The #1 Mistake You're Making as a Husband on the Autism Spectrum
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- Опубліковано 2 бер 2022
- Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for ND Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Group for NT Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
After 35 years (tears) of marriage, I have come to realize even though my husband says he loves me and wants to be with me, he shows no proof of that. My love has gone and I feel cheated of years I could have been with someone who actually wanted to be with me. Our relationship is like the song, ‘For No One’ by the Beatles.
I’m 20 something years in and I feel neglected and I feel like I been cheated and my children are being cheated. I couldn’t imagine staying for 35 years!
I totally get this. It’s certainly not for everyone and there are those who are on the deeper side of the autism spectrum that make it more difficult to be in a relationship.
I so get it. Me too.
So sad.
I've learned to stop and listen when my wife talks. It's not easy, but it's always possible.
I feel this. I should do that more instead of giving into these primal feelings I want to unleash
It feels like he’s present only to tell me what I’m doing wrong 🥲
I'm in tears! Thank you for these videos! The only other person that I have in my life besides your videos who will say what needs to be said to my husband is our marriage counselor! After 20 years of marriage (which was this year and after I talked and talked about it for months about how excited I was for it, he didn't even acknowledge it or do one single thing for it. He didn't even tell me "happy anniversary...💔😭 ) I'm about done with the pain of the isolation, loneliness, neglect, and needing to constantly suppress who I am so that he's not uncomfortable. The lack of connection in every level sucks the life out of my entire soul.
just because he forgets, doesnt mean he doesnt love you. We just have a hard time showing it.
I feel you diana , same for me ,i'm just so used to nothing i don't remember what a normal relationship is anymore .
@@flyingmollywhop4228 Irrelevant.
You are not alone . Just know that improving the relationship is very possible with the right help! Wish you the best
@@flyingmollywhop4228So then how do you show love? I bet her husband can remember all kinds of trivial dates, yet didn't acknowledge his own wedding anniversary. A milestone wedding anniversary is supposed to be important to BOTH people in a couple. He was there, too! It's his anniversary, too! He needs to care! Especially after she repeatedly reminded him, that's neglect. That's cruel.
Thank you! It seems that most of the time you expect the wife to just live without having her needs met. Bravo for finally saying that the man needs to do his part!!!!
What man and what wife? I don't think there are more than 10% of heterosexual male autistics who are in a relationship. And those who are, tend to be the highest-functioning ones (those able to get degrees and stable jobs), and their partners are often in worse neurological or cognitive conditions than theirs: in fact, they are often the ones who have to assume the role of caregivers with its associated responsibilities. So I don't think that among autistic men there is some kind of feeling of "entitlement" that leads them to neglect the needs of their wives using their disorder as an excuse. Perhaps those who would need more warning, advice and tips are heterosexual men coupled with autistic women in particular or neurodivergent ones in general, who surely amount many more than the reverse cases. And from what I've been able to verify, they maintain a much more disinterested, self-sacrificing attitude towards their female partners, empathizing with them and their difficulties no matter how severe, systematically putting their own "needs" in the back seat in order to learn as much as possible about ASD and treat those partners in the most convenient way possible, without judging them or complaining about their way of being.
You nailed it here, Mark ! Every big augment stemmed from me having an emotion (overwhelmed, angry, happy, sad etc) and My Aspie partner (now my ex) not being present. Every time it became about him and it was exhausting....
And you took care of yourself and moved on
It’s so frustrating when he doesn’t pay attention. And then he wonders why there’s a disconnect. If we want a great relationship then we need to learn how to connect. And communication is how we connect. Like small talk or whatever. Some people call it shooting the breeze. But no not here. Everything is serious. I have learned to be very careful what I talk about. To the point only. Not much fun. But at least there are less misunderstandings. He gets overwhelmed when there is too much. So I set the bar low and get my conversation needs met elsewhere. Although I still dream of being totally connected with him. I’m trying to accept this lot in life. It’s painful because as humans we are made for connection.
I don’t think people should accept this half life if there is any way to escape
Perfect! Thats years of therapy condensated in few minutes. Brilliant.
Is it normal, when you’ve lived with this treatment for years, to lose any sense of jealousy for your husband? The thought of him cheating on me produces no emotion in me. I can’t seem to make myself care. I feel so disconnected
Yes!
❤ just love it! I'm starting to pray for this. I am not interested in caring for this empty soul who violates my love and emotionally cheats me.
But my heart is very fragile n stupid
You left me speechless, here, Mark! Take it as a compliment, because it is! Spot on! Your best video ever! I bet this list of NT wife's complaints is universal! My beloved husband simply stopped trying...just when I thought we were doing better. We have been separated for three weeks and counting. 😔 Yesterday, he called me to reiterate he still loves me but has no intention of coming back to me. When I asked him for an explanation, and only after pressing him, he said that maybe I am right and he may be on the spectrum. Here is an interesting topic for you to address, Mark: There is no long-term benefit in my accepting him (ASD) if he cannot accept himself. 😔 Despite no sign of a reunification with my beloved husband any time soon, I remain HOPEFUL...Par la Grace de Dieu. 🙏🙏🙏
I am so sorry for you. I am on the spectrum, but I'm on another area of the spectrum than your husband; I am the kind that when I don't get regular, frequent verbal feedback in any given social exchange, I rapidly start to feel the other person or people are upset or sad, and I feel that I'm to blame. I immediately tend to attempt repair on an interaction that usually is not broken. I drive so many people away doing that it's heartbreaking to me. My girlfriend never has to worry about me not trying to connect with her, but she has to deal with me often in a panic whether or not I upset her. On the other hand, my thoughts control and consume me nearly every waking moment, and stopping my thoughts long enough to listen to her has proven to be most challenging to me. I feel really awful about all the times when I don't catch myself and force my focus to listen to her.
@@davidhorn996 Thank you for sharing. Best wishes to you! God bless you 🙏🙏🙏
“Maybe I am right and he may be on the spectrum” As an autistic person myself- I will emphasize that realizing you are on the spectrum is not ‘bad news.’
Personally, I embrace the abilities that I have from it.
One should think of it as simply discovering something about themselves, not something good or bad, but just who we are.
@@MomentsInTrading NT wife, here...I totally and completely agree. I have come to not only accept but also appreciate my husband's neurological differences. However, evidently he has reached the conclusion that I am better off without him.😔
@@MomentsInTrading OH I absolutely agree. I am a late diagnosed aspie, and now that I know I'm not broken, I'm able to begin to understand why some things are so challenging for me, and I am able to maximize my strengths. I know where I am prone to have problems due to being on the Spectrum, and can let my friends know why I do some of what I do, and how they can help me not annoy them out if my life like everyone else I lost as friends.
1000000% yes!!! I so wish I could send this to my husband.
If he knows hes asd...then send it. Im asd and marks vids are gold.
It’s living hell trying to have a conversation with him.
What happens if a wife starts a simple conversation and Aspie husband interrupts to talk about what he doesn’t like about the subject you were talking about. I’m not talking deep discussion, just someone or something you saw that day. He always sounds so angry. I’m never listened to, yet expected to listen to the repetition of his stories. I’m lonely.
Exactly so true… and then the ignoring and could shoulder starts when I crumble.. my son has it also but worse so I am completely wrecked ..,
Tell him that it is rude to interrupt and not listen and empathize with your wife when she wants you to "listen with empathy". Tell him that what you are telling him doesn't matter: it's the connection that matters and connection requires his full attention, and whatever else makes the connection happen (I'm not sure - I have Aspergers as well) just tell him the other required components for connection.
*DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS* to him *WITHOUT ACCUSING OR ATTACKING* him. Use "I feel" statements + EMOTION WORDS like "frustrated", "unhappy", "sad", "disrespected", and explain why you feel those things. Tell him you feel alone because you need emotional support from him and there's all these times where you do not feel listened to.
Tell him this stuff. *Make it clear by being direct*, and clear/direct that he is not doing his duty. Be assertive and non-escalating (a.k.a. emotionally intelligent) about it.
BUT DO NOT emotionally escalate the conversation. Just tell him in a non-personal way.
And you literally will have to *train him* - mid-conversation - when he is going awry on doing his duty, to get his mind on track & focused on the right thing.
Then it's a matter of him forcing himself to exercise the discipline of doing the right thing.
If he has a hard time with that then ask him "well then why did you get married to a wife? This is one of the big reasons I got married for - to have emotional intimacy."
You are not alone!! This is a common occurrence with aspie husbands. Do not go into full argument mode on the subject as it will go nowhere…
Take a pause look at him and tell him directly in a calm manner “ please do not interrupt me again. It is rude .” “If you want to talk about something different, then politely wait until I am finished speaking and then you can talk about some thing else after I am done and I will gladly listen to you.” Don’t take it personally, I have come to learn that it is much better when I clearly , calmly and directly let my husband know how something affects me .
Thank you I needed to see this. As a 38 yr old married man I have been struggling a lot lately in pretty much every important aspect of my life and I just really can’t figure out why. After finally talking to someone and doing some research I realized I could possibly be on the spectrum and up until a few months ago this thought had never even crossed my mind but the more I look into it, everything is described to the . Thank you again I subscribed and will go watch every other video you made, just not when my wife is with me and I’m disconnecting!
We have learned so much from your videos Mark. I am fortunate enough to have a wife who watches and listens with me, as well as on her own. We just had another major discussion (complete with meltdowns). Me not being present was the main item we had concluded was was where I would focus my attention. Many of your videos strike familiar chords with us. This one was 100%
This hurts to hear bro. I’m 27 and my wife wants to dip because this is me. No I’ve never been officially diagnosed but I am diagnosed with server ptsd and depression. On top of other shit, it’s always,”you just seem like you don’t care.” And I get so fucking mad (army guy. Gotta deal with the swearing on this one) because I break my back trying to make sure she’s okay and to show her in my own my way that I love her but I just don’t think it’s connecting for her. I’m fucking trying so hard to be better for her and our kids (2/3 are autistic) but I’m pretty sure it’s too late and judging by the ladies in the comments it is and that shit feels like god came down and ripped my heart out. For days. Idk what to do. I want her to stay but I don’t want her to feel like you guys feel 😔 I just want her to be happy.
Please, please, please tell her that. Be vulnerable, say how you feel. So much is lost on us because you don't tell us how you feel. Just tell her the ways you loge her, how you show her that because she might be expecting something else. But she can understant if you tell her. If both of you understand what the other needs to feel loved. I hope you both sort it out.
I'm sure that if you were together all this time there still is a base to wirk on, and if you really do- you might be even happier than before. You really have to talk with her - but not proving what you do for her, but showing her that you know that there is an issue to work on. Acknowledge it. Don' t say that it's all in her head. Tell her that you're willing to work on it. And show here right from the start, that you're serious. Maybe first from Marc's suggestions, then maybe a good therapist? Your family will feel respected and will see that there is hope. Even if the problems are big- if you see that the other side is willing to work towards positive change, you see that there is still hope for you. And that's a key thing. (I would also include the help of Jesus Christ, because only with God's blessing we can go forwards). I wish you the very best.
Thank you for this video! It’s relieving to see this perspective of the situation as well. I love my husband very much we are both putting in the effort to understand each other better.
You are so welcome!
This is spot on.. Thanks!
You are so welcome
Thank you mark.. once again sime brilliant advise!!
Very welcome
Such a great video!
Thank you!!
Amen to this!
Having a conversation for longer than 5 minutes with my boyfriend that’s not superficial but related to anything emotional he checks out mentally and / or says nothing in response leading me to feel he’s disinterested, annoyed and can’t wait till I shut up. In return I let him know due to his inability to engage in conversation with me I rely on my friends bc he’s unreliable. I’ve never dated a man with ASD and it’s been incredibly challenging and I feel lonely bc he’s not present as you stated. Contemplating moving on as I’ve been patient and understanding for long enough and he has made no consistent changes. Disappointed.
Very well said thank you 👏
Thanks for watching!
Amen to this! I’m the NT wife and the loneliness is soul crushing. For 20 years I told him, I want to connect. Just recently he admitted “I don’t know what you mean by that.”
Omg Mine doesn't understand "just be nice".
Yep!! This is true Mark. I am showing this to my Autistic family members, thank you!
It's not going to help , sorry . The day after is going to be the same
@@giovannamoro8564 oh youre definitely right. But i am still showing them lol. Every day is a battle.
Bingo
Thank you!
You're welcome!
This is true!! After soooo many years of teying to connect but being (rejected) not knowing about aspergers. But then even after knowing... I have alwYs do e all the work and now I don't try. It just geels like a (fake) marriage with a lot of grieving .....
Thanks!
These videos are SO VERY appreciated! I would only request if you would please keep your language as clean as possible. It does matter 🙏
Would always try to make eye contact with her, but I do get lost in her eyes. From time to time, I had to close my eyes when listening so I wouldn't get distracted by my surroundings and just take in her voice.
So here is the better question, how do you change after 48 years of practice doing it wrong?
Ha ha ha, my wife hasn't watched this video yet, but she agrees 100%.
This makes sense. It seems like my wife is always saying that I don't get it. I don't connect with her. I don't make her feel like she is even having an adult conversation. I can listen better, but the give and take that she wants, the insight that she keeps saying she wants, I don't feel like I have that. I want to connect with her better and listen to her and I am going to work on that, but any suggestions on the giving insight part she wants or having an "adult" conversation?
Ask her to give you examples of "insight". Not sure if she is talking about you understanding where she's going with what she is saying, or talking about knowing what she's going to say next, or if she is talking about reflective listening - repeading back to her in your own terms, what you think she is saying. Maybe she's talking about you being able to read what's bothering her deep down inside?
@@R.GrantD Thanks
I have been starting to tell my husband lately that I want him to interact with me with the same energy and motivation he has for his video games / talking about Disney (his two favorite things in the world) . Practice good eye contact , asking questions, facing towards her when she is talking , following along the conversation without distractions or interruptions.All Of these social clues let her know that you are interested in what she has to say.
I think this happens in relationships where both are ND. Women / AFAB folk seem more socially / emotionally willing?!
I swear my husband is autistic and he wont ask a dr or anything.
My partner is 24 and he's quite open to learning how to connect or what's important, I don't like telling him though....I'm 26 btw
That’s what my husband does. Look at his phone. I just realised I believe him to be on the spectrum. He is exactly like you described. Question is, how do I talk to him about this suspected diagnosis
That is correct. Except my husband never thinks that far. He denys lies agrues and fights wit me
And then he ignores me and the subject if I bring it up again it gets worse.
Damn….
i dont understand why people get married
Its so sad
Been married for 18 years. Recently started getting tested for autism and never knew anything about it. Till now. My wife always says i never pay attention or listen, if it is not a hobby, i pay little attention to it. Now if i am autistic and have the emetions of a brick wall why did she marry me? Stick with me through my time if the military through the war, have a kid with me, watch me work non stop every day to pay for everything and support everything with this condition.. but i am the problem? If i am in no way a abusive or awful person why do i feel like i am the one being looked down on for having this. I am the one who will always be alone.
I don't know how your family life exactly looks like, but my husband says simmilar things. Our family counselor suggested that he is on the spectrum, after our son was diagnosed and we were going through our family problems. Every time we touch the subject of the way he is treating us, being almost always emotionally unavailable, not feeling responsible for house chores or other things that need to be done- but at the same time demanding them been doneand criticizing the way we managed to do them- every time we talk about it, he throws us in the face that he works hard to provide money. As if the fact that he brings money into the house gave him the right to treat us in a strict way, with no friendly attitude and empathy. It's almost as if we should br punished for the fact that we exist, we disturb his peace.
@@justynaadamowicz3211
I know the difference is for me. I as a husband would work non stop all day and move mountains for my family. I never once threw it in my family face that the work at home is not equal to mine at work.
I am saying it is not fair to be treated like yourself to have all your efforts not recognized, thrown into your face, all because they do not understand or seem care what you have. This is my life.
@@christopherking4613 bruv. this really does feel unfair. God has your back tho. I'm thinking if i should continue relationship with him, i have patience for it but i feel so lonely like im not a part of his world.
@@iprobablyhaveapoint thank you for the support. I don't know what he is like but if he is like me . I am more of tactile person and when my wife stopped touching me or no longer wanted to be touched by me. That was when it got the worse. I just think he the person you love is in there just responds differently that makes sense is the part I think we all struggle with.
If nothing works out for me. I hope I meet someone not afraid to try till then I keep one foot moving in front of the other.
Excellent. Can they practice it though ? They live in the opposite extreme of "meditation" which is very sad ..... it translates into suffering and destruction in their Lifes and the Lifes of those closest to him. A kind of psychopathy....
I have ASD men's groups...they can learn how to practice.
That seems to be the actual problem, not listening is just the effect of it.
@@NorthernHomestead What do you mean ? please explain.
@@Wombat-pv5eb The not living in the moment, or as you say the opposite of meditation seems to be the problem. And if you are not there, it is hard to listen. Or maybe I understood you wrong.
@@NorthernHomestead Ok thanks I understand now. Yes, but when I see him working and attending video meetings with colleagues and superiors he is 100% attentive, also when he plays bridge with his friends etc...My boyfriend (sadly now ex) of the last 5 years and until this morning, mentioned to me that he was maybe autistic only few months ago. So I read about it and by now I am certain he is Aspergers. He has all the traits times 100. He is 60, I am several years younger. I am HSP and spiritual, I try to be present and I love The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. My ex recently met a woman who enjoys drinking in bars in the evening just as much as he does and he is by now falling for her and discarded me. In fact he became more and more disconnected and dettached but as long as I could be of any use he kept me until he met that new woman. I am devastated. He is a lost case, he would never change, he is in denial and he says he is alright but he is so unaware and careless of the suffering he put me through all along. Where did all my Love for him go ? I wonder !! I wanted so much to love him and I did love him but he wasnt there to recieve it, a crocodile would have been, by far, more affectionate, receptive and attentive....no kidding.
My man has this and does not even wanna listen when i showed him 5+ years together looking kinda bad i am only 20 yo
You're only 20?! Girl - RUN!
Don't wait. The longer this goes on, the more complicated it gets to leave.
Man, I don't want to say it, but @SENSEF is right. Coming up on 19yrs together, I 100% agree that it only gets worse, and its harder to break away.