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I admit that I have done almost all of these adaptive behaviors during my formative years and some of them still linger. Listening to you is very freeing Dr. Wise. Thank you for this video, it’s one of your best because you basically described my life and I’m sure the life of many others.
Jerry, you must have grown up with my dad. Walking on eggshells and getting belittled and shamed as a way of life. I faught it (but submitted) the whole way. I was a strong (adopted) child.
I still staying up late, bcs that is my safe time to rest and have peace. Somethimes i don't sleep at all just to hear the silence, to be in peace, alone and to rest.
I am in my 30s and unfortunately still live with my toxic parents now in their 70s -- I still do this. I stayed up to 7am just listening to music. I have to reclaim my sleep cycle and life, as the youngest my older siblings have basically abandoned me to be principal care taker. I can't move out yet due to financial struggles. Living with dysfunctional families is truly hell.
@@taliajournee212We have similar experience, still working on it, my sleeping pattern become terrible and left bad influence to my mental and physical health. Save yourself if you can.
Finding the balance of not distracting myself completely as if everything is fine, while also not getting triggered by this to where I can't function or be happy is a difficult balance.
Reading comments helps for me but also triggering. Knowing there are so many hurted and damaged souls bcs of bad parents 😢 make me so sad, but at the same time i don't feel alone on this planet anymore and like black sheep or alien.
The amount of times I hid to cry... because if I was caught crying I'd be punished for it, or there would be uncomfortable questions I would struggle to answer.
Wow 😮! I did ALL OF THESE BEHAVIORS as a kid. I started having symptoms of OCD at age ten. I knew when it was okay to talk and when it wasn't. I tip toed around our house for years. I read voraciously. Sooo exhausting!! But not anymore! I'm a Truthteller and will remain as such until I die!
I also escaped into reading. And I also became a truth teller. I think those two things were positive adaptations. Some of the negative adaptations I adopted were fawning/peace maker and pathetically over explaining myself...and escaping by being sick or locking myself in the bathroom or closet and, when I was older, escaping into romantic relationships that weren't any healthier than my family life.
Is this hinting that all parents are on some kind of spectrum of narcissism over family science and the economy - they have all these worker's etc, they just walk out build families don't really help.. apparently i just sat in the corner half my life, biked around or skated around .. im just some guy
All of these. I did them. We weren’t allowed to lock the bathroom door while we were using, even in our teen years. If we did, and either parent discovered a locked door, they’d bang on it and yell “unlock this door!” We were allowed zero privacy.
I spent hours each day in the barn with the cats. I also read 5 books at a time in order to keep my mind occupied. At 67, the light stays on at night and I sleep during the day.
Having ADD, I was always called a dreamer - negatively. My whole wall was covered with pictures of Germany and Ireland. Doing two degrees in Piano Performance in Germany, made my dream come true. Today I have concerts on my Irish Harp and playing whistles to German public. Just the other day, I realised my escape dream became my reality.❤
I am 75 and still do some of these behaviors--I could check off almost every box- being a single child I was on my own.. it wasn’t until I was in my 30’s when a Psychologist told me “You will never make your mother happy”- it sunk in- but so much hurt still lingers - still wishing for a mother I NEVER had
I am going on 78 and still struggle every day with haunting memories of using these coping behaviors to avoid the impact of family drama. When I find myself coping in the same ways in a similar situation today, these coping behaviors are taken to be cowardice, maladjustment, even evidence of juvenile mental/emotional state. So I try to practice normal back and forth give and take, but I've never done it before, and it confuses people. What a mess!!! The only consolation is when I notice others struggling with similar issues.
@@---kx1xc I agree- I can still remember when I was around 6 yrs old- seeing other kids in Kindergarten- praying for a family that wanted me-getting attention when I visited my friends home but never inviting them to mine
@@edwardgreacen1833 - please know this “YOU are not ALONE”- Here I am- still fighting to be me-what is really bad is when your own son has inherited his grandmother genes and is also a narcissist- I was trying to deal with him(as a man) as I had done with my mother- again I learned that “I could never make him happy “ We are good and caring people- a little messed up-but mainly we are not like the people who took satisfaction on hurting us. Take care🙏🏻❤️
I am an only child too, and many of these things stuck out to me. I'm 42 now, and just had my first child with a very wonderful woman. I love my parents, they weren't really abusive per say, but they had a lot of these narcissistic tendencies.
I used to bite my nails when I was living with my parents growing up but when I moved out and I moved to another state I no longer do some of the things that I used to do hell I want even visit them.
I envied on my friends parents so much. Her parents were quiet, mature, careful, respectful, in their home never was drama. I still envy, she become independent healthy adult individual.
Try reframing envy to gratitude ❤ Gratitude that you had someone to give reprieve from your own family, and gratitude that they showed you how peaceful life can be ❤ It may be helpful! I know it's difficult, I grew up with similar feelings. Cultivate peace for yourself, break the generational trauma..that's what keeps me going ❤❤
@@MoonlightDivinityYes- reframing is so vital to healing from these toxic families. Takes people a very long time to get there, though. I hope the commenters re- read your comment.
You will be shamed and guilted for having needs. Made to feel like an undeserving burden. Criticized, shamed, belittled, neglected, guilted, emasculated, infantilized, ostracized, humiliated, abandoned...... We have to be a human pretzel to be in a hyper-vigilant state of fluid adaptiveness to bob and weave around the negative attention of the mean-spirited a-hole parent(s).
I can relate to your comment in the fullest. Feeling like everything you are and do is unbearable for the people you look up to, love, and depend on drains you and wears you down over the years.
“Reading their moods”…. Oh yes. Constantly. Never stopped because lots of danger if I didn’t. Also 100% about the not sharing my opinion (I now am in my 50s and only now discovering my opinions). I feel compassion for this child in this house.
I would have been hit if I did that. I learned to stay quiet and never say anything. My father called me into his office one day when I was a senior in high school. He growled at me saying, “You are going to pay me back every cent I have to pay for you to go to college!” I just turned and walked away. Both of my parents were well educated people. I had always admired my grandmother who was a legal secretary so I decided to apply to business school in the same city where she worked. My grandmother paid my room and board at the local YWCA and my mother took me to stay there. When she dropped me off she looked very upset but I just try said, “goodbye” to her and she left. Later my grades were so good that she and my father called and wanted me to go to college since it was determined that we students could get credit for th he classes we took at a nearby college and we could get our Bachelor’s degrees in 2 more years. I remembered what my father said to me and I didn’t want to be under his control anymore, so I refused. I admit I had some jobs where I was very happy and some were not so great so I moved on. One job was amazing and I don’t think I would learn nearly as much if I had gone to college. Today money is tight but I have 2 wonderful children and some grandchildren. I am at peace.
@Mel_Marec- holy smokes!- great comment. You just articulated another piece coming together for me about me. I'd get so angry and practically try to hurt the source of pain to make that source. just... STOP. Make it stop!!!!! And that hurt my heart do much to do that, coming to way more awareness now and I am highly valuing oxygen where these things are unearthing. My word, thank you for putting those words down. 🙏💜
For me, the smiling thing was opposite. If I looked too happy, it would trigger the narcissists, so I actually learned to automatically hide smiles. I had to consciously relearn that later in life. The first smiles looked really weird.
My spirit animal is the clam I have always, always, always hidden my pearl from them. I filter the muck and put out pearls for those I feel I can open up safely to. Also, go find a video of a clam swimming it’s adorable.
I loved reading books, but was not allowed because the narc could not get along with helpers, so I was her slave. So I climbed to the top of a huge pine tree and read my storybooks there.
I think tree-climbing was one of my favorite coping behaviors. Once you were up the tree, they couldn't find you. I'd forgotten about this - thanks for sharing.
YES!!! They could never find me, at the top of the wonderful pine tree behind the house, my favorite place. It had split into 3 branches at the top. A cushion and a book was escape. They'd come out and holler for me, I was close. But they never looked up.
This excellent information is very hard for me to watch because it brings up so much emotion that I've stuffed down for all my life and still do! Thank you!
After decades of both my parents telling me they wished I was someone else, and that everyone was better than me, my mother doesn't understand how I can be so extremely selfish and refuse to move back home to look after her (dad has long since passed). She even says it's been years since she has seen me. That's because after 2-3 days into a visit, she remembers how much she hates me. The thought of seeing her fills me with panic. In my 60s. Of course, everyone else thinks my parents are just wonderful.
@chickentender4037 - dry sardonic laugh at you being called "selfish" in this context. That's awful and cluuuueless, and(I hope you see this) I am sorry they do that. I SO validate your space in not visiting, and deeply hope you gain encouragement and more of yourself back wih these videos. 😊
I am glad I found out about narcissistic dysfunctional family “terminology”…Believe me it’s been 14 years and I have tried to stay immersed in books, videos for relaxation, I stay up at night sleep in mornings, and I can not get rid of this feeling… I can tell people behaviour with their body language. I remember 1 year I didn’t talk, but had to talk because the house won’t be functional without even when I was a child. Cried in secret, never told a friend, used to rehearse conversations, smiled to show, I don’t show talent, work in silence, my channel name is self sufficient, I type long test, I help children for free… etc. you have no idea how it is to listen to these videos my heart rate gets so high! I don’t know what I will do after knowing all this… I knew of course.. I was wise, but to listen to all this as if it’s real… Amazing Mr. Jerry, your hard work will pay
At 16, I went to work at a restaurant washing dishes to avoid interaction with my toxic family. I got a solid meal each day at work. It was a poor life choice- I ended up dropping out of school, but I didn't know any better. Id hoped my father would have died in his 50s, but he lived another 29 yrs. I found solace in weight training.
Thank you, Jerry, for validating how the extreme dysfunction and toxicity of my family structure affected me in vastly unhealthy ways. It’s as if you had a lens into my childhood. Your words and insight are a lifeline as I work to break free of the role and bonds imposed, discovering who I truly am.
This really hit home for me. I adapted many of these behaviors as a child. A full blown narcissistic mother, and stepmother, kept me hiding away and staying out of their line of fire. Thank you for sharing 💜
I was 70 when the truth came through! God set me free from all the toxic junk. Realized she wasnt going to change and thete was nothing I could do to make her love me with true REAL love.
When I had my first daughter, the unconditional love I felt for her and how excited I was to see who she was made me realize how wrong it is for your parents to not love who you are as an individual.
Where have you been all my life Mr. Wise😂? I can vouch for all of these. On my way to super healing! To all the narc abuse survivors, you’re not alone, we got this! Plus you got the added advantage of insight into the human soul. Blessings!
Books and multitudenous sketch pads...got me through home life... And babysat for a very successful Tupperware lady. She set a great example for me. Thank you, Pat❤
My sister and I feared when our mother was getting home from work, we would rush around and get things just right, if she walked in and saw anyone was having too good a time, if anyone was a little bit too happy or having fun, if anything was out of place or if she smelled food from someone cooking, even if you cleaned up,(which we always did)….RIP, incoming screaming match and insults and absolute madness. It’s always about her, nobody works harder than her, nobody has as much stress as she does, the list goes on, she would lie to our grandparents and tell them things to get them to feel sorry for her. We all were her emotional discharge tools, no one else could ever have any problems or struggles but her. Thank you for these videos, they help me understand the subconscious things I had no idea about for the past 10-15 years.
I still have to smile all the time around my father (then as a child and even now as an adult). Otherwise he will pick on me and say I look sour etc. This is very tiring emotionally and physically. Exhausting.
It's really difficult to wear a mask all the time I am in a similar situation, they cannot stand seeing me happy at all They used to criticize me, used pick a fight, tell people that they suffering because of me and I am the one who is unaffected, unbothered and happy They can't stand seeing me happy both of narcissist parents
My psychologist told me “YOU will NEVER make your mother happy” Sadly your smile will never be big enough or come fast enough for your father - but there will come a day when you tell your dad-“Don’t expect me to smile today-I am having a totally SOUR day”and change subject…. Take care🙏🏻❤️
@piku8700 I certainly can relate to your experience. I was always the 'bad' child who caused so much grief. But away from them I was happy. Coming home always carried this anticipation 'what's going to come down on me now ?!' Anyway, they're all dead now, so I'm free, really
@piku8700 what are the ages involved? I'm 62, one day I thought, what's gonna happen if I don't do what they say? I have my own house and job. My parents don't supply me money. When they don't have anything I need, I discovered I don't have to do what they say. What are they gonna do? Take away my birthday? Jerry says you're not responsible for their 'happiness'.
I always stayed up late, distracted myself by reading books, messy room meant giving up, and most of all saying sorry. The hobby was electronics and this gave me a very lucrative career which made me hated by the rest of the family. Even if you never lived in an alcoholic family and you lived with someone mentally ill, Alanon can help you. I grew up eating in my room. I used to spend a lot of time a friend's house's pretending I was a member of a normal family. I was always surprised by the normal families upset over little problems. Anyways you nailed it, you know me.
I didn't know until this moment that narcissism was a thing and that other people experienced living like this. You have described my childhood perfectly and I identified with Every Single Point. It's incredible how this type of experience forms the decision making behaviours we have as adults. I hope I can unlearn some of these habits. It is tiring and lonely being on an island.
@gadogado4468 - if you see this, wow, what a crazy profound moment to realize all of this. Bless you, truly, as you assimilate, digest and I hope are able to move forward in a deeply healing way. 🙏🕊
I am 74 and I am free from it! I fulfilled my obligations to my parents and they are gone. Live in peace! One thing I did was consult a psychic. This really happened! My mother spoke through her and said that she and my father were sorry for how badly they treated me. Awhile after the session I was able to forgive my mother for her part in it. Since my father never came forward, I cannot forgive him but I am not going to let him control my life from the grave. I am now happy and actually look forward to the day when I can embrace her and my sister in Heaven. I think that they are aware of my grandchildren and how much I love my children and grandchildren.
I understand you. But it's never too late, this is self limiting beliefs you choose to have because alternate to it in your belief is "worse". You have one life. You are strong, free, independent and able to create anything.
I’m 70 1/2. It’s SO much to take in. This video is one of about 40 I’ve seen along this genre of CPTSD. MY therapy sessions paid for by a new program with United Health Care, started about 2 years ago, with depression. Then, as sessions grew from once every other week to weekly, I was asked about my parents. I’ve on,y been at this for a year I’d say, confronting the Narcissistic Parents Abuse. Let’s take a situation I’m in with maintenance at my apartment. Because MY 🤬🤬parents raised me so poorly on how to deal with “problems” I have a serious issue with Dealing with Authority AS AN ADULT. I’m learning QUICKLY, I might add, that is not a good thing to FEEL when you walk into an office to speak with the building manager. Can you guys see that.❓❓how THEY set me up for that type of behavior. GUESS WHAT‼️‼️❓❓THATS ALLLLLL IT IS‼️‼️‼️ A BEHAVIOR.😮 I see a different calmer normal way NOW that I’ve been in therapy, read some books, use some calming techniques and WATCH THESE VIDEOS…. It’s like water to a dry house plant. You can almost see the leaves move. THATS what you are missing out on. Being able to walk in an office, smile. Say hello, my name is Jane Powell, and I’d like to discuss a maintenance issue with you. Before I would stress out like 🤪😳🫣😵💫🥴🫠meltdown. Going over stoopid scenarios that NEVER HAPPENED in my head. Tired frustrated and my claws half out before I locked the door and go to the office. That’s no kinda way to LIVE. Did anyone else have a difficult time with admitting to themselves what vicious, cruel, hateful, arrogant self centered bastards and bitches OUR parents were❓❓🤬🤬🤬 I truly did. My mom was a Sunday school teacher and community pillar. My dad, X marine, mechanical genius, could fix every one else’s car in the neighborhood but, rag me about checking the oil in “that car.” See, little things like “that car” didn’t register UNTIL I got to that point, admitting what MY parents did TO ME. So, sure as an adult, it’s difficult to look back and say, “they never knew ME, and they never really cared to.” Seriously, I have made great strides here this last two years. Sometimes say 7-8 months ago even, I’d load up 5-6 of these 15 minute videos like Jack Wise here, Therapy in a Nut Shell is also GREAT, PSYCE TO GO is also another great one, and listen to them for like 2 hours. You must view them as The Borg. Then, the message can just bathe over your mind and gently push that crap away. You dedicate yourself to doing that alone, once a month even, and change will come. You have to CHOSE TO BEHAVE IN AN OPENMINDED WAY. Change comes a lot easier then. Less crying. Less down time. Learn more, and able to make the choice to act behave like the new information says we should have been TAUGHT to act by our no good sabotaging parents. Take back what is rightfully yours. Watch the videos. Self care. And Resistance is FUTILE. I’m not going back to that sniveling, winey child. Never sure of herself. What I needed. Couldn’t see what I had. All that. Let the free videos give you a mental bath. Gentle cozy sometimes. And a few times the tube will over flow and then the floor gets wet and the cartoon ends with the tub and you falling through the ceiling into someplace else…😆🤣😂come on. Laugh today, even a little bit. Cry tomorrow. I hope someone reads this and it helps….Jane 🥳
I got lucky, I played piano, lessons were paid for my kind Aunt. Got high marks in piano exams, so I practised music for hours after school. And was left in peace then
I thought parents being nice and doing things or prioritizing kids was them being spoiled. Helping with homework, spoiled, snacks they liked, spoiled, encouragement in their interests, spoiled, etc
I knew counseling worked the minute she gave me a solution to an issue fast. Reasoning: if she had a quick, right, answer that meant she had heard this issue before. If she'd heard it before that meant others experienced this issue too. If others experienced it, then I wasn't the weird oddball I'd been told I was. My first step toward healing.
The coping behavior I most identify with is immersing myself in a hobby. Although I leaned toward arts and music, I didn't have a place to practice either one in my original family system. If I tried to draw, for instance, I would be ridiculed by my mother or brothers. Music-making was reserved for my golden child and scapegoat brothers. It was considered challenging their authority in the family system to play music, so that had to wait. In the meantime, I took up model-building. During the making of a model, they left me alone. But when it was finished, they would judge it. And often, break or burn it. So my models had a short shelf life. My best model was a wooden motorboat - maybe 22-24 inches long. It turned out beautiful. It lay around for a long time before I eventually trashed it - you know, finished the job. I studied engineering in college, and went on to make it a career. Eventually turned into commissioning complicated building projects, such as data centers. I enjoyed leading a team of highly skilled contractors who shared my interest in overcoming obstacles to complete a project. In my second marriage - during my free time, I built a strip canoe and brought it to the Boundary Waters and Itasca with our two children camping and canoeing. It has lasted for 35-40 years and has undergone numerous makeovers. When my daughter and her husband bought a house, I gave it to her - she was the creative one, and has two kids of her own.
For me, the escape was locking myself in the room playing the guitar for hours, or draw. The “keeping your room spotless” really hit home for me. I also stayed up way past my bedtime a lot, I never knew why until I watched this.
Years ago, I had a boyfriend that I was deeply in love with (He was a classic narcissist, I figured that out later, too late in fact) I was so devastated by him breaking up with me, I went to counseling. One of the therapists gave me an assignment to write the story of my life. I did it thinking it would be 5 or 6 pages. Once I started to type, the writing poured out of me and it was very long, much longer than 6 pages. I remember writing about my childhood & how I would escape into TV, books, music, videos and films. Always fiction, never non-fiction b/c I guess I needed to escape from the real world. My parents technically were good parents. I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. But my father was a narcissist & my mom was his enabler (I realized this by watching Jerry's videos). I remember telling my father that I loved him (knowing it wasn't true & not feeling that way) b/c I knew it was what he wanted to hear. This video really resonated with me. As he is listing these coping mechanisms, I am thinking about my own life, looking back and with every single one of them I am thinking" check, check, check" to the point where I feel like Jerry is speaking directly to me.
Wow! I thought everyone grew up like this!😟 I thought I was supposed to handle all my problems myself, I did so much to earn the feeling of being valuable, but couldnt obtain it. I learned to read body language around age 7 so I could protect myself from being yelled out. My mother would weirdly hug on my friends as an elementary kid, they never came over again. I just didn't understand and it felt like rejection from my friends but in reality my mother probably scared them to not come around. I feel angry sometimes the more I learn and the ridiculous hoops and torment I put myself through. Ill never know what I could have achieved if I didnt have these people as parents.
What I'm recognizing now is I do these adaptive behaviors now to deal with a spouse with heavily narcisstic traits. Like staying up late to be on a different time schedule, feeling free when they are not present, and doing one's own thing (hobbies, etc) to be in one's own world. One develops these adaptive behavior to survive emotionally in a difficult childhood. Then when you meet your future mate unfortunately, you think it is a normal relationship to be in the background, and boy, do you need to use those adaptive behaviors. Then you gaze with envy at other people's marriages, how fun, loving and equally sharing and caring of each other. The only thing you know for sure is the spouse can't hurt you because you already know the score.
Most all of these are true for me. I also used humor. It took years for my intellect to grow large enough to use it, but once I found I could use humor to create an imbalance and deflect from their madness, I never stopped. It became my go-to whenever possible. Its a very large part of who I became as an adult and continue to this day. Thank you for this video. Im 62. My parents are both gone now, and I’m still unraveling who I am.
Oh Jerry. So you know. I'm so glad somebody knows. It's exhausting keeping it inside to myself, trying to rise above it all, and their belittling of me and my surviving behaviours. Listening to you explain me just now, i deflated, feeling like i didn't need to pretend any more, as the truth was out, and someone saw and knew what was going on and why i did what i did to survive it all. Never able to explain for fear of being further labelled and not taken seriousy (because we know that a lot of people do not want to understand due to their own issues, or they had a great family), and the endless self critisism, and being misunderstood with my need to be private in my own space, but so cheery toward people, many being confused, as i question if it was me all along, trying hard to forget, and unable to recall so much because it's too destructive to remember and relive. This video sat me down and said, i know. I saw it all. I know what happened. Your understanding opened it all out, safely, calmly, and i feel flat like all that strength to hide it and survive just let go. To know that somebody knows, this means more than i can explain. I cannot state the level of gratitude for you knowing. Thank you.
I’ve pushed myself down so much I’ve had a pseudo self for most of my life…I didn’t know the issues I had until recently and now at age 50 I’m getting to know myself 🙏🏾💕
I still stay up late as l believe l learned that because of exactly what you said. I also have, when my kids were at home, had us eat dinner while TV was on. I made sure we had family time after dinner, but our dinners began when my dad would come home drunk, when l was a kid, and it was often scary and miserable as my dad would often become irate about something, yell at us, slam his hand on the table and lecture us. Dinner time was awful! Sometimes when my mom would see him coming up the driveway, and tell us to get to our rooms quickly b4 he came in, just to avoid the scariness, whether we were done eating or not. Ugh Awful for us to go through! 😢
1. & 8. Distraction with music and dance, alone. Staying outdoors even after dark. Loved escaping into J.R.R. Tolkien's world. 2. I came home after the narc went to bed and left the house before he woke up. 3. Total mess of a room, uninviting Collection of stuffed animals for safety. 4. Yes 5. Went along to get along 6. Never speak unless spoken to. 10. I was accused of taking a bath in the sink!11. Only safe to cry in my room, alone. 12. Everyone of my sisters disappeared from the dinner table. 14. Sometimes smiling angered the narc and was unsafe. Sometimes smiling was required by the narc. Careful, always. 16. Yes 18. Loved to stay busy with activities and work. 19. Didn't dare dream of asking for help. 20. Wished I could enjoy a meal and conversation with a parent as my friends could.
Holy sh*t, this fits perfectly. I watched tv all night and couldnt fall sleep until 7AM and then was awokened for school. So I was at school 2 times a week max. This has continued all through my life and I have been on disability since I was 30 and had tried everything. I watched tv all day too. Drained, NO energy. Had autoimmune disease discovered when I was 35. I still cant work bc of my sleep and autoimmune disease. And care about my grades? I didnt have any bc I wasnt there. My parents didnt care.
I can relate, I recently went thru this as my mom went on a tirade of non stop narcissistic yelling and rage. It really did a number on my nervous system and led to my chronic fatigue syndrome diagnosis. After months of searching for answers of why I couldn't sleep till 7am, I was able to get the healing I needed thru a counselor who is also an ordained minister.
@@janetwong8249 Aaah, have you checked out adrenal fatigue? The stress causes too much cortisol release and the adrenals gets worn out. it's the prestage of Addisons, a condition the medical care doesnt admit even exists but I had relief through a treatment for adrenal fatigue after 6 months. Unfortunally the medical care intervened and stopped it for a blood test, I then went back on but it doidnt work a second round due to the stress of breaking the treatment of suddenly so the medical care made me worse due to a lack of education. The treatments based on taking vitamins like ashwaghanda (calming and promotes sleep) vitamin B6, B12, liqurice and such. That and eating healthy I would recommend. And training. Going to the gym, swimming and such. I did a hair mineral analysis test aswell and came out with copper toxicity but thats hard to get out, havent succeeded so far. Vitamin D has helped though and no therapy has helped except for Jerrys videos and conversations with the citys domestic violence center that helped me get documents out on what was done to me as a child that I knew nothing about or had forgotten. If I were you, I'd try checking for adrenal fatigue and do a hair mineral analysis test and keep reading, watching videos and educating myself. Once you get order in your mind and understand their behaviours, you see that it wasnt because of you and that calms you down. One needs order and peace.
Oh god yes… still do tho im not around the toxic relatives anymore, and parents are dead… 😢We do what we can to feel safe/avoid danger, as little kids. Sadly these habits linger &cause lots pf problems in adult life. 😢❤
I remember the day, at 13 years old, suddenly realising I was physically as big as my mother and the thought was like a thunder bolt - I don't have to take this (emotional) abuse anymore - and I turned on her. That was the end of my fearful placating behaviour. She said that was the day she lost her daughter. But I only remember naming my feelings because of that day, otherwise I would remember nothing. I only remember events, not any of my feelings at the time. The rage was allowed to surface and it never dissipated. But I was already damaged at the core and I've never managed to out grow the belittlement and scorn
I was the one who both parents confided in and complained about each other but if I needed them I was selfish and difficult and it was always my fault no matter what happened. I was beaten once when my father list some money, accused me if stealing but I didn't. Beaten one afternoon after school, apparently I upset my father so much he fell off the garage roof.
I loved music it was my escape. Also I rode a dirt bike and when the eruption happened with my narc Dad, I put my helmet on and rode all day. Funny. Now I love concerts, and seeing musicals and ride a Harley. All gives me happiness and peace. oh and I am a night owl bad. Never connected that one. Quiet time of day. But everything Jerry says happened with myself or my siblings. My one saving grace was my best friend up the road, her Dad was a state trooper (large intimating guy) and HATED my Dad so I was always allowed up there (he loved me like his own) and Dad totally left me alone because he knew her Dad 1st hated him, and 2nd would protect me and let me stay. My Dad held that boundary thank goodness.
You hit everything sooo accurately, Jerry! Thank you for helping me get right back in touch with myself by helping me remember the things I did to try to protect myself!🐦
Jerry thank you for the Road to Self program it is saving my life! Where has it been all my life?? I joined at the beginning of the year and I’ve gained more from the program then 20 years in therapy with multiple therapists! Thank you for existing!!❤️
This is me. And I'm reexperiencing it now as a result of being dropped into a live-in carer role to my old mother. I adapted in all these ways back then, and I'm doing it now. I had no idea it was what so many others were doing, until the last couple of years.
Both of my parents were narcissists. I was afraid to talk around them because they would berate me. I could never figure their behavior out until I learned about narcissists. I was so withdrawn until my doctor prescribed Paroxetine for me. I have now taken 20 mg for many years and I feel like a human being! I am so happy that I was started on it!
That's so good to hear. SSRIs are a great help to soothe the damaged mind and soul. I take a very small amount to assist me in daily life too. I am now very rebellious, quick witted, no BS, tell.it like it is, low tolerance of azzholes kinda person. I got my confidence back and rightly so, now I use it to keep other narcs out if my life.
@@enlumineresse Thank you for the sentiment, very thoughtful of you. Don’t be too sad for me, the harmful patterns ended with my daughter. She is free and that is more important to me than anything.
- 00:22 🧒 Survival Tactics: Children in dysfunctional families adopt survival behaviors due to toxic or emotionally immature parents. - 00:42 📚 Escapism: Many found refuge in books, TV, or other media to avoid home chaos. - 01:08 🌙 Late Nights: Staying up late was a common coping mechanism, creating moments of safety and freedom. - 01:58 🧼 Control Through Cleanliness: Keeping a spotless room helped create a sense of control; alternatively, some left rooms messy to keep family at bay. - 02:55 👁️ Mood Monitoring: Hypervigilance about family members' moods was essential for emotional self-protection. - 03:46 🙏 Apologizing Excessively: Saying “sorry” became a way to maintain peace, often at the expense of self. - 04:34 🤐 Staying Quiet: Some avoided speaking at family meals to dodge potential conflict. - 05:11 🤒 Pretending to be Sick: Faking illness helped some avoid emotionally draining interactions. - 05:41 🎨 Hobby Immersion: Many dove into solitary hobbies to escape family tension. - 06:03 🗣️ Agreeing to Please: Agreeing with toxic parents’ views or desires helped avoid conflict and criticism. - 06:46 🚪 Bathroom Sanctuary: The bathroom became a rare place of solitude and safety. - 07:09 😢 Private Crying: Many cried in secret to avoid shame or criticism for expressing emotion. - 08:09 🍽️ Quick, Private Eating: Rushing meals or eating alone minimized exposure to family conflict. - 08:18 🧠 Conversation Prep: Rehearsing conversations became a common tactic to anticipate potential negative responses. - 08:48 🙂 Forced Smiling: Smiling despite pain helped mask emotions and avoid judgment. - 09:31 🚫 Avoiding Friends at Home: Avoiding friends’ visits helped prevent embarrassment over family behavior. - 09:48 🎭 Adopting Others’ Interests: Changing hobbies or preferences to align with family was common to avoid criticism. - 10:32 🏆 Hiding Success: Downplaying accomplishments helped prevent jealousy or criticism from family members. - 10:53 🚀 Staying Busy: Filling the day with activities helped avoid toxic family interactions. - 11:20 ❌ Avoiding Help Requests: Refusing to ask for help became a defense against perceived weakness. - 11:53 👀 Envy of Other Families: Observing healthy family dynamics often led to wishing for a different family experience.
OMG, you got it right. I learned to cry without making a sound, so nobody would know ... ... So I would remain invisible ... ... Because that's what I was SUPPOSED to be: Invisible. 😭
Books, check, stayed up late and watched horror shows check, out alone in nature with the cats dog horse and cows check. Driving alone check skipping class check. I have an adult relative who has been diagnosed autistic and I suspect he’s just dealing with the toxic environment he’s in. Oh yes the bathroom trick. I was home sick and it drew negative attention shame. I never related these things to that. Thanks.
I’m having a bit of a hard time integrating with a relative that’s fairly healthy but has changed and I’ve changed. It’s been like 30 years. Very stressful trying to be my true self while not being critical or disagree with their beliefs behaviors and actually I feel gaslit because my behaviors are not really all that acceptable without some kind of reaction that feels like a negative judgement. Complex situation but I think worth it.
I still carry some of the behaviors now. I think sometimes smiling is difficult because it’s attached to memories of smiling through pain. Then I’m once again smiling through pain. If I could just accept myself feeling like crying when smiling or getting caught in the pain it would probably dissipate. As it is I am afraid of people’s reactions. Maybe that’s the eureka in this. Instead of their reactions I need to go inside and care for myself from the inside out. I’ll try that next time. Thank you 🙏
One thing I know as an adult: I am absolutely terrified of anyone knowing my true self. I am completely and utterly ashamed of who I am, my past, my thoughts and actions. It’s a constant fear and worry and causes various difficulties. Even after years of recovery, there is still a cringing little boy inside of me that thinks he is contemptible and disgusting.
Yep. It's amazing growing up listening to explosive outbursts, mental and physical abuse, high criticism, and expected to go to College. I'm still a failure living in depression, anxiety, and isolation. Alcohol makes me happy.
Yep!!!! I have been self employed with businesses for 30 years. I really struggle, feel a total failure despite having made money and lots of assets for my decades of labor. I don't feel worthy of having money, I hoard it, spend little, live frugally, feel.immense guilt and shame spending on myself for big ticket items like a car. Anxiety, depression, auto immune disease, had a stammer for decades and lost it for the most part when I got sober in recovery. I have done a lot of work on myself and it takes time. I hope you will also take time to discover who you really are away from the abuse and bullying of your suck parents. God bless!
That last point really hit home. I watched TV shows like the Waltons and others (grew up in the 70s). My family was never like that. My mom once told me that I used to cry without making a sound, only the tears fell down. The older I get, the less I can stand her. Whenever I tried to talk about what it was like with my mom, all I would get is 'she loves you'. BS.
Even though I loved/love reading, it was/is difficult to read sometimes because of disocciation, actual physical pain in my brain due to stress, and perfectionism (a coping mechanism due to the need for control in the midst of chaos).
Ooof. These videos hit close to home. I would sneak up late at night to play videogames until the morning light started coming over the horizon, then slept through classes at school. And that's just the first two.
I became addicted to books very badly. I studied for 14 years without interruption, even to relieve stress outside of school. Even my hobbies was books . Now I can't enjoy at all, I can't relax. The waste of time hurts my heart. I have improved myself well but I still can't get into business life.
Another great video where you made bingo on all the points. Wow, it seems like you know my family. Thank you. This tells me that I m not wrong about my parents' distorted reality and all the fake I have to play when I m around them. I actually "had" since now I only have one parent
I am 68+1 now and for 15 years have hoped and tried to be closer with my older sister by almost 5 years. We live far away from each other for decades and mom and dad deceased for 20+ years. So... Recently in a conversation about our parents and our childhood, I said something about only having vague memories of playing with but also when a little older, by the time I was 8, being told that she was 'too old for me'. Then my sis replied "yeah they never taught us to be close really." I wanted to retort the few friends I had with sisters 5 yrs older that did things happily and joyfully together BUT I bit my tongue. I wanted to say 'bur since I can remember, 2 or 3 years old, we both endured their loud deafening screaming matches that lasted til the wee hours in the same house, but I never felt my sister cared that I was broken hearted, sobbing into my pillow. It HURT SO BAD. But to hear her rationalize we ha 'never been taught' to play together hurt even worse because I could tell by other friends with big sisters that it was natural for big sisters to look out for and care about younger siblings when in hurtful situations like we were almost daily growing up. I get why she rejected our parents and moved away in her teens, so did I 5 yrs later! What I don't get is why she has rejected me along with them.. it has only gotten harder to build the loving sisterly love I always wanted and needed, I have to really be tactful talking to her. She is easily offended and often I regret even trying because she becomes extremely defensive, taking things completely the wrong way . Right now I haven't texted or talked to her for 2 months. I am sick to death of the rejection, often in subtle ways so that if I ever call it out I get told that isn't how it happened, what she said or what she meant. A lifetime of being disparaged by the one I looked up to and longed for all through our growing years. I know she will call if I go a year or two, because that has been the pattern for years. And then I am so happy she calls BUT then, I am always reminded in these conversations that she doesn't love me enough to include me... I really don't even know much about her lise after she escaped our shared horrifying upbringing. I regret having to do that again and remain pensive about it. 💔😔
Its the narc legacy. Same with my older sister 5 years older. All of you have the childhood trauma of the neglect and not taught to care about each other. Your sister never saw caring from your parents. Blaming her is simplistic narc legecy thinking, expecting her to have been unaffected. She is as innocent as you are. 🎉🎉🎉
@@juliej1520 hi Julie, about 25 yrs ago I invited myself to her home for Christmas eve. I had never met 3 of my nieces and a nephew and I just wanted to be known. It didn't go well for me noticing that they all showed no interest. It was as if they already knew me through whatever my sister had shown them. I bought them all nice presents and watched them open them on Xmas eve then the flight back home, wishing they had all been more welcoming. Since that day I still have never been included. Years ago she even said 'you are not my family I have my own family now, knowing I had no kids and would love to be the doting aunty. Ha! Anyway, I have lead a solitary life. We also never stayed in one place for long growing up and we have both expressed the regrets of by the time you make a few friends, you have to move away, so neither of us have lifelong friends. I think about the next time she will finally get a hold of me and how I always bring up places we lived and asking her things I hope she remembers more about than I do about our upbringing BECAUSE otherwise we know little to nothing about each other's adult lives. But then I think about how much she adores her 12 grandkids and that she is almost 75 now and I think NO don't try to involve yourself anymore because there is every indication from her and now adult children who have never even been curious enough about me as their aunt to ever want to just call to say hi. I don't blame her at all, I just always wanted us all to love each other and after both parents died I couldn't see a future where she and I wouldn't grow closer as we grew old. I am coming to terms that her life will be happier I stop trying to show her that she has a little sister who wants to be accepted, loved and a part of her loving life because I do want her to have her blissful family life to not be bothered by a little sister she never really loved. I love her so I finally need to let go of the fantasy of being friends as adults.. and it's OKAY 🥰
The parents seem to be happy being stunted in a juvenile emotional state, not wanting to change or ever be accountable for their actions. I was never a child and had to go numb and hide to survive until I could escape through academics, only later to unpick the massive ball of knots and go no contact.
Grew up with a narc father and a mother that wasnt emotionally there. I loved to hid in the house or outside for peace and quiet, i still love to be alone but when I went to college for nursing I found my strengh and voice. I am very outspoken, everyone knows my opinion and I do NOT allow anyone to speak down to me because I cut them out of my life because life is too short to put up with peoples bad behavior. Our next door neighbor and now ex friend has learned that. At age 84 our neighbor is learning what he should have learned in 1st grade.
🎉hobby - we loved the Wimbledon tennis when Nastase was playing and bought and created a scrapbook which we enjoyed doing- narc mother ripped the scrapbook in half.
I could definitely relate to staying up late, because it was peaceful Also, having friends over on weekends meant no yelling in front of your friends and that was a way to control what happened. When adults say they want to control their environment, it's because they felt they had no control back then. If you lost control back then, it always backfired. You can't out-yell a yeller, so you look for any way to feel like you have some control and the whole family looks at you like are a problem because you didn't keep quiet and tip-toe around all the time. I did not find out what "the silent-treatment" was until I was an adult.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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I admit that I have done almost all of these adaptive behaviors during my formative years and some of them still linger. Listening to you is very freeing Dr. Wise. Thank you for this video, it’s one of your best because you basically described my life and I’m sure the life of many others.
which wonderful narcissist didn't control their child's room???
Jerry, you must have grown up with my dad. Walking on eggshells and getting belittled and shamed as a way of life. I faught it (but submitted) the whole way. I was a strong (adopted) child.
I still staying up late, bcs that is my safe time to rest and have peace. Somethimes i don't sleep at all just to hear the silence, to be in peace, alone and to rest.
❤ me too
Same
Me too sometimes, night is peaceful. My married life is great, but in childhood I felt safer at night.
I am in my 30s and unfortunately still live with my toxic parents now in their 70s -- I still do this. I stayed up to 7am just listening to music. I have to reclaim my sleep cycle and life, as the youngest my older siblings have basically abandoned me to be principal care taker. I can't move out yet due to financial struggles. Living with dysfunctional families is truly hell.
@@taliajournee212We have similar experience, still working on it, my sleeping pattern become terrible and left bad influence to my mental and physical health.
Save yourself if you can.
I turned to alcohol and became trapped to it.
After 40 of years of heavy drinking, I finally achieved sobriety 11 years ago.
Congratulations! That's an awesome accomplishment! 🏆
I dont know you, but i am proud of you 😊
I did the same thing at 44 I recently turned 49. It’s been great to get off the rollercoaster
🎉🎉
Congratulations. What a feat especially with the childhood stuff.
It was books for me . Then both music and books .
Me too. Now it's audiobooks and music lol
Likewise- It turned me into a scholar.
Books for me too❤
💯
Alas, I eventually fell to computer games.
Perfectionism. People pleasing.
I can so relate
My mom is a victim to perfectionism ☹️
Sometimes I just read the comments cos it's too emotionally triggering to watch the video and listen to the truth
@@nadineelizabeth195 thank you for saying that! It can be overwhelming!
Finding the balance of not distracting myself completely as if everything is fine, while also not getting triggered by this to where I can't function or be happy is a difficult balance.
Reading comments helps for me but also triggering.
Knowing there are so many hurted and damaged souls bcs of bad parents 😢 make me so sad, but at the same time i don't feel alone on this planet anymore and like black sheep or alien.
I find the videos cathartic because finally I am in an environment where the truth is told.
Same😢😢😢
Cried in secret.
The amount of times I hid to cry... because if I was caught crying I'd be punished for it, or there would be uncomfortable questions I would struggle to answer.
Wow 😮! I did ALL OF THESE BEHAVIORS as a kid. I started having symptoms of OCD at age ten. I knew when it was okay to talk and when it wasn't. I tip toed around our house for years. I read voraciously. Sooo exhausting!! But not anymore! I'm a Truthteller and will remain as such until I die!
I also escaped into reading. And I also became a truth teller. I think those two things were positive adaptations. Some of the negative adaptations I adopted were fawning/peace maker and pathetically over explaining myself...and escaping by being sick or locking myself in the bathroom or closet and, when I was older, escaping into romantic relationships that weren't any healthier than my family life.
Well done ❤ Much love 😊
don’t say what you want or need because you know it won’t happen learn to adapt anything you need to appeal to your parents
They'd absolutely do the opposite if I said something.
I've found this behavior at a workplace (toxic) too.
That, and never confide in them.
It becomes ammunition.
Is this hinting that all parents are on some kind of spectrum of narcissism over family science and the economy - they have all these worker's etc, they just walk out build families don't really help.. apparently i just sat in the corner half my life, biked around or skated around .. im just some guy
Almost got “Don’t Ask” tattooed on me at 18. Still applicable 17yrs later.
@@LUA_LUA_LUAyep
All of these. I did them.
We weren’t allowed to lock the bathroom door while we were using, even in our teen years. If we did, and either parent discovered a locked door, they’d bang on it and yell “unlock this door!”
We were allowed zero privacy.
That’s just terrible
Me too. She owned me. Barged in my room whenever she wanted.
You almost exactly described my childhood.
Books were my escape. They still are.
Mine too💚
And music too for me
I spent hours each day in the barn with the cats. I also read 5 books at a time in order to keep my mind occupied. At 67, the light stays on at night and I sleep during the day.
Sleeping and eating both can be ways to escape.
Having ADD, I was always called a dreamer - negatively. My whole wall was covered with pictures of Germany and Ireland. Doing two degrees in Piano Performance in Germany, made my dream come true. Today I have concerts on my Irish Harp and playing whistles to German public. Just the other day, I realised my escape dream became my reality.❤
Ay all your dreams come true ❤️
Honestly warms my heart to see that.
I read entire sections from the library - the one place I was "allowed" to go to. I read 5 books a week as a child. Definitely an escape!
The librarians at school probably knew me better than most of the kids at my school considering how much time I spent there.
The library was my sanctuary too.
I am 75 and still do some of these behaviors--I could check off almost every box- being a single child I was on my own.. it wasn’t until I was in my 30’s when a Psychologist told me “You will never make your mother happy”- it sunk in- but so much hurt still lingers - still wishing for a mother I NEVER had
I realized I always had God as my only parent, I love Him.
I am going on 78 and still struggle every day with haunting memories of using these coping behaviors to avoid the impact of family drama. When I find myself coping in the same ways in a similar situation today, these coping behaviors are taken to be cowardice, maladjustment, even evidence of juvenile mental/emotional state. So I try to practice normal back and forth give and take, but I've never done it before, and it confuses people. What a mess!!! The only consolation is when I notice others struggling with similar issues.
@@---kx1xc I agree- I can still remember when I was around 6 yrs old- seeing other kids in Kindergarten- praying for a family that wanted me-getting attention when I visited my friends home but never inviting them to mine
@@edwardgreacen1833 - please know this “YOU are not ALONE”- Here I am- still fighting to be me-what is really bad is when your own son has inherited his grandmother genes and is also a narcissist- I was trying to deal with him(as a man) as I had done with my mother- again I learned that “I could never make him happy “
We are good and caring people- a little messed up-but mainly we are not like the people who took satisfaction on hurting us.
Take care🙏🏻❤️
I am an only child too, and many of these things stuck out to me. I'm 42 now, and just had my first child with a very wonderful woman. I love my parents, they weren't really abusive per say, but they had a lot of these narcissistic tendencies.
My narc mom made me a nervous wreck for as long as I have memory. I still bite my nails. I am 56.
Same here. You are not alone.
I used to bite my nails when I was living with my parents growing up but when I moved out and I moved to another state I no longer do some of the things that I used to do hell I want even visit them.
Same here. I hate it so much
I envied on my friends parents so much. Her parents were quiet, mature, careful, respectful, in their home never was drama.
I still envy, she become independent healthy adult individual.
Try reframing envy to gratitude ❤ Gratitude that you had someone to give reprieve from your own family, and gratitude that they showed you how peaceful life can be ❤
It may be helpful! I know it's difficult, I grew up with similar feelings. Cultivate peace for yourself, break the generational trauma..that's what keeps me going ❤❤
Same
@@MoonlightDivinityYes- reframing is so vital to healing from these toxic families. Takes people a very long time to get there, though. I hope the commenters re- read your comment.
You will be shamed and guilted for having needs. Made to feel like an undeserving burden.
Criticized, shamed, belittled, neglected, guilted, emasculated, infantilized, ostracized, humiliated, abandoned......
We have to be a human pretzel to be in a hyper-vigilant state of fluid adaptiveness to bob and weave around the negative attention of the mean-spirited a-hole parent(s).
So well put. It's a hard childhood. I've written a book I put up on amazon kindle describing my childhood and marriage called Curb Your Narcissism.
@@SuperChristine000 Nice, I like the sound of it.
I can relate to your comment in the fullest.
Feeling like everything you are and do is unbearable for the people you look up to, love, and depend on drains you and wears you down over the years.
Absolutely true!
“Reading their moods”…. Oh yes. Constantly. Never stopped because lots of danger if I didn’t.
Also 100% about the not sharing my opinion (I now am in my 50s and only now discovering my opinions). I feel compassion for this child in this house.
Im really glad you brought up the "becoming more mean" part, because I remember saying very mean things just to keep them away from me temporarily.
I would have been hit if I did that. I learned to stay quiet and never say anything. My father called me into his office one day when I was a senior in high school. He growled at me saying, “You are going to pay me back every cent I have to pay for you to go to college!” I just turned and walked away. Both of my parents were well educated people. I had always admired my grandmother who was a legal secretary so I decided to apply to business school in the same city where she worked. My grandmother paid my room and board at the local YWCA and my mother took me to stay there. When she dropped me off she looked very upset but I just try said, “goodbye” to her and she left. Later my grades were so good that she and my father called and wanted me to go to college since it was determined that we students could get credit for th he classes we took at a nearby college and we could get our Bachelor’s degrees in 2 more years. I remembered what my father said to me and I didn’t want to be under his control anymore, so I refused. I admit I had some jobs where I was very happy and some were not so great so I moved on. One job was amazing and I don’t think I would learn nearly as
much if I had gone to college. Today money is tight but I have 2 wonderful children and some grandchildren. I am at peace.
Same. My mother is very nice, but she is NOT kind. I learned the concept of militant and angry decency very early in life.
@Mel_Marec- holy smokes!- great comment. You just articulated another piece coming together for me about me. I'd get so angry and practically try to hurt the source of pain to make that source. just... STOP. Make it stop!!!!! And that hurt my heart do much to do that, coming to way more awareness now and I am highly valuing oxygen where these things are unearthing. My word, thank you for putting those words down. 🙏💜
For me, the smiling thing was opposite. If I looked too happy, it would trigger the narcissists, so I actually learned to automatically hide smiles. I had to consciously relearn that later in life. The first smiles looked really weird.
Absolutely. Still today I try not to show my good mood when I'm with my n. mum, because she gets suspicious and envious.
You know I've done this too! This explains why I don't smile too openly or stop myself when I look too happy.
YES!!! AND Bullied at home, Bullied at school meant only ME time was late nights alone. No sleep, but could THINK! 🙏🕊️
I never knew why at night I feel safe and happy or in the bathroom, I love to be alone with cats and now I understand it. Thank YOU Jerry Wise !!
My childhood in a nutshell.This really hit home.
My spirit animal is the clam
I have always, always, always hidden my pearl from them.
I filter the muck and put out pearls for those I feel I can open up safely to.
Also, go find a video of a clam swimming it’s adorable.
My spirit animal is the otter. Fast and playful. I could swim away from them, and laugh all the while.
@@edwardgreacen1833 havahahaha the clam in me is getting nervous
Otters are magnificent creatures though for real, good choice!!!
I loved reading books, but was not allowed because the narc could not get along with helpers, so I was her slave. So I climbed to the top of a huge pine tree and read my storybooks there.
I think tree-climbing was one of my favorite coping behaviors. Once you were up the tree, they couldn't find you. I'd forgotten about this - thanks for sharing.
I adore this!
YES!!! They could never find me, at the top of the wonderful pine tree behind the house, my favorite place. It had split into 3 branches at the top. A cushion and a book was escape. They'd come out and holler for me, I was close. But they never looked up.
This excellent information is very hard for me to watch because it brings up so much emotion that I've stuffed down for all my life and still do! Thank you!
❤❤❤❤same
After decades of both my parents telling me they wished I was someone else, and that everyone was better than me, my mother doesn't understand how I can be so extremely selfish and refuse to move back home to look after her (dad has long since passed). She even says it's been years since she has seen me. That's because after 2-3 days into a visit, she remembers how much she hates me. The thought of seeing her fills me with panic. In my 60s. Of course, everyone else thinks my parents are just wonderful.
@chickentender4037 - dry sardonic laugh at you being called "selfish" in this context. That's awful and cluuuueless, and(I hope you see this) I am sorry they do that. I SO validate your space in not visiting, and deeply hope you gain encouragement and more of yourself back wih these videos. 😊
My children made me realize how unhealthy my parents were.
I am glad I found out about narcissistic dysfunctional family “terminology”…Believe me it’s been 14 years and I have tried to stay immersed in books, videos for relaxation, I stay up at night sleep in mornings, and I can not get rid of this feeling… I can tell people behaviour with their body language. I remember 1 year I didn’t talk, but had to talk because the house won’t be functional without even when I was a child. Cried in secret, never told a friend, used to rehearse conversations, smiled to show, I don’t show talent, work in silence, my channel name is self sufficient, I type long test, I help children for free… etc. you have no idea how it is to listen to these videos my heart rate gets so high! I don’t know what I will do after knowing all this… I knew of course.. I was wise, but to listen to all this as if it’s real… Amazing Mr. Jerry, your hard work will pay
At 16, I went to work at a restaurant washing dishes to avoid interaction with my toxic family. I got a solid meal each day at work. It was a poor life choice- I ended up dropping out of school, but I didn't know any better. Id hoped my father would have died in his 50s, but he lived another 29 yrs. I found solace in weight training.
I did the same thing. Having a job while in school was difficult, but much better, and safer than spending time at home.
Thank you, Jerry, for validating how the extreme dysfunction and toxicity of my family structure affected me in vastly unhealthy ways. It’s as if you had a lens into my childhood. Your words and insight are a lifeline as I work to break free of the role and bonds imposed, discovering who I truly am.
@leigh-anneobrien3299 - YES! Well-said, I so appreciate your comment(if you see this 😊). 🙏
This really hit home for me. I adapted many of these behaviors as a child. A full blown narcissistic mother, and stepmother, kept me hiding away and staying out of their line of fire. Thank you for sharing 💜
So true ❤
I still grieve for the child inside. All of this and then some…
I just convinced myself that I was the wrong kind of daughter and if I had been different than everything would have been ok.
Same. So much shame and guilt. Am healing now, but feel it's too late
I am in my 60s and I still think of myself as having been the wrong kind of daughter.
I was 70 when the truth came through! God set me free from all the toxic junk. Realized she wasnt going to change and thete was nothing I could do to make her love me with true REAL love.
When I had my first daughter, the unconditional love I felt for her and how excited I was to see who she was made me realize how wrong it is for your parents to not love who you are as an individual.
Where have you been all my life Mr. Wise😂? I can vouch for all of these. On my way to super healing! To all the narc abuse survivors, you’re not alone, we got this! Plus you got the added advantage of insight into the human soul. Blessings!
Books and multitudenous sketch pads...got me through home life...
And babysat for a very successful Tupperware lady. She set a great example for me. Thank you, Pat❤
Teachers were my heroes & books saved my mind if not my life ❤️🩹
Aww- love the "successful Tupperware lady" example!! 🙏
My sister and I feared when our mother was getting home from work, we would rush around and get things just right, if she walked in and saw anyone was having too good a time, if anyone was a little bit too happy or having fun, if anything was out of place or if she smelled food from someone cooking, even if you cleaned up,(which we always did)….RIP, incoming screaming match and insults and absolute madness.
It’s always about her, nobody works harder than her, nobody has as much stress as she does, the list goes on, she would lie to our grandparents and tell them things to get them to feel sorry for her. We all were her emotional discharge tools, no one else could ever have any problems or struggles but her.
Thank you for these videos, they help me understand the subconscious things I had no idea about for the past 10-15 years.
Wow, I didn't even know my parents were narcissists before watching this. Total eye opener.
I still have to smile all the time around my father (then as a child and even now as an adult). Otherwise he will pick on me and say I look sour etc. This is very tiring emotionally and physically. Exhausting.
It's really difficult to wear a mask all the time
I am in a similar situation, they cannot stand seeing me happy at all
They used to criticize me, used pick a fight, tell people that they suffering because of me and I am the one who is unaffected, unbothered and happy
They can't stand seeing me happy both of narcissist parents
My psychologist told me “YOU will NEVER make your mother happy” Sadly your smile will never be big enough or come fast enough for your father - but there will come a day when you tell your dad-“Don’t expect me to smile today-I am having a totally SOUR day”and change subject….
Take care🙏🏻❤️
@piku8700 I certainly can relate to your experience. I was always the 'bad' child who caused so much grief. But away from them I was happy. Coming home always carried this anticipation 'what's going to come down on me now ?!' Anyway, they're all dead now, so I'm free, really
@piku8700 what are the ages involved? I'm 62, one day I thought, what's gonna happen if I don't do what they say? I have my own house and job. My parents don't supply me money. When they don't have anything I need, I discovered I don't have to do what they say. What are they gonna do? Take away my birthday? Jerry says you're not responsible for their 'happiness'.
Sounds like my mother in law 😭
I always stayed up late, distracted myself by reading books, messy room meant giving up, and most of all saying sorry. The hobby was electronics and this gave me a very lucrative career which made me hated by the rest of the family. Even if you never lived in an alcoholic family and you lived with someone mentally ill, Alanon can help you. I grew up eating in my room. I used to spend a lot of time a friend's house's pretending I was a member of a normal family. I was always surprised by the normal families upset over little problems. Anyways you nailed it, you know me.
I didn't know until this moment that narcissism was a thing and that other people experienced living like this. You have described my childhood perfectly and I identified with Every Single Point. It's incredible how this type of experience forms the decision making behaviours we have as adults. I hope I can unlearn some of these habits. It is tiring and lonely being on an island.
@gadogado4468 - if you see this, wow, what a crazy profound moment to realize all of this. Bless you, truly, as you assimilate, digest and I hope are able to move forward in a deeply healing way. 🙏🕊
I’m in my 70s - there’s nothing I can change now - it’s too late - I await my freedom from this life
I am 74 and I am free from it! I fulfilled my obligations to my parents and they are gone. Live in peace! One thing I did was consult a psychic. This really happened! My mother spoke through her and said that she and my father were sorry for how badly they treated me. Awhile after the session I was able to forgive my mother for her part in it. Since my father never came forward, I cannot forgive him but I am not going to let him control my life from the grave. I am now happy and actually look forward to the day when I can embrace her and my sister in Heaven. I think that they are aware of my grandchildren and how much I love my children and grandchildren.
I’m 60, but I am on the path to healing. It’s never too late.
I understand you. But it's never too late, this is self limiting beliefs you choose to have because alternate to it in your belief is "worse".
You have one life.
You are strong, free, independent and able to create anything.
I’m 70 1/2. It’s SO much to take in. This video is one of about 40 I’ve seen along this genre of CPTSD. MY therapy sessions paid for by a new program with United Health Care, started about 2 years ago, with depression. Then, as sessions grew from once every other week to weekly, I was asked about my parents. I’ve on,y been at this for a year I’d say, confronting the Narcissistic Parents Abuse. Let’s take a situation I’m in with maintenance at my apartment. Because MY 🤬🤬parents raised me so poorly on how to deal with “problems” I have a serious issue with Dealing with Authority AS AN ADULT. I’m learning QUICKLY, I might add, that is not a good thing to FEEL when you walk into an office to speak with the building manager. Can you guys see that.❓❓how THEY set me up for that type of behavior. GUESS WHAT‼️‼️❓❓THATS ALLLLLL IT IS‼️‼️‼️ A BEHAVIOR.😮 I see a different calmer normal way NOW that I’ve been in therapy, read some books, use some calming techniques and WATCH THESE VIDEOS…. It’s like water to a dry house plant. You can almost see the leaves move. THATS what you are missing out on. Being able to walk in an office, smile. Say hello, my name is Jane Powell, and I’d like to discuss a maintenance issue with you. Before I would stress out like 🤪😳🫣😵💫🥴🫠meltdown. Going over stoopid scenarios that NEVER HAPPENED in my head. Tired frustrated and my claws half out before I locked the door and go to the office. That’s no kinda way to LIVE. Did anyone else have a difficult time with admitting to themselves what vicious, cruel, hateful, arrogant self centered bastards and bitches OUR parents were❓❓🤬🤬🤬
I truly did. My mom was a Sunday school teacher and community pillar. My dad, X marine, mechanical genius, could fix every one else’s car in the neighborhood but, rag me about checking the oil in “that car.” See, little things like “that car” didn’t register UNTIL I got to that point, admitting what MY parents did TO ME. So, sure as an adult, it’s difficult to look back and say, “they never knew ME, and they never really cared to.” Seriously, I have made great strides here this last two years. Sometimes say 7-8 months ago even, I’d load up 5-6 of these 15 minute videos like Jack Wise here, Therapy in a Nut Shell is also GREAT, PSYCE TO GO is also another great one, and listen to them for like 2 hours. You must view them as The Borg. Then, the message can just bathe over your mind and gently push that crap away. You dedicate yourself to doing that alone, once a month even, and change will come. You have to CHOSE TO BEHAVE IN AN OPENMINDED WAY. Change comes a lot easier then. Less crying. Less down time. Learn more, and able to make the choice to act behave like the new information says we should have been TAUGHT to act by our no good sabotaging parents. Take back what is rightfully yours. Watch the videos. Self care. And Resistance is FUTILE. I’m not going back to that sniveling, winey child. Never sure of herself. What I needed. Couldn’t see what I had. All that. Let the free videos give you a mental bath. Gentle cozy sometimes. And a few times the tube will over flow and then the floor gets wet and the cartoon ends with the tub and you falling through the ceiling into someplace else…😆🤣😂come on. Laugh today, even a little bit. Cry tomorrow. I hope someone reads this and it helps….Jane 🥳
I got lucky, I played piano, lessons were paid for my kind Aunt. Got high marks in piano exams, so I practised
music for hours after school. And was left in peace then
I had lessons, but my mom didn’t like the noise of me practicing- so I had to quit early. Sigh. You can’t win.
Barbara here : My bike & the playground a block away were saviors.
When i became a Christian and joined a church i couldnt believe how healthy families interacted. It was wild and gaping to me
Wow me too reminds me of same 40 years ago when i went to another families house ! Children happy wow What the ???
I thought parents being nice and doing things or prioritizing kids was them being spoiled. Helping with homework, spoiled, snacks they liked, spoiled, encouragement in their interests, spoiled, etc
christian families are often the most secretive at this kind of abuse, i grew up in one
also the christian church loves teaching to hit your kids for punishment. it’s sad how many people support an establishment with the most cold abuse
I was raised by a narcissistic catholic, so called Christian- Christian doesn’t always equate to healthy family, trust me!
I knew counseling worked the minute she gave me a solution to an issue fast. Reasoning: if she had a quick, right, answer that meant she had heard this issue before. If she'd heard it before that meant others experienced this issue too. If others experienced it, then I wasn't the weird oddball I'd been told I was. My first step toward healing.
THAT'S EXACTLY IT. And it continued into adulthood, through teachers, professors, bosses... How are you not censored, with this much truth ❤
The coping behavior I most identify with is immersing myself in a hobby. Although I leaned toward arts and music, I didn't have a place to practice either one in my original family system. If I tried to draw, for instance, I would be ridiculed by my mother or brothers. Music-making was reserved for my golden child and scapegoat brothers. It was considered challenging their authority in the family system to play music, so that had to wait. In the meantime, I took up model-building. During the making of a model, they left me alone. But when it was finished, they would judge it. And often, break or burn it. So my models had a short shelf life. My best model was a wooden motorboat - maybe 22-24 inches long. It turned out beautiful. It lay around for a long time before I eventually trashed it - you know, finished the job.
I studied engineering in college, and went on to make it a career. Eventually turned into commissioning complicated building projects, such as data centers. I enjoyed leading a team of highly skilled contractors who shared my interest in overcoming obstacles to complete a project.
In my second marriage - during my free time, I built a strip canoe and brought it to the Boundary Waters and Itasca with our two children camping and canoeing. It has lasted for 35-40 years and has undergone numerous makeovers. When my daughter and her husband bought a house, I gave it to her - she was the creative one, and has two kids of her own.
For me, the escape was locking myself in the room playing the guitar for hours, or draw. The “keeping your room spotless” really hit home for me.
I also stayed up way past my bedtime a lot, I never knew why until I watched this.
Years ago, I had a boyfriend that I was deeply in love with (He was a classic narcissist, I figured that out later, too late in fact) I was so devastated by him breaking up with me, I went to counseling. One of the therapists gave me an assignment to write the story of my life. I did it thinking it would be 5 or 6 pages. Once I started to type, the writing poured out of me and it was very long, much longer than 6 pages. I remember writing about my childhood & how I would escape into TV, books, music, videos and films. Always fiction, never non-fiction b/c I guess I needed to escape from the real world. My parents technically were good parents. I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. But my father was a narcissist & my mom was his enabler (I realized this by watching Jerry's videos). I remember telling my father that I loved him (knowing it wasn't true & not feeling that way) b/c I knew it was what he wanted to hear. This video really resonated with me. As he is listing these coping mechanisms, I am thinking about my own life, looking back and with every single one of them I am thinking" check, check, check" to the point where I feel like Jerry is speaking directly to me.
Writing is a must-do therapy for me. I do it every day. Besides listening to Jerry Wise UA-cams.
Wow! I thought everyone grew up like this!😟 I thought I was supposed to handle all my problems myself, I did so much to earn the feeling of being valuable, but couldnt obtain it. I learned to read body language around age 7 so I could protect myself from being yelled out. My mother would weirdly hug on my friends as an elementary kid, they never came over again. I just didn't understand and it felt like rejection from my friends but in reality my mother probably scared them to not come around. I feel angry sometimes the more I learn and the ridiculous hoops and torment I put myself through. Ill never know what I could have achieved if I didnt have these people as parents.
And the 'Ward Them Off' room keeping approach¡ yes sir!!! OMG!!
I am older and I still do this! OMG is so right!!!
Two minutes in and I recognize myself. I still do these things.
Stuffing ALL
Stuffing my feelings.
What I'm recognizing now is I do these adaptive behaviors now to deal with a spouse with heavily narcisstic traits. Like staying up late to be on a different time schedule, feeling free when they are not present, and doing one's own thing (hobbies, etc) to be in one's own world. One develops these adaptive behavior to survive emotionally in a difficult childhood. Then when you meet your future mate unfortunately, you think it is a normal relationship to be in the background, and boy, do you need to use those adaptive behaviors. Then you gaze with envy at other people's marriages, how fun, loving and equally sharing and caring of each other. The only thing you know for sure is the spouse can't hurt you because you already know the score.
My messy room growing up... wow
Most all of these are true for me. I also used humor. It took years for my intellect to grow large enough to use it, but once I found I could use humor to create an imbalance and deflect from their madness, I never stopped. It became my go-to whenever possible. Its a very large part of who I became as an adult and continue to this day. Thank you for this video. Im 62. My parents are both gone now, and I’m still unraveling who I am.
Yep!
Oh Jerry. So you know. I'm so glad somebody knows. It's exhausting keeping it inside to myself, trying to rise above it all, and their belittling of me and my surviving behaviours. Listening to you explain me just now, i deflated, feeling like i didn't need to pretend any more, as the truth was out, and someone saw and knew what was going on and why i did what i did to survive it all. Never able to explain for fear of being further labelled and not taken seriousy (because we know that a lot of people do not want to understand due to their own issues, or they had a great family), and the endless self critisism, and being misunderstood with my need to be private in my own space, but so cheery toward people, many being confused, as i question if it was me all along, trying hard to forget, and unable to recall so much because it's too destructive to remember and relive. This video sat me down and said, i know. I saw it all. I know what happened. Your understanding opened it all out, safely, calmly, and i feel flat like all that strength to hide it and survive just let go. To know that somebody knows, this means more than i can explain. I cannot state the level of gratitude for you knowing. Thank you.
Wow. THIS. So very well said.
I’ve pushed myself down so much I’ve had a pseudo self for most of my life…I didn’t know the issues I had until recently and now at age 50 I’m getting to know myself 🙏🏾💕
These are spot on Jerry
Yes ALL of them, and poker face.
I still stay up late as l believe l learned that because of exactly what you said. I also have, when my kids were at home, had us eat dinner while TV was on. I made sure we had family time after dinner, but our dinners began when my dad would come home drunk, when l was a kid, and it was often scary and miserable as my dad would often become irate about something, yell at us, slam his hand on the table and lecture us. Dinner time was awful! Sometimes when my mom would see him coming up the driveway, and tell us to get to our rooms quickly b4 he came in, just to avoid the scariness, whether we were done eating or not. Ugh Awful for us to go through! 😢
When did I have time to make friends? Work was always found to occupy any "spare" time.
1. & 8. Distraction with music and dance, alone. Staying outdoors even after dark. Loved escaping into J.R.R. Tolkien's world. 2. I came home after the narc went to bed and left the house before he woke up. 3. Total mess of a room, uninviting Collection of stuffed animals for safety. 4. Yes 5. Went along to get along 6. Never speak unless spoken to. 10. I was accused of taking a bath in the sink!11. Only safe to cry in my room, alone. 12. Everyone of my sisters disappeared from the dinner table. 14. Sometimes smiling angered the narc and was unsafe. Sometimes smiling was required by the narc. Careful, always. 16. Yes 18. Loved to stay busy with activities and work. 19. Didn't dare dream of asking for help. 20. Wished I could enjoy a meal and conversation with a parent as my friends could.
Holy sh*t, this fits perfectly. I watched tv all night and couldnt fall sleep until 7AM and then was awokened for school. So I was at school 2 times a week max. This has continued all through my life and I have been on disability since I was 30 and had tried everything. I watched tv all day too. Drained, NO energy. Had autoimmune disease discovered when I was 35. I still cant work bc of my sleep and autoimmune disease.
And care about my grades? I didnt have any bc I wasnt there. My parents didnt care.
I can relate, I recently went thru this as my mom went on a tirade of non stop narcissistic yelling and rage. It really did a number on my nervous system and led to my chronic fatigue syndrome diagnosis. After months of searching for answers of why I couldn't sleep till 7am, I was able to get the healing I needed thru a counselor who is also an ordained minister.
@@janetwong8249 Aaah, have you checked out adrenal fatigue? The stress causes too much cortisol release and the adrenals gets worn out. it's the prestage of Addisons, a condition the medical care doesnt admit even exists but I had relief through a treatment for adrenal fatigue after 6 months. Unfortunally the medical care intervened and stopped it for a blood test, I then went back on but it doidnt work a second round due to the stress of breaking the treatment of suddenly so the medical care made me worse due to a lack of education.
The treatments based on taking vitamins like ashwaghanda (calming and promotes sleep) vitamin B6, B12, liqurice and such. That and eating healthy I would recommend. And training. Going to the gym, swimming and such.
I did a hair mineral analysis test aswell and came out with copper toxicity but thats hard to get out, havent succeeded so far. Vitamin D has helped though and no therapy has helped except for Jerrys videos and conversations with the citys domestic violence center that helped me get documents out on what was done to me as a child that I knew nothing about or had forgotten.
If I were you, I'd try checking for adrenal fatigue and do a hair mineral analysis test and keep reading, watching videos and educating myself. Once you get order in your mind and understand their behaviours, you see that it wasnt because of you and that calms you down. One needs order and peace.
Thank you. Got most of these in me, and it feels so validating to hear you say all that.
It's an invisible struggle not many can understand.
Oh god yes… still do tho im not around the toxic relatives anymore, and parents are dead… 😢We do what we can to feel safe/avoid danger, as little kids. Sadly these habits linger &cause lots pf problems in adult life. 😢❤
I remember the day, at 13 years old, suddenly realising I was physically as big as my mother and the thought was like a thunder bolt - I don't have to take this (emotional) abuse anymore - and I turned on her. That was the end of my fearful placating behaviour. She said that was the day she lost her daughter. But I only remember naming my feelings because of that day, otherwise I would remember nothing. I only remember events, not any of my feelings at the time. The rage was allowed to surface and it never dissipated. But I was already damaged at the core and I've never managed to out grow the belittlement and scorn
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I was the one who both parents confided in and complained about each other but if I needed them I was selfish and difficult and it was always my fault no matter what happened. I was beaten once when my father list some money, accused me if stealing but I didn't. Beaten one afternoon after school, apparently I upset my father so much he fell off the garage roof.
I loved music it was my escape. Also I rode a dirt bike and when the eruption happened with my narc Dad, I put my helmet on and rode all day. Funny. Now I love concerts, and seeing musicals and ride a Harley. All gives me happiness and peace. oh and I am a night owl bad. Never connected that one. Quiet time of day. But everything Jerry says happened with myself or my siblings. My one saving grace was my best friend up the road, her Dad was a state trooper (large intimating guy) and HATED my Dad so I was always allowed up there (he loved me like his own) and Dad totally left me alone because he knew her Dad 1st hated him, and 2nd would protect me and let me stay. My Dad held that boundary thank goodness.
You hit everything sooo accurately, Jerry! Thank you for helping me get right back in touch with myself by helping me remember the things I did to try to protect myself!🐦
You are so welcome
Jerry thank you for the Road to Self program it is saving my life! Where has it been all my life?? I joined at the beginning of the year and I’ve gained more from the program then 20 years in therapy with multiple therapists! Thank you for existing!!❤️
Respect from Greece.
This is me. And I'm reexperiencing it now as a result of being dropped into a live-in carer role to my old mother. I adapted in all these ways back then, and I'm doing it now. I had no idea it was what so many others were doing, until the last couple of years.
I'm stunned at this list. It's absolutely the story of my childhood.
Both of my parents were narcissists. I was afraid to talk around them because they would berate me. I could never figure their behavior out until I learned about narcissists. I was so withdrawn until my doctor prescribed Paroxetine for me. I have now taken 20 mg for many years and I feel like a human being! I am so happy that I was started on it!
That's so good to hear. SSRIs are a great help to soothe the damaged mind and soul. I take a very small amount to assist me in daily life too. I am now very rebellious, quick witted, no BS, tell.it like it is, low tolerance of azzholes kinda person. I got my confidence back and rightly so, now I use it to keep other narcs out if my life.
It was books for me, but I never got to finish a book because my mom threw them in the trash.
I just want to hug you.. 😢 Books are such a blessing, it hurts so much to see such an awful behavior. ❤
Sometimes I couldn't find my fave toys or cloths. They had been either thrown out or given away
@@enlumineresse Thank you for the sentiment, very thoughtful of you. Don’t be too sad for me, the harmful patterns ended with my daughter. She is free and that is more important to me than anything.
I'm so happy for you and your daughter! It's great those patterns ended. Healing is possible.
@@SibyllaCumana Same. 💔
- 00:22 🧒 Survival Tactics: Children in dysfunctional families adopt survival behaviors due to toxic or emotionally immature parents.
- 00:42 📚 Escapism: Many found refuge in books, TV, or other media to avoid home chaos.
- 01:08 🌙 Late Nights: Staying up late was a common coping mechanism, creating moments of safety and freedom.
- 01:58 🧼 Control Through Cleanliness: Keeping a spotless room helped create a sense of control; alternatively, some left rooms messy to keep family at bay.
- 02:55 👁️ Mood Monitoring: Hypervigilance about family members' moods was essential for emotional self-protection.
- 03:46 🙏 Apologizing Excessively: Saying “sorry” became a way to maintain peace, often at the expense of self.
- 04:34 🤐 Staying Quiet: Some avoided speaking at family meals to dodge potential conflict.
- 05:11 🤒 Pretending to be Sick: Faking illness helped some avoid emotionally draining interactions.
- 05:41 🎨 Hobby Immersion: Many dove into solitary hobbies to escape family tension.
- 06:03 🗣️ Agreeing to Please: Agreeing with toxic parents’ views or desires helped avoid conflict and criticism.
- 06:46 🚪 Bathroom Sanctuary: The bathroom became a rare place of solitude and safety.
- 07:09 😢 Private Crying: Many cried in secret to avoid shame or criticism for expressing emotion.
- 08:09 🍽️ Quick, Private Eating: Rushing meals or eating alone minimized exposure to family conflict.
- 08:18 🧠 Conversation Prep: Rehearsing conversations became a common tactic to anticipate potential negative responses.
- 08:48 🙂 Forced Smiling: Smiling despite pain helped mask emotions and avoid judgment.
- 09:31 🚫 Avoiding Friends at Home: Avoiding friends’ visits helped prevent embarrassment over family behavior.
- 09:48 🎭 Adopting Others’ Interests: Changing hobbies or preferences to align with family was common to avoid criticism.
- 10:32 🏆 Hiding Success: Downplaying accomplishments helped prevent jealousy or criticism from family members.
- 10:53 🚀 Staying Busy: Filling the day with activities helped avoid toxic family interactions.
- 11:20 ❌ Avoiding Help Requests: Refusing to ask for help became a defense against perceived weakness.
- 11:53 👀 Envy of Other Families: Observing healthy family dynamics often led to wishing for a different family experience.
Thanks for posting!
Thanks for the list!
OMG, you got it right. I learned to cry without making a sound, so nobody would know ...
... So I would remain invisible ...
... Because that's what I was SUPPOSED to be: Invisible. 😭
Books, check, stayed up late and watched horror shows check, out alone in nature with the cats dog horse and cows check. Driving alone check skipping class check. I have an adult relative who has been diagnosed autistic and I suspect he’s just dealing with the toxic environment he’s in. Oh yes the bathroom trick. I was home sick and it drew negative attention shame. I never related these things to that. Thanks.
Omg the smiling thing. People notice that to this day but pretend it’s not there. I couldn’t get through school pictures.
I’m having a bit of a hard time integrating with a relative that’s fairly healthy but has changed and I’ve changed. It’s been like 30 years. Very stressful trying to be my true self while not being critical or disagree with their beliefs behaviors and actually I feel gaslit because my behaviors are not really all that acceptable without some kind of reaction that feels like a negative judgement. Complex situation but I think worth it.
I still carry some of the behaviors now. I think sometimes smiling is difficult because it’s attached to memories of smiling through pain. Then I’m once again smiling through pain. If I could just accept myself feeling like crying when smiling or getting caught in the pain it would probably dissipate. As it is I am afraid of people’s reactions. Maybe that’s the eureka in this. Instead of their reactions I need to go inside and care for myself from the inside out. I’ll try that next time. Thank you 🙏
Yep. Most all this. 😥
So accurate. On the hobbies, I just went the other way and did everything alone. That kept me super busy. So interesting how this worked out.
One thing I know as an adult: I am absolutely terrified of anyone knowing my true self. I am completely and utterly ashamed of who I am, my past, my thoughts and actions. It’s a constant fear and worry and causes various difficulties. Even after years of recovery, there is still a cringing little boy inside of me that thinks he is contemptible and disgusting.
Yep. It's amazing growing up listening to explosive outbursts, mental and physical abuse, high criticism, and expected to go to College. I'm still a failure living in depression, anxiety, and isolation. Alcohol makes me happy.
Yep!!!!
I have been self employed with businesses for 30 years. I really struggle, feel a total failure despite having made money and lots of assets for my decades of labor. I don't feel worthy of having money, I hoard it, spend little, live frugally, feel.immense guilt and shame spending on myself for big ticket items like a car. Anxiety, depression, auto immune disease, had a stammer for decades and lost it for the most part when I got sober in recovery.
I have done a lot of work on myself and it takes time. I hope you will also take time to discover who you really are away from the abuse and bullying of your suck parents. God bless!
That last point really hit home. I watched TV shows like the Waltons and others (grew up in the 70s). My family was never like that. My mom once told me that I used to cry without making a sound, only the tears fell down. The older I get, the less I can stand her. Whenever I tried to talk about what it was like with my mom, all I would get is 'she loves you'. BS.
Even though I loved/love reading, it was/is difficult to read sometimes because of disocciation, actual physical pain in my brain due to stress, and perfectionism (a coping mechanism due to the need for control in the midst of chaos).
wow same…. i also felt “unworthy” of the fun of it 😣
Oh yeah - perfectionism. Its almost as bad as alcoholism.
@@edwardgreacen1833 Yes. It controls every aspect of your life.
Ooof. These videos hit close to home. I would sneak up late at night to play videogames until the morning light started coming over the horizon, then slept through classes at school. And that's just the first two.
These are so accurate. I'm blown away by how specific and relatable these behaviors are.
I became addicted to books very badly. I studied for 14 years without interruption, even to relieve stress outside of school. Even my hobbies was books . Now I can't enjoy at all, I can't relax. The waste of time hurts my heart. I have improved myself well but I still can't get into business life.
I had to RANSOM myself to have my Self...that doesn't work out too well.😅
Yeah we spend the rest of our lives trying to find our authentic self amongst the confusing mess of our adopted adaptive behaviors.
Another great video where you made bingo on all the points. Wow, it seems like you know my family. Thank you. This tells me that I m not wrong about my parents' distorted reality and all the fake I have to play when I m around them. I actually "had" since now I only have one parent
I am 68+1 now and for 15 years have hoped and tried to be closer with my older sister by almost 5 years. We live far away from each other for decades and mom and dad deceased for 20+ years. So...
Recently in a conversation about our parents and our childhood, I said something about only having vague memories of playing with but also when a little older, by the time I was 8, being told that she was 'too old for me'. Then my sis replied "yeah they never taught us to be close really." I wanted to retort the few friends I had with sisters 5 yrs older that did things happily and joyfully together BUT I bit my tongue. I wanted to say 'bur since I can remember, 2 or 3 years old, we both endured their loud deafening screaming matches that lasted til the wee hours in the same house, but I never felt my sister cared that I was broken hearted, sobbing into my pillow. It HURT SO BAD. But to hear her rationalize we ha 'never been taught' to play together hurt even worse because I could tell by other friends with big sisters that it was natural for big sisters to look out for and care about younger siblings when in hurtful situations like we were almost daily growing up. I get why she rejected our parents and moved away in her teens, so did I 5 yrs later! What I don't get is why she has rejected me along with them.. it has only gotten harder to build the loving sisterly love I always wanted and needed, I have to really be tactful talking to her. She is easily offended and often I regret even trying because she becomes extremely defensive, taking things completely the wrong way .
Right now I haven't texted or talked to her for 2 months. I am sick to death of the rejection, often in subtle ways so that if I ever call it out I get told that isn't how it happened, what she said or what she meant. A lifetime of being disparaged by the one I looked up to and longed for all through our growing years. I know she will call if I go a year or two, because that has been the pattern for years. And then I am so happy she calls BUT then, I am always reminded in these conversations that she doesn't love me enough to include me... I really don't even know much about her lise after she escaped our shared horrifying upbringing. I regret having to do that again and remain pensive about it. 💔😔
Its the narc legacy. Same with my older sister 5 years older. All of you have the childhood trauma of the neglect and not taught to care about each other. Your sister never saw caring from your parents. Blaming her is simplistic narc legecy thinking, expecting her to have been unaffected. She is as innocent as you are. 🎉🎉🎉
@@juliej1520 hi Julie, about 25 yrs ago I invited myself to her home for Christmas eve. I had never met 3 of my nieces and a nephew and I just wanted to be known. It didn't go well for me noticing that they all showed no interest. It was as if they already knew me through whatever my sister had shown them. I bought them all nice presents and watched them open them on Xmas eve then the flight back home, wishing they had all been more welcoming. Since that day I still have never been included. Years ago she even said 'you are not my family I have my own family now, knowing I had no kids and would love to be the doting aunty. Ha!
Anyway, I have lead a solitary life. We also never stayed in one place for long growing up and we have both expressed the regrets of by the time you make a few friends, you have to move away, so neither of us have lifelong friends.
I think about the next time she will finally get a hold of me and how I always bring up places we lived and asking her things I hope she remembers more about than I do about our upbringing BECAUSE otherwise we know little to nothing about each other's adult lives. But then I think about how much she adores her 12 grandkids and that she is almost 75 now and I think NO don't try to involve yourself anymore because there is every indication from her and now adult children who have never even been curious enough about me as their aunt to ever want to just call to say hi.
I don't blame her at all, I just always wanted us all to love each other and after both parents died I couldn't see a future where she and I wouldn't grow closer as we grew old. I am coming to terms that her life will be happier I stop trying to show her that she has a little sister who wants to be accepted, loved and a part of her loving life because I do want her to have her blissful family life to not be bothered by a little sister she never really loved. I love her so I finally need to let go of the fantasy of being friends as adults.. and it's OKAY 🥰
The parents seem to be happy being stunted in a juvenile emotional state, not wanting to change or ever be accountable for their actions. I was never a child and had to go numb and hide to survive until I could escape through academics, only later to unpick the massive ball of knots and go no contact.
Grew up with a narc father and a mother that wasnt emotionally there. I loved to hid in the house or outside for peace and quiet, i still love to be alone but when I went to college for nursing I found my strengh and voice. I am very outspoken, everyone knows my opinion and I do NOT allow anyone to speak down to me because I cut them out of my life because life is too short to put up with peoples bad behavior. Our next door neighbor and now ex friend has learned that. At age 84 our neighbor is learning what he should have learned in 1st grade.
I knew better than to say anything more than once. And OMG you are spot on about staying up way late because needing the peace.
People pleasing. Trying to kill my sensitivity. Trying to be someone else, dont know who but now myself.
I escaped into fantasy so much that as an adult i becsme a writer. As a child i saw my stepmom (stepmonster) as the Great Fiery Dragon 😂
Ha. I have a similar motif for a parent.
🎉hobby - we loved the Wimbledon tennis when Nastase was playing and bought and created a scrapbook which we enjoyed doing- narc mother ripped the scrapbook in half.
ouch🙁
I could definitely relate to staying up late, because it was peaceful Also, having friends over on weekends meant no yelling in front of your friends and that was a way to control what happened. When adults say they want to control their environment, it's because they felt they had no control back then. If you lost control back then, it always backfired. You can't out-yell a yeller, so you look for any way to feel like you have some control and the whole family looks at you like are a problem because you didn't keep quiet and tip-toe around all the time. I did not find out what "the silent-treatment" was until I was an adult.