That’s my mother! She’s an emotional wreck 24/7 and constantly needs me to be there for her, constantly complains and nags... but if I have a bad day and need to vent or am struggling emotionally she gets angry at me
But very good listening skills in the beginning, when they're love bombing/drawing you in and also figuring out what makes you tick (so they know best how to control you).
@@_anon_4532 call a domestic violence hot line. They will create a plan and provide undisclosed shelter so you can leave. Don't say you're going to - just Leave.
The worst part is the multiple personality part. They can be very fun and pleasant among more surface level friends and coworkers, but they can be completely different and cold-hearted towards their family members.
@@heather9165 Sad to hear this. Can I add another nuance? How about never willing by to admit how crappy she treated the kids -- usually never discussed, but if it came up, the denials / rationalizations flowed like water during a flood. These people are broken at a level below their ability to manage it. Once I keyed in on these dynamics, I see these traits in a whole lot of people. The gist of the Bible is that God is in the process of recreating His Character of Care-for-Others-Equal-to-Self, but what we see around us is the manifestation of the exact opposite, even if cleverly masqueraded. Read the fruits of God's Spirit, and them reverse them. What results is a very concise description of narcissism as we see it today. You likely know this, but it wasn't you. Your subconscious might not fully get this, though. It was almost certainly that her children represented a *stressor* in her life, and her sympathetic nervous system was so upregulated that she lost control. This environment is very stressful. The body goes through metabolic changes when under chronic stress. I **highly** recommend you look up "Morley Robbins" and learn what he reveals about these nutrient dynamics. The easiest thing to do is to stop eating iron fortified processed food, but that's just the beginning. His program is given away freely.
They're SO much fun with surface level friends. And they seem so giving and kind.. it's only later you realize all those gifts were 100% transactional and designed solely to cement your loyalty and create a sense of guilt and obligation toward them.
Perfect description of my wife. The rollercoaster ride has become boring and disgustingly predictable. I used to crave a real conversation with her. Constantly wondering why I cant actually connect on an emotional level. everything is fake and false. dry and impersonal. for the longest I thought it was me, right up until our kids were old enough to communicate and express feelings. I love my babies. She hates that I adore our children. My son watches your videos, you have improved our lives immeasurably. THANK YOU!
I am sorry to hear it. I hate it when a spouse COMPETES with their own children for time, attention and resources. The worst of both worlds, single parenting but supporting and stuck with a spouse so you can't go out and seek a real partner in life. Watch out though. Such a person lies easily when it suits him or her. The most outrageous things will come out of her mouth if it suits her.
The fact that it's not your spouse who watches the videos says it all... Congratulations for raising your kids well balanced among the obstacles. 💯💘🍀🌠🏆
I am glad you have found some help here and I hope you can find an effective and understanding therapist. Even when the problem is with the other person there may be ways you can optimize your relationship. All the best to you🙏
They have to be the one who suffers the most. No one ever has it worse than them. You could be in a hospital bed dying of cancer and they will sit there and moan about their rotten life. It's like they are in a competition with you, like the "Pain Olympics" or something.
Oh my God, you seriously just described EXACTLY what happened whit my mother and me! I actually DID have cancer a few years ago ay the age of 37 (thyroid, and it almost killed me twice before anyone even knew I had a thryoid problem, let alone cancer of it) and she is a nurse who's never had cancer, but BY GOD, don't you know that her broken shoulder was WAY worse? Yep, that's her alright... Woe is me! Also too, I learned from my own aunt and uncles and even grown son that she lied about being raped at 10 years old to compete with me, because I really was raped at 4 years old.... I died at birth from failure to thrive and being born 6 weeks early. In my case, failure to thrive was from me dying from a literal lack of love. This is why I am very grateful to God for the experience He gave me in Jesus in Heaven. My father was extremely abusive to her, and she was extremely abusive to me. I don't understand this.... I love my children with EVERYTHING I GOT, and I cant understand how you can do this to your own child? 😢😢 this isn't woe is me either, it just astounds me that this is what I was subjected to my whole life... Now it makes sense why she's distant with me right now as I try and repair my 25 year marriage. I wonder about my husband too sometimes because of things we've been though ( he was abusive to me in the past), but then begin to think its me that's the narc for even thinking that because I'm no angel in life either.... I am so confused!
@@DeborahLArmstrongthank you so much for responding to me and yes ma'am, i sure am trying! Hugs back to you and I am saying a special prayer for you too! God BLESS you! Are you SURE I'm not a narcissist? I know I have attachment, codependency and abandonment issues too, but the abandonment and attachment issues seem to be dissolving with The Lord's Help?
@@flamingsword777 I don't know you in person, so I cannot say if you are a narcissist. But generally, if you are even asking yourself that question, it's likely that you are not. Narcissists don't ever self-reflect, so they wouldn't even ask themselves that question.
This is spot on! What is really scary is the vulnerable narcissist who is also able to turn this behaviour on and off at will, appearing charming when it serves their purposes.
@@mindylehrman6471 sounds like what I went through and still going through! It's so damn hard because I actually really love him and we do have lots in common. He's in South Africa and says he wants me to go and be/live with him. I visited him 2 years ago and it was lovely, I have to say that, it was. I'd be making a huge sacrifice and giving up everything I know and the thought of doing that is very scary and hurts. I love his Jekyll character, I wish he was like that all the time but he isn't. His behaviour and treatment of me at times has been awful - even at a distance ( I'm in UK) he can be so controlling and manipulative at times, he does display the covert/vulnerable narcissist traits. This is so unbelievably hard for me - I hate it. I actually did walk away 4 weeks ago - no contact.......it was really tough......then we spoke recently.....not a good idea but it happened. Heart and head doing battle right now. I know what he is at times but I think I will always love him. Call me stupid, I probably am.
@@rachelbrough8160 I'm sure you deserve better. I'm sure there's some nice non-controlling, non-manipulative man in the UK who would love you and treat you with the respect. Firstly, respect yourself. Don't allow yourself to be mis-treated. Grey rock!!!
I like how Dr. Carter often ends his videos by suggesting things we can work on in ourselves. It's so easy to sit in judgment and think, "Well, I'm not a narcissist, so I'm ok," but we all have things we can work on.
Describing a difficulty is not the same as judgment. I'm hoping that for each of us, increased awareness becomes an opportunity for self examination. Dr. C
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER Forgiving someone doesn't mean turning the other cheek so that they can continue abusing you. Not in my 'book'. If it helps you to move on and out of the narc's life then, yes, forgive.
@@patsig7632 You need *GODs forgiveness* first (that's what I'm talking about) to be able to forgive others anyway. It is vital to accept you're a sinner just like them. This has nothing to do with abuse but it's in the 'book'.
They will hold on to grudges until they need that person for something again. Then they call them up out of the blue and expect that person to do their bidding. Really odd behavior.
Yeah, that's the most confusing part about them. First they say how horrible and unloveable you are, but the moment they want something from you, they start saying how much they cherish you. I tried to figure my mom out for so many years and always reached a dead end. I'm so relieved to know I'm not alone and that this is actually a form of narcissism.
Mine asked her friend, Lynn, to come help her, then after "Lynn" is gone, talks smack about her behind her back. I told her (the narc) she's nothing but a coward. If she can say to Lynn the things she says behind her back, I'd believe her more often. But she never will.
@@serenasmuckers9310 Yeah, they're two-faced. I see a few of them at work. They are just as arrogant as overt ones and only seem to warm up to the ones with status. Sometimes they'll talk smack about others behind their backs. One thing I often noticed at work and when I was at school is the ones who are toxic and controlling will start crowding around newcomers and try to influence and brainwash them against adversaries with the triangulation. They'll let new people move up to be above me by training them more on certain skills even though I was there longer than them.
@@pamwhitehouse5961 that's awful. Sometimes, though, it's simpler. They go after the new people at school, because halfway through the first semester, everyone knows they're full of shit, and they need supply. They go after the Fresh meat.
I’m an artist. It’s what I do. My husband constantly tells me the parts he doesn’t like and what he would do to “fix” my obvious mistakes. And he is NOT an artist. It’s made me doubt my God given talent for 13 years. This is my second night of freedom. 🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉
I’m an artist too, and it’s all kinds of frustrating to get uncalled for input about your work from a spouse or love partner that : one- doesn’t seem to care about your work; and two: hardly has a creative bone in their body 😮
I am so happy for you. I’m sure he had some good qualities, but those negative ones drown out the good ones. The negative qualities are intended to cause you discomfort, embarrass you, goad you, belittle you, etcetera. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Let them go their miserable way, if you can. If you cannot learn how to manipulate them! Lots of good information on manipulation of narcissist people.
raised by one - this is a cinch! 1) gossips & snoops 2) backstabs/triangulates - communication is always indirect 3) critical 4) manipulative 5) martyr/victim complex - seeks sympathy, not empathy 6) extremely emotionally immature 7) envious of other women (or men but they're usually women, no?) 8) belittling 9) enamoured with celebrities & fame 10) "faultless"/blameless 11) shallow/vain 12) morbid/sadistic ie schadenfreude 13) contemptuous, petty, indifferent (added extras for good luck)
You are spot on. I met one in particular, a man. Utterly vile! So scary. Had a couple of sister's the same. "Had" because i went no contact. Best decision ever made. You know this type fully well, with every point spot on.
These individuals are creepy. They appear harmless until they snap. Then the lying, manipulation, self pity & vicious rage comes out. Wolf in sheep's clothing is right!
I'm currently cutting ties with a close friend who checks every box on this list. They are SO emotionally manipultive. I'm putting my foot down. No more!
The same with me.. A disgusting metamorphosis took place in a close friend I trusted for years, when I said: 'I dont want you to talk about my privacy in the company of others'. She became from a 'close friend' all of a sudden the greatest victim. Denied everything, didnt remember anything, she said fake sorrys and ran to these others to get confirmation from them, huh? Yes! When my trust is damaged I take myself seriously and there is no going back for some fake sorrys anymore. I went no contact. Again a injury to her..Since than she is pure slandering me behind my back to everyone I know, ugh! Even my expartner with whom I get along well now and have a child with, just to sow discord between us. Really ugly they are! I hope you never experience this. Take good care!👋💪
Good for you and congratulations! You deserve better. I ended a friendship last spring after we had a falling out and she verbally abused me for the last time. She wants us to be friends again but I decided back then that I was done.
@@violajoseph8549 Except that my vulnerable narc is being mentored by a Malignant narc to listen in on conversations and complain. That's where she beomes toxic
@I I I feel you! I’ve had similar guilt most of my life and am finally working through it now that I understand what I grew up with (other than just always thinking and calling her “mean old mom”) and how it adversely affected me and my brother, who sadly drank himself to death after a miserably tortured life of low self worth, anxiety and a string of toxic, broken relationships. My mother’s mother was also narcissistic and my mother had a hard time growing up in that environment as well. But, our mothers are responsible adults and could have done things differently, especially since they struggled with their own mothers and presumably would have liked to do better with their own children. Most people are not all good or all bad, which makes this tough, also because of the shame cast on us for not having only loving feelings for our mothers. I think it’s the most complex and important relationship there is and they messed it up. To me, the goal is to see reality as it is and take care of ourselves emotionally first, as wasn’t done by our mothers. My mother was only dutiful and perfunctory with me, so that is how I’ve chosen to be with her, and I continue to grieve what never was but which I needed and wanted. Best of luck and blessings on your healing journey. 💜
@I I I really relate to everything you said too and am sorry for you and your brother. Bitterness comes to mind as I know my brother was very bitter and I still am too. Yes, the physical needs were taken care of, but not the emotional and therefore they only did part of the job while messing up the other part massively. My mother is a child too. People who are so wounded and immature and didn’t do their inner work have no business having kids because the kids will most likely suffer immensely and undeservedly for not getting the love, nurturing, emotional support or approval they need and therefore continue to seek it in one way or another forever, often unhealthily and unsuccessfully. Cognitive dissonance is a great phrase to describe it and I feel that too. It’s very hard to hold all the conflicting feelings at once, I say that all the time. It feels all-consuming and I wish it would go away. Prayers for all of us. I hope you and your brother have a good relationship and can help one another understand and heal. My brother and I were estranged our whole lives and we dealt with it all individually unfortunately. 💜
I think it’s important to differentiate between covert narcissism and Complex PTSD or autism spectrum disorders which can potentially have similar symptoms. The big difference is the empathy factor and willingness to get healthy / better. I was told for years I had “BPD” which was actually C-PTSD and undiagnosed Aspergers. I often worry I am actually a narcissist because I have some symptoms but I realize how many years I’ve tried to get help and keep working on myself.
I know I have CPTSD. I have all these different kinds of narcissist personality people. They are almost all the people that have my phone number in their phone. I'm probably safe to go out & about now. 😅
This is SO spot on. My ex wife. Well, this and the alcoholism and food addiction. No wonder I was miserable. It’s impossible to have a rational conversation with these people. And if you try to discuss your feelings/needs, forget about it.
Jon, funny you should bring up addiction. Mines addicted to her computer. 10+ hours a day. She goes into withdrawal if I tell her to turn it off. Electronics addiction is real... There are 7 clinics that deal with it in Dallas.
I see the alcohol and food abuse not as problems in themselves, but as symptoms. Deal with the root problems and you will be less and less interested in abusing yourself through alcohol and overeating. Also though, realize, alcohol and overeating are hand in hand biology problems. If you don’t drink so much, you will more than likely also not overeat.
Addiction can also include workaholic. It's used y9 avoid home life and normal situations while gaining sympathy for Having to work so hard and gaining sympathy for that as well.
So true...give upon rational conversation. Let go of trying to communicate your own emotions vulnerabilities and needs. The wasted effort only drains and disappoints you
It’s like describing my husband. Today is a bad day. Didn’t know what offended him. Suddenly I get a cold shoulder, silent treatment, glum and sulky face. Like a five year old having a tantrum. They jump to some conclusion without any discussion and suddenly you are guilty as charged. Countless times my words have been misconstrued and used against me. I usually wonder if he even understands basic communication.
He is emotionally abusing you. This isn't normal behavior or "just how men are.". I hope you find a way to leave and find a partner who doesn't use these behaviours to control you and the whole environment around you with his narcissistic mood swings. You deserve and can have better - I've been there, I promise he's not worth it.
@Nunya Biznes I appreciate you taking the time to write here. And I'm sorry you and your partner have communication issues. That's not the crux of what we are discussing here though; silent treatment is, forgive me, an inadequate/immature form of conflict resolution/avoidance which some people like yourself resort to at times. It's not healthy but neither is drinking and people still do it. What we are talking about is when it is weaponized by a narcissist it becomes a tool to abuse and emotionally control the partner. It makes them insecure and starved for assurance and acceptance, which is what keeps the co dependent partner always worried about their emotional security in the relationship. It is a very hurtful and harmful tactic that causes emotional trauma and health issues for the person on the receiving end. It's not to be made light of, which I don't think you're doing of course. I wish you well in your relationship and I can assure you what you do isn't part of this discussion so not to worry. Just focus on communicating better with your partner in times of stress. Use your words and don't retreat.
@@Moderca you are spot on, she describes my ex husband, I put up with the childish silent treatment for 28 yrs, I didn't know about narcs until a yr after splitting. I always made excuses for his behavior to myself and basically that means I wasn't authentic in my marriage. Never again will I be manipulated and controlled by the silent treatment, it just isn't mature or acceptable behavior.
@@Moderca I am curious as to how you say that he is abusing her emotionally? You have such little information and its one sided, I get what the silent treatment can be, but silence can also be used when it feels like you are talking to a wall, you eventually give up and the person may feel it is the silent treatment, but it might not be. Like some people are very good at twisting everything to their own favor and beating you down with it, eventually the person learns it is better to not even talk? I am not saying that is how it is HERE, I don't know, but not everyone is as innocent as they may believe.
It’s all about sucking you into their rabbit hole. Was married to a narc for years. His silent treatments were legendary. Twisting what you say is also a classic narc trait. It’s all used to make you lesser...and to have you scrambling to figure out what YOU did wrong. It’s really quite sick and twisted.
I am a vulnerable narcissist and have BPD. I over-analyze myself and shift from hating myself to hating everyone. I am consciously working on becoming more open and honest with myself and others, and I am learning to accept myself as well as other people. Ultimately, I want to improve, and leave this world a better place than the way I found it.
I realize you posted this 2 years ago but I was wondering how your journey has been for you. I have people I love and worry about with narcissism, BPD and BP2. It’s almost impossible for anyone to accept therapy. (Except me! lol) You are very unusual and you should be proud of yourself. It’s always difficult to ask for help and to step out of or mental comfort zones!
Dr. C OMG!!! You described my life to the “T”. They play nice and nasty with you which often times have you confused. They breadcrumb you they gaslight you they play this superiority persona with you making you question your ability to reason. They are passive aggressive they withhold affection from you they withhold affirmations from you but on the outside people think that they are so wonderful. This relationship is mentally and physically draining. Sir, God bless you.🙏💕
I find that they seek help and when you try to assist them, they turn on you. You soon find that you need to listen , but understand that somehow they need to get to a place where they decide what to do. It is often a no win. A drowning man pulling you down, as you try to help.
@Marie Rose, the seeking help is just a tool to real you in, addressing our helper instinct, kindness, empathy. While in the emotional mode of being concerned and wanting to help, your rational mind is blocked and you no longer pay attention to the things your logic would tell you are off. Oldest sales trick in the word: talk to the emotiones, then they can't think clearly. For 50 years my sister's battle cry was: _"Cendy, you must help me, because of .... (lies about her husbands).... I'm so exhausted that I can't do anything at all anymore."_ Because of my empathy and false sense of duty and responsibility, she got me every dog on time. With the result of her exploiting me to the max for weeks and months. While I worked full time and had to take care of my own family, she sat at my house with first one, later three children, had me run her errands, ate my food, used my electricity, heat, water, etc., saving her money. While I took care of them and had not 4, but 8 people to haul groceries and cook for, their dirt to clean, clothes to wash, etc., she sat on her lazy butt, doing absolutely nothing but smoke cigarettes and drink coffee all day long, figuring out who did what to her and how she will revenge herself, concocting lies about everyone and rewriting history. And when I came home from work after a long day, instead of being able to relax, she bombarded me with her negativity and lies. While she vacationed at my expense, the more exhausted I got, the worse got her insults and rudeness. Despite erroneously thinking she needs my help, the right thing to do would've been to throw her out at the first deragotary remark; helplessness does not equate a get-out-of-jail-free card for nastyness. The last time she tried to pull that stunt, 4 months before I had open heart surgery, after the litany of how bad she has it, I told her: _"You know how ill I am, I won't risk my life to drive the hundreds of miles to get you out of the mess you've created. This time you'll have to help yourself, like I had to, despite the troubles you and others caused me and the boulders you and them put in my way."_ Silence, she must've been shocked over her stunt not working like it did for decades, so I said good bye and put down the telephone. Two hours later she called back, trying to appologize, it all wasn't meant that way (gaslighting), sounded worse than it actually is (more gaslighting), blah blah. So I told her straight out that she said exactly what she wanted to say, because for 50 years it worked. Again silence, and I said good bye.
@@cendyd.7106 Yes, the abuse ( lying, gaslighting, mocking etc) comes along with the cries for help. Like you, 24 hours a day was not enough hours to have, to fit in all that I did out of love, but they did not show me the love and respect back. Their exploitation had no bounds. I now love them from afar.
@@marierose6792 the Bible tells me, I don't have to love evil people. Matter of factly, even Yahuah (God) hates what they're doing, eventually even He goes no contact with them, those are called reprobates, the unredeamable ones. "Love your brother" pertains to believers only, to people who want to do right, God's children. An abuser is never one of God's children, regardless of what they claim. They're not my kind of people and have squandered my love for them. I've totally emotionally distanced myself from them, all they are is people I used to know, no emotion involved, neither love, nor anger, as if they're strangers just walking by.
I went out with a vulnerable narcissist. Never have I had to walk on eggshells this much. Their silence is incredibly cruel, and they will never admit the harm they do. If a smallest thing is not to their liking they will just walk out without communicating and leave you worried and confused, not even knowing what you did wrong. I’m so glad I ended it but the damage they did was very deep.
@iako gegechkori I’m sorry this is happening to you. What I mean by their silence is cruel, is that it feels like they’re constantly punishing you with their silence, and you’re never sure why. A healthy relationship requires communication, and you can’t communicate if someone is freezing you out all the time. No matter how much empathy and understanding I had for them, they’d get angry with me if I tried to communicate, or simply just leave and never explain why they’re even upset. You should not feel constantly confused in a relationship, you should feel loved and safe. You are worthy of a healthy and mutually respectful relationship. Sending a big hug!
@@caroline378 you're spot on. This is my mother. It's water off a ducks back with my father an overt narc with aspects of autism spectrum on top. Me the sensitive empathetic one, it cuts me to the core. The most emotionally cruel hot to freezing cold ppl are vuln narcs. They expect you to be a mind reader of their thoughts and feelings but show total disdain for how others feel.
I just experienced this…totally shut down and silence. Then purposely doing things to “punish”…wanting to text but then went I’d engage he would just stop responding, purposely ignoring messages etc…The worst experience of my life.
I cant talk about anything- literally anything- around my FMIL because she will butt into the conversation with an argument about how im wrong ect. ect. She cant take jokes, says mean shit, and then gets the woe is me syndrome when you point out how shes being.
I am in awe. I just got out of a 4 year relationship and this is 100% spot on. It was so so hard to leave and I’ve often felt embarrassed about just how hard it was to get away but this makes me feel so validated in the struggling. This was the same guy who could, in less than a month after my mom dying very suddenly to extremely fast moving cancer, was telling me that I wasn’t showing up for him the way I should. At the time I was 24, and his “empathy” lasted only about 3 weeks. I am so so happy to be free ☺️
I'm sorry about your mom. Sure she'd be glad you are free. I lost my mom 3 years ago also, to surprise cancer that took her in 3 months. Even so, I can't imagine only having one month to say goodbye and you are so young... grief... it's a lonely thing when you're in relationship with a narcissist. I've been thinking, I too should move on and live a better life, to honor my mom's memory. I hope you're in a much happier healthy place now. Take care.
I’m sorry about your Mom, too. I’m trying to get out of a 2yr relationship with someone who I am now realizing is absolutely a narcissist. I’m embarrassed, too, because I’m a therapist and I even fell for it. We helpers are easy targets. And he’s disabled so the needing and deserving attention and entitlement is amplified.
This posting made me realize my ex MIL died and my narc said"why do you care?" (My daughter grandmother was a huge part of her life) I then was told he couldn't handle his friend crying over their friend killing himself.... he was annoyed ...I dumped him after giving him hell and yelling at him .he won't be back
I am where you were, a little over 4 years in now, and I'm trying to plan my exit. it is so hard, I don't know why, but I know this is not healthy. I literally have so much documented just to refer back to, to keep my sanity, because everything always ends up being my fault! Thank goodness you got out!!!
Literally same boat, I didn't know she was a vulnerable narcissist until recently, quite a while after leaving the relationship. One of my best friends died, and while I was traveling, a single weekend mind you, for his funeral, she called me and we had an extremely long conversation about how she felt like I was ignoring her and just having fun with my friends and taking the opportunity to ignore her. Meanwhile I was literally at a funeral, spending a tiny amount of time with people who also loved my friend, GRIEVING. Any time I was traveling (only for a weekend or so at a time for work, albeit joyful and fun work), she would bombard me with her feelings that I was having fun without her and she was so bitter and jealous. Then she would swing to guilty for having those feelings, and it would become my job to VALIDATE those feelings to her as well as validate her decision to tell me about them while I was trying to focus on my work trip. Those were the only times she couldn't dictate my schedule for me while forcing me to act as if her dictation of my schedule (revolving around her) was my idea so she could feel reassured.
They only engage when it’s someone they want to impress or that they are attracted to. They will sit pouting or just staring and act like saying a single word is sooooo difficult but the moment they see that girl/guy they are into they will light up and try to show off etc. Then go right back to being a lump of dull negative energy the moment their potential supply is gone. It’s so creepy.
I guess. 🤦🏽♀️🤷♀️ Maybe they just like the person they are with. I don’t like being around people and feel grumpy around them but when I’m around my boyfriend I feel happy but without him I’m sad then their are other times where I want to hang out with people other then him. Some people I like others I dislike. It’s not all black and white
@@mariahconklin4150 it’s different with Narcs. If u haven’t been with one it’s hard to understand. It’s not black and white for most of us but narcs view and behave in very black and white thinking and behaviors.
On point . Have experienced this sooo many times .n I was labeled as jealous,insecure, psycho n narrow.minded . Well, time proved me right . They r the biggest hypocrites
I am the child of a covert narcissistic mother and an overt narcissistic father. Life's been pretty tough and its still holding me back in many ways after decades. And I see some of these traits in me and find it enormously difficult to overcome
I can relate to your situation almost down to a T. The difference between you and them is that you are aware of your flaws and want to try overcome them (even if it's difficult). I wish you the best of luck
I feel you and am in the same situation. Didn't see the covert/vulnerable one until after the overt one died. I miss the overt one. He was more honest and easier to spot.
Tried that one night in July after he’d told me he’d be moving out soon. I’d begun unmasking him and challenging his emotional and verbal abuse, so he was done. Final discard. One of our last nights living together I put a narcissist video on UA-cam and he came running out of the bedroom and chased me up the stairs shrieking and enraged. It was the only time he ever physically scared me in nearly three years. I’m so glad he’s gone.
@@Ratgirl2 they’re in an altered state of reality. It’s how they exist, perpetually. And they try to drag us into this altered reality right along with them. It works for a time. I thought I was literally going crazy. Almost three months with his shrieking over reacting dominating bullying ass gone and I’m thriving. Not a sip of alcohol. He used to make me want to hide in my bedroom occasionally-from big fights- and numb. And then he’d use my traumatized reaction to him against me. They’re evil creatures.
1. Very emotionally delicate. Very sensitive. 2. They can be highly critical, inwardly, under the radar. Covertly. "I'm gonna find flaws in you and then reject you so it won't hurt as bad when you reject me." 3. Quiet smugness. Having disdain. In their smugness, "I'm so glad I'm not like you." They want to belong. 4. Constant need of reassurance. Vacillate between isolation & needing affirmation. 5. They have a major tendency toward passive aggressiveness. Poor attitude toward open communication. Very quiet about it to where you wonder, are you mad at me? 6. Into Sulking. They GHOST you!!! 7. They have a strong victim mentality. The whole world sucks! No one understands me! Pessimism. Victim mentality. 8. VERY POOR LISTENING SKILLS! Always interrupt. Bring convos back to themselves. Poor capacity to join on heart level. 9. Suck the emotional energy out of the room. Walk on eggshells around them. 10. They can be very cubicle regarding others successes or gratifying experiences. 11. Self sabotage!! They don't live into their potential. Difficulty accepting compliments. 12. Have a tendency to hold onto grudges for a LONG time. Hidden superiority.
I admit I have a lot of these traits, I do my best to better myself and I hold a lot of these feelings inwardly.. I am sorry you have had bad experiences with such individuals.. wishing you the best :)
He loves to report people to a higher authority, rat them out. State board of pharmacy, inspector general, district attorney, etc, to damage and get revenge on those that he perceived did wrong or slighted him. He loves punishing like some avenging angel.
"As if you have done it". "Good, I am not like you". I don't want to share it with you". "Why do you think it's wrong?" , "I never said it". " " I never did it".
Often comorbid issues, like paranoid personality disorder. Which isnt useful, because it increases "the you done me wrong" attitude. Underlying current of anger. They can be angry for years. They are not team players.
The most disturbing aspect of this in my experience is the lying. Once they have something on you, they’ll tell a tall tale about it, which will become greater and greater over time. If you owe them ten dollars, even if you paid them back, it will be a hundred, then a thousand, and that they were supporting you, that you wouldn’t have survived without them over time.
@Inacrunch that sounds horrible tbh. Why be in a relationship with someone who feels no real love for you and you have to manipulate to get them to act decent. That sounds like pure hell.
One time at a family gathering I had a panic attack and had to go outside to get some air. As I was trying to calm down, my dad came out and I was surprised that he wanted to check on me until he said "how do you think I feel that you can't sit there with me" then walked away leaving me feeling guilty for something I couldn't control. As always, he made it all about himself and his feelings. Amazingly selfish
Yes. Tonight, I stopped him mid sentence and told him we both knew he was lying and I wasn't willing to waste anymore time listening to his lies, shut the door and walked away. That's certainly not the first time. It's endless. POS.
ALL types of narcissists are liars... that was my first clue to understanding one of my coworkers was a narcissist. I've known 3 personally and they all lied constantly. It's not just that they lie, they lie to the point of ridiculousness; hard to describe.
They will steal as well. My sister sold her house to my mother for $5000 (as is, no realtors per her manuevering) over ask. Acutally, she listed the house for $114,000 in Spring. It did not sell bc it was already overpriced. By late Summer, she decreased the price to $109,000. The house sat on the market. She manipulated my mother into moving and buying it, selling it for $114,000 in the Fall.
My dad, quiet but a narcissist. He is sensitive, hypercritical, condescending and easily angered but keeps his emotions hidden until they build up..then he explodes like an atom bomb. He is terrifying when this happens. I had to keep him from killing himself when I was a kid when he blew up. Mom (a high level diagnosed narc) just stood and screamed. I had to stay calm and talk him out of it. He spent his life feeling sorry for himself/playing the victim (mom victimized him) and being very stubborn/cold/distant. He had a sweet side but that disappeared with age. Now he seethes with anger and hatred when he doesn't like an opinion or doesn't get his way. He hates my successes and loves criticizing them. I used to love him but that love evaporated by being the target of hate and being threatened for having boundaries.
Hugs, Carolyn! All of that sounds really painful, but especially feeling the responsibility to keep him from killing himself as child. And that wasn't even talking about the diagnosed narc in your life.
Greetings sister, sorry this is so long but.... I myself have been in the same situation since childhood.. Over time I'd fall for the bait and argue back or get on their level.. I realized that only fueled their sick fire... I had to pray and ask god for guidance because i literally felt like i wasnt gonna make it... God put in my heart to never ever let them or anyone take the love out of my nor your heart nor dim your light... As hard as it might be at times.. (Because i still struggle with this myself) but we must pray for them.. Forgive the ones that hurt us.. Betray us.. Pray for the ones that curse us, persecute us and speak ill on our names.... Forgive.. let go and give it to the Lord.. Not for them but for our own inner peace and joy that has been promised to us all.. So who are they to steal it away... We're children of God... We already have the victory because God said "No weapons formed against us shall prospers.." Its a battle everyday... Stay strong in the Lord sister... I dont know you.. But I love you.. In jesus name, Amen and God bless..
You're not kidding!! The vulnerable narcissists are the hardest to detect! They fly under the radar often times. Takes a while to figure them out. You have to know what to look for. I'm on pins and needles waiting for this video. 👀
So true ,middle aged women who act like the sweetest most kindest, people who talk with a soft girly voice and the passive aggressive sabotage that they do and at the same time looking so innocent.
I always thought my brother was unique. I always thought there couldn't be anyone else in the world with such a toxic personality. - Now here is Dr. Carter describing my brother like he's known him all his life.
I have never seen a more accurate description of my ex. This is truly SCARY how close this was to her entire being. I can't even put it to words. This is her 100% in and out. I got out after 5 years. 2 first years were great, then I guess resentment and grudges regarding my "failures" took a toll. From that moment, the entire relationship became a nightmare. I tried everything to make her feel better, to pacify, to make her happy, to support her until I was drained completly. Finally I got out, it was the most difficult decision of my life. Thank you for telling me I was not crazy.
I feel I have many of these traits. I don’t want them! I have PTSD and really want good relationships and to treat other people in a fair and healthy way. I do have a long history of abuse and abandonment and do feel very separate from any type of tribal experience. I wonder what I can do to change this? I’ve never thought of myself this way. I really do care deeply for others and want to have integrity and do the right thing. Eek!
I understand. And felt similarly after discovering the narcissist in my life and my affinity. Check out the crappy childhood fairy. Any consolation: your level of self awareness is a big green flag of your in tact empathy and humanity (ie not being a narcicicst).
Many people who are sensitive & empathic & codependent with PTSD & Trauma, etc, have some or all of the traits that Dr. Les is describing here...Does not mean that they are bad narcissist people...There are no perfect childhoods most people have childhood trauma that they are coping with in adulthood...There are very few perfect people in the world that fit the text book description of perfection...Remember that Dr. Les is a trained psychologist & he is trained to pick people apart & diagnose & label them with some disorder...Many nice kind people get labelled & criticized because they do not fit the right description of what the psychologist is looking for...So do not take these descriptions & check list too seriously...He is looking at everything from the therapist point of view...They are always right & everyone else is wrong...Some Therapists can even be Narcissists in disguise also :)
@@klairef983 I really appreciate your perspective. I feel the exact same. Sometimes I get confused because I get told I am very sensitive, an empath, but then I see some traits here and I feel like I am the opposite and actually a narcissist. I worry that I am!
Maybe consider seeking some trauma informed counseling or care. I have also personally found that healing with nature and animals goes along way. Also connecting with mindfulness and making an effort to be present in the now.
I'm struggling with healing after 36 years with my narcissist mother.. All of her projections tried to gaslight me into thinking I was the out of control monster. It's really hard because when you're under their control they project so many of their emotions onto you that it makes you feel like you're the problem.
They constantly stir up strife behind one's back and aren't satisfied even when you're bending over backwards to please them. But their golden child can do nothing wrong and they sort of worship each other. This narcissist appears harmless but is really treacherous. This was my mother for 53 years. I was always striving, always rejected and never understanding what the matter was. I never imagined she was doing it on purpose, though I saw her calm pleasure in my grief.
Not going to lie, I laughed at the phrasing “emotionally delicate”. My ex had a hair trigger and would throw temper tantrums based on his bizarre interpretations of the things I would say (or my tone of voice!)
This fits my ex. When I met him he was so shy and timid. No friends and at 53 I was his first relationship. I was with him 10 years, lived with him 6 years. I used to compare his treatment of me to Chinese Water Torture. Drip by drip he nearly drove me crazy. Thank goodness I got out as I ended up so frightened of him. My family thought he was wonderful.
I’m so happy for you that you got out of the relationship. Being around a narc is like water torture, drip drip drip you end up just feeling moldy and rotten at the end of it. The only way to deal with it is to escape permanently.
What a revelation! My seemingly shy and sweet man showed all the signs of narcissism but wasn't grandiose. This video solidified so much for me and I see it all clearly now. Thank you, Dr. Carter for covering this, what an eye-opener.
Wow. This is 1000% my mom. My moms held a grudge against me for 55 years. She said to my dad ‘I’m done, you deal with her’at 2. She’s proud of that to this day. I asked her if we could have a relationship in 1993 2 years after my dad died and she coldly said no. Some people don’t get along. And that’s it. I have nothing to do with her. It’s better for my soul💕
My dad said that as a newborn he didn't recognize me as his son. Like he had some kind of intuition that i wasn't going to be like him as a person. He told me this like it was perfectly alright. Which is very odd. Of course I was never the golden child.
I hope that just being a anxiety ridden introvert with severe OCD is different than what you describe. It's exhausting explaining to people that I am not mad, I am having a good time, I care about others, etc. The behavior you describe is how I am sure I come across, but it's mostly from decades of trying to navigate the weirdness of the current world while working on my disorders. One way I get out of these tense moments is to "get out of my own head" and ask about the other person and listen. But I think in true narcissism, the person seriously does not and can't care about others. At least that's how I've understood it, maybe I am wrong. Just saying, maybe that cranky quiet person just doesn't like social situations. Maybe that coworker is just tired of navigating office politics or politics in general. I know I am.
Woah you just described so well where I am and have been my whole life. Sharing your soul story like that can make such a remarkable difference in someone’s life. Thank you. I hope you see your power!
I think it's pretty hard to distinguish between a lack of social skills, past trauma, lack of maturity, basically introverted traits and some forms of narcissism. Sometimes you do end up mistreating people but it's not always malicious or intended. There are similarities and I can see some of the behaviours he mentions here and having done them myself in the past. But I guess what counts is that you do care at the end of the day.
The difference is that you understand that your behavior may have some negative consequences for those around you, unintentionally, and you can see how your behavior could be misinterpreted. You’re not holding it against the other person but merely explaining that it isn’t where you are. A narc will fly into a rage or self pity party at even the suggestion that their actions might’ve hurt someone. Bottom line, if you’re wondering and aren’t doing things maliciously, you’re probably not a narc and people will see the difference.
I felt the same way as I listened. But narcissists underlying thoughts is selfish. The fact this "bothered" you, says your not a narcissist at all. Narcissism does not consider itself as a problem. Everyone else is the problem. Look up HG Tudor on YT.
I feel that many on the autism spectrum feel the way you do: difficult navigating social interactions, and having others comment on how their level of emotional display is somehow 'off.' No wonder so many of us just don't feel it's worth it trying to make friends. It's hard enough just to get by.
Cynicism over others successes is so real with these people. I struggled but succeeded in nursing our first baby and he called me a "one trick pony" as if nursing the baby was all I did for her lol
I had to have breast reconstruction surgery which included implants. She had little A cup mosquito bites for breasts and says, after my surgery healed, "at least mine are real". I mean, I'm healthy now, and I don't look like a freak anymore. And she says that?
@@serenasmuckers9310 wow that is mean. Im glad you are feeling better . My friend had reconstruction surgery on her boobs because it was hurting her back
Thank you, you just described my (baffling!) ex. I would think of him as Mr. Negative. But that vulnerable side, his Poor Me was just irresistible. He fooled me into thinking he had a big hurt heart , and that with just enough love, I could heal him and he would love me forever ...HAHAHA....not. But I did get trauma bonded! That was hell. I now know that Narcissists can't be saved! Just RUN.
One of the exes.... one day he started calling me names, blaming me for everything in his life, things I had not done...and I wanted to explain to him how this hurts me and how we need to change the destructive dynamics between us. He didn't understand anything. He completely lacks awareness. After the breakup (which was kind of mutual, but I wanted to fix things) he repeatedly blamed me for his depression. 5 times. "I am falling because of you." - "I feel like shit only because of you.".... "I am already depressed and don't ever do this thing to my doorbell again or else" (I never went to his house since the breakup, have even been avoiding his entire neighborhood)... The last thing he wrote to me was "I have never alluded to you being responsible for my depression". That made me so angry because it reminded me of my overtly narcissistic mother who blatantly alters reality to her liking, denying what she said or did yet remembering how I misbehaved 20 years ago - how could I!!!! .... I know today that my mother is an extremely traumatized person and I feel for her, but she made life very hard for me in many ways. I love myself more, and I feel better when I don't try to save these people and don't try to see the good in them or our time together, because this only brings back cognitive dissonance - that vulnerable narc ex made me feel like being thrown into a blender, making my mind obssessed, trying to understand him and help him because he love-bombed me so much in the beginning and I really liked his sensitivity. Soon it was revealed: he looks down on everybody but himself... My soul got lost very quickly and my heart shut down. I am still reassembling my sanity 3.5 months after the breakup and re-entered therapy. Whereas this person kept complaining about the traumas in his life, how hard everything was, yet never explained any details and never went to therapy. He has made me more avoidant, that's for sure. I was actually feeling pretty secure when we met. Now I only trust my friends and animals. Love yourself more than you love these people. They may be sick but they certainly care more about their fake egos than about you.
I dealt with one for a year as a roommate and it's hard to explain to people because they are baffling. I'll be honest, I'm tearing up reading the comments; just because it's nice to see other people validating how toxic and draining it was. It made me so depressed dealing with him 24/7.
Incredibly educational video. This kind of narcissist will drag you down with them and try to re-shape your whole life, for worse. I would also add another point to the checklist and that is shaming you. They are HUGE on shaming your interests, hobbies, anything. To the point where you may give up on those interests and hobbies, I am serious. That's how influential they can be in a bad way. Just like Dr. Les Carter says - Don't ever adjust your personality and style around these people just because they're sulking, I've done this way too many times and what for? A vulnerable narcissist will make you so confused you will forget who you are as a person. It's so hard to re-build yourself back but it's possible, it just takes time and effort and a lot of self-love. Thank you for this video!
This is 100 %my stbx. Every single point - the smirking smugness, the constant need for reassurance, the silent treatment, the need for it to be all about him, the sneering internally at others, the thought he's superior but unable or unwilling to join in, gaslighting, lies, the envy, the need to sabotage everything .... All of it. It is so wearing.
This is my mom! Thank you! I learned a lot of these behaviors in childhood and kept them until I went to college and saw people with much healthier behaviors and started to unlearn a lot of these while replacing them with healthier ones. I've spent much of my adulthood improving myself away from several of these behaviors that felt like factory default settings. Always more to do to improve myself but so glad for info like this to help me see it more concisely. Life is so much better when you aren't living in constant paranoia! While I can't stand narcs, I can at least empathize with the pain that is living with that kind of paranoia since it was a part of my childhood. Glad to be free of that!
He would always say to me “we have to be better to one another otherwise it won’t work .” And I’m thinking “what was wrong ? Where did that come from?” 🙄 I’m also writing a book and he would roll his eyes when I talked about it. What a child !!
Wonderwoman2, I'm guessing he meant you should be working harder to please him. I've known a few people like this, who will hint that you aren't quite doing enough to show your devotion. Your being focused on your book takes attention away from him. Right, his rolling his eyes is childish. I hope he also has some adult qualities. Good luck with your book! 🙂
Jeanog that’s what I was thinking at the time. I know now what he was doing. And really no adult qualities. The more you learn about narcissism the more you will realize they’re adults in 7 year old bodies. And he was grooming someone else at the time he was saying these ridiculous things to me - that gave him the time and room to see someone else and not completely let go of me.
I've spent weeks reflecting on my mental state and how I view my relationships, and this has literally been eye opening for me, and helped me realise i've been doing this stuff since I was at a young age, without ever knowing how I managed to feel similar if not identical things with different people over the years, and never began to empathise for the ppl i do this to until now
Narc people helped me to realize that what we call "Hell" isn't a fiery planet waiting for us in the Afterlife, but rather, a state of mind that can afflict the living... A narcisst's life feels like 'living hell' to them and in their mind it excuses them from all the hurt that they inflict on others. To an exterior observer, the struggle appears real, so you try to help them, but to them you're like another threat to their way of being 🤔
My personal favourite is that they tell you what you're feeling. My mother would say things like "You must be feeling exhausted", "You're feeling hurt right now", etc.. um no, I didn't say that and why are you assuming my emotions? Did you ask me?
And then you make the mistake of saying, "Are you asking me what I am feeling? Or are you telling me what I'm feeling??" Oh, how the shizz hits the fan then.
No wonder my 30 year marriage was so confusing! At the end of it, he suddenly turned malignant and all the worst parts of him came rushing out. It was very much an Incredible Hulk back and forth transformation with me as the emotional punching bag for months before I was able to go no contact. I’m learning so much here and all the pieces of his weirdness are falling into place.
Wow. I have sworn my father is a narcissist but have never been able to explain why in a way someone who doesn't know about them to understand. This is the first time I have heard of a vulnerable narcissist, and this explains him perfectly! It's weird because it's like you know him as well as I do, and you have never met 😮.
I seem to have traits from several types of narcissism. I get very depressed and hate myself because of the way I treat people. I don’t think of myself as manipulative and don’t consciously think of ways to exploit or use people. I see myself as the opposite, never asking for help and always offering compensation for the help I do ask for.
Don't let this guy make you feel worse. This video is so creepy and unfeeling. If someone has had bad parenting and tries their best they should give themselves a pat on the back.
I agree, this man and Dr Todd Grande have fairly huge hatred for BPD diagnosed women especially and also NPD both diagnosed and undiagnosed--perhaps they were in relationships with such diagnosed individuals, either way, I usually avoid them both.
@@WakeUpDontTakeTheMark Exactly. Truthfully, these are traits that anyone can have, to numerous, or varying degrees. LOL this describes a LOT of people out there these days. If you feel guilt, or remorse period, you're not a narcissist.
All of these signs sound like me (except holding grudges) and that explains a lot. I know I am not a full blown Narcissist because I couldn't cop to this but there is definitely a lot of work that needs to be done. I have married two Narcissists. I didn't know until my 2nd that this personality type exists. I can understand why I was attractive to this type and now understand why I was discarded by both. I am going to continue to work towards healing my vulnerabilities and injuries. I am going to continue to challenge myself to mature and reintegrate back into loving supportive relationships in time especially now that I am not feeding off of or into Narcissistic patterns anymore. Many prayers and light to survivors who turned in on themselves and became their own worse enemy. There is help and relief from grief as soon as you embrace accountability.
The vulnerable narcissist in my life was one of my roommates. She basically started avoiding being in the same room with me at all costs. I would try to ask what was wrong, and she'd give very unhelpful feedback, like "You're just a terrible roommate." I tried to guess what she was mad about, then I would apologize and make amends for these things. She would just say, "I appreciate the gesture." And later she'd insist she couldn't totally forgive me because "to this day, you still act like it was an honest mistake, when we both know you did it on purpose." And before I knew what was happening, she'd successfully organized a smear campaign against me. So now, all of our shared friends are entirely shunning me. Who knows what she claimed I did to her, but her fibs must involve me doing some pretty heinous things to get this level of vitriol and hatred from so many former friends.
this happened to me with a roomate she loved to drink and party was a sloppy drunk and financially irresponsible. She tried to get my roomates gainst me,didnt work because I just didn't respond or react in her manner, meaning bitchy and craycray lol
About six weeks ago I disconnected from a friend of roughly 15 years, because even after months of repeated warnings, and having taken the time to express the issues in the functionality of our relationship and what needed to begin to change for the relationship to continue, instead of working on things and communicating with me, they doubled down and it began rapidly worsening. They became insulting and massively trying to guilt trip me. This person was 12/12 on the vulnerable narcissist list discussed here; literally everything you said applied to them. Emotional basketcase, everything is everyone else's fault, HUGE victim complex, absolutely self-absorbed, ghosting and then suddenly reappearing when they need support, the energy black hole in every room, attempting to manipulate everyone around them especially by passive aggressiveness/guilt tripping, etc. This person hits every mark detailed in this video; I've never heard a person so perfectly described. I wish them the best, but holy cow.... what a mess.
YEP!! My EX gay-male best fried … but TODAY it ends here with this video!!! 20 years and he STILL doesn’t know how to be a true friend! I would apologize for any perceived “slight” and he would forgive me only to go back and renig (take back) the forgiveness!
Tried to explain this to a marriage therapist who painted it as a “rough patch.” So basically, I’m making up and or exaggerating all the passive aggression I’m experiencing. Thank God for these videos that validate people who can’t find someone who gets it. Walking on eggshells for years is not a “rough patch.”
My narc ex-friend is an interesting blend between a vulnerable and communal narcissist. However, unlike a lot of vulnerable narcissists, she’s not an introvert, but she is most definitely very delicate and she easily takes things the wrong way. When you said “if you go to a party and forget to say ‘hi’ to them, they take it personally.” This is exactly what she is like. I’ve never seen anyone who is so easily slighted over the most trivial things. And, she loves to talk about other people behind their backs and about how terrible they were towards her. It’s so exhausting and I’m so glad to be away from that now. It’s been six months of freedom. 💕😊
I am a narc magnet. I have spent 10 years deleting many from my life learning what it is and who I am and why I allowed such toxicity. I had a guy friend who is a introvert and I a highly extroverted happy go lucky person. I knew he was insecure w a fragile ego, but I never thought narcissist until He started showing spite and weird behaviours over normal nothing. I pulled away realizing this guy is creating drama about nothin g because he actually is threatened by my outgoing nature. He is exactly everything you just described. So sad
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Sadly, it has taken just over two decades to realize what I've been dealing with. As the kids became older and more independent, I finally had the bandwidth to take in my marriage. Someone used this great analogy - as I was juggling marriage, kids, household, and work, it was like a band was playing. Then suddenly the band stopped playing and the lights came on, and finally I could take in who was in the room with me. Now on to making positive changes.
Yes,this is the person who waits until our meditation group is happily all chatting,then suddenly she brings everything to a halt by having an emotional,tearful crisis which requires whoever she makes eye contact with and tearfully waves over to sit next to her and give her a hug. Despite her being fine 10 minutes earlier. You can almost count down in your head when it starts. She's 60!
Oh my goodness! My mom and brother exactly. Mom matches all but one of these boxes and my brother all but two. Silent treatment, pouty, jealous, not happy for peoples success, eye rolling, judgmental and grudges. I can’t win with either one. I walk on eggshells at every get together. I am exhausted and have went almost no contact. I am 63 and I am worn out physically and mentally with both of them. They feed off of each other! My brother is not speaking to me now and my mom grunts when I call! I just can’t believe why anyone would want to be like that. Life is so short and so precious. Every day is a gift and I just have to try and save whatever is left of myself. They have taken my confidence, my respect and my smile. I have to stay strong.
Being somewhat anxious in relationship style myself, of course one found me. Her problem solving skills were limited to the SILENT TREATMENT and GHOSTING. Final discard after almost 4 yrs was 5 weeks ago and I am devastated. She Ghosted 7+ times but, I chased because she was obviously broken, abused, etc. My codependent empathetic self wanted to white knight her, to save her unfortunately, she wasn’t having it. I once told her the silent treatment is a form of abuse... guess that was another conversation she wasn’t paying attention to. She was Super sensitive to criticism too. Walking on eggshells for sure...all the time. I’m trying to see her absence as a gift, a learning opportunity.😝 Shit! Who am I kidding? She lives a mile away, changed schedule, staying with friends ( flying monkeys), etc. I am TOTALLY GHOSTED! Her loss. I was devoted to her, loved her, and told her looking for happily ever after with her, needing some form of emotional intimacy. After several years of subtly trying to “fix” the situation I, in desperation, I kinda broke down and expressed my need for emotional connection and empathy...you know what she thought of it. She took as ultimate criticism, I think, and gone gone gone! You’ll never get closure from a narc. Listen to your gut and question them at first. Do not fall for the love bombing! Don’t spend 4 yrs believing they are in the relationship with you, it is a lie.🙏
Well, that was extremely helpful. I've spent years trying to establish if my sister was a narcissist. I love my sister. One of my biggest fears is that she will reject me like my parents repeatedly rejected me. And she has for long stretches. My father is a malignant narcissist. My mother had histrionic and narcissistic tendencies and was what might be coined a vulnerable narcissist. My sister is the youngest and was always treated as the good daughter. In the family role system, I was the bad daughter even when I was a virgin who was introverted and hid in my room reading books to stay out of the line of fire, and always tried to please my parents who were never satisfied. My parents taught my sister how to treat me and to devalue me. Here, I am, almost 64 and still in this dynamic with my sister. She ghosts me if I am not on my best behavior and I stop walking on egg shells and express concerns. I try to do a lot of self-examination. What did I do wrong or how did I play a part in causing the upset which entails my sister storming off in a huff as soon as we disagree on anything so there can not be a connection or communication despite differences. Whenever it seems like something I could possibly be responsible for from my own selfish end, I apologize. And wow, Dr. Carter nailed it. Even my apologies are never good enough. However, this last time of storm out huff, my sister has actually asked me to choose between my belief in Jesus and God, or her and any relationship with her. Jesus and God are non-negotiable for me. This experience was actually freeing. Before, and at other times, I could not quite nail down or figure out if I was over analyzing or being unfair in my observances of my sister because the differences of thought were something of the world, and I could see and understand her side as well as mine. This time, she's asking me to make a choice between her and God. I can accept that she does not believe in God, and does not believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and no one comes to the father except through Jesus. No one should be forced to change their beliefs and I would not try to convince her to think differently than she does even if I wish for her salvation that she does. People can not be forced to God nor can anyone really control anyone else. The only person one can genuinely control is self and that's enough of a challenge for me. Unfortunately, self-control is not valued and is considered a dirty word these days. I am floored every day at how many people think we all need to think lockstep in agreement or we are somehow slighting someone or a group.
It is a real thing I noticed how narc of all sorts do not fully submit to God or acknowledge the importance- I dare even say the narcs are jealous and almost in competition of anyone that is a threat to their supply source getting less devoted to their narc needs. It is like they are behaving as the devil... as shocking as it seems to understand to a healthier person.
That is exhausting. She may have picked that hurdle because she knew you would refuse the bait. Very cruel. I am glad for you that you have the comfort of your faith and I hope you can find a new family of kind people who share your priorities❤.
I remember the bible verse.... "don't throw pearls to swine". Also remember the verse that says the fruit of the spirit are love, peace, joy, etc.... these are things your sister cannot know. She is ill. She has always been ill, but you just didn't see it. Now you can't unsee it. Separate from her.... she is no fun to be around anyway. I have more fun with strangers on the street or grocery store, than I do with my sister. We send ecards at Birthdays and Christmas. That's it. I don't hate her, either. I loved her very much. But for my self preservation, I must stay far away from her. If I saw her, all I want to say is "why" and she can't answer that either. Be well, my friend. Love yourself first, because you are NO GOOD to anyone else, if you can't take care of yourself, fully.... emotionally. They are like mean Pinnochhios... they never grew up... and they are pissed at the world.... nothing you need to be around during this we call our life's journey. I have no kids, no husband, few friends, but better off without my snarky sister. Stay away because it's necessary for your good health.... mandatory for your good health. I am 71 years young.. still working full time because can't live on Soc Sec alone. My sister was like this ever since I have known her... but it got worse. Enjoy the fruits of The Lord... love, peace, joy.
The narcissist thinks she is clever, While in fact she is just a deceiver, She lies and she pouts, While I can't figure it out; It's time for me now just to leave 'er.
2:08 ¹can be emotionally delicate, thin-skinned hyper-sensitive in small matters 2:50 ²critical in their thoughts about others 3:55 ³quiet smugness disdain condescension 4:58 ⁴constant need for reassurance 5:40 ⁵major tendency towards passive aggressiveness, non conformist 6:22 ⁶prone to sulking • deep shut-down 6:55 ⁷strong victim mentality 7:28 ⁸poor listening skills 8:09 ⁹suck the emotional energy out of room 9:04 ¹⁰cynical regarding others' successes 9:50 ¹¹often self-sabotage 10:24 ¹²hold on to grudges for a long time 11:50 "you don't want to polk the bear 🐼" 🤣😆
1) very emotionally delicate 2) highly critical in their thoughts about others 3) quiet smugness. (Rolling their eyes etc) 4) constant need for reassurance 5) passive aggressive behaviour 6) prone to sulking with deep shut down 7) strong victim mentality. 8) very poor listening skills. No interest in others 9) in social settings they suck the emotional element out of the room. Making others uncomfortable 10) cynical regarding others success 11) self sabotage. Not live to potential. Difficulty receiving compliments 12) tendency to hold onto grudges for a long time. Want to hold themselves ver you Overlaps with covert narcissism
You can't have friends not only because they criticize everyone privately though to outsiders they appear wonderful but only if they are in a superior position or not around others for lo g because too long their strangeness & being uncomfortable slips out. They also don't like when others like you if they're uncomfortable & must be the center of attention & will lie on you & for sensationalism if it brings attention.
You've described my life with both my sister & my soon to be ex husband! Miserable people who aren't happy unless they succeed at making those around them just as miserable! Baffling narcissist is too kind a term to use when describing these types of people.
Exactly. And they pretend to be ok to to all the other people (they are so modest.. ) but when you are alone with them they pour their anger and envy on you.. But, yes, it's so very important - and crucial - for them to bring you down at their level. It's even better for them if they make you - at least seemingly - even way more miserable than what they themselves are.. Then they feel successful. At least for a moment. "Let's just be miserable together. It's all your fault anyway."
The more I watch these videos and start to see all the ways these things apply to me, the more I feel sad and ashamed for the pain I've caused those around me, and the ways I've made their life difficult. I really want to heal and change these behaviors, but it's been 40+ years that I've been this way, and the task seems insurmountable. But, I'm going to remind myself that each day is a new day to try again to make a little progress. I'm going to keep watching these videos and keep working on myself, and just take baby steps. I wish I lived in Texas and could go to Dr. Carter for help!
Good for you for the self reflection and desire to change. Any therapist can teach you to stop using passive aggressive behaviour or sulking and you can reinvert your behaviour. Look for videos on narcissistic fleas too. These are traits we can pick up that we can work on changing.
The fact you recognize is a huge step, and I think you're not, because from my dealings with narcissists of all sorts, they simply don't care they affect you, only how you affect them. Keep up the good work!
A lot of this matches me, except I don’t harshly criticize others, I’m a good listener, and I’m happy for peoples successes. Maybe I’m just vulnerable and need to work on myself more.
Yessss!!! This is exactly what I have been doing more research on. Majority of information on narcs is grandiose or covert, but in studying my narc if determined he is more of a vulnerable covert narcissist and he has done such a number on me I hardly recognize myself, yet it happened so subtly and in slights a when he would throw tantrums like a toddler I was somehow twisted into nurturing and comforting him for me calling him out in his mistreatment of me. Looking forward to what wisdom you have for us Thank you!!!! 🙏🏼
I hope if you haven't, that you will get out of that relationship. Keep learning and be the person you want to be. I just got put of a relationship like this, and it really did a number on my self esteem. Then, the trick is not putting time and emotional energy into unhealthy people.
Lol the narc i knew broke down on me like child, after i ask him a question he was not expecting me to ask, i think it was just to get back his control, he said i HURT HIM💀💀
I call my narcissist brother baby Huey, he is 6’5” and throws adult tantrums frequently, especially when he doesn’t get his way, he has the mentality of a 10 yr old, yet completely terrifying when he is angry
@@len1045678 whenever you have to confront a narc over their behavior they always turn to the “you’re so cruel” “you’re a bully” because you try to speak to them as an adult, they have a child’s coping ability. And they can convince others that you are a bully that’s the scariest part, when all you’ve tried to do is communicate with them
This type of person sounds like a victim of narcissist who doesn’t trust people and has learned the s**t from the narc. Propably the one that would benefit from therapy out of all of them most. But what I also think, is that any type of narcissist can also be vulnerable narc and any other type, they can change their role.
I like your observation. I have often wondered if these baffling n's are the children of n's who have tried to change their "guidelines" in order to be less obvious and less outwardly ugly.
@@xiphocostal that's what I thought too.. my mother in law is a narcisist and my bf has some traits and during a fight he ganged up against me with his mom when he was mad and started saying I said things I really dont remember saying.. He wouldnt do that on his own when we were arguing..
this description parallels the behaviors of a survivor of narc abuse.... especially one that has suffered through a smear campaign that worked. ( love your work by the way - thank you for sharing )
25 year relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Married him 2 times. He was so difficult to understand until i educated myself with these videos. Thank God for Dr Carter ! I know Im not crazy. He would fit every one of these 12 points. I finally realized something was terribly wrong.
@@rpmcmurphey927 After a serious time of a love bombing phase He agreed to go to counseling. After a time in which I began to see him change (so I thought) I began seeing him again. I even had the counselor call me telling me that she thought he was sincere in wanting to change and that she felt he really did love me. I told her she didnt know him well enough to say that. But after sometime I decided to go back to him. Even my pastor suggested that I should go back to him. At the time I knew nothing about narcissism had no idea of the cycles they go thru. Believe me when I say it is a long story, but this is the short version.
I've listened to other posts about narcissists and this one fits my husband to a T. He's so passive-aggressive and withdrawn that nobody picks up on it. But he sure rules our household and god forbid I make a decision on my own. Wow.
I ran into this. What tipped me off was that i felt the same bad feelings of being the problem, being emotionally activated, that i felt w my overt narc parents. If you are ALWAYS the problem and they are always perfectly innocent it's a narcissist.
I did not find out my only sister is vulnerable narcissist until death of our parents when she was not stepping up to help, passive aggressive and dumping her issues on me. So not only did I lose my parents but the sister I thought I had.
Cynthia Darr I am so sorry to hear that. Grieving the loss of who you thought the narcissist was is hard enough much less when they’re family much less with your parents recently departed. 💓💞 my heart goes out to you, and your power in speaking your truth.
Maybe she had been told nasty things by them. That is happening to me ,but I still go see my mum. I am 56 ,my mum 89 on a wheelchair and the other day I approached her to say something sweet, she sad: ' go away don't want you to bother me anymore (very aware) It was very hurtful. I am very confused about my mum and siblings. Well,I don't know your story with your sister.With my sister it's difficult. I am all alone in this.My father lived alone. As well as my eldest brother. This is so tough. I wish I had had a close and healthy family.
Ugggggghhh...I knew a covert/vulnerable narccissist. This fits him to a "t". The emotional delicateness and underhanded smugness ...that's him. They are the WORST bc they disarm you by making you feel sorry for them because they're so pathetic. But then the ugliness comes out when you least expect it. They make me sick 🤮
Reminds me of my mom but in reality the significant relationships I chose were much the same. They would waver between grandiose and vulnerable but The hard part is they see your response to their constant negativity (discard mode) as a mirror and when you finally cant take it any more and cut them off they project YOU as the vulnerable narcissist and tell others YOU did to them what THEY did to you . Yep. My ex narc tells my daughter he’s too “scared” to talk to me when there is nothing scarier than what he did to me.
I see a lot of this in myself. I do self sabotage, but I do feel happy for others. I'm trying to heal my negative core beliefs and heal childhood traumas.
This was very good. I’d thought I was dealing with a covert narcissist but that wasn’t it. I’ve been dealing with a ‘Vulnerable Narcissist’. Thank you for giving me this clarity. And no, it’s not easy to live with a VN.
When they shame you for your “negative” emotions and expect you to comfort them through theirs...
That’s my mother! She’s an emotional wreck 24/7 and constantly needs me to be there for her, constantly complains and nags... but if I have a bad day and need to vent or am struggling emotionally she gets angry at me
@Serpentine Sword oh, how I relate!!
Yes!!
Yup.
Thats so true...so true
The tell tell sign of any narcissist is putting their needs above everyone else at all times
@@brandyoctober5923 Thank you. This was it. Basically she put her needs above mine at every turn without a though of how it would impact me.
Same
Well, you don't know that yet when they're using their self-serving empathy to try to reel you in. But after some point, you start seeing it
You usually feel worse after you've spent time with them. Also they misunderstand things you say and when you try to explain they've already moved on.
Yet hold it against you for ever
1. very emotionally delicate
2. highly critical of others
3. quiet smugness
4. constant need for reassurance
5. passive aggressive
6. deep shut downs
7. victim mentality
8. poor listening skills
9. drain emotional energy in a social situation
10. cynical regarding other's successes
12. self-sabotage
But very good listening skills in the beginning, when they're love bombing/drawing you in and also figuring out what makes you tick (so they know best how to control you).
Exactly my brother K - always offended
Just a BORE for 66 years!!!!!
My husband has them all
@@speedskater5613 me too. I’m financially dependent on him and he’s scares me. I don’t know how to get out of this relationship.
@@_anon_4532 call a domestic violence hot line. They will create a plan and provide undisclosed shelter so you can leave. Don't say you're going to - just Leave.
The worst part is the multiple personality part. They can be very fun and pleasant among more surface level friends and coworkers, but they can be completely different and cold-hearted towards their family members.
Yesss (:
You just described my mother... to a T. Pleasant and loving to outsiders, and then mean and hateful to her kids.
@@heather9165 Sad to hear this. Can I add another nuance? How about never willing by to admit how crappy she treated the kids -- usually never discussed, but if it came up, the denials / rationalizations flowed like water during a flood. These people are broken at a level below their ability to manage it. Once I keyed in on these dynamics, I see these traits in a whole lot of people. The gist of the Bible is that God is in the process of recreating His Character of Care-for-Others-Equal-to-Self, but what we see around us is the manifestation of the exact opposite, even if cleverly masqueraded. Read the fruits of God's Spirit, and them reverse them. What results is a very concise description of narcissism as we see it today.
You likely know this, but it wasn't you. Your subconscious might not fully get this, though. It was almost certainly that her children represented a *stressor* in her life, and her sympathetic nervous system was so upregulated that she lost control.
This environment is very stressful. The body goes through metabolic changes when under chronic stress. I **highly** recommend you look up "Morley Robbins" and learn what he reveals about these nutrient dynamics. The easiest thing to do is to stop eating iron fortified processed food, but that's just the beginning. His program is given away freely.
@@heather9165 My father is the same. I dont see him much.
They're SO much fun with surface level friends. And they seem so giving and kind.. it's only later you realize all those gifts were 100% transactional and designed solely to cement your loyalty and create a sense of guilt and obligation toward them.
Perfect description of my wife. The rollercoaster ride has become boring and disgustingly predictable. I used to crave a real conversation with her. Constantly wondering why I cant actually connect on an emotional level. everything is fake and false. dry and impersonal. for the longest I thought it was me, right up until our kids were old enough to communicate and express feelings. I love my babies. She hates that I adore our children. My son watches your videos, you have improved our lives immeasurably.
THANK YOU!
I am sorry to hear it. I hate it when a spouse COMPETES with their own children for time, attention and resources. The worst of both worlds, single parenting but supporting and stuck with a spouse so you can't go out and seek a real partner in life. Watch out though. Such a person lies easily when it suits him or her. The most outrageous things will come out of her mouth if it suits her.
The fact that it's not your spouse who watches the videos says it all...
Congratulations for raising your kids well balanced among the obstacles. 💯💘🍀🌠🏆
That's one the worst partners you can get...
My husband as well ❤️🩹 very smart kid❤️
I am glad you have found some help here and I hope you can find an effective and understanding therapist. Even when the problem is with the other person there may be ways you can optimize your relationship. All the best to you🙏
They have to be the one who suffers the most. No one ever has it worse than them. You could be in a hospital bed dying of cancer and they will sit there and moan about their rotten life. It's like they are in a competition with you, like the "Pain Olympics" or something.
Oh my God, you seriously just described EXACTLY what happened whit my mother and me! I actually DID have cancer a few years ago ay the age of 37 (thyroid, and it almost killed me twice before anyone even knew I had a thryoid problem, let alone cancer of it) and she is a nurse who's never had cancer, but BY GOD, don't you know that her broken shoulder was WAY worse? Yep, that's her alright... Woe is me! Also too, I learned from my own aunt and uncles and even grown son that she lied about being raped at 10 years old to compete with me, because I really was raped at 4 years old.... I died at birth from failure to thrive and being born 6 weeks early. In my case, failure to thrive was from me dying from a literal lack of love. This is why I am very grateful to God for the experience He gave me in Jesus in Heaven. My father was extremely abusive to her, and she was extremely abusive to me. I don't understand this.... I love my children with EVERYTHING I GOT, and I cant understand how you can do this to your own child? 😢😢 this isn't woe is me either, it just astounds me that this is what I was subjected to my whole life... Now it makes sense why she's distant with me right now as I try and repair my 25 year marriage. I wonder about my husband too sometimes because of things we've been though ( he was abusive to me in the past), but then begin to think its me that's the narc for even thinking that because I'm no angel in life either.... I am so confused!
@@flamingsword777 Hugs to you... Narcissists love to keep you confused. But if you are learning about this stuff, you are already sorting it out.
@@DeborahLArmstrongthank you so much for responding to me and yes ma'am, i sure am trying! Hugs back to you and I am saying a special prayer for you too! God BLESS you! Are you SURE I'm not a narcissist? I know I have attachment, codependency and abandonment issues too, but the abandonment and attachment issues seem to be dissolving with The Lord's Help?
@@DeborahLArmstrong you so don't have to answer me ma'am, I am just thinking out loud, lol...
@@flamingsword777 I don't know you in person, so I cannot say if you are a narcissist. But generally, if you are even asking yourself that question, it's likely that you are not. Narcissists don't ever self-reflect, so they wouldn't even ask themselves that question.
This is spot on! What is really scary is the vulnerable narcissist who is also able to turn this behaviour on and off at will, appearing charming when it serves their purposes.
@@mindylehrman6471 sounds like what I went through and still going through! It's so damn hard because I actually really love him and we do have lots in common. He's in South Africa and says he wants me to go and be/live with him. I visited him 2 years ago and it was lovely, I have to say that, it was. I'd be making a huge sacrifice and giving up everything I know and the thought of doing that is very scary and hurts. I love his Jekyll character, I wish he was like that all the time but he isn't. His behaviour and treatment of me at times has been awful - even at a distance ( I'm in UK) he can be so controlling and manipulative at times, he does display the covert/vulnerable narcissist traits. This is so unbelievably hard for me - I hate it. I actually did walk away 4 weeks ago - no contact.......it was really tough......then we spoke recently.....not a good idea but it happened. Heart and head doing battle right now. I know what he is at times but I think I will always love him. Call me stupid, I probably am.
Mindy Lehrman me too!!
@@rachelbrough8160 I'm sure you deserve better. I'm sure there's some nice non-controlling, non-manipulative man in the UK who would love you and treat you with the respect. Firstly, respect yourself. Don't allow yourself to be mis-treated. Grey rock!!!
@@rachelbrough8160 please dont pack up u life for this. Take time. Do u really want this. When u in SA the evil comes out. My lesson learned.
Two words: My Mother
They just can't bear to see other people happy.
I like how Dr. Carter often ends his videos by suggesting things we can work on in ourselves. It's so easy to sit in judgment and think, "Well, I'm not a narcissist, so I'm ok," but we all have things we can work on.
The Bible tells us how EVERYBODY is a sinner and needs Gods forgiveness. *John **5:24* 🙏
Describing a difficulty is not the same as judgment. I'm hoping that for each of us, increased awareness becomes an opportunity for self examination. Dr. C
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER Forgiving someone doesn't mean turning the other cheek so that they can continue abusing you. Not in my 'book'. If it helps you to move on and out of the narc's life then, yes, forgive.
Yes, I recognized some of these tendencies in myself. So, it's alarming and I want to work on it.
@@patsig7632 You need *GODs forgiveness* first (that's what I'm talking about) to be able to forgive others anyway. It is vital to accept you're a sinner just like them. This has nothing to do with abuse but it's in the 'book'.
They will hold on to grudges until they need that person for something again. Then they call them up out of the blue and expect that person to do their bidding. Really odd behavior.
Yeah, that's the most confusing part about them. First they say how horrible and unloveable you are, but the moment they want something from you, they start saying how much they cherish you. I tried to figure my mom out for so many years and always reached a dead end. I'm so relieved to know I'm not alone and that this is actually a form of narcissism.
Exactly! You're right.
Mine asked her friend, Lynn, to come help her, then after "Lynn" is gone, talks smack about her behind her back. I told her (the narc) she's nothing but a coward. If she can say to Lynn the things she says behind her back, I'd believe her more often. But she never will.
@@serenasmuckers9310 Yeah, they're two-faced. I see a few of them at work. They are just as arrogant as overt ones and only seem to warm up to the ones with status. Sometimes they'll talk smack about others behind their backs. One thing I often noticed at work and when I was at school is the ones who are toxic and controlling will start crowding around newcomers and try to influence and brainwash them against adversaries with the triangulation. They'll let new people move up to be above me by training them more on certain skills even though I was there longer than them.
@@pamwhitehouse5961 that's awful. Sometimes, though, it's simpler. They go after the new people at school, because halfway through the first semester, everyone knows they're full of shit, and they need supply. They go after the Fresh meat.
I’m an artist. It’s what I do. My husband constantly tells me the parts he doesn’t like and what he would do to “fix” my obvious mistakes. And he is NOT an artist. It’s made me doubt my God given talent for 13 years. This is my second night of freedom. 🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉
Good luck to you. My wife is very artistic, so I get your drift. We need creative people. Keep leaning forward! Dr. C
I’m an artist too, and it’s all kinds of frustrating to get uncalled for input about your work from a spouse or love partner that : one- doesn’t seem to care about your work; and two: hardly has a creative bone in their body 😮
@@djbrelinski yayyyyy ! Keep going
I am so happy for you. I’m sure he had some good qualities, but those negative ones drown out the good ones. The negative qualities are intended to cause you discomfort, embarrass you, goad you, belittle you, etcetera. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Let them go their miserable way, if you can. If you cannot learn how to manipulate them! Lots of good information on manipulation of narcissist people.
raised by one - this is a cinch!
1) gossips & snoops
2) backstabs/triangulates - communication is always indirect
3) critical
4) manipulative
5) martyr/victim complex - seeks sympathy, not empathy
6) extremely emotionally immature
7) envious of other women (or men but they're usually women, no?)
8) belittling
9) enamoured with celebrities & fame
10) "faultless"/blameless
11) shallow/vain
12) morbid/sadistic ie schadenfreude
13) contemptuous, petty, indifferent (added extras for good luck)
She McGee, I see you've met my mother and sister! 😊
My father is all of these. Of women: not a particularly attractive looking piece. Of men: he could have been a movie star / model, or no comment.
You are spot on. I met one in particular, a man. Utterly vile! So scary. Had a couple of sister's the same. "Had" because i went no contact. Best decision ever made. You know this type fully well, with every point spot on.
Wow, totally on point!
These individuals are creepy. They appear harmless until they snap. Then the lying, manipulation, self pity & vicious rage comes out. Wolf in sheep's clothing is right!
I'm currently cutting ties with a close friend who checks every box on this list. They are SO emotionally manipultive. I'm putting my foot down. No more!
The same with me..
A disgusting metamorphosis took place in a close friend I trusted for years, when I said: 'I dont want you to talk about my privacy in the company of others'. She became from a 'close friend' all of a sudden the greatest victim. Denied everything, didnt remember anything, she said fake sorrys and ran to these others to get confirmation from them, huh? Yes! When my trust is damaged I take myself seriously and there is no going back for some fake sorrys anymore. I went no contact. Again a injury to her..Since than she is pure slandering me behind my back to everyone I know, ugh!
Even my expartner with whom I get along well now and have a child with, just to sow discord between us. Really ugly they are! I hope you never experience this. Take good care!👋💪
The description fits my older sister perfectly. A lifetime of abuse from her. Recently, I simply quit talking to her. It's sad, but a huge relief.
Stick to it, it's the only way and so worth it. You have to totally cut them off.👍👍👍
Good for you and congratulations! You deserve better. I ended a friendship last spring after we had a falling out and she verbally abused me for the last time. She wants us to be friends again but I decided back then that I was done.
@@kaymuldoon3575 Good for you, you deserve better friends.
"you don't need to alter your personality or your style just to appease this sulking person on the side" - love it
Enjoy you and live your life around them, while they having their temper tantrums age 5. 😆 but human age 58.
@@violajoseph8549 Except that my vulnerable narc is being mentored by a Malignant narc to listen in on conversations and complain. That's where she beomes toxic
It's interesting how many traits a vulnerable narcissist shares with borderline personality disorder.
Well mine was a narcissist and also hit himself in the face many times
@Nolan Grady yikes, I'm sisorry for you
I’m trying to figure out which one I have lol. I’m not sure if I have BPD or if I’m a vulnerable narcissist.
@@pjoy8257 Yes, of course. Cluster B personality disorders are frequently comorbid with each other
Wow, what an interesting insight! I have been drawn to both in my past.
Spot on. As Always. The saddest thing about them is their inability to be happy for someone else 😔
They also cannot be happy with themselves. That's why they can't share in anyone else's joy.
@@candacecasey5634 Yes, so true. Even when they have all the comforts they are still unhappy.
My mother, sad indeed.
@I I I feel you! I’ve had similar guilt most of my life and am finally working through it now that I understand what I grew up with (other than just always thinking and calling her “mean old mom”) and how it adversely affected me and my brother, who sadly drank himself to death after a miserably tortured life of low self worth, anxiety and a string of toxic, broken relationships. My mother’s mother was also narcissistic and my mother had a hard time growing up in that environment as well. But, our mothers are responsible adults and could have done things differently, especially since they struggled with their own mothers and presumably would have liked to do better with their own children. Most people are not all good or all bad, which makes this tough, also because of the shame cast on us for not having only loving feelings for our mothers. I think it’s the most complex and important relationship there is and they messed it up. To me, the goal is to see reality as it is and take care of ourselves emotionally first, as wasn’t done by our mothers. My mother was only dutiful and perfunctory with me, so that is how I’ve chosen to be with her, and I continue to grieve what never was but which I needed and wanted. Best of luck and blessings on your healing journey. 💜
@I I I really relate to everything you said too and am sorry for you and your brother. Bitterness comes to mind as I know my brother was very bitter and I still am too. Yes, the physical needs were taken care of, but not the emotional and therefore they only did part of the job while messing up the other part massively. My mother is a child too. People who are so wounded and immature and didn’t do their inner work have no business having kids because the kids will most likely suffer immensely and undeservedly for not getting the love, nurturing, emotional support or approval they need and therefore continue to seek it in one way or another forever, often unhealthily and unsuccessfully. Cognitive dissonance is a great phrase to describe it and I feel that too. It’s very hard to hold all the conflicting feelings at once, I say that all the time. It feels all-consuming and I wish it would go away. Prayers for all of us. I hope you and your brother have a good relationship and can help one another understand and heal. My brother and I were estranged our whole lives and we dealt with it all individually unfortunately. 💜
I think it’s important to differentiate between covert narcissism and Complex PTSD or autism spectrum disorders which can potentially have similar symptoms. The big difference is the empathy factor and willingness to get healthy / better.
I was told for years I had “BPD” which was actually C-PTSD and undiagnosed Aspergers. I often worry I am actually a narcissist because I have some symptoms but I realize how many years I’ve tried to get help and keep working on myself.
How are you doing?
BPD is not narcissism. BPD differs from narcissism in many ways, one of them is that people BPD have empathy.
@@AA-iy4gm Unless it is co-morbid with antisocial pd. or npd.
I know I have CPTSD. I have all these different kinds of narcissist personality people. They are almost all the people that have my phone number in their phone.
I'm probably safe to go out & about now. 😅
@@AA-iy4gmone can use empathy in a malicious way. This is what they do. They hurt people with knowing how it hurts
This is SO spot on. My ex wife. Well, this and the alcoholism and food addiction. No wonder I was miserable. It’s impossible to have a rational conversation with these people. And if you try to discuss your feelings/needs, forget about it.
Jon, funny you should bring up addiction. Mines addicted to her computer. 10+ hours a day. She goes into withdrawal if I tell her to turn it off. Electronics addiction is real... There are 7 clinics that deal with it in Dallas.
I see the alcohol and food abuse not as problems in themselves, but as symptoms. Deal with the root problems and you will be less and less interested in abusing yourself through alcohol and overeating.
Also though, realize, alcohol and overeating are hand in hand biology problems. If you don’t drink so much, you will more than likely also not overeat.
Addiction can also include workaholic. It's used y9 avoid home life and normal situations while gaining sympathy for Having to work so hard and gaining sympathy for that as well.
So true...give upon rational conversation. Let go of trying to communicate your own emotions vulnerabilities and needs. The wasted effort only drains and disappoints you
some say the bigger they come the harder they fall. i think that's why they can't admit their own mistakes.
It’s like describing my husband. Today is a bad day. Didn’t know what offended him. Suddenly I get a cold shoulder, silent treatment, glum and sulky face. Like a five year old having a tantrum. They jump to some conclusion without any discussion and suddenly you are guilty as charged. Countless times my words have been misconstrued and used against me. I usually wonder if he even understands basic communication.
He is emotionally abusing you. This isn't normal behavior or "just how men are.". I hope you find a way to leave and find a partner who doesn't use these behaviours to control you and the whole environment around you with his narcissistic mood swings. You deserve and can have better - I've been there, I promise he's not worth it.
@Nunya Biznes I appreciate you taking the time to write here. And I'm sorry you and your partner have communication issues. That's not the crux of what we are discussing here though; silent treatment is, forgive me, an inadequate/immature form of conflict resolution/avoidance which some people like yourself resort to at times. It's not healthy but neither is drinking and people still do it. What we are talking about is when it is weaponized by a narcissist it becomes a tool to abuse and emotionally control the partner. It makes them insecure and starved for assurance and acceptance, which is what keeps the co dependent partner always worried about their emotional security in the relationship. It is a very hurtful and harmful tactic that causes emotional trauma and health issues for the person on the receiving end. It's not to be made light of, which I don't think you're doing of course. I wish you well in your relationship and I can assure you what you do isn't part of this discussion so not to worry. Just focus on communicating better with your partner in times of stress. Use your words and don't retreat.
@@Moderca you are spot on, she describes my ex husband, I put up with the childish silent treatment for 28 yrs, I didn't know about narcs until a yr after splitting. I always made excuses for his behavior to myself and basically that means I wasn't authentic in my marriage. Never again will I be manipulated and controlled by the silent treatment, it just isn't mature or acceptable behavior.
@@Moderca I am curious as to how you say that he is abusing her emotionally? You have such little information and its one sided, I get what the silent treatment can be, but silence can also be used when it feels like you are talking to a wall, you eventually give up and the person may feel it is the silent treatment, but it might not be. Like some people are very good at twisting everything to their own favor and beating you down with it, eventually the person learns it is better to not even talk? I am not saying that is how it is HERE, I don't know, but not everyone is as innocent as they may believe.
It’s all about sucking you into their rabbit hole. Was married to a narc for years. His silent treatments were legendary. Twisting what you say is also a classic narc trait. It’s all used to make you lesser...and to have you scrambling to figure out what YOU did wrong. It’s really quite sick and twisted.
I am a vulnerable narcissist and have BPD. I over-analyze myself and shift from hating myself to hating everyone. I am consciously working on becoming more open and honest with myself and others, and I am learning to accept myself as well as other people. Ultimately, I want to improve, and leave this world a better place than the way I found it.
Thanks for your comments...keep learning! Dr. C
I realize you posted this 2 years ago but I was wondering how your journey has been for you. I have people I love and worry about with narcissism, BPD and BP2. It’s almost impossible for anyone to accept therapy. (Except me! lol) You are very unusual and you should be proud of yourself. It’s always difficult to ask for help and to step out of or mental comfort zones!
Dr. C OMG!!! You described my life to the “T”. They play nice and nasty with you which often times have you confused. They breadcrumb you they gaslight you they play this superiority persona with you making you question your ability to reason. They are passive aggressive they withhold affection from you they withhold affirmations from you but on the outside people think that they are so wonderful. This relationship is mentally and physically draining. Sir, God bless you.🙏💕
I find that they seek help and when you try to assist them, they turn on you. You soon find that you need to listen , but understand that somehow they need to get to a place where they decide what to do. It is often a no win. A drowning man pulling you down, as you try to help.
@Marie Rose, the seeking help is just a tool to real you in, addressing our helper instinct, kindness, empathy. While in the emotional mode of being concerned and wanting to help, your rational mind is blocked and you no longer pay attention to the things your logic would tell you are off. Oldest sales trick in the word: talk to the emotiones, then they can't think clearly.
For 50 years my sister's battle cry was: _"Cendy, you must help me, because of .... (lies about her husbands).... I'm so exhausted that I can't do anything at all anymore."_ Because of my empathy and false sense of duty and responsibility, she got me every dog on time. With the result of her exploiting me to the max for weeks and months. While I worked full time and had to take care of my own family, she sat at my house with first one, later three children, had me run her errands, ate my food, used my electricity, heat, water, etc., saving her money. While I took care of them and had not 4, but 8 people to haul groceries and cook for, their dirt to clean, clothes to wash, etc., she sat on her lazy butt, doing absolutely nothing but smoke cigarettes and drink coffee all day long, figuring out who did what to her and how she will revenge herself, concocting lies about everyone and rewriting history. And when I came home from work after a long day, instead of being able to relax, she bombarded me with her negativity and lies. While she vacationed at my expense, the more exhausted I got, the worse got her insults and rudeness. Despite erroneously thinking she needs my help, the right thing to do would've been to throw her out at the first deragotary remark; helplessness does not equate a get-out-of-jail-free card for nastyness.
The last time she tried to pull that stunt, 4 months before I had open heart surgery, after the litany of how bad she has it, I told her: _"You know how ill I am, I won't risk my life to drive the hundreds of miles to get you out of the mess you've created. This time you'll have to help yourself, like I had to, despite the troubles you and others caused me and the boulders you and them put in my way."_ Silence, she must've been shocked over her stunt not working like it did for decades, so I said good bye and put down the telephone. Two hours later she called back, trying to appologize, it all wasn't meant that way (gaslighting), sounded worse than it actually is (more gaslighting), blah blah. So I told her straight out that she said exactly what she wanted to say, because for 50 years it worked. Again silence, and I said good bye.
@@cendyd.7106 Yes, the abuse ( lying, gaslighting, mocking etc) comes along with the cries for help. Like you, 24 hours a day was not enough hours to have, to fit in all that I did out of love, but they did not show me the love and respect back. Their exploitation had no bounds. I now love them from afar.
@@marierose6792 the Bible tells me, I don't have to love evil people. Matter of factly, even Yahuah (God) hates what they're doing, eventually even He goes no contact with them, those are called reprobates, the unredeamable ones. "Love your brother" pertains to believers only, to people who want to do right, God's children. An abuser is never one of God's children, regardless of what they claim. They're not my kind of people and have squandered my love for them. I've totally emotionally distanced myself from them, all they are is people I used to know, no emotion involved, neither love, nor anger, as if they're strangers just walking by.
@@cendyd.7106 Thank you.
@@marierose6792 No, do not fall for the "cries for help", most likely they are manipulative and not real.
I went out with a vulnerable narcissist. Never have I had to walk on eggshells this much. Their silence is incredibly cruel, and they will never admit the harm they do. If a smallest thing is not to their liking they will just walk out without communicating and leave you worried and confused, not even knowing what you did wrong. I’m so glad I ended it but the damage they did was very deep.
@iako gegechkori I’m sorry this is happening to you. What I mean by their silence is cruel, is that it feels like they’re constantly punishing you with their silence, and you’re never sure why. A healthy relationship requires communication, and you can’t communicate if someone is freezing you out all the time. No matter how much empathy and understanding I had for them, they’d get angry with me if I tried to communicate, or simply just leave and never explain why they’re even upset. You should not feel constantly confused in a relationship, you should feel loved and safe. You are worthy of a healthy and mutually respectful relationship. Sending a big hug!
@@caroline378 you're spot on. This is my mother. It's water off a ducks back with my father an overt narc with aspects of autism spectrum on top. Me the sensitive empathetic one, it cuts me to the core. The most emotionally cruel hot to freezing cold ppl are vuln narcs. They expect you to be a mind reader of their thoughts and feelings but show total disdain for how others feel.
Yeah, my mother was quick to sing the praises of the the dumb saying, "Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me". Ah, WRONG!
I just experienced this…totally shut down and silence. Then purposely doing things to “punish”…wanting to text but then went I’d engage he would just stop responding, purposely ignoring messages etc…The worst experience of my life.
Kings (or Queens) of Silent Treatment.
"Don't poke the bear." Walking on eggshells constantly. ALWAYS passive aggressive. Good at self destructive behavior. Never 4get! 🥺
😄 My dad always says that about my step mother when she's asleep during the day. "Don't wake up the bear!" Lol
It actually told me it doesn't do the passive aggressive thing very well, he was an expert at it
My Dad always said that about himself. "Poking the bear" was.....asking/reminding him to do things he was supposed to do
I cant talk about anything- literally anything- around my FMIL because she will butt into the conversation with an argument about how im wrong ect. ect. She cant take jokes, says mean shit, and then gets the woe is me syndrome when you point out how shes being.
I am in awe. I just got out of a 4 year relationship and this is 100% spot on. It was so so hard to leave and I’ve often felt embarrassed about just how hard it was to get away but this makes me feel so validated in the struggling. This was the same guy who could, in less than a month after my mom dying very suddenly to extremely fast moving cancer, was telling me that I wasn’t showing up for him the way I should. At the time I was 24, and his “empathy” lasted only about 3 weeks. I am so so happy to be free ☺️
I'm sorry about your mom. Sure she'd be glad you are free. I lost my mom 3 years ago also, to surprise cancer that took her in 3 months. Even so, I can't imagine only having one month to say goodbye and you are so young... grief... it's a lonely thing when you're in relationship with a narcissist.
I've been thinking, I too should move on and live a better life, to honor my mom's memory. I hope you're in a much happier healthy place now. Take care.
I’m sorry about your Mom, too. I’m trying to get out of a 2yr relationship with someone who I am now realizing is absolutely a narcissist. I’m embarrassed, too, because I’m a therapist and I even fell for it. We helpers are easy targets. And he’s disabled so the needing and deserving attention and entitlement is amplified.
This posting made me realize my ex MIL died and my narc said"why do you care?" (My daughter grandmother was a huge part of her life) I then was told he couldn't handle his friend crying over their friend killing himself.... he was annoyed ...I dumped him after giving him hell and yelling at him .he won't be back
I am where you were, a little over 4 years in now, and I'm trying to plan my exit. it is so hard, I don't know why, but I know this is not healthy. I literally have so much documented just to refer back to, to keep my sanity, because everything always ends up being my fault! Thank goodness you got out!!!
Literally same boat, I didn't know she was a vulnerable narcissist until recently, quite a while after leaving the relationship. One of my best friends died, and while I was traveling, a single weekend mind you, for his funeral, she called me and we had an extremely long conversation about how she felt like I was ignoring her and just having fun with my friends and taking the opportunity to ignore her. Meanwhile I was literally at a funeral, spending a tiny amount of time with people who also loved my friend, GRIEVING. Any time I was traveling (only for a weekend or so at a time for work, albeit joyful and fun work), she would bombard me with her feelings that I was having fun without her and she was so bitter and jealous. Then she would swing to guilty for having those feelings, and it would become my job to VALIDATE those feelings to her as well as validate her decision to tell me about them while I was trying to focus on my work trip. Those were the only times she couldn't dictate my schedule for me while forcing me to act as if her dictation of my schedule (revolving around her) was my idea so she could feel reassured.
They only engage when it’s someone they want to impress or that they are attracted to. They will sit pouting or just staring and act like saying a single word is sooooo difficult but the moment they see that girl/guy they are into they will light up and try to show off etc. Then go right back to being a lump of dull negative energy the moment their potential supply is gone. It’s so creepy.
I guess. 🤦🏽♀️🤷♀️ Maybe they just like the person they are with. I don’t like being around people and feel grumpy around them but when I’m around my boyfriend I feel happy but without him I’m sad then their are other times where I want to hang out with people other then him. Some people I like others I dislike. It’s not all black and white
@@mariahconklin4150 it’s different with Narcs. If u haven’t been with one it’s hard to understand. It’s not black and white for most of us but narcs view and behave in very black and white thinking and behaviors.
Man, this is the most accurate thing ever
On point . Have experienced this sooo many times .n I was labeled as jealous,insecure, psycho n narrow.minded . Well, time proved me right . They r the biggest hypocrites
“Lump of negative energy”, perfect description!
They always stab you in the back
They Talk Shit about you to your Children.They Talk about you to Anyone who will listen.
They Are Not Worth the Effort.
Its been 17 years
I am the child of a covert narcissistic mother and an overt narcissistic father. Life's been pretty tough and its still holding me back in many ways after decades. And I see some of these traits in me and find it enormously difficult to overcome
I can relate to your situation almost down to a T. The difference between you and them is that you are aware of your flaws and want to try overcome them (even if it's difficult). I wish you the best of luck
I feel you and am in the same situation. Didn't see the covert/vulnerable one until after the overt one died. I miss the overt one. He was more honest and easier to spot.
I love blasting these videos on high volume so that the narcissists can hear them
Tried that one night in July after he’d told me he’d be moving out soon. I’d begun unmasking him and challenging his emotional and verbal abuse, so he was done. Final discard. One of our last nights living together I put a narcissist video on UA-cam and he came running out of the bedroom and chased me up the stairs shrieking and enraged. It was the only time he ever physically scared me in nearly three years. I’m so glad he’s gone.
@@roseglasses1
I tried that a while back he watched it 5 minutes and said everything he said was you in a childlike way. It was shocking!!!
@@Ratgirl2 they’re in an altered state of reality. It’s how they exist, perpetually. And they try to drag us into this altered reality right along with them. It works for a time. I thought I was literally going crazy. Almost three months with his shrieking over reacting dominating bullying ass gone and I’m thriving. Not a sip of alcohol. He used to make me want to hide in my bedroom occasionally-from big fights- and numb. And then he’d use my traumatized reaction to him against me. They’re evil creatures.
1. Very emotionally delicate. Very sensitive.
2. They can be highly critical, inwardly, under the radar. Covertly. "I'm gonna find flaws in you and then reject you so it won't hurt as bad when you reject me."
3. Quiet smugness. Having disdain. In their smugness, "I'm so glad I'm not like you." They want to belong.
4. Constant need of reassurance. Vacillate between isolation & needing affirmation.
5. They have a major tendency toward passive aggressiveness. Poor attitude toward open communication. Very quiet about it to where you wonder, are you mad at me?
6. Into Sulking. They GHOST you!!!
7. They have a strong victim mentality. The whole world sucks! No one understands me! Pessimism. Victim mentality.
8. VERY POOR LISTENING SKILLS! Always interrupt. Bring convos back to themselves. Poor capacity to join on heart level.
9. Suck the emotional energy out of the room. Walk on eggshells around them.
10. They can be very cubicle regarding others successes or gratifying experiences.
11. Self sabotage!! They don't live into their potential. Difficulty accepting compliments.
12. Have a tendency to hold onto grudges for a LONG time. Hidden superiority.
I admit I have a lot of these traits, I do my best to better myself and I hold a lot of these feelings inwardly.. I am sorry you have had bad experiences with such individuals.. wishing you the best :)
He loves to report people to a higher authority, rat them out. State board of pharmacy, inspector general, district attorney, etc, to damage and get revenge on those that he perceived did wrong or slighted him. He loves punishing like some avenging angel.
@@karlachancellor4072 my ex. Always calling the division manager or headquarters to complain and get free stuff from them
"As if you have done it". "Good, I am not like you". I don't want to share it with you". "Why do you think it's wrong?" , "I never said it". " " I never did it".
Often comorbid issues, like paranoid personality disorder. Which isnt useful, because it increases "the you done me wrong" attitude. Underlying current of anger. They can be angry for years. They are not team players.
Yes, you're onto it. Within the next couple of weeks I'll be posting about paranoia as the foundation for narcissism. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism looking forward to this. Married to a VN.
The most disturbing aspect of this in my experience is the lying. Once they have something on you, they’ll tell a tall tale about it, which will become greater and greater over time. If you owe them ten dollars, even if you paid them back, it will be a hundred, then a thousand, and that they were supporting you, that you wouldn’t have survived without them over time.
@Inacrunch 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@Inacrunch that sounds horrible tbh. Why be in a relationship with someone who feels no real love for you and you have to manipulate to get them to act decent. That sounds like pure hell.
One time at a family gathering I had a panic attack and had to go outside to get some air. As I was trying to calm down, my dad came out and I was surprised that he wanted to check on me until he said "how do you think I feel that you can't sit there with me" then walked away leaving me feeling guilty for something I couldn't control. As always, he made it all about himself and his feelings. Amazingly selfish
That's so terrible! Wishing you well
This explains everything. They're also liars, 100% untrustworthy and adept at making excuses for their evil ways.
Yes. Tonight, I stopped him mid sentence and told him we both knew he was lying and I wasn't willing to waste anymore time listening to his lies, shut the door and walked away. That's certainly not the first time. It's endless. POS.
Mine hid pornography use and bikini baristas that doubled as prostitutes for 26 years. It takes someone without guilt to do that.
ALL types of narcissists are liars... that was my first clue to understanding one of my coworkers was a narcissist. I've known 3 personally and they all lied constantly. It's not just that they lie, they lie to the point of ridiculousness; hard to describe.
They will steal as well. My sister sold her house to my mother for $5000 (as is, no realtors per her manuevering) over ask. Acutally, she listed the house for $114,000 in Spring. It did not sell bc it was already overpriced. By late Summer, she decreased the price to $109,000. The house sat on the market. She manipulated my mother into moving and buying it, selling it for $114,000 in the Fall.
My dad, quiet but a narcissist. He is sensitive, hypercritical, condescending and easily angered but keeps his emotions hidden until they build up..then he explodes like an atom bomb. He is terrifying when this happens. I had to keep him from killing himself when I was a kid when he blew up. Mom (a high level diagnosed narc) just stood and screamed. I had to stay calm and talk him out of it. He spent his life feeling sorry for himself/playing the victim (mom victimized him) and being very stubborn/cold/distant. He had a sweet side but that disappeared with age. Now he seethes with anger and hatred when he doesn't like an opinion or doesn't get his way. He hates my successes and loves criticizing them. I used to love him but that love evaporated by being the target of hate and being threatened for having boundaries.
Carolyn McFann I hope that you’re able to limit your contact with that toxicity.
Hugs, Carolyn! All of that sounds really painful, but especially feeling the responsibility to keep him from killing himself as child. And that wasn't even talking about the diagnosed narc in your life.
Did your dad by chance have me as a daughter too? Because it sounds like we have the same dad🤣
Greetings sister, sorry this is so long but.... I myself have been in the same situation since childhood.. Over time I'd fall for the bait and argue back or get on their level.. I realized that only fueled their sick fire... I had to pray and ask god for guidance because i literally felt like i wasnt gonna make it... God put in my heart to never ever let them or anyone take the love out of my nor your heart nor dim your light... As hard as it might be at times.. (Because i still struggle with this myself) but we must pray for them.. Forgive the ones that hurt us.. Betray us.. Pray for the ones that curse us, persecute us and speak ill on our names.... Forgive.. let go and give it to the Lord.. Not for them but for our own inner peace and joy that has been promised to us all.. So who are they to steal it away... We're children of God... We already have the victory because God said "No weapons formed against us shall prospers.." Its a battle everyday... Stay strong in the Lord sister... I dont know you.. But I love you.. In jesus name, Amen and God bless..
wow.....that must have sooo horrible for you...i wish you healing and all the best life has to offer you xoxoxo
And their simmering hostility, anger and disdain come out at most unexpected moments. If you pay attention you see or hear how unhinging they are.
You're not kidding!! The vulnerable narcissists are the hardest to detect! They fly under the radar often times. Takes a while to figure them out. You have to know what to look for. I'm on pins and needles waiting for this video. 👀
you can pretty often see them in the ways they try to elicit sympathy by their seemingly innocent charm..
they all play the victim. have faith in yourself. love all. trust a few.. do no harm
So true ,middle aged women who act like the sweetest most kindest, people who talk with a soft girly voice and the passive aggressive sabotage that they do and at the same time looking so innocent.
@@ilove7804 LOL women of any age who talk with high girly voice = creepy and disturbing to hear.
I always thought my brother was unique. I always thought there couldn't be anyone else in the world with such a toxic personality. - Now here is Dr. Carter describing my brother like he's known him all his life.
Does your brother have a close relationship with your dad?
I have never seen a more accurate description of my ex. This is truly SCARY how close this was to her entire being. I can't even put it to words. This is her 100% in and out. I got out after 5 years. 2 first years were great, then I guess resentment and grudges regarding my "failures" took a toll. From that moment, the entire relationship became a nightmare. I tried everything to make her feel better, to pacify, to make her happy, to support her until I was drained completly. Finally I got out, it was the most difficult decision of my life. Thank you for telling me I was not crazy.
I feel I have many of these traits. I don’t want them! I have PTSD and really want good relationships and to treat other people in a fair and healthy way. I do have a long history of abuse and abandonment and do feel very separate from any type of tribal experience. I wonder what I can do to change this? I’ve never thought of myself this way. I really do care deeply for others and want to have integrity and do the right thing. Eek!
I understand. And felt similarly after discovering the narcissist in my life and my affinity. Check out the crappy childhood fairy.
Any consolation: your level of self awareness is a big green flag of your in tact empathy and humanity (ie not being a narcicicst).
Many people who are sensitive & empathic & codependent with PTSD & Trauma, etc, have some or all of the traits that Dr. Les is describing here...Does not mean that they are bad narcissist people...There are no perfect childhoods most people have childhood trauma that they are coping with in adulthood...There are very few perfect people in the world that fit the text book description of perfection...Remember that Dr. Les is a trained psychologist & he is trained to pick people apart & diagnose & label them with some disorder...Many nice kind people get labelled & criticized because they do not fit the right description of what the psychologist is looking for...So do not take these descriptions & check list too seriously...He is looking at everything from the therapist point of view...They are always right & everyone else is wrong...Some Therapists can even be Narcissists in disguise also :)
@HTA check out a book called The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron. it will help.
@@klairef983 I really appreciate your perspective. I feel the exact same. Sometimes I get confused because I get told I am very sensitive, an empath, but then I see some traits here and I feel like I am the opposite and actually a narcissist. I worry that I am!
Maybe consider seeking some trauma informed counseling or care. I have also personally found that healing with nature and animals goes along way. Also connecting with mindfulness and making an effort to be present in the now.
Wound collectors 😱 and won't ever let go of a perceived insult, slight, offence etc.....terrible.
Wound collectors. Yes. That's a good description.
Great description luv it
Yes and down play any thing they do against others or deny it outright.
Cherishing every possible thing they could use to claim victimhood or oppression.
Now that is a succinct word..Wound Collectors.. Like it.
I'm struggling with healing after 36 years with my narcissist mother..
All of her projections tried to gaslight me into thinking I was the out of control monster.
It's really hard because when you're under their control they project so many of their emotions onto you that it makes you feel like you're the problem.
Exactly what happened to me too. All of it
They constantly stir up strife behind one's back and aren't satisfied even when you're bending over backwards to please them. But their golden child can do nothing wrong and they sort of worship each other. This narcissist appears harmless but is really treacherous. This was my mother for 53 years. I was always striving, always rejected and never understanding what the matter was. I never imagined she was doing it on purpose, though I saw her calm pleasure in my grief.
Exactly.
Not going to lie, I laughed at the phrasing “emotionally delicate”. My ex had a hair trigger and would throw temper tantrums based on his bizarre interpretations of the things I would say (or my tone of voice!)
Yesss
Same!
My mother is all 12. She’s always been that way since ... forever .. I went no contact with her in Dec 2019. Finally got tired of the abuse.
This fits my ex. When I met him he was so shy and timid. No friends and at 53 I was his first relationship. I was with him 10 years, lived with him 6 years. I used to compare his treatment of me to Chinese Water Torture. Drip by drip he nearly drove me crazy. Thank goodness I got out as I ended up so frightened of him. My family thought he was wonderful.
They use our pity on them.
I’m so happy for you that you got out of the relationship. Being around a narc is like water torture, drip drip drip you end up just feeling moldy and rotten at the end of it. The only way to deal with it is to escape permanently.
What a revelation! My seemingly shy and sweet man showed all the signs of narcissism but wasn't grandiose. This video solidified so much for me and I see it all clearly now. Thank you, Dr. Carter for covering this, what an eye-opener.
Wow. This is 1000% my mom. My moms held a grudge against me for 55 years. She said to my dad ‘I’m done, you deal with her’at 2. She’s proud of that to this day. I asked her if we could have a relationship in 1993 2 years after my dad died and she coldly said no. Some people don’t get along. And that’s it. I have nothing to do with her. It’s better for my soul💕
That's tragic. I hope you find peace.
My dad said that as a newborn he didn't recognize me as his son. Like he had some kind of intuition that i wasn't going to be like him as a person. He told me this like it was perfectly alright. Which is very odd. Of course I was never the golden child.
I hope that just being a anxiety ridden introvert with severe OCD is different than what you describe. It's exhausting explaining to people that I am not mad, I am having a good time, I care about others, etc. The behavior you describe is how I am sure I come across, but it's mostly from decades of trying to navigate the weirdness of the current world while working on my disorders. One way I get out of these tense moments is to "get out of my own head" and ask about the other person and listen. But I think in true narcissism, the person seriously does not and can't care about others. At least that's how I've understood it, maybe I am wrong. Just saying, maybe that cranky quiet person just doesn't like social situations. Maybe that coworker is just tired of navigating office politics or politics in general. I know I am.
Woah you just described so well where I am and have been my whole life. Sharing your soul story like that can make such a remarkable difference in someone’s life. Thank you. I hope you see your power!
I think it's pretty hard to distinguish between a lack of social skills, past trauma, lack of maturity, basically introverted traits and some forms of narcissism. Sometimes you do end up mistreating people but it's not always malicious or intended. There are similarities and I can see some of the behaviours he mentions here and having done them myself in the past. But I guess what counts is that you do care at the end of the day.
The difference is that you understand that your behavior may have some negative consequences for those around you, unintentionally, and you can see how your behavior could be misinterpreted. You’re not holding it against the other person but merely explaining that it isn’t where you are. A narc will fly into a rage or self pity party at even the suggestion that their actions might’ve hurt someone. Bottom line, if you’re wondering and aren’t doing things maliciously, you’re probably not a narc and people will see the difference.
I felt the same way as I listened. But narcissists underlying thoughts is selfish. The fact this "bothered" you, says your not a narcissist at all. Narcissism does not consider itself as a problem. Everyone else is the problem. Look up HG Tudor on YT.
I feel that many on the autism spectrum feel the way you do: difficult navigating social interactions, and having others comment on how their level of emotional display is somehow 'off.' No wonder so many of us just don't feel it's worth it trying to make friends. It's hard enough just to get by.
Cynicism over others successes is so real with these people. I struggled but succeeded in nursing our first baby and he called me a "one trick pony" as if nursing the baby was all I did for her lol
You described my youngest cousin right there
I had to have breast reconstruction surgery which included implants. She had little A cup mosquito bites for breasts and says, after my surgery healed, "at least mine are real".
I mean, I'm healthy now, and I don't look like a freak anymore. And she says that?
That's awful, Boo
@@serenasmuckers9310 wow that is mean. Im glad you are feeling better . My friend had reconstruction surgery on her boobs because it was hurting her back
@@serenasmuckers9310 that's so horrible. Im glad you have your health but these people can never be happy or happy for someone else.
The list is correct. I am a vulnerable narcissist and got 11/12 points.
Thank you, you just described my (baffling!) ex. I would think of him as Mr. Negative. But that vulnerable side, his Poor Me was just irresistible. He fooled me into thinking he had a big hurt heart , and that with just enough love, I could heal him and he would love me forever ...HAHAHA....not. But I did get trauma bonded! That was hell. I now know that Narcissists can't be saved! Just RUN.
Wow this is literally me with my ex to a tee😢❤
One of the exes.... one day he started calling me names, blaming me for everything in his life, things I had not done...and I wanted to explain to him how this hurts me and how we need to change the destructive dynamics between us. He didn't understand anything. He completely lacks awareness.
After the breakup (which was kind of mutual, but I wanted to fix things) he repeatedly blamed me for his depression. 5 times.
"I am falling because of you." - "I feel like shit only because of you.".... "I am already depressed and don't ever do this thing to my doorbell again or else" (I never went to his house since the breakup, have even been avoiding his entire neighborhood)...
The last thing he wrote to me was "I have never alluded to you being responsible for my depression". That made me so angry because it reminded me of my overtly narcissistic mother who blatantly alters reality to her liking, denying what she said or did yet remembering how I misbehaved 20 years ago - how could I!!!! ....
I know today that my mother is an extremely traumatized person and I feel for her, but she made life very hard for me in many ways.
I love myself more, and I feel better when I don't try to save these people and don't try to see the good in them or our time together, because this only brings back cognitive dissonance - that vulnerable narc ex made me feel like being thrown into a blender, making my mind obssessed, trying to understand him and help him because he love-bombed me so much in the beginning and I really liked his sensitivity. Soon it was revealed: he looks down on everybody but himself...
My soul got lost very quickly and my heart shut down.
I am still reassembling my sanity 3.5 months after the breakup and re-entered therapy.
Whereas this person kept complaining about the traumas in his life, how hard everything was, yet never explained any details and never went to therapy.
He has made me more avoidant, that's for sure. I was actually feeling pretty secure when we met.
Now I only trust my friends and animals. Love yourself more than you love these people. They may be sick but they certainly care more about their fake egos than about you.
I dealt with one for a year as a roommate and it's hard to explain to people because they are baffling. I'll be honest, I'm tearing up reading the comments; just because it's nice to see other people validating how toxic and draining it was. It made me so depressed dealing with him 24/7.
Incredibly educational video. This kind of narcissist will drag you down with them and try to re-shape your whole life, for worse. I would also add another point to the checklist and that is shaming you. They are HUGE on shaming your interests, hobbies, anything. To the point where you may give up on those interests and hobbies, I am serious. That's how influential they can be in a bad way. Just like Dr. Les Carter says - Don't ever adjust your personality and style around these people just because they're sulking, I've done this way too many times and what for? A vulnerable narcissist will make you so confused you will forget who you are as a person. It's so hard to re-build yourself back but it's possible, it just takes time and effort and a lot of self-love. Thank you for this video!
This is 100 %my stbx. Every single point - the smirking smugness, the constant need for reassurance, the silent treatment, the need for it to be all about him, the sneering internally at others, the thought he's superior but unable or unwilling to join in, gaslighting, lies, the envy, the need to sabotage everything .... All of it. It is so wearing.
You're right, that type of person will wear you out. That's why you're better off keeping your distance. Dr. C
This is my mom! Thank you! I learned a lot of these behaviors in childhood and kept them until I went to college and saw people with much healthier behaviors and started to unlearn a lot of these while replacing them with healthier ones. I've spent much of my adulthood improving myself away from several of these behaviors that felt like factory default settings. Always more to do to improve myself but so glad for info like this to help me see it more concisely. Life is so much better when you aren't living in constant paranoia! While I can't stand narcs, I can at least empathize with the pain that is living with that kind of paranoia since it was a part of my childhood. Glad to be free of that!
I'm glad you have both understanding AND freedom. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissismIs this the most dangerous type?
He would always say to me “we have to be better to one another otherwise it won’t work .” And I’m thinking “what was wrong ? Where did that come from?” 🙄
I’m also writing a book and he would roll his eyes when I talked about it. What a child !!
Hope the book is going well! :) xo
RedHerronRecords thank you. 🙏😊❤️
Same here. Keep writing! dr. C
Wonderwoman2, I'm guessing he meant you should be working harder to please him. I've known a few people like this, who will hint that you aren't quite doing enough to show your devotion. Your being focused on your book takes attention away from him. Right, his rolling his eyes is childish. I hope he also has some adult qualities. Good luck with your book! 🙂
Jeanog that’s what I was thinking at the time. I know now what he was doing.
And really no adult qualities. The more you learn about narcissism the more you will realize they’re adults in 7 year old bodies. And he was grooming someone else at the time he was saying these ridiculous things to me - that gave him the time and room to see someone else and not completely let go of me.
Wow. This is my spouse...i knew he was a narcissist but some stuff didn't quite line up, but this does 100%.
I hope, if you want, that you can escape at some point. And create a new life for yourself.
Exactly the same for me!!
I've spent weeks reflecting on my mental state and how I view my relationships, and this has literally been eye opening for me, and helped me realise i've been doing this stuff since I was at a young age, without ever knowing how I managed to feel similar if not identical things with different people over the years, and never began to empathise for the ppl i do this to until now
a curious person looks for a lesson in everyone,a wise person knows whom to stay away from and to not have anything to do with at all!
Narc people helped me to realize that what we call "Hell" isn't a fiery planet waiting for us in the Afterlife, but rather, a state of mind that can afflict the living... A narcisst's life feels like 'living hell' to them and in their mind it excuses them from all the hurt that they inflict on others. To an exterior observer, the struggle appears real, so you try to help them, but to them you're like another threat to their way of being 🤔
They're overly identified with the abuser who raised them. They take loyalty to one (sick) parent to an entirely new level.
My personal favourite is that they tell you what you're feeling. My mother would say things like "You must be feeling exhausted", "You're feeling hurt right now", etc.. um no, I didn't say that and why are you assuming my emotions? Did you ask me?
or when they dismiss or discount your feelings
And then you make the mistake of saying, "Are you asking me what I am feeling? Or are you telling me what I'm feeling??" Oh, how the shizz hits the fan then.
‘Baffling’ is an understatement
🤔🤥😳😭🙄😑😶😩🥺😔🤩😎
😂🤣😂🤣😂😅
Right !!!!!
More like 🤯🤯🤯🤯
No wonder my 30 year marriage was so confusing! At the end of it, he suddenly turned malignant and all the worst parts of him came rushing out. It was very much an Incredible Hulk back and forth transformation with me as the emotional punching bag for months before I was able to go no contact. I’m learning so much here and all the pieces of his weirdness are falling into place.
MArtha Lea,Yoh deserves better 🙏
Wow. I have sworn my father is a narcissist but have never been able to explain why in a way someone who doesn't know about them to understand. This is the first time I have heard of a vulnerable narcissist, and this explains him perfectly! It's weird because it's like you know him as well as I do, and you have never met 😮.
Mine, too.
I seem to have traits from several types of narcissism. I get very depressed and hate myself because of the way I treat people. I don’t think of myself as manipulative and don’t consciously think of ways to exploit or use people. I see myself as the opposite, never asking for help and always offering compensation for the help I do ask for.
Don't let this guy make you feel worse. This video is so creepy and unfeeling. If someone has had bad parenting and tries their best they should give themselves a pat on the back.
I agree, this man and Dr Todd Grande have fairly huge hatred for BPD diagnosed women especially and also NPD both diagnosed and undiagnosed--perhaps they were in relationships with such diagnosed individuals, either way, I usually avoid them both.
If you care about not using people and feel remorse for mistreating people you are not a narcissist
@@WakeUpDontTakeTheMark Exactly. Truthfully, these are traits that anyone can have, to numerous, or varying degrees. LOL this describes a LOT of people out there these days. If you feel guilt, or remorse period, you're not a narcissist.
All of these signs sound like me (except holding grudges) and that explains a lot. I know I am not a full blown Narcissist because I couldn't cop to this but there is definitely a lot of work that needs to be done. I have married two Narcissists. I didn't know until my 2nd that this personality type exists. I can understand why I was attractive to this type and now understand why I was discarded by both. I am going to continue to work towards healing my vulnerabilities and injuries. I am going to continue to challenge myself to mature and reintegrate back into loving supportive relationships in time especially now that I am not feeding off of or into Narcissistic patterns anymore. Many prayers and light to survivors who turned in on themselves and became their own worse enemy. There is help and relief from grief as soon as you embrace accountability.
Very brave of you to tackle this
The vulnerable narcissist in my life was one of my roommates. She basically started avoiding being in the same room with me at all costs. I would try to ask what was wrong, and she'd give very unhelpful feedback, like "You're just a terrible roommate." I tried to guess what she was mad about, then I would apologize and make amends for these things. She would just say, "I appreciate the gesture." And later she'd insist she couldn't totally forgive me because "to this day, you still act like it was an honest mistake, when we both know you did it on purpose." And before I knew what was happening, she'd successfully organized a smear campaign against me. So now, all of our shared friends are entirely shunning me. Who knows what she claimed I did to her, but her fibs must involve me doing some pretty heinous things to get this level of vitriol and hatred from so many former friends.
this happened to me with a roomate she loved to drink and party was a sloppy drunk and financially irresponsible. She tried to get my roomates gainst me,didnt work because I just didn't respond or react in her manner, meaning bitchy and craycray lol
About six weeks ago I disconnected from a friend of roughly 15 years, because even after months of repeated warnings, and having taken the time to express the issues in the functionality of our relationship and what needed to begin to change for the relationship to continue, instead of working on things and communicating with me, they doubled down and it began rapidly worsening. They became insulting and massively trying to guilt trip me. This person was 12/12 on the vulnerable narcissist list discussed here; literally everything you said applied to them. Emotional basketcase, everything is everyone else's fault, HUGE victim complex, absolutely self-absorbed, ghosting and then suddenly reappearing when they need support, the energy black hole in every room, attempting to manipulate everyone around them especially by passive aggressiveness/guilt tripping, etc. This person hits every mark detailed in this video; I've never heard a person so perfectly described. I wish them the best, but holy cow.... what a mess.
YEP!! My EX gay-male best fried … but TODAY it ends here with this video!!!
20 years and he STILL doesn’t know how to be a true friend! I would apologize for any perceived “slight” and he would forgive me only to go back and renig (take back) the forgiveness!
Tried to explain this to a marriage therapist who painted it as a “rough patch.” So basically, I’m making up and or exaggerating all the passive aggression I’m experiencing. Thank God for these videos that validate people who can’t find someone who gets it. Walking on eggshells for years is not a “rough patch.”
My narc ex-friend is an interesting blend between a vulnerable and communal narcissist. However, unlike a lot of vulnerable narcissists, she’s not an introvert, but she is most definitely very delicate and she easily takes things the wrong way. When you said “if you go to a party and forget to say ‘hi’ to them, they take it personally.” This is exactly what she is like. I’ve never seen anyone who is so easily slighted over the most trivial things. And, she loves to talk about other people behind their backs and about how terrible they were towards her. It’s so exhausting and I’m so glad to be away from that now. It’s been six months of freedom. 💕😊
I am a narc magnet. I have spent 10 years deleting many from my life learning what it is and who I am and why I allowed such toxicity. I had a guy friend who is a introvert and I a highly extroverted happy go lucky person. I knew he was insecure w a fragile ego, but I never thought narcissist until He started showing spite and weird behaviours over normal nothing. I pulled away realizing this guy is creating drama about nothin g because he actually is threatened by my outgoing nature. He is exactly everything you just described. So sad
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Sadly, it has taken just over two decades to realize what I've been dealing with. As the kids became older and more independent, I finally had the bandwidth to take in my marriage. Someone used this great analogy - as I was juggling marriage, kids, household, and work, it was like a band was playing. Then suddenly the band stopped playing and the lights came on, and finally I could take in who was in the room with me. Now on to making positive changes.
Yes,this is the person who waits until our meditation group is happily all chatting,then suddenly she brings everything to a halt by having an emotional,tearful crisis which requires whoever she makes eye contact with and tearfully waves over to sit next to her and give her a hug. Despite her being fine 10 minutes earlier. You can almost count down in your head when it starts. She's 60!
🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣
Oh my goodness! My mom and brother exactly. Mom matches all but one of these boxes and my brother all but two. Silent treatment, pouty, jealous, not happy for peoples success, eye rolling, judgmental and grudges. I can’t win with either one. I walk on eggshells at every get together. I am exhausted and have went almost no contact. I am 63 and I am worn out physically and mentally with both of them. They feed off of each other! My brother is not speaking to me now and my mom grunts when I call! I just can’t believe why anyone would want to be like that. Life is so short and so precious. Every day is a gift and I just have to try and save whatever is left of myself. They have taken my confidence, my respect and my smile. I have to stay strong.
Introvert, even to the point of socially awkward, romantic, fragile. That’s the person I met. You really want to talk about missed red flags?
Død Seiðr with you here, friend!
same
@@evabruchhaus6741 same same ugh they're the worst.
Being somewhat anxious in relationship style myself, of course one found me. Her problem solving skills were limited to the SILENT TREATMENT and GHOSTING. Final discard after almost 4 yrs was 5 weeks ago and I am devastated. She Ghosted 7+ times but, I chased because she was obviously broken, abused, etc. My codependent empathetic self wanted to white knight her, to save her unfortunately, she wasn’t having it. I once told her the silent treatment is a form of abuse... guess that was another conversation she wasn’t paying attention to. She was Super sensitive to criticism too. Walking on eggshells for sure...all the time. I’m trying to see her absence as a gift, a learning opportunity.😝 Shit! Who am I kidding? She lives a mile away, changed schedule, staying with friends ( flying monkeys), etc. I am TOTALLY GHOSTED! Her loss. I was devoted to her, loved her, and told her looking for happily ever after with her, needing some form of emotional intimacy. After several years of subtly trying to “fix” the situation I, in desperation, I kinda broke down and expressed my need for emotional connection and empathy...you know what she thought of it. She took as ultimate criticism, I think, and gone gone gone! You’ll never get closure from a narc. Listen to your gut and question them at first. Do not fall for the love bombing! Don’t spend 4 yrs believing they are in the relationship with you, it is a lie.🙏
Please please stay away from the 'fragile' sorts ALWAYS. They're real nutcases.
Well, that was extremely helpful. I've spent years trying to establish if my sister was a narcissist. I love my sister. One of my biggest fears is that she will reject me like my parents repeatedly rejected me. And she has for long stretches. My father is a malignant narcissist. My mother had histrionic and narcissistic tendencies and was what might be coined a vulnerable narcissist. My sister is the youngest and was always treated as the good daughter. In the family role system, I was the bad daughter even when I was a virgin who was introverted and hid in my room reading books to stay out of the line of fire, and always tried to please my parents who were never satisfied. My parents taught my sister how to treat me and to devalue me. Here, I am, almost 64 and still in this dynamic with my sister. She ghosts me if I am not on my best behavior and I stop walking on egg shells and express concerns. I try to do a lot of self-examination. What did I do wrong or how did I play a part in causing the upset which entails my sister storming off in a huff as soon as we disagree on anything so there can not be a connection or communication despite differences. Whenever it seems like something I could possibly be responsible for from my own selfish end, I apologize. And wow, Dr. Carter nailed it. Even my apologies are never good enough. However, this last time of storm out huff, my sister has actually asked me to choose between my belief in Jesus and God, or her and any relationship with her. Jesus and God are non-negotiable for me. This experience was actually freeing. Before, and at other times, I could not quite nail down or figure out if I was over analyzing or being unfair in my observances of my sister because the differences of thought were something of the world, and I could see and understand her side as well as mine. This time, she's asking me to make a choice between her and God. I can accept that she does not believe in God, and does not believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and no one comes to the father except through Jesus. No one should be forced to change their beliefs and I would not try to convince her to think differently than she does even if I wish for her salvation that she does. People can not be forced to God nor can anyone really control anyone else. The only person one can genuinely control is self and that's enough of a challenge for me. Unfortunately, self-control is not valued and is considered a dirty word these days. I am floored every day at how many people think we all need to think lockstep in agreement or we are somehow slighting someone or a group.
It is a real thing I noticed how narc of all sorts do not fully submit to God or acknowledge the importance- I dare even say the narcs are jealous and almost in competition of anyone that is a threat to their supply source getting less devoted to their narc needs. It is like they are behaving as the devil... as shocking as it seems to understand to a healthier person.
Your story is almost exactly like my family of origin. I was scapegoated. I learned to be a people pleaser. It’s hard.
That is exhausting. She may have picked that hurdle because she knew you would refuse the bait. Very cruel. I am glad for you that you have the comfort of your faith and I hope you can find a new family of kind people who share your priorities❤.
I remember the bible verse.... "don't throw pearls to swine". Also remember the verse that says the fruit of the spirit are love, peace, joy, etc.... these are things your sister cannot know. She is ill. She has always been ill, but you just didn't see it. Now you can't unsee it. Separate from her.... she is no fun to be around anyway. I have more fun with strangers on the street or grocery store, than I do with my sister. We send ecards at Birthdays and Christmas. That's it. I don't hate her, either. I loved her very much. But for my self preservation, I must stay far away from her. If I saw her, all I want to say is "why" and she can't answer that either. Be well, my friend. Love yourself first, because you are NO GOOD to anyone else, if you can't take care of yourself, fully.... emotionally. They are like mean Pinnochhios... they never grew up... and they are pissed at the world.... nothing you need to be around during this we call our life's journey. I have no kids, no husband, few friends, but better off without my snarky sister. Stay away because it's necessary for your good health.... mandatory for your good health. I am 71 years young.. still working full time because can't live on Soc Sec alone. My sister was like this ever since I have known her... but it got worse. Enjoy the fruits of The Lord... love, peace, joy.
Ugh. My husband sucks the life out of me. He has to many. He doesn't see the pattern as far as I can tell. Just a revolving door of hell
C'mon people wow we are married to the same creep
Absolutely 💯
Same.
"A revolving door of hell" yep!
The narcissist thinks she is clever,
While in fact she is just a deceiver,
She lies and she pouts,
While I can't figure it out;
It's time for me now just to leave 'er.
I love this
2:08 ¹can be emotionally delicate, thin-skinned
hyper-sensitive in small matters
2:50 ²critical in their thoughts about others
3:55 ³quiet smugness disdain condescension
4:58 ⁴constant need for reassurance
5:40 ⁵major tendency towards passive
aggressiveness, non conformist
6:22 ⁶prone to sulking • deep shut-down
6:55 ⁷strong victim mentality
7:28 ⁸poor listening skills
8:09 ⁹suck the emotional energy out of room
9:04 ¹⁰cynical regarding others' successes
9:50 ¹¹often self-sabotage
10:24 ¹²hold on to grudges for a long time
11:50 "you don't want to polk the bear 🐼" 🤣😆
0
Helpful! Thanks.
👍🏿 True.
1) very emotionally delicate
2) highly critical in their thoughts about others
3) quiet smugness. (Rolling their eyes etc)
4) constant need for reassurance
5) passive aggressive behaviour
6) prone to sulking with deep shut down
7) strong victim mentality.
8) very poor listening skills. No interest in others
9) in social settings they suck the emotional element out of the room. Making others uncomfortable
10) cynical regarding others success
11) self sabotage. Not live to potential. Difficulty receiving compliments
12) tendency to hold onto grudges for a long time. Want to hold themselves ver you
Overlaps with covert narcissism
Thank You! You're the Real MVP ;-)
You can't have friends not only because they criticize everyone privately though to outsiders they appear wonderful but only if they are in a superior position or not around others for lo g because too long their strangeness & being uncomfortable slips out. They also don't like when others like you if they're uncomfortable & must be the center of attention & will lie on you & for sensationalism if it brings attention.
Their brothers and sisters 😆
You've described my life with both my sister & my soon to be ex husband! Miserable people who aren't happy unless they succeed at making those around them just as miserable! Baffling narcissist is too kind a term to use when describing these types of people.
So true! Misery leaks out of their pours like a bad case of body odor. Soul-crushing life-stealers.
Exactly. And they pretend to be ok to to all the other people (they are so modest.. ) but when you are alone with them they pour their anger and envy on you.. But, yes, it's so very important - and crucial - for them to bring you down at their level. It's even better for them if they make you - at least seemingly - even way more miserable than what they themselves are.. Then they feel successful. At least for a moment. "Let's just be miserable together. It's all your fault anyway."
😶 Well aren't you judgemental...... ya hypocritical NARCISSIST!!!
The more I watch these videos and start to see all the ways these things apply to me, the more I feel sad and ashamed for the pain I've caused those around me, and the ways I've made their life difficult. I really want to heal and change these behaviors, but it's been 40+ years that I've been this way, and the task seems insurmountable. But, I'm going to remind myself that each day is a new day to try again to make a little progress. I'm going to keep watching these videos and keep working on myself, and just take baby steps. I wish I lived in Texas and could go to Dr. Carter for help!
Good for you for the self reflection and desire to change. Any therapist can teach you to stop using passive aggressive behaviour or sulking and you can reinvert your behaviour. Look for videos on narcissistic fleas too. These are traits we can pick up that we can work on changing.
The fact you recognize is a huge step, and I think you're not, because from my dealings with narcissists of all sorts, they simply don't care they affect you, only how you affect them. Keep up the good work!
A lot of this matches me, except I don’t harshly criticize others, I’m a good listener, and I’m happy for peoples successes. Maybe I’m just vulnerable and need to work on myself more.
Yessss!!! This is exactly what I have been doing more research on. Majority of information on narcs is grandiose or covert, but in studying my narc if determined he is more of a vulnerable covert narcissist and he has done such a number on me I hardly recognize myself, yet it happened so subtly and in slights a when he would throw tantrums like a toddler I was somehow twisted into nurturing and comforting him for me calling him out in his mistreatment of me.
Looking forward to what wisdom you have for us
Thank you!!!! 🙏🏼
I hope if you haven't, that you will get out of that relationship. Keep learning and be the person you want to be. I just got put of a relationship like this, and it really did a number on my self esteem. Then, the trick is not putting time and emotional energy into unhealthy people.
Lol the narc i knew broke down on me like child, after i ask him a question he was not expecting me to ask, i think it was just to get back his control, he said i HURT HIM💀💀
@@len1045678 They will use anything.. throw tantrums like you would never expect from an adult. Whatever it takes.
I call my narcissist brother baby Huey, he is 6’5” and throws adult tantrums frequently, especially when he doesn’t get his way, he has the mentality of a 10 yr old, yet completely terrifying when he is angry
@@len1045678 whenever you have to confront a narc over their behavior they always turn to the “you’re so cruel” “you’re a bully” because you try to speak to them as an adult, they have a child’s coping ability. And they can convince others that you are a bully that’s the scariest part, when all you’ve tried to do is communicate with them
Whatever they acuse you of is what they are doing at the time.
This type of person sounds like a victim of narcissist who doesn’t trust people and has learned the s**t from the narc. Propably the one that would benefit from therapy out of all of them most. But what I also think, is that any type of narcissist can also be vulnerable narc and any other type, they can change their role.
same as us. the fallen angels have free will. it's a difficult conversation. check out pastor bob joyce.
I like your observation. I have often wondered if these baffling n's are the children of n's who have tried to change their "guidelines" in order to be less obvious and less outwardly ugly.
Yes
This is the duality of it all.
You, my friend, are being initiated into something expansive.
@@xiphocostal that's what I thought too.. my mother in law is a narcisist and my bf has some traits and during a fight he ganged up against me with his mom when he was mad and started saying I said things I really dont remember saying.. He wouldnt do that on his own when we were arguing..
Yes! The vulnerable narcissists are so confusing! My recent manager was this & he was so hard to work with. So, excited!
this description parallels the behaviors of a survivor of narc abuse.... especially one that has suffered through a smear campaign that worked. ( love your work by the way - thank you for sharing )
Teri Rogers,your pretty smile can make the news!
25 year relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Married him 2 times. He was so difficult to understand until i educated myself with these videos. Thank God for Dr Carter ! I know Im not crazy. He would fit every one of these 12 points. I finally realized something was terribly wrong.
What made you decide to marry him a second time? Not being harsh, this is an honest curiosity ❤
@@rpmcmurphey927 After a serious time of a love bombing phase He agreed to go to counseling. After a time in which I began to see him change (so I thought) I began seeing him again. I even had the counselor call me telling me that she thought he was sincere in wanting to change and that she felt he really did love me. I told her she didnt know him well enough to say that. But after sometime I decided to go back to him. Even my pastor suggested that I should go back to him. At the time I knew nothing about narcissism had no idea of the cycles they go thru. Believe me
when I say it is a long story, but this is the short version.
Are you still married? If not, was it hard leaving him?
I've listened to other posts about narcissists and this one fits my husband to a T. He's so passive-aggressive and withdrawn that nobody picks up on it. But he sure rules our household and god forbid I make a decision on my own. Wow.
I ran into this. What tipped me off was that i felt the same bad feelings of being the problem, being emotionally activated, that i felt w my overt narc parents. If you are ALWAYS the problem and they are always perfectly innocent it's a narcissist.
You get it.
I did not find out my only sister is vulnerable narcissist until death of our parents when she was not stepping up to help, passive aggressive and dumping her issues on me. So not only did I lose my parents but the sister I thought I had.
Cynthia Darr I am so sorry to hear that. Grieving the loss of who you thought the narcissist was is hard enough much less when they’re family much less with your parents recently departed. 💓💞 my heart goes out to you, and your power in speaking your truth.
I know that kind of loss. Sad. Painful. Grieve it and move on. That is all I can see to do. Learn and live.
@Sue Ristovska I'm so sorry. That's heartbreaking.
Maybe she had been told nasty things by them. That is happening to me ,but I still go see my mum. I am 56 ,my mum 89 on a wheelchair and the other day I approached her to say something sweet, she sad: ' go away don't want you to bother me anymore (very aware) It was very hurtful. I am very confused about my mum and siblings. Well,I don't know your story with your sister.With my sister it's difficult. I am all alone in this.My father lived alone. As well as my eldest brother. This is so tough. I wish I had had a close and healthy family.
@Sue Ristovska Stay strong.You are not alone.
This is the relationship I'm in. I'm trying desperately to get out. This is the craziest shit I've ever been thru. God help me.
Ugggggghhh...I knew a covert/vulnerable narccissist. This fits him to a "t". The emotional delicateness and underhanded smugness ...that's him. They are the WORST bc they disarm you by making you feel sorry for them because they're so pathetic. But then the ugliness comes out when you least expect it. They make me sick 🤮
Reminds me of my mom but in reality the significant relationships I chose were much the same. They would waver between grandiose and vulnerable but The hard part is they see your response to their constant negativity (discard mode) as a mirror and when you finally cant take it any more and cut them off they project YOU as the vulnerable narcissist and tell others YOU did to them what THEY did to you . Yep. My ex narc tells my daughter he’s too “scared” to talk to me when there is nothing scarier than what he did to me.
I see a lot of this in myself. I do self sabotage, but I do feel happy for others. I'm trying to heal my negative core beliefs and heal childhood traumas.
I am too, I wish you the best in that journey :)
ONLY Jesus your maker can heal you and longs to reach out! Read the ospel f John and invite Him into your heart! Be blessed!
This explains hell of a lot why I kept falling for the same ''nice'' guy. Thank you so much.
This was very good. I’d thought I was dealing with a covert narcissist but that wasn’t it. I’ve been dealing with a ‘Vulnerable Narcissist’. Thank you for giving me this clarity. And no, it’s not easy to live with a VN.
Dana Reedy, you are too precious to be with a narcissist!