Cassandra Syndrome: A Real Thing - or B.S.?
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- Опубліковано 22 сер 2024
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--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
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--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
--- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
Parenting resources:
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html
Great video. What do you think about Cassandra syndrome effecting people in a friendship, or coworker situation? It happens to me frequently.
A long, slow, painful, lonely, endless, empty....death.
So sad :( it needs to stop
He's undiagnosed, but he HAS AUTISM! My pain is REAL!
@@Anonymous-pk8bkand I'll bet he says that YOU'RE the problem, right?!
@jc9716 did you diagnose him? Cassandra syndrome was originally used to validate the autistic experience because autistics are usually not believed because of our tone, body language, and the fact that even though autistics are very honest we are usually not believed. I see so many people here diagnosing they partners without a clue. Yall cooped Cassandra syndrome.
Double whammy. Sad incompatibility. Dismal scenario. It exists, I believe, and is the reason for a lot of failed relationships.
True
Wow! How did you learn so much about the autistic brain and ASD/NT relationships? Because this content is truly a God send thankyou so much!!!!
Fantastic Mark, you never fail to deliver. I love your no-nonsense approach to everything ASD related. Especially Casandra Syndrome, which I suffered terribly from and still carry the scars two year later. Thanks for the all work you continue to do, as you don't realise how much you are helping us. ❤
How do they try? I ask sincerely. Mine told me I had a roof over my head and clothing. He didn't understand that I needed more. I think he thought it was only providing for me which I did appreciate but I couldn't function anymore and was traumatised from neglect and being corrected all the time. I wish he was diagnosed as it would have helped me understand what it was and given me insight.
I absolutely understand. My ASD fiancé feels like showing love is by providing, he even called me a bill. I have urged him to have more of a relationship with the children he says well I took them to this place or bought them that. And now both the kids and I are lacking extremely. It’s pretty lonely 😢
I imagine that a lot of ASD mates would FAR rather just LEAVE the relationship, than have to put in the work, tho, don't you?!
Most of them don't seem to leave through a divorce. Most seem to stay. Likely due to dependency on the NT wife. She's his 'seeing eye dog' as Mark says.
Many people with ASD end up in abusive relationships and don't know how to leave.
No
@@dillchives yeah with them being the abusers without even realizing.
how come that an asd partner knows exaxtly what he or she needs but can't understand that the other needs it too.
They have different needs.
Them having to “provide” these emotional need goes against their “needs” of not being overwhelmed/inconvenienced..difficulties with empathy etc
@@Ro-ol6on Yes people with AS are so terrible they cause their NT partner PTSD.
Thank you for once again making it real.
If wive’s needs are constantly not being met, fight or flight comes, and at some point the wife may become antagonist against the husband. Cassandra Syndrome is real. I’ve caught myself becoming nasty like my husband is at times. I’m trying really hard to nip that in the bud.
Emotional needs are important and she cannot meet that on her own smh. It takes participation from her spouse.
@@puttervids472 well, he sure CAN gripe that he's not getting HIS needs met, mainly to be left alone so he can pursue his special interests. They don't like to be bothered with anything else.
@@puttervids472 you clearly don’t understand…
@@puttervids472 Nope it’s not about us being unhappy with ourselves. A husband can’t sit in a marriage and not participate in it or not be loving. When you aren’t at work you are suppose to fit your spouse in. Might as well live by yourself and not be married to anyone if you feel like women are needy and you need your own space. Why even marry if you feel that way?
You are the real problem, not him.
Your videos are so helpful. Married 25 years to (suspected) ASD husband. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
Life of hell. Not worth it.
Don't be stupid
This is a wise, wise man. I'm autistic and my husband is NT, but we've gone years without him hugging me or holding my hand. I am an emotional creature, and my needs are rarely met.
Are you sure he's NT??
@@madeline982 yeah. He actually took all the tests along with me when I was diagnosed last month, and he scored super low on everything. He's never had issues with socializing or anything.
@@CricketGirrl then it sounds like he's just being a (socialized) 'man' i.e not listening to your needs. If I were you I'd set clear boundaries, be prepared to walk away if it's truly not serving you, and know that you deserve love and affection regardless of what someone refuses to provide for you.
To lizard.
This doesn't sound like a marriage so much as living hell. ASD is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. It's not. ASD does not mean that one cannot exercise any self control at all. One absolutely can. Even if it's to say ,"I don't understand what you need. You'll have to spell it out for me.". Communication is possible between ND and NT. Just do the Spock thing. (Spock from Star Trek). It works. IF the other partner is willing. If not, then you must leave for your own sake.
Sometimes, stuff just doesn't work out.
You will probably need a ton of therapy to deal with this. Not least because you have stayed so long and accepted unacceptable behaviour. Why would you do that? I pose the question for you to ask it of yourself. And also ask, does the prospect of the rest of your life spent in this situation of complete abuse and emotional deprivation appeal to you?
It's hard, so very hard to give up on something you've invested so much time and energy in. But it's not working, babe.
Time to care for yourself.
🖖
why dont you hug him first? why do you have to wait. maybe he thinks you dont want to be hugged
"I"m going to offend everyone here .... If I haven't offended you yet, just stay tuned ... it's gonna happen" LMAO, that's great Sir. LOVED, made my day and this is a great video. My wife of 30 years, ASD. MAN I CAN RELATE. Thanks for all your stuff, I always enjoy
Hutton hasn't offended me. These hate comments from NT spouses and exes have
So happy I’m not in my nuerodiverse relationship anymore and am with a man who is kind to me. I’m am sure there are plenty of ASD men who are kinder than my ex though.
To the ASD husbands:
Your NT wife may feel a lack of affection, attention or closeness with you. She may feel a lack of being truly understood - or a lack of safety, guidance, or advice. She may be sulking a lot, or behaving passive-aggressively, or frequently being resentful and angry, or feeling lonely and misunderstood - or she may be assuming neglect where there isn't any.
How do these neurodiverse couples get to the stage in their relationship were they want to marry in the first place,it’s not through their needs being met?
The AS must be doing something right initially,and then once married,stop doing it,which seems cruel,but also not uncommon in NT/NT relationships too.
@@stephencolligan Yup, that's what happens. A lot attracts them to women, and she becomes his main focus, his 'special interest,' but once the "I do's" are pronounced and the honeymoon is over, well, he moves on to his NEXT special interest, and she wonders what's happened!
Not to mention that in some relationships, traumatic things happens depends on the ASD spouses' meltdown/shutdown. PTSD can change a spouse's behavior. Please consider this as well.
@@GwenArlene8181exactly that. A ton of masking and dropping their special interest as soon as she becomes his wife. Just a project or a hobby they got bored of.
@@stephencolligan I hear NTs call it masking
How much does Attachment theory affect Cassandra syndrome? Someone who is Anxiously attached would naturally be drawn to an Avoidant, which i assume would describe most ASD level 1 spouses? I would think an anxious wife would be suffering more from Cassandra syndrome than someone who is avoidant or securely attached. Thank you for your videos they are very helpful in understanding what part ASD plays in relationships
Fantastic question. Love attachment style plays a role for sure. The more securely attached I became the more avoidant he became due to his anxiety and my lack of ppl pleasing behavior. This is tough and I believe we are tougher. On the other side of this will be peace, because we know how bad it is not to feel peace, accepting what is happening is the only way I find peace.
Cassandra syndrome depends a lot on the other partner and their ability to BELIEVE the person that is trying to communicate warnings.
If God creates ASD who very prefer to be a very isolated man, why ASD man still pr be efer to have a marriage. Very contradictory. He traces after a woman and then marries and at the end leaves the woman alone. That like a cursing man… should ASD man go marry an ASD woman better?
They shouldn’t marry. They are well aware that they are not other people and are not capable of being married. It’s pure selfishness. All they want is to appear normal and marrying is their way of doing it. In reality they don’t actually care at all about the woman they marry. Me. Me. Me.
@Kwildcat13 noooo God did this. Idk why he created ASD or cancer. Or Lupus.....
But he did.....AND we get judged for sins that are not very clearly defined......
Thanks!
Your advice for my Aspy self and my NT wife is helping us so much. Thanks you for everything you do and keeping it real.
Wow intense. In reference to this.. learning eachothers love language totally helped. I have Recently experience this with my n t wife. It got really rocky I was also diagnosed with Ehler's danlos syndrome, psoriatic arthritis, And Anklyosing Spondylitis and last ASD 1. All within 2 years starting in 2020. Its almost like we had to mourn my death, celebrate a rebirth and start over. Things are going well and hope to continue to. She seems to be more conscious of my needs and hers in return. I am trying to pay attention to. I hope things continue to progress your videos are really helping as well as others
My life is getting more difficult physically and mentally as each month passes. There's a lot I can't do but there's a lot I can do. But for a normal person that can be looked at as I can't do a lot
thank you for this video, it makes a lot of sense
You are the least offensive dude around! I was just told by a professional "spiritual" teacher that I'm the sole creator of all my life circumstances and only I am responsible for ALL of it - which might be partially true on some level, but completely disregards the influence of close relatives and the wider community at large.
I have Asperger's, very high functioning, but this explains so much... Oh so much
Mark, I love you! I hope it’s ok I said that. Although we’re safe cuz I’m not in love with you personally but I freaking love this video!❤ you made me laugh and cry. You are an amazing human being. I am just blown away by your knowledge on this thing. Thank you for everything! One more thing. I just love when you drop the f bomb. 😂 It gets me every time. You’re a well rounded man. You should prob delete this video at some point because your empathy is getting some attention from the ladies. It’s like healing balm to the empath. Again, really love all you do! Just had a thought about the water thing. When a plant, or trees need water it will stretch its roots out for it. And after it has a stretched and still no water time and time again. That’s when it will die. Water sustains. A precious commodity in every way. And we have to have it too as humans. Only then we will thrive. And just to let you know the timing of this video is impeccable. It is so significant to me during this time in my life. Thank you again and again. ❤
I read so much in your videos about the NT wives real suffering and I did saw myself in the position of being a catalyst to my ex-girlfriend suffering during our former relationship.
Is a tough position to be for both, but in my case, and I believe that in most cases, there is ALWAYS a way out. I ended our relationship, I intended to walk a longer path of self-discover before trying a relationship again - as I see that it was too hard for me to fulfill some of her needs and it was difficult to her to understand why it was hard. So, I need to found ways to improve myself do that it won't be so hard in the future.
How can the aspir partner give something that, in that moment, he doesn't have? Should he fake it? Fake a level of caring that doesn't exist? I believe that there is a heavy toll in faking behaviours if our motivation behind it is too shallow.
So, my opinion to everyone out there, in the small extension of my experience and knowledge, is that we always have some kind of control. We can leave what make us feel bad, we can push and try harder if we feel able to do it, but our changes will always come from within.
I think we need to first understand why we feel as we do first before trying to pressure change into our other half... Hope that all of you who are suffering are able to found an exit to your situation, as a wise person once told me: There's is no thing like a "dead ending" path, as you can always go back from where you came.
True we can't "fake it". Maybe we have even have less ability to be "fake" than NTs. With autism, mostly, what you see is what you get, for better or worse...
You wrote, "How can the aspie partner give something that, in that moment, he doesn't have? Should he fake it? Fake a level of caring that doesn't exist?" Well, first of all, what are you doing in a relationship where you don't have any care for that person at all?! I don't get it.
@Gwen Biedler hey Gwen, how are you? What I meant is that sometimes the level of caring that someone is able to give isn't the same level of caring that the other person requires - in that case, I agree with you. I think one must try to be truthful to his own limitations and leave the relationship and not try to pressure the other to change. I think this is valid for both NT and ND partners, if your partner don't think he is capable of fulfilling your needs, he can leave, and also if you think he can't or don't want to even try to fulfill it - you can also leave.
What do you think about this?
@@ViniSouza93 With you on this Vinícius. We care as much as we are able. We try and we may fail as far as our significant other is concerned. We cannot change our nature. Best evidence is that it is in our genes, that is we are hard-wired to be as we are. Best wishes Gwen and Vinícius, Peter
@@ViniSouza93 Just to be clear, we didn't end our relationship, you did.
Real
Nothing you said here did I find offensive. It's the truth, nothing offensive about it.
What NT partners don't understand is that Aspies go through a Cassandra Syndrome too
I don't think that's being disputed. But the partner with Autism gets all the grace and patience while they verbally abuse their wife. We sit there take it and take it until we're nearly suicidal. Then we get told that we're the problem and dramatic.
Sure people with autism can experience it too. But its not always about them.....comes off so selfish. Depression and anxiety are just as notable mental health issues. But they can outright cause these issues and........10min later. "Omg did you know that plants blah blah blah...." and it's supposed to be like nothing happened
@@itsnotuitsbre9619 A lot of us, myself included, are victims abuse more so than perpetrators of it. If they're so bad, why doesn't the wife just divorce them?
@@llarmstrong783why don't we divorce them?! Because we get guilt tripped for literally everything. Personally I've just considered killing myself since I'm such a bother. I could never divorce him. I actually CARE ABOUT HIS feelings. Imagine that.
@@itsnotuitsbre9619 So you are so guilty tripped you would rather kill yourself than divorce him? I would never want a woman to stay with me if she was unhappy. I get guilt tripped a lot too. Very few people with AS actually marry. If I do, I will be honest with my potential partner about who I am and ensure I don't trick her into marrying me. Also, make it a point to never abuse her, verbally, physically or otherwise
@@llarmstrong783 welp whoopteedoo for you. Yes. I do. When using get told you're so awful for so long you wanna believe it and give up. So yes
@Mark Hutten you do not offend. Really not. And I say this as a highly sensitive person. If you cannot offend a highly sensitive WHO could be offended by this ? I think you cannot offend a sincere person who is Real and authentic aß YOU are and truly seeks to understand this subject and the dynamic. Your message, man, is bluntly straight and heart refreshing! More of that!
My Statement: in the autistic man & non-autistic wife dynamic are No victims. Both are Born and wired as they are and try to make it in this Life.
I give big respect & appreciation to the autistic men here who try to BE good enough whole their Life to be accepted by their peers, by the giggling girls who are like unsolveable riddles and a danger to become ashamed, to get the Job, to be accepted by their collegues and their big efforts to understand their Interactions and group dynamics for not to be rejected and excluded again like in school, their efforts not to become rejected by the woman they Like, their efforts to understand their favorite Woman's feelings and needs .... AND to their femal partners validation, compassion, respect, appreciation as well for all your Power of Love, strength, resilience. I See how much you looove, I See the way down you go ... go ... go, how often you swiped your tears and stood Up Once & Again .... again and agaiiiin. I think & feel with you with autism and with you with high empathy (because your empathy make you feel Love more!!! And pain more!!! Reverse Love = PAIN) The Moment you understand IT for what it really IS - you can hold each Others hand , facing each others TRUE SELF and accepting each other with or without tears in your eyes ..... (maybe, my dear Autist, your tears are invisible bcos they are INSIDE and you May BE Only disconnected from this Crystal clear lake ) .... and going Hand in Hand into the save experience to BE SEEN AS YOU ARE for the Very First time in Your Life !
This IS what REAL Love IS about my dear One.
I am done with that kind of Love-message they gave us from childhood until now. This Message is Something like: "I / We love you how I / We want and expect you to be (If Not we critizise, blame, belittle, exposé, ashamed, punish, reject you) and we Made adjustments to the death, nearly losing ourselves to fit in and meet their expectations. (Parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, Friends, Teams at Work, Sport groups, Girl/boyfriends, intimate Partners, and so on)
To you, Autistic man & to the Woman who chosed YOU (not anybody else! WOW what a win!) and IS still in your side: Hold each Others hand and sing together Out loud: "COME AS YOU ARE......
(SURCH ON UA-cam or SPOTIFY THIS GREAT SONG and Play IT as loud as you want and celebrate yourself)
ua-cam.com/video/vabnZ9-ex7o/v-deo.html
After this Song from Nirwana (pay Attention to the Lyrics) you may hear together:
ua-cam.com/video/tAGnKpE4NCI/v-deo.html
Pay Attention to every of these great words in the Song too.
If necessary make an appointment with your Partner to have space to hear 2 Songs with a great Message and to Find Out what Kind of message is in These Songs for EACH ONE of YOU
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
What’s the good things about NT couples with ASD? I need some positivity.
wont cheat or lie?
With great wisdom comes the responsibility of acceptance. I am a goth rock musician Aspie who is a sociological under study. PLEASE offend. I channel my hyper sensitive nature through music, singing and rock. I read people like an empath, yet I am aware of the dark triad and the 'dark empath'. I love your data and personally I got through nite terrors and I wake during sleep walking. ~~~~Please offend. If you end up wrong, so what? We build bridges through a 1,000 fails...not a single success. ~~~~Yeah, I watch the internet.....big fan of Sowell, Peterson, Watts, D. Murrey and many others. ~~~~~~~STARE into the void friend. Let it shape you. Stare BACK. Fear not the void.
Like, how many times I have been called a 'narcissist' for exhibiting hyper enthusiastic Aspie traits? YES, I see the social 'mask' game. I am a makeup wearing goth rocker. I also see where I use my crowd power to show entertainment, love and attention to push my music. Aspies barely have an 'ego' as we see ourselves as a 'process'...a machine. What people 'think' of me does NOT build my existence. My merit and work does. N.P.D. has other motives. I just want people happy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~You are NOT N.P.D. just because you are successful on FB with 4k followers. You cant make rock in a closet, (although with streaming, we are getting there...lol)
With a B.P.D. ex, my non loving wasnt warned....it was attacked and she 'split' behavior on me. Good points though. As one into AA? I like to take responsibility for when IT IS ME. Hard to decipher a mess when BOTH are wrong. She drinks...I dont. ~~~~Thank you for the facts.
I'm the ASD wife. What does Cassandra's syndrome look like for NT husbands?
Mark? Absolutely 100% TRUE. But in the late 5th year of life, Only my cat is left to tell them THE ANSWER is finally here. PS My credentialed PHD professor psych doc (slightly older than me) will NOT formally call it what is too 2 decades to figure out. either. WTH tends to FUEL one Conspiratorial track and that runs for miles and miles. Thanks Mark!
Not just wives people!
Thank you Mark. I tried sending you an email but not sure if I sent it to the correct address. Would you attach an email link? Interested in the one on one. YT handle is not the same as my email. Thanks again.
mbhutten@gmail.com
Mark i agree nobody is doing anything wrong my question is why would an omnibenevolent omipotent god organise things this way?
@@Oililllehla Interesting...So we can rule out the Christian god at a minimum..?
@@Oililllehla Thanks...for me the only shred of comfort I can get from existence is my belief it is random and purposeless and thus no blame can be assigned.If there is a guiding hand a creator of everything that intentionally gives babies cancer regardless of any compassion it elicits or lessons it teaches us life would for me at least become unbearable..
@@Oililllehla Thanks again you will never upset me with your obvious sincerity and honesty.We just disagree about the fundamental nature of reality ie I see no evidence for libertarian freewill.It's a pleasure to dialogue with you...
@@Oililllehla Hi again..Libertarian freewill isn't a political position.It's more of a metaphysical stance.I won't risk boring you further as you can easily google it should you choose.
@@Oililllehla Ok hope we dialogue again.Cheers.
❤
ive been in relationships with both men and women as an ASD male. men are much less demanding on the emotional side and it works out much better
Hey I'm an ASD wife. I'mma unicorn. 😂