4 Signs That You Fear The Narcissist (The Trauma Bond)
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- Опубліковано 29 жов 2023
- Dr. C describes four of the most common indicators that you are in fear of a narcissist, but more importantly, he explains how this is part of a deeper problem of trauma bonding. As narcissists succeed in intimidating you, they get to assume control, and that's the beginning of the unhealthy bond.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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If you can successfully deal with a narcissist... You've mastered yourself.
Excellent way to put it!!
Wow. I have to remember that.
What a great, empowering, motivating, insightful comment.
I feared only what I did not know. I had no idea that someone (that I’d been married to for decades) could be so cold, calculating, ruthless, vicious…. I did not see that coming. When the mask came off, I realized I was in uncharted territory, and I had no preparations to plan my/our future. I no longer knew my spouse.
Aaron,
I'm sorry. That is horrible. I really feel for men today. This is a different world. No hate on me, please, I have 2 sons. I don't think TH would have a problem with saying that. We all know it goes both ways.
@@Teacher369 Same. @Aaron K Wolfe I would think your ex has a lot to do with your estranged daughter.
@@An-mei No hate ever, Teresa. I’m okay with simple distance from those I don’t chose to love. Forgiveness brought a great deal of freedom. But yes, this is a dark world that some people use to hide their misdeeds.
@@An-mei Yes, my daughter is so much like her mother. She believed everything mother told her, and went well out of her way to misunderstand me. Even though she now knows about her mother’s issues, we still remain estranged.
@@aaronkwolfe That's unfortunate. I hope she comes around. You always have hope but I am still skeptical with mine. When you are treated so terribly by someone you nurtured it takes something from you. I know I am fortified. It is a sad realization that you have shut down to one of your own.
A narcissist wants control, wants to take credit but needs someone else to do the work, provide the idea and the funding. The shallow shell cannot exist without a real person standing in the shadows supporting the shell.
Well said.
I'll always remember the day my children's father, a major narcissist and abuser, got arrested. He looked at me and said, "I'm not happy with this ". Code for, "You're going to get it if you don't fix this." I was frozen. Then, I found my freedom moving only my eyes over to the police officer. He took him away and for the last year and a half my kids and I have been climbing and achieving toward a normal and peaceful life.
I hope your sense of freedom lasts a long time!
❤❤
Congratulations
Bless you for taking this step, and for protecting your children from it!
So happy for you and the children!!
The self-doubt was the worst thing - suddenly questioning things about yourself that you had never questioned before. I was most afraid of that GLARE however, absolutely terrifying.
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Fear of the unpredictable shifts
3. Fear of leaving the abuser
4. Fear you are not worthy to be loved
1. An unsafe environment in childhood creates a fear of abandonment (trauma) and a Narcissist has exactly the same fear, which feels familar to you.
2. Like any unsafe relationship you will get anxious because you learn that the abuser is unpredictable in his moods and shifts so that you will walk on eggshells whichs leads to suppressing your own feelings, needs etc.
3. You are trapped in the future fakings, breadcrumbs, magical thinking and you will defend and rationalize the abuser for you have seen that the abuser can also be "loving and caring" at times.
4. The abuser has so many times told and shown you, that you are not worthy of being loved. Your self-esteem has gotten extremly weak and you have lost the inner connection to yourself.
Thank you Roxie. It is important for someone like me to see the truth in print. 🙏
💛I hope your day is filled with the best results in it.🙏
@@myhalowithin Thank you, "withinhaloyou" 😉😊 these are my thoughts about the fears of the trauma bond...yeah, I also need printed versions for I am very visual... I am actually working...but its filled with harmony...may you have a fullfilled Sunday as well 🙏💛🙏
Thank you for writing this out roxy.
@@rahrahrobbbieee you are very welcome, rössie 😊
thank you so much Roxy🙏english isn’t my mother tongue, for me reading is easier to understand 💝
I am angry with myself for being afraid. I am also furious with my attempts to prove and defend myself when he accused me of things I did not do. I hate that he put me so far outside my normal character and that I let him destroy my peace. He is just so gross and nasty. I have no idea what I ever saw in him. He is pathetic, weak, childish and insecure. He bullied me constantly, projected all his bs onto me, justified his abuse (using false accusations as his reasons), posted revenge p*rn of me online, doxxed me, publicly humiliated me, gaslighted me until I nearly went insane, lied about so many things (which I am now learning), pretended to have lung cancer (after knowing both my grandparents had had it, and that my grandfather DIED from it after 4 months of me caring for him on at-home hospice)... And these things are the things he did just the last year we were together. And then, he would demand total submission and say I was not a "good woman" if I didn't just take everything he did and said to me. He is a true monster.
Also, Mr. Gus makes the best (and cutest) supervisor back there on his couch spot! He is precious! 🖤
The door is the best option and it’s not always easy.
Find a life without that poisonous person. 🙂
I feared how destructive he was and how far he would stick his head up his backside to avoid culpability.
One thing the narcissist don't want, is that you trust yourself, they want to doubt yourself, they want you to do things you don't want to do. Some want to keep you in a fearfull state so they can control you, for instance a narcissistic parent or familiymember.
So good to hear you say: 'find somebody to help you find that self trust'. If a therapist wants to help you learn to trust yourself, then you can trust the therapist. It can be challenging to find someone you can trust because you've made so many mistakes by trusting the wrong people.
It’s when your “no thank you” goes on for over 5 years… when boundaries aren’t respected then without emotional support .. there should be choice to say no.. it’s followed me through 3 jobs now. Resolute- It’s difficult when workspaces are disrupted & disrespected. Sad part is when boundaries are set - the only option is to find a different job. Again. It’s called stalking.
Let us engage in the world of dignity, respect and civility and Let us anchor in the life of peace.
#TeamHealthy
Well said.
After years of being in the trauma bond, I am doing some of the hardest work of my life to break it. The hardest was the grief work after my daughter died. There are days i I still want to scream out about all this, "WHY, WHY, WHHHHYYYYYYY??? - sigh - Gotta try to keep trudging ahead. I don't like who I am now.
My fear of him was of being hurt; physically injured. So I learned to walk on eggshells with my words and not say what I was really thinking or bring up certain subjects - because I never knew what would set him off & he'd go into a narc rage. I finally had to accept that he is Never going to change, he's never going to be an emotionally healthy person. Waiting for that to happen for 9 years was enough.
Stay safe & be well! You win that way ❤
Thank you for that statement. That helps me let go
The three elements of overcoming are:
1) Practicing delicate detachment (emotionally detach, not allowing a troubled person to dictate your reaction). It includes a radical acceptance of who they are.
2) Practicing proactive assertiveness - it's linked to healthy self-preservation. You follow through on what you say.
3) Maintaining calm firmness. You hold your ground, with maybe one explanation, but that's it. Self-respect.
Thank you so much for putting this into words. Often we can find it overwhelming to maneuver through this toxic verbal chaos. I appreciate what you’ve written here and will make a screenshot for myself.
Yes! Thank you. Made a screenshot and will transcribe it to my journal.
A sister worked with every fibre of her being to turn our father against me which would have led to my being disinherited. She got one of those wishes but all I can say is shame on him. He lost two people who genuinely loved HIM not his bank account.
She will ALWAYS have a posse she can hide behind. She even recruited her children to stalk and harass me.
The data gathering she has done on me is f'n amazing. All the while ACTING like she was my ride or die. It is truly DISGUSTING
Call it like it is, Dr. C: FEAR
#1 Practicing Delicate Detachment (unhook)
#2 Proactive Assertiveness
(self preservation)
#3 Calm Purpose
(firm and resolved self respect)
D R C
Shortly before I discovered what narcissism was, I was falling badly into the fourth mode. After so many years in a defensive mode (with much wasted strength and energy)... Trying to explain every single thing they blamed me for... And eventually, after many years of understanding their tactics were no kinda errors, but cruel and real dishonest tactics, I didn't know what to do anymore... and so I thought it was a good idea trying to respond them back with their same tactics. I decided to let go all my reactions, all my anger, as they let go their anger every time for nothing! It was war.
I often even forced myself in pretending to get angry until I got angry!! because I thought I could defend myself even better!!
What I saw is; while the narcissists (whom I didn't know they were narcissists) were feeling better and better (and I didn't know why they were getting so happy and strong!!!! while they were also victimizing themselves for my disgusting and ungrateful behavior), ...I was always feeling worse and worse every time, I even felt physically bad, because that angry person wasn't me.
Soon after… I mean, a very few (2 or 3) months after that, thank God I learned what narcissism is. I *immediately* stopped responding to their provocations... And I immediately began falling asleep whenever I needed, whenever I was tired... (after decades of insomnia issues). I could fall asleep as easily as Gus does. Well, no, not exactly like Gus, really. Nearly. And that's a big result for me.
My first lifesaver was Dr Ramani. And after a few months I discovered Dr Carter (and Gus the silent healer)... And now after a few more months... I can follow the American Texas accent (with the help of google translator which I put on your video... But sometimes I take it off because the translation on the video hide Gus from me).
Italy here.
Hoping I did a decent translation from Italian. I thank you SO MUCH, with my healed heart, for your work, Dr Carter 💚
And I keep on working for my recovery.
Now there is a direction.
In my 20s I had more a 5 (nearly 6) years therapy with much work for me, a lot of energy to analyze & change myself , (and so much self-blaming...) without any direction, without any result at all. Now, 20 years later, I know why.
Gus, the silent healer❤❤❤❤❤❤❤. Beautiful 😍
@@tmo.48
💚 He is 💚
...A dog on a video on a smartphone with such a good "effect"?... I couldn't believe it was possible.
I listen to Dr C, I check the translation, I look at Gus, I meditate... And so on... Sometimes I stop the video. Then I go back, I listen to dr C, etc 😊
Success in battle, is knowing the enemy.....This has been such a helpful channel to help me to stabilize my life.....Thank You....YES...I am more self aware...having "No expectation" helps me to navigate the minefield quite well
YES! It was a knee-jerk to defend myself so strongly with truth and logic. I always thought it was like they shot so many arrows as I explained this and they brought up THAT...a dodge and weave without a real conversation. The thoughts aimed at me were always twisted notions of my own motives. Then as I became avoidant- the N accused me of being uninterested in them. YES I did a side-step so as not to step on an unknown minefield. I certainly flattered and appeased just to try to keep any kind of relationship. STIFLE my authentic responses - and darn that little volcano would sometimes come up anyway. THEN she got her soothing. My anger gave her the validation for her attacks. so unhealthy. No contact is such a good calm pool of non-drama.
Well said!
I have been no contact with my narc ex for ten years now and living a very happy life. But - whenever I get stressed over something I have terrible dreams that he is either trying to kill me or I am somehow trapped with him and cannot get away.... thank goodness they are just dreams!
The level of deceit is incomprehensable when you dont yet see how they triangulate in camophlauge. The narc, I thought was the main source was only echoing the real narc. Didnt see it until after my mother passed. Its been my brother all along
Wow, DrC, I never thought of how my being so appeasing was actually a form of dishonesty- mainly to my own self. But that’s exactly what it was! I just knew I was miserable constantly having to say, “Whatever you want is fine with me…” knowing he would choose the exact thing he knew good and well would make me feel and be most uncomfortable. I finally got to the appeasement stage because i was tired of him constantly setting me up by asking me which (fill in the blank) I wanted. It could have been something as small and insignificant as “what color tie should I wear?” If I said the red tie, he would walk out of the bedroom with the blue tie on. And it ALWAYS happened with the big things… “should we give our parents $200 for Christmas or $400?” If i said $200, he would end up giving MY parent $200 and HIS parents $400. I finally became married to the phrase, “It’s whatever you think best.” That is, until I got tired of his best always hurting me. You continue to open my eyes to the truth, Dr Carter. I appreciate you!
The learning curve never ends. Glad this resonated!! Best wishes to you, Kelly!
I had all these signs except the last one: I was a placator to the end, always trying to evade and avoid conflict. During phone conversations with my sister, I was so nervous of stumbling upon a controversial subject and getting her mad, I'd have happy-talk topics prepared in advance, that I could quickly introduce to defuse the tension. I never thought I was a cowardly person, but over the years she somehow achieved this ascendancy over me, so that phone calls were great fun as long as I never contradicted her. I realized I was afraid when I'd gone no contact for some months, and then the phone rang and the number displayed looked somewhat similar to hers, and I actually had an anxiety attack! Heart racing, shortness of breath, I was really scared, even though logically nothing at all could happen to me. When I realized that, I blocked all possibility that she could call or email me, and resolved not to be vulnerable or taken by surprise. It's been nearly 3 years and I haven't heard from her, but now that I know that such weakness is possible, I'm consciously trying to toughen myself.
Very similar experience with my brother and very reduced contact, even though I wouldn't label him a narcissist, but he has adopted too many traits of my mother, who is the cause of my conditioning, to really feel safe around him. I see his regular calls as a task in parenting in hindsight. We both didn't experience being parented well and need compensation for that. I was stuck a long time in my parentified role trying to soothe and confirm him, although my gut feelings told me this isn't healthy and not an adult conversation.
Appeaser....no more!!!! And I avoid when I sense certain energies. Yes I am easily thrown off balance. Working on grounding in self trust. D R C with gratitude.
True, I was always afraid of what my (late) narcissistic mother-in-law would say next. She used to say the cruelest things to me and nothing was sacred, not even my children. Very thankful she's gone, but I'm still healing from her verbal abuse. One day at a time ...
What you say about becoming secretive resonates almost deafeningly with me! I grew up with an aggressive, sometimes violent, narcissistic mother. One of her favourite gambits was to read the daily journal I (stupidly) kept -- and fire back quotes from it at me, always packaged to make me look pathetic and contemptible. Wherever I hid that journal - which I needed to keep for my mental health - she always found and abused it. She made all my secrets -- everything that made me ME -- feel dirty, shameful or laughable. She would also read all my personal mail, including my ever-slipping exam results. They too would be thrown back in my face, at a time to suit her. So yes, I developed the habit of secrecy ----- even when I didn't need to be cagey. Secrecy is the child of imposed shame.
I was afraid that he doesn't leave me because I wanted so desperately to be with him thinking we are too similar and I'll never find someone like him again.
I thought we shared same values however when in comes to implementing those values in real life he was doing totally opposite leaving me confused.
Later I was afraid that he doesn't leave me because he convinced me he is better than me in every way and I'm not good enough, pretty enough and not up to his standards.
He was downgrading me in covert way, sometimes just a smirk on his face to let me know how incapable I am.
Omgosh the smirk
The fear and abuse literally took my mother’s life at age 55. I miss her everyday
😢❤🙏💛🙏
I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m praying God warms your heart and gives you comfort.
Thank you @@camisnyder3460
@@roxymovie3938 ❤
I am so very sorry 😔
For the record- it would seem that one would need to exercise and/or to implement extreme caution when being around that type of individual: again: be careful: people
Been there done that. I am an eggshell walker with my adult sons if I speak to them at all. Whatever comes out of my mouth would be offensive, even if I just would like to know how their health is. It seems that is none of my business. So, I accept that they have good reasons for that. I hope to find a new lifestyle as soon as my health allows.
This is very helpful. Now I can definitively identify that I am still afraid of two narcissistic people I’ve had issues with, and who I also miss.
Knowing I’m still afraid of them confirms for me that at this stage in my healing, I am better off keeping my distance despite my feelings of loss. I need to find safety right now. Nothing else can come before that.
Glad it resonated!
I struggle with codependency and at the moment, working through that. Years of being told that I was loved, only to be told that I was failing at being a person of worth. What they don't seem to realize is, you can't keep up with that. You have to move on in your life and get help because you are in relationships that do matter to you and are healthy. Now that I have leaned into my own life, my own power and my own needs, it's not easy, but I know NOW what is important to me and why.
Dr C, thank you!
In summary: When I feel the emotion of fear when faced with any knd of more than one risk factor during danger due to more than one risk factor that is healthy when I am taking steps to remove myself soon as possible from that situation - No matter what anyone else thinks of me while I am doing so in assertiveness so far as that is practical to be geting away from there. When someone acts creepy and careless if we believie that about the person the first time they reveal that sort of thing while we are getting away from them that is saying to everyone that we like ourself. Most narcissists employ bait and switch salesman tactics. Anyone who victim blames is in reality condoning narcissistic ways of relating to people. I don't need to be around controlling people like that while letting their nonsense told about me affect my own life.
I don't know whether it was fear but I definitely used to dread going in the house when I lived at home with my mum and step father and when I was married. When things got to that point I knew I had to have and escape plan. And I did it twice!!!
Thank you Dr Les, if you were here I'd give you a big hug, realising that in my childhood I was afraid of my Dad and his anger and that's why I'm always hiding, defending and over-explaining myself and people pleasing, seeing that that's coming from fear is a relief. I can see I shouldn't have had to be afraid of him. Thank you 💕
Consider a virtual hug received!
Dear one, you were just a child, you did not know 'not to be afraid' of your Dad then.
Well done to you as you have learnt that you don't have to explain yourself or please everyone.
No one but God ever knows where anyone has come from or what they have been through.
😊
I think the trauma bond ended when I finally defended myself. I called him what he was...a jerk ( but in more colorful form) I got projection and he blocked me. He cannot handle me standing up for myself. That was the first time Ive ever defended myself to him in such a manner. The games are over. 😊
My imagination is in high drive. Whatever you said made an impression!!
@@SurvivingNarcissismCould I have handled it differently? Yes. However, after some inner reflection, I sent the text anyway as I felt it was necessary. I have weak moments when I wanna fall back in line and go right back into the game but then I realize No! Hold firm!
I'll add that this is my older brother.
I made the mistake of letting my only child narcissist move back in. Been shaking on a regular basis since.
I know a lot more now just want him to get out.
I may have to leave instead though.
I'm sorry.
🙏♥️
Trauma bond(ing) can be defined...
... when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused.
... as a toxic cycle of emotional or physical abuse followed by affection, resulting in a strong attachment between the abuser and the victim. Often, this bond creates an addictive relationship dynamic where the victim feels unable to leave, despite the harm they’re experiencing.
... as an emotional bond with an individual (and sometimes with a group) that arise from a cyclical pattern of abuse, perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments.
... as an adaptive, dysfunctional attachment occurring in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation in order to survive. The bond is created due to a power imbalance and recurring abuse mixed with intermittent positive reinforcement; in other words, good and bad treatment. The abuser is the dominant partner in the relationship and controls the victim with fear, unpredictability, and domination.
... when an abuser uses manipulation tactics and cycles of abuse to make the victim feel dependent on them for care and validation, causing a strong attachment or bond. This often occurs in romantic narcissistic relationships, but can also occur in families, friendships, or work relationship.
💯 Thank you Roxie.💕
@@myhalowithin you are welcome, yourhalowithin💞 you have such cute emojis.. the right one looks like our cat🥰🐈
You are hitting all the notes!
@@rahrahrobbbieee Thank you 🙏💛🙏
🎯🎯🎯 🙏❤️
Your social-circle reduces to just other people the narcissist keeps under control.
Oh Woe & Yes! So True! The isolation and 'fear' of 'others'!
Ouch!!! 😦😦😖😖😞😞
Indeed. My circle kept getting smaller and smaller. Church, children, in-laws, all were steadily reduced over time. She even tried to alienate me from my mom & siblings. Tried. She couldn’t control them. But she still tried. I now have a HUGE social circle, none of which have ever met her (nor have heard anything about her), and I’d suspect she could not sway, because they know me: who I am, what I’m like, how I make others feel about themselves.
@@aaronkwolfe I'm so grateful you are out of that situation.
@@An-meiI freakin’ LOVE my life now. TH is a big part of it.
Had to ask myself what it was I feared. With all this Narcissistic actions we have gone through it’s easy to stay focused on them but lately I’ve been asking myself what do You want what am I going to do 2 make my life better. I let go of the fear when I honestly said the fear is? I’m gonna react bad I’m so angry and hurt I’m gonna blow up and end up arrested etc. Well? Don’t blow up is what. Told myself and good for me that I am honestly looking at myself and in myself I see a Person who not only was gaslit bad
Y I have CPTSD so I naturally have issues with emotional things. Acceptance is huge. Self reflection and self respect.
My father is a narcissist and abuser. My siblings and mom feared for our lives throughout our childhood. He would manipulate and twist truths. He made my mom so fearful she took up drinking. He did horrible things to her but blamed her and said she is the abuser because she drank. She survived long enough to finally decide to work on herself and get a divorce and she finally started being happy again. But before the papers where settled she landed in hospital for a blood vessel that burst in her brain. A week later she passed away. Now i asked the doctor specifically if constant exposure to heavy stress and trauma could cause this and he said it is a definite cause of cases like hers.
I blame him for my mom's death. Im still struggling with depression, ptsd, anxiety and who knows what else because of this man. I miss my mom. She didn't deserve this.
He is now living life like he did nothing wrong, telling people that my mom was the one abusing him and that she was just an alcoholic. And people believe him and feel sorry for him. It's disgusting. It makes me want to give up on the world honestly.
This is very eye-opening!
I have to admit now that I was in fear all too often.
I couldn't give straight answers to questions for a while... and, looking back, I can see now that it's because I was scared.
No answer was ever good enough. And I wasn't allowed to be honest. Even if I gave the answer he wanted, it still fell short somehow.
I've been in a good place for a few months now, but this video really brought up a lot of stuff for me and I feel like crying now 😢
My mother terrified me so much that I would stop breathing as soon as I got home from school. Now it's my narcissister who has that effect on me. I finally went no-contact with my dear sis.
I can't begin to tell you, Dr. C, how much your videos and podcasts have enlightened me. I lived in fear for years. Every day I wondered what my ex's mood was going to be, what his reactions to all things (big or small) would be. How would I be insulted or belittled today? Or maybe I'll be ignored. It was a constant state of nervousness and anxiety. It's really no way to live. Now, I've been free of him almost two years, and even though I feel so unburdened and unchained, I still have those lingering anxieties sometimes. I still kick myself for ever falling under his spell. So many wasted years, so much personal toll.
You’re exactly where you need to be in the recovery process ❤️🩹 so plz stop the abusive thoughts as those are narcissistic introjects. Be the tortoise in life… it’s not a race but a journey! You’ve got this, girl ❤ imagine a beautiful future life❣️
That’s how I felt with my mom.💕🤗
So many wasted years here too & sacrifices for nothing in the end. Hoping I will be free someday soon, if not too late. I sure cannot stay here any longer...is literally making me ill, by way of chronic illnesses kept in active state constantly! Stress kills! Narcicissists are such a tool - covert ones play as if innocent victim. Sickening!
@@SnarkasticSunny I wish you strength and I hope you find a way to your deserved freedom! You deserve to be healthy and you deserve to be unburdened.
I Will Not get caught up in his aggressive behavior.
Learned not to take the bait.
Stand calm and steady in the peace I’m now experiencing.
To fear is what he wants. Yes fear is a normal emotion but with this Narc you can’t show it. If you do he will keep attacking your character and honesty. His goal is to defeat into his submission. He told me I had to trust him! To demand we sisters submit to his authority is his personal religion. I don’t belong to his religion and I’m his sister not wife. He thinks he more important than my husband.
Im learning a healthy fear of someone or something is important. You don’t step on a rattlesnake on purpose do you or walk up to a bull elk. I’ve seen people do that to take a picture. I get fear for them this may be their last photo!
Several years ago I opened a door into our milk barn and stepped solidly on top of a coiled rattlesnake. His head was under the front of my foot. He rattle was barely stick out by my heal. I had my hiking boots on for the day.
I jumped backwards so fast I think I levitated. My husband was behind me in the road on his tractors and saw me fly! I was shaking so bad I literally could barely walk. Noodle legs. I used to get the same adrenaline fear every time I had to be around my brother. Be careful he bites and you don’t know when.
Our Dad was the same way. We did know it was once a month he would bite. Guaranteed! I don’t know how my Mom lived with it! I left home very young looking for peaceful folks. I’m so lucky.. I found a family that was so different than mine. With differences they are civil! And Respectful.
Sometimes you have to divorce a family member, never thot it would go this far. Trust is gone.
Not fear but worries that the narcissist will make plans to ruin lives of the people you care about , they might lie and plan to have you beaten up , or they plan and lie about things that ruin your chances at jobs or relationships
Avoid those people as much as possible, you might not feel fear when meeting them there’s a worry, when you’ve had a couple conversations you notice things definitely worry don’t brush it off think think think
"Oh, now that you've explained yourself like that, it makes all the sense in the world. Never mind ... "
😂😂😂😂
The only fear I had of my narc was "the power" she had over us (me and my son), to hurt us more than we were already hurting. We were trapped in her house by the pandemic and she wielded that over our heads like a knife. We dreaded her coming home from work because we never what kind of mood she'd be in. Everything that happened to her that day became a weapon for her to use against us. It led to a lot of anxiety and caused us to walk on eggshells daily. In my opinion, I think the narc is really the one who's trauma bonded because they simply can't live without the one being scapegoated. I noticed how my sibling had two adult children living in her house (and I've known them all their whole lives) but she never took any of her wrath out on them! I think what she needed was someone she didn't care enough about losing that she could take her vengeance out on, so she picked on me and not her own children. She has such a tight control over them and she wasn't about to lose that!
Dealt with big fish Narc in my family. My sister was a Narc but also antisocial or commonly a sociopath. Additionally, she did other things too that I can’t mention. My family didn’t see her for what she was until later. I didn’t get a shock that she was extremely selfish, I already knew. I would drop hints to others because they needed to protect themselves. Of course no one paid attention until things were bad. Remember, narcs lie. That is all anyone needs to protect themselves. Don’t engage with them as if they are like everyone else. They only care about themselves, period. I was not emotionally heartbroken like most, I never invested in her beyond her being my sister. My personality left no holes for her to worm her way in as I was an INTJ of course I didn’t know this as a youngster but it does make a difference since she was able to hurt my brother. I mention my personality type only to say that if anyone is prepared to deal with Narcs it’s INTJ. If you are having trouble with a Narc and know someone who is cold appearing, wooden, independent and kind of nerdy, they can help ❤. They will let you know if you are being played and can probably get you out of your toxic relationship with minimal scars… they always see through others, like to help and problem solve in their sleep, literally.
She tried with every fibre of her being to turn my father against me which ultimately would lead to my being disinherited. She got one of those wishes but at the end of the day I can only say shame on him. He lost two people who genuinely loved HIM not his BANK ACCOUNT!
No, my defensiveness never works out in fact i sense it excites them with glint in eye as seem to want to fight or have bad effect usually is after ive put myself out and done something nice for them so is even more of a surprise/shock as thought would appreciate..maybe doing something to benefit them makes them mad so ramp up attack not sure? 😮
I think I’ll design a tee shirt:
“ Appeasement Mode”
Today she now works tirelessly to turn everyone I've ever known against me. I have to give it to her, her smear campaign has been amazing. She always has a posse of followers who she can hide behind .
Delicate detachment.. Also called Detach With Love.. I am still not on board with Radical Acceptance.. Maybe some day... I heard a term in IFS (Internal Family Systems) called Unblending.. I like that term or even to Unmesh.. I like those terms because it says that we are enmeshed and blended.. Granted detachment says that we are attached.. To me just that little bit of space really helps out a lot..
As to radical acceptance, think of an illustration. A couple of years ago we had an unusual freeze in Texas and I had no electricity or water at my house for 3 days. I didn't like it one bit, but like it or not, that was my predicament. I had to find a Plan B. The same is true in relationships. When we talk about accepting an awful person, it is not condoning them. It is an objective recognition that the person will continue on, meaning you need to look for a better Plan B. I hope this helps.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Somewhat.. I have heard it so often.. I think the root of it for me is that living with very critical people for so long that I have their voice in my head and I am trying to have a more gentle voice in my head.. A voice that gets me away from all of those outside critical voices.. Does that make sense?
I believe now her was using reactive abuse to ensure I would make him leave. What he did not know I had, for months , decided my self respect & my moral integrity became paramount to me. Whatever pushed the end of my life with him, it has been a win for me in peace & self respect.
I am proud of what I did in s 24 yr marriage to a narc/addict. Very proud
of my integrity.
Dr.C is hear , no fear!
And sometimes it's NO hear - NO fear,
relating to your worksituation 😉
I wrote you something by the way on that comment of yours 😊
@@roxymovie3938 thank you 🙏 I appreciate taking your time, I hope that I can reciprocate in future, I hope that you never be in situation🙏.
Dr. Carter. You have divine intervention! I know it. I see and hear it. Thanks for using your gifts for our benefit, as survivors/thrivers.
You are kind, thank you.
Great video for self-insight into my fear. Excellent. Thanks, Dr. C.
You're very welcome
I've seen myself being all of these, I still deal with aloof, but I'm practicing trusting people who can be trusted and practicing staying away from these people healthyly, not allowing these people to move me, grey rock, yay I can grey rock now. I'm assertive, but some people don't listen no matter how much you tell them how you feel so I follow through whether they listen or not
Thank you so much for caring about us enough to put this info here.
I still have fear of my two oldest sisters.
I found a response - even works as a general mindset - to attempts to intimidate. Try, "I realize my love doesn't look how you think it should, but it's real". They seem to have a hard time with this. 💜🐾🎃
Truly, love is a confounding notion for a narcissist.
Great response 👏
Thank you, Dr. C. You are a source of solace to me. The narcissist that affects me the most is a family member and I DO love them, despite the issues.
Thank you Dr.C this video helped a lot, yes first not letting to set our pace, second delicate detachment, with reasonable boundaries,Calm firmness, you are genuine Doc I love you!
Glad it was helpful, Fred. Love received, with gratitude.
You’ve got this!
Have to say I was all those things. Certainly the passive untruthfulness of mine would oppress me in my spirit, which was in need of being uplifted, yet for self preservation I would oppress myself intentionally!!! To stop that insanity I really needed to separate from them without them feeling rejected by me. So far, so good. You need to learn many ways of guarding your heart, even from yourself.
Thank you again. This video is helping me look at my unhealthiness a little more objectively. I think I found the appeasing reaction the most damaging but all the others were probably there in greater amounts. It's slow work.
Has anybody watched the movie "Coraline", published in 2009?
This is a film for children and it was the first one my daughter and I went watching in 3 D, which was quite exciting.
This movie came into my mind, because the story is in fact about being trapped into the trauma bond and breaking free from the trauma bond.
The story: A girl named Coraline, 11 yrs., moves together with her parents to an old house in the country. Her parents do not have much time for her only child because they are working a lot. Coraline feels neglected and creates a lot of fantasy. One day she finds a small door in this house and she finds the key for opening this door which leads her to a parallel world where she finds herself back in the same house, but much more colourful, exiting. She also meets her parents there, who look exactly like her parents but with one difference: they don't have eyes but buttons. These parents have been waiting for her and they love bomb her with affection, presents and future faking. Coroline is fascinated and she feels loved and validated. This mother tells her, "You can stay with us forever - under one single condition: you must sew on buttons!" Coraline is shocked. The mother says to her, "Think about it. You do not have to make this choice today." Then the parents bring Coraline to bed.
The next morning Coraline awakes and she realizes that she is back in the real world with her real parents. She thinks that she just has had a dream. But then she finds the little door in the house again and she decides to go back - to meet the other parents another time. And again these parents are waiting for her for the second time. And again they have presents. They also invited the neighbour boy - but in this world he can't talk and he has also buttons as eyes.
When Coraline comes back to the real world, she is suddenly left alone. Her real parents have gone.
The other mother, who was first so loving, is now changing into a scary spiderlike creature and she wants the key from Coraline to the real world. Because Coraline refuses to the buttons, she gets smashed into a mirror and finds herself together with other trapped souls of children.
The story has a happy ending: Coraline can break free, gets support and can also save her real parents, who got isolated.
This is a kid's movie? It sounds slightly disturbing.
@@Hatbox948 It was a bit disturbing yes. It was free for children from age 6, my daughter was 8 and I found it too young for her afterwards. (I remember my first movie "Bambi". I was totally disturbed after having watched that one and that was from age zero.)
But this movie (I have watched lots of kid's movies with her but can hardly remember any of them) had a deep impact on both of us and I find it a very instructive story in several ways. At the time I was watching it I had no idea what a trauma bond was at all.
Yes, I own it. Excellent collaboration of visual and thought disturbing message everyone can relate to. (at least the people I know).📽
I just watched a sitcom my tia used to watch called "Mary Hartman Mary Hartman."
The sitcom is about "ism's" of personality disorders. A soap opera about soap opera's
and the end is upsetting, yet, choices that keep being made. I hated to see it end.
Have an exceptional day, just because Roxy📽🏁
Roxy Wow! I will see if I can find and watch it. Is it something about the eyes. It reminds me of Kubo when you describe it. Have you seen that one? I wonder if they are the same creator?
On 2nd thought, isn't she left thinking she can save her parents? In Kubo and The Two Strings, Kubo ends up with his grandfather. I don't know how I feel about any of this now.
@myhalowithin Sure we can identify but does it somehow fail at the dynamic?
Oh I know I'm afraid. But don't know WHY. He's never beat us or anything like that. As much as he's lied, as comfortable as he is with lying, as much as he has control over, as angry as he is - I still can't really believe he would actually do any of the things he could do to truly hurt us. I've no reason to think he would. And yet here I am with this ridiculous, nearly paralyzing fear. Day in. Day out. Along with monstrous guilt for being so afraid when he doesn't deserve it. It makes me feel so sick all the time now. Sometimes I think this alone may kill me.
10,000 thanks to you yet again Dr. C!!! 🙇♂️♾❤️
You are very welcome, David.
these videos are really affirming. Instinctually i have done some of this already. thank you so much
Yes, Yes, and Yes, Dr. C! Another great teaching video today! We, on Team Healthy thank you!
Thanks!
Listening to this, it's really affirming to recognize that I was practicing all 3 steps without realizing it. I had no idea I was being abused. I was using pro-active assertiveness when I inadvertently backed him into a corner. The only way out was gaslighting my memory. He’d been doing it for years, and fortunately for me, it was a subject I was very sure about. I caught him, and I'm out. I'm practicing all three in my life in general now.
The only problem here is that a lot of narcissists could read especially the first part and turn it around. Because narcissists are so hypersensitive to anything they perceive as criticism, they could say, see, that's why I'm so defensive, that's why i lie, because you're critical. I notice in many forums that criticism is a part of narcissism, but in my experience with covert narcissism, I've found that these narcissists are rarely critical, partly because they don't care enough about other people to want to help them evolve, and partly because if they call you out on something, they may themselves get called out. They basically just aren't that invested in someone else.
I think it is a crucial topic you address. Even as someone who will never be an inspiration to the big giving of rat's arses community, I suffered much more than necessary in my early adulthood because of a kind of programmed response of being drawn into relentless berating and abuse by an underlying completely inappropriate concern with what the narcissistic bullies think.
The irony is that a narcissistic person will attack you for not being obsessed with how they feel, but they only care what you think and how you feel to the extent that it gives them validation and control over you. I think we could do better when we teach people about the importance of caring about other people if we also pointed out that they have the right not to do so, because not everyone is worthy of a rat's arse.
Thanks for sharing this, Darryn.
It's very good to focus also on our reactions because that was the way I got stuck every long, it's that I couldn't recognize myself and all the multi layers confusion also made that I couldn't even explain myself. So all this video is very helpful to help me move on and accept my behaviors - I certainly will not want to ever get there never.. it is just not me to be like this.
The problem with your videos is every time I watch one, my response is, "That's my church." On top of my family of origin, which never really existed, and my own family, which has completely shattered around leaving the narcissist, there goes my family history, my entire community, what was my support system, my relationship with God, and everything into the eternities. Now what? I still haven't figured out what to do about this. There's nowhere to go.
That's rough, especially since it becomes so clear. You don't have to change everything in your life wholesale, but I'd encourage you to branch out as opportunities are available and seek people and groups who are more suitable. Don't assume that it's an all or nothing situation.
I watched this one several times. When I do this it means I have to work on something! Today I let somethings be known to a family member. It needed to happen so, thanks to you Dr C. I was calm yet very assertive in a healthy way. I might also add it wasn't a Kubaya moment. Always grateful for your videos😊🙏
Thank you Dr. Carter for a great video. These are things we need to know about these evil people especially those that are just getting into such a relationship with a narcissist. Please do not think you can change them because they love the way they are and do not want to change. They are the only ones that matter to them or will ever matter.
He married me, came in too strong too fast. Found out several months later he is also married to another woman in a different state. He manipulated me and am always in fight or flight mode. My mood rapidly changed since being with him. I’m always on protective mode anticipating their manipulations. Gave me anxiety and uneasy feeling. I would get irritated with things that comes out of his mouth because I know 95% of it is all lies and deceit. He would not allow me to talk about certain things and controls where I go and where I look. I got autoimmune disease since being with him and gut/digestive issues.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you, it has been tough but things we go through make us stronger in the end.
Wow these always hit the nail on the head. Thank you dr. C. As always what I needed to hear today ✌
You are so welcome
You're awesome, Dr. C! I always get so much from this channel! Everytime I feel steam rolled by the narcissists in my fam, I tune in for your validation and you always set me straight. Much appreciated! ❤
Thanks!
Dr Carter, thank you, I needed to hear that message.
You’re absolutely correct, and I didn’t even realize the ways I am motivated by fear. Again, thank you so much!
You are so welcome
This is great, after "The narcissist is in my head..." by Pink Freud, we've got "Don't Fear the Narcissist" by Blue Pümpkin Cult in time for Halloween!
I like your ideas, as always, _and_ I think we need at least one person in our life whom we can trust with our vulnerability, who accepts all of us, all our feelings, and doesn't put us down, and we need to get away from those whose actions cause us deep fear, until we find the strength to hold our own and not be thrown by them or take up with them. Trust in self is greatly aided by trustworthy others.
Best to all, and enjoy the occasion 🎃 -- it's good to be able to both feel and laugh at our ultimate fear! 👻 And may I recommend _The Sixth Sense,_ a very scary movie with a good heart, as it's actually about supportive listening?
Yes, I do agree with you on your recommended movie "The 6th Sense". It's really a great film - about finding the truth by being allowed to feel vulnerable. And it's only scary as long as you haven't opened up to hear, see and feel the truth from within. And by supporting each other in this process. - I've watched this movie several times for it is indeed a very warmhearted film about breaking free.
@@roxymovie3938 Yes, and it's about how we help each other in both directions. And it seems to have been divinely inspired, as the writer couldn't see the twist at the end for many drafts and couldn't come up with another movie as good after. And for me the scariness of the sound effects lasted through many viewings -- always worth it.
@@globalheartwarming Yes, defenitely always worth to watch this film again. I do not know anything about the background of this film but I find it like a vision to look beyond for things often don't seem to be the way they look like. And now I know about Narcs there is also a connection to the death people, who do not know that they are not alive because of the trauma. Also a great film about forgiveness. - Thank you for reminding me of this title. 🙏💛🙏
@@roxymovie3938
🙏
❤️
Really hit it out of the park with this! Re-calibrate myself with my immediate family member and this is the path. Thanks for this video!!!
You're so welcome!
You just described me 100 percent
Thank you for your video. I wish I had found you years ago! My mother was a narcissist. I did not bisit her for 5 years before her death as I found out that she had been poisoning my food and drink when visiting her. Have you any videos that can help people to heal? Thank you.
At age 53 I discovered this channel and ended a six year streak of being gaslit. It happened a ton throughout my life and had we all been taught in High School as part of the Curriculum? Narcissism and how to deal with Gaslighting. It should be mandatory by grade 8-10. The word narcissistic should be common in our language. We tend to use bullies a lot but it’s much deeper than thata and it’s a Disorder that we can do nothing but stay clear of.
Thank you DR.C!
You are very welcome
Thank you Dr.C, I know you have a background and lots of experience in anger management. Thank you again and Team Healthy and Gus! God bless ❤🙏
Thanks, Sherry!
Thank you for this video I was loved bombed by my neighbor she lives directly next door to me we share the same wall together we've been together for a year and a half never heard of anybody being a narcissist but I found out she is also has PTSD and claims she was molested by her dad She's always telling me I'm cheating doing all these things that I'm not I loved and cared for her again thanks for the video I've been nothing but used and abused and shit on trying to deal with this alone don't have anybody else in the same town as me and she's still has me like a yo-yo when she wants to talk then when we get off the phone she'll text me back and say I'm cheating oh my gosh what are you doing leave me alone I know I shouldn't have trusted you and then flip me the finger emoji I'm hating it right now thanks for listening
This video was FANTASTIC. Very on-target, practical, and helpful for me. Thank you. I'm 66 and just realized over the last year the unhealthy aspects of my older sister's personality -- some of which fall under narcissism. I guess it's never too late to learn. Bless you.
I was in denial that my ex husband was a narcissist. Watching these videos has been very eye opening because he did a majoirty of the things talked about in all these video's.
DRC forever!
To rhyme "DRC works for me!"
I bet the dog has a great knowledge and understanding of dirty narcissists just by listening to Dr. Carter explain how the narcissists operate. That dog is in mostly all the videos.
What a lovely dog it seems to be. Animals are something special for sure and dealing with narcissists really makes you appreciate the company of animals even more. That dog looks like he's got it made. Great looking dog by the way.
Gus is a 9 1/2 year old terrier mutt. I got him as a rescue at 10 months, and I swear, being a rescue makes him more loyal. He would go to my office with me prior to me retiring, and now my study is one of his hangout places. He's a great companion!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank goodness you came along and rescued him, now he has it made lounging around and absorbing some knowledge as well.
What a great outcome for him. He looks nice.
Dr. C; the narcissist wanted me to apologize to him so he could feel better; I didn't know what I was apologizing for, it was demeaning!
He called it "humility", I called it "humiliating" and "unnecessary!:
In Thanksgiving:( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: The Presentation: ( Awareness- Mental Health- Information ℹ️ Fabulous) : btw: is wonderful: again: wonderful
Not to mention when the phone goes and I feel a sense of panic, and when a letter or note arrives in the post my stomach churns and think, do I really want to read this
This
Thank you Dr. C. This was so very helpful to me. I am so glad you posted this video.