Your Path Away From Narcissistic Trauma
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- Опубліковано 28 лип 2023
- Repeated exposures to a narcissist's invalidations can leave psychological scars that can be referred to as trauma bonds. While acknowledging the difficulties associated with that, Dr. Les Carter offers hope as he outlines ways to recover from the trauma created by narcissistic abuse.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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After 46 years of losing me , its not gonna be easy to be the real me again but I will be step by step.
Maryspeth3469 , Your inner light is bright. I look forward to to seeing your discoveries .
@@Greenawareness188 very seeet of you danka.
Yes you will❤
So it is !!!!
If you spend your hole life, including your childhood as well with those people, there is then actually almost nothing left from „the self“.
For my lifetime of trauma, there is only left, heavy anxiety and deep depression and the struggle about to not kill your self.
I’m 51 by now , since almost 10 years in and out of Psychiatry, who tries to safe my life; I also try to, but actually don’t know for what.
It is an ingoing nightmare since I was born .
All the best for the journey ahead. Love from a fellow survivor x
Dr Carter ☀️ I didn’t have you while I was growing up in a heavily toxic household, but I have you now. 💃 Thank you for your time, effort, wisdom and care. ❤️ ☮️
You are so welcome, and I'm pleased to be on the path with you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism😊❤
'Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Fall in love with the path of deep healing. Fall in love with becoming the best version of yourself but with patience, with compassion and respect to your own journey.' - S. McNutt
Thanks for sharing this. I would definitely keep this one in my mind. Take care 🙏
Well said 👍🎯
I love this. Once we start loving and taking care of ourselves, there are so many more life possibilities. Things can be really good one day. ❤️
@@tbunnyshy1 Indeed 🤗
The narcs are not worth it!
I’m choosing to start a new life completely narc free. It’s so hard- they took almost everything from me. I lost my business that I worked so hard to create. I lost all of my personal belongings, and my car was repossessed. My small child and I are moving into a motel tomorrow. We will make it- I am breaking this horrific cycle of abuse for her no matter what. She deserves a happy childhood and a chance to have the life of her dreams. None of that is possible with a narc hurting us.
You make it, been there over many years ago. Take care of yourself and believe in your ability to overcome any trials.
Im so sorry. I hope the hotel has a pool and hot tub and they are all in working order and you get the most wonderful warm breakfast.
I'm cheering for you. Yes, I don't know you, but you are brave & loving to do this for your child & yourself. You will make it. God be with you.❤
You can do it!!!! Praying for you and your daughter!!!!
@@mday3821 I second that! I don't know you.. however, I know you are doing right by your daughter. I've spent 28 years with mine and I regret it for multiple reasons. The BIGGEST REGRET though, is the effect it had on our kids. I didn't see it then, but I do now. I can't go back and undo it. You, my friend, will not have that regret, and are saving your child, and yourself, from years of mental abuse. Bless you for saving the both of you. You WILL MAKE IT!!!
I'm going to have to deal with a situation...
My first words will be..."when you are ready to show decency, respect, and civility, we can talk"
#TeamHealthy
At 60 yrs old I had to go No Contact with my entire "family." I realized that the level of dysfunction and toxicity would NEVER change. That I would NEVER get from my Mother what I had begged for my whole life. Love.
Hi, Denise. I also left my family at age 60. How are you feeling? I am feeling better every day. But it is really strange, isn't it?
@shahadah1451 I'm doing sooooo much better. Drama free. But it does feel strange. It's like grieving the death of your entire family all at the same time. Sometimes, I almost crack but then remind myself of what it was like. I'll NEVER go back.
@@dgvfsa66 Neither will I. Stay strong.
@@shahadah1451 💔❤️🩹❣️
Well done, this December at 59 I decided to go no contact with my narc sister who is 61. When our mother passed, and she - who had no love or affection for our amazing mother, made sure to get more than 50% of the inheritance. The greed and absolute lack of integrity was the final straw for me. They will never change. Walk away and never look back. May you all find the peace you deserve.
Indicators of Trauma Bonding:
Ongoing control battles
Heavy defenses on both sides
Too much appeasement, suppression (of emotions)
Ongoing secrets… on both sides
Chronic undertow of anger
Individualize your efforts in your path away from the narcissist (Who am I?)
1. “I have a separate, distinct self”
2. Live into your freedom
3. Identify the trends that have held you back
4. Identify your better healthy alternatives
5. Come to terms with the narcissist’s contributions
6. Go back to your basics (What do I stand for?)
Reminders for the journey:
Replace “I lost myself” with “I love who I am”
Be patient with yourself
Refrain from defending yourself
Check your propensity toward cynicism
Encourage others with similar experiences
It’s ok if you are triggered in your emotions
Carve out time to find peace
Find the courage to be true to yourself
Your true self baffles their false self
Thank you for taking notes. It's helpful.
Way COOL that you do this! Thank you!
Beautifully expressed. MANY THANKS. This is my newest screenshot.
Thank you! This comment is & will be helpful.
@@christielawrence4640 exactly why I did it- so I could screenshot for quick reference!
It is like trying to escape from a sect
I stood up to my elderly mother last night. She was trying to bully and gaslight me into doing something foolish. When I was younger i allowed her to intimidate me. I told her now I wont let her bully me anymore. She hated it, verbally abused me quite viciously. But my conscience was clear. Her request was irrationalm Finally I had the courage to say NO. Thank you Doctor Les! Learning each day from you, making progress each day! So great!! 😃 Writing a journal helps me document my progress. My parents never affirmed or validated me ever. So, I don't know if its ok to say, I am very proud of myself! Is that an ok thing to say? Or, I am pleased with my progress🤔
This really spoke to me! When you said, "You don't have to go toe to toe and blow to blow."
This just happened to me. I know better. I know to walk away and not stand there and take the gaslighting and controlling behavior. I know exactly what this is and I fell for it YET again.
Today, I feel exhausted and all the things I want for myself (the peace) flew out the window.
I don't want to fight about what it is I believe and I shouldn't have to stand there and take abuse from someone who couldn't care less about how I feel or what I believe. It's baby steps, I guess..
Because I have no exit strategy due to financial constraints, I am gray rocking my narc spouse. It isn't easy because I have no voice and cannot express my opinions, but I am in therapy, which helps, and I journal about my frustrations, resentments, and bitterness.
When i couldn't find myself, I found a picture of me when i was little girl and I knew right then and there that i wanted her back! I cried and searched far and wide and I found her!❤
never has this been put so well they want to fill you with who they are
I’ve gone no contact will never ever be his supply again!!!🎉✝️🙏❤️
It was so unfortunate that in my marriage to a narc, of 20 years, I had an affair. Looking back on it, it was all due to the abuse, me losing my mind and needing to be loved. But I didn't know, until after the brief affair, that it would only bring me down worse, as that wasn't love, either. I am sure this must be what happens to many, and it brings a host of all types of problems to an already bad situation. I just want to warn others, that if you are wanting to leave the narc, stay away from other involvements until you heal from the abusive situation you are in.
The constant loneliness is horrible to deal with, and the depression drags you down so low. You live in fear of not being able to financially make it, especially with children. It took years and years to get somewhat on my feet. The struggles were so difficult. You have to still raise your kids, keep a roof over your head and food on the table. No one is there to applaud your efforts. You have to be all, and do all, by yourself.
It was all so traumatizing and the memories will always come back to haunt you. I tried to have other relationships, now it just isn't worth it to try anymore. I won't risk my peace and sanity. I just don't want to trust another to have my best interest at heart. Once you find that peace, that you know life should have, you do guard yourself and cherish what you have for yourself. Sure, the loneliness is always there, but I'm okay with that.
Self -❤ & Self-Care
After 6 unhappy months working in a room with a Bully Lead teacher, finally I revealed to Principal how petty & PUNITIVE this Toxic woman is
I am currently working at my Phd and I have to hide it, because someone thinks it's not good for me and a selfish thing 😂
Just be you!
Keep hiding it -- keep working toward your goal and remember to reward yourself for your hard work 🎉❤
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you so much Dr. C. I try my level best to be myself. I've learned so much from your videos. The person in my life uses every single malicious tactic to control me, but with my new knowledge I'm taking over now😁
@@amarbyrd2520 Thank you 😊
Flying under the radar is the term I used for many years to make it until my twins graduated from college. I knew I had no say in anything and expecting to be heard wasn’t an option. I did it all for my twins. Chronic trauma bonding sadly doesn’t disappear, I hope the triggers will be fewer and farther apart. On good days, I feel alive. Thank you as always for being a voice for all of us.
So proud you and so sorry for the undeserved abuse and trauma you've endured 🥺😣.
Made me cry when you said "on good days I feel alive"😭❤️🫂
Wishing you a kind and gentle recovery and life ☀️🎁💐🙏
Flying under the radar…I felt that. You went above and beyond for your kids. You are awesome and you rocked this life for them! 🎉 Keep coming back. Its a great family of support here with Dr. C. and Team Healthy❤
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Read this book to reconnect .....Women who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
Book by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
What does the women who run with the wolves symbolize?
About Women Who Run with the Wolves
She is the Wild Woman, who represents the instinctual nature of women. But she is an endangered species. For though the gifts of wildish nature belong to us at birth, society's attempt to “civilize” us into rigid roles has muffled the deep, life-giving messages of our own souls.
I hear you 😢. I just started my journey to be myself in 2019 and it has been so slow. Your flying under the radar is my Grey rocking. It hasn't been an easy or speedy journey but I am not giving up. I will be my own person someday.
I think the trauma I've endured has made me leery of people. I'm definitely going to be more careful about any new relationships I may enter into.
Hatbox948 , You are so worth knowing . People have to earn your trust . I feel hopeful reading your comments .
@@Greenawareness188 Thank you!
It’s not just relationships it neighbors it’s coworkers it’s family. These AHoles are everywhere. I’d say 1 in 5 at least is a Narcissistic nowadays
My thoughts and prayers have been and are still with you 🙏 ❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you Amanda. It's so appreciated.
I am 59 years old. I hope that at some point I can get over having a narcissistic mother.
Let's all 'like' this video & show some love ❤️
How kind!
She already drained me. But did she? Or did I? This reactive abuse is precisely the reason I feel that I’m the narcissist instead. I’m always “asking permission” to THINK for myself!
I am currently waking up in a situation where I internalized the notion that I had to ask for permission to think outside the boundaries of their controlled controlling weird reality. I was talking to a friend (who is farther down the road in this) because I was scared that I had become a narcissist in the unhealthy 26 yr relationship. He said no, narcissist don’t make narcissists, they make unhealthy codependents. I have learned to see and accept this person as a mentally ill, sick person that I’m not going to change. Helps me not react to the sick one liners that get thrown on me from time to time (ok a minimum of when ever we’re in the same room). A constant fight of crap that isn’t real.
(1.) Heavy need for control
(2.) Heavily defensive
(3.) Way to appeasing
(4.) On going secrets
(5.) Chronic sense of Anger, Protest, Rebellion , Slurs
Individualize
(1.) Remind I have a separate self
(2.) Declare Freedom
(3.) Identify the trends that held you back.
(4.) Identify your better self
My own path away was a result of non-resistance. It featured me being who I am and not being bullied into reacting like someone I was not. I enjoyed the onset of peace, even though I was presented with turmoil. I would not fight, for that takes two. The most exasperation I ever got was when I would simply smile at the antics. I noticed, but said nothing.
I’ll likely be on another “errand of mercy” when this one premieres. But I won’t miss it. Many times, the IRL opportunities with friends take a priority. Especially since I know this will be available later. Thanks, Dr. C, for making my life choices easier.
Agreed, Aaron. My breakthrough came when I stopped reacting which gave me the space to step back and see the bigger picture. I took the high road and refused to engage.
@@lacecurtainirishI couldn't have put it better myself!!!
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you for that. The support and validation I’ve received from you and others in this community has been invaluable. ❤️
The thought of smiling at their antics makes me smile. 😊 I like that 😅🎉
I am making my own new path. I am enjoying my simpler, more peaceful life. I am no longer in her control games and defenses. I no longer need to prove, rationalize, and justify myself. I can just be.
"I know better than where that narcissist wants to lead me" 😊❤
Very difficult when children are involved.
I found radical acceptance to be the way. It was hard. Especially since no contact wasn't and still isn't possible. So I had to do the healing while new attacks were happening.
Still, I managed to return to my true self and am happy. They can rage, they can scheme, they can violate my boundaries....it is exhausting sometimes but it doesn't concern me too much. Grey stoning, accepting they will never change...and honestly, a lot has changed since I am treating them with the same attitude I would treat a 3 year old. That way I speak to their (sadly very broken and depressed) inner child. It works. It isn't what I wished for but works way better than trying to speak to them as the 30sth they are...
❤
Or 60ish
Yes, you are so right. I had to accept the fact that I was born into a n family and ended up marrying a narcissist. I have recovered my health now. Active narcissistic abuse is not possible for them anymore because I have the knowledge of the tactics. Yes, you can see narcissist as 3 year old , but there is a malignant side and they do mature on the cognitive level. Treating the narcissist like a little child can be tricky , because he will notice it (unless he has a low IQ) , enjoy the attention and call you childish behind your back.
@@mariaawake4502 Thanks , I will be wary . Underestimating a narcissist leaves a person vulnerable
@@mariaawake4502 I would treat him at different ages randomly. When he was 2 or 3, I'd do 7 or 8. If he was 7 or 8, I'd do a 5. When I didn't know which level to
use I'd pray and it always helped. And afterwards I didn't think about it. Just went back to what I was doing or going to do. Hope this will be helpful .
Enough is enough! I cut all ties 4 years ago and have not regret that decision for one second. Although I still live in fear, (complex ptsd) I am hugely relieved.
I managed to walk away, eventually, from 2 forms of narcissistic abuse. 1 from my ex husband 18 yrs ago and 1 from my stepfather 4 yrs ago. But the real skill that Dr.C and Team Healthy has taught me is to navigate the wobbly pathway through the rest of my life and make some sense of the past, present and future. I'm still learning.
Thank you 🙏
Amanda, I’m so grateful for your presence here. I’ve seen the wobble, but what makes me smile most, is that you offer an arm of friendship to another wobbly straggler and become a support, because their wobble is worse right now.
I really respect your efforts, Amanda!!
@aaronkwolfe Thank-you Aaron. At the end of the day, it's what we do. It's not about the self centre. It's the outer circle 👍
You and me both, Sister.🫂💜
@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks, Doc! I'm grateful for your continued support and that of Team Healthy 🙏
"Away from the narcissists trauma bond" Dr C. Words of wisdom and poetry for my soul
Excellent Doc! Oh, yeah. Constantly walking on eggshells, appeasing, dealing with dug-in heels/power struggles/win-lose situations, hoping they will grow up and things would get better. They destroy you if you don't call it quits. They aren't worth the effort for the sake of the breadcrumbs they throw you. You become like them: very angry. There gets to be so little reward for trying to sustain a "relationship" with someone who doesn't know how to have an equitable relationship that you no longer enjoy anything about them. You go away feeling very sad and empty. I prefer to spend my time now with friends who show that they value me and my company, and who make me feel I am safe with them.
So blessed to find you Dr C just in time. He left and found his wealthy enablers. My life is not financially easy but i am alive and learning. His choices killed him
He is now ashes. I'm a Phoenix. And humble to be alive. I have learned so much! Much gratitude. 🌹
Thanks, Nancy!!
Staying in any relationship with a narcissist is a formula for disaster. Thank you for your cool, calm and collected wisdom dr Carter 😊 God bless you ❤
Trauma bonding feels like an addiction. It's all I've ever known so it's been hard to finally kick the habit of returning to the cycle of abuse.
It is tough keeping above water sometimes, as I keep on trying to rationalise the fact that I didn't realise I was in a game, and playing a character that I didn't sign up for. It is shocking. Hearing your suggestions and validations remind me of my humanity and autonomy. Thanks Dr. C and Gus.
I'm "doggy paddling!" Hi Gus!
Dr.Carter, I love your sense of humor & truth & knowledge & wisdom. You're a really good instructor. Thank you kind sir!
You are very welcome!
I am committed to being my best me.
I'll second that motion!
I like how you not only identify with the damage created by the narcissist but you also offer actual plans and suggestions
I figured out the narc in my life and she knows it. Therefore we talk about the weather and simple things I have to give her credit for stopping drugs and alcohol still I don't trust her bc of how she lied about me and raged at me and took advantage of me in the past.....mutual truce is where we are
It was so unhealthy, and I cannot believe I could not see it happening at the time as I was suppressing and compromising to keep relationship. That was NOT relating, it was enabling unhealthy behavior and it troubled my spirit greatly. I was so drained after any conversation. This is so helpful to review our own competence, freedom and capabilities to choose our own pace.
Hey Gus. I chose to rest today too.🍀S
A good day to rest. Stay cool inside.
I found that there's several ways to separate. Physically is a great start, 1,000 miles is good. Too far to "be there in a few hours." Caller ID, oh yeah.
And mentally. My epiphany was when I saw that mom wanted everything from me, and that trying -- never, ever succeeding -- in meeting her demands would kill me. First my joy, then my reasoning, then my heart, then my life. Very harsh, very obvious, very sad, very necessary. If I were to, had the outrageous audacity to, live my life. And then the many, weary, steps to, as Dr. C says, walk away mentally and emotionally. Many, many times.
I doubt that they, parents, ever forgave me. Yet unquestionably, life without them, hobbled and damaged and all, has been so much better than it would have been with them. I weary of the work. But would not do differently.
Thank you Dr. C, for your kind and wise work. There's a lot to do.
I had a daughter come back into my life only to have her clearly reveal her extreme narcissistic nature pretty dern quickly. I was done. And she was done with me. It amazes me to hear, in the likes of this video from wonderful Dr. C, there are apparently so many narc victims who never learned to be strong within themselves. I hope each and every one wakes up and becomes the person hidden away within. Many blessings ❤🔥
It's so hard to discover you have an alternative path when you were born into a trauma bond. Bless you and thank you for your work. Hugs to Gus xxx
Dr Les. Do extreme narcissits actually enjoy hurting people. There's vindictivness, but then theres literal enjoyment or pleasure from the idea of or even actually harming others? Particularly those who refuse them.
Yes, it a perverse mindset as they become sadistic.
If they are constantly fighting you and criticizing you they can't feel the horrible doubts they have they don't think about how sick they are they don't have to think about how weak they are how totally inadequate they are
I saw the snickering with my own eyes and still didn’t want to believe it. Its hard to accept these people for who they really are.
@@tbunnyshy1 yep, I feel the same. But acceptance can free us. We don't have to carry the horror and disgust of it.
Thank you for your reply, Dr Les.
My mother was a victim of this, and by her, I was trauma bonded. She has passed. It's a mess.
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes):
1:30 The narcissist wants you to think that they stand for what is normal. In the process, you wind up losing yourself.
1:40 I want to talk about some things that would indicate that you are in a trauma bond with a narcissist.
2:10 Narcissists have a heavy need for control. There are ongoing control battles. You are too strongly in their grasp. Narcissists are heavily defensive. As a result, you wind up being heavily defensive too. Part of their defense is a strategic offense in which they come at you with shaming statements. You wind up justifying who you are. That's not natural or healthy, but when in an ongoing relationship with a narcissist, that becomes part of their normalizing process with you. You find yourself being way too appeasing. You suppress much of your own emotion and legitimacy. There are elements of secrets on both sides. Narcissists have things about themselves that they don't want you to know, such as behaviors and their life history. There is a chronic sense of anger. There are smears.
4:20 All of these ingredients go into the relationship and become the norm. I'm hoping there comes a time when you decide this is crazy and don't want it to be your standard of living. To take a path away from the narcissist's trauma bond, you are going to need to learn to individualize your own personal efforts and decide who you are going to be despite what this narcissistic individual says you are supposed to be.
5:05 There are 6 steps I'm going to walk you through. It involves your thought process, which will lead to behavioral and communication adjustments. Break free. Make your own path away from that narcissist.
5:20 FIRST - Remind yourself, "I have a separate and distinct self." That is so essential because the narcissist wants to drain you of yourself. They want to fill you. "I don't have to be what the narcissist says I'm supposed to be."
5:50 SECOND - Declare within yourself, and live into, the whole notion of freedom. "I have the freedom to be who I am." "I don't have to filter my thoughts and decisions through the narcissist." "I don't have to live according to their fixed agenda that they keep reminding me of over and over." "I don't have to ask them permission to be what I am."
6:40 THIRD - Identify the trends that have held you back from becoming your separate self. You don't have to participate in defending yourself.
7:10 FOUR - Identify your better, healthy alternatives. "Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe? What are my priorities? What are my values? What are my standards?" Then, lean into that. "I'm going to decide that if the narcissist chooses to be angry, that's on them. I don't feel the need to go toe-to-toe with them." (MY NOTE: Their anger is INTENDED to provoke a response. Don't give it to them.) If the narcissist says something that is harsh and mean, don't plead your case. Determine, "I am who I am. I know what my alternatives are. I'm not going to let that unhealthy person establish my pace emotionally." (MY NOTE: The desire to match pace is about a desire to connect. It is not a good idea to try to connect with a narcissist, particularly when they are trying to manipulate you into connecting in a defensive, one-down way. Just because they are trying to imply that their is a possibility of things getting better doesn't mean that is true. Explaining yourself won't make things better, it just gives them ammo. There is no real connection, in a healthy sense, and you can't create one. Walking away from a narcissist is not walking away from a relationship; it's walking away from someone who only thinks of themself.)
8:05 FIFTH - Come to terms with what you are going to do with the narcissist's contributions in your life. They contribute control and anger and all that. "This person is emotionally damaged and I can't let them be in charge of me." You may decide to go no contract. If that's not possible, go grey rock. Go into assertiveness and establish healthy boundaries.
9:20 SIXTH - Go back to your basics. Focus on characteristics like love, respect, honor, decency, healthy initiatives, making healthy connections with people who are kind & good, and having an on-going commitment toward self-care.
10:00 "I lost myself." Let's lean into the better alternative. Start with the notion, "I love who I am." You are singularly unique; don't let the narcissist take that away from you.
10:20 Anyone who perpetuates narcissism clearly does not understand love.
10:35 Refrain from defending yourself. You've already done that way too much. It's ok to simply be you and if the narcissist doesn't like that, it's ok.
10:50 Check your propensity for cynicism. There is evil in the world, but good still exists too. Be an ambassador for good. Encourage others.
11:40 Sometimes you will still be triggered with anger or fear. Rather than shaming yourself for that, which is what the narcissist does, allow for it but don't let it become the norm. Let yourself be human. Ask yourself, "What is my anger or bitterness or confusion trying to tell me?"
12:00 Carve out plenty of time for you to find your peace and joy. Find activities that will substantiate those kinds of ingredients. Build on the courage to be true to yourself.
12:15 As you take a path away from the narcissist, that person is going to scoff and tell you that you don't know what you're doing. Your true self baffles their false self. "I know better than where that narcissist wants to lead me."
14:00 The narcissist, because of their craving for power, wants you to stay attached to them. I'm hoping you can decide that that is a formula for not-good living. "I'm not playing along with that. I have my own separate self. I'm going to lean into that and discover that as fully and as thoroughly as I can." It's going to be an ongoing discovery process.
very helpful, thank you !
Thanks for letting me know!
@@marthawhite3353
I tried to make some boundaries with my daughter regarding what I do for her I'm going there to care for my Grandson. She wants me to do all her household chores like laundry, dishes, and anything else she wants while she stays in her bedroom the whole time I'm there. She doesn't talk to me. Doesn't greet me when I get or say goodbye. She never calls me Mom. Well now I have to give up my 3 year old that I rIsed for 3 years . Also she just gave birth too. I'm finally OK with this.
I cut off all negative attachments, permanently.
Never me inviting any of these people back, stalkers.
Luckily, I did not lose myself
“Be an ambassador for good” YES! That is EXACTLY what I attempt to do. EXACTLY what I choose as a response to this whole experience! Add goodness to this world to combat all the evil. ✝️
I'm going to buy a notebook, I need to write these steps & start saving so I can get away. If I had the funds I'd already been gone.
They have attached an Apple AirTag to my vehicle and call up the store, pharmacy, etc and smear me, providing that tiny bit of believe-ability that so many are willing to act on.
It's so strange that my narc wanted me to be responsible by raising our daughter, taking care of the house, and paying the bills. He wanted to be busy while he was still controlling and along as I was doing things his way. When I would veer away he would be angry and and throw a temper tantram.
Boy could I have been saved from all the chaos my husband created over the last 50 yrs of our marriage if I had known all this stuff…. I hate it so much when I have to keep reminding myself how awful a person he is, why is that? I write these hurts down and I still keep remembering the good part of him I married and then I want to cringe and die knowing that I will be leaving him! So many hurts in this type of relationship omg!!!
Thank you Dr Carter for your help and guidance.
You are very welcome
Surviving situations & relationships with narcissists is literally impossible without these incredibly powerful healers like Doctor C, I’m here to stay and I cannot tell you the positive changes that have occurred in my life since I found you doc, my gratitude is unending🙏
Thanks Dr. C, my spouse and I decided to sell the house, pack up our belongings, put the pets in the car, drive across the country and fly us all to Hawaii. This took 6 months of planning and we arrived four days ago. Fresh start and clean slate away from Narc’s and abusive family. We decided this was the best course of action, to be in a place that makes us both happy and carve out a life we both want for each other. Here’s to the next 30-40 years!
What happens Doctor Carter 🥰 when it's a whole bunch of Narcissistists helping each other-?(narcissism is contagious and there are families who are narcissistic. . .)
Thank you. My family situation. Most of my relationships are with narcissists.
@@rw5048 I totally understand 🥰 , I also end up attracting narcissistists , and then I think 🤔 it's my fault but it is not , I think Doctor Carter understands how to help with this problem 🙂♥️
I am in a Narcissistic system, hell on earth
@@schizorap it's like walking in a circle your whole life
As I watched this video I realized I just watched something that very well might be life-saving advice for me right now... Thank you, Dr. Carter, for taking the time to offer help to those of us who have "lost ourselves"... your videos have become so important in my life.
Glad it was helpful!
I have lost myself but am going to find my way back. Your videos are more than life giving Doc and I am so grateful to you.
Never mind having all the usual feelings of resentment and bitterness I was starting to feel hatred and that scared me a lot.
Get home after my chemotherapy session, lying down for a bit and get barked at "what's for dinner?" It was pure hatred I felt in my heart. I had lost who I was.
Now I feel really sorry for my poor husband who is a hypochondriac anyway as he let's me know almost every day that he thinks he's also got cancer. Darn it, it would almost be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
Thank you, thank you so much for sharing with all of us and literally saving us.
God bless you and keep you safe ❤
Thank you Doctor ❤ Wrote down every word!!! I’ve been five months no contact from a sociopath I was with for six months. Worst six months of my life and I realize the trauma bond happened just two weeks after I met him. Most disgusting human being I’ve ever met. Thank you for your work! Much appreciated ❤ I’m Free and FREE TO BE ME!!!
As I pulled out of my driveway for the last time, I threw my hands in the air and yelled, "Free at last, free at last." One of the happiest moments in my life.
@@dgvfsa66❤❤❤ It feel wonderful doesn’t it!!??
God continue to bless you and deliver you as He did me!!!
Had a very similar situation, also with a sociopath (or wherever they are on the spectrum). And when you finally get to escape, you then have to go through a whole smear campaign that was set up since the early days with anyone you had in common. I was lucky that those people didn't matter in my case, but it was still mind-boggling how everyone just sides with such an obvious liar. He spread my pictures to everyone he knew, too. And in spite of even that, I was still the bad guy. It's been over half a year and I'm still being stalked online.
The whole thing has made me reconsider getting close to anyone, as I feel so much better on my own now, free to be myself. It turns out that I don't need anyone, and by the time you realise who those people are, it's already too late. Not worth the risk.
Mental healthcare and my therapist told me that my Ex is mentally ill.
Sounds as if you're fortunate you have a therapist who will be honest with you 😊
I Have A Separate Self i have the freedom to be who i am🙂
He chases you, approaching you like an attacker at every turn. One cannot be on UA-cam without having to deal with this person. Yes, sometimes one laugh, one is considerate, one withdraw from all social networks, one has only UA-cam, and he is still there. I thought one might as well consider this person as any other being nice as it would not affect but he drowns his presence. I do not know this man personally and I am sorry to see this creature crawling like an injured beast, everywhere and all the time.
Thank you so much. My son was diagnosed with narcissism. I had to break up with him. After many years of humiliating me (and his father). It makes me sad that it had to come to this but I have the support of my personal therapist. Your videos help me a lot.
Thank you so much for your wisdom, Dr. Carter. My ideas around an "ideal" relationship and my anger and sense of betrayal keep me attached to the narcissist. But on good days, I feel a real sense of dignity and calm. The desperation to confront is almost gone. That's peace.
I need to come back to this video everyday for a while. After 10 years my covert narcissist wife is leaving me. I should be overjoyed but the trauma is all I can focus on. I put more than everything I had into the relationship only to be discarded for some new guy so easily. Its devastating to say the least at times.
I have been in an environment which felt like a group of beasts growling and grunting and seething with anger and if I had gotten myself into that place, somehow they will all attack me!!!.. And direct their anger for each other towards me 🤢just because they could!
Narcissistic abuse and behavior has so many faces and it's nauseous when it's coming from the family.
It's so sofisticated
As the great philosopher Popeye The Sailor says: “I am what I am and that’s all that I am”. Simple, direct and to the point.
Well said!
I wish so much I could do online therapy, I need to talk to someone so bad with what I'm experiencing, So many times I needed it.
I did not have you when I was a child or when I literally married into a similar situation without the physical abuse just the mental abuse that I am currently still in. You have made all the difference in the world to me. Today was a Godsend as I was in the middle of everything you brought up. Thank you for all you do!❤ I cannot thank you enough as I continue on my path!❤
You just made my day. I'm so pleased you are figuring it out and that I get to be on the path with you.
Thank you for helping me through Dr. I'm 2 years removed from the coworker who made my life so dark. I still listen to you to gain from your wisdom, I'm in a great place physically and emotionally now. Thank you
Thank you, Dr. C! Have a wonderful weekend!
Thanks, so far so good!
My narc boss keeps setting me up by not telling me information I need to do my job so that she can reprimand me and humiliate me when I make my decisions based on the knowledge I have. Then I am forced to defend my methods and it's a big argument. This happens maybe 5=6 times a day. Meanwhile, I heard her with her 'favourite'..Oh, we've made a change on how we do this. From now on you'll need to do it this way...." With me it's ambush. Every. Single. Time. I'm always waiting for the next tirade and explosion due to changing goal posts I'm never told about. Now she has one of her minions pulling the same stunt. Withholding info, then exploding on me when I'm doing me job the way I've always done it.
Thanks Dr C! Very helpful, as I am in the middle of “ next gen Narcissism.” May I be true to myself 🙏🏼💪🏼❤️
I can’t like this video enough. This is one of the best videos I have ever watched.
So pleased for you.
The abusive narcissists in my life are my 4 sisters-in-law and going no contact with them is my path to peace and healing. Fortunately, my husband supports this path. But the challenge is that he still wants to maintain some contact with them. I can't control my husband, but I can control what I allow into the safe place I've worked so hard to create.
Another thought.....Walking Away From The Narcissist to me is turning and walking towards a life that is filled with lots of peace, joy and love. Restoration of myself as I was before the toxic relationships is looking pretty good!!
Pleased for you, Elaine!
I just experienced a typical situation that just struck me so differently after watching so many of your videos. They have been so enlightening to me after being with the same partner for 45 years, 36 of them married. I had juat been very active akin skiing then shovelling snow for 2 and 1/2 hours and just recovering from some odd virus after coming inside I grabbed a banana at 5:00 p.m. and I was questioned as to why I would be consuming a banana at this strange time 😂. Silence and a long stare was my respinse.
Thank you Dr. C for helping me to identify and understand the narcissist in my family. I broke free 7 years ago and didn't understand why... I only knew I needed distance to heal.
Understanding trauma bonding is a game changer. Bless you for the guidance you freely offer. Cheers.
being a a narcissist mother's son.....abuse was normalized...i am also a narcissist i became one she made me belive abuse is love....was a conditional relationship....abused my ex....it is hard to live like these...i am fearful that i will not heal i don't know me and i am her puppet...feel suicidal just don't want to live in this trauma and restless mind....i don't want to carry forward this disorder i don't want to marry and abuse my own child.....feeling hopeless😞😞😞😞😞
I have a favorite song from the movie Harriet. Stand up! Let me lead my people to the other side. I love it. The greater good and a sense of ME.
Best way to deal with a narcissist .. any narcissist .. even in family - tell them to nick of !! Don't beat around the bush. They hate it when you don't defer to their needs.
I love watching your podcasts! Thank you for helping me understand NPD. I needed you for the last three years. Two years were trying to understand what I was dealing with and a year of healing.
So pleased!!
I am so blessed to be the benefactor, the inheritor of such goodness, and knowledge shared from our Dr. C. I'm so grateful to you for sharing your work.
Hey, Team Healthy give a listen to "Feel Like This", a song by Ingrid Andres....there is hope!
Listened. Approve. Thx, Nancy. Now I need to think.
Thanks Nancy 🤗
Dr. C.....I say Thank you once more. I just got through listening to this wonderfully helpful video. I continue to heal One Day At A Time.. As you spoke of hoping that we who are in recovery I was praying for the very attributes that you spoke of. Being an encourager to others and restoring ourselves to our original selves before the Narcissist showed up in our lives. Remembering how being happy felt and joyful. Looking forward to each new day. I can finally do that again. And that required patience with myself and taking myself out from under the microscope. Accepting me with flaws, warts and all. Thank you again...I love your positive encouraging attitude.
Moving forward with a SMILE in North Carolina.
Thanks, Elaine!!
Sometimes I feel like picking up the phone and telling them exactly how they made me feel and all the wrong they did so they could just understand… even though I know it would achieve nothing or probably create such a massive drama and yet another traumatic experience
What you feel is reasonable, yet it would be like banging your head against the proverbial brick wall.
Hi Dr. Carter. I wish I had had this teaching in 2022. That's when my caregiver was giving me the blues in a very subtle form. I sensed we were in a power struggle. Then in 2022, December came the discard. She did not even want me to bless her with any severance pay. It was pretty brutal when she dumped me. And I still struggle with the ramifications of searching for another caregiver. Going forward I will remember these clues you have taught her. In addition I am in therapy. The best to you and Gus.
"Be an ambassador for good."
Thank you for video 📹 Dr. C.
Hi Gus, 🧡x 🦴 🐕 🐾🐾 🧡o
I was so upset with an individual's behavior these last four years! Then, Thanks to Dr. Carter's information about what defines a Covert Malignant Narcissist, I discovered this person had all 38 traits! I am relieved to discover I was not crazy! I also now have tremendous compassion for this individual in understanding that he has a legitimate mental condition that he can not heal from. Though we have friends in common, I am able to not be in his physical presence when around these friends. Some of my friends are his flying monkeys however, so I take personal responsibility to make sure I am not in their physical presence as well. Glad to say I am feeling so much better. I am very grateful for Dr. Carter!
I told some people because I have no interest in being in a forced on me relation with a random narc who began to stalk me. I rather be without threats and insult too. Lets hope it ends it. Smear slander and attempts of emotional abuse.
In my experience, trauma occurs when one loses their identity as their own actions are against their own nature and they cannot reconcile that image of themself with the image they held. Narcissists can indeed cause trauma in others. If this trauma comes to define you and if you cannot be anything but the new identity of a traumatized victim of narcissistic abuse; then you are bonded to the trauma.
Therein lies the trauma and the bond. Now, take the narcissist out of the picture; it is this attempt to reconcile the trauma with yourself and your attempt to free yourself from the definitions imposed by narcissistic individuals, from victimhood and trauma that breaks the bond, to define one's self in other terms, yet to incorporate those painful past events into a coherent whole.
Whether one feels whole and healthy with a coherent story is the goal, to come to terms with one's true feelings and to accept oneself as they are rather than the stories others tell. It takes courage and self-compassion, it takes freeing oneself from the controlling definition imposed upon us by narcissistic individuals, it takes facing oneself and supporting the "child" we all are at heart. It takes becoming "you" by relieving the inner conflict elicited by narcissistic conflicts. It is a choice and a process.
Trauma needn't be a life sentence, even as pain can define us. It is the "bigger picture" that frees us from the bond, to expand one's view and expand one's world beyond a narrow definition. It may require help, but it is possible, and every new day is a breaking of the bond, every moment outside the trauma is a step towards easing, recovery and health.
I hope this helps, but certainly there are many paths to recovery. What works sometimes needn't necessarily work every time nor for everyone.
Good morning 🌞
Do I ever need this today 🙏😇💝
Pleased!!
Its exhausting but I love me and thanks to you, I see him for what he is. Wish I was financially able to leave but at 72, my means are limited.
As I'm watching these videos trying to recover from the scars of abuse inflicted by my narcissistic mother, sister, and husband of 35 years, I find myself watching Gus. His only concern is whether to switch positions on the couch.
I have been listening to Dr C for a few years and in each video he always manages to say something new !
All of your videos are powerful and enlightening, but this one is SO ESSENTIAL and VITAL! THANK YOU for all of your work and your commitment to growing TEAM HEALTHY. I - and so many others - are so grateful!
Thank you Dr Carter for this hope-filled video with lots of practical suggestions. I really appreciate your empathy and understanding, here in this video, and in many others.
Yes thank you ! So true I remember as a young young child my personality and my parent or parent's who displayed these toxic traits were a mismatch. I have memories as early as 4 part of me understood things did not add up. I did as much as I could to ignore, and remain unresponsive. My family members noticed and were not happy, but they were going to be unhappy no matter what!