I think the thing that bothers me the most about men's commentary on women who have not been successful with romance is their insistence that you're getting what you deserved because you friendzoned 5,000 guys. That's just not the case for all of us. No one was interested in me in high school. I didn't go on a single date in college. When I graduated from college I spent my twenties yearning for romance and to start a family. It didn't happen for me . I got married at 50. I don't regret it, but just because so many men are apparently willing to have sex with any warm body doesn't mean that they are willing to create a relationship with any warm body. And most of all, it doesn't mean that every woman has an army of men just waiting to approach her for sex, romance or marriage.
@@mateaukalua4426 true. Or unattractive, perhaps. It's a stark difference in how women are treated in this situation. When a woman struggles to make a romantic connection, it's her fault. When men struggle to find a romantic connection, it's women's fault.
When life hasn’t occurred in alignment with your desires, it is called life. The whole “manifest” movement leads people to believe that they deserve/are entitled to something JUST b/c they want it. This often leads to depression and discontentment when you inevitably realize that you don’t really control anything, not even the air you breathe. It’s LIFE not a romcom. Accept that you may not get some of the things you want, and get on with living and adding something valuable to humanity.
THIS ⬆️ Everyone needs to print that comment out… put it up on the wall.. read it everyday… and get off social media. These conversations are getting scary. It’s like arguing with children that still believe in Santa Clause.
@@flight2533 you have a point i think seeing others who actually get to experience Santa hurts the most and can make us still hope in him from a human point of view
Wow this is so real, I never realised how manifestation sets us up for disappointment. It gives this false impression of control. Could you please elaborate more on this? This is something I needed to hear.
You Must have entitlement mindset in order to realise anything in life. Many people don’t get what they want because they simply think all they have to do is sit down and imagine what they want. This is the reality here; You are gonna imagine what you want, but be prepared to be beat down countless times! Still you don’t throw away your wish or dreams, you keep going and fine tuning your actions. For example, many of you here are out of shape, personality is off, depth is lacking but still sit down expecting that perfect relationship. What are you doing each day to improve your over all self. Are you in Alignment with your purpose? What is your standard? Your habits and your character like? If you have not gotten what you desire do not ever give up, keep Your expectations but strive to make an impact using your purpose to serve yourself and the world around you. You will Know when you are vibrating on that level because you will feel full of love within and outside of yourself. That alone begins to attract people to you, you don’t need to chase love, love only attracts more love. Do you love your life?
Dating is hard in general IF you’re looking for a mate not a hookup. Hookups are easy to find but a meaningful relationship is hard to find. Those relationships take time and the investment is a lot of time and effort.
Yes. It is difficult for everyone. Just from the few minutes i heard of Steph talking about the woman, the thing is that the lady would need to get whatever specific, direct man out of head and really pay attention to "traits." So maybe you'd get a white man but maybe he would NOT be American white. Or maybe he wouldn't even be from the same hemisphere white. Maybe he isn't even white at all. Look at the traits of the person you want. But over all its very, very difficult to get with someone serious just as you said.
“When something is hard, but it’s not hard for everybody” - BAM, right out of the gate, this is a terrific discussion! Subscribed! Also, I love that your Comments section has rules and guidelines. This is my first time seeing that.
When she said, “I literally have cried myself to sleep asking god to take the desire away.” Oh that hit me hard. Thank you for helping me to validate my own experience with my own desires.
Yeah, I'm a disabled guy so I can't see even women that are disabled too ever liking me so I've pretty much just accepted that I'll never have the kind of romance I yearn for in this life. I alternate between praying to Christ to transform me into what I need to be in order to leave this world and finally go home or tell me what He wants me to do before I'm allowed to leave and praying to Him to transmute me into someone that a woman could actually love lol I dono maybe I'm just too selfish and I should be focusing on trying to help other people though and praying to be given the ability to do so, It's just it feels like a need to have someone to love romantically, but maybe it's just an illusion I have no idea at this point
I think the reason why people often refuse to believe that the person who’s struggling isn’t doing anything necessarily wrong is because people have seen the worst of worst get coupled up so it HAS TO BE something you’re doing wrong
right?! I think people forget that there are plenty of people in horribly awful relationships, and some of us DON'T WANT THAT. Like no, I'd rather be single than be with someone awful, and finding someone great is hard.
At 57, I've come to embrace the unique path my life has taken. The realization that marriage and family wouldn't be part of my story was a difficult one. I found peace in creating boundaries, even if it meant spending less time with family. My life is full, rich, and mine alone. Everyone's path is different. I've embraced my life and it would take someone truly exceptional for me to disturb my peace.
You make really good points! People who complain about dating are always invalidated. I hate the phrase “choose better” or “love will come to you when you least expect it” it’s just gaslighting
@@rogers5622well that and the fact that there really is no such thing as “happily ever after”… lack of fulfillment comes in as many different forms as there are souls in this world❤
@@lydiathompson8618I think maybe it just feels like gaslighting? It can be a form of false hope, like denial… it is so hard to accept that our path is not what we thought it would be. Similar to hearing “so sorry for your loss” or similar verbiage after a loss.❤
@@rogers5622 there is and always will be an abundance of everything to go around. You might have to try harder to find it but there's not a limited supply of Happily Ever Afters.
Dating is definitely hard for women today and people who say it’s not are delusional.They say date less attractive men but they can be jerks too.I’m not trying to offend anyone but oftentimes the women who always have a man have low to no standards.If you have standards dating will be harder for you.
It’s true I notice that some people in relationships especially long term relationships there’s that one partner that is not getting their needs met and is settling or compromising for the other person in order to keep the relationship intact
Girl…did you say your Dad says all you have to do is put on some capri pants, get a bob hairstyle, take your Bible and go sit down and you will find a man?!?! I laughed out loud for real, but I think you really are serious. I would love to hear more about this.
My dad told me to prepare to be lonely for what will feel like a long time before I find the man who treats me right because I was so beautiful but so much of a good woman that many good men were gonna be too intimidated or too non-committal to approach me but to hold out for the right man Not exactly the most motivating or reassuring thing to hear as a depressed teenage college student but he was right since I was very lonely and got married to my Prince Charming in my late twenties despite wanting to date intentionally while being commitment/marriage minded for a whole decade before that. My dad was king of managing my expectations lol. Probably because he managed his own he even said at one point “I don’t expect boys/men your age to be as mature as they were bac when I was your age, they’re so different now” he didn’t even say it in a harsh/judgmental way it was very matter-of-fact
I got engaged this year, at 39(will be 40 in a few months). Live your life and it will happen when its your time. I LIVED A FABULOUS TIME WHILE SINGLE THEN MY TIME CAME😂.
This perspective is really comforting for me actually. After doing so much work on myself I still haven't seen positive changes in my love life. It's so exhausting when people tell you to keep working on yourself or that you're not seeing the results you want because of some supposed internal problem you have. There's only so much work I can do. Sometimes things just don't happen the way we want, and that's not our fault
Exactly, I have had the same issue except in the area of career/finance. So I understand exactly. There is nothing out there that I have not tried. So it is super frustrating for people to dismiss all the work you’ve been doing for years, telling you that you’re just not trying hard enough. Suggesting things that you’ve already tried multiple times, as if you’ve never thought of that before. It’s presumptuous and dismissive. I totally get it.
Then I see drug addicts, covicts, alcoholics etc in long term relationships and or marriages and the man accepts them! But they tell a decent person to keep working on themselves
This is so True. I had someone tell me take time out after sharing that someone I just started talking I found out was married. Instead of saying words of encouragement since I walked away from that situation. I feel like they shamed me. Even compared me to another friend who she doesn't even know if is dating or want to date. Mind you she has been in a long term situation now marriage. I'm now picking who I share my single journey with.
@LumkaJwara Just know that this Internet stranger is very sorry for what happened to you, but proud you found the strength to walk away. Being single and wanting a relationship is hard, especially when everyone around you is either married or in a long-term relationship. I get flack for going on dates from my perpetually single friends, and I also get flack from the coupled folks if I don't go on dates. Sometimes, you can never win.
My former friends with children and husbands are literally “not that great”… they don’t do the self work and still got the outcome.. when I realized that, I was like no, society is not going to force me to spend eternity believing I don’t love myself.. there will always be another book, another podcast, another journal, another trainer waiting to take our money because there will always be “more self love” to earn.. we’ve gotta stop
I held onto this one for a bit. As someone who is trying to be in her unproblematic era lol, there are subjects I like staying away from if I can. But I felt passionately about this one, so here we go. Thanks for watching :)
I have a lot of takes on this subject and most falls in line with your commentary, but I just want to give you your flowers 💐 thank you for being a voice of reassurance that I’m not crazy, thank you for being a advocate, and thank you for being a mentor .. I know so taboo to admit a parasocial relationship but hearing your stories really do feel like a conversation with a big sister / cousin
So much love and respect for you and your vulnerability, Steph. Lots of people in the comment section are still not hearing you. It's totally a microcosm snapshot of how society works. I look up to you so much, and your analytical, introspection is oxygen for my mind and soul ❤
Not about relationships, about the job market. But same general vibe. Whenever I complain online about the job market being hard, without fail, someone will always comment that I must be too stupid to get a job in the field I studied for and I should have studied something else and it’s all my fault and I should hang my head in shame and lick my wounds and be grateful. I’m not talking about the people who give advice I’ve already tried. It’s annoying, but they mean well. I’m talking about the people who leave hate-filled, vitriolic comments to someone just harmlessly posting about something that doesn’t affect them. People out here are wild. I don’t think it’s that they don’t know how to respond to suffering. I think they just like the cruelty.
Without a doubt they love the cruelty! I think some people can't wait to come across someone doing poorly so they can be harsh and mean with the excuse that it's the other person's fault and they're deserving. I've been through this with people a few times.
@@matxalenc8410 i totally second your comment. I hear people complaining about worsening mental health and suicide, just for another group to say that people need to be bullied more (for how fat they are or how unattractive they seem), or that people deserve the bad or sad things that happen to them etc. People can't resist being outrightly cruel anymore and this makes me feel like humans don't just care but I also know that that's not true because there are kind and loving humans who do exist.
I hear you. I have a friend going through this with the job market and I have to be mindful and check myself before talking to her. I don’t want it to seem like im blaming her.
@@matxalenc8410 Anonymous social media attracts a**holes and trolls. There are people who post gratuitously rude comments just for the “fun” of seeing the responses . Scroll past the BS . You know the truth of your situation, and you don’t have time to waste arguing about it with ignorant shit disturbers.
I'm 32 and just got ghosted by a 49 year old man. I'm seriously done. I can't do it anymore. I thought he'd be mature and a lot more serious than others but no, he was worse. I cant actually believe it. I've deleted the apps and I'm done. I cant emotionally continue, it beyond embarrassing. I told people about him! Its getting humiliating now 😅
I completely understand. I’m 36 and my exboyfriend from two years ago was 8 years older and I’ve also tried 10 years older. I had to learn they can be immature as well. I extended my age range to younger because it really doesn’t matter at this point.
I can tell you as a woman of a certain age, I fully understand and agree with you. People want to believe that everything always works out for the best. That's not true. Sometimes you don't get what you want...and then you die. Try to enjoy life even when you're grieving that lack of your soul's desire.
Take heart. I do think God does work things for our good but he never said we wouldn’t have suffering. A hard life doesn’t mean it was an unsuccessful life 💜 think of all the strength and character that comes from out struggles 💜
@@Tim_G_Bennett You think that because you don't know who's in power. Life is never shitty, it only appears as shitty when you have been manipulated to lower your standards and conform to a norm made for "people like you".
I think there also needs to be WAAAAAAAY less shame in finding outlets for it. Read. Write. Paint. Watch beautiful romance movies that make you cry and giggle and cry again. Allow yourself to be apart of it. And remind yourself you ARE feeling the beauty of love in these moments. They're real and they matter. But somehow, it all came from you, not somebody else we desperately try to stamp those feelings and that image on. :)
It's a combination of readiness and luck. Some aspects are within a person's control, and some are not. There are definitely things people can do to increase their odds- still, timing is a thing of its own
Truly! I think that is what makes it so upsetting when it comes to finding love, some people do very little and get a lot and others do the most and don't end up with anything! Realising yeah beyond doing what I can (going out, profiles, matchmaker, etc...), the rest being timing and luck is truly out of my control so might as well be peaceful
I’ve prayed and “manifested” about meeting my person since I was a teen. I’m 31 now and have never had a real relationship and I just don’t think I’m going to. I’m so glad you touched on this! No one wants to say it out loud.
Besides prayer though, what actions have you taken to meet the right person? Also, if you don't think it's going to happen, then it's not going to happen because you've given up on the idea.
@@skinnyguy7773 If she wants to meet someone so badly, I hardly doubt she is sitting at home waiting for it to happens out of nowhere. It's a little bit unfair to her to think she's that stupid.
@@tobe-you-tube6612Not an assumption made. The first comment said “prayed and manifested”. These words are not actions and only thoughts. If the first comment had given examples of approaching others and interacting with them, that would be another thing.
This topic is so incredibly sensitive and painful to me. I've tried - God knows I've tried. I haven't been perfect, but I've tried. I'm genuinely sad and scared of what lies ahead.
Dating is absolutely horrendous and seems to only be getting worse. I never had super horrible experiences but it was never fun for me. I pretty much gave up on it when I met my husband at age 34 in another country. We got married a few days before my 37th birthday, and just had my first baby still age 37. My 38th birthday is next week!
You will be at peace once you learn that you can't control the way of life. You can't force relationships and once you come to terms that some people aren't going to get their fairytale ending, you will learn to let go.
I’ve definitely gotten to the place where I truly believe “if not this life then the next”. I was such a late bloomer and have a lot of past trauma and issues that really hurt dating for me. I’ve grieved, still do because the disappointment is strong, but I’ve accepted this. I’m still living, I still have a lot going for me, but the acceptance of possibly never finding a deep true love does set you free in a strange way. Sending a lot of love to everyone experiencing this 💕
This! Also it’s literally just a fact that not everyone finds a life partner before they die. It’s very telling how uncomfortable people like that get when I simply bring up my reality as a chronically single woman. I think the idea that single people have worth and value in their own right is so threatening to most people they’d do anything not to think about it. But of course if I’m insecure at all about being in “undateable” category, everything that’s ever happened to me is deserved and my own fault. 100% gaslighting and honestly a bit dehumanizing to know others view me like this
I have been losing weight, but like I said my trauma is deep and it impacts my relationships, esp romantic ones. I can be cute and thin but still f*cked up mentally and run good people away. I’m working on it but it’s less about my appearance atp
That’s what I’m working towards now. Leaning into the love I do have. Nurturing those relationships. Doing the things I love. Growing for my own sake not as a way to “catch a husband”.
For me, it’s hard when someone your age or older (men and women) are like “girl, give it up. You’re how old? Ha! If it hasn’t happened it ain’t happening. You’re expired.” I see this a lot and it’s worse than supposed false hope. It makes me feel stupid I’m out here longing for something that I should just give up on. But I related hard to this video.
@@mateaukalua4426 so much societal pressure to stay in abusive relationships or to meet people when sometimes it doesn’t happen. It hasn’t happened for me for years and i have tried. Its engrained in us genetically too as a species. I get judged too for being single and no family when i want one. One consolation is i haven’t created a being that will hurt others or animals.
I think the worst part about trying to find love is that so much of it is down to luck… I met my partner at 21 and we’ve been together for ages now but… I don’t think I did anything special… just happened to meet someone with similar values and goals and we also were really into each other. So much of life is luck and I don’t think we like talking about that much.
From what I've gathered, most of the men are looking for someone to use; and most of the women are looking for love. I realized that a lot of ppl who found "love" rushed into a relationship/marriage and are either currently miserable or divorced.
My 2 cents based on my life experience- Men looking for someone to use are the loudest contingent, especially online, but a lot of men really just want to be loved as they are and to love a woman back ❤
To me it's a no brainer. Have you seen those graphs showing how women are becoming more and more progressive and men less and less? The gap is huge now. So if you're a straight woman it's hard to date cause men are not on the same page a us, and dont usually do as much psychological work, don't want exclusive relationships as often as we do. And when men know about issues other than theirs, like feminism, some of them use them to manipulate us. Plus men usually only go for conventionally attractive women, so that reduces the matching chances too. Plus if you're demisexual it's also really hard to find men who are patient enough and don't make you feel pressured (intensionally or not).
Men today say Afghanistan is right about women good luck to yall,i dont blame the men for becoming more right wing no one cares about their issues either.
Most of the people invalidating her story are are in terrible relationships. They're with their man because they can have a man. Doesn't matter what the man is like.
@@nanomiaNo, I'm not invalidating anyone's relationship. I'm in a good relationship. I can recognize that I am lucky to be in a good relationship without invalidating somebody that is having a hard time dating. Because in reality dating is hard. Being in a good relationship we're both parties actually respect and are kind to each other is oddly rare.
as a 24 year old I find myself somewhat like how you were in your mid twenties basically feeling frantic, lost, and like an outlier. I have asked myself so many times what is wrong with me. I have lost weight, gained weight, changed how I do my makeup, change what I wear and still I am single - I've been ghosted/played and it makes me feel like no matter what I am not good enough. I still have a tiny bit of hope I will find my husband but for now I am waving the white flag. and it does not help when non black people who are in relationships are like just try hinge like honey my experience on hinge is going to be so different than yours. I see how many likes I get with my natural hair being my main photos vs weaves and wigs. it just feels like a game I cannot win and I am not voluntarily allowing myself to be beaten up by the apps. I do not get approached at the store, on the train, in a restaurant (yes I take myself out to eat alone), or the rare occasions I go out for drinks with friends. no matter what I feel invisible.
Sis, you literally took the words right outta my brain. This has been my exact experience. Recently I concluded that my dating experience would be more successful if I stayed away from conventionally attractive men. Well, I didn't realize that that's total bull because the men who are not conventionally attractive are not really checking for me like that. Everyone seems to be pursuing the same people, and they all "happen" to look like IG models. I gave up on dating a couple days ago but unfortunately, the desire to be loved is still strong as ever.
@@whosthatgirlitstiff1861 exactly, even the non conventionally attractive me do the same things the conventionally attractive ones do. I still desire to be loved and cared for genuinely by a man. I know I’m not an IG model and will never be unless I pop up with 10k for surgery but even then, is that worth it? Women who I find drop dead gorgeous still have had the same experiences as me, some of them did finally find success with dating. I think at one point i was consumed by the thought of being desirable through surgery but I realized I was only brainwashed and there was nor is nor ever will be anything inherently wrong with me even if my experiences sometimes make me think so.
I know it’s something you probably always hear…but you are so young. Still learning and growing and figuring out what you want and what’s best for you. It’s not unusual to be 24 and dating unsuccessfully.
Spend your twenties becoming the most interesting person you’ve ever met. Learn how to do various things ie, DIYs, sew, knit, dance, paint, cook, floral arrangements, etc. Please do not waste your energy looking for or hoping for a man to find you. Live your life and have it in your mind that anyone that meets you will be lucky to have a minute of your time.
Your dad sounds like my mom. She just can't comprehend how I enjoy myself a lot and thinks dating is easy when she's only dated one dude and then my dad.
It’s the validating my own story for me!!! People, family included, always wanna make me feel like I somehow overlooked my husband and or it’s just my fault somehow. While I know darn well I would NEVERRRRRR have passed on a good man 💨
But to be fair often times this is shown to be true because the people that tend to get over looked might not be the one that you sexually desire, they might not dress the best etc.....
I literally just love you Steph , you have no idea how much you’ve been a friend to me and validated my experiences more than anyone I’ve met in real life, you’re a true gem.
Every woman I know, and they are all sweet, loving, attractive women, have tried for years to settle down with men. The story has always been the same: the man is "not ready" bla bla bla. So to the men saying why dont women prioritize having kids and marriage in their 20s... with who do you mean exactly? Just have sex with some rando to have a kid and be a single mom? Have a relationship with the wall? Take a good look at yourselves and check why y'all are so scared of committing to 1 woman.
I honestly think getting married is just good timing and the right circumstances so in other words luck and chance. I am married with a baby in the way and the dating scene was horrific before I got married. My husband just so happened to be a childhood friend who we circled back and found each other again. Had we tried to be serious in our early 20s we both agree it would’ve NEVER worked. My cousin got married after never going out and living in the middle of nowhere where to a man who just so happened to be working on her house lol so in a way he just fell into her lap. Good timing and chance. I really don’t think there’s any rhyme or reason to any of this. 😅
but that's not luck, that's opportunity. A person from your childhood who you already had a prior relationship with ended up being the man you married. Your cousin's story is also what sometimes happens to people who come across a partner at the shops, library, the park, a wedding etc. There's always someone out there for someone else if people's hearts are open to it and if they make an effort.
Truth. I think a lot of people are just happy with, or ok with, being lonely for quite a while. Until they're not. In modern times you have literally thousands of distractions available. And let's be real: porn for every taste or kink imaginable. No, it's not real intimacy...but most are busy trying to learn to love themselves anyway.
IMHO, much of the Spiritual talk and teachings that’s been seen over the last several years is basically SPIRITUAL GASLIGHTING! It’s all about what you haven’t done to create the life you wanted - you haven’t prayed, meditated, lit the right candles, bought this course, gave this amount of money, etc…even though you know you’ve done everything in your power…anyway, I’m so glad you noticed and spoke on this 🙏🏽
Much agreed!!!! I would even call it spiritual bypassing- ascribing woowoo causes behind very really, human problems and covering it up with the veneer of "if this doesn't work for you, it's because you didn't try hard enough." As a spiritual person myself, there's a HUGE difference between instructing and shaming/blaming.
modern dating is so hard for me, i get stuck in situationship and after situationship despite my directness with new potential partners. atp i have no idea how to get into/be in a committed relationship but im still trying to hold out hope
There are many details about your situation that I don't know, but my experience was that I avoided any attempt at situationships with strong filters and rock-solid boundaries that I didn't waver on. What I saw is that that type of nonsense proliferates in ambiguity- so I put everything out there in the light and when I sensed any hesitation from anyone to do the same, I cut them loose. I also never did or said anything I wasn't 100% comfortable with, which kept me from feeling used or burned out. Keeping things on terms that I was happy with, and walking away at any kind of shift, kept me sane during my dating years. Good luck ❤
You have to be not only direct, but follow through. No sex without a clear trusting relationship. What helped me was when I learned about the five stages of intimacy. Don’t have sex if you haven’t both reached the level of intimacy where you have bonded on a deep level. Most men will not hang around, but that’s fine because you do not want the ones who won’t grow in real intimacy with you.
Yep I hate it when people say but you agreed, I have had one situationship and guess what I only accepted after years of only being offered that from almost every guy. Only been asked to be a girlfriend one time.
@@woobuglauryn that’s what i try to do but i’ve been taken advantage of multiple times against my consent by guys that i’ve been seeing. sometimes i just don’t know what to do about it
In your interaction with that child, the difference is that the mother (by the sounds of it, a single parent) was exhausted and overwhelmed from always having to meet this child's needs all by herself. That baby fought sleep with you, despite being held, despite soothing ocean noises... and you were patient because it wasn't your 294th consecutive night of sleep deprivation due to a child who needs to sleep yet refuses to sleep. I will also say, as a mother, the WORST sound in the world is your baby crying. I hear it if he's in a different room. I hear it if I'm in the shower. If he grunts in his sleep, it wakes me up. When he cries, it sends my anxiety through the roof. I can't hear anything else or think about anything else. Sometimes, though, your baby will cry because they are tired, bored, or overstimulated. Not good reasons to ratchet up your anxiety, but they can't help that. It can really mess with your mental health, especially if you're the only one who ever attends to that child when they cry. Your friend likely met a man and discovered that when you have a partner who will do what you did (take over parenting duties and put that child to sleep) being a mother doesn't suck so much after all.
YES. I related so much to her friend in that story. Especially when you finally get a chance to spend some time with a friend and your baby will not just calm down and go to sleep so you can have some adult conversation. My youngest is 9 now and I have NO desire to go back to having a baby!
So appreciate this video. I’m child free not by choice but by circumstance, and it hurts. But… it hasn’t ruined my life. It just looks different than I’d hoped. It’s a hard road though. Compassion and love to everyone in this tough situation.
People hate the idea of luck. They hate that we get lucky or unlucky in all kind of ways. We get lucky when it comes to who our parents are, what are body/face attraction is, what friends we had or didn't had, all the things that get the snowball of life rolling. And then all the luck after that as well. We can hold both of these things as true, some people get lucky, some people make their luck, some people try to make their luck and get unlucky and fail...and on and on
I think a super painful reality that most people don’t wanna acknowledge is lot everybody will fivd a life partner. Some people will never get married or have kids in a CNA and I’ve seen countless people die alone. Once you acknowledge that and come to terms with that and understand it’s ok, I think is as society places too much importance on romantic relationships , once you come to terms with this reality things become much easier
I also think we don't want to fully acknowledge that some couples you see are a product of one or both partners settling. None of us want a relationship like that, but that's a very real possibility for many of us.
@@KiaraWright-fn9kc to be fair I’ve actually never actually had one of my patients pass away. My unit luckily mainly has people who get better and discharge. I don’t work in a nursing home.
Thanks for this video. 54 year old here still single and childless. I have been through it all and yes I have heard all of the comments that you mentioned. Trust me it gets harder when you realize all of your friends have gotten married. Although I will say now in my 50's many of those people are now getting divorced so they circle back around. Modern dating is a crap shoot.
It's kind of funny that some people circle the block in middle age after divorce...I'm a couple of years to 40. It will be interesting if this is my experience in a decade or so
I think you can sometimes confuse 'gets more attention' with 'less difficult'. There are definitely men and women who get more attention, dating wise. Absolutely. But I have seen no correlation between 'gets a lot of attention' and 'has a healthy relationship'. I have friends who are professional models. They are by far the most insecure about their looks out of any women I know. Also, for plenty of women, lots of male attention can make one feel hunted and objectified. I used to get a lot of attention. I got older, and get way less attention now. I enjoy myself much more now. Because there's less creeps interrupting my day, there's no eyes watching me on the train, I just get to be.....me easier. And while I could get dates easily when I was young, I could not find respect, so I stopped dating. It was interrupting my peace, I kept finding people who only wanted my looks and had utter disdain for who I was as a person. That is not pleasant, trust me. I in no way wish to invalidate your struggle, or claim some people don't get asked out more than others. But I don't want 'how much one gets asked out/officially dating/wifed up' to be used as a yardstick for how difficult or painful this is for people.
Excellent post. When I was younger I got a lot of disrespectful male attention; I hated it and eventually bailed out of dating never to return. I'm also late diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, which also plays a big part.
@@rejectionisprotection4448 This is my experience too. I'm autistic and although I try very hard to mimick "normal" behavior, I feel like everyone can tell something is off and find it very difficult to make friends. The only people who ever wanted to be around me were men who were attracted to me, which made me feel so worthless, like I was only good to look at but no good as a person. I've only once experienced a man approaching me genuinely trying to get to know me as a person and the difference was night and day between him and everyone else. If most people tried to get to know others genuinely like that, I think everyone would feel so much better about themselves and there would be a lot more genuine friendships and romantic relationships.
We as women need to stop this obsession that a man is going to fill up our lives. It's natural I know... Ive been there and am there! But these women we see where "everything works out" - I've felt that, and then many times 5/10 years later they are divorced and the whole thing was toxic. Marriage or a man doesn't = perfect life. Another woman had it all, amazing husband 3 kids and then her youngest kid died at age 4 and she lives in pain and devastation. These things dont make a single woman's situation better but honestly it opens one's eyes to the realities of life and this idea that once we meet "our person" our lives have purpose and happiness.
I don’t understand when men on podcasts say, “women should prioritize marriage and family” when basic bills still need to be paid waaaaaayyyyy before that even happens. When you turn 18 most people get a job and/or go to college and aren’t thinking about starting a family. A lot of the men that give that advice still pump and dump women so they too aren’t looking for a “traditional” woman until they are ready to settle down waaaaaayyyy in the future.
So be with your boyfriend why cant girls keep a long term relationship just be a good gf as for marriage yeah thats a dream what dude would get married today.
I have a hard time supporting the belief that no everyone qualifies for a relationship. I’ve seen married couples drugged up together, I’ve seen couples where one person is mentally ill, alcoholic, disabled, abusive etc. Plenty of “broken” people out here who have found the one and are married. Working on yourself if for YOU. It has nothing to do with whether or not a potential partner will want to settle for you. Working on yourself is so that YOU feel good within your own mind, body and soul. Your potential partners are their own people who will decide for themselves why you’re the one ☝️ not because you look good on paper. I think the notion of constantly needing to work on yourself in order to find the one is extremely toxic because we will be working on ourselves till the day we pass. We will never be perfect in the eyes of other people. Working on ourselves is for us not others.
I’m a man, and I’m married (1st marriage, 2 years now). I’m in my late 40’s and while I found my soul mate, I do think modern dating can be difficult. I never necessarily had a difficult time dating, but I would never invalidate anyone else’s experience. It is hard. People are much busier, dating is done more online, and it can be a minefield sorting through those whom are genuine from the catfishers and liars. Also, it’s not wrong to hold out for your “dream person”. It’s perfectly fine to hold onto your personal standards. My wife and I both did. We didn’t meet until our early 40’s. We were fortunate to meet our perfect partner. People shouldn’t settle out of fear of being alone.
Personally, I've never had a problem with dating like getting a guy, but i had a problem with dating the right men. I used to attract emotionally unavailable men, insecure men who would project and controlling men. I kind of lost my confidence after a while, especially when those men found "happiness" in other women (they all got karma). The moment I accepted myself like MY beauty and my quirks, set strong boundaries, and got myself together from within, i met a great person. I just stopped giving a damn about other people's opinions and approvals and stopped trying to mold and shape myself of what i thought was expected of me. The love, happiness, and validation i was searching for in a man, i found it in myself. It seems cheesey, but it's true.
Same. I get at least one or two men interested in me when I go out but most if these dudes aren't it even if they are attractive and have things going for them! I would find out how they don't know themselves very well or they have emotional issues they don't want to work on.
I don't think this message is helpful because a lot of us already feel that way and still don't meet these 'great' men. At the end of the day it's just luck, i've met really insecure people who also secured great partners. This kind of narrative just fuels that the problem is us
@@Q-rj1qothat's the thing my message wasn't truly intended to help anyone by providing advice since one size doesn't fit all, but more to share what I've learned and the level I reached in my life. In my case it definitely wasn't luck.
@@Q-rj1qo I have been single for a year now and I find this to be good advice because no one can control 100% of their life so might as well make the best of it. We don't know what will happen so live life while you can!
Yup that's me! I always hated the story of the woman that just got out of a shitty relationship and all of a sudden she meets "Mr.Right" like 3 months later when she wasn't looking for a relationship....Like I've been single just waiting. When is this going to fianlly happen for me??
Literally my friend’s story of how she met her husband 😅 meanwhile I haven’t met anyone I would consider relationship with for 7 years and now I stopped wanting it or caring anymore because it’s been too exhausting
At some point in my life I felt same but it was more than just relationships, my whole life in my 20s felt like I'm dead and forced to watch everybody live their lives, getting their degrees, jobs, marrying, having kids while I couldn't get anything. Although I'm not much of believer I felt so bad I wished for god or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do with my life, what's here for me, to show guidance. Then suddenly I get at least 2 serious men wanting to marry me, I picked closest and we got married and have children.
I've known so many people that met their SOs by just random when they weren't looking. Meanwhile, I'm working on myself being the best person I can be and nothing.
“Be careful who you share your story with” - YAASSS! Both personally & professionally, sometimes snakes be cuddling under you like teddy bears and you don’t know they’re snakes until they bit you👺
Not only that. Men will date you if they don’t like you or find you attractive and then cheat on you or be annoyed or like you are doing them a favor. Be single that ish is t worth it
Then come with the “you’re just normal his dream girl” bullshit. Like don’t date me and treat me terribly because I’m not the imaginary dream girl you can’t find
The best thing I've done is come to terms with the fact that it's not my time and surrender control. Some aspects are outside of your control---including but not limited to societal prejudice (especially if you're Black and gay like me ✊🏿🏳🌈), desirability politics, and the fact that you can't force someone to enter into a relationship with you. I've tried online dating and trying to meet people in real life. Each time, I've met with social inhibition in the forms of rejection and even overt bigotry. Instead of catastrophizing about my inability to find a romantic partner, I release and let go of control over all aspects of my life. I refuse to give myself deadlines to accomplish and simply live my life the best way possible. Furthermore, another point I want to add is I wish people were honest about the difficult reality of romantic relationships. Romantic relationships aren't what they quacked up to be. Whether you're in a casual relationship or married, being in a relationship with another human being is hard. Some people aren't meant to be in a romantic relationship and that's completely fine. It's fine to be single and it's fine to be in a romantic relationship. Blessings to y'all ❤
A lot of guys who comment on anyone's else's life (let alone the opposite sex/gender, which a lot of these guys just assume a lot about) are doing the same thing that people who believe manifestation is a real thing do. They refuse to believe that there is such a thing as chance, chemistry or things that are just generally out of our control. To be fair, it is not just dudes who do this but the men in particular who do it are toxic not only to the women they attack but the men they encourage to be toxic. A lot of them are 'red pilled' or incel-lite. Generally when it comes to advice, (ironically) the more general and repeated it is the more apathetic the person is in giving that advice. They don't actually know why or how their advice applies, they don't care enough to actually figure out with you how to implement that advice or what it actually means for your specific situation and they probably don't even know what is actually fuelling their own success (dating or otherwise). The only advice that can be generally given out without knowledge of a specific person's struggle is that the problem is never ever discreet. Meaning - your problems with dating will never be resolved by 'fixing' one specific thing. Something about how you and your environment are interacting is stopping you from being yourself; it is neither your 'fault' nor the place you are in but the relationship between those two areas that needs to be addressed. How? It's different and complex for every person because every person is different and complex. The first step is figuring out what you need - preferably with help from people who understand you and want the best for you.
I really don't understand why younger people put all their humiliation on the Internet. I'm not even going to talk about the BS that is manifesting. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
Your standards and maintaining respect and compassion for yourself will always be more important than some man. Don't settle, because the only difference between being lonely alone and being lonely in a relationship is that there's a warm body next to you who hurts your feelings and disrespects you.
Experience has taught me that it's not always "the next man I meet will be my husband", but rather, the next person I meet will be the connection through which I'll meet my husband. Here's the deal: Sometimes the person you meet may not be THE ONE (for marriage), but meeting them could possibly be the perfect solution for another area in your life (real estate agent, ɓid wist partner, a fun "plus one" for your next holiday party at work. And sometimes, that person you've met online, could be 6 degrees separated from your husband/wife to be
There's been times where I felt sad about not having success in relationships. But when I observe the relationships of the people around me, I'm reminded why I'm single. I'm finding it rare that couples have a healthy relationship. All I see is baby mama/ baby dad drama, cheating, abuse (financial and physical), and people being together for the esthetic/ validation of others.
This soft makeup and peace shirt on you is 🧑🍳 💋 I’m sad you’re not making more video like these, bc I love them. P.s. I’ve remove myself from the dating market, but I sure do enjoy content about it. lol.
Someone who has really shifted my perspective is Law Roach when he spoke about his belief that romance is not meant for him. Now I am agonized by my lack of romantic love, but when I look at what I TRULY prioritize is my path and dreams, because the truth is it is easy to settle for just anyone. And I refuse to do that. Yes I may have high standards but I refuse to live a life that I am unsatisfied with. That is my cross to bare but I have struggled with major depression for a long time and now that I do feel I am in a better place I won’t put myself into despair with making choices based on what I’m “supposed” to.
Steph, I’ve been there. Wanting it too much all the way to my detriment, being too desperate for it. Your heart seems broken. I’m so sorry. I’ve just stopped wanting it at this point and it’s been so much easier.
I saw it said somewhere that women control sex, but men control relationships. When women are lamenting the state of the dating world these days, it’s generally not because they can’t find someone for some time in bed. Finding love and a committed relationship is a different matter.
@@WaterNai seems like many women can't accept the men that actually want them. They could find a partner, he just won't have the superficial aspects they desire.
@@ahmorgan I think it is a mistake to say that women only want certain “superficial aspects” in the same way that it is a mistake to say that men only want to date supermodels.
Finding love from someone they reciprocate the attraction towards and meet their standards. I dislike women simplify their dating problems to I just want someone to love me. When they forget the part, from someone I'm attracted to they're probably a decent amount of men who have a job, good personality and are willing to settle down but it's just from men they don't have attraction for. Thats usually the main issue.
And ATTRACTION is important for both men and women! The attraction shouldn’t be one-sided. Having a healthy sex life and intimate connection is also an important part of relationships. So, why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t feel that attracted to you?!
Love this discussion!!! As a WOC that has been struggling in the dating and have been invalidated so much, this video meant a lot ❤And agreed with the manifestation ideologies. Thank you for your voice and energy 💕🥰
What exactly are people supposed to do? I don't see where anyone is invalidating that woman's experience, nor Stephanie's. But people are naturally going to comment their only lived experiences with this issue, and what the ultimate remedy to that was. It can't be helped that what's being shared isn't the perfect solution to the hardships some people are having in dating. Like, what would you have people say? Because I'm pretty sure if people commented "Oh wow that's crazy, I can't relate but good luck!", you'd have a problem with that too, and call it insensitive. I really don't understand the thought process behind not understanding that you cannot control people's reaction to what you decide to share with them. ESPECIALLY after sharing something intimate on Al Gore's internet, which has NEVER been anyone's loving shoulder to cry on. This is something young people (mid thirties and under) really seem to struggle with, and it might have a lot to do with why so many have problems relating to people in dating.
You’re an amazing storyteller, as a 35 woman wanting a child I feel this deeply. The men really are going to need to step it up. Researchers are finally starting to raise flags of concern and it’s global!
It's always the man's fault. This was said even 40 years ago. Women have been perfect forever even Eve in the Bible. It was Adams fault for letting her disobey God. And yes I am being sarcastic.
I'm not sure about that. There are many more men than women in the world, especially under the age of 50. I think women have the problem of over abundance.
I think the issue is that we're not used to seeing what a life truly looks like when you're self partnered. We've been blasted with couples, relationships, marriage when we've never really gotten to know ourselves. If we're not truly content alone how do we expect to be that way with a partner? I'm 31 and in my previous long term throuple I've been out of 1.5 years ago, i forgot how lonely being single was. I was miserable but wasn't ready to be single. We're not conditioned to be what we are, fully formed people and amazing in our own right. We've been done a disservice and believing that being single is for a season is some of the biggest BS ever. If you're vetting men properly, you should be single for awhile lol
Dating is hard for me as a nineteen-year-old black woman. I believe for me, it stems from my insecurities and experiences with ex-partners. For now, building romantic relationships is something I've temporarily given up on.
The best thing you can do for yourself at this age is to get your hair done, dress beautifully, and have fun!!!! Lift up your head. You're young. This is the time of your life! I don't mean to put pressure on you to enjoy yourself - early adulthood is tough! But please don't despair. The happier you present, the happier you will feel, and the more men will be attracted to you. Good luck, young lady. I'm rooting and praying for you!
Paso girl I can promise you that at 19, there’s little to no men that you are missing out on. Live, travel, focus on your studies and getting established financially and professionally, and you can revisit in your mid 20s when the men have actually started to mature
Guys perspective here At 19....none of "us" are trying to "date". We,,,are trying to get our rocks off. Im not saying to join them, but to be aware of what to expect. if that floats your boat, then make sure and establish rules, and know when to nope the fuck outta there. But other than that, do not take things to seriously. Be safe. Explore yourself. This time of your life is more about self discovery than trying to find your forever partner. And also....find your "why"? "why do i want a relationship?" "Why do i crave intimacy?" "Why do i want what i want?" The sooner you make sense of that, the sooner you can look forward to building a long lasting relationship. Stay safe out there.
@@kiim0 I appreciate a guy adding his perspective here in an informative way. 19-year-old guys are fun and all, but they're looking for something very different from 19-year-old girls. Unless you live in a conservative / traditional culture (I lived in a small city in Western Canada and knew many 19-year-olds that were getting engaged and married), you can trust that every guy you meet is just looking to sleep with you. Meanwhile, you're looking for romance and genuine connection. Once you understand what men want, it liberates you. You can relax and not mind so much if nothing's happening. Of course do your best to be attractive so you can attract the right man when he sees you. But please enjoy yourself and don't worry. I personally wasn't sexually active in college and boy am I happy about that! I was part of a small African community at a U.S. college and everyone knew who had slept with whom. No one can say that about me, though. And boy am I glad about that! I only regret not looking nicer and not being happier. But I was broke, going through a cultural shock and was depressed.
1. It never ceases to amaze me the wonderful job you do with your platform!! We honestly need more content from creators that have an audience talking about the opposite side of things for those of us who live it, but have no audience so essentially we don't exist. 2. Thank you for mentioning balance!! Everybody isn't going to get everything! It's simply not possible. Some of us will HAVE to struggle and there should be room for those of us that aren't happy with what we're currently living through. A lot of times I piss people off irl because I'm doing all the recommended things and I still don't have what I'm supposed to. It leaves the other person with nothing to say because it requires actual work to help someone like me and unfortunately that's not what the average person wants to do. They just want to put a bandage on a gaping wound. 3. We need to REALLY start talking about the damage women cause to other women. I think that's one of the hardest things about this entire subject. Women are invalidating each other! It's bad enough that men do it, but I think we kind of expect it. An we come to each other for empathy and camaraderie and don't get. I believe it just hurts more and makes the situation way worse. 4. Disabled people still aren't even really in this conversation, but we're out here too and that's another painful struggle. We stay invisible no matter how hard we try. Just like being a bit older (or plus size ) and having difficulty navigating dating, people who live with health issues need to be seen and heard more. More than likely, it's gonna take someone who isn't disabled and has a decent size platform to speak up for us. It's one of the few ways we'll get validation because so many people forget we even exist. I'm NOT saying you specifically. I'm just bringing it up as a small way to advocate for myself and others like me.
Your path in life is just that, YOUR path. I want folks to find their own way to happiness, no matter what that looks like. I'm tired of the narrative that their is only one way to be happy and I'm glad you brought up the invalidating of people's experiences in trying to find love and not getting perfect results. I remember that scene from SATC, but for me it was that moment when she said, "I've been dating since I was 15! Where is he?" Reality vs. Real life. I say find your path, make changes as needed, don't worry about what you can't control.
This is a big part of the problem for sure. Yeah, people desire and will want companionship. But why does your life automatically have to be “lesser” without it? We deserve more options of what a good and content life can be.
Steph have you considered doing one-on-one coaching or creating a community for single women? You are one of the very few voices that understands this kind of experience.
You always provide interesting commentary. As someone in a similar situation, I noticed my dating life changed for the better when I focused on the controllables. If I go out the objective isn’t to meet a hot guy I have chemistry with. It’s to go out and have a good time and genuinely enjoy meeting and engaging with people. I’m not selecting engagement with others based on asking myself “could he be my husband”. I can’t control that, but I can control if I have a good time. It’s not always easy, I’m an introvert, but this shift I think is critical for most women.
Uff, this is everything I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing your story/perspective. I’ve spent so much of my life trying it all and I really felt and connected in that moment where you talked about how you told your friend to shush and how of course you’ve wanted it enough and you’ve done all the studying about the babies and arrrrghhh - there’s just so much you said that I resonated with. It’s been a process rewiring the go-to conditioning that it’s all you and replacing that with it’s out of your control and everyone has their own path. Thank you for starting this conversation. This video has truly come to me at the right time and provided so much relief. Really appreciate you and your vulnerability and honesty.
I had resigned myself to being single forever. I never had a father or a father figure. My mom never got married, and neither did my aunts (the women in my life). Nine years ago, at the age of 34, I met my husband through a dating site. At 38, we got married, and now we have two beautiful kids❤ don’t give up.
Fantastic video! Im glad you brought this up. Its very common especially when talking with other women. An issue that usually comes up for me is women thinking I dont desire dating because Im not conventionally attractive. They seem surprised when it comes up as if being ugly takes away the desire to date. It offends me still in my 40s. I love love and romance but dating never came easy. When I bring this up, Im met with theres someone for everyone and but you're such a good person, funny, sweet, blah blah. It sounds like filler responses after a while. Men and women are both superficial and will go for and stay for looks most of the time. Its difficult esp when a woman is unattractive and aging. From experience, the average person won't stick around thinking a dope personality will emerge from a ugly person.
I relate to your videos on this topic so much. I've been single for at least 6 years. Its a wrap pretty much because I had a kid and I'm turning 40 this year. I was on tinder for over a year and nothing. I hear that men approach women like 10 times more than women approach me on tinder so women are supposed to have it so much easier. I'm like how? I also heard a story of how a woman got fed every night for like a year because she just went on dates and the guys paid. Not one date for me just offers for one night stands. No date. The crazy thing is that most of the people on my 600lb life are married or in a serious long term relationship. These people can't even wash themselves without assistance!
@@jessicahitchens6926 no looks is always first am not beautiful I have struggled with rejection since I was a teenager I just want to exist without beauty being used a metric to judge my human worth
STEPH. You are so damn intelligent and I Thank GOD for ur channel. U r absolutely right abt the importance of other ppl saying “me too” bc sometimes the burden no longer feels so heavy when ur not carrying it ALONE. Thank u for always speaking truth to power. This video made me think even more abt some of the things I’ve been DYING to say, but have suppressed bc of the reality that when ppl don’t understand, they gaslight, dismiss, minimize, etc. THANK U, STEPH. For real.
THIS!!!! I am a “conventionally attractive” woman and dating and finding “the one” is not an easy task. You may meet the right one at the wrong time or just not at all for a while. Men often think my looks is all is needed to find good partnership 🙄. This society lacks compassion for others and are uncomfortable with ppl being REAL about their experiences especially if it isn’t a positive one. Nothing irritates me more than ppl who think THEY have some sort of inside knowledge to MY life experiences. You ain’t got the answers sway‼️‼️
Truth all around. Looking back I'm grateful that certain things that I desperately wanted didn't magically appear for me because it forced me to face fears, deal with shadows and freed me as a result. I honestly believe not everyone is ready spiritually or psychologically to confront the very painful realities of their lives not working out and by design aren't forced by the universe to live through those experiences. You, Stephanie, are so much stronger and wiser than anyone who "manifested" xyz trying to give you advice.
I’m in a relationship and my man and I are planning to get married next year. Before I met my man, dating was a nightmare for me. I can only imagine how hard it is for single women in 2024.
Look at you, being a Trendsetter! That MOTHERLESS channel would probably not exist if you hadn't started your channel being so vulnerable! Keep doing/ being you!
I was surprised this video was by you! You look amazing. I missed your videos on dating. I felt so alone until I saw your videos. You're my comfort youtuber. What you say is what I think! One thing I think about is how much value I bring to the world even if I don't have a husband. And I think, you bring so much value to thousands, hundreds of thousands of people. That means so much.
It can’t just be women searching for love and committed relationships. The problem is men not wanting and looking for the same thing. Millions of women looking for something very few men are looking for/ capable of. Be okay with other relationships. Pets friendships familial relationships coworkers peers etc. Some people aren’t gonna get that fairytale ending and that’s okay. Create your own fairytale
Respectfully, I think that is part of the problem. Too many of us women are looking for a fairy tale and that's not real life. Most women can find a good, decent man to love and respect them, but if there are no sparkles, bells and whistles telling us he is "the one" we dismiss it. Some women say "if it's not a fairy tale then I don't want it" which is why we live in a free country. Yes we can get love from friends and family, it's sad to think of women like Steph crying themselves to sleep. 😔
@@CaramelCrown04You are right that the collective of men aren't suitable for serious romantic relationships, but tbh neither are the collective of women (and I'm saying this as someone very biased in support of the female sex). The mistake we make is idolizing romantic love (not just desiring, but CRAVING), and wanting men to fulfill us in ways they were never supposed to (hint hint...but God can). Women, who not only pretty or put together, but also truly understand AND accept men's true roles (to protect, provide, and be a strong masculine presence) and if don't harp much on if they do or don't fall in love fare much better. If it does, ok🤷🏾♀️ if not, ok🤷🏾♀️... don't fight against it if he's a viable partner but don't force it either.
Men were never supposed to give us the fairytale ending or unconditional love. Just leadership and most importantly, a good, !!!easier!!! life (othewise,🏃🏾♀️💨)
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve wanted to date and get married for as long as I can remember, and I too have clung to stories of Hope that people have shared with me and I haven’t found my person yet. When I passed the age I thought I would be married (32) I asked myself would you still love your life if you didn’t get married? My answer was no. But then I realized that I needed to start visualizing my future differently because it will be a sad life to continue being unhappy only because of an unfulfilled desire. I am 36 years old and I’m still struggling to come to terms with possibly being single forever. it has helped me to see that I am very particular when it comes to who I allow in my circle so it makes sense why finding a romantic relationship would be even more difficult for me. it still breaks my heart when I see people find love, but it hurts a lot less when I hear that I’m not alone in the struggle of long term singleness. My hope is dwindling and that makes me sad because it’s my inner child’s dream, but I think that maybe hope needs to die out so that I can really make room the life that I have going for me.
I met my ex husband after a 6 year situationship. I didn’t even know I was in a situationship back then…. So after I ended it. I said Lord, I’m ready for my Prince Charming. Ended up marrying a narcissist soooo it didn’t work out well. I’m 40 now like you still waiting for the right person.
I turn 23 next week and still haven’t had my first boyfriend or kiss yet. I’ve gone on a few online dates and it was not my cup of tea. I was very active in my community in college and have many friends who love me. Idk what it is and I literally don’t care anymore.
I will be 31 in a couple of months. Went to churches meetup groups and bookstores. I have really tried. It's really hard. And as a man my standards are much lower than women's but I still have some.
finding love is just luck. I met my fiancé only beacuse he was in hospital in my city. So, had he not been ill we would have never met and I'd probably still be single today. Just luck.
I love to hear a full video commentary on unhelpful and annoying things people tell single people. Especially the kind of advice those who are in relationships or have been for a long time like to present to single people
People need to stop crying on the Internet. Talk to loved ones/friends/family, a therapist or journal. But please not the Internet because so many are going to judge and give their unwanted opinions and you may look back - regret and/or cringe at your vulnerability.
Maybe people are doing it BECAUSE they don't have friends and family to confide in. I agree with you though. Some things should be kept private. I also wonder if being so open online actually extends the agony of that particular situation as there might be additional revenue in it.
@@Kayla-kd8ov You're right; it isn't a safe place. It's not something I would do either. But for some people it's one way to be heard and receive validation, as well as an income.
@@Kayla-kd8ovlet people choose that for themselves. Maybe you cant handle criticism from the internet and would be ashamed of being vulnerable but not everyone feels this way. This woman doesn’t at least so why should she live her life based on how another person would? What she shared can be validating and inspiring for someone and they needed to hear it.
I think the thing that bothers me the most about men's commentary on women who have not been successful with romance is their insistence that you're getting what you deserved because you friendzoned 5,000 guys.
That's just not the case for all of us. No one was interested in me in high school. I didn't go on a single date in college. When I graduated from college I spent my twenties yearning for romance and to start a family. It didn't happen for me .
I got married at 50. I don't regret it, but just because so many men are apparently willing to have sex with any warm body doesn't mean that they are willing to create a relationship with any warm body. And most of all, it doesn't mean that every woman has an army of men just waiting to approach her for sex, romance or marriage.
THIS 🙌🙌🙌
Here, Here! 👏
YES THANK YOU!
Some people are unlucky.
@@mateaukalua4426 true. Or unattractive, perhaps. It's a stark difference in how women are treated in this situation. When a woman struggles to make a romantic connection, it's her fault. When men struggle to find a romantic connection, it's women's fault.
When life hasn’t occurred in alignment with your desires, it is called life. The whole “manifest” movement leads people to believe that they deserve/are entitled to something JUST b/c they want it. This often leads to depression and discontentment when you inevitably realize that you don’t really control anything, not even the air you breathe. It’s LIFE not a romcom. Accept that you may not get some of the things you want, and get on with living and adding something valuable to humanity.
THIS ⬆️
Everyone needs to print that comment out… put it up on the wall.. read it everyday… and get off social media. These conversations are getting scary. It’s like arguing with children that still believe in Santa Clause.
@@flight2533 you have a point i think seeing others who actually get to experience Santa hurts the most and can make us still hope in him from a human point of view
Love this take!
Wow this is so real, I never realised how manifestation sets us up for disappointment. It gives this false impression of control. Could you please elaborate more on this? This is something I needed to hear.
You Must have entitlement mindset in order to realise anything in life. Many people don’t get what they want because they simply think all they have to do is sit down and imagine what they want.
This is the reality here;
You are gonna imagine what you want, but be prepared to be beat down countless times! Still you don’t throw away your wish or dreams, you keep going and fine tuning your actions. For example, many of you here are out of shape, personality is off, depth is lacking but still sit down expecting that perfect relationship. What are you doing each day to improve your over all self.
Are you in Alignment with your purpose?
What is your standard? Your habits and your character like?
If you have not gotten what you desire do not ever give up, keep
Your expectations but strive to make an impact using your purpose to serve yourself and the world around you.
You will Know when you are vibrating on that level because you will feel full of love within and outside of yourself.
That alone begins to attract people to you, you don’t need to chase love, love only attracts more love.
Do you love your life?
Dating is hard in general IF you’re looking for a mate not a hookup. Hookups are easy to find but a meaningful relationship is hard to find. Those relationships take time and the investment is a lot of time and effort.
I don't think so. I don't get either even though I approached and Ive been told I'm attractive.
Yes. It is difficult for everyone. Just from the few minutes i heard of Steph talking about the woman, the thing is that the lady would need to get whatever specific, direct man out of head and really pay attention to "traits."
So maybe you'd get a white man but maybe he would NOT be American white. Or maybe he wouldn't even be from the same hemisphere white. Maybe he isn't even white at all. Look at the traits of the person you want.
But over all its very, very difficult to get with someone serious just as you said.
“When something is hard, but it’s not hard for everybody” - BAM, right out of the gate, this is a terrific discussion! Subscribed!
Also, I love that your Comments section has rules and guidelines. This is my first time seeing that.
Hookups are easy to find if you have good looks privilege
@@gronki1 Or if you are a woman. Not for most men.
When she said, “I literally have cried myself to sleep asking god to take the desire away.” Oh that hit me hard. Thank you for helping me to validate my own experience with my own desires.
@@grumpyunicorn3069 Yup, the desire for men out of her league. Telling every woman they were beautiful has had consequences..
@@bannedmann4469 Bro the irony 😭
Yeah, I'm a disabled guy so I can't see even women that are disabled too ever liking me so I've pretty much just accepted that I'll never have the kind of romance I yearn for in this life.
I alternate between praying to Christ to transform me into what I need to be in order to leave this world and finally go home or tell me what He wants me to do before I'm allowed to leave and praying to Him to transmute me into someone that a woman could actually love lol
I dono maybe I'm just too selfish and I should be focusing on trying to help other people though and praying to be given the ability to do so, It's just it feels like a need to have someone to love romantically, but maybe it's just an illusion I have no idea at this point
@@bannedmann4469 No empathy, just finding any opportunity to rag on a stranger because you feel like shit about yourself. Grow the hell up, dude.
@@Sheabuttertend You’re wrong, I have a lot of empathy. I feel bad for how these women were raised. Set em up for failure.
I think the reason why people often refuse to believe that the person who’s struggling isn’t doing anything necessarily wrong is because people have seen the worst of worst get coupled up so it HAS TO BE something you’re doing wrong
Yes, what I'm going wrong is that I don't want to be coupled up with the worst humanity has to offer 😂
That is it. We've heard since teen years that "every pot has its lid" and have seen all kinds of people pair up.
I don't want to scrape from the bottom of the pot.
@@mateaukalua4426 me neither but we might have to lol
right?! I think people forget that there are plenty of people in horribly awful relationships, and some of us DON'T WANT THAT. Like no, I'd rather be single than be with someone awful, and finding someone great is hard.
At 57, I've come to embrace the unique path my life has taken. The realization that marriage and family wouldn't be part of my story was a difficult one. I found peace in creating boundaries, even if it meant spending less time with family. My life is full, rich, and mine alone. Everyone's path is different. I've embraced my life and it would take someone truly exceptional for me to disturb my peace.
Facts . We all are not meant for marraige and there is nothing we did wrong
So nice to hear a success story from someone a little older.
:( never dream it’s over 💓
Truth. People need to realize life isnt a Disney/Hallmark Valentines Special.
@@rogers5622 Gods decision! That 1 would be alone. July 2024
You make really good points! People who complain about dating are always invalidated. I hate the phrase “choose better” or “love will come to you when you least expect it” it’s just gaslighting
Exactly. I don't think there are enough Happily Ever Afters to go around.
Why is everything gaslighting now? That's a real term. It might be bad advice, but gaslighting?
@@rogers5622well that and the fact that there really is no such thing as “happily ever after”… lack of fulfillment comes in as many different forms as there are souls in this world❤
@@lydiathompson8618I think maybe it just feels like gaslighting? It can be a form of false hope, like denial… it is so hard to accept that our path is not what we thought it would be. Similar to hearing “so sorry for your loss” or similar verbiage after a loss.❤
@@rogers5622 there is and always will be an abundance of everything to go around. You might have to try harder to find it but there's not a limited supply of Happily Ever Afters.
Dating is definitely hard for women today and people who say it’s not are delusional.They say date less attractive men but they can be jerks too.I’m not trying to offend anyone but oftentimes the women who always have a man have low to no standards.If you have standards dating will be harder for you.
Keep your standards
It’s true I notice that some people in relationships especially long term relationships there’s that one partner that is not getting their needs met and is settling or compromising for the other person in order to keep the relationship intact
@@calebco7985😅Someone is TRIGGERED 👆🏼😂
Oh no 6'5 Chad don't want me I'm so lonely
@@calebco7985 Yep the 6'5 rich Chad don't want them so dating is so hard for them
Girl…did you say your Dad says all you have to do is put on some capri pants, get a bob hairstyle, take your Bible and go sit down and you will find a man?!?! I laughed out loud for real, but I think you really are serious. I would love to hear more about this.
Don’t forget you need you some lemonade too 😩
😂 LOOKING LIKE DORA
@@RocketshipsToNowhere😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
He’s right. Finding a man is easy! Having what you need and want is different and hard to find
My dad told me to prepare to be lonely for what will feel like a long time before I find the man who treats me right because I was so beautiful but so much of a good woman that many good men were gonna be too intimidated or too non-committal to approach me but to hold out for the right man
Not exactly the most motivating or reassuring thing to hear as a depressed teenage college student but he was right since I was very lonely and got married to my Prince Charming in my late twenties despite wanting to date intentionally while being commitment/marriage minded for a whole decade before that.
My dad was king of managing my expectations lol. Probably because he managed his own he even said at one point “I don’t expect boys/men your age to be as mature as they were bac when I was your age, they’re so different now” he didn’t even say it in a harsh/judgmental way it was very matter-of-fact
My aunt married her husband ~40 and had both of her kids mid-40s. They are very happy. She is sweet and has always taken great care of herself.
I'm glad that she got a decent amount of time to actually live for herself & enjoy freedom
One of my coworkers is just now having her first kid in a few weeks at age 47. Talk about a life well lived before becoming a parent! 😂
I got married at 32 had first kid at 32 and 2nd at 33
I got engaged this year, at 39(will be 40 in a few months). Live your life and it will happen when its your time. I LIVED A FABULOUS TIME WHILE SINGLE THEN MY TIME CAME😂.
Loving all these "worth the wait" stories 🥰 more, please!
This perspective is really comforting for me actually. After doing so much work on myself I still haven't seen positive changes in my love life. It's so exhausting when people tell you to keep working on yourself or that you're not seeing the results you want because of some supposed internal problem you have. There's only so much work I can do. Sometimes things just don't happen the way we want, and that's not our fault
Exactly, I have had the same issue except in the area of career/finance. So I understand exactly. There is nothing out there that I have not tried. So it is super frustrating for people to dismiss all the work you’ve been doing for years, telling you that you’re just not trying hard enough. Suggesting things that you’ve already tried multiple times, as if you’ve never thought of that before. It’s presumptuous and dismissive. I totally get it.
Then I see drug addicts, covicts, alcoholics etc in long term relationships and or marriages and the man accepts them! But they tell a decent person to keep working on themselves
This is so True. I had someone tell me take time out after sharing that someone I just started talking I found out was married. Instead of saying words of encouragement since I walked away from that situation. I feel like they shamed me. Even compared me to another friend who she doesn't even know if is dating or want to date. Mind you she has been in a long term situation now marriage. I'm now picking who I share my single journey with.
@LumkaJwara Just know that this Internet stranger is very sorry for what happened to you, but proud you found the strength to walk away. Being single and wanting a relationship is hard, especially when everyone around you is either married or in a long-term relationship. I get flack for going on dates from my perpetually single friends, and I also get flack from the coupled folks if I don't go on dates. Sometimes, you can never win.
My former friends with children and husbands are literally “not that great”… they don’t do the self work and still got the outcome.. when I realized that, I was like no, society is not going to force me to spend eternity believing I don’t love myself.. there will always be another book, another podcast, another journal, another trainer waiting to take our money because there will always be “more self love” to earn.. we’ve gotta stop
I held onto this one for a bit. As someone who is trying to be in her unproblematic era lol, there are subjects I like staying away from if I can. But I felt passionately about this one, so here we go. Thanks for watching :)
Thank you for sharing, you are so pretty and you look so young!! 🥰 You're glowing
I have a lot of takes on this subject and most falls in line with your commentary, but I just want to give you your flowers 💐 thank you for being a voice of reassurance that I’m not crazy, thank you for being a advocate, and thank you for being a mentor .. I know so taboo to admit a parasocial relationship but hearing your stories really do feel like a conversation with a big sister / cousin
Can you link the video of the women of faith talking about grieving motherhood?
@@sometimesising1016 Look up @Magnifycollective 🙌🏾❤️
So much love and respect for you and your vulnerability, Steph. Lots of people in the comment section are still not hearing you. It's totally a microcosm snapshot of how society works. I look up to you so much, and your analytical, introspection is oxygen for my mind and soul ❤
Not about relationships, about the job market. But same general vibe. Whenever I complain online about the job market being hard, without fail, someone will always comment that I must be too stupid to get a job in the field I studied for and I should have studied something else and it’s all my fault and I should hang my head in shame and lick my wounds and be grateful.
I’m not talking about the people who give advice I’ve already tried. It’s annoying, but they mean well. I’m talking about the people who leave hate-filled, vitriolic comments to someone just harmlessly posting about something that doesn’t affect them.
People out here are wild. I don’t think it’s that they don’t know how to respond to suffering. I think they just like the cruelty.
Without a doubt they love the cruelty! I think some people can't wait to come across someone doing poorly so they can be harsh and mean with the excuse that it's the other person's fault and they're deserving. I've been through this with people a few times.
@@matxalenc8410 i totally second your comment. I hear people complaining about worsening mental health and suicide, just for another group to say that people need to be bullied more (for how fat they are or how unattractive they seem), or that people deserve the bad or sad things that happen to them etc.
People can't resist being outrightly cruel anymore and this makes me feel like humans don't just care but I also know that that's not true because there are kind and loving humans who do exist.
Misery loves company. They can't be miserable on their own so they just have to drag you into it with them.
I hear you. I have a friend going through this with the job market and I have to be mindful and check myself before talking to her. I don’t want it to seem like im blaming her.
@@matxalenc8410 Anonymous social media attracts a**holes and trolls. There are people who post gratuitously rude comments just for the “fun” of seeing the responses . Scroll past the BS . You know the truth of your situation, and you don’t have time to waste arguing about it with ignorant shit disturbers.
I'm 32 and just got ghosted by a 49 year old man. I'm seriously done. I can't do it anymore. I thought he'd be mature and a lot more serious than others but no, he was worse. I cant actually believe it. I've deleted the apps and I'm done. I cant emotionally continue, it beyond embarrassing. I told people about him! Its getting humiliating now 😅
I completely understand. I’m 36 and my exboyfriend from two years ago was 8 years older and I’ve also tried 10 years older. I had to learn they can be immature as well. I extended my age range to younger because it really doesn’t matter at this point.
I feel you, older men can be just as bad. Maturity has no age.
You’re at an age where your time has come and gone. It’s best to buy a cat
@@MB-xv7er This is a discussion between women, don’t embarrass yourself.
Next time....just keep who you are seeing between you and God until you are pretty much engaged.
I can tell you as a woman of a certain age, I fully understand and agree with you. People want to believe that everything always works out for the best. That's not true. Sometimes you don't get what you want...and then you die. Try to enjoy life even when you're grieving that lack of your soul's desire.
Take heart. I do think God does work things for our good but he never said we wouldn’t have suffering. A hard life doesn’t mean it was an unsuccessful life 💜 think of all the strength and character that comes from out struggles 💜
I think this is the best comment I’ve EVER seen on the internet 👏🏽🤣
This is so true, life doesn't always work out like we want it too.
@@Tim_G_Bennett You think that because you don't know who's in power. Life is never shitty, it only appears as shitty when you have been manipulated to lower your standards and conform to a norm made for "people like you".
I think there also needs to be WAAAAAAAY less shame in finding outlets for it. Read. Write. Paint. Watch beautiful romance movies that make you cry and giggle and cry again. Allow yourself to be apart of it. And remind yourself you ARE feeling the beauty of love in these moments. They're real and they matter. But somehow, it all came from you, not somebody else we desperately try to stamp those feelings and that image on. :)
It's a combination of readiness and luck. Some aspects are within a person's control, and some are not. There are definitely things people can do to increase their odds- still, timing is a thing of its own
Truly! I think that is what makes it so upsetting when it comes to finding love, some people do very little and get a lot and others do the most and don't end up with anything! Realising yeah beyond doing what I can (going out, profiles, matchmaker, etc...), the rest being timing and luck is truly out of my control so might as well be peaceful
Yep.
@@embo_5787Doing the most is trying too hard and often fails. Do less, relax more and centre yourself.
@roxyortiz8819very wise words!
@roxyortiz8819 No offense but I think you've got that quote wrong. Success** is when preparation meets opportunity. Opportunities come from luck.
I’ve prayed and “manifested” about meeting my person since I was a teen. I’m 31 now and have never had a real relationship and I just don’t think I’m going to.
I’m so glad you touched on this! No one wants to say it out loud.
Besides prayer though, what actions have you taken to meet the right person? Also, if you don't think it's going to happen, then it's not going to happen because you've given up on the idea.
You want to live in a Disney dream movie.
Have you taken any action? Lots of ladies manifesting their dream guy sitting at home, but don't interact with men in real life
@@skinnyguy7773 If she wants to meet someone so badly, I hardly doubt she is sitting at home waiting for it to happens out of nowhere. It's a little bit unfair to her to think she's that stupid.
@@tobe-you-tube6612Not an assumption made. The first comment said “prayed and manifested”. These words are not actions and only thoughts. If the first comment had given examples of approaching others and interacting with them, that would be another thing.
This topic is so incredibly sensitive and painful to me. I've tried - God knows I've tried. I haven't been perfect, but I've tried. I'm genuinely sad and scared of what lies ahead.
❤ hugs
Me too, sis.💜
🫂
Me too
Me too
Dating is absolutely horrendous and seems to only be getting worse. I never had super horrible experiences but it was never fun for me. I pretty much gave up on it when I met my husband at age 34 in another country. We got married a few days before my 37th birthday, and just had my first baby still age 37. My 38th birthday is next week!
Congrats girl!!
is it that bad for men too?
Congrats! Here’s blessings for you and your family! ❤
@@spookyjones6577 thank you 😊
glad 4 u
You will be at peace once you learn that you can't control the way of life. You can't force relationships and once you come to terms that some people aren't going to get their fairytale ending, you will learn to let go.
I’ve definitely gotten to the place where I truly believe “if not this life then the next”. I was such a late bloomer and have a lot of past trauma and issues that really hurt dating for me. I’ve grieved, still do because the disappointment is strong, but I’ve accepted this. I’m still living, I still have a lot going for me, but the acceptance of possibly never finding a deep true love does set you free in a strange way. Sending a lot of love to everyone experiencing this 💕
Me too. I was living in trauma in my 20s
Simple. Lose some weight. It will work wonders for you.
This! Also it’s literally just a fact that not everyone finds a life partner before they die. It’s very telling how uncomfortable people like that get when I simply bring up my reality as a chronically single woman. I think the idea that single people have worth and value in their own right is so threatening to most people they’d do anything not to think about it. But of course if I’m insecure at all about being in “undateable” category, everything that’s ever happened to me is deserved and my own fault. 100% gaslighting and honestly a bit dehumanizing to know others view me like this
I have been losing weight, but like I said my trauma is deep and it impacts my relationships, esp romantic ones. I can be cute and thin but still f*cked up mentally and run good people away. I’m working on it but it’s less about my appearance atp
That’s what I’m working towards now. Leaning into the love I do have. Nurturing those relationships. Doing the things I love. Growing for my own sake not as a way to “catch a husband”.
For me, it’s hard when someone your age or older (men and women) are like “girl, give it up. You’re how old? Ha! If it hasn’t happened it ain’t happening. You’re expired.” I see this a lot and it’s worse than supposed false hope. It makes me feel stupid I’m out here longing for something that I should just give up on. But I related hard to this video.
Time is nobody's friend. I am 30 and a man and still I need to be seeking serious relationship in the near future.
Until you take your last breath, there’s always a chance ❤
A 100 year old D Day American veteran got married this month. Tell those nasty people to get lost. Its abuse to women by men and women.
@@sommesoul33 As a 30 year old man I get the same pressure from a few people.
@@mateaukalua4426 so much societal pressure to stay in abusive relationships or to meet people when sometimes it doesn’t happen. It hasn’t happened for me for years and i have tried. Its engrained in us genetically too as a species. I get judged too for being single and no family when i want one. One consolation is i haven’t created a being that will hurt others or animals.
I think the worst part about trying to find love is that so much of it is down to luck… I met my partner at 21 and we’ve been together for ages now but… I don’t think I did anything special… just happened to meet someone with similar values and goals and we also were really into each other. So much of life is luck and I don’t think we like talking about that much.
There’s no such thing as luck. There’s probability.
There’s no such thing as luck. There’s probability.
There’s no such thing as luck. There’s probability.
From what I've gathered, most of the men are looking for someone to use; and most of the women are looking for love. I realized that a lot of ppl who found "love" rushed into a relationship/marriage and are either currently miserable or divorced.
My 2 cents based on my life experience- Men looking for someone to use are the loudest contingent, especially online, but a lot of men really just want to be loved as they are and to love a woman back ❤
yeah you start looking for love once you are used up and old ;)
@@attroenergizer8115WHY are YOU here? 😂 are you LONELY 😩 😂
@@attroenergizer8115 lmao facts
A man has to be perfect to get loved.
To me it's a no brainer. Have you seen those graphs showing how women are becoming more and more progressive and men less and less? The gap is huge now. So if you're a straight woman it's hard to date cause men are not on the same page a us, and dont usually do as much psychological work, don't want exclusive relationships as often as we do. And when men know about issues other than theirs, like feminism, some of them use them to manipulate us. Plus men usually only go for conventionally attractive women, so that reduces the matching chances too. Plus if you're demisexual it's also really hard to find men who are patient enough and don't make you feel pressured (intensionally or not).
All great points
Men today say Afghanistan is right about women good luck to yall,i dont blame the men for becoming more right wing no one cares about their issues either.
Most of the people invalidating her story are are in terrible relationships.
They're with their man because they can have a man. Doesn't matter what the man is like.
I think that is true. As a woman it is not difficult to get a man, but it does require more time and effort to get a quality man.
so now you're invalidating THIER relationships? do you know them?
@@nanomiaNo, I'm not invalidating anyone's relationship.
I'm in a good relationship.
I can recognize that I am lucky to be in a good relationship without invalidating somebody that is having a hard time dating.
Because in reality dating is hard. Being in a good relationship we're both parties actually respect and are kind to each other is oddly rare.
as a 24 year old I find myself somewhat like how you were in your mid twenties basically feeling frantic, lost, and like an outlier. I have asked myself so many times what is wrong with me. I have lost weight, gained weight, changed how I do my makeup, change what I wear and still I am single - I've been ghosted/played and it makes me feel like no matter what I am not good enough. I still have a tiny bit of hope I will find my husband but for now I am waving the white flag.
and it does not help when non black people who are in relationships are like just try hinge like honey my experience on hinge is going to be so different than yours. I see how many likes I get with my natural hair being my main photos vs weaves and wigs. it just feels like a game I cannot win and I am not voluntarily allowing myself to be beaten up by the apps. I do not get approached at the store, on the train, in a restaurant (yes I take myself out to eat alone), or the rare occasions I go out for drinks with friends. no matter what I feel invisible.
Sis, you literally took the words right outta my brain. This has been my exact experience. Recently I concluded that my dating experience would be more successful if I stayed away from conventionally attractive men. Well, I didn't realize that that's total bull because the men who are not conventionally attractive are not really checking for me like that. Everyone seems to be pursuing the same people, and they all "happen" to look like IG models. I gave up on dating a couple days ago but unfortunately, the desire to be loved is still strong as ever.
@@whosthatgirlitstiff1861 exactly, even the non conventionally attractive me do the same things the conventionally attractive ones do. I still desire to be loved and cared for genuinely by a man. I know I’m not an IG model and will never be unless I pop up with 10k for surgery but even then, is that worth it? Women who I find drop dead gorgeous still have had the same experiences as me, some of them did finally find success with dating. I think at one point i was consumed by the thought of being desirable through surgery but I realized I was only brainwashed and there was nor is nor ever will be anything inherently wrong with me even if my experiences sometimes make me think so.
I know it’s something you probably always hear…but you are so young. Still learning and growing and figuring out what you want and what’s best for you. It’s not unusual to be 24 and dating unsuccessfully.
Spend your twenties becoming the most interesting person you’ve ever met. Learn how to do various things ie, DIYs, sew, knit, dance, paint, cook, floral arrangements, etc. Please do not waste your energy looking for or hoping for a man to find you. Live your life and have it in your mind that anyone that meets you will be lucky to have a minute of your time.
Get off the apps and get out of the house. Meeting people authentically is always better, imo
Your dad sounds like my mom. She just can't comprehend how I enjoy myself a lot and thinks dating is easy when she's only dated one dude and then my dad.
It’s the validating my own story for me!!! People, family included, always wanna make me feel like I somehow overlooked my husband and or it’s just my fault somehow. While I know darn well I would NEVERRRRRR have passed on a good man 💨
This!!! People are just so ignorant 😤
Yea that's how I feel too. But in reverse as I am a man.
But to be fair often times this is shown to be true because the people that tend to get over looked might not be the one that you sexually desire, they might not dress the best etc.....
See, this is why I avoid family gatherings!!
I literally just love you Steph , you have no idea how much you’ve been a friend to me and validated my experiences more than anyone I’ve met in real life, you’re a true gem.
“And then he robbed me!” I legit laughed out loud 😂.
Me too 😂
I burst out laughing 😂 🤣
I burst out laughing 😂
She is hilarious! 😂
Every woman I know, and they are all sweet, loving, attractive women, have tried for years to settle down with men. The story has always been the same: the man is "not ready" bla bla bla. So to the men saying why dont women prioritize having kids and marriage in their 20s... with who do you mean exactly? Just have sex with some rando to have a kid and be a single mom? Have a relationship with the wall? Take a good look at yourselves and check why y'all are so scared of committing to 1 woman.
Yess! 🙌
I honestly think getting married is just good timing and the right circumstances so in other words luck and chance. I am married with a baby in the way and the dating scene was horrific before I got married. My husband just so happened to be a childhood friend who we circled back and found each other again. Had we tried to be serious in our early 20s we both agree it would’ve NEVER worked. My cousin got married after never going out and living in the middle of nowhere where to a man who just so happened to be working on her house lol so in a way he just fell into her lap. Good timing and chance. I really don’t think there’s any rhyme or reason to any of this. 😅
but that's not luck, that's opportunity. A person from your childhood who you already had a prior relationship with ended up being the man you married. Your cousin's story is also what sometimes happens to people who come across a partner at the shops, library, the park, a wedding etc. There's always someone out there for someone else if people's hearts are open to it and if they make an effort.
Truth. I think a lot of people are just happy with, or ok with, being lonely for quite a while. Until they're not. In modern times you have literally thousands of distractions available. And let's be real: porn for every taste or kink imaginable. No, it's not real intimacy...but most are busy trying to learn to love themselves anyway.
you're right, it's timing and circumstances! As much as people keep blaming in the comments
IMHO, much of the Spiritual talk and teachings that’s been seen over the last several years is basically SPIRITUAL GASLIGHTING! It’s all about what you haven’t done to create the life you wanted - you haven’t prayed, meditated, lit the right candles, bought this course, gave this amount of money, etc…even though you know you’ve done everything in your power…anyway, I’m so glad you noticed and spoke on this 🙏🏽
Everything in your power? Ma’am if that’s you in your profile pic, you do NOT look like you are at a healthy weight.
@@Mac-pluto: Ok 🤷🏽♀️🤣
Much agreed!!!! I would even call it spiritual bypassing- ascribing woowoo causes behind very really, human problems and covering it up with the veneer of "if this doesn't work for you, it's because you didn't try hard enough." As a spiritual person myself, there's a HUGE difference between instructing and shaming/blaming.
modern dating is so hard for me, i get stuck in situationship and after situationship despite my directness with new potential partners. atp i have no idea how to get into/be in a committed relationship but im still trying to hold out hope
There are many details about your situation that I don't know, but my experience was that I avoided any attempt at situationships with strong filters and rock-solid boundaries that I didn't waver on. What I saw is that that type of nonsense proliferates in ambiguity- so I put everything out there in the light and when I sensed any hesitation from anyone to do the same, I cut them loose. I also never did or said anything I wasn't 100% comfortable with, which kept me from feeling used or burned out. Keeping things on terms that I was happy with, and walking away at any kind of shift, kept me sane during my dating years. Good luck ❤
@@DarthFurieFantastic advice ❤
You have to be not only direct, but follow through. No sex without a clear trusting relationship. What helped me was when I learned about the five stages of intimacy. Don’t have sex if you haven’t both reached the level of intimacy where you have bonded on a deep level. Most men will not hang around, but that’s fine because you do not want the ones who won’t grow in real intimacy with you.
Yep I hate it when people say but you agreed, I have had one situationship and guess what I only accepted after years of only being offered that from almost every guy. Only been asked to be a girlfriend one time.
@@woobuglauryn that’s what i try to do but i’ve been taken advantage of multiple times against my consent by guys that i’ve been seeing. sometimes i just don’t know what to do about it
In your interaction with that child, the difference is that the mother (by the sounds of it, a single parent) was exhausted and overwhelmed from always having to meet this child's needs all by herself. That baby fought sleep with you, despite being held, despite soothing ocean noises... and you were patient because it wasn't your 294th consecutive night of sleep deprivation due to a child who needs to sleep yet refuses to sleep.
I will also say, as a mother, the WORST sound in the world is your baby crying. I hear it if he's in a different room. I hear it if I'm in the shower. If he grunts in his sleep, it wakes me up. When he cries, it sends my anxiety through the roof. I can't hear anything else or think about anything else.
Sometimes, though, your baby will cry because they are tired, bored, or overstimulated. Not good reasons to ratchet up your anxiety, but they can't help that.
It can really mess with your mental health, especially if you're the only one who ever attends to that child when they cry.
Your friend likely met a man and discovered that when you have a partner who will do what you did (take over parenting duties and put that child to sleep) being a mother doesn't suck so much after all.
YES. I related so much to her friend in that story. Especially when you finally get a chance to spend some time with a friend and your baby will not just calm down and go to sleep so you can have some adult conversation. My youngest is 9 now and I have NO desire to go back to having a baby!
So appreciate this video. I’m child free not by choice but by circumstance, and it hurts. But… it hasn’t ruined my life. It just looks different than I’d hoped. It’s a hard road though. Compassion and love to everyone in this tough situation.
People hate the idea of luck. They hate that we get lucky or unlucky in all kind of ways. We get lucky when it comes to who our parents are, what are body/face attraction is, what friends we had or didn't had, all the things that get the snowball of life rolling. And then all the luck after that as well. We can hold both of these things as true, some people get lucky, some people make their luck, some people try to make their luck and get unlucky and fail...and on and on
I think a super painful reality that most people don’t wanna acknowledge is lot everybody will fivd a life partner. Some people will never get married or have kids in a CNA and I’ve seen countless people die alone. Once you acknowledge that and come to terms with that and understand it’s ok, I think is as society places too much importance on romantic relationships , once you come to terms with this reality things become much easier
I also think we don't want to fully acknowledge that some couples you see are a product of one or both partners settling. None of us want a relationship like that, but that's a very real possibility for many of us.
I’m a cna too!! I’ve seen the opposite, everyone is married for 60 years lol
@@champagneprincess4 so you haven’t seen anybody die unmarried or without a partner?
@@KiaraWright-fn9kc to be fair I’ve actually never actually had one of my patients pass away. My unit luckily mainly has people who get better and discharge. I don’t work in a nursing home.
I am okay with being alone I have been a loner all my life what am not okay with is the shaming and hatred women go through for not being 25
Thanks for this video. 54 year old here still single and childless. I have been through it all and yes I have heard all of the comments that you mentioned. Trust me it gets harder when you realize all of your friends have gotten married. Although I will say now in my 50's many of those people are now getting divorced so they circle back around. Modern dating is a crap shoot.
Your comment is so validating. Thank you 💕
It's kind of funny that some people circle the block in middle age after divorce...I'm a couple of years to 40. It will be interesting if this is my experience in a decade or so
I think you can sometimes confuse 'gets more attention' with 'less difficult'. There are definitely men and women who get more attention, dating wise. Absolutely. But I have seen no correlation between 'gets a lot of attention' and 'has a healthy relationship'. I have friends who are professional models. They are by far the most insecure about their looks out of any women I know. Also, for plenty of women, lots of male attention can make one feel hunted and objectified. I used to get a lot of attention. I got older, and get way less attention now. I enjoy myself much more now. Because there's less creeps interrupting my day, there's no eyes watching me on the train, I just get to be.....me easier. And while I could get dates easily when I was young, I could not find respect, so I stopped dating. It was interrupting my peace, I kept finding people who only wanted my looks and had utter disdain for who I was as a person. That is not pleasant, trust me. I in no way wish to invalidate your struggle, or claim some people don't get asked out more than others. But I don't want 'how much one gets asked out/officially dating/wifed up' to be used as a yardstick for how difficult or painful this is for people.
Excellent post. When I was younger I got a lot of disrespectful male attention; I hated it and eventually bailed out of dating never to return.
I'm also late diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, which also plays a big part.
This is such a great point! It’s wanting to be validated and seen.
@@rejectionisprotection4448 This is my experience too. I'm autistic and although I try very hard to mimick "normal" behavior, I feel like everyone can tell something is off and find it very difficult to make friends. The only people who ever wanted to be around me were men who were attracted to me, which made me feel so worthless, like I was only good to look at but no good as a person. I've only once experienced a man approaching me genuinely trying to get to know me as a person and the difference was night and day between him and everyone else. If most people tried to get to know others genuinely like that, I think everyone would feel so much better about themselves and there would be a lot more genuine friendships and romantic relationships.
You get it! For me being really attractive works against me more than it works for me
We as women need to stop this obsession that a man is going to fill up our lives. It's natural I know... Ive been there and am there! But these women we see where "everything works out" - I've felt that, and then many times 5/10 years later they are divorced and the whole thing was toxic. Marriage or a man doesn't = perfect life. Another woman had it all, amazing husband 3 kids and then her youngest kid died at age 4 and she lives in pain and devastation. These things dont make a single woman's situation better but honestly it opens one's eyes to the realities of life and this idea that once we meet "our person" our lives have purpose and happiness.
I don’t understand when men on podcasts say, “women should prioritize marriage and family” when basic bills still need to be paid waaaaaayyyyy before that even happens. When you turn 18 most people get a job and/or go to college and aren’t thinking about starting a family. A lot of the men that give that advice still pump and dump women so they too aren’t looking for a “traditional” woman until they are ready to settle down waaaaaayyyy in the future.
So be with your boyfriend why cant girls keep a long term relationship just be a good gf as for marriage yeah thats a dream what dude would get married today.
I have a hard time supporting the belief that no everyone qualifies for a relationship. I’ve seen married couples drugged up together, I’ve seen couples where one person is mentally ill, alcoholic, disabled, abusive etc. Plenty of “broken” people out here who have found the one and are married.
Working on yourself if for YOU. It has nothing to do with whether or not a potential partner will want to settle for you. Working on yourself is so that YOU feel good within your own mind, body and soul. Your potential partners are their own people who will decide for themselves why you’re the one ☝️ not because you look good on paper.
I think the notion of constantly needing to work on yourself in order to find the one is extremely toxic because we will be working on ourselves till the day we pass. We will never be perfect in the eyes of other people. Working on ourselves is for us not others.
@@channelearth5672 Awesome comment!
I’m a man, and I’m married (1st marriage, 2 years now). I’m in my late 40’s and while I found my soul mate, I do think modern dating can be difficult. I never necessarily had a difficult time dating, but I would never invalidate anyone else’s experience. It is hard. People are much busier, dating is done more online, and it can be a minefield sorting through those whom are genuine from the catfishers and liars. Also, it’s not wrong to hold out for your “dream person”. It’s perfectly fine to hold onto your personal standards. My wife and I both did. We didn’t meet until our early 40’s. We were fortunate to meet our perfect partner. People shouldn’t settle out of fear of being alone.
Personally, I've never had a problem with dating like getting a guy, but i had a problem with dating the right men. I used to attract emotionally unavailable men, insecure men who would project and controlling men. I kind of lost my confidence after a while, especially when those men found "happiness" in other women (they all got karma). The moment I accepted myself like MY beauty and my quirks, set strong boundaries, and got myself together from within, i met a great person.
I just stopped giving a damn about other people's opinions and approvals and stopped trying to mold and shape myself of what i thought was expected of me. The love, happiness, and validation i was searching for in a man, i found it in myself. It seems cheesey, but it's true.
Same. I get at least one or two men interested in me when I go out but most if these dudes aren't it even if they are attractive and have things going for them! I would find out how they don't know themselves very well or they have emotional issues they don't want to work on.
You found the secret to happiness!!!
Internal validation is all we need😊
I don't think this message is helpful because a lot of us already feel that way and still don't meet these 'great' men. At the end of the day it's just luck, i've met really insecure people who also secured great partners. This kind of narrative just fuels that the problem is us
@@Q-rj1qothat's the thing my message wasn't truly intended to help anyone by providing advice since one size doesn't fit all, but more to share what I've learned and the level I reached in my life. In my case it definitely wasn't luck.
@@Q-rj1qo I have been single for a year now and I find this to be good advice because no one can control 100% of their life so might as well make the best of it. We don't know what will happen so live life while you can!
Yup that's me! I always hated the story of the woman that just got out of a shitty relationship and all of a sudden she meets "Mr.Right" like 3 months later when she wasn't looking for a relationship....Like I've been single just waiting. When is this going to fianlly happen for me??
Literally my friend’s story of how she met her husband 😅 meanwhile I haven’t met anyone I would consider relationship with for 7 years and now I stopped wanting it or caring anymore because it’s been too exhausting
At some point in my life I felt same but it was more than just relationships, my whole life in my 20s felt like I'm dead and forced to watch everybody live their lives, getting their degrees, jobs, marrying, having kids while I couldn't get anything. Although I'm not much of believer I felt so bad I wished for god or whatever to show me what I'm supposed to do with my life, what's here for me, to show guidance. Then suddenly I get at least 2 serious men wanting to marry me, I picked closest and we got married and have children.
I've known so many people that met their SOs by just random when they weren't looking. Meanwhile, I'm working on myself being the best person I can be and nothing.
You ask that as if the answer isn't obvious. And it's pretty terrible to not be happy for your friends.
That’s what happened to me but I’m super hot. You gotta be attractive hehe
“Be careful who you share your story with” - YAASSS! Both personally & professionally, sometimes snakes be cuddling under you like teddy bears and you don’t know they’re snakes until they bit you👺
Not only that. Men will date you if they don’t like you or find you attractive and then cheat on you or be annoyed or like you are doing them a favor. Be single that ish is t worth it
Then come with the “you’re just normal his dream girl” bullshit. Like don’t date me and treat me terribly because I’m not the imaginary dream girl you can’t find
skill issue
I really love your takes, they're said with so much compassion and relatability....like calm in the madness of social media! Thanks Steph
Fr..💯
The best thing I've done is come to terms with the fact that it's not my time and surrender control. Some aspects are outside of your control---including but not limited to societal prejudice (especially if you're Black and gay like me ✊🏿🏳🌈), desirability politics, and the fact that you can't force someone to enter into a relationship with you. I've tried online dating and trying to meet people in real life. Each time, I've met with social inhibition in the forms of rejection and even overt bigotry. Instead of catastrophizing about my inability to find a romantic partner, I release and let go of control over all aspects of my life. I refuse to give myself deadlines to accomplish and simply live my life the best way possible.
Furthermore, another point I want to add is I wish people were honest about the difficult reality of romantic relationships. Romantic relationships aren't what they quacked up to be. Whether you're in a casual relationship or married, being in a relationship with another human being is hard. Some people aren't meant to be in a romantic relationship and that's completely fine. It's fine to be single and it's fine to be in a romantic relationship.
Blessings to y'all ❤
So well said all around!!
Preach.
I love your perspective. It is very liberating.
I so much relate to you, me now single woman 34yo. What I hate the most when people stay: stop trying and it will happen. Doesn't work that way
So true. Nothing comes just waiting around.
A lot of guys who comment on anyone's else's life (let alone the opposite sex/gender, which a lot of these guys just assume a lot about) are doing the same thing that people who believe manifestation is a real thing do. They refuse to believe that there is such a thing as chance, chemistry or things that are just generally out of our control. To be fair, it is not just dudes who do this but the men in particular who do it are toxic not only to the women they attack but the men they encourage to be toxic. A lot of them are 'red pilled' or incel-lite.
Generally when it comes to advice, (ironically) the more general and repeated it is the more apathetic the person is in giving that advice. They don't actually know why or how their advice applies, they don't care enough to actually figure out with you how to implement that advice or what it actually means for your specific situation and they probably don't even know what is actually fuelling their own success (dating or otherwise).
The only advice that can be generally given out without knowledge of a specific person's struggle is that the problem is never ever discreet. Meaning - your problems with dating will never be resolved by 'fixing' one specific thing. Something about how you and your environment are interacting is stopping you from being yourself; it is neither your 'fault' nor the place you are in but the relationship between those two areas that needs to be addressed. How? It's different and complex for every person because every person is different and complex. The first step is figuring out what you need - preferably with help from people who understand you and want the best for you.
I really don't understand why younger people put all their humiliation on the Internet. I'm not even going to talk about the BS that is manifesting. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
They’re looking for community in all their misguided wisdom.
@@rosedalinevaletine6931it’s more like their communities are actually online and not in person.
@@ccannon1 but there isn’t necessarily something wrong with this
@@TWForeeever idk if it’s right or wrong it’s just different to how I grew up 🤷🏾♀️
Exactly
Your standards and maintaining respect and compassion for yourself will always be more important than some man. Don't settle, because the only difference between being lonely alone and being lonely in a relationship is that there's a warm body next to you who hurts your feelings and disrespects you.
It’s not your fault Steph, love
Is luck and the majority of men are not husband material. You’re an amazing woman, love your videos ❤
But the majority of women are wives? I can admit that I am not a perfect husband type guy but can you do the same?
@@mateaukalua4426 most women are miserable in their marriages. Not everyone is a desperate pick-me.
@@mateaukalua4426 it’s always Jermaines fault 🤣
@@azraelfirstofhisname8695 🤣🤣
I don’t listen to many on UA-cam but YOU are one of my favorites! Top 3! I can listen to you all day because you have substance.
Who are your other two?
I need some good content to listen to/watch
Experience has taught me that it's not always "the next man I meet will be my husband", but rather, the next person I meet will be the connection through which I'll meet my husband.
Here's the deal: Sometimes the person you meet may not be THE ONE (for marriage), but meeting them could possibly be the perfect solution for another area in your life (real estate agent, ɓid wist partner, a fun "plus one" for your next holiday party at work. And sometimes, that person you've met online, could be 6 degrees separated from your husband/wife to be
There's been times where I felt sad about not having success in relationships. But when I observe the relationships of the people around me, I'm reminded why I'm single. I'm finding it rare that couples have a healthy relationship. All I see is baby mama/ baby dad drama, cheating, abuse (financial and physical), and people being together for the esthetic/ validation of others.
This soft makeup and peace shirt on you is 🧑🍳 💋
I’m sad you’re not making more video like these, bc I love them.
P.s. I’ve remove myself from the dating market, but I sure do enjoy content about it. lol.
Someone who has really shifted my perspective is Law Roach when he spoke about his belief that romance is not meant for him. Now I am agonized by my lack of romantic love, but when I look at what I TRULY prioritize is my path and dreams, because the truth is it is easy to settle for just anyone. And I refuse to do that.
Yes I may have high standards but I refuse to live a life that I am unsatisfied with. That is my cross to bare but I have struggled with major depression for a long time and now that I do feel I am in a better place I won’t put myself into despair with making choices based on what I’m “supposed” to.
Steph, I’ve been there. Wanting it too much all the way to my detriment, being too desperate for it. Your heart seems broken. I’m so sorry. I’ve just stopped wanting it at this point and it’s been so much easier.
I saw it said somewhere that women control sex, but men control relationships. When women are lamenting the state of the dating world these days, it’s generally not because they can’t find someone for some time in bed. Finding love and a committed relationship is a different matter.
@@WaterNai seems like many women can't accept the men that actually want them. They could find a partner, he just won't have the superficial aspects they desire.
@@ahmorgan I think it is a mistake to say that women only want certain “superficial aspects” in the same way that it is a mistake to say that men only want to date supermodels.
Finding love from someone they reciprocate the attraction towards and meet their standards. I dislike women simplify their dating problems to I just want someone to love me. When they forget the part, from someone I'm attracted to they're probably a decent amount of men who have a job, good personality and are willing to settle down but it's just from men they don't have attraction for. Thats usually the main issue.
And ATTRACTION is important for both men and women! The attraction shouldn’t be one-sided. Having a healthy sex life and intimate connection is also an important part of relationships. So, why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t feel that attracted to you?!
Love this discussion!!! As a WOC that has been struggling in the dating and have been invalidated so much, this video meant a lot ❤And agreed with the manifestation ideologies. Thank you for your voice and energy 💕🥰
I love how transparent you are. Life isn’t over at 40, there’s still time to meet someone! Everyone’s path is different!
The irony is the comment section lol is doing exactly what she’s saying not to do. I don’t know what the answer is…
my thoughts exactly. like ok fine we get it your friend's coworker's neighbor got married at 47, here's a cookie
Thank you! Blaming the person for not praying right, not manifesting right, etc. Like stfu people lol
What exactly are people supposed to do? I don't see where anyone is invalidating that woman's experience, nor Stephanie's. But people are naturally going to comment their only lived experiences with this issue, and what the ultimate remedy to that was. It can't be helped that what's being shared isn't the perfect solution to the hardships some people are having in dating. Like, what would you have people say? Because I'm pretty sure if people commented "Oh wow that's crazy, I can't relate but good luck!", you'd have a problem with that too, and call it insensitive.
I really don't understand the thought process behind not understanding that you cannot control people's reaction to what you decide to share with them. ESPECIALLY after sharing something intimate on Al Gore's internet, which has NEVER been anyone's loving shoulder to cry on. This is something young people (mid thirties and under) really seem to struggle with, and it might have a lot to do with why so many have problems relating to people in dating.
@@voyager451lol
@@voyager451I’m not sure I see an issue with that. They are being supportive and giving hope. Can you explain why it’s wrong?
You’re an amazing storyteller, as a 35 woman wanting a child I feel this deeply.
The men really are going to need to step it up. Researchers are finally starting to raise flags of concern and it’s global!
It's always the man's fault. This was said even 40 years ago. Women have been perfect forever even Eve in the Bible. It was Adams fault for letting her disobey God. And yes I am being sarcastic.
The men are either men or they are not. No inbetween here. You either provide or you don't. You take care of your offspring or you don't.
@@mateaukalua4426 Adam’s sin was lying to God and blaming Eve. Read Genesis again.
@@cecilyerker Right the woman can't ever be accountable for her actions. Like a child??
I'm not sure about that. There are many more men than women in the world, especially under the age of 50. I think women have the problem of over abundance.
I think the issue is that we're not used to seeing what a life truly looks like when you're self partnered. We've been blasted with couples, relationships, marriage when we've never really gotten to know ourselves. If we're not truly content alone how do we expect to be that way with a partner? I'm 31 and in my previous long term throuple I've been out of 1.5 years ago, i forgot how lonely being single was. I was miserable but wasn't ready to be single. We're not conditioned to be what we are, fully formed people and amazing in our own right. We've been done a disservice and believing that being single is for a season is some of the biggest BS ever. If you're vetting men properly, you should be single for awhile lol
I was kind of in a serious relationship 8 years ago. I have had friends now and again but they tend to fade away.
Yes!
Dating is hard for me as a nineteen-year-old black woman. I believe for me, it stems from my insecurities and experiences with ex-partners. For now, building romantic relationships is something I've temporarily given up on.
The best thing you can do for yourself at this age is to get your hair done, dress beautifully, and have fun!!!! Lift up your head. You're young. This is the time of your life! I don't mean to put pressure on you to enjoy yourself - early adulthood is tough! But please don't despair. The happier you present, the happier you will feel, and the more men will be attracted to you. Good luck, young lady. I'm rooting and praying for you!
Paso girl I can promise you that at 19, there’s little to no men that you are missing out on. Live, travel, focus on your studies and getting established financially and professionally, and you can revisit in your mid 20s when the men have actually started to mature
Guys perspective here
At 19....none of "us" are trying to "date". We,,,are trying to get our rocks off. Im not saying to join them, but to be aware of what to expect. if that floats your boat, then make sure and establish rules, and know when to nope the fuck outta there. But other than that, do not take things to seriously. Be safe. Explore yourself. This time of your life is more about self discovery than trying to find your forever partner. And also....find your "why"?
"why do i want a relationship?"
"Why do i crave intimacy?"
"Why do i want what i want?"
The sooner you make sense of that, the sooner you can look forward to building a long lasting relationship.
Stay safe out there.
@@kiim0 I appreciate a guy adding his perspective here in an informative way. 19-year-old guys are fun and all, but they're looking for something very different from 19-year-old girls. Unless you live in a conservative / traditional culture (I lived in a small city in Western Canada and knew many 19-year-olds that were getting engaged and married), you can trust that every guy you meet is just looking to sleep with you. Meanwhile, you're looking for romance and genuine connection. Once you understand what men want, it liberates you. You can relax and not mind so much if nothing's happening. Of course do your best to be attractive so you can attract the right man when he sees you. But please enjoy yourself and don't worry. I personally wasn't sexually active in college and boy am I happy about that! I was part of a small African community at a U.S. college and everyone knew who had slept with whom. No one can say that about me, though. And boy am I glad about that! I only regret not looking nicer and not being happier. But I was broke, going through a cultural shock and was depressed.
Nineteen?? Stack your money and deal with men (or don't) later!
I keep telling people that dating is not the same.... Especially if you dont fit "the look".
1. It never ceases to amaze me the wonderful job you do with your platform!! We honestly need more content from creators that have an audience talking about the opposite side of things for those of us who live it, but have no audience so essentially we don't exist.
2. Thank you for mentioning balance!!
Everybody isn't going to get everything! It's simply not possible. Some of us will HAVE to struggle and there should be room for those of us that aren't happy with what we're currently living through.
A lot of times I piss people off irl because I'm doing all the recommended things and I still don't have what I'm supposed to. It leaves the other person with nothing to say because it requires actual work to help someone like me and unfortunately that's not what the average person wants to do. They just want to put a bandage on a gaping wound.
3. We need to REALLY start talking about the damage women cause to other women. I think that's one of the hardest things about this entire subject. Women are invalidating each other! It's bad enough that men do it, but I think we kind of expect it. An we come to each other for empathy and camaraderie and don't get. I believe it just hurts more and makes the situation way worse.
4. Disabled people still aren't even really in this conversation, but we're out here too and that's another painful struggle. We stay invisible no matter how hard we try. Just like being a bit older (or plus size ) and having difficulty navigating dating, people who live with health issues need to be seen and heard more.
More than likely, it's gonna take someone who isn't disabled and has a decent size platform to speak up for us. It's one of the few ways we'll get validation because so many people forget we even exist.
I'm NOT saying you specifically. I'm just bringing it up as a small way to advocate for myself and others like me.
Your path in life is just that, YOUR path. I want folks to find their own way to happiness, no matter what that looks like. I'm tired of the narrative that their is only one way to be happy and I'm glad you brought up the invalidating of people's experiences in trying to find love and not getting perfect results. I remember that scene from SATC, but for me it was that moment when she said, "I've been dating since I was 15! Where is he?" Reality vs. Real life. I say find your path, make changes as needed, don't worry about what you can't control.
This is a big part of the problem for sure. Yeah, people desire and will want companionship. But why does your life automatically have to be “lesser” without it? We deserve more options of what a good and content life can be.
Steph have you considered doing one-on-one coaching or creating a community for single women? You are one of the very few voices that understands this kind of experience.
You always provide interesting commentary. As someone in a similar situation, I noticed my dating life changed for the better when I focused on the controllables.
If I go out the objective isn’t to meet a hot guy I have chemistry with. It’s to go out and have a good time and genuinely enjoy meeting and engaging with people. I’m not selecting engagement with others based on asking myself “could he be my husband”. I can’t control that, but I can control if I have a good time.
It’s not always easy, I’m an introvert, but this shift I think is critical for most women.
Uff, this is everything I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing your story/perspective. I’ve spent so much of my life trying it all and I really felt and connected in that moment where you talked about how you told your friend to shush and how of course you’ve wanted it enough and you’ve done all the studying about the babies and arrrrghhh - there’s just so much you said that I resonated with. It’s been a process rewiring the go-to conditioning that it’s all you and replacing that with it’s out of your control and everyone has their own path. Thank you for starting this conversation. This video has truly come to me at the right time and provided so much relief. Really appreciate you and your vulnerability and honesty.
Only 11 minutes. I need an hour.
EDIT: YAY, it's 30 mins.
Steph, you know just what to deliver what a girl needs it. Signed from a 31 year old woman who completely UNDERSTANDS the message of this video.
I had resigned myself to being single forever. I never had a father or a father figure. My mom never got married, and neither did my aunts (the women in my life). Nine years ago, at the age of 34, I met my husband through a dating site. At 38, we got married, and now we have two beautiful kids❤ don’t give up.
Fantastic video! Im glad you brought this up. Its very common especially when talking with other women. An issue that usually comes up for me is women thinking I dont desire dating because Im not conventionally attractive. They seem surprised when it comes up as if being ugly takes away the desire to date. It offends me still in my 40s. I love love and romance but dating never came easy.
When I bring this up, Im met with theres someone for everyone and but you're such a good person, funny, sweet, blah blah. It sounds like filler responses after a while.
Men and women are both superficial and will go for and stay for looks most of the time. Its difficult esp when a woman is unattractive and aging. From experience, the average person won't stick around thinking a dope personality will emerge from a ugly person.
Love the background and you are GLOWING
I relate to your videos on this topic so much. I've been single for at least 6 years. Its a wrap pretty much because I had a kid and I'm turning 40 this year. I was on tinder for over a year and nothing. I hear that men approach women like 10 times more than women approach me on tinder so women are supposed to have it so much easier. I'm like how? I also heard a story of how a woman got fed every night for like a year because she just went on dates and the guys paid. Not one date for me just offers for one night stands. No date. The crazy thing is that most of the people on my 600lb life are married or in a serious long term relationship. These people can't even wash themselves without assistance!
@zarinahzarif910 IKR! But then I look at some of these spouses and go "I really wouldn't want that," but it would be nice to have the option.
I struggle alot with beauty standards i hate being compared to other women pretty privilege is something I will never experience
Are you interesting? That counts as well.. Every woman can look well, it's called effort daily.
@@jessicahitchens6926 no looks is always first am not beautiful I have struggled with rejection since I was a teenager I just want to exist without beauty being used a metric to judge my human worth
STEPH. You are so damn intelligent and I Thank GOD for ur channel. U r absolutely right abt the importance of other ppl saying “me too” bc sometimes the burden no longer feels so heavy when ur not carrying it ALONE. Thank u for always speaking truth to power. This video made me think even more abt some of the things I’ve been DYING to say, but have suppressed bc of the reality that when ppl don’t understand, they gaslight, dismiss, minimize, etc. THANK U, STEPH. For real.
"And then, he robbed me!" 😂😂😂😂
I needed to hear this video today, I needed a witness. Thank you ❤
THIS!!!! I am a “conventionally attractive” woman and dating and finding “the one” is not an easy task. You may meet the right one at the wrong time or just not at all for a while. Men often think my looks is all is needed to find good partnership 🙄.
This society lacks compassion for others and are uncomfortable with ppl being REAL about their experiences especially if it isn’t a positive one. Nothing irritates me more than ppl who think THEY have some sort of inside knowledge to MY life experiences. You ain’t got the answers sway‼️‼️
Truth all around. Looking back I'm grateful that certain things that I desperately wanted didn't magically appear for me because it forced me to face fears, deal with shadows and freed me as a result. I honestly believe not everyone is ready spiritually or psychologically to confront the very painful realities of their lives not working out and by design aren't forced by the universe to live through those experiences. You, Stephanie, are so much stronger and wiser than anyone who "manifested" xyz trying to give you advice.
I’m in a relationship and my man and I are planning to get married next year. Before I met my man, dating was a nightmare for me. I can only imagine how hard it is for single women in 2024.
You are in your zone, your growth is so evident. Love you channel!
Its social media believe me it is. it was very easy to meet up and truly be social 20 years ago heck even 10 years ago. it has damaged society
Look at you, being a Trendsetter! That MOTHERLESS channel would probably not exist if you hadn't started your channel being so vulnerable! Keep doing/ being you!
I was surprised this video was by you! You look amazing. I missed your videos on dating. I felt so alone until I saw your videos. You're my comfort youtuber. What you say is what I think!
One thing I think about is how much value I bring to the world even if I don't have a husband. And I think, you bring so much value to thousands, hundreds of thousands of people. That means so much.
It can’t just be women searching for love and committed relationships. The problem is men not wanting and looking for the same thing. Millions of women looking for something very few men are looking for/ capable of. Be okay with other relationships. Pets friendships familial relationships coworkers peers etc. Some people aren’t gonna get that fairytale ending and that’s okay. Create your own fairytale
Respectfully, I think that is part of the problem. Too many of us women are looking for a fairy tale and that's not real life. Most women can find a good, decent man to love and respect them, but if there are no sparkles, bells and whistles telling us he is "the one" we dismiss it. Some women say "if it's not a fairy tale then I don't want it" which is why we live in a free country. Yes we can get love from friends and family, it's sad to think of women like Steph crying themselves to sleep. 😔
@@keptbygrace6221 I don’t think most women can. Not with the collective of men that are out here today. But that’s js my opinion
@@CaramelCrown04You are right that the collective of men aren't suitable for serious romantic relationships, but tbh neither are the collective of women (and I'm saying this as someone very biased in support of the female sex). The mistake we make is idolizing romantic love (not just desiring, but CRAVING), and wanting men to fulfill us in ways they were never supposed to (hint hint...but God can). Women, who not only pretty or put together, but also truly understand AND accept men's true roles (to protect, provide, and be a strong masculine presence) and if don't harp much on if they do or don't fall in love fare much better. If it does, ok🤷🏾♀️ if not, ok🤷🏾♀️... don't fight against it if he's a viable partner but don't force it either.
Men were never supposed to give us the fairytale ending or unconditional love. Just leadership and most importantly, a good, !!!easier!!! life (othewise,🏃🏾♀️💨)
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve wanted to date and get married for as long as I can remember, and I too have clung to stories of Hope that people have shared with me and I haven’t found my person yet. When I passed the age I thought I would be married (32) I asked myself would you still love your life if you didn’t get married? My answer was no. But then I realized that I needed to start visualizing my future differently because it will be a sad life to continue being unhappy only because of an unfulfilled desire. I am 36 years old and I’m still struggling to come to terms with possibly being single forever. it has helped me to see that I am very particular when it comes to who I allow in my circle so it makes sense why finding a romantic relationship would be even more difficult for me. it still breaks my heart when I see people find love, but it hurts a lot less when I hear that I’m not alone in the struggle of long term singleness. My hope is dwindling and that makes me sad because it’s my inner child’s dream, but I think that maybe hope needs to die out so that I can really make room the life that I have going for me.
When hope dies........acceptance can come in.
I met my ex husband after a 6 year situationship. I didn’t even know I was in a situationship back then…. So after I ended it. I said Lord, I’m ready for my Prince Charming. Ended up marrying a narcissist soooo it didn’t work out well. I’m 40 now like you still waiting for the right person.
The word narcissist is thrown around loosely. What did he do to make him a narcissist?
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLL 6 YEARS
I love how direct, informative and vunerable you are. Its refreshing to see someone be honest and I feel inspired by you!
Your message is so loud, resounding and refreshing.
This is doing something to my heart mayne!
I turn 23 next week and still haven’t had my first boyfriend or kiss yet. I’ve gone on a few online dates and it was not my cup of tea. I was very active in my community in college and have many friends who love me. Idk what it is and I literally don’t care anymore.
Not caring helps! The less you care about dating, the more you date.
@@honeybee2919that is so true seriously
I will be 31 in a couple of months. Went to churches meetup groups and bookstores. I have really tried. It's really hard. And as a man my standards are much lower than women's but I still have some.
finding love is just luck. I met my fiancé only beacuse he was in hospital in my city. So, had he not been ill we would have never met and I'd probably still be single today. Just luck.
I don't think people realise how much luck comes into it. I guess that means we're powerless.
I love to hear a full video commentary on unhelpful and annoying things people tell single people. Especially the kind of advice those who are in relationships or have been for a long time like to present to single people
People need to stop crying on the Internet. Talk to loved ones/friends/family, a therapist or journal. But please not the Internet because so many are going to judge and give their unwanted opinions and you may look back - regret and/or cringe at your vulnerability.
Maybe people are doing it BECAUSE they don't have friends and family to confide in.
I agree with you though. Some things should be kept private. I also wonder if being so open online actually extends the agony of that particular situation as there might be additional revenue in it.
@rejectionisprotection4448 I understand you, really I do. Not everyone has a community around them. But the Internet is not a safe space.
@@Kayla-kd8ov You're right; it isn't a safe place. It's not something I would do either. But for some people it's one way to be heard and receive validation, as well as an income.
@@Kayla-kd8ovthe internet can be. For all the comments where people are negative, there are people who resonate and can empathise
@@Kayla-kd8ovlet people choose that for themselves. Maybe you cant handle criticism from the internet and would be ashamed of being vulnerable but not everyone feels this way. This woman doesn’t at least so why should she live her life based on how another person would? What she shared can be validating and inspiring for someone and they needed to hear it.