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Do u have any videos breaking down the narcissist behavior of the *(Jewish state), seems to be a textbook case, especially the way they are getting away with their behavior, even in the presence of many experts in the field who afraid to speak out. Narcissist seem to thrive in that type of environment to wreck misery on their victims unchallenged? Thx.
I think that children of Narcissists never get to have an original attachment style to be broken. They have to learn something completely foreign to them in order to be healthy.
There's a 4th attachment style: "disorganized" and it's exactly as you describe becuase of abuse there's no common behavior that can be described and varies from person to person situation to situation
Right. I have a hard time trusting people after dealing with my narcissistic dad, especially men(no offense!). I trust hardly anyone because I expect to be abused as the narc abused/abuses me. Really sad. Some of his family are enablers/flying monkeys. He doesn't tell anyone the truth. Hardly anyone believes my truth v his lies. I won't lie to myself or others so he can feel superior. What a jackass! Then, he expects me to pretend he is a great father and say to people that he does nice things for me on a weekly basis. Not true. He has enmeshed me in inappriate ways(comments about sex, he would not stop inquiring or telling me about his sex life. I don't want to kow. On top of that, when I was 12 1/2, the verbal sexual abuse from him to me began, he threatened, bribed me not to tell anyone. And the worst phrase "You have no right to say no". Ow. I don't trust him and one of his brothers, they make sexual comments, jokes, etcetera. And their mother told me, when my uncle told me a sexual joke, I was 26, I am 60 now, when I complained, the grandmother enabled him by telling me "Have a sense of humor" Nothing about the joke/situation was funny. I felt betrayed! I trustr myself before I trust Dad, his brother. Really sad. That set me up for a lot of abuse from men, dating-wise. Then, I realized, "I can do better than these two assholes"! I prefer ignoring them than putting up (be a good sport, let it go). These last two things, said by the abusers, are said to keep me hurt, obedient, it hurts! I finally learned who I can trust. (Not the father, uncle, grandmother)! I feel a litte better after writing this. I won't be silent to protect Dad, his sick brother, either!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 The biggest lesson we learn from living with narcissistic parents in a toxic family is that we CAN’T TRUST ANYONE. Some people learn a lesson like this through divorce, when they find out their spouse has cheated on them or has been living a double life or mis-represented themselves before marriage. But when it’s your family, flesh and blood, that betrays you and you find out you were used and manipulated, but never loved…that is a deep wound that never heals.
You made an excellent points at 08:45. You ask, "Did you ever learn to trust yourself first?" BINGO! Most of us narc survivors didn't learn to trust ourselves at first because our feelings and thoughts were constantly minimized, invalidated, suppressed, or punished. There is emotional disregulation, too, so some survivors go on to become narcissists themselves or develop other personality disorders. That's key: learn to trust yourself. Learn yourself. Look at your feelings. Learn more about narcissism. Become stronger and more knowledgeable.
Your advice is good, but it's not easy task. I still feel so much anger, especially because this knowledge is relatively recent. Years of therapy didn't really help with most practitioners still unaware of these dynamics. I feel I wasted so much time, even if I'm grateful that I am finally learning to trust and love myself
My family never had any closeness,especially to me. They always avoided me and pretended I wasn't there,so now my attatchment style is the people pleaser,wanting someone to be dependant-needing of me
If only they would avoid me now like they did in the past. What adds insult to injury is that in the present day the only time I hear from my family is when they want me to do something for them or to ask for money from me.
I cannot get over how mean and stupid some of these families were. What an outrage. My parents were crazy, but they weren’t that crazy. At least they loved me in their own way and wanted good things to happen. My mom was very nurturing and caring. My dad was mentally ill. At least someone loved me.
Hopefully you don't go through what i did where I discovered how screwed up it is that my other parent actually didn't really care about me as much as they cared about the sick parent. What I thought was them "loving me" was them forcing me to be abused by the other parent because they were to afraid of being alone so both my parents ended up being awful and not realizing it for 20 years fucked up my whole world view
Becoming detached from myself was how I survived all the shaming and blaming, scapegoating and punishing, criticism and emotional abuse, the gaslighting and controlling I got from some of my family growing up. I've spent a lot of the last 40 years in and out of therapy learning to dismantle much of my childhood survival mechanism and evolving into self acceptance, without the need to keep all my vulnerabilities locked in a metaphorical cupboard under the stairs, pushing the odd lollipop through the keyhole when my internal screaming got too loud. I had built a brick wall around myself with no windows or doors, so nothing could get in or out, and I nearly died in that prison. Slowly and with help I have some good recovery from a lot of that false self I was forced into just to survive. I learned that I have a great capacity to love and when I learnt to love and respect myself I was able to share love with others in an unmeshed, non-dependent way. It's not perfect, but it doesn't have to be.
My heart goes out to you, and I can certainly relate. Bravo to you for taking the hardest path thru all the muck and finding recovery. I know I'll probably be healing the rest of my life. Hang in there and keep going, you can do it!!
@@spcmcpants Yes, the learning and growth continue every day. I have a strong commitment to God and trust Him to guide me towards my true path. I have been reborn to a sense of all that is sacred in life and to me, faith, hope and love are not just virtues but necessities to a life of healing.
@brennadickinson2920 I think the most important part is keeping that connection to that anchor of faith. It takes many forms, and it's the closest to my Self I've ever been.
The favorite singlings... they are prime narcissist material and can end up running the whole family like ringmasters in a circus, with parents becoming their loyal lawyers when conflicts arise. Some golden siblings run the entire family into religious cults, run the family into debt with their antiques, and even golden kids get away with abusive 1ncest, covered up like parents.
LOL... My attachment style to myself. Now there's a thinker! I've never liked what I see in the mirror, and I can not stand to hear my own voice, i.e. recorded and played back. Not much left to get attached to... The thing I do like about myself, and is a product of being raised by narcissistic parents, is I am well versed in multiple trades. This came about by my father constantly 'shoving my nose into' whatever I couldn't, or didn't know how to, do. Therefore, it became a priority for me to learn how in order to gain praise. As in turned out there was little of. I so wanted to have a hobby, or the like, he and I could share. Still to this day I'm searching for someone to hang out and be creative with that isn't simply looking for someone in the know to build the projects that THEY want or need done.
My attachment style is to NOT attach….. my sick parents mastered that one….divorce & multiple marriages both parents….& a sick covert narcissist sibling….Way to go mom & dad! Thx for the healthy upbringing…smh 😢🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Jerry your explanation of this is really helpful. I recently did my attachment style and (of course) was avoidant/disorganised. I’m now silently crying for all the relationships I screwed up ; including the one with myself.
I am going through the audiobook Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson. She mentions Bowen Family Systems a few times. I can see how my family plays out in this book and what I need to do to heal from it. I am glad I have resources like Jerry Wise's channel and the reference books he suggests.
Having narcissistic parents and 2 narcisstic sisters being the Youn one o went through the ringers But now I have to say I am so much better because first Both my parents are dead and I went no contact with my 2 sisters Not easy but a necessity to keep me sane and healthy I had no self esteem and was hating myself for all the guilt I was put in self injuring myself because my both sisters weee always putting me down and criticizing me Thanks god I am doing much better on my own Life and my strength taught me a lot So there is hope and thanks to you too
The only time our family actually spent time together, was at the supper table. I was late for supper and was grounded. I was around 15 at the time. As far as going places together, it never happened. My father hardly spoke to me. My other 2 siblings were never grounded. My father used to use the belt in a rage towards me. He never did that to my other siblings. Now that I am in my 60's, my siblings don't interact. This is such a good vid. You are the best.
It stays with us the past memories of our mistreatment in our formative years & yet the things that I don't want to forget are long gone from my memory bank. On the rare occasion that my mother would cook us a meal & we'd eagerly sit at the supper table in anticipation & then when we were handed our plate by mum & we'd thank her, she's respond by saying "I hope you choke on it" .......
Fantastic video! Building a secure attachment to ourselves is a huge part of self differentiation. When we're secure with ourselves, we're not going to get pinged by others as much. We're better able to validate ourselves internally. We're better able to meet our own needs. We set better boundaries. We trust ourselves more. We feel more secure as our Self.
Thanks again Jerry for continuing to make this content available. The easy, digestible chunks allow me to address the challenges I face today based on family of origin "stuff."
@@jerrywise So valuable. Thank you for all the work you put into this, to help us to emerge from the past of despair, into a true adjustment to ourselves and to life lived at peace with ourselves and the past.
My question is; why hasn’t anyone else written a book about this sooner? This is the core problem of the narcissist. They try to be close then push you away. I went through that for 15years. It’s a horrible feeling
I have alternated my whole life between an avoidant attachment style and an anxious attachment style. It’s really embarrassing; More often than not, out of shame, I catch myself being avoidant. I sometimes get panic attacks at the thought of even connecting with anyone on a small level. I get so uncomfortable being asked even basic questions about myself or my life because of all the toxicity I’ve had to deal with. Besides being raised by toxic parents, I was homeschooled, so I never learned how to be balanced socially. It’s still a struggle for me today at age 36. Knowing that my attachment style doesn’t define *me* is HUGE.
0:05 🏡 Narcissistic family impact on attachment style. 1:14 🔁 Narcissistic family dynamics affect everyone. 1:48 📖 "Attached" by Levine and Heller - three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure. 2:45 🤔 Attachment style sources: family of origin, genetics, life experiences. 3:30 🔁 Self-differentiation aids in moving towards a secure attachment style. 3:52 🔁 Anxious and avoidant attachment styles stem from enmeshment wounds. 4:56 🤝 Difficulties arise from unresolved closeness and autonomy issues in narcissistic families. 6:11 🔁 Secure attachment as self-differentiated, balancing closeness and autonomy. 6:56 🔁 Understanding attachment style aids in managing reactivity. 8:01 🔁 Attachment style ≠ true self; it's a learned process. 8:05 💪 Promoting a secure attachment by examining attachment with oneself. 9:01 🔁 Trust issues often originate from a lack of self-trust. 9:33 💻 Program in description for learning self-trust and improving attachment style. 10:03 🔁 Family differentiation leads to a new road of self-improvement. 10:13 👫 Learning and practicing a secure attachment style involves self-differentiation. 11:00 🔍 Observing family dynamics informs attachment style. 12:08 👐 Healing family-originated insecurities impacts attachment style. 13:03 🔍 Anxiety awareness and management contribute to a secure attachment style.
3:00 I read that book when it came out to try to understand what the hell was going on with my relationship dynamics. Finally finding your info & channel helps round out all the unanswered questions I had from identifying things such as attachment styles and where to go and heal from there.
My attachment style, from my Narcissistic family tree, was a disaster, due to many factors, when I was young no one measured up 4 my disapproving parents, didn't want me coming home pregnant, non communication with my disapproving sometimes short fused Dad was of no help, until after age28got better. My choices in men were not good, wouldn't want to spend a lifetime with. So? I've been told God gives us a lifetime to figure it out. Love/romance is why we get up, helps the world, even if just a fantasy is in my thoughts, lol.... How am I attached to me? better getting better, trust is a big thing with me. Divorced 2X's although caused hurt & heartbreak ,not a lot of regrets, I did have a wonderful time, mistakes & all. 2 adult kids, 3 beautiful dogs and a gorgeous cat, I am still very active & happy. I do believe I can make better choices these days. BTW love your advice Mr. Wise, thank you, kindly, you are of great help!
this resonated so much Jerry. you described so many difficult things in this and it all resonated. great full and appreciate all your work and insights.
😎Attachment style? Wow this is the first time i even heard about this term.This channel's content is great, Jerry is are professional psychologist Online✊💪👍.
Another excellent video clearly defining attachment styles, and how to identify & work on adjustments in one’s own approach in relationships w others in the name of striving toward self love & care. Bravo!!!
I really like that you reconfirmed my understanding that the way my parents treated me (and others) was translated into how I am treating myself (and others). I noticed at some point that I have a form of "blindness" and "amnesia" towards my own and others' positive traits that my father has towards me and other people (he is a suspected BPD with narcissistic traits). I partially healed it by making all sorts of mindmaps on my biography, personality, achievements etc to solidify my personality. But the progress in regulating my relationships with others is more modest. Probably because I need to self-differentiate _from others_ too. Now that I have found your channel I am trying to incorporate the family system dynamics more in the hope that this will resolve the remaining questions. Thanks for your work! I find your content insightful and insightogenic. :)
Thank you always for your ever helpful videos. We are all helped by your expertise and kind style. By the way, your shirt is very nice in this video: lovely pattern and very smart. 😊
@@supernova6553 I was severely depressed and went to therapy at 15 then I self diagnosed BPD at 16, I wasn't aware of my narcissism until some time later because I am vulnerable one so based on stereotypes I thought how I be a narcissist I hate myself? Later I was officially diagnosed with BPD and NPD
Also had severe anxiety and eating disorder from very young age so it forced me to therapy behavior problems and adaptation issues since early childhood really
@Vbms2258 my bad, yes it is. [comment deleted] What I mean is that criteria is a decade old and is set to be dropped from the next edition, as narcissism is personally traits rather than a disorder. I was too early to say it was dropped already, my apologies. Personally, I tend to take NEW research into consideration with any discussion to stay current on the topic. It's fascinating and a field of science that's always changing.
Balance masculine an feminine and then it works, it's the energetic relationship with what you are explaining and that's exactly what we all thrive to achieve even when not aware of it. Another good o ne~
Thank you, comforting to hear, so validating of the experience, and well understood. Love the natural process explained, start with self. Again, better understood…Take good care…🌺
And yet in time we can form much better connections. I'm in recovery from NAbuse through a combination of luck in finding good therapists and some indestructible core of myself that survived it all. My Mother was a great help to me although she was damaged and deprived herself having been orphaned aged 12. I loved her deeply but now I realise that she was avoiding attachment herself, but she was always loyal to all five of her children. I had the honor to to be there for her in her last four years of dementia, blindness, mini strokes and being bedridden, immobilised and mute in a nursing home. I went every day to feed her dinner and sing to her and protect her from any neglect or abuse.
Avoidant for sure. Mostly about “romance.” Biggest fear underlying things about that is prob not wanting to feel “trapped.” I am trying now to get my trauma brain to understand that “couples” can be both “together” and also have freedom and full on individuality. This doesn’t seem to bother me as much with other types of relations, as it’s not like some epic “til death do we part” kind of commitment. I just think about those vows. Ugh. Potential life sentence. And fact is (at least imo…I could be wrong) the men I meet “romantically” tend to be unable to allow women to sort of “be their own masters.” Either that or they neglect you or find some way to mostly have their way all the time. So I just keep on with my singleness for now. The song “You don’t own me” def comes to mind. Maybe I can find some rare needle in all the haystacks (even tho I really don’t try very hard at all lol) but until then yah. Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t tell me what to say…and so on. It’s MY life. I feel like I just now found that kind of freedom in my life and I don’t want to let go of it just to “have a mate.” I like how singleness affords me so much of I do what I want when I want and how I want. Last thing I ever wanna do is go back to things like coercion or guilt trips and manipulation. Esp not on such an intimate level as “marriage.” And also I don’t want trite flings either, as I’ve found in my own life that such things are futile and messy, often toxic and you just wind up getting used and also it takes away from my own self respect and often increases stress. I ain’t got no time for domineering men or selfish jerks or immature boys or having to bend it like Beckham for someone else or having to pull teeth to just be considered anymore. If I have to work that hard just to try and have basic equal human rights, then I don’t want any of it.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Amen...thats one of my main goals.
Do u have any videos breaking down the narcissist behavior of the *(Jewish state), seems to be a textbook case, especially the way they are getting away with their behavior, even in the presence of many experts in the field who afraid to speak out. Narcissist seem to thrive in that type of environment to wreck misery on their victims unchallenged? Thx.
I think that children of Narcissists never get to have an original attachment style to be broken. They have to learn something completely foreign to them in order to be healthy.
There's a 4th attachment style: "disorganized" and it's exactly as you describe becuase of abuse there's no common behavior that can be described and varies from person to person situation to situation
Right. I have a hard time trusting people after dealing with my narcissistic dad, especially men(no offense!). I trust hardly anyone because I expect to be abused as the narc abused/abuses me. Really sad. Some of his family are enablers/flying monkeys. He doesn't tell anyone the truth. Hardly anyone believes my truth v his lies. I won't lie to myself or others so he can feel superior. What a jackass! Then, he expects me to pretend he is a great father and say to people that he does nice things for me on a weekly basis. Not true. He has enmeshed me in inappriate ways(comments about sex, he would not stop inquiring or telling me about his sex life. I don't want to kow. On top of that, when I was 12 1/2, the verbal sexual abuse from him to me began, he threatened, bribed me not to tell anyone. And the worst phrase "You have no right to say no". Ow. I don't trust him and one of his brothers, they make sexual comments, jokes, etcetera. And their mother told me, when my uncle told me a sexual joke, I was 26, I am 60 now, when I complained, the grandmother enabled him by telling me "Have a sense of humor" Nothing about the joke/situation was funny. I felt betrayed! I trustr myself before I trust Dad, his brother. Really sad. That set me up for a lot of abuse from men, dating-wise. Then, I realized, "I can do better than these two assholes"! I prefer ignoring them than putting up (be a good sport, let it go). These last two things, said by the abusers, are said to keep me hurt, obedient, it hurts! I finally learned who I can trust. (Not the father, uncle, grandmother)! I feel a litte better after writing this. I won't be silent to protect Dad, his sick brother, either!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 The biggest lesson we learn from living with narcissistic parents in a toxic family is that we CAN’T TRUST ANYONE. Some people learn a lesson like this through divorce, when they find out their spouse has cheated on them or has been living a double life or mis-represented themselves before marriage. But when it’s your family, flesh and blood, that betrays you and you find out you were used and manipulated, but never loved…that is a deep wound that never heals.
You made an excellent points at 08:45. You ask, "Did you ever learn to trust yourself first?" BINGO!
Most of us narc survivors didn't learn to trust ourselves at first because our feelings and thoughts were constantly minimized, invalidated, suppressed, or punished. There is emotional disregulation, too, so some survivors go on to become narcissists themselves or develop other personality disorders.
That's key: learn to trust yourself. Learn yourself. Look at your feelings. Learn more about narcissism. Become stronger and more knowledgeable.
Your advice is good, but it's not easy task. I still feel so much anger, especially because this knowledge is relatively recent. Years of therapy didn't really help with most practitioners still unaware of these dynamics. I feel I wasted so much time, even if I'm grateful that I am finally learning to trust and love myself
my Sister & I studied Psych. in College & agreed on;
we were the Baby Monkeys on Barbed wire momma! Ouch!.!
My family never had any closeness,especially to me. They always avoided me and pretended I wasn't there,so now my attatchment style is the people pleaser,wanting someone to be dependant-needing of me
Same exact issues here. People pleaser all my life.
If only they would avoid me now like they did in the past.
What adds insult to injury is that in the present day the only time I hear from my family is when they want me to do something for them or to ask for money from me.
I cannot get over how mean and stupid some of these families were. What an outrage. My parents were crazy, but they weren’t that crazy. At least they loved me in their own way and wanted good things to happen. My mom was very nurturing and caring. My dad was mentally ill. At least someone loved me.
Hopefully you don't go through what i did where I discovered how screwed up it is that my other parent actually didn't really care about me as much as they cared about the sick parent. What I thought was them "loving me" was them forcing me to be abused by the other parent because they were to afraid of being alone so both my parents ended up being awful and not realizing it for 20 years fucked up my whole world view
@@kevinbissingeryea it’s mind blowing when you really pick it apart and accept the reality. Sad shit. God bless.
Becoming detached from myself was how I survived all the shaming and blaming, scapegoating and punishing, criticism and emotional abuse, the gaslighting and controlling I got from some of my family growing up.
I've spent a lot of the last 40 years in and out of therapy learning to dismantle much of my childhood survival mechanism and evolving into self acceptance, without the need to keep all my vulnerabilities locked in a metaphorical cupboard under the stairs, pushing the odd lollipop through the keyhole when my internal screaming got too loud. I had built a brick wall around myself with no windows or doors, so nothing could get in or out, and I nearly died in that prison.
Slowly and with help I have some good recovery from a lot of that false self I was forced into just to survive. I learned that I have a great capacity to love and when I learnt to love and respect myself I was able to share love with others in an unmeshed, non-dependent way. It's not perfect, but it doesn't have to be.
My heart goes out to you, and I can certainly relate. Bravo to you for taking the hardest path thru all the muck and finding recovery. I know I'll probably be healing the rest of my life. Hang in there and keep going, you can do it!!
@@spcmcpants Yes, the learning and growth continue every day. I have a strong commitment to God and trust Him to guide me towards my true path. I have been reborn to a sense of all that is sacred in life and to me, faith, hope and love are not just virtues but necessities to a life of healing.
@brennadickinson2920 I hear you. Detachment was my self-care regime too. So sad to think of all the wonderful relationships we missed out on. 💔
I lived this life word for word
@brennadickinson2920 I think the most important part is keeping that connection to that anchor of faith. It takes many forms, and it's the closest to my Self I've ever been.
The favorite singlings... they are prime narcissist material and can end up running the whole family like ringmasters in a circus, with parents becoming their loyal lawyers when conflicts arise. Some golden siblings run the entire family into religious cults, run the family into debt with their antiques, and even golden kids get away with abusive 1ncest, covered up like parents.
Secure attachment/self-differentiation is life changing and saving. It takes a ton of work, but it is so worth it. Thank you, Jerry!
But how darling?
LOL... My attachment style to myself. Now there's a thinker! I've never liked what I see in the mirror, and I can not stand to hear my own voice, i.e. recorded and played back. Not much left to get attached to...
The thing I do like about myself, and is a product of being raised by narcissistic parents, is I am well versed in multiple trades. This came about by my father constantly 'shoving my nose into' whatever I couldn't, or didn't know how to, do. Therefore, it became a priority for me to learn how in order to gain praise. As in turned out there was little of.
I so wanted to have a hobby, or the like, he and I could share. Still to this day I'm searching for someone to hang out and be creative with that isn't simply looking for someone in the know to build the projects that THEY want or need done.
My attachment style is to NOT attach….. my sick parents mastered that one….divorce & multiple marriages both parents….& a sick covert narcissist sibling….Way to go mom & dad! Thx for the healthy upbringing…smh 😢🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Every video just paints a clearer picture. So much truth on this channel. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words Kristin, I'm so glad to be of help.
Learn to trust in myself, if I want to learn to trust others. Brilliant. I see this 1:1 in my life actually.
Yes, I have recently realized that this is the void, the deep chasm in my life that only I can fill.
Any parent who says they'll do anything for their child is the perfect demonstration of a terrible parent.
Jerry your explanation of this is really helpful. I recently did my attachment style and (of course) was avoidant/disorganised. I’m now silently crying for all the relationships I screwed up ; including the one with myself.
I am going through the audiobook Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson. She mentions Bowen Family Systems a few times. I can see how my family plays out in this book and what I need to do to heal from it. I am glad I have resources like Jerry Wise's channel and the reference books he suggests.
Having narcissistic parents and 2 narcisstic sisters being the Youn one o went through the ringers
But now I have to say I am so much better because first
Both my parents are dead and I went no contact with my 2 sisters
Not easy but a necessity to keep me sane and healthy
I had no self esteem and was hating myself for all the guilt I was put in self injuring myself because my both sisters weee always putting me down and criticizing me
Thanks god I am doing much better on my own
Life and my strength taught me a lot
So there is hope and thanks to you too
The only time our family actually spent time together, was at the supper table. I was late for supper and was grounded. I was around 15 at the time.
As far as going places together, it never happened. My father hardly spoke to me.
My other 2 siblings were never grounded. My father used to use the belt in a rage towards me. He never did that to my other siblings.
Now that I am in my 60's, my siblings don't interact. This is such a good vid. You are the best.
It stays with us the past memories of our mistreatment in our formative years & yet the things that I don't want to forget are long gone from my memory bank. On the rare occasion that my mother would cook us a meal & we'd eagerly sit at the supper table in anticipation & then when we were handed our plate by mum & we'd thank her,
she's respond by saying "I hope you choke on it" .......
I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were little how can people be so mean to their own children😢 God bless you with peace and healing❤
They break you in so many ways many times over for your whole life 😮💨😔
13:25 Also my experience. I find myself in an awfull situation with my family..
Thank you for these videos.
You are so welcome, thanks for watching!
Hello Jerry. I think I need one and one therapy so how get I reach out to you?
This video is a gem and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you Jerry. ❤
I have no attachment style. I think that's because I never had any attachment with my parents. You live what you learn.
Fantastic video!
Building a secure attachment to ourselves is a huge part of self differentiation. When we're secure with ourselves, we're not going to get pinged by others as much. We're better able to validate ourselves internally. We're better able to meet our own needs. We set better boundaries. We trust ourselves more. We feel more secure as our Self.
Well said!
Attached is a good book. Great video Jerry.
Thanks again Jerry for continuing to make this content available. The easy, digestible chunks allow me to address the challenges I face today based on family of origin "stuff."
It's my absolute pleasure, glad you're finding it valuable :)
@@jerrywise So valuable. Thank you for all the work you put into this, to help us to emerge from the past of despair, into a true adjustment to ourselves and to life lived at peace with ourselves and the past.
My question is; why hasn’t anyone else written a book about this sooner? This is the core problem of the narcissist. They try to be close then push you away. I went through that for 15years. It’s a horrible feeling
I have alternated my whole life between an avoidant attachment style and an anxious attachment style. It’s really embarrassing; More often than not, out of shame, I catch myself being avoidant. I sometimes get panic attacks at the thought of even connecting with anyone on a small level. I get so uncomfortable being asked even basic questions about myself or my life because of all the toxicity I’ve had to deal with. Besides being raised by toxic parents, I was homeschooled, so I never learned how to be balanced socially. It’s still a struggle for me today at age 36. Knowing that my attachment style doesn’t define *me* is HUGE.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thanks for watching and commenting
0:05 🏡 Narcissistic family impact on attachment style.
1:14 🔁 Narcissistic family dynamics affect everyone.
1:48 📖 "Attached" by Levine and Heller - three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure.
2:45 🤔 Attachment style sources: family of origin, genetics, life experiences.
3:30 🔁 Self-differentiation aids in moving towards a secure attachment style.
3:52 🔁 Anxious and avoidant attachment styles stem from enmeshment wounds.
4:56 🤝 Difficulties arise from unresolved closeness and autonomy issues in narcissistic families.
6:11 🔁 Secure attachment as self-differentiated, balancing closeness and autonomy.
6:56 🔁 Understanding attachment style aids in managing reactivity.
8:01 🔁 Attachment style ≠ true self; it's a learned process.
8:05 💪 Promoting a secure attachment by examining attachment with oneself.
9:01 🔁 Trust issues often originate from a lack of self-trust.
9:33 💻 Program in description for learning self-trust and improving attachment style.
10:03 🔁 Family differentiation leads to a new road of self-improvement.
10:13 👫 Learning and practicing a secure attachment style involves self-differentiation.
11:00 🔍 Observing family dynamics informs attachment style.
12:08 👐 Healing family-originated insecurities impacts attachment style.
13:03 🔍 Anxiety awareness and management contribute to a secure attachment style.
Thank you for providing us with this list of main points. You did a lot of good work here. 🤍
@dame...
Thank you...this is so very helpful!
Yep, can you really trust yourself.
3:00 I read that book when it came out to try to understand what the hell was going on with my relationship dynamics. Finally finding your info & channel helps round out all the unanswered questions I had from identifying things such as attachment styles and where to go and heal from there.
Mine are still torturing me and I'm 31
I’m 51. They’ll torture you your whole life if you allow it!
It's a life term thing
Get out or go no contact. It's the only way. They get worse as they age.
It took me til around that age to go no-contact. The torture won’t stop… please trust me on this. You can’t win.
I really needed to hear this, thank you
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for watching
I hope you do a 30 minutes videos every once and a while.
Me too! He has such wisdom!😊
Another outstanding teaching Jerry. You explain it so clearly. Your methodical speaking rythym and speed is so appreciated👏👏👏
I appreciate that!
This is exactly what I've been dwelling on lately
My attachment style, from my Narcissistic family tree, was a disaster, due to many factors, when I was young no one measured up 4 my disapproving parents, didn't want me coming home pregnant, non communication with my disapproving sometimes short fused Dad was of no help, until after age28got better. My choices in men were not good, wouldn't want to spend a lifetime with. So? I've been told God gives us a lifetime to figure it out. Love/romance is why we get up, helps the world, even if just a fantasy is in my thoughts, lol.... How am I attached to me? better getting better, trust is a big thing with me. Divorced 2X's although caused hurt & heartbreak ,not a lot of regrets, I did have a wonderful time, mistakes & all. 2 adult kids, 3 beautiful dogs and a gorgeous cat, I am still very active & happy. I do believe I can make better choices these days. BTW love your advice Mr. Wise, thank you, kindly, you are of great help!
Hello mama, hello papa, here we are at, camp cptsd-ah.
Massively
That’s a polite way to put it.
this resonated so much Jerry. you described so many difficult things in this and it all resonated. great full and appreciate all your work and insights.
I'm so glad to hear that it was helpful to you - thank you for your kind feedback!
😎Attachment style? Wow this is the first time i even heard about this term.This channel's content is great, Jerry is are professional psychologist
Online✊💪👍.
Thank you. A former codependent here. It resonates with me.
Very very interesting! If you where raised not boundary it is very logical that you develop an evasive attachment style. MY CASE!
Yes, exactly! My 12-month 'Road to Self' program will help you with just that - feel free to check it out.
WOW. I never thought about that before. Thank you.
Another excellent video clearly defining attachment styles, and how to identify & work on adjustments in one’s own approach in relationships w others in the name of striving toward self love & care.
Bravo!!!
I really like that you reconfirmed my understanding that the way my parents treated me (and others) was translated into how I am treating myself (and others). I noticed at some point that I have a form of "blindness" and "amnesia" towards my own and others' positive traits that my father has towards me and other people (he is a suspected BPD with narcissistic traits). I partially healed it by making all sorts of mindmaps on my biography, personality, achievements etc to solidify my personality. But the progress in regulating my relationships with others is more modest. Probably because I need to self-differentiate _from others_ too. Now that I have found your channel I am trying to incorporate the family system dynamics more in the hope that this will resolve the remaining questions.
Thanks for your work! I find your content insightful and insightogenic. :)
Awwe, thank you very much! ❤️
Nice 👕 shirt! Thank you for info. Sharing🎉
Thanks for watching!
Thank you always for your ever helpful videos. We are all helped by your expertise and kind style. By the way, your shirt is very nice in this video: lovely pattern and very smart. 😊
Explained with such clarity and insight. I appreciate all of the thought and work that goes into these presentations. Thank you.
Im a diagnosed NPD and love watching ur videos, my dad is undiagnosed NPD as well
how did it come to be? what was the trigger for you?
@@spcmcpantsNPD is in DSM-V.
@@supernova6553 I was severely depressed and went to therapy at 15 then I self diagnosed BPD at 16, I wasn't aware of my narcissism until some time later because I am vulnerable one so based on stereotypes I thought how I be a narcissist I hate myself? Later I was officially diagnosed with BPD and NPD
Also had severe anxiety and eating disorder from very young age so it forced me to therapy behavior problems and adaptation issues since early childhood really
@Vbms2258 my bad, yes it is. [comment deleted] What I mean is that criteria is a decade old and is set to be dropped from the next edition, as narcissism is personally traits rather than a disorder. I was too early to say it was dropped already, my apologies. Personally, I tend to take NEW research into consideration with any discussion to stay current on the topic. It's fascinating and a field of science that's always changing.
Balance masculine an feminine and then it works, it's the energetic relationship with what you are explaining and that's exactly what we all thrive to achieve even when not aware of it. Another good o ne~
Thank you so much for everything you do, sir.
You are very welcome
Thank you, comforting to hear, so validating of the experience, and well understood. Love the natural process explained, start with self. Again, better understood…Take good care…🌺
Thank you. This was helpful
You're so welcome!
Is this why I don't feel anything when a person hugs me anymore
I am glad to see this…
I would say that I have the avoidant attachment style with me..
And yet in time we can form much better connections. I'm in recovery from NAbuse through a combination of luck in finding good therapists and some indestructible core of myself that survived it all.
My Mother was a great help to me although she was damaged and deprived herself having been orphaned aged 12. I loved her deeply but now I realise that she was avoiding attachment herself, but she was always loyal to all five of her children.
I had the honor to to be there for her in her last four years of dementia, blindness, mini strokes and being bedridden, immobilised and mute in a nursing home. I went every day to feed her dinner and sing to her and protect her from any neglect or abuse.
@@brennadickinson2920 I had many examples of how others would avoid/abandon/neglect to learn from..
Very interesting and usefull, thank you !
Glad you liked it!
Great video Jerry! 🎉🎉🎉
Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for watching!
Love your videos Jerry 🙏
Makes sense!
I love more short videos, I get the point much better in short video up to 20 mins
Can you please do a video about "disorganized" attachment? It's a cross between "avoidant" and "anxious". Most books don't list this.
Disorganized is also relevant to this video. You can replace the word avoidant or anxious with disorganized. The core message is the same
Avoidant for sure. Mostly about “romance.” Biggest fear underlying things about that is prob not wanting to feel “trapped.” I am trying now to get my trauma brain to understand that “couples” can be both “together” and also have freedom and full on individuality. This doesn’t seem to bother me as much with other types of relations, as it’s not like some epic “til death do we part” kind of commitment. I just think about those vows. Ugh. Potential life sentence. And fact is (at least imo…I could be wrong) the men I meet “romantically” tend to be unable to allow women to sort of “be their own masters.” Either that or they neglect you or find some way to mostly have their way all the time. So I just keep on with my singleness for now. The song “You don’t own me” def comes to mind. Maybe I can find some rare needle in all the haystacks (even tho I really don’t try very hard at all lol) but until then yah. Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t tell me what to say…and so on. It’s MY life. I feel like I just now found that kind of freedom in my life and I don’t want to let go of it just to “have a mate.” I like how singleness affords me so much of I do what I want when I want and how I want. Last thing I ever wanna do is go back to things like coercion or guilt trips and manipulation. Esp not on such an intimate level as “marriage.” And also I don’t want trite flings either, as I’ve found in my own life that such things are futile and messy, often toxic and you just wind up getting used and also it takes away from my own self respect and often increases stress. I ain’t got no time for domineering men or selfish jerks or immature boys or having to bend it like Beckham for someone else or having to pull teeth to just be considered anymore. If I have to work that hard just to try and have basic equal human rights, then I don’t want any of it.
Can a sibling becomes a narcicisst even with loving and normal parents ? Thank you
How do you figure out how you’re attached to yourself?
Thank you for watching
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
❤😊
Thank you for stating this and explaining it ❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon
🎉not the best camera angle for you. Your other previous ones are good/ better 🙏🙏
🐝 🦉 💞