I started realizing what boundaries are when I started dating my boyfriend. He's been extremely encouraging of healthy boundaries and emotional maturity. Since I started dating him, my mother has said to me "You're not nice anymore." Cause I'm more confident and now stand up for myself and my boyfriend.
My family has never valued me as an actual human being. Cutting them off a few years ago was one of the best decision I’ve ever made. Excruciatingly painful, but so good for me. I’m free to be me and work hard on becoming a new healthy person who is worthy of genuine love.
Totally. Totally. I've cut them off too and for the first time in my life I am finally getting short glimpses of what freedom is and what is independence and my self.
Thought my family would be happy or proud of me for trying to take better care of myself but I was wrong . They wanted me to be fat and unhealthy so they can make fun of me . Bunch of effing immature bullies . Thanks for this video Julia !
Glad this connected Mike. And know that your boundaries were bringing up their anxieties, and their unkind behaviour had nothing to do with you - it was them off-setting their own discomfort.
OMG! Same here. My own father even had the audacity to tell me that he liked me better when I was fat! How disgusting. Your own family can be so damn toxic.
I gave up on trying to set healthy boundaries with my family a long time ago. The non-stop guilt trips and push-backs were mentally exhausting. I finally just gave up on communication all together. It was hard at first because I never realized just how used to the dysfunction I was. But it's been the best thing I've ever done for myself both mentally and physically.
Yes, my mom said to me a couple times over these last few months, " What happened you used to be so nice?" I'm a 44 year old grown woman working on knowing and practicing healthy boundaries with my mom and my 3 young adult children.
I’m 44 years old as well and finally learning the same. That comment sounds exactly like what my mom would say. But i know better now and can see through the guilt trips. Kudos to you for seeing the light and taking care of your mental health.
Better at 44 than 52…that’s me! 52 years old and trying to figure out who and what I really am because I’ve spent my entire life trying to please everyone else except myself to the point that I don’t even really know who I am! I don’t say that to be pitiful, it’s simply the truth and in all honesty, it’s my own fault!
Well, that's not totally true. It's not the honesty that hurts their feelings, it's what they make that honesty mean that does. We can't actually make someone feel a certain way.
When I moved out of state my sister in law thought it was funny to taunt me about the baseball team I like, I was 26 weeks pregnant and i let the taunting and teasing go on for months until I spoke up because I was terrified to speak up and ask them to please stop! 5 months it took for me to finally say something to her and even then I feel I was way too nice about it. I still get angry about it. Trying to heal. Til I found Julia I didn’t even know wtf a boundary was but now that I’ve learned I’ve looked back and realized how many times I should have set one but I had no idea how. I thought speaking up for myself made me annoying and then people wouldn’t like me and I needed to be liked by everyone. Now I see that’s a PRISON to live in
I speak up and I'm not well liked but, I'm happy my real pain tho no one likes me to speak up..n. one. likes me, lol I'm may be over board tho I can learn tho...I believe
Chances are, if you're here, you know in your heart who is healthy, and who is not. Toxic people are to be avoided. They always try to bring you down. Stay strong!
I have a tendency that I could be 50% toxic. If I don’t use tools to regulate my own behavior, for example, introspection, awareness and boundaries. To one side, there is always it’s opposite or potential for this.
I don’t know when we all thought, abandoning ourselves was OK. It’s OK to be selfish in a healthy way. Just like the oxygen mask on the plane, if we are unable to put our own on, we will not be able to help others… So to speak but it’s not our job to fix others it’s our job to decide, and delineate the lines in what we will tolerate.
I can’t tell you how pertinent this video is for my life right now. For the first time I am starting to set healthy boundaries. I have had all the pushbacks!! , called selfish, ridiculed and guilt tripped. I have even had a blip where I have said yes to a request from family member when in my head the boundary alarms where sounding really loudly..... but I am keeping going. It feels scary sometimes but I am starting to feel the empowerment and freedom, it’s like taking a sack of rocks from your back. Thank you for all your videos Julia, they have really helped me and I have shared them out. Merry Christmas from England 🎄
Thank you for your comment, Rachel, when you said “it’s like taking a sack of rocks from your back” that struck home with me. As I’ve been contemplating beginning to say no, I felt so much fear, until I read your remark and though of how tired and burdened I feel. If I can learn to say no, I can let go of this “sack of rocks”. Oh boy do I want to put this sack of rocks down. Thanks :)
Congratulations Rachael K! Hopefully, by now, 10 months later, you will have exercised you ‘boundaries’ muscles enough it has become you instant reflex to toxic exchanges. During my freedom from ‘the past’ codependent relationships and codependent actions, I saw myself as a toddler with this huge diaper or nappy dragging behind me full of toxic waste. Now I’m free! I’m a lady now with age appropriate clothing!
Julia, I operate an outreach clinic for mental health care and substance abuse recovery in Anchorage. Alaska. I’ve used your videos for our Healthy Boundaries group and for our Relapse Prevention class for nearly 2 years. Thank you for every good thing you are doing. People are getting well.
I love boundaries. It was truly understanding the beauty of this aspect, that taught me so much about responsibility and the importance of my happiness for all of relationships. My issue is that my violator and unwilling-to - cooperate person is my boyfriend. It's been a year, and I have ZERO appropriate response to my requests. It's eating me up inside, and this is going to be the sole reason for ending things. I will not let someone continue to disregard my needs. Maybe his discomfort feels less than good. But so does getting ignored and disrespected. Pray for me!
Julia, your videos are so timely, spot on, and filled with relational WISDOM! Seriously, I feel so much stronger and braver just listening to you articulate these liberating truths. Often when I feel I need to reset my emotional equilibrium, I find myself tuning in to a Julia Kristina video, and immediately I feel more calm and empowered. You have definitely found your true calling; and WE, your viewers and subscribers, are so much the better for it. Be blessed!
It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, boundaries are essential to make it work ! respecting always yourself and putting yourself first and your best interest, having always a great communication with the other !
A few years ago, I set boundaries with my mom. We had a huge falling out and I didn't talk to her for months. But I'm so happy to say that not only has she adjusted to and started respecting my boundaries, she set boundaries for me. I'm so proud of her that even at her age she is choosing to grow as a person rather than staying stagnant. I write this to say that communication can truly mend relationships and although it may take a while, don't give up on hope 🥰 but of course you can't expect anything from anyone but yourself and not everyone will see their flaws and actually do something about it.
I had to cut off my sister because she is an alcoholic and abuses the people around her. I tried to set boundaries with her for years and she just didn't care. My parents were the ones who couldn't handle the separation between us. They've come around more as they've witnessed more of her behavior, but they still keep holding on to the idea of the perfect family and I occasionally get guilt trips for it. I have to remind them that I have a family too that needs protection from her. My oldest son and my sisters youngest are close and I often have to keep them apart. I hate to have to be a wall between them but alcoholics don't raise healthy children. I am often denying them interaction due to the circumstances of what is going on. For example, I will not let my son go to my sister's house or to a relatives house where the adults (a.k.a. my parents) will take off and leave them alone. They can be together in places where there is appropriate adult supervision and rules.
Absolutely. Keeping your babies safe trumps everything else - even if people get hurt, even if people disagree with your choices. Theirs, and your safety comes first.
My mother was a drug abuser for a long time and my uncle kept my cousin away from me. She moved out the day after highschool, and has always had problems with how controlling her father was about the situation. We were so close as kids and I felt that I was being punished or was being looked down upon for being caught in the situation. I encourage you to rethink.
I didn’t know what boundaries were until I knew what they were. It was so empowering to find out boundaries were to regulate my own behavior. I have tried to control other people by actively stating boundaries, not having strong boundaries, hoping they would change, etc. It didn’t work, now I find out, I can use it and it’s a tool, so I don’t get upset. We don’t try to set boundaries we set them, and then we stay true, and not abandon ourselves.
You are brilliant! Thank you so much for this. I have recently written my entire family off after their response to me setting boundaries. Their response was exactly how you described. My entire family - brother, mother, father, uncle, aunt and cousin. Have always felt uncomfortable with them, always waiting for their next subtle emotional abuse. I feel even more justified now for my choice to value myself and not allow the emotional abuse my mother and the rest of the entire family has inflicted upon my since I was a child. Thank you 🙏🏻
Healthy boundaries are a whole new concept for me. I was taught, growing up, that my feelings and opinions didn't matter; and, I've always had horrible self-esteem. This stuff is a brand new skill set. Thank you, Julia.
Thank you, Julia, for this honest, true and personal explanation of what to expect when setting up your boundaries. I’m 54 now, trying to break free from a life of inadequate boundary setting. It’s a mayor challenge to unlearn. Takes buckets of energy and sometimes sleepless nights. But I’m in to succeed. Thank you very much for your encouraging videos!
Ok, I'm so ready for this! It is my husband that I need to set boundaries with. I have always backed down and I am just so tired of feeling defeated. Thank you for this video!
Omg I'm experiencing this very thing right now! I've finally recognized and admitted my codependency and stop being a doormat and people pleaser. I've started setting reasonable boundaries and not letting ANYONE cross them. Just like any reasonable and sane person would do. And do you know what? People in my life both locally and friends at a distance are giving me RESISTANCE. They don't like the new me that doesn't give them a free pass just because they're a friendly narc ex or a best friend for 36 years who lashes out at me when I'm trying to be emotionally supportive of him and I'm accused of "interrogation". I'm so shocked. I didn't imagine anybody in my life would resist my efforts to break free from codependency. Utterly shocked. I want to hide from all of these people. Thankfully they're not in contact with me in person.
Toxic codependency is a horrible state to live in! As I began setting my boundaries, there was so much opposition! It was like everyone else believed they had the right to do as they pleased without regard for others and their choices. It took a while to realize the true nature of boundary setting for me. It wasn’t for everyone else, but for me only. I am not responsible for the choices of others, but only for myself. If I were to say a boundary was for someone else, then I’d be just as guilty of manipulation as the one that offends me! I’m not here to teach them a lesson! I’m living my life with choices I’ve made with my boundaries to protect my mind, heart, and soul. My abusive ex-spouse is the classic narcissist. I actually love him more than he’ll ever be able to fathom. I grieve for his state, but am not compelled to live in misery for the rest of my life.
Geauxtama I’m glad my remarks have helped you in some way. I have been very outspoken about this topic for the last nearly 20 years. I just hope another might glean something from it all. Will you tell me what specifically was helpful? I find verbalizing (writing) about things help lead me to new insights. Regards...
PaintFlicker The idea that boundary setting is for you and not other people and you don’t need other people to approve of your boundaries. Just gotta accept it. But I always feel bad for upsetting someone over something I want. I’ve never truly allowed myself to want and to have, without having to qualify it in some insanely demanding way.
Apparently, this is cultural. In our family and in our extended family I should say, we just say watch your mouth, or mind your business, or get the F out of here. Boundaries are easy when you grow up in boundaries. I'm getting a new perspective on things just listening to you. It's a good perspective
My parents divorced when i was 3 and brother was 5. We lived with grandparents for 9 yrs...went to dads on weekends, mom would drop us off. I always heard..." we have to work". It wasnt until i became a parent that I no longer excepted this excuse. But the positive thing...i was became independent and gave my child the love that i needed. Today, im happily married, son is also married and I am self employed. Its crazy how the past is the recipe of who I am. I have feelings but I know i needed it all to happen to make me who I am today.
I took a screenshot of this and wrote "PREDATOR!" at the top. This is prey training so they can get their supply, aka your energy, served up whenever they want. It might be time to just walk away, Shut it down, whatever works for you. Your worth being loved with your boundaries and being able to love someone with theirs. Honestly, it's the only true love. Anything else is a toxic mimic and many times is not intentionally abusive but unintentional disrespect is still disrespect. They've got stuff to work out, but you don't need to let them work it out on you.
I’ve already set my boundaries with my family last year, but I just needed the confirmation that it was ok to do so. ...and that it’s going to probably be ok. Thank you very much for this video!💜
After being too accommodating and people pleasing, some of my staff started to say things like what happened to you? You're so different now, you used to be so nice. Really messed with my head because it's always been so important to me to make sure people feel valued and cared for.
I had the exact the Same experience. Be strong. Ignore it. They just abuse your kindness. Thye know you are sensitive and caring person, and they just want to take advantage of it. Warmest regards! Good luck! 🌸
Wowwww yes. My husband claimed to our couples therapist that I was going off the radar, when I went OUT to go do devotionals when times were very bad because I was scared to be home. He painted me as the bad guy claiming I was purposefully not telling him where I was... (location services are ON on my phone lol) that I’m not being safe because we live in Mexico. Couples therapist ate it up. It was completely untrue confabulation.
At 40 now I can honestly say I've always had low self esteem, but a month ago I made a decision after self reflection that learning too be assertive and setting boundaries had too happen. Its the best decision I've ever made, confidence is growing everyday x
Thank you again! My Boundaries have been set, even in my late 40’s, it’s a scary move. I’m the only sibling w/out human kids. Recently, I have heard a sibling say ‘I place others people needs before my own’”, I know why they say those words💔 I want to tell all of you here on this thread, I know it’s going to be difficult. it’ll be worth it for all of us❤️
YAY new subbie. Thanks for this video, I really learned how to set boundaries at age 25/ 26. I had a former friend I used to go to church with. At 1st she seemed cool, slowly but surely she started asking for favors & car rides all the time. Everyone needs compassion, favors or a helping hand from time to time. If they are constantly asking for favors or too dependent on others, please bow out quickly. Anyhow I finally told her No & she had an attitude about it. Good Riddance.
Yes I finally was forced to set a boundary with my best friend because I literally could not take the non stop ridiculous drama any longer and when I simply said I needed a break from the situation suddenly I have NO compassionate and I have NO empathy and how dare I not be there for her (for the hundredth time in the same situation she continually put herself in for well over a year). When I told her I would not allow her to manipulate me she called me a narcissist. I know I was a good friend to her, I was always there for her to support and encourage and help her in every way I possibly could, but the relationship had devolved into being all about her and it was making me crazy. When she called me the N word, I was done. I have forgiven her and I pray for her but have not seen her since then and I can’t afford to allow her into my life again. I don’t need drama, chaos and temper tantrums in my life from anyone.
Thank you so much Julia!!! This was much needed and something i’ve been struggling with for as long as I can remember till this very day. Hoping to enter 2020 with healthy boundaries without any GUILT.. which is also a killer to battle. It would be interesting to hear you talk about the origin of guilt. Happy holidays love!💕
No matter how many conversations about boundaries I've had, I still find so much value in being reminded how it's not always easy for either party and to let others adjust to our boundaries while we stay firm in our decision, lest we inadvertently train them that our flimsy "boundaries" are actually an invitation to be coerced. Great video! Thanks again, Julia ‐ Love your work!
Good Evening. I have Lupus for 16 years and now l'm seen a therapist but l'm starting to follow you. She told me that for my healt l need to create a boundaries to my family.
I was listening you now and you are helping me a lot. Where is your office located ? I wish you have a office in Miami. I'm starting tomorrow to write some words in a paper so that way l can start to set up my boundaries. Thanks. GOD BLESS YOU
My my brother, my mom and her extended family have used me and used me and used me and then turned around and called me selfish and weak for every small need I have ever expressed. At 47, I am finally realizing that I will never be enough.
Healthy boundaries only work with healthy people. Those who want to keep old patterns and keep doing the same toxic behavior will resist your change. They will argue. They will pout. They will try to manipulate the situation. They will blame. They will point fingers and try to make you feel guilty. Pray for them. Pray because they do not realize that the boundaries are for you and you alone. Change for the better is doing something right for you. And you alone. I can't be held responsible for people's other choices and I will not hold them to mine. When I've set boundaries with family and so-called friends the ones not receptive tried to make me feel guilty. I don't feel bad for changing for me. I won't be ridiculed nor made to feel bad for making choices for me that are right for me. If they can't handle my choice, then they'll walk away. Let. Them. Go. I know I did. Life is much more peaceful without handling toxic, immature behavior. Lesson well learned. Thank you Julia.
Finally found the video that talks about my current situation to a T. Being in a family with strong Asian culture where you're expected to be subservient to parents until (or ever after!) marriage, it's hard to make family understand the concept of boundaries as we grow up. And as someone who puts great value in self-sufficiency and independence, it's a huge problem for me. Thank you for this!
Thank you so much. You have really done alot of research on dysfunctional families. This just touches on me,my challenges and dysfunctional family. May be I have not clearly spoken about boundary settings. I am learning now. You are part of my online community. This is where I have found acceptance and like mindedness. I have been exploited,violated, gaslit and humiliated for way too long. I think am part of the problem due to luck of clear communication. And I have accumulated alot of anger. I will continue this lessens
Thank you so much, this is obviously my most important topic/lesson I need to learn. As a high empath, highly sensitive person, I have very big problem set up boundaries in relationships, and it is causing me lifetime problems. I hope I can finally learn and be in full power.
It's sorta funny how difficult people can be all around you and not just in your family, but I just kind of immerse myself from the future and picturing me saying that I am glad that I got that over with.
This video was a huge confirmation of being on the right path. After executing my boundaries and then having them challenged continually, I finally said I would pull away completely from the family and I am. I am at the really uncomfortable stage where probably relationships are ending. It goes different ways with different people. Its about being good with myself despite the severance of those ties. Not easy yet.
Hi, I’ve been listening to your videos on gaslighting and setting boundaries, and more. I can’t tell you how grateful I am! How much this is speaking to me at a time I need it so much!! I just had to stop seeing my adult son, and your message is just what I need to hear. I’m learning what I need to do myself and how to identify and understand what he’s been doing to me. Again thank you!
There is a lot of talking about boundaries, but too little about counter-moves or push-backs. But they are actually the ones we need to learn to tolerate and are the key to succes.
Great topic!!! There is an extended family member in our family who can smile in your face and then turn around be disrespectful and talk behind everyone's back yet because she's family everyone accepts how she is but I for one don't want to be the same way as everyone else in the family
It's really awesome that you don't vilify the perpetrators but bring understanding as to why they do what they do, and never attack the person but correct their actions.
My mom would say....I’m so sensitive. I’m so difficult to be around....I’m crazy....I’ve done so much for you and this is how you treat me.....or condescending comments. ❤️❤️❤️❤️great subject to go over. This is so important.
Hey Julia, thanks for sharing your wisdom on this topic, it's one I find particularly challenging after being a recovering people pleaser. Your words helped me understand I'm not wrong for being authentic and setting healthy boundaries. To anyone who has an adult sibling who still has crying tantrums or still utilises silent treatment or accuses you of "always" or "never" doing something or tells your parents what you've done to hurt them, I hope you don't give in and stick with your boundaries. Be grounded in your truth. Only apologise for your actions, not because someone can't handle your boundary.
OH MY GOSH Kristina ..... I "messed with" my siblings system, once a year ago and another time about 15 years ago ...... and "they didn't like it". One time I turned up for my Dad's 80th birthday party, and another his funeral. I tried to get them on board and have never been able, as you say. I've said 'NO, I've had enough' and removed my self. I'm the naughty one!! You have 'nailed it' thank you!! Yup, it's all me "what's wrong with you", they say. And so on. Free-er, happier, fuller, yes, I'm happier.
Listening to the first part of your video was painful. It hit all my buttons, but at the end I felt relieved when you made the point of what’s the point of if you can’t say no then someone always wants your yes. It makes you realize who is for you and who is not. It brought comfort. It can help weed out the people that you’ve out grown.
When I first moved out of my parent’s house, I was told by my sister how selfish I was. It’s harder now for me to set boundaries with the man I’m living with. It’s also very hard for me to see how toxic I can be. Thanks for this. Happy holidays 🥳
i really admire how you don't go into shaming and blaming the people that we're trying to establish boundaries with. i find that a lot of these videos of videos from other coaches on youtube immediately call the other people names and say that they're completely selfish and narcissistic, and it's too black and white. you let us know that we will experience pushback, and the reason is very neutral and reasonable. i like how you state that the people who we're trying to establish boundaries will feel anxiety as well, instead of saying they're completely selfish and you need to cut them out of your life. when we're unconscious, we like to hold onto the victim mindset and blame the other person for being horrible and energy sapping, but that's distracting us from realising that it's on us to take the first step.
I am rituka, from india and presently living in Norway. I love your videos and am already consulting a psychology. Lots of love and gratitude to you :)
Please do an episode on dealing with expectations! When I realize I have an expectation an it’s not met how do I handle that because ultimately I KNOW it not their responsibility to deal with it.
I'm so thankful for finding you!!!!!! I have prayed for help. I'm turning 50 this year and have been a people pleaser my whole life and I recently had a complete break down and it really scared me. Thank you so much for doing this 💜
Hey, thank you so much for this teaching. I feel in the beginning of my journey towards learning how to set (and keep!) healthy boundaries. I have been through a shame and guilt storm thinking I’ve harmed someone close to me. But what happened is hat I’ve said “no” for the first time after almost a year of saying “yes”. I feel relieved because it gives me hope that I can do it and that I’m not a complete selfish person. Going back in there.
Merry Christmas Julia and everyone else who has watched this. May 2020 be the year that we set healthy boundaries and have good mental and physical health. Blessings to all!
Christmas Eve. Good timing for the release of this very relevant video clip. All the family interactions out there. Be strong, people. Hold fast those boundaries.
Brilliant Julia! So important to speak about this !!! 👏👏👏 It is true, what the my coach says: the people most upset by your seeting boundries, are the ones that abuse them the most 🙄 It is very true. I have been hearing all my life from my mother those things you quoted. She was expert in violating boundries and playing a blame game. It took me 30 years to realise what a crap that was, and that there was nothing wrong with me…
Wow. This is what I needed to hear today! I've heard so many of these sayings. But I'm committed to keeping my boundaries. Another thing I've heard family say is, "if the people in this family and in my life are not going to give when I'm constantly giving so much to others then I will cut those people out of my life QUICK. I don't want people like that in my life. I'm not going to stay in a one sided relationships". Thanks for this video!
Great video! You are right on on all of this! Great illustration with the toddler and the candy at the checkout. Thank you ; you help keep me going & trying to be emotionally healthy---a lifetime job!
Thank you such a great video. I'm still working on this worrying about others will think if I've a disagree. However I've learnt setting boundaries and doing whats best for me is much better for my happiness and health and therefore my Fiance and daughters as im more confident thanks again
This is such a great topic. Very on time for the holiday season. I started setting boundaries, loving myself self, and putting my mental health first because I am a very empathetic person and absorb energies. Some things I’ve heard are “You’ve changed”, “You’re selfish.” If I was respected enough, they would respect my boundaries which is why I have to be distant with them. Barely talk to my moms side of the family and I feel stronger and in control because I do not have to deal with the abuse. Sorry not sorry.
After listening to this and many other of your videos thank you very much I have learned a lot. Yesterday I sat a much-needed boundary with my sister, after six months of being pushed around and spoken to disrespectfully I very nicely told her I wasn’t having it anymore. I told her what I would do and what I wouldn’t do to help her care for our mother. I got all the backlash that you listed in this video plus her last words to me were “screw you”. Even though my sister has cut off our relationship, I am so much more at peace now.
I really needed to hear this Julia. You got yourself a subscriber and follower from Northern Europe (scandinavia). Setting boundaries are also teaching others how you want to be treated. If they don't comply, it's their problem.
I'm 55 and dealing with an issue with a sister right now who just told me on Christmas about how she visited my ex-wife, whom I've been divorced from for seven years. I really didn't want to hear that she was interacting with my ex-wife AT ALL, as they weren't ever even familiar with each other to begin with. I haven't talked to her about it yet as I felt a need to process a little bit of shock which went along with it first. I've pondered telling her or sending her a voice message stating to her that I don't mind her interacting with my ex-wife if she feels the need to do so, but unless it's something that she might want to or feel the need to alert me about, I do not wish to hear about any goings-on between the two of them. However, I can only so vividly imagine her responding to such a request instead of with a simple "Okay" but, rather, "You sound just like Dad.", whereby I'm not even sure whether I ought even bother; I don't like her that much anyway. I do believe if my sister wants to have a healthy relationship with me, she fully understands what she needs to do in order to facilitate it.
Salve Doctore. For years I grew up in an aggressive household. I didn't know I had a lot of unhealthy habits. It took me up until recently to get a therapist. I'm currently having a hard time adjusting to someone's boundaries. This video strikes me with truth about my own behavior. Thank you. I welcome the change in my behavior.
boundaries is legit my favourite word... now that i've been in therapy.... it's like i didn't even know this was in the English language!!!!!! LOVE LIFE & wishing y'all the best too
Great video and has helped me to make sense of my feelings about others trying to break down my barriers and now believing that I am doing the right thing by persisting and holding firm boundaries thank you so much!
I have a super codependent, enmeshed, entitled, passive aggressive, gaslighting, narcissistic unit and when I became aware and set boundaries and removed myself I literally had tons of criticism like “who are you to upset the hierarchy in our home?” “You don’t get to tell me how to treat you.” And so much more and I’m tired of putting myself down to make them feel better and on top of that continue to be kind to them while they talk terribly to me. Even when I speak up and apply things I’ve learned about passive aggression it literally still continues. I’m learning that this is more about me being safe and not having the outcome of them changing their unhealthy behavior
Hello, my name is katt, thank you for doing a video without shaming the victims just looking for validation!! So many therapists on here shame the victims of abuse and narcissistic abuse. It's discussing... So thank you again so much for being compatible!!!!!!
Thank you so much Julia!! I've been watching your different videos, and this again brilliant! It's helped me a lot!I setup boundaries with my husband.I'm feeling so much stronger,I have more energy! I'm enjoying all the lovely activities with my son and friends!!❤🌈🎇
My personal unfavorite: "You've *changed. You *used to be so nice.*" "I thought I could count on you" is another.
@The Upgraded ooooh like this!! 👍
Bull they need to get their life together and respect people s feeliings
I'm still too nice
I’ve been told this when i set those boundaries
Dad thinks I'm a pushover, no longer. No contact with him; he also criticizes me. I've had more than enough.
Do they value me only for my “yes” is so insightful. Awesome talk!
Really glad it connected - thanks for being here Adam.
@@juliakristinamah has always had been the last ppppppppppppppppp
Maybe
It is like saying no is taboo
I started realizing what boundaries are when I started dating my boyfriend. He's been extremely encouraging of healthy boundaries and emotional maturity.
Since I started dating him, my mother has said to me "You're not nice anymore." Cause I'm more confident and now stand up for myself and my boyfriend.
He is your soulmate they teach us lessons .
Woow i hope i get someone like that too . Hope you’re still together and built a great memories
You could be alright
My family has never valued me as an actual human being. Cutting them off a few years ago was one of the best decision I’ve ever made. Excruciatingly painful, but so good for me. I’m free to be me and work hard on becoming a new healthy person who is worthy of genuine love.
I could feel your relief just from reading the second sentence, it's the best feeling ever!!
@@josemanuelsanchezrosales1066 yes, so true :) very freeing.
Totally. Totally.
I've cut them off too and for the first time in my life I am finally getting short glimpses of what freedom is and what is independence and my self.
ditto! painful and sad but so freeing and wonderful!!
I stopped talking to my "father" 8 months ago and never felt myself better.
Thought my family would be happy or proud of me for trying to take better care of myself but I was wrong . They wanted me to be fat and unhealthy so they can make fun of me . Bunch of effing immature bullies . Thanks for this video Julia !
Glad this connected Mike. And know that your boundaries were bringing up their anxieties, and their unkind behaviour had nothing to do with you - it was them off-setting their own discomfort.
Julia Kristina Counselling what do u mean about that? Can u make a video abound bullies.
@@juliakristinamah Thanks yeah I think they are jealous of my goals and achievements .
OMG! Same here. My own father even had the audacity to tell me that he liked me better when I was fat! How disgusting. Your own family can be so damn toxic.
JustJess yep I was liked better when I drank because I was more fun
People get mad when we try to set boundaries.
They are the ones we need boundaries from!
Yea this is very true 😢
😢 glad I’m not the only one who experiences it that way, also sorry you have too.
I gave up on trying to set healthy boundaries with my family a long time ago. The non-stop guilt trips and push-backs were mentally exhausting. I finally just gave up on communication all together. It was hard at first because I never realized just how used to the dysfunction I was. But it's been the best thing I've ever done for myself both mentally and physically.
You have to take care of you first and foremost.
Yes, my mom said to me a couple times over these last few months,
" What happened you used to be so nice?"
I'm a 44 year old grown woman working on knowing and practicing healthy boundaries with my mom and my 3 young adult children.
I’m 44 years old as well and finally learning the same. That comment sounds exactly like what my mom would say. But i know better now and can see through the guilt trips. Kudos to you for seeing the light and taking care of your mental health.
That’s such a typical, pain in the arse reaction….they can’t handle change…and they don’t care about your needs….
Better at 44 than 52…that’s me! 52 years old and trying to figure out who and what I really am because I’ve spent my entire life trying to please everyone else except myself to the point that I don’t even really know who I am! I don’t say that to be pitiful, it’s simply the truth and in all honesty, it’s my own fault!
good for you it's time for you to liiiiive
"You're not nice" - people want you to be nice and that means not hurt their feelings. Honesty often hurts others' feelings.
Well, that's not totally true. It's not the honesty that hurts their feelings, it's what they make that honesty mean that does. We can't actually make someone feel a certain way.
Non violent communication might be of aid! 👍 Works even with toxic people somewhat
Setting boundaries is like dealing with a toddler. Very true.
When I moved out of state my sister in law thought it was funny to taunt me about the baseball team I like, I was 26 weeks pregnant and i let the taunting and teasing go on for months until I spoke up because I was terrified to speak up and ask them to please stop! 5 months it took for me to finally say something to her and even then I feel I was way too nice about it. I still get angry about it. Trying to heal. Til I found Julia I didn’t even know wtf a boundary was but now that I’ve learned I’ve looked back and realized how many times I should have set one but I had no idea how. I thought speaking up for myself made me annoying and then people wouldn’t like me and I needed to be liked by everyone. Now I see that’s a PRISON to live in
I speak up
and I'm not well liked
but, I'm happy
my real pain tho
no one likes me to speak up..n. one. likes me, lol
I'm may be over board tho
I can learn tho...I believe
Yesterday, I was called selfish and disrespectful... I'm so glad I found this video
Chances are, if you're here, you know in your heart who is healthy, and who is not. Toxic people are to be avoided. They always try to bring you down. Stay strong!
I have a tendency that I could be 50% toxic. If I don’t use tools to regulate my own behavior, for example, introspection, awareness and boundaries. To one side, there is always it’s opposite or potential for this.
The better question is, how do you allow this? Empower yourself will help. Much love, growth is a journey and nonlinear constantly unfolding.
You really struck a chord when you talked about the things they are going to say. "you are so selfish". Yes!
The protesting our self-differentiation can be tough to filter through. But know that it's not about you. Take courage my friend.
I don’t know when we all thought, abandoning ourselves was OK. It’s OK to be selfish in a healthy way. Just like the oxygen mask on the plane, if we are unable to put our own on, we will not be able to help others… So to speak but it’s not our job to fix others it’s our job to decide, and delineate the lines in what we will tolerate.
I can’t tell you how pertinent this video is for my life right now. For the first time I am starting to set healthy boundaries. I have had all the pushbacks!! , called selfish, ridiculed and guilt tripped. I have even had a blip where I have said yes to a request from family member when in my head the boundary alarms where sounding really loudly..... but I am keeping going. It feels scary sometimes but I am starting to feel the empowerment and freedom, it’s like taking a sack of rocks from your back. Thank you for all your videos Julia, they have really helped me and I have shared them out. Merry Christmas from England 🎄
Yes! that sack of rocks... and now you get to pass each one back to its rightful owner.
Good for you for doing the work. xoj.
Thank you for your comment, Rachel, when you said “it’s like taking a sack of rocks from your back” that struck home with me. As I’ve been contemplating beginning to say no, I felt so much fear, until I read your remark and though of how tired and burdened I feel. If I can learn to say no, I can let go of this “sack of rocks”. Oh boy do I want to put this sack of rocks down. Thanks :)
Congratulations Rachael K! Hopefully, by now, 10 months later, you will have exercised you ‘boundaries’ muscles enough it has become you instant reflex to toxic exchanges.
During my freedom from ‘the past’ codependent relationships and codependent actions, I saw myself as a toddler with this huge diaper or nappy dragging behind me full of toxic waste. Now I’m free! I’m a lady now with age appropriate clothing!
“Just do it!” That’s what I was told when I tried to put my foot down.
In the guilt category my sister said; You should be so grateful!
Oh yeah, that's a doozy!
Julia, I operate an outreach clinic for mental health care and substance abuse recovery in Anchorage. Alaska. I’ve used your videos for our Healthy Boundaries group and for our Relapse Prevention class for nearly 2 years. Thank you for every good thing you are doing.
People are getting well.
❤
I love boundaries. It was truly understanding the beauty of this aspect, that taught me so much about responsibility and the importance of my happiness for all of relationships.
My issue is that my violator and unwilling-to - cooperate person is my boyfriend. It's been a year, and I have ZERO appropriate response to my requests. It's eating me up inside, and this is going to be the sole reason for ending things.
I will not let someone continue to disregard my needs. Maybe his discomfort feels less than good. But so does getting ignored and disrespected.
Pray for me!
I hope you got out!
@@moonaymc thank you for the encouragement. I'm a slow exit... But I'm reaching the threshold of change.
Red flag!
Julia, your videos are so timely, spot on, and filled with relational WISDOM! Seriously, I feel so much stronger and braver just listening to you articulate these liberating truths. Often when I feel I need to reset my emotional equilibrium, I find myself tuning in to a Julia Kristina video, and immediately I feel more calm and empowered. You have definitely found your true calling; and WE, your viewers and subscribers, are so much the better for it. Be blessed!
Now that is the most thoughtful Christmas gift I could have asked for. Thank you for filling my cup in this way Suzanne - it means a lot.
Agree 100%!!!
It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, boundaries are essential to make it work ! respecting always yourself and putting yourself first and your best interest, having always a great communication with the other !
A few years ago, I set boundaries with my mom. We had a huge falling out and I didn't talk to her for months. But I'm so happy to say that not only has she adjusted to and started respecting my boundaries, she set boundaries for me. I'm so proud of her that even at her age she is choosing to grow as a person rather than staying stagnant. I write this to say that communication can truly mend relationships and although it may take a while, don't give up on hope 🥰 but of course you can't expect anything from anyone but yourself and not everyone will see their flaws and actually do something about it.
I had to cut off my sister because she is an alcoholic and abuses the people around her. I tried to set boundaries with her for years and she just didn't care. My parents were the ones who couldn't handle the separation between us. They've come around more as they've witnessed more of her behavior, but they still keep holding on to the idea of the perfect family and I occasionally get guilt trips for it. I have to remind them that I have a family too that needs protection from her. My oldest son and my sisters youngest are close and I often have to keep them apart. I hate to have to be a wall between them but alcoholics don't raise healthy children. I am often denying them interaction due to the circumstances of what is going on. For example, I will not let my son go to my sister's house or to a relatives house where the adults (a.k.a. my parents) will take off and leave them alone. They can be together in places where there is appropriate adult supervision and rules.
Absolutely. Keeping your babies safe trumps everything else - even if people get hurt, even if people disagree with your choices. Theirs, and your safety comes first.
My mother was a drug abuser for a long time and my uncle kept my cousin away from me. She moved out the day after highschool, and has always had problems with how controlling her father was about the situation. We were so close as kids and I felt that I was being punished or was being looked down upon for being caught in the situation. I encourage you to rethink.
OMG…please keep keeping your babies safe ( i can’t believe the adults just nick off leaving kids on their own)
What the hell ??
I didn’t know what boundaries were until I knew what they were. It was so empowering to find out boundaries were to regulate my own behavior. I have tried to control other people by actively stating boundaries, not having strong boundaries, hoping they would change, etc. It didn’t work, now I find out, I can use it and it’s a tool, so I don’t get upset. We don’t try to set boundaries we set them, and then we stay true, and not abandon ourselves.
Sometimes you have no choice but to cut people off and this is a boundary you enforced, alas, you could not change her unfortunately.
You are brilliant! Thank you so much for this. I have recently written my entire family off after their response to me setting boundaries. Their response was exactly how you described. My entire family - brother, mother, father, uncle, aunt and cousin. Have always felt uncomfortable with them, always waiting for their next subtle emotional abuse.
I feel even more justified now for my choice to value myself and not allow the emotional abuse my mother and the rest of the entire family has inflicted upon my since I was a child. Thank you 🙏🏻
Healthy boundaries are a whole new concept for me. I was taught, growing up, that my feelings and opinions didn't matter; and, I've always had horrible self-esteem. This stuff is a brand new skill set. Thank you, Julia.
Thank you, Julia, for this honest, true and personal explanation of what to expect when setting up your boundaries. I’m 54 now, trying to break free from a life of inadequate boundary setting. It’s a mayor challenge to unlearn. Takes buckets of energy and sometimes sleepless nights. But I’m in to succeed. Thank you very much for your encouraging videos!
Ok, I'm so ready for this! It is my husband that I need to set boundaries with. I have always backed down and I am just so tired of feeling defeated. Thank you for this video!
So important you 2 are on a team and are able to work things out together. Power differentials in relationships are never healthy.
Omg I'm experiencing this very thing right now! I've finally recognized and admitted my codependency and stop being a doormat and people pleaser. I've started setting reasonable boundaries and not letting ANYONE cross them. Just like any reasonable and sane person would do. And do you know what? People in my life both locally and friends at a distance are giving me RESISTANCE. They don't like the new me that doesn't give them a free pass just because they're a friendly narc ex or a best friend for 36 years who lashes out at me when I'm trying to be emotionally supportive of him and I'm accused of "interrogation". I'm so shocked. I didn't imagine anybody in my life would resist my efforts to break free from codependency. Utterly shocked. I want to hide from all of these people. Thankfully they're not in contact with me in person.
Toxic codependency is a horrible state to live in! As I began setting my boundaries, there was so much opposition! It was like everyone else believed they had the right to do as they pleased without regard for others and their choices.
It took a while to realize the true nature of boundary setting for me. It wasn’t for everyone else, but for me only. I am not responsible for the choices of others, but only for myself. If I were to say a boundary was for someone else, then I’d be just as guilty of manipulation as the one that offends me! I’m not here to teach them a lesson! I’m living my life with choices I’ve made with my boundaries to protect my mind, heart, and soul.
My abusive ex-spouse is the classic narcissist. I actually love him more than he’ll ever be able to fathom. I grieve for his state, but am not compelled to live in misery for the rest of my life.
Perfectly stated!!!! Merry Christmas!
you are going in right direction👏
Game changer of a comment. Really sparked understanding in my mind. Thank you.
Geauxtama I’m glad my remarks have helped you in some way.
I have been very outspoken about this topic for the last nearly 20 years.
I just hope another might glean something from it all.
Will you tell me what specifically was helpful?
I find verbalizing (writing) about things help lead me to new insights.
Regards...
PaintFlicker The idea that boundary setting is for you and not other people and you don’t need other people to approve of your boundaries. Just gotta accept it. But I always feel bad for upsetting someone over something I want. I’ve never truly allowed myself to want and to have, without having to qualify it in some insanely demanding way.
Apparently, this is cultural. In our family and in our extended family I should say, we just say watch your mouth, or mind your business, or get the F out of here. Boundaries are easy when you grow up in boundaries. I'm getting a new perspective on things just listening to you. It's a good perspective
huh! That's interesting - thanks for sharing.
Are you a second generation NY/NJ Italian? Lol.
Yes, I was told I was so selfish and I thanked him for the compliment! Followed by it’s about time I started loving myself and putting myself first ❤️
My parents divorced when i was 3 and brother was 5. We lived with grandparents for 9 yrs...went to dads on weekends, mom would drop us off. I always heard..." we have to work". It wasnt until i became a parent that I no longer excepted this excuse. But the positive thing...i was became independent and gave my child the love that i needed. Today, im happily married, son is also married and I am self employed. Its crazy how the past is the recipe of who I am. I have feelings but I know i needed it all to happen to make me who I am today.
After I set a boundary I was told "love has no boundaries".
My mouth is gaping right open. That goes for them too then, I assume? They'll do whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want?
@@juliakristinamah of course not!
oh that is a good one!
Had to laugh...major manipulation
I took a screenshot of this and wrote "PREDATOR!" at the top. This is prey training so they can get their supply, aka your energy, served up whenever they want.
It might be time to just walk away, Shut it down, whatever works for you. Your worth being loved with your boundaries and being able to love someone with theirs. Honestly, it's the only true love. Anything else is a toxic mimic and many times is not intentionally abusive but unintentional disrespect is still disrespect. They've got stuff to work out, but you don't need to let them work it out on you.
I really enjoy watching your videos, Julia. They really do help me and I struggle with anxiety myself.
Glad you're here Mitchell - and thank you for your kind words.
I’ve already set my boundaries with my family last year, but I just needed the confirmation that it was ok to do so. ...and that it’s going to probably be ok. Thank you very much for this video!💜
After being too accommodating and people pleasing, some of my staff started to say things like what happened to you? You're so different now, you used to be so nice.
Really messed with my head because it's always been so important to me to make sure people feel valued and cared for.
I had the exact the Same experience. Be strong. Ignore it. They just abuse your kindness. Thye know you are sensitive and caring person, and they just want to take advantage of it. Warmest regards! Good luck! 🌸
You started to value yourself as you should.
Wowwww yes. My husband claimed to our couples therapist that I was going off the radar, when I went OUT to go do devotionals when times were very bad because I was scared to be home. He painted me as the bad guy claiming I was purposefully not telling him where I was... (location services are ON on my phone lol) that I’m not being safe because we live in Mexico. Couples therapist ate it up. It was completely untrue confabulation.
As a caregiver, setting boundaries has been an emotional rollercoaster. Still struggling with it, and it is very overwhelming sometimes.
At 40 now I can honestly say I've always had low self esteem, but a month ago I made a decision after self reflection that learning too be assertive and setting boundaries had too happen. Its the best decision I've ever made, confidence is growing everyday x
The boundary course I took with you was amazing!
Friends, sign up! Julia is an amazing and supportive teacher.
You are amazing because you take your happiness and wellbeing seriously and do the work!
Julia Kristina Counselling 🌟🙏🏻🌟
Thank you again! My Boundaries have been set, even in my late 40’s, it’s a scary move. I’m the only sibling w/out human kids. Recently, I have heard a sibling say ‘I place others people needs before my own’”, I know why they say those words💔
I want to tell all of you here on this thread, I know it’s going to be difficult. it’ll be worth it for all of us❤️
YAY new subbie. Thanks for this video, I really learned how to set boundaries at age 25/ 26. I had a former friend I used to go to church with. At 1st she seemed cool, slowly but surely she started asking for favors & car rides all the time. Everyone needs compassion, favors or a helping hand from time to time. If they are constantly asking for favors or too dependent on others, please bow out quickly. Anyhow I finally told her No & she had an attitude about it. Good Riddance.
Yes I finally was forced to set a boundary with my best friend because I literally could not take the non stop ridiculous drama any longer and when I simply said I needed a break from the situation suddenly I have NO compassionate and I have NO empathy and how dare I not be there for her (for the hundredth time in the same situation she continually put herself in for well over a year). When I told her I would not allow her to manipulate me she called me a narcissist. I know I was a good friend to her, I was always there for her to support and encourage and help her in every way I possibly could, but the relationship had devolved into being all about her and it was making me crazy. When she called me the N word, I was done. I have forgiven her and I pray for her but have not seen her since then and I can’t afford to allow her into my life again. I don’t need drama, chaos and temper tantrums in my life from anyone.
I feel like you are taking Directly to me. Thank you so much for doing these videos.
I am. Big sister is always watching. Jk.
Really glad this connected friend.
Thank you so much Julia!!! This was much needed and something i’ve been struggling with for as long as I can remember till this very day.
Hoping to enter 2020 with healthy boundaries without any GUILT.. which is also a killer to battle. It would be interesting to hear you talk about the origin of guilt. Happy holidays love!💕
Hey Julia - YES! Guilt can be a doozy, and is helpful in some situations, but not at all in others.
Glad this vid connected and good to have you here.
Setting boundaries is so difficult!
No matter how many conversations about boundaries I've had, I still find so much value in being reminded how it's not always easy for either party and to let others adjust to our boundaries while we stay firm in our decision, lest we inadvertently train them that our flimsy "boundaries" are actually an invitation to be coerced.
Great video! Thanks again, Julia ‐ Love your work!
Great takeaways friend- and I'm glad you're here.
Good Evening. I have Lupus for 16 years and now l'm seen a therapist but l'm starting to follow you. She told me that for my healt l need to create a boundaries to my family.
I was listening you now and you are helping me a lot. Where is your office located ? I wish you have a office in Miami. I'm starting tomorrow to write some words in a paper so that way l can start to set up my boundaries. Thanks. GOD BLESS YOU
My my brother, my mom and her extended family have used me and used me and used me and then turned around and called me selfish and weak for every small need I have ever expressed. At 47, I am finally realizing that I will never be enough.
This is my family too. And any needs I had mainly came as a result of their abuse.
Healthy boundaries only work with healthy people. Those who want to keep old patterns and keep doing the same toxic behavior will resist your change. They will argue. They will pout. They will try to manipulate the situation. They will blame. They will point fingers and try to make you feel guilty. Pray for them. Pray because they do not realize that the boundaries are for you and you alone. Change for the better is doing something right for you. And you alone. I can't be held responsible for people's other choices and I will not hold them to mine.
When I've set boundaries with family and so-called friends the ones not receptive tried to make me feel guilty. I don't feel bad for changing for me. I won't be ridiculed nor made to feel bad for making choices for me that are right for me. If they can't handle my choice, then they'll walk away. Let. Them. Go.
I know I did. Life is much more peaceful without handling toxic, immature behavior.
Lesson well learned.
Thank you Julia.
Finally found the video that talks about my current situation to a T. Being in a family with strong Asian culture where you're expected to be subservient to parents until (or ever after!) marriage, it's hard to make family understand the concept of boundaries as we grow up. And as someone who puts great value in self-sufficiency and independence, it's a huge problem for me. Thank you for this!
Thank you so much. You have really done alot of research on dysfunctional families. This just touches on me,my challenges and dysfunctional family. May be I have not clearly spoken about boundary settings. I am learning now. You are part of my online community. This is where I have found acceptance and like mindedness. I have been exploited,violated, gaslit and humiliated for way too long. I think am part of the problem due to luck of clear communication. And I have accumulated alot of anger. I will continue this lessens
Thank you so much, this is obviously my most important topic/lesson I need to learn. As a high empath, highly sensitive person, I have very big problem set up boundaries in relationships, and it is causing me lifetime problems. I hope I can finally learn and be in full power.
I love this topic! this is one of the most important topics to cover and there is not enough out there! thanks for all you do
It's sorta funny how difficult people can be all around you and not just in your family, but I just kind of immerse myself from the future and picturing me saying that I am glad that I got that over with.
This video was a huge confirmation of being on the right path. After executing my boundaries and then having them challenged continually, I finally said I would pull away completely from the family and I am. I am at the really uncomfortable stage where probably relationships are ending. It goes different ways with different people. Its about being good with myself despite the severance of those ties. Not easy yet.
Hi, I’ve been listening to your videos on gaslighting and setting boundaries, and more. I can’t tell you how grateful I am! How much this is speaking to me at a time I need it so much!! I just had to stop seeing my adult son, and your message is just what I need to hear. I’m learning what I need to do myself and how to identify and understand what he’s been doing to me. Again thank you!
Genius.
There is a lot of talking about boundaries, but too little about counter-moves or push-backs. But they are actually the ones we need to learn to tolerate and are the key to succes.
Great topic!!! There is an extended family member in our family who can smile in your face and then turn around be disrespectful and talk behind everyone's back yet because she's family everyone accepts how she is but I for one don't want to be the same way as everyone else in the family
And you don't have to be. How you show up everyday is 100% up to you.
Always wonderful videos. Thank you again for these nuggets of knowledge.
Thanks brother - that means a lot.
It's really awesome that you don't vilify the perpetrators but bring understanding as to why they do what they do, and never attack the person but correct their actions.
Also applies to the workplace: your colleagues are not your 'friends', and certainly is not a (dysfunctional) 'family'. Thank you for your videos!
My grandson tells me "You should have left me in foster care" when he and I don't agree on something he wants me to let him do.
This video directly correlates with my ex. The most toxic person I ever met in my life. Slowly but surely I am persevering!
My mom would say....I’m so sensitive. I’m so difficult to be around....I’m crazy....I’ve done so much for you and this is how you treat me.....or condescending comments. ❤️❤️❤️❤️great subject to go over. This is so important.
Does she still say that?
Julia Kristina Counselling I’m not in her life sadly. I tried setting boundaries. I paid for a mediator two separate times. I tried my hardest.
Hey Julia, thanks for sharing your wisdom on this topic, it's one I find particularly challenging after being a recovering people pleaser.
Your words helped me understand I'm not wrong for being authentic and setting healthy boundaries.
To anyone who has an adult sibling who still has crying tantrums or still utilises silent treatment or accuses you of "always" or "never" doing something or tells your parents what you've done to hurt them, I hope you don't give in and stick with your boundaries. Be grounded in your truth. Only apologise for your actions, not because someone can't handle your boundary.
OH MY GOSH Kristina ..... I "messed with" my siblings system, once a year ago and another time about 15 years ago ...... and "they didn't like it". One time I turned up for my Dad's 80th birthday party, and another his funeral. I tried to get them on board and have never been able, as you say. I've said 'NO, I've had enough' and removed my self. I'm the naughty one!! You have 'nailed it' thank you!! Yup, it's all me "what's wrong with you", they say. And so on. Free-er, happier, fuller, yes, I'm happier.
Good for you Richard. And so glad this connected.
I heard them ALL! This is so true, so valuable. I've been listening to you for 2 weeks...I am so glad I found you. Your like a great mental check- up!
Yes! That’s exactly what is happening right now!
Listening to the first part of your video was painful. It hit all my buttons, but at the end I felt relieved when you made the point of what’s the point of if you can’t say no then someone always wants your yes. It makes you realize who is for you and who is not. It brought comfort. It can help weed out the people that you’ve out grown.
When I first moved out of my parent’s house, I was told by my sister how selfish I was. It’s harder now for me to set boundaries with the man I’m living with. It’s also very hard for me to see how toxic I can be. Thanks for this. Happy holidays 🥳
do you know why you struggle to set boundaries with him April?
Hi Julia, Merry Christmas. Thanks for replying. Maybe it’s because I end up feeling guilty.
@@aprilc.3697 Do you know what beliefs you have about what you're allowed to do and what you're not allowed to do that are causing the guilt?
i heading towards 5 years of setting boundaries because of lovely intelligent human beings like you, kristina , thanks .
i really admire how you don't go into shaming and blaming the people that we're trying to establish boundaries with. i find that a lot of these videos of videos from other coaches on youtube immediately call the other people names and say that they're completely selfish and narcissistic, and it's too black and white. you let us know that we will experience pushback, and the reason is very neutral and reasonable.
i like how you state that the people who we're trying to establish boundaries will feel anxiety as well, instead of saying they're completely selfish and you need to cut them out of your life. when we're unconscious, we like to hold onto the victim mindset and blame the other person for being horrible and energy sapping, but that's distracting us from realising that it's on us to take the first step.
I am rituka, from india and presently living in Norway. I love your videos and am already consulting a psychology. Lots of love and gratitude to you :)
Please do an episode on dealing with expectations! When I realize I have an expectation an it’s not met how do I handle that because ultimately I KNOW it not their responsibility to deal with it.
I'm so thankful for finding you!!!!!! I have prayed for help. I'm turning 50 this year and have been a people pleaser my whole life and I recently had a complete break down and it really scared me. Thank you so much for doing this 💜
Hey, thank you so much for this teaching. I feel in the beginning of my journey towards learning how to set (and keep!) healthy boundaries. I have been through a shame and guilt storm thinking I’ve harmed someone close to me. But what happened is hat I’ve said “no” for the first time after almost a year of saying “yes”. I feel relieved because it gives me hope that I can do it and that I’m not a complete selfish person. Going back in there.
Merry Christmas Julia and everyone else who has watched this. May 2020 be the year that we set healthy boundaries and have good mental and physical health. Blessings to all!
Merry Christmas to you too - and a resounding YES to your declaration.
Christmas Eve. Good timing for the release of this very relevant video clip.
All the family interactions out there.
Be strong, people. Hold fast those boundaries.
Merry Christmas Brian.
Brilliant Julia! So important to speak about this !!! 👏👏👏
It is true, what the my coach says: the people most upset by your seeting boundries, are the ones that abuse them the most 🙄
It is very true. I have been hearing all my life from my mother those things you quoted. She was expert in violating boundries and playing a blame game. It took me 30 years to realise what a crap that was, and that there was nothing wrong with me…
Wow. This is what I needed to hear today! I've heard so many of these sayings. But I'm committed to keeping my boundaries. Another thing I've heard family say is, "if the people in this family and in my life are not going to give when I'm constantly giving so much to others then I will cut those people out of my life QUICK. I don't want people like that in my life. I'm not going to stay in a one sided relationships". Thanks for this video!
Great video! You are right on on all of this! Great illustration with the toddler and the candy at the checkout. Thank you ; you help keep me going & trying to be emotionally healthy---a lifetime job!
It is a journey! Grateful to be on it with you Kathleen.
Thank you such a great video. I'm still working on this worrying about others will think if I've a disagree. However I've learnt setting boundaries and doing whats best for me is much better for my happiness and health and therefore my Fiance and daughters as im more confident thanks again
This is such a great topic. Very on time for the holiday season.
I started setting boundaries, loving myself self, and putting my mental health first because I am a very empathetic person and absorb energies. Some things I’ve heard are “You’ve changed”, “You’re selfish.”
If I was respected enough, they would respect my boundaries which is why I have to be distant with them. Barely talk to my moms side of the family and I feel stronger and in control because I do not have to deal with the abuse. Sorry not sorry.
And when someone says "You've changed" you say "Thank you, I've been working hard to."
Julia Kristina Counselling never thought if that. That’s a great answer!
Please make a video on "How to deal with toxic people"
After listening to this and many other of your videos thank you very much I have learned a lot. Yesterday I sat a much-needed boundary with my sister, after six months of being pushed around and spoken to disrespectfully I very nicely told her I wasn’t having it anymore. I told her what I would do and what I wouldn’t do to help her care for our mother. I got all the backlash that you listed in this video plus her last words to me were “screw you”. Even though my sister has cut off our relationship, I am so much more at peace now.
Need to set boundaries for myself and people around me. I need to know boundaries and others need to know my boundaries
Merry Christmas Julia to you and your beautiful family I hope you all have a wonderful day! 🎄🎄
Merry Christmas to you too Honor. I appreciate you.
'This video really helped. I was able to set boundaries in a certain situation ánd things improved somewhat. Sticking at it.
I really needed to hear this Julia. You got yourself a subscriber and follower from Northern Europe (scandinavia). Setting boundaries are also teaching others how you want to be treated. If they don't comply, it's their problem.
I'm 55 and dealing with an issue with a sister right now who just told me on Christmas about how she visited my ex-wife, whom I've been divorced from for seven years. I really didn't want to hear that she was interacting with my ex-wife AT ALL, as they weren't ever even familiar with each other to begin with. I haven't talked to her about it yet as I felt a need to process a little bit of shock which went along with it first. I've pondered telling her or sending her a voice message stating to her that I don't mind her interacting with my ex-wife if she feels the need to do so, but unless it's something that she might want to or feel the need to alert me about, I do not wish to hear about any goings-on between the two of them. However, I can only so vividly imagine her responding to such a request instead of with a simple "Okay" but, rather, "You sound just like Dad.", whereby I'm not even sure whether I ought even bother; I don't like her that much anyway. I do believe if my sister wants to have a healthy relationship with me, she fully understands what she needs to do in order to facilitate it.
I was told “if I would just get over my anger and help”
Great Topic! Just in time for the Christmas party season!
Yes! Glad it connected.
Salve Doctore. For years I grew up in an aggressive household. I didn't know I had a lot of unhealthy habits. It took me up until recently to get a therapist. I'm currently having a hard time adjusting to someone's boundaries. This video strikes me with truth about my own behavior. Thank you. I welcome the change in my behavior.
boundaries is legit my favourite word... now that i've been in therapy.... it's like i didn't even know this was in the English language!!!!!! LOVE LIFE & wishing y'all the best too
Great video and has helped me to make sense of my feelings about others trying to break down my barriers and now believing that I am doing the right thing by persisting and holding firm boundaries thank you so much!
I have a super codependent, enmeshed, entitled, passive aggressive, gaslighting, narcissistic unit and when I became aware and set boundaries and removed myself I literally had tons of criticism like “who are you to upset the hierarchy in our home?” “You don’t get to tell me how to treat you.” And so much more and I’m tired of putting myself down to make them feel better and on top of that continue to be kind to them while they talk terribly to me. Even when I speak up and apply things I’ve learned about passive aggression it literally still continues. I’m learning that this is more about me being safe and not having the outcome of them changing their unhealthy behavior
Hello, my name is katt, thank you for doing a video without shaming the victims just looking for validation!! So many therapists on here shame the victims of abuse and narcissistic abuse. It's discussing... So thank you again so much for being compatible!!!!!!
Thank you so much Julia!! I've been watching your different videos, and this again brilliant! It's helped me a lot!I setup boundaries with my husband.I'm feeling so much stronger,I have more energy! I'm enjoying all the lovely activities with my son and friends!!❤🌈🎇