HOW TO NAVIGATE SELF-DOUBT AFTER AN AVOIDANT BREAKUP
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- Опубліковано 6 кві 2024
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Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.
It's hard to trust people in general after dealing with an avoidant who was full of "mystery" and kept many secrets about themselves. The lies upon lies and the shut downs and the things they'd say to make you think they were believable. When all they were was full of crap. These avoidants are very insecure in themselves,but will blame their partners instead.
Exactly!
My self-doubt is often "Would the relationship have still ended if I had started the relationship as the secure person I am now?" And in my case, the answer is that it would've ended *sooner* because I would've put my foot down about her bullshit sooner and never let things get that bad in the first place.
He threw our beautiful relationship away and has come back multiple times saying he misses me…that’s how you know you weren’t the problem! Every time he comes back he ghosts again. It’s exhausting. Hope he learns a good thing is worth fighting for
I do not blame myself anymore after breakup with the avoidant. I realize I am not "too much", maybe they are just not enough for me.
They cant b enough for anyone with emotional needs. Only those w equally avoidant attachment.
@@blessedbee186 Which won't last either. Deep down inside they are very lonely people just seeking connections and validation that they are "good enough". But their behaviours prove otherwise.
If you created a safe space to express needs and fears, maybe you’d find that somewhere in the middle was best - My hindsight, my failed relationship with my beloved avoidant, we were terrible with communication, we both campaigned for what each if us wanted and anything else was a threat to our own needs… both parties, if they love and respect each other, will listen to the others needs and WILL WANT to find common ground. This is where our attachment can really skew our perception, I loved her with all my little anxious heart(too much, right) and I respected her… but my defensiveness over differences in needs overode all that. I needed more of her, she felt smothered… I didn’t care, I wanted my needs.
Blame, it isn’t a good word. I smothered my avoidant and made her my world… no one deserves that pressure, of course she should have communicated her fears and needs better, maybe a heads-up before walking breaking up and walking would’ve been nice too.
I’m trying to say that no one should fit perfect, because we aren’t perfect and relationships certainly are never perfect.
@@norswil8763 I do not think it's fruitful to place blame on others, including securely attached folks, for the intimacy issues the avoidant has that likely stems for his/her childhood trauma(s). You can create the safest space - give eons of space - it is still the responsibility of the avoidant person to sort out their issues. No one can help them but themselves, and a good therapist
@@blessedbee186 well, is that a relationship to begin with?
The feeling of being with the most perfect person who makes you feel utterly worthless about yourself, is truly a heartbreaking experience. Especially when you have fallen in love with them and care about them. You are left with no choice but to either harden yourself against them, or destroy yourself emotionally. It’s terrible.
Its the most heartbreaking thing i've ever been through in my life. You know how they turned up in the beginning is part of them, its IN THERE somewhere. But unless they confront their fears and heal that's never going to come back and all they will be is what they are towards the end of the relationship. In the end you know you love them and they love you, but you just can't be in a relationship with them. How they turned up at first totally spoiled everything, you just know you'll never find a connection as magical as that was. I am over them, but the good memories will forever be burned into my mind.
It’s sad how they sabotage a good relationship over small things. They are looking for perfection, is an illusion in their mind. No one is perfect.
The more heartbreaking thing is those 'things' are more often than not a projection of their own insecurities, if not minor issues that could have been resolved if they just communicated instead of keeping it all in because of the fear of rejection. Even when you ask them, their alexithymia literally causes them to lock up. I literally witnessed mine physically freeze up and unable to express what she was feeling deep down, then made some superficial unrelated comment. It is sheer mindfuckery how an adult that seems totally well adjusted on the surface can have the emotional development stuck at their formative childhood years. I have seen videos of 3-5 year olds with a better ability to express their feelings than mine. Yet, she always claim that 'I am a very deep person', referring to the gamut of emotions she feels at the subconscious level and unable to verbalise or express them. The pain and fear of self reflection keeps their emotional capacity stunted.
Never in a million years would I have believed my ex would cheat. After the discard, I found out he'd been having multiple affairs throughout the last year of our marriage. I don't trust myself or anybody else, after being *so* terribly wrong about someone that I was *so* sure about.
"The way they relate to you is dictated by how they feel about themselves". Profound statement Ken and very, very true.x
My exs excuse was he realised I looked and sounded like his previous ex and he no longer had feelings for me, 2 days beforehe was telling me he loved me....took him 3 years to notice??? 😅 I went through so much rumination it is hell.
Each word is spot on. This is exactly what I'm dealing with and I keep doubting myself. Then looking back at the facts. Then gaslighting myself. It's a painful cycle. I'm not perfect but surely he could have communicated his needs and seeing if I met them, before breaking up. Not just assumed that I couldn't meet them. He didn't even give me a chance.
Yes I'm playing back specific words and I'm spiraling...... telling me I made him feel alone and wasn't supportive. Which hurts so deeply
Exactly! Breaking up without even trying to contribute to the relationship is extremely painful for the one left behind. Makes you feel like you weren’t worth any effort. I feel you…. It’s also very healing to read the stories of other ppl experiencing very similar dynamics. We can’t all be the crazy ones, can’t we?😬
@@tinalu4695 that was exactly what happened to me to the T !!!!!
Amazing video .. helped me to understand why I got broken up with no communication and no explanation after being engaged to him . Was a massive shock but I’m trying to stay strong and focus on myself . I have nothing to say to him now .. if he can leave me without a backwards glance then I am better off alone ❤
What's worse? When you don't get anything from them in the way of what happened. Just "you're so wonderful, I don't think I can be in a relationship." and you are like, what? We've been in one for 3 years! You never said one thing, we were happy, affectionate, laughed, and enjoyed our time together. We lived together. And you are just reeling and you ask to work on it and they say "nope, nothing we can do." It is the most difficult and disregulating place to be in.
If more of us sad, anxious peeps were more honest… we’d take accountability for our part in the dynamic, not to excuse avoidants, but to admit that the push-pull happens and our anxious thinking and reactionary behaviour really is the fuel on the fire. We feed our avoidant partners if we’re not attuned and aware of what’s happening, this is often why the suddenness is so… sudden. They struggle to voice fears and needs, if I had known my avoidant ex was holding onto her worries in fear of conflict or abandonment I would have worked at creating that safe space for her, alleviating that compounding pressure. Not to mention our tendency to give unbalanced love and freak out when the same ridiculous levels aren’t returned in an ideal way… only opening the door to the full bag of damaging anxious behaviours, trying to pull them closer, over compensating the love we give, putting them so high on the pedestal, abandoning ourselves, controlling of their time, if they invest energy elsewhere jealousy might creep in.
We too have a lot to answer for. Just because the behaviours are considered less directly damaging, and typically it’s the avoidant who does the walking. It’s all just fear.
The only thing that bothers me he always told me I gave him confidence, the only person that would really listen to him, that he always felt the need to protect me, and he would have a hard time if he ever lost me. I'm not perfect, but I know I treated him really well. At the breakup his words were extremely painful, completely rewrote history of our relationship. He can't truly be himself around his family and friends but he treats them so well. What bothers me, he treats them perfect, but the person who was there for him unconditionally, didnt judge and loved him for who he was, he could just discard and say really hurtfull things to. It makes no sense to me.
I feel your pain. All I did was show love and affection to my ex. He said he'd never felt so much love before. I got used to be breadcrumbed in the relationship. Only to be cruelly discarded over spilling a cup of tea. He shouted and said really hurtful things. Told me to take my possessions out of his place. I drove home in tears. 2 years and planning to get married this year. I believe he's back with his toxic avoident ex 😢
@@beaker7353 Over a cup of tea?? Obviously, he was just searching from some absurd excuse! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Terrible way to treat someone!
Mine COMPLETELY rewrote history of the relationship, too! He told flat-out, incredible LIES about what went on! I couldn't even believe it, was stunned.
That was extremely helpful! My ex told me (after ghosting me for four months) that we aren’t compatible because I wanted to talk about the relationship „all the time“ and he would have preferred to talk about other things and that we weren’t that close after all (after before telling me that we are soulmates and that he enjoys being with me AND using me to vent about his job and needing my advise on numerous things on a regular basis). I criticize myself a lot for having been too needy…. With the help of that video I managed to calm my inner critic down by asking him the question: would I have kept trying to talk about the relationship had my partner even once been open to and really engaged with me in such a conversation? And as a response I got… silence. What a relief that gave me….🙏
Omg, this sounds very familiar! Such a good response!
Whar an absolute assh. His poor behavior is not your fault at all.
More rhan once I met people incl new 'friends' who would talk about soulmate then soon their arrogance and disrespect showed up. They have issue's or need to dominate and will add pain in our lives.
They will find any reason to avoid ur love. They r too broken and know they can never b what anyone w emotions needs. They save themselves the failure and end it.
😅❤
This is soooo my story, especially we are not compatible section,,, fucc i really thought she was the one but after all she meant to be my ex !
my self doubt was the cognitive dissonance - and how to make sure that never can happen again - where thought one thing was happening when it was quite another
I agree with that.
The more I was vehemently myself, the more I was rejected by my boyfriend of 4 years. We were on a vacation and I finally reached a point where I was a sick of the repression and criticism. I was as friendly and affectionate to him as ever but for instance I danced with his daughter and laughed and joked freely. God forbid, I had fun. He broke up with me on the ride home. It was painful but after a year I’ve healed so much and I’m peaceful.
FA (or BPD). Went first weird, cold, then started to heavily imagine how things will go wrong. Lies, refused to communicate. We were going to be together. They got cold feet. Then only friends-mode, I got pissed for them using me. When I tried to talk, the chat account was deleted. It's been now 1,5 months.
Knew the FA for 1 year. Got thrown away like I was nothing.
All your videos on avoidants help me understand.
My ex wasn’t happy because I wasn’t multiple females . He gave me the silent treatment all the time . And I heard a female whisper “she knows” once during a phone call
Exactly, great points and conclusions. I need to start talking to my internal bully
Same
Thank you for this video. It truly helps in my healing journey and making peace with the end of a relationship I truly valued.
Or sometimes there’s someone else and they don’t have the balls to admit it
Wow, thanks for doing this video. Really hit the spot! It's been 1 year since my breakup with my avoidant ex, and I have recently been overwhelmed with guilt and self-criticism over our relationship breakdown. Although, I certainly wasn't perfect and have reflected extensively on my shortcomings for future learning. This video has helped me consider a more balanced perspective and allowed me to give myself some more compassion. Thanks so much
It's easier and harder at the same time when the avoidant believes a lie, or makes up a lie, that I cheated on them. It is impossible to prove innocence, the good thing is no guilt on my side, but there's still plenty self doubt on what I was doing that got them to this point.
Came at the perfect time
Thanks for this video Ken. It’s so true those thoughts are so intense sometimes ❤
You are speaking directly to me. Thank you so much!
On Monday she was telling me she can see me as fitting into her family, and that she feels something serious and genuine for me. The next day she’s coercing me to opening up about my mental health, i tell her that I tried medication and I’ve been struggling a bit. Two hours later telling me we should just be friends. I’m losing my mind
Very typical. Mine confirmed private birthday invitation “Cake, sushi, hottub’ and two hours later: ’All plans cancelled’ - and final break up. (It was the 70th. cycle)
I am so sorry that happened to you.
She probably got scared of your issues, it overwhelmed her and she run away .
Probably felt vulnerable that you were open and honest regarding you emotional or mental state, and she couldn’t level up and do the same with her emotions and that scared her and she ran. Don’t internalise it. To open up to a partner like you have is a strength. Stay strong friend
@@sammyott5288 thank you!
Today I have been really anxious about the possibility that came into my mind, that what if I wasn't good-looking enough for my partner, and that's why it was so easy for him to discard me.
This video helped me remember, or underline the fact, that he told me several times that my appearance was basically from his dreams.
Also thank you for talking about inner critic the way you did. I hadn't realised that my doubts and fears can also count as inner critic, even if they're not something I absolutely believe to be true. Even if I don't literally criticise myself with them in the sense that I would use phrases like "I should've - -" or "why did I not - -".
Mine broke up with me yesterday due to me wanting of her time but she was the one who always invites me out
I was told I work all the time, which is true and also that I treated him like he couldn’t do anything right. Both probably true and I’ve been beating myself up about it for months. Stuck in phase one, like you said.
I’ve never had this complaint before.
What makes it crazy, is he had no ambition or goals and I gave him a job. So I was supporting both of us and he didn’t seem to mind for the first year.
And I’m not sure if I started treating him like he was incapable because he was intentionally acting that way. Never have I done that before, but it was criticism and I guess he couldn’t take that.
Thank you for these videos. It helps me not blame myself so intensely and realize it was mostly him and inwardly I just need to keep myself in check even when someone is pushing buttons.
I was pretty half in , half out as i analysed him by behaviour,it was like im not feeling secure..
Every time we met he would disappear or returning to a date app, the hardest part im really private and disabled , instead of making me feel secure , my disabilty crept up being really insecure, and hed blame my doubts on me, being insecure and the last time we met he said i do love you, and he slowly disappeared in a week ..that hurt so much.. in a year and half i think god wtf i was so lucky he left
Thanks Ken, good.stuff, helpful to hear it was never going to work cos of avoidance.
Any chance you could explain the difference please between avoidant personality disorder and severe avoidant attachment?
My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. I was Totally blindsided, shes avoidant, she says she needs time for her own mental health improvement. She said ive done nothing wrong, provided everything she needed. The only piece of criticism given to me is that my "vocabulary is much better and it feels like when you (me) talk it goes over my head"
That seems outrageous.....
How can one be broken up with for being smarter than their partner? Does that now sound ridiculous? Shes scared because i fit everything she wants but doesnt like it at the same time. So entirely confusing. I need help navigating this.
Yes, that is ridiculous. I hope you learn more about this affliction and you will then realize you dodged a bullet!!!! God bless you, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 thank you @repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 for being so kind. May God bless you and keep you.
I'm saddened more that I cannot witness to her any longer and try to save her soul.
Jesus Christ is Lord.
@@wrxman16 Aw, I'm so sorry and I will pray right now that she comes to Jesus very soon!
How often do they come back?
I think more often than not but after you've done this on and off thing for a while, there's always gonna be that last final time after which they won't come back... Depends on which type avoidant they are as well.
Depends if you pick up on who they really are. You might need to not say hey this is your attachment style and this is why you are etc it’s best to keep those thoughts to yourself. Have them do therapy and have them work on themselves while maintaining the situationship
Why on earth would you want them back? Esp after the way they treated you and possibly discarded you? Grow some self worth man!
We went through about 70 breakups in about 6 years. She always came back - always accepted unconditionally by me - after a couple of days, weeks or months 69 times. It caused me a mental health crisis.
@@jurgenwehner3607 That's because YOU allowed it. Stop allowing her access to you. Problem solved.
I think you scared that man bcause you were more sharp , earnest and smarter and still a good person. For some people that make them feel less valuable. And they don't gave the guts to develop alongside with you, wha do you think about this teori? Perhaps you got an abondment issue from childhood too, narcissistic father , or no ratjer at all?
Just wandering. Hope I never get disappointed like that, do have som trust issue myself though, all though I am earnest, but not entirely an angel all the time , as somewhat avoidant myself
Thank you Ken ❤️🩹