I sit next to someone who has social anxiety and I have social anxiety. We are the only two people sitting in our department and let me tell you the silence in the room is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Without another person filling the void him and I will spend 8 hours a day next to each other with only "good morning" and "have a good night" be our only interactions. The funniest part, we have the same birthday.
"Don't carry the whole conversation" as someone who is socially anxious this really great advice. i always always always forget that i don't need to say more than a few simple words. This eases the pressure. IDK why i think that i need to talk a lot.
I don't speak that much but I'm really improving now. I feel like my opinion isn't needed, and it used to be that I'd only speak to raise a factual point and never my own opinion. Now I've made the conclusion that people are less comfortable around me because they don't know what I think, and thus while people rarely dislike me, they also feel like I don't see them as a friend or similar. Now I've began just blurting things out, and sometimes I say the wrong things and it makes me really want to just speak only in facts again, but looking back now I feel much closer to the people I call friends, and they are much more willing to invite me because they know now that I enjoy spending time with them and I do pay attention to what they say and what they do. I'm not completely there yet, but I think just taking the hit, saying things of no value to a conversation, actually do have value because when people know where my headspace is, they don't have to assume how I feel about them which is almost always positive, but other people usually assume it's negative or at the very least indifferent which is still not a mood that will make you want to invite that person. Update: I didn't intend to edit this comment at all but it seems to be pretty active recently and the replies are all very positive. I wouldn't say I'm "normal" when it comes to social interaction, but I'm a whole lot better at it and a whole lot more confident. A side effect of speaking more is that a lot of people think I'm autistic, and honestly I agree with them. If I do indeed have autism then it makes a lot of sense why I struggled so much with speaking "normally" and thus tried to avoid it altogether. I'm getting invited more frequently to outings, and I even had a relationship for a while. I don't agree with the typical "just be yourself" advice because I wouldn't say I'm any more or less of "myself" but I'm certainly a version of myself that others can be more comfortable around and once they understand that side of me I can then be as reserved as I once was and they can accept that side of me too. Some people still see me as weird, possibly weirder than I would've been had I said nothing, but those people never would've been my close friends so it's a worthwhile tradeoff. Hopefully if you're in a similar situation you can figure out your own solution. There's no easy way to explain what I'm doing differently so it might not be as easy as reading a UA-cam comment but no matter how long you've felt this way, if you never stop trying to improve your life then things will get better. If you give up they'll only stay as they are.
This is so true! I’m guilty of this too, when I don’t express my opinions people don’t know where they stand with me and it can make them uncomfortable. Took me so long to realize this. I also realized that I have an underlying belief that everyone else is smarter and more important than me, which is absolutely not true, but it explains why I’ve always been so reluctant to talk. About just blurting things out, I relate so much to this! It’s normal to do this when you don’t have much practice expressing yourself, sort of like a pendulum that swings too far in the other direction at first. Keep it up and with more practice you’ll get better, I went through the same thing when I started re-programming these beliefs.
also worth mentioning, just because something you're saying isn't a factual statement doesn't mean it has no value. A human being with no opinions/jokes/random shower thoughts/etc is like a pack animal with no scent. it's not possible for his/her packmates to get sufficient information about him or her with a whole channel of communication missing. we're moderns, but we're still made of meat, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. play along a little!
I think what people don't like is social interactions where someone wants something from them, and they don't want to give it to them, or don't know what it is that they want from them. I think the more we crave social interaction and feel uncomfortable by it, the more we crave some kind of social validation from the people we talk to, but don't even know what that looks like. So we hang around wanting more, and they feel uncomfortable because they don't know what we want or how to give it to us. The secret in social interactions is to not want a particular response. It's to express yourself without expectation of some response, it's to offer something of value to other people. These two things are separate events. When you express yourself, that could get some kind of negative response, but you do that for you. When you offer value to other people, you do that for them. This value is something like just listening to them, acknowledging them, accepting them, things that make them feel safe and comfortable. Try to offer more than you express, but express what you need to. Most conversations have no utilitarian value intrinsically. So when you think you say something that has no value in a conversation, pretty much everything doesn't have value in a conversation. Unless we're actively engaged in solving a problem or working on some kind of project, most conversation is just communicating where your headspace is. What makes people uncomfortable in conversation is when they get something from it. So even if you say random shit, but you acknowledge them and show that you accept what they're talking about and make them feel safe in expressing it, they are liable to feel comfortable in the conversation, and try to understand how that non-sequitur fits in and accept you and make you feel safe in expressing it. But if you interrupt them to say random shit and they feel like you don't care what they were talking about and show that you don't feel what they had to say was important and they feel awkward trying to keep talking about it with you around, then they will not enjoy it. Finally, try being direct following similar rules. If you want to make sure people know you feel positive things about them, then tell them you think positive things about them. But when you do this, remember this is the expression side of the equation, not the offer side of the equation. You don't need to worry about how they will react, but this isn't the heavy lifting of the conversation. This is your personal release. This is what you get from it. Then give back by listening, validating, caring about what they have to say. Don't think that kind of expression can cover for that actual work even if you're saying positive things, otherwise they will just be empty words.
The worst is attempting to speak more and being met by nothing but awkward silence. I kinda feel like relapsing back into silence cause talking always brings up the possibility of conflict or rejection.
True. It hurts a lot :) That's the reason I've developed a pretty unhealthy mechanism to keep reminding myself of all the embrassing talks I've made. Every now and then I keep remind myself that people will forget about it anyways despite those thoughts keep surging back. While it still really hurts a lot, I still choose to go out and do it. I don't really know what my motivation is, sometimes I'd still be too scared to get outside, but someday when the overwheming pain of keeping stuffs to myself getting too big and I decided to try again.
My mom used to pick my brother, my sister and me up after school. While driving she asked us how our day was, but when I wanted to speak up I always got shut down with "let your older brother talk, you can tell me about it later". When my brother finished talking I had already forgotten what the exiting news where or got lost in a daydream. My father was always late a work, I only saw him when he tucked us kids into bed. I always asked questions like "what came first, the hen or the egg" I remember laying in bed and thinking about what I was going to ask him tonight. One day he stopped saying good night. I was pretty good in class and volunteered to answer their questions, but after a while I started to notice teachers rather asked someone who didn't volunteered. So I stopped volunteering, and teachers still didn't call my name to let me speak. There were days I didn't say a single word in class. I felt ignored at home and wanted to fill that lack of attention by being the best at school to get the attention of my teachers. Sorry about my rambling, I wanted to write those memorys down. If you are reading this, have a nice day!
I relate to this a lot actually super unfortunate but I understand because I did a sort of similar thing the only difference is I wanted to learn about everything not just be the best in my class
im so sorry to read this, i really hope you will find or have already found the friends who are actually interested in what you have to say! it can be difficult to find these people but your tactic asking your father something every night was a great idea and can help a LOT in finding true friends (of which is a good indicator whether if they ask back)
I started my exposure therapy by saying hi to whomever I encountered in the hallway of my apartment building. It was terrifying at first because I was one of those people who'd wait until the hallway was empty before I emerged from my apartment. Now it's almost effortless, and I can socialize in a variety of other ways too :)
I own a house, and I kind of do that with some of the other occupants. It’s more that I don’t like feeling like outsiders are in my home rather than anxiety about being around them.
It's not that I'm scared people will think I'm stupid or anything but I don't speak up about anything because I just have no life experiences or anything to talk about, it's quite literally impossible for small talk to happen
@@Dimitris_Half I guess my problem is I don't interact with anyone that's interested in stuff like heavy metal or weightlifting, but my life is just so god damn basic lmao. I lift, play video games, work, and sleep. That's it, and im okay with it, but it makes it impossible to relate to anyone.
@@Dimitris_Half Thing about my work life is I do monotonous (and remote) data entry, there's not a whole lot to talk about lol, I clock in, enter numbers into programs and spreadsheets then clock out. I also can't remember the last time I talked to someone my own age IRL, so that doesn't help.
@@zacharyleahy9707 Would a gym not be the best place to make friends then? At least you'd be surrounded by those that have similar interests in terms of lifting. As for gaining hobbies, you should probably search for simple things one can partake in around your city. Something, anything to add to your list of hobbies to use as a conversation starter, though preferably something within your sphere of interests.
"We know if we don't talk to anyone, like sure we're gonna be kinda miserable, but at least we'll be safe." (5:42) That was just worded so perfectly, it's exactly what goes on in my mind.
@juliab3326Yeah, it’s good to listen and all, but I’m just an observer and nothing more in most interactions. I’m all too familiar with that dinner table situation you’re talking about.
I just find myself not talking to someone because I don't see a reason for it. It doesn't honestly matter to me how their day is going or what little things they've done today, just as they don't sincerely care about those things in reference to me. I don't see anything being gained by talking to someone just to talk.
I think the fact that we are not allowed to speak up to our elders as it is a act of rudeness, specifically to our parents played a part here. Happens to some families like mine lol.
I love how Dr.K goes all caveman like and starts scribbeling on the wall showing fellow tribe members a simplification of what he is trying to communicate.
EXCUSE ANNYONNY, THAT CAVEPERSON TO TZHERKIN, BIGOT. ANNYO;NNY IDENTIFY AS CAVEPERSON. CAVEPEOPLE NO SCRIBBLE ON WALL, THAT HARMFUL STEOREOTYPE. ANNYONNY REPORT TZHERKIN TO FBI NOW FOR SPREAD OFY MISINFORMATION.
Just throwing this out there because I know I’m not the only one, growing up on 4chan and Reddit gave me a lifelong fear of being cringe that turned my natural quiet nature into intense social anxiety. I was terrified of being judged or especially being annoying. It took me years to realize, then more years to work through.
I didn't grow up with the internet quite as much, but I definitely have a fear of being cringe/annoying. Its the main thing that stops me from engaging,
yeah social media (and esp toxic spaces like 4chan) really fcks with our heads. I blocked Reddit and twitter on my devices so I can only access them occasionally when Im using someone else's device, and my anxiety has improved DRAMATICALLY. It was hard at first bc I was experiencing minor withdrawal symptoms like heightened anxiety and stuff like that for the first 2 weeks, but after those subsided it helped my mental health so much. Im actually thinking of a way to do that with youtube comment section too (reading comments can also affect my mental health) but I haven't figured out a way to do that yet
I notice it is usually much easier to initiate interaction with people, when you keep it sort of... out of focus. Not the main goal or task, but as something on the side while you're busy building something or working on something. Especially if it's a group activity. I guess after all, there really is something to those 'silly' team building exercises, or building clay volcanos or some papier maché hats in a group as ice breakers.🤔
Yeah it's one of the ways to reduce perceived price of the action because it's not only the action that requires energy, but your reaction to it which includes expectation of a an inevitable horrible outcome and emotions regarding that impending event. I went to therapy and one of the things that helped was making everything an experiment: I'm not doing an action that will lead to world ending humiliation, I'm conducting an experiment to see how others will react, interact with me and what I can do and learn. Reduces anxiety significantly
This is a great way to connect more deeply with people who are uncomfortable with direct connection. Doing a project together or taking a walk while you talk works really well
@@reinaldomartinez13 It's from Gestalt Therapy, they separate session into talking with a therapists and sometimes into experiments - some interaction, or focusing on yourself, or doing something with your body, etc., so I decided to spread that thinking into real life too. Hope it will help
One issue I used to deal with a lot back when I had bad anxiety was the notion of consistency in personality. Especially when meeting new people one day I would build-up the courage to introduce myself and we will talk but the next day I would feel more and more anxious and would feel like I would I have to keep that up
i feel that, the expectation to keep the relationship going well even tho u just met them. that courage doesn’t last long and fades away. u would hav to build up the courage again. i always felt so much pressure when meeting a new friend or acquaintance for the first time.and having to keep up that courage and break through the anxiety
Yea definitely that’s how I was too & I didn’t actually know my true self because I would play a character everytime I was around people & I would physically & mentally feel completely different than I did just by myself.
Yesss!!! This is like my biggest problem with everybody. I get so stressed about not being on the same energy or confidence level the next time I talk to them. I don't struggle in conversations with strangers as much as with people I kind of know. Not sure how do deal with it :/
At the beginning of my previous semester, a professor had us get into little groups in a Discord channel in the first session of his class. Everyone basically joined a random channel, and i just disabled my anxiety-ridden brain for a second and joined a channel where a guy had an anime profile pic (might as well take that as an indicator to try). From our inital conversations i quickly realized that he shared basically the exact same interests as me, down to quite a niche level. Since the class was entirely online, i never actually met him (still haven't), and only got to interact with him briefly once a week. When the final test of the class closed in, i mustered up the courage to suggest that we could prepare for it together (since the professor also explicitly said that the test could be completed in a group). In the following weeks, we prepared for the test and he suggested we should hang out together online in the future. In the past ~2 months, i started regularly hanging out with him and his group of pals on their Discord server and we hang out together and play games until the early hours basically every day now (it's between semesters rn). Our interests are basically identical, i can earnestly talk about things with him that i thought i would never be able to with anyone ever, for hours on end. It's almost like meeting a lost twin, brother or soulmate. Maybe this is hyperbole, but i honestly never had as much hope as i have now. This is the first time in my life that i opened up, triumphed over my instinct to curl into a ball - and i have had the world opened up to me. I always considered myself exceedingly unlucky, miserable, inept, useless and hopeless. But this one time in my life, i was unbelievably lucky. I have to honestly thank that professor one day; from the get go he had as form groups and gave us the unexpected option to also write the test in that group. I had the luck to join the right Discord channel, with the right people in it, only guided by a literal anime profile pic. I can't even imagine where i would be at now if i had not attended the online class introduction that day, not joined that specific channel, and not reignited contact later that semester. It's like i finally bumped into a friend that lived his whole life beside me, unnoticed. I honestly expected to just waste away and eventually wither, but now i finally have something i can look forward to. In a few days i will return to the city i study at (my first 3 semesters were basically purely digital) and we already plan to hang out in our free time. There's so many things i want to do, to catch up on years and years of youth that didn't happen and of which i thought they never would. I'm rambling on, but one last thing: Please, please have hope. When i first watched videos on this channel, i was in a miserable limbo between a wasted youth and a future without prospects, but now - by grabbing the one chance i got and running with it - i belive i might have my "college debut" yet, and kickstart a proper life. Defeat resignation and hesistation in that one critical moment - and triumph. Alles wird gut.
Professors using Discord? That sounds weird. Some professors can't even open up a zip file that's e-mailed to them because Gmail doesn't support viewing them in the browser.
On top of never speaking lol, I have trouble ever actually seeing anyone as a friend. I made like 4 “friends” last semester in a lab class and we still talk often. Found out one of them lives in my building and we talk every day. Even signed up for similar classes for the fall. But I just have this overhead feeling that eventually it’ll all come to an end. I’ve never had any “bad” friendship experiences but I assume this every single time. So much so that I may even start acting in ways or saying things to expedite the end of it. And it gives me a sort of safety self satisfaction? Like “yeah, I knew it. I was right”. And then the loneliness continues. But as you said, im miserable, but im safe. So it doens’t matter. And after watching this I gather that it’s probably because I haven’t had many friendship experiences in general so the longer things go on, the less certain I am of an outcome so my brain is naturally looking for “the end”. Even though friendship is usually an allegedly infinite thing.
Things are going fine, but you're the one seeking to end it. Aren't that just the typical low self-esteem situation. No worries, your friend should accept you. As long as you guys are clear with each other, help and don't hold grudge against each other, you'll be fine. Maybe it's time for you to be the new leaf growing over.
Lol seeing friendship as something meant to be infinite is setting yourself up for failure my friend ;) We walk many different paths in life. Sometimes the paths we walk align. Sometimes they diverge. And that's okay too. Sometimes you will swap path and your friends will be at the same point in their life too. Not always. Sometimes you might find yourself back on the same path once more after many years. They say most friendships last 8 or less years. This is about the length of each major period in our lives, before big changes happen. If a friendship lasts longer than 8-10 years, only then would i say there is a chance It will last forever The best friendships are the ones where you don't speak for ages but when you do its like you never missed a beat. Back to how it always was (: Peace P.s this info comes from years of turmoil and dwelling on lost friendships
All friendships end because people have no reason to keep em. I was semi popular for a while hanged out with a bunch of people but only really had like 20-30 *friends* all said friends Pretty much disappeared once i stopped basing my life around them or didnt wanna follow their toxic lifestyle. Your only friend is yourself,its not black,red,blue w/e the fack pill or what not bs term people use its a reality,only keep people around you that help you achieve your goals or teach you something and always be ready to let go.
Sounds more like an acquaintance rather than a friend. It goes both ways, your relationship can deepen based on how much time both parties invest in each other
Damn this hits home. I recently went to a book release convention for my favorite author. I'm surrounded by people with similar interest and could probably have had some amazing discussions and met cool people...except I didn't speak to anyone unless they commented on what I was wearing. The event was a great experience, but as usual I left it just feeling lonely. I really do have a problem where, if I know I should be the one to engage with someone, I just feel like I'm bothering them. It's a vicious cycle.
Well before i became ~15 years old i tried to be sociable and talk with people, but nobody was interested in what im saying and always interrupted my talk. Always. So at first i stopped talking - because nobody was respect my talk - and i thought my taciturnity will make situations when im speak more valuable. Well, i was really wrong So at end i just quit talking with people that dont respect me - and basically became a man without any company. At all, i was talking almost with nobody. And i tried, but couldn't became part of any other group of people Now i dont know how to speak in groups of people, how to find these groups, how to behave around people And im lonely.
Start small just start just do it it's practice everyone not for you but there are people out there who will connect with you if you never try you won't find them just do it 12345 go
@@kdthdestroyer thanks for support man! Im trying to self-educate myself for indie gamedev, and then i guess i would find people to talk to (because this is field of people with similair interests and etc. Job unites i think)
I mean it's completely fair. As a properly adapted introvert, you really need to find your people. Talking to people just for it's own sake is... okay but it's nothing compared to actual friendships with people who like you or even get you.
You don’t jump up a whole staircase you just take 1 or 2 steps at a time & work your way gradually & gracefully Don’t worry about the end goal, just focus on the next step & don’t let fear of failure stop you from moving 1 or 2 steps forward
“It’s not a comfort zone it’s a safety zone” I guess that makes sense or I’d feel comfortable not saying anything… I feel safe but I don’t feel comfortable!
I feel this a lot. For most of my life I was always criticized/made fun of for what I said. Ive tried to be more sociable but I usually end up getting patronized or ignored. Always left out in family gatherings always left out in social events, I always assume people dont want to hear me talk, so now I just dont say anything unless someone asks me something. I cant even participate in family discussions during dinner, because they always assumed I didnt want to talk. Thats not the truth, I WANT to talk but Ik I wont be taken as seriously for it. I WANT to be included, I WANT do normal human things, I dunno if its anxiety or depression or something but I sort of expect to not attain these things.
I'd like to recommend a book for you that I feel expresses The need to feel and be human really well. It's "Frankenstein or the modern day Prometheus" written by Mary(I forgot her last name ._.). The origin of the Frankenstein story. Edit: The author's name is Mary Shelly
Here's some quotes from the book I really like. “Of my creation and creator I was absolutely ignorant, but I knew that I possessed no money, no friends, no kind of property. I was, besides, endued with a figure hideously deformed and loathsome; I was not even of the same nature as man. I was more agile than they and could subsist upon coarser diet; I bore the extremes of heat and cold with less injury to my frame; my stature far exceeded theirs. When I looked around I saw and heard of none like me. Was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth, from which all men fled and whom all men disowned?” “I admired virtue and good feelings and loved the gentle manners and amiable qualities of my cottagers, but I was shut out from intercourse with them, except through means which I obtained by stealth, when I was unseen and unknown, and which rather increased than satisfied the desire I had of becoming one among my fellows. The gentle words of Agatha and the animated smiles of the charming Arabian were not for me. The mild exhortations of the old man and the lively conversation of the loved Felix were not for me. Miserable, unhappy wretch!” Remember that I am thy creature; I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed. Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous."
@@TheGrowlingAraknidWow, that is heart-wrenchingly emotional… 💔🗡️ I am shocked I never knew the real story about Frankenstein… I saw your post, then became curious and spent the next 1.5 hours reading about the story of Frankenstein and its author Mary Shelley… Gosh 💔😢
This is exactly what I started to do in my teens to learn how to be more "normal" and "interesting" to talk to. I definitely started off with some sort of planned scripts that I overthought every night but then slowly things started coming more naturally as I learnt how people usually react to certain things I say, and I used those experiences to find even more "options in the script". Then at some point I started to genuinely like having random, short conversations with strangers just for the sake of connecting with another person for a moment. It really helps you feel like you're part of society. Also, the thing that helped me most was to realise that I could just start conversations to amuse myself. Not to connect to a specific person, not to befriend someone, but just to pass the time. Loooots of people like that, especially older folk and people bored at work. And if someone doesn't respond, they clearly don't like to pass time in the same way as me, and that's ok. Sometimes somebody else nearby starts talking with me instead. I still just say random shit that comes to mind to amuse myself and maybe make someone else laugh, which makes me feel good too. So, it really does get better and easier with each small interaction. Excellent video, thanks man!
"You Don’t Speak Unless You Are Spoken To" I do that naturally since I don't ever have anything to say to people. I mean, I think a lot I have stuff on my mind I just think they don't care or they don't want to listen. That's why I talk alot more with friends or family since they're someone who actually cares about me so I can just casually speak with them unlike strangers.
So I'm sitting through this video going "pretty easy, I do this a lot" (just saying hi or saying thank you to a cashier seems like common courtesy) then he says "tell the waiter when you don't like your meal" and I swear that phrase alone sparked some sort of fight-or-flight in me because my heart rate IMMEDIATELY shot up
BRO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THIS VIDEO IS HELPING ME I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITHTHIS ISSUE ALL MY LIFE! Im Turing 19 next year and with the pandemic stuff and my introvert ass has not been socially active for 2 years which makes me even more socially awkward thanks to this I'mma start to apply the knowledge I got in this video to improve myself thank you
I used to never know what to say in social settings, I realized I never really paid that much attention to people, what they were saying, and what I received about them. As soon as I stopped giving my thoughts so much attention, my curiosity about people and my ability to bounce off of them skyrocketed. It’s like meditation but instead of observing your own thoughts and feelings you’re observing others
I don’t struggle with initiating conversation with people, I just don’t know how to structure my sentences sometimes. I really struggle with articulation like… explaining myself lol
@@paquitopito9289 same. I think my ADD has a lot to do with that. My mind is 10x more sluggish than my body in deciding idk it’s so fucking weird and annoying
The hypothetical scenario where the waiter and the person at the bus stop and the person in the class all meet at the party and talk about you was not only hilarious, but an amazing illustration of the ridiculousness of your minds fear mongering. I needed to hear that. ❤
Totally agree with the mind holding on to bad experiences. 5 years ago I was in New York city and I got a stomach flu. I ate a banana before I started throwing up and I still gag almost everytime I eat a banana. I feel like school does the same thing to people in social situations. You get laughed at or bullied you eventually start to think people are just gonna be dicks in the real world.
Yea only people who are self aware, a majority of people don’t overcomplicate simple things the way people with anxiety/ social anxiety do maybe something similar but no where near the intensity
I ate an omelet once, which I had never had a problem with previously, but this time I threw it all up, I didn’t eat an omelet for quite a few years after that but I eventually got over it.
the best advice i ever got that i still hear in my self consciousness is- “not every first interaction has to be perfect” the context she later explained was that i shouldnt waste time in being what we what to think we are, everything is always changing anyways. you* cant waste the time we have right now on what we all waste time on later on. now it’s when you can do something so do something and start small
I received great advice from somebody about this kind of thing. He was an ex-con who flipped his life around at we worked together at Home Depot. I went to him for advice on this and all he did was rephrase the “just be yourself, put yourself out there” and he said to me, “talk to people like you know them.” I have never received better advice in my life
Love Is A Powerful Thing my Man, Open up and Explain when you've gathered your self together, it sounds horrid but what else is gonna happen if don't say Something time After time we know what we're doing just Take your Time.. You'll have it in the End Champ.❤
It's never too late to talk, you still have a voice. Kindness goes a long way and you just might be the kindness someone might need to see in their life :)
i needed this, thank you. i am going out with a girl i really really like and was kinda nervous but, the more i interact with people, i realize the best option for conversation is always just being yourself and asking and talking about the things that i actually like to engage with, instead of just trying to find the “right way “ to approach someone. also, i realized that if people want you in there life, you will know. so just let it all flow stop trying to be ten steps ahead on a conversation and just stay in the now. be more reactive and listen to what they want to communicate , instead of just trying to map out a conversation. love your videos doc
Just reading the title here lol. It's actually pretty common for neurodivergent people to not do something unless they're told to or being asked directly to do so, especially since our executive function doesn't let us know what we're supposed to do. However, with people I know personally is much easier to know their pattern/preference so I can just ask them this, this and that because they're interested in this but with people I barely know my mind just goes into "where dafuq do i even start", it turns into small talks and then it annoys me haha
I also find that i'm significantly more likely to engage in conversation or relationships with other neurodivergent ppl (adhd), compared to neurotypicals because i have to expend SIGNIFICANTLY less energy to be understood at a basic level haha
@@IPH-1212 dunno about proper/similar terminology but same thing - I also feel much more ease speaking with "similar" people. It's like you are beforehand on the same wave/level and don't need to explain tons of conditionality to each other to understand each other. I felt such way(being truly understood) writing short vague sentence of self-expression that no "random" person would understand a cause and than to my surprise streamer girl read that(silently) and answered in a way with full compassion, like that situation was common for her as well... I was like "oh, wow... I didn't expect that in a slightest", and I highly value such random interactions of mutual understanding.
Unsure if I'm neurodivergent, but this is another thing to the bucket of things I can relate to. That's why I have such a hard time making friends when there's no explicit purpose for our interaction (say, a classroom setting where we have to talk about the material); otherwise, I too don't speak usually unless I'm spoken to
I usually don’t speak up first because I genuinely dislike conversation, I find it very boring most of the time. I spend 95% of my day concentrating intensely on something, usually talking to people is the least of my concerns. It should also be noted that I don’t often feel lonely, so I don’t suffer from the desire to socialize with others more than an hour a day.
Damn I wish dr K existed when I was younger. A lot of the stuff he says I had to figure out on my own (and I still can't express it as eloquently as he can ofc). But as a millenial nearing his 30s, I can vouch that you should listen to what this man has to say
Same. I was in my mid-20s before a therapist told me all this and it blew my mind. I grew up just thinking something was wrong with me and I was a failure for not knowing how to “be social”. I just had to work out some childhood crap and get some practice, and things are so much easier now. But I went through so much needless suffering, stuff like this should be taught in school imo
I approach social interaction as playing tennis, if someone plays decent tennis I engage more often with them. If they on the other hand are shitty at tennis and don’t know how to play accordingly I engage with them less often since it creates a lot of frustration and stress
I approach social interactions like youtube videos, I just watch videos I find entertaining or interesting... but in conversations you are also the youtuber and the viewer at the same time as in its both of us reciprocrating... I just came from watching his video about ADHD I don't belong here but would you return my tennis serve??? xD (I just wrote what my unfiltered ADHD mind is constantly thinking through with or without social interactions... I started writing this to say sth helpful by showing my 'chronic' ADHD mind unfiltered but now I think I am actually being ignorant... I guess I thought sharing a different type of brain's thought perspective might be useful but naaahhh
maybe get another hobby? there's a lot more to life than tennis and you can have friends who have different hobbies than you! by restricting yourself to only those who play tennis, your missing out on a lot of potential opportunities for yourself
@@SemekiIzuio that’s the issue is school has you in this routine where you’re constantly seeing the same people everyday. Not many situations like that as an adult besides maybe joining a club or a job . It’s easier to build relationships with people you see on a daily basis
My log: *Monday* Me: “Hey how are you?” Them: “Good, and you?” *Tuesday* Anxiety, skipped *Wednesday* Me: “How’re the sandwiches?” Them: “this…this is a lecture hall…” *Thursday* Me: Voice cracks “I THINK ILL HAVE SALAD” Them: “Are you..do you need help?” *Friday* Me: “Hey Vanessa I was wondering what your name was we’ve been talking all week” Them: “How do you know my name?” *Friday Night* Me: “My fish was undercooked but it’s ok” The Cops: “what?” I’ll post more when I’m out guys, so far so good
I just wanted to leave an idea for the restaurant issue: I went to a Vietnamese restaurant once, not having a clue about the dishes. Luckily, I knew what I wanted (duck + rice), but not what to order. So I asked the waiter which one of the dishes was hot and salty. He showed me, I thanked him and ordered. Maybe somebody can make use of this.
Most of the time it's okay for me to start a conversation or say hi and chat a bit, but what I'm unable to do is form a friendship out of that. I'm okay with making small talk, but I struggle to hold or continue conversations. I don't know what to talk about, especially when I find this person super cool and I'm really intimidated by them. I then become awkward and behave in a way I would never do otherwise. I'm completely masking my personality. I also often feel like we're not compatible. Sometimes, I don't even think we'd have a great time together. I just want to be part of the social circle. I want to engage with them cause I see people having fun together at work and getting along well. I have no idea if it's self-sabotage or if I actually don't 'work out' with many people. My therapist said I might be hypersensitive, at the clinic they said I have an avoidant-insecure personality disorder. It's so confusing.
I do feel like being on the internet does nothing but bad things for people with anxiety, because on say something like twitter, the situation he described of someone publicly shaming you for being socially awkward actually does happen, because anonymity seemingly breeds a willingness to be rude to/about other people because there's no consequence.
There's no reason to talk/speak purely for the sake of it. If there's nothing worth saying, then there isn't a reason to say something. If there is something worth saying, then say something. Silence is just as valuable as conversation. The only problem comes from a person not being able to initiate conversation or respond when they want to speak. That is to say, wanting to do something but being unable to do it is completely different than not wanting to do something but able to if that want changes. I think a lot of people honestly need to spend more time thinking and listening than talking; those are valuable communication skills.
I don't speak at all unless someone talks to me first. I sit alone in class and I can feel everyone stare at me whenever I walk in. I know they dislike me and it's too late for me to change cause it's already been a year since I joined this school. It would be weird if I suddenly spoke to everyone.
Yup they don't dislike you, they just got trained within the year to ignore you how you appear to ignore them. Even when they know you're not unfriendly its hard to be friendly to someone when the proactivity is imbalanced.
>It would be weird if I suddenly spoke to everyone. Was in a similar situation where I was about to change my personality drastically overnight and worried about the same thing. There will be the 'switch' moment that catches people off-guard, "why is this quiet dude now saying hi and asking questions to everyone" they might think this is weird/you're weird but not make any comment about it. But if you go in full throttle and never look back then people will go with the flow and adapt. It only remains weird if you're sitting on the fence halfway between your "old" outward appearance and your "new" one, then you look really unconfident. You want people to stay "behind" on you so to speak. Don't wait for them to catch up, catch them off-guard every single time. Go full throttle so they are stuck adapting and don't have any time to think. Not everyone can do this, you may just have to force yourself through the awkward 'halfway' phase. At the end of the day, everyone just goes with the flow of life. Someone that changes overnight like that is weird but also interesting, and if you appear confident on top of that you've already drawing interest onto yourself
Then don’t “suddenly speak to everyone”. Dr K explained how to take the baby steps. Just as you sit down, say “hey” to the person next to you. That’s it. Next day say “hey” to the other person next to you. If someone stares, nod in acknowledgement like I see you too. Then maybe throw in a “mornin’” or “hows it going”. You can do this!!
I was cackling through this whole video because it’s so true 😂 my social anxiety makes me think the worst and then I feel the need to plan everything out. It’s a lot easier once you take that first step
I have the same problem, but I find that my protective thoughts are right close to 100% of the time. I end up being ridiculed and alienated by the people I try to interact with. So the idea that I am a bother to people is valid. I appreciate these videos and I want to change myself, thank you for the content.
This is literally what I went through a few months ago after being isolated homeschooled for 2 years of my highschool life. My 3rd year I decided to give school a try and I had the exact same problem. It’s my junior year, I’m the new kid and everyone there has been friends since kindergarten. I had the exact same experience as the guy on Reddit. I lasted 3 months until I couldn’t take it anymore and went back to homeschooling. I’ve been isolated at home being homeschooled on a website ever since and it’s already the end of my junior year. I’m really unhealthy and have a bad sleep schedule bc of my easy introverted life. So my junior year went by so fast I didn’t even notice it was May. My parents might force me to go to a real school for my last year of highschool so this is a huge help. Having this video randomly on my recommended is so convenient for me I was shocked by how similar my situation is with this Reddit person and got the help I didn’t know I needed from this content creator that btw I’ve never watched before. I’ve only seen him talk to XQC that one time. But thank you HealthyGamerGG and thank you UA-cam algorithm. I wasn’t gonna comment on this video but HealthyGamerGG’s advice has impacted me so much that I just felt like sharing my story out there. I have hope it won’t be the same like last time and try these steps to prevent how anxious and depressed I felt before. Wish me luck on my senior year!!
@@bananaspilt1988 I got into a virtual school with classmates and tried going outside more doing side jobs. Going out and exercising helped but I've stopped going out as much and quit exercising so now I feel like I'm just on autopilot. I got accepted in my closest University for computer engineering but I'm not that excited, it's just more school after all. I just feel it's a necessity for life and wanted to make my parents proud. Overall I feel lost and stressed for the future.
Since my parent were 36 when I was born, I was always surrounded by "old people" growing up and there is no way in hell I would start conversations, but that made a great listener and thought me when to chime in or change subjects. People have told me many times that is great having me around because I dont need to talk 24/7 😅 and I found myself being friends with all kinds of people because I'm not the center of attention, but im the glue.
i love that this channel exists. Even with some of the situations I don't necessarily struggle with, as an example this video ( I do struggle a tiny bit to make friends and to initiate conversation but i've started uni and have a couple of people I sit with ), it shows how are minds are all different. Your videos have helped me alot. Thank you Dr. K 😁😇
I’m a very introverted person. Ever since quarantine, making conversation and hoping it goes fine would be a train wreck of an idea since I’ve developed a sort of social anxiety and awkardness. I’ve socially isolated from even my closest of friends. A year in quarantine I haven’t really connected with society since school has been online and all that. When physical school came, I struggled with talking, I was scared of my image, and the results of things I would say. I realized I needed to take a 180 of where I was going, to stop being the quiet shy kid and express myself how I want to be seen. Being social is a necessary life skill anyways. I made effort to talk and I got a little more used to saying stuff from my mind without giving much of a second thought. Made a couple friends, made school a less boring experience and just grateful I could do these things. I have much to learn and I’m far from my goals but I need to stay optimistic. You don’t know if you never try, don’t be scared of being out there because most of the time the only person judging you is yourself!
I have the exact opposite problem. I'm usually pretty chatty once I warm up to social situations, but then I always feel like a moron because I talked way too much.
You make the quiet people like me more comfortable. I like existing with my friends but I don’t like talking much. Having talky people around to fill the silence is nice
@@hotwasabi69 Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I've rambled on about random stuff and been like "oh I'm probably being annoying huh I should give X or Y a chance to talk" but then they don't say much and I'm like oh are they just tired of me now but like we still hang out and stuff so idk 😐. I think X or Y might be similar to you.
@@hotwasabi69 I agree with this too. Im quiet and even with my best friend I don't talk much. She talks a lot and I love it, I feel so much more comfortable listening and just jetting in with responses every now and then, while not having to worry about coming up with loads to say
I also prefer chatty people to be around me to do the talking but also allow me to talk and insert my own opinions too when I get the courage to speak. I prefer chatty people who can listen.
My issue with this sort of thing is that I have zero problems with benign social interaction. But as soon as there are stakes involved - if I stand to benefit in some way by having a positive exchange (job interview, romantic intent, etc) - that's where I falter and shut down.
Same. I feel really inadequate in "flirting" scenarios, so I avoid them. I just don't know what to say in this situations. Always wished it was something, someone could've taught me how to do.
This hits close to home. As someone with a speech disorder, getting bullied and mocked for it has definitely became a bigger hurdle for me to randomly talk to people. I always thought high school was where it'll stop, but going into university and still getting mocked by a handful of people was tough. Of course not everyone are like that, and I do have people I still regard as friends since they understood what I'm going through. But as Dr. K said, that couple of negative experiences alone was enough to scar me that I went through 4 years of university only talking to my close friends. Though during my final year I decided to try to greet some of my coursemates when I met them in the hallway or waiting outside of class and then they started to open up to me as well. That final year was the most memorable for me and now I always try my best to just smile and say hi to people when we crossed path.
I've never felt so so insulted yet perfectly understood by a video title. All of the worst case scenarios concocted by the brain as a result of initiating a conversation cited by Dr. K are spot on. It's scary how despite the jarringly obvious irrationality of these fears, especially when said out loud like in this video, I can't seem to possibly surmount the invisible barrier and allow myself to wallow in the tentalizing green grass on the other side. The asking price simply breaks the mental bank for me.
I'm so guilty of trying to carry whole conversations on my own. I am really, REALLY socially anxious, but I also hate myself enough to throw myself into terrifying situations sometimes just to challenge myself, and hope that maybe with more experience I get desensitized to it, and with time I became pretty good at coming up with something, anything to talk about to escape the horror of awkward silence. But what happens is I end up just going through my mental flowchart and playing the conversation simulator. I really need to work on just remembering that there are at least two people involved in the interaction and if the interaction doesn't go well it's not necessarily purely my fault. It takes two to make a cringy conversation. We're in this nighmare together, lol.
Yes bro not as bad as I used to be and I’m proud going to keep challenging myself obviously, I always like a challenging so I did the same shit. Just throw yourself into a terrifying situation. Your not going to die. In time you will get really good.
These comments really helped a lot. I never thought I would find very similar thoughts/experiences to my own before coming across this video. I’m hoping to try out everyone’s advice! I’m a senior next year and I’m hoping it’ll really push me to become at least a little social than in past years
When I saw the title of this video it really spoke to the issues I’m facing socially. I often feel as though I have nothing valuable to say which keeps me silent. I realise that this is a problem with filtering myself but it’s super difficult to break the habit
Tbh, I've found that talking to people online helped me talk to people irl. But like, not some random strangers, but rather class discords or uni org discords. Especially because you'll usually meet up for study sessions or event meetups, so you end up putting a face to the username and then you have the opportunity to talk outside of discord and make real connections with the bridges you've built online
One of the tricks I've gotten comfortable with to build confidence is to just say silly or random shit in response to events, as opposed to just people. It becomes a lot easier to speak to people when you've built that comfort on a general scale amongst a group. Plus, it sets a certain tone for other people to pretty much show them what you're about and build familiarity on their end while also letting you gauge their reactions to know who's 'safe' to talk to. There's also the biggest factor that I don't really have to do anything after the initial moment, since I'm not addressing anyone directly.
Bro. How does Dr K keep dropping videos that are so relevant to what is going on in my life. Like spot on. Just had a situation where I should have talked to this women at a party that was friends with a couple of my friends..had multiple opportunities to say hi and I chickened out. Definitely frustrated with my self. Hopefully this video helps!
I have recently come to the realization that for my nearly my whole life, that I can remember, I have been hiding from the people around me. I had assumed for a long time that i enjoyed hiding because of idea that I knew i could get away with it but I can see now that what I was really looking forward to was being found out by others. I wanted other people to be the ones to reach out to me because I struggled with reaching out to them and so I felt like i was only ever so close with other people. I can remember all the times in middle school where i imagined if something happened to me how would the people I know react? Even if I never wanted to do anything about those feelings I can see why they came from this experience of being lonely even when around others. So where I'm at now is that if all this time I've been playing hide and seek then I need to let others know what game I am playing first because of course I'd "win" if I was the only one who knew what the rules are or that there was even a game being played in the first place.
I relate to this. A good therapist once asked me, who do you think you are that everyone else should chase you? Why should they do that when you don’t do it for them? It’s egocentric to expect people to always come to you. Other peoples worlds don’t revolve around you, they’re probably not thinking about you all that much, just like you don’t think about their world all that much (except as it relates to you). When she said this to me it shook me a little bit. Like why do I expect other people to always carry the burden of conversation? What am I bringing to the table? People don’t dislike me, I just don’t offer much in conversations and they have to chase after me, which is exhausting for them. Idk if this is helpful, sorry if it isn’t.
@@Meraxes6 Oh I agree. I think where I got tripped up at first was that the only answer I had for what i could bring to others was the only thing I knew, being the things I was passionate about. While I'm not saying that's wrong I was also missing a major concern at the time that I wanted to make them care about the thing as well but that can only happen if I try and understand what the other person likes as well and relate it with something they like. And of course I will still probably have times when I just want to talk about just what i want with out knowing how to make it relatable but now I can be okay in that situation because I am aware of that from the get go and can set my expectations correctly for what response I'll get.
The most unfair fight is the one with yourself as you know precisely what to say and do to get yourself down. You don't need to take your internal bully so seriously all of the time. Be well everyone and thanks for the video.
This is scary accurate, Dr, it does really feel like you're inside my head, you have successfully been able to predict every single thought that goes through my mind whenever I'm socialzing
Growing up, I was constantly told that I should not talk to someone unless I have their full attention. Now, sometimes as I speak and if I notice that the other person has lost interest in what I’m saying, even SLIGHTLY, I just stop talking because now I’ve interpreted as whatever I had to say is not worthy of their full attention and therefor not worthy of being said
That's one of the things I learned and what I tell people who are worried about big zoom meetings; "don't worry too much of others judging how you look on your camera; the rest of us are usually too worried about how we look on our own cameras"
I like the concept explained here. This is exactly what I had to go through and what completely changed me as a person in a better way. I am still who I am, but now I can pursue what I need if I need to. The idea is this. You don't have to speak if you don't need to or don't want to! It's completely normal. I also speak when I am spoken to most of the time. But there are reasons, situations, where you need to speak in order to get what you want! And in these situations you need to build up courage to do so, practicing, by putting yourself in such situations. They can be hypothetical, made up, but they need to exist for practice. For example, for me, I literally went out and started to talk with people in language clubs or international meetings in order to improve my language skills, that was my motivation. My second motivation was learning how not to be shy and practicing this skill. And my third motivation was creating a big international community of friends. And it worked. Just find a reason to speak, make it important to you. And if you have one - start practicing, doing it over and over again, and you will succeed.
19:58 The irony is that they did this exact behaviour in the way they wrote the Reddit post; that "This is more than a vent than anything" added on the end kind of makes it sound like they don't care if Dr K responds but in reality they articulated a problem they're having and on some level know that this is exactly what he's there to do. So they're already starting the process in a way, hopefully means it won't be too long before they're social engagement level reaches a point that is satisfying and fulfilling. Bless.
The biggest thing that's helped me let go from this and social resistance I feel with being myself in public is this idea; You are so focused on yourself that you only percieve what interacts with you, it's like you have a bubble of isolation around you. If that's true for you then it's likely true for others which means that everyone has a limited perception of those around them. Which in turn means that despite everyone having a clear understanding and judgment of others they have a limited perception of the room and an even more limited perception of strangers and people doing their own thing. I'm a watcher in social settings - i like to chill and observe which puts me in the non-interactive category most of the time. I'm content with this but if im not and want to engage with someone then I understand that they or others are not going to really be paying attention to me and what I'm doing because they're so focused on themselves so i can free myself of the resistance because there isnt any until they get to know me personally and at that point Im already comfortable enough to be myself around them.
Putting yourself put there seems so hard when youve been hit with the "Nobody asked" multiple times. Any time i put myself in a conversation trying to be part of the group i get that. Obviously not any time but enough times that im scared to join a conversation with people
Increase in benign social interaction: 1) think about what will the social interaction be. Ex: say "hey how are you today" to the people next to you 2) self image: what will people think. Will really bother me if someone next to me says "hey how are you today"? 3) think through the consequences of taking action. 4) anticipate internal challenges. What's my mind going to do? Ex: feel awkward, bothersome, etc. What can I say or do to feel less like that? Work with yourself, don't try to overcome yourself; if you feel something is too much, think about what is not too much for you. Once you do it, reward yourself for it 5) take action. Increase gradually the exposure and scope of exposure. Think about multiple kinds of interactions. Have mild social interactions 6) watch out for the nightmare scenario
At 22 years of age I started to get myself out of my homeboi d situation and get out my comfort zone. And little by little I feel almost free from every as I’m nearing 25.still have things to work on but I’m proud of my self
a good progression in order to talk to people would just be to say 'goodmorning' to someone, then over the course of a couple of days layer that goodmorning with a 'how are you?' or 'how's it going'. Because you've already spoken to them before, so it's a naturally progression
I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I’ve learned that occasionally drinking with friends in social settings relaxes my social anxiety, letting me talk to anyone I want generally. And recently, this has actually really helped my confidence during all other times, because I’ve already seen how fun and enjoyable I can be when I make an effort to be out there
That does sound difficult for certain people. You'd want close friends to begin with as well. Personally. The idea of lowering my ability to think is rather terrifying. I've been enough around people who are recovering from alcoholism and/or had terrible experiences with alcohol that even drinking with people I absolutely trust isn't something I like doing. That and drinking alcohol literally hurts me.
@@dAWwr906 yeah i absolutely agree, i wouldn’t get in that state if i didn’t have close friends i trusted around, and even then, there’s never good reason to do more than you know you should
Man I've been living with this since middle school, most friends I made were because they talked to me first. It's was kind of funny to hear someone mention all my specific thoughts of how much I'll inconvenience people because I feel like I'm the only one that thinks like this.
1. situation and action. 2. Self image/view - how would this make me look (don't go w initial idea) 3. consequences - what's likely going to happen which may be negative. 4. internal prep - fight or flight, shaky voice etc +You don't need to go above and beyond, a 'hello' can be good enough at first. Cannot carry engagements by myself.
I dont speak much and have no issues engaging in small talks but i usually dont bother. For people similar to me, they will usually respond with the basic reply and its hard for me to bother continuing the conversation. The small talks are usually just greetings and asking about how they are doing. Never much about their personal life. For those outgoing people, my mind will just go blank since i dont have alot of interesting thing to say after awhile. So things just end awkwardly somewhere in the middle of conversation unless the person is the one leading the conversation. This is why i dont bother making small talks. Another issue i face is that i dont initiative text conservation with my classmates. No one bother texting me first. So those friends i talked to in class are not really close and we dont do anything other than talk about work and small stuff during class but none of it online or after class. I never did end up texting them after many years.
The title of this video peaked my curiousity. By coincidence, I am an outlier case of the topic of this video. I spent my highschool and college years wondering when the romantic/sexual aspect of life would start for me. Was I just waiting for something to happen, yes. But I had the one issue for which there litterally does not exist an active step to take. I didn't lack a love life because lacked confidence to talk to women I was attracted to. Actually maybe I do have insufficient confidence to take such an action. I really don't know because I have never experienced romantic or sexual attraction toward any person of either gender. Based on what I had been told my whole, I believed that the sex drive and desire for human pair bonding awakens within everyone at some point. At 23 it finally occured to me that maybe those drive would never awaken within me. After a bit of introspection, I realized that I was waiting for those things because I was told they would. Did I actually care about these things, no. I am now 37. I still have never been attracted to anyone and have zero desire to have a girlfriend. Over the years there have been a few women with whom I have greatly enjoyed their company. But I have never had the slightest desire for anything more. Strangely, I never encountered the term "asexual" until I was 31. reproductive peogrammed evolutionary and survival drives behind procreation I assumed that I would inevitably begin feeling sexual desire and want a
I find that I am confident enough to speak to just about anyone, but I rarely have anything to say. My mind either drifts off or over-analyzes the situation in an attempt to find something to say, but it rarely comes naturally during organic conversation.
I love your videos, found them today, and a lot of the problems you bring up I suffer and had no explanation for. It feels nice having an explanation instead of thinking that I'm different.
I feel like I am in a weird situation. Im pretty introverted, but not socially awkward, but I don't engage in any sort of social interraction unless it comes to me. I never ask anyone how they are doing, I never ask anyone anything about themselves and when I do, it's forced to make me seem interested. I did not know I did this till recently. Home situation has changed my mom encourages me to to "be more polite" and talk more, be more social, if not just at home, show that I care about them and people. Thing is, I can't. I try to make her understand that none of what I do is concious. Im not refraining from saying hello, or asking about your day, I just did not think about it. She tells me I can learn, and if it just start doing it I will keep doing it. I will not act like I care just to make others feel good. I do try to be extra polite at work and she asks why I can't do the same at home or in social situations, and frankly, I can't say why.
@Jack Axe weird shit. Some research shows it could be "schizoid personality disorder". Look it up. Im not gonna say I am one of them because I have not had a professional evaluate me, but this "personality disorder" does not cause me any personal problems, just interractions between me and others, and I don't really care about that. But I do care about it with my family. Why? Because I can't afford to move out.
Ive struggled with this alot. I like how you compare the hump to activation energy. For some of us it takes alot more energy than others. But breaking down the components that go into the fear makes it alot easier to tackle. Im going to try some of these, thanks!
I consider myself an outspoken person (introspective but at the same time outspoken). I hate people that only "answer" you and don't actually talk to you, with those people I avoid to talk to, but by trial and error I eventually come to meet people that are more open to talk just like I am. And I prefer meeting both good and bad people then not meeting nobody by just waiting to talk to people that talk to me.
Dr. K is right about carrying conversations by yourself. Don't annoy yourself or others by forcing interaction onto another person. They may even have the same struggle you do. If you have a good interaction thats great, but move on if things stay icey. I heard something about leaving a conversation "gracefully." When you leave on a high note without over extending your welcome by exhausting every single topic of conversation, extending goodbyes, and graces; it makes the other person feel like they are respected for their time and will cherish the shorter yet more impactful interaction. Even if they are a less outgoing person: leaving on that high note will make it so that they will actually want to interact with you more or at least feel comfortable with future interactions with you. It's like leaving things to talk about for the next time you get together.
I used to have this issue but I got fed up of being lonely all the time and started talking with more people, and honestly I can say that nothing has changed, before I'd just not talk with people fearing I'd bother them, now I just talk with people and they either are assholes so I don't wanna talk with them anymore or they are really nice but they just never text me unless I talk to them first which makes me feel unappreciated, and also it's usually impossible to go out with these people since they are apparently always busy. I started thinking it was a me problem but all my friends say they love hanging out with me and I'm great, you could say I've been unlucky and I've only met assholes whenever I've tried to meet new people but this is been going on for years, granted I do feel like I was very pushy and tried to carry the conversation by myself a couple years ago, now I just try to talk with people and if they don't do their part I just let them chill I don't really mind, but it still feels really bad how much effort I have to put in to try and make friends, specifically when people are interested in being friends with me but they put no effort whatsoever, like they don't text me and they don't try to go out with me, they reply and they are really nice and we vibe when they do reply but it stays there, it's usually impossible for me to get closer to people and it's impossible to go out with them. And before anyone says it, I do give people space and time, I really don't think it's a me problem anymore. And no this is not a bad experience with a person or 2, this is been the exact same experience with around 10-15 different people
Perhaps we need to gain social capital - it sounds shallow but I've been thinking Abt trying to engage in more "popular" activities to get more conversation topics going
Ive been doing sooo well lately. My anxiety has been so crippling for about 10 or so years that id drive to the store and end up driving back in without getting out of the car at all. But ive improved so much in the last few months! It began hard to do normal adult things. I still think about saying things that I never say in a conversation, but im getting so much better. Having to talk doing my new work from home job has played a part in it
As someone who has a very hard time making it to a therapist, I often have to figure things out on my own. Most problems I face, it's not a problem of me not knowing how to fix it, it's a problem of not knowing where to start to be able to fix it. HealthyGamerGG's channel has already enriched my life so much with videos like this, because they always help me figure out a good starting point that I can work from. Doctor K is the GOAT.
One thing that actually helped me quite a bit is saying hi to the owner of every dog my dog interacts with and trying to engage into conversation about them, or the "here you go"s and "thanks to you too"s in stores, and stuff like that (;
People saying “don’t speak unless you’re spoken to” has always been so silly to me, because if both people go by those rules, how can friendships ever be formed?
This taps into something I realised myself. You are capable of imagining things that don't exist, right? Therefore you are capable of imagining horrors far worse than the reality. Fear is your imagination running wild and imprisoning you within an illusion.
As someone whose on the other side of this and started out as a super anxious person who couldn't speak without a stutter, this is basically how I did it. Just keep going forward even if you feels like your progress is going at negative 10 percent everytime you have an interaction. You'll be surprised how much you actually progress in a year. Thinking back will always give you confidence and motivation to keep going on.
I think this varies from people to people. Yeah, sure when I was at High school or College, I yearned for social interactions and conversations but that has changed. I actually like the silence. Let me do my work and just talk to me when you need something or I'll just talk if I need to get something I need to be done with. I absolutely hate small talk. Just greet me "Good morning" or "Good night" and I'll be satisfied with that. Don't engage me with pointless talk
I sit next to someone who has social anxiety and I have social anxiety. We are the only two people sitting in our department and let me tell you the silence in the room is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Without another person filling the void him and I will spend 8 hours a day next to each other with only "good morning" and "have a good night" be our only interactions. The funniest part, we have the same birthday.
LOL
Damn social anxiety sucks.
@@crome2021 it's the worst thing :(
This sounds amazing.
The guy I sit next to at work drives me nuts sometimes bragging about shit NOBODY asked him about.
Wish my coworkers had that aswell cause they just piss me off nonstop talking.
Thankfully only need to be in office 30% of the day.
"Don't carry the whole conversation" as someone who is socially anxious this really great advice. i always always always forget that i don't need to say more than a few simple words. This eases the pressure. IDK why i think that i need to talk a lot.
that bit was exactly what I needed to hear.
HOW TO REMEMBER THIS?
@@ginkgoteki exactly dude, I NEVER want to forget this piece of advice
True I always feel like I HAVE to talk to them not the other way around
Omg thank you so much
I don't speak that much but I'm really improving now. I feel like my opinion isn't needed, and it used to be that I'd only speak to raise a factual point and never my own opinion. Now I've made the conclusion that people are less comfortable around me because they don't know what I think, and thus while people rarely dislike me, they also feel like I don't see them as a friend or similar. Now I've began just blurting things out, and sometimes I say the wrong things and it makes me really want to just speak only in facts again, but looking back now I feel much closer to the people I call friends, and they are much more willing to invite me because they know now that I enjoy spending time with them and I do pay attention to what they say and what they do. I'm not completely there yet, but I think just taking the hit, saying things of no value to a conversation, actually do have value because when people know where my headspace is, they don't have to assume how I feel about them which is almost always positive, but other people usually assume it's negative or at the very least indifferent which is still not a mood that will make you want to invite that person.
Update: I didn't intend to edit this comment at all but it seems to be pretty active recently and the replies are all very positive. I wouldn't say I'm "normal" when it comes to social interaction, but I'm a whole lot better at it and a whole lot more confident. A side effect of speaking more is that a lot of people think I'm autistic, and honestly I agree with them. If I do indeed have autism then it makes a lot of sense why I struggled so much with speaking "normally" and thus tried to avoid it altogether. I'm getting invited more frequently to outings, and I even had a relationship for a while. I don't agree with the typical "just be yourself" advice because I wouldn't say I'm any more or less of "myself" but I'm certainly a version of myself that others can be more comfortable around and once they understand that side of me I can then be as reserved as I once was and they can accept that side of me too. Some people still see me as weird, possibly weirder than I would've been had I said nothing, but those people never would've been my close friends so it's a worthwhile tradeoff.
Hopefully if you're in a similar situation you can figure out your own solution. There's no easy way to explain what I'm doing differently so it might not be as easy as reading a UA-cam comment but no matter how long you've felt this way, if you never stop trying to improve your life then things will get better. If you give up they'll only stay as they are.
Oh man that's awesome that you made that shift in your mindset. That's how I'm trying to rewire my brain too
@@fireflieer2422 good luck man, I wish I could tell you the secret but I think it's just something that happens.
This is so true! I’m guilty of this too, when I don’t express my opinions people don’t know where they stand with me and it can make them uncomfortable. Took me so long to realize this. I also realized that I have an underlying belief that everyone else is smarter and more important than me, which is absolutely not true, but it explains why I’ve always been so reluctant to talk.
About just blurting things out, I relate so much to this! It’s normal to do this when you don’t have much practice expressing yourself, sort of like a pendulum that swings too far in the other direction at first. Keep it up and with more practice you’ll get better, I went through the same thing when I started re-programming these beliefs.
also worth mentioning, just because something you're saying isn't a factual statement doesn't mean it has no value. A human being with no opinions/jokes/random shower thoughts/etc is like a pack animal with no scent. it's not possible for his/her packmates to get sufficient information about him or her with a whole channel of communication missing.
we're moderns, but we're still made of meat, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. play along a little!
I think what people don't like is social interactions where someone wants something from them, and they don't want to give it to them, or don't know what it is that they want from them. I think the more we crave social interaction and feel uncomfortable by it, the more we crave some kind of social validation from the people we talk to, but don't even know what that looks like. So we hang around wanting more, and they feel uncomfortable because they don't know what we want or how to give it to us.
The secret in social interactions is to not want a particular response. It's to express yourself without expectation of some response, it's to offer something of value to other people. These two things are separate events. When you express yourself, that could get some kind of negative response, but you do that for you. When you offer value to other people, you do that for them. This value is something like just listening to them, acknowledging them, accepting them, things that make them feel safe and comfortable. Try to offer more than you express, but express what you need to.
Most conversations have no utilitarian value intrinsically. So when you think you say something that has no value in a conversation, pretty much everything doesn't have value in a conversation. Unless we're actively engaged in solving a problem or working on some kind of project, most conversation is just communicating where your headspace is. What makes people uncomfortable in conversation is when they get something from it. So even if you say random shit, but you acknowledge them and show that you accept what they're talking about and make them feel safe in expressing it, they are liable to feel comfortable in the conversation, and try to understand how that non-sequitur fits in and accept you and make you feel safe in expressing it. But if you interrupt them to say random shit and they feel like you don't care what they were talking about and show that you don't feel what they had to say was important and they feel awkward trying to keep talking about it with you around, then they will not enjoy it.
Finally, try being direct following similar rules. If you want to make sure people know you feel positive things about them, then tell them you think positive things about them. But when you do this, remember this is the expression side of the equation, not the offer side of the equation. You don't need to worry about how they will react, but this isn't the heavy lifting of the conversation. This is your personal release. This is what you get from it. Then give back by listening, validating, caring about what they have to say. Don't think that kind of expression can cover for that actual work even if you're saying positive things, otherwise they will just be empty words.
The worst is attempting to speak more and being met by nothing but awkward silence. I kinda feel like relapsing back into silence cause talking always brings up the possibility of conflict or rejection.
True. It hurts a lot :) That's the reason I've developed a pretty unhealthy mechanism to keep reminding myself of all the embrassing talks I've made. Every now and then I keep remind myself that people will forget about it anyways despite those thoughts keep surging back. While it still really hurts a lot, I still choose to go out and do it. I don't really know what my motivation is, sometimes I'd still be too scared to get outside, but someday when the overwheming pain of keeping stuffs to myself getting too big and I decided to try again.
Exactly
My mom used to pick my brother, my sister and me up after school. While driving she asked us how our day was, but when I wanted to speak up I always got shut down with "let your older brother talk, you can tell me about it later". When my brother finished talking I had already forgotten what the exiting news where or got lost in a daydream. My father was always late a work, I only saw him when he tucked us kids into bed. I always asked questions like "what came first, the hen or the egg" I remember laying in bed and thinking about what I was going to ask him tonight. One day he stopped saying good night. I was pretty good in class and volunteered to answer their questions, but after a while I started to notice teachers rather asked someone who didn't volunteered. So I stopped volunteering, and teachers still didn't call my name to let me speak. There were days I didn't say a single word in class. I felt ignored at home and wanted to fill that lack of attention by being the best at school to get the attention of my teachers.
Sorry about my rambling, I wanted to write those memorys down. If you are reading this, have a nice day!
Sorry to hear it, hope it’s better now x
I relate to this a lot actually super unfortunate but I understand because I did a sort of similar thing the only difference is I wanted to learn about everything not just be the best in my class
I relate to that pretty well, and to answer your question: The egg came first, from a bird that was not a chicken.
im so sorry to read this, i really hope you will find or have already found the friends who are actually interested in what you have to say! it can be difficult to find these people but your tactic asking your father something every night was a great idea and can help a LOT in finding true friends (of which is a good indicator whether if they ask back)
Damn...
That's a really sad story :(
I wish your parents knew just how much their little actions affected their kids.
I started my exposure therapy by saying hi to whomever I encountered in the hallway of my apartment building. It was terrifying at first because I was one of those people who'd wait until the hallway was empty before I emerged from my apartment. Now it's almost effortless, and I can socialize in a variety of other ways too :)
I'm glad there are other people who would make sure the hallway was empty before getting out, I feel more human! I'm happy for you!!
how long did it take you? sometimes I think its too late and it would take too long so I don't want to try
lies
Hi!
I own a house, and I kind of do that with some of the other occupants. It’s more that I don’t like feeling like outsiders are in my home rather than anxiety about being around them.
It's not that I'm scared people will think I'm stupid or anything but I don't speak up about anything because I just have no life experiences or anything to talk about, it's quite literally impossible for small talk to happen
Music shows films? Even the weather
@@Dimitris_Half I guess my problem is I don't interact with anyone that's interested in stuff like heavy metal or weightlifting, but my life is just so god damn basic lmao. I lift, play video games, work, and sleep. That's it, and im okay with it, but it makes it impossible to relate to anyone.
@@Dimitris_Half Thing about my work life is I do monotonous (and remote) data entry, there's not a whole lot to talk about lol, I clock in, enter numbers into programs and spreadsheets then clock out. I also can't remember the last time I talked to someone my own age IRL, so that doesn't help.
I have this issue too, I feel like I can talk to people just fine, but people just don't care about anything I have to say
@@zacharyleahy9707 Would a gym not be the best place to make friends then? At least you'd be surrounded by those that have similar interests in terms of lifting. As for gaining hobbies, you should probably search for simple things one can partake in around your city. Something, anything to add to your list of hobbies to use as a conversation starter, though preferably something within your sphere of interests.
"We know if we don't talk to anyone, like sure we're gonna be kinda miserable, but at least we'll be safe." (5:42) That was just worded so perfectly, it's exactly what goes on in my mind.
Since I was quite literally conditioned to “only speak when spoken to” by every adult figure in my childhood, I’m not really surprised by how I act.
@juliab3326Yeah, it’s good to listen and all, but I’m just an observer and nothing more in most interactions. I’m all too familiar with that dinner table situation you’re talking about.
I just find myself not talking to someone because I don't see a reason for it. It doesn't honestly matter to me how their day is going or what little things they've done today, just as they don't sincerely care about those things in reference to me. I don't see anything being gained by talking to someone just to talk.
Me too man
I think the fact that we are not allowed to speak up to our elders as it is a act of rudeness, specifically to our parents played a part here. Happens to some families like mine lol.
That was exactly what I was about to comment 😓
I love how Dr.K goes all caveman like and starts scribbeling on the wall showing fellow tribe members a simplification of what he is trying to communicate.
Communication is an art and thats why the precision and accuracy of language is important in the age of information
EXCUSE ANNYONNY, THAT CAVEPERSON TO TZHERKIN, BIGOT. ANNYO;NNY IDENTIFY AS CAVEPERSON. CAVEPEOPLE NO SCRIBBLE ON WALL, THAT HARMFUL STEOREOTYPE. ANNYONNY REPORT TZHERKIN TO FBI NOW FOR SPREAD OFY MISINFORMATION.
Ah yes, Cavemen, well known for their use of charts and graphs to improve on clarity.
yes it's amazing how far your reach can be with the internet!
😆
Just throwing this out there because I know I’m not the only one, growing up on 4chan and Reddit gave me a lifelong fear of being cringe that turned my natural quiet nature into intense social anxiety. I was terrified of being judged or especially being annoying. It took me years to realize, then more years to work through.
I didn't grow up with the internet quite as much, but I definitely have a fear of being cringe/annoying. Its the main thing that stops me from engaging,
yeah social media (and esp toxic spaces like 4chan) really fcks with our heads. I blocked Reddit and twitter on my devices so I can only access them occasionally when Im using someone else's device, and my anxiety has improved DRAMATICALLY. It was hard at first bc I was experiencing minor withdrawal symptoms like heightened anxiety and stuff like that for the first 2 weeks, but after those subsided it helped my mental health so much. Im actually thinking of a way to do that with youtube comment section too (reading comments can also affect my mental health) but I haven't figured out a way to do that yet
4chan feels a million times safer to me than Reddit and stuff. After awhile you realize everyone there is cringe.
@@MrShadowThief and when everyone is cringe, no one will be
How did you work through it? I'm 24 and i spent about 2-3 years of my life on 4chan before quitting it. I have the same feelings of cringe.
I notice it is usually much easier to initiate interaction with people, when you keep it sort of... out of focus. Not the main goal or task, but as something on the side while you're busy building something or working on something. Especially if it's a group activity. I guess after all, there really is something to those 'silly' team building exercises, or building clay volcanos or some papier maché hats in a group as ice breakers.🤔
That’s brilliant. Chad level ice breaker would be to improvise and fabricate that other focus to make the conversation feel out of focus. Mind blown.
Yeah it's one of the ways to reduce perceived price of the action because it's not only the action that requires energy, but your reaction to it which includes expectation of a an inevitable horrible outcome and emotions regarding that impending event.
I went to therapy and one of the things that helped was making everything an experiment: I'm not doing an action that will lead to world ending humiliation, I'm conducting an experiment to see how others will react, interact with me and what I can do and learn. Reduces anxiety significantly
@@nathanliteroy9835 u fucking genius, I'm gonna do this
This is a great way to connect more deeply with people who are uncomfortable with direct connection. Doing a project together or taking a walk while you talk works really well
@@reinaldomartinez13 It's from Gestalt Therapy, they separate session into talking with a therapists and sometimes into experiments - some interaction, or focusing on yourself, or doing something with your body, etc., so I decided to spread that thinking into real life too.
Hope it will help
One issue I used to deal with a lot back when I had bad anxiety was the notion of consistency in personality. Especially when meeting new people one day I would build-up the courage to introduce myself and we will talk but the next day I would feel more and more anxious and would feel like I would I have to keep that up
same, feels exhausting sometimes.
i feel that, the expectation to keep the relationship going well even tho u just met them. that courage doesn’t last long and fades away. u would hav to build up the courage again. i always felt so much pressure when meeting a new friend or acquaintance for the first time.and having to keep up that courage and break through the anxiety
Yea definitely that’s how I was too & I didn’t actually know my true self because I would play a character everytime I was around people & I would physically & mentally feel completely different than I did just by myself.
Omgosh this is so relatable
Yesss!!! This is like my biggest problem with everybody. I get so stressed about not being on the same energy or confidence level the next time I talk to them. I don't struggle in conversations with strangers as much as with people I kind of know. Not sure how do deal with it :/
At the beginning of my previous semester, a professor had us get into little groups in a Discord channel in the first session of his class. Everyone basically joined a random channel, and i just disabled my anxiety-ridden brain for a second and joined a channel where a guy had an anime profile pic (might as well take that as an indicator to try). From our inital conversations i quickly realized that he shared basically the exact same interests as me, down to quite a niche level. Since the class was entirely online, i never actually met him (still haven't), and only got to interact with him briefly once a week. When the final test of the class closed in, i mustered up the courage to suggest that we could prepare for it together (since the professor also explicitly said that the test could be completed in a group). In the following weeks, we prepared for the test and he suggested we should hang out together online in the future. In the past ~2 months, i started regularly hanging out with him and his group of pals on their Discord server and we hang out together and play games until the early hours basically every day now (it's between semesters rn). Our interests are basically identical, i can earnestly talk about things with him that i thought i would never be able to with anyone ever, for hours on end. It's almost like meeting a lost twin, brother or soulmate. Maybe this is hyperbole, but i honestly never had as much hope as i have now. This is the first time in my life that i opened up, triumphed over my instinct to curl into a ball - and i have had the world opened up to me.
I always considered myself exceedingly unlucky, miserable, inept, useless and hopeless. But this one time in my life, i was unbelievably lucky. I have to honestly thank that professor one day; from the get go he had as form groups and gave us the unexpected option to also write the test in that group. I had the luck to join the right Discord channel, with the right people in it, only guided by a literal anime profile pic. I can't even imagine where i would be at now if i had not attended the online class introduction that day, not joined that specific channel, and not reignited contact later that semester. It's like i finally bumped into a friend that lived his whole life beside me, unnoticed. I honestly expected to just waste away and eventually wither, but now i finally have something i can look forward to. In a few days i will return to the city i study at (my first 3 semesters were basically purely digital) and we already plan to hang out in our free time. There's so many things i want to do, to catch up on years and years of youth that didn't happen and of which i thought they never would.
I'm rambling on, but one last thing:
Please, please have hope. When i first watched videos on this channel, i was in a miserable limbo between a wasted youth and a future without prospects, but now - by grabbing the one chance i got and running with it - i belive i might have my "college debut" yet, and kickstart a proper life.
Defeat resignation and hesistation in that one critical moment - and triumph.
Alles wird gut.
Kickass story dude, happy for ya!
Professors using Discord? That sounds weird. Some professors can't even open up a zip file that's e-mailed to them because Gmail doesn't support viewing them in the browser.
@@cryora my professors are using discord as well. Pandemic made them learn how to use it :)
Danke schöne
Wow
On top of never speaking lol, I have trouble ever actually seeing anyone as a friend. I made like 4 “friends” last semester in a lab class and we still talk often. Found out one of them lives in my building and we talk every day. Even signed up for similar classes for the fall. But I just have this overhead feeling that eventually it’ll all come to an end. I’ve never had any “bad” friendship experiences but I assume this every single time. So much so that I may even start acting in ways or saying things to expedite the end of it. And it gives me a sort of safety self satisfaction? Like “yeah, I knew it. I was right”. And then the loneliness continues. But as you said, im miserable, but im safe. So it doens’t matter.
And after watching this I gather that it’s probably because I haven’t had many friendship experiences in general so the longer things go on, the less certain I am of an outcome so my brain is naturally looking for “the end”. Even though friendship is usually an allegedly infinite thing.
Self-sabotage: we all do it. At least you’re aware of it!
Things are going fine, but you're the one seeking to end it. Aren't that just the typical low self-esteem situation.
No worries, your friend should accept you. As long as you guys are clear with each other, help and don't hold grudge against each other, you'll be fine. Maybe it's time for you to be the new leaf growing over.
Lol seeing friendship as something meant to be infinite is setting yourself up for failure my friend ;)
We walk many different paths in life. Sometimes the paths we walk align. Sometimes they diverge. And that's okay too.
Sometimes you will swap path and your friends will be at the same point in their life too. Not always. Sometimes you might find yourself back on the same path once more after many years.
They say most friendships last 8 or less years. This is about the length of each major period in our lives, before big changes happen.
If a friendship lasts longer than 8-10 years, only then would i say there is a chance It will last forever
The best friendships are the ones where you don't speak for ages but when you do its like you never missed a beat. Back to how it always was (:
Peace
P.s this info comes from years of turmoil and dwelling on lost friendships
All friendships end because people have no reason to keep em.
I was semi popular for a while hanged out with a bunch of people but only really had like 20-30 *friends* all said friends Pretty much disappeared once i stopped basing my life around them or didnt wanna follow their toxic lifestyle.
Your only friend is yourself,its not black,red,blue w/e the fack pill or what not bs term people use its a reality,only keep people around you that help you achieve your goals or teach you something and always be ready to let go.
Sounds more like an acquaintance rather than a friend. It goes both ways, your relationship can deepen based on how much time both parties invest in each other
This guy is amazing. I know it's his job to do this, but he truly cares. Thank you for the inspiration and helping me believe in myself, Dr. K!
Damn this hits home. I recently went to a book release convention for my favorite author. I'm surrounded by people with similar interest and could probably have had some amazing discussions and met cool people...except I didn't speak to anyone unless they commented on what I was wearing. The event was a great experience, but as usual I left it just feeling lonely. I really do have a problem where, if I know I should be the one to engage with someone, I just feel like I'm bothering them. It's a vicious cycle.
Ik exactly what you mean man
you understand, imo
Well before i became ~15 years old i tried to be sociable and talk with people, but nobody was interested in what im saying and always interrupted my talk. Always.
So at first i stopped talking - because nobody was respect my talk - and i thought my taciturnity will make situations when im speak more
valuable. Well, i was really wrong
So at end i just quit talking with people that dont respect me - and basically became a man without any company. At all, i was talking almost with nobody. And i tried, but couldn't became part of any other group of people
Now i dont know how to speak in groups of people, how to find these groups, how to behave around people
And im lonely.
Relatable
Start small just start just do it it's practice everyone not for you but there are people out there who will connect with you if you never try you won't find them just do it 12345 go
@@kdthdestroyer thanks for support man!
Im trying to self-educate myself for indie gamedev, and then i guess i would find people to talk to (because this is field of people with similair interests and etc. Job unites i think)
I mean it's completely fair. As a properly adapted introvert, you really need to find your people. Talking to people just for it's own sake is... okay but it's nothing compared to actual friendships with people who like you or even get you.
This sounds so familiar that I'm actually baffled.
I guess the lesson is that you don't "break out" of your comfort zone, you expand it
i really like how u put this
Sure but in order to expand it you need to get out of its boundaries first
@@Randaches you gotta walk outside your fence to put up a new fencepost
You don’t jump up a whole staircase you just take 1 or 2 steps at a time & work your way gradually & gracefully
Don’t worry about the end goal,
just focus on the next step & don’t let fear of failure stop you from moving 1 or 2 steps forward
@@jruns9730 then you're probably trespassing on private property
“It’s not a comfort zone it’s a safety zone”
I guess that makes sense or I’d feel comfortable not saying anything… I feel safe but I don’t feel comfortable!
I feel this a lot. For most of my life I was always criticized/made fun of for what I said. Ive tried to be more sociable but I usually end up getting patronized or ignored. Always left out in family gatherings always left out in social events, I always assume people dont want to hear me talk, so now I just dont say anything unless someone asks me something. I cant even participate in family discussions during dinner, because they always assumed I didnt want to talk. Thats not the truth, I WANT to talk but Ik I wont be taken as seriously for it. I WANT to be included, I WANT do normal human things, I dunno if its anxiety or depression or something but I sort of expect to not attain these things.
I'd like to recommend a book for you that I feel expresses The need to feel and be human really well. It's "Frankenstein or the modern day Prometheus" written by Mary(I forgot her last name ._.). The origin of the Frankenstein story.
Edit: The author's name is Mary Shelly
Here's some quotes from the book I really like.
“Of my creation and creator I was absolutely ignorant, but I knew that I possessed no money, no friends, no kind of property. I was, besides, endued with a figure hideously deformed and loathsome; I was not even of the same nature as man. I was more agile than they and could subsist upon coarser diet; I bore the extremes of heat and cold with less injury to my frame; my stature far exceeded theirs. When I looked around I saw and heard of none like me. Was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth, from which all men fled and whom all men disowned?”
“I admired virtue and good feelings and loved the gentle manners and amiable qualities of my cottagers, but I was shut out from intercourse with them, except through means which I obtained by stealth, when I was unseen and unknown, and which rather increased than satisfied the desire I had of becoming one among my fellows. The gentle words of Agatha and the animated smiles of the charming Arabian were not for me. The mild exhortations of the old man and the lively conversation of the loved Felix were not for me. Miserable, unhappy wretch!”
Remember that I am thy creature; I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed. Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous."
People won’t involve you In Things if you don’t try (yourself) you’d be surprised how nice some people truly are also ignoring the bozos helps
@@TheGrowlingAraknidWow, that is heart-wrenchingly emotional… 💔🗡️
I am shocked I never knew the real story about Frankenstein… I saw your post, then became curious and spent the next 1.5 hours reading about the story of Frankenstein and its author Mary Shelley… Gosh 💔😢
@@TheGrowlingAraknidthis made me cry. i see too much of myself in it. thank you for sharing
This is exactly what I started to do in my teens to learn how to be more "normal" and "interesting" to talk to. I definitely started off with some sort of planned scripts that I overthought every night but then slowly things started coming more naturally as I learnt how people usually react to certain things I say, and I used those experiences to find even more "options in the script". Then at some point I started to genuinely like having random, short conversations with strangers just for the sake of connecting with another person for a moment. It really helps you feel like you're part of society. Also, the thing that helped me most was to realise that I could just start conversations to amuse myself. Not to connect to a specific person, not to befriend someone, but just to pass the time. Loooots of people like that, especially older folk and people bored at work. And if someone doesn't respond, they clearly don't like to pass time in the same way as me, and that's ok. Sometimes somebody else nearby starts talking with me instead. I still just say random shit that comes to mind to amuse myself and maybe make someone else laugh, which makes me feel good too. So, it really does get better and easier with each small interaction. Excellent video, thanks man!
Can you share some of those scripts m8?
You don't speak unless you're spoken to because when you do speak you just get disrespected and put down.
I like how the chat is gone. Brings more peace to the screen and less distraction.
Average Twitch experience
"You Don’t Speak Unless You Are Spoken To" I do that naturally since I don't ever have anything to say to people. I mean, I think a lot I have stuff on my mind I just think they don't care or they don't want to listen. That's why I talk alot more with friends or family since they're someone who actually cares about me so I can just casually speak with them unlike strangers.
So I'm sitting through this video going "pretty easy, I do this a lot" (just saying hi or saying thank you to a cashier seems like common courtesy) then he says "tell the waiter when you don't like your meal" and I swear that phrase alone sparked some sort of fight-or-flight in me because my heart rate IMMEDIATELY shot up
BRO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THIS VIDEO IS HELPING ME I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITHTHIS ISSUE ALL MY LIFE! Im Turing 19 next year and with the pandemic stuff and my introvert ass has not been socially active for 2 years which makes me even more socially awkward thanks to this I'mma start to apply the knowledge I got in this video to improve myself thank you
So how did you do?
I used to never know what to say in social settings, I realized I never really paid that much attention to people, what they were saying, and what I received about them. As soon as I stopped giving my thoughts so much attention, my curiosity about people and my ability to bounce off of them skyrocketed. It’s like meditation but instead of observing your own thoughts and feelings you’re observing others
real
I don’t struggle with initiating conversation with people, I just don’t know how to structure my sentences sometimes. I really struggle with articulation like… explaining myself lol
Fr, im so stuck in my mind sometimes in classes idk how to react to someone when they try to talk to me
Same here buddy. My train of thought often derails in the middle of a sentence, and then falls down a cliff.
@@paquitopito9289 same. I think my ADD has a lot to do with that. My mind is 10x more sluggish than my body in deciding idk it’s so fucking weird and annoying
The hypothetical scenario where the waiter and the person at the bus stop and the person in the class all meet at the party and talk about you was not only hilarious, but an amazing illustration of the ridiculousness of your minds fear mongering. I needed to hear that. ❤
Totally agree with the mind holding on to bad experiences. 5 years ago I was in New York city and I got a stomach flu. I ate a banana before I started throwing up and I still gag almost everytime I eat a banana. I feel like school does the same thing to people in social situations. You get laughed at or bullied you eventually start to think people are just gonna be dicks in the real world.
I got sick once off a Delightful Screw cocktail. I can still drink vodka but can’t stomach Sunny D anymore.
Yea only people who are self aware, a majority of people don’t overcomplicate simple things the way people with anxiety/ social anxiety do maybe something similar but no where near the intensity
I ate an omelet once, which I had never had a problem with previously, but this time I threw it all up, I didn’t eat an omelet for quite a few years after that but I eventually got over it.
The being bullied part was me
@@The280zkid you dont deserve that at all man, i hope you'll find people who appreciate you for who you are, keep being awesome :D
the best advice i ever got that i still hear in my self consciousness is- “not every first interaction has to be perfect”
the context she later explained was that i shouldnt waste time in being what we what to think we are, everything is always changing anyways. you* cant waste the time we have right now on what we all waste time on later on.
now it’s when you can do something
so do something and start small
I received great advice from somebody about this kind of thing. He was an ex-con who flipped his life around at we worked together at Home Depot. I went to him for advice on this and all he did was rephrase the “just be yourself, put yourself out there” and he said to me, “talk to people like you know them.” I have never received better advice in my life
if I’ve been silent for too long, I feel like it’s too late to talk and I just accept the ‘quiet’ label. It’s a vicious cycle
But then again… life is too short to worry about things like this, we’re all human in the end I don’t know why I’m so scared
Love Is A Powerful Thing my Man, Open up and Explain when you've gathered your self together, it sounds horrid but what else is gonna happen if don't say Something time After time we know what we're doing just Take your Time.. You'll have it in the End Champ.❤
It's never too late to talk, you still have a voice.
Kindness goes a long way and you just might be the kindness someone might need to see in their life :)
i needed this, thank you. i am going out with a girl i really really like and was kinda nervous but, the more i interact with people, i realize the best option for conversation is always just being yourself and asking and talking about the things that i actually like to engage with, instead of just trying to find the “right way “ to approach someone. also, i realized that if people want you in there life, you will know.
so just let it all flow
stop trying to be ten steps ahead on a conversation and just stay in the now. be more reactive and listen to what they want to communicate , instead of just trying to map out a conversation.
love your videos doc
Just reading the title here lol. It's actually pretty common for neurodivergent people to not do something unless they're told to or being asked directly to do so, especially since our executive function doesn't let us know what we're supposed to do. However, with people I know personally is much easier to know their pattern/preference so I can just ask them this, this and that because they're interested in this but with people I barely know my mind just goes into "where dafuq do i even start", it turns into small talks and then it annoys me haha
I also find that i'm significantly more likely to engage in conversation or relationships with other neurodivergent ppl (adhd), compared to neurotypicals because i have to expend SIGNIFICANTLY less energy to be understood at a basic level haha
@@IPH-1212 dunno about proper/similar terminology but same thing - I also feel much more ease speaking with "similar" people. It's like you are beforehand on the same wave/level and don't need to explain tons of conditionality to each other to understand each other.
I felt such way(being truly understood) writing short vague sentence of self-expression that no "random" person would understand a cause and than to my surprise streamer girl read that(silently) and answered in a way with full compassion, like that situation was common for her as well... I was like "oh, wow... I didn't expect that in a slightest", and I highly value such random interactions of mutual understanding.
Unsure if I'm neurodivergent, but this is another thing to the bucket of things I can relate to. That's why I have such a hard time making friends when there's no explicit purpose for our interaction (say, a classroom setting where we have to talk about the material); otherwise, I too don't speak usually unless I'm spoken to
literally couldn't have said it any better!!
I’m 21 and act just like what you described but I’m not sure if I’m neurodivergent. And I don’t really know how to go about finding that out
I usually don’t speak up first because I genuinely dislike conversation, I find it very boring most of the time. I spend 95% of my day concentrating intensely on something, usually talking to people is the least of my concerns. It should also be noted that I don’t often feel lonely, so I don’t suffer from the desire to socialize with others more than an hour a day.
Damn I wish dr K existed when I was younger. A lot of the stuff he says I had to figure out on my own (and I still can't express it as eloquently as he can ofc). But as a millenial nearing his 30s, I can vouch that you should listen to what this man has to say
Same. I was in my mid-20s before a therapist told me all this and it blew my mind. I grew up just thinking something was wrong with me and I was a failure for not knowing how to “be social”. I just had to work out some childhood crap and get some practice, and things are so much easier now. But I went through so much needless suffering, stuff like this should be taught in school imo
Thank you anal fabrics
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Anal Fabrics :)
I approach social interaction as playing tennis, if someone plays decent tennis I engage more often with them. If they on the other hand are shitty at tennis and don’t know how to play accordingly I engage with them less often since it creates a lot of frustration and stress
medelander
@@BennieVredestein strijder
I approach social interactions like youtube videos, I just watch videos I find entertaining or interesting... but in conversations you are also the youtuber and the viewer at the same time as in its both of us reciprocrating... I just came from watching his video about ADHD I don't belong here but would you return my tennis serve??? xD (I just wrote what my unfiltered ADHD mind is constantly thinking through with or without social interactions... I started writing this to say sth helpful by showing my 'chronic' ADHD mind unfiltered but now I think I am actually being ignorant... I guess I thought sharing a different type of brain's thought perspective might be useful but naaahhh
@Kim169 relax friend your fine. Your comment was interesting don't second guess yourself
maybe get another hobby? there's a lot more to life than tennis and you can have friends who have different hobbies than you! by restricting yourself to only those who play tennis, your missing out on a lot of potential opportunities for yourself
wish i had seen this ten years ago. gets so much harder to meet new people when you're an adult
It really isnt. You can greet and meet people everyday, the hard part is maintaining or building on it
how old are you
@@SemekiIzuio that’s the issue is school has you in this routine where you’re constantly seeing the same people everyday. Not many situations like that as an adult besides maybe joining a club or a job . It’s easier to build relationships with people you see on a daily basis
My log:
*Monday*
Me: “Hey how are you?”
Them: “Good, and you?”
*Tuesday*
Anxiety, skipped
*Wednesday*
Me: “How’re the sandwiches?”
Them: “this…this is a lecture hall…”
*Thursday*
Me: Voice cracks “I THINK ILL HAVE SALAD”
Them: “Are you..do you need help?”
*Friday*
Me: “Hey Vanessa I was wondering what your name was we’ve been talking all week”
Them: “How do you know my name?”
*Friday Night*
Me: “My fish was undercooked but it’s ok”
The Cops: “what?”
I’ll post more when I’m out guys, so far so good
this does makes me giggle
W rizz
bruh how is this not most liked. I can't with friday
this is funny..but doesnt really make much sense lol
better than me for sho
I just wanted to leave an idea for the restaurant issue:
I went to a Vietnamese restaurant once, not having a clue about the dishes. Luckily, I knew what I wanted (duck + rice), but not what to order. So I asked the waiter which one of the dishes was hot and salty. He showed me, I thanked him and ordered.
Maybe somebody can make use of this.
Most of the time it's okay for me to start a conversation or say hi and chat a bit, but what I'm unable to do is form a friendship out of that. I'm okay with making small talk, but I struggle to hold or continue conversations. I don't know what to talk about, especially when I find this person super cool and I'm really intimidated by them. I then become awkward and behave in a way I would never do otherwise. I'm completely masking my personality.
I also often feel like we're not compatible. Sometimes, I don't even think we'd have a great time together. I just want to be part of the social circle. I want to engage with them cause I see people having fun together at work and getting along well. I have no idea if it's self-sabotage or if I actually don't 'work out' with many people. My therapist said I might be hypersensitive, at the clinic they said I have an avoidant-insecure personality disorder. It's so confusing.
I feel you man. You are not alone in this
I do feel like being on the internet does nothing but bad things for people with anxiety, because on say something like twitter, the situation he described of someone publicly shaming you for being socially awkward actually does happen, because anonymity seemingly breeds a willingness to be rude to/about other people because there's no consequence.
There's no reason to talk/speak purely for the sake of it. If there's nothing worth saying, then there isn't a reason to say something. If there is something worth saying, then say something. Silence is just as valuable as conversation. The only problem comes from a person not being able to initiate conversation or respond when they want to speak. That is to say, wanting to do something but being unable to do it is completely different than not wanting to do something but able to if that want changes. I think a lot of people honestly need to spend more time thinking and listening than talking; those are valuable communication skills.
I don't speak at all unless someone talks to me first. I sit alone in class and I can feel everyone stare at me whenever I walk in. I know they dislike me and it's too late for me to change cause it's already been a year since I joined this school. It would be weird if I suddenly spoke to everyone.
i understand you (
@@Dimitris_Half well they can dislike him cuz of biased first impression about him
This is was my case
Yup they don't dislike you, they just got trained within the year to ignore you how you appear to ignore them. Even when they know you're not unfriendly its hard to be friendly to someone when the proactivity is imbalanced.
>It would be weird if I suddenly spoke to everyone.
Was in a similar situation where I was about to change my personality drastically overnight and worried about the same thing. There will be the 'switch' moment that catches people off-guard, "why is this quiet dude now saying hi and asking questions to everyone" they might think this is weird/you're weird but not make any comment about it. But if you go in full throttle and never look back then people will go with the flow and adapt. It only remains weird if you're sitting on the fence halfway between your "old" outward appearance and your "new" one, then you look really unconfident. You want people to stay "behind" on you so to speak. Don't wait for them to catch up, catch them off-guard every single time. Go full throttle so they are stuck adapting and don't have any time to think. Not everyone can do this, you may just have to force yourself through the awkward 'halfway' phase. At the end of the day, everyone just goes with the flow of life. Someone that changes overnight like that is weird but also interesting, and if you appear confident on top of that you've already drawing interest onto yourself
Then don’t “suddenly speak to everyone”. Dr K explained how to take the baby steps. Just as you sit down, say “hey” to the person next to you. That’s it. Next day say “hey” to the other person next to you. If someone stares, nod in acknowledgement like I see you too. Then maybe throw in a “mornin’” or “hows it going”. You can do this!!
I was cackling through this whole video because it’s so true 😂 my social anxiety makes me think the worst and then I feel the need to plan everything out. It’s a lot easier once you take that first step
I have the same problem, but I find that my protective thoughts are right close to 100% of the time. I end up being ridiculed and alienated by the people I try to interact with. So the idea that I am a bother to people is valid. I appreciate these videos and I want to change myself, thank you for the content.
This is literally what I went through a few months ago after being isolated homeschooled for 2 years of my highschool life. My 3rd year I decided to give school a try and I had the exact same problem. It’s my junior year, I’m the new kid and everyone there has been friends since kindergarten. I had the exact same experience as the guy on Reddit. I lasted 3 months until I couldn’t take it anymore and went back to homeschooling. I’ve been isolated at home being homeschooled on a website ever since and it’s already the end of my junior year. I’m really unhealthy and have a bad sleep schedule bc of my easy introverted life. So my junior year went by so fast I didn’t even notice it was May. My parents might force me to go to a real school for my last year of highschool so this is a huge help.
Having this video randomly on my recommended is so convenient for me I was shocked by how similar my situation is with this Reddit person and got the help I didn’t know I needed from this content creator that btw I’ve never watched before. I’ve only seen him talk to XQC that one time. But thank you HealthyGamerGG and thank you UA-cam algorithm.
I wasn’t gonna comment on this video but HealthyGamerGG’s advice has impacted me so much that I just felt like sharing my story out there. I have hope it won’t be the same like last time and try these steps to prevent how anxious and depressed I felt before. Wish me luck on my senior year!!
If you don’t mind sharing how it been going for you sense?
I've been homeschooled my whole life so i can relate
@@bananaspilt1988 I got into a virtual school with classmates and tried going outside more doing side jobs. Going out and exercising helped but I've stopped going out as much and quit exercising so now I feel like I'm just on autopilot. I got accepted in my closest University for computer engineering but I'm not that excited, it's just more school after all. I just feel it's a necessity for life and wanted to make my parents proud. Overall I feel lost and stressed for the future.
@@EZweb2004 That song goes hard on ur profile btw
@@gabbs3v thank you so much!
Since my parent were 36 when I was born, I was always surrounded by "old people" growing up and there is no way in hell I would start conversations, but that made a great listener and thought me when to chime in or change subjects. People have told me many times that is great having me around because I dont need to talk 24/7 😅 and I found myself being friends with all kinds of people because I'm not the center of attention, but im the glue.
Tbh I often just don't know what to talk about with these people.
exactly
i love that this channel exists. Even with some of the situations I don't necessarily struggle with, as an example this video ( I do struggle a tiny bit to make friends and to initiate conversation but i've started uni and have a couple of people I sit with ), it shows how are minds are all different. Your videos have helped me alot. Thank you Dr. K 😁😇
I’m a very introverted person. Ever since quarantine, making conversation and hoping it goes fine would be a train wreck of an idea since I’ve developed a sort of social anxiety and awkardness. I’ve socially isolated from even my closest of friends. A year in quarantine I haven’t really connected with society since school has been online and all that. When physical school came, I struggled with talking, I was scared of my image, and the results of things I would say. I realized I needed to take a 180 of where I was going, to stop being the quiet shy kid and express myself how I want to be seen. Being social is a necessary life skill anyways. I made effort to talk and I got a little more used to saying stuff from my mind without giving much of a second thought. Made a couple friends, made school a less boring experience and just grateful I could do these things. I have much to learn and I’m far from my goals but I need to stay optimistic. You don’t know if you never try, don’t be scared of being out there because most of the time the only person judging you is yourself!
I have the exact opposite problem. I'm usually pretty chatty once I warm up to social situations, but then I always feel like a moron because I talked way too much.
You make the quiet people like me more comfortable. I like existing with my friends but I don’t like talking much. Having talky people around to fill the silence is nice
@@hotwasabi69 Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I've rambled on about random stuff and been like "oh I'm probably being annoying huh I should give X or Y a chance to talk" but then they don't say much and I'm like oh are they just tired of me now but like we still hang out and stuff so idk 😐. I think X or Y might be similar to you.
@@hotwasabi69 I agree with this too. Im quiet and even with my best friend I don't talk much. She talks a lot and I love it, I feel so much more comfortable listening and just jetting in with responses every now and then, while not having to worry about coming up with loads to say
I always open up too much and end up being emotional, then I feel awkward afterwards and I try to distance myself from the person
I also prefer chatty people to be around me to do the talking but also allow me to talk and insert my own opinions too when I get the courage to speak. I prefer chatty people who can listen.
Wow I was just thinking this today. I’m always afraid of coming off corny when I speak so I tend to just not speak.
My issue with this sort of thing is that I have zero problems with benign social interaction.
But as soon as there are stakes involved - if I stand to benefit in some way by having a positive exchange (job interview, romantic intent, etc) - that's where I falter and shut down.
Same. I feel really inadequate in "flirting" scenarios, so I avoid them. I just don't know what to say in this situations. Always wished it was something, someone could've taught me how to do.
This is me
This hits close to home. As someone with a speech disorder, getting bullied and mocked for it has definitely became a bigger hurdle for me to randomly talk to people. I always thought high school was where it'll stop, but going into university and still getting mocked by a handful of people was tough. Of course not everyone are like that, and I do have people I still regard as friends since they understood what I'm going through. But as Dr. K said, that couple of negative experiences alone was enough to scar me that I went through 4 years of university only talking to my close friends. Though during my final year I decided to try to greet some of my coursemates when I met them in the hallway or waiting outside of class and then they started to open up to me as well. That final year was the most memorable for me and now I always try my best to just smile and say hi to people when we crossed path.
I've never felt so so insulted yet perfectly understood by a video title. All of the worst case scenarios concocted by the brain as a result of initiating a conversation cited by Dr. K are spot on. It's scary how despite the jarringly obvious irrationality of these fears, especially when said out loud like in this video, I can't seem to possibly surmount the invisible barrier and allow myself to wallow in the tentalizing green grass on the other side. The asking price simply breaks the mental bank for me.
I'm so guilty of trying to carry whole conversations on my own. I am really, REALLY socially anxious, but I also hate myself enough to throw myself into terrifying situations sometimes just to challenge myself, and hope that maybe with more experience I get desensitized to it, and with time I became pretty good at coming up with something, anything to talk about to escape the horror of awkward silence. But what happens is I end up just going through my mental flowchart and playing the conversation simulator. I really need to work on just remembering that there are at least two people involved in the interaction and if the interaction doesn't go well it's not necessarily purely my fault. It takes two to make a cringy conversation. We're in this nighmare together, lol.
I relate to this. Nice
Yes bro not as bad as I used to be and I’m proud going to keep challenging myself obviously, I always like a challenging so I did the same shit. Just throw yourself into a terrifying situation. Your not going to die. In time you will get really good.
Babbling can be a factor.
These comments really helped a lot. I never thought I would find very similar thoughts/experiences to my own before coming across this video. I’m hoping to try out everyone’s advice! I’m a senior next year and I’m hoping it’ll really push me to become at least a little social than in past years
When I saw the title of this video it really spoke to the issues I’m facing socially. I often feel as though I have nothing valuable to say which keeps me silent. I realise that this is a problem with filtering myself but it’s super difficult to break the habit
Tbh, I've found that talking to people online helped me talk to people irl. But like, not some random strangers, but rather class discords or uni org discords. Especially because you'll usually meet up for study sessions or event meetups, so you end up putting a face to the username and then you have the opportunity to talk outside of discord and make real connections with the bridges you've built online
One of the tricks I've gotten comfortable with to build confidence is to just say silly or random shit in response to events, as opposed to just people. It becomes a lot easier to speak to people when you've built that comfort on a general scale amongst a group. Plus, it sets a certain tone for other people to pretty much show them what you're about and build familiarity on their end while also letting you gauge their reactions to know who's 'safe' to talk to.
There's also the biggest factor that I don't really have to do anything after the initial moment, since I'm not addressing anyone directly.
Bro. How does Dr K keep dropping videos that are so relevant to what is going on in my life. Like spot on. Just had a situation where I should have talked to this women at a party that was friends with a couple of my friends..had multiple opportunities to say hi and I chickened out. Definitely frustrated with my self. Hopefully this video helps!
I have recently come to the realization that for my nearly my whole life, that I can remember, I have been hiding from the people around me. I had assumed for a long time that i enjoyed hiding because of idea that I knew i could get away with it but I can see now that what I was really looking forward to was being found out by others. I wanted other people to be the ones to reach out to me because I struggled with reaching out to them and so I felt like i was only ever so close with other people. I can remember all the times in middle school where i imagined if something happened to me how would the people I know react? Even if I never wanted to do anything about those feelings I can see why they came from this experience of being lonely even when around others. So where I'm at now is that if all this time I've been playing hide and seek then I need to let others know what game I am playing first because of course I'd "win" if I was the only one who knew what the rules are or that there was even a game being played in the first place.
I relate to this. A good therapist once asked me, who do you think you are that everyone else should chase you? Why should they do that when you don’t do it for them? It’s egocentric to expect people to always come to you. Other peoples worlds don’t revolve around you, they’re probably not thinking about you all that much, just like you don’t think about their world all that much (except as it relates to you).
When she said this to me it shook me a little bit. Like why do I expect other people to always carry the burden of conversation? What am I bringing to the table? People don’t dislike me, I just don’t offer much in conversations and they have to chase after me, which is exhausting for them. Idk if this is helpful, sorry if it isn’t.
@@Meraxes6 Oh I agree. I think where I got tripped up at first was that the only answer I had for what i could bring to others was the only thing I knew, being the things I was passionate about. While I'm not saying that's wrong I was also missing a major concern at the time that I wanted to make them care about the thing as well but that can only happen if I try and understand what the other person likes as well and relate it with something they like. And of course I will still probably have times when I just want to talk about just what i want with out knowing how to make it relatable but now I can be okay in that situation because I am aware of that from the get go and can set my expectations correctly for what response I'll get.
For me it's because I want to believe people find me interesting enough to continue to talk to me.
The most unfair fight is the one with yourself as you know precisely what to say and do to get yourself down. You don't need to take your internal bully so seriously all of the time. Be well everyone and thanks for the video.
This is scary accurate, Dr, it does really feel like you're inside my head, you have successfully been able to predict every single thought that goes through my mind whenever I'm socialzing
If we're all approaching strangers all the time in public, how come nobody has ever come to me and struck up a conversation?
It’s important to remember the comedic aspect of your social anxiety. It’s really hilarious
Growing up, I was constantly told that I should not talk to someone unless I have their full attention. Now, sometimes as I speak and if I notice that the other person has lost interest in what I’m saying, even SLIGHTLY, I just stop talking because now I’ve interpreted as whatever I had to say is not worthy of their full attention and therefor not worthy of being said
That's one of the things I learned and what I tell people who are worried about big zoom meetings; "don't worry too much of others judging how you look on your camera; the rest of us are usually too worried about how we look on our own cameras"
I like the concept explained here. This is exactly what I had to go through and what completely changed me as a person in a better way. I am still who I am, but now I can pursue what I need if I need to. The idea is this. You don't have to speak if you don't need to or don't want to! It's completely normal. I also speak when I am spoken to most of the time. But there are reasons, situations, where you need to speak in order to get what you want! And in these situations you need to build up courage to do so, practicing, by putting yourself in such situations. They can be hypothetical, made up, but they need to exist for practice. For example, for me, I literally went out and started to talk with people in language clubs or international meetings in order to improve my language skills, that was my motivation. My second motivation was learning how not to be shy and practicing this skill. And my third motivation was creating a big international community of friends. And it worked. Just find a reason to speak, make it important to you. And if you have one - start practicing, doing it over and over again, and you will succeed.
19:58 The irony is that they did this exact behaviour in the way they wrote the Reddit post; that "This is more than a vent than anything" added on the end kind of makes it sound like they don't care if Dr K responds but in reality they articulated a problem they're having and on some level know that this is exactly what he's there to do. So they're already starting the process in a way, hopefully means it won't be too long before they're social engagement level reaches a point that is satisfying and fulfilling. Bless.
The biggest thing that's helped me let go from this and social resistance I feel with being myself in public is this idea;
You are so focused on yourself that you only percieve what interacts with you, it's like you have a bubble of isolation around you.
If that's true for you then it's likely true for others which means that everyone has a limited perception of those around them.
Which in turn means that despite everyone having a clear understanding and judgment of others they have a limited perception of the room and an even more limited perception of strangers and people doing their own thing.
I'm a watcher in social settings - i like to chill and observe which puts me in the non-interactive category most of the time.
I'm content with this but if im not and want to engage with someone then I understand that they or others are not going to really be paying attention to me and what I'm doing because they're so focused on themselves so i can free myself of the resistance because there isnt any until they get to know me personally and at that point Im already comfortable enough to be myself around them.
I don't think people will see this but this is really the video/info that has helped me out the most, Dr k Thank you
I hope you continue to become ur best self
Dr. K it’s been about 3 years now I’ve used your content, thanks for sharing your wisdoms. I sincerely love you for that!
Putting yourself put there seems so hard when youve been hit with the "Nobody asked" multiple times. Any time i put myself in a conversation trying to be part of the group i get that. Obviously not any time but enough times that im scared to join a conversation with people
Feel you but some people are just like that
Increase in benign social interaction:
1) think about what will the social interaction be. Ex: say "hey how are you today" to the people next to you
2) self image: what will people think. Will really bother me if someone next to me says "hey how are you today"?
3) think through the consequences of taking action.
4) anticipate internal challenges. What's my mind going to do? Ex: feel awkward, bothersome, etc. What can I say or do to feel less like that? Work with yourself, don't try to overcome yourself; if you feel something is too much, think about what is not too much for you. Once you do it, reward yourself for it
5) take action. Increase gradually the exposure and scope of exposure. Think about multiple kinds of interactions. Have mild social interactions
6) watch out for the nightmare scenario
If it helps, if you say "hi" the other person will respond "hey" and promptly forget you exist.
At 22 years of age I started to get myself out of my homeboi d situation and get out my comfort zone. And little by little I feel almost free from every as I’m nearing 25.still have things to work on but I’m proud of my self
Huge W, keep it up, my dude
a good progression in order to talk to people would just be to say 'goodmorning' to someone, then over the course of a couple of days layer that goodmorning with a 'how are you?' or 'how's it going'. Because you've already spoken to them before, so it's a naturally progression
I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I’ve learned that occasionally drinking with friends in social settings relaxes my social anxiety, letting me talk to anyone I want generally. And recently, this has actually really helped my confidence during all other times, because I’ve already seen how fun and enjoyable I can be when I make an effort to be out there
That does sound difficult for certain people. You'd want close friends to begin with as well.
Personally. The idea of lowering my ability to think is rather terrifying. I've been enough around people who are recovering from alcoholism and/or had terrible experiences with alcohol that even drinking with people I absolutely trust isn't something I like doing. That and drinking alcohol literally hurts me.
@@dAWwr906 yeah i absolutely agree, i wouldn’t get in that state if i didn’t have close friends i trusted around, and even then, there’s never good reason to do more than you know you should
Man I've been living with this since middle school, most friends I made were because they talked to me first.
It's was kind of funny to hear someone mention all my specific thoughts of how much I'll inconvenience people because I feel like I'm the only one that thinks like this.
1. situation and action. 2. Self image/view - how would this make me look (don't go w initial idea) 3. consequences - what's likely going to happen which may be negative. 4. internal prep - fight or flight, shaky voice etc
+You don't need to go above and beyond, a 'hello' can be good enough at first. Cannot carry engagements by myself.
I dont speak much and have no issues engaging in small talks but i usually dont bother. For people similar to me, they will usually respond with the basic reply and its hard for me to bother continuing the conversation. The small talks are usually just greetings and asking about how they are doing. Never much about their personal life. For those outgoing people, my mind will just go blank since i dont have alot of interesting thing to say after awhile. So things just end awkwardly somewhere in the middle of conversation unless the person is the one leading the conversation. This is why i dont bother making small talks. Another issue i face is that i dont initiative text conservation with my classmates. No one bother texting me first. So those friends i talked to in class are not really close and we dont do anything other than talk about work and small stuff during class but none of it online or after class. I never did end up texting them after many years.
The title of this video peaked my curiousity. By coincidence, I am an outlier case of the topic of this video.
I spent my highschool and college years wondering when the romantic/sexual aspect of life would start for me. Was I just waiting for something to happen, yes. But I had the one issue for which there litterally does not exist an active step to take. I didn't lack a love life because lacked confidence to talk to women I was attracted to. Actually maybe I do have insufficient confidence to take such an action. I really don't know because I have never experienced romantic or sexual attraction toward any person of either gender.
Based on what I had been told my whole, I believed that the sex drive and desire for human pair bonding awakens within everyone at some point.
At 23 it finally occured to me that maybe those drive would never awaken within me. After a bit of introspection, I realized that I was waiting for those things because I was told they would. Did I actually care about these things, no.
I am now 37. I still have never been attracted to anyone and have zero desire to have a girlfriend. Over the years there have been a few women with whom I have greatly enjoyed their company. But I have never had the slightest desire for anything more.
Strangely, I never encountered the term "asexual" until I was 31.
reproductive peogrammed evolutionary and survival drives behind procreation I assumed that I would inevitably begin feeling sexual desire and want a
I find that I am confident enough to speak to just about anyone, but I rarely have anything to say. My mind either drifts off or over-analyzes the situation in an attempt to find something to say, but it rarely comes naturally during organic conversation.
I love your videos, found them today, and a lot of the problems you bring up I suffer and had no explanation for. It feels nice having an explanation instead of thinking that I'm different.
I feel like I am in a weird situation. Im pretty introverted, but not socially awkward, but I don't engage in any sort of social interraction unless it comes to me. I never ask anyone how they are doing, I never ask anyone anything about themselves and when I do, it's forced to make me seem interested. I did not know I did this till recently. Home situation has changed my mom encourages me to to "be more polite" and talk more, be more social, if not just at home, show that I care about them and people. Thing is, I can't. I try to make her understand that none of what I do is concious. Im not refraining from saying hello, or asking about your day, I just did not think about it. She tells me I can learn, and if it just start doing it I will keep doing it.
I will not act like I care just to make others feel good. I do try to be extra polite at work and she asks why I can't do the same at home or in social situations, and frankly, I can't say why.
@Jack Axe weird shit.
Some research shows it could be "schizoid personality disorder". Look it up. Im not gonna say I am one of them because I have not had a professional evaluate me, but this "personality disorder" does not cause me any personal problems, just interractions between me and others, and I don't really care about that.
But I do care about it with my family. Why? Because I can't afford to move out.
@Jack Axe I do have a job but yeah it's gonna take at least 2 years. Good luck to you too man
Ive struggled with this alot. I like how you compare the hump to activation energy. For some of us it takes alot more energy than others. But breaking down the components that go into the fear makes it alot easier to tackle. Im going to try some of these, thanks!
I consider myself an outspoken person (introspective but at the same time outspoken). I hate people that only "answer" you and don't actually talk to you, with those people I avoid to talk to, but by trial and error I eventually come to meet people that are more open to talk just like I am. And I prefer meeting both good and bad people then not meeting nobody by just waiting to talk to people that talk to me.
Dr. K is right about carrying conversations by yourself. Don't annoy yourself or others by forcing interaction onto another person. They may even have the same struggle you do. If you have a good interaction thats great, but move on if things stay icey.
I heard something about leaving a conversation "gracefully." When you leave on a high note without over extending your welcome by exhausting every single topic of conversation, extending goodbyes, and graces; it makes the other person feel like they are respected for their time and will cherish the shorter yet more impactful interaction. Even if they are a less outgoing person: leaving on that high note will make it so that they will actually want to interact with you more or at least feel comfortable with future interactions with you.
It's like leaving things to talk about for the next time you get together.
I used to have this issue but I got fed up of being lonely all the time and started talking with more people, and honestly I can say that nothing has changed, before I'd just not talk with people fearing I'd bother them, now I just talk with people and they either are assholes so I don't wanna talk with them anymore or they are really nice but they just never text me unless I talk to them first which makes me feel unappreciated, and also it's usually impossible to go out with these people since they are apparently always busy.
I started thinking it was a me problem but all my friends say they love hanging out with me and I'm great, you could say I've been unlucky and I've only met assholes whenever I've tried to meet new people but this is been going on for years, granted I do feel like I was very pushy and tried to carry the conversation by myself a couple years ago, now I just try to talk with people and if they don't do their part I just let them chill I don't really mind, but it still feels really bad how much effort I have to put in to try and make friends, specifically when people are interested in being friends with me but they put no effort whatsoever, like they don't text me and they don't try to go out with me, they reply and they are really nice and we vibe when they do reply but it stays there, it's usually impossible for me to get closer to people and it's impossible to go out with them. And before anyone says it, I do give people space and time, I really don't think it's a me problem anymore. And no this is not a bad experience with a person or 2, this is been the exact same experience with around 10-15 different people
Perhaps we need to gain social capital - it sounds shallow but I've been thinking Abt trying to engage in more "popular" activities to get more conversation topics going
Ive been doing sooo well lately. My anxiety has been so crippling for about 10 or so years that id drive to the store and end up driving back in without getting out of the car at all. But ive improved so much in the last few months! It began hard to do normal adult things. I still think about saying things that I never say in a conversation, but im getting so much better. Having to talk doing my new work from home job has played a part in it
As someone who has a very hard time making it to a therapist, I often have to figure things out on my own. Most problems I face, it's not a problem of me not knowing how to fix it, it's a problem of not knowing where to start to be able to fix it. HealthyGamerGG's channel has already enriched my life so much with videos like this, because they always help me figure out a good starting point that I can work from. Doctor K is the GOAT.
One thing that actually helped me quite a bit is saying hi to the owner of every dog my dog interacts with and trying to engage into conversation about them, or the "here you go"s and "thanks to you too"s in stores, and stuff like that (;
People saying “don’t speak unless you’re spoken to” has always been so silly to me, because if both people go by those rules, how can friendships ever be formed?
This taps into something I realised myself. You are capable of imagining things that don't exist, right? Therefore you are capable of imagining horrors far worse than the reality. Fear is your imagination running wild and imprisoning you within an illusion.
As someone whose on the other side of this and started out as a super anxious person who couldn't speak without a stutter, this is basically how I did it. Just keep going forward even if you feels like your progress is going at negative 10 percent everytime you have an interaction. You'll be surprised how much you actually progress in a year. Thinking back will always give you confidence and motivation to keep going on.
I think this varies from people to people. Yeah, sure when I was at High school or College, I yearned for social interactions and conversations but that has changed.
I actually like the silence. Let me do my work and just talk to me when you need something or I'll just talk if I need to get something I need to be done with.
I absolutely hate small talk. Just greet me "Good morning" or "Good night" and I'll be satisfied with that.
Don't engage me with pointless talk