The price of invulnerability: Brené Brown at TEDxKC
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- Опубліковано 11 жов 2010
- TEDxKC talk synopsis: In our anxious world, we often protect ourselves by closing off parts of our lives that leave us feeling most vulnerable. Yet invulnerability has a price. When we knowingly or unknowingly numb ourselves to what we sense threatens us, we sacrifice an essential tool for navigating uncertain times -- joy. This talk will explore how and why fear and collective scarcity has profoundly dangerous consequences on how we live, love, parent, work and engage in relationships -- and how simple acts can restore our sense of purpose and meaning.
Speaker: Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work where she has spent the past 10 years studying courage, shame and authenticity. She is the Behavioral Health Scholar-in-Residence at the Council on Alcohol and Drugs and has written several books on her research.
www.brenebrown.com/welcome
www.TEDxKC.org/
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Who's grateful that they've heard of Brene Brown? And that she's doing what she does, of course.
I don’t know why I am crying. I guess maybe it is because I am afraid to not be accepted if I show my true self to everyone, but at the same time I want joy, love, and authenticity.
I'm right there with you. I hope you have found your joy, love and authenticity by now. I see you left this comment two years ago. I'm just now seeing this video for the first time. Eye-opening for sure.
@@amyrenee1361 , Me too. I'm in the same boat. I'm going to try though - I am going to try.
Maybe you are crying for all of us who were raised to put up those fake shields that limit us. It's beautiful you're tears. Bless you!
Start by giving all of those attributes to yourself, for yourself. Drop any emotional masks you may have felt were necessary.
You are loved, joyous and authentic. Just by this comment.
vulnerability refers to the willingness to be open and honest about one's feelings and experiences, even if it involves some risk or potential for discomfort. Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen, even when you can't control the outcome. Being vulnerable can involve showing one's weaknesses, fears, and insecurities, as well as expressing emotions and asking for help or support when needed. Vulnerability is not weakness, but rather the most accurate measure of courage. It's the foundation of trust, connection, and innovation.
Great discussion on the dangerous impact of losing our tolerance for vulnerability in our culture. The fear of vulnerability causes people to avoid joy, experience disappointment as a lifestyle, disconnect, strive for perfection, and engage in extremism. The scarcity drives our intolerance for vulnerability because we live in a culture that tells us there is never enough and that an ordinary life is meaningless. Vulnerability is not a weakness but rather a strength that allows people to experience joy, love, belonging, creativity, and faith.
"We are losing our tolerance for vulnerability."
"Vulnerability is absolutely at the core of fear, and anxiety, and shame, and very difficult emotions that we all experience. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, of love, of belonging, of creativity, of faith."
"One of the symptoms that we're losing our capacity for vulnerability is that joy actually becomes foreboding."
"Perfectionism has nothing to do with striving for excellence and healthy-- it's nothing to do with healthy striving. People who I interview who are absolutely accomplished, and people who strive for excellence are the biggest negotiators and compromisers that I've ever interviewed."
"Faith minus vulnerability equals extremism."
"We live in a culture that tells us that there is never enough."
"In this world, somehow, an ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life."
"What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful."
Nailed it!
"We just stay so busy that the truth of our lives can't catch up. That's the plan."
Wow, that's the money quote right there. Nailed it, Brené.
Well it definitely caught up hard on the past few years 😐
I do this on purpose 😶 recently i went and got a second job
Symptoms of shame:
- When joy becomes foreboding or suspicious,
- Disappointment as a lifestyle,
- not wanting to get excited about things for fear of them not happening,
- Perfectionism,
- Faith - vulnerability=extremism,
- Numbing
But why are we intolerant of vulnerability?
- scarcity mindset
- nothing is safe/perfect/extraordinary enough, we‘re meaning less if all that‘s missing, sometimes the ordinary is a blessing (e.g. your family being normally healthy)
How do we embrace vulnerability
- practice gratitude
- honor what‘s ordinary about our lives
- play, play, play
- nature
- love, love, love
Thank you ❤️
Aniket Singh you‘re welcome ☺️
Thank you
Sounds like depression.
Useful summary, thanks for your help
Isn’t being vulnerable just us being authentic? We learn as children that we are authentic and loved or authentic and rejected. That’s why so many of us grow up believing we cannot be authentic and or vulnerable.
"We cannot selectively numb the dark experiences."
Sure ya can. Drink prodigious amounts of alcohol.
That was the best message
That jumped out at me too
13:08: "...you cannot selectively numb emotion...let me tell you, if vulnerability is a sharp edge, there may be nothing sharper than joy." = mindblown 💥
I guess the joy then ‚when and if it comes‘ makes the calculated decision of going through the insecurity of vulnerability all worth it.
Joy to me is soft; not sharp!
Can someone explain those sentence of "Sharp edge" ??
@@gaurav3290 Being able to be hurt or affected by someone else is a very vulnerable place to put yourself in. If you allow someone to touch you, it's can be very sharp if they hit you instead. That's the sharp edge of vulnerability. The same thing happens with joy. If you find joy in something, and it gets taken away - it's can be even worse.
“We all want to believe that we are not going to get hurt and that bad things are not gonna happen and they are.
There is a guarantee that no one talks about and that is
If we don’t allow ourselves to experience joy and love we will definitely miss out on filling our reservoirs with what we need when those hard things happen.”
This was so helpful for me. I keep feeling that feeling that I'm missing something and what is missing is the being in the moment by being vulnerable. My stomach is flip flopping just thinking of what that means. That is a good thing. I'm going to hug my sons really hard tonight.
Hey, How are you now ??
@@gaurav3290 I Wondered/Wanted To Ask The Same! Makes Me Feel Good About The Direction The Collective Consciousness Has Gone In The Past Decade (For The Most Part).
Even though she's speaking as a researcher, I find her talks touching.
Where?
Always
instablaster
Ms. Brown has more wisdom than I can DREAM to have. I love to listen to her on repeat.
She’s making a good living, that’s for sure.
Who cares what amount of money she is making, she deserves to be making a whole lot as she has done with so many of us that are learning why we are like we are. Namaste Brene 🙏 I feel blessed to have been shown your work in rehab. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and research with US 💗
Finally someone who sees that striving for the extraordinary is not the only fulfillment one can have in life. Thank you.
that last bit is so powerful just in itself. when i lost my dad, i didn’t want sympathy or sadness or pity or whatever, i wanted people to tell THEIR parents how much they loved them, it’s perspective and it’s crazy🥹
Vulnerability doesn't change who you are
It shows your capability for compassion being relatable. Makes you even stronger .
One of the best videos ever
I repeat again and again, I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable, I am vulnerable, and I am OK with that.
Wow! I work as an addiction counselor with active duty military! This is so helpful to present to them! To them, they are taught they being vulnerable is a weakness. I can present this to them as an educational! Thank you Brene' for your dedication to research!
My dad was military and he was unable to connect with us because he saw vulnerability as weakness for himself and us. It's really sad that they're trained that way
Brené Brown is hands down one of my absolute favorite people on this planet. She is boldly going in to the most important topics... The most important fields for real life.
People avoid talking about it. Well life is the whole package. Dive in, feel, play, eat, sleep🍫🍫
I spent 10 years working in ICU's and numbed my feelings to people's pain so
I could do what it took to care for them or at least that's what I thought. It took another 8 years to start really feeling people. I remember the day when i could feel someone else's physical pain as I cared for them, it overwhelmed me it was so intense, and i still struggling with the emotional numbness that is part of medicine today. As she said numbness shuts down the joy in life as well and I miss joy.
If you allowed yourself to feel all the pain of your patients - wouldn't that make you sick?
My wife got sick and almost died. After years of medical, she finally got back on her feet but during that time I had to numb everything to take care of her and stay functional. Now that she's finally better, I have to figure out how to live again.
I can only imagine how you must feel.
The dangerous thing is as a society, we are losing our tolerance and capacity to vulnerability.
Yep
I c iiii
I don't think society has ever had a tolerance for vulnerability.
This human was brought to my attention years ago… and has inspired me so very much. I’m so grateful she does what she does.
I am escaping vulnerability because of severe traumatic experiences and I have developed my own coping strategies. No alcohol no drugs but other. I have been running away for years, moving 2000 km away and each time I move I imagine I start a new happy life. But I never worked this through so wherever I go it goes with me...the nightmares, the anxiety, the suffering. I just found out (at the end of this speech) that by doing all those things to "protect" myself, I am unable to feel joy anymore.
Excellent talk, this should be watched by everybody.
In addition to what Brené showed, here is how I see vulnerability:
Vulnerability is something we all need, because it opens the way in which our true emotions and feelings flow and as humans we cannon't keep them in ourselves.
When you are vulnerable you are not thinking about what you are for the outside world but about what you are in you, and thus you break that barrier to release everything that comes right from the heart.
That's well said, I do agree, and calls to my mind an image from my Catholic upbringing of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and maybe why there's a barbed-wire like wreath of thorns wrapped around it
This is so true! for the longest time I couldn't watch a man making a fool of himself in a movie. I would just avoid that scene. But it's after listening to Brene, I learned my own tendancy to appear cool always and not let myself experiment and become a fool. It's still a challenge but atleast now I know where to work on!
I've avoided those cringe-worthy movie moments as well. Thanks for the verbalization!
I think men sometimes make fools of themselves, in movies or in life, to make women laugh. I think that is part of why those movies are popular.
I have the same experience. I can't watch people sing on the spot because I'm nervous for them. I'm scared they'll mess up and embarrass themselves. It's through your comments that I see now, I was projecting my fear and shame onto them. Thank you for this comment and for being vulnerable enough to share!
I never made that connection.
Thanks a lot for voicing that insight.
Totally get it!
It is safe for you, to be you!
"In the ordinary moments of our lives is really when we can find the most joy." Wow! I needed to hear that! I'm so weary of all the "live your best life!" b.s.!
Nice one
I have discovered the high cost of being invulnerable for the majority of my life. I’m currently cleaning up the wreckage that it left in its wake. Brené Brown has played a part in that process! ❤️ I love this human being !
How's That Been Goin' For Ya?
Some days it feels like a can of worms I should have left alone.
You're doing good. You're feeling. if you close it, what will happen? If you open it, what will happen? If you put your hand in fire, it will burn and hurt you, and you'll pull your hand away. If you think about how burned hand might feel, you'll be stuck in pain and suffer from the thoughts. So, if you can choose to avoid physical pain, why not choose to avoid emotional pain. At least you will not have scarves. Good luck with your choice .Good luck to be just YOU.🌹
There aren't enough...... videos/podcasts/etc of Brene Brown, presenting her work.
Nice one
Great talk. i have been struggling with vulnerability for as long as i can remember, believing it to be weakness. I appreciate this talk.
I was a nurse for 8 years. I also numbed my feelings and emotions there was no room for sharing it with anybody. There was no other way to keep doing my job than to shut down my feelings. It has resulted, 15 years later, in a breakdown. I've missed joy and trust for a long long time. I never understood what happened to me. And now I know. Thanks...
Going through life even afraid, but expecting good things based on faith and gratitude is fullfilling. We live in critical times hard to deal with for sure. Brene' articulates so well getting on... having a tight grasp on what's at stake, controlling herself and sharing her insights. Little gems sparkle around her. I am always delighted to hear her. Thank you.
THIS WAS AMAZING. Dear god this woman hit the nail on the head for everything.
Suzy Niederland I sure think so ! Amazingl introspection provoking.
Weakness and vulnerability are synonymous.
I-have abundance in my life being happy,joyous and free
excellent talk - she is spot on about all that perfection and invulnerability. it's a very thought provoking talk - I've watched it a few times already. Our lives are entirely vulnerable - we spend a lot of time trying to be secure and safe - which is to be expected but our emotions and hearts cannot be caged. that is the price of securing them.
Vulnerability can be both challenging and beautiful. It requires courage to be vulnerable, but it also opens up the possibility for deeper connections and understanding with others. Embracing vulnerability can lead to personal growth and stronger relationships.❤❤❤❤
true. iv numbed many emotions in order not to feel pain due to some situations and i now realize that i have not felt joy in a really long time
2020 during covid, I feel so lucky to have come across this.
The way to go to vulnerability: practice gratitiude and honor ordinary, cuz.. that what makes our life is extraordinary x) x)
After listening to two of Brene Brown's talks, she really strikes a chord, I live in the pacific north west, and i am lucky enough to have been exposed to a culture that has taught me to the to hear the music in the struggle of life, the west coast natives are always giving thanks, always honoring the ancestors, through participation and observation I have learned the power of vulnerability, i think they honor and respect it., it is nature.
I'm located there as well and it's true ☺ amazing what we can learn from our local brothers and sisters
me too
Almost 10 years ago I had to go numb so I can survive, and survive I did, well, some may say I excelled at it. Until COVID happened and I had to stop and sit with myself. I always hated days off school because I couldn't sit too long without being busy. I pictured my emotions of grief, pain, suffering, atc like a pressure cooker, can't just take one out without the lid blowing up and completely spilling it's content. I did NOT have time to slow down because we needed to survive every day. Until 2020 when it blew up and forced me to go in what I thought was going to be a couple weeks off work and became so much longer. I realized then I have mastered surviving at the expense of thriving. So I tried to put my energy into switching from surviving to thriving (not so easy when you still need to survive) and failed miserably no matter how and what I've tried. I have finally understood why in this talk and it makes so much sense.
I've heard of Brene Brown for years, but more from pop culture than any personal experience. WHY did I wait so long to watch her videos? I watched the Netflix special last night. In her special, she referred to her UA-cam video that got so much attention from the original Houston TedTalks - so I just watched that because I was crazing more Brene. I am really connecting with the importance of celebrating my ordinary life. Seems I've been chasing extraordinary moments for a lifetime. It's quite amazing to be alive in 2020 with everything going on. I will most likely watch/listen to this again to remind me of this important message.
The people down voting this video need this video more than anyone else.
I finally softened and loved someone, faced vulnerability, and expressed it to that person. Blew up in my face and lost the person. Ughhhh. Goodness I lost joy... but trying to find gratitude in the situation. 😥❤️
I also examine why certain situations make me anxious and try to get to the root of it (being accepted by others is a big one for me). But the quickest way is to connect with your internal sense of self (by meditating for instance). That in a way takes you out of the anxiety game altogether.
Thank you so much Berne Brown for doing this talk. This is one of the truest, most closest to the heart talk I have heard in a long time. We numb vulnerability and most of the time it is project akin to being weak and unable to cope with life. Vulnerability is beautiful cause it exposes us to us and our feelings, connections, and everything that makes us what we are as people. Thank you, for talking about this.
Brene Brown is SO easy to love! Best Teds ever, thank you!
I am not afraid of nothing and i dont think its a bad thing. I just say its not your only option.I am extremely proud of what i am and i am invulnerable.My life led me to this state and i can see how i am at better inner state than all happy people i know.I dont say not be happy i just say dont be blind abut the world around you.
'faith minus vulnerability equals extremism'
I am having issues in my relationship because of this. I show up time and time again without fear of rejection. My heart is on my sleeve. Without vulnerability, you will never know how to love. Without love we will never find joy. We need to slow down and appreciate the ones that are most important to you.
Very true.. I just hope people like her or anyone in a financially secure situation can understand and empathize with the ones that aren't so lucky.
This one is where she takes a work trip and panics from overthinking and thinking the worst. 12:48 is where she addresses the numbing of emotions.
Gosh... I had the whole family break out in song and harmonizing. I guess I'm an optimist.
I did too.....its weird people assume death, well not weird it makes sense after listening to this, but I wouldn't think that would be a normal reaction it isn't to me at all.
I did as well! Lol
You are! :) The lucky one
So did I! I was remembering my daughter when she was 2, singing Dashing through the Snow, gesturing with her little hands...and me driving. She kept telling to say Hey! with her. It was sooo sweet!
Not saying I don't ever have doubt during moments of joy, but I do try the gratitude way.
Same..she asked the question and I thought " they sing jingle bells?". I'm as afraid of vulnerability as the next person but also have a lot of gratitude. Perception counts for a lot.
Dr. Brown your a true healer in to many ways to count. Thank you.
“Practice gratitude. Honor what’s ordinary in our lives because that is what’s truly extraordinary. “❤️🙏🏼
"honor ordinary.."
thank you so much Mrs Brown
Neat and so on point. I know that I have been numbing and it is hard to feel vulnerable when the ship is going down. Thank you for your topic today. My problem is I tell lies when I feel I need to create distance between myself and others.
My problem is similar, but I tell my lies so that I don't appear less than my peers.
+Arianna Martinez Same here but how to really tackle this problem?
The only way to really tackle any problem really, when we don't know how or what to do, is to do something differently. It's trial and error, but it is how we learn. If we do the same action, we can always expect the same end result. ie: "If I lie, I can create some distance I need." Ok, so we want the same outcome, but at a lower cost to our relationships with others? Try something different and see how it fares. It may succeed, it may fail miserably, or it may land anywhere in between. Take the ones that turn out how you'd like and repeat them. Eventually, you may find yourself at "If I define a boundary within myself, and openly state it, I can create the distance I need, but without causing lasting damage."
I can't stress this enough. panic when its good is the fatalistic response
Thank you thank you thank you Brene for the clarity and compassion in shedding light on our numbing culture which is robbing us of love & joy when we so much to be grateful for. God bless you & your work💜
faith - vulnerability =extremism
that's crazy on point
“We cannot selectively numb our emotions”. If that’s true oh my gawd everything makes sense…
Men meeting up for a day together each carrying an opened bottle of beer - that‘s an example of ‚numbing‘. Hands up if you‘ve been there 🙌🏽
If you try to numb out negative feelings by default you numb out positive feelings like joy, be brave be vulnerable, be thankful
She is an awesome communicator. The symptoms had to ring some bells with viewers.
“It is much easier to live disappointed than to feel disappointed”. Auch 😬
I love her talks, but this is definitely the best one! I cried at the end. She really nails it on the head. My husband and I have been going through a crisis. He doesn't look into this kind of thing on his own. And part of the problem has been that he was no longer paying attention to anything I was about, therefore missing my attempts at self-help. It seems I'm always looking into self-help stuff, but not really getting anywhere. But today I asked him to listen to another of Brene's talks. One that didn't hit home in the first half; the one given at an artists' (?) conference. He did listen to all of it. And now THIS is the one thing, before anything else, I want him to listen to. I've already glimpsed into my own issues and he is just beginning. I truly believe this one talk will be the one to certainly put him on the path to healing himself, while I continue the same path, and then I believe we will be healing our relationship at the same time - to a degree. But we will be on the right path to finishing the work and being truly happy and content together. Thank you so much Brene. You are a gift!
Gena Howe wow.. how's it going now?, is your husband on board?
Well, did it put him?
@@SR-mv2mf He wasn't really ready when I wrote this as it turns out. I think finally now, he will be more receptive.
@@vikinggeorge7007 Not then, but it's likely now. He had too much else on his mind and he's one of those who absolutely cannot think about more than one thing at a time. THings are much better, but still need work. We'll see. I'll have to listen again myself. We ALL can get lost too deeply in everyday stuff and need wake up calls.
@@genahowe4206 Would you like me to talk to him if that would do any good? I have experience in helping people.
Tears at the end. Wish I could like it a million times.
Love this lady and her words
Your joy is a full well, dug by your own sorrow. If you do not allow one, you do not have the other.
Thanks, good video
The Eroticist
After seeing so many videos on "how to be invulnerable" it is good to see one that tells you that you don't have to . If your goal is authenticity, then you have to include vulnerability in the total package. And as many of us know, living authentically comes at a price.
Movies & tv shows have been deleting feelings for years, people who can't be vulnerable show tremendous weakness because, they can't express deep love & with out the journey of love, life isn't worth living.
Brene is one of my all-time favorite speakers. Her previous talks on shame and on vulnerability are incredible. I have used them in my team meetings and share that to be the best leader possible we need to lead from a point of vulnerability.
By saying that its "most beautiful, rich and fulfilling lives possible." it suggests that you have seen all the lives possible and that was the best there is.Where i can surely say its not. I have been vulnerable and now i am not. I feel almost eternal peace and clarity of mind and i am able to progress in my life and seeking of knowledge with nothing that can stop me. I am still to meet a happy person with that level of... freedom for the lack of a better word.
I am not disconnected from my internal sense of self but thanks anyway! I appreciate your good intentions!
Because of the title of this talk I had to listen very closely to her closing statement to understand . "...IN vulnerability weʻll find what really gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Thank you."
Loved her every word
Absolutely love this, have never thought of this
In all of my healing and spiritual journey... The last, the hardest and yet the most important behavior that I have struggled with is, vulnerability. But when consciously allow myself to be vulnerable, I experience a world of beaut iful and rich emotions
I got out of a traumatic experience and tried to numb the anxiety related and to wipe it from my mind by going blank whenever I thought of it, I ended up developing an involuntary trigger to go mentally and emotionally blank whenever I tried to think about anything and had to work for months to be able to think and feel again. it's dangerous stuff!
Nice one
I´m thankful for her heartwarming, thought provoking insights.
Omg this is for me ! What a precious gift of education and information for myself. 📦
Thank you for the very interesting talk.
I can relate to that when we repress shame etc we also repress joy.
I read somewhere that our safety lies in our vulnerability.
Much appreciated.
I can't get enough of Brene' . Have her books all underlined like my Bible. Listen to her over and over here and with Oprah hoping to let it sink into my insecure brain! Keep them coming Dr.
I love Brenè Brown! Such a brilliant mind! This speech is incredible!
I love her and am reading Rising Strong now. Thank you for sharing your passion with others.
Thank you, I am grateful for this wonderful talk.
life-changing, brimming with truth & softness 💗😍❤
I face it every second, and as we are as close as personal stories here is some more from my book. I almost died because a doctor miss judged me, i lied alone in a room with no windows in far away town with nobody beside me struggling for breath. My best friend was out there with a beautiful girl i found for him.And then my father died because of the same doctor his brother now wants to take every penny i have.My fathers last words were "you are not my son". Good game life :)
Always come back to Dr Brown's research. Love her❤❤❤
I once read that you must accept at least your vulnerability to yourself, sharing it with others depends on many things, I try to follow my intuition.
This is my favorite of her TED Talks.
this is SOOooo GOOD!!!!
At the beginning, she explains typical cases of Upper Limit Problem when we sabotage ou happiness. Check out Gay Hendricks on the ULP's and other destructive blocages and patterns.
Thank you. This was awesome!
We only need to reach out to each other ... I will be researching why we do NOT
..Awesome talk though.
Love your work! It touches the nerves
Brené, I love your talks. Thank you very much for all the research, analysis and introspection you do, then sharing your vulnerability with us helps us all to be empowered at whatever pace we can walk our path. For it's all a journey of self-awareness and other-awareness. Many of us haven't learnt to have gratitude, vulnerability, worthiness isn't instilled in all of us, quite the opposite, rejection, neglect, betrayal etc. So we wander down the wrong track or zigzag across it. You call it numbing. I call it escapism. I used to be forever running away from all of the pain but it always followed me. Eventually, I learnt that the only way to deal with the pain was to face it, embrace it and grieve through it and conquer it. Then it gradually diminishes, it loses control and power over me, then I can be vulnerable, because I realise that the darkness isn't as big as it seemed, it was decwption, it couldn't defeat me. Namaste.
Is it your personal experience that by facing pain..it get diminishes?? Can you tell me your process?
Learned a lot, thank you.
BEAUTIFULLY DONE!!!!! thank you !
I absolutely love you! Thank you for being vulnerable enough to put yourself out there ! Your knowledge and research is much appreciated ! Thank you for sharing !