A Guide to Self Transformation
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2023
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“One of the strangest and most tantalising ideas in psychotherapy is that of the ‘repetition compulsion.’ This tells us that, as a result of certain traumas that have not been properly understood and unpicked, we will be inclined to keep putting ourselves back into, and in effect re-enacting, difficult situations from the past that run counter to our emotional needs in the present…”
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"It's no coincidence that people who had angry parents often end up choosing angry partners, that those with alcoholic parents are frequently drawn to partners who drink quite a bit, or that those who had withdrawn or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are withdrawn or critical. Why people do this to themselves? Because we pull towards that feeling of "home" makes what they want as adults hard to disentangle from what they experienced as children. They have an uncanny attraction to people who share the characteristics of a parents who in some way hurt them. In the beginning, these characteristics will be barely perceptible, but the unconscious has a finely tuned radar system inaccessible to the conscious mind. It's not that people want to get hurt again. It's that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. Freud called this "repetition compulsion." Maybe this time, the unconscious imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiar - but new. The only problem is, by choosing familiar partners, people guarantee the opposite result: they reopen the wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable." Lori Gottlieb
And how do we break out of it?
Depth analysis,... Plum and confront childhood trauma is the way off the ' ouroborus'.
is this from any book in particular? love to know the source material
IFS suggests reparenting or rescripting in the presence of a therapist 🎉❤
Very well written.
I have to say that I fell for the trap more than once in romantic relationships. 😢 I knew the concept too, but just didn't apply it to myself.
".. attempting to give it a different ending." Damn this makes so much sense😢
Finally this theme males sense. Therapists, psychologists have left off the fundamental part that makes it all make sense! It's the trying to create a different ending, the rectification. None of it made sense until this video. Such a simple vital piece! Thank you
You've never been to a therapist. This stuff is taught as basic material. Plenty of root causes are explained. It puts the patient at ease to know. And if you simply request it, your therapist will patiently go through it with you at a pace you'd like.
@thanhavictus there seems absolutely no point to your comment whatsoever. Is it a flex to go to a therapist? Also I'm sure psychotherapists don't all practices this modality so you're wrong.
@@lalunalee1 Yep. He's wrong.
Yeah it's a flex to go to a therapist; means you're a human to has taken intentional action towards healing with the support of an experienced professional. And this is often a basic philosophy in therapy, yes, albeit you are right that not all practices this modality.@@lalunalee1
I have been in therapy off and on for twenty years and have not once heard anything like this from a therapist.
Yes. At 67 I still spend too much time being angry about my childhood. Funny it took me almost as long to realize that I AM an angry person. I finally realized I had to forgive my mother if I was ever going to be able to forgive myself.
😮
Same.
You are not alone.
I am trying to figure out how to move on.
Too relatable. It's hard to forgive when you have to spend your whole adult life trying to heal.
Yeah
I hope, that i can also forgive my mom in the future
My mother was, and still is, very emotionally immature. She couldn't take care of me other than the basics of feeding me, dressing me, and such. She always expected that I knew better than her somehow, or else she would throw tantrums, hit me, yell at me, and put me down. I grew up feeling I was responsible for her. I did not know why I always ended up with emotionally immature guys. I just recently tied the dots on this. Working on healing this 😢
Taking care of yourself instead of others? Already a win ❤ similar here and I’m learning to play because I couldn’t before. wishing the best for you
@@invisiblehands4000damn. I hope you heal brother.
My father was the same too, and I’m realizing my daddy issues are so crystal clear in my relationships. I just want you to know that you are always worthy of love and what our parent(s) failed to cater to, we will be better and our faults lay nonexistent. I am struggling to heal too, but to know I’m not alone of course brings spirit and hope in the heart.
You can't fix people. People need to want to fix themselves. My good ending is leaving those who are toxic and being with lovely, supportive people. Friends are the family you choose- and being an adult- one can choose wisely.
Totally. His different ending just sounds like white knighting. It’s still not a healthy path.
I am so glad that I ended a lifetime of self-neglect and identified the little abandoned child in me who’s left face down in the mud ever since 2010.
And I’m just getting started.
This came out right when I needed it
Even for me too
So it's not just a blind search for familiarity, but for closure. That might make sense at a first, but the problem (at least in the examples we've seen here) is that the closure depends on the effect you have on someone else (which is gonna be limited, and might not be as powerful as you want to). I think a different (better/easier) way of achieving that closure is realizing you were not guilty for your childhood traumas (that was a vulnerable period of your life where you were stuck with people you didn't even choose to be with), and that you don't have the responsibility for "fixing" everyone around you (and often times, that's not even a feasible option).
yes....when u have suffered enough from someone for eg from someone who is emotionally distant in my childhood...the first and foremost thing that I would want is to heal myself and accept what happened in the past ..learn from my past traumas ...my mistakes and accept my adulthood as growing phase where I can become a better person .... lastly I would want to be in the company of a warm , compassonate and kind soul ....and would never look for that familiar pattern of my past with someone I want to be with ...that would be my freedom ..:)
Grew up with and emotionally distant narcissistic mother who never saw me grow or saw my achievements or ever praised me when am good at something and as an adult i kept attracting emotionally distant partners. After 2 kids I could see how i will be hurting my children if i continue in that sort of relationship so am healing myself and embracing my single life and enjoying every moment with my kids.
This helps tremendously to be able to heal from any trauma by first understanding it.
And you make that clear in a couple minutes, in a very practical way, thank you! 💚
Greetings from Mexico
this reminds me of a later stage of addiction, where one would try to get barely-conscious-intoxicated yet again for seemingly no reason, but when you dig deeper, they actually wanted to prove that this time they wouldn't end up doing something extremely dangerous
word salad
@@dr.ligmahnutts2993 Not word salad. They're reminded of late stage addiction, in which a person might try to prove that they can control their behavior while abusing substances. In the end they cannot, and it is baffling to onlookers.
yeah this is another word salad, i just find it strange when psuedo intellectuals do this, addicts do drugs...and you dont know why...what an observation lmao
@@heatherdorsey4729
The meaning to this pattern explained in this video is way better than most saying a certain type of person is familiar to us so therefore we search for that. But here they add the 2nd chance to the explanation instead of just only the familiarity. So helpful!!
This video is so good! I already watched it like 7 times.
I was just trying to understand why someone I know seems to always be attracted to abusive partners. It’s so easy to just assume they are a bad judge of character. But as I thought about that it really doesn’t make sense.
Absolutely true . In my case, my happy ending is building myself up into a better version of myself(not waiting for anyone else),freeing myself up from whatever's not good for me.
And not being engaged in anything one-sided(bcoz its not sincereity,but stupidity).Leaving the ones who arent good for me(not supportive,toxic,manipulating,gaslighting), but only adding and keeping those who care for me and are good for my growth.
Me, me, me..keep searching, nothing is really fix about you
This wont help you at all. Community and connection is the only way to happiness. Neuroscience proves this and everything else is just trendy psychobabble.
@@mojeprice9654youre arguing semantics, commenter never said anything about not wanting community. She said she wants something not one-sided, so she does want community, but something that can also benefit her as to not be one-sided.
What a brilliant concept in two minutes. Thanks Alain for a wonderful start to the day.
Yes!
Simply put.
Yes. That's it! ❤
Me every day after listening to Alain: "How can we keep him for eternity?" Perhaps a ridiculous question because there is no eternity for our living physical selves as a human species. But the question is not meant to seek an answer to what is being asked. It is to emphasize that Alain is a profound thinker who addresses issues otherwise seen as "obvious" (I read one of his critiques) but have profound influence on our lives for the very fact that we sometimes take them as obvious which leads us to neglecting them and then ruining us.
I am in my early 30's and a few years back I took an interest in Philosophy and Psychology as tools for my everyday life. And the number one thinker of our time whose ideas I read, watch, listen to is Alain; because of his focus on everyday matters which was also my focus.
May the wisdom that Alain and the SOL preach go as far as it can reach and, more importantly, impact the lives of as many people as possible.
Yeah. I mean possibly true. But you're a fawner. Why excessively praise the author/philosopher/academic etc instead of the idea itself.The point of philosophy & psychology ideas, videos, theories etc are the ideas, theories etc...not the people. No one needs a messiah complex and fawners are a huge reason those exist.
@@goldmidwest It does not matter whether I am perceived as a fawner or something, because it is irrelevant to the truth of the matter. I am allowed to celebrate the greatness of an individual's intelligence (just as we still celebrate the greatness of numerous early or medieval philosophers). It is really that straightforward. We must not cling to pride as to never recognise how great in thinking others are in the deceit of not wanting to appear as exuding the "Messiah complex" . Thanks.
You realise this is his idea though? This is just him paraphrasing Freud
@@goldmidwestIve always had a culty feel to this channel ever since they posted that retreat to the forest. Most of the videos are also heavily biased and some videos weirdly obsessed with sex.
The projection is real@@winzyl9546
My entire love life in a nutshell! And the reason why my marriages didn't work. I have been chasing the same feeling, and this video exposed me in less than 5 minutes! Thank you 😊
Most profound episode yet.God bless and Thank you so much.
This is a brilliant take on that phenomenon and extremely well explained. Thank you for re-framing the need to repeat as an urge that is creative and hopeful instead of masochistic or self-destructive. ❤
Emotionally compromised! Excellent phrase!
You've hit the nail on the head. This is pretty much the bulk of OCD and GAD. Seeking out the same problem and trying again and again to solve it without changing the methods or steps. Instead of Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) we end up doing Exposure and Response Repetition (ERR, hehe, almost as if it says Error). Connecting this Repeater part of the brain / mind to the thinking part of the brain / mind is the hardest thing to do in OCD. The parts keep doing things out of sync with each other, where you can think out the solution clearly with your slow thinking brain every few minutes or hours or days, but your fast thinking is in such a life-or-death haste that it repeats and repeats and repeats but does not listen to the slow thinking brain's analysis. If you are a good self-observer, you can clearly both brains doing their thing independently and get endlessly frustrated as to how you are so dumb and stupid as to not connect the conclusion from one healthy part of your brain to the other suffering in an endless loop.
For good measure, the repeater part of your brain / mind is so deep inside, so far back behind your seat of self / sense of where you are located in the body that you have physically push your consciousness (sense of you) to the physical back of your head to pull yourself out of the dark tunnel / pit.
Most anxiety disorders are 95% neurochemical and only 5% psychological. That's why medicines work.
And that's why you get relapses due to temperature changes, poor health due to other sicknesses, change in sunlight / light and dark exposure, change in diet, change in pollution, presence of allergens, change in physical comfort and so on.
Again and again this channel is bringing out the not discovered psychological aspects which we keep wondering about but has not information on it. Its f awesome
You are brilliant and a gem to humanity, Alain!
Very well put- thank you. A lot of those issues in our childhoods are of course invisible to us which makes changing our automatic ways of living later on in life SO tricky! I guess if something repeats itself and feels wrong then it’s time to take a long hard look!
What I mostly heard in this matter was „change your patterns” of repeating the story. Find someone who you find boring and not attractive at first, because it’s probable they do not carry this luggage. So… Yes, I feel this point was missing :)
I spent decades in repetition compulsion before I finally got it. I knew there was something wrong in my childhood but I had no memory of anything "traumatic."
Turns out, gaslighting people is abusive, traumatic. All those screaming teenage fights with my mom? She had been bulldozing my reality, I had valid points the entire time. My family treated me as if I was wicked, I had timeouts and groundings and never got to pick anything, because I refused to go along with what I knew to be untrue.
And the more they virtue signaled, the harder I strived to always be honest and perceptive, I really wanted to be "good," and I didn't realize that it wasn't an attainable goal, that virtue was being used as a tactic to shame me. According to their assertions, I thought I was doing as I was told. I never understood how it was possible that I was working so much harder than they seemed to be at virtues and "being good," and yet I *could not* succeed.
I didn't understand how they were able to express preferences without being offensive, and I somehow couldn't find the correct words. When I expressed preferences, they weren't valid. I was treated as if I should know everything an adult would know; if I answered anything in a way that wasn't "right" the grown ups laughed at me, and I wouldn't be told the correct answer. I learned to be suspicious when authorities ask questions, they are trying to trick me and punish me. I have had a few doctors confirm that belief, so it's a tough one. When I asked for emotional support, I was told I was the eldest and should know better.
I didn't understand why they were acting like they didn't see reality. Learning about DARVO was hugely validating. On the outside, emotionally abusive homes can look perfectly normal. I was the identified patient, because I couldn't adapt to the toxicity; I was the squeaky wheel.
The repetition compulsion showed up in the form of horrible relationships. At first, I felt such elation, and I would be very loyal, very quickly. Eventually, the other would begin to behave as if my basic needs were a burden. I would plead, become more compliant, and at first I believed them when they told me I was the one that was bad.
I subconsciously found partners who were willing to gaslight and invalidate me when they didn't want to be bothered with my needs. Just like my mom, but I didn't know that she was toxic. I knew my relationship with her was difficult, and that I didn't feel known by her. I had no clue it was my relationship with her that was the specific wound I had been caught replaying.
It wasn't until I studied specifically what was healthy and what was toxic and why, that I began to see more clearly what had happened.
I learned to be very careful about being led to believe what I want to believe; when we want to believe something, it is very easy to convince us of it. My ex husband got through almost an entire decade by leading me to believe what I wanted to, without ever actually taking a stand and representing himself authentically. His behavior was always blamed on things outside of his control, anything I ever was upset about, he was more upset by. It was impossible to work with.
I have trouble figuring out when someone is legitimately being cruel, and when my mind is projecting their intentions, especially when they will not speak with me about it. Healthy others are usually willing to talk it out, though, thankfully. Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication was phenomenally helpful!!
I am still learning about how to be interpersonally healthy, and it is difficult as a transition. Lonely. I was waving red flags around without realizing it, because of what I was raised in. I didn't understand why all the people I was meeting were so toxic...well, because healthy people are taught red flags by their parents, and they were taught to stay away from me! 😭🤦🏻♀️ I had giant blind spots. Things like self compassion, I hadn't ever seen modeled.
Right now my goal is to become aware and healthy enough to start making new connections out in the wild. I am looking forward to being a reciprocal friend, being able to support others in meaningful ways and having them receive and appreciate my love for them. Being able to relate with other humans, who are willing to speak openly with me to work out misunderstandings. Friends that value connections the way I do, and are eager to do the work to restore any broken bonds, that understand the goal of bringing up hurt feelings. That will be a dream come true!! That is what motivates me to continue seeking the information my childhood didn't expose me to.
"Dry alcoholic" is a term I heard recently, that helps describe how intergenerational trauma is passed. People seem to understand how addiction is passed via attitude, and seem to be able to grasp the concept better in that frame.
Beautifully written
The word Freedom, at the end, really struck a chord with me. As the song "No Small Thing" by Tears for Fears puts it... "Freedom is no small thing/We punish the child for flying too high/For rushing like the wind". The first few times I listened to that song; I thought it was about a lover. However, I believe it is intended to reassure those that are seeking Freedom that it is "no small thing."
This makes a lot of sense, and certainly makes sense of the repeating patterns we see ourselves in; as well as giving it more positive and growth-oriented spin ❤
Thank you. I knew I chose my ex as my partner not to end in divorce but to change the ending. That's why I tried for several years to be seen and heard. This totally validates my thoughts. Thank you
It took 3 hours to upload my video but I'm working on this, this channel spooks me out sometimes cause you'll post a video about something I'm working on, but yeah, being kinder to myself and liking my face and body exactly how it already is, not waiting til some miracle day occurs and I'm finally.... Something else you know, to like myself, as broken and slightly chubby and large nose and all, cause I already have a mother that makes me feel bad so why am I doing it to myself cause I don't agree with the self projection she's trying to place on me..... It's like no one else is going to look out for me in this current situation so I'll have to do it for myself, I'm too important to myself to repeat the negative thoughts to myself... CAUSE IF YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF WHY DO YOU EXPECT OTHERS TO?
My real life experience stated here. After realizing and coming out of the negative patterns, I hope people who suffered from past will walk by the similar story, as some people tend not to change and you will not get a better ending than the time of trauma.
You demonstrate much WISDOM!
I grew up with an emotionally unavailable and neglectful mother and those are the same women I attract, EXCEPT I try to fix them!!
Stay blessed, Everyone.
Robert-
Is there a reason videos are getting shorter? 🙃
I don’t mind going through longer videos, since they are insightful and helpful genuinely. 🙂
Excellent video as always...
thats why addressing and healing your traumas is important... so that you grow and move on in life.....and be with calm , peaceful , kind and loving company ...otherwise we will keep looking for solution in others and get drawn to similar troubled people of your past and take the responsibility and make it ur life mission to heal those who dont want to heal themsleves...it can be a tiring situation cz the outcome can never be the same and it will drain away your life spirit...
Wonderfully described, with deep revelance 👌. Mille Mercis 🙏 !
Thank you.
Wow, once again thank you for an excellent video
…Except for most people, you’re unable to “fix” the other person because you haven’t worked on yourself. So actually while this is lovely, has a positive spin, seems logical, and may be what you’re TRYING to do… (again) for a lot of people, it’s not something you’re capable of. Hinging your emotional recovery to someone else’s growth may land you in a never ending story.
Wow.. makes sooo much sense
It takes a lot of work to break the cycle. It's taken 10 years thus far for me.
nice video..but can you make a video on steps needed to come out of this repititive compulsion behaviour. please make a guiding video on how to heel past traumas.
❤❤❤ i will forever clap for others until its my turn 🎉🎉🎉
It's normal and natural to wanna find someone familiar... to yourself. Find someone like you, not someone like your parents or other people who hurt you, but do the healing and find someone who has gone through a similar process! Also, roleplay can help. Robert Downey Jr. made everyone laugh by thanking his "terrible childhood" at the oscars, but acting, or otherwise creating rather than reliving the same traumatizing moment can help put a stop to this. This is also why many people are drawn towards sexual roleplay as healing from sexual trauma, for example, or come back to hobbies that they were shunned away from as a kid, or decide to go after their true passion and dream later in life, giving themselves a second chance in a healthy way. I think it's quite beautiful :)
Love how I can see so many thing now that fit in with this.....
wow u got my minddd❤
I am dating a man who is just like my father distant, dismissive, grumpy and secretive. But he's also just like my father in a good way, quick witted, observant, patient and practical. It's a good match.
This sounds like an over-romanticization of the "I can fix him/her," mentality that can be toxic in that it frames our own happiness/healing/outcome in terms of our ability to control the outcomes of other people; specifically by trying to fix very unbalanced, probably unstable and abusive people. While the compulsion itself can be viewed or reframed as a more creative/well-meaning pursuit rather than a masochistic one, I don't think it forgives it of its unreasonable nature in what it demands of us to do or achieve to break the compulsion, and the suffering it likely brings us.
Yes exactly... and perhaps a far better approach is to notice that repetition, and deliberately choose someone who doesn't fit that pattern, and in fact doesn't really need fixing at all. Choosing happiness right now instead of in some imaginary future.
Really? Lol.
I know, that's what i thought watching it. feels very contradictory to the other videos about not seeing someone for their potential but for who they are etc
Needed this
"Find Freedom" Thats the key. Repeating trauma is to "Find Release which is freedom" . The greater the attack on the self in childhood the greater the need to "Find release". This pattern is most evident when children have been sexually abused. Many times, sex workers are drawn to the work to "Feel empowered" to find release from the helplessness in childhood. Very dangerous behavior. It often does not succeed in resolving the trauma but actually makes it worse.
See, the problem is, if I follow the familiar pattern, at least I know what my job is in the relationship. At least I know what my partner's job is. It may not be ideal, even harmful, but I know the job, I understand it well. I understand our job descriptions.
If I don't follow the pattern, not sure what my job is. Maybe I don't have a job if I don't follow the pattern. Not sure what my partner sees in me as I would not even be trying to meet the expectations of the role. Not sure where the boundaries lie. Not sure what the point of me is.
How can I apply for a job where I do not understand the job description and have never been taught the role?
You spice up the resume to fit the role, and aspire to be the right employee for the dream job. A little bit of faking it until you make, but proving yourself by being a quick, adaptable learner. Eventually you may have to admit to shortcomings you had never been privy to. But you soon prove to yourself that you can accomplish any job if you adopt a learner's mindset (and some healthy overconfidence is what pushes us to try things we could have never imagined ourselves being capable of). So it is a frame shift in your mindset you seek. "How can I?" is a question usually answered with the question "Why don't you?" Well, "because I do not understand the job description." Just because we were not taught math well at an early age does not mean we still cannot master it! Find yourself a good teacher, and be a good student, and commit to becoming the ideal version of yourself! :)
Astute question. This answer may aggravate, though, because it will challenge you to write your own job description. To establish your own boundaries.
Perhaps one place to begin will be to inventory all the joys and sufferings while in previous relationships, and while solo. Begin to lay out to yourself who you are, what you like to do, and so on.
Become the person you would really admire, and trust that to help bring suitable people for all your relationships (including friends and coworkers, etc).
🙏
Like this insight
Just now fiction beast dropped a video on psychotherapy
I have it in my recommended videos too lol
I had loving family a lovely childhood. Then i met the love of my life, fell for her story, wanted so much to help with her life, addictions and what i didnt realise was the history of abuse these people suffered from her dad.
I tried helping when all i did was destroy my own life thinking i could help. Became a simp running after the constant cries of victimhood.
After i met the parent an he swung for me cos i said maybe she needs professional help.
I realised then, i had to get out. She didnt want to be saved, she wanted to destroy like her father.
How the narcissistic become the narcissist seems to be a part of the process. They dont see it.
Took me a long time to be myself again.
Never again will i be used like that. We all learn one way or another.
In my utopia violence isnt a part of my world.
Lesson learnt.
Never love and you wont get hurt 😂
Adventurous instead of dangerous
Thanks
Care, Admiration, Desire.. According to you, these are the three principles that need to be built in a loving relationship between partners. We see the Classical Love model which is practiced for a longer lasting relationship compared to the Modern Love Model. Which is disposable according to Bauman in his theory of liquid love. When you see a love phenomenon like this. Do you agree with what Bauman said? if yes why?? If not why??
This is genius
Still waiting for @theschooloflifetv to do a video on brain spotting.
I'm sure this video has some truth to it, and I'm sure my life pattern emulates this in some ways, however I think I moved past this roughly a decade ago. I was helped more recently by Dr. Harriet Fraad, who explained that having parents with unreasonable beliefs, can leave a child measuring their life to standards that aren't achievable at all, leaving the adult very insecure and perpetual desperation. But I can report, even after one understands this, the road to self growth is not yet complete. The damage is so deeply rooted that it takes time to remedy. But as usual School of Life does an accurate report. They're always great.
One day.... Freedom
holy shit i needed to hear that
Thanks man. Maybe elaborate more on the causes and cures in a next video? Don’t be so stingy 😉
Who doesn't relate to hiding under a sofa when dad is angry?
I'm a bit confused by this one
I was expecting throughout the whole video that he would explain how seeking to change someone will lead us to repeating the past (leaving with someone toxic for example) and I was hoping that he would explain how to avoid that
so to avoid that, we should stop trying to change others ?
Omg, this is exactly what I did. 😅
Knew the parents were gonna come in somehow! Lol
Word.
🎉 🙏🏼 ❤
So many wild facial hair choices in this one.
*I DON'T BELIEVE THIS IS CORRECT* our childhood is our TEMPLATE for a family, its the only one we have and no matter how broken it was it is imprinted on us as THE template of a family.
In the same way, a baby blackbird imprints on humans if its raised by them - a human imprints the abusive childhood dynamic as the template for a family and we subconsciously try to recreate that. A person I know went to an expensive private school, as punishment he was put naked in a cold shower and beaten with a rubber hose - he thinks this is totally normal. >>>
We all think our childhood is pretty normal and out subconscious absolutely thinks its normal. What our subconscious does not do is look for happy endings.
Ok... WOW.
May the cosmos bless Alain for participating in enlightening us🙏🏾❤️ when will you come to the US?
Yup. Touché!
The only problem with this is that repetition compulsion with dead en, NPD partners and relationships lead nowhere!!!
same bro
Acept that no money no problem,..
Usually repetition compulsion is seen as negative, because it bears risk to inhibit therapeutical progress. SoL depicts it a chance to understand oneself better. Do I understand correctly?
Yes, but it is not necessarily advising one to adopt it as a way of life per se. It is more that, like anything, when we become conscious of our previously unconscious tendencies then we gain more control over our behavior. You can look at your repetition compulsion, after becoming aware of it, and better decide "Do I need to keep doing this? Is this benefiting me? What am I gaining or losing by continuing? How can I use this new insight into myself to enable my self-transformation?" -cheers
Story of my life...dealing with it daily. Can be very overwhelming at times. Having kids myself also brought many old memories and situations back into consciousness.
Having been the oldest of 3, in an overwhelmed single mother household brought many problems with it. Untreated Wounds, Accidents, uncared for trauma and diffcult situations.
It was very hard...I´m trying to understand it now myself. I´ll try to convince my doc to thoroughly check some parts of my body that have been hurting or not feeling right for over 15 years now.
The thing i find most difficult is to have others understand just how much I need clarity and certainty for myself to fell good and confident.
Back in the day I was living in blissful ignorance, now doubt about my past and especially my body being they way it is supposed to be or not consumes me, especially because of the pain. Sometimes I feel like I´m going insane, when others doubt me. I tend to doubt myself then, nowadays.
I really wonder where all my confidence and positive attitude went. Am I still me? I have such massive moodswings...or is it hormonal? Or is it just getting older?
I´d love to know and have certainty about what it is.
Both men and women go through hormonal changes as we age, which can make it hard to understand the true genesis of feelings that seem different today than the day before and could be different still tomorrow. Also, changes in diet and gut health in general can have a crazy affect on mood, emotions and memory, it's amazing how much what we eat can change how we feel (both mentally and physically) and how quickly these changes can occur. You might try adding a good multivitamin and mineral supplement and even probiotics. And remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself time to think, feel whatever emotions that may arise, and forgive yourself for any perceived transgressions. Life can and will get better and you'll understand yourself more clearly as you continue to look inside and work on healing. Blessings 😊
Yeah, exactly. I´m doing all kinds of things now to heal. I try to forgive myself and others. Coming to terms with the past, accepting things for how they have been and are now is also a process. Most importantly griefing or letting the emotions have their time and place now, when they come up is a bit tought sometimes, but very relieving and I feel much better afterwards. Doing Yoga really helps me feel where blockades and stiffness are still present. Adressing my bodily needs often brings mental change, since they´re so connected. Accepting those hard years often isn´t easy, I grief for all that could have been, now that I finally realised what I needed. It´s practiced Self-Love, which I never learned from my parents or other adults.
This why i choose to be single, cos then i choose me 💟
Where to find support for introversion?
Are there any research papers about what he said?
Appendix A starting on p.621 of the book Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families enumerates names of quite a few researchers into this and the dates of publication and titles of their works. Also maybe search Repetition Compulsion scholarly articles? Idk
tantalizing: trớ trêu 2. compulsion : sự ép buộc 3. run couter to : đối nghịch 4. wind up: kết thúc 5. cower : thu mình 6. appease: nhân nhượng 6. rectify : sửa chữa
That is very interesting. I always had this and you explain why. This hits deep… fuck
Is there a transcript because i didnt find it in the description?
I find the title quite misleading. Though the video itself has a good topic, I'm not sure if this is about "A guide to self transformation."
How do I overcome a giant lying star ?
Ok there, Freud.
Look up the autobiography Within Heaven's Gates by Rebecca Springer.😇
2:21 The biggest problem here is that the subtitles are obscured by other things.
Alain de Botton ❤❤❤❤
"I can fix him/her."
Wow. Nice twist on an old theme. 🤔
I feel this when it comes to me always going back to dating apps
What makes someone a Guardian?
Well this wasn't a guide but simply stating the problem. You won't "find freedom" in trying to fix the problem. The freedom is learning to feel the feelings which we have been resisting. I recommend somatic enquiry and shadow work, and simple learning how to feel every uncomfortable emotion/feeling that comes up without resistance. It takes practice
this is still a misguided desire tho, right? video is unclear about that, despite being titled as "a guide." it reframes the repetition compulsion, so we can think of ourselves as people trying to rewrite a story as opposed to people trying to hurt ourselves... but isn't that still a bad thing to do? like, isn't it doomed to fail? making yourself vulnerable to untrustworthy unavailable people, getting hurt by them over and over again? isn't believing you can fix someone delusional, a terrible gamble, when really what you need to do is grow and learn to relate with & love people who aren't so fucked up?