I'm a full-time single mom of a 4 year old and what you said about not knowing how parenthood will treat you is true. My sweet girl has severe autism and speech delay...raising her without a village and support for me is so hard and often times unbearable. I never would've imagined that this is what my life would be..my heart aches for that poor girl I used to be who rocked her True Love Waits ring, planning her dream wedding in her mind. That's what gets me..even when a woman is pregnant she has all of these ideas about sleep training, baby led weaning, etc with no thought of how things may not work out how you planned. For me: I grieve over the freedom I thought I would have when I was so confident my daughter would go off and build a life she loves. I have to consider that I might be looking at caring for her until my life is over. I don''t know what the future holds but being carefree is a privilege I no longer have and worry/fear for what's to come (tomorrow and years from now) consume my life every moment of the day. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and letting us in! Congrats on your new chapter!!
@t o r i Prayers and blessings to you & your child. May God strengthen you and surround you with joy, help, health, & financial security when you need it.🌹❤🙏🏾
I’m a single mom by choice through adoption. I knew I would not regret a lack of partnership but would regret not parenting, and that I didn’t care about biology or pregnancy. I started as a foster parent. I’m blessed to be able to parent my son. I enjoy parenting. I can understand why some people decide not to do it. I have the means and support to do it in a way that I get to spend a lot of time with my child, and give him the life that I think he deserves.
I feel the same. I’m 28 next month but I realised a while ago that ‘the perfect partner’ number 1, doesn’t exist and no. 2, isn’t promised to me. I’m working on my financial future so that I can be a mother either biologically or not. This was is an incredibly powerful discussion to have. I’m glad to be able to listen in.
I was the married single mother. I left my marriage. These fairy tale stories of college/post graduate degrees, marriage, motherhood, home ownership, career, etc. have hurt many women today (myself included). I had all of those things and still ended up being a divorced, single mom. One of my goals is to teach my daughters better and to ensure they truly understand that motherhood DOES NOT make you more of a woman than a woman who is childfree by choice or due to health reasons. I've experienced both men & women who disparage childfree/unmarried women. Thank you as always for producing meaningful and substantive topics.
@@Debziiie Yes, just like no one's story is everyone's story. Your miles may vary. As you said married parenthood can work out for some, not for others. Her point on the importance on not prioritizing parenthood as your identity still stands.
That scares me, the fact that people can have degrees, marriage, parenthood, home ownership, etc. but can still end up divorced. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do in life and seeing lots of social media posts, reading research, etc. It's making me lean towards to the childfree side.
@@Debziiie "worked out for others" needs to be in *heavy* quotations. You really don't know what people have to deal with in their marriages or the families that they create. Many stories come to light from children or spouses that those families can often be toxic. It's just important to be realistic and value healthy relationship dynamics without being stuck on a single format/model. The Nuclear family is not realistic or practical. Often times children and parents need more than just each other. That's why it takes a village to raise a child.
I went through a similar grieving and letting go of the life I thought I would have in my mid thirties. Then I got married at 36 and now I'm pregnant with my first at 41. I made the choice that I did not want to raise a child alone. And now that I'm pregnant I know I couldn't do this part alone either. Shit is rough. I'm happy that you've released yourself from your own expectations and are now opening to your life as it will unfold.
Forgot to mention that I also had an open myomectomy and during recovery dealt with feeling disappointed that there wasn't a baby after. As illogical as that was! I was like, I went through what feels like a csection. Where my baby!
My marriage and pregnancy is very close to yours, age-wise. I, too, had no desire to parent alone, and now that we have two children, my husband and I thank God daily for having each other to lean on. Parenting is NOT easy, even under "ideal" circumstances.
@@skrefurbishedinteriors if you lose your partner later you deal with it as best you can. Like any other unwanted situation Life throws at you. But it wouldn't be what I choose for myself going in.
I was in your situation in my 30's and accepted my infertility. I resigned myself to be the best Auntie for my beautiful nieces and nephews and cool step mom for my partner's children. When they all grew up my need to have my own children came back with a vengence. At 50 I decided to adopt two children as a solo parent. No fear. No second guessing my decision and ready for the work and commitment. I wish that I did not surrender to infertility and adopted years ago. But the loss of time gave me the determination to take on this challenge and the world be damned with their negativity about solo moms. Follow your heart but always keep it open.
I you hear Steph. I am a single mom not by choice but divorce. My son is 21 now, but at 3 years old he was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes. And if that wasn't enough, my kid falls on the autistism spectrum. Motherhood has been a wonderful and scary journey. II thank God for giving me my son. But being a single mom of a child with chronic illness is absolutely no joke!
@Ms. Dieudonne I relate to you, I am also a single parent due to divorce,, with a son with autism and type1 diabetes. The problem is my son is almost 15 and does not want to be different so he chooses not to take his insuline and other medications, so raising him has become fighting for his life because he won’t. It is terribly draining and yes there is help, but not from his father. Knowing that EVERYTHING, every decision, every step is on me and me alone…….No I do not recommend being a single female parent. Nothing but love for my son, but sometimes it is not enough…..
@@5106ammieDamType 1 diabetes is SO hard as a teenager. You don’t want to be different so you end up resenting it and don’t check your blood sugars/take insulin. I hope things get easier for both of you. 💕
I appreciate your perspective Steph.. It seems like the only life choices a woman makes that is applauded by society… are the choices that center men. 🙄 It would be nice if women felt comfortable about making decisions without dealing with stigma. It would make difficult things easier.
I'm not a single mother by choice but I'm 39 raising my almost 3 year old with zero support from his father and none from my parents. On top of this, my son is non-verbal autistic and we have a long journey ahead of us with speech therapy, occupational therapy, nutritionist and paediatric care etc. Its hard sis. I would never recommend this path for anyone. Financially I'm stable and we live well, but its the emotional toll it takes on you - knowing that you have nobody to help and everything stops with you. Not being able to enjoy a night out or go on a trip because you don't have anyone to help with childcare etc. I love my son to death and don't regret him, but this isn't the path I planned to walk in life and thats a bitter pill to swallow.
I grew a fibroid the size of a 9 month baby in my uterus at 39. Two years ago I had a hysterectomy. I have no children and always wanted children so like you I was very sad. I am so happy I had the hysterectomy because I did not want those things to possibly come back! And I made peace with never getting married and having children. Now at 41 I feel so at peace with my life and singlehood🎉
I have fibroids to 7cm on 1 of them & 5 of them total. I got pregnant & it was suspected ectopic pregnancy that ended in a miscarry. 5 months later I got pregnant, fibroids and all & honeeey it was a rough pregnacy, glad I did it.
I'm so glad you talked about this. I'm childfree by choice, but I did initially want children as well. I even chose out their names. But I can't see any redeemable qualities about this world. I think the best thing I can do for my children is not have them. Maybe in another life, I'd like to experience parenthood. But not in this one. I hope that you live your best childfree life. I hope this next decade is so wonderful and abundant, and makes up for all the shit you've had to go through. ❤️
I'm child-free not by choice. I don't know why but I've always wanted to have and help children from the age of 8. I don't know if it was my own childhood trauma but I've always felt strongly about it more than say marriage or a life partner. My only sadness is that my hardworking parents' genetic legacy will end with me ( possibly too old) and my sibling( never wanted children) but maybe I can set up a financial legacy in their name if the sibling agrees and there is anything left over after the funeral costs and their estate is settled.
Same here but for slightly different reasons. I see what you're saying about the current climate but I don't recall a world being so close to perfect for a child to live in if that makes sense. 😂 there's always been good and bad, its just now thanks to media and technology advancements were more aware of the bad stuff.
I'm so happy we are opening up and talking about this, thank you Steph. I spent my late 30's considering being a single parent by choice. Froze eggs at 36. But at 39 the pandemic hit and I had time to slow down and really look around and consider my future. I was raised by a single mother and it was hard. I had to be honest with myself and acknowledge that my child's life would be just as hard. I would have to work myself to a stand still to give them a good life and never spend any real time with them. Then, I'd have to still go find them positive masculine role models to make sure they have that (I didn't have that growing up). At 40 I realised I'm not keen on doing all that. Just thinking about it gave me anxiety. As soon as I faced that fact, I felt so FREE. A lot of people have opinions about my choice, especially strangers, but it doesn't move me because I gave myself time to make this decision for myself.
@@rinared9 Let's play the "But" game. Following up on your question, but how do you know a woman is guaranteed to survive a pregnancy, delivery, or after-birth? But how do you know the child is guaranteed to to be born healthy and not with disabilities that would require the parent to take care of them for the rest of their lives? But how do you know if that parent will be good to the child in order for the child to want to take care of their parent when they get older? But how do you know someone won't be a horrible parent resulting in that child not giving a damn about that parent later in life? But how do you know that parent may die when the child is young? But how do you know the child won't die before the parent gets old? I can keep going. "But then who's going to take care of you when you're old?" So you're basically birthing a HOPEFUL caregiver? Got it.
@ Rina Red. Where is it written that your kids will take care of you when you’re old? There are plenty of nursing homes that disproves your statement. Moreover, who has kids to only take care of them when they become elderly? There is no guarantee that your kid will want to take on the monumental task of being a caretaker when that time comes.
This is a GREAT decision. I feel that in my heart of hearts. It takes a VILLAGE to raise a child. Setting yourself up to purposely go at it alone, is a disservice to yourself and the child.
Children don't want fathers. They don't want mothers either. They want loving and devoted caregivers. To say the opposite is a very heteronormative and outdated view. Not to mention a damaging view for all those children (including many I know personally) who were adopted into single-parent homes or born into homes with same-sex parents. I sincerely hope those kids don't run into other kids whose parents say things like "Children need a father". If you can't emotionally and materially provide for a child, you don't have a village and cannot create one, don't have kids. Otherwise you can 100% have a child alone or with your same-sex partner. Sincerely, a choice mom to a wonderful, happy child.
It takes a village that over the years no longer exists. Unfortunately our society has fully transitioned into a capitalist mindset that doesn't willingly sacrifice for others. Everyone is out for themselves these days 😢
@@SunshineJoleen It's not about what the child wants but moreso what the child needs. Children need both a mother and father figure in their life. Especially the sons. Because quite often I see how so many boys grow up being too passive or submissive because they didn't have a strong fatherly influence in their life. While both men and women can contribute in different ways, people are taking a huge gamble when purposely raising a child within a single parent home. Both women and men contribute different things in society. Women can do things that men cannot do, and vice versa. So children need the best of both words. It's why it's so important to have a masculine male/father within the child's life, and a feminine woman/mother there also. Because if you ain't got the mother OR father around for the child, you better get your sh*t together and make sure your child has a male and/or female mentor that can fill in that gap of a missing mother or father.
@@SunshineJoleen You are speaking to the wants and needs of the adults, not the children. Ask children from single households. They will tell you themselves.
I used to want children. There are a mixture of things that have changed my mind. From my mental health, to not having much autonomy from my limiting culture and now wanting to live life on my terms, to not having a great experience with dating and being VERY single at now at 33. I can imagine how hard it is for women who are certain that they want children, where as for me I had been on the fence for a while so it’s easy for me to make this decision now. Being a woman is hard, especially a Black woman. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I'm 33 years too. Been single for 8 years. Dating had been a mess. It's exhausting too. I don't have kids and I just don't know if I would ever have any. Sometimes I think about it , sometimes it's like, life has been so rough for me I can't imagine bringing a little human into my mess. I'll just let life be
You are exuding internal peace- I can feel it. I've been following you for awhile and feel like I've been on this journey with you, I've cried watching many of your videos because we share similar experiences. I admire your ability to remain true to your values, accept your reality, move on, and just be free. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
I had a still born child at 32 and the doctors had no idea why. At 42 I see things differently and understand why. Your realization after your journey is why I never intentionally tried to become a parent again. I see you.
this post triggered my heart, I cried and I prayed for you. you are speaking for a lot of us. ..100% I did not want to be a single parent by choice or not... BUT I wish I had frozen my eggs, cause I finally meant my husband and got married at 40, and decided that I really wanted kids...2 IVF cycles later and I don't have that many eggs left, but I am hopeful.
I am a single mother. I love being a mother, this is the greatest achievement in my life. I can’t imagine not being a mother. Like many women, I looked forward to a wedding, marriage, husband and raising a family but when I was 36 I started to worry about the biological clock but no husband was in sight. I got pregnant at 37 and had a premature baby. So challenging! Today she is thriving and makes me proud that I am a mother. I am an immigrant so I don’t have any family close by, it’s all been God’s grace and friendships. I think there are two types of women: I) those who strongly feel that they should bear children and will likely be sad if they didn’t. 2) those who are not attached to bearing children or becoming mothers. The earlier one discovers themselves, the better. I regret over expecting that I would get married when I thought I should get married. Some women who marry late have to live through the pain of not having children. I’m glad I chose this route. Having a stable source of income has been helpful although I was always broke in the early days due to daycare costs. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it!
I appreciate Steph’s vulnerability so much! This was a beautiful video. It made me emotional because I have been watching Steph for a little while and I know how much she longs for a companion and motherhood and I am so thankful that God has brought a peace to her life. I am excited for what God will do for her in her 40’s! Steph has such a sweet spirit…nothing but good things are on the way for her.
Very true… but a part of me wishes she would fight harder. I’m currently 40 & can’t nobody tell me I won’t have my son. I don’t care what “impossibilities” could potentially litter my way. I will fight them all. And my spirit is such that I will fight like hell… but I’m also cool if it doesn’t happen. It’s not a desperate fight. It is an I don’t see any reason why this shouldn’t happen fight- so I’ll gladly give it my all. It will work.. & if it doesn’t, I’m ok with that too. For me she puts way too much focus on adversities. Ie: I’m dark skinned & allegedly not classically attractive so no one will date me. I have fibroids so my biology is against me. My village is small, I will struggle. My girl just make a way & have faith! Things have a way of magically working out, all you need is a strong desire to get it done & mountains will move. My sister had 4 children WITH all her fibroids.
Im glad you decided this for yourself. Being a single parent is hell...absolute hell. Even having help being a parent is hard so doing it alone is damn near impossible. My son is 3yrs old but he has autism and its EXHAUSTING. He needs so much help then i have my daughter who's 2. Its alot. Im telling yall. Yall arent missing out on shiiiiiiit except stress and drama(from the BDs)
@Aloha! It’s Leilani 🌸 telling all of the truth keeping it completely 100. Society will fool you into thinking you've arrived when you're married qnd have a family but 12 times out of 10 the woman is doing all the work in her marriage and caring for the kids. Not all marriages ofc but too many to count and mom is ALWAYS the default parent..which means dad/hubby can fuck off qnd fuck around whenever he likes. Mom's baby and daddy's maybe is very true. Being single is true freedom. People have demonized singlehood when it's actually the best status to have in this day and time. Finally realizing that at 31 after having kids and shit relationships. Not worth it.. my kids are ofc but the extra shit. No. Absolutely not.
I love this for you. Acceptance is freeing. I’m 29 and childfree by choice. I was raised by a single mom and I’m really just not interested in repeating that. I have no issues being a mommy to other people’s children (the village). No real desire to have mine.
@@ariamason9324 exactly, to me it’s a very selfish decision, it’s about the wants and needs of the individual and not the child. Having two parents is really what’s natural, but of course it won’t work out like that always, even more so in this modern society but to go into it intentionally isn’t it.
I agree with you, the tribe is so important in raising kids. I ended up being a single parent, not by choice, i fell for a narcissist (now i know). It is culture for us for your mom to drop everything and come live with you after giving birth, or you just go be your mom. Mine came up for the birth and i went home for my entire 4 months maternity leave. Simple things she taught me, having her latch, helping get her to sleep. I left my mom's with a live in nanny whom she had trained. A year or two into my child's life i knew i had to get away from my partner, I then relocated to a new city and my parents stepped into primary parents till i settled in. When i was faced with unemployment and getting into working for myself, i moved closer to my parents and for 4 years we parented together. I've been single parenting my teen for 3 years with my folks in another city, they have her for holidays. Infact my dad never fails to remind me that culturally my child, as an unmarried daughter is their child, traditionally speaking my daughter is my younger sister 😊. My child calls my parents mama and tata as if they are her parents, yes she calls me mom as well. She also considers my home, her home and looks forward to school breaks to visit my "our" folks. I just wanted to share just how important that tribe is- went on forever there🤭
Your parents sound wonderful. You really really need to thank them for stepping in since you weren’t capable of doing so without their support. I have a cousin who had a similar situation regarding her baby daddy. Her parents swooped in to help with the rearing of their grandchild which also included helping out financially. She rewarded their help by getting knocked up again and blaming the baby daddy (again). Her parents refused to help and my cousin aborted that child because she knew that without their help she would be screwed. Eventually everything worked out and she’s now solely responsible for raising her child.
I'm so grateful for this video. I too grieved. The idea of being married and having kids. I literally pulled my car over and cried. I was 34 and that was 7 years ago. I can't say I'm completely at peace because while I was never the pick my dress out as a kid girl. I was the I believed I would eventually be partnered. I'm finding peace. Not quite there as of it. But I will be
This is another thing I hate about "society." The notion that everyones life has to take the same arbitrary path and achieve the same arbitrary goals through life and are made to feel like failures if they don't achieve them. Life is life and we should be allowed to live it as freely as possible without arbitrary, trivial judgements.
SO so proud of you. Single black man here from Europe. Been following your story and I APPLAUD you for analyzing your reality and prioritizing the well being (social and otherwise) of a potential child you could bring into the world as a single parent. I also decided to not have children. I wish you well Steph.
Thank you for being so transparent. I always went back and forth on wanting children more so in my 20’s and early 30’s. But now as I approach 40. I am all set. I literally just said to a co worker last week. EVEN IF I did want to have children, at this point I don’t have a village (parents are gone siblings useless) and I’d be alone. So I’ll just stick with me and my dog! I hope you continue to find the healing that you need. 🥰
Coming from a single parent household I'm not really for being a single mom by choice BUT I can defo understand why some women choose to do so. Thank you for being so transparent and brave to talk about it on camera, it was really informative too. Great things and surprises are coming your way Steph!!!💜❤️💙
Your level of self-awareness, & your immense courage to be publicly vulnerable, is a gift. I can't even begin to thank you enough. Love & gratitude all the way from South Africa 💞
I had a baby at 19 and did not realise how much it has affected my life until the past few years. I had been on autopilot. Escaping his Dad (been a fully single Mum for the past 10 years but I pretty much was anyway because his Dad didnt contribute anything but grief and heartache), then went through uni and got a Masters, got a car, our own little apartment and now i have a decent (ish) job and support us both. I didnt get to do all the crazy experiences my friends did in their twenties. Dating, travelling, building careers, figuring themselves out. It was really hard. I didn't have a village at all and my friends left one by one. I've only ever had my Mum, thank goodness for her. Now I am 34, single and all my friends either have babies or are trying to have babies and in some ways I'm happy I am a young Mum. my son will be in his twenties when I'm in my forties while my friends will still have young infants. I really feel for women who reach their 30's and want a child but are single. I would have loved to have another child, I even bought baby clothes to keep for when it happened but I quickly realised it wasn't going to. Ive not had another relationship since i left my sons dad and my mental health has been a struggle. I sometimes feel guilty for grieving the second child I never had when I've already been blessed with one. I fgure its best to just focus on the child (or should I say teenager) that I do have ❤
Your story is so similar to mines it’s scary! I was 21 and had no idea what I was doing and little help from the other parent. I missed out on a lot of young adulthood when I became a parent but I don’t regret that at all.
There’s nothing wrong nor a reason to feel guilty about grieving a second child that never was. Your feelings are valid, the wish to have a child or to have more children are both valid. Sorry about your mental health issues and that resulting in only having a negative relationship experience to look back on. I absolutely empathize and identify with you on that.
You know, something that really irks me is how women are at fault if they are not in a relationship by a certain age, if they don't have children by a certain age or in a certain matter but no one talks about the second part of the equation - men who won't commit to a faitful relationship, marriage, children. And then it is also our fault that we won't settle for someone that we don't like and can't imagine the future that we are being told that we should have with them. Oh and don't even get me on "women ruining families" by divorcing, because God forbid that you stand your ground and leave an unhappy, unhealthy or even toxic marriage. Have you forgotten that your job is to be happy with whatever you are given, just so that you don't become an old single lady. I really try my best to insulate myself against the pressures of the society that we live in, but it really isn't easy. I've been watching your videos for years on and off and even though I am a white woman in Europe in her mid-twenties, I always felt like I could relate to your very personal content. I admire you very much and wish you all the best on your upcoming journeys. 🍀
Honestly Stephany this is literally the bravest things that anyone one on the internet has ever made. Any judgement that i passed before, I can only apologize. You are an inspiration to us all and I hope you someday find peace.
Being the child of a single mother and now a mother myself, it is very very difficult for me to understand people intentionally going into single parenthood. This is a thankless job. I would do it if I had to I would do it, but if given a choice? Hell naw!
I don't think everyone purposefully chooses that route. Some people reach a certain age and simply don't have a partner, for whatever reason. And unfortunately women do have a biological clock.
@@Thewho504 honestly since I wrote this, I actually became a single mother of 2 and have a way different perspective. At the time I didn’t realize that I was in an abusive relationship with my children’s father. I left him and it’s been so much easier with just me and the kids without a man in the house terrorizing us every day. Honestly, if the woman has it together and she wants motherhood then I say go for it. But only in a sperm bank or adoption situation or any situation where you can legally guarantee the man won’t be involved. Get your things in a row and do what you gotta do. Being an actual single mom is 1000% better than being a married single mom or having a man leave you high and dry with kids.
So much of what you said resonates with me. I am in my 40s and always thought that I would become a mother. I wasn’t panicking in my early 30s until I was diagnosed with fibroids. Massive ones, ironically I look like was 6 months pregnant. I had a myomectomy and at a follow up appointment a nurse warned me to have children soon because they would come back (which they have). I was never massively confident when it came to dating and as a dark skinned black woman it was always a struggle meeting men. While I wouldn’t say I massively picky, I don’t have a list of requirements (I just wanted someone I connected with and that I was physically attracted to) there was no way I was going to settle for someone just to start a family. There were a couple of guys but nothing ever solidified. When I hit 40 I started thinking about going it alone but for every single reason that you mentioned at the start of your video; social stigma, judgement, single black mother trope, still hoping to meet someone etc I held off. 2019 I decided to go it alone, but I began tentatively, checking out clinics doctors and sperm banks. Finally decided on a clinic when covid hit so everything was put on hold for about a year and half. Covid ended I began the journey, scans and different types of test, bloods etc, which wasn’t cheap. I had been ignoring a pain that started on my lower back and top of thigh for a number of years thinking I had sciatica until it got really bad and really started to effect how I walked. I took time off work and eventually ended up leaving because it turned out that I had arthritis in my hip and needed a a hip replacement. I’m in the uk so this was done on the NHS but it meant that there was a waiting list. I finally had the surgery last year and up until about 6 months ago I was still adamant that I was still going to try for a baby alone. When one day I realised some things 1. I had already spent a small fortune. 2. I had been warned by my doctor that while I had more eggs than expected for someone my age, the quality wouldn’t be good. 3. Most importantly I was no longer working. The thought of the uphill battle I had was hard to get past and when I factored in the cost of raising a child when I might not be able to work (there is a strong chance my other hip will need to be replaced.) there were just too many obstacles to overcome in order to become a parent and what kind of life could I now provide. So I made the decision to stop. I surrendered as you said. And I am okay with it. Do I get sad about it? Yes, of course. Thoughts pop into my head from time to time especially when my friend are having kids or I’m around my baby nieces. I just don’t believe if should be this hard if it is meant to happen. With every obstacle I overcame another one would shoot up. I was tired and skint and although I know I could’ve have raised a child alone and put my all into it. I didn’t want to be a single parent. Since I’ve let it go I’ve become excited about my future because I can do anything, go anywhere at anytime. I don’t have to take any job just to make sure I am able to financially support my child I can focus on things I enjoyed doing in my 20s, things I abandoned because adult life got in the way. So that is what I’m doing. I’m am retraining. I plan to get a entry level job at production company. I’ve started Korean language classes and I am planning a trip to Japan. I want my physical health to be at its optimum so I am back at the gym. I always wanted to get my boobs lifted (the original plan was to do it after putting my body through pregnancy) so I’ve booked that. It’s not the life I had hoped for but it can still be wonderful. Apologies the typos, you get the gist*
Steph this hurts to hear but I can't imagine how it felt coming to this conclusion. I just want the best of everything for you, sis. I love your positivity moving forward. I'll stay positive with you❤
I am so happy for you , no single motherhood may not be the best but as a nurse practitioner student , I think it is amazing to see the children of the aging parents supporting them as they age. I think that it’s okay for woman to be single mothers by choice because women deserve to have a family even if they’re not married
I grew up in foster care and feel the same way. Yet, I'll be 33 this year and resigning myself to the idea that idea of having a child with someone; most likely won't happen. Just got out of a toxic 2 1/2 year relationship and just honestly wanna be by myself at this point. I'm happy to see you back!!
@@joeroot9142 absolutely. Like, what is happening here!? 33 & resigning to childlessness… on what basis!? Honey there are plenty of childbearing years left! Hell I’m 40 & optimistically looking forward to having my first child. I see no reason why it shouldn’t happen. I understand things appear to look bleak for women of colour, but this is actually now quite concerning. If the original & first woman of earth is refusing to fight for her family, it’s not even a stretch to question the longevity of the black race with this narrative as a growing reality. Let us not luxuriate on failed & broken relationships of the past. Mourn the death of the relationship, spend a little time healing- then move the hell on with your life! I think in this time we really have to get a bit stricter on ourselves & the management of our emotions. There is too much information out there for us to not be armed with knowledge on how to work through trauma expeditiously.
I don’t have all of the same struggles as you, Steph, but there are core elements that are universal about the human experience. I love that you speak so well and confidently about the ups and downs of the human experience. You are truly a gem on this platform. You a very special and truly can’t be compared to anyone else. What a gift you are to your viewers.
My mom is a single parent to a 5 year old (I’m 21 next month). She ended up pregnant again at 40 and she has fibroids. She said it was her hardest most worst pregnancy ever.
I never wanted children..however when i was in a long term relationship for nearly 10 years i did try..not one pregnancy scare...the doctors try to tell me to get a hysterectomy because of fibriods; they even recommended ivf...my dad however said to me to believe that life has reason; and to stop trying...my ex and i broke up that was in my 20s..at nearly 39 i am 4 mths pregnant after a couple mths of a casual relationship...and that experience in my 20s proved to me that what life has in store for u will come to u..so what u dont get doesnt belong to u
@carlito I think the wisdom that can come with age helps put to rest many anxieties and insecurities we have in our younger years. Easier to prioritize what really matters and appreciate the good. At least that was true for me and my Dad. 😄 Hope it keeps getting better. I'd like to hold onto my health though. Lol
I was told that I could not have kids due to the severity of my endometriosis. At the time I ended a relationship that was toxic, I was in therapy for PTSD due to it. Heartbreaking parts was that I had done ivf at 24 with my ex and we had 7 embryos. To be childless (which is the opposite of child free) and know that there are embryos you can’t use, is absolute hell. But at the same time I didn’t want to be tied to him either, it was an internal battle. I grieved being childless as it wasn’t a choice, I was forced to accept that I used my eggs with the wrong person. He destroyed the embryos over a year after we broke up and I had to pay money for his choice. Years later another doctor told me I could have kids but needed a treatment plan that suit my needs. I eventually gave birth to a daughter at 33, as a single mom by choice/donor recipient. Because I’ll never again put myself in a situation where someone else decides if get to have kids. He’d actually say I didn’t deserve any because I was depressed at 18, my mom died when I was 3. I enjoy parenting, my child wants for nothing, she’s gifted and a HSP. I’m chronically I’ll due to endo but also adenomyosis, which sucks. But I wouldn’t change a thing, I don’t have parents nor grandparents but I do have village including a great male role model. My baby girl is such a joy in my life and I’m grateful I get to be her mommy.
I went through this exact same thing around the age of 36. It was all-consuming and depressing, but I finally worked through it thanks to therapy. Thanks so much for always sharing our stories. You honestly make a difference!
@Oh!Stephco Thank you Steph for being beautifully vulnerable as always. My mom passed away in September unexpectedly in a car accident. Prior to my mom I had never lost anyone I was close to nor had I attended any funerals. So the first burial service I ever had to attend was my own mothers. She died at 51 and I was 27 -now 28. In grieving my mom I am also, similarly to you, grieving a life I envisioned I would have but no longer can. Assuming she’d be around when I’d have my first kid, or even get married or other life events is no longer a possibility. She will no longer physically ever be with me. There’s an eternal ache I feel from my heart (literally) that comes with knowing that from now on whenever something amazing happens in my life the #1 person I would run to share the news with is not around, at least not physically. Initially it made me want to just give up on life. Like what’s even the point. But in my 8months of grieving I’m starting to accept my reality and trying to come to terms with how life unfolded for me. Keep in mind I’m 28 and no prospects of any future husband in sight and yes, I also would very much like to become a mother but having learned an important lesson from my moms death: we can’t attach ourselves to any thing, person, relationship, role in this world. All we have is who we are in the present moment. I am just learning to make do with my current circumstance. Thanks for allowing us the space to have these heavy convos 💕
Omg my mom passed away when I was 25 and now I’m 29 looking to be a single mom by choice. I settled with the thought as well, this is my life and my kids will never get to meet their grandma until they get to Heaven.
This breaks my heart. My mom is my best friend and #1 person I go to for EVERYTHING. I'm childless,single and 38. I feel bad that,esp as her only daughter,I may not be the one to plan a wedding or baby shower with or for her to experience grandkids with me(one of my brothers has kids but is a deadbeat so we have no real relationship with any of them) I truly hope Peace finds you in Life's unfortunate circumstances 🙏🏽🙏🏽
This video touch me so much because I understand!! ❤️❤️My whole life I wanted to be a mom, I dreamt about my life with children and being married-I dreamed of it so much that as a teenager I couldn’t wait to turn 30, because I believed my life would be buying a house, having my career, married to the love of my life, and being happy with my family. Instead at 30 I have multiple sclerosis (I got at 25), I’ve gone back to school because I had to stop going because of my health, I’m in debt for the first time because last year I got Covid and was so sick I couldn’t function right for most of the year, I work a minimum wage job at a theme park, and I have 2 lab puppies which are my everything. I’ve never been in a relationship( I actually still have my “V” card), and I’m 31 just trying to survive. I have started to accept that I may never have kids, but the funny thing is once I accepted that I felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders and I’m not crazy stressed about my future, I’m looking forward to it so much more. I spent my 20s trying to heal and be healthy so that my kids would have a strong able mom, that time was not in vain because I ended up reparenting myself 🥰 so to me, my future looks bright! Also thank you so much for sharing your story about being sick, I went through that last year -being sick and trying to take care of 2 puppies alone was a nightmare! I never wanted to have kids alone and that experience showed me that I definitely REFUSE to have kids without a partner or a village! Thank you Steph your videos always make me feel less alone❤❤️❤️❤️
Please know that you are still quite young and if it's something you want still, you can pick up in life and it can turn around and get the things you dream of. Over 30 doesn't mean over. Take care!
I’m 26 but have gynae conditions. I so relate as im a Virgin waiting for marriage. Every day I grapple with my fertility and hope I don’t regret my decision to do things Gods way.
I'm a 29 year old gay man who works as a school teacher, and I never had a relationship. I have craved for years to have my own family. Not just adopting kids, but having biological kids as well. While I am accepting of my sexuality now, I also feel a bit cursed dealing with this. I don't have money like the wealthy gay men who go the surrogate route. I wouldn't do surrogacy anyway because I want the mother in the child's life. I also don't want to burden female friends with carrying a child for me because I understand how stressful and life changing pregnancy is for women. I don't bother with signing up for being a donor because being a short guy (5'6) and not the most attractive, no one would choose me anyway. Working as a school teacher, I try my best to smile as I enjoy the children in my classroom, but on occasions driving home, I cry desperately wanting children of my own. I feel like I'll never have the happiness and fulfillment other fathers will have. I dread being on my deathbed knowing I left no children behind for my mom (she raised me by herself) and failing as a man. Not saying I completely understand your journey, but I wish I can one day arrive at your place of "letting go."
You'd be a great parent because you want to really to be there for whole thing. I know a gay man who along with a gay female friend have coparented a child together. I think they did artificial insemination. Just a thought. It worked for them.
SMBC here! I talk about my journey on my UA-cam Channel. It was something I strongly considered for about 5 years. I finally got serious about it when I was told that I needed to get a move on because I was 38 with PCOS Had twin boys this past October. My friend asked me did I want to be married more or a mother. And I wanted to be a mother more. I'd done mostly everything I wanted to do, so didn't feel like I'd be missing out on anything by having children. I have a great support system and I work for myself. The support and flexibility makes it easier. There's definitely a stigma attached to women having children on their own. I had a lot of time to prepare myself for negative comments. I haven't received much... thank goodness! I was told by one person YT that I was the problem with the black community and I'm encouraging women to have babies out of wedlock! Also said I should "marry before I carry ." Anywho!
Its all luck. Finding a partner is pure luck. Theres great attractive people who are lonely and then theres people who ugly on the inside and out and have a great partner. Sharon stone had to go on bumble to try to find a man and shes an A list celebrity. Good luck Steph
Idk know why people don’t admit it. There’s no formula when it comes to dating and relationships. Especially as most people want to find their person in their twenties it’s just luck really
@@taii_chii6782 because so many hetero women derive a lot of their identity on being chosen by a man, so to reduce the randomness of that choice can be very upsetting.
@@ManUntdForever I mean sure, but human beings are just generally bad at accepting somethings are out of our control. It is what drives us. It is mostly positive, but it can also be negative. This is one of the areas where it doesn't really work.
The thing that gets me with this whole militantly anti-single motherhood movement is everyone thinks they’ve got a secure marriage but the harsh reality is that perfect man could wake up tomorrow & decide he’s done with you & your children. He could have his bags packed, papers printed up & a side chick waiting out front before you even have time to process what’s happening. It’s okay to have standards but being arrogant about it isn’t gonna earn you any sympathy when it all comes crashing down.
Agree. I especially cringe when they post those images on insta....but what is for you is for you. I just know people don't wish well for you many times. It's better to be happy in silence.
Yeah but most single moms chose bums and had kids with ppl they know were losers, especially those having kids out of wedlock,it’s one thing to get divorced it’s another thing to be irresponsible with your womb and have kids with just anyone
A woman can decide to neglect her children and pack and leave as well. I dont agree with willingly choosing to be a single mother but hey to each its own. Even parents who raise children together say how exhausting it is and stressful it can be so I can only imagine doing it all alone, 24/7.
It’s complex. The anti-motherhood stance is largely bc for black women, you’re not getting abandoned at the altar or even after years of marriage. Most of us aren’t even holding out for long term commitment. At best, we settle for forever boyfriends who are suspended adults, never taking themselves or us seriously. Then we expect them to step up and be amazing dads, when nothing about them screams commitment or fidelity or discipline It’s one thing to be a widow. It’s one thing to be a divorcee trying to make do. It’s another thing to be reckless in your youth and expect your family to pick up the slack. It’s just not fair to our elders to raise generations of kids bc we can’t keep our legs closed. It’s really unfair for the kid too My hope is that yes, we may have dreams deferred due to lack of available (and eligible men) to marry. But we focus on building community btw single black women who show up for each other, not just events that are Instagrammable. Being single and unmarried doesn’t have to be a death sentence - it’s liberating IF we actually care about other black women
Or that man could pass away. My cousin just lost her husband back in November and she's got 7 kids. Luckily three of them are teens and they help around the house, but she had a newborn.
Im childfree by choice and every day, with the state of the world, I find plenty of reasons i am grateful to not have kids. Hope you can have a gratitude era in your future 🎉
Wow this is ironic that I’m watching this. My husband finally found me at 37, and I found out I have fibroids too. We are still trying and praying for our baby 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 Thank you for sharing 🥰🥰
I'm happy that you've gotten to this mental space, and I think I am on the way there. I had a whole breakdown on my 35th birthday because I always thought that I would be a wife and mom at this point. I also am not interested in being a single mom, I do not have the capacity and resources to take that on by myself, but I love children, thought I would have one or two of my own, but the right partner just eludes me. I know that I do not want to be a first-time mother in my 40s, partnered or not, so I am definitely grieving as the door slowly closes and my dating prospects haven't improved.
6 years ago I made a similar video called "Happiness Despite No Children". At that time, I didn't see many black women discussing this topic. My situation is a little different, I'm married so the expectation and the frequent comments of getting pregnant was constant from my family, especially at family gatherings. That grieving process is so real. I'm happy to hear that you are getting through this in a positive and healthy manner. Much love to you and your continued journey.
Sending you love and hugs. Fertility is truly something that needs to be better invested in by our health system. I was raised by a single mom who taught me that parenthood is basically Russian roulette. You never know what you're gonna get, you never know the kind of support you'll be given, and in the end you'll need to decide if it's something you can potentially do on your own anyway. It's a huge decision and support may vary widely. I wish you all the best and sending healing energy as well for the fibroids.
Social infertility I’ve never heard that term , I think this is my situation and I really like the thing you’ve said about having a community when it come to be in a relationship. It’s so triggering to use SM when you’re single especially when you’re a women who’s 30 and up. I’m talking abt your last video and found this one. When you spend all your 20’s and most of your 30s looking for your person and somehow something always come up ,like it’s not in your card to be partnered. It’s exhausting mentally and emotionally. Thanks for this StephCo.
I can relate to this, I personally have never wanted children, but I have always wanted to find my person. I haven’t dated or had a relationship and I’m 30. I’m a socially anxious person and introverted so I don’t have a social life. I am not “out there” in the world for me to meet someone. So the only way I can meet men is through apps and the apps are hell. Never talked to a man and got to meeting them in person because they were all at the core emotionally unavailable. If they weren’t emotionally unavailable they were coming on too strong. I have a lot of self worth and I’m not going to settle so I guess I’m going to have to come to terms with that this could be my life. All I’ve ever known is being with myself so being alone for me isn’t the hard part. The hard part is the wanting of connection, companionship. That part is very painful, I cry about it sometimes. So the wanting is like grief that I have to work through. I’m definitely not giving up on the idea of love, but I value my peace and I want to cherish that. 💜
I so relate to this! Especially the social anxious and introverted part and trying to date is difficult. I’m seeing this a lot in this generation. I often wondered if the women of the 90s had this much difficulty with dating and shared the same concerns. Falling in love, marriage, and creating a family seem easier then.
As a childfree by choice with a partner who feels the same way I have to say yes it’s very freeing. It’s the life I always wanted, but it’s not perfect. People will definitely criticize women for having kids or not having them. I always say, you only get one life so live it how you want. But whatever you do choose make sure it’s not influenced by societal norms.
Wow. I have to applaud your selfless openness on this Stephanie. When I struggled with fertility at only 23, I was riddled with shame and couldn’t bare to talk about it. I linked my self-worth with my ability to have children, and when it wasn’t happening as easily as I’d always assumed it would, I fell into a very dark place. I went down almost every route I could find trying to convince around the barriers of PCOS, and after two year reached my goal of conceiving and birthing a beautiful healthy baby. Less than a year after her arrival, I was forced to face the reality that I had worked so hard to get to this place, but with the absolute wrong person and here I am now with an almost two year old, raising her as a single mother. And I just say all that to say how much I agree with your sentiment and respect the peace you’ve achieved because I would have chosen differently, like many women, had I known what my realities of motherhood would be. I think it’s something that many of us go for just to find out it’s nothing like we hoped it would be. I hope I can go without saying how grateful I am for my child, but raising her alone is never what I pictured and certainly not what she deserves.
So glad you posted this. I was in this place five years ago. I gave up on dating, and researched parenting alone. I then became a foster parent and it became very real what it would mean to be a single parent. It was hard. I wanted the support of a partner, and realized I didn’t want to do it alone. Best of all on your journey and to so many others who had to shift.
Thanks for sharing! Im a 34 yo woman who has been abstinent for years. There are no prospects and Im at peace most days. Looking back, if I had married any of those men, I would be a single mother. I did not have the capacity to raise a child back then and I barely do now. You are not alone.. please keep sharing
I thought of the idea of fostering when I heard the beginning of the video. So I'm glad you mentioned that at the end. I'm so glad you are having peace about this even though it may be difficult. Thank you for sharing this ❤️🩹
I am so grateful for your existence on planet Earth 🙏🏾 You have probably set free the minds of so many women of all ages around motherhood and ageism. I can feel the lightness of your spirit in this surrendering ✨️ I'm so happy that you're happy on the other side of this journey. Sending you so much love on your journey ahead, whatever it may be 💕
I now grieve the loss of my uterus when I always wanted to know what it was like to carry my own child. I was misinformed about options, and my normal sized uterus was removed. A castration that leads to extreme health issues that I don't wish on any.
Stepanhie, I’m so in awe of the woman you’ve evolved into. It has been a pleasure to watch in (near) real time. Thank you so much for all that you share with us. I’m a 32 yo single mom of 1. I have help from her father and his family as well as my whole family on both my mom and dads side and it is STILL hard. I applaud you so much for coming to the very realistic conclusion that your village is probably not ideal for the level of care and communal support it takes to raise a kid as a single mother. Cheers to all the joy your 40s inevitably hold for you!
I’m 39 and have been married for 17 years. We never wanted children and I never understood why anyone would try and convince me of otherwise. Ii e been shamed and called selfish but me being the ornery outspoken Capricorn that I am have no problem defending my position and putting folks in their place. I’m so sorry women are constantly being pressured and made to feel that our only purpose in this life is to bear children. I wish you peace on your new adventures.
I was raised by a divorced mother, I'm saying divorced because she did not choose to be a single mother but became one. She did a wonderful job and I was surrounded by amazing family members. I think more women need to know what they are looking for in raising children. I would never personally raise a child alone by choice but as I always say, having children is an important emotional step that can't be done in a rush or just because one feels pressured by family or society. That is awesome that you made a decision that feels good for you internally! All the best to you🙂
I also have fibroids and am going through similar struggles (multiple fibroids) as a black woman, currently in my early thirties. You’re not alone…Hang in there!
@nurathmbelwa6597 you have time sis. I am 39 pregnant whilst having 2 fibroids and 1 fallopian tube. My only worry is this stupid 10cm fibroid. I should have got that removed. Find someone who you trust to do the journey-even if both of you are not forever. I am sincerely wishing you the best. 🥰😘
Research Uterine Fibroid Embolisation microsurgery especially the newer methods that make it easier to maintain pregnancy. Done by interventional radiologist. Many gynaes cannot do this simple procedure & some will not even tell you about this.
So glad you’ve come to this realisation (even if it’s bittersweet). I’m a bit older and had the same journey. Having a pet and seeing how you cope on your worst days is a good litmus test. I have a friend with auto immune conditions (and a pet and likes to travel) who wanted to go it alone and I gently remind her of these things. I think too many people worry about possibly regretting not having kids and panic and have one by any means necessary but do they ever consider the long term happiness of the kid? Even when you have a partner it can really vary as to how supportive they are. And then there are the guys who are parents who tell me all their woes and make me wonder what their partner would think if they knew all this.
I love and completely respect your transparency. You’ve elevated this much needed conversation and I pray more women can start to articulate this journey as you continue to do. India Arie once stated, “your only job is to just be your best you”. Whatever that looks like for you, even when you acknowledge things you’ve wanted, still want but maybe won’t have etc., let’s just focus on what we are ment to control and live in it the best way we can.
I knew at 6 years old, I wanted to adopt. But after researching the benefits of having two parents or community, I have decided to partner with other single moms and some older people and build my on. I have also considered co-adopting. It isn’t just about having kids, but the lack of homes and community for children.
I'm 26 and I have always wanted a family but me dealing with PCOS and being infertile, I gave up, I went through depression because I was never going to be a mom, but I slowly learned that I will be okay, Now I'm just trying to move on from that mindset of wanting a family one day to enjoying being single and living my life to the fullest.
Women with PCOS can still have children, however, it can be quite challenging balancing your hormones for conception. Don’t give if you still desire to have a child.
Steph your honesty and maturity is so refreshing! I’m a new Mom with a husband and help from family and I was still shocked how hard parenting was. I have so much respect for women doing it all on their own. And I can admit knowing what I know, I would never willingly go into it knowing I would have no help. It’s a huge decision bringing a human being in this world. And it’s so refreshing hearing someone make a thoughtful, responsible, decision about it.
You make so many good points about living solo and then feeling under the weather! All of the responsibilities a person has become very challenging under those circumstances.
Steph, thank you so much for being so vulnerable on a public platform. I’m 29 and single and I also desire partnership and the prospect of creating a family. Nevertheless, I’d like to pray for you. I pray that true, everlasting love is brought manifest in your life and that your relationship is blessed beyond your wildest imagination and expectation. I pray that this Union is anointed by God and is fruitful. I pray that God reveals your divine mate to you soon. You are so deserving of the relationship that you desire. Amen!
I feel you. Divorced almost two years ago. Been single since. 2023 has been hard: Depression, non-stop months of migraines, insomnia, back pain, and stress has really debilitated me. I had to separate my turtles because one of them is attacking and biting chunks out of her sister’s neck and head. I don’t have a second tank set up so I DIY a cooler and bowl setup that I have to physically fill up and empty throughout the day cause turtles poop and pee a lot. Also trying to figure out the heat lamp to water bowl time ratio and been burning my babies so the parent guilt is just… tremendous. What kind of threw me over the edge was fear of getting written up at work for poor performance. I broke down this weekend. A two and a half hour call with my dad saved my life. I can barely take care of myself, much less my scale-babies. I can’t bring a child into this world on my own. Not with my ex husband and definitely not on my own right now. Don’t worry, I talk to my therapist today and I’ve reached out to my doctor. I have plans to see a friend today. I’m gonna be safe. Take care of each other everyone. ❤
What helped me during my divorce and after is 1.God i laid all i could at His feet 2.Crying,i wailed if i had too for what i had envisioned it to be.FOREVER? 3.Exercise and getting new hobbies does help. Trust me you will be ok and you will even laugh and ask yourself why you even cried😂 Things are going to flourish for you that you will be amazed
I know they say never compare your life to others, but it's hard. Especially when the way some people plan their lives is exactly how it happens. For me I planned the husband, 3 kids, happy family. However at 25 I had post partum eclampia, 1st baby and it was very severe. Had to be in an induced coma to lower my blood pressure. Our marriage never recovered after that because we grew apart and eventually divorced. However it has been a roller coaster in dating and trying to find the right person. I've dated but in the end all it left me with is disappointments and contracting high risk hpv... So I do grieve, because even if I do meet someone having another baby after having severe eclampsia is not advised. Plus the hpv diagnosis can result in cancer which can sadly really end my fertility. So Im grieving, but still on the fence. Im 33.
I was just telling my friend who is pregnant! She wanted to do natural and do this and do that. I never said anything about her planning her life and to allow things to flow. Bc I didn’t wanna be negative. But turned out she has pregnancy complications and has to get a c section.
I hope you get everything you’ve always wanted. I, too, had to grieve-I never wanted a child but I always wanted genuine, healthy partnership-never found that, but I had to realize I don’t think I’m ready for all the risks that comes with dating. I’m now not interested. I spent a whole year grieving and is still grieving, but I’m adamant now. I hope you find your peace soon.
I grieved having a “professional” career. I’m 35 and yes, I can still go back to school for 4+ years and make something happen, but with student loans and being indecisive about what I want to do it won’t be worth it. So now I have accepted just making money without purpose/passion.
Steph, I truly appreciate your vulnerability. As a mother of 2 boys. (14 & 6). And being a 34 y/o woman , if I hadn’t already had my 1st son , I’d probably decided not to have kids . Seeing what comes with it and being that I am a single mom , I would have definitely done things differently and waited. Perhaps not even had any at this point. I’m proud of you for sharing this journey . I love your channel and how relatable you are . This is such a safe space for me . Thanks for being you amongst all the criticisms you get . ❤
@@melmel7011 Yes , I wouldn’t have any kids if I didn’t have my first son . I had him in my teens . I had my 2nd son bc I was in a relationship that I thought would last (hence the age differences) . But knowing what I know now . I probably wouldn’t have had any kids so soon to begin with . If any at this point in my life . That’s why I’m done having kids .
Don't worry stephanie. A lot of women are in your position due to circumstances. The fertility rate around the world is decreasing while egg freezing is increasing. So, single motherhood by choice will inevitably be as common place as egg freezing and online dating. It's just a matter of people getting iver the initial stigma and being exposed to it in their everyday.
I am incredibly happy for you finding peace Steph, it really compliments you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Your Mental Awareness month videos are always special
I feel like I leave a comment like this on every video you post, but thank you for sharing your journey with us. Being so transparent on the internet about the intricacies of life is not for the weak. We love ya girl ❤️😘
Ah, I love this conversation because I’ve made up my mind since I was a preteen that I didn’t want children - but then my family would guilt trip me into “just one” and I would waver. But be filled with anxiety and dread just at the thought of raising one. Now at my big age of 27, I can confidently say - I’m good. And nothing will change my mind regarding it. Fostering and/or adopting will be more than enough if the urge becomes too strong.
Back in 2012 i had a myomectomy for fibroids because i was hoping to get pregnant. After i healed from the surgery, i had a hsg and found out both my tubes were blocked. I was told i needed IVF if i ever wanted to get pregnant again. Fast foward to 2023 was never able to get pregnant and because of my age, my partner and i felt likehood that i get pregnant was too slim amd we didn't want to spend that kind of money and still end up not pregnant. So im here many years later unpregnant. Im just grateful i was able to experience being a mom of 1, so im still blessed. Good luck to everyone still on this arduous fertility journey, much luv❤
I'm a SMBC and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. That being said, my finances are solid and I have a village... partially one I created (hired help) but also a supportive family. I worried about congenital defects, chromosomal abnormalities etc but that is, in part, why I opted to have my baby NOW, on my own, and not wait to meet a man, date for years, get married, conceive naturally _THEN_ have a child with special needs due to my advanced age. In theory it would be easier to do it in a marriage but.... I'm divorced so I'm painfully aware that marriages break, and there's nothing like the stress of caring for a complex child to break a marriage. People tried to talk me out of my choice when I said I was going to be a choice mum. I won't insult you by doing the same. At the end of the day, our fertility is ours to use, or not use, as we choose. I'm proud of you for weighing your options independently of society's judgements and expectations, making the best choice for YOUR own happiness, then _talking about it_ to raise awareness for other women. ❤
@flowerfunful I had him at 36. Had to have a c-section due to a prior myomectomy. It's WILD how my fibroid story runs parallel to Stephanie's too. I also found out in 2018. Couldn't get treatment (partially because a pandemic happened 🤷🏿♀️), so I went for a follow-up MRI in 2021... but that's where our paths diverge. I had the myomectomy in 2021.... 2 weeks after getting those MRI results... Early this year, while Steph was again dealing with doctors due to fibroids, I was giving birth. Happy with my decision, but MAN it is not a decision to make lightly.
Welcome to freedom! I honestly think if you choose to continue dating you’ll see a difference in your approach now that you’ve made peace with being childless. I feel like so much pressure both internally and externally is placed on women past the age of 30 who don’t have kids yet that it starts to literally cloud our minds sometimes. I’m 33 and last year I came to full terms with the fact I won’t be having kids unless I’m married and it’s been so freeing. I also have realized that neither thing may happen for me and that’s ok too. It’s literally all out of my control. Of course I could force myself into making it work with someone but no relationship friendship, family etc that I’ve had to force has ever ended up being happy and fulfilling so I refuse to do that with a life partner.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm working on getting to the point where I can surrender. But some days are easier than others as I watch my age go up but no prospects.
I was so excited for you when you announced you were pursuing single motherhood! I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm proud that you've made peace with it and are looking forward to a different path. I didn't find out I had fibroids until I was already pregnant. It was devastating. A grapefruit and an apple were crowding out my little Blueberry Baby. I felt so gross and sick and sad because my husband was finally open to the idea of children and here I was at risk of miscarriage or ultimately infertility because of these weird growths in my body. I didn't announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester when I stopped waking up anxious about losing Blueberry. And then at 33 weeks, I got more bad news: one of the fibroids was not only obstructing my cervix, but it wasn't allowing Blueberry to move out of breech position. It would be impossible for me to have a natural birth, I'd have to have a c-section. Luckily, everybody came out of the hospital healthy. Our boys share the same name! 😅
I'm a full-time single mom of a 4 year old and what you said about not knowing how parenthood will treat you is true. My sweet girl has severe autism and speech delay...raising her without a village and support for me is so hard and often times unbearable. I never would've imagined that this is what my life would be..my heart aches for that poor girl I used to be who rocked her True Love Waits ring, planning her dream wedding in her mind. That's what gets me..even when a woman is pregnant she has all of these ideas about sleep training, baby led weaning, etc with no thought of how things may not work out how you planned. For me: I grieve over the freedom I thought I would have when I was so confident my daughter would go off and build a life she loves. I have to consider that I might be looking at caring for her until my life is over. I don''t know what the future holds but being carefree is a privilege I no longer have and worry/fear for what's to come (tomorrow and years from now) consume my life every moment of the day. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and letting us in! Congrats on your new chapter!!
Oh my. Going to say a prayer for you before I go to sleep. Stay strong and know you are doing a wonderful selfless thing 🙏🏾
Thank you for sharing. This is an important topic; grieving with children with Disability. You're doing great!
@@NotThatDeep Your prayers are truly appreciated!
@@Dani-mw5gk It really is and thank you so much for your encouragement!
@t o r i Prayers and blessings to you & your child. May God strengthen you and surround you with joy, help, health, & financial security when you need it.🌹❤🙏🏾
If Steph told me she was 27 I’d easily believe her. She looks amazing😩
True
Was thinking the same! She looks younger every vid
I’d say 30 or 31. Even still, she looks young.
Naw , you’re reaching lol . She looks like she could be like 32-35 though .
I thought she was 27 too when I first started watching her content too.
I’m a single mom by choice through adoption. I knew I would not regret a lack of partnership but would regret not parenting, and that I didn’t care about biology or pregnancy. I started as a foster parent. I’m blessed to be able to parent my son. I enjoy parenting. I can understand why some people decide not to do it. I have the means and support to do it in a way that I get to spend a lot of time with my child, and give him the life that I think he deserves.
I love this🙏🏿🙏🏿
❤❤❤
I feel the same. I’m 28 next month but I realised a while ago that ‘the perfect partner’ number 1, doesn’t exist and no. 2, isn’t promised to me. I’m working on my financial future so that I can be a mother either biologically or not. This was is an incredibly powerful discussion to have. I’m glad to be able to listen in.
Bless you!
This is exactly what I want to do when I get better finantially.
I was the married single mother. I left my marriage. These fairy tale stories of college/post graduate degrees, marriage, motherhood, home ownership, career, etc. have hurt many women today (myself included). I had all of those things and still ended up being a divorced, single mom. One of my goals is to teach my daughters better and to ensure they truly understand that motherhood DOES NOT make you more of a woman than a woman who is childfree by choice or due to health reasons. I've experienced both men & women who disparage childfree/unmarried women. Thank you as always for producing meaningful and substantive topics.
Your story is not everyone's. Sorry that happened to you, but it isn't a sham just cause yours didn't work out. It worked out for others
@Debz, she didn't say it's a sham, she said life doesn't have guarantees so make the best that you can.
@@Debziiie Yes, just like no one's story is everyone's story. Your miles may vary. As you said married parenthood can work out for some, not for others. Her point on the importance on not prioritizing parenthood as your identity still stands.
That scares me, the fact that people can have degrees, marriage, parenthood, home ownership, etc. but can still end up divorced. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do in life and seeing lots of social media posts, reading research, etc. It's making me lean towards to the childfree side.
@@Debziiie "worked out for others" needs to be in *heavy* quotations. You really don't know what people have to deal with in their marriages or the families that they create. Many stories come to light from children or spouses that those families can often be toxic. It's just important to be realistic and value healthy relationship dynamics without being stuck on a single format/model. The Nuclear family is not realistic or practical. Often times children and parents need more than just each other. That's why it takes a village to raise a child.
I went through a similar grieving and letting go of the life I thought I would have in my mid thirties. Then I got married at 36 and now I'm pregnant with my first at 41. I made the choice that I did not want to raise a child alone. And now that I'm pregnant I know I couldn't do this part alone either. Shit is rough. I'm happy that you've released yourself from your own expectations and are now opening to your life as it will unfold.
Forgot to mention that I also had an open myomectomy and during recovery dealt with feeling disappointed that there wasn't a baby after. As illogical as that was! I was like, I went through what feels like a csection. Where my baby!
💗💗💗
My marriage and pregnancy is very close to yours, age-wise. I, too, had no desire to parent alone, and now that we have two children, my husband and I thank God daily for having each other to lean on. Parenting is NOT easy, even under "ideal" circumstances.
I love this. Thank you for sharing ❤
@@skrefurbishedinteriors if you lose your partner later you deal with it as best you can. Like any other unwanted situation Life throws at you. But it wouldn't be what I choose for myself going in.
I was in your situation in my 30's and accepted my infertility. I resigned myself to be the best Auntie for my beautiful nieces and nephews and cool step mom for my partner's children. When they all grew up my need to have my own children came back with a vengence. At 50 I decided to adopt two children as a solo parent. No fear. No second guessing my decision and ready for the work and commitment. I wish that I did not surrender to infertility and adopted years ago. But the loss of time gave me the determination to take on this challenge and the world be damned with their negativity about solo moms. Follow your heart but always keep it open.
This was the talk I didn’t know I needed to have. Thank you so much for being extremely transparent.
One of my favourite UA-camrs commenting on my other favourite UA-camrs video? Love to see it!
Empowerment at its Finest! Thank you both.
I you hear Steph. I am a single mom not by choice but divorce. My son is 21 now, but at 3 years old he was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes. And if that wasn't enough, my kid falls on the autistism spectrum. Motherhood has been a wonderful and scary journey. II thank God for giving me my son. But being a single mom of a child with chronic illness is absolutely no joke!
💜🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿
It is no joke. Nope. And then with a shitty parent too. Nope.
@Ms. Dieudonne I relate to you, I am also a single parent due to divorce,, with a son with autism and type1 diabetes. The problem is my son is almost 15 and does not want to be different so he chooses not to take his insuline and other medications, so raising him has become fighting for his life because he won’t. It is terribly draining and yes there is help, but not from his father. Knowing that EVERYTHING, every decision, every step is on me and me alone…….No I do not recommend being a single female parent. Nothing but love for my son, but sometimes it is not enough…..
@@5106ammieDamType 1 diabetes is SO hard as a teenager. You don’t want to be different so you end up resenting it and don’t check your blood sugars/take insulin. I hope things get easier for both of you. 💕
I appreciate your perspective Steph.. It seems like the only life choices a woman makes that is applauded by society… are the choices that center men. 🙄 It would be nice if women felt comfortable about making decisions without dealing with stigma. It would make difficult things easier.
I'm not a single mother by choice but I'm 39 raising my almost 3 year old with zero support from his father and none from my parents. On top of this, my son is non-verbal autistic and we have a long journey ahead of us with speech therapy, occupational therapy, nutritionist and paediatric care etc. Its hard sis. I would never recommend this path for anyone. Financially I'm stable and we live well, but its the emotional toll it takes on you - knowing that you have nobody to help and everything stops with you. Not being able to enjoy a night out or go on a trip because you don't have anyone to help with childcare etc. I love my son to death and don't regret him, but this isn't the path I planned to walk in life and thats a bitter pill to swallow.
This is my son who is also 3.
🙏
Peace and strength sisters ❤
I am wishing the best for you and your son🙏🏾!
If you can be able to afford;get an aupair
I grew a fibroid the size of a 9 month baby in my uterus at 39. Two years ago I had a hysterectomy. I have no children and always wanted children so like you I was very sad. I am so happy I had the hysterectomy because I did not want those things to possibly come back! And I made peace with never getting married and having children. Now at 41 I feel so at peace with my life and singlehood🎉
I had a hysterectomy in 2021. I've making peace about it all as well. I have some hard days but it's getting better.
I have fibroids to 7cm on 1 of them & 5 of them total. I got pregnant & it was suspected ectopic pregnancy that ended in a miscarry. 5 months later I got pregnant, fibroids and all & honeeey it was a rough pregnacy, glad I did it.
I had a partial hysterectomy at 38 and now I’m 40! I feel great and I’m a not sad about not being able to have children.
Was a hysterectomy your only option? Im asking because i have fibroids and i still want children. Mine aren't as big as a baby but they're large
@@charliebslilgurl1132 no, there are many options to preserve your uterus. Speak to your gyn♥️ I chose that route for other health concerns as well.
I'm so glad you talked about this.
I'm childfree by choice, but I did initially want children as well. I even chose out their names. But I can't see any redeemable qualities about this world. I think the best thing I can do for my children is not have them.
Maybe in another life, I'd like to experience parenthood. But not in this one.
I hope that you live your best childfree life. I hope this next decade is so wonderful and abundant, and makes up for all the shit you've had to go through. ❤️
You articulated this perfectly! I made the child free choice for the same reason.
I'm child-free not by choice. I don't know why but I've always wanted to have and help children from the age of 8. I don't know if it was my own childhood trauma but I've always felt strongly about it more than say marriage or a life partner. My only sadness is that my hardworking parents' genetic legacy will end with me ( possibly too old) and my sibling( never wanted children) but maybe I can set up a financial legacy in their name if the sibling agrees and there is anything left over after the funeral costs and their estate is settled.
Same here but for slightly different reasons. I see what you're saying about the current climate but I don't recall a world being so close to perfect for a child to live in if that makes sense. 😂 there's always been good and bad, its just now thanks to media and technology advancements were more aware of the bad stuff.
I'm a man who is child free by choice also, this world has gone to crap an also yes I do believe in climate change.
I concur!!!!
I'm so happy we are opening up and talking about this, thank you Steph. I spent my late 30's considering being a single parent by choice. Froze eggs at 36. But at 39 the pandemic hit and I had time to slow down and really look around and consider my future. I was raised by a single mother and it was hard. I had to be honest with myself and acknowledge that my child's life would be just as hard. I would have to work myself to a stand still to give them a good life and never spend any real time with them. Then, I'd have to still go find them positive masculine role models to make sure they have that (I didn't have that growing up). At 40 I realised I'm not keen on doing all that. Just thinking about it gave me anxiety. As soon as I faced that fact, I felt so FREE. A lot of people have opinions about my choice, especially strangers, but it doesn't move me because I gave myself time to make this decision for myself.
But then who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?
@@rinared9 if that's the sole purpose 4 having kids, don't bother to have them.......Great comment asyouwere
@@rinared9 Let's play the "But" game. Following up on your question, but how do you know a woman is guaranteed to survive a pregnancy, delivery, or after-birth? But how do you know the child is guaranteed to to be born healthy and not with disabilities that would require the parent to take care of them for the rest of their lives? But how do you know if that parent will be good to the child in order for the child to want to take care of their parent when they get older? But how do you know someone won't be a horrible parent resulting in that child not giving a damn about that parent later in life? But how do you know that parent may die when the child is young? But how do you know the child won't die before the parent gets old? I can keep going. "But then who's going to take care of you when you're old?" So you're basically birthing a HOPEFUL caregiver? Got it.
@@rinared9 the government
@ Rina Red. Where is it written that your kids will take care of you when you’re old? There are plenty of nursing homes that disproves your statement. Moreover, who has kids to only take care of them when they become elderly? There is no guarantee that your kid will want to take on the monumental task of being a caretaker when that time comes.
This is a GREAT decision. I feel that in my heart of hearts. It takes a VILLAGE to raise a child. Setting yourself up to purposely go at it alone, is a disservice to yourself and the child.
Yes I agree, but even if you have a great village, children want fathers.
Children don't want fathers. They don't want mothers either. They want loving and devoted caregivers. To say the opposite is a very heteronormative and outdated view. Not to mention a damaging view for all those children (including many I know personally) who were adopted into single-parent homes or born into homes with same-sex parents. I sincerely hope those kids don't run into other kids whose parents say things like "Children need a father".
If you can't emotionally and materially provide for a child, you don't have a village and cannot create one, don't have kids. Otherwise you can 100% have a child alone or with your same-sex partner.
Sincerely, a choice mom to a wonderful, happy child.
It takes a village that over the years no longer exists.
Unfortunately our society has fully transitioned into a capitalist mindset that doesn't willingly sacrifice for others. Everyone is out for themselves these days 😢
@@SunshineJoleen It's not about what the child wants but moreso what the child needs. Children need both a mother and father figure in their life. Especially the sons. Because quite often I see how so many boys grow up being too passive or submissive because they didn't have a strong fatherly influence in their life. While both men and women can contribute in different ways, people are taking a huge gamble when purposely raising a child within a single parent home.
Both women and men contribute different things in society. Women can do things that men cannot do, and vice versa. So children need the best of both words. It's why it's so important to have a masculine male/father within the child's life, and a feminine woman/mother there also.
Because if you ain't got the mother OR father around for the child, you better get your sh*t together and make sure your child has a male and/or female mentor that can fill in that gap of a missing mother or father.
@@SunshineJoleen You are speaking to the wants and needs of the adults, not the children. Ask children from single households. They will tell you themselves.
I used to want children. There are a mixture of things that have changed my mind. From my mental health, to not having much autonomy from my limiting culture and now wanting to live life on my terms, to not having a great experience with dating and being VERY single at now at 33. I can imagine how hard it is for women who are certain that they want children, where as for me I had been on the fence for a while so it’s easy for me to make this decision now. Being a woman is hard, especially a Black woman. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I feel the same way and you are not alone. It’s important to keep growing and making ourselves better. 😊
I'm 33 years too. Been single for 8 years. Dating had been a mess. It's exhausting too. I don't have kids and I just don't know if I would ever have any. Sometimes I think about it , sometimes it's like, life has been so rough for me I can't imagine bringing a little human into my mess. I'll just let life be
This comment section is so supportive and loving. Really beautiful. ❤
You are exuding internal peace- I can feel it. I've been following you for awhile and feel like I've been on this journey with you, I've cried watching many of your videos because we share similar experiences. I admire your ability to remain true to your values, accept your reality, move on, and just be free. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
I adore you. This is video going to help so many women.
Completely agree! Steph’s videos always make me cry 😢
I had a still born child at 32 and the doctors had no idea why. At 42 I see things differently and understand why. Your realization after your journey is why I never intentionally tried to become a parent again. I see you.
this post triggered my heart, I cried and I prayed for you. you are speaking for a lot of us. ..100% I did not want to be a single parent by choice or not... BUT I wish I had frozen my eggs, cause I finally meant my husband and got married at 40, and decided that I really wanted kids...2 IVF cycles later and I don't have that many eggs left, but I am hopeful.
I am a single mother. I love being a mother, this is the greatest achievement in my life. I can’t imagine not being a mother. Like many women, I looked forward to a wedding, marriage, husband and raising a family but when I was 36 I started to worry about the biological clock but no husband was in sight. I got pregnant at 37 and had a premature baby. So challenging! Today she is thriving and makes me proud that I am a mother. I am an immigrant so I don’t have any family close by, it’s all been God’s grace and friendships.
I think there are two types of women: I) those who strongly feel that they should bear children and will likely be sad if they didn’t. 2) those who are not attached to bearing children or becoming mothers. The earlier one discovers themselves, the better.
I regret over expecting that I would get married when I thought I should get married. Some women who marry late have to live through the pain of not having children. I’m glad I chose this route. Having a stable source of income has been helpful although I was always broke in the early days due to daycare costs. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it!
I appreciate Steph’s vulnerability so much! This was a beautiful video. It made me emotional because I have been watching Steph for a little while and I know how much she longs for a companion and motherhood and I am so thankful that God has brought a peace to her life. I am excited for what God will do for her in her 40’s! Steph has such a sweet spirit…nothing but good things are on the way for her.
Very true… but a part of me wishes she would fight harder. I’m currently 40 & can’t nobody tell me I won’t have my son. I don’t care what “impossibilities” could potentially litter my way. I will fight them all. And my spirit is such that I will fight like hell… but I’m also cool if it doesn’t happen.
It’s not a desperate fight. It is an I don’t see any reason why this shouldn’t happen fight- so I’ll gladly give it my all. It will work.. & if it doesn’t, I’m ok with that too.
For me she puts way too much focus on adversities. Ie: I’m dark skinned & allegedly not classically attractive so no one will date me. I have fibroids so my biology is against me. My village is small, I will struggle. My girl just make a way & have faith! Things have a way of magically working out, all you need is a strong desire to get it done & mountains will move. My sister had 4 children WITH all her fibroids.
Amen 🙏😍
Im glad you decided this for yourself. Being a single parent is hell...absolute hell. Even having help being a parent is hard so doing it alone is damn near impossible. My son is 3yrs old but he has autism and its EXHAUSTING. He needs so much help then i have my daughter who's 2. Its alot. Im telling yall. Yall arent missing out on shiiiiiiit except stress and drama(from the BDs)
Love to you💗
Yikes
@Aloha! It’s Leilani 🌸 telling all of the truth keeping it completely 100. Society will fool you into thinking you've arrived when you're married qnd have a family but 12 times out of 10 the woman is doing all the work in her marriage and caring for the kids. Not all marriages ofc but too many to count and mom is ALWAYS the default parent..which means dad/hubby can fuck off qnd fuck around whenever he likes. Mom's baby and daddy's maybe is very true. Being single is true freedom. People have demonized singlehood when it's actually the best status to have in this day and time. Finally realizing that at 31 after having kids and shit relationships. Not worth it.. my kids are ofc but the extra shit. No. Absolutely not.
I completely understand and am praying for your strength!
How come everyone has autism these days...could it be the food?
I love this for you. Acceptance is freeing.
I’m 29 and childfree by choice. I was raised by a single mom and I’m really just not interested in repeating that. I have no issues being a mommy to other people’s children (the village). No real desire to have mine.
Exactly, that's a very mature position. These women aren't thinking about how the child will feel not having a dad in the home.
@@ariamason9324 exactly, to me it’s a very selfish decision, it’s about the wants and needs of the individual and not the child. Having two parents is really what’s natural, but of course it won’t work out like that always, even more so in this modern society but to go into it intentionally isn’t it.
I agree with you, the tribe is so important in raising kids. I ended up being a single parent, not by choice, i fell for a narcissist (now i know). It is culture for us for your mom to drop everything and come live with you after giving birth, or you just go be your mom. Mine came up for the birth and i went home for my entire 4 months maternity leave. Simple things she taught me, having her latch, helping get her to sleep. I left my mom's with a live in nanny whom she had trained.
A year or two into my child's life i knew i had to get away from my partner, I then relocated to a new city and my parents stepped into primary parents till i settled in. When i was faced with unemployment and getting into working for myself, i moved closer to my parents and for 4 years we parented together. I've been single parenting my teen for 3 years with my folks in another city, they have her for holidays.
Infact my dad never fails to remind me that culturally my child, as an unmarried daughter is their child, traditionally speaking my daughter is my younger sister 😊. My child calls my parents mama and tata as if they are her parents, yes she calls me mom as well. She also considers my home, her home and looks forward to school breaks to visit my "our" folks.
I just wanted to share just how important that tribe is- went on forever there🤭
Your parents sound wonderful.
You really really need to thank them for stepping in since you weren’t capable of doing so without their support.
I have a cousin who had a similar situation regarding her baby daddy.
Her parents swooped in to help with the rearing of their grandchild which also included helping out financially.
She rewarded their help by getting knocked up again and blaming the baby daddy (again).
Her parents refused to help and my cousin aborted that child because she knew that without their help she would be screwed.
Eventually everything worked out and she’s now solely responsible for raising her child.
@@MsTemptation having help doesn't mean you're incapable. This is the village that's needed.
@@MsTemptation yes they are! Actually i should do something to show them how much i appreciate them beyond words.
this is how it’s supposed to be. i was raised by my mother & grandmother
Amazing! Not only do kids need more than one parent, they need more than parents!
Jesus please bless this wonderful woman with miracles, 🙏
I'm so grateful for this video. I too grieved. The idea of being married and having kids. I literally pulled my car over and cried. I was 34 and that was 7 years ago. I can't say I'm completely at peace because while I was never the pick my dress out as a kid girl. I was the I believed I would eventually be partnered. I'm finding peace. Not quite there as of it. But I will be
This is another thing I hate about "society." The notion that everyones life has to take the same arbitrary path and achieve the same arbitrary goals through life and are made to feel like failures if they don't achieve them. Life is life and we should be allowed to live it as freely as possible without arbitrary, trivial judgements.
Well said, I totally agree. 👏👏👏
Amen.
SO so proud of you.
Single black man here from Europe. Been following your story and I APPLAUD you for analyzing your reality and prioritizing the well being (social and otherwise) of a potential child you could bring into the world as a single parent.
I also decided to not have children. I wish you well Steph.
Thank you for being so transparent. I always went back and forth on wanting children more so in my 20’s and early 30’s. But now as I approach 40. I am all set. I literally just said to a co worker last week. EVEN IF I did want to have children, at this point I don’t have a village (parents are gone siblings useless) and I’d be alone. So I’ll just stick with me and my dog! I hope you continue to find the healing that you need. 🥰
Coming from a single parent household I'm not really for being a single mom by choice BUT I can defo understand why some women choose to do so. Thank you for being so transparent and brave to talk about it on camera, it was really informative too. Great things and surprises are coming your way Steph!!!💜❤️💙
Your level of self-awareness, & your immense courage to be publicly vulnerable, is a gift. I can't even begin to thank you enough. Love & gratitude all the way from South Africa 💞
I had a baby at 19 and did not realise how much it has affected my life until the past few years. I had been on autopilot. Escaping his Dad (been a fully single Mum for the past 10 years but I pretty much was anyway because his Dad didnt contribute anything but grief and heartache), then went through uni and got a Masters, got a car, our own little apartment and now i have a decent (ish) job and support us both.
I didnt get to do all the crazy experiences my friends did in their twenties. Dating, travelling, building careers, figuring themselves out. It was really hard. I didn't have a village at all and my friends left one by one. I've only ever had my Mum, thank goodness for her.
Now I am 34, single and all my friends either have babies or are trying to have babies and in some ways I'm happy I am a young Mum. my son will be in his twenties when I'm in my forties while my friends will still have young infants.
I really feel for women who reach their 30's and want a child but are single. I would have loved to have another child, I even bought baby clothes to keep for when it happened but I quickly realised it wasn't going to. Ive not had another relationship since i left my sons dad and my mental health has been a struggle. I sometimes feel guilty for grieving the second child I never had when I've already been blessed with one.
I fgure its best to just focus on the child (or should I say teenager) that I do have ❤
Your story is so similar to mines it’s scary! I was 21 and had no idea what I was doing and little help from the other parent. I missed out on a lot of young adulthood when I became a parent but I don’t regret that at all.
I wish I could hug you. Your a strong mama.
Wishing you success and happiness 💗✨
There’s nothing wrong nor a reason to feel guilty about grieving a second child that never was. Your feelings are valid, the wish to have a child or to have more children are both valid. Sorry about your mental health issues and that resulting in only having a negative relationship experience to look back on. I absolutely empathize and identify with you on that.
You know, something that really irks me is how women are at fault if they are not in a relationship by a certain age, if they don't have children by a certain age or in a certain matter but no one talks about the second part of the equation - men who won't commit to a faitful relationship, marriage, children. And then it is also our fault that we won't settle for someone that we don't like and can't imagine the future that we are being told that we should have with them. Oh and don't even get me on "women ruining families" by divorcing, because God forbid that you stand your ground and leave an unhappy, unhealthy or even toxic marriage. Have you forgotten that your job is to be happy with whatever you are given, just so that you don't become an old single lady.
I really try my best to insulate myself against the pressures of the society that we live in, but it really isn't easy. I've been watching your videos for years on and off and even though I am a white woman in Europe in her mid-twenties, I always felt like I could relate to your very personal content. I admire you very much and wish you all the best on your upcoming journeys. 🍀
Honestly Stephany this is literally the bravest things that anyone one on the internet has ever made. Any judgement that i passed before, I can only apologize. You are an inspiration to us all and I hope you someday find peace.
Being the child of a single mother and now a mother myself, it is very very difficult for me to understand people intentionally going into single parenthood. This is a thankless job. I would do it if I had to I would do it, but if given a choice? Hell naw!
I don't think everyone purposefully chooses that route. Some people reach a certain age and simply don't have a partner, for whatever reason. And unfortunately women do have a biological clock.
The selfishness, the “i want a baby no matter what” it’s sad because kids suffer!
@@Thewho504 honestly since I wrote this, I actually became a single mother of 2 and have a way different perspective. At the time I didn’t realize that I was in an abusive relationship with my children’s father. I left him and it’s been so much easier with just me and the kids without a man in the house terrorizing us every day. Honestly, if the woman has it together and she wants motherhood then I say go for it. But only in a sperm bank or adoption situation or any situation where you can legally guarantee the man won’t be involved. Get your things in a row and do what you gotta do. Being an actual single mom is 1000% better than being a married single mom or having a man leave you high and dry with kids.
So much of what you said resonates with me. I am in my 40s and always thought that I would become a mother. I wasn’t panicking in my early 30s until I was diagnosed with fibroids. Massive ones, ironically I look like was 6 months pregnant. I had a myomectomy and at a follow up appointment a nurse warned me to have children soon because they would come back (which they have). I was never massively confident when it came to dating and as a dark skinned black woman it was always a struggle meeting men. While I wouldn’t say I massively picky, I don’t have a list of requirements (I just wanted someone I connected with and that I was physically attracted to) there was no way I was going to settle for someone just to start a family. There were a couple of guys but nothing ever solidified. When I hit 40 I started thinking about going it alone but for every single reason that you mentioned at the start of your video; social stigma, judgement, single black mother trope, still hoping to meet someone etc I held off. 2019 I decided to go it alone, but I began tentatively, checking out clinics doctors and sperm banks. Finally decided on a clinic when covid hit so everything was put on hold for about a year and half. Covid ended I began the journey, scans and different types of test, bloods etc, which wasn’t cheap. I had been ignoring a pain that started on my lower back and top of thigh for a number of years thinking I had sciatica until it got really bad and really started to effect how I walked. I took time off work and eventually ended up leaving because it turned out that I had arthritis in my hip and needed a a hip replacement. I’m in the uk so this was done on the NHS but it meant that there was a waiting list. I finally had the surgery last year and up until about 6 months ago I was still adamant that I was still going to try for a baby alone. When one day I realised some things
1. I had already spent a small fortune.
2. I had been warned by my doctor that while I had more eggs than expected for someone my age, the quality wouldn’t be good.
3. Most importantly I was no longer working.
The thought of the uphill battle I had was hard to get past and when I factored in the cost of raising a child when I might not be able to work (there is a strong chance my other hip will need to be replaced.) there were just too many obstacles to overcome in order to become a parent and what kind of life could I now provide.
So I made the decision to stop. I surrendered as you said. And I am okay with it. Do I get sad about it? Yes, of course. Thoughts pop into my head from time to time especially when my friend are having kids or I’m around my baby nieces. I just don’t believe if should be this hard if it is meant to happen. With every obstacle I overcame another one would shoot up. I was tired and skint and although I know I could’ve have raised a child alone and put my all into it. I didn’t want to be a single parent. Since I’ve let it go I’ve become excited about my future because I can do anything, go anywhere at anytime. I don’t have to take any job just to make sure I am able to financially support my child I can focus on things I enjoyed doing in my 20s, things I abandoned because adult life got in the way. So that is what I’m doing. I’m am retraining. I plan to get a entry level job at production company. I’ve started Korean language classes and I am planning a trip to Japan. I want my physical health to be at its optimum so I am back at the gym. I always wanted to get my boobs lifted (the original plan was to do it after putting my body through pregnancy) so I’ve booked that. It’s not the life I had hoped for but it can still be wonderful.
Apologies the typos, you get the gist*
Thanks for sharing sister
Steph this hurts to hear but I can't imagine how it felt coming to this conclusion. I just want the best of everything for you, sis. I love your positivity moving forward. I'll stay positive with you❤
Before even getting into the vid: Steph looks so good here! Skin is glowing! And we see the slimming getting the already bad body even more snatched!
Yes she looks better. I wish her happiness and peace
I am so happy for you , no single motherhood may not be the best but as a nurse practitioner student , I think it is amazing to see the children of the aging parents supporting them as they age.
I think that it’s okay for woman to be single mothers by choice because women deserve to have a family even if they’re not married
I grew up in foster care and feel the same way. Yet, I'll be 33 this year and resigning myself to the idea that idea of having a child with someone; most likely won't happen. Just got out of a toxic 2 1/2 year relationship and just honestly wanna be by myself at this point. I'm happy to see you back!!
Hun don't put that into the universe. You're born lucky. 🎉 Wish you the best
@@joeroot9142 absolutely. Like, what is happening here!? 33 & resigning to childlessness… on what basis!? Honey there are plenty of childbearing years left! Hell I’m 40 & optimistically looking forward to having my first child. I see no reason why it shouldn’t happen.
I understand things appear to look bleak for women of colour, but this is actually now quite concerning. If the original & first woman of earth is refusing to fight for her family, it’s not even a stretch to question the longevity of the black race with this narrative as a growing reality.
Let us not luxuriate on failed & broken relationships of the past. Mourn the death of the relationship, spend a little time healing- then move the hell on with your life! I think in this time we really have to get a bit stricter on ourselves & the management of our emotions. There is too much information out there for us to not be armed with knowledge on how to work through trauma expeditiously.
I don’t have all of the same struggles as you, Steph, but there are core elements that are universal about the human experience. I love that you speak so well and confidently about the ups and downs of the human experience. You are truly a gem on this platform. You a very special and truly can’t be compared to anyone else. What a gift you are to your viewers.
My mom is a single parent to a 5 year old (I’m 21 next month). She ended up pregnant again at 40 and she has fibroids. She said it was her hardest most worst pregnancy ever.
This is such a fascinating topic. Thank you for being vulnerable with us.
Many married women are doing it “on their own” believe it!! Motherhood is tough period!!
I never wanted children..however when i was in a long term relationship for nearly 10 years i did try..not one pregnancy scare...the doctors try to tell me to get a hysterectomy because of fibriods; they even recommended ivf...my dad however said to me to believe that life has reason; and to stop trying...my ex and i broke up that was in my 20s..at nearly 39 i am 4 mths pregnant after a couple mths of a casual relationship...and that experience in my 20s proved to me that what life has in store for u will come to u..so what u dont get doesnt belong to u
Such a good convo to have for the girlies who reached their 30s and realized the life your picture is not likely to happen. I’m in the same boat. ❤
My Dad told me for him life really began at 40. Before that he was just existing. 👍 My 40's have been better so far too. Enjoy them!
@carlito I think the wisdom that can come with age helps put to rest many anxieties and insecurities we have in our younger years. Easier to prioritize what really matters and appreciate the good. At least that was true for me and my Dad. 😄 Hope it keeps getting better. I'd like to hold onto my health though. Lol
I so love that
I was told that I could not have kids due to the severity of my endometriosis. At the time I ended a relationship that was toxic, I was in therapy for PTSD due to it. Heartbreaking parts was that I had done ivf at 24 with my ex and we had 7 embryos. To be childless (which is the opposite of child free) and know that there are embryos you can’t use, is absolute hell. But at the same time I didn’t want to be tied to him either, it was an internal battle. I grieved being childless as it wasn’t a choice, I was forced to accept that I used my eggs with the wrong person. He destroyed the embryos over a year after we broke up and I had to pay money for his choice. Years later another doctor told me I could have kids but needed a treatment plan that suit my needs. I eventually gave birth to a daughter at 33, as a single mom by choice/donor recipient. Because I’ll never again put myself in a situation where someone else decides if get to have kids. He’d actually say I didn’t deserve any because I was depressed at 18, my mom died when I was 3. I enjoy parenting, my child wants for nothing, she’s gifted and a HSP. I’m chronically I’ll due to endo but also adenomyosis, which sucks. But I wouldn’t change a thing, I don’t have parents nor grandparents but I do have village including a great male role model. My baby girl is such a joy in my life and I’m grateful I get to be her mommy.
@@priscillaf9887 Hi Priscilla! Is it possible to speak with you? I would love to talk to sokeone going throygh what im gping through now.
I went through this exact same thing around the age of 36. It was all-consuming and depressing, but I finally worked through it thanks to therapy. Thanks so much for always sharing our stories. You honestly make a difference!
@Oh!Stephco
Thank you Steph for being beautifully vulnerable as always. My mom passed away in September unexpectedly in a car accident.
Prior to my mom I had never lost anyone I was close to nor had I attended any funerals. So the first burial service I ever had to attend was my own mothers. She died at 51 and I was 27 -now 28.
In grieving my mom I am also, similarly to you, grieving a life I envisioned I would have but no longer can. Assuming she’d be around when I’d have my first kid, or even get married or other life events is no longer a possibility. She will no longer physically ever be with me. There’s an eternal ache I feel from my heart (literally) that comes with knowing that from now on whenever something amazing happens in my life the #1 person I would run to share the news with is not around, at least not physically.
Initially it made me want to just give up on life. Like what’s even the point. But in my 8months of grieving I’m starting to accept my reality and trying to come to terms with how life unfolded for me.
Keep in mind I’m 28 and no prospects of any future husband in sight and yes, I also would very much like to become a mother but having learned an important lesson from my moms death: we can’t attach ourselves to any thing, person, relationship, role in this world. All we have is who we are in the present moment. I am just learning to make do with my current circumstance.
Thanks for allowing us the space to have these heavy convos 💕
Well said!!!!!!!💯💯💯💯
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your reflections ❤
@@christinakcover thank you💕
Omg my mom passed away when I was 25 and now I’m 29 looking to be a single mom by choice. I settled with the thought as well, this is my life and my kids will never get to meet their grandma until they get to Heaven.
This breaks my heart. My mom is my best friend and #1 person I go to for EVERYTHING. I'm childless,single and 38. I feel bad that,esp as her only daughter,I may not be the one to plan a wedding or baby shower with or for her to experience grandkids with me(one of my brothers has kids but is a deadbeat so we have no real relationship with any of them) I truly hope Peace finds you in Life's unfortunate circumstances 🙏🏽🙏🏽
This video touch me so much because I understand!! ❤️❤️My whole life I wanted to be a mom, I dreamt about my life with children and being married-I dreamed of it so much that as a teenager I couldn’t wait to turn 30, because I believed my life would be buying a house, having my career, married to the love of my life, and being happy with my family. Instead at 30 I have multiple sclerosis (I got at 25), I’ve gone back to school because I had to stop going because of my health, I’m in debt for the first time because last year I got Covid and was so sick I couldn’t function right for most of the year, I work a minimum wage job at a theme park, and I have 2 lab puppies which are my everything. I’ve never been in a relationship( I actually still have my “V” card), and I’m 31 just trying to survive.
I have started to accept that I may never have kids, but the funny thing is once I accepted that I felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders and I’m not crazy stressed about my future, I’m looking forward to it so much more. I spent my 20s trying to heal and be healthy so that my kids would have a strong able mom, that time was not in vain because I ended up reparenting myself 🥰 so to me, my future looks bright! Also thank you so much for sharing your story about being sick, I went through that last year -being sick and trying to take care of 2 puppies alone was a nightmare! I never wanted to have kids alone and that experience showed me that I definitely REFUSE to have kids without a partner or a village!
Thank you Steph your videos always make me feel less alone❤❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing your story ❤
Please know that you are still quite young and if it's something you want still, you can pick up in life and it can turn around and get the things you dream of. Over 30 doesn't mean over. Take care!
@@malgorzatawojtys9846 ❤️❤️your welcome love! I hope your continuing to find your peace!
@@mandyb5167 I appreciate your kind words so much thank you ❤️❤️ that makes me feel a bit better❤️
@@themostbeautifulisraw4561 your welcome hun! I hope it helps someone feel less alone❤️❤️❤️
I’m 26 but have gynae conditions. I so relate as im a Virgin waiting for marriage. Every day I grapple with my fertility and hope I don’t regret my decision to do things Gods way.
You won't 🤗
Thank you for sharing very relatable content. I am 14 months post-myomectomy. Whatever happens- happens and if it doesn’t I am still okay.
I'm a 29 year old gay man who works as a school teacher, and I never had a relationship. I have craved for years to have my own family. Not just adopting kids, but having biological kids as well. While I am accepting of my sexuality now, I also feel a bit cursed dealing with this.
I don't have money like the wealthy gay men who go the surrogate route. I wouldn't do surrogacy anyway because I want the mother in the child's life. I also don't want to burden female friends with carrying a child for me because I understand how stressful and life changing pregnancy is for women.
I don't bother with signing up for being a donor because being a short guy (5'6) and not the most attractive, no one would choose me anyway.
Working as a school teacher, I try my best to smile as I enjoy the children in my classroom, but on occasions driving home, I cry desperately wanting children of my own. I feel like I'll never have the happiness and fulfillment other fathers will have. I dread being on my deathbed knowing I left no children behind for my mom (she raised me by herself) and failing as a man.
Not saying I completely understand your journey, but I wish I can one day arrive at your place of "letting go."
❤ your words touched my heart, I hope you find peace ❤ I really hope God bless your life with whatever makes you happy ❤❤❤
You'd be a great parent because you want to really to be there for whole thing. I know a gay man who along with a gay female friend have coparented a child together. I think they did artificial insemination. Just a thought. It worked for them.
@@annmarieknapp That would be a great scenario to have for my child.
@@mammi3577 Thank you for your kind words. ❤️
Your words are so beautiful ❤if you ever need a donation I have a few eggs on ice 😊
SMBC here! I talk about my journey on my UA-cam Channel. It was something I strongly considered for about 5 years. I finally got serious about it when I was told that I needed to get a move on because I was 38 with PCOS Had twin boys this past October. My friend asked me did I want to be married more or a mother. And I wanted to be a mother more. I'd done mostly everything I wanted to do, so didn't feel like I'd be missing out on anything by having children. I have a great support system and I work for myself. The support and flexibility makes it easier. There's definitely a stigma attached to women having children on their own. I had a lot of time to prepare myself for negative comments. I haven't received much... thank goodness! I was told by one person YT that I was the problem with the black community and I'm encouraging women to have babies out of wedlock! Also said I should "marry before I carry ." Anywho!
Its all luck. Finding a partner is pure luck. Theres great attractive people who are lonely and then theres people who ugly on the inside and out and have a great partner. Sharon stone had to go on bumble to try to find a man and shes an A list celebrity. Good luck Steph
Yes it is pure luck. My BDs are complete ass.
It’s so true!
Idk know why people don’t admit it. There’s no formula when it comes to dating and relationships. Especially as most people want to find their person in their twenties it’s just luck really
@@taii_chii6782 because so many hetero women derive a lot of their identity on being chosen by a man, so to reduce the randomness of that choice can be very upsetting.
@@ManUntdForever I mean sure, but human beings are just generally bad at accepting somethings are out of our control. It is what drives us. It is mostly positive, but it can also be negative. This is one of the areas where it doesn't really work.
The thing that gets me with this whole militantly anti-single motherhood movement is everyone thinks they’ve got a secure marriage but the harsh reality is that perfect man could wake up tomorrow & decide he’s done with you & your children. He could have his bags packed, papers printed up & a side chick waiting out front before you even have time to process what’s happening. It’s okay to have standards but being arrogant about it isn’t gonna earn you any sympathy when it all comes crashing down.
Agree. I especially cringe when they post those images on insta....but what is for you is for you. I just know people don't wish well for you many times. It's better to be happy in silence.
Yeah but most single moms chose bums and had kids with ppl they know were losers, especially those having kids out of wedlock,it’s one thing to get divorced it’s another thing to be irresponsible with your womb and have kids with just anyone
A woman can decide to neglect her children and pack and leave as well. I dont agree with willingly choosing to be a single mother but hey to each its own. Even parents who raise children together say how exhausting it is and stressful it can be so I can only imagine doing it all alone, 24/7.
It’s complex. The anti-motherhood stance is largely bc for black women, you’re not getting abandoned at the altar or even after years of marriage. Most of us aren’t even holding out for long term commitment. At best, we settle for forever boyfriends who are suspended adults, never taking themselves or us seriously. Then we expect them to step up and be amazing dads, when nothing about them screams commitment or fidelity or discipline
It’s one thing to be a widow. It’s one thing to be a divorcee trying to make do. It’s another thing to be reckless in your youth and expect your family to pick up the slack. It’s just not fair to our elders to raise generations of kids bc we can’t keep our legs closed. It’s really unfair for the kid too
My hope is that yes, we may have dreams deferred due to lack of available (and eligible men) to marry. But we focus on building community btw single black women who show up for each other, not just events that are Instagrammable. Being single and unmarried doesn’t have to be a death sentence - it’s liberating IF we actually care about other black women
Or that man could pass away. My cousin just lost her husband back in November and she's got 7 kids. Luckily three of them are teens and they help around the house, but she had a newborn.
Im childfree by choice and every day, with the state of the world, I find plenty of reasons i am grateful to not have kids. Hope you can have a gratitude era in your future 🎉
Same, but Im going to adopt,so many kids need love
Wow this is ironic that I’m watching this. My husband finally found me at 37, and I found out I have fibroids too. We are still trying and praying for our baby 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 Thank you for sharing 🥰🥰
I'm happy that you've gotten to this mental space, and I think I am on the way there. I had a whole breakdown on my 35th birthday because I always thought that I would be a wife and mom at this point. I also am not interested in being a single mom, I do not have the capacity and resources to take that on by myself, but I love children, thought I would have one or two of my own, but the right partner just eludes me. I know that I do not want to be a first-time mother in my 40s, partnered or not, so I am definitely grieving as the door slowly closes and my dating prospects haven't improved.
6 years ago I made a similar video called "Happiness Despite No Children". At that time, I didn't see many black women discussing this topic. My situation is a little different, I'm married so the expectation and the frequent comments of getting pregnant was constant from my family, especially at family gatherings. That grieving process is so real. I'm happy to hear that you are getting through this in a positive and healthy manner. Much love to you and your continued journey.
Are u still married?
@@CCSLC1011 Yes. Happily married for 18 years. We figured hey, let's enjoyed the dual income no kids lifestyle.
Sending you love and hugs. Fertility is truly something that needs to be better invested in by our health system. I was raised by a single mom who taught me that parenthood is basically Russian roulette. You never know what you're gonna get, you never know the kind of support you'll be given, and in the end you'll need to decide if it's something you can potentially do on your own anyway. It's a huge decision and support may vary widely. I wish you all the best and sending healing energy as well for the fibroids.
Heavy on the Russian roulette!
Social infertility I’ve never heard that term , I think this is my situation and I really like the thing you’ve said about having a community when it come to be in a relationship. It’s so triggering to use SM when you’re single especially when you’re a women who’s 30 and up. I’m talking abt your last video and found this one.
When you spend all your 20’s and most of your 30s looking for your person and somehow something always come up ,like it’s not in your card to be partnered. It’s exhausting mentally and emotionally. Thanks for this StephCo.
I can relate to this, I personally have never wanted children, but I have always wanted to find my person. I haven’t dated or had a relationship and I’m 30. I’m a socially anxious person and introverted so I don’t have a social life. I am not “out there” in the world for me to meet someone. So the only way I can meet men is through apps and the apps are hell. Never talked to a man and got to meeting them in person because they were all at the core emotionally unavailable. If they weren’t emotionally unavailable they were coming on too strong.
I have a lot of self worth and I’m not going to settle so I guess I’m going to have to come to terms with that this could be my life. All I’ve ever known is being with myself so being alone for me isn’t the hard part. The hard part is the wanting of connection, companionship. That part is very painful, I cry about it sometimes. So the wanting is like grief that I have to work through.
I’m definitely not giving up on the idea of love, but I value my peace and I want to cherish that. 💜
I so relate to this! Especially the social anxious and introverted part and trying to date is difficult. I’m seeing this a lot in this generation. I often wondered if the women of the 90s had this much difficulty with dating and shared the same concerns. Falling in love, marriage, and creating a family seem easier then.
As a childfree by choice with a partner who feels the same way I have to say yes it’s very freeing. It’s the life I always wanted, but it’s not perfect. People will definitely criticize women for having kids or not having them. I always say, you only get one life so live it how you want. But whatever you do choose make sure it’s not influenced by societal norms.
Wow. I have to applaud your selfless openness on this Stephanie. When I struggled with fertility at only 23, I was riddled with shame and couldn’t bare to talk about it. I linked my self-worth with my ability to have children, and when it wasn’t happening as easily as I’d always assumed it would, I fell into a very dark place. I went down almost every route I could find trying to convince around the barriers of PCOS, and after two year reached my goal of conceiving and birthing a beautiful healthy baby. Less than a year after her arrival, I was forced to face the reality that I had worked so hard to get to this place, but with the absolute wrong person and here I am now with an almost two year old, raising her as a single mother. And I just say all that to say how much I agree with your sentiment and respect the peace you’ve achieved because I would have chosen differently, like many women, had I known what my realities of motherhood would be. I think it’s something that many of us go for just to find out it’s nothing like we hoped it would be. I hope I can go without saying how grateful I am for my child, but raising her alone is never what I pictured and certainly not what she deserves.
So glad you posted this. I was in this place five years ago. I gave up on dating, and researched parenting alone. I then became a foster parent and it became very real what it would mean to be a single parent. It was hard. I wanted the support of a partner, and realized I didn’t want to do it alone. Best of all on your journey and to so many others who had to shift.
Thanks for sharing! Im a 34 yo woman who has been abstinent for years. There are no prospects and Im at peace most days. Looking back, if I had married any of those men, I would be a single mother. I did not have the capacity to raise a child back then and I barely do now. You are not alone.. please keep sharing
I thought of the idea of fostering when I heard the beginning of the video. So I'm glad you mentioned that at the end. I'm so glad you are having peace about this even though it may be difficult. Thank you for sharing this ❤️🩹
Yes or adopt
I am so grateful for your existence on planet Earth 🙏🏾 You have probably set free the minds of so many women of all ages around motherhood and ageism. I can feel the lightness of your spirit in this surrendering ✨️ I'm so happy that you're happy on the other side of this journey. Sending you so much love on your journey ahead, whatever it may be 💕
I now grieve the loss of my uterus when I always wanted to know what it was like to carry my own child. I was misinformed about options, and my normal sized uterus was removed. A castration that leads to extreme health issues that I don't wish on any.
May God be with you always 🙏🏾🙏🏾♥️
💜🙌🏿🙏🏻
🙏
Stepanhie, I’m so in awe of the woman you’ve evolved into. It has been a pleasure to watch in (near) real time. Thank you so much for all that you share with us. I’m a 32 yo single mom of 1. I have help from her father and his family as well as my whole family on both my mom and dads side and it is STILL hard. I applaud you so much for coming to the very realistic conclusion that your village is probably not ideal for the level of care and communal support it takes to raise a kid as a single mother. Cheers to all the joy your 40s inevitably hold for you!
This is literally the most beautiful you've ever looked
She always looks nice. But I agree w u. I love her content she has. I have been a subscriber since she was at like 9K
@@LarennPBel Same 🥰
I’m 39 and have been married for 17 years. We never wanted children and I never understood why anyone would try and convince me of otherwise. Ii e been shamed and called selfish but me being the ornery outspoken Capricorn that I am have no problem defending my position and putting folks in their place. I’m so sorry women are constantly being pressured and made to feel that our only purpose in this life is to bear children. I wish you peace on your new adventures.
I was raised by a divorced mother, I'm saying divorced because she did not choose to be a single mother but became one. She did a wonderful job and I was surrounded by amazing family members. I think more women need to know what they are looking for in raising children.
I would never personally raise a child alone by choice but as I always say, having children is an important emotional step that can't be done in a rush or just because one feels pressured by family or society. That is awesome that you made a decision that feels good for you internally! All the best to you🙂
What happened to your father
You look so beautiful ☺️❤️
For real
Extremely!
Her eye shape overall face is so pretty like a doll or Disney princess !!
She’s honestly a stunning woman. Makes no sense she never had much luck dating. We can thank colourism.
I also have fibroids and am going through similar struggles (multiple fibroids) as a black woman, currently in my early thirties. You’re not alone…Hang in there!
Have you considered removing them? I have 2 measuring 10cm and 5cm. It is the most painful thing ever!
i did myomectomy December last year I'm 35 years, always wanted a family but I'm coming to terms that maybe that's not my destiny.
@nurathmbelwa6597 you have time sis. I am 39 pregnant whilst having 2 fibroids and 1 fallopian tube.
My only worry is this stupid 10cm fibroid. I should have got that removed.
Find someone who you trust to do the journey-even if both of you are not forever. I am sincerely wishing you the best. 🥰😘
@@obibuaku Congratulations sis, I hope and pray that I become a mother one day too
Research Uterine Fibroid Embolisation microsurgery especially the newer methods that make it easier to maintain pregnancy. Done by interventional radiologist. Many gynaes cannot do this simple procedure & some will not even tell you about this.
So glad you’ve come to this realisation (even if it’s bittersweet). I’m a bit older and had the same journey.
Having a pet and seeing how you cope on your worst days is a good litmus test.
I have a friend with auto immune conditions (and a pet and likes to travel) who wanted to go it alone and I gently remind her of these things.
I think too many people worry about possibly regretting not having kids and panic and have one by any means necessary but do they ever consider the long term happiness of the kid?
Even when you have a partner it can really vary as to how supportive they are. And then there are the guys who are parents who tell me all their woes and make me wonder what their partner would think if they knew all this.
I love and completely respect your transparency. You’ve elevated this much needed conversation and I pray more women can start to articulate this journey as you continue to do. India Arie once stated, “your only job is to just be your best you”. Whatever that looks like for you, even when you acknowledge things you’ve wanted, still want but maybe won’t have etc., let’s just focus on what we are ment to control and live in it the best way we can.
I knew at 6 years old, I wanted to adopt. But after researching the benefits of having two parents or community, I have decided to partner with other single moms and some older people and build my on. I have also considered co-adopting. It isn’t just about having kids, but the lack of homes and community for children.
I'm 26 and I have always wanted a family but me dealing with PCOS and being infertile, I gave up, I went through depression because I was never going to be a mom, but I slowly learned that I will be okay, Now I'm just trying to move on from that mindset of wanting a family one day to enjoying being single and living my life to the fullest.
Women with PCOS can still have children, however, it can be quite challenging balancing your hormones for conception. Don’t give if you still desire to have a child.
@@notorioustia I have tried fertility journey but unsuccessful. Again, I'm rooting for anyone who is still trying to become mom.
Your honesty once again is astounding. Thank you for being so candid and vulnerable - you're helping so many people! ❤❤❤
Steph your honesty and maturity is so refreshing! I’m a new Mom with a husband and help from family and I was still shocked how hard parenting was. I have so much respect for women doing it all on their own. And I can admit knowing what I know, I would never willingly go into it knowing I would have no help. It’s a huge decision bringing a human being in this world. And it’s so refreshing hearing someone make a thoughtful, responsible, decision about it.
You make so many good points about living solo and then feeling under the weather! All of the responsibilities a person has become very challenging under those circumstances.
Steph, thank you so much for being so vulnerable on a public platform. I’m 29 and single and I also desire partnership and the prospect of creating a family.
Nevertheless, I’d like to pray for you. I pray that true, everlasting love is brought manifest in your life and that your relationship is blessed beyond your wildest imagination and expectation. I pray that this Union is anointed by God and is fruitful. I pray that God reveals your divine mate to you soon. You are so deserving of the relationship that you desire. Amen!
I feel you. Divorced almost two years ago. Been single since. 2023 has been hard: Depression, non-stop months of migraines, insomnia, back pain, and stress has really debilitated me. I had to separate my turtles because one of them is attacking and biting chunks out of her sister’s neck and head. I don’t have a second tank set up so I DIY a cooler and bowl setup that I have to physically fill up and empty throughout the day cause turtles poop and pee a lot. Also trying to figure out the heat lamp to water bowl time ratio and been burning my babies so the parent guilt is just… tremendous. What kind of threw me over the edge was fear of getting written up at work for poor performance. I broke down this weekend. A two and a half hour call with my dad saved my life. I can barely take care of myself, much less my scale-babies. I can’t bring a child into this world on my own. Not with my ex husband and definitely not on my own right now. Don’t worry, I talk to my therapist today and I’ve reached out to my doctor. I have plans to see a friend today. I’m gonna be safe. Take care of each other everyone. ❤
What helped me during my divorce and after is 1.God i laid all i could at His feet
2.Crying,i wailed if i had too for what i had envisioned it to be.FOREVER?
3.Exercise and getting new hobbies does help.
Trust me you will be ok and you will even laugh and ask yourself why you even cried😂
Things are going to flourish for you that you will be amazed
I know they say never compare your life to others, but it's hard. Especially when the way some people plan their lives is exactly how it happens. For me I planned the husband, 3 kids, happy family. However at 25 I had post partum eclampia, 1st baby and it was very severe. Had to be in an induced coma to lower my blood pressure. Our marriage never recovered after that because we grew apart and eventually divorced. However it has been a roller coaster in dating and trying to find the right person. I've dated but in the end all it left me with is disappointments and contracting high risk hpv... So I do grieve, because even if I do meet someone having another baby after having severe eclampsia is not advised. Plus the hpv diagnosis can result in cancer which can sadly really end my fertility. So Im grieving, but still on the fence. Im 33.
I was just telling my friend who is pregnant! She wanted to do natural and do this and do that. I never said anything about her planning her life and to allow things to flow. Bc I didn’t wanna be negative. But turned out she has pregnancy complications and has to get a c section.
I hope you get everything you’ve always wanted.
I, too, had to grieve-I never wanted a child but I always wanted genuine, healthy partnership-never found that, but I had to realize I don’t think I’m ready for all the risks that comes with dating. I’m now not interested. I spent a whole year grieving and is still grieving, but I’m adamant now.
I hope you find your peace soon.
I grieved having a “professional” career. I’m 35 and yes, I can still go back to school for 4+ years and make something happen, but with student loans and being indecisive about what I want to do it won’t be worth it. So now I have accepted just making money without purpose/passion.
So many of us with terminal degrees are in the same boat. You are not alone.
Thank you for this video. I turn 40 in November and I have spent all of my 30’s crying over not having a child. I appreciate you
Thanks for letting us follow your journey!
Steph, I truly appreciate your vulnerability. As a mother of 2 boys. (14 & 6). And being a 34 y/o woman , if I hadn’t already had my 1st son , I’d probably decided not to have kids . Seeing what comes with it and being that I am a single mom , I would have definitely done things differently and waited. Perhaps not even had any at this point. I’m proud of you for sharing this journey . I love your channel and how relatable you are . This is such a safe space for me . Thanks for being you amongst all the criticisms you get . ❤
Hi im curious, you saying if you had not had your first son, you wouldn't have had kids. Why have a second baby?
@@melmel7011 Yes , I wouldn’t have any kids if I didn’t have my first son . I had him in my teens . I had my 2nd son bc I was in a relationship that I thought would last (hence the age differences) . But knowing what I know now . I probably wouldn’t have had any kids so soon to begin with . If any at this point in my life . That’s why I’m done having kids .
Don't worry stephanie. A lot of women are in your position due to circumstances. The fertility rate around the world is decreasing while egg freezing is increasing. So, single motherhood by choice will inevitably be as common place as egg freezing and online dating. It's just a matter of people getting iver the initial stigma and being exposed to it in their everyday.
I am incredibly happy for you finding peace Steph, it really compliments you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Your Mental Awareness month videos are always special
I feel like I leave a comment like this on every video you post, but thank you for sharing your journey with us. Being so transparent on the internet about the intricacies of life is not for the weak. We love ya girl ❤️😘
Ah, I love this conversation because I’ve made up my mind since I was a preteen that I didn’t want children - but then my family would guilt trip me into “just one” and I would waver. But be filled with anxiety and dread just at the thought of raising one.
Now at my big age of 27, I can confidently say - I’m good. And nothing will change my mind regarding it. Fostering and/or adopting will be more than enough if the urge becomes too strong.
Are you by chance African?
@@nessparadis6948 Haitian-American:)
Back in 2012 i had a myomectomy for fibroids because i was hoping to get pregnant. After i healed from the surgery, i had a hsg and found out both my tubes were blocked. I was told i needed IVF if i ever wanted to get pregnant again. Fast foward to 2023 was never able to get pregnant and because of my age, my partner and i felt likehood that i get pregnant was too slim amd we didn't want to spend that kind of money and still end up not pregnant. So im here many years later unpregnant. Im just grateful i was able to experience being a mom of 1, so im still blessed. Good luck to everyone still on this arduous fertility journey, much luv❤
Sorry for the typos🤦🏾♀️
I'm a SMBC and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. That being said, my finances are solid and I have a village... partially one I created (hired help) but also a supportive family.
I worried about congenital defects, chromosomal abnormalities etc but that is, in part, why I opted to have my baby NOW, on my own, and not wait to meet a man, date for years, get married, conceive naturally _THEN_ have a child with special needs due to my advanced age.
In theory it would be easier to do it in a marriage but.... I'm divorced so I'm painfully aware that marriages break, and there's nothing like the stress of caring for a complex child to break a marriage.
People tried to talk me out of my choice when I said I was going to be a choice mum. I won't insult you by doing the same. At the end of the day, our fertility is ours to use, or not use, as we choose. I'm proud of you for weighing your options independently of society's judgements and expectations, making the best choice for YOUR own happiness, then _talking about it_ to raise awareness for other women. ❤
@flowerfunful I had him at 36. Had to have a c-section due to a prior myomectomy.
It's WILD how my fibroid story runs parallel to Stephanie's too. I also found out in 2018. Couldn't get treatment (partially because a pandemic happened 🤷🏿♀️), so I went for a follow-up MRI in 2021... but that's where our paths diverge. I had the myomectomy in 2021.... 2 weeks after getting those MRI results...
Early this year, while Steph was again dealing with doctors due to fibroids, I was giving birth.
Happy with my decision, but MAN it is not a decision to make lightly.
@@SunshineJoleen Wow...love your story! Congratulations!
Welcome to freedom! I honestly think if you choose to continue dating you’ll see a difference in your approach now that you’ve made peace with being childless. I feel like so much pressure both internally and externally is placed on women past the age of 30 who don’t have kids yet that it starts to literally cloud our minds sometimes. I’m 33 and last year I came to full terms with the fact I won’t be having kids unless I’m married and it’s been so freeing. I also have realized that neither thing may happen for me and that’s ok too. It’s literally all out of my control. Of course I could force myself into making it work with someone but no relationship friendship, family etc that I’ve had to force has ever ended up being happy and fulfilling so I refuse to do that with a life partner.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm working on getting to the point where I can surrender. But some days are easier than others as I watch my age go up but no prospects.
I was so excited for you when you announced you were pursuing single motherhood! I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm proud that you've made peace with it and are looking forward to a different path. I didn't find out I had fibroids until I was already pregnant. It was devastating. A grapefruit and an apple were crowding out my little Blueberry Baby. I felt so gross and sick and sad because my husband was finally open to the idea of children and here I was at risk of miscarriage or ultimately infertility because of these weird growths in my body. I didn't announce my pregnancy until after the first trimester when I stopped waking up anxious about losing Blueberry. And then at 33 weeks, I got more bad news: one of the fibroids was not only obstructing my cervix, but it wasn't allowing Blueberry to move out of breech position. It would be impossible for me to have a natural birth, I'd have to have a c-section. Luckily, everybody came out of the hospital healthy. Our boys share the same name! 😅
Whatever you’re doing Steph, it must be working for you. You’re exuding peace and you deserve it.