sometimes I was embarrassed for her in public or in a restaurant because of her inappropriate reactions. Even though I knew from the beginning that she was a calculating and manipulative woman, I saw her traits so for some reason I didn't walk away from the relationship even though I should have. After watching this video, I decided to end this "relationship" for good. I can blame myself, see all the problems, but do nothing. This is perhaps worse than not seeing it and allowing yourself to be manipulated in any way. Thanks for the video man! Good luck! I have a question, if there is a reason to end this relationship in a personal meeting or simply through a clear and concise message?
I was talking with several of my male friends over coffee recently. On the topic of women we all admitted to being assaulted...physically, socially, mentally and emotionally by at least 30 women....at least 30 women. For me its been far more. It's an epidemic in society how badly women treat men.
yup more men should talk about this. happened to me. and i believe we need to do something about it - they get away with emotionally men too often with no consequences
You will always have to rescue a covert narcissist. They will make your life hell. 7 years of marriage and two kids, I got the hell out and took my kids with me. I believe I saved us from a lot of suffering. Stay strong brothers
if someone shows you that you are second priority a few times, treat them as such, and watch what happens , truth be told this happend to me aswell, she used me for money in the end, some woman love to lie to you and themselfes about this stuff, be carefull about that kind of behavior. dont beat yourself up over it, hope you will heal friend.
I've seen this happen a bunch of times, it's not at all rare. Ok I just realised this channel is just for guys so I'll skedaddle, but, genuinely, all the best.
IVE BEEN TRAINED OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE THAT IF I DONT HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY THAT I SHOULDNT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL AND I WAS CONSTANTLY PUT IN TIME OUT WHENEVER I DID ANYTHING WRONG. IVE BEEN CONDITIONED THAT I HAVE TO BE NICE OR ILL BE PUNISHED AND ALSO TO SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ALONE.. ITS A LITTLE SCREWED UP TO CONSTANTLY PUNISH ME NOW EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE FOR THE WAYS I WAS CONDITIONED AS A CHILD.. I LITERALLY CANT GET OVER IT.. ITS WHO I AM..
After hearing you describe the "switching it up" and her trying to call you out for frustration when really she was the one to apologize, many right there will turn it into a "one off" when its not. An old saying goes: You don't need to drink the whole ocean to know its salty" this is the case many times that we aren't really getting the clues and its false mercy. we have to get to the bottom of each situation, and if the other party, girl, relative, stranger, friend don't want to get to the bottom of it, your going to be drinking way more salty water.
My partner has a really hard time being open and is hyper-sensitive. So when she feels overwhelmed, shame, or guilt it causes her to lie and blow up in a huge personal rage towards me, saying some very heavy hurtful things constantly and never takes accountability and often does thing that cross boundaries in the relationship I'm then blamed for, for trying to bring it up and recieve reassurance, transparency and team work. And when I am blamed, it's always about her problems, how she feels and how it's my fault etc. I'm aware it's really mentally abusive, I just made that commitment and am trying my best to hold it all together.
I think the biggest disservice to society, both men and women (but for different reasons) is when Daddy's little girl grows up, having never heard the word "No." It sets women up to expect the moon and star simply for existing, not because they earned it. It's the "spoiled brat syndrom" that then good men pay the price. In my own failed marriage, it was a 1 week or a week and a half cycle. We were good, things were going well, and then I was in trouble or she would get angry or upset at me. Then after a few days we'd return to being on good terms, then the cycle would happen all over again. I should have had the guts or courage to stand up to her and left her sooner. Everytime I did try to stand up to her she would out maneuver me in arguments, and the fallout would be doubly worse. I learned to just shutdown and ride out the storm. I actually have been hit or weak choked by her, but I was dumb for staying. It was always my fault and she could do no wrong. It was never her fault in her eyes. She also prescribed to feminism, so that may have had simething to do with it. Men, don't stand for abuse or disrespect. If she can't keep her shite head on straight, leave!
This really resonated with me this video i have deffinitley many times have been emotionally abused by women it still happens of today i have ptsd dealing with women.
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Married someone who was covert, and it took years of therapy, brother. Childhood trauma plays a huge part in all of this. Both parents were messed up.
Whose childhood?
I was with a covert and knew from the start about her trauma.
But she kept digging at my childhood trauma for some reasons then some nonsense took place with male best friend and I had to push her away.
When I really got into this stuff, I learnt she ticked every covert narcissist and other cluster B traits and I was emotionally abused.
Now these videos and books are saying I have childhood trauma that caused this to happen?
What is going on here and why do I need to go dig up my past when I already came to terms with it long ago?
@@shawnmclean7707 my therapist put it this way: when you were a child, your parents put you in a situation where your subcontious thought you were in life danger. So you develop coping strategies like being distant,cold or overly agressive or overt or maybe you put yourself higher then everybody else to cope with the issue your parents put your through. Problem is you are an adult now and dont need those coping strategies anymore, but since you`ve been practicing them for years and years it becomes a part of yourself you dont even recognize. so depending on the childhood trauma you can figure out in which type of dynamic you were in and what kind of coping strategies your subconsious has developed which dont serve you anymore. So for example, ones Parents argue A LOT and the child ( as children do) puts the blame on themselves, so the child tries to please the Parents in every way possible by becoming overly agreeable and neglegent of one self. A few decades later we call this type of person "Nice guy". of course the person can develop other issues due to not developing oneself and get other negative traits. But all in all thats how childhood trauma works. Child gets abused, child developes coping strategy, child grows up and becomes an adult, Adult still has those traits but they dont fit the life of an Adult so it becomes deconstructive.
Hope that helps
cheers
Years of recovering is realistic. They degrade your mind.
her or your parents were messed up?
Happened to me too. Coverts are the worst. You realise it when its way too late. And after they are done, everybody supports them and judges you. I have not a single friend anymore. F them all.
60 years old, a 25 year marriage, three beautiful children, divorced a long time ago, a bunch of female friends, a handful of intimate relationships. My experience, women take zero responsibility or rarely do. Stay single, happiness is being a man. It's bloody great!
Because you had a bad experience, you think no one should be in a relationship? This must be where all of the people with the best ideas gather.
If he was married for 25 years thats a large portion of his life, so he must be speaking from Experience, when a person speaks from experience respect it ,@@micahgmiranda
@@micahgmiranda This is a common theme. The amount of men with “bad experiences” is get way too much to be a coincidence.
@@vasilstefanov4112 well since it's not a coincidence, then I guess you were just destined to be single.
@@vasilstefanov4112 it's not a coincidence? What does that mean? You're destined to be single? With that mindset, there's no doubt.
This happened to me. Full on lack of accountability. Not allowed to have feelings. She used to say ' i am not responsible for your feelings' .. you have to get far away from people like this.
how are you doing today mate? And sorry to hear you went through this.
She had a point though… our mistake is that we somehow do feel responsible for their feelings.
She is right. She’s not responsible for your feelings. It’s called codependency if you want her to be responsible for your emotions.
I believe, yes, we are responsible for our own feelings.
However, when someone is sharing their feelings, it's an invitation to show you care about that person.
Personally, I believe we are losing touch with human connection, and we are gaining personal responsibility. I think it's odd, as we have always worked as communities. ❤
I hope these new concepts make us stronger as individuals so we can bring more to the table.
Yep I’ve seen this happen to several male friends of
Mine. Hell I have a sister that acts terribly toward her husband and there is no accountability whatsoever
Having suffered this many times from partners, teachers, and family, it's good to hear people talking about it. I've got much better at dealing with it, but still have a tendency to be a bit of a frog in a boiling pot. I think we as men just still have this social programming to just "deal with it" and put up with it for other's sakes.
Good comment Art.
We're trained from birth to hate ourselves. It's pretty tough to overcome that.
@@mrsherwood2599 but it can be overcome, and once it is it's like a veil lifted
@@arthogof a fine and true comment. I'm so grateful to be one of the bloodied yet fortunate ones.
I'm glad that men have this space and I would love to hear in what ways you feel you have to put up with things for others' sake, if you would like to share.
We never hear this side of it from men themselves.
Clicked on this for self awareness. I don’t think I’m abusive, but I’ve met a lot of really mean people who think they aren’t either. Thanks for speaking on the topic!
U probably are tho
@@DCANIMAL-skatesand you aren’t? i’m sure…
Ignore the comments, everyone will be mean sometimes, it stems from a primal urge and we spend our lives learning to manage and appreciate them. Self-awareness and reflection are key in this process. For happy relationships, both parties have to do so.
Thank you for your effort, and if/when you are mean, please forgive yourself. This video touched on some scars, and I find my response to pain or sadness has been anger or to go on the offensive, and I imagine others still might attack you. Please do not take their comments to heart or to represent them fully. It comes from pain, fear of of being hurt again, and not having a clear understanding of what to do about that pain.
God speed, Kings 👑
When noticing the problem becomes the problem, you know you're with a person who has no business being in your life. This is true of work and intimate relationships.
I think men possibly feel weak if they report such abusive behaviour that's why men need more support in our communities
Also, nobody will believe us if it happens. Or they don't care. Or they blame us saying it's our fault she abused us. We get it from all angles.
No they don't. That is false. They won't report it because it's literally dangerous to or at the very least utterly pointless.
Lol nope M.. talkbabout being emotional abused by w.... But when we do it then M.. silence us. The irony
Its more like if we report abuse is more likely that WE get punished for it than the actual abuser.
@einjharrelraca yes that too
Went thru the discard and now going thru the Hoover. My ex is a textbook covert narc. It's shitty what I put up with and you're right. It comes down to a lack of self worth and childhood trauma, lack of confrontation skill. I can be the best version of me, but it will never be reciprocal from her end. The only way to "win" is not to play.
The fact that women get away with stuff more than men in general adds to this problem.
No consequences for them ever
Finally a healthy masculinity channel. Solid adivce and very regocnizable story.
Inner child work is so important to live authentic to put real boundaries. I'm still working on it, but I've grown in a short time like never before. A broken heart really is one hell of a motivator and really shines a light on a lot of subjects you have to work on.
Every woman since birth has been this or done this to me. Even my mother and sister. Both divorces. Girlfriends. Never changes.
I'm sorry you have gone through so much pain and suffering. As much as we may want to, we can't control others or change the past, but we still have the ability to exert a lot of influence over ourselves. Sure, we might not be able to change our feelings or our desires directly, but we can take note of them, influence them, and ultimately, we decide what we do with them.
I hope you find happiness in life. Whether that be on your own or found with others, I hope you find what works for you. But I beg of you, please don't let the past control your future. People are individuals, similar individuals exist in similar environments or mindsets. To give into hopelessness or hatred, unfortunately, attracts hopelessness and hatred.
I say all this sincerely, not to blame you for what's happened to you (which if you do, please, PLEASE, forgive yourself).
However, from a brother to a brother, I must ask you to investigate this question and take action to test whatever answers you think of.
What can you do differently to be happy?
We don't live long enough to fix everyone and everything, but until everything is perfect, there's always something we can change.
What changes would make you happier?
Of those, what changes are possible?
Of those, what changes do you have control over?
Of those, what changes can you start working on in the present?
God speed, Kings 👑
A common theme i
I left my ex wife , three kids together and a house back in 2004 when I was early thirties . I look back in shame at my younger self and what I put up with . She was clinically insane . 13 years of madness . She got physical often till one day I just had enough and left . Best decision I ever made for myself , BUT the damage she did to my kids was criminal . I despise her for it . I always will . But karma plays its part . I have a great relationship with all three of my kids while they no longer keep in touch with her , nor does she make an effort with them . Toxic people wither on the vine of life . Full of hate and self loathing . All is well in my and my kids lives ❤ . Your video brought it all back , an invaluable topic for young men . Get out before these creatures ruin your life
My ex wore another man’s shirt home and I apologized for flipping our couch. The abuse cycle is powerful.
10 weeks ago, I finally got out. We were together for over 7 years. We saw 4 couples therapists. We have a nearly 3 year old, and own a house together, both of which were weaponised to coerce me into staying.
It was always turbulent, but post-covid, her mental health spiralled, and i became a punching bag. Sometime literally.
The nice guy thing is spot on. Ive been averse to conflict. My boundaries have been porous to the point that they were non existent. The challenge on this front is, that even when i stood up for myself, her absolute inability to take any level of responsibility for anything, and her refusal to let things go until they were "resolved" (ie i took full responsibility for everything), meant that i would eventually just cave. I must have said "I'm sorry" 10,000 times. I never received a genuine applogy. Ever. I would just be gaslit to the point of insanity.
The threat of losing my daughter was so pervasive. But eventually, i broke. I left.
And now, i feel alive again. There are still huge issues to deal with (custody and house), and of course she is allergic to empathy and reason, but not having to deal with the slow suffocation of living with her has been a liberation that is impossible to describe.
And all the fear that paralysed me into staying was ultimately unfounded. Its just band aid, only its made of shame and guilt and fear. But all it took was one moment of pure conviction to rip it off.
And now i step into my power, my worth, compassionate and kind, yet discerning and stron.
If you feel trapped, i see you. I was there. Its hell. But its a situation we freeze ourselves into, and ultimately choose.
We choose to be abused. I allowed it to happen. Me.
Never again. Big love to all the men out there. Thanks for shining a light on this topic, Oliver.
Amen brother
Brother im so sorry you went through that. I know exactly what you went through - I apologised that many times with my ex too. She held false claims of abuse over me and impacted my prospects of graduating teaching with charges I finally had dropped last week. I could go into teaching now but I’ve gone sideways with a job related to my undergrad + they gave me a Ute lol - I hope you get through this next stage with good conditions to see your child. Good Luck on the roller coaster brother.
oh man, I stayed also seven years in a very similar situation, only after one year since we broke i started to feel good again. Thanks to share your difficulties.
Therapy is not designed for men.
You nailed it brother . We choose to be abused ! Wow that’s powerful wisdom right there . I thought I deserved it many years ago
3 months split from the mother of my 7 year old. Finding it really tough to shake off the feelings of guilt. I left after an argument over nothing, but which included all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive interaction, (skirting round the issue, name calling, refusal to take ownership, gaslighting.) I've been feeling terrible, like i've failed my family and that maybe things weren't as bad as I thought. We had a recent interaction where she showed me the side of her that made me want to leave. Initially I felt relief, I felt like I was right to leave. The relief turned to sadness though, I was hoping I was wrong about her and that maybe we could try again. I take accountability for allowing myself to be the emotional punching bag for her. Thank you For the video Oliver I needed to watch this. I'm in need of healing that goes way back to childhood, I owe it to my younger self to sort my life out and become strong.
for me it seems that, after the fact, feeling like things maybe weren't as bad as they seemed is a hallmark of being gaslit for a long time. It's like you lose any sense of what reasonable vs. unreasonable behaviour is actually like, after being blamed for trying to have reasonable boundaries. hope this makes sense but I agree with what you said.
This was so refreshing to hear. It was good to hear a man’s perspective on being the receiver of abuse. Not many people are willing to talk about this very real topic. Also, many women are bad at holding themselves accountable. In our society it seems to indirectly be encouraged for women to abuse men. There are a lot of emotionally wounded women that feel this behavior is ok.
I myself am an emotionally wounded woman. I didn’t have good relationships with parents and caregivers growing up. My trust was broken by men and women who abused me. As I continue to get older I learn better ways of healing and interacting with others. I learn to be more accountable for my actions. In my 20s I admit I was a terrible partner trying to protect my fragile heart and ego, but after receiving that same treatment from an abusive male I once cared about I made changes.
I’m still the “nice girl” trying to learn how to be assertive in the proper sense of the word, but hearing about how “nice guys” suffer similar realities was informative. I’m rambling, but I appreciate your video and how it gives a different perspective on an issue many women say plagues them.
Personally I’ve given up on pursuing engagement with women because there’s such a widespread culture of pro “man-hate” that I found myself beginning to feel justified in relating to perspectives I previously found insane when I heard other guys express their jaded views on women so for me that’s when I realized there’s a sickness so deep it may not be worth touching with a 10 ft pole. I’m rambling 2, I hope our world can change tho bc our inter-personal skills as a species is awful.
@@coletaylor9847 agreed. I know this channel is aimed at men but I have also benefitted from this channel as a woman.
I was talking with several of my male friends over coffee recently. On the topic of women we all admitted to being assaulted...physically, socially, mentally and emotionally by at least 30 women....at least 30 women. For me its been far more. It's an epidemic in society how badly women treat men.
Well, that's the thing. Being able to look at yourself and identifying your own flaws "am I too mean" or "am I too spineless" is the first step towards becoming a better adult. No one deserves to be taken advantage of or to be made to feel like shit, men or women or anyone identifying as anything else. Good job on making those changes to yourself, never stop growing. And thanks for looking into the men's perspective-- I also make sure to hear women's side of things despite not being one. If we could all just get on the same page and stop the gender war, we could hold all abusers more accountable-- especially the ones that play victim or hide behind their gender for defense.
so I've done this to my ex girlfriend and everything about my reaction was the same as the woman in this story until my partner became angry/upset with me. I realized I did fuck up rather badly and apologized and realized I had been quite self-centered. We were about 20 years old.
Don't stick with a partner who dodges accountability
Dude this is clearly textbook Narcissistic Abuse. All of this.
Exactly! It is pernicious and is to be avoided. It can lead to all manner of problems if you don't get out.
A lot of women are narcissistic ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Vvomen ARE narcissists
This is primarily misandry. The tires are misandry and the steering wheel is narcissism. I wouldn't be so quick to skip the fundamental misandry.
It's so nice that you're talking about accountability and inner work rather than just writing all women off as is often the case around these sensitive topics! Love what you're doing here.
What you just explained has happened in quite literally all of my relationships, I managed to avoid a few toxic relationships as of the last year when I realised to trust my gut more. When you stick up for what your instinct tells you is an issue you can protect yourself from a lot of emotional damage
Nice guy here, hopeless romantic, the whole nine yards. My issue with the advice in this video is that I don’t think I wear a nice guy mask. As far as I can tell, by my very nature I just tend to care deeply about those I love. Taking off a mask is a lot easier than changing your character. I could be wrong in my self-assessment but, in any case, I don’t think 100% of “nice guys” are just playing some part to please others for their own benefit. Frankly, if acting sweet/thoughtful/nice is supposed to benefit me, it would seem in this man’s experience to be a remarkably ineffective strategy.
The "Nice Guy Syndrome" that he talks about in the video is the same thing as co-dependence which is, at it's core, basically an addiction to approval. I feel very much the same as you do based on your comment, but as I researched co-dependence I started to understand that it can be very harmful even if you only mean well. I would suggest looking up co-dependence and learing a little about why. Instead of a nice guy, I strive to be a good man. Those sound the same, but there's really a big difference.
This is great i’m dealing with a girl who doesn’t care about my feelings and wounds she caused me. She told me sorry but get over it
"Sorry but get over it"?
That's not an apology. She's not sorry, and she will do it again.
I'm the same and you exactly described my ex girl who was with fearful avoidant attachment and I with anxious. You miss that in my case I have fear of abandonment (she had it too) and people pleasing was part of avoiding abandonment - I'm unlovable so I need to be something else to please her. Also losing your boundaries and being afraid to upsert her comes from the constant emotional withdraw from her push and pulls and the break up and make up rip tide. I chose to stay believing we can heal together but always everything was my fault including why she decided to break up for good. She even told me that her happiness is my responsibility and I didn't make her happy anymore. In a sense my validation no longer spikes her insecurity I'm old news she had my unconditional love and she needs to go to the streets to chase someone who doesn't give it to her...
The nice guy mask is so real! I have also worn the nice girl mask before. It’s a little different because of society expectations for women is different but I can see how hard it is for men in this dynamic. It’s never okay for people to be emotionally abusive and I hope we all create healing spaces for each other. This is so helpful to understand your perspective and how to not be abusive as a woman.
Your profile pic looks scarily similar to my ex-gf. Seriously, you look just like her.
I know you're not her though b/c she would never write anything that even hinted at accountability on her part or anything that tried to see the point of view of a man.
That woman seriously messed me up. I never dated anyone again and we broke up in 2010.
if it is you, I want you to know you ruined my perception of women, relationships, loyalty, and trust.
Emotionally and psychologically abused by my mother which lead me to a nervous breakdown. I now understand her covert narc ways and she is no longer in my life. I’m still healing and it’s a long journey to building my own identity and emotional health back. Thank you for sending this message brother
thank you for this. i’m 35 and had my first ever toxic relationship that lasted 3 years. at first it was great but it turned sour. i tried hanging out because when things were good we were perfect for each other but when things are bad they’re terrible. you got yourself a new subscriber
Its always the same pattern, as if these people were in the same how to be toxic elementary school 😅the breadcrumbing makes you literally addicted, and these people know it. They Thrive on control and power dynamics. The only way to win this "game" they're playing is to not to play anymore, which means no attention. People like this think attention and love is the same. They dont care if its positiv or negative attention + they thrive on your emotions. To Quote Joe Dispenza: Where you place your attention is where you place your emotion and where you place your emotion is where you place your energy. If someone can make you mad or sad, they can control you and they suck your life energy out of you. Let go, live your best life without them. This will piss them off the most, they will spiral in their cycle of misery again and again. Dont fall for the hoovering afterwards and dont try to save them, as good people like you and me usually do. It won't work. In the end it makes things worse, they get a narcisstic injury and feel entilted for revenge. They gonna try to destroy you, smear your name and worse. Trust me guys I exerpienced it first hand...^^
So well said…. Sounds like you are familiar with HG Tudor’s work - he breaks down narcissism with such profound accuracy and has helped me tremendously to understand how these people operate. Power, control, fuel (our life force), stealing our character traits to manipulate others and residual benefits are what they care about, not the actual person - they don’t know how to emotionally connect with another human being and they don’t know how to love - the majority are completely unaware of their own narcissism… anyway, enjoyed seeing such a thorough reply on narcissism - cheers to healing the heart journey!
The only solution for me then is to never be intimate with anyone ever again because it's all gonna be either taken away or it's gonna fall apart. And that's a dark place to be. No hope. No nothing. Just pain
@@smokingcrab2290 you attract what you radiate outwards. If you don't face your inner stuff you will keep attracting the same type of woman. In the end you will give up and come to the conclusion that all women are bad. People don't realize that its not men or women who are bad, but a special type that u keep attracting. I had to learn that the hard way too. work on your self and dont give up. Remember: Anyone can give up. Its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength.
This is the second comment i've seen from you, where you use 😅
Is that your favorite emoticon?
I feel we get too wrapped up in this idea of a person being a narcissist, covert, or whatever label you want to put on them.
Focusing on ourselves and not about the games people are playing go a long way to allowing us to grow, not put others in a box, or get carried away by our own bias/heuristics.
We also have to stop being victims and playing into these victim narratives: making people to be the enemy, boiling down people to archetypes, making self fulfilling prophecies.
God thank you mate. Thank you. This inspired me to finally block her contacts, finally make sure she never reaches back. I finally confronted her on her constant retractions and she broke it off in an INSTANT. No discussion, no regard for my feelings, nothing. Wasted the last 6 months hoping to fix things until I saw this and I’m looking back at the signs. We are over and I’m going to ENSURE I stay clear.
Wife is a classic covert. She never takes accountability for anything, zero…She only gets angrier and angrier blaming others for her behavior. She verbally goes “for the throat” saying the worst things that come to her mind. I verbally tip toe through every conversation to not instigated her to lose her mind. I figured this out a few years ago. I’m kinda stuck due to the kids and finances for the next few years.
I think most women will emotionally abuse their man if they don't respect him.
This happens if he has weak boundaries and is easily controlled.
She will start to despise his weakness and then become abusive.
But at the same time she won't tell she wants him to stick up for himself because then its too easy for him and not indicative of a backbone anymore.
Unless she is anti-social then she wants him to stay weak but most women don't fall in this category.
So she generally WANTS you to stick up for yourself.
I think your perspective will change completely if you realize that the women are doing it to push you into being a man.
Sure there are people that take it too far or are callous. But the most dangerous man is a complacent man, who unable to make boundries, and gives into hedonistic lifestyle enabling the evil around him. The most dangerous woman is an untethered woman, who tries to control every variable in her life, and has nothing to challenge and check her.
God needs us to submit to Him and meet the role and vocation He made for us at birth. Men need to know God, the Church, their Vocation, and their Identity. They are to submit to God and sacrifice for others and their family. Women are the same but they submit to God and who would be their husband.
Things are more complicated and simpler than we realize.
Yes there are women like this, but there are also women out there who are mature, and have empathy for their partner. Women who are nurturing and have a general level of respect for other people in all situations. They have enough self awareness to not let themselves be abusive towards someone, even when the relationship is in turmoil.
Just like there are men who would never become abusive under any circumstances.
You don't want an adult baby for a partner who is ready to become abusive at any moment.
@michaeldonaghy3997 idk, i've never seen a weak men not be disrespected generally by his wife or girlfriend.
@@michaeldonaghy3997 Yeah I mean all people are able to do evil acts.
I wonder if we taught boys growing up to be selective in women just as we teach girls growing up to be selective with men, how much better off we can avoid situations like this?
I feel like there's an unwarranted 'innocence' that women are just granted which is just not helpful to anyone.
They fought hard for good reason to be treated as equals in society, which is a great thing; it sort of betrays that idea if they're still infantized like this.
Thanks mate really great video. There is a lot of nuance with this topic and I think you explained it perfectly. I also like how you repeatedly mention that the abuser is wounded as well. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it humanizes them, unlike a lot of red pill content.
you are you and always be you, don’t let others be you because the. you’ll change into them and then they will not like that and make it your fault.
This vid was good to me. My gf is so pointed in her criticism, it's like a subconscious conversation with her abuse. After I'm away from her I think about what she said and how disrespectful it was but in the moment I don't even recognize it for what it was. I'm done, we're done. I shouldn't have to spend time with her defending myself.
If you are the one who always has to work hard to keep the relationship going, if you feel 90% of the effort is coming from you then she is using you. Sounds like there is too much overthinking on your part. Low self esteem, a history of lack of affection in your upbringing can set you up to not know what to say when you're being put down by a girl. Start laying down some boundaries; doesn't mean you have to put her down in turn. It's actually stronger not to be reactive, to stay cool, and let her know that there will be consequences from you for such behaviour. She will probably test you, and then you end the relationship. Make sure you're the one who walks away. At the moment you're under her thumb!
@@jasonsanders8091 you're right but I'm trying to learn healthy behaviors and YOU are helping me so I thank you. I appreciate your straightforward and strong approach.
Sorry I thought you were the guy who made the video.
Actually not I already dumped her
The first sign I was in an emotionally abusive relationship was when I went to my gf's home town for the first time. She said she was going home to get changed, left me in the pub for 5 hours, and returned completely pissed in the same clothes. I caught the last train home and unfortunately took her back the next day. The abuse got worse and worse. She hit me on a few occasions. Everything was about her. I wasn't allowed to hold an opinion or do my own thing without her interrogating me about what I was doing. I've now got complex PTSD from that and other traumas and I don't trust anyone, women specifically. That was my first and last relationship.
Finally found a non toxic channel to help me
You have no idea how much that comment means to me, mate.
Just broke out of my 7 year abuse cycle. I had to move across the country to be free of her abuse and that almost wasn’t enough.
I can relate to this. Now I’m in a court battle over our son whilst she continues her lies and manipulation to try and keep control over everything. She is extremely vindictive and is very angry I’ve had the audacity to challenge her through the legal system after realising I need to protect my parental rights. Absolutely zero accountability who is never wrong and infallible, or so she believes. Women are not sugar and spice and all things nice as often described to us as young guys growing up!!
Bro you are getting a sub.
Am happy someone is taking about this issue, I noticed this year's ago and ever since avoid relationships that I don't feel grounded free and unstressed.
It’s funny when you mention the red pill issues. Some are very true, but I totally agree. Men act like so many women don’t experience the same issues of infidelity, lack of respect, etc. We are definitely different, but many of these things are not gender biased experiences. So many of the videos just claim women “ruined” everything, but we need to reflect as men and do better! Doesn’t remove women’s responsibility when we self reflect.
When I was broke and desperate I wrote content for a red pill UA-cam channel.
After doing this for 6 months I learnt the philosophy of the red pill inside out and backwards.
And I can safely say that it's 90% confirmation bias, a lack of self-reflection, very little empathy and a boatload of reductionist groupthink.
You said it best mate. We are different, but most of the issues we face aren't as gendered as we think.
I think it's a sobering and connecting thing to realise that we are far more similar than we are different. Maybe the world needs that kind of realisation at the moment.
Realness. I think perspective is very important of breaking out of this cycle. Ive been in the relationship you describe. But she wasnt the abuser and i wasnt tte victim. In fact i choose to stay because the dynamic served my core belief that i wasnt good enough. I had zero boundaries. And any woman will be seen as emotionally abusive to a man with no boundaries. Ending a relationship before this is understood will just start another one that ends up in the same place.
Face the internal shame. Rediscover who you really are. Find self love, and in tern love for others. Forgive and all will be forgiven.
Id wait an hour for love. I wouldn't wait 5 minutes for hate. ❤
"....And any woman will be seen as emotionally abusive to a man with no boundaries...."
Let's not shift the blame from the aggressor to the victim. A person who does not care about his boundaries becomes an easy target only for those who know how and want to take advantage of him. Emotionally healthy people will commit emotional violence against her, or rather provide advice and support.
@sceen7675 yes good point. I just feel that none of the women who become "emotionally abusive" to me were inherently abusive , but seemed to be that way from my perspective when I was unable to set boundaries/assert myself. I wonder if a different woman may have helped me grow to have boundaries instead of just taking more.
I like to continue to view the solution as a "starting with me" mindset. Overall I'm trying to get away from any abuser/victim narrative because I think either label can be claimed from either side of an unconscious relationship.
But maybe I'm just still to "nice" to point out an abuser. Or to afraid of judgement with 1 finger pointed at my partner, but feeling 2 fingers being pointed back.
My healing journey right now has ultimately detached from constantly looking at my relationship, to actually one of continued relationship to myself. Good things seem to be flowing from this place.
Thanks for your reply ❤️
Haven’t watched everything but while I don’t agree with the red pill saying it’s your fault as well for her abusing you is just insane. Sure there is two in a relationship but no person man or woman should ever take responsibility for getting abused that’s bloody ridiculous. We can get addicted to just about everything out there like games, porn, drugs and even abuse so no, no one should ever feel responsible or take accountability for an abuser actions no matter how long they got stuck in their hell.
I do think it’s important to acknowledge the fact that you had or have the power to put an end to it. And as long as you don’t you are feeding the dynamic aswell.
He said "staying"
You changed it to "getting abused"
You replaced STAYING with:
1. "her abusing"
2. "getting abused"
3. "abuser['s] actions"
You had to.
If you hadn't changed "staying" it would've been too obvious you're completely full of shit.
my trauma with a past emotionally abusive relationship set me up to sabotage my last relationship and change it from a healthy one to another emotionally abusive relationship. make sure you heal from past trauma before engaging in another relationship with someone that could be good for you
Great explanation of the topic. Dr. Robert Glover's book is fantastic, but somewhat dated in a few areas for guys from newer generations especially. One thing in particular is that he uses the term "Nice Guy Syndrome" to describe what is actually co-dependence in men. He doesn't ever say it's the same thing in the book, but I've heard him acknowledge that it is in interviews. I understand his desire to not use the term, especially cause it is regularly and easily misunderstood, but co-dependence doesn't just affect men and there are a lot more resources to help with it that you won't find if you're just looming for help with "Nice Guy Syndrome." I just think it's important that nice guys are aware that what they're dealing with is co-dependence.
I have been in a dysfunctional relationship for over 20 years now. It has been like a wild roller coaster. Self-blame, self-pity, shame, emotional fatigue, physical fatigue, you name it. But at some point, I bounced off. Started taking care of myself, dress better, workout, good diet... Simply speaking - prioritise my own needs and not to give a crap about the numpty and her messed up brain. When children grow a bit more, I will be moving on. In a way, there has been a positive side of this relationship - having gone through a great deal of hardship, I grew balls and learnt how to be content with my own self (children is a bonus).
Thank you for sharing your journey (tragic). I am a grandmother who has endured many violent men, starting around 2 years old. I appreciate this thought process because I now have 2 twin grandchildren, boys who are 16 years old. One who shows his heart was stood up at homecoming 😢. He tried to play it off😢. Please continue to share and stand against narcissistic abuse ❤
I want to lend an explanation for why you felt off center and guilty for everything- through turning these situations back onto you, where you started to feel like it was your fault and that you couldn’t do anything right, you started to feel responsible for her emotional world. You didn’t know what to do, or how to do it, because the next move you made could blow up in your face. Like you’re crossing a minefield and you don’t know where the mines are.
This emotional volatility of hers where if she was upset, it was because of something you did, made you feel like you were causing her emotional response. You were therefore responsible for how she felt, all the time, and this is why you feel like you were “walking on eggshells.”
This is a tough distinction to realize, because in a way, you do affect your partners emotions. But their response to things is not solely because of your words or actions. It’s everything that they have experienced, past trauma, etc. And those things are not your responsibility. You only have the responsibility of intending to be kind, respectful, and take accountability for what you’ve truly done. This is something that I personally had to do a lot of hard work to realize, because this is the main reason that I felt so much guilt and shame from my first relationship.
Look up
Darvo
Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim
Offender
Hope this helps mate.
It's amazing how slight differences on language can make such a huge difference in understanding. I feel like this understanding has floated in my mind for sometime, but I lacked the language skills to understand what I wanted to think.
Like the video, I felt guilty for my outburst to mistreatment. Going to therapy, I think my therapist was trying to express what you said, and I understood I intended to be kind and respectful, but I had gone 180° on taking accountability. In all honesty, it was years of this back and forth feeling of hating myself for hurting someone I loved and hating her for hurting me so much. That distinction for what I'm accountable for has lacked words to describe it, and I'm so grateful that I came across your wisdom. With words to describe action, a clearer vision of the kind of man I want to be has shown itself. Hopefully the next step won't take as long as the first 🤣
Stay strong Kings 👑
@ I would like to recommend a UA-cam channel and a wonderful woman named ‘Lise Leblanc’
Also I want you to do me a favor and look up her name along with the term “reactive abuse.”
I have spent a long time thinking and reflecting on the things that I went through, and although I never had outbursts against her, I know how much shame that would have filled me with. You seem like a wonderful, self reflective, and thoughtful person. Those things will serve you well in the future my friend.
I greatly appreciate your comment and I’m glad that I was able to share something from my reflections that has helped you.
@@JoshuaMartinez-ml5hlI want you to look up “Lise Leblanc” and the term reactive abuse. I greatly appreciate your comment, and your self reflection and desire to understand what happened is going to serve you extremely well in the future. What I’ve shared is just a tiny shred of the things I’ve come to realize, as these kinds of dynamics are so complex. But I’m glad I was able to help in some way.
@ “Lise Leblanc- trauma bond”
Having accountability for staying with an abused is one of the strongest things you can do. Level up out there people let’s take responsibility for our complacency in abuse, don’t be ashamed, love yourself and give
Yourself grace that you’re only human and try and do better
Hi Oliver, thanks for sharing your story. I was emotionally abusive in my early to mid 20s, but at 25, I had a severe mental breakdown after losing someone, and started receiving therapy. Therapy helped me see my toxic behavior. I always knew my behavior had been toxic, but before therapy, didn't know how to change it. Sometimes it takes an ego death to truly look yourself in the mirror.
Also, kudos to you for rejecting this victim mentality of the red pill/mgtow ideology. They are the mirror image of the feminists who call men evil.
With what you wrote one could only hope you stayed in therapy 😊
Not true. I'm mgtow and love women. Get your facts right before slandering people you don't know.
We are responsible for our feelings however, a good partner recognizes this and validates, shows empathy and concern instead of brushing them off!
well done. a voice of reason.
I think there's no reason you should ever get angry, it's a sign of spiritual immaturity, but no one has a right to tell you anything about that, but god and others who have resolved all anger within them
Thanks for bringing this to light. I went through it too mate. For the blokes out there who keep ending up in it, look into your childhood because you usually go for what is familiar. If you had a parent who rarely gave attention, made you walk on egg shells, or treated you poorly, it's more likely that you will end up gravitating towards that in your adult life
Good on you for speaking up about this
My ex-husband gave me the silent treatment for 30 days at a stretch...
To put it into context, I was a new migrant in Australia so I had absolutely no-one that I knew. He was the only person I knew in the whole country. I was only 22 years old at the time. He tried to break me, relentlessly... Glad to say he did not succeed!
It works both ways. Its not limited to women, although I do agree women are more susceptible to being covert narcissists.
This video isn't about men being abusive...this is like a not all men comment about a video that's discussing abusive men. He's not saying all women and he's not saying men aren't abusive...just that there's women that engage in behavior that is abusive
The whole point of this video is that abuse against men is vastly underrecognised. Everyone know men can abuse. It all we hear about. And if you look at male victims, the stereotype of the male abuser female victim is a serious problem that prevents help for male abuse victims.
I have a boyfriend that tends to say nasty things when we have miscommunication. I then don’t have a desire to have sex because I don’t desire affection from a person that chooses to be nasty with me because they can’t say what they need to say without being mean.
Thanks brother.
Good on you for
speaking truth.
Having a trio of
ladies - wife, daughter
and sister - simultaneously
trying with all their itchy witch
might to bust me to dust.
I appreciate your wise words.
We need all the support we can
get to defend ourselves, the self,
form external negativity.
So we can grow organically.
transform from base metal
hammered in indifference
into a beautiful gold work
of art.
A calm man is a happy man. Indifference isn't healthy, because its a lack of love. A man who loves himself, makes sure to not act out of self-hatred.
I’m a woman and was also a people pleaser who has ended up being abused several times, from friends and partners. Many people don’t understand how to set boundaries, because of past trauma, it’s not a male or female problem, it can affect both genders.
Being raised in a christian home by two narcissistic parents made it difficult to stand up for myself. Basically, I was told that I was wrong about most everything, and I was going to end up burning in hell for all eternity if I didn't listen and just do what I was told.
Then, reluctantly, my parents signed me into the military at age 17. I thought I was gaining freedom from home. Of course, I quickly realized that I signed up for more denegration in the infantry. Now, I had to consider the extreme physical consequences for screwing up in addition to all the spiritual dead weight that I was carrying - and we were still told to sit down and shut up, or you'll get courts martialed 😂
My final parent passed away recently. I feel like a weight was lifted, and I'm learning why.
Thanks for sharing your story and pointing out the negative effects of being a "nice, decent guy" in a straight forward way.
But I also have to add. There are woman who give silent treatment or go hours/days not talking to you etc.. then hit you with some affection and those words "I love you". That's emotional abuse imo. And for someone who craves their partners affection and love (like I do) it causes me to have a rollercoaster of emotions. Quite insane actually. Wow. Such an enlightening video.
100% agree with you mate and brilliant video 👍🏼
I'm glad someone has acknowledged that misandry has become a thing. Somehow, feminism had been perverted to mean supremacy-of-vengeance instead.
I also, unfortunately, doubt that we'll get any more support than the little bit we find in these communities.
So it goes. Off to ourselves, always at fault, no matter what.
I mean, even in my healthiest-ever relationship, nothing was ever her responsibility and only I had flaws.
It's why I've hit a place where I'd rather just isolated from everyone for my own safety. I've learned that I want to heal but apparently can't, while I'm indeed not wanted to heal at all.
Perhaps the takeaway is to be antisocial.
It’s not just nice normal guys who get abused. I’m going through it right now. As a high worth guy dating a model everything looked great from the outside. Her thing was ghosting me for days at a time. Fortunately I just stopped trying. Have no idea if we’re still a couple. I’m just staying no contact. And go it alone which I’m fine with
With experience you understand high worth, models etc is all bs in your imagination.
So grateful my dad was a G, taught me well
When you don't recognize the emotional abuse, things just feel confusing. Once you recognize it, everything you were confused about suddenly makes sense. It can twist your brain around ruminating on past behaviors or conversations that you're making sense of all at one. It takes some time to process it all.
This sounds so familiar , thanks for sharing this
it's also critical that you still know to retain your kindness and generosity, your giving spirit. Ultimately being nice comes from multiple complex reasons. Sure one of them can be a fear of confrontation or something, but it also comes from a deep wish to belong, to love, and for a greater and more beautiful world. good fortune to everyone.
Great Stuff Oliver
Thank you so much for this video, It made me happy because I don't feel alone in my situation.
I know what I think, feel, and want. I have had abusive girlfriends. When they are abusive I always call them out on it and yell in their face and spit back insults. That usually doesn't fix anything though. The reason why I have put up with their disrespect(never without retaliation) is not because I think I deserve it. I definitely don't. It's because it's so damn hard to get a girl in the first place. I don't want to have to go through all the BS and spend indefinite amounts of money and time to try and attract another one. I think this is a huge reason why many men are nice - not that they think they deserve the disrespect.
Been there mate. There are so many similarities to an experience I had this year. Was awful. Throught therapy I discovered that my fear of conflict and not being able to ask for what I need came from my childhood - Whenever I asked for something I needed from my parents it was met with diflection and anger most of the time.
Working on it still to this day but I'll never get into that situation again.
Excellent video.
💯 Loving this new commitment to self, even tho it strange and tuff at times
Someone commented that she's been with the other dude while you were waiting. I can say maybe in most cases it could be true, but i think it depends on what her disorder is. If she's NPD than i can say yes probably another dude/someone else that took her attention from you. But if you're dealing with a sociopath, they can play this game without even doing something shady behind your back. They could just lay on their bed watching your calls and messages and do nothing, knowing it will mess with your head. Let's say that "at least" with the npds you know their attention is on someone or something else and you'll soon get the evidence that you'll start to look for. But with a sociopath you won't even have evidence of a shady behaviour behind your back because there can none, just playing you like a toy making you think they are doing things.
Very messed up yes. I've been there
I remember you going through all that, my dude. I'm glad I could help you back then Fyi everyone else. he was a wreck from this chick and for good reason. ❤
This hit home hard, almost an exact description of what I’m in right now and I have no idea how to get out without losing time with my children
Please consider getting out anyway. I've been in the same boat and am currently divorcing my wife because of it. We have a 3 year old son together and yes, it is causing me to lose time with him, but I genuinely think it's going to be better for him in the long run.
What's better for the kids? Being around both parents in a bad environment full of emotional abuse 100% of the time, or being around a bad parent 50% of the time and a good parent the other 50% of the time? You'll be able to be a better parent to your kids in the time you do have if you get out of that environment as well.
It's your choice, obviously, but I thought the same way at first and it wasn't until I realized this that I was able to make the hard choices that, I believe, will be better for me and my son. "Staying together for the kids" is preached by a lot of people, but it isn't what's best for them in the long run.
Hopefully men will be able to get support...my kittens name is Oliver he he Spread the word as you are for men who are psychological abused and living in silence
Yes a taboo topic that made one of your most successful videos and gets the algorithm recommending 50+ more identical videos on the same topic
Hey man, Im just coming off the back of an unhealthy relationship and am making a channel around this. Talking about childhood trauma has turned up in adult relationships. It's really sad stuff. You're awsome mate, keep it up!
This brought up a bit for me. I have had a people-pleaser complex for so long and it's something that I really dislike. You said something along the lines of a people-pleaser is focused on becoming anything that they think a person wants them to be. Key phrase being 'what they think another person wants' which means that ultimately this is a self serving behavior that tries to look like it's serving others. I realized that aspect of myself through journaling a few years back and it created so many more questions. Where I am at now is am I the narcissistic one because I was serving me?
I'm probably going to ask my therapist about it today.
I’m 13 years into a relationship and I have exactly this scenario but has spiraled out of control especially as of lately. Imagine your mother having open heart surgery and your significant other decides she hates your mother so much she’d just leave you on your own to tend to your sick mother day and night for 4-6 months and she didn’t even come to help or visit once. That’s one of so many other situations.
That's abuse mate. You need to get clear of her asap. You need to tell her you cannot possibly be in a relationship with a person who hates your mother. It's so disrespectful. She is literally telling you that you don't count. I'd say the fact that you have put up with such hurtful behaviour for so long means you have low self esteem.
So many women are like this with the mother in law.
Mainly because women know ans understand how women operate, hence why they all hate eachother.
I can guarantee if that was you neglecting her at her lowest point, with her mother laying on her death bed… you’d be straight out the door and demonised
I went thru two of these, bro.... 2 years each.... and then also lifetime of my narc mom, and narc dad.... insane, man....
This sounds EXACTLY like a relationship I was in 3 years ago. I know exactly where you’re coming from.
I was in a casual relationship for two years, in which I honestly saw the manipulative and calculated traits of the other person from the beginning, but I constantly had to defend myself and show boundaries. Although I did not let the manipulator near my body, and I defended myself, it cost me an awful lot of energy and rather took away from my relationship, while she made a living from it. So the result is almost similar to if I let myself be manipulated without defense. I never got to the stage where I felt bad for her, but sometimes I was embarrassed for her in public or in a restaurant because of her inappropriate reactions.
Even though I knew from the beginning that she was a calculating and manipulative woman, I saw her traits so for some reason I didn't walk away from the relationship even though I should have. After watching this video, I decided to end this "relationship" for good. I can blame myself, see all the problems, but do nothing. This is perhaps worse than not seeing it and allowing yourself to be manipulated in any way. Thanks for the video man! Good luck!
I have a question, if there is a reason to end this relationship in a personal meeting or simply through a clear and concise message?
I was talking with several of my male friends over coffee recently. On the topic of women we all admitted to being assaulted...physically, socially, mentally and emotionally by at least 30 women....at least 30 women. For me its been far more. It's an epidemic in society how badly women treat men.
Your choice to take that abuse.
yup more men should talk about this. happened to me. and i believe we need to do something about it - they get away with emotionally men too often with no consequences
You will always have to rescue a covert narcissist. They will make your life hell. 7 years of marriage and two kids, I got the hell out and took my kids with me. I believe I saved us from a lot of suffering. Stay strong brothers
if someone shows you that you are second priority a few times, treat them as such, and watch what happens , truth be told this happend to me aswell, she used me for money in the end, some woman love to lie to you and themselfes about this stuff, be carefull about that kind of behavior. dont beat yourself up over it, hope you will heal friend.
This may sound strange, but this is how my family/sisters are. And it’s such a mind-fuck.
On point. Too bad this came to my life 2 years later dating an emotionally abusive woman some time ago.
Great video. Came at a great time. Thank you for sharing your personal journey
I've seen this happen a bunch of times, it's not at all rare. Ok I just realised this channel is just for guys so I'll skedaddle, but, genuinely, all the best.
IVE BEEN TRAINED OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE THAT IF I DONT HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY THAT I SHOULDNT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL AND I WAS CONSTANTLY PUT IN TIME OUT WHENEVER I DID ANYTHING WRONG. IVE BEEN CONDITIONED THAT I HAVE TO BE NICE OR ILL BE PUNISHED AND ALSO TO SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ALONE.. ITS A LITTLE SCREWED UP TO CONSTANTLY PUNISH ME NOW EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE FOR THE WAYS I WAS CONDITIONED AS A CHILD.. I LITERALLY CANT GET OVER IT.. ITS WHO I AM..
After hearing you describe the "switching it up" and her trying to call you out for frustration when really she was the one to apologize, many right there will turn it into a "one off" when its not. An old saying goes: You don't need to drink the whole ocean to know its salty" this is the case many times that we aren't really getting the clues and its false mercy. we have to get to the bottom of each situation, and if the other party, girl, relative, stranger, friend don't want to get to the bottom of it, your going to be drinking way more salty water.
My partner has a really hard time being open and is hyper-sensitive.
So when she feels overwhelmed, shame, or guilt it causes her to lie and blow up in a huge personal rage towards me, saying some very heavy hurtful things constantly and never takes accountability and often does thing that cross boundaries in the relationship I'm then blamed for, for trying to bring it up and recieve reassurance, transparency and team work. And when I am blamed, it's always about her problems, how she feels and how it's my fault etc.
I'm aware it's really mentally abusive, I just made that commitment and am trying my best to hold it all together.
Does she hold her commitments back? It there true reciprocity and respect? If not, then I don't think you owe your staying to her.
Thanks for thia
This was a helpful video. Thank you
I had a woman like this for 10 years. I was a Simp. it was all my fault…I quit her, and stoped beeing an idiot. Easy.
Alot of relatable things said, good information. thanks.
I think the biggest disservice to society, both men and women (but for different reasons) is when Daddy's little girl grows up, having never heard the word "No." It sets women up to expect the moon and star simply for existing, not because they earned it. It's the "spoiled brat syndrom" that then good men pay the price.
In my own failed marriage, it was a 1 week or a week and a half cycle. We were good, things were going well, and then I was in trouble or she would get angry or upset at me. Then after a few days we'd return to being on good terms, then the cycle would happen all over again. I should have had the guts or courage to stand up to her and left her sooner. Everytime I did try to stand up to her she would out maneuver me in arguments, and the fallout would be doubly worse. I learned to just shutdown and ride out the storm. I actually have been hit or weak choked by her, but I was dumb for staying. It was always my fault and she could do no wrong. It was never her fault in her eyes. She also prescribed to feminism, so that may have had simething to do with it. Men, don't stand for abuse or disrespect. If she can't keep her shite head on straight, leave!
I never realized I was being abused. No one seems to care when women abuse men.
This really resonated with me this video i have deffinitley many times have been emotionally abused by women it still happens of today i have ptsd dealing with women.