I just really appreciate the articulate, compassionate, nuanced way you discuss this topic. I just came off an almost 2-year loving relationship with a 63-yr- old DA. He dumped me by simply disappearing after an argument on the phone, ghosting me for 7 weeks, then leaving my stuff stacked neatly in a cardboard box on my front doorstep. I was beyond betrayed and heartbroken. I took your advice and read, 'Men Who Can't Love.' I found it to be brutally honest, but it jolted me into a deeper understanding of how this stuff even happens. It made me feel less alone/crazy! Friends tell me, they can't believe how an older man can behave this way, but it looks like, if they never admit they have a problem or get help, they'll take it to the grave. It's incredibly sad for the DA, and all the ones that they love & discard. On behalf of all of us who are healing, thank you, for your passion, and intelligent effort on this subject.
What you mentioned about them opening up and then snapping back even harder.. I experienced exactly that. One evening, he really got very vulnerable and honest with me, it felt so good and I was full of hope again. The next week he was more distant and cold than ever before, and that’s when I knew nothing was going to change. It was so disappointing and painful that my mental health declined rapidly and I just didn’t have it in me to face this anymore.
I appreciate so much the raw and real way you explain the dynamics, yet show compassion for all attachment styles. More importantly, thank you for continuously affirming that what we felt was actually real and not an act or facade. I feel like the ruminating and trying to logically conclude whether it was real or just an act, was the absolute horror of the entire experience. The self betrayal on so many levels, was definitely a huge source of the excruciating pain.
I hear people say that if it’s a trauma bond, it’s not real love. Is it possible it could be both? Because I truly feel that in our closest moments, my avoidant really did love me before he shut down. But throughout the relationship, the signs of a trauma bond were there also.
Yes of course he did dear. But unfortunately with these kind of people , their traumatic experiences and subconscious fears just get in the way . If you feel the love was authentic then it was . The obstacle that is human psychology does nothing to detract from its value . Hard to believe i know but i had my own fair share of this , i have been in some dark, dark places and still the conclusion is inescapable . It is the only thing that makes sense
I find that your perspective is helpful for people who are struggling in relationships THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING. My philosophy is that if we weren’t trying to heal something, then we probably wouldn’t even want a relationship in the first place.
My 2.5 relationship had the slow fade with my DA ex. First 6 months - 1 year was good, with its moments (Ex knew they were DA so I tried to be understanding of their disassociation episodes). 1.5 years in ex said they weren't sure if they were "in love anymore", and starting pulling further and further away. No more sex, lack of affection, less time spent together, stonewalling, etc. She finally broke up with me but was adamant about wanting to be friends, like with all her other exes (which she was pretty much friends still with all of them). Still confused on whether it was a classic "some people just fall out of love" or if her lack of communication led to DA tendencies of "falling out of love".
That’s for putting out these videos. You are my favorite to listen to on attachment theory. Please do a video on the secure that gets involved with the avoidant. Can the avoidant move more towards secure in the context of this kind of scenario? Keep up the informative amazing videos.
Thank you Ken for all the knowledge you have shared so far. I've learned so much from your posts. I wish you'd shared all your Insta lives on UA-cam as well. As I am not a native english speaker, the subtitles, the possibility to slow the video down to 0,75% helps a lot. It is also so much easier to scroll back on a YT video, not to mention, that I can continue listening with locked screen, while walking, doing chores etc. I wish all your vids would be available on YT as well. Maybe I'm not the only one!
The last girl that discarded me legit said "I don't want you to think of me as your girlfriend." Even though we agreed to a relationship. She said this to me weeks before the discard. Oh... and she also had a very cynical outlook on relationships. My ex was always afraid they would end badly, including ours.
It sounds like she wanted a casual relationship. Ken is stellar at defining attachment styles! Thank you for your accurate definitions of behavioral patterns. ♥️ You nail it! Avoidant attachment is very common in the dating pool.
@@pizzelle2 Exactly. You're worth more than this. Deserve better! They don't all honestly state this up front. Some tell you what you want to hear to get what they want, until you see their words and actions are not aligned. Patterns of behavior. A healthy relationship is, all in. Loyal and committed. To get your needs met. One foot out the door or I cannot guarantee anything doesn't work for me. We all have the right to end relationships.
So crazy cuz I watched & read and the whole time my fake marriage kept telling me It's just a book I'm overthinking it, who does he come home to.... he left at 17years stating it was always fake and he was living a double life since day1
Loved this Ken! Love your channel. I do have a question, I was with a commitment phobic to the end th degree not even joking, but now it a committed relationship with someone. It was I believe even now o can’t wrap my head around it.
I’m interested in the blocking on social media reference that was made in the video. Why do they slowly block after discard? This began happening a few weeks after he bu with me. There was no contact from me so what is the point of blocking?
No. "Dismissive Avoidance" is a label for one type of insecure emotional/relationship attachment style. Personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc.) are much more severe, both internally and externally. A person can have a personality disorder (or other psychological problem) along with insecure attachment style.
I just really appreciate the articulate, compassionate, nuanced way you discuss this topic. I just came off an almost 2-year loving relationship with a 63-yr- old DA. He dumped me by simply disappearing after an argument on the phone, ghosting me for 7 weeks, then leaving my stuff stacked neatly in a cardboard box on my front doorstep. I was beyond betrayed and heartbroken. I took your advice and read, 'Men Who Can't Love.' I found it to be brutally honest, but it jolted me into a deeper understanding of how this stuff even happens. It made me feel less alone/crazy! Friends tell me, they can't believe how an older man can behave this way, but it looks like, if they never admit they have a problem or get help, they'll take it to the grave. It's incredibly sad for the DA, and all the ones that they love & discard. On behalf of all of us who are healing, thank you, for your passion, and intelligent effort on this subject.
What you mentioned about them opening up and then snapping back even harder.. I experienced exactly that. One evening, he really got very vulnerable and honest with me, it felt so good and I was full of hope again. The next week he was more distant and cold than ever before, and that’s when I knew nothing was going to change. It was so disappointing and painful that my mental health declined rapidly and I just didn’t have it in me to face this anymore.
I'm in the exact same boat 😢
I appreciate so much the raw and real way you explain the dynamics, yet show compassion for all attachment styles. More importantly, thank you for continuously affirming that what we felt was actually real and not an act or facade. I feel like the ruminating and trying to logically conclude whether it was real or just an act, was the absolute horror of the entire experience. The self betrayal on so many levels, was definitely a huge source of the excruciating pain.
I hear people say that if it’s a trauma bond, it’s not real love. Is it possible it could be both? Because I truly feel that in our closest moments, my avoidant really did love me before he shut down. But throughout the relationship, the signs of a trauma bond were there also.
yes he did love you
It's love but it's not the HEALTHY kind of love. Hence why from a healthy pov, it's not "real" love if that makes sense.
Yes of course he did dear. But unfortunately with these kind of people , their traumatic experiences and subconscious fears just get in the way . If you feel the love was authentic then it was . The obstacle that is human psychology does nothing to detract from its value . Hard to believe i know but i had my own fair share of this , i have been in some dark, dark places and still the conclusion is inescapable . It is the only thing that makes sense
@@eveunknown8785 thank you
He loved your validation for himself, thats about it, seriously.
I find that your perspective is helpful for people who are struggling in relationships THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING. My philosophy is that if we weren’t trying to heal something, then we probably wouldn’t even want a relationship in the first place.
My 2.5 relationship had the slow fade with my DA ex.
First 6 months - 1 year was good, with its moments (Ex knew they were DA so I tried to be understanding of their disassociation episodes). 1.5 years in ex said they weren't sure if they were "in love anymore", and starting pulling further and further away. No more sex, lack of affection, less time spent together, stonewalling, etc. She finally broke up with me but was adamant about wanting to be friends, like with all her other exes (which she was pretty much friends still with all of them). Still confused on whether it was a classic "some people just fall out of love" or if her lack of communication led to DA tendencies of "falling out of love".
That’s for putting out these videos. You are my favorite to listen to on attachment theory. Please do a video on the secure that gets involved with the avoidant. Can the avoidant move more towards secure in the context of this kind of scenario? Keep up the informative amazing videos.
Thank you Ken for all the knowledge you have shared so far. I've learned so much from your posts.
I wish you'd shared all your Insta lives on UA-cam as well. As I am not a native english speaker, the subtitles, the possibility to slow the video down to 0,75% helps a lot.
It is also so much easier to scroll back on a YT video, not to mention, that I can continue listening with locked screen, while walking, doing chores etc.
I wish all your vids would be available on YT as well.
Maybe I'm not the only one!
Very validating, thank you so much, Ken. We appreciate these explanations so much.
Thank you for restoring my sense of sanity
MAN, It's so hard being an avoidant and but also being aware of the crazy patterns I act, you'd think this isn't really logical right?
It's the opposite of logic. Avoidant attachment is purely emotional and fear based
Severe anxiety disorder here. After all It's just a terrible destructive defense mechanism.
Your channel is a gem! Thank you so much for the detailed explanation of all this!
Thank you for this Ken! ❤
Wishing you the very best in your recovery Ken! 🥰🙏❤️
You're a godsend
Do I tell the fearful avoidant he’s a fearful avoidant?
The last girl that discarded me legit said "I don't want you to think of me as your girlfriend." Even though we agreed to a relationship. She said this to me weeks before the discard.
Oh... and she also had a very cynical outlook on relationships. My ex was always afraid they would end badly, including ours.
Both genders can be jaded. It sounds like her fears were overwhelming.
It sounds like she wanted a casual relationship.
Ken is stellar at defining attachment styles! Thank you for your accurate definitions of behavioral patterns. ♥️ You nail it!
Avoidant attachment is very common in the dating pool.
@@SherriFlemmingyeah, avoidant attachers usually say that, except they want the same access to you that someone in a relationship would
@lorddrahl372 it sucks.....I'm fearful and his DA...We were bf and gf in name only....
@@pizzelle2 Exactly.
You're worth more than this. Deserve better!
They don't all honestly state this up front. Some tell you what you want to hear to get what they want, until you see their words and actions are not aligned. Patterns of behavior.
A healthy relationship is, all in. Loyal and committed. To get your needs met.
One foot out the door or I cannot guarantee anything doesn't work for me.
We all have the right to end relationships.
"A man should never be ashamed to voice when he was wrong in the past. He is admitting that he is wiser than he was yesterday"
- Pope Alexander
really good stuff!
So crazy cuz I watched & read and the whole time my fake marriage kept telling me It's just a book I'm overthinking it, who does he come home to.... he left at 17years stating it was always fake and he was living a double life since day1
Thank you again and most of all: take care Ken ❤❤❤
Wishing you better health Ken x
Thank you Ken ❤ and get well soon
I think now adays many are shallow and keep looking for the next best thing.
Way to many things to keep us distracted. Kids in a candy store.
Interesting! Thank you ❤
Loved this Ken! Love your channel. I do have a question, I was with a commitment phobic to the end th degree not even joking, but now it a committed relationship with someone. It was I believe even now o can’t wrap my head around it.
Feel better ❤
I’m interested in the blocking on social media reference that was made in the video. Why do they slowly block after discard? This began happening a few weeks after he bu with me. There was no contact from me so what is the point of blocking?
Secretive behavior. Privacy. Compartementalizing.
Rejection is protection. ♥️
Why do they get married if TJNIY?
And is avoidant behavior a disorder?
No. "Dismissive Avoidance" is a label for one type of insecure emotional/relationship attachment style. Personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc.) are much more severe, both internally and externally. A person can have a personality disorder (or other psychological problem) along with insecure attachment style.
I wish you good health ❤
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